Growth Archives - Kris Godinez

Defining love

Kris Godinez — Tue, 01 Apr 2025 08:00:13 +0000

I often get asked, “What is love, really?” The reason I get asked that is because
abusers, narcissists, dark triads, antisocial personality disordered and malignant
borderline personality disordered, throw that word “love” around. However, do they really know or understand what the word love means? The simple answer to thatquestion is no.
Disordered abusers do not have empathy. To truly love someone, you must have
empathy. Abusers have no empathy. They are unable or unwilling to put themselves into another person’s shoes and walk with them. They do not understand the concept of putting someone else ahead of their own selfish wants and needs. They have contempt and anger for people who do feel because abusers cannot stand the thought of someone possessing something they cannot ever have. To protect their ego, they find people who have empathy “weak” and “losers”. When in fact, empathy is what has helped humans survive according to Darwin.
Abusers do not truly understand the word “respect.” They demand respect yet refuse to reciprocate. Love and respect are one and the same. If you respect them, you love them. If you love them, you respect them. The meaning is that boundaries are honored, words are honored, and truth is honored. Apologies are sincere, and the offending action will never be repeated. All these emotional concepts are foreign to abusers and not just foreign but repulsive because an abuser’s power comes from disrespect, devaluing and discarding, crossing boundaries, lying, doubling down and gaslighting, and demanding everyone believes the lies even when caught red-handed and never apologizing or if they do apologize the offense is committed yet again soon after.
Targets of abuse get caught up in listening to the words rather than the actions. I have seen abusers verbally abuse their spouse and in the same sentence tell them that “I love you”. The target of abuse wants to believe the words, and the abuser knows this. That is why they sprinkle in the word “love” with all the abuse to sow cognitive dissonance, to keep the target of abuse off balance, confused and thereby more easily manipulated.
How do you protect yourself? You must define what love is. Love is kind. Love is patient. Love is NEVER cruel. Love is respectful. Love is playful. Love is understanding. Love is unconditional. Love respects boundaries. Love values truth. Love understands the power of words and never uses them to devalue or discard or harm. Love is truly humble. Love is willing to accept personal responsibility and to apologize sincerely and make sure the offending behavior does not happen again.

Once you have a working list of what behaviors love has, compare that to what your abuser says and does. Take notice of how abuse is combined with the word love. Is it your inner child that wants to believe them when they say they love you even though they just verbally/physically/sexually abused you? How old do you feel when you want to believe their words and not their actions? Work The Inner Child Workbook by Catherine Taylor or Regaining Your Inner Child by Luccia Cappachione. Abuse is not love.

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Procrastination

Kris Godinez — Wed, 10 Jul 2024 15:22:56 +0000

“Why do I procrastinate so much? What is wrong with me?” That is a question that I get
asked a lot. Hello, and welcome to yet another trauma response we all have coming out
of abusive relationships. Short answer? Procrastinating is a maladaptive way of having
control. What is wrong with you? Nothing. It is simply your inner child trying to be safe
and a totally normal response to having little to no control in your life, either currently or
in the past. Is it a healthy response? No. Can it be changed? You betcha!
Procrastination can be managed and dealt with, but it will require mindfulness and
staying in the present moment. When you find yourself procrastinating, you would be
wise to start analyzing what is going on emotionally. What are you thinking? What
thoughts are you having? How old do you feel when you want to dig your heels in and
refuse to do what you need to do?
Many children growing up in toxic households with a narcissist or two very often find
themselves being rushed and not just being rushed by the toxic adults but being berated
as they are being rushed by the toxic adults. A passive-aggressive way to have some
control (and remember, we learn passive-aggressive behavior from watching our
parents) is to dig our heels in and make the adult angry, even though it ends up getting
us in deeper trouble. A lot of that is completely subconscious behavior, which is why it is
so confounding to us as adults when we find ourselves procrastinating.
So? What is the solution? How do you stop that behavior? First of all, you have to
recognize that you are doing it and when you are doing it. Next, it is time to have a
come to Jesus with your inner child or children. Get The Inner Child Workbook by
Catherine Taylor or Recovery of Your Inner Child by Luccia Cappachione. I cannot
stress the importance of getting with a damn good trauma therapist enough to help with
all the maladaptive behaviors that were learned or used to stay safe while in the toxic
environment. Utilizing mirror work to talk to your inner child/subconscious is truly going
to help and will reinforce the work you are doing in the workbooks.
Will procrastination rear its ugly head once you have done the workbooks and done the
mirror work? Yup! Hence the need for mindfulness. As soon as you recognize that the
inner child is in charge and not the adult you, you must gently but firmly let the inner
child know that s/he does not need to rebel, that adult you is in charge and keeping
him/her safe and there is no need to dig their heels in. Let the inner child know you have
his/her back and they are free to go play while you take care of whatever drudgery the
inner child did not want to do.
Full disclosure, and to let you know you are not alone in your journey of shaking off
procrastination: I started this blog in March. I think my inner child has been and always
will be way more interested in playing than sitting at a desk. So when you accomplish
whatever it is you needed to do, make sure to reward both yourself and your inner child.

Go play, go relax. Give yourself and your inner child some positive affirmations for a job
well done.

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SAD: Seasonal Affective Disorder, Your Mood and You!

John Godinez — Sat, 03 Sep 2022 01:30:52 +0000

We are coming into fall. For some of us it is a relief, looking forward to cooler temperatures and
everything pumpkin. For others it is looked at with a slight dread. Millions of people have
Seasonal Affective Disorder. When the direct sunlight goes away and the shorter days come, so
too arrives depression. Sufferers of the disorder feel sad, depressed, blah, hopeless with no
particular rhyme or reason, except for the lack of sun. Abusers often belittle or make fun of
S.A.D. sufferers and tell them it isn’t real. I’m here to tell you it is a real disorder. Often,
survivors of abuse not only have S.A.D. but they also have autoimmune issues or depression
with no obvious cause. If you feel you are suffering from S.A.D. go get a full spectrum light and
work with your Doctor about how long morning and evening to sit in front of it. Also, fall is the
perfect time to get your physical done. Mood is controlled by several different systems in our
bodies. Get all of the following checked: your thyroid, your liver, your kidneys, your hormones.
Look into seeing a naturopath for your gut health. All of these systems affect our mood. If one
of them is wonky, you are going to feel off with your mood. Abusers are notorious for having
the attitude of “Well, I don’t have that problem, so it can’t be real!” Don’t listen to them! Listen
to you! You know you better than anyone else in the world! Also, if you find yourself with a
doctor who appears to brushing you off or not taking you seriously…FIRE THEM! Just because
they are a “Doctor” doesn’t mean they are good or that they aren’t a narcissist. Trust your gut
and go get a second opinion! Trust Yourself!

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April Showers Bring May Flowers

Kris Godinez — Fri, 01 Apr 2022 00:01:38 +0000

Happy Spring! Now is the time to plant those seeds of your growth and water them! What do I
mean? I mean, now is the perfect time to; write and burn goodbye letters to your abuser, get
all of the books I have recommended over the years and start reading/working them, get a
damn good trauma therapist, go low or no contact with abusive or toxic people, do things that
you have always wanted to do, but your abuser would never allow like taking a class or doing a
hobby, let yourself to do self-care as in make that dental appointment, get that physical, see
the dermatologist, take that dance class you always wanted to take, reconnect with the family
and friends that genuinely love you, plan a trip, go where you always wanted to go, see what
you always wanted to see, try new foods, learn a new language, practice mirror work daily
(twice a day), meditate, do yoga, go for long walks, join a gym, go to a meetup, go hiking, get
back in touch with your body, drink plenty of water daily, eat healthy foods but allow yourself
cheat meals every so often, make sure to have days where you do absolutely nothing but binge
watch your favorite show, go see movies with your friends, make sure you have work/life
balance, quit that abusive job and find a healthier one where you are respected and valued and
heard, and last but certainly not least, make time to remember who you were BEFORE the
abuser marched in and turned your life upside down! Also, massive spoiler alert: All of these
suggestions are all really self-care. All of these suggestions are planting seeds for your growth
and your happiness and really for your future.

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