Love bombing Archives - Kris Godinez

Defining love

Kris Godinez — Tue, 01 Apr 2025 08:00:13 +0000

I often get asked, “What is love, really?” The reason I get asked that is because
abusers, narcissists, dark triads, antisocial personality disordered and malignant
borderline personality disordered, throw that word “love” around. However, do they really know or understand what the word love means? The simple answer to thatquestion is no.
Disordered abusers do not have empathy. To truly love someone, you must have
empathy. Abusers have no empathy. They are unable or unwilling to put themselves into another person’s shoes and walk with them. They do not understand the concept of putting someone else ahead of their own selfish wants and needs. They have contempt and anger for people who do feel because abusers cannot stand the thought of someone possessing something they cannot ever have. To protect their ego, they find people who have empathy “weak” and “losers”. When in fact, empathy is what has helped humans survive according to Darwin.
Abusers do not truly understand the word “respect.” They demand respect yet refuse to reciprocate. Love and respect are one and the same. If you respect them, you love them. If you love them, you respect them. The meaning is that boundaries are honored, words are honored, and truth is honored. Apologies are sincere, and the offending action will never be repeated. All these emotional concepts are foreign to abusers and not just foreign but repulsive because an abuser’s power comes from disrespect, devaluing and discarding, crossing boundaries, lying, doubling down and gaslighting, and demanding everyone believes the lies even when caught red-handed and never apologizing or if they do apologize the offense is committed yet again soon after.
Targets of abuse get caught up in listening to the words rather than the actions. I have seen abusers verbally abuse their spouse and in the same sentence tell them that “I love you”. The target of abuse wants to believe the words, and the abuser knows this. That is why they sprinkle in the word “love” with all the abuse to sow cognitive dissonance, to keep the target of abuse off balance, confused and thereby more easily manipulated.
How do you protect yourself? You must define what love is. Love is kind. Love is patient. Love is NEVER cruel. Love is respectful. Love is playful. Love is understanding. Love is unconditional. Love respects boundaries. Love values truth. Love understands the power of words and never uses them to devalue or discard or harm. Love is truly humble. Love is willing to accept personal responsibility and to apologize sincerely and make sure the offending behavior does not happen again.

Once you have a working list of what behaviors love has, compare that to what your abuser says and does. Take notice of how abuse is combined with the word love. Is it your inner child that wants to believe them when they say they love you even though they just verbally/physically/sexually abused you? How old do you feel when you want to believe their words and not their actions? Work The Inner Child Workbook by Catherine Taylor or Regaining Your Inner Child by Luccia Cappachione. Abuse is not love.

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Communal (Cult) Narcissists

John Godinez — Sun, 16 Apr 2023 17:48:56 +0000

Communal narcissists are ones who use religious teachings to gather people to them and, once
the people have been gathered, to abuse the living crap out of them, even to the point of
death. It makes no sense, to a sane person, that the narcissist wants their followers dead.
However, and let’s be clear here, narcissists and, in particular, dark triads (narcissist,
psychopath, Machiavellian) are not sane, not in the way you and I understand sane. Oh, they
know right from wrong, but they truly do not believe the rules apply to them or their behavior.
If you study every cult in recent memory that ended with the maiming or death of the
members, every single last one of them was led by a communal dark triad. The People’s Temple
led by Jim Jones. Branch Davidians led by David Koresh. Heaven’s Gate led by Marshall
Applewhite. The most recent cult ending in the death of members was in Kenya. The Good
News International church led by Paul Makenzi. Every single one of them controlled every
aspect, especially the sexual aspect of every member of their cult. The cult leader would decide
who could sleep with who, what people ate, what they wore, all the way to how often they
were allowed to see their own children, and of course, none of the members of any of these
cults were allowed to see their family or old friends, unless they too, were in the cult.
But why kill the followers? Why kill the very people who are giving the leader narcissistic
supply? Because the name of the game with a communal dark triad, as it is with all narcissists,
is power and control. The ultimate high a narcissistic, psychopathic, control freak can get is
watching someone die for them…literally.
Dark Triads are notoriously short-sighted. They simply cannot imagine that their reign of terror
will ever be stopped or that they will be held accountable by the law or by family and friends of
the members. The rules, in their minds, simply do not apply to them, and they are all powerful
and can do whatever they want to whomever they want with no consequences.
What makes communal dark triads particularly dangerous is that they prey on people who are
lonely, or disenfranchised, or who are searching for belonging. Those that do not have a good
sense of who they are or have low to no self-esteem and boundaries are the cult leader's
favorite targets. The cult leader, like any narcissist, employs love bombing, intermittent
rewards, shunning, stonewalling or shaming, restrictions on food intake, the threat of physical
punishment, isolation, and the denial of all autonomy to make the members compliant. The
more co-dependent the target is, the more likely they will be at ultimate risk of death from the
cult leader.
Communal dark triads do not just lead massive cults. It can be familial. In other words, the dark
triad acts like a cult leader with his or her own family. Very often, incest is occurring behind the
closed doors, and murder is a frequent outcome. Marcus Wesson had incestuous relationships
with his daughters and granddaughters, and nieces. In the end, he murdered nine of his
children rather than to allow their mothers to see them or the police to rescue them. Lori
Vallow Daybell currently stands accused of killing not just her own son, Joshua, and daughter,

Tylee, but also her current spouse's wife Tammy Daybell. She killed her own children allegedly
because they were not buying into her claim that she was a “deity,” and in her book, they were
“zombies” and without souls, so it did not matter what she did to them. They were an
inconvenience and in her way.
So very often when a child is murdered, the parent who is a dark triad will claim that the child
was “possessed” and they were “punishing the evil out of them.” They will claim that they
tortured the family member in the name of God and to essentially do an “exorcism” on them.
The autopsies usually show multiple injuries that have healed, such as broken bones etc. Dark
Triads are sadists. Make no mistake about that. The members of the family that have been
designated as the scapegoat will be tortured for years before the Dark Triad kills them. The
family dark triad will demand absolute compliance from all the family members using fear, just
like a large cult leader does, to ensure obedience and that their crimes will never be reported.
How do you protect yourself? Work on self esteem. Work on boundaries. Get with a good
trauma therapist so you do not fall for the love bombing of a communal dark triad. Trust your
gut. Stick to your list of deal breakers.

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November Holiday Blog

John Godinez — Thu, 03 Nov 2022 01:29:26 +0000

Ah, November! The air is crisp, the holidays are coming up and you are a bundle of anxiety over
how to keep your sanity with your family or ex, or both. Abusers are notorious for ruining the
holidays! It doesn’t matter what holiday. Thanksgiving? They’ll ruin it! Christmas? They’ll ruin it!
New Year? Trust me, they’ll find a way to ruin it. So, what can you do? Well, if you are parallel
parenting, just know that your ex will be as difficult and unreasonable as possible. Do not take
what they are doing personally as they will behave horribly to whoever is the current target.
Gird your loins and be flexible. Make sure you have people you can safely vent to. Journal.
Write and burn angry letters. DO NOT let your abuser know how upset you are with their
shenanigans as that will be narcissistic supply for them. Now, what about dealing with relatives
that are disordered? Breaking away from disordered family is never easy. However, and this is a
BIG HOWEVER, if the family makes every holiday season miserable, it is time to do something
different. You are under NO obligation (Remember F.ear. O.bligation. G.uilt. F.O.G.) to have the
holidays with them. You have the right to celebrate the holidays with healthy sane family or
friends or create your own holiday traditions and you DO NOT owe an abuser an explanation!
Nip the shenanigans in the bud and let everyone know you have prior plans. Be prepared for
manipulation, guilt tripping and arguing. Remember, you do not have to attend every argument
you are invited to. Be aware they will do and say whatever they feel they need to say to make
you be a captive audience for their ruining of the holiday. Don’t give in!

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Scary October!!

John Godinez — Wed, 05 Oct 2022 07:23:08 +0000

Most people think the scariest thing about October is Halloween. In reality October is scary
because it is the beginning of the hoover season. Between now and right after Valentine’s Day
is when the emotional vampires attempt to feed. Abusers need constant narcissistic supply and
what better time of year to seduce a former lover back, than the holiday season? When abusers
run out of supply, they will contact old lovers, friends, etc hoping to play on the nostalgia of the
season to convince the target to give them “just one more try.” This hoover can happen literally
decades after last contact. If the target of abuse has not worked on the trauma of the
relationship and or the trauma of their family of origin, they are very much in danger of falling
for the abuser’s promise of “It will be different this time! I’ve changed!” Because that inner
child part of us wants to believe they have gotten better. Let me be incredible blunt: THEY. DO.
NOT. CHANGE!!! They don’t get better. They don’t become self-aware. They don’t take
responsibility for their actions. They simply throw out bait and see if the target will bite. You
have got to make yourself impervious to their charade. Like garlic to repel a vampire, write out
a list of why you went no contact in the first place. Write out your list of deal breakers and see
how many of your personal boundaries they crossed. No matter how tempted you are to
respond to their email, text, phone call…DON’T! It will not end well! They have already showed
you who they really are, what kind of monster they really are for your own safety, believe them
the first time! You don’t need a repeat of their past behaviors. Ingore. Block.

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Valentine Hoovers

Kris Godinez — Tue, 01 Feb 2022 00:01:10 +0000

Ah, yes! Love is in the air! However, you just broke up with a narcissistic abuser and every fiber
of your being either wants them back or, wants to start dating immediately to ease the
loneliness. Let me explain why both of those options are exceedingly bad and dangerous
options. Now is the season of the Valentine Hoover abusers will play on the Valentine walk
down the prim rose path of memory lane and will love bomb you. If you fall for the love
bombing, the love bombing phase will be shorter than the last time and the devalue and
discard will be longer. The person you fell in love with was an illusion, they do not really exist.
The real person, is the one that used and abused you and unfortunately, if you go back, that is
the one you will have to leave all over again. The second option, jumping into dating too soon,
also guarantees disaster. If you haven’t worked on yourself, fixed your picker, had long talks
with your inner child or inner children, worked on the CPTSD you experienced with either your
family of origin or you romantic partner abuser, what in the world makes you think you will be
able to navigate online dating sites and successfully avoid getting entangled with another
disordered person. Online dating sites attract predators. If you don’t know who you are and
what you want out of life, you are sure to find a predator that will tell you who you are and
what you want. Stay single for at least a year after leaving abuse. You will need that time to
reacquaint yourself with you and remember who you truly are and what you truly want. Take
time to fall in love with yourself first.

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Future Faking

Kris Godinez — Sat, 01 Jan 2022 00:01:51 +0000

Congratulations you made it through the majority of the Hoover Season! We are, however, not out of the woods yet! That’s right! The dreaded Valentine’s Day is a little over a month away and trust me, the hoovers are not over yet! Instead of walking down memory lane, like the hoovers for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s do, the Valentine Hoover is likely to be a “future faking” hoover. Future faking is when the abuser calls with a hoover promising how they have changed and things will be ever so much better and you’ll go on that promised trip, or get married, or whatever carrot they dangled in front of you before you left. Do NOT fall for it. Future faking is just exactly what it sounds like, they are spinning a fake fantasy of the future with them. Trust me, If you fall for this “Oh I’ve changed, the future together will be better than ever!” you will find that A. They haven’t changed and B. The only thing they will have gotten better at is punishing you. Look, they had plenty of opportunities to “change”. They had plenty of opportunities to be faithful. They had plenty of opportunities to not isolate, lie, gaslight, rewrite history, take that romantic trip with you, spend more quality time with you etcetera. No, they haven’t had an epiphany, what they have had happen is that they ran out of narcissistic supply and all they want more than anything is to have their favorite punching bag back so they can get narcissistic supply. If an abuser’s lips are moving, they are lying. The only future you have with an abuser, is more abuse or worse a date with the coroner’s office. Future fakes keep targets coming back. Don’t.

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If Their Lips Are Moving, They Are Lying!

Kris Godinez — Sun, 01 Aug 2021 00:01:14 +0000

Abusers lie, whether they be malignant narcissists or malignant borderlines or co morbid with each other. All cluster B personality disordered abusers lie. They lie often. They lie convincingly and they often believe their own lies. Targets of abuse fall for the lies because we WANT desperately to believe the pretty words flowing from their lips. You can’t. You cannot believe a single thing the abuser says no matter how convincingly they say it. What you do want to do is look at the actions. Actions ALWAYS speak LOUDER than words. Always. An abuser may be able to give a convincing performance with words but how they act always gives them away. Believe the actions, not the words. If the words and actions do not match up there is your clue that they are lying. When caught in a lie they will say things like “Everybody lies!” Yes, non cluster B people do tend to do white lies, but not dark lies with malice a forethought that abusers have and non cluster B people do not lie frequently, or as convincingly and they do not believe their own lies. There is an actual moral compass in non cluster B people that is missing in Narcissists, Malignant Borderlines and Anti Social Personality disordered people. Non personality disordered people will own up to lying. A personality disordered abuser will become angry and defensive that you caught them in a lie and begin either a word salad rant or making excuses for why they had to lie or both. So, what can you do? Watch the behavior. Is lying a pattern for them? Does it come easy for them? Do they believe their own lies? Believe the behaviors, not the pretty, pretty words.

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Abuse and Addictions

Kris Godinez — Mon, 01 Mar 2021 00:01:04 +0000

Something I have seen over and over again in my practice is that abuse and addiction go hand in hand with an abuser. Granted, we, the targets are addicted to the intermittent positive rewards, but the abusers? Oh, they have a whole slew of addictions of anything from drugs and alcohol, to sex addiction to porn addiction. The number of times a target says in session, “But s/he promised me they didn’t drink/do drugs/watch porn/need sex every day multiple times a day with multiple partners” I’ve lost count of. Abusers tend to protest too much in the love bombing phase of the relationship about how they don’t drink/do drugs/watch porn/need sex every day multiple times a day with multiple partners. Once the abuser has the target in their clutches and the abuser is feeling secure that the target won’t leave, suddenly the abuser starts drinking out in the open or you start finding bottles of alcohol or drugs around the house. The sex life suddenly shifts and they are devoting their free time, not with you but with porn. They start saying that you cannot satisfy them and it is all your fault and therefore they need someone or multiple someones who can satisfy them. Or they start demanding that you engage in sex acts that you are not comfortable with such as threesomes and orgies and of course they want to video it. So, what to do? At the first sign of an addiction ask them to seek help. As soon as they start the gaslighting, flipping the script and rewriting history, LEAVE. They are showing you who they really are. Get out and stay out and do not look back. You did not break them, you CANNOT fix them. Totally NOT your job!

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Won’t You Be My Valentine Hoover?

Kris Godinez — Thu, 04 Feb 2021 02:15:18 +0000

Ahh, February. Spring is just around the corner, love is in the air, Valentine’s Day is nearly here and PING! A Text from your ex who you have not heard from in (fill in the blank) days, weeks, months, years declaring how they miss you and wonder how you are doing and that they have changed, and oh hey, why don’t we get together for coffee? With that text and those words, warning bells and sirens and frankly, marching bands with majorettes waving massive red flags should be going on in your mind. Valentine’s Day should be called Hoover Day when abusers around the world try to make their targets take a trip down the primrose path of memory lane, which leads to hell, I will remind you. Not literal hell with demons and flames but emotional hell with abuse, verbal abuse, gaslighting and disappointment. Abusers count on abuse amnesia and minimizing the targets memory during this hoover and play on all the love bombing or what they will call “good times” you two had together. DO NOT FALL FOR IT!!!! No! They have not changed! No! They do not miss YOU but, they do miss the narcissistic supply you gave them. No! They really do not care how you are doing or what you are doing. This is a HOOVER! A ploy to get you to respond emotionally to them so they can suck you back into their orbit. They are black holes and if you go back into their orbit, the abuse will be worse than it was when you left them and you will be sucked back into the black hole of intermittent positive rewards. Do us both a favor and be your own Valentine. Love yourself unconditionally.

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Love Bombing The Game Abusers Play

Kris Godinez — Mon, 11 Mar 2019 16:34:02 +0000

Abusers do not love. They covet. When they meet a potential target for abuse, they want what the target has, which is love, empathy, kindness, compassion. The abuser can only mimic those emotions. Abusers do not understand normal courtship. They want the relationship to move at lightning speed, to mine you for wounds, your past, things that will be used against you later. They do not understand patience. They do not understand taking time to get to know someone, because, they know, deep down inside that if you really truly know who and what they are, you will run!

What does love bombing look like? It is wooing on speed. In a normal courtship, people get to know each other slowly and build trust. They do spend time together but, not the exclusion of family and friends. They exchange normal tokens of affection. In love bombing the abusers blasts in and sweeps the other person off their feet, there is no slow and get to know. The abuser pushes the relationship to move quickly from “Hi! Nice to meet you.” To “We are boyfriend and girlfriend.” In less than two months. They text or phone the target constantly professing how the target is “my soul mate” and “we are perfect for each other” and “no one has ever made me feel the way you do” The tokens of affection are over the top wooing. Dinners out or home cooked meals every night. They demand all of your time and pout if you spend time with your family, your children, your friends or your dog. They behave just like Prince Hans in Frozen, i.e., everything you like, they like.

So, what can you do? If it seems too good to be true, it usually is. Be wary of anyone who mines you for hurts of the past, moves the relationship at lightning speed, or dominates your free time to the exclusion of free time, family, friends.

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