“Why do I procrastinate so much? What is wrong with me?” That is a question that I get
asked a lot. Hello, and welcome to yet another trauma response we all have coming out
of abusive relationships. Short answer? Procrastinating is a maladaptive way of having
control. What is wrong with you? Nothing. It is simply your inner child trying to be safe
and a totally normal response to having little to no control in your life, either currently or
in the past. Is it a healthy response? No. Can it be changed? You betcha!
Procrastination can be managed and dealt with, but it will require mindfulness and
staying in the present moment. When you find yourself procrastinating, you would be
wise to start analyzing what is going on emotionally. What are you thinking? What
thoughts are you having? How old do you feel when you want to dig your heels in and
refuse to do what you need to do?
Many children growing up in toxic households with a narcissist or two very often find
themselves being rushed and not just being rushed by the toxic adults but being berated
as they are being rushed by the toxic adults. A passive-aggressive way to have some
control (and remember, we learn passive-aggressive behavior from watching our
parents) is to dig our heels in and make the adult angry, even though it ends up getting
us in deeper trouble. A lot of that is completely subconscious behavior, which is why it is
so confounding to us as adults when we find ourselves procrastinating.
So? What is the solution? How do you stop that behavior? First of all, you have to
recognize that you are doing it and when you are doing it. Next, it is time to have a
come to Jesus with your inner child or children. Get The Inner Child Workbook by
Catherine Taylor or Recovery of Your Inner Child by Luccia Cappachione. I cannot
stress the importance of getting with a damn good trauma therapist enough to help with
all the maladaptive behaviors that were learned or used to stay safe while in the toxic
environment. Utilizing mirror work to talk to your inner child/subconscious is truly going
to help and will reinforce the work you are doing in the workbooks.
Will procrastination rear its ugly head once you have done the workbooks and done the
mirror work? Yup! Hence the need for mindfulness. As soon as you recognize that the
inner child is in charge and not the adult you, you must gently but firmly let the inner
child know that s/he does not need to rebel, that adult you is in charge and keeping
him/her safe and there is no need to dig their heels in. Let the inner child know you have
his/her back and they are free to go play while you take care of whatever drudgery the
inner child did not want to do.
Full disclosure, and to let you know you are not alone in your journey of shaking off
procrastination: I started this blog in March. I think my inner child has been and always
will be way more interested in playing than sitting at a desk. So when you accomplish
whatever it is you needed to do, make sure to reward both yourself and your inner child.
Go play, go relax. Give yourself and your inner child some positive affirmations for a job
well done.
