Kris Godinez 00:02
Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.
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Alright, let’s talk about this topic, wills inheritances, aging and powerplays. So, let’s deal with this. Okay, so I did this one a few years ago, I did one on death and the narcissist and of course, YouTube had a fit was like you can’t title it that like oh my god. Anyway, let’s talk about this. Narcissists don’t deal with aging well, let’s just be clear, they do not deal with aging well at all. They don’t deal with death well at all. Not their own, not anybody else’s.
So, I was reading several articles on psychology today about how narcissists interfere with other people grieving because they can’t handle it because it’s not about them, and it forces them to think about their own collapse. So, we’re going to be talking about collapsed narcissists, here. So, let’s start with the aging narcissist. So, what is a collapsed narcissist? A collapsed narcissist is, I’m sorry, I’m just grinning because it’s like Hello, and welcome to karma. So, a collapsed narcissist is when the narcissist finally gets their’s basically. A collapsed narcissist is when they can no longer manipulate control, harm, hurt, influence, etc, etc, etc. They have lost their power. And they know it and they collapse. And it’s, it’s so funny, because some articles are like, Oh, poor them. And I’m like, let me go dance on your grave. Thank you. You know, I mean, it’s like it’s thrilling when you see a collapse narcissist because you know, that they, they can’t hurt anybody anymore. So, a collapse narcissist is somebody who loses their power.
So, this is why narcissists cling to being young, or what’s the word I’m looking for trying to maintain that power, that control that whole thing. So, they will go to extreme lengths to appear young, they will go to extreme lengths to maintain power and control. And this is where the inheritances comes in. Um, but basically, narcissists are terrified of losing their looks, losing their money, because money is everything to them, money is their God, because it’s a means to control people with the inheritance, we’re going to get to that… um, losing their power, losing their ability to intimidate, losing their ability to throw their weight around, etc.
So, a collapsed narcissist is generally a very, very depressed narcissist and one that has lost the ability to harm people. Which personally I’m like, huh, it’s called Karma what comes around, goes around, have a nice life. And I have a nice life. I mean, enjoy not being able to harm anybody. So that’s what a collapsed narcissist is. You will see that as they age as they lose their looks as they lose their money as they lose their power or their influence or whatever, they can’t stand it. They will literally say things like, love me or hate me, just don’t ignore me. Oh, yeah, that’s, that’s totally their mantra. That’s their way of living… love me or hate me, but just don’t ignore me. They would rather have people hate them, ignore them, which is crazy. But it makes sense. Because you see, the more overt narcissists are the ones that will do outrageous things, just to keep their name out there, you know, or just to keep in the family eye or just to you know, whatever. So yeah, when a narcissist collapses, it’s when they start aging, they’re losing their power, they’re losing their money, they’re losing their ability to manipulate, etc, etc, etc.
So let me give you a great example of what I’m talking about. When I worked in LA. I worked for a person who was at one time a musician, okay, total narcissist, who was now doing computer stuff, and this guy was so terrified of aging, so terrified of dying. And we’re going to get to that in a minute too. Um, he had so many plastic surgeries that literally in the morning, he would have to shave the back of his neck because he’d had so many plastic surgeries, you know, facelifts pulling his face back up. They will go to extreme plastic surgeries, they’ll, they’ll do things that you look at people and you’re like, Oh my God, what did you do to yourself? You don’t even look like you anymore. So that’s that desperate need to stay young instead of just going Yeah, I’m old.
Kris Godinez 05:47
It’s gonna happen. So most people can handle aging most people are kind of like, yeah, it’s a part of life. This is the life science, the circle of life, you know, it’s the circle of life. It’s like we are born, we learn stuff, we go through life, we have our adventures, and then we start aging, and then we die. And that’s what it is. But for a narcissist, that is terrifying. Why? Because they have no control over any of it. What they don’t understand is that they have no control over anything. Anyway, really. But this is really this is like an existential crisis for them because they cannot control aging, they cannot control death. And what happens after death? They don’t know. Right? And there’s a part of them, I think, that knows that when they die, they will have to face what they have done in some way, shape or form. It depends on your, your frame of reference. I firmly believe in karma, I firmly believe in reincarnation, and I firmly believe that they have to revisit every rotten thing they ever did, which just makes me giggle. Anyway, so not that I’m vindictive or anything. But in that case, yeah. So um, so they’re terrified of death. So most people are able to kind of accept it and kind of be like, Yep, this is… that’s, that’s part of being human.
Here’s thing, narcissists don’t view themselves as human, they view themselves as one up, better than everyone else. And death is the ultimate leveling of the playing field. The rich and the poor die, the good and the bad die. Everybody dies, you don’t get an out, you’re not immortal, you’re gonna die. It’s gonna happen. We’re all basically magot food, you might as well enjoy the world while it’s here, you know, and but narcissists can’t do that. Narcissus will fight aging, tooth and nail. And when somebody else is grieving, they try to stop them from grieving because it makes them think about their own mortality, which they cannot handle.
So, for example, a death happens, it has nothing to do with them. But this person over here is grieving. They’ll try to stop them because it’s uncomfortable for them. So, this is, this is something that I think needs to be discussed. Because if somebody is interfering with your grieving process, if they’re telling you don’t cry, if they’re telling you don’t mourn the loss of your dog, or your cat or your sibling or your sister or your brother or your family or whatever, if they’re interfering with your grieving process, that is a huge red flag. Ginormous!
Anyway, getting back to the point, so they collapse and they what I mean by collapsing is, is that people stopped taking them seriously, people stop paying attention to them. People stop attending to their every need. So, a collapsed narcissist is one that realizes, finally, that they don’t have any power. Now, how does that manifest? They are vicious. When they collapse they are lashing out left right and center they are angry, angry, angry, angry and with most people as we age we mature right? That does not happen with a narcissist. In fact, with narcissist as they age, they actually regress. And they are all just anger. That’s the only emotion that they access. That is the only emotion that they have. They, they don’t ever contemplate their place in the universe, right? They never kind of go, Hey, maybe I should be nice to people never, never. They never look at what they have done. They never look at how they’ve affected people. They never look at their part in it. They are desperate to blame anybody. And so as they age, they will as they lose power. The scapegoats start shifting because whoever is around them starts shifting because mostly by the time they get into their old old age, people are done with them. People are have had it. They’re like, No, I am not going to sit here and listen to your BS. I’m not going to sit here and let you rage, I’m not going to sit here and be abused, I’m not going to whatever.
The other thing that they do, as they realize they’re losing their power, is they become incredibly needy, like incredibly needy, like, you know, they try to still do that isolation and manipulation, and they try to do it with the family members. So, you have to take care of me; you have to let me live in your house, you have to let me fill in the blank, you know, you have to come here and spend all your time with me at the old age home or whatever. And they do that. And they become incredibly angry when somebody says no, and they’re less able to do the facade, they’re less able to give the facade of the sweet old man or the sweet old lady; it starts really crumbling. And I talked about this multiple times, you go to old age homes, you go to care facilities, they are filled with collapsed narcissists, and they will use other patients as scapegoats because they’ve run out of scapegoats. So, they’ll blame the lady down the hall, which is what happened to my mom. So, there was this nasty, nasty down the hall that was spitting at the caretakers and screaming at them and calling them names and yelling at them and just a horrible human being. And she blamed my mom, because everybody would come to my mom’s room and want to hang out because she would just listen to them talk; she loved it. You know, she was like, Oh, my little socialization, this is great, you know, and so she would, you know, help the younger ones out with relationships and things like that, not that she was a good one to ask her relationships.
Kris Godinez 11:35
It’s like, she made the best of her time there. And she made friends when she was there with the staff, which is the smart thing to do, when you think about it, the collapsed narcissist at the end of the hall was just, hissing and it’s her fault their spending all their time with her. And it’s like, well, they’re spending all their time with my mom, because she’s nice. She was kind, she, you know, listened to people she didn’t spit out, she didn’t yell at them. She didn’t, you know, call them names. She didn’t, you know, degrade them. But narcissists don’t get that. They never connect their behavior to consequences. And the consequences is that they moved her out of that home because nobody liked her. Nobody wanted to work with her. And they decided that she was a threat and moved her into a higher level of care, congratulations, now you’re going to get all the attention you want and probably be strapped down to a bed, you know, it’s, they’re just so not forward thinking they just can’t go if A then B it, it’s like stop being a biotch, you know, but they can’t do that.
So, when they collapse, they lash out. They’re nasty. And, and the reason they’re doing that is because they’re terrified, they no longer hold all the cards, they no longer are able to manipulate and control. You know, if they’re in an old age home, you know, they probably got a guardianship going. So, they don’t have access to the money. They can’t bribe people. If they’re, you know, collapsing, and they’re losing their looks, they can’t use that to get a new supply. So really, it’s all about them getting a new supply. And as they age, it gets harder and harder and harder for them to get a new supply as the different aspects of their manipulation start falling away. So, the looks go, the money goes, the ability to throw your weight around goes and they just, they lose it because they cannot control and it’s, it’s interesting to watch. So aging with a narcissist also brings out their manipulation with the wills. So let’s talk about that.
So, wills are one way inheritance and wills are one way that abusers use to try to maintain, or to try to my friend Brent Bryson says is they try to control from the grave. So, you will see narcissists write these wills, where it’s like, I’m giving you this money, but you can’t spend it on that, or you can’t spend it on this. And any good lawyer will tell you, you can’t you can’t dictate that either they get the money or they don’t. But they try to put all this stuff into the wills going, oh, you can’t have it until you’re eighty years old, or you can’t have it until… you know, whatever. So they use the wills, they use the inheritance as a way to dangle the carrot in front of the faces of whoever is there.
Oh, one other thing I forgot to mention. As they age, they do tend to rely on legal maneuvers more and more and more and more. So, for example, when they realize that nobody’s coming around and nobody’s visiting them, that’s when they’ll try to enforce grandparent rates, like out of the blue. I need. You know, I want to grandparent even though the person that they’re doing the grandparent rights against is married, you know, and has basically said I don’t want my kids around this person. They’ll try it.They’ll try it. Trust me. I’ve had several cases where they do that. So, because the family has realized that they’re you know, the abuser is abusive. They don’t want their kids around it because they had to deal with it. And then that narcissist starts doing illegal stuff. It never turns out well, becauseit’s expensive. And basically, the last case where that happened is that the family was able to get the lawyer’s fees paid for because it was like a frivolous lawsuit. So, um, they do try to control from the grave, and they use the inheritance as a carrot to dangle in front of you. So, prime example, my dad, okay, he wrote more wills than Howard Hughes seriously, it’s like, depending on who was in His graces, of course, he was an attorney. So he could do it himself, who was in His graces, who was out of His graces, he would write people in and out, in and out, in and out, and then he would announce loudly who was out of the will, and who was in the will and who was the golden child? And who was this, and who was that?
So what it boils down to is narcissists use money as manipulation, don’t allow it. I know that sounds weird. I know a lot of people are like, but, but, but it’s owed to me, that’s, that’s one thing I’ve heard, you got to remember, this money is not yours. Not until it actually comes to you through the will. It’s not yours; it’s theirs to do with as they please. And if they’re using it as a manipulation, walk away, walk away, you don’t need it, it’s not worth it. I cannot tell you the number of times my dad tried to use that as a manipulation between me my sisters and my brother. So you know, he would do this. And I finally just got to the point where I was like, you know, it’s your money, you do whatever you want, I don’t care, I don’t, I’m not going to be dancing to your tune, in order to get some amount of money, you know. And here’s the other thing, you have to realize, narcissists, if their lips are moving, they’re lying. So if they’re telling you, oh, oh, you’re gonna, you’re gonna get the house, and you’re going to get the car, and you’re going to get this, and you’re going to get that where’s the will? What’s in the will? They’re lying; I’ve seen so many of them promise all of this stuff. And then when it comes time to have the will read or whatever, they’ve given it to charity, or they’ve given it to a total stranger, or they have pissed it away, you know, they’ve spent it on themselves, which is not unusual. So you cannot believe anything, anything coming out of the mouth of a narcissist. If you are living in hope that you’re somehow finally going to get that just reward for having put up with all their BS for all these years, you are going to be sadly mistaken you are, and it’s gonna, you know, cause a lot of heartache for you.
So the other thing that I see happening, and I’ve got a bunch of articles I wanted to kind of hit on. The other thing I see happening with narcissists and wills is that they love to not leave a will. So narcissists, like I said, are terrified of death. So what they will do is you try to encourage them, hey, get a will together, Hey, make sure that things go to the people in the places that you want them to go to. Because that’s what wills are for. It’s kind of like, hey, I want this cousin to have this and I want this sibling to have that and I want my son or daughter to have this and you know that’s kind of what it’s for. So, what narcissists will do is they will refuse to get will done. Because in their crazy way of thinking magic thinking, if I don’t write a will I’ll never die I swear to God, that is what they think. I’ve heard them say that. Oh, but if I write a will I’m going to die. Let’s be clear, you are going to die but not because you wrote a will you dumb… No, don’t get me started. Anyway, that’s what they do. So they do the whole Oh, I’m not going to write a will because if I write a will, I’m going to die. Well, yeah, you are going to die. But writing the will is not cause and effect. But that’s what they think. Because again writing a will makes them think about their mortality and that they have no control over it and that someday they’re gonna meet a higher power that they cannot manipulate you know what I’m saying?
So that’s a real SCREW YOU to the survivors to the to the family and the friends because then what happens is the state marches in, I think it’s called intestate. Let me see if I can find this article. Okay, so this is from Jackson, white Attorney at Law, and it talks about Arizona property law. When somebody passes away without a will they die intestate, their assets will transfer to their heirs through probate court according to the laws of intestate succession. Unfortunately intestate Good God, don’t leave the decisions family and friends with much say over who gets what or how it’s divided up, or who it goes to. And the thing about dying without a will is that then it just generally means that it goes to the decedents siblings, it goes to cousins. It goes to it goes to people that have nothing or may have had nothing to do with the family whatsoever. Is this on purpose by the abuser. You bet your sweet bippy I think it’s the final screw you, I think it’s a hit and run eternal Screw you, I really do so. So I just want to Oh, and that’s the other thing about it when it goes into probate. Nobody has any say over this.
The other thing that they do is they set up this weird competition with being an executor of a will. So people seem to think that, Oh, if I’m the executor, I’m going to have all the power you, you’re the one that has to pay all the bills that are left, you’re the one that has to contact, all of the organizations, all of the mail, all of the things that are owed money, all of that you are the one that’s having to do whatever’s left, to pay off bills to do whatever to close out accounts to etc, etc, etc. So oftentimes, narcissistic siblings will fight over becoming executor of a will. Now I ended up having to be the executor of my uncle’s will. It was thank God very simple, because he didn’t have much, it was a pain in the ass. Because you have to pay like I said, you have to go through and close out accounts and contact banks and do all of this. It’s not this. I think these narcissists have this crazy idea in their head that, oh, I’m the executive of the will. And I get to say, what happens, did it No, you don’t, will get to see what happens. And if you don’t want to get sued, you better follow what the will says because that is a legal document. Hello. So yeah, so they do they fight over being the executor. They think it somehow is a power position. All it means is, is that whoever decided that they wanted you as the executor of the will, if they’re not crazy. Basically, they just wanted you because they knew you’re responsible enough to close out all the accounts and do everything that needed to be done in order to settle the will. But with a narcissist or narcissistic family or narcissistic siblings, they think that it means something else, which again, I just people not understanding the law. I don’t I don’t understand that because we have to deal with the law all the time. So it’s a good idea to kind of familiarize yourself with what all this means.
So honestly, if you’ve got a family member, that’s a narcissist that’s, you know, dying or old or whatever, and you want to understand all of this legal stuff, I strongly suggest get onto the Internet, look it up from reliable sources. Start reading what probate is start reading when intestate is start reading what an executor does start reading, you know, start reading all of this stuff because you kind of need to know so in case the abuser starts throwing this stuff around as a, oh, I’m gonna, I’m gonna hook you with this, then you can be like, You know what, I already know what that means. No, thank you, or I see what you’re doing. I’m not playing. Do you see where I’m going with that? So there is that? Okay, um, alright, so that was that. Oh, let’s see which one is this?
Okay, so going okay, going back to when a narcissist ages, the shine rubs off of the narcissist in virtually all relationships at some point. This is from Psychology Today, let me get to what is the title of this one, when a narcissistic parent goes too far, so um, and that’s on psychology today. It’s by Susan Deggs White PhD, it was written in 2021. So let’s get to where this was. Okay, the shine rubs off of the narcissist in virtually all relationships at some point in time, it just takes a little while and others maybe it’s quicker and others. When this happens, the narcissist loses their power over someone who is important to their senses or self, they may resort to an ugly and underhanded method of getting their way and keeping people in their reach. This is a common occurrence with a narcissist, adult children finally break free and begin to create a life beyond their families of origin. When it comes time, when it comes to the threat of losing contact, or access to their adult children, narcissists resort to the threats of disinheritance cut offs from other family members, and in some cases, legal action to maintain access to the grandchildren. That’s what I was talking about. So yeah, they are they are terrified of losing power and control and as they age and as children, adult children figure them out and are like, No, thank you. I see what you’re doing. You’re not going to have access to my kids. I’m not going to play your game. I don’t care how much money you have. The inheritance means nothing to me, you know, because it’s so funny to them. The narcissist can’t wrap their head around it because money is their god so they can’t understand how come somebody is not the money The money the money, you know. And so when somebody is like, I don’t care, they really truly are thrown for a loop. And that’s when they start grasping at straws trying to control in any way shape or form. That’s why they start involving the legal stuff. Um, okay, let’s see.
Extreme narcissists are abundant in estate litigation. Oh, Ain’t that the truth? These facts are the facts are often so skewered that one can easily conclude that the deceased narcissist is laughing with glee and his his or her grave. At the hurt and disorder they carefully crafted upon their their demise. So this is from let’s see disinherited, and this is narcissism and estate litigation. Let’s see, yeah, narcissism and estate litigation. So basically, what they’re saying is that narcissists sometimes intentionally create chaos with their death and with their will, or lack there of, so I have literally heard narcissists say, oh, so my problem, I’ll be dead, now they get to fight over it. What family would do that to their own kids. Oh, let me answer that for you. That would be abusive, abusive families would do that to their own kids. So they literally have this idea that oh, it’s not my problem. Oh, it’s not my problem again, because narcissists can never take responsibility for a damn thing in their life, even their deaths. So they will sometimes intentionally not leave a will with the gleeful knowledge or the gleeful thought because they have to get one final hit and run screw you in before they die of chaos when they die and people fighting over things.
The other thing that I have literally seen in my own personal life and in other people’s lives, is that the narcissistic person in the family will literally come in and steal everything from the other members of the family, like at night come in with a moving van pack everything up and oh, I don’t know what happened to it, you know, that kind of thing. So that happened between my uncle and my father. So they do that and they enjoy it. They they love the chaos, they love the drama, they love playing the victim they love you know, whatever role suits them best is what they do. So they will play the victim Oh, well, I didn’t know I needed to do this before I died, you know, with the will or oh well you know, it’s not my problem or whatever. And then that leaves the other family members to have to clean it up. And oftentimes if a child who is not an adult child who is not a narcissist ends up being the executor of the will then the narcissistic siblings will start attacking them because they’re doing things right and they’re doing things legally and it’s a pain in the hind in because you’re now not only dealing with your grief because yes we do grieve when of narcissistic parent dies you know it may not be the gosh, I love them so much. I you know, I miss them it’s more along the lines of Holy cats. I am so glad they’re gone. What a relief and now I’m grieving the loss of what could have been okay. You know, the what ifs if and only if only and I talked about that in my book What’s wrong with your dad? For us it was grieving the loss of the if only if only gotten help if only he wasn’t crazy, if only he you know, been different if only our childhoods were different if only this if only that so you kind of grieve the loss of all that. So here’s the healthy child trying to be the executor of the will here’s all these you know siblings or other you know, cousins, aunts, uncles attacking the person for doing the right thing. And then you know, it’s hard not to think that the narcissist is sitting back there roasting in hell just giggling their ass off because of the chaos they’ve created. And it’s intentional guys, it’s intentional. If they have pitted kids against each other in life, I swear to you, they will try to pit pit them against each other in their death. So there is okay let me get out of here. There’s a couple more articles.
Um 14 ways narcissists become more toxic as they age. This is by Christine Schoenwald, and this is on medium. Um, okay, let’s see if I can find. Oh, they get more closed minded. As they get older, they’re less they’re getting more and more rigid. They become more and more self-centered aging. narcissists become needier, they demand all of your time not just some of your time, all of your time. And they will accuse you of being disloyal. If you go home. If you go home to take care of your family or if you have to take care of your stuff. Rather than growing wiser with age, they’re more immature. We talked about that. They are alienating that goes along with the become needier they develop high levels of paranoia. They think everybody is out to steal their money they do, because that’s what they would do. If they if the roles were reversed, if they were young and able to do stuff, they would steal the money. So how the person acts and behaves, and vocalizes things is really what’s going on in their head. So if you’ve got an older narcissist, that’s like, Oh, everybody just wants my money. And they’re, they’re vocalizing how they think about other people’s money, you know, that they would steal it, they would do these things, they protect guys, they’re with their lips are moving, they’re lying, or they’re projecting or both at the same time. So there is that, um, they are inflexible, they’re always angry, I think I talked about that they absolutely are always like, that’s the only emotion that they’re able to express. The rules don’t apply. Of course, if they’re a dark triad, that means that they’re antisocial. They think nothing of being abusive to others talked about that they’re comfortable playing the victim 24/7 They have a trail of unsuccessful relationships behind them, they constantly need a scapegoat, and they will come up with the craziest people to blame for that. Okay, um, let’s see this next article. And I swear, I’ll get to the questions.
Um, 10 things narcissists fear, the most relationship commitment, looking deep into their own soul insults, that land, shame being shamed, or found out in public lack of admiration from others getting called out on their lies, not being in important positions. So when they age and they lose that power, it really, really gets them. Feeling gratitude. They don’t like it, they are terrified of death. We talked about that.
So yeah, so basically, the conclusion, basically, what happens is, as narcissists age, they get worse, they don’t get better, they get worse, this goes for any of the cluster B, any of them, if they don’t go get help now, the narcissist, they’re never going to go get help they, if they have a temporary collapse, and I’ve seen this in relationships, they’ll have a temporary collapse where somebody figures them out, leaves the relationship, they’ll collapse, they’ll be depressed, we’ll go seek help. They’ll go one, maybe two times. And as soon as their ego comes back, and they’ve got another supply they’re peace out. They don’t go get help guys, they don’t ever go get real help. They don’t ever change. They don’t ever change. Let me just mention, did I mention they don’t ever change? Did I mention this? They don’t ever change, they get worse with age, they regress. They get nasty, they get more outrageous in their behavior, especially in the viciousness and they play the victim. You know. And that’s kind of what a woman down the hall would do, she would alternate between, I’m a victim, I’m a victim, I’m a victim and just claws out, fangs bared nasty, you know.
So they use wills and inheritance as that, that dangling carrot to get you to do what they want. And basically, the way to protect yourself from that is you can not think you’re going to get an inheritance, you’re probably not, they’ll spend it or they’ll leave it to somebody else. That’s another nasty thing that like I said, They’ll promise you all of this stuff verbally. But then when the will gets read, they’ve left it to charity, or they’ve left it to somebody else, or somebody outside the family or whatever their whole thing is to control from the grave. That’s really what it is. Because they cannot imagine them losing power, beauty, control, sex appeal, whatever. So basically, the best way to not be affected by this is to step out of the circle, stop playing if they’re dangling the inheritance, Hey, it’s your money you do with it what you want, I’m gonna be over here doing my thing you go do you, I’m gonna do my thing. You know, and don’t allow them to have those strings attached. And that’s what it’s all about. It’s all about strings attached for them. How can I pull the string? How can I pull that string? How can I make you dance to my tune? How can I make you you know, how can I make you because that’s what narcissists are all about and ultimately, they’re terrified of dying, they will often create chaos, because they can they’ll do the ultimate screw you by not leaving a will or by setting somebody up as the executor that they know is going to cause problems, or whatever.
So yeah, so narcissists are pretty screwed. They’re terrified of aging, they will fight it tooth and nail, they’ll get outrageous I mean, outrageous plastic surgery. I’m not just talking like, Hey, I would feel better if you know for example, the chest was not hitting my knees. You know what I’m saying? That’s a little bit you’re doing it for you. That’s one thing but if you’re doing all of these crazy plastic surgeries to the point where you don’t even look like you anymore, then Houston there’s a problem. So Anyway, that’s that. Alright, let’s dive into the question.
Does a narc sibling look after a dying parent in order to get their hands on the money? Nine times out of 10? Yes, I will say yes to that. Especially if the sibling has not really shown much. What’s the word I’m looking for? They’re not really a caregiver. They’re not really like that compassionate. Let me take care of you type of person. And all of a sudden they’re like, Oh, let me take care of you. Yeah, that’s kind of a that’s kind of a red flag. Okay, um, all right.
My NARC, half sister was there when the narc mom died, right after that she was into the bank account. Oh, boy. Yeah, that happens a lot. And it happens more often, I think than people realize or the people talk about. And, again, I really think that if you are having issues with you know, sort of looking for if you’re concerned about an elderly person being taken advantage of you need to call Adult Protective Services. Now again, Adult Protective Services is about as helpful as department Children’s Services. Don’t get me started, you know what I’m saying? But you need to have another set of eyes on it, you might want to contact an attorney, especially if a bank account gets emptied. You might want to have a forensic accounting done. That is something to think about. But yeah, if you suspect an elderly person is being taken advantage of by a narcissist you definitely want to get some other eyes on now contact an attorney, having a forensic accounting done, etc, etc, etc. So yeah, it’s a pain in the ass. Alright, hope that answered that question.
Uh, is it common for narc parent to have no will? Yes. Insanely common, like really common! Like I can’t tell you the number of times narcissists die without a will and then it goes into probate.
So What is probate probate is where the state marches in is the intestate stuff that I was talking about. The state marches in and they dictate who gets what, and it takes forever. Probate takes forever, it can take upwards of a year or more depending on how complicated the estate was and how many heirs are involved. Because they don’t just look at direct heirs, they look at siblings, cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, the whole thing. So again, I strongly suggest if you’re in one of these situations where you’re like, ah, they don’t have a will, speak to an attorney, go talk to a to a family estate planning attorney, ask them what your rights are. Find out what you can do what you can’t do. There’s not a lot you can do unless the person is incompetent, in which case you can have them declared incompetent and then they would have to get a guardian and then all sorts of other stuff would have to happen. I’m not an attorney. I don’t play one on TV go ask an attorney But yes, this is incredibly common. They absolutely do that.
My narc mom died intestate and created a lot of chaos. Yes, because they enjoy it NARC, half sister to control everything and tried to block me for my share. Yeah, they will do that they absolutely will do that. So in those cases, again, speak to an attorney, get, get an attorney, get a forensic accounting done, get a hold of, if the person is still alive, get ahold of Adult Protective Services. The problem with Adult Protective Services is, is that unless the adult in question is clearly unable to take care of themselves and cognitively answer questions like they are clearly mentally not there like dementia, Alzheimer’s, etc. Basically won’t do anything and the likelihood of the adult lying to Adult Protective Services is huge. I’ve had cases where there was clearly financial abuse going on. And one of the kids or the grandkids called Adult Protective Services Adult Protective Services came in interviewed the adult in question. The adult in question lied because they didn’t want to get their son or daughter in trouble. And it was dropped. Absolutely dropped. And I’m sitting here going, don’t you think that that should take a second look to see what’s really going don’t get me started. Again, government what can you do? So um, change the laws? There you go. There’s an idea. Um, so yeah, it is very common for adult grandparents, especially adult parents to be taken advantage of by adult narcissist adult child. And yet you do want to get a second set of eyes on that whether it’s Adult Protective Services, and you just don’t stop that’s the thing you cannot stop If you’re really, truly thinking that you can make a difference, then you just keep getting louder and louder and louder. And sometimes that helps. And sometimes that doesn’t, in the case where the adult person was, you know, lying and protecting the child that was hurting them, it’s not going to make a bit of difference, because as long as that person has got their faculties about them, there’s nothing that can be done, if you can prove that they’re not in their right mind. Yeah, then there might be something you might be able to be doing. In that case, yeah, you just gotta let it drop, which is just so it’s like these agencies are put together supposedly to help protect the most vulnerable of our population, and yet, they don’t and it just don’t get me started.
Kris Godinez 40:47
Alright, um, yeah, so that is common. Absolutely. And they do it because they enjoy the chaos. They do it because it’s kind of like they don’t want to make a will because I think they’re gonna die and then they do die. And then it leaves scales for nails as a lot.
Okay, how do I deal with a drama King drama queen relatives that I have to see a Family gatherings? Oh, let’s talk about funerals, shall we? Okay, nothing tells you more who a person is then life events, weddings, funerals, births. How people act at weddings, funerals, births tells you everything you need to know about them. Seriously, narcissists can’t stand any of those because they’re not about them. So they’ll try to take the attention off like okay, at a funeral, let’s let’s go through funerals, shall we? at funerals, they will suddenly become the chief mourner. Like seriously, they they will not have known the person or known them like distantly, you know, it was like a distant cousin or, you know, a person that was like, in their business network, but not somebody that they were, you know, intimately involved with. Suddenly, they will be throwing themselves on the coffin and sobbing uncontrollably and fainting on the way down the I’ve seen that too. I’m just like, are you I would like to present this award for best acting and a funeral situation yet seriously. By the way, the Academy Awards tonight. Anyway, the point being is, they will put on an act worthy about Al Paccino, seriously, they will put on an act that is just, and this is the thing, for people that are not aware of narcissistic personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, their BS detector doesn’t go off because it looks real, or it feels real, because they’re doing all of the things that are traditionally thought of to do at a funeral, which is sobbing uncontrollably, and fainting, you know, especially if you were close to the person. Now, I could totally get that if you were like, incredibly close to the person and this person was your life, and they’re gone. And you’re just you’re just flipping out, I totally get that. But when it’s somebody that you’re not even really related to, it’s kind of like, I don’t know, if you guys ever had this go on when you were in high school. When I was in high school, occasionally, unfortunately, classmates would die, they would get into car accidents or farming accidents or whatever. And suddenly, the entire school went to the funeral. And like, did you know No, I just want to get out of class. I’m like, Are you kidding me? I, I was seriously rather be in math class, I hate math, then go to a funeral. I frickin hate going to funerals. They’re just I would rather remember the person and not lying in a casket. That’s really I seriously, memorials, I will go to all day long. Because it’s a memorial. And there’s pictures. And you can think of them when they were alive. And it’s kind of a bittersweet, happy, sad kind of thing. But anyway, the point being is is that people will go to funerals to get out of things. Or they’ll go to funerals to be the chief mourner. The chief mourner, more so than the widow or most of the children or more so and that just disgusts me number one, and number two, it’s just like, God, what are they getting out of? Oh, the sympathy? Narcissistic supply. Isn’t that interesting? Or conversely, if they’re completely no empathy? No, nothing. The whole proceeding is disgust them and they cannot wait to get out and they’re having disgust. Like, they’re angry that people are crying, they’re angry that people are sad, they are angry that it’s not about them. And it’s like, tick tock, how soon can we get out of here? You know, come on, put them in the ground, you know, that kind of thing? I’ve seen that as well. So, yeah, they have a very, very strange way of dealing with funerals grieving etc.
So how do you deal with drama kings drama queens that you have to see at a wedding or a funeral, or birth or family gathering or whatever Okay, you got a couple of options here, I like to weigh the options is it easy to escape. So let’s say that you’re going to a family gathering, let’s say that it’s a family reunion, or something where you’re going to see other relatives that you do like, and you want to see. So you kind of have to like, plan your escape. So in other words, okay, I want to see Aunt Mimi and Uncle Tito and my cousins, and you know, those people, okay, great. You call them up, you find out when they’re going to arrive, you’re right around the same time that they do, you hang out with them. And then when the drama queen or drama King starts, oh, gotta go. Okay, dental appointment, Sorry, gotta go, you know, or whatever, you know, you come up with an excuse or, let the dog out, you know, that kind of thing. Whatever excuse you need to and then leave, the thing of it is with the drama king or drama queen, you’re not going to stop them. Unless now this is something that I have done. When I had to deal with family drama in my drama, I assign a bodyguard to them to distract them, the great thing about them is they’re usually easily distracted. Unless, of course, there’s this overarching agenda that they have in their head, okay, in which case, they’re not easily distracted, but you might be able to pull them off course, if you have somebody that’s kind of assigned to them. So basically, you know, you assign somebody to them, Hey, look, drama, King, drama queen, I know, they’re going to try to start stuff, if you could somehow distract them, keep them busy, you know, have them tell them how important it is for them to do this over here, you know, get them off track, that’s really that’s a good way to do it is you have somebody assigned to them, at least for a couple hours to you know, keep them from creating drama. But eventually they will do it. Absolutely. But it might, it might keep them off kilter for enough time, so that most people get in the good socializing that they need to and then you know, you can leave when they start their drama. So um, and this happened in again, in my family, extended family, we had this this it was an in law of mine, alcoholic, like nobody’s business, every family gathering, he would come in, he would be drunk, he would start insulting people. And eventually what ended up happening is the kids, the sons would literally pick him up and carry him out. And that was kind of like, you could tell the time by when they had to carry him out, it was like, must be about four o’clock in the afternoon. You know, so you got to have a sense of humor about it, they’re going to do what they’re going to do if you can assign bodyguards to them, or you just don’t go. I mean, that’s the other thing. It’s hard to do with funerals and weddings. But if it’s a family gathering, you don’t have to go, you don’t have to go if it’s if it’s going to be uncomfortable, and you’re going to have to deal with a narcissist, you don’t have to go, you do not have to attend every family gathering that you’re invited to. Nor do you have to attend every single argument. You’re invited to, you know, if somebody starts something in front of you and tries to huff and puff because that’s what this guy did. Every family thing, he’d come up and say something mean, and I just laughed at him. Because you’re so funny. Good seeing you. And I turn around and walk off. And he’d be left sitting there going, what just Why isn’t she angry? Well, cuz I don’t take you seriously because you’re not to be taken seriously. Because I know that bothers you. So anyway, so there’s that. Um, so I hope that answered that question. You basically assign somebody to them. Don’t take him seriously. don’t attend the argument. Leave if you have to, like oh, look at the time gotta go by you know, and then you peace out. Alright. Um, how?
How can we avoid conflict with siblings as narc parents get older, and the game playing ramps up? Okay, so you’re not. Let’s be clear on this. They need drama. The way the rest of us need air. Seriously, they absolutely need drama The way the rest of us need air. So you’re going to gray rock, you’re going to learn to gray rock and just be like uh huh, uh-huh. Uh-huh. Look at the time gotta go by you know that kind of thing. And you document, you document everything you know and they are going to try to create drama they are going to try to create a competition because remember narcissists are all about competitions. Like I said, if they would pit you guys against each other in life, they’re going to try to pit you guys against each other and death, or if the sibling is the one that is the he narcissist the disordered person. They’re going to try to create drama. Why? Because if an abusive parent is dying, and the narc sibling cannot handle death, they’re going to act out like nobody’s business. Like I’m not kidding you. So what I have seen and I talk about it in my book You know, when my dad died, some of my siblings were just like, Saint Bob of the perpetually perfect parents. And I’m like, What are you smoking? Because I really like some of that. No, seriously, because it’s like, they were like, suddenly, you know, abusive dad suddenly turns into this saint. And I’m just like, where, what? How? What, you know, if they will just rewrite history right in front of you. And you got two options, you either call them on it, which is what I did, which was probably not the correct response, but I did it anyway. Or you just kind of got to go, Okay, this is your disorder, you live in the history that you can live with, I choose to live with reality. Thank you very much.
Kris Godinez 50:49
So you know, there’s that they do. They create drama, they’re freaked out. If the parent is dying, they don’t deal with death well, so they will make unreasonable demands on the other siblings, you know, like, you need to do this and you need to do that you need to take care of them, you need to do that. Meanwhile, they’re not doing Jack diddly squat. And you’re just sitting here going, speak for yourself. So yeah, they’ll just they’ll try to start stuff. And it’s because they’re acting out because they’re freaked out because they don’t know how to deal with death. They don’t accept it. They don’t accept it.
The biggest thing about Narcissus is they cannot they do not accept change. They don’t in the reality of it is life is change. Nothing stays the same, ever except death and taxes. So the taxes change. So, you know, it’s like, they can’t accept change, and they can’t accept death. Because it makes them It forces them to think about their own mortality. A healthy normal person is able to go yep, we’re all magot food. Okay? Now, you know, and, and be good to other people and have fun travel and do fun things. Somebody who is narcissistic or disordered in any way, shape or form, they want to fight it. They don’t like it because they cannot control it. They don’t accept that’s why that’s why the book by Tara Brock, radical acceptance, radical acceptance by Tara Brock. It’s a Buddhist concept. It’s like and I was talking to Jess yesterday. Jess Manny, who’s my trainer. We were out hiking up to the Wind Cave, which I decided they called it The Wind Cave, because when you get up there you are totally winded. Oh my god, it’s like a mile straight up. Anyway, we were talking about Buddhism concepts. And the reason and I told him this, I said, the reason why so many people are suffering is because they cannot accept change. They don’t accept things. They also get attached to perfect pictures. Well, it has to be this rigid thinking has to be this way has to be that way. And if it’s not that way, I’m gonna throw fit and I’m going to be miserable. And I’m you know… Temper Tantrum is like, look, things are not always going to go your way things have not always gone my way. In which case you just kind of got to go, well, crap, that didn’t work. Alright, well, let’s try something else. All right, let’s do that. You know, you know, grieve if you need to move on. But with a narcissist, they dig their heels in, they get angry and and they lash out, when things don’t go their way they get they lash out when they don’t get the proper, what’s the word I’m looking for? it is respect to them the attention that they think they deserve. So, for example, there could be a parent dying. All the siblings are grieving, right? But they want to be the one that’s grieving the most. And they’re the ones that are like, you know, comfort me, comfort me. I’m the one that’s grieving. I’m the one that’s grieving. I’m like, oh, dear Lord, shut up. You know what I mean? It’s like, they don’t allow anybody else to grieve. They have to be the chief mourner. Again, so. Okay, let’s see if that answered the question. So how you deal with them is basically know their game, know what they’re up to step out of the circle, step out, step out of the triangle, they need drama, like, we need air, and they need a Drama Triangle, the villain, the victim and the hero, they’re always the hero. You’re the villain, always somebody else is the victim. Or sometimes they’re the victim, you know, when they’re looking for somebody else to be the hero, but you’re never going to be the good guy in this scenario. So you just don’t play. You just don’t play you just kind of it sounds mean, but you just kind of it’s not that you don’t care because you do feel for them that you don’t have idiot compassion.
So let me talk really quickly about idiot compassion, versus real compassion. Real compassion is where you can look at them and go, yeah, they’re grieving. Catherine really not dealing with this. Well, yeah, this is hard on them for sure. However, all of this drama is not the real issue. And I can have compassion for them, but I am not going to allow them to stop me from doing my work. My grieving, nor am I going to allow them to stop the family from doing their work and their grieving.
Kris Godinez 55:08
I will be compassionate with them, I will help them to a certain extent, but I’m not going to let them abuse. Okay. So that’s having compassion for them, but not allowing them to control. Idiot compassion is where we go, Oh, look at how they’re grieving. Oh, oh, we just need to let them do whatever they want. And I’ve seen that happen. So many times in families where there is a death, either occurring going to occur, happened, etc. And they just let the disordered person do whatever they want, because they don’t want to have to deal with them. But the reality is, you deal with them more when you give in to them. Because Oh, look no boundaries I’m gonna be a drama queen. And that’s what they do. And they go off and running and they cause problems and no, they need to know, buck stops here. I understand you’re grieving. However, the rest of us are grieving also. So back off, you know, and sometimes you got to say things like that. So anyway, there that is okay. Let’s see. I think there was one more question.
How do I avoid applying glasses? I don’t need to squint. How do I avoid applying narc? Parents disgust with aging? Oh, aging faces and bodies to ourselves as we grow older. Okay. So basically, it’s unpacking what is really your stuff and what is really their stuff. If you look at our society. It is messed up when I lived in LA. And this was back in the late 80s, early 90s. I went to see a movie. And there are these two kids sitting behind me when I say kids, they were probably about my age at that time was probably about 25 or so. And they were bagging on this actress because she was a normal weight, a normal weight. Not like Ally McBeal weight. She was like a normal weight actress. And they were like, Oh, she’s so fat. She said that she said, And I’m sitting there thinking to myself, Hmm, wonder where they got that from? Whatever you told them, they were fat wonder who you know, where did this come from? So basically, they were just spewing what that culture was in LA because remember, in the early 90s, a woman actress had no chance of an ice cube in hell, unless they have the body of a 14 year old boy, which I like lasagna. So that’s never gonna happen. You know what I’m saying? So it’s really it’s like, you got to unpack it. Do you really feel that way? I don’t think so. I don’t think so. You know, it’s funny, it’s like, I’m 57. I look in the mirror, I see the lines. I see the wrinkles, I see it, my skin does not look the way it did when I was 20. You know, and age is a privilege denied to many. Let me just say that age is a privilege denied To many ages not a bad thing. I’d rather be on this side of the turf than the other side of the turf. You know what I’m saying? Because, hey, still breathing and walking around. So kicking, hiking, I’m doing this I’m doing that I’m doing going on tour. You know, it’s like aging is a part of our process. It is part of us being human. So again, narcissists can’t handle it, because reminds them, they’re human, they look at the wrinkles, and they’re like, oh my god, oh my God, oh, you know, gotta stop this stop. Hello, you know, I would rather look my age, I would rather you know, not fight it tooth and nail and rather age gracefully or ungracefully. However I do it. But you know what I’m saying? It’s like, it is a part of who we are. And you either accept who you are, and love your body. Look, I’m not a small lady. I’m not I weighed about 180 between 180 and 200 pounds. So that’s where I kind of fluctuate too. So you know, it’s like you either love yourself or you don’t you either accept yourself or you don’t, it’s kind of like being you can’t be kind of pregnant, you know what I’m saying? So work on self-esteem, work on self-esteem. When you look in the mirror, you love that body, that body is what’s gotten you from point A to point B, and hopefully to point Z at some point. You know, I want to be one of those ladies that goes sliding into home plate just using everything up, you know, because it’s like, I want a rich full life that can just be like, awesome. And then as I’m dying, I’m like, sweet, you know? So a good time. This is great, you know, five stars would do it again. You know? I mean, that’s what that’s kind of what you want. So you gotta unpack. Is this really your thought? Or is that their thoughts? And I’ll bet you dollars to donuts. It’s their thought. They’re the ones that don’t like wrinkles. They’re the ones that don’t like fat. They’re the ones that don’t like, you know, a normally aging body. They’re the ones that don’t like gray hair, white hair, whatever. So really just love yourself. Love, love, love, love, love yourself. Love yourself do the mirror work unpack it work the self esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldil the really work on when you look in the mirror and you know, I had that problem in younger years of not accepting my body because I got so much nastiness from my dad and from Hollywood about being a larger woman. And it’s like, you know, you finally kind of get a give the middle finger to them and just be like, You know what, I get to live with myself. And I get to love myself so you don’t like it? You can suck it. So there that is. There it is. Alright guys, have a great weekend. Have a great week. Check out Krisgodinez.com Look for the meet and greets they’re all up there and have a great week and I’ll talk to you later. Bye.
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