We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez

07-23-2023 Bad Behavior in Parenting
In this episode of We Need To Talk With Kris Godinez, Kris discusses bad parenting that we experienced from our dysfunctional families of origin and the possible fleas that we picked up.

Have you ever had your parent’s voice come flying out of your mouth? Nine times out of ten that happened when you were stressed out, and it was a knee-jerk reaction. What can you do when that happens? Are you aware of all of the bad parenting that your dysfunctional family of origin gave you and how that plays out in your own parenting?

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA, or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Okay, so a couple of things. Obviously, I am in the car, I am not driving. Thank you very much. John is driving. We are on our way back from our epic “Let’s avoid the heat” trip. Which we did pretty good, but it’s still gonna be what 110 Today, 107, 113 Yay, Phoenix. Anyway, so um, so we’re on the way back to the house, we’re probably gonna get to the house in the middle of all this. So just bear with me during the craziness as we unload the dogs. So. All right, a couple of announcements I wanted to make. I will be doing my next meet and greet in Salt Lake City. Those tickets are available on me. Hey Andrea, those tickets are available on KrisGodinez.com. So I will be in Salt Lake City if you wish to go see me there, and we’ll have a good chat and all that sort of good stuff. I haven’t come up with the next one after that. The one that I do have planned is in Florida. So that will be on December 2 will be in Florida. August 26 will be Salt Lake City. So, if you want to get your tickets go get ‘em because I’m trying to figure out how to pack let me know alright?

Current event, so I wanted to talk about the strike the AFTRA, SAG, writer strike etc. etc. I am 100% for it. I am remembering I my degree my bachelor’s degree is in theater arts. So, my heart lives with the actors. So, I agree with them. I think what they’re fighting for is right. As much as I love Bob Iger, he makes what did they say, 73 million a year or something like that, something ridiculous. And he’s complaining about them wanting to be compensated for their likenesses and their voices and things like that. Part of the issue is that they’re saying the AI can mimic their appearance and mimic their voice, and not cool man pay them for it. That’s weak. That’s how do you wouldn’t demand that your dentist work for free. Why are they demanding that actors work for free? Do you see where I’m going with that? And if you want to know why I support unions, read the jungle by Upton Sinclair. It’s all about the meatpacking industry in the early 1900s. And how brutal it was, and how they didn’t care about the workers. They didn’t care whether somebody got hurt. They didn’t care if they fell into the machines or got ground up into hamburger meat. So, it’s a really good book. So, I would strongly suggest reading it. Workers need to be valued. Their work needs to be valued, no matter what their work is. It’s like I have this sense that some of these narcissists who were CEOs are like, Oh, well, you know, you’re just a this. So, therefore, you don’t need compensation. Well, that’s a real narcissistic attitude. That even the people who are fixing our food have value, and they are valuable to us because they provide a service, pay them enough to make enough to get an apartment and have a car and pay for gas. That’s all they’re asking. So anyway, that is my current event. And there you have it, why I support you.

So, I’m all right today. We are talking about bad parenting. So, I think there is not a survivor out there. That came from a narcissistic family that hasn’t experienced bad parenting, and we tend to pick up fleas from that. So, I just want to validate that our go to our knee-jerk reaction when we’re super triggered. And we’re super upset and very emotional is going to probably be one of the things that our parents did to us. So, first of all, I just want you to acknowledge that that’s going to happen. It’s going to happen we’re going to have Please. So, something to think about. And this isn’t bad parenting. This is just. This is just kind of an FYI. When we have kids, okay. And our children hit the age that we were, when we got abused, we’re going to find ourselves triggered like nobody’s business, and we may or may not be able to put together why. So that is just something to think about is that when we have children and our children hit the age that we were, when we were abused, we’re going to get triggered, and everything is going to be very, very hyper, hyper vigilant, hyper aware, triggering, etc., etc. Sometimes when we get triggered, we are going to have our parents pop out of our mouth. So, but the difference between a bad parent and a good parent, a good parent, as soon as they know that their parents have popped out of their mouths, they are going to go, Oh my gosh, that was my mom. That was my dad, that is not you. I am so sorry. Let me make amends. I want to make sure you’re okay, that wasn’t okay for me to yell at you, or whatever. Do you see where I’m going? Whereas a bad parent just does the behavior doesn’t own, it doesn’t take ownership, doesn’t try to make sure the kid is not getting damaged. Does that make sense?

So, one of the things so basically, forgive yourself, it’s going to happen. You know, when we come out of these abusive relationships, especially family of origin, we’re going to have fleas, we’re going to do things that our parents did or said, but as soon as you catch it, you make amends, fix it, you make sure the kid is okay. Mentally and emotionally, physically, whatever. And you make sure that it doesn’t happen again. You nail down that flea. Squish that flea. So bad parenting. I want to talk about some things I have seen parents, bad parents, narcissistic parents do in divorce and not divorce and in staying with the abuser, etc., etc. So, what somebody asked me a question, can you talk more about narcissistic mothers and emotional incest? Okay, so emotional incest does not just happen with narcissistic mothers. It also happens with narcissistic fathers; it can happen to either sex of the child can either be the son or the daughter doesn’t matter. And what emotional incest is, is it the parent, the narcissistic parent, or the disordered parent, dumps into the kid, all of this emotional stuff, so they use the kid as a confidant, or they use the kid as a counselor, or they use the kid as a secret sharer. You know, they tell the child about the affair that they’re having. But don’t tell mommy, don’t tell daddy, whatever. Or they overshare they tell the child way too much about what’s going on. You know, my mom did that a lot. They use the child as a counselor, try to get them to fix their problems, etc., etc. So that is emotional. incest that is absolutely emotional incest.

So, you want to make sure that you’re not oversharing with your kids. And if you have a parent that is doing that, they will continue to do that no matter how old you are. You’ve got to be the one to put a stop to it. You’ve got to be the one that says nope, no more, we’re not doing this. I’m not listening. This is not my job. I can’t handle this; I can’t deal with this. You know, you need a therapist, here’s the number, you know, that kind of thing. So bad parents will do that. And you’ve got to realize that parents will be bad parents until the day they die. They don’t stop. They just don’t. If they’re narcissists, they don’t stop. If they’re not narcissists, you know, they can, they can have some growth, okay? But, if they’re truly disordered, and if they’re truly harming, and if they’re truly doing things like emotional incest, they don’t ever stop. They will never ever stop being inappropriate and what they say or what they do, or you know, how much they overshare or things like that. So, for us, when we’re faced with a bad parent, a parent who’s just inappropriate, you have to be the one to put the brakes on it. You’ve got to be the one to go thank you for wanting to share this with me. I am not interested in being your secret holder. I am not interested in being your therapist. Here’s the name of a therapist. And if you continue, this conversation is over. Now, they’re not going to like it. They’re not absolutely 110%. Remember, it’s a power and control issue. So, they want to make you feel fear, obligation, and guilt. F.O.G. right.

Kris Godinez  09:51

So, if you’re the secret holder going around the corner, okay? If you’re the secret holder, then you’re you’ve got a lot of burden on you on necessarily so. And if you accidentally say something, you know, let something slip, then it’s all your fault. So, for example, and I’ve had this happen, the abuser told one of the teenagers that he was having an affair. And the kid obviously went to the mom and said something, and then the dad and I use that in bunny ears because that’s not a dad. That’s a sperm donor, then blamed the child for the breakup of the marriage. So that’s bad parenting, that is 110%. bad parenting. That’s too much of a burden for the child. Children should not be given adult secrets ever, ever. So, another thing that I see in divorce, besides the emotional incest, is let’s talk about the whole bad-mouthing the other party. Now, a lot of people mistake not bad-mouthing the other party who’s disordered and is abusive, with being quiet and condoning it somehow no, no, no, no, no, no.  There’s a big difference between pointing out behavior and bad-mouthing. Let’s talk about that. So bad parenting is bad-mouthing the other parent, calling them names, putting them down, doing essentially what a narcissist does, right? Name Calling put-downs, discards, devalues, etc. But what you can do is you can point out the behavior. Okay, your mom is doing this. But healthy people do this. Can you see the difference? That’s all you got to do. And that’s not putting them down. That’s not name-calling. That’s not. You’re calling out the behavior. So, you always want to point to the behavior. How are they behaving? What is their behavior? What is going on? Does that make sense? So bad parenting is where obviously parental alienation. But again, what is the motivation of that particular bad parenting thing?

So, let’s talk about this. Most of the time, when narcissists, malignant borderlines, malignant histrionics, etc., do bad parenting, it’s because they have an agenda. Because it’s a power and control. And it’s also maybe I’m abdicating responsibility. So that’s why those parents do what they do. It’s not that they suddenly, you know, decide one day to go through a book, every single stupid thing they could possibly do to a kid, it’s with an intent, there’s, there’s an agenda, there’s something else going on. So, the parental alienation is a power and control issue. The parental alienation is to get that child away from the healthy parent and siding with the abuser because then they can go…Hah! See, my child loves me more than you. That is not healthy parenting. Healthy parenting is the kid loves both. But the kid probably sees that there’s issues with one of the parents. That’s healthy parenting. So, it’s not a matter of getting them on your side, it’s not a matter of win-lose, you know, because that’s black and white thinking that’s splitting. And narcissists always have to win. And that’s why they do parental alienation. It’s not because they love their child and they want all of their attention all the time. Nine times out of 10, what I see happening is they do the parental alienation. They get the child full-time, either legally, or the child just says I don’t want to go over anymore. Because, you know, dad or mom says you did this, that the other thing and the child chooses to stay with the abuser. But then once they get the child, they start giving up time with them, or they don’t spend time with them, or they slough them off onto a babysitter or they, you know, start complaining about how expensive they are or whatever. And eventually, what I’ve also seen is that kid go back to the other parent and just go, okay, I get it, I saw it firsthand, I see this now, you know what I’m saying. But that’s with a with an abuser. Its parental alienation is a power and control issue. It’s a, I’m going to take something away from you, that is valuable and will hurt you. That’s what this is about. It’s not about spending time with the kid. They could care. They couldn’t care less about. Because they don’t, they don’t if they really truly cared about their child, they would make sure that there was not parental alienation going on.

Now. caveat, here’s another part of bad parenting that I’ve seen. And a lot of people coming out of abusive relationships do this. But it’s important for my child to be with that parent. Full stop. If that parent is abusive, and that parent is not wanting to spend time with that kid, count your lucky stars and take that child and spend as much time with that child if you possibly can, as you possibly can. Because here’s the deal. Narcissists really don’t care. And what I’ve seen also in bad parenting is the divorce will go through. They weren’t really around during the marriage. But then the divorce goes through. And suddenly, they’re gone. The abuser is gone. They’re off trying to find new supply. They’re off with maybe their new family. And they basically ignore the children from the first marriage. That’s what happened with my dad, with his kids. You know, when he married my mom, suddenly, my sisters and I were all, you know, all the thing, and the other two got ignored. So, um, and that’s bad parenting. You don’t do that when you have a kid; you have a kid for life. Like you know even when my mom was in her late 80s, and I was in my 50s, I am in my 50s, the early 50s. You know, she still was like, You’re going to, you’re going to come visit, I love seeing you. Let’s hang out, I miss you. You know, it’s like, she was still parenting me. She was still trying to parent me. And in a good way, not in a bad way. And, but narcissists give up time with their kids. They don’t want to spend time with them, sometimes not all the time sometimes. And they will abandon the child. And instead of going, what a godwink, some parents out of a mistaken thought or idea that that child needs that parent. No, no, no, madam. No, sir. They do not. If they are abusive and that parent has given up time. Thank Your Lucky Stars. You spend that time you mark down how many days are giving up, and then eventually you go back, and you file for full custody, or you file for more child support or whatever it is that you need. So yeah, so bad parenting is based in agendas, okay? It’s an agenda. It’s not what is for the greater good of the kid. It’s always me, me, me I, I, I, more, my genitals. It’s never about what is good for the child. So, I think that is the biggest thing that I see with narcissists and the behaviors that they Hello, the behaviors that they do. So, let’s see. Okay, and because I’m kind of on my own, I’m going to try to do the questions as they come up.

Do narcs tell the child secrets in the hopes that the child would tell the other parents so that they can punish the child? Yes. 110% the other parent so they can. Okay, it turns out, it seems the narc is always looking for a reason to show off and to punish. Yes, 110%. Again, there’s always an agenda. There’s always a game. Always, always, always. There’s always, you know, what’s in it for them. And because they are sadists, bad parents, narcissistic parents absolutely do trick the kids into doing something that will piss off the parent, so they have an excuse to punish them either verbally, or physically or emotionally because that’s just what these wankers do. Mostly, what I see with narcissistic parents. And this is another thing that damages the child incredibly is that they make the child responsible for them; they make the child responsible for their happiness, for their sadness for their being alone; they become parentified the child. So that’s bad parenting. parentified the child is horrible, because it puts, again, an undue burden on that kid to be responsible for things that their little brains cannot be responsible for.

Kris Godinez  18:42

And I’ve seen them parentify children as young as four, like, Oh, you’re four years old, you’re old enough to watch the younger child Nuhu wrong. Okay, I see a question.

Okay. How do you find trust and security after growing up in a chaotic, addicted household, okay? Trust insecurity starts here. It starts with you. You must be able to trust yourself. You must be able to be secure in yourself. And out of that, you will recognize people who are trustworthy versus people who are not trustworthy its trusting your gut. So, my suggestion would be getting The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. That’s, okay that’s another bad parenting. They don’t give us self-esteem. In fact, they give us the opposite. They give us low esteem, they, they teach us to not like ourselves. They teach us to put ourselves down. How we are spoken to as children is what then becomes our inner critic. Let me say that again. How we are spoken to as children becomes our inner critic. That’s what we hear. It just keeps getting spewed out just like, you know, my dad’s big thing was oh, you’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re cute. You’re stupid, right?

And it’s overcoming those messages, so it’s going to be working on your self-esteem. Self Esteem  workbook, Glen Schiraldi. The Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker getting rid of that codependency, The Inner Child Workbooks any of them, I don’t care go grab them work them, because we’re having to undo all of the mistaken thoughts and the mistaken beliefs that our abusers gave to us all of those nasty things they said to us, become our inner dialogue. So, we have to speak to ourselves with absolute kindness and absolute clarity and absolute. What’s the word? I’m looking for? Compassion and gentleness.

Question, Should I run away screaming from these red flags? Yes. If there’s, if there’s red flags, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. If you’ve got enough red flags that it’s starting to look like a communist parade, it’s time to get out. And actually, you want to train yourself so that even when there’s one red flag, you’re like, Okay, I know that one. See, ya wouldn’t want to be ya, you know what I’m saying? So yeah, you absolutely when you start seeing lots and lots of red flags, and there’s no movement or work on their part. They’re a narcissist, because even autistic people work on themselves, okay. They know when they’ve heard somebody, and they don’t like it. narcissists, on the other hand, enjoy it. So that’s kind of that kind of goes with that question that I had last week about autism versus narcissism. Autistic people can be very self-centered or very unemotional. Like, they don’t recognize emotions. But they can work on that. And that changes with them. With narcissists. It does not. So, if somebody is intentionally being avoidant, intentionally not sharing the emotional burden of whatever is going on. That’s a huge red flag. That is a huge red flag, especially if you’ve talked to them about it. And they’re still like, nope, nope, nope, nope, I’m not going to. I’m not going to participate because I’m feeling overwhelmed or threatened, or I don’t know what to do with it. So yeah, you want to be aware of red flags. And you definitely want to pay attention to them, and you want to act on them. You don’t want to just sit there and take it. I’m saying, Okay, so where was I? Okay, bad parenting.

Another thing that bad parents do that narcissists do when the narcissist abandons the kids, so like, makes it clear that they’ve chosen the second family makes it clear that that child is not important to them. And the reason it’s dark in here is because we have all the shades shut, trying to keep it cool. That child starts thinking that they’re not worth it, that, you know, obviously, I have no worth, or my mom or my dad would pay attention to me. So, this is where a lot of abandonment issues come in. So um, I would strongly recommend, again, get with a good trauma therapist if you had parents that called your names, prentified  you put you down, made you feel responsible. ignored you, or shared over shared, that’s all trauma, that is all trauma, all of the bad parenting that we had to put up with any and all of that is trauma. And we are going to get triggered, and we are going to if we don’t work on it if we’re not conscious about it, we start acting it out unconsciously. And you don’t want to do that. That’s why we tend to be attracted to people. That’s why the inner child does the picking. It’s why I keep saying the pickers broken. picker. Okay, hold on.

Is it common for a narcissistic mother to have lost? To have lots of children as a way for security and old age? Yes. 100%. My late narc mother expected children to look after her in her old age and became aggressive when we didn’t yes, that you know what? If you ever watched the movie Like Water for Chocolate, it’s an old movie 1990s. Like Water for Chocolate is all about a family who had these very strict roles that they had to play and generationally in that particular movie. The youngest child was assigned the role of never marrying and staying single and taking care of the mom. That was the role of the youngest child and I’m like, I wouldn’t run away. So it basically, the movie is all about how the youngest child rebels and falls in love, and of course, it has a tragic ending because it was an Academy Award winner what Academy Award winner doesn’t have a tragic ending? Anyway, great movie and that really shows how generational trauma, and it also shows the very confining roles that children are given by a narcissistic mother, so I strongly recommend that one. It’s called Like Water for Chocolate it is in Spanish, I think there is a dubbed version, but I don’t like dubbed versions because they always get it wrong. So, I like the What am I trying to say? The subtitles, thank you the subtitles, because you know, then you can kind of read along and, and all of that. So um, yes, they do have children in order to take care of them. Again, that is giving the child a job that is not theirs.

So, let’s talk a little bit more about that. Another bad parenting thing is that narcissists and disordered people will have children for absolutely the wrong reason. So, they’ll say, Oh, I’m going to have this baby to save my marriage. Please don’t, please, no, no, that is not the thing to do. So, giving a child a job before they’re even born is abusive and not fair. That’s not that kid’s job to save the marriage. Again, too much pressure onto a little one. That’s not their job. Plus, the fact children are extremely stressful to have if you’ve got a narcissistic partner, that partner will be jealous of that child, I can guarantee 110% they will demand that the mom pay attention to the narcissist rather than the new baby. And the baby will be left to cry in the crib. That’s what happened with one of my sisters. They’ll be ignored. They’ll be, you know, a burden you they’ll be, you know, etc., etc., etc.

Okay, can you talk about the Barbie parent one of uses and the other does nothing? Okay, I did a video on this a couple of weeks ago that very quickly. It’s really a frustrating situation. What will happen is that the enabler, let’s call him an enabler rather than a Barbie parent. An enabler will allow the abuse to happen, knows that the abuse is going on. And they’ll do absofreakinlutely, zip. And it’s because of their inner child. Well, but if I intervene, they’ll come after me. But if I intervene, they will punish me. That’s literally what they’re thinking. My mom did the same thing. I think I talked about this, you know, she knew point blank, my dad was abusing me, and I talked about it in my book, What’s Wrong with Your Dad, available on Amazon and audible. But I talked about how she was standing at the window one time he sexually molested me. And she knew what happened. And she was like, well, we don’t want to piss him off. Because, well, you know, we need the money. And what would we do without the money and da, da, da,. And I’m sitting here going, you know, now knowing her family history going, Wow, that was your inner child. So, it gives the message loud and clear that you’re not worth it to protect. That’s really what that saying to that kid. And that’s abusive. It is. Because the message is I’m more worried about me. And I’m not going to put myself out to protect you. So that then sets us up for a lifelong issue with abuse if we don’t work on our self-esteem, which is why I’m saying Self-Esteem Workbook Glen Schiraldi all the start working it because what our parents or non-protecting parents did or did not do had everything to do with them. And absolutely nothing to do with us. 110%.

Kris Godinez  28:39

So yeah, it just is crazy. And then let’s talk about incest, incest. So, my dad molested me. There are mothers, narcissistic mothers that they don’t parentify, they the only word I can hear in my head is they Babyize. That’s not it. But they make the child a child. They take away… infantilize. There we go. They infantize, I’m sorry, it’s been a really long day. We’ve been driving forever. I’m glad we’re home.  So, they infantize the child. That’s another way. So, they tell the child that they’re not competent. They don’t allow the child to cross the street on their own. They don’t allow the child to pick their own friends. They don’t allow the child to have a bank account. They don’t allow the child to learn how to manage money. They don’t allow the child to fill in the blank. And if you take that a step further, the really psychopathic ones turn those kids into second spouse so they will resist allowing the child having their own bedroom and own space and there was one I dealt with where we were just about to call CPS because they refused to get the kid who’s a teenager, their own bed, and I was like I know that technically CPS won’t find anything wrong with that, but knowing who this person is I have tons of issues with that. So um, yeah, absolutely.

Um, Why do narcissists talk about the person to others? The people who are wise to the narc think he’s odd, but it doesn’t seem like he sees that. No, of course, they… so narcissists are all about… it’s a popularity contest, okay, it’s a win or lose popularity contest, I must win, I must have the most likes, I must have all the friends, I must have everything. So, everything is black and white to them… all good, bad, nothing, you know, nothing, everything. You just see where I’m going with that. It’s like very split in their thinking. So, they start trying to gather flying monkeys to them. So, they will literally have seen them call up the parent of the sane spouse and start complaining to the parent about their child, fully expecting that parent to agree with them. Yeah, they’re. They’re cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. I’m not even kidding you. So, it’s a popularity contest. And it’s a I must win at all costs and smear campaign, and with the smear campaign, they absolutely want to cast aspersions on your character. So, they’re trying to make you untrustworthy, you know, they’re going to lie about you. They’re going to say you did X, Y, and Z when you didn’t. It also helps them look like the victim. Oh, this person did this that and the other thing to me, poor me, boohoo. And they get to play the victim. So, narcissists can flip between the different types of narcissism, they can be the victim, and then other times they can be grandiose, you know, so it just kind of depends.

Okay, trigger warning question. Can a parent molest you without touching you? Yes. That’s verbal incest. That is emotional incest. Sexual talk demanding hugs or touch. Yes, that makes 100% sense. So even though they don’t touch you. And this is something my dad would do. He would always tell the filthiest, and I mean, absolutely disgusting, inappropriate jokes in front of me or to me and expect me to be like, Oh, that’s funny. And so yeah, it is a grooming technique. This is what sexual abusers do is they groom. And they say things like that to gauge your reaction to see how resistant you are to that. So yeah, this is that’s a grooming technique. That’s abuse. 110%.

Okay, question. narcissist is like a small child themselves? Yeah, because they’re about two, seriously. When you’re looking at a narcissist, emotionally speaking, they are operating about at a two-year-old, if not below level. Is that part of the reason they infantilize their targets? No, that is not part of the reason. They infantilized their targets for power and control. If you can make somebody less than what they could possibly be, if you could make them doubt themselves, if you can make them dependent on you for literally everything, you win the war, that kid will never grow up, never move out, never get their own stuff. Never have a boyfriend or a girlfriend never grow. And so, it’s intentional. Again, everything they do is with an agenda. Their agenda for infantilizing is to have all the power so that you never leave them. It’s an automatic lifetime supply for their ego. So, it’s the narcissistic supply 110%. So bad parents. In contrast, good parents, their whole job is to get that child self-sufficient. Self-esteem, self-empowered self, what’s the word I’m looking for? It’s like they’re ambitious. They want to go. They love mom and dad, they want to visit, they want to, you know, visit the mom and dad, but they also want to go explore, and they want to go test out the waters and try the world and see what’s going on. So, a good parent allows that child to discover who they are and gives them the wings to fly. So, it’s not just you know, punting them out of the nest of 18 and go fly bitch. You know, it’s like, no, it’s like, here’s your wings. You know how to use them. We’re right here if you need us. Come have fun exploring, write when you get work, you know, like that kind of thing.

Okay, so given that the inner critic comes from the harmful parental messages, what do you think of the idea? I heard EMDR about befriending my inner critic. I think it’s a technique. I don’t think it would have worked for me. But if that works, then great, do it. You know, me coming from a CBT background. For me, it’s very helpful. And it’s very what’s the word I’m looking for? Cathartic. To really put that inner critic back where it belongs, it’s like, Oh, Hello, Bob, this is not my thought. This is not me. This is my dad’s bs. And guess what? Jackwagon I’m handing it right back to you. So, for me, the anger is cathartic. And you could be friend to the inner critic and try to help them but I kind of feel like that would be trying to befriend the abuser and trying to help them, but you know, if it works, great. If it doesn’t work, you tell your therapist and go nope. And going back to doing it this way. Or whatever works for you. Or if it works, Hazzah all you know that for me personally, it’s I love Pete Walker’s candidate back candy that is not ours. It was not our luggage, put it back on the carousel, it’s not ours. So that is hugely important. And you’d rather not befriend, either. Okay, good. Well, when you tell your therapist that because honestly, that’s kind of like befriending the abuser. Because that negative stuff came from the abuser. That’s nothing. I wouldn’t be friends with that. That’s something that you kick out. That is something… exorcise it. Gone, be gone, be gone. Not today’s Satan. You know that kind of thing.. But you hand it back to the person belongs to it’s, not yours. You don’t need it. It’s not yours. You don’t have to be friends with you don’t. You need to recognize it and go yup. That’s not my thought. That’s my mom. That’s my dad. That’s my grandparents. That’s whoever. Guess what I’m handing that thought  right back.  So, there is that.

Kris Godinez  36:54

Alright, so bad parenting, any and all of the things that we went through as kids, any and all of it. And if you will notice, the main theme for all of it is an insane lack of respect. They do not… bad parents do not respect themselves. But they also don’t respect their kids. And the kids are seen as an extension of them which they are not. They are their own little being or they are seen as a burden. So again, it’s that split thinking it’s like, you know, good bad, black, white, all nothing. So, the kids are a mini me, which is not good. And they try to turn them into the golden child and put them into these neat little boxes. That’s bad parenting.

Or, oh God, here’s something else I’ve seen narcissists do that. Just it angers me so much. So, the child will be a hugely talented artist, say for example, either singing or arts, or, you know, crafts or painting or theater or whatever. And the parent being jealous and not understanding the art that they are doing, or maybe not liking it, or maybe because they can’t do it tells the child No, they can’t do it. No, you need to do that. No, you want you want this. So, they tell the kid you want something when they don’t want something, and they will redirect the child to go do a different thing. It’s not their thing.

That’s so damaging. I cannot even begin to tell you how damaging that is. So, when you have a child, and you tell that child No, you don’t want that you want this. The kid has got people pleasing going on anyway, that’s setting them up to be even more of a people pleaser, putting themselves completely on the backburner and doing something to support or help or make that parent like them. So, the kid gives up ballet, or dance or art or painting or singing or piano or trombone, or whatever. And they regret it the rest of their lives because they know that that’s what they love to do. And meanwhile, their parent made them go, say for example, go play sports or vice versa. The kid is really good at sports, and they shove him into some sort of art program. It’s like no, you play to the kid’s strength and the kid is athletic and put them on athletic stuff. If the kid is artistic, put them in artistic stuff. That Narcissus cannot listen to me now, believe me later. They cannot tolerate or handle differing opinions. So, if you like something and the narcissist doesn’t understand it, they’re going to insist that you do what they do understand. 110% And that is so damaging to kids because, again, what is the message? The message is my wants and needs are not important. And that’s not okay, because then that makes us grow up into. Oh, no, that’s okay. I’m going to be a martyr, which is not us either. That’s them. That’s the covert stuff. Oh, no, that’s okay. I’m going to put my stuff on the back burner. That’s okay. I don’t need to do that. No, that’s all right. Then you start settling, and where does it stop? That’s a really slippery slope. Because it’s like, you start settling in one area, you’re going to start settling in another, don’t settle. Absolutely. If you are in love with sports, go do it. If you’re in love with the arts, go do it. And it’s never too late to start. And that is something I really, really, truly want to point out. So many clients of mine come to me, and they’re like, Ah, I wish I’d known this when I was 20. I wish I’d known this when I was in my 40s. I wish I’d known this earlier. It’s too late. No, it’s not. Now granted, if you’re a singer, you’re, and you’re in your 50s, you’re probably not going to get on American Idol and go win the thing. But there is nothing to stop you from singing. There is nothing to stop you from performing. There is nothing to stop you from doing local community theater. There is nothing to stop you from playing in local bands. John plays trombone he plays with the Maricopa County, MCC, the community college. He plays with the with the band there. And he also has another band that he goes and plays in Mesa. He loves it. And I encourage it. And that’s what healthy people do. They encourage each other to do the things that they love. If a parent is discouraging a child from doing something they love, oh my God, that’s abuse, that is abuse, it is abuse, it is not letting that kid be that kid and enjoy what they know they enjoy. So, there is that.

And on a smaller scale. Whenever a narcissistic parent tells a child, Oh, you don’t want this, you want that. They’re doing the thinking for them. And that makes the kid dependent on them. And pretty soon, the kid doesn’t know how to do something without that parent. And that’s when you get couples that are very codependent. What do you want for dinner? I don’t know. What do you want for dinner? Well, I don’t know. What do you want for dinner? I can guarantee you if you look at their background, their parents probably were the type that told them what they wanted. And it wasn’t okay for them to express Well, geez, tonight I want Italian. Or geez, tonight. I want Mediterranean Oh, geez, tonight, I want Chinese or geez, tonight…Do you see where I’m going with that. Because then the parent be like No, no, you don’t want that. Because that’s not what I want. Do you see where I’m going with that one?

They do it in the grocery store. I talked about this the other day when a child says, you know, oh, you know, I want that candy bar. Instead of going well, honey, I know you want it, but you cannot have it. We’ll get it maybe next. You’ve been following through on your word. They go no, you don’t want that Candy bar Actually yeah, the kid does want that candy bar. So, what you’re doing is you’re telling the child not to trust their own perception. Is there an agenda behind that? Oh, you betcha. Because then they’re basically saying no, no, you don’t see the pink elephant taking a crap in the corner of the living room. When you do see pink elephant taking a crap and call me. Do you see where I’m going with that? So, they absolutely try to make us doubt ourselves. Make us not trust our own gut. Make us not believe what we see that whole thing. So, all of the things that we went through as kids are bad parenting, and if you notice, the main theme is disrespect. And it’s the agenda. They have an agenda. There’s an agenda behind. There’s 100%. You know, what’s in it for me? How is this going to benefit me? How is this going to make aggrandized me? That’s all of their stuff.

So, good parenting is the polar opposite of bad. It’s lots of compassion, lots of understanding, which narcissists don’t have, lots of reflective listening, making sure that the message is received, lots of good communication. That’s a good parent. So, as we have kids or grandkids or great-grandkids, or whatever, it’s really important to check in and make sure that you’re not getting triggered and that you’re not perpetuating the generational trauma. Just because it happened to you doesn’t mean you have to act it out on another generation.

Okay, do narcs have an evil face? Yes. When I remember my narc, I do not just see her face but something evil in the way she looked. Yeah. 100% 100%. Okay. They put on a mask for a certain amount of time. But when that mask finally slips and falls completely off their true intention. The true intention is It is there. And yeah, they are evil, 110%. And I’m sick and tired of apologists who are like, Oh, they just are like they weren’t loved enough as children. No, no, that’s not the issue there is there’s something missing with them. They’re missing a cog. They do not feel they do not feel love the way that you and I feel love. They have no empathy. They literally they can do the most heinous things and go straight to sleep. Whereas the rest of us, if we do something that we’re we think we’ve harmed somebody, I can guarantee you that we’re sitting up there going, Ah, geez how do I make this right? okay, I’ve got to make this apology. And, wow, I hope I didn’t screw up, you know, and then we go fix it, you know, we face the consequences of making a mistake. Whereas narcissists, they, don’t they? Absolutely, yeah, like, here’s going sideways today. They absolutely don’t face the consequences of what they’ve done. They don’t make apologies that are real. So that’s, that’s another thing, a good parent, when they screw up, the kid acknowledged it, makes amends, and makes sure that it never happens again. So, and that’s, I think the big difference is that bad parenting is ego based. good parenting is self-esteem based.

Kris Godinez  46:31

It’s like, how can I be the best guide to this little one that I’ve been given, so that they grow up with good self-esteem, and they grow up with confidence, and they grow up with listening to their gut, and trusting themselves, etc. So really and doing all of this stuff all boils down to self-esteem, working with the inner children. So Inner Child Workbook, Catherine Taylor is experiential. So that is the one where she has you hold yourself as a baby and rock yourself and see if anything comes up. And then another one is where she has you spread out a blanket and you know, smear food on your head. I actually had fun with that one. But um, you know, and see what comes up and it’s experiential, the Lucia Cappacchione Reclaiming Your Inner Child, is you write the child with the non-dominant hands and the adult with the dominant hands, can you have a conversation back and forth. So whichever one works the best, do that, or you can do both, you know. And it’s funny what you discover working both of them soft; some stuff comes up with the experiential, and the other one comes up with the doing the writing. So, it’s really important to work with the little ones inside and understand that they were victims of bad parenting and that you get triggered because of what happened to them. And sometimes I know people, when they start working with their inner children, they either are feeling anger towards them, or disgust or whatever, and that’s your abusers. That’s not you. That’s your abusers. That little one that you’re having the hardest time with needs your love and needs, your compassion, needs to have their handheld and told, hey, you know what? It’s going to be okay. I love you; I hear you. I hear you. I believe you. I know what you went through. And I’m sorry you had to go through it. And let me just tell you a little one. Nobody’s going to do that to you again because I will break my foot off in their ass, you know what I’m saying? So, you let them know that they’re safe, and you talk to your little one inside of you. So, you can do like guided imagery.

You know, it’s like, you go someplace safe in your head. You call them to you. And you sit them on your lap and hug them and kiss them and say, Hey, I love you, you’re a good little one, I love you. What do you need? Ask them what they need. And nine times out of 10, that little kid is going to say I just need to be protected. Or I just need to be heard. Or I just need to be believed. Let them know I believe you. I will protect you. I am protecting you now. I believe you, I hear you. Absolutely 100%. You’re important to me. And I think that’s important because the message a lot of us got growing up with bad parenting is we didn’t get that message that we were important at all. And we didn’t get that message that we were believed or heard or truly loved, or respected or anything else because the narcissist doesn’t know how to do any of that.

So all right, I think that was pretty much it on bad parenting. If you find yourself, you know, mom or dad come flying out of your mouth. First of all, forgive yourself. It’s going to happen, guys; it’s going to happen. So, when that happens, you just acknowledge it, and you clean it up. And then you do work on that you basically write mom and dad letter and be like, you do not get to come flying out of my mouth anymore, you do not get to hurt another generation. Does that make sense? So, you basically evict them. So CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving Pete Walker, the Self-Esteem Workbook, Glen Schiraldi The Disease to Please Harriet Braiker, Inner Child Workbook, Katherine Taylor, Reclaiming Your Inner Child by Lucia Cappacchione. All of these are going to help you as parents and grandparents, great grandparents, to not keep continuing the generational trauma. And really love that little child inside of you, or those little children different ages inside of you.

So, love that little one inside of you love them. And if disgust or anger or whatever comes up, put it on hold, you can put it on oh my gosh, thank you put it on hold and figure out where that Disgust is coming from because it’s not you. It’s not you. 110% It is not you. That little child did not deserve disgust or anger or blame or, you know, whatever, you’re a burden, whatever they said did not deserve that did not deserve that. So, you undo that. So that’s what people ask. They’re like, Okay, what is re parenting yourself. So, re parenting yourself is confronting that inner critic, writing it out, sending it back to the people it belongs to, but then replacing it with what a good parent would say. So when you’re doing the mirror work, you’re literally talking to your inner child, seriously, you’re talking to your subconscious, you’re talking to the inner child, and you do things like Hey, good to see you have a great day, I give you permission to like yourself, or I give you permission to be competent, or I give you permission to be funny, or I give you permission to have all of your emotions. It’s okay, I’m right here and I got your back. Then you walk out, because that’s what a good parent would say.

So anyway, I think that is it. If there’s any last questions, please let me know because I’m about to put a fork in it for today. It is really hot. So just so we left June 23, we’re back July 23. About three days after we left, we started getting emails from our house sitter it’s hot in here. And because it has been so ridiculously hot in Phoenix, or air conditioner could not keep up. So, we’re keeping it like what 80, 81, 83. Anyway, it’s hot. It’s really. I see I see a new air conditioner in my future. So, thank you guys. Oh my gosh, I’m so anyway, I just want to reaffirm is that we all had if we came from families of origin of a chaotic and abusive and this and that the other thing. We all had bad parenting. And everyone saw that bad parenting is going to come flying out of our mouths. And the difference is we recognize it. And we can do something about it. So, and we can change it and we can clean it up.

Oh, I love you guys too. And you know, that’s something I wanted to tell you guys. I love my fan base. You guys are so awesome. And I really love the fact that we have a community forum where people feel loved and heard, and supported. And thank you, thank you for being loving and concerned and supportive for each other and everybody. So that is awesome. All right, guys. I think that is it. I cannot for the life of me remember what I’m talking about next week. So, I’ll go figure it out. Any questions that I missed I’ll go back through the chat and make sure I caught all the questions, and I’ll answer other questions on Wednesday. So, there is that, all right, my love’s you guys go be awesome. Take good care of yourselves. Drink plenty of water, be careful in this extreme heat if you’re in an area that’s got the extreme heat. And I will talk to you on Wednesday and then we’ll see you on Sunday. Talk to you guys later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.

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