We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez

06-05-2022 Healthy Parenting
In this episode of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez, Kris discusses Healthy Parenting vs. Unhealthy Parenting and what you can do to be the parent to yourself that you never had!

Kris Godinez  00:02

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA, or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Okay, let’s dive in to parenting. So I’m going to kind of do a contrast and compare the healthy versus the unhealthy. And I’m going to try to go chronologically, so this makes sense. So abusers when they decide to have children, it is for one purpose and one purpose alone and it is to basically trap their supply for the next 18 years. Hand to heart, I swear to God, that’s what they’re thinking. So when they’re pushing for a baby, that’s a huge red flag, especially if it’s early on in the relationship if they’re if you guys have known each other for a very, very, very short amount of time. And when I say short amount of time, I mean, less than a year. Okay? And the person you’re dating, love bombing, love bombing, love bombing, oh, you know, future faking Let’s talk about having babies. Let’s talk about how we’re going to be together. Let’s talk about… see where I’m going with that. So, they, they future fake, and they start talking about having babies and they get you thinking, oh, this person will be a great mom or a great dad or whatever. And you guys haven’t even been together a year. That’s a red flag on the play 15 yard penalty, back it up. You know, you want to be very careful. The next thing that abusers do because here’s the thing, healthy people don’t have babies, to connect somebody to them unhealthy people have babies to connect somebody to them.

The other thing that people do is disordered people is that they are giving that baby a job. So that baby is intended to keep them company. So, remember I talked about the mini me’s, keep them company, be their best friend. love them unconditionally. If you’re looking for somebody who’s going to keep you company, be your best friend and love you unconditionally, get a dog, don’t have a baby. So they look at the child as an object. Again, narcissists do not perceive babies, as people, they, they are extensions of them. And that’s how they view them. And so this child now has a job this child is supposed to keep them company, this child is supposed to love them unconditionally, this child is supposed to save the marriage this child is to you know, fill in the blank. That’s not fair. Babies cognitively cannot save a marriage. Okay, and if you’ve ever had a child, babysat children, had nieces and nephews had great nieces and nephews, you know how much work they are. And you know how much time goes into them. So unhealthy parents get jealous that the healthy parent is spending time with that little one, because the little ones need a lot of time and attention. Because that’s simply the nature of the way of being a baby, you know, babies are helpless, they literally cannot feed themselves change themselves, you know, protect themselves, etc. So, it’s the job of the parents to do all of that. But a narcissistic parent will have a fit and start punishing the healthy parent for spending, quote, unquote, too much time with baby.

Kris Godinez  04:12

Anybody else see a problem with that? I sure as heck do. So that’s another red flag. If you’ve got a partner that is suddenly jealous that you’re taking care of this child and spending time with this child, there’s a problem there is a huge problem. Now healthy couples find balance, they find the way to take care of the baby and still be a couple they don’t forget being a couple. But what the narcissist wants is they want all of the attention all the time and they view the child as a rival they do. So, they get jealous, they get angry, they start accusing the spouse, whichever one doesn’t matter, male or female, of loving the child more than them, etcetera, etcetera. It’s just crazy. The things that I have heard come out of their mouths is just cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

So good parenting is you find the balance and if there is an issue in the relationship like if there isn’t enough time being paid to both the child and the couple and individual, it’s a balancing act, you have to have time for yourself, you have to have time for your partner and you got to have time for your kiddo. So again, what narcissists love to do and one of my clients brought it up this week, and it just it made me so sad is that they got told over and over again, they got told over and over again. And I had this happen to me to children or to be seen and not hurt. No, no, no with a site of no extra helping of no and a hell note to go with that. So that is a very, um, Victorian kind of attitude where the upper crust would shove their kids into a nanny, and they were expected to never bother the parents. So that ain’t here and now. So, okay, so good parents spend time on themselves. They spend time with their spouse, and they’re able to spend time with their child. That is a balancing act, especially in today’s economy. It’s insane, I mean, the cost of childcare is I just don’t even know how young couples are able to do it. I really don’t I just and if there’s no family around, if the family themselves are disordered, they don’t have help. So, this is why if you are facing a situation where you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you’ve got the small child, there’s something called the respite, nursery, and it’s in Phoenix. So just look up respite nursery in Phoenix. There’s other programs through different churches and different social agencies that you can get a break. So super important to do that if you are still currently in a relationship with one of these people.

Okay, good parenting, good parenting. And when we were little kids, and we were raised by an abuser, we did not have good parenting. Let’s be clear. Anybody who screamed at you yelled at you made you terrified. told you were the problem. That’s bad parenting. That’s bad parenting. So, what narcissists do is they expect that little child to cognitively be a miniature adult.

Kris Godinez  07:19

That’s not how it works. So, the thing that narcissists do not have our abusers do not have is patience, they do not have patience. So, in order to be a good parent, you have got to have patience, first and foremost with yourself because mistakes are going to be made. Let’s face it, there is no parent out there, that is perfect. There isn’t. We’ve all made mistakes we have, you know, and so you forgive yourself, you figure out how to do it better. You correct it, you talk with the kids, and you move on with an abuser, though they look at that kid and they go Mini-Me, mini-adults, they need to be doing exactly what you think. If I say jump, they should ask How high will three year old’s don’t have that concept, sorry. And so, a three year old will get bored sitting somewhere or in a car or in a line or whatever. And so, narcissists are absolutely impatient with their kids. They absolutely yell at them scream at them demand that they sit for hours at a time and be quiet for hours at a time. That’s not I don’t know about you, but when I was a kid, I like to run around. I still like to run around it makes me happy. So, they treat the child as if they should be a little Perfect. Perfect. Mini-Me that is so unfair to the kid. Kids are not perfect. We are not perfect. The narcissist is not perfect, they will never acknowledge that.

So, I’m in good parenting you recognize you’re not perfect, the child is not going to be perfect stuff is going to go sideways, and you do the best you can with what you have and always with patience and with love. Nothing a narcissist does nothing an abuser does is done with either patients or love because they don’t have any patience. And they wouldn’t know love if it walked up and did the Watusi with them. So in re parenting yourself. I think the biggest thing I would impart to you is when you’re doing the mirror work Hi, good to see you have a great day. I give you permission to forgive yourself to have patience with your self that is the biggest thing I would impart because the abuser is like you know I want it now I want it now I want it now I want it now we need to do this now we didn’t in in in in it you know and the kid is constantly being rushed. And that’s not fair. Kids are not fast guys. They’re not when they’re, you know getting ready for school. How many of us have gotten little ones ready for school and they’re playing video games or they’re reading a book or they’re, you know kind of dawdling that’s what kids do. You know, of course you don’t allow that to continue but, you don’t scream at them. as if they are committing a cardinal sin either. You correct them with love, and you help them and you explain to them why this is not okay behavior or what you need from them or whatever. narcissists don’t do that narcissist if their immediate demand or command is not meant with immediate action, that kid is going to get the living crap either beaten out of them or screamed at them or whatever and you can’t do that. You can’t do that with yourself and you cannot do that with little ones.

So when you’re doing the mirror work, something that narcissists do not ever do with children or themselves or anybody else. They do not love. And so when we’re working on loving ourselves, re parenting ourselves or we’re working with oh my gosh, I have a child I don’t want to make the same mistakes that happened with me. So, it’s always with intent and with love. That is what you were looking at what is your intent? Are you doing it with love? Is there patience? Is there forgiveness for the self not for the narcissist the Narcissist can go pound sand, but you’ve got to have patience for yourself. You got to have patience for your little one. Boundaries, boundaries, like a boss seriously in parenting. So again, if you’ve ever been around a two-year-old, three year old, four year old toddlers, okay? They are manipulative like nobody’s business but it’s not manipulative, like a narcissist is manipulative. And sometimes people get triggered by that manipulation and they get angry at the child and they start you know, don’t you dare that and edit it as a stop, stop. No is their favorite word cognitively they’re not quite understanding what they’re doing. They’re going to get their but screaming at them is not going to help correcting them is going to help screaming at them is not going to help. But they are manipulative, and no is their favorite word. And narcissists hate that that is why when a child gets to be about toddler three, four or five around in there starts getting their own personality, the narcissist is going to come unglued when that child is no longer a mini me when that child is starting to develop their own personality. And they say no a lot. And that is the one word that narcissists do not like and will not tolerate, because there was something I posted on we need to talk on Facebook and it said something along the lines of if you draw a boundary with a narcissist, a realistic boundary with a narcissist, they will view that as a betrayal to the core and you will need to be punished. And that’s how they view it. So even when a toddler is saying no to them, they view that as division among the ranks, you know, how dare you How dare you say no to me, you can’t say no to me. I’m the dad. I’m the mom. I’m the whatever. And it’s like okay, guys, let’s realistically here’s the thing toddlers, especially two-year old’s know is their favorite word. Three-year old’s know is their favorite word. four-year old’s, they’re starting to question five year old’s definitely have their own personality.

So, it’s a matter of understanding development, child development. Now there’s some books out there in the past that I was like, Oh, dear God, no, please don’t read any of the old, old books that were on parenting, you’ve got to go get the new books that are about how to parent a child in this day and age. And it’s manners are huge. Manners are huge. And narcissists do not teach their children manners. They don’t. Because narcissists are short, sighted, obviously, short tempered, obviously, they want them what they want, and when do they want it? Now? Who does that sound like? That sounds like about a two-year-old. So it’s really important to start teaching yourself and start teaching your child manners please. Thank you. Boundaries. No, no is actually a manner it is. It’s it is what keeps the wheels of society going when people have boundaries. So, teaching boundaries to yourself. When you’re re parenting yourself teaching boundaries to the kiddos, it’s okay to say no. Because what narcissists do is they set their kids up to be people pleasers, and to be abused. Because if a child is not believed, when they draw a boundary and say no, then an abuser is going to recognize that and they’re going to abuse them. Okay. And there’s a lot of predators out there so that I was just reading something on the internet today about a girl in New York that was sexually assaulted by a predator that she had met on one of those chat things, Snapchat, I think. And so, you need to start teaching your kids good parenting, you need to teach them about technology, you need to keep them safe because it is no longer. You know, in the real world so much. It’s in the virtual world that you’re going to start finding the predators and again, for us as survivors when you start dating Again, you got to watch out for that, because that’s where the predators hang out, they are on all of the dating apps on Tinder on Grindr on plenty of fish.

Kris Godinez  15:09

What’s the other one eHarmony, all of the, all of the dating sites have got a disproportionate amount of predators on them, Snapchat, you know, other social media things.

So, I wanted to talk about a little bit about some of the books. So the one that I really liked was parenting in a tech world. This is on Amazon, parenting in a tech world. And this was written in 2020, a handbook for raising kids in the digital age, I think that is a must. Because in my, in my day, we didn’t have all this stuff, we didn’t have social media, we didn’t have, you know, worldwide access to literally predators worldwide. And now, unfortunately, with social media, the kids have got that kind of access. And that includes games like fortnight, you know, anybody could come on and start chatting with them. So, you’ve got to be aware of what the kiddos are doing. And what I see a lot of narcissists do is that they are only too happy to shove their kid in front of a TV and never interact with them. And okay, that’s not good for the kid. And too, you’ve got to be very careful about that. What Who are they talking to? What are the conversations like? Is it getting inappropriate? Is this person really who they say they are? etc., etc., etc. So, so there is there is that and all I did was I went on to Amazon and I typed in 10 Best Books for parenting, and it popped up a ton of these books. The other one was raising good humans, parenting, teen boys, child development and positive parenting. Absolutely.

So, something that I think people forget is that little kids really need positive reinforcement, not negative. So, what abusers love to do is they love to do the punishment. It makes them feel powerful. That’s why they do it. That’s why they hit that’s why they whip that’s why they belt people. That’s why they do the things that they do is because it makes them feel powerful. Little ones don’t need to be hit. They don’t, correct it absolutely told why you shouldn’t put your hand on a hot stove. Absolutely. But you know, abusers will physically punish them, and then they will start emotionally punish them. So it’s really important for us if we’ve been raised by abusive parents, that we start doing the positive. What are you doing right? Remind yourself, remind your kid, what are they doing right on a daily basis? Trust me, we all know what we’ve done wrong. We that’s all we ever talk about, oh, I should have done this. I could have done this, I would have done that. Where does that come from? That comes from the abusive parents because they never said what was right, they only pointed out what was wrong. So if you’re raising a child, and you’re getting away from one of these abusers, you want to make sure that you tell them what they are doing, right. How they are doing it. Right? What you are proud of them about, you know, what are they doing that you know, is really good for them, and you’re so proud that they’re taking care of themselves, standing up for themselves. That’s great. Good for you. I’m glad you stood up to that bully. I’m glad that you voiced your concerns to that teacher or whatever, you know, getting a good grade, make sure they know it, you know, instead of what I see these abusers do is the kid comes home with a report card, or they get the report card on in the email or whatever. And it’s less than perfect and the abuser will come un glued and punish them for getting an A minus as opposed to an A. Ayiyi. So um, okay, there was that hold on. I wanted to get back over to the other books. Simply the simply baby book, so that’s for the little ones. There’s a ton of good parenting books, I would read the reviews and see which one you need because parenting teens is very different than Parenting Toddlers. Although it says the same like that sometimes. But yes, it is very different because they’re kind of on the cusp.

So you know, okay, here’s another thing that abusers do is if they are sexually deviant, and a lot of them are my dad was they have a very strange idea about sex.

Kris Godinez  19:40

And their birds and bees talks will include a lot of shame. And you don’t want that. What you want to do is you want to talk to the kids openly and honestly about sexual relationships and the consequences. Now you do this when they start exhibiting interest in the opposite sex and it is age appropriate. So I remember when I was age five, I was like, Where do babies come from? And my mom told me, she was like, let’s get Grey’s Anatomy. And here’s the book and let’s go through it. And it made sense, okay? You don’t want to use euphemisms, you don’t want to use baby words for body parts, because predators look for that. Let me say that, again, predators look for children who do not use the appropriate language for the sexual organs.

So, for example, instead of calling it a penis, oh, it’s your pee pee? No, no, it’s penis. What that tells the predator is, oh, this kid has got parents that are talking to them. And that’s what you want. So, you know, and you know, vajayjay know, it’s a vagina, you know, boobies, no, their breasts, you know, so you be open, honest, and the correct anatomical stuff for them. In this country, we seem to have a really weird idea about sex. And it’s really almost like a forbidden topic. But you’ve got to teach your kids the proper names and boundaries, nobody touches them. Nobody touches them, okay, until they’re older, you know what I’m saying and you give the proper boundaries, narcissists will skew that. And they’ll make the whole growing up thing very awkward.

So, when I was going through puberty, my dad did the whole weird, oh, you’re a woman now, which was his clue in his head that he could start trying to molest me. You know, so it’s like, if you’ve got a partner that’s making an abnormally big deal about puberty, you might want to watch that, seriously. Because a healthy parent will be like explaining to them your body is going through changes. This is what’s happening. These are the hormones, this is what you’re going to feel, you know, here’s the whole sexual thing, we prefer that you wait until you’re older, but if you’re going to do it, use a condom, you know, be safe, there’s diseases out there, you know, you talk to them about this stuff. Narcissists, don’t or they are, they’re weird about it, okay, because of their own predatorial type of thing.

So, um, okay. The other thing I want to make insanely clear. The other thing that narcissists will do is they again, view their children as objects to be used, okay? And if they were, you know, wanting to do soccer, they’re going to demand that their kid do soccer, but the kid really loves to play baseball. So, what do you do? You encourage them to play baseball? Is that going to cause problems between you and the narcissist? You betcha. Your job is to protect your kid, your job is to protect your kid. And if this is a bad, abusive relationship, get the hell out and protect your kid. The other thing I’ve seen abusers do is they will after the divorce, give the kids the divorce decree and try to make the parent that has raised them the bad guy.

Kris Godinez  23:00

So other things to think keep in mind when there are medical documentation, okay, when the child is a minor, yes, those are belonging to the parents. However, the second that that child turns into an adult, that parent no longer has the right to send those medical records out to anybody, they have to get permission from that child who is now an adult. So, they will try to do that they will try to shame the child, you know, that type of thing. So just be aware. So, Okay. All right. What are we how are we doing on time? Oh, we’re doing good. Okay.

So, in parenting ourselves. I think patience is the most important thing. I think forgiving yourself is the most important thing. I think patience for the little ones is the most important thing when I was at Disneyland, part of what made it so miserable, aside from the fact that Disney has completely lost their minds is that the lines were long people were hot, and I saw these parents get impatient with their child and literally yank them. That’s a great way to dislocate your child’s shoulder. Babies are not ragdolls. And I see people throw their kids around, it’s abusive, throw their kids around, yank their kids around, drag their kids around. You cannot do that. And if your partner is doing that, you’ve got to put a stop to it. Because babies bodies, yes, they’re resilient. Yes, they’re amazing. Yes, they can bounce back from some pretty horrific things however in there’s no reason to yank them around physically to drag them around to scream at them to rush them to, you know, do whatever, and that’s what abusers do.

So, um, I think what I wanted to point out is, is if we’ve come from an abusive family of origin, I don’t think a lot of us even realize how much unhealthy parenting physically, mentally, emotionally, religiously, whatever that we got. I really don’t and I don’t think we realize, or we’ve minimized how bad it really was. And I think that’s why some people have a right really hard time doing the repairenting because they’re like, I have no frame of reference, I don’t know what to do.

So when you are re parenting yourself, my suggestion would be if you’re having a hard time, grab one of those parenting books and do a contrast and compare. What is the good parenting versus what your abuser did to you? Did they drag you around? Did they yank you around? Did they hurry you and make you wrong and belittle you and call you names and put you down and you’re not, you know, you’re not smart enough, you’re not fast enough, you’re not this that bla bla bla bla bla, or how dare you say no to me, you know, that kind of thing. So do a contrast and compare between the healthy books on healthy parenting and how you were raised. And then when you’re doing the mirror work, emulate the healthy books emulate the, the way that the child should be raised the way that the child could be raised, if there was healthiness there. So, you start talking to yourself with absolute love, absolute patience, absolute joy.

So, something that I don’t think people understand either is that we get our sense of self from how our parents mirror back to us. And the abuser will never mirror back a correct image, what they it will always be a funhouse mirror, you know, the funhouse mirrors are wavy, and they don’t present the correct image of the person. And so, we as survivors of abuse, get this funhouse idea, this imposter syndrome of who we are, which is why I encourage the mirror work to reparent yourself, you get to look at yourself, clearly. Get to, not have to, get to, and you get to tell yourself that you like yourself and love yourself. And that you will have patience with yourself. So, when a good mom or a good dad sees their baby, first thing in the morning, they’re standing of the crib, you know, or they’re just waking up, the parents come in and they’re like, Oh, hi, you’re good to see you. That’s the kind of love I want you to look at, your children with. And you with, that’s unconditional, then you’re just happy because they’re awake, you know? And that’s awesome. And that is the way it should be. Narcissists. Everything is conditional, what have you done for me? How are you making me look? Are you a mini me? Are you going to jump when I say frog, or whatever the term is, you know, you say how high when I say jump, you know that kind of thing. Um, but a healthy parent looks at their child with love, and really enjoys the fact that that kid is here on the planet. And things are important.

Something else I want to point out and this is something else, oh Lord, I’m going over again. This is something else that I’ve been dealing with adult survivors of abuse. Their birthday comes and they minimize it, or they downplay it, or Oh, no, it’s really not No, I don’t need to know the birthday is not that important, okay. Stop stop stop birthdays are important because you’re here on the planet. And it’s a way to acknowledge that you’re here on the planet. It’s a way to acknowledge yourself. And it allows other people to acknowledge how much they love you. Birthdays are important, but how to how do abusers handle birthdays? Well, like they do any other important holiday, or event, they ruin it. They ruin it. And so that gives the kid just like that funhouse mirror, the impression that they’re not worthy. They don’t deserve it. You know, they’re taking up space, they’re a burden, blah, blah, blah. Okay, so to undo all of that, celebrate your birthday, celebrate Christmas, celebrate Hanukkah, celebrate all of the important things that the abuser always ruined. You know what I’m saying? Abusers either ignore the date or they set out to ruin the day one of the two.

So, in good parenting, you acknowledge you acknowledge you acknowledge you acknowledge you acknowledge your kid, you acknowledge yourself you acknowledge your kid you validate yourself you validate your kid. Do you see where I’m going with that? And you give them an accurate read of who they are. What abusers do is you’re a burden. You’re this You’re that and that gives that kid that funhouse mirror effect and creates that impostor syndrome, which is why it’s so important when you’re doing the mirror work. Make sure that you give yourself the positive affirmation make sure you’re giving your kiddos the positive affirmation. A lot of abusers do the whole Oh, kids learn better if you yell at them and tell them what they’re doing wrong. It’s reverse psychology. No, it’s abuse. It’s abuse. Kids do not do better with that, kids do better when they’re given a realistic goal, realistic goal and steps on how to get there and then when they get there. They are praised appropriately. Now, that is not the you know, giving them an award for just showing up. That’s different. That’s also a narcissistic thing. It’s appropriate, you know, so yeah, abusers really set the survivors up and the kids up for imposter syndrome, low self-esteem, not knowing who they are, because the abusers don’t know who they are. That’s why they try on other people’s personalities, if you’ve ever noticed that. So, you want to give yourself and you want to give your kiddo a good, strong sense of who they are. And this is why when I suggest doing the mirror work, in the morning, you set the intention you do the positive affirmations, you know, hi, good to see you have a great day I give you permission to like yourself, or I give you permission to be successful, or I give you permission to say no. Or if… see whatever you’re working on. And then at night, and you do this with your little ones little ones love the mirror work. They really do kids love looking in mirrors. They really do. It’s kind of fun for them. It’s like, Oh, who’s that? You know, and they get to kind of discover who they are. So, at night, do the things that were right that day list three things to your little one that they did, right? What did they do right that day? Hey, you know what, kiddo? You did great today, getting your shoes on before school. Thank you so much. That was awesome.

Kris Godinez  31:10

And now, the endorphins, the dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, all feel good chemicals are going in the kids going to go… Oh, I put my shoes on. That feels good. Okay, and they’ll go do it again. That’s why I’m saying the negative stuff doesn’t work. It’s the positive reinforcement that does appropriate positive reinforcement. Okay. But you do the same thing with yourself, what are three things that you did right? During the day, make sure you tell yourself that make sure you tell your little ones that whether they’re your little ones or their great grandkids, or grandkids or cousins or whatever, make sure that there is positive affirmation going and that there is an acknowledgement of the things that have gone, right, because what an abuser will do is you did this wrong, and you did that wrong. And you you you, you you guns are blazing. They never ever tell their kids the truth about how great the kids are. And kids are great. They really are.

Now, can toddlers be a little bit of a terrorist? Yes. And it’s a phase that they go through. It doesn’t last it. It does drive every single mom and dad crazy on the face the planet, but it doesn’t last. But with a narcissist, they act as if that phase is forever, and they will just scream at that kid and make them wrong. And this that and the other kids go through phases, guys, that’s what I’m saying. It’s really important. And let me go find the other books. And then I’m going to get to the questions. I’m so sorry. It’s really important that you realize children go through growth spurts, and they go through cognitive develop development. So, things that they wouldn’t understand when they’re like three, they’ll get when they’re 10. You know, and so you cannot treat a 10 year three-year-old like a 10 year old, you can’t treat a 10 year old like a 20 year old. It’s just, it doesn’t make sense. So, on Audible, and I looked this up 10 of the best parenting advice books. So, one of them was crib sheet. The other one was how to raise an adult. Toddlers are a holes, which just kind of went yeah.

Kris Godinez  33:16

Achtung baby, parenting the teen in the in the age of anxiety, because teens have a lot of anxiety. And there’s a whole bunch more on here. So, there’s a whole bunch of really good books on audible. All you got to do is put in parenting advice or parenting books, audible and it’ll pop up, which is great.

So anyway, the big takeaway is, we don’t ever get grace. Little ones are never given grace, they’re never allowed to be little, they’re never allowed to be small. They’re never allowed to be not mini me’s and not miniature adults. And they’re not cognitively they can’t cope with it. So, if you’re going through a divorce with one of these Jack wagons, and you’ve got a little one, make sure that you put in the divorce decree that they get counseling, with a really good therapist, and you have to agree to it. They can’t just you know, and usually what abusers do is, oh, I don’t want my child in therapy because they don’t, because to them, it means there’s something wrong with the kid, which means there’s something wrong with them which in reality, there’s something wrong with the abuser so but you want to make sure that they’re in therapy, because what the abusers will do when you’re going through a divorce is they will tell the children, adult things that the child should have no knowledge about. No knowledge about it is not the child’s job. So, abusers give the child a job. So, they either relay messages to the kid to get back to the other parent, or they use the child as a therapist and a 10 year old, a six year old can’t cope with that. They can’t they cognitively don’t have the emotional ability to cope with this incoming information of guilt and anger and fear and all of this stuff they cannot cope, this is why children then develop anxiety issues going forward because you’ve got an abuser shoving all this stuff into their space.

So, if you’re divorcing, you want to make sure that kid has got play therapy or a therapist of some sort so that they have a safe place to unload and dump. And it needs to be very clear, there will be nothing discussed with the children about the divorce of no financial stuff, no emotional stuff, we can tell them the bare basics, but that’s it. And what abusers love to do is they love to go to overshare Oh, mommy or daddy is so lonely because Mommy or Daddy left me, okay, financially, I can’t afford anything you you’re a burden, blah, blah, blah, they say that, you know, and that sets the kid up for heartache and for codependency and taking responsibility for things that are not their responsibility. And I think that is something that we as adults also have to be very cognizant of. We have to work on the codependency, we have to realize what is theirs, what is ours, what is not the kids, what is ours? Do you see where I’m going, it’s like, you’ve got to be able to have good boundaries. And you’ve got to be able to have the ability to step away and detach, you know, emotionally from the abuser and not involve the kid in the divorce proceedings, because it’s too much it is cognitively it is too much for them.

So, anyway, to quickly recap, and then we’ll get to the questions. Patience, patience is good parenting, not ripping your kid around by the arm and jerking them around. You know, being kind, being respectful teaching your child boundaries, teaching your child manners, those are all important things, things that the abuser will never do, you know, it’s always, you know, well, you need to respect me, but notice the abuser never respects anybody else. And then the kid sees that and starts emulating that. So, you want to make sure to impress upon them the importance of boundaries and the importance of saying no, and meaning it and being believed. Because how many of us were told, you’re to be seen and not heard. And we felt unheard. Unseen. Unbelieved. You know, it’s really important because being believed as part of self-esteem, it is. Because if we don’t feel like we’re believed, it’s kind of like, what’s the point? So, you got to when you’re talking yourself, I believe you. I believe you. I love you, I believe you have a great day. You know, that type of thing. Okay, let’s go to the questions.

What are the effects of not having any privacy in any aspect? How can we learn more about that? Okay, privacy is a part of boundaries. Privacy is a part of respect. So that’s going to be the self esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, there are books out there on how to get your privacy back how to say no assertiveness books, you know, so with an abuser, they will do things like you know, take the door off the bedroom, because they want to know exactly what the child is doing 24/7. And this is not when the child is, you know, misbehaving or whatever. This is like a normal kid, and you know, getting interested in boys are getting interested in girls, and they’re going to make sure, again, the sexual weirdness, they’re going to make sure nothing is going on. So, they take the door off the bedroom, the child has no privacy, or the parent, the abusive parent goes through the diary, how many of us had that happen? Raise your hand, you know, so we learned very quickly, it’s not safe to keep a diary, we learn very quickly, we have no privacy, they go through our phones, they go through our computers, etc., etc., etc. So really, as an adult, it’s making sure that you have passwords on everything, and understanding that you do not have to overshare and that’s part of that oversharing thing. They tell us basically, that they own us, they think you know, I own your phone, I own your phone, I have the right to look at it, I need to know where you’re going. Okay, if the kid is, you know, doing things that are illegal and is in recovery, or is in danger. Yeah, I can understand that. If the kid is a straight A student has never done anything against the law is doing everything they’re supposed to do. And the parent is looking looking looking looking. There’s a problem. Do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, they don’t respect boundaries, and they don’t respect privacy and privacy is a boundary. So, this goes hand in hand, with the non-oversharing not over apologizing, and being able to say no, so we have to work with a good trauma therapist about this, because so many people coming out of abusive relationships, don’t know how to trust. Kids don’t know how to trust because they haven’t been shown the adults in their life or the adult in their life is going to be trustworthy. So, it’s really a matter of working with a trauma therapist, and rediscovering the beauty of privacy. You have a right to privacy; you have a right to your own thoughts. You have a right not to share everything 24/7 With your abusive family you do, that’s something else that I’m hearing from people quite a lot is that the abusive families are like, well, you need to tell me this and you don’t ever tell me that you need to tell me this need to…, I don’t. No, I’m an adult. No, you don’t need to know this by, you know, you start detaching, and you stop contacting them so much. And I think a lot of times, when kids go, no contact, and then a flying monkey comes in and says, Oh, well, you should feel guilty. They’re your parent, bla, bla, bla, and then they get back into contact with them. It’s a disaster, because now the abuse just starts all over again. And now this person is having to redraw all of these boundaries, this wall of No. So, if you’ve gone no contact with an abuser, stay, no contact with the abuser, they’re not going to change, they’re not going to get better, they’re not going to get different, they’re not going to anything. So, you’re going to want to work with trauma therapist on your right to have boundaries. That’s what privacy is about. It’s about boundaries. So yeah, you don’t have to share everything all the time. 24/7 with anybody with anybody, you only share things with people who are going to be supportive, kind, helpful, whatever you don’t have to share. And I think that is something that is a bad habit that we get into because of the codependency because we’re trying to please them and so we verbally kind of vomit everything out, and then they start using stuff against us or sabotage it, or whatever. So okay, hope that answered the question a word glasses again.

Kris Godinez  41:35

Okay. Um, okay. Who How did I lose that one? There it is. Okay. Um, okay. And so, the effect of privacy is, the effect of not having privacy is that we again, are setting ourselves up to be abused. Because if somebody is pumping you for information. Remember, narcissists love to pump for information. And if you’re giving them everything, they’re going to, they’re just racking all this stuff up, and they’ll start using it against you, you know, at the most bizarre points in time. So that’s kind of along the lines with using the correct terminology for sexual organs, and having boundaries that lets that potential abuser now hope she’s not going to share her he’s not going to share, you know what I’m saying? Because remember, they do pump us for information. Okay?

How do I learn to correct without resorting to yelling? Oh, Lord? That’s a good question. I don’t have good communication at home. And I don’t want to make the same mistakes. Okay. So, what you’re going to do is you’re going to get, there’s a couple of books on communication. Now, reflective listening is really good if you’re dealing with a little one, okay? Remember, cognitively, they’re not going to get the reflective listening, they’re just not. So, yelling doesn’t help. Sometimes we get louder when we’re not being heard. And so, we think that if we just get louder, the kid is suddenly going to get it. No, they’re not, they’re just going to tune us out. So um, there’s a couple of books on communication. So, I would go and look for communicating with whatever age range your child is. There are books on that. There are books for communicating and healthy relationships. So, if they’re older, if they’re teenagers, you can do the reflective listening. So, one of the books that I recommend to the couples that are healthy, not the abusive couples, because I don’t see them is fighting for your marriage by Markman and others, but Markman was the one I could remember. So, it’s all communication skills. So, it’s all reflective listening, it’s all you know, instead of getting over the top, yelling, get quieter, you know, speak in a softer voice, it kind of forces people to lean in. And listen. I know little tricks like that. But go on to Amazon, go on to Audible and look for communication skills for parents, you know, those will pop up and speaking to a three-year-old is going to be different than speaking to a teenager, you know, different cognitive skills, and you can’t talk down to a teenager either, because they find it condescending, because remember, they’re right on the cusp. They’re like on the cusp of adulthood. And they don’t want to be treated like a baby, but they also don’t want to be set free completely. They you know, they need rules and boundaries and everything else. So, it’s learning how to talk. It’s learning how to communicate, again, get with a good trauma therapist to re learn healthy communication skills. So, the point of communication is not being right now this is what abusers in their communication skills. It’s always been right. They have to be right. Everybody else has to be wrong. It’s not being right. It’s making sure everybody understands what’s going on. It’s for clarification, it’s communicating is clarifying. Like, you know, here’s, here’s what happened. Here’s what needs to happen, you know, that type of thing. And if they’re, you know, kids get big emotions, and their little bodies don’t always handle it. And I saw that a lot of Disneyland, you know, meltdowns and things like that. The good parents would just sit quietly with them and reassure them that they love them. And you okay, you’re having big emotions? It’s okay. You know, but they wouldn’t give in to them, but they also wouldn’t punish them for it. So, you know, it’s a matter of, you know, figuring out what’s going on are they just having big emotions, and they don’t know how to cope with it. And it’s kind of your job to teach them, you know, how do they cope with big emotions? Well, first of all, you acknowledge it, big emotion, I hear it, I see it, you’re angry, I get it. And we still have to put our shoes on.

Kris Godinez  45:37

And you don’t take it personally, I think that’s something that a lot of adults coming out of an abusive family system is that they take it personally when a child defies them, or has a meltdown or whatever, because that’s what we saw the abusers doing doesn’t mean you’re an abuser. So, let’s be very clear, we’re going to pick up fleas we are we’re going to pick up fleas parenting from what we saw growing up. So, you have to remember, it’s not personal when a child doesn’t do what you want them to do. It’s because cognitively they’re not quite getting it. And they’re that age. And they’re stubborn, and there’s, you know, everything else kids are, you know, I don’t know if you guys have been watching the Obi Wan Kenobi show, but the little girl who plays Leah, I just love because there’s this scene where they’re going into this safe bunker. And Obi Wan says you’re stubborn, and she’s like, I am not. And I’m like, oh my god, that was the most kid thing I’ve ever heard. So, you know, it’s kids are just kids, and you cannot take their behavior or anyone else’s behavior, personally. Because it’s not about you. It’s about what they’re going through. And that’s where you have to step out of that kind of raising that we had, where everything was personal, everything was a personal affront. If I didn’t jump, as soon as my dad said to go do something like if I was in the middle of something, he would inevitably say, you need to go, whatever, fill in the blank. And I’ll be like, okay, well, as soon as I’m done with whatever I’m doing, and he would hit me because I didn’t immediately stand up and go do it. And that’s, that’s not cool. So, um, again, it’s understanding, you know, how to talk to kids, how to help them understand what their emotions are, and not taking it personally. My dad took it personally. You don’t respect me, no jerk. I was in the middle of doing this thing that needed my attention. And you hit me and now it’s ruined. So, thanks. You know, so and that’s what they do. Because they’re control freaks. It’s all about power and control. And they take everything personally. You cannot when you’ve got a toddler, you cannot take that personally. Dear God and heaven if you did, you’ll be a nervous wreck. You’ll be a wreck. You’ll be a wreck because kids going to be kids, you know, and they’re going to have meltdowns and they’re going to have illogical moments. They are you know, and so it’s just stepping out not taking it personally validating acknowledging Yep, you’re angry I got it and because it’s an and world we still need to put our shoes on you know and not getting angry at them because somehow, they’re just respecting you know, their three you just kind of got to start taking yourself out of that. And that’s really hard when we’ve come from an abusive family where everything was a personal affront not everything is a personal affront not everything is a personal affront. Okay, let’s see what the next question is. Dun dun dun How are we doing on time? Oh, we’re doing good okay. Um, so yeah, get with a good get with a good therapist and work on the communication skills, get fighting for your marriage by Markman look up communicating with kids, you know, whatever their age range is, how do I communicate with my three-year-old? How do I communicate with my teenager? These, all of these books are really good for that. Okay.

How to tackle the fear of missing out feeling for events when they happen for other people. Ex, ex, oh, dear. High school graduation parties make me feel sad. Because although I was top of my class, top of my class, graduation meant nothing. Oh, I understand. Okay. So, because the when you were a kid, the family didn’t acknowledge, didn’t acknowledge, didn’t appreciate and acknowledged and whatever. So, this would be working on the inner child workbook, this would be getting a really good trauma therapist, and here’s an idea, throw yourself a party, throw yourself a party, and it can be a silly party. It can be like, you know, this party is to acknowledge all of the cool things I did growing up that my family absolutely would not acknowledge. That’s what this party is about. Huzzah! Let’s have some pizza, you know, so, but it’s important because that’s your inner child. That’s your inner teenager. That’s the one who worked so hard and graduated, and you’re proud of yourself and what did you get Crickets? Crickets. So, I would say the child is the one that feels jealous or feels a Fear Of Missing Out kind of thing. And so, what you want to do is you just want to acknowledge it, write your inner teenager, a letter, a love letter, acknowledge the inner teenager for all of the hard work, all of the good deeds, all of the things that they did that they never got acknowledgement for. So hey, teenager, me, you know what, I’m the mom now or I’m the dad now. And guess what I see you. I hear you. You did not get acknowledged for graduating, for doing yard work for doing the dishes for taking care of the other kids for, you know, whatever it is that the abuser forced us to do that forced us to not be kids, right? Because that’s the other thing abusers do is they forced the older ones to take care of the younger ones. That’s not fair. Now every once in a while, a teenager babysitting. Okay, that’s fine, but the abusers do it. 24/7. So, um acknowledging yourself, you know, writing that teenager, a love letter. I love you. I think you’re great. You know what, let’s have a graduation party. Okay, it’s 30 years later, but so what? So what So what, let’s have fun, let’s acknowledge ourselves, let’s, you know, have a party sometime in the summer time, have a party, you know, and acknowledge all the things that you didn’t get acknowledged for, right, that teenager a love letter, get with a good trauma therapist, and work on that jealousy because remember, narcissists teach us to be jealous narcissists are chronically pathologically jealous of anybody or anything that gets something that they did not. And that is a fleea. So, you’re going to squish it, you’re going to squish it, you’re going to be happy for the other people for being acknowledged. That’s great. And then later on in the summer, throw yourself a party. There’s nothing wrong with that, you know, I just had a dinner party not too long ago, because A, I haven’t seen my friends in two years, because it’s stupid pandemic. And B, it’s like, I wanted to hear what everybody was doing and see what everybody was doing. And just, you know, have fun because God knows we all need it, dear Lord. So, you know, it’s okay to throw a party, it’s okay to acknowledge yourself. It’s okay to have fun. It’s okay to socialize. That’s something else that abusers do is they isolate their kids. My dad was constantly moving me and oh, God, Nancy and I were talking about that the other weekend. Her mom, I think she counted 13 times, she was uprooted and moved. And so, she was never able to get those lifelong, young, you know, from birth on, friends. Same thing, my dad would move me from school, to school, to school to school, whenever he got pissed off at whoever the principal was. And so really, my lifelong friends are from high school, because that was the longest, I ever stayed anywhere. So, you know, it was really, that’s something they love to do is to make us not feel good in a social situation.

So that’s something else you want to teach your kids how to socialize, how to listen to other people, how to not be self-centered, like the abuser, you know what I’m saying. And that is really important. And that’s why I think parties are important. And parties are important with kids. Because the kids get to have fun, and they get to see how adults socialize in a healthy way. And I don’t mean like a drunken you know, debauchery, I mean, like a barbecue, like getting together and having pizza watching a movie, you know, that kind of thing. So yeah, because abusers like to isolate their kids, and they don’t want us to socialize because God forbid, we tell somebody what’s really going on. So yeah, there’s that. So, forgive yourself and definitely get with a good trauma therapist and start working on that fear of missing out and really practice, practice gratitude. I am so grateful that all these kids are graduating and they’re safe and they made it through school and they’re going on to college and you know, gratitude, gratitude, gratitude and then throw yourself a party. There’s nothing wrong with that. Okay.

Do narc mothers always loved bom  the child no!

Kris Godinez  53:47

Who knew my narc mother never showed any love. I have only memories of her being nasty and hateful. Yeah, so um, narcissistic mothers can be love bombers, they absolutely can. But they can also be cold as ice and punishing, like nobody’s business. So, narc mothers are, I think jealous, pathologically jealous of the kids. They’re jealous of, especially if the daughter or the son is doing better than them. Especially if the daughter is it’s the dynamic with narcissistic mothers and daughters is really sick. They’re in competition, they’ll compete for boyfriends, they’ll compete for attention, they’ll compete for whatever. So, if the child is beautiful, that mother will do everything they can to harm that child. They’ll cut their hair off without the kid wanting it cut off. They’ll constantly tell them that they’re not good looking or beautiful or thin enough. You know, the weight thing is a huge thing that narcissists use um male and female narcissists do that. Some narcissistic mothers, like I said, they don’t do the love bombing some do. So, let’s be clear, you know every narcissist has their own little peccadilloes. But some narcissistic mothers are cold as ice, angry as hell, and in competition and punishing, punishing, punishing, punishing, punishing, punishing, punishing. The only time I’ve ever seen that type ever do a love bomb is when they were in the older stages, they were like geriatric, and they were desperate to have somebody be their supply. And so, they would hold the inheritance over the head or love bomb or whatever. But for the most part no a lot of them don’t a lot of them don’t a lot of them are just nonstop nasty, non-stop nasty, you know, dragging the kids across the floor again. The stories I have heard, would seriously I think, just shock. A lot of you guys so you know, dragging the kid across the floor by their hair, dragging them across the floor by their arm, dislocating their shoulder, you know, that kind of thing. They’re sadistic. So those types of mothers are, there is not a warm bone in their body. They are not warm and fuzzy. They are not loving or kind. They’re harsh. They’re critical. They’re nasty. And that is really damaging to a kid because we look up to the same sex parent for how to be an adult as the same sex. Do you see where I’m going with that? So, an opposite sex parent, then that sets us up for oh my gosh, is this what you know, a romantic partnering should look like? No, no, no, no, no, no, you know, romantic partnering should be best friends. It shouldn’t be best friends. You know, that’s what John and I have, and we communicate like nobody’s business. And I love him so much. You know, but with a narcissistic mom, they’re harsh. They’re mean, they’re critical. They’re damning their spouse; they’re making fun of them sexually in front of the kids. They’re, you know, all sorts of nastiness, all sorts of nastiness. So ya know, they don’t all up they don’t the word pathological they are, let us be clear. So down here at one end of the spectrum, we’ve got traits up over here at the other end of the spectrum, we’ve got the dark triad. The further down on the spectrum they are, the less feelings they’re going to have. So, the more antisocial the motive psychotic, the more you know, no feelings, alien kind of thing. Yeah, I mean, there’s, there’s some parents, God, when I talk to my clients, they will say things like, you know, it’s like she was a lizard. It’s like there was no warmth at all there was no kindness there was no empathy there was it was just like dealing with somebody who didn’t understand how to be a human. And I’ll agree with that. So, all right, my loves you guys be good. Go look up those parenting books. Drink plenty of water. It’s going to be 108 degrees this week. So, you guys yourselves. I’ll talk to you guys later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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