Kris Godinez 00:02
Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.
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Okay, yeah, imposter syndrome. Let’s talk about that. So, um, imposter syndrome, where does it come from? First of all, let’s define what imposter syndrome kind of is. So, imposter syndrome is when you sit there and go, Oh, I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m a fraud, they’re going to find me out. I’m going to, I’m going to be exposed for not knowing what I know, you know, etc, etc, etc. It’s like you don’t trust yourself. It’s like self-doubt on steroids. On crack. On meth. Yeah, like all three, you know, it’s really bad. It’s, it’s bad. So it’s that sense of not trusting yourself thinking that other people know better or more or are what’s the word I’m looking for… more better, they’re more better than you are. Oh, God, the grammar just left. So they’re, they’re better. They’re, they’re smarter, they’re, they’re this, they’re that and you don’t trust your own knowledge and your own ability and your own way of being, etc, etc, etc. Now. So where does this come from? Well, no surprise to those of us who lived with abusers. Let’s start with the family of origin.
Kris Godinez 02:15
Family of Origin, it always goes back to the family of origin. If it’s not the family of origin, then it is the romantic relationship. If it’s not the romantic relationship, it’s toxic friends, if it’s not toxic friends, it’s the bully bosses. Holy cat, we’re gonna cover all of it. Okay. All right. So family of origin. So family of origin, if we had a family that put us into competition with everybody, so they would judge us against siblings, they would judge us against our peers, they would judge us against… fill in the blank. And we always came up lacking. What a surprise because that’s what abusive families do hang on a second. Family of Origin always in competition, always in competition, always comparing, always comparing, always comparing, that sets up imposter syndrome. Because if you’ve got parents alleged, if not proven, in name only that are saying things like you know, oh, well, you know, (pat, pat, pat) you did okay, but Billy did better. Or why can’t you be more like your big brother? Or your big sister? Oh, God, I hate it. When I hear parents do that you know what I’m saying? So that sets up that doubt in the kid because now the converse, the flip side of that is you also don’t want to have parents that do the whole Oh, my little chi, chi, you are perfect. You never make a mistake. You are great in everything. You are the best at everything. No, because that also sets up imposter syndrome. So balance, guys, healthy parents have got balance, and they’re able to tell their kids when they do good. And they’re also able to tell their kids when they need to improve, but it’s not. What’s the word I’m looking for. So bad parenting, abusive parenting is that nasty. Comparing hypercritical. I think we touched on this last week, the inability to give constructive criticism, their criticism is always personal and it is always left wanting we are always wanting, we are always less than we are always not good enough. We are always…do you see where I’m going without so that comes from the family of origin. So the family of origin is very important in the kids developmental stages. So remember between zero and two is hugely important, which is why when there was all the adoptions going on from Romania back in the 80s, something like that there were so many children with attachment disorders because they were shoved into cribs and ignored from zero to two, zero to four, zero to 10. Yeah, so those developmental years are extremely important. The entire developmental years are extremely important. So if you have a family that is constantly comparing, constantly criticizing constantly putting down, and constantly gaslighting constantly lying to you. So for example, every family does what we do, every family does this, you don’t see the pink elephant in the corner of the living room, there is no pink elephant. And if you see the pink elephant, I’m going to beat it out of you. How many of us went through that? Oh, raise your hand. You know what I’m saying? So we all did, or most of us did, or a lot of us did. Anyway, the point being is, is that that imposter syndrome comes from constantly having the rug ripped out from underneath you by the family of origin originally, okay? So the line the gaslighting the rewriting history and telling you that you you know that this is normal that beating children is normal that screaming at Kids is normal that you know having affairs as normal that you know, you need to cover up for mom and dad is normal that you know that stuff that rips reality out from underneath you and that creates imposter syndrome. The other thing that these are Jack wagons, I really wish I could swear you have no idea. The other thing that these Jack wagons do is that they, they take credit. So you do something, you do something amazing, you write a fantastic, you know thesis or you do well in your career, or you do some sort of acting gig or a singing gig or whatever. And guess who takes credit for it? They never give it to the person who’s actually doing it. They take the credit for oh I, I, I, I, taught them,
Kris Godinez 06:28
I did this, I did that, you know, and it’s never Yeah, my kids did great, I’m really proud of them. It’s never that they always take credit for it. So it’s kind of like you do all the hard work. And I think you can see where I’m going with this when we get into co-workers and bosses that you do all the hard work, and they take the credit for it. And you never get the accolades or the validation, validation, that you need, and kids need validation, kids need accurate reflections back of who they are. And when you have a parental unit or two, that is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. It’s a funhouse mirror. It’s not an accurate reflection of who you are. And so you don’t know who you are, and you don’t trust that you know what you know. So there’s the foundation for it.
Now, let’s move into a romantic relationship with one of these people. So these abusers cannot stand it when anybody shines, or anybody outshines them, or anybody does something that they haven’t done, or, or, you know, whatever. So they’ll do one or two things, they’ll either start mocking and making fun of what you’re doing, to cause you to give it up, because I’ve seen that happen too. Or they will try to take it over and outdo you. So say, for example, you like to paint, they’ll suddenly decide that they’re the painter in the family and that they need to go do you know, a show at a coffee house or whatever, or, you know, or whatever, they’ll take it over. So you’re a writer, they suddenly you’re the writer, you’re an actor, they’re suddenly the actor or the director, you know, it’s like, I’ll do you one better, and I’ll become a director, what I really want to do is direct…. I never understood that. Anyway, the point being, herding actors is like herding cats. Um, so anyway, the point being is they try to outdo you, they try to outdo, they try to one-up you. And they try to devalue you and tell you that you’re not good enough and that they’re way better. I’ve seen them do that, as well. That happens with parents, even happens with romantic partners. So with a an abusive, romantic partner, if you’re out doing them, they’ve got to cut you down to size in their crazy heads. So they will devalue discard, you know, criticize, criticize, criticize, nasty, vicious, oh, well, you know, it’s not as good as so and so, you know, it’s similar to the parental stuff that I was talking about. Now, it’s worse because, you know, this is a romantic relationship. And this person should be your partner. Huge support, they need to be supportive. They do, you know, they can be honest and be like, let me just give you some constructive criticism. That’s helpful. That’s great. But if they’re doing the whole, you know, personal attacks, and just criticizing for the sake of criticizing, lying, gaslighting, history rewriting, you know, etc, etc, etc, putting you down all the time, no support not showing up to your shows not showing up to your stuff that you’re doing not being supportive… huge red flag. Oh, my God, huge, huge red flag. So, imposter syndrome comes from the drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip of the criticism, the comparing the competition, the lying the gaslighting, the, the erasing history, the rewriting history, all of that starts creating imposter syndrome. And then we start feeling like we don’t know what we’re talking about, or that we don’t really know what we’re doing, or that we should give credit to somebody else or whatever fill in the blank. So imposter syndrome is that is the inner critic.
Kris Godinez 10:18
Long story short, it’s the inner critic, it really truly is. But it’s, it’s, it’s another facet of the inner critic. It’s, it’s like, it’s, what’s the word I’m looking for? It is the subtour. It is the seven tour and it pops up. Mostly, when you’re doing something outside of the comfort zone of the family of origin or outside of the comfort zone of the abuser, or outside of the comfort zone of what you’ve been told you can and cannot do. So let’s be very clear about that.
So let’s say that your family has said, Oh, no, you can’t become a doctor because you’re a girl. Or you can’t become a pilot, because you’re a different race, or you’re different. And they do, they will try to put you down no matter how they can. Okay, so that’s usually the using the race and the and the sex is usually from romantic partners, they will do that they will use anything they can to keep you down, they will. And so they’ll say, oh, you can’t do that. Because you’re this race, or you’re this sex or you’re this old. You know, you can’t do that. Because you’re too old. You can’t do this because da, da, da, da, da. So basically what you need to do to anybody who tells you, you can’t do something because you’re a different race or your age, or you’re a woman or you’re a man, they sometimes use that with men that want to go into traditionally female careers, which just blows my mind. I’m just like, Ah, hello. Welcome to the 2020s here, guys, what the frick? So they do that. And they try to put you into neat little boxes. And when you step out of those boxes, they come unfreaking hinged because you’re not playing their game. You’re not believing their bs, and it’s not really boundaries, it’s boxes, they want to put you into a neat little box.
So let me give you a personal example. And I’ve talked about this before, my dad was so ageist So sexist, so racist, so everything he was just a nightmare. And he would constantly tell me, I was a cute one, not the smart one, and that I was too dumb, basically, to go to college, which did he sabotage it he tried, he tried to keep me from graduating, I graduated. You know, when I got my master’s degree, I told no one in my family except for my sisters because I was like, don’t trust any of you mother cluckers. Got my master’s degree opened my own business the whole thing. The whole time. I was doing that. I was working with a therapist. Why? Imposter syndrome! Thanks, Dad. Yeah, anyway. Yeah, because he gave me this whole list of Don’t you dare Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare be smart. Don’t you dare be successful. Don’t you dare do this. Don’t you dare do that. Don’t you dare Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare. And that’s what abusers do is they want to put us in this nice little box that we can never escape from and that we believe their BS, basically. So when I wrote my first book, okay, which was What’s wrong with your dad? First of all, I broke so many rules, family rules, you know, don’t air the dirty laundry. Don’t tell anybody. Don’t you know, every family acts like the Oh, yeah. Watch this. Click, click, click, click like, you know, so when I first wrote that book, I remember telling Jack Hayworth, who’s a friend of mine, he’s awesome. And I told him, I said, Dude, I hope it fails. He said What? I said, I’m okay with failure. I know what failure looks like, I know how to cope with that. I’m not so sure I know how to cope with success. And I was terrified and when it did well, and when I did the show, and when things started going, I was like, you know, panic attack because it was like, oh my god, I’m going against all of the what’s the word I’m looking for? All of the lies all of the boxes, all of the BS that my abuser shoved into my head which was your female you can’t be successful. You’re too old. You’re too stupid. You’re too this you’re too that… da, da, da, da, da. And I went against all of it. And no, and I published and then I published another one and then I published it other one and now I’m publishing a fourth one here soon.
Yeah, so basically when you go up against that, that basic assumption, that’s the word I was looking for. The basic assumption so the basic assumption is generally unhealthy. The basic assumption that we get from abusers is you’re not good enough. You’re gonna fail. It’s not okay. How dare you How dare you be seen! How dare you be heard! And most importantly… How dare you be believed! Holy crap! Do you see where I’m going with that? So, you go up against all of those basic assumptions that got shoved into our heads and you start busting out of that box… You betcha that inner critic is going to go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, and it’s going to be like, Oh my God, how dare you, you can’t do that. You can’t do that you need to stop blah, blah, blah, it’s gonna be terrible. You’re fake. You’re a fraud. You’re this You’re that bla bla bla bla, thank you for your input. Shut the bleep up. Why? Because I say so. Thanks for playing, go pound sand by, you know what I’m saying. So that is essentially what is happening is that inner critic just blows up because we are coming out of those basic assumptions that we got from our abusive family or our abusive, romantic partner, or we get into an office worker situation, and somebody’s always taking credit for what we do. Funny. Been there, done that, yeah, or we get a boss that’s a bully. How many of us have had bosses that were bullies? Oh my sweet baby Jesus? Yes. So we have all of that stuff, reinforcing all of that negative stuff from the family of origin. And that’s where we get that imposter syndrome. Oh, my God, I’m not good enough. Oh, my God, I’m a fake. Oh, my God, I’m a fraud. Oh, my God, I’d rather fail. Oh, my God, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. Yes.
So basically, it boils down to self-esteem. No surprise, self-esteem, it is self-esteem and working on the mistaken thoughts and the mistaken beliefs that we got from our abuser because if their lips were moving, they were lying. And they still are. And they will be until the day that they are put six feet underground and probably beyond. So there you go, you know what I’m saying. So the basic assumption is a bunch of lies, that got shoved in your head, about who you are, how we are, where we are, what we can talk about, what we can’t talk about, how we can be, how can we not be, etc, etc, etc. So it is working on again, the trauma from having been either raised in a family of origin that was just completely abusive, verbally, physically, mentally, emotionally, religiously, or whatever, or going into an abusive relationship where they did the same thing or similar, or they do that and you haven’t had that happen before. And now that completely messed your world up and put an egg beater in your head and screwed everything up, up there.
So or you get into a boss situation that’s abusive, that’s taking credit for everything that you do, or coworkers when it’s a bully situation, or whatever, and that reinforces whatever else is going on. Basically, it boils down to self-esteem.
So I pulled up a whole bunch of scholarly articles and other articles from Psychology Today. So quickly, I want to go over those. So this one is by… let me find, okay, this is called a new way to address imposter syndrome. It starts with integration of immunity change and schema therapy. So this one is advocating schema therapy, which I think is great. This was written on January 26, 2022, by Sebastian Selaku. So he talks about okay, the solution. Immunity to Change is learning is a learning process developed by the Harvard University Graduate School of Education faculty, Robert Keegan, and Lisa Lahey, informed by 30 years of research on adult development, so Immunity to Change that is the name of the modality. So it’s basically teaching you how to be able to change, grow, adapt, etc. Um, it’s designed to protect individuals from the negative consequences of personal change. And this think about it… shame. They love to shove shame into our head. Disappointment, they love to make us feel like disappointment is somehow bad, wrong, or whatever. Yeah, you’re going to be disappointed things are not always going to go your way. If I quit at my first disappointment, I would not be here. What I basically did is oh, crap, that didn’t work. Okay, well, what can I do differently, right? Oh, okay, dust myself off, get back up on the horse. Keep riding. You know what I’m saying? So, yeah, so narcissists, parents and narcissistic partners, narcissistic bosses. They all try to shove perfectionism and neuroses into our heads. So we oftentimes suffer from No, it can’t change. No, it has to be this way. No, it has to be this way. And so we get very stuck in this very rigid way of thinking now think about it. abusers are rigid thinking splitting, black, white, good, bad, all nothing. Okay. So they don’t have that fluidity to kind of roll with the punches or roll with whatever changes. So that teaches us as kids to be very rigid, and no, no, don’t like change. Oh, my God. Oh, well, you know, here’s the There’s two constants in life change and taxes. You don’t have to like either one of them, but they’re gonna happen. So you know, it’s it’s you got to get that ability to have flexibility. And to stop with the perfection. The analysis paralysis keeps some of the most brilliant minds from moving forward. And and I think it’s on purpose, you know, when a kid is super intelligent, and they’re really good at something, and then the parent starts doing not good enough, not good enough has to be perfect has to be perfect, has to be perfect. That kid then gets stuck in Oh, no, I can’t release it, because I can’t turn it loose. Because, you know, it has to be perfect. And so then they never do anything because they’re stuck in that analysis paralysis. And I think it’s intentional. I do because the abuser does not want you to succeed. There we go. So yeah, so schema therapy is a great way to deal with that the immunity to change. You know, it’s that’s something to really think about.
Kris Godinez 21:01
In short, the new approach works because it uncovers the processing of information that escapes mental consciousness, so that schema therapy, fully unpacks and deconstructs and disables the immune system that maintains your imposter syndrome by unlocking your unique life trap combination codes. So that’s the immunity to change. So that is something to look into.
The other thing I wanted to talk about too, is EMDR. So that was Bessel. Vander Kolk, was a huge proponent of EMDR. He was like, this is a great modality for trauma, I strongly recommend it now some people love it. Some people hate it, some people works with, some people, it doesn’t. Again, you’re going to have to kind of explore and figure out what works for you. I recommend doing EMDR in combination with talk therapy of some sort DBT CBT something because EMDR is great, but then there are some things that you do need to process. cerebrally. So yeah. Okay, so that was on psychology today.
This one also is on psychology today. This is Do you sometimes feel like a fraud and this is by F Diane Barth licensed social worker. Okay, and here’s what I loved and she’s like, here’s how to cope with it recognize that you are not alone. This affects men and women, not just women it was it’s affects men as well especially if they got the whole you know, not good enough not good enough, not good enough. Pay attention to your actual successes.
So you know how I always say write down what they did to us so you can remember so that when they do the the hoovering that you’re not like oh rose-colored glasses primrose path to hell, let’s go drop down there. No, no, you do the writing down of that so you can remember so that you don’t take that path now. With imposter syndrome. You write down all your successes to remind yourself yeah, I did this, I did this, I did. This is just like when I talk about the self-esteem work. So the mirror work so at night, so in the Okay, sorry, back up! Alright. And in the morning, I always say, create yourself, you know, hi, good to see you have a great day, I give you permission to draw boundaries and then walk out, right. But then at night, I strongly recommend that you also end the day you do like bookends, you end the day by reminding yourself of three things you did right that day. Why? Because our abusers never remind us of what we did. Right? They love, love to just take our nose and rub our nose in everything we did wrong, real or imagined. Mostly imagined. So it’s really important for you to reparent yourself and remind yourself three things you did right every day every damn day. Make it a habit. So in the morning, you’re setting the intention in the evening you’re putting that nice little bookend Hey Good to see you again. Here are three things you did right today you did this right, you did this right, you did this right go sleep well. Have a wonderful night’s sleep dream happy wonderful dreams travel, travel on the astral have fun, and then go to bed. Okay, you’re setting the intention for sleeping because a lot of us have got sleep problems raise your hand if you have sleep problems. Yep. So yeah, we all do um, especially coming out of an abusive relationship or when something traumatic happens in the world like oh, I don’t know you know possible world war three. So do you see where I’m going with that? So you set the intention for the night you know I did this right, I did this right, I did this right. It’s great to see me I love you sleep well. How happy dreams let the world go have happy dreams and then go to bed.
Kris Godinez 24:50
So does that make sense? So yeah, so this is why it’s important to do that bookend of what did you do right? Remind yourself what you did wrong. A good parent, always tell kids what they did right?
Spending time in Alaska with my nephew and his wife and the two kids was phenomenal because Vernon and Megan always do this thing where they go at the dinner table. It’s like, what was the best part of the day? What was the worst part of the day? What would you like to do again? You know, what are you proud of yourself for? You know, it’s a great thing that everybody you know, they go around the table, everybody says something, everybody answers the question. It’s really wonderful. And that’s what good parents do. Bad parents don’t care, bad parents are too busy. Go away kid, I’m too busy. I you know, and then, or, Oh, you’re such a bad kid. Bla, bla, bla. You know, it’s like what, you know, how you speak to your children becomes their inner dialogue seriously. So yeah, anyway, okay.
So, back to, okay. Okay. Pay attention to your actual successes, write them down, say them out loud. Ask for help. So, a trauma response is not asking for help, because we have learned early on. You know, I remember clearly walking up to my dad and saying, Dad, I have a problem. And he looked at me he was so angry. Because he was angry all the time. He was an alcoholic and an opiate addict. He looked at me and he was like, I have my own problems kid go away. So Oh, okay. Thanks, dad. Now I know I cannot rely on you, you jackwagon Do you see where I’m going with that? So we learn quickly not to ask for help, because we know none is coming. So it’s kind of like, oh, okay, pulling up my own bootstraps, and I’ll figure it out myself. Thanks. When I say thanks. What I mean is go pound sand. So you know what I’m saying? So we learn quickly not to ask for help. But but healthy, healthy, healthy adults. will say yes, let’s get you some help. Yes. Let’s figure this out. Yes, let’s, okay, what is your problem? What do you need? What? How can I help you? You know, not not the codependent kind of thing. But like a healthy parent would have said, Oh, my gosh, on what’s going on, you know, and at least have been curious. He wasn’t even curious. He didn’t care. It wasn’t about him. You know what I’m saying? So you, we learn not to ask for help. So that’s a trauma response. So it’s really important when you are suffering when you are having imposter syndrome. Go get help. And that’s what I did. You know, you go get your own therapist, you go get, you know, a sounding board, you go work on self-esteem because all comes from lack of self-esteem. It really truly does. Okay, hold on, how are we doing? Ah, I’m going over sorry, I will get to the questions, asked for help.
Okay, um, check out your goals? Are they realistic? What do you want to achieve? Are you trying to impress someone in your family? Never a good idea. Because especially if they’re disordered, it’s never going to happen? Do you have a mentor that you’re afraid of letting down work on these issues? You know, it’s not about the other people it is about you? Did you set some goals for yourself when you were younger, that you’re trying to attain to take some time to revisit these goals? What would it mean, if your dad wasn’t impressed with that? With what you would accomplish? How disappointed would that mentor be? And what if you don’t meet a goal you established when you were younger and maybe more naive? Will you not be a good person? Yeah, because we often get that well, if you don’t do this, you’re not a good person. You’re not good enough, bla bla bla, will you not be happy? And so remember, the reason our abusers do these impossible goals and these impossible comparisons, is because they’re not happy and God forbid we should be. Nothing pisses off an abuser more than to see somebody who is genuinely happy and having a good time and enjoying themselves. How dare they, you know, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had narcissists. Literally yell at me because my laugh was too loud. Or you know, I’m sure inappropriate your da, da, da, da, da. It’s like really because the world is kind of absurd right now. I’d rather laugh than cry. Thank you have a nice day, go pound sand, do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, abusers hate laughter runs from laughter. Devil runs from laughter, so, anyway, um, so okay. So there is that okay, um, okay.
So, this is also from Psychology Today, this is Mark traverse PhD, this is how to overcome imposter syndrome.
Kris Godinez 29:12
So the tendency to doubt one’s abilities and be afraid of failure, even when failure would could be professionally enriching. So I think what I’m going to suggest for overcoming the imposter syndrome is to get with a good trauma therapist. Number one, find a good trauma therapist. Start working on self-esteem. Start doing the mirror work daily, morning and evening, morning and evening, morning and evening. Do it daily. Start writing down your successes and start calling out, start challenging the BS messages you got from mom, dad, grandparents, teachers, whoever tried to make you feel that you were not good enough. That was intentional on their part. It totally was. So writing down all the good stuff.
Um, oh, that was another thing. Procrastination. So we tend to procrastinate when we have imposter syndrome because we’re afraid it’s all fear-based. Procrastination is a form of power and control because nobody can make us do it. You know, like, I’ll do it when I want to. I do what I want, you know, that kind of thing. So procrastination is a form of self-sabotage. So really take a look at how much do you procrastinate and why. What’s going on? What are you trying to avoid? What are you afraid of what’s happening, get with a good trauma therapist and start working through all of these little self-sabotaging kind of things. Okay, so there’s that hang on.
Um, alienation a feeling of loneliness or isolation from oneself. So this is where the self-esteem work. The CPTSD from surviving to thriving, super important. Putting the BS back where it belongs, putting the mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs, all the things that were them, remember, they project. So if they’re losers, they’re going to project that you’re a loser. You’re not, you’re not, they are. So you put it back on them, and you do not accept their story. Because they’re trying to make their story, your story. So you write and burn those letters. You get rid of the stuff that’s not real or true to your dad. Guess what? I own my own business. I have this YouTube channel I’ve written I’m writing the fourth book. Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep you you did evil, go pound sand, have a nice afterlife, whatever, and then trot it out to the barbecue and burn it. To have some humor about it. Not everything is super serious guys, you can have humor about this. You can and anybody who tells you you can’t is probably disordered. All right, so let’s see. Um, all right. Okay, so there was that one? Let me get rid of that.
Okay, family dynamics, obviously is a cause of it. Comparison is a huge cause of it. They talk about parents comparing, and all of that stuff. Okay. And then there is on brill, Brill.com, dealing with imposter syndrome. This is by Judy Robertson, and she talks about do you feel like a fraud? And then she talks about the high pressure of academia, you know, did the parents put this ridiculous amount of pressure on the kids to be perfect, or, you know, make them look good, or whatever, and then that translates into the work environment. So that one specifically is about the work environment, she offers some really good suggestions with that. Okay, sorry, I’ve gone way over, but I thought this was a really interesting topic. Okay, let’s get to the questions. Okay.
What to do if imposter syndrome comes up in a high-pressure moment, and usually does so, to be clear, imposter syndrome usually doesn’t poke its head up until it’s a high-pressure moment, you know, like, you’re going to be on the spot you’re going to be performing, you’re going to be presenting, you’re going to be you know, whatever. For instance, during a presentation, you start hearing the critical voice. So what you’re going to do, you’re going to take a moment, you’re going to take a moment, you’re going to have a glass of water or something next to you, just like I talked about in court, right? So if you have to give testimony, you have the water and when you take that sip of water, you’re going to say I know what I’m doing. Thank you, go pound sand! I know what I’m doing. And you just do that to yourself. You just you don’t say it out loud, obviously because microphone, but um, you just take that sip of water and you I know what I’m doing. It’s okay, thank you, critic. Go pound sand, you know, and then start your presentation. So yeah, especially if you hadn’t really worked on the the family of origin stuff if you haven’t worked on the trauma if you’re not aware of the game playing the inner critic does. Yeah, you’re going to be in a high-pressure situation all of a sudden it’s gonna pop up and you’re just going to have to be like, I hear you I see you the thought stopping I hear you I see you not today Satan Have a nice life. Go pound sand buh bye. I’ll deal with you later at home. Buh bye go play in traffic. Goodbye.
Kris Godinez 34:10
Do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, it is gonna pop up. And it usually is in high pressure situations. So I remember when I first started this whole whole, this whole journey, when I was doing the radio show back on a little AM station here in Phoenix. And I was terrified the first time that my co-host couldn’t be there because I was like, What do you mean, I have to do the show by myself. I don’t know what I’m doing. What do you mean, you know, so it was really terrifying. And yes, that inner critic popped up like nobody’s business but I did it, you know, and then I realized, wait a minute, I do know what I’m doing. I don’t necessarily need another person there. Thank you very much. So you know what I’m saying so that it just experience experience brings confidence it does. It also shows you where to work on so if it pops up during present That’s your clue. Oh, I got some more work to do. I got some more self-esteem work to do. I’ve got some more boundaries to do. I’ve got some more CPTSD from surviving to thriving work to do I got to put this back with the abuser. This is not even mine. This fear is not even mine. That’s theirs, you know? So it’s just look at everything as an opportunity to work on yourself. It’s like, what is it showing you? What is it teaching? Why is it popping up now? Oh, isn’t that interesting? You get to be competent, you get to know what you know, who doesn’t want you to know what you know? Hmm, might be time to write them a go-pound sand letter, you know, and work it through with a therapist. Really, really important. Okay.
Um, why would my narc mom want to be in competition with me? It was so bad. She was trying to seduce my boyfriend. Oh, that is so common. Oh, good Lord, it is so common. So narcissists are always in competition with everybody and especially their own children. And yes, they will try to seduce boyfriends they’ll try to seduce girlfriends, they’ll because in their sick and twisted little mind, remember their their emotional development is maybe, maybe on a good day, if the wind is blowing in the right direction that of a two-year-old. Seriously. So they are in competition with everybody. And they view life as a piece of pie. Instead of infinite. You know, it’s like there’s 7 billion people on the face of this planet, y’all got enough love for every single one of them. So maybe not Putin, but that’s another issue. Anyway, the point being is, is that they view life as finite, they view it as Oh, there’s only so much for each person. And if you take that, then you’re you’re taking away from me. That’s literally how they look at things. How old are they? Oh, my God, not very old. And so they view your being with somebody as a threat. And so they’ve got to prove that they are the most handsome, most beautiful, most seductive, most this most, that most whatever. And they have to have that attention. Otherwise, it feels to them. Because they’re crazy. Like it’s taking away from the pie that they’re gonna miss out on that piece of the pie. You know what I’m saying? As opposed to 7 billion people on this planet, you can love them all. Thank you very much. Thanks for playing goodbye. You know what I’m saying? So they can’t understand that. They’re not. They don’t feel the way we feel. Let’s just go back to that. They don’t have empathy. It’s very, it’s a very emotionally immature way of thinking. And it is very black, white, good, bad, all nothing. Okay, splitting. And that’s why they’re in competition because they have to be the best, the smartest, the sexiest, the most seductive the whatever. And they’re terrified of aging, too. Oh, dear God. So yeah. Um, so I hope that answered the question. Yeah, they absolutely do do that. And the best way to deal with a parent that is doing that is to simply not be around them. Or if you feel the need to introduce your boyfriend, girlfriend to your family, you warn them ahead of time. So like with John, bless his heart. We went out to dinner. And this was when I was still drinking, and I got wasted and I told him, everything, like literally everything because I was like, okay, dude, here. Here it is. This is the family you’re marrying into. God bless. Good luck. You might want to wear garlic, you know, I mean, I told him everything. And so he was kind of prepared. When he did meet my family, and my mom was inappropriate. And my dad was telling racially inappropriate jokes. And, you know, it just, I’m sitting there kicking the backseat of my dad’s car, like, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, you know, and I’m just like, do you want me to be an old maid? What are you doing? And John bless his heart? He was like, well, they’re kind of interesting. They’re now you know. Like, oh, you have a sense of humor. Oh, this is good.
Kris Godinez 39:10
So yeah, so basically, you You stay away from the family, if you can, if you feel the need to introduce I seriously advocate for telling the truth. Like, look, my family’s crazy. I don’t recommend getting drunk. That was when I was still drinking, but, you know, tell them the truth. Tell them everything so that they’re not shocked and explain it to them. And if they leave, then they’re not the right person for you, basically. So can you know because it’s kind of like they need to be prepared because if you take a boyfriend or girlfriend home and then mom or dad or both are hitting on them, it’s going to be really awkward and weird, but if they kind of know about it ahead of time, they’re kind of got to be like, Oh, I see this. Okay, got it. All right, cool. Look at the time, gotta go, you know, they’ll help you hopefully get out of it. So, huh? Anyway, There is that.
Um, in regards to write and burning letters because I have a hard time letting go, because that’s what the abuser was dismissive and forgot. Oh, oh, okay. So it’s a fine line. So abuse is not always the verbally always on you kind of thing. Sometimes the abuse is the neglectful dismissive, not paying attention doesn’t care ignoring. Oh, dear God, you know, it’s a thing. So what you want to do with that, I still think writing the letter would be good. But you also have to remember you cannot make them be healthy or normal, you cannot make them. You know, whatever. And sometimes we hang on to those letters are we hang on to the anger in a misguided and very young way of trying to fix them, or change them. And I know for me, that’s what I discovered I was doing with my dad after he died.
So after he died, you know, my therapist was just like, you gotta let him go. You’re keeping angry at him because you’re still trying to fix him. I was like, No, I’m damn it. Looks like she got me. You know? And yeah, it’s true. I was, it’s like, there was that part of me that was like, I’m gonna fix him. I’m gonna fix them. I’m gonna, I’m gonna make him right. I’m gonna make him okay. No, not mothercluckers Dad, I can’t do jack diddly squat. It’s up to the higher powers now, you know.
So you just kind of got to let that stuff go. Because it says nothing about you. Nothing. If they were dismissive. If they neglected it, they ignored if they didn’t validate they’re cuckoo, they are the problem, not us, not you, you’re not the problem. They are because they are the ones that did the whole, neglecting, ignoring, not validating, etc, etc, etc. They’re the problem. That’s not normal. That’s a normal, healthy parent, a normal healthy parent is involved and talking and with you, which is why I want you to do the mirror work morning and night because you’re re-parenting yourself the way you wished you’d always been spoken to validate, validate, validate, love yourself, love yourself, talk to yourself. Hi, good to see you have a great day. You know what? I give you permission to be heard. I give you permission to be seen. I give you permission to be validated and then walk out because that’s what you’re looking for. So become your own parent. I know. And it’s not fair, is it? It really isn’t. It is not fair. But you know, it is the way it is. We got the cards we got dealt with. Let’s make the best of it. So the best of it is to reparent ourselves. Do not give your power over to your abuser. Do not hang on to them. Let them go, just let them go. You can’t fix them because you didn’t break them. The only person that can fix them is them and they’re unlikely to do that. So there that is yeah, I totally get it though. It’s the neglect in the in the ignoring you that.
Um, okay, what if there’s praise in the mix alternating with the rest? So I always call that damning with faint praise. damning with faint praise. And that is what abusers do. And my dad was an expert at that. So yeah, they’ll give like this. It sounds like praise. But then there’s this nasty nonconstructive criticism thrown in, which basically say it with me invalidates whatever praise there was because it wasn’t real in the first place because they don’t praise. So yeah, it’s damning with faint praise is what I call it. So when somebody does that, I’m already wiping my hands, I’m like, Oh, damn spot out. I say, oh, yeah, it’s like, nope. Thank you. You’ve shown me who you are. You show me how you really think. Thanks for playing, go pound sand.
Kris Godinez 43:55
Especially with bosses, co-workers, anybody that does that damning with faint praise? No, they show you who they are. Believe them the first time. Absolutely. And yeah, they do that and it’s on purpose absofreakinglutely.
Um, I have memory issues after so many years of abuse, and I’m wondering if it gets better with time? It can Yeah, it does. Usually, um, PTSD. One of the hallmarks of PTSD is not being able to remember key events of the trauma. If there was a lot of trauma. You know, like I said, I get some clients that come in and have very little memories of their childhood. So they’ll say, Well, I can remember till about age 10. And then I’m like, oh, Red Alert, shields up. Something happened. Something happened. Hello. You know, so if there’s not a lot of consistent childhood memories that says to me, a great deal of trauma has occurred. Memory loss as in not remembering things that can be a stress response, Absolutely. If you are concerned about it, though, I strongly suggest going and getting a physical go talk to your medical doctor because not everything is psychological. So you want to rule out the physical stuff, you know, is there. Is there something going on neurologically? Is there something going on physically that needs to be addressed. So you want to rule that out. And then also you want to double whammy, you want to also work with a trauma therapist and see if it improves with working on the trauma. So yeah, so you just want to cover all your bases. That’s a really good way to do it. That’s what I like to do. Because it’s kind of like, oh, yeah, let’s make sure this is not physical. Let’s, let’s rule out this. And then let’s see if it’s if it really is psychological. And it can be because PTSD, obviously, we don’t remember key events from trauma, stress, ongoing stress that will cause you to completely lose your mind. You bet. Absolutely. So, yeah, so check it out. And and double-check that it’s not something physical. Okay. Um, it can get better over time. Yeah. Once you start how to explain this. Once you start working on the trauma, a lot of my clients will start remembering past whatever age they could not remember. And obviously, it’s a lot of trauma. And some of them are freaked out there. Like oh my god, oh my god. Oh my God, I don’t want to remember and I’m like, take a deep breath. It’s all good. This is good. This is good that you remembering because now you can deal with it. And now you’re not being run by it and it’s not the inner child making decisions. It’s the dolt. You’re making decisions. So choose reframe the way you’re thinking about it. It’s okay to feel it’s okay to feel, it’s okay to remember it is Is it scary? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You betcha. Yeah. But necessary, because you want to work through it so that you’re making the decisions adult you not little you. So yeah, absolutely. Okay, hold on. Let me get back to this. Yes, it can get better over time with the proper therapy. And if it’s not a neurological issue,
do narc abusers have inverted posture syndrome, they usually pretend to be better than they are. And their victims tend to believe their own worth is less than it really is. Well, kind of. So abusers, narcissists, in particular, totally overstate their abilities, they have to be the best of the best of the best of everything, and they will lie about it. And of course, they have to put down anybody who’s a threat to them. Like totally put them down, like you know, go for the jugular, say lies, etc, etc, etc, because they’re so threatened by genuine emotions, genuine intelligence, genuine people, genuine whatever. So yeah, they do, they do, do that they overstate their worth and the targets of abuse when you’re in the fog, the fear, the obligation, and the guilt when you’re in that thrall of the abusers. almost hypnotic kind of weirdness that intermittent positive rewards the love bombing, the you know, I love you he the whole thing. When you’re in that Thrall, you believe whatever they say, even though you know it’s not true, because you want it to be true, because you want to believe them. And unfortunately, part and parcel of that is believing what they say about you. So that’s why it’s so important that once you go, no contact with an abuser, you stay no contact, do not go back to them, because you’ll just go fall right back into the fog. I mean, like, immediately, and it’s scary, how quickly it can happen. Especially if you haven’t done the work on yourself, especially if you haven’t been working on self-esteem. Especially if you haven’t been working on boundaries. You get back with that abuser and oh my god, you fall right back into those roles, and you fall right back into that fog, and it’s dangerous. So that’s why I’m saying if you go no contact, you stay no contact no matter what they say. And they will say the prettiest lies. Oh, I’ve changed. It’ll be different this time. It’ll be better. I’m in therapy. Right? No, you’re not. You know what I’m saying? So yeah, you don’t you don’t believe them? Because if their lips are moving, they are lying.
Okay. Um, how can I be the best parents? I can for my three-year-old I struggled with PTSD after leaving my abusive ex. So you work on yourself that you lead by example. Seriously, kids are little sponges and I tell parents this all the time. Kids are sponges, they watch us they look to us for how to respond. So if something really scary is happening, and you’re calm and cool and collected, the kids gonna be calm and cool collected. If you’re running around like a chicken with its head cut off. The kids gonna be freaked out the dig where I’m going with that. So they watch us to how to react they do. So the best way to be the best parent for your kid his work on you. You’ve got PTSD from being in an abusive relationship. Okay, get with a good trauma therapist. If you cannot afford a good trauma therapist start working CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. Do the mirror, work with your kid, make it a fun game. Include them. And then at night when you put them to bed Hey little guy, three things that I love about you, or a little girl or whatever, you know, three things I love about you here, I love this. I love this, I love this talk to them, you encourage them, you let them know you love you. Because you’re gonna be sitting there going, I love you, I love you, I love you to them. And if you’re not loving yourself, they’re, they’re going to the greatest little BS detectors in the world, your kids. So yeah, do you see where I’m going with that. So you work on you, you be a role model, you be the role model for your little one that your parents may or may not have been for you, you know, so you work on you self-esteem, boundaries. CPTSD do the mirror work, your work daily, include them, make sure to tell them what they’re doing right. Make sure you tell them you love them. Make sure you hug them, make sure you comfort them, make sure you let them be kids, I just get so sick of these ebbing nurses that insist that their little, little, little little little ones be many adults and like they’re not cognitively capable of it. Don’t get me started anyway. So let them be kids. Let them be kids recognize that they’ve got a different cognition than we do as adults. And let them be kids and be age-appropriate for whatever you need to tell them and don’t bad mouth, the other parents and you know, be open and honest. So yeah, just be a good role model be a good role model. Okay, let’s see. Is that it? Oh, that’s it. We are done. So anyway, I hope this helped with imposter syndrome. Every single survivor, almost every single survivor of abuse has got it. It’s because of the nonstop lying, gaslighting, rewriting history pulling reality out from underneath us, etc. And the best way to deal with that, give the good trauma therapist start working on self-esteem. Start doing them your work daily morning reading morning, evening. Really do take very good care of yourself. Drink plenty of water, get some exercise, get out in the sunshine, do take good care of yourself. All right, you guys be good. Love you take care of yourselves and I will talk to you soon.
Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Chris godinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.
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