Did you know that most survivors of abuse, either by the family of origin or by a significant other, have eating disorders or issues with food? Yeah! Yet another lovely side effect of abuse. Survivors of abuse are more likely to have anorexia, bulimia, binge/purge, or overeating issues. How to help yourself is to get with a damn good trauma therapist that understands eating disorders. Write and burn letters to the people who made food/weight/looks, etc., an issue.
Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA, or any other therapist for that matter.
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Hi, guys. Okay, today’s current events. So, there were okay. First of all, Irene Gakwa is still missing in Wyoming. So, this has been going on a year now. The boyfriend was arrested for fraud. He was caught using all of her credit cards and her bank account, so at least he’s going probably to jail for that. But they’ve never found her body. So, they can’t…. I don’t necessarily understand how the law works on that, because sometimes they charge people with murder, even when they can’t find the body. But anyway, they’ve never found her body. They never found her. They don’t know where she is. They’re not charging him with murder, which they should. But there it is. Especially since it looks really hinky. Um, anyway, there’s that. So, if you know any information about that particular case in Wyoming, please contact the authorities in Wyoming. Current events. So, there were three mass shootings this weekend. And the thing that scared me so there was one in San Francisco, there was one in Houston. And there’s one in Chicago, the one in Chicago; somebody shot into cars going to a funeral. And I just don’t even. I can’t.
So again, and I think rather than going into the Okay, definitely mental health issue, definitely, we need to do something. The thing I’d like to point out is that there were three mass shootings with at least a dozen people shot. And the news media just kind of didn’t cover it, like, Oh, it’s another shooting, oh, it’s no big deal. That scares the hell out of me. And it should scare the hell out of you. Because people are becoming, what’s the word I’m looking for, immune, that it’s like it happens so often, it’s no longer big news. And it’s no longer something that, you know, gets covered like it used to. And that means that it’s becoming the norm. And it should never be the norm. Murder should never be the norm. Now, one murder that did occur in France is the crazy guy, because he couldn’t get a gun, took a knife and went after kids. So, like I said, again, if somebody is cuckoo for Cocoa Puff enough to want to kill, and they can’t get their hands on a gun, they will get their hands on other weapons. So even though they’re, you know, gun laws, and whatever, in France, he’s still got a knife, and he still went after kids. So, the same goes back to mental health. So, you know, somebody’s crazy enough to kill, they’re crazy enough to find a way to do it. So anyway, but that coupled with the fact that it is now become the norm, and we no longer are shocked, and we should be it absolutely, there is no reason in the face this planet, that we shouldn’t be shocked when fellow human beings are killed. I mean, that shows a lack of empathy, that shows a lack of care or a lack of concern, or, you know, it’s just not it’s not grabbing the headlines enough for the news companies. And that is scary to me.
So anyway, if you’re passionate about people not being indiscriminately killed by any kind of weapon, get a hold of your representatives, your senators, and just basically be like, what are we doing about the mental health in this country, people? How are we going to prevent things like this? How are we going to prevent Okay, let’s say we do gun laws; how are we going to prevent him from taking a machete that they do that too? They did that in Japan? They have. We had one in Phoenix a few years ago that took a machete to people in Tempe. So, you know it just anyway. So, there’s that.
Okay, today’s topic our relationship with food. So, this is specific for people that have been raised by abusive parents, toxic parents, narcissistic parents. So, parents who are abusers interfere with the child’s normal development they do on all levels. We started talking about that last week when we were talking on Sunday, and they not only interfere in the relationship, but you also know, they not only isolate the kid and do things like that, and interfere in the natural development, the natural, growing kind of thing. They interfere with our relationship to literally everything, especially food. So, they will interfere in how we relate socially. And they interfere with our natural development of how to nurture ourselves. What a surprise. It’s not really, unfortunately, when you think about it, so abusers’ whole goal is to either parental fi or infantilize the child and, or make it so that they can manipulate that child all the way through their lives. Okay, from infant to adult, their whole goal is to manipulate, control power, that’s their whole thing, power, manipulate, control, everything they do, there’s an agenda. Okay. So, what they do with us with food, it’s so complicated. So, in reading all of these studies on anorexia, bulimia, you know, weight issues, etc. They will mess with the kid’s head, okay?
So, our relationship with food is very, not healthy, usually coming out of one of these parental abusive situations. So, a great example is when I was growing up, my dad was like, You’re too thin, you’re too thin, you’re too thin, you’re too thin. I was a little kid, you know, and I was very active and played and ran and jumped and swam and all sorts of stuff. Well, so then I really clearly got the message. Oh, you need to put on weight. So, I started eating as much as I could to try to please them. Mom and dad, they both did it. And then all of a sudden, when I was eight years old, you’re too fat. You’re too fat. You’re too fat. You’re too fat. And, of course, I look back at pictures now. And I’m like, Y’all are smoking the ganja? I looked fine. What the hell is wrong with you? So, it’s, they live in a circle of too much. Not enough. Too much. Not enough. And it’s a crazy-making circle because they never overlap. There’s, there’s never a point in time, you know, those diagrams where it’s like, here’s one diagram over here. And here’s another one. Here’s where they overlap. No, they never overlap. It’s always You’re too much. You’re not enough. You’re too much. You’re not enough. So, we get these weird ideas of what our relationship to food is. And abusers use food as punishment. That should never be the case, ever. So just like how abusers do not understand, really money, okay? Because money is their God. So, things mean more to them than people. Money means everything to them. It’s the same thing with food. So, food has got a different meaning to them than it does to the rest of us.
So, food is enjoyable. Let’s not just you know, let’s not ignore that food is enjoyable, it tastes good, it feels good. They can’t stand it. When somebody’s got a healthy relationship to food. They can’t stand it when somebody is able to go, Oh, I’m full. I’ve had enough. I’m done. So, what I’ll see these abusive parents do, and my dad did the same damn thing, is when you’re full, and you’re done eating, and you’ve eaten as much as you can eat, they start the guilt trips, they start the whole Oh, there are starving children in India or China or whatever the country happens to be that happens to be having issues with the food supply. There are starving children, and it’s your fault that they’re starving. If you don’t eat everything on your plate, excuse me, how crazy is that? I finally got to the point. I know I’ve talked about this before I finally got to the point where I was like, okay, box it up and send it to them, which then earned me a slap across the face and waking up across the room going. What just happened? So, they’ve got a very weird relationship to food themselves. So, something I see them do is the guilt-tripping, or they’ll make the poor kid sit there for literally hours until they finish their plate, and they have to lick it clean. That’s abuse. That’s abuse. Some kids just don’t eat that much, and they don’t need to. Kids are not stupid kids know their bodies. Adults know their bodies, but we get told we don’t. So, it’s just like, you know, when a parent like my dad, Oh, you’re too thin. You’re too thin. You’re too thin. Now you’re too fat. You’re too fat. You’re too fat. So, it was never enough, right?
Kris Godinez 10:01
And so, then we start doubting ourselves, and they do the whole, you know, clean your plate, you need to clean your plate, there are starving children, you need to clean your plate. No, you don’t put it in the fridge, wrap it up, you can have it later. You know? And of course, you don’t obviously, you don’t let the kid do the whole I’m not going to do this, I’m going to go eat, you know, candy or ice cream or whatever is like no, when you when you are ready to eat more, there it is. That kind of thing. So, adults, adults that are abusive, will punish the kid and torture them. Essentially, I had one adult child tell me that their parent made them sit there for 12 hours through the night because they didn’t want to eat the lima beans. I don’t blame them. I’m not crazy about lima beans. But you know, I mean, that kind of thing. And then they would come out and berate them and yell at them and, you know, hit them and all sorts of stuff. So, yeah, they absolutely skew our relationship with food. So, we start associating food instead of with nourishment and pleasure because it is pleasurable to eat a good meal. We started associating it with icky things, you know, like, oh, you know, I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to this and I don’t want that. And so, we get a really weird relationship with food. Now, the studies that I’ve been reading on Psychology Today, they are making the connection, finally took them long enough, between the way abusers emotionally abuse and our relationship to food and having eating disorders.
Something else I thought was interesting in doing reading all these studies was that Fibromyalgia has been connected, which is another autoimmune disease. I mean, this is an autoimmune disease, but it is an autoimmune disease that we tend to have coming out of abusive relationships. Fibromyalgia was connected to 20 different gut bacteria. So, it’s, I don’t believe in coincidence. Let me just say that I do not believe in coincidence. And a lot of our emotions originate with our gut bacteria our health; a lot of our health originates with how our digestive system is. It does not surprise me that abusers interfere with that and make sure that it’s disrupted. So, the other thing I’ve seen abusers do is that they feed the kid nothing but junk food, like nothing but junk food, no vegetables, no fruits, all processed stuff. And then the kid grows up having all sorts of intestinal problems and autoimmune issues and things like that. So, it does not surprise me that abusers somehow have figured out that if they mess with the gut bacteria, that the target of abuse is more easily controlled. So, there is that, um, so anorexia has also been connected to the emotional abuse PTSD, in that when the child it’s kind of like self-harm, when the child cuts or when the child starves themselves, that initial pang of hunger, it’s kind of a, it’s like, I’m alive. I have control over this, and I am alive. And it’s the same thing with self-harm. So, I just I really dislike abusive people. I really, really, really do because it makes me so angry. Having been a victim of it myself, but also watching adult children who have been also a victim of this struggle with eating disorders. Struggle with self-harm, I struggle with autoimmune diseases, etc., etc., etc.
So, the study that I read let’s see, is this the Psychology Today one? Um, no, this is not the Psychology Today. Well, let me see if I can find that. Oh, stop it, ad. Okay, trauma is more common in bulimia, bulimia, eating disorders. So, they’re now finally figuring this out. This is from very well mind.com. Emotional abuse and negative beliefs are all found in people with eating disorders. It’s like if you’ve been emotionally abused, you’re 30% more likely to have some sort of eating disorder, either bulimia or anorexia. So, um, anorexia is where you limit the calories. Bulimia is where your kind of throw up a lot after eating it, and then there’s the binge and purge, so you can binge eat way the heck too much and then purge. None of that is healthy. And if you’ve got a parent who is abusive and is doing the whole Munchausen by proxy, they love it when their target of abuse has issues because then they get the attention, and of course, there’s a stigma attached to eating disorders that has been perpetrated, I think, in large part by abusers. And it’s kind of like, oh, you know, they’re, they’re mentally ill look, I’m the hero parent, I have to put up with this. And I just want to slap therapy for them seriously. It’s like, really, you’re the one that caused this. So now I’m not saying all cases of anorexia or all cases of bulimia, are all cases of binge and purge are caused by emotional abuse, that the studies are starting to show that that’s a large portion of what’s going on.
So um, yeah, you’ll get the Munchausen by proxy. See, this is what I’m saying. It’s so complicated. There’s so many facets to this. It’s like you’ve got the emotional abuse going on. You’ve got the negative body image going on. You’ve got the Munchausen by proxy. They’re getting off on you being ill and, you know, trying to take, you know, sympathy or whatever for you struggling when really what you’re trying to say is I don’t feel I exist. This lets me know I’m alive. This is the only thing I have control over because you Jack Wagons, have taken control over everything else. So again, like with the cutting, it’s like I own this, you can’t take it from me, do you see where I’m going with that? I totally get this; I totally get this. Because it’s like they do, they take over the aspect of the child. And this is the only thing the child can control that in the cutting, you know, it’s like, and it lets them feel so and that. Man, that’s the one thing in speaking with survivors of abuse, that is the one thing that comes up over and over and over and over again, is that they would use food to numb themselves. So, overeating because it felt good. And that was the only comfort they could get.
So overeating is an issue as well, as well as the other issues that we talked about. Not binging and purging, just overeating. So, they turn to food for comfort. They turn to food for numbing. They turn to food for whatever they needed. And it’s because of the family of origin. So, if you’ve got abusive, neglectful, so this is the neglectful parents, these are the parents who were like, you know, go away kid, you bother me, I’ve got my own problems, bla, the kid will turn to food for comfort and a mistake that, well, I don’t think it’s a mistake. But I think that using food as a reward is not really a good idea. I mean, it’s okay if it’s occasionally, but you don’t want the kid to associate that with this is how to make myself feel good. Do you see where I’m going with that? So, I mean, it’s okay to do like, you know, Hey, you did great, you got it, you know, straight A’s or whatever, let’s go out for ice cream, that’s fine. But you don’t want them to turn to food for emotional comfort. And I think that’s what I’m trying to say is that kids who’ve been neglected turn to food for emotional comfort. Now, the other thing I have seen abusers do, and this annoys me, no end…they’ll starve the child.
Kris Godinez 18:10
So, they will put locks on the pantry, they’ll put locks on the refrigerator, and they’ll punish the child for trying to get food. So, they’ll keep the child barely fed, I mean, just enough to get by. And this is these are the cases that you read about in the newspaper. So um, you know, just enough to barely get by. And if the child sneaks into the kitchen and eats anything, they’ll use that as the excuse to physically abuse them. So it’s just, it’s so sick and so insidious, that they take something that we have to do every day, right, we have to feed ourselves, we have to if we don’t we die, you know, so they take something that should be nurturing and pleasurable, and they turn it into a punishment, they turn it into a reward system, they turn it into a control, they turn it into a way to put down your self-esteem. You know, that was something else My dad used to say is Oh, you eat like a truck driver. Well, yeah, I’m trying to shovel in as much food as I can before you have a fit and take it away from me. Because your cray cray. Do you see where I’m going with that? I mean, so they just mess with the natural development of things. Kids should be allowed to figure out what they like and what they don’t like as far as food is concerned, how much they want to eat, how little they want to eat, it’s and they go through stages.
Kids are… little kids go through stages. So sometimes, okay, great example, I’ve got a great nephew all he eats buttered pasta. That’s it. I mean, he’s been on that kick for months now, and he’s slowly getting out of it. And he’s starting to try other foods, and this is what kids do. kids go through phases they go through I’m going to eat nothing but this, and oh, now I’m going to try this. And I mean nothing of that, you know, and I’m going to eat a little bit, and then I’ll come back and have some more kids. Adults, when they’re not messed up by stupid narcissists and stupid abusers, know what and how to eat. Okay? It’s only when you get these asshat adults that are interfering that the kid is told no, you don’t know what you want. No, you don’t want that. No, you don’t? No, no, no, no, no. And the kids going, yeah, yeah, yeah, what are you doing? And then the kid, in an effort to try to appease, does whatever the abusive parent tells them to so, but then the parent again, too much, not enough, too much. Not enough kid can never be right at birth on this or any other planet. So anyway, that is that I just wanted to hit on some of these articles. So um, okay, so this is Psychology Today, where my glasses Good lord. Okay.
So, this is talking about anorexia. And other eating disorders are commonly found in cultures and settings where thinness is seen as highly desirable. Ah, that’s what I wanted to hit on. So, something that is concerning to me, too, is parents, oftentimes, especially abusive parents, basically let their kids get on to tik tok on to Instagram on to, you know, all the social media stuff, and they’re not monitoring what the kids are watching. And there are several sites that are promoting stupid things that are dangerous. And they’re promoting anorexia, and you want to be very careful that you want to have a talk with your kid about healthy eating and healthy, exercising, and healthy, you know, ways of being so especially because in our society, we do worship thin we do we worship, you know, physically fit to the MCU degree, do you see where I’m going with that?
So, and again, I think I’ve told the story when I was in LA, and I was doing auditions, I weighed 120 pounds. I’m five, seven, I’m not short. And the casting director was like, Oh, we really want you for this role, but you need to get down to 100 pounds. So, they wanted me to lose another 20 pounds. I was starving myself to stay at 120. I really should be like 140 150. And I just looked at them. And I said, Nope, I like, I like lasagna, sorry, you know, find somebody else. And that’s when I left the business because I was like, this is massively unhealthy. And that was during the time period of Ally McBeal when everybody needed to have the body of a 14-year-old boy. So that has changed a little bit. But the other thing that’s coming out now, too, is over-exercising and over-dieting, you know, trying to get that MCU kind of body, both male and female. It’s not just women that suffer from this men suffer from anorexia and bulimia, and binge purging as well. Especially if the parents are interfering with that normal development; of do I like this? Do I not like this? You know, getting back to my nephew. I know, I’m all over the place today. But it, like I said, this was such a complex issue. I was like, how am I going to tackle this? I’m getting back to my nephew. So yes, he’s been eating butter, butter pasta for months, and now he’s trying something else. But something that I really love when I’m with my kids, my great nieces, my great nephews, etc., is we encourage them to try something new. And so, what we’ll do is we’ll say, hey, why don’t you try something new I’ll you pick what you would normally pick I’ll eat that if you really liked the new thing, you eat that, and if you don’t, we’ll switch, and you eat what you would normally eat, and I’ll eat the new thing.
So, it gives them like an out, you know? So, it’s good, it’s a good way to do it. So, what did my niece call it. She called it like her dinner buddy. So, I’m her dinner buddy. So she can try new things. And if she doesn’t like it, she can give it to me. So that’s a great way to get kids to try something new because then they’re not stuck. If they don’t like it. You don’t have this asshat of a parent standing over them going, you know, everything on your plate. No, if the kid doesn’t like it, the kid doesn’t like it. I vividly remember being in San Francisco, and my sister ordered a salad that had was its squid? I can’t remember Calamari. I don’t remember what it was. But the thing came out, and the tentacles were dangling over the side of the dish. And my father just sat there and laughed because he was sadistic. And he knew she wasn’t going to enjoy this, and he insisted she eat the whole thing. I’ve never seen somebody turn that particular color of green. Oh my god. I mean, he wouldn’t let her get a hamburger. He wouldn’t let her. He insisted that we all had to try something different, and we had to stick with it. And I’m just like, that’s sadistic. Um sorry. That’s just That’s cruel. It’s cruel. You don’t do that to kids. If you want kids to be adventurous eaters, you make it fun for them. You make it safe. Okay? And that is that is a word that abusers don’t like and don’t understand. They don’t understand fun. They don’t understand safe.
So, anyway, there is that okay getting back to this article, okay? Mm-hmm. The onset of eating disorders can also be associated with stressful life events for young adults; leaving home can be such an event for older adults’ life transitions. Returning to work after raising a family, finding a job, separation divorce, or abuse can precipitate the symptoms of eating disorders. temperamental factors, such as perfectionism and obsessive traits, and childhood are also associated with eating disorders. Well, gee, where do you think we got those from? I’ll Oh, wait. Yeah, you know, where we got those from those. The perfectionism is handed to us by an abuser. Everything has to be perfect. Everything has to please them. We have to make sure they’re happy. Oh, yeah. You betcha. That goes along with cleaning the plate.
Kris Godinez 26:13
Oh, okay. There’s also, hormones may play a part in this genetic factors may also play a part in this. But really, the basic thing is that they’re saying that they’re seeing a huge connection to emotional abuse and negative beliefs. So that was Psychology Today, I just all I did was look at eating disorder Psychology Today, and this one is very well mind.com. This talks about the emotional abuse and the negative beliefs. Now this one is called eating disorder. hope.com How binge eating exhibits in victims of trauma. And this is something that I don’t think a lot of people are talking about. They might start they might be talking about it now. But in the recent past man, they never made that association between being abused emotionally, physically, religiously, and otherwise, and having eating disorders, and they are now making those connections. So, it can be used to numb overeating, can be used to numb it’s a way to take control. We talked about that. feelings of unworthiness, victims’ partners with abuse begin to believe that they are worthless. Because those asshats tell us that every damn chance they get, You betcha. The behavior of the abuser reinforces the belief since they don’t feel worthwhile, or if they matter, binge eating can be seen as a way to confirm this belief. Since they are unworthy, they don’t care for themselves. Binge Eating is the manifestation of not caring about self. It’s confirmed and reinforced by the abuse. This is a vicious cycle of I must not matter, or else this person wouldn’t hurt me. So, if I’m treated poorly, then I must deserve it and the binge eating ensues, which is a mistaken thought it’s a mistaken thought it’s a mistaken belief.
So, if you are having binging if you are doing, you know, anorexia, restricting calories, things like that, please, please, please get with a good trauma therapist and get with somebody who understands eating disorders, you’re going to need to work on that because the mistaken thought the mistaken belief is what’s driving the behavior. And it’s deadly, it’ll kill you. It’s, it will kill you. If you restrict your calories enough, you’ll have a heart attack and die, your electrolytes will be off all sorts of terrible things happen. Kidney failure, you know, it just no bueno.
So just because a romantic partner or even a parent has said that you’re not worthy. They’re talking about themselves. I cannot stress this enough. Every single time one of these asshats has told their kid that they’re not worthy or you don’t you, I should have aborted you. That’s another one. I’ve heard them say I shouldn’t have had you. I wish I’d never had children. Bla bla bla, that tells the kid they’re not worthy. And kids are sensitive. Nobody wants to hear that they’re not worthy. But what kids don’t understand and I wish I knew this when I was little. Is that every time something nasty came out of their mouths it was really about them. It’s all projection. It’s all this. The vitriolic nasty vomit launch about who they are not who we were. And that’s what I want you guys to work on. I want you guys to work on self-esteem. I want you to work on boundaries. I want you to work on understanding what they said what they did, how they acted towards food was not about us. I know. It’s like what do you mean, it wasn’t about us? It was all about us. Well, they made it all about us. But in reality, everything was about them. Everything was about everything was about them 110%. Using food to self soothe when you’re in an abusive relationship. We talked about that. I’m okay. So basically, super important get with a really good therapist.
This next one is on CNN. This is Your teen wants to get in shape this summer? What to say and when to worry. Because you don’t want them. Why are they wanting to get into shape? Number one, you want it for the right reasons, not the wrong reasons. So, they suggest a book called Raising Body Positive Teens. A Parent’s Guide to diet-free living, exercise, and body image. Raising body positive teens, A Parent’s Guide to diet free living, exercise, and body image. And I think that’s hugely important. So um, yeah, so there is that so? Yeah.
Do they do this on purpose? You betcha. Is it to control manipulate? mess with your head? Yeah. Is it to interfere with our natural relationship? Well think about it if we have sovereignty over our bodies. That’s another aspect they can’t control, and they can’t stand the idea of not being in control over everything. So eating is a way to have sovereignty over our body. We know what we want. We know what we don’t want. I know what I’m hungry. I know what I’m not hungry. You know, but they take that away from us, you will eat everything, or I’m not going to give you anything, I don’t care that you say you’re hungry. Did you see that? Do you see the black and white? Do you see the crazy? Hello? Cray cray. Anyway, yeah, that is pretty much that, um, how are we doing on time?
Okay, I think it’s time to get to the question. So just to summarize, if you were in an abusive relationship, the likelihood is, is they probably mentioned your weight at some point, especially during the devalue in the discard. If you were raised by abusive parents, the likelihood is that they messed with your natural development of your relationship with food. So really, what we want to do is we want to get back to food is necessary and it’s pleasurable. And it’s something we need to do every day in order to sustain our bodies’ exercises, the same thing. So, getting into a healthy mindset, self-esteem, really challenging the mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs that the abuser shoved into our heads. And understanding that we are worthy of self-love, we are worthy of self-nourishment, we are worthy of enjoying our food, we are worthy of feeling because, remember, they love to shut off feelings love to shut off feelings, and kids are nothing but feelings. So that kids got to do something with it. So yeah, this is all it’s all intentional. 110% They absolutely know what they’re doing. They’re sadists, they’re mean, their cruel, and they hide it behind. Oh, I’m saying this for your own good. You’re telling the kid they’re fat for their own good. What the frick? No. So it’s all about them. It’s not about you really get with a good trauma therapist or working on the emotional abuse around food. I think that’s hugely important. I don’t know any of us who have come out of one of these relationships that didn’t have kind of a messed-up relationship with food. I tend to overeat. I absolutely do. And I’ve been struggling with that my entire life.
You know, that’s why I got a trainer, and that’s why I’ve been working. And that’s what I’ve been doing all these things. So yeah, it’s important to work on it. It’s important to challenge those mistaken thoughts and mistaken beliefs. You did not deserve that. It’s okay to enjoy food. It’s okay to feed yourself. You know, mirror work that’s going to be huge. Hi. Good to see you. Have a great day. You know what, what your parents said about food was a load of doo doo. You and you don’t have to believe that and walk out. So yeah, get with a good trauma therapist. Work on this. This is going to be important. Okay, let’s dive into the questions.
Do narcissistic parents often force the child to eat food that is bad? Yes, absolutely. 110% I think a talked about that. I was forced to eat foods that had gone off. Oh, you mean bad, bad. Oh, yes, they do. Uh huh. Or tasted very badly burned and at times became very ill from that. Yes. Because their sadists 110% They God. Have you ever noticed that narcissists cannot stand it when somebody is enjoying something? And so, they have to ruin it? So, food is very pleasurable. If it’s done, right? Like sex. It’s very pleasurable, if it’s done right. So, it’s the same thing. It’s like they have to ruin it. They have to they can’t stand it if somebody is enjoying something that is normal to enjoy. because they don’t feel and they’re sadists so remember it’s a dark triad thing if they’re psychopaths narcissistic control freaks, okay? That that whole triangle, they’re sadists, you show me a dark triad. I’ll show you a sadistic mother clucker. You know what I’m saying? So, they’re sadists and they enjoy watching you suffer. And that’s why they do that. That’s it and remember, there is a huge part of them that wants us dead. Seriously, they want their target of abuse dead. Two reasons. One, it’s the ultimate power and control move.
Kris Godinez 35:42
They liken themselves to God. When they do that. Look, I have power over life and death. A lot of psychopaths, when they do their interviews in the jail, there is that aspect of I am godlike. In that I took life away, I am God. Seriously. They’re crazy. So yes, they absolutely will feed kids food that is not good has gone off. Is moldy is dangerous to eat, and they will then punish them for getting sick. or other types of things. Oh, okay. Yes, they absolutely do that. You’re 110% Correct.
Hi, Chris. My amygdala hijacks have been presenting me, preventing me from doing what I know I should be doing because I prefer staying in the safe zone. How do I get over this? Okay. So, getting out of our comfort zone is extremely anxiety-producing but necessary. So basically, you’re going to take baby steps. So, you start with giving yourself a pep talk in the mirror. Hi. Good to see you. Have a great day. You know what, it’s okay to leave your safe zone. You’re safe. You’re okay. You can do this. And then walk out. And you do that for like a month and see how you’re feeling. So, remember, it’s what we tell ourselves is how we feel. I know it’s weird, but it’s true. So, what we tell ourselves is how we feel, so if we’re constantly going, this is dangerous. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, that our amygdala is going to be like, Screw you. I’m not doing it, you know, right. But if we go in and we go, You know what, I can do this. You know what this is? Okay. You know what? It’s okay for me to be scared. But I’m not going to let the scare stop me from doing what I know. I want to do. So, baby steps, get with a good trauma therapist. Seriously, who stopped you? Who stopped you? Who, What parent, what caregiver, what teacher, what abuser, whoever was, who made it not safe, who made it not safe to explore? So healthy, normal parents allow their kids to explore the world. They’re not helicopter parents. They’re not like, you know, preventing them from falling. And you know, all of this stuff, you let the kid fall. That’s how kids learn balance, quite literally and figuratively. And really. So, we’ve ever watched a baby walk, learn how to walk, you know, they kind of push themself up, and they toddle along for a little bit. And then they go ka thunk. And then they giggle, hopefully. And then they push themselves up. And then they toddle along for a little bit longer. And then they go clunk. But that’s how they learn balance. That’s how they learn to get back up on their feet. interesting metaphor. Narcissists don’t want us to get back up on our feet. So, they scare us with, you know, oh, this is dangerous. Oh, you can’t do this, or you can’t do that.
So, like, for example, in 1986, I was 21 years old. 22 years old. How old was God? 21. Um, I went to Europe, I backpacked across Europe saved up the money. And I went, and I, you know, didn’t tell my dad obviously, because he would have sabotaged it. told my mom tried to sabotage it. And she was like, don’t go to any communist countries. So, I made a beeline for East Germany. And in part, because I’m a rebel, I think there is a part of me that is very rebellious. But also, to it was like I needed to prove her wrong. I just did. It was like, you know, she’s so terrified over everything. No, I’m going to go. And I talked about this, I think, on Wednesday, so I went to East Germany. It was great. It was fabulous. I’m glad I went, I got to see the wall before they tore it down. Three years later, I got to meet East Germans. You know, it was interesting being followed by the police the entire time I was there. Made sure I didn’t break any rules. But you know, it was. I’m glad I did it. It really was a confidence booster to do something that I was told I couldn’t do. And I think that’s the thing. is that as soon as an abuser tells their kids Oh, you can’t do this, oh, you’re not, you’re not this enough, you’re not that enough. You can’t. That’s the very thing that kids should do. Because that’s the worst fear of the abuser is that kid is going to step out of their comfort zone. Boy, howdy, those wings are going to come out, and they’re going to fly seriously. I’m not kidding you. They don’t want you to fly. They don’t want you to be adventurous. They don’t want you to explore who you are. They don’t want you to outdo them. We talked about that. They don’t want you to succeed where they failed. And you know, the more intimidated they are by somebody, the more their threats are personal. And along the lines of danger, you’re going to get hurt. You’re going to get killed. You’re going to. You’re not smart enough. You’re not this enough. You’re not pretty enough. You’re not, you know, blah, blah, blah, or handsome enough, or whatever. And that just shows me how intimidated they are by that kid, that kid is obviously got the skill to do what they want to do, and that abuser does not want them to succeed. So yeah, they absolutely do that.
So, what you’re going to do is baby steps, and you’re going to start writing yourself letters to your inner children, hey, little kids inside, and guess what, we’re going on an adventure. Here are the things we want to do. It’s going to be scary. And we can do this absolutely. 110% The Inner Child Workbook, Lucia Cappacchione or Catherine Taylor, Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. Get with a good trauma therapist, work through the fears. What are the fears? Are they real? Are they not? So, write them down, write them down, and challenge them. Now, danger is real. Putting your hand on a hot stove is real. Thinking about putting your hand on a hot stove is not. See where I’m going with that. So, what abusers love to do is they love to fill your head with all of these what if? What if? What if? What if, what if, what if, what if? Well, you’re living in a future that has not and probably will not happen. There’s only here and now. So obviously, you be safe. You do, you know, safe in that You know, you take the necessary precautions, but you don’t let the fear stop you. Does that make sense? I kind of view the fears that my mom and my dad shoved into my head as the enemy. I really do. It’s kind of like, oh, yeah, you’re. Yeah, you want me to not do all of these things? Watch me mother. Clucker. Seriously, seriously.
Now, obviously, I’m not going to do something stupid, like go walk down a dark alley at two o’clock at the morning. But you know, it’s like as far as all of their stuff, it was all don’t explore, you know, don’t go see, don’t learn for yourself. Don’t try something; you could fail that that was all of their stuff. Because it couldn’t stand failure. They couldn’t stand failure. They’re talking about themselves, not me. Failure is a part of life. That’s how we learn. When we fail. We go well, crap, that didn’t work. Now what, and you try something different. That’s all it means. But to an abuser, they will take that failure. They will rub the kid’s nose in it and make sure they never try again. It’s intentional guys. It’s intentional. Everything they do is geared to keep us with them not leaving. So, getting over the fear. When the amygdala starts acting up, it’s going to act up, you just self-soothe, and you breathe. So, one of the things, too, that helps me when I do something that I’m not confident about or something that I’m a little scared off. I start imagining okay, how is this going to? How does this going to feel? How is this going to go? What am I thinking? What am I feeling? So, I start kind of working my way through it before I’ve done it. Does that make sense? So, you just kind of imagine, you know, it’s like, what is this thing I want to do? Okay, where’s the fear coming in? Oh, oh, it’s because mom and dad said XYZ. Well, guess what, Mom and Dad, you’re not a part of this adventure. I’m safe. I’m okay. I can do this. So that’s how you start overcoming that amygdala panic attack needing to stay in the safety zone. You know, you the fun. It’s, it’s funny. It’s like, here’s the safety zone. Here’s the fun. So, you want to go for the fun. You want to go try and do new things, you know, so you’re going to have to talk your way through it get with a good trauma therapist.
Do narcissists themselves have eating disorders. My narcissist parent was morbidly obese. Yes, and a secret eater, and she would raid the cupboards at night when everyone else was asleep and eat everything. Well, yes, absolutely they can. But it’s usually think about it this way. narcissists usually have an addiction of some sort, usually. So, but it’s different than the self-soothing addiction that the targets of abuse have. So, narcissists will usually not always but usually they will have either and eating disordered eating too much, or like a sex addiction. So, they tend to have addictions they do. I think it’s because they want to feel, again, in that that’s not so different but going in and eating everything in the cupboard shame-based that’s definitely shame based not eating in front of people.
Kris Godinez 45:24
That’s a shame-based thing. And one of the schools of thoughts on abusers is that they have a great deal of shame. I’m not entirely sure that’s always the case. I don’t think it is. But yeah, they are absolutely. They’ve usually got some sort of addiction. So, I’m not surprised. I really am not surprised.
Kris, can exposure to narcissism cause a person to have a nihilistic perspective? Questions? Like, why? Why live when you’re going to die one day often bother me? Wow, that’s an existential crisis. So yeah, it does. It can. Absolutely. So existential crises are common in adult children that have been raised by abusers because, especially oh my god, especially if the abuser was religious. Okay. So, one of the things that I have struggled with, which is why I kind of it’s like I consider myself a Christian, but I follow the Buddhist philosophy. One of the things I have struggled with is the whole God thing. It’s like, why would God allow these types to exist? So, yeah, we have existential crisis things, you know, that is a common one, and you’re not wrong for having it, you’re not. It’s just that you seen crap, and you start questioning everything. And it does give us a nihilistic attitude. And I think, honestly, that’s their intention. So, the tact that I have taken, and this has helped me, is that abusers cannot stand optimism at all, period. They hate optimistic people. They hate joy. They hate laughter. You know that whole thing devil runs from laughter who boy howdy, is that true? So, they want their targets of abuse to be hopeless, to be completely hopeless. Well, what’s the point? Why, why are we here? We’re all going to die anyway. We’re all going to be maggot food. Anyway, so my take on that is okay, yeah, we’re all going to die anyway, you betcha. And I’ll tell you what, I’m going to have the most fun I can possibly have. And I’m going to help the most people I can possibly can between now and that point in time. It’s just a choice. It’s a choice. It’s kind of like, Okay, do I allow the abusers to basically piss on my campfire and make the rest of my life miserable? Or do I go, yeah, we’re finite, we are finite. We are the stuff of stars, as Carl Sagan used to say and, and I don’t know what comes after this. I hope it’s something good. You know, I would love it if we did have reincarnation and all that sort of good stuff. Or if there was a heaven or, you know, whatever. Um, and I choose to be optimistic. I choose to be like, yeah, really, there’s a point. There’s a point. There’s a reason I’m here. There’s, there’s a, I’m doing the best I can with what I got. I’m helping as many people as I can. And I am going to enjoy the crap out of this place until I leave. And plus, the fact to it’s like, I’ve got great nieces and great nephews, and I love taking them to new places, showing them new things, helping them get over whatever little fears they have, you know, encouraging them to be them. That to me is like, awesome sauce.
So, it is common for us to have that nihilistic… now, when I was probably, Yeah, high school. Absolutely suicidal. I was absolutely suicidal because I couldn’t see a way out. Like, you know, I was stuck in the house. My dad was abusing me. My mom knew he was abusing me. She wasn’t doing anything. I really did get stuck in that existential crisis of what is the frickin point, right? After I left, I continued therapy. I had started therapy with Ruth Hornaday and Chico, and then I went to the counselors at Chico State. And I continued my therapy then I found Fabian Smith in Portland. And I kept working on that, and I realized that that nihilistic nothing matters. You might as well be miserable. You know, bla bla bla bla bla, that was my dad. That was all my dad. He wanted everyone around him to be miserable. So as kind of a middle finger to him, I’m kind of like, nope, guess what? I found Buddhism. Ah, you know, I’m going to have a good time. And I’m going to help as many people as I can. And yeah, do I occasionally have those thoughts? Yeah, especially when something happens, you know, that I read about in the news where somebody has been harmed, especially a kid or a dog or cat, or any living being, and you know, you kind of go, what? Then then you have to be like, okay, deep breath, deep breath, deep breath, how can I make this world a better place? What can I do? Right? That’s, you know, it’s a choice. It’s a choice. And if you are interested in reading up on existential crisis, read Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, he survived the Holocaust. And it was all about how he found whatever it was that helped him get through that and to not lose who he was. And that’s what they want. They want us to lose who we are. By making things so miserable by torturing us by being harmful and hurtful and negative and nasty. They want us to lose who we basically are. And who we basically are…are little bundles of light that love. That’s what we are, love is the highest power. And they can understand that, and they want to extinguish that light like nobody’s business. Don’t let them extinguish that light. And the ironic thing is what saved me from suicide was that I used to listen to Robin Williams tapes all the time. And eventually, he ended up killing himself, unfortunately. But he, his humor, his humor helped me get through my crazy family, Monty Python, that helped me get through my crazy families. Steve. Ah, Steve Martin, Steve Martin helped me get through that. Martin Short helped me get through that second city TV helped me get through that. So, finding the joy, finding the humor, finding the silly that really helped. And you don’t ignore that there is suffering you don’t you acknowledge it. You know, and you do occasionally have those times where you’re just like, what? What’s going on? God, I don’t get it. Don’t understand. But you know, that’s normal. So that’s okay. But don’t unpack your luggage there, is what I’m saying. So, Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl. It’s a good book, a little depressing, but it’s a very good book. So that’s what I recommend. Okay, um, alright.
Do you think a narcissist could binge eat just to brag that they can afford it too? Yeah, I might. I be I’m not surprised if anything they do. I’m sure there was trauma, but it didn’t seem like she was numbing anything. She did eat herself to death. Yeah, that is a very weird bragging right. So, narcissists will flaunt their wealth in the weirdest ways. Whether it’s, you know, binge eating or ordering the most expensive thing ever, whenever they go out, or, you know, collecting extremely expensive cars, or, you know, stuff, stuff and things, they’re all about stuff and things. And if they use it for bragging rights, and yeah, absolutely, yeah. And remember, the narcissist has to be the smartest, the most, you know, well respected, etc., etc., etc., person in the room. So that does not surprise me.
Can using humor as a way to cope be a bad thing? Only if you are actively avoiding the issue. Does that make sense? So, some people use humor to keep people at arm’s length. That’s never a good thing. You are finding humor, gallows humor. So, for example, in working in my profession, a lot of us have got gallows humor because we hear the most horrible things on a daily basis. It’s like there was a meme that I posted on my personal page. And it said something like I’m currently experiencing at. I’m currently experiencing life at several 1000 WTF per second. Like, yeah, that yeah, that works. So yeah, using humor to not address the real issue or the real emotion that that is not healthy, but using humor to kind of cope with the maybe the trauma or the seriousness of the situation that can be healthy. As long as you’re not harming somebody else. Does that make sense? So, it’s kind of like, you don’t want to start laughing at a funeral, for example. You may go outside and do that. But do you see where I’m going with that? So, it’s like you don’t want to hurt other people. And you want to be respectful of yourself and others. But using humor is a good way to cope with a lot of heavy, heavy stuff. That’s why I love Star Trek, I love Strange New Worlds.
Kris Godinez 55:05
They do this wonderful mix of humor, and then a really serious subject, lightened with humor, and then back to the serious subject so that you can take it in. We tend to learn things better and remember things better if it is associated with the endorphins, the dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. So that’s my humor is so great in teaching, in that you make it pleasurable, and the students will learn, the students will remember the lesson because they’re like, oh, yeah, that was a great lesson. That’s what I love. Yeah. And I laughed at that. And oh, yeah, that’s Oh, but that’s serious. But yeah, I remember. So that’s what you want to do. So that’s why incorporating humor is so important. And it’s so funny.
I had a professor who shall remain nameless because he was a dip, um, that never wanted to use humor. I don’t remember a damn thing that man said. But I had another Professor, John Nixon who made me laugh the whole damn time. I remember everything he said. So, you know, its humor is important. Humor has its place. Just make sure you’re not pushing the real emotion away, that you are allowing yourself to express and feel it, and that you’re not trampling over other people’s maybe need to express a different emotion. But yeah, humor is a good coping mechanism. It really is. I mean, it got me in a lot of trouble with my dad because he would say something absolutely ludicrous. And I would point it out. And then I would get hit, but you know what, worth it because it’s like, spoke truth. There you go. So ya know, humor is important. Humor is a coping skill, but don’t use it to push people away. And don’t allow the humor to stop you from processing whatever is underneath going on.
Okay, my loves. So that is it for today. Let me see what we’re talking about. Next week. Do get over here. June shows. There we go. Okay, so next week is, Oh, yeah, the 18th, which is Father’s Day. We’re going to be talking about what is up with the smear. Why do they smear? What do they smear with? Flying Monkeys? That whole thing because, apparently this is up for a lot of people. So, we’re going to talk about smear campaign, we’re going to talk about what is up with the smear, what they what they get out of it, etc., etc. And how you can rise above
All right, my love’s you guys go have a great week. Drink plenty of water, take good care of yourselves. Work on your relationship with food, normalize a healthy relationship with food. You did not deserve all of their vitriol and all of the craziness they spewed all over you about their issues with food. So, work on that Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, and C-PTSD from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. The Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker. A lot of this has to go back to inner child because that’s where our relationship with food usually started getting messed up with them. The Inner Child Workbook, Catherine Taylor, or Lucia Cappacchione. Alright, you guys go. Have a great week and I will talk to you on Wednesday with any questions that didn’t get to you. And other questions that come in during the week. All right, talk to you guys later. Bye.
Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.
You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.