We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez

05-14-2023 Anything You Say WILL Be Used Against You!
In this episode of We Need To Talk With Kris Godinez, Kris discusses how targets of abuse do themselves no favors by trying to talk sense to an abuser!

When we have been unjustly accused of doing things we didn’t do, the desire to clear the air is strong. Now, if you were dealing with healthy people, clearing the air would be the right thing to do. You aren’t dealing with healthy people. Narcissists, Dark Triads, and the like LOVE to accuse the target of abuse of all sorts of things that THEY are themselves doing and then argue with or ignore the target of abuse when they try to defend themselves. It is a game where the rules are constantly changing and one in which you will never win!

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Wow. Hi, everybody. Oh, my goodness. Hello from Spain. Oh, my goodness. Good to see you guys. So today, here’s the current event today is Mother’s Day. So, for those of you who had good moms, great, have a great day, that are good moms have a great day. If you have mothers that were abusive, neglectful, harmful, hurtful, etc. And you are no contact with them stay, no contact, do not let a Hallmark holiday make you get back in touch with somebody who’s abusive. So, and this goes for Father’s Day, too, coming up in June.

So, I this just want to remind people it’s like if you’re no contact with your mom, and you’re starting to feel guilty about her and any sort of weird stuff, and I talked about guilt on Wednesday. So, if you guys are suffering from guilt, that’s being given to you, shame that’s being given to you by an abuser, go check out the video I did on Wednesday. But if you’re having that, oh my gosh, it’s Mother’s Day, I should contact them even though they were abusive or even though they were neglectful. Here’s the question you ask yourself. If I were not related to this bozo, would I have anything to do with them? If the answer is no, act accordingly, have nothing to do with them stay no contact for your own comfort and your own safety. If you reconnect with an abusive parent, I can guarantee you it’s the inner child trying to do that is the inner child going, but in fact, we’re going to be talking a lot about the inner child today wanting something different. And if you’re going to a well that is dry, and it’s salted, and it’s poisoned, so don’t go to that. Well. Don’t do it. Don’t do it; it’s not going to work out well. So that is what I have to say about Mother’s Day. If you have a good mom, great. If you don’t, for the love of God and all its holy, do not contact them if you are no contact because it’s just not going to end well. So oh, there is has that is the current event for today.

So, we flew in last night from Honolulu. So, I’m very, very tired. So, I’m sorry, I may ramble a little bit today because I’ve got very little sleep. So anyway, okay. All right. So, today’s topic is oversharing. Anything you say can and absolutely will be used against you. Absolutely. 110% No, no even question about that. So, what can we do about oversharing? And why do we do it? So, there’s the thing that’s the question. So, here’s what’s going on. It’s our limbic system. Yay, limbic system. It’s our limbic system. So basically, what ends up happening is it’s our amygdala. So, our amygdala is our fight-flight, freeze or faun, right? The amygdala can’t tell the difference between past, present, future emotional, non-emotional, whatever. So, when we get triggered, in some way, shape, or form, an abuser comes at us, whether it’s a parent, or romantic partner, or an official, or anybody who’s abusive anybody. And our limbic system gets triggered, and we’re suddenly thrown into this emotional dysregulation. And we are operating from the level of a two-year-old, three-year-old, five-year-old, 10-year-old, whatever the inner child was at the time that we were unjustly accused. This is why it is so important to go back through and do inner child work. Hugely important to reraise that inner child so that when we get triggered, we’re able to recognize it and go, Oh, I feel like I’m about 10. Holy cow, I need to take a step back and take a deep breath and then respond as opposed to thrown into a tizzy. The limbic system is going crazy. Your amygdala is going Danger, danger, danger. Cortisol is flooding the body, and you’re starting to spew in an effort to knock get in trouble. That’s basically what’s happening. So, the limbic system is, is going crazy. And it’s reacting. It’s reacting. You don’t want to react; you want to act. So, getting yourself back to emotional regulation. And back to recognizing, oh my gosh, I’m oversharing. So, in the most common times that this happens is when the abuser is coming at us, right? They’re unjustly accusing us of something, who knows what, usually in a divorce case, usually in a custody case.

So basically, what it is, is you want to start re-raising your inner children. So that means doing the work. That means doing the mirror work addressing that inner child, hello inner child, I see you, I hear you, it’s okay. You don’t have to react; you can let the adult me deal with stuff. Little you gets to go play; I get to deal with this stuff. You know, doing the mirror work reinforcing that doing the guided imagery working Catherine Taylor’s Inner Child Workbook or Lucia Cappacchione Inner Child Workbook, doing guided imagery, taking yourself back through your childhood, standing behind your child, hands on to your child’s shoulders, and guiding them through all those nasty times that you’ve had to deal with. So that you’re the protector, you’re taking care of them, you’ve got them covered. So that’s really important.

Because otherwise, what ends up happening is somebody comes out as oh my gosh, we start people pleasing. We start people pleasing. And one of the ways we people pleased as a child was to try to explain, right, well, why did you do this? Or why are you doing that? And you did this? And you did that? No, I didn’t. But and that’s what gets us into trouble. Because then we start saying anything and everything, you know, trying to figure out what’s going to be the magic combination that’s going to make them stop. But here’s the deal. You’ve got to understand. abusers are dedicated to misunderstanding you let me say that again. abusers are dedicated to misunderstanding you. Even they know. They know the truth. They do. They don’t care. They don’t care. They will lie, lie, lie. Remember, we’ve talked about this and even though you’re speaking the truth, and you’re saying that you didn’t do this, or you know, that’s not fair or whatever, they don’t care. They literally do not care. You’ve got to understand you’re dealing with somebody who has no empathy, none. And they’re sadistic, and you are their chosen punching bag. So, nothing you say is going to make a difference. You would have a better and deeper conversation with my backdrop than you would with an abuser. They are dedicated to misunderstanding you. So, what can we do about this? So first of all, there’s a couple of books which of course, in my three hours of sleep I didn’t put out, um, one of them is the in the Divorce Guide; Laurie Hellas wrote a book on divorce. Brain gone; I’ll think of it. Anyway, that’s one of them. So, the book by Laurie Hellas just look up Lori Hellis it’ll pop up. Insider’s Guide to Divorce, I think is what it’s called. And it’s great because she goes through the whole justice system, so you understand what the courts are looking for. The other one is Splitting by Bill Eddy and Randy Krieger because you got to understand this is intentional on the part of the abuser, they poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke and in an effort to either get you to do reactionary you know, screaming at them because you’re trying to make them stop. So, then they can film it and say, Oh, you’re the abuser, which they love to do. Listen to me now; believe me later, guys.

Kris Godinez  09:13

There is no depth, there is no end to their depravity, there is no low that they won’t go to, they’ll do anything. I had one recently that, in a medical emergency, when alone in the hospital room with the child, started screaming don’t hurt me. Don’t touch me. You’re hitting me blah, blah, blah. And of course, the other parent was across the room. Thank God the other parent had their phone on. So, but, and then this person tried to bring that bring that to the courts, and the courts threw it out, but it’s just their depravity is amazing. It just don’t put it past them. I have so many times had clients go Oh, no, they would never do that. Yeah, they would. If it would, if it will push their agenda, if it gets you in trouble with the law. If it will get you in trouble with the courts. They absolutely will. You cannot trust them as well. er’s you can spit seriously; you can trust them just about as far as you could spend a dead rat out of your mouth. That’s about as far as you can do it because you can’t trust them. They will do the most heinous things to try to get you in trouble. And to get you to over explain and to get you to say things that are going to be used against you in a court of law.

So, here’s the deal, every single time you have an interaction with an ex or with anybody that is abusive, you want to treat it as if it’s going to show up in court records. Seriously. So, there were some really good articles that I pulled up about oversharing. And how to stop because that seems to be the big problem. Because what I see happening is tit for tat, tit for tat, tit for tat, and then shooting back and thinking that somehow, it’s going to make a difference. And what’s going on is, is that inner child is the one that’s going but and trying to get them to hear you. They’re dedicated to not hearing you listen to me, now, believe me later, they’re never going to hear you. They’re never going to get that you’re a good person. Let me just, let me just be clear here. They’re never going to get it. Never, never. I mean, it’s like Jesus Christ himself could come down and say, Look, this person is a good person, and they would argue with them, no lie. So okay, so here’s the deal. You’ve got to stop arguing with them, you’ve got to stop playing their game, their game is to get you hooked into that inner child, so that you start oversharing, you’ve got to stop because there’ll be selective about what they share with the courts, especially if you’re not using our family wizard. There’ll be selective about, you know, what they videotape, etc., etc., etc. So don’t put yourself in those positions. So okay. So, here’s the one I wanted to show you. It’s called How to Set Boundaries and an Age of Oversharing. And this is on Psychology Today.

So, for regular, non-disordered family, spouses, friends, they suggest putting a columns so in the past, I’ve always told you right out your list of deal breakers, right? So those are your boundaries, deal breakers are your boundaries that you will not allow anyone else to cross boundaries are your boundaries. So, who you wouldn’t be comfortable sharing what with? So, in this one, it’s called How to Set Boundaries in an Age of Oversharing. It’s on Psychology Today. It’s by Andrea Brandt, PhD. And what she suggests doing is writing it out. So, in columns, who are you willing to share what with so the first column is significant other now that would be provided you had a sane, significant other. We’re going to go back through it. If it’s not a sane, significant other. Second one would be family. Now that would be provided if they were saying family, third friends, fourth, strangers or acquaintances, okay. Then you write down subjects that you’re uncomfortable discussing with these four categories. So now, here’s the deal, if you’re divorcing, a disordered narcissist, psychopath, dark triad, etc. There is going to be very little, you’re going to be willing to discuss with them so basically, if you have children with one of these Jack wagons, the only thing you’re going to discuss is need to know information about the child. That’s it. That is it. You are not going to respond to anything else. Even if they sit there and poke, poke, poke if they accuse you of XY and Z. No response Listen to me now, believe me later. No response is a response. Or you can simply say I’m not addressing that period. And then don’t address it and then let them go off because if you’re doing our family wizard, it’s going to show how crazy they are. So um, there is that so you stick to only things that are facts and figures, no emotion, no emotion, they want to get you riled up so that you’ll start so that they can go to the court and go look see how crazy they are. And this goes for male abusers, this goes for female abusers doesn’t matter. I’ve seen both of them do it. So, when you are doing any sort of communication, basically, you’re not discussing anything that isn’t relevant to either the divorce or the custody, and that is the biggest mistake we make.

Now let’s move on to toxic family. There’s going to be very little that you’re going to discuss with them to literally it if you choose to stay in contact with them. It needs to be surface stuff, only. Nothing that is serious. Nothing that is important to you why because they will sabotage it. guarantee it 110% and take it to the bank and earn interest on it. So, if you have got toxic family and you share something that’s important to you, they’re going to put it down, they’re going to tell you, you can’t do it, they’re going to make fun of you for wanting to do it, they’re going to do everything they can to keep you from doing it. So again, know your audience. And the key is getting that inner child to understand that toxic abuser, that toxic family is never going to be the well filled with healthy water that they need. Does that make sense? So, you’ve got to really work with that inner child to know that you cannot go to either one of those wells. Those wells are dry and salted and poisoned. Don’t go to them. You’re not going to get the approval, the validation, the encouragement, the support, the love that you deserve, not from those two idiots. You’re just not because they’re disordered and they’re evil. And they’re just dedicated to being sadistic and nasty and mean. And you’re their favorite punching bag, and how dare their favorite punching bag, go do something awesome. So that’s why you don’t go to your family and share things.

So, for example, when I went back and got my master’s degree, I didn’t tell anybody. I told my sister, and that was it. My oldest sister, that was it. That’s the only person I told. And then I waited until graduation. And then I told my mom, and then she came out for graduation. Because I did not want the naysaying. I didn’t want the nastiness I didn’t want you can’t do it. I didn’t want that. So, I just want to end it didn’t tell anybody except somebody who I knew was going to be supportive. And this is what you have to have really seriously a come to Jesus’ meeting with your inner child who really truly is supportive in your life. And the way you tell that is previous behavior. Seriously, so like my oldest sister, consistent, always supportive, always good advice, always helping me, always amazing. So, you know, I knew I could trust her. Everybody else in the family, not so much. So, you know what I’m saying. So, you really have to have a serious chat with that inner child and be like, Look, little one, this person, this person, and this person are not safe to talk to this person safe to talk to those people not safe to talk to.

So now we’re going to move into the friend category. So, are these people truly supportive? So, in this age of oversharing, like social media, oh, dear Lord, some of the things I’ve read on social media, I’m like, why are you telling everybody this? Nobody needs to know this, especially your ex-Hello. Um, but it’s like with friends. You know, not every friend is really a friend. Some of them are acquaintances, and we have to be okay with that. And I noticed the inner child has a really hard time with that, wants everybody to be the friend. Everybody’s my friend. Well, no, no, darlin, not everybody is your friend. Sometimes they pretend to be friends, and they’ve got a knife hidden behind their backs, just waiting to use it on you. So, when we come out of an abusive relationship, whether that is a romantic relationship or a familial relationship, our pickers are not really good. And so, the people that we’ve surrounded ourselves with, tend to mimic our family of origin.

So, you want to be very careful about your friends. They had better be true friends. In other words, not running back to the abuser, not flying monkeys. Not in competition with you. Not a covert narcissist, not a narcissist, not a psychopath. Are they really your friends? And again, behavior speaks louder than words. What is the behavior? Are they there for you when the chips are down? You know, are they there for you when you need somebody, you know, or are they busy? And oh, I can’t be bothered with this or blah, blah, blah. Does that make sense? So, this is how you kind of start separating things out who can you start trusting? Now, again, this all boils down to self-esteem. You have got to work on your self-esteem, trusting your own gut because that is where our picker lives is in our gut instinct. Okay? When we’ve been abused, either romantically or a family of origin or whatever, they tell us. Oh, no, your guts wrong. Oh, no, you don’t see that. Oh, no, this isn’t really happening gaslighting. Hello. And so, we then stop acknowledging we see the pink elephant taking a crap in the corner of the living room, but we still stop acknowledging it. Pretty soon, we don’t see it because we’ve been trained not to. So, you’ve got to allow yourself to start trusting your gut again. Okay, Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi Disease to Please Harriet Breaker. The Inner Child Workbook, Lucia Cappacchione or Catherine Taylor, start doing guided imagery with your inner children. Allow them to acknowledge that they see the pink elephant taking a crap in the corner of the family living room. Do you see where I’m going with that? So that is what’s important is really working on listening to your gut trusting that gut instinct. If something feels off, it probably is. And you may be a little paranoid in the beginning, but I’ll tell you what, I’d rather have you be a little paranoid than a little too naive. Does that make sense? So, there is now. I see we’ve got some questions, I will get to them in about 10 minutes. Hang on.

So okay, setting boundaries. So, the other thing you have to do, too, is when you are on the Internet, okay. And this is where I see a lot of people making a mistake when they’re in a custody battle or a divorce. They don’t walk their stuff down; you have got to lock your stuff down. Why? Well, it’s not just the abuser, you have to be concerned about. It’s the flying monkey. Okay, so oversharing gets picked up by the flying monkeys. The flying monkeys run back to the abuser and tell the abuser or screenshot it and show the abuser. So basically, you do not want to say anything on the internet that you do not want to have ended up in court, serious as a heart attack. I know it’s really tempting that when you, you know, are in the middle of a divorce, and you want to show the other person that you’re living a great life… Well, you don’t want to do that. It’s none of their business. Nobody needs to know that it really doesn’t. Because what they’ll do is they’ll go to the court and say, See, they don’t need child support. See, they don’t need that. Look all the money they’re spending on it. It’s BS honestly. Because really, what it boils down to is how much you make not what you do with it. But you know, they’ll do that they’re How do I explain this?

Kris Godinez  21:37

The person who represents themselves in a court of law has a fool for a client. Oftentimes narcissists do that, because they’re so arrogant. They think they can do it on their own. Now, of course, sometimes the abuse targets can’t afford an attorney, and they have to represent themselves. That’s different. But what I’ve seen the abusers do is they will just then file motion after motion after motion after motion after motion after motion after motion after motion, based on things that they saw on the internet or things that were said in our family wizard, or whatever. And it that’s why I’m saying if you don’t want it to end up in court, don’t say it. You know, keep to facts and figures. Do not get drawn into their cesspool, I think that’s the best way to put it, of word salad and accusations and nastiness, because they want you to respond. They want you to react. They want to have something that they can take back to their attorney or to their judge, or whatever they’re doing, you know, or file some sort of frivolous motion. They’re idiots. They do this all the time. And it’s for two reasons. One, they think they’re smarter than everybody else. They don’t understand the law. Two. They want to bankrupt the other person. That’s why you want to say absolutely as little as possible.

So, stopping the oversharing again, you write it out. Who can you share with? Who can you share with if they’re toxic, you cannot share with them. And you’re going to have to remind your inner child now when I was healing from my crazy, toxic family, I had a dream towards the end of me seeing Fabian Smith in Portland, Oregon. Fabian was a godsend, thank God. And one of the dreams I had, I had a dream that all of my family members that were abusive were all forced to sit down; they were gagged. And they were, you know, tied to the chair, and they had to hear me. And in my dream, I told them everything. I was just like. You’re a jerk. You’re this, you’re that, you did that, you know, and it was great to get it off my chest. When I woke up from that dream. I was like, wow, that is my subconscious talking. Right? All the things I wanted to say, but I couldn’t. And I recognized I could never say it to them in person because they as they wouldn’t get it. And B they deny it and C they flip it around and make it all my fault. But it’s kind of like that’s kind of what you have to do with your inner child allow them the chance to speak it out to the abusers. So, you can either do a guided imagery with your inner children or let them say everything they wanted to say. And then remind them, Hey, little one, we can’t do that with whoever the abuser is. But we can certainly do it in guided imagery. And why this works is because our limbic system or amygdala cannot tell the difference between imagining it and doing it. That’s why if you sit and you think about being in a bank robbery, you’re standing in line, suddenly bank robbers come in, and they’re there. They got guns, and they’re going to hold the place hostage. Your hurdle start pounding, and you’ll start breathing fast because your amygdala can’t tell the difference between just imagining a bank robbery and actually being in a bank robbery. So, the beautiful thing is, you can start healing you’re inner child by imagining having conversations with all of these people and telling them exactly where to go pound sand, and reminding your inner child, you’re the adult, you get to protect them, it’s your job, you will protect them. They don’t need to do anything except the little kids. That’s it. You will keep them safe. And so, you work on that guided imagery.

So, I strongly suggest seriously strongly suggest, if you’re struggling with oversharing, I strongly suggest you start working on the inner child. That’s what doing it the inner child is the one that is going, but it’s not fair. But you’re not hearing me. They’re never going to hear you. It is always going to be unfair with them always. Which is why you give them nothing. That’s why gray rock is so great. It’s like, no response is a response. And if they have nothing to work with, they have to make stuff up. And eventually, people start figuring out that they’re making stuff out because you’re not responding. There’s no paper trail. There’s no internet trail. There’s no…do you see where I’m going on with that. So, and that’s why I tell people, it’s like stop talking to your spouse on the phone. If you’re in the middle of a high conflict, contentious divorce, high conflict custody issue, if you’re on the phone with them, and it’s not being recorded based on whatever state law you’re in. There, they can say that you said anything. So that’s why I’m saying everything has to be in writing. Get our family wizard insist on it. And if they refuse to use it, hold them in contempt of court. Because obviously, they’re hiding something. Duh. you know, seriously, it’s like they don’t think they don’t think they’re just kind of like, well, I’m just not going to use it. I’m not going to use it. I’ll do it this way. No, no, it’s court-ordered. Its court ordered. So, you want to get splitting and you want to get the book by Lori Hillis the Insider’s Guide. I think it’s the Insider’s Guide to divorce. I can’t think of what the title is. But it’s by Laurie Hellas, great book.

Okay, so how to set boundaries. All right. So then, the other thing to recognize, too, is that we get triggered, and it’s called trauma, dumping, trauma dumping. So, in other words, when you find yourself on a flow, and you’re just literally, and you just keep talking, what you want to do is you want to take a look when, how old were you? When you did that? How old are you feeling in that moment? It is your inner child. That’s a trauma dump. And that is something you want to get with a good trauma therapist and start working on how old were you when you started having to defend yourself. Now, if we were raised by family of origin that was abusive, we were defending ourselves all the damn time. Seriously. It’s like, you know, why are you breathing that way? And we had to explain why we were breathing that way.

So, the thing I want to encourage you to get into the habit of is you don’t owe anybody an explanation. I no shock. You don’t owe anybody. I don’t care who they are an explanation. You don’t, you do not know. Obviously, if you’re in a court of law, and somebody asks you something, yeah, you’re going to have to explain. But you really, really, really want to take a look at who’s asking and why. What’s their agenda? What’s their motivation? What are they looking for? If somebody’s, you know, digging, then they’re obviously trying to find things against you.

So, you really want to be careful with who you share things with. And on the Internet. If you’re going through a divorce, lock it down, get rid of the flying monkeys. Well, how come I can’t see your stuff anymore? Because I’m going through a divorce. That’s all you need to say. Well, but I’m not going to share. I understand. And that’s all you need to say. You don’t need to appease them. You do not need to appease them, you seriously do not need to appease them. So, alright, so setting boundaries.

All right, and then you are going to talk to people about your boundaries. If your father keeps prying into your romantic relationships or your financial situation or anything else. You simply say that is not up for discussion. How about them Dodgers, and if they keep doing it, you leave healthy normal, and we say this again, healthy, normal people. healthy normal people catch clues, and they respect the word no. if somebody’s uncomfortable discussing something, all a healthy normal person needs to hear is change of subject. That’s off-topic, okay. And then you don’t revisit it. People who have no boundaries will continue to merge over the boundaries. So, if after you’ve said this is not up for discussion, how about them Dodgers? And they do something like, ooh really touchy or weak? You get up, and you leave. You get up, and you leave! Because that is a boundary that they are obviously They not respecting. So that is super important. Okay, um, make changes on social media. You’ve got to change who you have on there. Do not let it be public Do not let your ex or any of his flying or her flying monkeys get on there. It’s dangerous. Yeah, especially if you’re in the middle of the divorce and the custody battle, you absolutely do not want to have anybody on there that has access to your personal stuff. Because you know, it’s going to go right back to them

Now switching gears a bit. During a divorce. What I see abusers do is they overshare to their kids, okay? They tell the kids way the hell too much.

Kris Godinez  30:47

So, if you are the spouse, of a person who’s oversharing, and the kid comes to you, and usually it’s about money, that’s or how horrible the other person is, you know, oh, I’m broke because of your dad, I’m broke because of your mom, I’m broke, you know, or, you know, they’re awful. They’re horrible. They had an affair, whatever. Whatever the kid comes to you with. You just say Honey, that’s not for you to worry about. Daddy or Mommy is upset and they’re saying things that are not true. And you leave it at that because that is the truth. You don’t go into anything else you don’t over-explain. And you be age specific. Remember, little ones like zero to six do not have the cognitive ability to cope with the emotional fallout of a divorce. So, for example, in this article, let me see who did this one. Mom and Dad, Mom, and Dad and TMI. Are you an oversharer? by Peggy Drexler, PhD, children are keeping terrible secrets. Oh, children are keeping are terrible at keeping secrets. Yes. So, one of the examples in here was that one of the kids would hear the parents say, Well, I’m never going to marry again and done it at it. And the kid was young, six, and they couldn’t quite figure out why. And so somehow being married became very awful in their mind, because the parent kept saying how horrible it was. Well, just because the parent had a horrible marriage doesn’t mean the kid’s going to have a horrible marriage. My mom used to do that all the time. My mom was like, oh, you know, you should never get married. It’s horrible. It’s awful. It’s terrible. It’s on. And I have been married for almost 30 years. And we love each other. And we had a lot of fun together, obviously. So, you know, it’s, it’s, it’s disordered thinking to do that. So, if you hear the child saying something about never marrying again, you say, You know what, that’s mommy or daddy’s experience that’s not yours, you get to have a great marriage if you won’t want. Leave it at that. So, you’ve got to be very careful what you say and how much you say to kids about the divorce. So, when a kid asks, Why are you getting divorce, keep it simple. You know, mommy and daddy just grew apart, we cannot agree on anything we were not meant to be. That’s it. That’s all you need to say. You do not need to go into depth, you do not depend on how old they are. Now, if they’re teenagers, they’re probably quite aware of what’s going on in the in the marriage, they’re not stupid. Kids know, when something’s off, I knew when something was off when I was a little kid, you know, you could probably say like, well, you know, Daddy’s got an anger issue, or Mommy’s got an anger issue. And I just don’t want to be around that, you know, which is the truth.

So, and then as they get older, age appropriate, you give them more information, but you don’t overload them, because their little brains aren’t able to cope with that, they’re not able to process that through anyway. So that was Mom and Dad and TMI, and that was on Psychology Today.

Okay, attachment in the search for the inner child, if the intensity of your emotions and reactions are out of sync or way stronger than what the situation calls for, you may need to do some inner child work. That’s not you may need to, you do need to because that’s what’s who’s running the show. So here are the things that we need to start telling ourselves, I can feel happiness and purpose simultaneously with deep sorrow. And why do I say that? So, we stop running from feeling sad. And that is something that our inner child does is that a lot of times, especially when I work with clients that had not only abuse but a substance issue. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to feel that I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to I don’t want to know what it needs, only be happy, only happy. Well, if life were only happy. I don’t think we’d be here on planet Earth.

So, all of the emotions are good guys. All of the emotions are good. They may not be comfortable, but they’re good. They’re all okay. It’s what we do with them that makes them helpful or hurtful. So, it’s okay to feel joy and sadness. You can. We have a depth and a breadth to us. We can feel both simultaneously. In fact, Buddha speaks about, you know, enlightenment is being able to acknowledge all of your emotions and yet still feel that deep sense kind of sadness or that deep sorrow. So, it’s kind of acknowledging all things kind of thing. And allowing, allowing. I can be the author of my life, as opposed to living out a sad, lonely story assigned to me in childhood. So, a lot of disordered parents, I don’t know if you guys ever saw the movie Like Water for Chocolate. It’s an old one, really good. So, in that movie, the mom it basically generational trauma is what it’s about. The youngest and every family was assigned a role to take care of the mom. And she never was supposed to have a life. Never supposed to get married, never supposed to love, never supposed to whatever. And it was all about her breaking out. And of course, at a tragic ending, you know, Academy Award winner. Anyway, the point being is Like Water for Chocolate, good movie, bring Kleenex. So, it’s assignment. And my mom used to tell me this all the time. She’s like, Oh, you’re a loner. You’re a loner. And I’m like, like hell I am. I’m social, like nobody’s business, your cruise director, people, you know what I’m saying? And she kept telling me, You’re a loner, you’re a loner, you’re a loner, and it didn’t know. I’m not I like people. I do. She did’nt. But she also had a lot of abuse. And I understand why she did that.

But again, parents need to be careful that they’re not shoving their issues onto the kids. My mom had issues with people because she was abused when she married an abuser. Two of them actually, um, you know, and so you don’t want to project onto your children your own issues. Does that make sense? So just because your family has said it will and again with me, you know, my dad told me I was the cute one, not the smart one. So, I was kind of like, funny. I’m the only one that owns my own business. Oh, thank you very much. Um, you know, it’s like, just because they have predicted your doom, you’ve got to understand they’re talking about themselves. They are talking about it when somebody predicts your doom. When somebody say you’re a loner, or you’re the cute one, not this smart one, well, they’re talking about themselves. They’re talking about themselves. They’re not talking about you. They don’t even know who the hell you are. They don’t know who the hell they are. Let alone you, you know what I’m saying. So, you’ve got to be able to as an adult, talk to that inner child and go hey, little one. When mom and dad said this, they were talking about themselves, they were not talking about you, you can be the author of your own destiny. You are you are the captain of this ship. You are El Capitan; you can do whatever you want. I just suddenly got a Q when I said that. You can do whatever you want. You can decide where you’re going and who you’re with and what you’re up to. You don’t you’re not doomed to follow their weirdness. Okay. Okay, and I swear I’m going to get to questions in just a second. My emotions were experiences that I had control over, not some unalterable truth. My emotions were experiences that I had control over not some unalterable truth. Now, here’s the thing. Feelings are not facts. And we often confuse that. So, it’s okay to have feelings, but they’re not necessarily facts.

So again, inner child work, work with that child. It’s okay to have feelings. It doesn’t mean it’s unalterable. Just because you’re sad about this does not mean you’re going to be sad forever means you’re having a moment of sadness in time. Things change, hairstyles change, weather changes. So, do emotions, go with it. So that’s the important thing. So, this is called this article is Attachment in the Search for the Inner Child by Hal Shorey, PhD on Psychology Today. Okay, let’s get to the questions. All right.

Do narcissists themselves overshare only when they are trying to establish the illusion of intimacy. So let me be clear about this. So, they will share things in an effort to get you to open up, but it’s different than oversharing that we do. So oversharing that we do is kind of like a stream-of-consciousness panicked. You know, this that the other thing you know, don’t know how you know, and just this frantic kind of oversharing talking, talking, talking, and trying to figure out what they want, you know, this that the other thing they overshare to get us to open up in the love bombing phase especially so they’ll, they’ll offer a nugget of personal information, hoping that you’re going to turn around and do that. Now the other way that they overshare is they’re so arrogant. They will basically tell you what they are going to do. So, you know, they will say things like, you know, Oh, you shouldn’t love me, I’ll leave you. They weren’t lying.

Kris Godinez  40:09

So, and we don’t believe them, of course, because, you know, we’re thinking that they’re normal people and they are not. And so, you know, they say things like that or, you know, I’ll only hurt you, you know, that kind of thing, and we don’t believe them. And we need to believe that when somebody I very much pay attention to what people say, and when somebody says, Oh, well, I may be a narcissist, you know, maybe in their buddy, you know what I’m saying? It’s like, No, you’re, you’re helping them with that. Yeah. So, you know, it’s, listen, you’ve got to listen, you got to listen to what they say. And you’ve got to believe them. Because they, they do slip they do. And it’s almost like this game of, are they going to catch me? And I think it’s a little bit of a no. It’s not a little bit. It’s a lot of bit of arrogance. You know, it’s like, if I tell them the truth with this, are they going to believe me, you know, and nine times out of 10, we don’t because we’ve been groomed by family origin, not to, and we’ve been groomed by society, you know, oh, well, you know, they’re just self-deprecating. You know, there’s just, you know, they’re, they know, they couldn’t be that bad. No, you’ve got to be like, that’s a red flag. So yeah, there’s now. Hold on, let me get back to the rest of that question. I experienced narcissists sharing so many things that could cause them trouble. Yeah, they do. Because they don’t think they’re going to get caught. It’s like they want to get caught. Yep. And to show off what they’ve done. 110%. So, again, one of my favorite shows on I think its ID is Signs of a Psychopath. And almost all of them brag. That’s how they get caught is that they slipped to somebody bragging about the murder that they committed, or the crime that they committed, or whatever. And they truly feel it’s that antisocial thing. They feel they’re above the law, that they’re never going to get caught that nobody’s going to turn them in. They’ve got this weird magic thinking, but it’s different than the magic thinking that other people have their magic thinking is along the lines of, I’m invincible. I’m never going to get caught. I’m above the law. I’m smarter than everybody else, you know, a hubris like nobody’s business. Yeah, they do that. And it’s kind of a. It’s kind of a How long can I get away with it? Kind of thing? It really is. Yeah. And I do think they want to get caught. I do, I think, or they want to see how long they can go without getting caught. You know what I’m saying? So, how many people they can pull the wool over? Yeah, absolutely. All right.

Hi, Kris, about to go on a church weekend retreat. I like to go into deep conversations, but I am working on the oversharing. So, I just do surface-level convos kind of boring to me. Well, here’s the deal. Again, if you don’t know these people, would you go to a total stranger and start baring your soul? You shouldn’t. Because you don’t know if that total stranger is a covert narcissist, an antisocial A, you don’t know who they are. So, you want to stick to things that where you get to kind of know each other. And you know, you can talk about life, the universe, and basically everything. But be careful of what you share personally until you feel out whether or not they’re safe. And that takes time. That’s not going to happen over a weekend retreat. It’s going to be more of a you know, let’s see if I like them. Let’s see if we have a lot in common. You know, and you can talk about, you know, things, hobbies. What do you guys have in common? What do you say you’re going to… so religion obviously is important. Talk about that, you know, talk about what do you like to do for hobbies? What do you like to do for fun? Where do you like to travel? I love talking about that. It’s like then I get new places to go to, I’m like, Oh, you liked this loser? Oh, let’s go try that. So, you know, it’s like in. Never underestimate the power of chit-chat. Chit Chat can tell you who a person is. Don’t consider it boring. You know, chitchat is important. Chit Chat is kind of like getting to know the person what is their basic attitude? What is there, you know outlook on life? Are they, you know, pretty much go with the flow? Are they always trying to control things, or, you know, how a person responds to chit-chat is really important. Are they always having to be the center of attention? Are they always turning the conversation back to them? Those are all red flags and things to look out for so chitchat is important. So don’t go diving too deep until you know who they are and what their agenda is. So that’s my recommendation for that. And don’t allow your brain to tell you that it’s boring. It’s no conversation is boring. I mean, it tells me volumes about people. I mean, it’s so interesting to sit in an airport and listen to the conversations going around. And you can know a lot about people just by hearing the conversations, you know. So, anyway, alright, um alright.

My ex-emails me pretending that it is about our kids but then launches into how horrible I am. What do I do? You ignore it? You absolutely ignore it; you know if there’s something so here’s the thing. Suzanna Quintana, I love her. She is a life coach. And she helps people figure out how to whittle down the emails. So, if you’re interested in getting together with Suzanna Quintana, Suzannaquintana.com, she helps people read the emails, find that one line that’s about kids, respond to that, and ignore the rest, you are seriously going to have to become a Zen master. By the time you are done with this, you’re going to be a doctorate in psychology, and you’re going to be a Zen master.

So, no matter what nastiness is thrown at you, yes, they will say oh, it’s about the kid. And then it’ll be a novel. It’s like they all do the same thing. I swear to God, it’s like there’s a friggin handbook out there for how to be a jerk. How to be a narcissistic jerk and three easy steps. So yeah, they all do the same thing. They all you know, say it’s about the kid. And then it’s a diatribe about how horrible you are and all your wrongs, all this and all that. What you’re going to have to do skim through it, look at it like an attorney. And you’re also going to have your law degree. Look at it like an attorney what needs to be responded to? Well, none of this this is all hearsay. None of that that’s all just accusations that I don’t need to respond to you. Oh, look, buried in the middle one line about the kid that is the one line you respond to the rest of it. What you can do is you can write it out and burn it do not respond, do not respond, do not respond, do not respond. Do not respond. Listen to me. Now, believe me later. You do not want this going into a court of law. But what you do want is their diatribe. Do you see where I’m going with that? You want their crazy in there. You don’t want your crazy in there. Does that make sense? Because they make us crazy? They do? They do? Absolutely. And that inner child wants to respond to just be like, You’re wrong. You’re wrong, you’re wrong. Well, they know they’re wrong. And they’re hoping that that inner child is going to respond. Do not respond. Do not do not. I know you want to respond so what you can do is on a separate piece of paper, so you’re not tempted to send it. Write them a go pound sand letter, dear X. You’re a jackass. You’re wrong. None of this is true.

Kris Godinez  47:38

Bleep the bleep at a bleeping bleep you bleeping bleep Do you see where I’m going without? At the very end, take your power back, you know, Mother clucker, I’m not going to respond to you. I’m just going to let you sit there and stew wondering if I’m going to respond because I’m not going to y’all are going to have to wait till doomsday. You see where I’m going with that? Take your power back. There is power in not responding. We think there’s not it’s so weird. In our in our society. It’s kind of like, Oh, but I have to fight back. Oh contraire. They’re sitting there stewing because you’re not responding. So, the best way to piss them right the bleep off. Don’t respond. narcissist. You got to understand guys, narcissists are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, like technical term, they would rather have a negative response to something they’ve said the no response at all. No response at all drives them crazy. Let it. Because then their nastiness is going to ramp up. And if you’ve got our family wizard, it’s going to be clear in our family wizard who the problem is. That’s why you do not want to engage. That’s why you do not want to tit for tat because it doesn’t make a difference there. They are dedicated to misunderstanding you. Let me say that again. You are their punching bag. They are vomiting all of their nastiness onto you. Okay, they’re not going to stop. It doesn’t stop. It doesn’t. When the kid turns 18. It’ll stop until there’s a wedding or a birth or a funeral or some reason that y’all have to get back together again. So just be prepared. This is who they are. They’re showing you who they are. Believe them the first time responding is not going to do any good. It didn’t do any good when you were married to them what the hell makes you think it’s going to do any good now? Don’t respond. No response is the best way to hurt a narcissist seriously because they think their God and they think that they are, you know, deserving. I demand a response. No, you can demand it until the cows come home, mutherclucker. It isn’t going to happen. See where I’m going with that? Don’t give them a response. Write it out and burn it write out whatever you’d like to say to them and burn it. Do not send it.

The other day I had a client, dear God, who sent the letter I told them not to. And they sent it. And of course, it gave the abuser all the ammo they needed to isolate the person from the family. And I was like I told you not to do it. Why did you do it? Well, I didn’t believe you. Okay, how old were you when you didn’t believe me? Because it’s kind of my job. You know, kind of know what I’m talking about, what’s going on. So, we had to work through the whole inner child thing. And the inner child was the one that was like, but, and the inner child really threw a wrench in that relationship by giving the abuser all the ammo. So that’s what you don’t want to do. That’s what they’re going to do anything you say, can and will be used against you. Absolutely. That’s why you say nothing. That’s why you say absolutely nothing because then they got nothing. If you don’t respond, and you’re, you’re responding to whatever the child’s needs are, you know, yes, no, keep it short. Keep it brief, no explanation, just address whatever the issue is yes or no, you know, and if they decide to send another book, great, let ‘em, but you don’t respond to that book unless it has to do with the kid. And you keep it facts and figures only. So that when the, Our Family Wizard goes before the judge, the judge can see you’re responding in an appropriate manner and they are the ones that are being abusive. That’s what you want to do. So, if you feel like you absolutely need to respond, take it out onto a piece of paper, write it out longhand, tell them to go pound sand, tell them whatever. But also, at the very end, take your power back. It’s like you’re going to wait till the cows come home, mutherclucker. I am not responding. You can just sit and stew on that. Have fun. Bye. Bye. Now guess who has the power? Me! Not you!

Kris Godinez  51:48

Me! Not you. That’s what that’s you got to find the humor. You got to find the humor because, remember, narcissists have no sense of humor and take your power back where you can. So that’s really important. Do not respond. Okay.

What does it mean when a man says to you that all men cheat…it says he’s a cheater, so narcissists basically call themselves out. And they will say things like, oh, men cheat, or Everyone lies. Now remember, we talked about that when I talked about the whole, you know if their lips are moving their lying. So basically, what it is, is they cannot conceive. They cannot conceive of people doing things differently than they do. Because in their minds, everyone is exactly like them. And anyone who isn’t exactly like them is the enemy. So, remember that everyone has to be exactly like them. So, because they do something, they say everybody does it. Oh, well, everybody cheats. Everybody lies. No mother clucker. They don’t. And there’s been studies that prove that. So yeah, they’re basically calling their thirst, saying who they are. They are telling you who they are. And they are telling you either what they are doing or what they very will soon be doing. So, I would go get tested, and I would leave. Absolutely. 110%.

I refuse to call my mother for Mother’s Day. Yes, absolutely. That’s okay. I believe no contact is best. But I feel pressure on the holiday to reach out. Yes. Okay, guys, here’s the deal. I hate Father’s Day because I had a really horrible relationship with my dad because he was abusive. Mother’s day, my mom is dead. So um, here’s the deal, and she had issues. God bless her. Um, here’s the deal, you are under no obligation to call them if they were abusive. If they were nasty if they were harmful, hurtful. Here’s the question I asked everybody, if you were not related to them, would you have anything to deal with them? If the answer is no, you act accordingly. Do not have anything to do with them. You’re under no obligation. And what I really hate is when flying monkeys or family friends, you know, get a hold of you, and go like, Oh, well, but, it’s your parents. I don’t care if they were abusive. They have no I have no space in my life for them. Thank you. So, you stay no contact; you don’t feel pressure. Please, do not feel pressured. You do not have to contact them. You don’t if they were abusive, they were neglectful. You know, and here’s the other question. I often ask people it’s like, you know, when they start feeling guilty, like around these holidays, I go, Okay, well, here’s the question. Is your life better without them? Oh, yeah. It’s a lot better without them. There’s your answer. If it’s better without them, keep them out. You don’t need them in. Just because they’re your parent. It doesn’t mean anything. It does their parent in name only. Seriously, think about it. her real mom for real debt is supportive and loving and kind, and there and fun and, you know, offers boundaries and teaches you about life and all that sort of good stuff. Those people are sperm and egg donors. That’s about it. Because there was no emotion. There was no support. There was no love. There was no help. There was no, you know, like, my dad’s hue and cry was, you know, as soon as you’re 18, I’m kicking you out, and I’m doing this, I’m doing that. And did you know he was a horrible person. He really was. And of course, he tried to do that before it turned 18. But, um, you know, they’re not parents. They don’t teach kids how to survive. In the world. They don’t, and they groom us to be abused by other abusers. So yeah, you owe them diddly squat. So, do you don’t feel guilty. Now? Here’s the deal. And I talked about this on Wednesday, shame and guilt. Okay. Guilt is different than shame. Guilt is when we’ve done something we know we shouldn’t have done it, you know, like, we hurt somebody’s feelings. And we know we did. And so, we need to make amends. And then we go do it. Okay. Shame is where somebody else comes in and says you need to feel guilty about this. prefer that shame, guilt, his internal shame is external. So, if you’re feeling shame about not calling your mom, you need to tell those people to go pound sand seriously. It’s like, you know, if anybody ever starts, you know, saying something that oh, well, you shouldn’t talk bad about you, your dad, he’s dead and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I’m like, a dare the bitch. I dare that ghost to come into this room. Because I will give him a piece of my mind. And let me tell you why. And then they’re like, Oh, okay.

So, you know, you don’t owe society or family friends, or flying monkeys or anybody else. An explanation as to why you’re not in contact with them. Although I do I point blank, my dad was an abusive a-hole. Sorry, not going to talk to him. Well, he’s dead. But even if he did come back, oh, well, no, I might give him a piece of my mind. But, you know, it’s it the weird things our society has. It’s like, no if somebody’s abusive, they’re abusive. You do not have to have them in your life. I don’t care what day it is. Does that make sense? Okay, hold on. Let’s see. There was wait a minute, I’m going to answer one more because I think there was another question.

Um, have you ever experienced a flying monkey have them going nuts like wearing winter clothing in summer? You know, that would be schizo, is it effective? Or typal Ah, do I have my book? No, I don’t have any of my books, Lord, that schizotypal or schizoaffective is where they were, and I can’t remember which one it is. And we’ll have to look it up. So, I will readdress that one on Wednesday. John, if we can make sure to have that one on Wednesday, that would be good. It’s one of those two, and they were inappropriate clothing. So, like, yeah, summer clothes in the winter, winter clothes in the summer. Very odd thoughts, thoughts of reference, you know, kind of third person kind of thing. So, I will go more into that on Wednesday. Okay, kids. So, here’s the deal. I am not going to be on air for the next two Sundays because I am taking John on his birthday trip because last year, we did Disneyland that was a disaster because Bob asshat was in charge Chapek And so, I told him I’d make it up to him. So, I am taking him on a cruise. We’re going to Alaska, if you’re interested in doing the meet and greet your last day to buy tickets is on Thursday. So, I will be in Vancouver, BC I will let you know where we are. When you buy the tickets and for Portland, I have not decided on the venue yet. So that’s what you don’t have a thing saying where we’re going to be but I’m going to be in Portland, July 2. So, if you would like to come see me in Portland, or if you’d like to come see me in Vancouver, BC. Please do buy those tickets for Vancouver BC before Thursday because of the cutoff time.

All right, so anyway, there’s that, um, so if you have any questions, go ahead and put them in the comments below. Or you can IM me on Facebook. If you have topics that you would like to see me talk about. Please do let me know. And that’s it. So, you guys have a good couple of weeks takes really good care of yourselves. And I will talk to you not next weekend, not the weekend after but the weekend after that, which will be first weekend in June. So, there’s that alright guys, I will talk to you later. Be good yourself. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.

Related Episodes

07-23-2023 Bad Behavior in Parenting

In this episode of We Need To Talk With Kris Godinez, Kris discusses bad parenting that we experienced from our dysfunctional families of origin and the possible fleas that we picked up.