People ask me all the time how I know when someone has shown me who they really
are. Abusers wear masks all the time. The overt ones are easier to spot; they proclaim
loudly who they really are through their verifiable lies and cruel actions. They essentially
“tell” on themselves by saying things like “I’m not a good person” or “You will leave me,”
to which the unknowing target will seek to reassure them that they are a good person or
that they will never leave them. The covert ones come off as nice, but when crossed,
they will bare their fangs and go for the jugular. No narcissistic abuser will ever
apologize for their actions or words, and if they do, it is a narcissistic, insincere apology,
and their bad behavior will happen again, because a true apology means taking
personal responsibility for the behavior and then never allowing that behavior to happen
again.
Consistency of behavior tells me everything I need to know about that person. Mentally
healthy people are consistent. They do not have mood swings or roller coaster behavior
like intermittent positive rewards. If abusers abused all the time, no one would have
anything to do with them, which is why abusers will be nice, then nasty (testing the
boundaries), then nice, then nasty, etc.
The people that the abuser likes or recommends or hangs around with also speak
volumes as to what their moral character is. Abusers surround themselves with minor
narcissists and/or sycophants. Look to the behavior of those with whom they surround
themselves. Often, those people will be gaslighters, liars, etc. Pay attention! Do not just
ignore the behavior. If they are surrounding themselves with gaslighters and liars, they
are surrounding themselves with people just like them, because healthy people do not
put up with either gaslighting or lying.
In the 19 years I’ve been doing this, the top thing that tips me off is the cruelty.
Common, everyday, cruelty. People with malignant personality disorders all lack
empathy. They cannot and will not put themselves in anyone else’s shoes and have
compassion. The way they speak about other people or animals gives them away.
Healthy people have no need for cruelty because their ego is stable. They have self-
esteem. They have empathy. They have compassion. They can accept differing
opinions without feeling threatened. Malignant personality-disordered people need to
bolster their inflated and fragile false sense of self; they have no stability, they have
other esteem, and their sense of self depends on outside circumstances. They have no
empathy or compassion, and in fact, view kindness and compassion as a “weakness”.
They absolutely cannot accept a differing opinion as it threatens their power and control.
Much like a psychopath who starts with small animals and moves up the chain, a
malignant narcissist will start with small cruelties to test the waters to see what you will
tolerate. However, their insatiable need for control and power, their sense of entitlement,
means that their need for cruelty to exert all of the above and get the same narcissistic
supply will continually increase. The level of cruelty is the level of crazy you are dealing
with.
They are sadists. What is a sadist? It is someone who derives pleasure from inflicting
pain on others. It gives them a false sense of power and control. They enjoy watching
their target of abuse suffer. Our tears are delicious to them.
Cruelty is not normal. Sadism is not normal. Deriving pleasure from hurting others and
inflicting pain, either emotional or physical, is not normal. I cannot stress this enough:
Abusers ultimately want their target of abuse dead. That is the ultimate power and
control move, making them feel God-like. Targets of abuse normalize abnormal
situations to survive, but that is dangerous. Never normalize cruelty or sadism. Leave.
You cannot reason with them. You cannot love them into sanity. They do not love. They
do not have empathy. There is truly no there, there. The level of cruelty is the level of
crazy. Make a plan and get out as quickly as you can.
