We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez

04-10-2022 Future Faking Ourselves
In this episode of We Need To Talk With Kris Godinez, Kris discusses how we keep ourselves unhappy living in “I’ll be happy when...” as opposed to enjoying the current moment!

Kris Godinez  00:02

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Okay, today’s topic is future faking ourselves how, why what, why do we do that? So, let’s first of all, let’s talk about what future faking is. Future faking is when an abuser, whether that’s a parental unit, or a romantic partner, or whatever, starts talking about a future, that’s never gonna happen. So, I think we get this future faking when we were raised by narcissists, seriously. So let me give you a couple of really great samples. Narcissists are chronically, acutely and chronically unhappy. They are never in the present moment; they can never just enjoy the present moment. They’re always like, it’s not good enough. It’s not good enough. It’s not good. No, well, I’ll be happy when… I’ll be happy if… I’ll be happy…. You know, so it’s like they could be somewhere amazingly beautiful, and still think it is a horrible experience. They’re the only persons I know that can look at something gorgeous and find something horrible in it. And that’s what they do. And they try to ruin it for everybody else around them. One of the great examples I can give you.

Kris Godinez  02:18

And this is back in the day, when I was really young, I backpacked across Europe when I was 18. And I was in Paris, and I was just in love because it was like, you know, Paris, right? And so, I’m walking around and I’m just in love with everything. I’m just like, oh, oh my god, I’m breathing in French Air. Oh my god, the dogs are barking in French. This is so cool. I was thrilled. That’s awesome. And then this nasty old woman is down the street. And she’s just complaining and loudly. American, of course, loudly complaining, loudly complaining and I said “Hey, is there anything I can help you with? You seem really upset.” And she just went on and on about everything she could think of that was wrong with Paris, and I’m sitting here going you cray cray? I gave her a simple. I’m sorry, you’re having a bad day. And I just kept going. And I decided to keep with my, you know, the flowers smell French, the air is French. The dogs are barking in French. This is awesome. I wasn’t about to let her ruin my day. The point I’m trying to make is how we think it, is how it turns out. This woman had already decided that she was going to have a crappy day.

So, do you remember how I talked about when you wake up and you do the mirror talk? Because how many times do we wake up in the morning, and we go oh my god, it’s gonna be a crappy day. And then it is a crappy day. Why? Because we’ve told our subconscious that’s what we want. Okay, so the subconscious sets about to make that happen. Remember the story about the actor who was terrified of falling on stage, and then they fell, because our subconscious creates our worst fear happening so we don’t have to worry about it anymore. And let me say that, again, our subconscious creates our worst fear happening so that we don’t have to worry about it anymore. So, you got to be really careful what you think, seriously.

So this woman had already decided that she was going to have a crappy trip, that she hated Paris and that it was dirty and it was this it was that… every city, every city I’ve ever gone to has got dirt. Come on. Hello. So, you know she already decided it was it was crappy. So, another example I can give you how to change attitude. So, I have a friend Marsha, Marsha Diane, she’s a painter, and I asked her to do a painting of St. Michael for me because St. Michael is my dude, you know, he’s got the sword and he goes after evil and I really love that. And so, um, you know, telling her what I want and what the aspects I want and she was like I am so nervous. They said why? And she was like, well, you’re my friend and I don’t want you to not like it. I’m like Marsha, I’ve already decided, I’m going to love this. It’s a done deal. I’ve already decided I love the painting, and I haven’t even seen it. And I did. You know, so it really is a matter of mindset. So, what narcissists teach us is to not stay in the present moment and to not enjoy the present moment. Now, that’s not saying that every single moment of every single day is going to be up. skippity do Daw day. It’s not. I mean, like, for example, I’ve been having this cold since Wednesday, I’ve been having like a low-grade fever, and it’s been a snot-filled week.

Kris Godinez  05:39

Have I been like Zippity do dah? No! I just state what is and what is is that it’s not filled week and I’m not really having a whole lot of fun. However, I am not going to allow that to color every single aspect of my day. There’s still a lot of cool things happening. For example, John is awesome. Thank you, John, for taking care of me. You know, we’ve been watching ghosts, the BBC that that British version of ghosts, which is awesome. If you haven’t seen it, I haven’t seen the American one. I want to see the American one to contrast and compare. But the BBC One is it BBC. Is it BBC, the British one? The British one is hysterical. If you have not seen ghosts, it’s on HBO, I think. And my favorite character is Robin the Neanderthal. He’s just adorable. And I love him. Anyway, you know, you can take moments and enjoy that.

Narcissists can’t narcissist… It’s remember, they’ve got this splitting thing going on. And they teach us that they teach us all nothing, good, bad, black, white. So, it has to be all bad or all good. It’s like, okay, um, daily life is a plethora of colors. It’s a plethora of emotions. Like earlier today, as I was getting my tea John was like, What are you doing? I’m like a moaning. You know what I was like, moving on my way to get my tea. Because I was not now because I don’t feel good. But you know, I’m not allowing that to stop me from doing this. And I’m not allowing that to color the rest of my day. It’s just I have moments of going. Don’t feel too good. But you know what, it’s this too shall pass. You know? But narcissistic parents don’t do that. Remember, they suffer from splitting on nothing, good, bad, black, white. And they tend to teach the kids that so something that my dad did, and I talk about it in this book, what’s wrong with your dad? He would constantly do things like, Oh, I’ll be happy when everybody graduates and moves out of the house. Okay, well, my sister left home at 14 They sent her away to an academy, a boarding school, which I think is horrific. And then I left home at 17 because I was like, up and more crazy. So everybody was out of the house. By the time I was 17. But yet my dad was still sitting there going, Oh, well, um, I’ll be happy when you graduate from college. But yet he tried to sabotage me graduating from college. And of course, he didn’t really support me. My mom did. And I worked all through college to make sure I had enough money. And then, and then it was like, Oh, well, I’ll be happy when I retire. And I can’t retire. Because of you Oh, really? Well, I’ve been out of the house since I was 17. So why can’t you retire? So, they constantly come up with these, I’ll be happy when I’ll be happy if, I’ll be happy. You know, when this event happens, he could have retired at any time he chose not to. The man died when I was 31. So I’d been out of the house for I can’t even do math don’t even think anyway, it’s a long time, over 10 years, you know, and so it’s like he could have retired, he could have traveled he talked about visiting revisiting His glory days, World War Two. Apparently, he liked killing people. So because it’s all he talked about. Anyway, he wanted to visit Rabal, he wanted to go back to the South Pacific and he never did. And he could have he absolutely could have at any point in time. And he chose not to instead, he sat there miserable, with a house that was half torn apart because he decided to punish my mom by not finishing a renovation. It’s in the book, trust me. It’s a long story, read it in the book. Um, and so he sat there miserable, and came up with excuses why he couldn’t do stuff. And that’s just it. It’s all just excuses. They could at any time you happy they choose not to. And so, it’s the I’ll be happy when I’ll be happy if and so that unfortunately then translates to the children and we learn that behavior it’s a flea. It’s a squish it but it’s a little an off, it’s a flea.

Kris Godinez  10:04

And so we get that, oh, I’ll be happy when this happens, I’ll be happy when I get the promotion. I’ll be happy. When I have the big wedding, I’ll be happy. When the kids graduate, I’ll be happy. When I’m retired, I’ll be happy. Well, guess what, guys, I’ll be happy when… never comes never. Because then it’s always the next big thing. What the narcissist teaches us to do is delay, delay, delay, delay, delay. And then once that happiness comes, it’s, it’s almost like a, I’m gonna explain this, like a meth high or cocaine high for a few minutes. And then immediately, that inner critic that weirdness in our brain starts going, well, this isn’t good enough. Well, what’s next? Well, what’s next? Well, what’s next? Instead of enjoying the present moment? And so, we never allow ourselves to just relax into the present moment and be like, yeah, man, this is cool. Like, this is great.

You know. So, you know, it’s kind of like, when John and I go on vacation, we went to Tahiti a few years ago, before the stupid pandemic started. I loved it. I loved every moment of that vacation, because I could sit on a beach and stare out over the ocean. And it looked just like Moana it did it had the reef. It had the waves crashing out, and you’re like, Oh, my God, I see where they wrote this from. And there were dogs everywhere. I mean, that’s my idea of the perfect vacation is a beach with a dog. And that’s it. And I just enjoyed the present moment. But there like I said, there were tourists there that were like, well, what’s next? Well, what’s next? Well, I’m like, sit down, shut the hell up and enjoy the beach, Jesus Christ. You know, I mean, it’s just oh my god. Anyway, the point being is, our abusers don’t live in the moment because they can’t stand what’s going on in their head that they also don’t want to acknowledge what’s going on in their head. And they’re not about to work on what’s going on in their head. So, they’re constantly looking for the next high. What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? What’s gonna make me happy? What’s gonna make me happy? Well, nothing makes them happy, because they’ve decided not to be happy. And they’re jerks. So, and it’s never going to change. So, they teach their kids us to be like, what’s next? What’s next? What’s next? And so we learn to not live in what is now, what is going on now. What is the temperature? Right now? What’s right in front of us, right now? What are we doing? Right now? What are we thinking? Right now? Are we giving ourselves permission to be happy? Hello it’s okay. I give you permission. It’s okay. You know, and that is something that we learned. This is a learned behavior. This is a flea. So, the I’ll the happy when… I’ll be happy if, I’ll be happy if this thing happens… is an illusion. You’re either happy in the here and now. Or you’re never going to be happy. And even when things are crappy, like you know, obviously sick not feeling good. You find the moments when you are happy, and feeling okay. And you run with them. And you realize, okay, this too shall pass, it’s not going to last forever, there’s a way out, this is going to get better. And then you take the steps to make sure it gets better like drinking incredibly hot tea. Yes.

Kris Godinez  13:36

So that is where we get that not living in the present moment, not staying in the present moment, not enjoying the present moment. And or intentionally looking for things to be pissed off about. That’s the other thing that abusers do is that they look for ways to ruin or destroy a perfectly perfect moment. Seriously, like I said, like the woman in Paris who was just, you know, oh, it’s filthy, it’s dirty, and like you’re in a city biotch get with the program Jesus, you know, so, um, if you can, you will be able to find beauty in dog doo doo. And that’s a beautiful state to be in. Seriously.

So this all goes back to existentialism, in a way, because and finding meaning and purpose. Because somebody had asked me that they’re like, Well, I’ve done all this traveling and I’m bored and I don’t find meaning and I don’t find purpose. Well, you’ve got to make your own meaning you got to make your own purpose. When I travel. My whole goal is to not think that’s it I just want to sit my ass on a beach and look out over the ocean and pet a dog. That’s it. That’s that’s my goal, and I’m happy. And eat good food. Yeah. So you know, it’s setting the intention. It’s like having purpose means that you need to set what your purpose is. The other times when I travel my intention my mindset is to meet new people, try new foods, experience new cultures, because it makes me happy. I like it. You know, it’s exciting to go try new foods and meet new people and hear about their lives and see what they’re doing. Meeting new people. That’s my whole purpose. And I’m never disappointed because it’s like, okay, I get to go meet new people, and I get to eat new food. And this is awesome, you know what I’m saying? So really, it’s setting the intention, it is existentialism in a way.

So Viktor Frankl survived the Holocaust. And he wrote a great book called Man’s Search for Meaning, he had to find meaning in the meaningless, like, you know, concentration camp meaningless. And he had to find meaning and all of the death and the destruction and the horrors that he went through, or he was not going to make it out in one piece, does that make sense? So, for us, finding meaning in our abuse, finding meaning in our lives is hugely important. And this has to do with happiness, it is a choice. It is. So, for example, you can be in a really bad situation, right? And you can acknowledge that this is a really bad situation, absolutely. But you make the best of what you can with it. Otherwise, you will find yourself going crazy. And you don’t want that. And narcissists are adept at trying to ruin things. I mean, they, they ruin birthdays, they ruin holidays, they ruin anniversaries, they want to ruin it for us. So, we got this message very subconsciously, I think somehow, that having fun, and being okay, and enjoying ourselves is not okay. And we got that from the abuser. So, then we started adopting the abusers thing about we’ll I’ll be, excuse me, I’ll be happy when… I’ll be happy if… I’ll be happy in the future. I’ll be happy. No, guys, be happy in the here and now. No matter what’s going on. Yes, you’re gonna have moments of having an absolute fit, trust me, it’s going to happen. But as soon as you can right yourself and be like, Okay, what is good? What is right, what is beautiful in this moment, right here, right now. You know, you find the beauty, you find the purpose, you find the meaning. And you keep updating that however you need to, you know what I’m saying? So, I wanted to read some articles on psychology today. And there was a whole bunch of them that I really like, Okay, this is by Mel Schwartz, who is a licensed social worker.

Kris Godinez  17:49

I’ll be happy when unravel the mythology of happiness, and a genuine pathway towards that end. So he lists all of that, I’ll be happy, when I fall in love, I’ll be happy when I get married, I’ll be happy when I have the dream house, I’ll be happy when I can furnish the house. And then I’ll be happy when we have children, I’ll be happy when we’re older. I’ll be happy when I retired. And basically what it’s saying is, okay, you’re pursuing an illusion, those events are so dearly waited for. And they only provide temporary excitement. And we’re going to talk about that. And then they start retreating to the ordinary and we stop appreciating them. So if and then we replace them with the next fantasy of happiness. Happiness can only occur at the moment that you’re in and only can only be sustained by developing a nurturing relationship with yourself. And hopefully, others staying in the present moment, loving yourself. The ultimate source of happiness lies in the quality of your thoughts, our thoughts, our most intimate or our most intimate relationship and will impact our lives far more than any other relationship. In fact, our relations with others are to an extent but a reflection of our own quality of our thoughts. So what we seek there is an illusion, it’s icing on the cake. It’s not the real meat and potatoes. So really what it is, is how happy are you with yourself? How happy are you looking in the mirror and saying hi, good to see you. I like you. It’s okay to be happy.

Kris Godinez  19:28

Giving yourself permission because if you remember our abusers especially if they were, you know, parental abusers not okay to be happy. If we were happy, they would ruin it. I can’t tell you the number of times that we had family get togethers and my dad would end up hitting me because he was angry, not me, not because of something I said, but because everything was too happy and too calm and he had to ruin it. So, we get that message very quickly from our childhood experience. It says being happy is not okay, you got to undo that. You got to untie those knots, and re tie them in a pretty bow that says it’s okay to be happy. So that’s what we get from our abuser.

And if you’re with a narcissistic romantic partner, what do they do? They devalue. anniversaries, birthdays, special days, things that make you happy, or things that you should be really proud of yourself for? And they tell you Oh, it’s not good enough. Oh, it’s not a big deal. Do you see where I’m going with that? We’ll I’ll be, you know, I’ll praise you when you do this, I’ll praise you, when you get this promotion, that promotion comes they I’ll praise you…. And they raise the bar to the next level. So, it’s an illusion, it’s a game, it’s, it’s BS, don’t fall for it. Your happiness is valuable. Your happiness is in the here and now not in the future. Not in the What If so, the I’ll be happy when is a variation of what if? What if? What if What if living in a future that has not happened yet. It’s a variation of what if? What if What if living in a future that has not happened yet. And then when that future does happen? Are you going to be able to allow yourself to enjoy it and just soak it in? Is it gonna be okay? Or are you or is that little inner critic because that’s what it is. It’s part of the inner critic, pops up and goes, well, what’s next? What’s next? This isn’t good enough. What’s next?  Thank you for your input. Shut the bleep up. Why? Because you say so. Guess what? I get to enjoy this moment. And sometimes I still have to do that to myself.

Kris Godinez  21:40

I have to sit there and go. Okay, thank you, inner critic. Thank you for that lovely thought about what’s next. Guess what? I am enjoying this beach with this dog and that sunset. Go pound sand. Buh bye. Do you see where I’m going with that. And you may have to do that repeatedly. And it might happen the rest of your life. Because we are still always going to be dealing with the inner critic, triggers, etc. It’s just that we’re better able to deal with them.

Somebody asked me the other day, it’s like, well, what do you mean, I’m gonna have to do this as a lifelong journey. This is a lifelong journey. We don’t forget what happened to us. We’re just better able to cope with what happened to us. So instead of allowing that thought to ruin the moment, you’re able to go Yeah, I hear you and see you. Nope, not playing. And you’re able to get back to enjoying the current moment. You know what I’m saying? And it’s just like with triggers, I still get triggered I‘m 57 years old. I’ve been dealing with this my entire life, I still get triggered. But when I get triggered, I generally don’t go into a full-blown panic attack, although sometimes that still does happen. But at least I’m better able equipped to deal with it. You know what I’m saying? I’m better able to go. Okay, there’s the panic attack. Okay, breathe. Okay. All right. Okay, okay. I’m safe. I’m okay. Everything’s fine. Whew. I’m safe. I’m okay. Do you see where I’m going? I’ve got the tools now. So it doesn’t mean that you do the work on yourself and suddenly everything is gone. No, it’s still there. It’s just that when you get triggered it’s a little less, less, less.

Okay to other articles. Okay, this other one is written by it’s also on Psychology Today I’ll I will finally be happy when by Sheree Pagato PhD. And she says one of the most troubling mental traps that I’ve observed in people is I won’t be truly happy until… so usually it’s with weight or getting married or whatever. So basically, here’s an exercise to try to undo this. Write down the moments in the past week in which you were the happiest if you aren’t sure. Keep track for a week, by making a note of what you were doing. Every time you were really enjoying yourself and feeling good about something. Be sure not to count what I call delay cost activities. These are activities that are enjoyable in the moment but have a cost that comes later. Having a huge celebratory meal that sets you back 2000 calories playing a video game at work to avoid getting things done, drinking too much. You know things like that. Start paying attention to when you feel happy, like really happy. And it’s amazing to me because kids are so great at this, they’ll get lost in looking at a flower. They’ll get lost in you know watching bugs and they’ll just be in that moment. That is what we want to get back to. We want to get back to that present moment. When I feel happy it’s going to be funny when I first started tracking like like a gratitude journal or happiness journal or whatever. Is like sunrises. I love sunrises. I freakin love sunrise. I love sunsets too. But I love sunrises and I think the reason why is because sunrises represent kind of like a new day. I wonder what’s going on where the Sun is rising first. You know, I, and I do silly things like I look up in the air and I see airplanes. And if I see an airplane, my first thought is, Oh, I wonder what adventures they’re going on? Oh, how fun! Okay, have a great time. Seriously, that’s where my brain goes because I love to travel. So, it’s so like when I see an airplane, that’s my first thought. And I’m very happy when I’m thinking that thought. So, it really is noticing when you’re happy, what brings you joy, and enjoy it, you know, looking at a sunset, looking at a sunrise, noticing the amazing colors. I mean, that brings me a huge amount of joy. It doesn’t have to be something grand. It doesn’t have to be something amazing. It can just be a sunrise or a sunset or a flower or snail or whatever. And notice the joy and allow it allow it really give yourself permission like I’m not kidding you like when you do the mirror work. I really want you to do the whole Hi Good to see you have a great day. You know what it’s okay for you to be happy it is and if you need to go write your abusers a go pound sand letter that says Dear mom, your dad, your ex, whoever. Thank you for giving me this crazy idea that it’s not okay for me to be happy because we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. I talked about that the other week. Guess what? Mother Cluckers I get to be happy. You know why? Because I say so. Because I am the boss of me. You are not the boss of me. I am evicting you from my head. You do not get to live up here. rent free. One more second go pound sand, buh bye now. Trot it out to the barbecue. Read it out loud once, burn it and then remind yourself it’s okay for me to be happy. It’s okay for me to enjoy this moment. It’s okay for me to fill in the blank. It’s okay and enjoy that moment. And give the middle finger to the abusers while you’re enjoying the moment. I like to do that too. So yeah, there that is!

One more article and that is where we’re getting to. And this is called the Science of Happiness. This is written by who wrote this? Oh just said reviewed by Psychology Today staff doesn’t tell me who wrote it. Oh, that’s damnably annoying. Um, okay, so this is the myth of happiness. And all I did was I typed, I’ll be happy when and then all of these articles on happiness. Okay, the myths about happiness. People often want to avoid difficult emotions. So, they reach out for a quick fix, like tasty treats or luxurious purchases. Those indulgent indulgences provide happiness but only momentarily. So, in other words, looking for a material fix is never going to be the answer. You want to find an existential fix. I’m sorry, it is existential. It is happiness is what you choose it to be. It really is. And when we go out and we go retail therapy is what I call it, you’re going to end up with huge credit card debts and a house full of junk. You know, I know people that go out and buy things still have the tags on them and turn around and give them away. Because they’re doing retail therapy, they get the high off of shopping, but then they don’t enjoy the purchase. And that makes no sense. It makes no sense. So really, happiness needs to not be associated with material things or food or anything like that. laundry is done. So I can hear the thing go off anyway. It needs to not be associated with things. It’s not happiness, it’s not a thing. Happiness is a state of mind. It truly is hang on just a second. Um, okay, so the biggest myth about happiness is the Okay.

Kris Godinez  28:52

Okay, the burst of happiness or sadness tied to specific events are short, so that I’ll be happy when, I’ll be happy if is a misconception.  People are surprisingly bad at anticipating their future happiness. They tend to overstate how joyous or upsetting events will be. So instead of just being in the present moment, we’re always like, well, this is gonna be awful. So catastrophizing. So we tend to alternately remember all, nothing, good, bad, black, white. We tend to either catastrophize Oh, it’s gonna be the most horrible thing ever. Oh my god, or we tend to be like, I’m going to be so estatic when. No guys. No. It doesn’t work that way. You got to let go. If you hear yourself doing. What’s the word? Brain gone, like extremes? All, nothing, good, bad, black, white, worst ever. Best Ever. No. Stop, come to the middle ground. Come to the middle path. The middle path is always where happiness lives. Oh my goodness. Okay. Um, so Basically what they’re saying is you’ve got to stop living in. What if I’ll be happy when, I’ll be happy if, I’ll be happy, whatever, it’s not ever going to last, it’s not going to be true.

So, okay, let’s recap here because I’m having a really hard time focusing, I’m so sorry. Okay, our abusers teach us to not live in the present moment, for various reasons. One is they can’t live in the present moment. Two is we don’t want to live in the present moment, because it’s so incredibly uncomfortable and painful when we’re with an abuser. Right? So, it’s really our task, once we leave that abusive relationship, whether it is an abusive parent or an abusive boss or an abusive, romantic partner, to start allowing ourselves to live in the present moment, really important because our abusers teach us not to, they also teach us that happiness is not okay, even though they say that’s all they want. Well, I just want to be happy. Well, how come you’re not? You know, because they don’t want to be and they set about to ruin anything that is not about them, or anything period where other people are feeling emotions that they can’t feel because they’re pissed off that they can’t feel them because they’re a bunch of jack wagons.

Anyway, our task is to get back into the present moment. What is, not what if. If you start hearing what if I want you to immediately stop. I hear you what if, I hear you knocking? You can’t come in? Thanks for playing. What is, what is in this present moment? What’s makes this present moment? Beautiful? Well, I’ve got artwork from my friend, Marcia Diane you know, I’ve got a beautiful backdrop. I’ve got my husband who loves me. I’ve got a beautiful house. I’ve got my sisters. I’ve got you know, it’s like what is good? What? I’m gonna sound like Conan the Barbarian. What is good in life? You know, it’s like, it’s like what is good? And so you keep a journal. You keep track of that. What makes you happy? Sunshine makes me happy. It’s I live in Arizona. I couldn’t stay in Oregon. You know, it’s like flowers. I love daffodils. I do and I love Gardenia’s. Oh, the stinky pretty flowers. I love those, birds make me happy. Those peach faced lovebirds. Oh my god, they’re so cute. Holy crap. If you ever watch them, they’re adorable. I don’t like Hawks though. They’re beautiful. But they tend to kill the peach face lovebirds. So I’m kind of mad at them. Anyway, the point being is, is you find the joy wherever you are. Does that make sense? And you stop allowing the abuser to making you live in the what ifs? What is what is good? What happened good this week? Okay, yeah, I got a stupid snot filled cold, not COVID Thank God. So that’s, that’s a plus right there. You know, but I was able to still work and I was still able to help clients and I was still able to do the podcast, I was still able to fill in the blank. You know, it’s like you find the positive because abusers are so adept at always, always, always, always…. They can find doodoo in the most beautiful things, you know, and so they try to ruin it. And they always try to point out what’s wrong, no what’s right. What is going right, what is good, what is happy? What are you What will make you feel good this week? Focus in on that gratitude is a huge thing. It’s not just for alcoholics anymore. You know, it’s like gratitude is wonderful for everybody. What are you grateful for? I’ve got so much to be grateful for seriously. And I mean, I list it off you know, and that changes your attitude real quick if you’re having a bad day. So yeah, gratitude is really important. I’m sorry, I just got way off track.

So basically we learn the I’ll be happy when I’ll be happy if from the abusers they make us live in a what if either to avoid the painful situation that’s going on, or because they can’t be happy and they’ve ruined every good, happy time. And so we do this whole we’ll I’ll be happy here and then it happens and we’re like, Okay, well but no, I’ll be happy when and you know, it’s this constant chasing the dragon’s tail. It really is. Learn to be happy in the moment in the here in the now. Wow. We’re in the now. drug medication. cold cold medication. Holy crap. I am losing my mind. Okay, live in the now

Kris Godinez  34:55

God don’t laugh gonna make me laugh. Live in the now in the snot filled now and enjoy it because it is what it is What are you going to do? So there it is, you find, you find joy in the moment you find silliness in the moment you find happiness in the moment. Go watch things that make you laugh. I swear, I’ve been binging on ghosts the last couple of days. And I’ve been watching bloopers because it makes me laugh, and it makes me feel good. So I find joy where I can and that’s what you got to do. That’s just what you got to do. And it’s really it is an attitude. It is like, I am choosing to be happy. And even if somebody’s trying to make me not be like that old biddy in Paris, I was like, you can go your own way, Sweetheart, I’m gonna go walk down the shop sleazy and just enjoy the heck out of the French Dogs. Thank you. So anyway, there that is. Okay. Let’s get to the questions. Well, I still have some semblance of brain cells to use.

Okay, how to be satisfied with your modest level of accomplishment. Even if you’re not the superstar your parents always demanded you become.

Kris Godinez  36:01

That’s a tough one. Because our parents, oh, man, they want to live vicariously through us if they’re a narcissist. So, they set us up with this whole, you’ve got to be perfect, which Oh my God, nobody is perfect people. Nobody is perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. Nobody walks on water unless it’s frozen. You know, in which case, that’s ice skating, you know, so it’s but they set us up for this. You have to be famous; you have to be extraordinary. You have to be shut the bleep up. Mother Clucker. Oh, I wish I could swear you have no idea how much I wish I could swear right now. So, they set us up to be miserable. Because it’s always not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. So, this is part of the inner critic is like, look, you’re a superstar in your own right. If you have survived abuse, and you’re able to help other people, y’all are doing great, seriously. So, this whole, you have to be famous, you have to be extraordinary, you have to be this you have to be that no mother Clucker, all I got to do is pay taxes and die piss off. Seriously. So you’d be happy in your own right, you find your happiness, you don’t have to be famous yet out. You know, and you don’t have to be a superstar it out. You get to be happy, you get to be happy, you get to be happy. You get to, you know, and abusers like to take that away from us. And that makes me so angry instead of just letting the kid be and find their own path and have their own life. They put all of these expectations and, and and jobs. Well, no, you have to be a scientist, you have to be an actor, you have to be this you have to be that, you know, you’ve got to make me look good, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. How about you go pound sand, seriously, that you being the abuser over here.

So basically, you got to separate out who you are, from the unrealistic expectations of your narcissistic parents. And usually, I find that alcoholics, addicts and narcissists are the ones that put the perfect pictures onto the kids. Everybody around them has to be perfect. Because if somebody is not perfect around them, then they have to start thinking about how they’re not perfect and they don’t like that. So of course instead of going oh geez, I’m not perfect. I’m human. Geez, I’ve made mistakes. Maybe I should work on them. They go Oh, Oh, you you’re not perfect. Oh. You guns, you you you guns, you you you guns. Do you see where I’m going with that? So anytime any parent does that to their kid first of all, I’d like to push them off a cliff. Clift cliff. can’t talk. Anyway, point being there, just shut them down. You don’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to be famous. You just need to be. Well, there’s an idea.

So something that can help is meditation. Buddhism. Oh, I like yoga. You know, it’s like who are you? Who really are you separate? Separate from who your parents decided you were? Well, because they do that? Oh, well. You’re my little comedian. Oh, well, you’re my little scholar. Oh, well, you’re my little whatever BS they decided to come up with Does that make sense? Who are you really? Get with a good trauma therapist seriously, and start unpacking their expectations, their unrealistic expectations with who you are. What do you want? What makes you happy? Really? Seriously, write it out. You know something that makes me ridiculously happy… swimming. I don’t know why I’ve always, It’s probably because I’m a Pisces. But it’s like I’ve always loved swimming. And I’ve always found that to be very cathartic. And I’ve always found it to be very meditative. And I’ve always found it to be a great place to work things through just because it’s rhythmic. And I’m swimming and I love the water and who, yeah, so who are you? What do you like? Not that they like know what they want? And what they told you, you were Who are you really existential? Again, this whole happiness thing? This whole who we are thing is an existential thing. And narcissists forced us to go into this existential crisis because they dictate who we are. They tell us who we are. We don’t get a chance to, you know, figure out who we are. We’re told who we are by these Jack wagons, you know, and so then the rest the rest of our young adult life, we’re trying to unpack all this stuff and figure out who the heck we are. And then the next half of our life, we can actually be who we are. If we’re lucky. Yeah. So anyway, there that is. I hope that answered the question. You don’t have to be a superstar. You don’t you just have to be you. And you is good enough. What is be clear about that. Who you are is good enough. You have worth you have value. The self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, there’s a whole section on worthiness and value worth and value you have intrinsic worth. Go find that seriously. So that’s a great book. C PTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. Get it. Read it start undoing the mistaken thoughts, the mistaken beliefs that your abusers shoved into your head? Well, I have to be perfect. And I have to be a leader. And I have to be famous. And I have to no you know? No, no. What do you want to do? What makes you happy? What gives you joy?

Kris Godinez  41:52

Go find that go find that and make it a fun assignment. Assignment. Jesus Christ, I can’t talk. So make it a fun assignment. Go figure out what brings you joy. What do you like doing? What do you like seeing? Where do you like going? What do you like eating? What do you you know, go go explore explore who you are. That is that is one of the funnest, funnest does that even a word? I don’t even know. That is one of the funnest things you can do is figuring out who you are, and maybe going against your parents.

So a little side note, before I go back to the question, I know, I’m all over the place. I’m sorry. Um, when I was backpacking through Europe, I decided to go to Germany. And of course, my parents had a fit, don’t you dare Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare go to a communist country. Don’t you dare. So what did I do? I went to East Germany, because they said not to. And I was just, I was so happy I did. I’m glad I saw it. I’m glad I saw the wall. This was before the wall came down. And all of this because I’m that old. Um, so you know, it’s like, it’s interesting to me how these parents put these parameters or limitations on their kids to not have experiences. So it’s really important to go figure out who you are, what you want, what you enjoy. You know, go do go see, go, go explore. That is the best thing to do get with a good trauma therapist, start unpacking all this stuff, because you’ll find a lot of these. What are these roadblocks are not real. They’re not even yours. They are not even yours. So go unpack that with a good trauma therapist. That was the long answer to that question.

Okay, is feeling childlike at the age of 31? A trauma response? Oh, god, yes. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yes. So, when we’re raised by narcissistic parents, they never give us credit for being as smart as we are, or as mature as we are, or as whatever as we are. And if you will notice when you go home to visit, or if you’ve gone home to visit, and this always happened to me, and this is why I always limited my spending time with my family. After about three days, the two of them would start treating me like I was seven years old. And I’m sitting here going biatch I left home at 17 Y’all can kiss my hind end, you know, I mean, it’s and they do that. And so they they poopoo and they make us feel like like we’re not mature when we don’t know or, you know, oh, well, you’re just the little sister, the little brother. You know, you’re the baby of the family. It’s like, oh, please knock it off. And they do that because they cannot relinquish control number one, but they can never acknowledge that somebody might actually be competent or more competent than they are. And so yeah, they try to keep the kids at a very childlike level or feeling immature or feeling… because I felt that way all through my 30s I really did hang on. All through my 30s I always felt like I was the little sister or the youngest or the, you know, not really taken seriously or whatever it wasn’t until, you know, I finished unpacking all of that stuff with Fabian, in Oregon, and then went and got my master’s degree that I was like, You know what, I actually do know what I’m talking about. And y’all can just stop it. Thank you. So um, yeah, that is a trauma response like nobody’s business again, get with a good trauma therapist self-esteem workbook Schiraldi, start working it. Boundaries disease to please Harry braiker. It’s really good to write letters to the abuser. Hey, guess what abuser I do know what I’m talking about. And I always have a nice day. Bye. Have a nice day. I mean, sideways with an unlubricated baseball bat. Thank you. You know what I’m saying? So okay, yes, that is a trauma response. So yeah, you do want to write some letters work on the self esteem workbook.

Okay, I have a question. I love doing gardening. Right on. I’ve really been enjoying doing it up lately. But lately, I’ve noticing a neighbor brushing his dog hairs into it instead of his own home. It really puts a dent in my little joys. What should I do? I’m not entirely sure it depends on how crazy the neighbor is. Okay. If you confront the neighbor, if they’re crazy, if they’re like a narcissist, or if they’re just, you know, maybe they’re jealous. So that’s something brushing their dog hair into your cardigan instead into their own?

Kris Godinez  46:46

That’s a good question. They could be jealous they could not be that was the first thing that came to my mind is that they’re jealous. So basically, instead of getting all you know, you know, just kind of be like, okay, so they’re jealous, clearly, My garden is amazing, you know, and I would just, if you can blow off the dog hair, or whatever you need to do, and just don’t let it get to you. Because they clearly are either looking for a fight. Because I can’t imagine somebody doing that, you know, it’s like, if John and I are brushing when we had dogs. Next year, I’m getting two dogs, that’s all there is to it. But we need to give ourselves time to grieve. So we’re, we don’t have dogs right now, which I think really sucks. Sorry, tangent. So when we had our dogs, we would, you know, either brush them out in our backyard, or we would take them out onto the canal and just brush them out there, you know, that kind of thing. So wouldn’t get in anybody’s yard or anything like that. And you always, you know, trying to collect it. But, um, if somebody is doing that on purpose, that says to me, they’re jealous that that would be my first thought. And then that then raises red flags. Because it’s like, if you confront them, that might be the opportunity that they’re looking for. So they may be looking for a fight. So what you could try not just, you know, Hey, Hi, neighbor. Hey, if you could just not drop your dog hair in my yard. I’d really appreciate it and then see what the reaction is. And if they get huffy and nasty and dented up to to, oh, they’re looking for a fight and then drop it Don’t ever bring it up again. And then just go about it. Like they were not even doing it. Because they’re trying to ruin your happiness basically. So, but if they’re like, apologetic and oh my god sorry, I wasn’t even wasn’t there wasn’t present didn’t realize what I was doing. Okay, just please make sure it doesn’t happen. You know, if you can do that and gauge their gauge their reaction, you know, if they’re defensive immediately Oh, they’re just looking for a fight. They’re probably jealous of your garden. Which I you know, I think that’s great. You garden. That’s wonderful. I’m terrible with plants. I love them, but I’m terrible with them. So yeah, so they might be jealous and just gauge their reaction to doing a very non-confrontational Hey, I noticed this if you could, you know, I’d really appreciate it and then see how they react. And if they’re snarky and nasty, red flag, okay, well, you don’t get to steal my joy. I’m still going to enjoy my garden. Even though you’re brushing your dog here everywhere, actually furs a really good source of I think it’s nitrogen or something. Anyway, just blow it off it literally and figuratively blown off, and don’t allow them to steal your joy. And that’s, that’s the thing, you know, my dad would try to ruin hobbies or things that I really enjoyed and intentionally, like I used to love. I still love it, but to sing and things like that. And he would come in and start telling me how to do it. And I’m just like, Dude, I am not singing for you. I am singing for me. Because there was a time period there when I was still living at home and I just stopped singing because I couldn’t stand it when he would come in and start criticizing or trying to ruin and the reason He did that is because he knew it was bringing me joy. You know, so if you know that you know that they know that you know that they’re doing it on purpose. You don’t allow them the ability to see you upset. Grey rock So after you confront them in nice, nonconfrontational, very friendly way, if they are still doing it, okay, then you know what their game is. And you just don’t let it bother you because they’re looking for you to be upset is basically what it sounds like. So, there that is okay.

Um, do narcs live in a fantasy world? Sweet baby Jesus? Yes, yes. It seems they don’t live in the reality and make things up to suit their narrative Absofreakinglutely. They would not know reality if it walked up and did the Watusi with them seriously. So yes, they don’t live in the here. Now. They live in a fantasy land. If their lips are moving, their lying! They don’t live in reality. They don’t. And it’s so funny to me. Because as my father aged, he literally had this fantasy. I mean, he was crazy. You guys know that if you’ve been around this channel at all, you know, my dad was batshimomo crazy. So he had a bomb shelter out in the driveway, real bomb shelter, like they paid to have it built in everything. And his fantasy, seriously was that he was going to be the savior of the of the family. And that all of us children, all five of us would come back in the end times and live with him as the head of the household in the bomb shelter, which is about the size of a bedroom, and that we would survive the Holocaust or whatever the not holocaust. What is it called the Armageddon? You know, and all of that. And he would be the savior of the family. And I’m sitting there looking at him going Dude, where are you getting your drugs? Because that’s a real good one. You know? I mean, seriously, it’s like, just completely bonkers. Bonkers. Because everyone in my family booked out as soon as they could, like seriously, like, my sister Terry got married and left as soon as she could, you know, my sister middle sister got shipped off to a thing boarding school thing and never came home. She never did. She spent summers she spent Christmases with other families because she couldn’t stand it. And she never came home. I left when I was 17. My other two, my brother and my other sister were basically kicked out. And you know, they never they never stayed because he was such a horrible human being. And yet he had this fantasy that we were all going to come home and live out Armageddon with him and he was going to be the savior of the family. And I’m like, Dude, what are you smoking? Seriously? So yeah, they have these incredibly insane storylines going on in their heads. And of course, he never once ever took responsibility for the fact that he was the reason we all left. You know, he never once questioned why all of his kids had nothing to do with him and wanted nothing to do with him because they cray cray. So yeah, they absolutely live in just lala land it’s it’s insane.

Kris Godinez  53:42

Alright kids, I’m losing my voice and my mind so they’re gonna stop. All right, my love’s I hope you guys all have a great healthy week. Drink plenty of water, get plenty of sunshine, find the joy in life. Find it. It’s okay. Give yourself permission to enjoy yourself. Have a wonderful week and I will talk to you later. Bye

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.

Related Episodes

Throwback Thursday: 11-14-2021 WHEN THE PARENT IS THE ENABLER

It’s throwback Thursday, and we’ve got an episode from the archives for you from November 2021. In this episode of We Need To Talk With Kris Godinez, Kris talks about when a parent is the enabler to the abuser, why they do it, what to do and how to heal after getting away.

09-18-2022 Procrastination

In this episode of We Need To Talk With Kris Godinez, Kris discusses why we procrastinate, what purpose it serves and how to break the habit of putting things off.

09-11-2022 Adult Kid Drama and Collapse

In this episode of We Need To Talk With Kris Godinez, Kris talks about what to do if the adult child is the one causing drama in the family, what narcissistic collapse looks like, and why not to fall for it!