Kris Godinez 00:02
Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.
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Kris Godinez 00:27
Alright, first of all, let me get out all of this stuff. My books are available on Krisgodinez.com. I will autograph them for you. I will put a little thing in there for you. That’s Krisgodinez.com. You can also get them on Amazon. I also do an audible. I read my own books because I don’t like a lot of actors that read books so anyway, there’s also Suzanna, Suzanna Quintana, Suzannaquintana.com. Get her book “You’re Still That Girl!” She is amazeballs! I love this woman! So, and actually we’ve been talking she’s having a hard time finding the vaccine so as soon as she gets vaccinated, she and I have already started talking, okay, we need to get going again with doing seminars and meet and greets and things like that. So, I will have my second vaccine on April 12, then two weeks from that I will be supposedly immune. So, I’m going to start looking at touring again. So, thank you Jeezus! I’m so happy! I can’t wait to get on the road again. Anyway, so yeah, Suzanna and I are talking about that and as soon as she gets vaccinated we’re gonna start planning stuff so yeah team! Also, Shahida Arabi! Love this woman! Love! Love! Love! Love, side of love, extra helping of love! This is a great book “The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People”, get it, do it! She’s got journal suggestions in here which I love because it’s like if you’re and we’re going to talk about this you know see PTSD and you’re suffering from you know dissociation and and, and gaslighting in the fog and, and all of that fun stuff. And when I say fun, I mean the polar opposite. It helps to have little prompts about okay think about writing about this Hey, think about writing about that. So great book love Shahida. She’s awesome. When I get to New York, I am so wanting to go have coffee with her! Great book “Splitting” if you’re going through divorce, “Splitting” by Bill Eddy and Randy Krieger. Randy Krieger is the author of “Stop Walking On Eggshells”. Awesomesauce1 Love this book. If you’re going through divorce, you need to be reading this. Okay? Let us now dive into after you leave. Oh, my goodness, when you leave. Holy cow. There is so much going on. So Oh, so one of the things that people are the most disturbed about when they leave a
Kris Godinez 03:26
when you when they leave an abusive relationship is they come out of the relationship. And there’s so much happening there’s the memory loss is one of the huge ones. So actually, that was something I had a couple of questions on this week. It’s like, holy cow. I’m starting to journal and I’m starting to do this and I can remember some parts but I can’t remember others. What the heck is going on? Am I losing my mind? No, you’re not losing your mind. This is a part of PTSD. This is a part of C PTSD. The C and C PTSD just means complex meaning it happened over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. You know, usually PTSD is dealing with like a one-time event although I don’t know how more could be a one-time event. I mean, that’s kind of like an ongoing one-time event. But um, so like an accident, being robbed, witnessing a robbery, witnessing something that’s life threatening, seeing a life-threatening accident, those are all causes of PTSD. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is when it happens to you, and or you’re watching it happen to somebody else. And it’s ongoing, it’s daily. It’s like the abuse or the life-threatening event is constantly changing. And it’s daily, right? Because that’s what abuse is. So, um, a lot of people have been writing me going, “Oh my God! I can’t remember I can’t remember. I mean, there’s entire periods that are just completely blanked out. Or, you know, I had lunch with my best friend’s spouse and I don’t remember having had that lunch.” That is because of the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It’s because the incoming information is not matching cognitive dissonance, not matching what’s going on. So, let’s say You had lunch with this friend, and they’re telling you, “Hey, I see all of these red flags!” and then you just don’t remember having that lunch. That’s because it’s not matching what you’re experiencing at home because you don’t want it to match and the abuser is gaslighting you which we are going to be talking about. Next week, I want to talk about gaslighting. I want to talk about pathological lying, I want to talk about all of that, because that is what these mother cluckers do so, jump back. Alright, so let’s talk about after you leave. So, the memory loss is normal guys, it’s normal, it’s in an abnormal situation, it’s normal. We don’t remember specifics about the abuse, especially if the abuse was really bad, very traumatic, etc, etc, etc. So, I mean, we won’t remember the whole thing will remember bits and pieces, but we won’t necessarily get good clear details. And that’s kind of normal. And the worse the abuse, the more trauma, the more memory gaps you’re going to have. Why dissociation? Why, because our brains couldn’t cope, because our brains were like “Oh, oh, peace out people!” around for this. And that’s normal. That is normal. That is the way we deal with this, this is the way we survive, the abuse is to check out, it’s just what we do. It’s a defense mechanism. And it helps us live, it helps us survive. So, in a way, you kind of have to thank it, it’s kind of like, okay, thank you brain for checking out, I appreciate it. That’s great, I would really love to remember. And here’s the thing, you are not going to remember until you are safe, until you’re ready, basically. So, as you go through therapy, and this is what I think some people are not understanding as you go through therapy, you’re not going to immediately remember stuff, not even with EMDR, you’ve got to feel safe, you’ve got to feel safe, your amygdala has to calm down, stand down, in order to feel safe and to start remembering things. So, because otherwise you’ll constantly be in that fight flight freeze or fawn response, panic response. So, as you start feeling safer, things will start coming back to you. And I don’t think people necessarily are expecting that or prepared for it. So, I’m telling you now as you feel safer in therapy, or in your journey, if you’re doing it without a therapist, God bless it, do it without a therapist if you have to. But as you feel safer, you are going to start remembering more things and that inner child is going to freak right the Bleep out and be like, “Oh my God! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!” but what you have to remind yourself is okay little one, it’s okay, we’re safe, we’re safe, we are safe, I got your back. It’s okay, these people are never going to hurt us again, this is just a memory. Nothing more, it’s okay. So, you’re going to have to really comfort that inner child, you’re going to have to really work with that inner child, whatever age you were, that you’re working on, that you’re getting blocked, that you can’t remember, you just got to comfort, comfort, comfort and let them know they’re safe and go at your own pace. It’s like, it drives me crazy when I see people going “Well, you get with the program, you need to be done now!” I’m sorry, if somebody has been abused since age zero, they’re not going to be done in six months, or even a year, you know, depending on the severity of the abuse, depending on the person’s constitution, depending on what else is going on with them. So, patience, and that is something that abusers absolutely do not teach us. They do not teach us how to have patience with ourselves. And we really need to have that we really need to have that because we’ve got to be gentle. We’ve got to be gentle guys, we’ve got to be so gentle. I want everyone out there to speak to themselves, the way you would a small child with kindness, with patience with love, with encouragement, you’ve got this, we’re safe, we got this, we’re okay, it’s going to be all right, positive, positive, positive, do you see where I’m going with that. So, it’s gonna take time, it’s gonna take time, Rome was not built in a day, you know, undoing all of this abuse, and then replacing it with healthy behaviors or even remembering stuff is not going to happen overnight. It’s just not. So not remembering is a part of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder it is we just don’t remember key aspects of the abuse or of the trauma, because our brains are just like overwhelmed and just literally kind of go bleep shut down. You know, because it’s function overload. Reset, you know, that’s kind of what we do. So, there is that the other thing that happens to us when we come out of an abusive relationship and everybody thinks I’m always talking about romantic No, I’m talking about any abusive relation Why? Because these people all behave the same damn way like there’s some sort of universal how to be a complete douchebag book. Seriously. So, you know, if they all act the same way, they all follow the same scripts, they all say the exact same things, no matter where they are in the world. No matter you know who they are male female doesn’t matter they all follow the same exact trajectory it’s just I sometimes I look at it and I go What? Yeah it’s just amazing to me so they all follow the same thing whether it’s an abusive boss and abusive friend and abusive romantic relationship of an abusive parent and abusive child if they all do the exact same type of manipulation, control gaslighting, fog fear obligation guilt they all do the same thing and they all pretty much follow the exact same script like somebody wrote it out for them you know like hit your mark and say this line which is kind of scary So anyway, there is that so all right, when we come out of an abusive relationship the number one thing that these douchebags do is that they take away our sense of self, they take away our certainty, certainty like kids I love watching kids kids are awesome because they’ll go out on the playground and they’re just certain they’re just sit down, I’m gonna go do this, I’m gonna go jump rope, I’m gonna go hang off the monkey bars, I’m gonna go swing, I’m gonna… and there’s no questioning there is no second guessing There is no doubt there is no Am I right to do this? There is no you know hesitation they just go do their to do in the moment, in the moment, in the moment! That’s why I love kids before adults get a chance to mess them up. Oh my god. Anyway, the point being is they have certainty what happens with an abuser is the abuser starts pulling the rug out from underneath us and takes away our certainty so that we no longer trust our gut. So, we come out of an abusive relationship whether that’s in a in a corporation, in a romantic relationship, in a friendship, or whatever and we start going who what when where how, why what just happened? Wait, if I had done this differently, what would this have been different if I’d said this differently with this have been different? No, it wouldn’t have been I got a email from somebody recently that was like but, but, but, there’s got to be hope No, there is not guys when I was talking about the dark triad, which are usually the ones who are stalkers and stuff This goes for all narcissistic types Okay, this means the quiet ones the the victim ones Poor me You never write you never call you know martyr, martyr, martyr, always the victim it’s always happening to them. This goes for the communal ones which are like the Guru’s which you got to watch out for and this goes for the overt ones which are the ones that are like look at me, look at me, look let me tell me how fabulous I am. They do not change period and if somebody oh and then this is this is what got me but they’ve apologized but they don’t mean the apology and they keep doing it over again but they’re not manipulative. Okay, stop right there. If they apologize and they keep apologizing and they keep doing it over again. They are manipulative. That is the classic that is the very definition of manipulative is to be doing something while saying you’re not doing it, which is Hello, gaslighting. Who God these guys are so sneaky they are Oh,
Kris Godinez 13:06
next lifetime I’m coming back to a planet with no Narcissus. Meet me there. Okay, so the point being is is that, okay? When we come out of an abusive relationship, we have got so much going on in our heads because it’s literally like, these abusers have taken a eggbeater and just stuck it in our head and went okay, and just messed everything up. So, when we come out, we’ve got all sorts of self doubt, we’ve got all sorts of PTSD, CPTSD, we’ve got memory loss, we’ve got Oh, horrible, horrible longing, longing to get back to the love bombing. So, it’s that intermittent positive rewards, we’ve got trauma bonding going on, there is just there are oh Lord there is just so much, so, so much that is going on with us. So, when we leave the relationship, we question ourselves, because that’s what healthy normal people do. You always it’s like, you always kind of go What could I have done differently? What what you know, should I said something should have done something maybe we should have gone to counseling? Maybe this is why I’m not, you know, bagging on the person who said that because that’s the natural inclination to go. But can it be fixed? Well, in a healthy normal relationship? Yes.
Kris Godinez 14:24
With somebody who was an abuser? No, because there’s no there, there. It’s all ego. They’re too invested in their shit. So, we come out going, what could I have done differently? What did I say? What did I do? How did this end up this way? Why did this happen? Oh my god, I missed those times when the abuser was kind trauma, bonding, intermittent positive rewards, and we start focusing on those positive times and that is what sinks us every single damn time. This is why the Hoover’s work is because we keep hoping we live in hope that they’re going to change or that they want to get better or that they’re going to you know and so when they do contact us we have that oh they got it oh my gosh they had a V eight moment oh my god I could have had a VA you know I understand now oh god they get it they get it no they don’t no no no with a side of no when an extra help again of no! Oh my goodness no they don’t get it they all they’re doing is they’re looking for supply they’ve either not been able to make another supply happen that supply ran out or they really enjoy just tormenting you which is part of their sadistic little game so this is what happens to us when we come out of this we’ve got cognitive dissonance going on we don’t want to believe that this was an abusive relationship and a lot of in a lot of instances it’s and that’s usually when the person is kind of thinking about leaving that’s when they’re they’re kind of like on that edge of well I know I shouldn’t leave but I really don’t want to but I know I should leave but I really don’t want to and that is totally normal guys this is this is like the levels of consciousness remember so unconscious incompetence you’re running around hitting walls not understanding that there’s walls there if you don’t even see them then there’s conscious incompetence oh now you see the walls you’re still hitting them. But you see the walls Okay, great. Then there is conscious competence meaning I see the walls I know why the walls are there. I’m going to sidestep those I need to be mindful and really pay attention to walking around these walls then there is unconscious competence meaning you perceive the walls you don’t even need to think about it you just sidestep right so that’s that’s mindfulness that’s that’s practicing being in the moment staying present working on all of this trauma and getting to that point of conscious competence where you don’t or unconscious competence where you don’t even have to think about it. So, we have all of this stuff going on we have the fog going on with a cognitive dissonance going on we have this longing this desire to reconnect with that love bombing because they were mirroring us back to us and that’s why it felt like it was a soulmate or they’re perfect you know it’s like oh my god they’re so perfect oh my god they’re they like the same things I do. Oh my god, your prince, Prince Hans and Ana from Frozen you know that’s the perfect example Disney does so many good examples of yeah, psychological things so yeah, so there is that so let’s talk a little bit about CPTSD and why things are happening. People don’t realize that the symptoms of PTSD the symptoms of C PTSD are to be expected when we have come out of an abusive relationship there is nothing wrong with you let me just say that again. There is nothing wrong with you this is what happens to anyone who is facing a life threatening emotionally life threatening physically life threatening sexually life threatening whatever event or events complex CPTSD, okay. All right, directly experiencing traumatic events. Yes, we directly experience the traumatic events when they are in the devalue and discard phase so I’m gonna relate this back to all of the phrases that you already know devalue and discard that is a traumatic event you go from on a pedestal can do no wrong are loved supposedly you think it’s love to can do no right You’re horrible you’re this you’re that you’re just like my ex you’re just like my this you’re just like my that you know you’re drawn You can’t do this, you’re stupid, you’re ugly, you’re blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever their b. s is, you know they’re doing
Kris Godinez 18:33
that is what they’re doing. But because they have done the love bombing, we believe them because we think that they love us, they do not. These monsters do not love. They do not experience love in the way that we do. They are not empathic. People who are empathic would never devalue and discard someone, would never tear them down, would never mine for information and then go for the juggler. That’s what these people do. And I use the term people loosely. Witnessing in person events as it occurs to others. So, you’re, you’re watching your siblings getting abused you watching your mother or your father, get abused, you’re watching coworkers. get abused, you see friends getting abused. Yeah, that’s traumatic. Those are all traumas. Absolutely. And I think part of the thing of it is, is in our society First of all, we stigmatize mental health issues like nobody’s business, which 90% of the problems that you see in the news could be remedied if we had an actual mental health system Don’t get me started. But too, It’s like we minimize we minimize we minimize things Oh, it wasn’t that bad? Or we have people tell us Oh, it wasn’t bad, bad flying monkeys? Hello? So, you know we have people going oh, well, it wasn’t Oh, well, they’re a great guy. Oh, they’re a great girl. Well, they’re always nice to me. Ah, have you seen what happens behind closed doors? Hello. So, there’s a whole bunch of weirdness in our society around any sort of mental health issue. Um, and they it society minimizes you know, I talked about people dying the other day and how people are like, Oh, you know, you just lost your child to a horrific car accident. Well, you should be back at work in a week. I’m sorry. What? Have you actually had children? Oh my god, you have? Please stop procreating. You’re terrible parents. You know what I’m saying? It’s like they just they don’t understand grieving. They don’t understand the grieving process. So, there’s this minimal minimization going on. Oh, it wasn’t that bad! Oh, it’s not Oh, come on, suck it up. Buttercup! It wasn’t that bad, blah, blah. No, it was. That, that perception is everything, People. Just because it wasn’t bad to somebody else doesn’t mean that it’s not bad to you. Okay. Perception is literally everything and I’m sick to death of idiots that have no concept about psychology sitting here going, Oh, well, you know, you’re, you’re over exaggerating. You’re too sensitive. Does that sound familiar? Oh, you’re this Oh, you’re that, huh? That’s what abusers do. They don’t like emotions. They don’t like strong emotions. And they certainly don’t like trauma being pointed out and they certainly don’t like people actually working on their trauma. Why? Because now they cannot be abused. Oh, sorry, need to get off of that. And get back to the topic. Sorry. So, there’s minimizing don’t minimize, do not minimize, you know what? You know, you know what, you know. You know what you went through, don’t you dare minimize it. Perception is everything. It is real absofreakinglutely don’t get me started, too late. Okay, learning that the traumatic events occurred to a close family member, or close friend. In the case of actual or threatened death of a family member, friend, the events must have been violent or accidental, which is always an abuse. So, I just read an article today on CNN, about a woman who disappeared in I think it was Brooklyn. And she was like 15, or 16 years old, she’d gone off with a boyfriend. The boyfriend allowed the family to come and visit for a small amount of time. And then all of a sudden, no contact, moved without a trace. family couldn’t find her, they did find the boyfriend, the boyfriend said Oh, she doesn’t want to talk to you, you’re abusive. You’re this, you’re that? Well, he was talking about himself, he murdered her. And he put her into three different suitcases. So, um, if it happens to a family friend of a friend or a family member, or you know, a co worker, yes, that is trauma because we are all connected and we all feel and we all know what that must feel like to be being abused. Unless of course you’re in the abuser in which case you don’t because you don’t have empathy. But the point I’m trying to make is that trauma can happen in so many different ways around domestic violence. So okay, we’re Oh my goodness. Alright. Alright, alright. Alright. Experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details and traumatic events. Okay, so like first responders, police officers, fire, fire people, etc, etc. presence of one or more of the following intrusive symptoms. So, this is where people get freaked out about PTSD. rumination, rumination, what is rumination so if you’re from the country like I am, it’s cows chewing the cud. So, when they chew the cud, they kind of barf back up what they’re eating and they just
Kris Godinez 23:23
and they do that all day every day. So, in other words, rumination is where you latch on to a thought and you just keep thinking about it and you just keep thinking about it and you just keep thinking about it and you just so that’s kind of that part when we first leave and we keep going What could I have done differently? How did this happen? How can I, how can I get back to the love bombing? How can I get back to you know we don’t call it love bombing? We’re like, you know, I want that. I want that person I loved I miss that person I love of course you did. Because they mirrored you back to you. Guess what you’re worthy of love. That’s the only good news of this whole thing. Love yourself, love yourself the way that this person love bombs you but with truth and honesty and integrity. So okay, so the rumination is really scary to people because it’s like they feel like they can’t let go. They can’t let go It’s a hard time letting go. That’s why the concept of letting go is so important because you got to let go of these people, I use that term loosely. In order to heal because you got to evict them from your head. They will be the first thing on your mind in the morning, the last thing you think about at night for at least for the first year, because you’re grieving it’s a grieving process. Not only do you have PTSD it’s also the grieving process. You’re having to let go, let go, let go, write and burn letters. Dear so and so the good the bad, the ugly, the horrific at the very, very end, goodbye in no uncertain terms, write it, write it out, take it out to the barbecue. Read it out loud once, it is your declaration of independence, Burn it. Let it go. That kind of gives the act of letting things go you’ve got to learn to let this person go. They are not who you think they are. Okay dear Lord.
Kris Godinez 25:01
Okay, intrusive involuntary distressing memories of the traumatic events that’s why I’m saying that will sometimes happen sometimes you won’t be able to remember it. Recurring distressing dreams Okay, now this happens a lot when you’ve left an abuser you will have drunk dreams basically is what they are so because remember the intermittent positive rewards the trauma bonding is addictive we are addicted to when they were kind to us so when they are gone when we have left and we have booted them out of our lives, just like with a drug addict or an alcoholic which is all drugs I don’t know why we make the distinction it should just be called Addicts Anonymous Don’t get me started anyway. The point being is, is that we were addicted to the intermittent positive rewards we were addicted to when it was hot, we were addicted to when they were good to us when they were kind when they were love bombing when they were supposedly loving etc etc etc. So when they leave our brain starts dreaming about them now The unfortunate thing is is with a lot of addicts they think oh that’s my cue to go back to crack no no it is not it is your brain trying to make sense of why this person why this thing like drugs or alcohol was was so important to you why this thing is this person that was so important to you is now no longer there and the brain is just going where’s where’s my dopamine where’s where’s my serotonin wait what where’s the wait! where’s the norepinephrine? II want my high that’s what your brain is doing and that’s why you’re dreaming about them because you’re trying to recreate that feeling of serotonin dopamine, norepinephrine, etc etc etc. in your head because of the intermittent positive rewards when they were kind to us it was great, it was. If it wasn’t, if it was consistently bad, we would have left a hell of a long time ago but what they do is that intermittent positive rewards so they’re good they’re good they’re good they’re horrible they’re good they’re good they’re horrible horrible horrible good you know and so we start living for those highs when they were awesome to us you know? And we get addicted to it we do and so our brain starts going where’s that high? Where’s that where’s the norepinephrine is where’s the endorphins where’s the dopamine is where’s where’s this here to what wait what? where is it Why isn’t it here anymore? So that’s why we dream about them so the best thing you can do when you have a drug dream, I call it a drug dream because you know we all dream about the thing that we’re addicted to and we leave it you know so what you want to do again write them a letter write a goodbye letter, dear so and so the good the bad the ugly the horrific at the very end Good bye in no uncertain terms this is what you did for me. You left me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, you left me with anxiety, you left me with fear you left me with sadness, you left me, you know all the rotten things that they left you with you know write it out so you remind yourself really important because the thing of it is is that we have a tendency to gloss things over again minimizing and we don’t remember the bad things that happened or we don’t want to remember the bad things that happened so you’ve got to write out every rotten thing they ever did you and you put that list somewhere where you can see it so that when they do, do the Hoover and they will, and sometimes the Hoover’s don’t come for 20 years guys, sometimes they come right after you’ve left and other times it’s when they’ve run out of supplies and they’re older and they’re collapsing you know how that goes, anyway so but you keep that list so that when they do contact you, you can be like Oh hell no! No, I already bought the T shirt and the program from that play don’t plan on doing it again Have a nice day buh bye, you know what I’m saying so yeah, you put that somewhere where you can see it okay going on. Oh my god, how are we doing on time? Oh, jeez, Louise. I’m going to go a little over on this. Okay, um, dissociative reactions, dissociative reactions. So, checking out I talked about that you’re going to lights are on, engines running we check out because it’s too much and sometimes when we get triggered by things that remind us of this or when we are working through the trauma with your therapist, yeah, you will dissociate it will happen, it’s normal in this very abnormal situation. That is normal do not make yourself wrong for dissociating that is what we do to survive guys I’m gonna say that again. This is what we do to survive in order to make it through that abuse in order to make it through that trauma is our brains just kind of go Oh, nope, nope, nope, thank you. You know and we either you know, we can work through and remember or we can work through it without remembering it you don’t have to all you need to know is that there was abuse, you don’t need to know the specifics, okay? You just need to know that there was abuse, you know, and then you can work through that and you’ve got to feel safe, and you will start remembering things and don’t be afraid of that. It’s just a memory it cannot hurt you anymore. Is it painful to remember the abuse? Oh, yeah. When I think back to some of the things that my dad said to me, oh my good God, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. What
Kris Godinez 29:58
the hell is wrong with that man? I’m gonna use the term loosely. I don’t know. I do know he was disordered as you just got to kind of have a little bit of sense of humor about it and be able to go you know what that was in the past it cannot hurt me anymore. That person has no power over me anymore. Seriously, you have no power here. Get out. Go pound sand, whatever you need to say. Okay, all right. Oh, okay, I am going over I’m so sorry. I will get to the questions I promise. Okay, flashbacks you’re going to have flashbacks. And those will feel as if they’re happening in the here in the now so that’s because the amygdala so remember, the amygdala cannot tell the difference between past, present, future so when the amygdala gets triggered it’s all here now, here now, here now and you have to breathe, and you have to take good care of yourself and you have to remind yourself that you’re safe that you’re okay that everything’s all right there’s just a memory it cannot hurt you. So yeah, super important. Get with a good trauma therapist. Absolutely. Okay, hang on. Like I need to get different contacts, I swear to God, all right. Um, intense or prolonged psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues, which are triggers. Yeah. So, triggers, triggers, triggers, triggers. And then we can become avoidant. So, like, some people, they go through a horrific relationship, they swear off dating, they swear off ever getting married again, they swear off ever having a relationship they swear off… avoidance because they’re terrified and I don’t blame them. However, you want to work through that, you know, if you’re doing it from a conscious choice of You know what, I’ve had the experience, I really don’t want it again, okay, that’s fine. But if you’re doing it out of fear, that needs to be worked on because that’s, that’s avoidance. Does that make sense? Okay, so there’s that okay, persistent…oh my God I need to get different glasses. Okay, mood swings, negative alterations in cognition and moods associated with traumatic events beginning or worsening after the traumatic events, inability to remember an important aspect of the trauma Yeah, very common with all of us. persistent and exaggerated negative beliefs about oneself or others. So, we often come out of the relationship believing that we’re the problem that we’re the bad one that we’re the one that’s you know, it’s me, it’s me, it’s me and it’s like no it’s them, it’s them, it’s you know, it’s like there was nothing you could have done to change the outcome of this it was doomed from the start so um, persistent distorted cognitions about the cause or consequences of trauma traumatic events that leads the individual to blame him or herself that’s what we do. So, this is part of PTSD guys, Does this sound familiar to everybody? Oh, sounds familiar to me. Um, markedly diminished interest in participating and select significant activities. So, when we have an abuser that is suddenly damning us you know, for the very things that they used to praise us for we will stop doing those things for a very, very, very long time. Until we get our certainty back and realize hey, I enjoy doing this Hey, it’s okay for me to have a sense of humor Hey, it’s okay for me to succeed Hey, it’s okay for me to fill in the blank. So yeah, that’s it’s absolutely normal that we kind of stopped doing everything we like. Experience inability to experience positive emotions depressed, depressed, we feel depressed we feel detached we feel isolated because they did isolate us and often times we feel like nobody else is gonna get it or nobody else will believe us because of the flying monkeys, whatever family issues were going on, etc, etc. Um, okay, hold on. I’m gonna maybe I should break this up into two. I don’t know. Um, irritable behavior, angry outbursts. Yes, a lot of us suffer from a lot of anger issues, especially if we had parents that were abusive, and we were severely punished as kids. Reckless or self destructive behaviors. that often happens hyper vigilance. hyper vigilance is we are constantly looking for danger. periscope is stuck in the up position and it never comes down. It’s like Danger, danger, danger, danger, danger, danger, danger, danger, danger danger. I tend to do that. So yeah, it’s I always look at my surroundings. I always look to see where the nearest exit is. I’m always you know, you know, especially if somebody is being belligerent or on you know, just acting like an abuser, you know, gaslighting, yelling, screaming, name calling, etc. I’m always like, okay, and time to go, blah, blah, you know, exaggerated startle response problems with concentration sleep disturbances. Oh, yeah. If If dealing with somebody who is abusive, yeah, you’re going to have sleep disturbances because first of all, they wouldn’t want to sleep and second of all, rumination, rumination, rumination, that that amygdala is going and then engages the adrenal gland and we are just ready to go at a moment’s notice. Yeah, you betcha. Ah. Okay.
Kris Godinez 34:56
I think that is pretty much so, In conclusion, thank you for coming to my TED Talk. CPTSD has got a whole bunch of symptoms that are normal for an abnormal situation you’re not crazy, you’re not wrong, you’re not anything other than coming out of abuse and dealing with all of the trauma, bonding, trauma bond and trauma bond positive rewards intermittent positive rewards. So, you’re not crazy. It’s like the not remembering stuff. Totally normal for victims of abuse. I hate that word, victim trauma targets, okay? Being hyper vigilant, startle response, that’s totally normal, dissociated, totally normal, you know, because we’ve been so abused. So, my suggestion would be is get with a really good trauma therapist that gets this stuff that is not going to poopoo you if they poopoo you, you fire them, you fire them, if they’re like, Oh, you know, you’re not progressing fast enough, or you’re not bababa and it’s been like three weeks fire that get somebody else. The therapies that work really well with trauma CBT DBT, EFT Emotional Freedom therapy, emotional freedom therapies. motional. Freedom therapy. Yeah, that’s the tapping. That’s the tapping. So EMDR EMDR can help as well. Remember, this is a long process, though, you’re not just going to dive in there and one or two sessions later, you’re going to be like, zippity doo dah, be great. If you were, that’d be awesome. But it’s going to take time, and it’s gonna, it’s like peeling the layers of an onion, you’ve got to peel back the layers. So okay, start from the present moment, then work back, if that’s what works, or some people start with the family of origin and work forward. Whichever way works, I don’t care. As long as we get there. That’s really all I care about. So you got to start peeling the layers peeling the layers who, what, when, where, how long, you know, and how can I protect myself? How do I make myself bulletproof? How do I keep this from happening again, oh, I need to fix my picker, oh, I need to work on family of origin. Okay, I need to make sure that my inner child is safe. And it allows me to be the adult and they can be the inner child and go have fun. You know, so that is all of that going on. And this is what makes me so angry is that people don’t realize how much is going on in our heads when we come out of an abusive relationship. It’s not as simple as Okay, I’ve left them and everything’s great or Okay, I moved out of this job that was horrible with an abusive boss, and everything’s great. I mean, yeah, it’d be lovely if that were the case. But no, there’s after effects. There is everything that we need to deal with the trauma, the things that were said to us the things that were done to us. The lies the manipulation, the smear campaign, the you know, all of this, how they took who we are, twisted it, and then threw it against us at the end when they did the devalue in the discard.
Kris Godinez 37:48
You know what I’m saying? So yeah, so there’s all of this that we need to work on. And it’s, it’s heavy, it’s scary it is, but it is so worth it. You guys listen to me. Now Believe me later you do this work, you make yourself bulletproof, you fix your picker, so that you’re picking somebody, not your inner child. And you won’t have to deal with these bozos ever again, because you’ll recognize them you’ll be unconsciously competent, because you’ll be like, Oh, I recognize that emotion nope, you know, or that lack of emotion. Nope. Or that abusive behavior? Nope. Do you see where I’m going with that, and you’ll start picking healthier people to be in your life. So, another thing that people don’t necessarily tell people that they’re coming out of these abusive relationships is it is scary because as you become healthier, you start weeding out the toxic people you won’t have time or tolerance for it. I certainly don’t. And in the beginning, it can feel very lonely because you’re suddenly getting rid of all these people you’ve known for a very, very, very, very long time but you are realizing are incredibly toxic. So, it’s a matter of self esteem. Okay “Self Esteem Workbook” by Glenn Shirley or “You Are A Badass” by Jensen, Sincero. I love both those books. “Disease to Please” by Harriet Braiker or “Codependent No More and “Beyond Codependent No More” by Melanie Beatty. Pete Walker’s book “CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving” by Pete Walker “Inner Child Workbook by Katherine Taylor. These are all musts. Get with a good therapist if you can. Because if you’re going to need that support, you’re going to need somebody to validate you and go “Yeah, this is normal for an abnormal situation.” Yes, this is what PTSD is. Yes, this is why you’re having memory loss. Yes, this is why you can’t concentrate. Yes, this is why this…do you see where I’m going with that because we come out of it and we feel crazy. I mean, we’ve it’s like the movie “Gaslighting.” You know, it’s like am I crazy is like no, you’re not because this is all to be expected with coming out of an abusive relationship and especially having to work through the cognitive dissonance and really come to grips with the fact that no this person was abusive. They did not have your best interest at heart. Yes, they did this on purpose no they will never get better that’s hard one to to really wrap your head around because we love and we want everybody to be okay and that, God bless us, is what sets us apart from abusers so okay let’s dive into the questions already that oh I don’t need these. Oh, boy all right um do Narcissus kill pets to get revenge oh hell yes. Oh em gee if you have got a pet my suggestion would be to get it out of there as quickly and quietly as possible either to a rescue or to somebody who can foster it or whatever and it depends on the state because now again we’re dealing with courts of law in some states they are considered community property and other states are considered personal you know emotional support animals look at your state laws figure out what you need to do but if you think your narcissist is going to get revenge by killing your pet Get the hell out get that pet out of the situation. Yes, absolutely. They absolutely will do that you bet they’re vindictiveness and their sadisticness I don’t even know if that’s a word but it is now; knowns no bounds, like literally, knows no bounds. The Geneva Convention does not apply to these people they don’t see anything wrong with doing anything to hurt you. And in fact, that is their goal. They want to hurt you to the core, to the core they want to terrify you to the core, they want to control you to the core! Most of us have pets, most of us love pets, most of us treat our pets as if they were a member of the family because they are! And a narcissist knows that and they are going to use that against us so you got to get the pet out of there and you know one suggestion I had was oops The gate was left open when in reality you took it to a foster care or you took it to a rescue so that you know the pet is safe you know and yes you may have to say goodbye to that pet but it would be better to say goodbye to that pet knowing that pet is taken care of as opposed to they kill it you know and sometimes they do it so that the kids find the pet because they’re
Kris Godinez 42:15
mother cluckers Yeah, is the nicest thing I can say and from there it really goes into a bunch of four letter words so Alright, yeah, they do do that. Um, okay, where’s my where’s my cursor here? Is it boundary crossing when somebody wants to tell you what you feel or what you have? Yeah. When somebody walks up is okay so the classic example of that is a narcissistic parent usually a narcissistic mother, who’s grocery shopping with the kids or narcissistic father they do this too grocery shopping with the kids. And the kid says Mommy, mommy Daddy, Daddy, I want whatever it is they see right? Because you know how kids are in the grocery store they’re like, but I want this toy or I want this candy bar or whatever. Well instead of giving him the correct answer, which would be I know you want it right now. However, we are not going to get it right now. So no, the answer’s no. Right so quite plain simple clear communication. I do this with my great nieces all the time. It’s like no we are not going to get that right now. But we’ll talk about it when we get home perhaps we will get it at a later date but we’ll need to talk about it. So that’s clear that’s you know, and the kid could continue but usually they don’t when you give them a straight answer they usually kind of got to go oh well it’s not the answer I want But okay, you know um, what I see narcissistic parents do though is you don’t want that you don’t feel that you don’t want that this is the same thing as when the child is crying and the parent walks up to them and slaps him and says I’ll give you something to cry about as if what they were crying about was not real so yeah total boundary crossing to be like oh you’re feeling this you’re feeling that you know or you you want this you want that you don’t want this you don’t want that no, that’s that’s all them. That’s protection. That is projection. So yeah, that is boundary crossing. Um, how do we try to replace the highs that we got from the narc self esteem self esteem mirror work Hi, good to see you have a great day. I give you permission to like yourself look at you look fabulous. Oh my goodness, have a fabulous day and then walk out. You start giving yourself those positive affirmations you start reminding yourself that you’re worthy of that and you don’t need it from somebody else. You just need it from you. So again, people are like, Oh my god, I can’t say nice things to myself. That’s not okay. According to who according to the narcissist?
Kris Godinez 44:35
No, thank you. You know what I’m saying you have the right to like yourself. That’s how humans healthy humans get through life is by actually liking themselves. We come into this world alone. We go out of this world alone and in the meantime, we are with ourselves 100% of the time. Wouldn’t it be nice if we liked ourselves this whole time? Hello. Do that. Work on that work on loving yourself. That is the best way that you can get the highs You missed from the narcissist because you’re never gonna find them with another person guys it doesn’t remain outside of you self esteem is inside of you it’s just that little voice going I love you keep going I like it yeah you’re great keep got you know nice kind gentle cheerleader, not the internal critic. The internal critic is the abusers voice the internal critic is the one that goes not good enough not good enough not good enough. Not good enough. Why’d you say that? Would you do that? Oh my god. What if What if What if thank you for your input? Shut the Bleep up. Why? Because you say so, you’re the boss of this. This is not the boss of you. I am good enough and I am not going to live in a future that has not happened yet. Why? Cuz I say so. I’m the boss. You got to get tough with it. You do? You got to get tough with it. Okay, uh, after decades with my narc that always rubbed mistakes in my face I have intrusive memories and mistakes and embarrassments oh my god they all do this Oh, this is another one of those out of the handbook things seriously you’re not wrong I’m what do you do to get over that talk, talk back to them and write and burn letters? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So you do the mirror work. You know what it’s like I’m gonna make mistakes you know what? So what? As long as I learned from them who cares? Seriously! Narcissists, alcoholics demand perfection they do! Everybody has to be perfect! Everybody has to be perfect! You have to do that perfectly! How dare you make a mistake! I’m perfect! My doodoo doesn’t stink! That is literally how they think and they will rub the nose in anyone’s you know rub rub the kid’s face and nose in the in the dirt when they’ve done something wrong. When in fact the abuser does things wrong on a daily damn basis and if you call them out on it, what do they do? They punish you! So, yeah, so what you have to do is you have to remind yourself you are human you do not walk on water unless it is frozen. And guess what? Making mistakes is how we learn! How does a baby learn how to walk? It falls a lot! Occasionally hitting its head Oh my God, I don’t miss those days. Anyway, so anyway, so but you can’t be a helicopter parents that doesn’t allow them to make the mistake. Okay, great. You pick up Okay, you got it, you find your balance good go. Because if you never let that kid make a mistake, they’re never going to learn. Or they’re going to sit there and beat themselves up. And I used to do that all the time. My dad was horrible about that. So yeah, I used to beat myself up all the time. So, what I started doing was mirror work. Self Esteem work and putting it back on the abuser Pete Walker’s CPTSD From Surviving To Thriving, I think it’s chapter three, where he talks about putting the shame. And that’s shaming, by the way, shame, blame guilt back onto the abuser, because that’s where it belongs. This ain’t yours. This is not your luggage, put it back on the carousel it ain’t yours. So yeah, absolutely. Okay, how do I help myself as a minor? Currently, who doesn’t have access to a therapist who specializes in CPTSD or narcissistic abuse, I’m 17. Oh, boy, I live with my mom. And I don’t have a job. Oh, if you are in school, try to get with a counselor there. Although I don’t know, legally, how much they can do. You could try to talk to a social worker. If you’re 17, you’re getting close, you could ask for emancipation. So, emancipation is where you go to the judge. And you would need a job though, because you’d have to prove that you can support yourself.
Kris Godinez 48:23
Okay, get books, get books, get the books, I recommend, get the books I recommend. And then the second you turn 18 there’s not a damn thing they can do about it. Go and still go get help. Yeah, but get the books, but you’re gonna have to hide the book. So I would suggest getting them on Kindle or on your phone so that, you know, they don’t realize that you’re actually helping yourself. So yeah, that’s one thing you can do. You can get the books and you can start helping yourself. So and then as soon as you turn 18 get a job. Yeah, and go get help. Okay, um, what makes this so universal? Is it just evil? I can’t believe, I can’t believe that Kris does not know us. And she’s naming all sorts of things. I’ve experienced. Now there’s a question. So, what makes it universal? Well, there are some schools of thought on this. Is that a spiritual issue? I think so. I do. Because what they do is evil. Um, but that’s a religious topic. That’s and I’m not a religious expert. I’m as you know, psychology type of person. So, what makes it universal? It is a disorder, and there are identifiable behaviors that they do. So that makes it a disorder. It’s like it’s in every single case. So, they do the same things. They absolutely do the same things. And it all progresses in the same way that any disease would or any disorder would so but is there a spiritual aspect to it? I think there is absolutely! You cannot have that level of sadism and that level of disregard for someone’s well being and not be not spiritually damaged. Does that make sense? Were there too many negatives in there? There might have been too many negatives. But anyway, that’s yeah, it’s the same no matter where you are in the world, no matter where you are in the world, no matter what your culture is, no matter what your language is, it’s all the same progression. So yeah, it is kind of trippy and freaky and everything. Um, how do I accept the abuse for what was I’m eight years free, and I’m still struggling to accept the severity of it, I tend to minimize that’s that’s the problem by saying others have it much worse. Stop, guys, stop! Perception is everything. So, what somebody else had it worse, you had it bad, obviously, you know what I’m saying. It’s like, don’t minimize it, acknowledge it. So, write it out, write it out, dear universe, or dear abusers, or whatever the good, the bad, the ugly, the horrific. And at the very, very end, you say everything you ever wanted to say to them, but do not send it! Listen to me now, believe me later! Do not send this! This letter is just for you. It’s not going to do any good to send it to them. And all it’s going to do is give them ammunition to treat you like crap. So, what you’re going to do is you’re going to write it out, say everything you need to say to them and you’re going to trot it out to the barbecue and you’re going to burn it and let it go. It is what it is. And eight years. You need to be over this now. Because that’s way too long to be ruminating. So, three years. Yes, I can understand four years, maybe eight years get with a good trauma therapist. What are you not holding? What are you not letting go of? And here’s something else. I noticed and thank God for my therapist that pointed this out to me. Lo these many years ago. I was so angry at my dad, so angry my dad, I was angry all the damn time. Like literally all the time. Like if I was happy this is Kris happy or this is Kris sad, or this is Kris relaxing. You know, I was just angry. My therapist finally like why are you so still angry at your dad? I wonder and she posed it as question. I wonder if you’re doing this to try to keep him alive because he’d been dead at this point. To try to keep him alive so that you can fix him. At that point I burst into tears because that was the truth. I was angry at him that he had died. I was angry at him that he died unconscious. I don’t mean unconscious as in physically unconscious I mean like lights on, engine is running, nobody’s home. I was angry that I couldn’t fix him. I was angry that I couldn’t save him you know and keeping him in my mind and angry at him was a way that I could keep him close so that I could try to figure out how to fix it. Oh Mind blown at that point and you know I just was like in tears sobbing and she’s like, I think we found the root. Yes, we did.
Kris Godinez 52:44
So yeah, and from that point on it was kind of like okay, where’s this anger coming? Oh, I’m sad. Oh, I’m hurt because remember when I was growing up that was not safe. The softer emotions are not safe. With an abuser you cannot be vulnerable you cannot be sad. You cannot be anything other than what the abuser wants or they will go for the jugular and my dad did that. So yeah, so you want to take a look at you know, it was what it was. So, there’s a great book. Oh, there’s so many great books Collin Tipping God love him. I wish he was still alive. Collin Tipping has a series of books on forgiveness. So there is Radical Forgiveness. Radical Self Forgiveness by Collin Tipping. There’s also Tara Brock’s Radical Acceptance. It is what it is. It’s in the past. Can you do anything about it? No. What can you do now? Well, you can live your best life and honestly, you really want to give the middle finger to these Mother cluckers! What you want to do is you want to live so well. The best revenge is to live well and to leave them in the dirt. They want to live in your head rent free. Evict them! They have no business living in your head it’s again it’s kind of like you have no power here Satan, get out! You know leave! That kind of thing. You know what I’m saying? It’s kind of the same thing. It’s like nope, you don’t get to live in my head rent free. You did this to me, you did this to me, you did this to me, you did this to me, you know and then you say exactly what you think they are and everything you need to say to them, trot it out to the barbecue, read it out loud once and just evict them I evict you I send you to the universe I send you to God I send you to whatever but you are not allowed to stay here you have no power here. And then every time they pop up in your head you’re gonna do thought stopping thought stopping so boom, they pop up in your head. Oh, isn’t that interesting? Coming to visit? Well, I hear you and I see you and I am not inviting you in for coffee. Nor am I going to resist you. Because when we resist a thought that’s all we think about you know, oh, I don’t want to think that! I’m not thinking about that! I’m not thinking about that! What am I thinking about the whole time? That thought! So you don’t want to resist it. You also do not want to invite it in for coffee because it will stay for lunch. You’re just gonna go huh? I hear you. I see you and I am not playing buh bye write when you get work. Bye bye bye now Bye bye. And you’re gonna have to do that multiple times a day, so stop giving them the power. You’re the one now that’s giving your power away, stop it. You need your power, you need to go live your best life you need to go just be awesomely happy. That’s what you want. Okay, let’s see if there’s any other questions. Okay. How do you help a sibling who is adopted? Who hmm the abusers behavior Okay, so there’s two possibilities of what’s going on and of course I don’t have them in front of me so I don’t know. But when somebody adopts abusive behaviors there’s two possibilities one they are an abuser and oh my god runs you don’t walk to the nearest exit or they have picked up a bunch of fleas bad behaviors from the abuser and they don’t they’re not quite conscious that they’re doing it so if it is the fleas there is a possibility of helping them if it is they are an abuser, they will not work on themselves. So you could say is like, Hmm, this behavior Did you like it when mom and dad did it because this kind of reminds me a mom and dad. Now when you point out to somebody that they’re behaving like an abuser, they are probably going to get very pissed off at you because the truth will set you free right after it pisses you off. But then if they’re really willing to work on it, they’ll be curious and want to investigate and figure out how to stop that behavior because it does not. It does not help them. So yeah, so there’s that. Alright kids, that’s it. Have a great week and I will talk to you where the heck is my cursor? There it is. Alright, I will talk to you later. Bye.
Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Chris godinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.
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