Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

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All right. So, diving into today, we wanted to talk about when medical is used against you. So HIPAA laws, we’re going to be talking about HIPAA laws, we’re also going to be talking about how abusers, oh, you know, abuse kind of thing. It’s like how they do, how they do what they do and why they do what they do.

So, first of all, a couple of definitions. HIPAA is the portability. So it’s the Insurance, something Insurance Portability, law. So basically what it is, it’s a privacy law. So medical records are private, they belong to the person. Now, if a child is a minor, then the parents have the right to the medical records, which is where everything gets really sticky. If you’ve got kids in therapy, because they’re going to complain about the therapists are going to use the medical records, they’re going to want to read the medical records, which is why therapists have to be very careful what they write and how they write it, you know, very broad strokes when you’re dealing with a high conflict divorce. So um, but now, what I have seen abusers do is as soon as they can they use they medical records against the kid, spouse, etc. That is illegal. Let me just say that again, because it makes me happy. It is illegal to do that. So once the kid turns 18, if they try to use those medical records against the kid, which I have seen them do So say, for example, the child or the children decide that the abuser is the abuser and doesn’t want anything to do with them. Then what they will do is they will smear campaign, smear campaign, smear campaign. Oh, well, let me give you, you know, they were in therapy, like it’s a bad thing, right? Because remember, abusers don’t like therapy. They don’t like counseling, they don’t like their secrets being exposed. And in their mind, anybody who goes to therapy is less than, and is crazy. And is this down the other? Well, the way I put it is, okay, well, if you know, there’s a problem, you don’t wait to fix it, you fix it. As soon as you know, there’s a problem. It’s like, if you had a broken leg, would you sit there and wait and let it heal wrong? No, you would go to a doctor and have it set and let it heal properly. It’s the same thing with mental health stuff. But remember, they’re cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, they don’t want any imperfection at all. And so what they’ll do is they will, they will, they will use that as fodder for their smear campaign. And they will literally send out the medical records of the spouse, of the kids of whoever they think that they can harm with this. What they don’t understand is they are now violating a law.

So if this happens to you, you have an attorney write them a cease and desist letter.

Kris Godinez  03:55

And if they continue to do it, then you hit him with a lawsuit, you know, or you hit him with a restraining order. And this goes for the adult children as well. So, once you turn 18, the parents have absolutely no right to your records, zero zip nada, they don’t get to see them. They don’t get to have them. They don’t get to release them. They don’t get to do jack diddly squat with them. The only time that anybody can do anything with your records is if you have a written release of information stating specifically Yes, this person may see my records. Yes, this person may release my records for this purpose. Okay, so of course, no narcissist on the face of the planet is going to want to sign a document saying, Oh, yes, I’m going to release these records so I can do a smear campaign or I want these records so I can do a smear campaign.

So basically, what I’m trying to say is your records are yours. The only time that they can be used as if you the parent. The kids specifically give a written release of information stating that that person has access to the records. So, if an abuser is using your medical records against you, if an abuser is trying to, you know, smear campaign this that and the other thing. Yeah, then now you got it. Now here’s the thing. Here’s the caveat, caveat. So this is why I want you guys to read this. Because when there is questions of mental sound menace, they are going to subpoena records, okay? records can be subpoenaed. So just be aware. Again, if you’re a practitioner, be aware you write your records as if you are going to have to testify in court, which means you real short, broad strokes, broad strokes, broad strokes, especially if you’re dealing with a high conflict, divorce, you don’t want anything in your notes to harm your client, you know, because they’ll use it, the attorneys will use it and trust me, some attorneys are just as abusive and narcissistic is your ex, trust me on that one. Not all, not all, thank God, but a long are, and especially the ex goes and finds those types of people because you know, like, attracts like, so. Um, okay.

All right. So they can subpoena those records. Now, if you are a therapist, a counselor, etc., you can refuse the subpoena. Judges don’t like it, I don’t recommend it. I don’t. But if there is something in there that is going to harm your client, create a situation where they’re suicidal, etc., etc., you can send a letter to the judge and go, I am not releasing these records. And here’s the reason why. However, I don’t recommend doing it. Why, again, judges tend to be narcissistic POS and they don’t like their orders not being, you know, complied with because narcissists, so you keep your notes, super short and broad strokes, okay? If you get a subpoena, you comply with it. But you also let your client know, hey, I’ve been subpoenaed. I want to let you know, you know, just so that you’re aware, and I’m going to send you and your attorney a copy. And I’m going to send them the copy and all of this stuff. So Oh, yeah.

But back to the children. So what abusers will do is they will take the medical records of the kids and send them to anybody and everybody trying to prove that the kids are crazy for not wanting to be with them. That’s illegal. So, you get a hold of an attorney, you send a cease and desist letter, and then you do either a lawsuit or you do a restraining order so that they can no longer have contact.

Kris Godinez  07:27

But yes, they will use medical against you absolutefreakinglutely. So this is why this is why they’re so dangerous. So let’s go into several other scenarios that they do. So all right, so let’s say Okay, first of all, backup definition, definition. So narcissists hate everybody. They are misanthropes, that is the word for hating everybody misanthropes. Female narcissists tend to hate males. They are misandrist. So misandrist means hatred of males. Male narcissists tend to hate females, they are misogynist, but what they all do is reaction formation. Remember, we talked about the ego defense mechanisms? So what these narcissists these abusers will do is they’ll say, you know, they’ll, they hate women, they hate men. They hate everybody. So, misandrist, misogynist, misanthropes, right? But they’ll sit there and say, Oh, I love men. Oh, I love women. Oh, I love everybody. Watch their actions because their actions speak differently. They can’t hide the actions. So the actions are physical abuse, mental abuse, you know, manipulation, control, gaslighting, rewriting history lying, hello, look to the actions and even though they’re saying pretty words, they don’t, they don’t love guys. And they will take whatever medical information you give them and use it against you.

So for example, somebody has MS. Somebody has diabetes, somebody has cancer, the narcissist will make it about them. And instead of you getting the medical attention and that you need, suddenly they have something medical going on. That’s often oh my god, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve seen that happen. So somebody will get a diagnosis. And suddenly, the same week, the spouse who is a narcissist will decide that they have something serious and they too have to go to a specialist and this that and the other thing. And then of course, the other spouse is like, wait a minute, I really do have this diagnosis. I need to be taking care of myself. And the narcissist is going oh, but I’m dying. Oh, I’ve got this. I got that. And they’re looking for a diagnosis. They’re going to doctors, their doctor shopping looking for a diagnosis to compete with the diagnosis that the spouse has I know, it’s crazy. It’s cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. And this is not a made up scenario. I’ve seen this happen. God, yeah. So you know, suddenly one spouse has got a cancer diagnosis and the other one starts going to oncologist trying to prove that they have cancer too. And then of course they don’t. But you know, that’s another story. So anyway, this is what they do.

So the other thing I’ve seen them do, and I’ve talked about this before.

Kris Godinez  10:31

And this is part of the reaction formation, the spouse will have a diagnosis, the spouse will be ill, they’ll claim that they’re learning everything they can to help the spouse. But then they’re doing the polar opposite, you know, so instead of helping the spouse with diabetes, they’re shoving sugar and alcohol and candy. And this that and the other thing is that instead of helping the spouse with MS, they’re keeping them exhausted, they’re not letting them eat healthy. They’re, you know, it’s just, it’s crazy. It’s crazy. So that’s the reaction formation. So that’s what you have to watch for. If you are still in the relationship, if you’ve got a medical condition, they will use it against you, they will use things as simple as PMS. PMDD, against the person, and they will use that as their evidence that you’re crazy. Seriously. And it’s nobody’s effing business when you’re on your period. Thank you very much. But they will do that. They will, again, smear campaigns, smear can Oh, well, she’s crazy, because you know, she’s on her period. And Baba, baba, baba, or she has PMDD. And she’s crazy and done it at it. It is like no, no. So you’ve got to be very careful of what they say and do and they will. And if they are and if you’re still in the relationship, get out, get out, because they’re going to if they’re willing to do that they’re willing to do anything. So and if they’re willing to do that to you, they’re going to do it to the kids, and they’re going to be smearing the kids with their medical information. And it’s nobody’s damn business. It isn’t. So but narcissists, of course, no boundaries, no boundaries, no boundaries, what so ever.

So also, pregnancy, okay, my dad kicked his first wife in the stomach trying to get her to miscarry because back in the 50s, abortions were not legal much like they are today. So if you think that women are not going to be abused and harmed and murdered because they’re pregnant, you are seriously mistaken. My dad did that he was an attorney. He considered himself a good Christian. He was, you know, oh, you know, I’m this wonderful person. I go to church five times a week. Oh, yeah. Did you tell them that you kicked your first wife in the stomach trying to get her to miscarry? You know, I mean, this is what they do, guys. This is what narcissists do. They don’t have common decency. They want what they want. When they want it, they want it now. And they will abuse they will harm they will hurt. They will do whatever. So, my sister Nancy and I were talking about this last time I was in Santa Barbara, and she and I were talking about how dad did this with both of her pregnancies, not my sister’s pregnancies. But the moms pregnancy Nancy’s mom’s pregnancies, trying to get her to abort. So yeah, it’s just crazy. And I believe her. I believe her because my dad was violent. And my dad was violent with me and my sisters. And he tried to be violent with my mom, she put her foot down, thank God. But you know what I’m saying? So they are violent, they are misogynistic. They are misandrists. So if they’re female, they’re misanthropes. They literally hate every body, and someone who goes to you.

So let’s look, let’s look at the flip side of that. So let’s say that you’re on the receiving end, you’re listening to the smear campaign, and somebody is telling you somebody else’s medical issues, right then and there, you need to say stop, and I mean it. I’m not interested in hearing it. Thank you very much. And they may continue to try to go on because that’s usually what abusers do, stop. And I mean, it I’m not interested, it’s none of my business. I don’t want to know what their medical stuff is. I don’t care. And if more people did that, then there’d be less of this using of medical stuff in the smear campaigns, but that’s what they do.

So they also look for ways to gain sympathy through your issue. So say, for example, you have cancer, they will start playing the, you know, loving spouse, again, they’re doing this for show, and, you know, oh, we you know, we need to do a fundraiser and this, that and the other thing we need to get money for the medical bills, and yet they’re the ones that are squirreling away the money and not using it on the medical bills, or they’re the ones that are getting all the sympathy and getting all the attention. Meanwhile, the spouse is having to still take care of the kids and still, you know, take care of themselves and try to survive cancer and try to do this and try to do that and this person again, you’re dealing with communal narcissist, you’re dealing with somebody He puts this front on to everybody about how wonderful they are and how good they are and what good little Christians they are. And this, that, and the other thing, and as soon as the doors closed behind closed doors is all of this horrificness going on. And this is what happens. You know, if somebody is in an abusive relationship, and they’ve got a medical condition, please check up on them. Please get them alone if you can, because here’s the thing. narcissists use this opportunity to completely isolate their target of abuse. Because Okay, they’ve got a medical condition. Oh, no, you can’t come over. Oh, no, they need to be isolated. Oh, no, they, you know, the immune systems down, they can’t have anybody around. I’m calling BS on that. So if you know somebody that has got a medical condition and they are in a relationship with a narcissist, please check on them, please make a way to go find and see them, and get them alone and talk to them and see how they’re doing. Because this is the grand opportunity for narcissists to get their target of abuse completely isolated, completely alone, and completely abused.

So that it’s just ah, that they know no bounds.

Kris Godinez  16:07

There is no, what’s the word I’m looking for? They have no sense of a moral compass. They have no sense of kindness or concern or sort of okay, for if it’s not about them, it makes them angry, and they will get angry at the spouse or the child who has medical condition because how dare they take the finances away from them, the narcissist, right? How dare they take the attention off of them, the narcissist, how dare they take the whatever, you know, the affection or the concern or whatever of the spouse off of them.

So remember, when we were talking about kids, they get angry when somebody has a child because now the spouse is spending time with the child and they will demand that they don’t. It’s the same thing if the kid has a medical condition, they get angry that the good mom, the good dad is spending time with the sick child trying to heal them, and not spending time with the narcissist. So if that’s going on, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, it’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse. And if they’re willing to use medical stuff against you, they’re willing to use anything against you seriously, because and that’s the other thing. narcissists are stupid, let’s just be very clear. They don’t understand the law. They don’t read the law

Well, unless their lawyer judge, and quite a few of them are. But they don’t understand the law. They don’t read the law, they don’t get the law. And so they oftentimes will do things to their own detriment, not realizing that they’re illegal. So when they do things like that, you don’t warn them, you just send them the cease and desist. And you then you hit them with a restraining order, because they have no business using private medical records, even when the child is you know, a child, but they’re 18. They’re now legally adults. So if they’re legally adults, they don’t get the records. They will try, they will try to use anything and everything against you. They will try to use any medical condition to isolate you. They will try to use anything especially mental. Okay, let’s say that you’re going to a therapist. Right? Okay, let’s say that they’re not, you know, releasing the medical records, but let’s say that they’re telling everybody and their dog that you’re seeing a therapist, okay. Do you want to know a way to handle that? If you’re not still with them, again, a cease and desist letter, because it’s nobody’s business. And that is a violation of HIPAA because it’s nobody’s business. And secondly, you just be proud of it. Yeah, I’m seeing a therapist because I’m smart enough to know when I need help. Un like some people. You know what I’m saying? So yeah, it’s like, sticks and stones, Mofo. You know, if you don’t freak out about it, they got nothing. They got nothing. And so when you’re dealing with somebody who’s trying to humiliate you for taking care of yourself? Yeah, I’m taking care of myself. Yeah, seeing a therapist and enjoying it. You know what I mean?

They’re just so they will claim that, you know, because somebody has some medical condition that that inhibits their ability to think clearly. Very few medical conditions. PMDD Okay. Are there mood swings? Yes, PMS are the mood swings. Yeah, I used to joke throw chocolate and a raw steak in the room and back out slowly. Because the hormones would do crazy things. But that doesn’t make you irrational. It makes you kind of mood swingy, but that doesn’t necessarily make you irrational. It means that you’ve got hormones raging So but of course, they don’t understand that they don’t bother to research it. They don’t bother to understand medical conditions and so they try to humiliate you for having a normal condition of Being a female, or if it’s a man with diabetes, or a man with cancer or man with MS, or whatever they try to humiliate you for having a medical condition. And what you do is just kind of like, yeah, I’ve got it and no, it says nothing about me, except that I’ve got this particular disease. They’re just heinous, heinous, heinous, human beings,

Kris Godinez  20:23

And so the thing that you’re wanting to watch for is them using your personal information, them trying to humiliate you for your personal information, them doing the reaction formation. So remember, that is the ego defense mechanism where they go, Oh, I love everybody. Oh, I love women. Oh, I love men, when in fact, they hate them. And their actions tell you that.

So disrespect, lying, cheating, stealing, trying to humiliate you, that tells me they don’t. Do you see where I’m going with that? But you know, they’re saying all of these pretty words that you know, make everybody go, oh, is this real? Am I crazy? Am I losing it? Are they you know, do they say they love me, but you know, they’re telling everybody about my medical stuff, or they’re trying to embarrass me for going to see a counselor or whatever.

So there is that and just remember guys, narcissists are, they operate on a very young level, maybe that of a two year old on a good day, if the wind is going in the right direction. They are vindictive, like nobody’s business, they are also very impulsive. And that is impulsivity is the hallmark of every single personality disorder, they don’t think things through, use that to your advantage, if they are using medical stuff. Okay, great. Oh, it’s like, alright, you send them a cease and desist letter. If they are doing other things that are illegal. You have your lawyer deal with it. Don’t ever call them a narcissist in the court. Don’t do it unless you’ve got your degree in therapy and counseling and psychology, etc., etc., etc. What you want to do is facts and figures. And here’s the facts. Here’s the proof.

That’s the other thing if they are using the medical records of your child who’s now an adult, or your medical records, get proof, screenshot, text, you know, screenshot the text, screenshot the emails, make sure you’re doing everything through the family. What’s it called the Family owl. It’s the one where the judges see it, and there’s no erasing it and everything like that. So basically, you make sure everything is documented. 10 ways to Sunday, don’t come on glued. When they do this, when they do this, not if they do this, when they do this, they are grasping at straws, they will grasp medical straws if they know they’re losing. So let’s say you’re in a custody battle. They’re going to go through the whole, you know, Psych, eval and this, that, the other thing, and if you’re seeing a therapist, yeah, they’re going to subpoena the records, because they’re looking for anything they can use against you. So don’t be surprised. Don’t be surprised.

Kris Godinez  23:14

And it it’s frustrating, and it’s aggravating. And it’s scary. Because you’re afraid that you know, they’re going to make the judge see you is crazy.

But here’s the thing. Keep this in mind, guys. Judges have got over 800 cases on their docket at any one time. They do not have time for the Grand Theatre that the narcissist wants. Narcissists view court cases as Grand Theater their opportunity to show the world that you’re crazy and they’re not and you’re the bad guy and they’re not. The judges don’t care, guys. Judges don’t care what they want, is they want you off their docket. They want you to agree to 50/50 and get the hell out of their court. That’s what they want. Series is a hard handle heart. Hello, I’m swearing on. Where’s my Lord of the Rings thing? On JRR Tolkien you know, it’s like they just want you out of the court. They do. They do not want you in this long drawn out case that’s, that’s going to work to your advantage. Stick to the facts, stick to the figures. Detachment is going to be your friend in all of this.

So when they start pulling out the medical stuff when they start trying to embarrass you or use it against you in court, first of all have a good attorney. And I can’t tell you the number of people that go I can’t afford an attorney. Okay, here’s, here’s the deal. If you got kids, you cannot not afford an attorney. You need to be able to be represented by somebody that understands this is kind of a thick book, understands what’s going on in the courtroom. The court is not what you think it is. This is why it’s really important for you to understand how courts go. This is why narcissists, oftentimes really screw themselves in court because they get emotional. They lie. You can’t lie when you’re on, you know, under oath that’s not a good thing. So, you know, and if you’ve got a good attorney, the good attorneys going to go back through the testimony and go caught em in  a lie, ah, caught em in a lie, caught em in a lie.  Why, and then they’re going to bring it up. Do you see where I’m going with that. That’s why you need a good attorney. You need somebody who understands the law understands the court system understands the way it goes and understands the judges just want you the hell out of there.

So what you want is to be calm, cool, collected, detached, when they start using the medical stuff against you. Water off a duck doesn’t affect you, because your attorney has got it, and is going to get them on other things when they don’t get their way, they get wound up, especially if they’ve got borderline traits on top of that. So if they’re narcissists with borderline, holy cow, they’re going to go boom and explode and act out in the court. And that’s what you want. And if you’ve got a good attorney, the good attorney is going to know exactly how to push those buttons to make them go boom. Does that make sense?

So I know it’s scary. I know it’s freaky to have somebody you know, threatening to use your medical stuff against you or bringing up the fact that you’ve been seeing a counselor. Here’s the thing healthy, sane people go see counselors to help them because they know there’s something wrong and they want to fix it. Crazy people are the ones that go Oh, no, that’s okay. I’ll just, I’ll deal with it myself. I’ll white knuckle it. Oh, no, I don’t need a therapist. Nope, I’m fine. Meanwhile, they’re leaving this wake of damage behind them, and they don’t frickin care. What they’re concerned about is what they look like.

The thing that’s the scary iffy thing, in the core cases is if you do ask for Psych evals, on the entire family, sometimes it backfires. Because if you don’t get a good therapist that understands personality disorders, and they don’t recognize a psychopath, when they see one, you may get one that doesn’t catch that the the, the abuser is the abuser, because they’re charming, because the person is inexperienced, whatever. So that is the concern.

So basically, that’s they will use it, they will use it, they absolutely will, but they legally have no right to now in a court case they do, they can subpoena the records. But if they’re sending stuff out themselves personally, and handing out your medical records, or handing out your kids medical records, no cease and desist letter, they may not do that, you do not have written permission, you know, in the kid is going to have to do that as well, the kid will, the kid is going to have to be the one to do that letter, the cease and desist letter, because they’re now legally an adult. So they have to be like, you do not have permission to use my records, you know, cease and desist, etc., etc., etc. And the attorney can draft it, etc., etc., etc. So it’s a good idea to have a good attorney and if the abusers are doing things like that, then you want a good attorney, because this basically says to me, they have no moral compass, they need to be right at all costs. They don’t care what rules or laws they’re breaking. And, you know, you need to have somebody backing you up to make sure that your medical records are safe. So there it is,

When you’re speaking to a therapist, we’re going to get to the questions in just a minute. When you are speaking to a therapist, and you know, you’re in the middle of a high conflict, divorce, let them know, your records may be subpoenaed. I just want to let you know. So keep the notes short. Thanks. You know, seriously, you know, we’re what do you do in the case of a subpoena? How detailed are your notes? What do you know, how do you how do you protect me, from my crazy spouse? So these are things you can say to a potential therapist, why not? You need to know. So and a good therapist will let you know. And what I tell people is my notes are really short. They really are. They’re like three lines of what we talked about and what we’re working on and what the plan is. That’s it. That’s all that’s all it needs to be. So yeah. So talk to them about that. So there is that. Okay. Let’s dive into the questions that I cover reaction formation. Yes, I did. So that’s when they do the opposite of what they’re really thinking and feeling. Okay, let’s go over here.

Kris Godinez  29:15

Is it common for a narc parent to use the child’s illness as a reason for abuse? Yes, absolutely. My narc mother blamed my dying brother. Oh Jeeze! For getting cancer. And then she played the victim. Absolutely. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So they do they like I said, they get angry. They get angry. When a child gets sick. They get angry when the child is taking resources away from them. So, remember to them money is literally their God. Money is literally their God and they get angry when a child’s illness starts putting a financial drain on the family. They’re more concerned about the money than they are about their child surviving or getting better or healing or anything like that. So, yeah, they will blame the kid, they will harm them, they will abuse them, they will verbally beat them.

You know, along similar lines, my dad used to tell me that it was my fault, he could never retire. Okay, I looked him when I was 17. I supported myself since I was 17. So he could retire. Anytime after that. He persisted in that magic thinking, until the day he died. I was the reason he couldn’t retire. Because he had me and of course, I was pointed out to him, Well, you’re the age old who didn’t wear condoms. So then, of course, then he would hit me and all that fun stuff. But, um, you know, it’s like they absolutely look for any excuse to play the victim to be angry at the child because it’s not, it’s not acceptable to be angry at a child for you know, having cancer. But they’ll abuse them that way. Oh, you did this to me. And I had to do that you had cancer, like it was their fault. Like the kid woke up one morning and said, Hey, I want to be dying of cancer. How about No, how about that’s ridiculous. So ya know, the abusers will absolutely punish the child for having a disease, they will punish the child for being sick. They will punish the child, you know, like, Yeah, and again, it’s because the attention is not on them. And if they can’t get the attention, then they will play the victim. They’ll either the long suffering parent or the long suffering spouse or, you know, whatever. So yeah, they absolutely will use that as an excuse to verbally abuse sometimes physically abuse because they’re about the emotional age of a two year old if that on a good day.

Question. So my mark NARC, Dad never allowed me to be sick or go see a doctor and deny that I’m ill. Okay. narcissists have got weird thinking, do remember when we talked about that a couple of weeks ago, narcissists have got very weird thinking. They don’t want a child going to see the doctor because they’re afraid of what they’re going to tell the doctor. They don’t want the kid to be like, Hey, Dad hits me. Because, you know, the good doctors ask those questions in several different ways. If they’re a good doctor if not they ignore it. And there’s a lot of bad doctors out there. So yeah, they didn’t first of all, narcissists don’t want the kids having any opportunity to tell an authority figure who by the way, doctors are state mandated to report abuse Hello. So, they don’t want them to go to the doctor and say, oh, yeah, dad, dad hits. Yeah, dad spanks me or dad takes a belt to me or mom hits me or mom spanks me. Or mom takes the belt to me because remember, abusers can be both male and female. And everything in between. So, it’s, they yeah, they’re abusers. They don’t want their kids going to an authority figure that can report doctors can report, doctors, usually if they’re good doctors, ask the questions that will ferret out if the kid is being abused. Bad doctors don’t. So that is why they probably would not allow you to go to the doctor, um, and then denying sickness.

So again, it’s a competition. And it’s an inconvenience. Oh, you’re not sick kid, Buck up, you’re fine. You don’t need a doctor, you don’t need this, meanwhile the kid’s got a bone sticking out, you know. So they don’t care. They don’t care. And they hate it when somebody can get sympathy that they can’t. And they hate it when somebody can get attention when they can’t. So, they don’t want it’s an inconvenience for them. Well, if the kid is sick, and I have to take care of them. Well, I don’t want to have to take care of it. You’re not sick, da, da, da, da, da. Yeah.

Kris Godinez  34:04

You know, my dad used to do something very similar. He would get mad at us when we got stomach flu or things like that. He was terrible caregiver. He didn’t want to be a caregiver. And so he got angry at us when we got sick. Yeah, that’s exactly what they do. Because they don’t want to be bothered. They don’t want to be bothered. And what is the point of having a child if you’re not going to take care of them? Well, Narcissists. For my dad, he didn’t have really a choice. And he, oh my God, when he got rid of his first wife, and then he married my mom. It was like the first family never existed. And then suddenly this family was everything. And so you know, he had to have kids and show that he was just as good as the ex and could marry and this that and the other thing. And it’s, but he still wasn’t a good caregiver he was terrible, he was not warm and fuzzy, he definitely was not warm and fuzzy. And he would get angry if you have showed any sign of weakness.

So for a narcissist, weakness is being sick, weakness is crying, I wasn’t allowed to cry, it took me until I was about 16 or 17, to be able to cry. And even after that I had a hard time with it. Now I cry at the drop of the hat. But it’s really they don’t want any sign of weakness, it makes them angry, because to them, that’s not perfection. And remember, everything has to be perfect. Everybody around them has to be perfect. And that means not being sick. Because in their crazy minds, if you’re sick, you’re not perfect. Isn’t that nuts? That is just nuts. But that’s what they do to kids. And so then those kids grow up. And they have a hard time asking for help. Because that’s a trauma response. We have a hard time going to the doctor, I still hate going to the doctor, I’ll go but, you know, if we if we get sick, we get angry. I do because I’m just like, damn it, I got stuff I got to do. Why am I laying in bed? What is this? And I’m clear, that’s a trauma response. That’s because of my dad, we had to be up and doing stuff. So yeah, that’s what they do. They absolutely make you wrong for being sick. It’s stupid that it’s because they can’t stand the imperfection. If you’re imperfect, that means they’re imperfect, because they don’t have boundaries. They don’t understand the separation.

How do I get other family members to believe me about the abuse I’ve been going through because of my dad? Oh, honey, you’re probably not going to get them to believe you. You’re not. So, what you got to know is: you know what you know, you know what you know. And this has been brought home to me recently because I’ve been having to go through more boxes from my mom’s estate. And there was a box of, of condolence cards on my dad’s death, right? So, I’m going through and I’m just kind of casually you know, looking to see what’s in them and things like that. And nobody, nobody in Gridley knew what my dad was like, behind closed doors. Sometimes the family members didn’t know what dad was, like, behind closed… the distant ones, not the ones that were like, right there, because we all saw but you know, so it was very, you could ask John, this I didn’t, I really need to get a new punching bag, because I really have a lot of anger about that. So you know, it’s like they’re not, they’re not going to see it. Because remember, they put on a mask, they put on a mask, and they behave differently with different people. And they behave differently with different family members. So trust your experience, trust that you know what you know. And you don’t need to convince the other family members you don’t because either they know or they don’t. And to be in that deep of denial to not see it, especially when you’re right there that speaks volumes to the level of mental health issue that is going on.

So if they were right there, and they’re denying it, and they saw it, then get the hell away from them you’re not ever going to convince them and it’s not your job. Your job is to heal you. Your job is to get CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. Do it front to back get the disease to please Harry Braiker front to back. Self-esteem workbook Glen Schiraldi, front to back, do not skip around. Do it because you’ve got to trust you. You’ve got to trust your own experiences. Because yes, they make us question. Absolutely. So I remember telling the sister I have the most problems with that, you know, Dad tried to sexually molest me out by the pool. He tried to French kiss me, right. And she literally looked me in the eye and said he never did that.

Kris Godinez  38:43

And I stopped. And I put my hand out and I went stop right there. I know what I know. He molested me back off. And she did because she wasn’t expecting that response. She was expecting me to be like, Oh, okay. So you know, when somebody is in deep denial like that, you’re not going to change their mind. You’re not, you know, and to this day, to this day, my sister is like, oh, he was perfect. And I’m just like, perfectly awful. Thank you very much. So, and of course the other family members that were there that saw it are like, oh, yeah, yeah, Kris, he was perfectly awful. You’re not wrong, you know. So you’re not going to convince the family members that don’t want to see or hear the truth. You’re just not it’s not going to happen. So you’re going to have to let that go work on yourself. Know what the you know what, you know, certainty. They love to take our certainty away from us. They do. They want us to second guess they want us to go did that really happened. And am I imagining? No, I did not imagine that that really happened. You know what I’m saying? So know what you know, don’t worry about convincing them. It’s not your job. Your job is to get you healthy and away from these bozos. Anybody that sides with the abuser is not your friend, or your real family. Let’s be clear. If they’re siding with the abuser if they’re refusing to see the truth is not your job to educate them or remind them no, your job is to go fix you heal you take care of you be certain trust your gut know that you know what, you know. There you go. So yeah, there that that hope that answers the question and you’re not alone sweetie that’s all right.

Why can’t I remember most of my childhood I know there was trauma and that’s why Okay, let’s talk about PTSD. All right, so PTSD in the DSM five is a one time event like a car accident. witnessing a robbery, being threatened with a knife or a gun or being in war, things like that complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, something happened day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day, the might had been different ways of abuse, but it was still abuse. So when we have trauma in our lives, and depending on how old we are, okay.

Kris Godinez  41:04

Little kids can’t cope with trauma that some adults can’t cope with trauma. A lot of people can’t cope with trauma, and that’s okay. You know, because it’s like, it’s so overwhelming and so traumatic and so hard to deal with. And little kids in particular, don’t have the cognitive ability to process the trauma and be able to go that’s on them. It is not me, it is them. So when little kids go through trauma, they literally kick out the information, they dissociate, they leave their body. You know, if there was sexual abuse going on, I cannot tell you the number of reports of the child saying I watched it from the corner of the room. You know, I saw what was happening to me, but I was over here watching it. So literally dissociated, literally just checking out. Nope! Peace out!

Gone. See, yeah. It’s a way of coping. It’s a coping mechanism. That is why we cannot remember a lot of our childhood, if there’s been a huge amount of trauma, and we haven’t worked on the trauma. So the big thing I would say would be, give yourself a big old hug chest, honey, you’re normal. This is what happens when we go through abuse, we don’t remember huge chunks of it. That is one of the key aspects of PTSD is that you don’t remember a lot surrounding the trauma. So, get with a good trauma therapist, get with a good trauma therapist, look into EMDR. And look into EFT. EFT is the tapping. And that helps deal with trauma. EMDR is really good, a good trauma therapist is going to be good, you start working the books, work on your triggers, part of the time when we start remembering, and it happens, you won’t remember until you feel safe. That’s just the nature of the beast, you won’t remember until you feel safe.

So when I start working with my clients, and they tell me that they can’t remember large chunks of their childhood, I warn them of that I say, look, as soon as you start feeling safe, you’re going to start remembering stuff, and it’s probably going to show up as flashbacks, it’s going to show up out of the blue in the middle of the grocery store on a Tuesday, you know, and, and it’ll happen. So just, you know, beware, you’re going to have triggers, you’re going to have emotional flashbacks, you’re going to start remembering, and it takes a long time. It does, it takes a long time to build that rapport, to get the trust going for them to start working on the self-esteem to for them to start feeling safe. And then lo and behold, the memories start trickling back. And then we deal with them as they come up.

So, I know a lot of people are like, no, no, no, no, no, I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to… No, no, no, it’s too painful. Okay, take a deep breath. Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was horrible. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. However, until you bring it to the light and you process it through, you’re always going to be driven subconsciously by that trauma. Let me say that again. Until you bring it to the light and you process it through, you’re going to be driven subconsciously by that trauma. You’re going to be making decisions that a four-year-old would make the inner child is going to be the one making decisions. You don’t want the four-year-old and your child to be making decisions. You want the adult you to be making decisions. That’s why working on the trauma is so hugely important. Is it scary? Yes. Can it be painful? Absolutely. The thing you have to remind yourself of is you survived. You’re here. You’re listening to this, this this I was going to say tape but we don’t have tape anymore. I don’t know when you’re listening to this video. So, you know you survived. It’s just memories now they cannot hurt you anymore. The memories can be painful. Absolutely. But and because it’s an and world. It cannot hurt you. It’s in the past. You are dealing with the stuff from the past, and that is going to heal your present. And it’s going to make for a better future. Trust me on that one. So you want to work through it, don’t be afraid of it. Don’t be afraid of it. Fear is what stops us. Remember I talked about that last week, fear is what stops us from getting from over here to what we want. And in between is this little tube called fear that we kind of have to run through and give the middle finger to and work on the stuff so that we can get to what we want. And what we want is freedom. What we want is to explore the world and joy and fun and happiness and liking ourselves. That’s what we want.

So yeah, the trauma. When it happens to us as little ones, we tend to dissociate, we forget, but it’s always there. It’s always there. And when you feel safe, it will come back the memories generally do come back. Not always, but generally. So it can, the triggers will always be there. So if you’re getting triggered by something and you’re like, What the hell, that’s when you really need to journal and figure out what is this about and realize you may start remembering, and it’s okay, I would rather you remember than not remember because you got to process it so that you can feel it and heal it and move forward and not be run by the subconscious.

Kris Godinez  46:14

So there is that. Okay, let’s see. Ah, okay. So yes, the reason you can’t remember is because of the dissociation that is associated with PTSD, CPTSD? Absolutely.

Okay, if those being mistreated mentions the abusers diagnosis, are we making a mistake? Targets wanting to be validated? So is there a safe way to mention their diagnosed bullies? Well, it depends on what you’re talking about. If you’re doing a legal case, no, you will. Okay. caveat, if you’ve got a good attorney, you can have the attorney subpoena their medical records. Okay. So that’s one way to do it. If they have a diagnosis, though, really, I wouldn’t, unless you’re a counselor, a therapist, PhD, whatever. I wouldn’t, you know, it’s enough how to explain? You don’t need a diagnosis to show that somebody is abusive. What you need is the behavior. They’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, that’s really all you need. You know, a diagnosis is nice. It’s it is, you know, so, yeah, I can think of one case I had where they did do a family psych eval, and it was a good evaluator, because he came back with every personality disorder in the book. And, you know, the judge took one look and was like, okay, you know, against the abuser. So, I mean, that that turned out good. But then I’ve had other ones where they completely missed it. So really, what you want is the behavior, behaviors, behaviors, behaviors, behaviors speak louder than any diagnosis ever will. You know, if there is really a diagnosis and you’re in a court battle, tell your attorney and ask them about getting the records. You know, that’s really all you can do. But if you’re just talking to people, no, just stick with what the behavior is. I mean, here’s the deal. My dad never got diagnosed ever, because he refused. Wow, what a surprise, to go get help. He hated therapists, which is so funny that I’m a therapist. He’d hate this. Anyway. Um, so he never had a diagnosis. Do I have some suspicions about what he was you? You betcha! You know, and really, it’s the behavior, the behavior, the behavior, the behavior, the behavior, the behavior, you know? And that’s, that’s all you need. That’s all you need. That’s you don’t need to have a diagnosis. You just got to look at the behavior. So remember, when you’re dealing with the court system, they want facts and figures, they want documentable behaviors, you know, so like, say, for example, they’re blowing up your phone 100 times a day. Okay. Well, that’s a crazy behavior. You got that right there. Let’s say they’re being baiting in their emails. Well, if you have the family, what the heck is that family wizard? That’s what it is family wizard, family wizard. So, if you’ve got the family wizard, okay, you’ve got proof that they’re baiting you in the emails and that they’re, you know, saying false things or lying or going back on what they said three emails ago, I’m going with that. So its behavior, its behavior, its behavior. It’s not a diagnosis, its behavior, which is funny, because then you get the diagnosis from the behavior. So you know, all right. So all right there was that.

Kris Godinez  49:43

Okay, I struggle with feeling like I have to be productive. When I don’t. I can have unrealistic expectations of things. How do I handle this? Okay. So, this is what abusers do to their kids, they make them feel worthless unless they’re doing something for them. So, it’s interesting how so many of us have the problem or the issue of being unable to relax, or being unable to just do nothing, or being unable to not be productive. That is a trauma response. That’s a trauma response. So, the best example I can give you is, my dad’s dad was an alcoholic, I come from a long line of alcoholic attorneys, what a surprise. And his dad used to beat the living crap out of him. Now, I have compassion for that. But that does not excuse my dad’s behavior. So, because my dad had a dad, that was exactly like him, right? So, dad’s dad was cuckoo, and abusive and alcoholic and beat him and everything else. My dad could never relax, we would go on vacation, he could never relax, we were up at six o’clock every morning, we were doing something we had to be reading up on whatever battleground we were going to, or we had to, if we were up in the mountains, we had to be picking up around the cabin that we were staying at and getting little twigs for the fires and things like that, he would wake up at five o’clock in the morning and use the chainsaw up there and wake the entire valley up because that’s what he did. He couldn’t relax, he couldn’t just chill out and allow people to relax. If he caught anybody reading a book or enjoying the sunshine or not working, he would give them something to do. And usually it was meaningless tasks like picking up twigs. So, it’s a learned behavior. It’s a learned behavior. So, my suggestion would be write it a good Beiler write it a resignation letter, dear busy, I quit. I resign, benefits suck. There’s no vacation time. I’m tired. I want to not do anything for an entire weekend or an entire vacation. And you know what? That is my right as a human being. So go, pound , sand. Do you see where I’m going with that? Resign, quit. It’s a trauma response. You don’t have to be productive you don’t. It’s okay to relax. It’s okay to have a vacation and do nothing or just have fun. Doesn’t have to be productive, you know. So, my suggestion would be writing a goodbye letter, journal it out, you know, put it back on the person that belongs to whoever taught you that it had to be productive. And get with a good trauma therapist and start working on it. You have the right to relax you do you have the right to be nonproductive. I mean, one of the greatest joys in life is after an entire week of working with clients. on a Saturday, I’ll just do nothing. Like nothing like read a book, like, lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. Because really, it’s 114 and I’m not going to be doing much. You know what I’m saying? It’s okay, it’s okay to not have to be productive and that’s going to be mirror work. That’s going to be another way that you’re going to work on besides doing the journaling besides writing the goodbye letter to it. Besides handing it back to the person that taught it to you. You’re going to be doing mirror work. Hi, good to see you have a great day. You know what? It’s okay for you to relax. It’s okay for you to be not productive. It’s okay for you to have a vacation. It’s all right. And then walk out now what’s going to happen is the first day that you attempt that, that inner critic is going to pop up and you’re going to continually tell it to go pound sand. You’re gonna send it on its merry way. Nope. mofo I’m not. I’m not doing anything productive today. Go pound sand. Buh bye! 10 minutes later, okay. Yeah, I hear you. I see you. I hear you. I see you. Guess what? I’m the boss. Go pound sand. Have a nice day. Goodbye. Bye. Have a nice day. Me go bad said goodbye. Bye now. Do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, that’s absolutely what you’re going to have to do. Okay, let’s see.

With Schiraldi and skipping around, I thought it was okay. If our esteem in that particular area is solid. If your esteem in that particular area is solid, yes.

Kris Godinez  54:23

However, I’ve had some clients that will swear to me up and down that their esteem is really solid in that area, and it’s not and I encourage them to do it. Anyway. You can always learn stuff about yourself always. And I would rather be thorough I would rather go front to back. You know if you’re seeing a solid and you’re really not getting anything out of it. Okay, great. But if your esteem is not solid and you find you’re getting something out of it goes straight through. So yeah, so you can always you can always learn stuff about yourself. The self-esteem workbook is not a one and done. I recommend going through it. A couple Little times, you know, and just seeing where you work because self-esteem is not a fixed point in time. So do that. Alright, let’s see. What else do we have? Oh, that’s it. We are done. All right, my love’s go have a great week and I will and it’s supposed to be 111 next Sunday, so stay cool drink plenty of water. Alright guys, I will talk to you later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.