Dysfunctional family members are hard to deal with, and it is especially hard if that or those family members are your siblings. Siblings in healthy families are our first friends. In toxic families, dysfunctional families, they are often our first bullies or our worst enemies.
Dysfunctional families encourage sibling rivalry and bullying, and they certainly do not teach the children how to draw boundaries or protect themselves from bullies whether they are siblings or not family. How do you deal with siblings who are abusive? I’ll give you a hint. If you were not related to these people…would you have anything to do with them? If the answer is no, act accordingly.
Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.
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Okay. A couple of things, announcements. Um, so go to Krisgodinez.com. Yes. Is, everybody okay, over there? Lucky, hopefully, Lucky will not unplug everything we’re trying to move things around, so he doesn’t rip cords out. Um, okay, a couple of announcements. Um, go to Krisgodinez.com. If you are interested in doing any of the meet-ups, the meet and greets. So those are for right now I’m doing Vancouver. In June, no, May, May, Vancouver, BC in May. And then I’m still looking at doing the Pacific Northwest. I’ve got to get a hold of family members. It’s like herding cats. So it may be like July, August, possibly September for that. So, we’re trying to do all sorts of, you know, school stuff and things like that. So anyway, go to Krisgodinez.com. If you’re interested in looking at upcoming meet and greets. I have a blog that I do every couple of weeks and things like that. Okay. All right now. All right.
So current events, this I read this this morning, and it just I’m so sad and so angry all at the same time. So, stalker kills woman, husband, and then self in Seattle area home along a long-haul trucker from Texas who became obsessed with a software engineer in Washington state after meeting her through social media chat room app killed her, her husband and himself after stalking them for months. So, I want to be very clear. If you have a stalker, do not take it lightly. Don’t assume that they’re going to go away. Don’t assume that they’re not crazy. Don’t assume that they won’t kill. When somebody has a dark triad. Okay, psychopath narcissistic. Machiavellian control freak. So apparently, what this guy did is he obsessed on this woman. She had she had a podcast, and he started obsessing about her, knew she was married, knew she was married. And she’d been married for like 10 years. And the chats, you know, his contact with her started getting weirder and darker, and she didn’t know what to do. And she was like trying to, you know, finally, she started blocking him, and she started doing all this stuff. Well, then he’d find a way around the blocks, he’d get a hold of her, and then he started telling her I am going to kill you, I’m going to kill your husband, etc, etc, etc. She got a restraining order, which was the right thing to do. But she didn’t call every single time he did something because didn’t want to bother people didn’t want to. At least, that was the feeling I got from reading the article. This was on the AP this morning.
So um, here’s the deal. If you have a stalker, what was her podcast? Hold on, let me see if I can find it. Somebody was asking what the podcast is.
Um, okay. He heard her in an audio chat room on the app clubhouse, where he said she facilitated a discussion for Farsi speakers. Yeah, so that’s how he found her. Um, so basically, if you’ve got a stalker, it doesn’t have to be a romantic partner. It can be literally any cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs that decides to obsess over you and start harassing you. So, he was calling her 100 plus times a day he was texting 100 plus times a day he was bombarding social media, email, etc, etc. If anybody does that to you, that is harassment. Go get a restraining order. Go get pepper spray. Go take some Self Defense classes. So, they, they found the husband’s body at the door. So clearly the guy came to the door, shot him at the door, went into the house, killed her, then killed himself. So, you can’t reason with these people if they are truly invested and intent in their delusional thinking that they need to kill you. They’re going to or they’re going to try. Don’t give them the opportunity, call the police every single time they violate that order of protection.
Now, apparently, I’m the other thing that was happening too is that the order of protection was held up because they couldn’t find him. So, there was a hesitancy to go get an order of protection. And there was the inability to find the guy because he was a long-haul trucker. So, please call the police call the police every single time somebody threatens you don’t put up with it. Because these dark triads, the ones that are truly dark triads that are psychopaths, narcissistic, Machiavellian, they’re crazy. They, they are delusional. They’ve got this whole fantasy thing going on in their head. And when they don’t get what they want, when they don’t get their needs met. So, for example, this girl wasn’t like, oh my god, yes, I’m going to leave my husband and go run off on the road with you. He became violent and angry. It was a rejection. So, I’m guessing there was probably mommy issues going on. So um, anyway, the point being is this just happened. And this was in Washington State.
So, sometimes I get people that contact me through instant message, and they want to be my friend. And if I haven’t met them in real life, now, I’ve met a few of you in real life where I, Yes, I have chats with you because I have met you, I have vetted you. And I feel comfortable with you. There are some people I have not met in real life that keep trying to get you to get personal. And I’m just like, arm’s length. Because I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t know, these people. I don’t know these people. So, we are groomed, especially if we have any sort of abuse in our past, to be overly polite. And we’re afraid to have strong boundaries. And you’ve got to in this day and age on the internet when people come at you and start chatting, you don’t know who they are, you haven’t really met them, you don’t know what’s going on with them. You know, and, and we’re groomed to not ask for help.
It’s crazy. It’s like a recipe for disaster. It’s like the perfect storm of Holy crap. You know what I’m saying? Because it’s like we’re groomed not to ask for help. We’re groomed to feel overly invested in taking care of everybody else. So, we don’t want to hurt somebody’s feelings. So, we don’t ask for help. We don’t get a restraining order. We don’t call the police we don’t…. And then what ends up happening is that’s going to get us killed. So how do I explain this. Boundaries are there to keep us safe and boundaries or for people who are abusive, right? Because it’s like, Ah, you don’t get to cross that boundary. And you’ve got to be certain about that. If you’re wishy-washy in any way, when you’re dealing with one of these dark triads, they’re going to mow right over you quite literally, in this last case.
So anyway, I just wanted to reinforce that it doesn’t necessarily have to be a romantic partner, it could be a family member that you need to get a restraining order against. It could be a total stranger. It could be, you know, a coworker. It could be, you know, anyone who is exhibiting these obsessive-compulsive, aggressive, threatening behavior. Yep, not okay. Don’t put up with it. And don’t hesitate to use the court system, and don’t hesitate to go do things to protect yourself. You have the right to protect yourself from an abuser, from an aggressor, from an insane person who’s delusional. You do. Pepper spray, I conceal carry, you know, I carry both, actually. So, I’ve had a stalker before, so yep. And I don’t put up with that crap. So yeah, absolutely. All right. So that’s current events guys. If you need to get a restraining order, get it if they’re if they’re doing anything that is harassing. So, here’s harassing 100 or more texts a day, 100 Or more emails a day, phone call after phone call after phone call after phone call threatening in any way, shape, or form. You know, I’m going to get you; I’m going to hurt you. I’m going to do this. Get a restraining order, or at the very least, file a police report. So, you’ve got a paper trail, so that the next time you have to call, you can reference here’s where I called before and then you go get your restraining order because now you got a paper trail. Right? So yeah. So be careful, be safe. Don’t be timid, don’t be shy. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to call the police.
And the problem of it is, and this is I’ve heard this from several people. The police will be like, Oh, why are you calling? Because that’s what the judge told me to do. biatch. And that’s exactly what I would say. Because that’s what the judge told me to do. It’s like you call every single time they violate this order.
So, huh? Anyway, don’t be afraid to ask for help. And you get you get the officer’s name. If they pull that kind of crap, go over their head. I’m sorry. I’m done. I am done with people who enable the abuser with people who shirk their duties as a public servant. Don’t get me started. Do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, you’ve got to be, you’ve got to be ballsy, you do. You just got to have courage. And you’ve got to be willing to stand up for yourself and not put up with crap from anybody, no matter who the bleep they think they are, which ties in nicely to what we’re talking about today.
Okay, so siblings how to deal with disordered siblings. Okay, so basically, disordered siblings do not just pop out of the womb. Usually, they come from a family that is disordered themselves. So disordered parents are the ones who set the kids up. So nature, nurture. Is there a genetic component to disorders? Yes, I think there is nurture. However, nature sets us up and nurture if the family is aware, awake, you know, get making sure the kids are treated respectfully and with love because respect and love are the same thing. It is unlikely that they will develop go on to develop a personality disorder or be psychopathic, right? Okay? Because remember, there are two type types of psychopaths. There is the ones that their brains are just wired cuckoo. And then there’s the other ones that are created through behavior.
So, anyway, healthy, normal families ensure that all of the siblings are treated equally and that there is no sibling rivalry. Now, where will there be jealousy between siblings, of course, there’s always going to be a little bit of sibling rivalry going on. However, abusive parents set it up so that one kid is the is the scapegoat or two kids with a scapegoat or three kids with a scapegoat. And one kid is the golden child, and they hammer those kids with, you’re not good enough, you’re not good enough. You’re not good enough. You’re not good enough. And they create this jealousy. They create this nastiness, divide and conquer. That is what abusive parents do. This is what toxic parents do. They divide and conquer. So, I wanted to read a couple of articles. And this is on psychology today.
So okay, so basically, it’s the parents that set up the sibling rivalry. The parents are the ones that set up the argumentative you know, you’re not good enough, but you’re the golden child, that kind of thing. So, when a sibling is disordered, it makes it very difficult. It does to have a relationship with them because they’ve got the black-and-white thinking. So, we’re either dealing with malignant borderline personality disorder, or we’re dealing with narcissistic personality disorder, or worst-case scenario, we are dealing with narcissist psychopath, Machiavellian. Okay, so narcissistic, it’s all about them. Psychopath, they have no social rules of engagement. They don’t know how to engage. Machiavellian control freak, okay.
So, when you’ve got a sibling that is one of those, it makes it very difficult to have a relationship with them. Now, if the parents are still alive, you can take this to the bank and earn money on it. They will do everything they can to continue the division. They will do everything they can to sow chaos, doubt, fighting, infighting. Pitting one kid against the other. You know, an extreme example of that would be when you’ve seen these videos where the parents get busted for child abuse because they have been boxing each other. Oh my god, yeah. So, but it can be more subtle than that. It can be as simple as bad-mouthing one sibling to another sibling. And creating this, I like you, but I don’t like them. And you need to side with me because, you know, I’m the aggressor, right, so the aggressive parent, the toxic parent, sets up that divide and keeps it going. Because it’s a game of operators.
So, they’re like, Okay, so in a game of operator, the one who holds the power is the one who triangulates the communication. That’s the one who holds the power. So, the parent who says one thing to one sibling and another thing to another sibling and then sits back and watches them argue or hate each other. Oh, my God, what a sick mother Clucker that parent is. So, they’re creating; they’re creating this sibling rivalry. They’re creating this chaos; they’re creating this hatred. They’re creating this nastiness. They’re creating it. So, this is where the siblings come from. They don’t they don’t just pop out of the womb that way. Unless, of course, they’re the type two psychopath, in which case, yeah, they did pop out of the womb that way. But most of them are made. Okay.
So, okay. So, it’s hard when you’ve got the parent still around because the parent is going to interfere. The parent is constantly going to keep the pot roiled. They want that pot being stirred because they need chaos and drama the way the rest of us need oxygen and water. Okay. So, they enjoy it. To them. It’s the greatest entertainment on Earth, and it makes them feel so powerful. They sit back, and they go, Huh, look what I did. Look, look how I made them hate each other. Look at that. I’m powerful.
Boy, when they meet their maker, are they going to be really surprised! You know what I’m saying? So, okay. So, it’s hard when the parent is still there because they’re going to continue to stir the pot. If the parent is gone, though, you and you guys are all adults, and now you’re dealing with siblings that have a personality disorder, there are still going to be fallout from the parents. So, let’s go over that hold on just a second.
So, this one is stop walking on eggshells for family members. This is Randy Krieger. If you have a sibling with a personality disorder, and that can be any personality disorder, histrionic, narcissistic, borderline, you know obsessive, compulsive, etc. You are likely the walking definition of ambivalence. Your sister or brother has probably hurt you bullied you, but you still love them, even though they still scare you a little bit. Siblings experienced trauma. Being a sibling of someone who suffers from borderline personality disorder or narcissism can be a very isolating and stressful experience. It is common to find yourself overwhelmed at times with feelings of fear, obligation, guilt, wow, the fog, huh? Go figure. Worry confusion, helplessness, anger and even abandonment. You may struggle with anxiety, depression, or complex PTSD, all of which come with their own set of mental health challenges. These things may have been overlooked by your family members, and perhaps by you as well, the focus of the entire family tends to revolve around the person with the biggest problem. So disordered parents have a tendency to ignore the kids that are doing well. You know, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had clients sit on my couch and go, Yeah, my sibling was disordered. And Mom always said, Well, I didn’t worry about you, because you were sane. What?
No, kids all need attention. You know, it just, Oh, and they play into the narcissistic supply by doing that. So yeah, again, parents can be the problem. Your job is you. If no one has told you this yet, your first and most important responsibility is to yourself. Not to the one that is disordered, not to your parents. It is not your job to help or even save your sibling. It is not your responsibility to carry some of your parents’ burden. So, a lot of parents will tell kids point blank, When I die, you take care of this person when I die. I want you to have contact with this person. When, when I die, you become me, essentially… incorrect response. You’ve been voted off the island. No, no, you don’t have to; it’s not your job. You’re not the parent. You’re not the parent. Everyone’s an adult now. So, if you’re dealing with an adult sibling, and they’re being a jackwagon, that’s not your job. That’s their job. That, that is their problem. It’s not your job. So, I want to be very clear about that. Okay, um, it’s time for things to change. Finding a therapist who specializes in working with family members of people with a personality disorder, so trauma therapist would be great is a great first start to give yourself the best chance of leading a healthy and fulfilling life. This type of therapist will also be able to guide you in how to appropriately interact with your family members without becoming enmeshed or overburdened. There are many books and support groups, both online and in person, that can help you with the common challenges of boundary setting and codependency and healing your own trauma.
So, when you are dealing with a sibling, okay, who is disordered, who is aggressive, who is inappropriate, I want you to be very aware, they will never take responsibility for their own words or actions. They just don’t, and we know this. I’ve told you guys this for years now. It’s like, they don’t take responsibility for themselves at all. So, remember, with a narcissist, they can be over, you know, just, you know, look at me, look at me, look at me, I’m great. Fabulous. Tell me how fabulous I am. They can also be covert victim, victim, everything happens to me and it’s always somebody else’s fault.
They can be communal, God told me to abuse you, basically, is what they’re saying. So, you and they’ll flip between whatever they think is going to work. So, when you have a sibling who is absolutely abdicating personal responsibility, will not take personal responsibility for their words, their actions, whatever. Do not be surprised if they suddenly reach out to you after not talking to them for God knows how long, and they start blaming you for everything that’s going wrong in their life. So, like, You’re the reason I’m an alcoholic. You’re the reason I don’t have a job. You’re the reason I don’t know. Wow, who, really? Wow, interesting. You’re giving me that much power, huh? What’s up with that dude or dudette? That’s what they do because they cannot take personal responsibility. The next thing that the abuser will do is when they’re not getting what they want if you don’t take the bait if you don’t fight with them. Okay, because remember, that’s what they want. That’s their cocaine. That is their narcissistic supply. They want an argument. And the thing of it is that the little kid inside of you is going to pop up when they start blaming you for their life. Whatever that blame is, right? The little kid inside of you is going to pop up and go. But, but, but….and want to help them understand you did not do what they are accusing you of doing. Do not do that.
I posted something on my Facebook page about how narcissists and abusers are insincere. And they are dedicated to misunderstanding you. They are dedicated to replaying their own abuse with their parent out on you. Don’t you be a whipping post for any of them. Okay, it’s not your job. If they’ve got a problem with the original parent, they probably should be in therapy and working on it so that they’re not hurting themselves and hurting other people or trying to. So, when a narcissist gets collapsed, they don’t get their supply. They’re not getting what they want. They lash out at anybody, literally, and everybody, literally. And when that doesn’t get them the argument that they’re looking for, they will then start smearing you to other family members. And they will lie. And they will say whatever they need to in order to isolate you because they’re angry, and they want you to hurt as much as they do. So, here’s the deal, you, if other siblings are going to side with the abuser, again, take a deep breath. This is the Freudian siding with the aggressor. So, it’s the little kid inside trying to stay safe, and trying to be loved, and trying and keep family members together, that they are siding with the aggressor. And when a sibling does that, you let them go with love.
If they’re not willing to come to you and say, Hey, so and so has said this about you. And I’m angry. Can we talk? No, because then what the aggressor was waiting for is for you to address it with that sibling so that that sibling can then run back to that aggressor. And then they get all narcissistic supply, and then they lash out again. So don’t play. The best way to win is to not play if somebody sends you a nasty gram out of the blue and you haven’t heard from them in years. Don’t play. It’s not about you. The nastiness that’s in that email is never about the person it’s being sent to. So again, you, you, guns, there’s two pointed out, but boy howdy, there’s six pointed right back at the person who sent the nasty gram. So, it’s really; it’s about them.
So okay, hold on, there are some other articles I wanted to, or is this the end of that one. Okay, it’s time for things to change, okay, finding a therapist paying attention to you. While it may seem counterintuitive, and it takes support, putting your focus on yourself and your own well-being will ultimately result in a healthier dynamic for you and your entire family. You are not alone, talk to other siblings at moving forward support and education groups. This is a post from someone there. My sister Sarah felt such deep hurt, anguish, and trauma that created emotional glass shards that I spent most of my childhood tiptoeing around them. Even though I was younger, my mother taught me to appease Sarah and keep her happy. Hmm, how many of us had to deal with that, which is like keeping a volcano from erupting. So many nights of little sleep, chaos, and being called awful names, I questioned my sense of reality. I was always on edge, trying to keep the peace. This had profoundly affected how I connect with others today. I was always committed to relating with Sarah to help to show her how much I loved her. But lately, my emotional and physical safety has been threatened. My sense of self was completely torn down, my struggles and vulnerabilities were used against me. I was hit, and some possessions were broken. I had to make the hardest decision of my life to cut contact.
So that’s the thing guys, if even if a sibling is the aggressor or the abuser, if they are calling you names, blaming you for stuff you didn’t do, the best thing you can do is go or stay no contact. And if other family members side with them, okay. You know, they’ve got their childhood reasons for doing it. Send them love, wish them well. Don’t have anything to do with them. Really? Basically, you know? So um, okay, here’s some other articles, and then I will get to the questions.
All right, how to deal with a narcissistic family member. Avoid direct confrontation. I cannot say this enough. Because those with NPD are extremely sensitive to criticism. Calling a true narcissist. a narcissist typically backfires. I can’t tell you the number of times I tell people don’t effing do that. What do they do? They do it, and they’re like, Oh, my God, they blew up. And I’m like, Yes, that’s what they’re going to do. I told you that. So, it worsens the situation, regardless of any good intent behind the criticism or how constructive it is. Those with narcissistic personality disorder cannot will not ever reflect on their own behavior enough to see any truth behind what you’re saying. Instead, they typically become obsessed with proving that you’re the problem and demanding an apology. So, they’ll flip the script, and suddenly you’re the bad guy. If you feel you have to address the issue, try to be smart about how you have the conversation. Someone with NPD will only be receptive to negative feedback delivered in exceedingly small doses and laden with flattery, which is completely insincere. There’s no point instead of launching into launching right into the discussion with your grievances against them. Offer compliments first. I would recommend against this because you’re being inauthentic. Because there’s really not much to compliment somebody who’s an aggressor and an abuser and is calling people names and accusing them of things they didn’t do. So, I mean, you could do the whole I see your worth as a human being kind of thing, but they’re not going to get it because they don’t see their worth as a human being. That’s the problem. So um, okay, hold on. Um, specifically, try using the compliment sandwich, remember, so start with the good stuff, get to the heart issue. end on a good note. I can guarantee you, though, it’s not going to work. It’s not going to work. It’s really not going to work. You can try but the likelihood of success less than 10%. So just letting you know, all right, don’t accept harmful behaviors, period. For the same reason, it is typically futile to confront a narcissist; it is unwise to argue with one; an argument with a narcissist can also quickly turn into verbal abuse or start off as verbal abuse due to their lack of empathy and interpersonal skills. Someone with narcissistic personality disorder may even be able to manipulate you into believing that you’re the one with the problem by gaslighting you, a specific type of manipulation that involves getting someone to question their own reality because those with NPD are concerned with themselves and tend to see themselves as the hero. They may attempt to blame you for their behaviors. Oh, yeah. They view themselves as victims because they refuse to recognize that they play a part in any problem they have. Continuing to argue with a narcissist will only re affirm their perception, or their pre preconception that you are the one attacking them. Instead, disengage, disengage from the conversation and do whatever you can to remove yourself from the situation. If your toxic narcissistic family member becomes aggressive, abusive, or emotionally manipulative, you must make it clear you will not accept that kind of behavior.
So, if they send you a nasty gram, not answering is an answer. That’s basically saying, No buck stops here, I am not engaging, I am not playing your game, I am not going to engage, you’ve already decided on the bad guy, you’ve already spewed your nastiness, you’ve called me names you’ve done whatever you’re going to do.
Go have a nice life. Bye, you know what I’m saying? Don’t engage its narcissistic supply to them to give them an argument. It is. Okay, um, focus on choices. One key to dealing with a narcissist is first focusing on choices, both yours and theirs. People with narcissistic personality disorder often insist others treat them unfairly. And don’t give them the respect that they due. But they fail to see how their own behavior could impact the way others interact with them. You know, for example, coming at somebody with fangs bared and claws out, yes. And I’m going to give you a real good reception there. You know what I’m saying?
When a narcissistic family member starts talking like this, simply remind them that they have some choices in the situation. For example, remind them they can change how they act or who they choose to be around. Keep in mind that you have choices too, even if you can’t completely eliminate contact. And that is the case; in a lot of cases, and you can’t completely eliminate contact with somebody who has narcissistic personality disorder, you can still take measures to protect yourself and make sure their behavior is less harmful to you. You can choose to limit your time with them or make sure someone else is always around so that you are never alone with them. And that is hugely important. I cannot tell you the number of times I have clients that tell me they go to a family reunion, they go to a funeral, they go to a wedding, they go to a birth, they go to whatever, and the abuser tries to corner them. When they’re alone, they’ll go, they’ll follow him into the bathroom, they’ll, you know, start talking from the next stall, they’ll, you know, crazy, because they want an argument, and they want to be able to say whatever they want to say, and they don’t want witnesses. So, I’m sorry, if you can’t say this in front of the entire family, you probably shouldn’t be saying it. That’s an answer. There you go. And, of course, I am more upfront like that. I’m not going to put up with that crap. I’m not. I’m not. I’m 58 years old. I no longer have to put up with people’s crap. I don’t and you know what, I don’t care how old you guys are, you’re however old you are, you no longer have to put up with people’s crap. That’s the beautiful thing about self-esteem. It’s like boundaries. So Okay, continuing on, and then I will answer questions. Okay.
When restricting your contact with narcissistic family members clearly, communicate your boundaries, make sure they know you will break off contact if certain behaviors persist. So, this is if you still had a conversation with them, and you have been no contact for a while. So, you let them know. It’s like, okay, here’s the deal. You call me names. You get aggressive with me. You accuse me of things I haven’t done, you smear me to other family members, we’re done. So, there’s that.
All right, that technique puts the ball in their court by allowing them to choose whether or not they’re going to comply, they’re not going to comply. Set limits. And this is by the Taylor Counseling Group that just wanted to let you know that that’s Taylor Counseling Group set limits. Unfortunately, those with NPD often do not have a sense of boundaries, they may resort to manipulating others so triangulating communication, so they’re playing a game of operator to meet their needs. Although you cannot control the behaviors of a narcissist, you can control your own family members of a narcissist often become accustomed to being to enabling narcissists to avoid a fight. But you can refuse to participate in this cycle any longer by setting limits on what you will do. You may stop allowing your narcissistic family member to speak to you disrespectfully anymore or quit agreeing with any of their disparaging words that they say about others. So, they will come to other family members and attempt to smear. So, if the other family members are strong enough in their own self-esteem, they’re going to be like, Ah, no, I’m not. I get to have a relationship with whoever in this family. I want to. You’re telling me not to, because of what you’re saying. But you don’t get to tell me what to do. You know, so it’s stopping that triangulation. Oftentimes what I do when somebody tries to triangulate, and I haven’t had to do this in years, thank God. When somebody tries to triangulate, I’ll be like, Great, let’s get them on the phone. Let’s see what they really said. Because I’m a big enough person. But I can handle it. If they’re going to say that to you in private, then they can say it to my face, period. So, triangulation, you know. So, if you’re a family member and another disordered a disordered family member comes to you and starts smearing somebody else, you’ve got to tell them no, I’m not interested. I’m not interested. I’m not playing. I’m not playing your game. Not going to do it. Have a nice life. You know what I’m saying?
Okay, um, be prepared for the possibility that your narcissistic family member does not respect your boundaries. Those with NPD tend to view themselves as the most important person in the world. despite your best efforts to reach a compromise, the only effective solution may be to cut off contact completely. If this is the case, there is no shame in cutting ties for the sake of your own sanity.
Okay, getting any support and professional counseling, so again, they’re saying get with a good trauma therapist. So that’s this is the Taylor Counseling Group. Okay, one more article.
And this one is choosing therapy Five Tips for Dealing with your Narcissistic Sibling. Assert your boundaries. Number one, boundaries are very, very, very important not only to you but the relationship with your siblings’ strong boundaries can preserve a relationship, while weak ones may lead to you having to cut them off. Setting a boundary may look like this when your sibling berates and humiliates you in front of others, walk away. This may be going to another room, leaving in your car for a bit, or going home. Build your self-confidence. After years of gaslighting and abuse, your self-confidence has taken a beating. It can be hard to see yourself as a good person when you have been told otherwise your whole life. Ask people who know you well to help you come up with a list of your positive traits. Start this list and add to it over time. You can do the same for them. Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi excellent way to build your self-confidence. Know your limits, and when to walk away, wins take sometimes taking a break is the healthiest thing you can do. If you have shared responsibilities, care for elderly parents, etc. You do not need to be all things to all people. Your mental health matters. Take care of yourself engaging in self self-care goes beyond bubble baths. Be kind to yourself is a skill that you can work on. And it pays dividends. Start by examining the way you talk to yourself. Is your inner voice a critic? Or is it a cheerleader?
The Mountain is you: Transforming Self-Sabotage into Self-Mastery by Brianna West is a great place to start. There you go. There’s a great book. Speak with a therapist. Okay, when to get professional help for healing from narcissistic siblings. Stress about your siblings is spilling into other areas of your life. You suffer from low self-esteem and self-doubt. Your sibling is having a negative effect on you, your children, your spouse, or others in your life, and you need help setting boundaries. You want to look at your childhood and the ways your sibling impacted your mental health then and now. So there that is.
So basically, disordered siblings are not going to go get help, they’re not going to get better, they’re not going to change. They’re not going to they will blame you for everything that is wrong in their life, whether they don’t have a job, whether their adult children are not speaking to them, whether there, you know, an alcoholic or a drug addict, whether they’re lonely, whether it’s all your fault, it’s all who somebody else’s fault. Remember, you, you, you, you real adults take responsibility for their own words and their own choices. If they’re going to smearing you to other family members and the other family members are siding with the aggressor. Let them go with love. Okay. You know, I can’t. If you’re dedicated to believing that I’m a bad person, I am dedicated to not being around you. That’s really what it is. It’s like its people who are willing. Whether they’re family or not, people who were willing to believe the worst of you without speaking to you do not deserve the best of you. If a sibling comes out you and they send you a nasty gram or a nasty text or a nasty email, or an nasty voicemail, or whatever, you are under no obligation to respond. And in fact, I wouldn’t. If it’s abusive, don’t respond to it. That is a response. No response is a response. So anyway, I hope that answers that. So yeah, you just basically, and if it gets worse, if it gets bad enough, get a restraining order against them, if they continue to harass, if they continue to harm if they try to hurt you in any way, shape, or form. If they try to go after your business, if they try to whatever, get a restraining order. You know, especially if you’ve got the texts and the phone calls and the emails and the voicemails to show that they are harassing. So, there it is. Okay, let’s dive into the questions, shall we? Oh, wait, one last thing!
Can ruptured adult siblings repair the relationship or reconcile? Okay, even the death of one or both parents may do little to change things. Often an adult sibling will take on the role of the parent, that was the hardest to get along with and continue to scapegoat a sibling. Needless to say, money and inheritance may also play a role in continued old storylines. So, they’ll use an inheritance to hit somebody over the head with, you know, whether it’s a sibling or their children or whatever my dad did that, you know, my dad wrote more wills than Howard Hughes, depending on who he was mad at that week, he would write them in, write them out, write them in, write them out, write them in, write them out. Seriously, I’m not kidding you. And he would tell us all do what I want, or I’ll write you out, Cuckoo, Unwillingness to discuss the past. So, they’re unwilling to go get help. They’re unwilling to take responsibility for their own stuff. They insist that talking about the past is a sign of immaturity or weakness. Anyone who goes to therapy is weak. That kind of BS, no, strong people go to therapy. Cowards are the ones who avoid it.
So conflating blaming with holding someone accountable. So, they blame, and they think they’re holding them accountable, but in reality, they’re just abdicating responsibility for their own behavior. Not everyone wants reconciliation. One of the interesting findings was that while some respondents reported sibling estrangement is emotionally painful, others did not and said it had little or no ongoing emotional impact. And usually, those are the people who’ve done their own work. Some wished for reconciliations while others did not, which testified to the variations in how sibling relationships define the self. I personally never heard from an adult child estranged from a parent, and I include myself in that number who would not have grabbed for a magic wand to fix things. If it existed. Everybody’s different. You know, some people really feel the sting of the estrangement. Others kind of know, you know, it’s not their problems, not something they said or did. It’s this is their personal issue that they need to deal with their own therapist. So, and especially if you came from a disordered family, especially if there was abuse, you know, that that’s one of the indicators of sibling dysfunction.
So, okay, now let’s dive into the questions. All right to questions
My almost 30-year-old high-functioning autistic sister is being a flying monkey for my no-contact narc mom. She doesn’t understand how talking to our mom is bad. What do I do? You limit what you tell her. I’m sorry, but you’ve got to limit what you tell her. So, when somebody runs straight back to the abuser, so again, that’s siding with the abuser. That’s a form of parental alienation when it’s in a romantic relationship, right? But in a sibling relationship, if someone is not getting it, and she may not get it because of the autism. But if somebody is running back to the abuser and telling them everything, you limit what you tell them. It’s going to be a relationship that’s very surface. It’s going to be like, Hey, how about them Dodgers? You know, or whoever your favorite baseball team is. Dodgers and Giants are mine/ I have a real hard time with that because I grew up with the Giants. But then I really loved the Dodgers because they were the first team I ever saw. And their stadium was awesome. Oh my god. Anyway, sorry. Totally went off on a tangent. So basically, you limit contact. You just, you limit it to like surface. Not serious, not deep, not anything you don’t want to go back to the abuser if she hasn’t figured it out by now that this is not a healthy thing, then she’s not going to. So, you limit. You limit you keep it surface. You just don’t. You just don’t go deep. You don’t go deep, and you don’t say anything that you do not want to go back to the aggressor.
Okay, um, do narcissistic parents encourage older golden child sibling to abuse the younger ones so that they can turn the golden child into a mini-me version of themselves? Yes, 110%. They absolutely do. So again, if a child of a dysfunctional narcissistic family abusive, if they have not gotten help, again, I cannot say this strongly enough. If they have not gone to therapy, they are going to do one of three things. They’re either going to go crazy because that’s what happens in dysfunctional families. The kid goes crazy. They’re going to become an addict of some sort. Or they’re going to get help and become a champion. Okay? Or they turn into their they turn into their abuser, four things. Sorry, I can’t count. Four things. So, they turn into their abuser because they’re acting out their abuse. And they’re acting it out on other siblings, and they’re acting it out on their own children. And they’re acting it out with friends’ family, who knows, because it’s an inner child thing. They have not worked on the original abuse mom and dad over here. And instead of dealing with mom and dad over here, they decide that they’re going to, you know, what the funny thing of it is, is they usually say things like, I’m never going to act like mom or dad. And then they end up acting exactly like mom or dad because the inner child is the one driving the show. And the inner child is acting out their own abuse, trying to fix it, and it will never be fixed doing that. All you’re doing is creating more karma. All you’re doing is creating more harm in the world. And that’s never going to end well for that person. That’s doing it so.
Okay. So yes, they do, and the narcissistic parents actually enjoy it, because it’s like, oh, they’re going to carry on the abuse for me. Abusive half-sister is a copy of the narcissist, mom. Yes, they do. 110% They absolutely do. So again, if they haven’t gotten help, if you know, if they’re turning into that abusive parent, no contact, no contact, you don’t need to. They’re showing you who they are, be done, be done. You’re worth more, you’re worth more you cannot save them. And I think that is the saddest part. We oftentimes because we love we have a great deal of compassion, and especially if we knew what they went through growing up if we knew that mom or dad was abusive and was abusive to them and abusive to us abusive to everybody. We know that they’ve got issues, we know that they’ve gone through stuff, but if they’re unwilling to work on themselves and instead are spewing vitriol over everybody and blaming innocent people for their screw-ups. Nope, we’re done. I’m not going to participate in idiot compassion. I can have compassion. I can feel sad for them. I can feel empathy for them from a distance. They do not need to be screaming at me, because it’s not my problem. Does that make sense? Okay. Um, all right.
Do narcissistic parents care if a young younger child would die due to the abuse of a narc sibling? It is like the narcs only want the golden child there and couldn’t care less if the scapegoat would die. Narcissists are very odd around death. So, a lot of narcissists are Munchausen by proxy, and they will harm children in order to get attention. So, if a child dies, and they only care about the golden child, and they can have what is it? They can; what is its viable culpability? It’s like they’re able to do it wasn’t my fault, you know, that kind of thing. And then they revel in the attention that they get. Yeah, they don’t care. They don’t care. They don’t care. And yes, they do put all of their attention on to the golden child because the golden child is most like them. And remember, disordered people, whether that’s malignant borderline, whether that’s narcissist, whether that’s histrionic, any of them have very black-and-white thinking. And everyone must think and do the exact same thing that they think. That’s why when they send a nasty email, or a nasty text, or a nasty voicemail, they fully expect you to engage because that’s what they would do. That’s what they would do. And when that doesn’t happen, that’s when the smear campaign starts because they don’t understand why you’re not responding. Well, you must not have gotten it well, I’m going to make sure you get it. I’m going to turn this person against you so that you’re going to fight with me. Have fun with that. That ain’t never going to happen. Have a nice life. You know, that’s what they do. Because they expect everyone to be as vicious and nasty, and conniving as they are. Because they think everybody thinks the way they do, and people who don’t think the way they do are public enemy number one because they can’t relate to them. They can’t understand them. They can’t control them. They can’t manipulate them. So yeah, that’s Yeah, absolutely. Um, all right.
Both of my parents were narcissists. Now, brother and sister are too. I’m the scapegoat, and they hate me. They have divided me from my family. I have to have something wrong with me since I’m from the same family. What is it? No, you’re not. So, here’s the deal. You can have family, several siblings, and one or two will be personality disordered, and the rest will be not personality disordered. And again, if they hate you, and they’ve separated you from the family, and the family is going along with this. Just leave it alone because they are showing you who they are. And no one in the family is backing you up, and no one is standing up for you, and no one is kind, and no one is plausible deniability thanks that’s the word I was looking for my brain sometimes Thank you.
So, they’re showing you who they are. So family is not always blood. Family is not always blood. Go find your own family and that could be friends. Coworkers you know, who become friends, you know, it’s like, you don’t need the blood family if the blood family is painful, and harmful and hurtful. Go make your own with friends seriously, get a good therapist, get a good therapist, healthy, normal people do not look to harm others. They don’t sit there at a computer and think what the nastiest thing is I could say to this person. They don’t. Disorder people do that. So, if they’ve, if they’re hateful to you, let them go. If the rest of the family is not sticking up for you, let them go. Let them go. They’re not real family. Real family loves.
Real family loves. Love is the highest power. And I’ve seen a lot of these narcissists profess to be Christians, and yet they spew the most nasty, hateful, controlling, manipulative things I have ever heard. So, remember, communal Narcissts, they do that. They hide behind Jesus’s or Buddha’s robes and profess to know everything about you. I know you better than you know yourself. No, no, they don’t. You know you better than anybody, period, exclamation point, and, and they’ll even put down their own children. You Oh, well, you know, they’re easily led, they’re easily gullible. They’ll believe anybody, even though the kids are in their 40s. It’s like, wow, do you understand you’re insulting yourself? Because clearly, you didn’t do a good job of raising if that’s what you really think. You know what I’m saying? It’s like, wow, they’re just their logic is not there. They’re not logical. It’s why you don’t argue with them. That’s why you don’t respond. That’s why you don’t bother.
So um, so for you, I would definitely get with a good trauma therapist. Get with a good trauma therapist work on self-esteem Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. Stop walking on eggshells by Randy Krieger. C-PTSD from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. The Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker. So those are the ones that I would work on. Do the positive affirmations mirror work. Hi, good to see you. Have a great day. You know what, I’m your parent now. You the person on your parent now. I love you, and you are worthy of love. And then walk out. So, mirror work is hugely important when you’re re-parenting yourself from a dysfunctional family where they’re siblings that are still trying to continue to punish you or make you their scapegoat. You love yourself you work on you. You know who you are, rock solid like sun comes up in the East sets in the west. And don’t let any of these Jack wagons throw you off track. They’re going to try. Don’t let them. Don’t let them. Know who you are. You know you better than they do. Guaran-freakin-tee it. But they’ll lie to you and say, I know you better than you do. And bla bla bla bla and no they don’t! No they don’t! And anybody who tells you they know you better than you do. Run. Do not walk to the nearest exit. Okay.
All right, my loves we are done for today and I cannot remember what I’m talking about next week. But you guys go have a great week, and it’s going to be gorgeous here in the Valley of the Sun. It’s supposed to be in the 80s, although it’s supposed to rain, I think, on Wednesday. So anyway, that’s it. All right, you guys, be good to yourselves, super good to yourselves. And especially if you’re dealing with a disordered sibling. You don’t have to have contact with them. You get to decide the level of contact and if they’re abusive, don’t you put up with it! You don’t deserve that. Nobody does. All right, my love’s, I will talk to you later. Bye
Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.
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