We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez

06-04-2023 Why They Crush Dreams
In this episode of We Need To Talk With Kris Godinez, Kris discusses the motivations of abusers who crush their target of abuse’s dreams.

Have you ever had someone either pooh, poo, or dismiss or actively destroy your dreams?

Have you ever wondered what would possess someone to do such a heinous thing? What drives an abuser to stop their target of abuse from reaching their potential or from doing what they love?

Well, wonder no more! Kris will break down what the payoff is for abusers who crush dreams!

Hello and welcome to the We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Okay, hi, everybody. So, I am back from my travels. If you want to see what Alaska was like the Alaska cruise that we took, you can go to: We Need To Have Fun with Kris Godinez, which is my other YouTube channel. And I posted up, you know, each little port that we went into and what that looked like. And that was a lot of fun. I highly recommend it. It was a trip of a lifetime. It really was. So, we got to see whales. We got to see seals. We got to see bald eagles, we got to tour all these cool little towns that very much reminded me of, like Jerome and Bisbee. And because they’re all the same time period, it’s all like, you know, 1800s gold rush, you know, that kind of thing. So, it was the history was phenomenal. The Park Service talks were great. I really enjoyed it. So anyway, let’s go on to the current events.

So, this current event that I noticed was on the AP, so in Boston and Massachusetts, apparently, child welfare workers and police knocked on Sarah Perkins and Joshua Sadie’s door. well past midnight one-weekend last summer, the parents were shocked to learn that the state of Massachusetts had come to take their two young sons. It was a harrowing scene that plays out daily across the country. What followed was emotional anguish, bureaucratic battle, and vindication for the parents. So apparently, the child had been taken in for a high fever. They did an x-ray they found an old, cracked ribs so they found a fractured rib that the couple had noticed after speaking with the boy’s grandmother; they learned the injury may have happened two weeks earlier as she moved removed this child from the car seat, she slipped in caught him with one arm I don’t know if I believe that or not. But that’s the story. Citing the fracture, the hospital officials reported the potential abuse to the Massachusetts Department of Children and Families, which as social workers, licensed professional counselors, psychiatrists, doctors, teachers, are all state-mandated reporters. This is chilling because what happens next.

A Few days later, they returned to the house with no paperwork at one o’clock in the morning after they’d already done a visit and said there was no abuse going on. They’d already come to the house had unannounced earlier in the week, looks through the house didn’t see any signs of abuse. They came back a few days later, one o’clock in the morning, no paperwork and took the child. And then they were in a battle. Well, now the couple is suing the state. And they’re suing the social workers. Now here’s where I have a problem with that. Does….what is the word I’m looking for? Does sometimes DCS take children away wrongfully? Yes, absolutely. 110% Does that put social workers doctors, nurses, teachers state mandated reporters in a really bad position? You bet your sweet bippy because in order to keep our license, we have to report if we don’t report a suspicion, like even just and this is, at least in Arizona the way it is here. It’s like if you even suspect that there’s something going on you file an FYI report. It’s just hey, FYI, this is what I think is happening. This is the address; these are the contacts this is I don’t know for sure. But I would like an investigation to happen just to make sure that the child is safe.

So, then they go out and they determine whether the child needs to be removed from the home or not. Not the social worker, not the counselor, not… you know, so that’s what Arizona does. So, and there has to be paperwork, there has to be paperwork. So, it apparently in Massachusetts there doesn’t. But this is a chilling case because they’re basically allowing the social workers, the doctors etc. to be sued in this lawsuit now, do they need to be well, no, because they did the right thing by reporting. I would rather err on the side of caution and make sure that child is safe. because, again, baby’s bones are really hard to break. So, because they’re, they’re green, they’re you know, and they’ll bend and that would take a great deal of force to crack a rib. So that’s why I’m kind of like in not so sure about this. So, um, anyway, it’s, it’s concerning to me because Do I like DCS? Hell no. Do I think that they keep changing their name because lipstick on a pig? You bet. Are they incompetent? A lot of times? You bet. Do I think they’re unnecessary evil? Yeah, unfortunately, there is. John, can we kind of chill out the dog toy? There? Maybe. Okay, take a deep breath. And center. Okay. So um, is it chilling? Yes. Because if they start putting, what’s the word I’m looking for? If they start telling us that we can be sued for reporting, who’s watching out for those kids that are being abused? Who’s going to be able to protect those kids? Who do need to be removed from the home situation? So, I’m keeping an eye on this case. It is very disturbing to me. Do I like DCS? No, do I think they’re a necessary evil? Yes, doesn’t need reform. You bet your sweet bippy. And though they shouldn’t be punishing the social workers, they should be going after the system. The court system Hello, court system has a common denominator. What’s the biggest f-up in this entire scenario? It’s the court system. Hello.

So, they should be going up to the court system that didn’t have the paperwork that didn’t, you know, the left hand didn’t know what the right hand was doing. left hand, right hand, you know what I’m saying? The other left anyway, you know what I mean? It’s like they didn’t know what they were doing left-hand right hand didn’t know what they were doing. Did not know what they were doing. And the child got taken away. necessary, unnecessary? I don’t know. I haven’t seen all the paperwork. But you know, I mean, there would have been enough there for me to say, Yeah, let’s have an investigation. Let’s make sure it’s clear. But they went, and they clear them. That’s I think we’re the what’s the word I’m looking for the sticky point comes in, is because they cleared them. And then four days later came back at one o’clock in the morning, busting down the door and taking the kid. So yeah, I mean, I understand that part. I don’t understand the suing the social worker part because they were just doing what we are state mandated to do and not only state-mandated guys, but we also have a code of ethics that we have to adhere to. Have to you know, and so it just court system needs to be reformed family court system, anything having to do with DCS, you betcha it needs to be reformed. So, if you are in Massachusetts, I strongly urge you to contact groups and start demanding reform because that needs to change. There needs to be paperwork. So, in Arizona, at least, there has to be a paper, there has to be a paper trail. And there has to be, here’s all the information. And here’s this and here’s that you don’t just bust down a door and take a kid without having, you know, paperwork saying this is why we’re doing it.

So, which is so weird, because you would think Arizona would be the Wild West, not Massachusetts, but other way around. Anyway, that is my current event, I’m going to be keeping an eye on that. I am concerned about that, because there’s enough state mandated, mandated reporters that don’t report now, because they don’t want to deal with the paperwork because they’re afraid of being sued. If this if they allow these social workers to get sued, I can guarantee you, the less ethical of us, in my profession, which please remove yourself from my profession, if you’re less ethical, ethical, that will stop reporting. So, in great example, I had a teacher in high school I told her point blank, I was being abused by my dad, she did nothing, you know, why? Didn’t want to fill out the paperwork? If I could throw a middle finger right now at that biatch I would. So yeah, didn’t want to fill out the paperwork was afraid of being sued. And there’s enough state-mandated reporters now that have decided that they don’t want to report because it’s too much work. That’s your frickin job. Don’t get me started. That’s part of my job. So, and I talk about that, and so you want to be a therapist. So yeah, it’s part of the job, you have to stay on the phone with the agencies, you know, the police, the DCS, the judges, the whatever, and make sure that those kids are safe, that’s your damn job. So, and if you’re not willing to do it, get out of my profession. So anyway, so I’m going to be keeping an eye on that particular current event. I’m in no matter what state you’re in. I think it needs to be advocated that the court system definitely needs to be changed. I don’t know how to get going. I would suggest start talking to representatives and get together with a group you know and start demanding change because this has got to change. DCS has got to change. All of the DCS is throughout the country there.

Kris Godinez  09:59

There’s the same problem. Almost no matter what state you’re in, so yeah, anyway, I just think it’s chilling. It’s chilling that they’re kind of saying, Oh, well, we can sue the social workers we can sue. Well, we’re state mandated. What do you expect us to do? Ignore it? Oh, you want us to ignore abuse? Oh, you want us to be okay with that kid dying two years later? Screw you. Yeah, just don’t get me started… too late. Okay, anyway, that happens to be that current event, and it caught my eye because I was like, what in tarnation? Are you thinking so? Anyway, there’s that okay.

So on to why do they crush our dreams? Okay. So disordered, anybody, parents, job people, bosses, friends, family, lovers, etc. If they are dark triad, if they are narcissistic, if they are abusive, they will go out of their way to crush your dreams. Anyone’s dreams doesn’t matter if they can piss on a campfire. They’re going to, so why? That was the question I got is like, Why? Why? Why do they like to crush people’s dreams? What do they get out of it? Oh, a lot. Oh, a lot. So, remember, when you’re dealing with an abusive person, okay? They are narcissistic, psychopath, Machiavellian. So, the rules don’t apply to them. That’s the psychopath part. And crazy control freaks. So, they are invested in hobbling the people around them. Remember, the abuser has to be… the narcissist has to be the smartest, the brightest, the best, the most beautiful, the most talented, the most everything. Nobody can be better than them. Nobody can succeed where they failed. Nobody. So, they will sabotage anyone who looks like that they are going to succeed where they failed. Or they are going to sabotage someone because, oh my gosh, they’re going to get whatever, you know, great job that they wanted. And they’re going to leave, and then I’ll have to find a new supply. That’s what they’re thinking. So, it’s all about me, me, me I, I, I. More. My genitals.

Seriously, that’s all they care about. They don’t care about the kid’s wants, needs, desires, passions. And in fact, if the child is particularly talented and particularly passionate about something, they will go out of their way because they are sadists, they are sadistic, they will go out of their way to sabotage to make sure that that kid loses interest doesn’t like it can’t do it, etc., etc., etc. Because they’re threatened. And they’re threatened, oh, a lot of different levels. So, there’s the control thing, if that person gets joy from doing this thing and recognition from doing this thing, remember the Narcissist views, everything is a pie. So, if they’re getting something… that’s less for them because they’re idiots, so they can’t stand it that the kid is getting recognition, joy, whatever. Because remember, the narcissist does not feel emotions the way we feel emotions. A healthy, normal parent. When they see that their kid is particularly good at something. They encourage it. They support them. They say yes, let’s go do this particular thing that you’re really interested in. I support you 100%. And you do it as long as you like it. Yes, you bet. What a narcissistic parent does is if it’s not something that they are personally interested in, they get angry because they expect everyone to be mini mes. They expect literally everyone around them to think the way that they do that is how disordered there. So, they can’t understand it because they’re not interested in it. So why in the world would anybody else be interested? I mean, seriously, Oh, God.Yeah, I just don’t get me started. So, it’s like the kid who has got a natural knack for baseball, and what is the parent do puts them into basketball? Why the hell would you do that? And the kid hates basketball. So, you know.

Kris Godinez  14:24

And they’re doing it on purpose. They’re doing it on purpose, because it’s not something they’re interested in. That’s one reason they do it. Or they see that the kid has got a talent, you know, is passionate about it loves it, and they’re jealous, and they’re angry, and they’re in competition. So, if this kid is doing well, excuse me. They don’t want them to do well. They don’t. The only time narcissists let their kids shine is if they can steal their thunder. If they can go, oh, yeah, look at how great they’re doing. It’s because of me. I cannot tell you the number of times. I have seen narcissistic parents do that the kid does some amazing thing. And the narcissist will literally stand up at the award ceremony and take credit for it. Wow. Oh, it’s just….It’s a good thing I’m not God because there’ll be a lot of dead people. narcissists, mostly, so no, they do like seriously. And one case where the narcissist stood up, ran across the stage, grabbed the awards certificate, and said I work too hard for this for you to mess this up and grounded away before the kid even got off the stage, and she yelled it so that everyone could hear it. What the actual F? Seriously!

So yeah, they do things like that. If they cannot take credit for it, they don’t want you succeeding in it. They don’t want you to do it. And if you do something amazing, they will be sure to tell everybody and their dog how it was all of them. Oh, they sacrificed. Oh, they put in the long hours. Oh, they did this. They did the…They, they, in reality, they did Jack diddly squat. So yeah. So, it’s got to all be about them. They are pathologically jealous, otherwise known as morbidly jealous morbid, meaning death to death. They’re just to death. That’s it’s not healthy. So, I pulled up some articles. And I’m hoping I can actually read them. Where are my glasses? Okay, we’ll give it a shot.

So, this one is on psychology today. And it says 13 ways narcissistic parents sabotage their children. This is by Julie Hall. This is on psychology today. Narcissistic parents compulsively undercut their children. Both intentionally and collaterally I think it is mostly intentional Oh, God, these glasses need to be clean, good lord. Adultifying or infantilizing the child, so remember one of the reasons that they crush your dreams. It is all about them, who’s going to take care of them. That’s what they’re thinking.

So, they either adultify a child like I’ve had cases where the kid was having to make sure that the parent was on their side so that they wouldn’t aspirate their vomit when they came home drunk. Which… abusive Yeah, that regard reported. You bet. I’m sorry, I’m just that still just ticks me off No, and about the whole Massachusetts thing anyway. Um, you know, makes them the adult makes them responsible for the adult’s wellbeing physically, mentally, emotionally, and otherwise uses them as their own counselor, tells them all their stuff, and expects the kid to find solutions adultifying them or infantilizing them where they tell them oh no, you can’t do that. Oh, no, you’re not. You’re not able to do that. You’re not smart enough to do that. I’ll tell you what, soon as I hear a frickin narcissist tell their kids’ kid is not smart enough to do that. That’s what I know. The kid is way smarter than the narcissist, and that the narcissist is threatened because they know that kid is eventually going to leave. And that’s what this is all about. They do not want their favorite punching bag to leave.

Okay, okay, reward compliance and punish descent. So, a lot of times, I’ll talk to kids that they’re the good kid. You know, they do their work they they are passionate about, they want it they want to leave, they wanted to have a future this, that, and the other thing, and yet the abuser will be rewarding the child that is most like them, usually the golden child, and finding excuses to punish the kid who’s actually healthy. And people wonder why I’m so passionate about this because this is how to how to screw up a kid in two easy steps. Both kids both kids so that the golden child gets screwed up because they never learn responsibility. And the good kid, the other kid, gets screwed up because they’re being told and punished that they’re wrong for being normal. They devalue their interests and strengths unless the children’s interests and strengths reflect the narcissist value or give them bragging rights like I just talked about. Narcissistic parents ignore or actively malign the kids’ passions. They pathologize normal emotional responses. I cannot tell you the number of times I have had clients sitting on my couch apologizing for being sad or apologizing for being angry or apologizing for having any emotion. So, the child has normal want or need, and the parent.

So, for example, the child will want to be fed. Wow, normal, okay, but a narcissistic parent will tell them how selfish they are, and you go make it yourself even though the kid is four or five years old. They will be angry when the child goes to them for comfort. They’ll be angry if the child is crying, they’ll be angry. If the child is angry, there’ll be angry if the child is happy because that’s pretty much the only emotion they allow is anger. Um, they they punish the child for having normal wants and needs. Food, shelter, clothing, compassion, companionship, those are all normal, but a narcissist will tell them that it’s pathological. And then that poor kid grows up not knowing up from down, so they normalized rage in shame. Profoundly traumatizing for children of narcissistic parents is living in an atmosphere of normalized rage and shame, which elicits long-term nervous system hyper activation, interferes with healthy development and sets the stage for both acute and chronic health problems, and adds to general trauma patterns.

That’s the reason why almost all of us coming out of an abusive relationship has got some sort of medical issue going on, usually, you know, like, sort of looking for autoimmune diseases and things like that, you bet. And we’ve been on for so long, it’s like our system doesn’t know how to relax. And when we do Relax, it’s kind of like we feel guilty for relaxing that was another issue that I’ve dealt with adult children of narcissists is that they go to take a vacation, and they’re just like, they’re okay for a little bit, but then they’re like, I should be cleaning, I should be doing this I should be, I should be, I should be, I should be… I need to or I’m going to get punished. That’s the thought they have. So, and it’s because narcissists cannot stand it when somebody has downtime. They cannot stand it when somebody is just relaxing, because it’s a normal state to be in. They can relax, it’s okay for them to relax, but God forbid their kids should. So, they’ll come up with stupid things like my dad used to do this whole thing about well, you need to go outside and pick up twigs. Ah, why? We don’t have a fireplace? Why do I need to go outside and pick up… he couldn’t stand and if I was reading and especially if I was reading something he didn’t like so, um, okay, play favorites and scapegoats we talked about that alienate the relationships.

So, the parents engage in ongoing comparison, triangulation smear campaigns to alienate their children’s relationships with the other parent, other siblings, extended family, and social circle. With adult children with adult children, narcissistic parents may then attempt to alienate their kids from their own children and spouse. Oh, my God, I have had narcissistic grandparents tried to sue for full custody. We beat them in court, thank god. Um, I’ve had narcissistic parents isolate their children so that they didn’t have a social group so that they didn’t know how to socialize. They are in competition with them. This is why they sabotage. This is why they crushed dreams. Because if they can’t have it, nobody else can. So, if the child comes home with a boyfriend or a girlfriend, that parent that narcissist will hit on that boyfriend or the girlfriend. It’s a competition. It is always a competition. It’s always a I have to be best. I have to be the most desirable. I have to be this I have to be, you know, and it’s always crazy. It’s always crazy. They adultify them. We talked about that. They infantilize them to keep them helpless so that they never leave. They bail them out of consequences. We talked about that with the golden child, or they usually abandon, usually, the child that’s healthy in their time of need. Well, you fight your own battles I’m not going to help you. You need to fight your own battles, as opposed to oh, hell no, you’re not going to push my kid around.  You know what I’m saying, which is what they should do, but they don’t. They don’t teach them life skills because we’re trying to make them dependent because they don’t want them to grow. They don’t want them to have confidence or independence, and allowing a child to explore their passions is the best way for that child to learn who they are, and what they like and what they don’t like, and what they want to do, and what they don’t want to do. That’s what being a kid is all about! It’s like, what is this all about? What is this thing called life all about? And you go and you explore, and a healthy parent will allow that! An unhealthy parent, you know, you’re going to grow up, and you’re going to do this, and you’re going to do that, and you, you, you, you, and it’s like they want them to be mini-mes, or they want them to fail, or they want them to stay with them for the rest of their lives. Crazy. They also manipulate financially. So, if the child does reach their potential and does start making money on their dreams, oh, I’ve seen these parents, and I use the term loosely, come back to the kid and blackmail the child. And what’s the word? I’m looking for? Emotional blackmail, it really is. And say, Well, you wouldn’t have gotten where you are if it weren’t for me. So, therefore, you owe me.

Kris Godinez  25:36

I cannot tell you the number of times I have seen that. And I always tell the client do give them nothing. Give them nothing, go no contact. You don’t owe them Jack diddly squat. You did this on your own. So, let’s talk about where you came from and where you are now and what you owe these Jack wagons. Zero, you owe them zero. They may have been an egg donor. They may have been a sperm donor, but they are in no way shape or form are actual parents. Oh, so there is that! They will do that though. They’ll come knocking at the door and want money once the child has done something they’re passionate about. And they’re good on make money at it. And oh, yeah. Oh, you betcha. So. 

And remember, they’re crushing your dreams, not because of you. But because of them. Because it’s an agenda for them. What is their agenda? What do they get out of it? What do they get out of crushing your dreams? So, their status? They enjoy watching you suffer number one. Number two, what’s their endgame? What’s their endgame? So, if they’re adultifying you it’s because you’re taking care of them. They don’t want you to go away. If they’re infantilizing you, it’s because you’re dependent on them. And then they don’t want you to go away. Those two are very similar. You know, if they’re sabotaging because they’re jealous, it’s the pathological morbid jealousy, and they don’t want you to be better than them. Or they’ll start competing with the kid. Oh my God, that’s the other thing I’ve seen is that the kid will say, I’m really interested in, say, Let’s like, let’s say playing the violin. So, the kid will go learn how to play the violin and be really good at it. And all of a sudden, the parent is like, oh, well, I’m gonna take lessons and be in competition with the kid. And I’ve seen that I’ve seen not necessarily with the violin, but I’ve seen them take over a passion that the child had and then compete with them. So, I’m better than you. They literally have said that. I’m just like, nobody cares, dude. It’s all about the kid. Now. Your time has come and gone. Goodbye. You know, I mean, or dudettes that. Dudettes do that, too. So, you know, it’s this weird competition thing. So, there is that? Okay, um, all right.

How are we doing on time? Oh, very close. I will get to the questions very soon. How emotionally immature parents sabotage their children. Core obliteration. So, they lie to them. They gaslight them. They tell them oh, no, you’re not good at that. Oh, no, you can’t do that. Oh, no, you’re not smart enough. Oh, no, you’re not pretty enough. Oh, no, you’re not tall enough Oh, no, you’re not handsome enough. They lie to the child about who the child really is. They will tell the child they’re ugly. They’ll tell the child they’re stupid. They’ll tell the child that they’re not bright. My dad did that one. He was totally you’re the cute one, not the smart one. And I’m just like… You must have been so threatened by me. So um, anyway, there is that, so they obliterate their core sense of self.

So, in order to start working on all of this sabotage that they have done, you want to get the self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi work that multiple times. It takes about three months to go through the first time. When you’re done, go back through, do it again. When you’re done, go back through, do it again, you’re going to get different answers every single time as you get stronger and stronger in your core strength and remembering who you really are, as opposed to what these jackwagons told you, you were. So yeah, they try to obliterate our core being our core sense of self. They try to get us to rely on external esteem as opposed to internal esteem, self-esteem. Because that’s what they’re doing. They rely on outside stuff. So, they don’t want us to be strong and ourselves. They disturb our process. Being a child and these developmental stages, children learn how to set boundaries, build a memory and language and even know how to form relationships. The behavior of emotionally immature parents interrupts these fundamental movements of development, both mentally and emotionally. They put up walls where their children need bridges, and they wind up with adult children who have major delays and flaws in the way they think, communicate, and bond with others. Oh, hell yeah. They take away hope it’s not surprising to know that they enjoy watching that child be depressed, anxious, or have emotional regulation problems because they enjoy watching the child suffer. They say that they’re doing it for your own good, but I’m just telling you this so that you’re not disappointed. I’m sorry. You know what? Life is a series of disappointments. That’s how we learn. It’s a series of failures. That’s how we learn. Do you ever watch a baby walk? They get up, they toddle a little bit, they fall on the floor, and then they get back up, and they toddle a little bit fall on the floor. If a narcissist had anything to do with that process, they would interfere with it. Oh, I just, oh, I’m doing this for your own good. I’m not going to let you walk. Ah, that’s how the kids learn balance, you stupid…. Do you see what I’m going with that?

Kris Godinez  30:47

So, they interfere with our process of learning to deal with disappointment or learning to deal with failure. Failure is not a bad thing! To a narcissist it is Holy mackerel! To a narcissist it is because it’s all about the win. They have to win. Everything has to be a win. Failure is not tolerated, blah, blah, blah. Well, that’s utter and total moo, because we learn from our failures. When something doesn’t go right, you analyze it; if you’re healthy, and you go, well, crap, that didn’t work. What could I have done differently? Oh, that’s what I’ll do next time. And you don’t make it mean anything about you. You don’t beat yourself up, you don’t put yourself down. Narcissists love to do that. If we make a mistake, man, they’ve got our nose in it like nonstop for years. So that’s again, that’s part of their sabotage, that’s part of their crushing our dreams. And they make us feel like we’re bad and wrong. If something doesn’t work out, if something doesn’t work out, you just kind of go, okay, well, let me try something different. And you try something different, you know, they create outcasts. We always feel like we’re an outcast. That is something that I talked about with one of my clients this last week, like we’re outside kind of peering in, like peers, social groups, and we’re kind of like going home, I’d love to be over there. I’m not quite sure how to do it. So, we feel like outcasts because they’ve interrupted our normal socialization, they isolate, they make sure their kids don’t have friends, they find fault with all of their friends, that kind of thing. So that’s another way to crush someone’s dreams is to interfere with their normal dating process, or their normal making friends process, because, you know, it’s a normal part of life. They have a warped reality. Okay, so there is that. Let me get to the questions here in just a minute, I promise.

When people don’t support your dreams, okay. So, this is when you say, Hey, I’ve been thinking of writing a book, and they go, Oh, well, you know, getting published is really hard. Listen to me now, believe me later. You do not want to share your dreams with an abuser, ever, ever, ever, not on this or any other planet. Because they will naysay, they will piss on your campfire. They enjoy it. So, you’ve got… this is part of the whole learning to not share with the abuser do not share with the abuser. If you take nothing else away from this whole talk. Do not share with the abuser. Do not share your most fervent dreams or passions or desires or wants or anything else. Because number one, they’re not going to get it, and number two, they’re going to be jealous. And number three, they’re going to try to figure out how to sabotage it. So do not share with them. The second somebody is a naysayer, you just kind of go Oh, thank you for your input, and then walk away and do not share anymore, and they will come at you and be like, Well, how’s that booklet? Well, how’s this going? How’s everything? Oh, how about them, Dodgers? That’s what you do you talk about the Dodgers or whatever sports team happens to be in your state Dodgers are not in Arizona, but they’re my team. So anyway, there it is. I’m going to tell that to the Diamondbacks.

So how to recognize a naysayer? This is usually how it unfolds. You dream up a plan that excites you to the core of your being and maybe an adventure, a new career path, an artistic pursuit or a crazy invention? to rival Velcro. Hopefully, it involves a plan to inspire, inspire you to, you know, go out and do. Your you’re going to want to share with family and friends, and the healthy ones will say go for it. The unhealthy ones will give you helpful advice along the lines of I know someone else who tried that, and it didn’t work out for them. I’m sorry and what? Your confidence will be attacked. Are you sure you’re qualified? Naysayers love to highlight the practicalities of your dream. Well, you can’t make any money doing that. My dad did that. But my dad absolutely did that when he demanded that I go to cosmetology school to become a cosmetologist instead of letting me go through my degree to figure out what I did want to do in life. You know, I mean, it’s I did get my degree, but I had to. Yeah. So um, or they’ll call upon normal people. as the basis for their argument pointing out how you’re destined for failure because you’re not acting like one of them. Normal people usually get a real job.

Kris Godinez  35:09

Oh my god. You know what? These people can go pound sand sideways with an unlubricated baseball bat, as far as I am concerned. So as soon as somebody starts naysaying you, you want to walk away, consider the source, and do not take it to heart. Now, I mean, obviously, I wanted to go into acting, okay, that’s getting my degree in theatre arts. So, I knew going in that acting was probably not going to be my end degree. So, my dad, of course, swooped in and was like, No, you need to be a cosmetologist, you’re not going to make a living, bla bla bla bla bla. Well, I did work in cosmetology for a few years, I hated it. I hated it.It wasn’t my thing. I’m not interested in fufu stuff I’m not interested in they’re not interested in makeup, obviously, you know, I’m not interested in the latest fashions or whatever. And so, I was like, No, I think my passion lies with psychology. But instead of being allowed to come to that conclusion, which I was sort of coming to that conclusion when I was in college anyway, but allowed to come to that conclusion, he interfered. So yeah, they do that, do not tell them, so when I went in to get my master’s degree, I told no one. I told my oldest sister, that was it. I told my oldest sister and that was it. I told nobody else I was getting my master’s degree because I didn’t want the naysay, and I didn’t want the interference. And I didn’t want you can’t do this. You’re the cute one, not the smart one, blah, blah, blah. So anyway, you got to learn not to tell them.

Okay, the psychology of an asshat. Most often naysayers have unfulfilled dreams of their own. They don’t live in inspired existence because they’re too busy living in fear or judgment. Maybe they made the mistake of listening to their own naysayers, or maybe they’re narcissists. Chances are, they are living in fear, fear of loss, fear of being alone, fear of change, fear of losing control, fear of being insignificant, fear of death, fear of injury, fear of being judged. Your wild ambitions threaten the naysayer. They want to keep you simple and predictable. And by pissing on your party hat, they’re hoping to keep you small and easy to manage. Your goal threatens to throw out the equilibrium of their universe. But the naysayer is out of luck, because the entire universe does not actually belong to them as much as they love to believe it does. So basically, you ignore them, you block them, you don’t tell them about you, your plans, or your dreams or whatever, and you severed ties with them. That’s ultimately what you’re going to have to do. And a lot of people resist that, because they’re like, but it’s my family. And I’m like, if you were not related to these people, would you have anything to do with them? And if the answer is no, act accordingly, so that is why they crush your dreams. They have an agenda. They absolutely do. And it’s like I said, it’s me, me, me, I, I, I. More. My genitals. Because they don’t want you to do better than them. Or they’re threatened by you, or they don’t want you to leave because you’re either taking care of them or you’re dependent on them, and it makes them feel important. So, the adultification/infantilization they’ve got an agenda and you want to take a look at what is this person’s endgame? Why are they pissing on my campfire? What is really going on here?

So, and with my dad’s end game is that he had been threatening to cut me off since I was 14. And so, his whole thing was, you know, I want you to get a job so I can cut you off so that your mother won’t come after me. Blah, blah, blah. So that was his end game, and I knew it. Money was his God. So that was his point. But he also was incredibly threatened by me and my older sister. And you know, you just got to kind of figure out what is their endgame. What do they get out of this? What’s the payoff? What’s going on here? And you’ve got to remember do not share your most intimate personal hopes, wants, needs, desires, dreams, passions with somebody who is going to piss on your campfire. If they piss on your campfire, they have shown you who they are. Walk the hell away, cut them the hell off. They are no bueno for you. So that is why they crush dreams. They’re sadistic, they enjoy it, or they’re getting something out of it otherwise, so hope that answers to the questions. Okay, let’s speaking of questions, let’s go to the questions. All right, let me make this little, bigger so I can maybe do this without the glasses. There we go.

How do I give my daughter advice when issues are coming up in her life without making her feel like everything is a negative reaction? I phrase positively but no teenager wants advice. Oh, you are not wrong on that one. Um, you know, it’s kind of like I don’t think any adult really likes advice either, especially if it’s unsolicited. So, what you could do is talk about your own experiences, you know, did something similar happen to you? How did you cope with it? What did you do? That’s kind of more helpful and more insightful than, well, let me tell you what you need to be doing. Because I mean, honestly, it’s not just teenagers that feel that way. Adults don’t like that, either. So, and I’m not saying you’re doing that, but I’m just saying one of the ways that I teach people to, you know, open the dialogue, because remember, it’s got to be a dialogue. It can’t just be a; I’m lecturing you because I’m older. And I know more. It’s got to be a dialogue. It’s like, wow, you know, when I was your age, this happened to me, and this is how I dealt with it. You know, do you have any questions? Get a dialogue going, get a back-and-forth going, you know? So, I would be very wary of giving advice as in, let me tell you, I would be more couching it in. From my experience. This is this is what happened to me. This is how I handled it. What do you know, what do you think about what the situation you’re in? open-ended questions, that’s what therapists do. And that’s what parents should do. So, a lot of us were raised by authoritarian instead of authoritative. And so authoritarian parents are like no open-ended questions, I will tell you how it is, this is the way it’s going to be bla bla bla bla. Now, I’m not saying that you’re not occasionally going to do that when it’s a serious, you know, oh, my God, they can be in danger or hurt themselves. But it’s like for, you know, getting a dialogue going, you know, I could never have a conversation with my dad, I could have a deeper conversation with my backdrop here that I would with my father because there was no there, there. So, you want to open a dialogue. You want to ask open-ended questions? Well, what do you think? You know, so this is going on in your life? What do you think, you know, let me tell you what I did when that I was in that situation, because a lot of us have gone through pretty much similar situations. So, open a dialog, you know, um, there are some great books on parenting teenagers, I would suggest getting them and looking them up and seeing the communication skills in there to help open up that dialogue and get that communication going. So, it’s so that they feel comfortable coming to you and going, Holy crap, this is going on. What do you think? See where I’m going with that? You want the trust; you want the trust? And actually, nobody likes getting unsolicited advice. So, what you want to do is you want to open up the open-ended questions, you know, tell me more what’s happening. How are you feeling? What, what do you want to do about this? Well, do you want to know what I think about this? You know, and they may say, No, you know, but at least give them that opportunity to be like, I Please mother, I’d rather do myself, right? Or, you know, yeah, Mom, I do or Dad, I do want to know how you handle the similar situation, you know, get that dialogue, and that mutual respect. That’s really, really important. Okay. There’s that one. Okay.

Do narcissists use their child’s dream? And try to make it their own? Oh, yes. Oh, my gosh, yes, they do. They.

Kris Godinez  43:15

And they do this because they have no sense of self. They don’t know who they are, let alone anybody else. So, when somebody has a dream, and it looks pretty good. They suddenly decide that that’s their dream. So, if you look at stage mothers, you know, Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton wrote a great book about how his mom wanted to be an actor but then took over his career, and he didn’t want to be acting. He wanted to do other things. But, you know, or there’s that other book. Oh, one of my clients is reading, and she really loves it. I’m glad I’m glad my mom’s Dead and this is by another actor in Hollywood. I can’t think of who it was. But that’s another good one. Because another stage where I took over that passion and turn it into a nightmare. You betcha they do that?  A narcissist mom I knew, this mom I knew pretended to her daughter’s dream of becoming a scientist was her own dream. And her daughter got it from her. Yeah. Because then she could sit there and say, Oh, well. That was my dream. And and she inherited it from me. So again, looping it back. It’s the weirdest. Oh my god, it’s the weirdest thing. Hang on. So, narcissists always have to loop back to them, conversations. Somebody’s success. You know, it’s kind of it kind of reminded me of like, when we were living in LA, it’s like a weather event would be happening across the country. And somehow, the broadcaster would always be like, what does that mean for Los Angeles? Like, nobody cares, which is a very narcissistic thing to do. So, they loop it back to them. So Even though it doesn’t have anything to do with them, they loop it back to them. So that’s what they’re doing. They have to feel important. They have to feel like it was their idea that they inspired it, that they’re inspiring. That’s their whole BS. Don’t get me started. Yes, that is a common thing to do. Or they’ll take it over and try to outdo the kid. I’ve seen that happen to so Yep, absolutely. Let me see. Oops, stop that computer. Um, yeah, they do that. Absolutely. Okay.

I always over I’m always overpacking, not just close with everything I could possibly need when out. I assume this is trauma related. Oh, my God. Yes. Oh, my God. Those of us who overpack, raise your hand. Yes, that me? Totally. You betcha. It’s only been in recent years that I’ve kind of stopped doing that. Yeah, because we’re afraid. So overpacking is like, oh my god, what if I don’t have it? What if? What if. What if. Living in a future has not happened? So yeah, I mean, it’s true. It is a trauma response because our abusers tend to live in lack and scarcity. At least mine did. Everything was, you know, lack and scarcity, plenty for them. lack and scarcity for the rest of us. So yeah, we have a tendency to overpack. Ask John.  It’s like we traveled somewhere in the past, I would not only have my GPS, but I would also have paper maps to back it up, just in case. You know, it’s, yeah, it’s a trauma response. You betcha. You betcha. But it can be overcome because it’s kind of like what I’ve gotten into the habit of doing is… Okay, is there a laundry that I can use? Yes. Okay, so now I only need to pack like three days’ worth of clothes. And out of that, three days’ worth of clothes. I only need one of each.

You know, so when I went to Alaska, the only thing I overpacked was the evening gown because they told us that there would be a formal night. And John and I both kind of looked at each other. And we did bring stuff for formal. We did dress up for his birthday. But you know, we looked at each other on the formal nine. We were both like, do you feel like dressing up? Now? Do you feel like dressing up now? Oh, thank God when we went to the buffet, so um, you know, it’s a matter of reassuring yourself. It’s like, where am I going? Yes, they have stores. If I don’t have it, I’ll buy it. It’s not going to kill me. You know what I’m saying? It’s like you don’t need to pack everything. So um, and I would talk to your therapist about that; that is definitely a trauma response. So, I would get CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. Self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. All the anxiety get an anxiety workbook. What is this about? What are you afraid of? What’s the fear? What are you afraid of not having? And what really are you afraid of not having so we say it’s stuff but in reality, it’s something else safety, love, comfort? What is going on? What does this stuff mean? And that’s really important. Okay, let me get back to this.

I’m always prepared for chaos and disaster to strike at any time. Well, now there’s nothing wrong with that. I do tend to I had a for example, I had a sewing kit and my girlfriend’s wedding to fix all the dresses. That actually is a brilliant idea. So let me just say this, there is a difference between trauma packing and packing common sense. So, on the cruise, I wish I had brought a little sewing kit with me; I did not have one. So, my swimsuit strap decided to just snap, and I’m like, really? So, I went to the concierge, and I was like, please, please tell me you have a sewing kit. So, they did, and they brought it to me, and I fixed it. So yeah, when you’re doing something like, you know, a wedding or you know, something that you know, safety pins, safety pins are great. I take safety pins with me; usually, I didn’t on this trip. But usually, I take safety kids with me just in case something breaks or something happens. Um, but you don’t want to be packing up the kitchen sink and the entire house and bring it with you. But you do want to have like, you know, a first aid kit, a sewing kit. Those things are okay, that’s not being crazy. That’s kind of planning ahead and going okay. Yeah, I’ve had things go south. So, let’s take a little sewing kit. Let’s take a little, you know, first aid kit. That’s smart. That’s not That’s not a trauma that smart. But what I would do in the past is I would literally like, well, what if this happens and I need to have this? What if that happens that I need to have that but overpack, you know, just like trying to plan for every single possibility well, overplanning is a trauma response because we needed to be you know, well, if this happens, I’m going to do that. If that happens, I’m going to do that. So, we’re trying to stay safe so it’s a matter of staying safe. So, if you find yourself overpacking because you’re trying to stay safe, that’s when you talk to your therapist and get the anxiety workbook and all of that sort of good stuff. If you’re just doing things that are like Girl Scout kind of things like we need a sewing kit and we need first aid kit. Oh, I’m totally on board with that. I think that’s smart. So, yep, but it is a trauma response to overpack. You bet and over plan. You’ll be you’ll know that we overthink, we over plan. Good Lord, You betcha. It’s, I got to tell you the first time that John and I planned a trip, and I did not book a hotel. He was just like, what is wrong with you? And I’m like, I’m working on being spontaneous. And it’s true because we tend to plan things out. So, we stay safe. And now I’m much better about kind of rolling with it. I mean, this next trip that we’re going to take, I do have to plan things out because we’ve got the dogs with us. So, you know, that’s a little more comfortable with that. But you are mostly it’s like, if we’re just the two of us, and we’re taking a weekend. I’ll try not to over plan. So yeah, it is. It is a trauma response. You betcha.

Okay, what did you when you’ve gotten away from the narcissist, it’s still find yourself crushing your own dreams? Oh, self sabotage. Okay.

Kris Godinez  51:02

So, what we often do, and this is totally normal, is that we find ourselves acting like our abuser. I know it’s like, what? Yeah, so we crush our own dreams because they’ve instilled in us such fear of success that it’s not okay for us to be successful. So, when I wrote my first book, What’s Wrong with Your Dad? I wasn’t worried about it not being read. In fact, I would have been perfectly happy had nobody bought it because I know how to deal with failure. But I did not know how to deal with success. I didn’t because every time I was successful, it either got taken away from me. Or I was told that it was because of them. Or do you see where I’m going with that? So, I didn’t know how to deal with success. So, I was terrified when my books started selling and doing well. You know, when this started doing well, it was kind of like, what the how, how do I deal with success? Oh my god. So basically, it’s giving yourself permission, it’s okay for you to be successful. Mirror work like a boss. So self-sabotage has to do with we’ve incorporated because we’ve heard the brainwashing for so many years. We’ve incorporated that sabotage into our internal dialogue. That’s the inner critic. So, you want to start working on the inner critic. Thank you, inner critic, for trying to sabotage I hear you, I see you, and guess what? You have no power. You know why? Because I say so. Go pound sand by Do you see where I’m going with that? So, you’re going to work on the inner critic. You’re going to work on that part of you that wants to sabotage. You’re going to do the Inner Child Workbook by either Catherine Taylor or Lucia Cappacchione. You’re gonna work on when did you first notice them sabotaging you and when did you first notice you sabotaging you. So and mirror work? Hi. Good to see you. Have a great day. You know what? It is okay for you to be successful. It is okay for you to succeed. It is okay for you to do your passion. It is okay. It is okay. And then walk out. So that’s what I want you to work on. That’s going to help the most Self-Esteem Workbook Glenn Schiraldi. All great books. Do it. Do it, do it.

Um, let’s see what to do. When you find yourself convinced of your own reasons. Oh, when you find yourself convinced by your own reasons that your dreams cannot come true. Well, here’s the deal. You’ve got until that self-saboteur to shut up. And here’s the thing. So, you try them, and they don’t work. What’s the worst that can happen? They don’t work. Do something else, you know. So, it’s kind of like how to explain this is kind of like, again, that goes back to the abusers can’t stand anybody winning besides them.

Kris Godinez  53:57

They instilled this fear of failure in us, which is weird, because failure is how we learn. And so, if a dream doesn’t work out, it’s not the end of the world do something else. Investigate. This is what life is about. And this is especially with the growing up period is about that abusers interfere with. You try different things. That’s why kids in high school, try different things. In college, try different things. What do I like? What do I not like? What do I want to do for the rest of my life? What do I don’t want to do for the rest of my life? And it’s okay to experiment. It’s okay to try things out and see if you like them. So, if one thing doesn’t work out, you will, you know, it doesn’t work out because try it. You know, don’t go into it going, Oh, it’s going to fail. You want to go into going I’m going to see where this goes. And then, you know, it’s just like when I went to go learn how to surf. I’ve always wanted to learn how to surf. Always, always, always, always, always. What I’m doing in a desert is beyond me. But anyway, when I was in Maui a few years ago, I took a surfing lesson. And it was fantastic. I surfed. It was awesome. I loved it. I just love, love, love, love, love, love. If I could live in Hawaii, I would…. can’t afford it. Anyway. The point being is love surfing, tried it, loved it. What am I going to do next? I don’t know, maybe paddleboarding? I mean, I’ve done paddleboarding on like lakes and lagoons, but not the ocean with like, you know, waves. So you know that, maybe that’s next. So, you just try things, but you allow yourself the what’s the… luxury of failing? It’s like, okay, so it didn’t work. Now what now? What can I do? What else do I want to do? What else do I want to try? You know, what else? Am I passionate about it at least you will have done it. Does that make sense? Abusers try to stop us from even having the experience because they can’t understand unbridled joy. They can’t understand unbridled excitement. They can’t understand even unbridled fear; really, they don’t get it, especially if they’re a psychopath. You know, they don’t want us to have those normal emotions. So, allow yourself the normal emotion of trying something, and maybe it doesn’t work out, and it’s okay. It’s okay. The world is a big, beautiful place. There’s tons of things to do. And there’s tons of things to be passionate about. If one doesn’t work out, try something else. It’s okay. It’s okay. So that I think is the big thing is giving yourself permission. How are we doing on time? Okay. Mm hmm.

Kris Godinez  56:25

Okay, I think this one is going to be our last one. I used to be told, I am deformed and looked abnormal. I knew it wasn’t true. But why? Because they were sabotaging you. It’s just like abusers that tell their kids you know, you’re stupid, or you can’t do this, or you know, you’re the cute one, not the smart one, etc., etc., etc. Because they’re trying to hobble your core being, so Self-Esteem Workbook Glenn Schiraldi, I kid you not, get it work it. Because when a parent has tried to get to that core being and destroy who we are, and you know, oh, you’re deformed, you’re ugly. Or this, you’re abnormal. Baba, Baba. They’re giving us their issues. And they’re giving us lies. And they’re trying to hobble us so that we don’t go off and explore and find who we are. That’s how you… doing things you’re afraid of, like, you know, I was free to surfing. I got to tell you, because, you know, like, about this whole falling off the board thing? Where rash guard, you’re fine. You know, but it was nerve-wracking. But it was exhilarating. It was wonderful. And it gives you that little boost of confidence. It’s like, wow, I can do this. This is awesome. Or even Wow, I can’t do this. What else can I do? You know, I mean, it’s like, either way, be okay with it. But especially when they go after, like, you know, self-esteem things, looking in the mirror. That’s a self-esteem thing. They’re trying to keep you from talking to yourself in the mirror. They’re trying to keep you from knowing who you really are, and your own worth and your own beauty and your own normalcy. Okay, because they’re abnormal. So, they’re telling you that you’re abnormal, but they’re abnormal, normal parents don’t tell their kid that they’re abnormal. Does that make sense? So, work on the self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi get with a good trauma therapist EMDR would be really good with that one. I think CBT also would be really good with that when those two modalities and in conjunction I think would be good to help work on that. Do the Glenn Schiraldi book because he works specifically on building the core back up. So, when a narcissist has tried to rip that core away, you build it back up. Absolutely. Okay. Let me make sure there’s nothing else. That is, it. Okay, hold on half a tick. I want to go see what the heck I’m talking about next week, because I forgot to look it up. Because that is just what I do.

Kris Godinez  58:51

Okay. Next week is our relationship with food. So, we’re going to talk again, why so many of us have eating disorders after we come out of these abusive relationships. So why so many of us struggle with our weights, etc., etc., etc. So, we’re going to talk about our relationship with food and how to make that a little bit healthier. So there that is all right, my loves you guys go have a great week on Wednesday. I’m going to answer whatever questions I didn’t get to. And I will talk to you later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.

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