Isolation Archives - Kris Godinez

Communal (Cult) Narcissists

John Godinez — Sun, 16 Apr 2023 17:48:56 +0000

Communal narcissists are ones who use religious teachings to gather people to them and, once
the people have been gathered, to abuse the living crap out of them, even to the point of
death. It makes no sense, to a sane person, that the narcissist wants their followers dead.
However, and let’s be clear here, narcissists and, in particular, dark triads (narcissist,
psychopath, Machiavellian) are not sane, not in the way you and I understand sane. Oh, they
know right from wrong, but they truly do not believe the rules apply to them or their behavior.
If you study every cult in recent memory that ended with the maiming or death of the
members, every single last one of them was led by a communal dark triad. The People’s Temple
led by Jim Jones. Branch Davidians led by David Koresh. Heaven’s Gate led by Marshall
Applewhite. The most recent cult ending in the death of members was in Kenya. The Good
News International church led by Paul Makenzi. Every single one of them controlled every
aspect, especially the sexual aspect of every member of their cult. The cult leader would decide
who could sleep with who, what people ate, what they wore, all the way to how often they
were allowed to see their own children, and of course, none of the members of any of these
cults were allowed to see their family or old friends, unless they too, were in the cult.
But why kill the followers? Why kill the very people who are giving the leader narcissistic
supply? Because the name of the game with a communal dark triad, as it is with all narcissists,
is power and control. The ultimate high a narcissistic, psychopathic, control freak can get is
watching someone die for them…literally.
Dark Triads are notoriously short-sighted. They simply cannot imagine that their reign of terror
will ever be stopped or that they will be held accountable by the law or by family and friends of
the members. The rules, in their minds, simply do not apply to them, and they are all powerful
and can do whatever they want to whomever they want with no consequences.
What makes communal dark triads particularly dangerous is that they prey on people who are
lonely, or disenfranchised, or who are searching for belonging. Those that do not have a good
sense of who they are or have low to no self-esteem and boundaries are the cult leader's
favorite targets. The cult leader, like any narcissist, employs love bombing, intermittent
rewards, shunning, stonewalling or shaming, restrictions on food intake, the threat of physical
punishment, isolation, and the denial of all autonomy to make the members compliant. The
more co-dependent the target is, the more likely they will be at ultimate risk of death from the
cult leader.
Communal dark triads do not just lead massive cults. It can be familial. In other words, the dark
triad acts like a cult leader with his or her own family. Very often, incest is occurring behind the
closed doors, and murder is a frequent outcome. Marcus Wesson had incestuous relationships
with his daughters and granddaughters, and nieces. In the end, he murdered nine of his
children rather than to allow their mothers to see them or the police to rescue them. Lori
Vallow Daybell currently stands accused of killing not just her own son, Joshua, and daughter,

Tylee, but also her current spouse's wife Tammy Daybell. She killed her own children allegedly
because they were not buying into her claim that she was a “deity,” and in her book, they were
“zombies” and without souls, so it did not matter what she did to them. They were an
inconvenience and in her way.
So very often when a child is murdered, the parent who is a dark triad will claim that the child
was “possessed” and they were “punishing the evil out of them.” They will claim that they
tortured the family member in the name of God and to essentially do an “exorcism” on them.
The autopsies usually show multiple injuries that have healed, such as broken bones etc. Dark
Triads are sadists. Make no mistake about that. The members of the family that have been
designated as the scapegoat will be tortured for years before the Dark Triad kills them. The
family dark triad will demand absolute compliance from all the family members using fear, just
like a large cult leader does, to ensure obedience and that their crimes will never be reported.
How do you protect yourself? Work on self esteem. Work on boundaries. Get with a good
trauma therapist so you do not fall for the love bombing of a communal dark triad. Trust your
gut. Stick to your list of deal breakers.

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Family Violence

John Godinez — Sun, 19 Feb 2023 18:43:23 +0000

Mass family killings happen every 3.5 weeks. These killings have happened every 3.5 weeks for
the last TWENTY YEARS! That is almost 300 mass family killings, and that isn’t the number of
casualties; that is the number of mass family killing events. The number one and two reasons
for the killings? Financial stress and/or domestic violence.
In January 2023 alone, there were three such incidents. In Utah, Michael Haight killed his wife,
her mother, and his five children after the wife served him with divorce papers. He had a
history of violence with his children and was facing abuse charges. A day later, in North
Carolina, Robert Crayton killed his wife and three children before turning the gun on himself.
The police reported visiting the house numerous times since 2014 for domestic violence calls in
which charges were never pressed. Lastly, in California, Dharmesh Patel intentionally drove the
family car with himself, his wife, and his two kids over the side of a cliff with the intention of
killing all. Thankfully, they all survived, and the CHP had sufficient evidence to charge him with
attempted murder in his hospital room.
I firmly believe all of these tragedies could have been avoided if the judicial system, and society
at large, took domestic violence/intimate partner violence seriously. The fact that the first two
were KNOWN to the police and had either charges against them or had domestic violence calls
to the home over the last nine years, and nothing was done is unacceptable. In the past
domestic violence calls were pooh-poohed by police and treated as not serious. It is only in
recent years that police are beginning to understand how dangerous domestic abusers are,
both to their family victims and to the officers responding to domestic violence calls. I could not
locate any information on previous contact with police for the California attempt.
Abusers often use cars as a way of threatening, intimidating, or killing their target of abuse. I
hated driving with my father because he played “chicken” with us in the car all the time, and as
an adult, I refused to drive with him because I knew his intent was to have “an accident”. If the
abuser in your life plays “chicken” with you in the car or uses the car to have you “captive” to
scream at you and verbally abuse you, for the love of God, DO NOT get in the car with them!
They are showing you who they are and what they will do.
Targets of abuse also make the fatal mistake of minimizing the danger they are in. “Oh, my ex
will never really hurt me or the kids!” WRONG!!! Statistics show otherwise. Every 3.5 weeks
show otherwise. Do not bet your life and or your children’s lives that your abusive ex won’t try
to kill you. If there is a history of physical violence, you must take your safety and the safety of
your children seriously. When leaving, do not hesitate to file for emergency custody. Realize
you will need to have documentation. Document every instance of abuse, and every police
contact, get reports from the police and file an order of protection to protect you and your
children.
Here is a breakdown of the statistics from John Hopkins University: of the abusers that go on to
kill their family and then themselves: 91 percent are male. 88 percent choose a gun as their
weapon. Interviews with surviving family and friends showed 70 percent had previous intimate

partner violence events. Only 25 percent had actual arrests for domestic violence. The number
one predictor for family murder and perpetrator suicide? Previous history of domestic violence.
So, what type of abuser is most likely to kill himself/herself, the spouse, and the children? An
enmeshed, possessively jealous type. In other words, a dark triad: Narcissistic, Psychopathic,
and a control freak, one that if they can’t control you, no one can, including your own free will.
Dark triads are the ones who stalk, obsess, and sometimes kill their object of obsession. In
some cases, they believe they will be able to control the target of abuse after death if they die
with them.
Targets of abuse are often under the mistaken belief that the children need the other parent. In
healthy relationships, yes, but in abusive relationships, no. Both the child and the target are
safer without the abuser in their lives. Society doesn’t help when it persecutes targets of abuse
who have filed for sole custody and who go no contact and get a restraining order.
We need to wake society up to the realities of intimate partner violence. Every 3 ½ weeks, a
family is murdered by the abuser. We as a society can no longer look the other

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Gaslighting

John Godinez — Wed, 14 Dec 2022 01:27:24 +0000

Finally! Merriam Webster’s word of the year is GASLIGHTING! The education is WORKING! Keep
sharing your survival stories! Keep educating people on the red flags! Keep calling out the
abusers and the abusive behaviors. Abusers and abusive behavior need to be made
unacceptable, both personally and professionally.
It is a baby step in the right direction, but it is a step! So many survivors of abuse feel unheard,
unseen, and/or disbelieved. The fact that the word was used enough for Merriam-Webster to
name it the word of the year is very encouraging! There is still much work to do in the area of
public awareness about intimate partner violence and the red flags of abuse. Gaslighting is
sadly only ONE of the many red flags that abusers fly when they are looking for a target to
abuse. Other words people need to be educated on are the following:
Love Bombing: Over the top show of interest in a potential target/partner right at the very
beginning of the relationship, ie, after the first date, they declare you are perfect, or they love
you, or they want to marry you. They want to be with you ALL. THE. TIME. Or they want to start
having sex almost immediately and often, either on the first date or very soon after.
Extravagant and over-the-top attention and or gifts on the first date.
Mirroring: Remember Frozen? Remember Hans and Anna? Remember when he was love-
bombing her? He liked everything she liked. He thought everything she thought. He mirrored
her personality, her likes, her dislikes, her energy, her attitude…until he felt safe enough to
devalue and discard her and try to steal the kingdom. Uh-huh. They steal our kingdom after
making us think they are JUST LIKE US.
Stonewalling: Otherwise known as shunning, ignoring, or the cold shoulder. The abuser refuses
to acknowledge or speak to the target of abuse. Usually occurring after the abuser has been
called out on their own bad behavior. This form of abuse lights up the same pain centers in the
brain as physical pain. It is done INTENTIONALLY to force the target to conform to the behavior
the abuser wants them to have. Targets have been known to tearfully beg the abuser to please
just speak to them.
Sadism: Abusers are, at heart, sadists. Your tears are delicious to them. They enjoy and get off
on seeing you hurt. They are pathetic because your tears, your anger makes them feel powerful
and the more the target reacts, the more the abuser abuses.
Narcissistic Supply: Abusers need narcissistic supply the way healthy people need oxygen.
Narcissistic supply is anything that feeds their insatiable ego. Praise, attention, crying, anger,
drama, chaos, all of these are narcissistic supplies to an abuser. Because they are sadists, even
negative attention is attention. I’ve often heard them say, “Love me or hate me, just don’t
ignore me!”
Grey rock: Grey rock is showing no emotion. When an abuser is looking for supply and wanting
the target to be upset and crying or angry, do the opposite. No emotion. Not angry. Not sad.
Not frustrated. It cuts off their supply and allows you to not get emotionally entangled in their

trap. That argument they start at 2 in the morning is intentional and intended to keep you up
an emotional mess all night. They want to be the first thing on your mind in the morning and
the last thing on your mind at night.
Dark Triad: An abuser who is a triple threat. An abuser who is a narcissist, a psychopath and a
control freak. Show me a stalker, I will show you someone who is a dark triad. NEVER, and I
mean NEVER, underestimate the vindictiveness and violence of a dark triad. They are the ones
who stalk, harass and sometimes murder their former lovers.
Order of Protection: Is a legal way of dealing with dark triads. It prevents the abuser from
stalking, harassing, or harming the target by there being consequences such as jail. It is only a
piece of paper, so the target MUST report all violations of the order, and the target CANNOT
contact the abuser. The abuser will often attempt a hoover in order to get the target to break
the order. Getting the order reinstated after the abused has broken it, is very difficult
Hoover: “Baby, I’ve changed. It will be different this time, I promise!” Sound familiar? After
devaluing us, gaslighting us, stonewalling us, and screaming at us, we leave. Soon the texts and
the phone calls start, telling us everything we wanted them to say ever since they stopped love
bombing. DO NOT FALL for it!!! The love-bombing will be short, but the abuse will be more
intense as they need to make you pay for leaving them.

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Domestic Violence

John Godinez — Wed, 23 Nov 2022 12:14:32 +0000

Last week was very difficult. In Phoenix, Arizona, Jason Hudgens decided that because his wife,
Marla, wanted to end the marriage, he decided to end their three children’s lives, her life, and
lastly, his. The babes, three-year-old Christopher and twin six-month-old girls Gwen and Faye,
were everything to Marla Hudgen, according to family friends. The wife’s inner circle claimed
that there were “No red flags” “No indication that the spouse would be violent.” I beg to differ.
People don’t end a marriage with three small children for no apparent reason. To end a
marriage with small children involved would have a very compelling reason. The red flags were
there. People are just uneducated as to what they are, or they pooh-pooh and minimize them,
or they just don’t want to see them or become involved. In both the case of Gabby Petito and
Marla Hudgen had people been educated on the red flags and made appropriate interventions,
those women and the babies would still be with us.
One of the questions asked over and over by shocked family and friends was, “Why would he
kill the babies?” I’ll tell you why; those babies were her world. She went through IVF to
conceive. They were everything to her. When her spouse realized she was filing for divorce and
leaving him, he made sure to destroy the people she loved the most, her children. This pattern
of murder-suicide involving small children happens more often than most people want to
believe, and in every single damn case, it was a pattern of abuse that continued to escalate into
homicide.
Healthy parents do not kill six-month-old twins. Healthy parents do not kill their own three-
year-old. A healthy person does not kill their spouse. When healthy people divorce, and yes, it
does happen, they put the welfare of the children ahead of their own egos and their own hurt. I
tell clients this all the time when they want to get sucked into the blame game with a
disordered spouse. “You have to love your children more than you hate your ex.” Clearly, Jason
Hudgen was incapable of that.
You may say, “Oh, he was mentally ill!” The legal definition of criminally insane is that they
cannot distinguish right from wrong. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing, and he knew it was
wrong. He wanted to make sure everyone was dead, and before shooting himself, turned on
propane tanks and disconnected gas appliances so the home would fill with gas. That takes
premeditation. This heinous act did not just “happen.” This was not a crime of “passion.” This
was not an impulsive act. This was planned, obsessed about, and thought carefully out with a
clear disregard for obviously his family, himself, and the neighborhood had the house exploded,
which, thankfully, it did not.
Abusers who kill their own children and spouses are generally dark triads meaning they are
psychopaths, narcissistic and control freaks, otherwise known as Machiavellian. People have no
more meaning to them than objects. Rules do not apply to them. When they feel they are
losing control of their target of abuse, is when they can become incredibly dangerous, but there
are red flags long before the homicidal actions occur.

Some of the red flags are: controlling their spouse, constantly checking up on them, accusing
them of cheating, constantly checking their phone, isolating them from true friends and family,
and only wanting them to be around their friends and family. Raging. Keeping them up at night.
Sabotaging their career. Belittling them. Using sex as a weapon. Using words as weapons.
Demanding. Word salad when confronted with their bad behavior. Flipping the script, what was
their problem is suddenly because their spouse “made” them. Rewriting history i.e. gaslighting.
Lying. Cheating. Stealing. Disrespect. Treating spouse and children as an extension of
themselves rather than their own people. Too often, family and friends minimize the telltale
signs of abuse either through ignorance or apathy. Too often, therapists miss the signs due to
lack of training in personality disorders and intimate partner violence.
So, what can you, as a family member or friend, do? Familiarize yourself with the red flags. The
above was by no means a full list of abusive behavior. Ask questions without the suspected
abuser around. Realize that if they are still in the abuse F. O. G. Fear, Obligation and Guilt, they
will themselves minimize and deny the abuse. All you can do is let them know you love them
and are there for them if they ever want to talk. Encourage the target to come up with a safety
plan. Encourage them to keep a go bag at work. Encourage them to seek trauma counseling.
Demand that schools cranking out therapists train their students properly.

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SAD: Seasonal Affective Disorder, Your Mood and You!

John Godinez — Sat, 03 Sep 2022 01:30:52 +0000

We are coming into fall. For some of us it is a relief, looking forward to cooler temperatures and
everything pumpkin. For others it is looked at with a slight dread. Millions of people have
Seasonal Affective Disorder. When the direct sunlight goes away and the shorter days come, so
too arrives depression. Sufferers of the disorder feel sad, depressed, blah, hopeless with no
particular rhyme or reason, except for the lack of sun. Abusers often belittle or make fun of
S.A.D. sufferers and tell them it isn’t real. I’m here to tell you it is a real disorder. Often,
survivors of abuse not only have S.A.D. but they also have autoimmune issues or depression
with no obvious cause. If you feel you are suffering from S.A.D. go get a full spectrum light and
work with your Doctor about how long morning and evening to sit in front of it. Also, fall is the
perfect time to get your physical done. Mood is controlled by several different systems in our
bodies. Get all of the following checked: your thyroid, your liver, your kidneys, your hormones.
Look into seeing a naturopath for your gut health. All of these systems affect our mood. If one
of them is wonky, you are going to feel off with your mood. Abusers are notorious for having
the attitude of “Well, I don’t have that problem, so it can’t be real!” Don’t listen to them! Listen
to you! You know you better than anyone else in the world! Also, if you find yourself with a
doctor who appears to brushing you off or not taking you seriously…FIRE THEM! Just because
they are a “Doctor” doesn’t mean they are good or that they aren’t a narcissist. Trust your gut
and go get a second opinion! Trust Yourself!

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Power and Control

Kris Godinez — Mon, 01 Aug 2022 00:01:49 +0000

Abusers are all about power and control. What better way to have power and control over
someone than to force them in to being a parent and sharing custody? Abusers want to secure
their supply so they will future fake their partner into making them believe that they want
children and are excited about being a parent, but, once the child is born, the partner
disappears or is sullen and angry and jealous of the child. Abusers will also sabotage birth
control and have been known to lie about being on birth control or will poke holes in condoms.
Why do they do this? They want to tie their supply to them for the next 18 years. Once the child
is born they shirk responsibility, continue to go out and party as if they were single, but once
the healthy partner has had enough and divorces them or seeks full custody, that is when the
abuse kicks into high gear and the parental alienation of the healthy partner goes ballistic. The
abuser views the child as a pawn, a way to hurt the healthy parent. The disordered abuser does
not give a damn about that child and will tell the child details of the divorce in order to smear
the healthy client, always framing themselves as a victim. Often they will withhold the child
from the healthy parent and by the time the healthy parent gets the child back for normal
visitation the Stockholm Syndrome is in full bloom. It only takes one wee of intense emotional
trauma to get the cognitive dissonance going for people to side with the abuser. When a child is
held hostage by the other parent it is imperative for the healthy parent to get that child in to
therapy.

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Tis the season……for depression?

Kris Godinez — Fri, 03 Dec 2021 22:37:12 +0000

Well, yes. Unfortunately. When we come out of an abusive romantic relationship, or we finally go no contact with our abusive parents, or we leave that dream job because we were being bullied and our ideas stolen, the holiday season (which is also the Hoover season) can be incredibly stressful and filled with depression. But what is non clinical depression really? Clinical depression is when the brain simply cannot produce and maintain the feel good chemicals. Situational depression is when a situation is causing us to feel blue, angry or depressed. In general situation depression often ends up really being repressed anger. Think about it. Were true emotions ever allowed in your family of origin? Were you ever allowed to be angry or did you have to hide what you were feeling? When we leave an abusive relationship and the holidays are coming up and we are still in the middle of the grief, we more than likely are dealing with anger that we were not even conscious of. Throw a nasty guilt tripping hoover or two into the mix and voila! Depression. So how can you combat not only the holiday blues but the holiday hoovers? Get into a damn good trauma therapist and work through what you are feeling. Journal. Write and burn letters addressed to those who did you wrong. Work The Self Esteem Workbook by Glen Schiraldi or CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving. DO NOT sit at home alone and for the love of God DO NOT reach out to your abuser(s)! Do look into support groups, be aware there may be predators in them but good ones weed predators out. Do look into pursuing a hobby or passion that you have not been allowed to do. Do self care!

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