Have you ever wondered why some people just cannot make a decision without asking everyone and anyone? What causes a person not to trust their own judgment? Have you ever met someone who just wanted to be taken care of to the point of clinginess? That would be someone with a dependent personality.
Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA, or any other therapist for that matter.
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Oh, okay. So, as you may notice, the background is a little different. So, John and I are doing our first attempt at Snowbirding, so we’re going to see how it goes this summer traveling with Okay, I’m going to switch that around where the puppies can you see the puppies, there’s the puppies. So, there’s Lucky and there’s Moana. So, we’re, we’re traveling with the puppies. So that is very exciting, very nerve-wracking. They’re actually really good travelers. I’ve been very, very fortunate and lucky with these dogs, literally. So anyway, that is that we’re up in Boise right now visiting the kids. And then, we are going to head over to Portland for the meet-and-greet. So, there are still tickets available. Andy, please leave that in. There are still tickets available on krisgodinez.com. So go to krisgodinez.com and get your tickets for the Portland meet-and-greet, which will be Sunday, July 2, between two and four. The location will be given to you once your ticket is purchased. So, there is that.
So current event for today. All I can say is, WTF, Russia? Seriously, what is going on? John. So last night when we got into the hotel, John and I turned on the news, and John’s like, oh, there’s a coup, and I’m like, Oh, this could be bad or good? I don’t know. But all I can say is Oh, hi guys. Why are you all trying to come into the camera view? Hello. My co-host Lucky, my other co-host. Moana. Anyway, so John and I were both… John is sitting there laughing. Both John and I were both like what is going on? Because we started talking about it. So, the Wagner group is a mercenary group. They’re paid mercenaries, meaning somebody pays them to do what they do. So, for them to turn on Putin is kind of like, well, who’s paying them what’s going on? And then to do like a failed coup kind of kind of go in but not really go in. So, I’m not quite sure I understand what exactly that is all about. And then they said, Oh, well, we brokered a peace deal, and the guy is going to Belarus to live. So, to this point, what has happened in Russia is anyone who is opposed to Putin, anyone, you know, political rivals, generals, you know, diplomats, whatever, anybody who said anything bad about Putin, this guy had said a lot of bad things about Putin, call him like granddaddy, and, you know, basically saying he was old and frail and didn’t know what he was doing. Left out crazy, but yes. But anyway, so everyone who has opposed him has ended up dead, and it’s always been by suicide, and I put that in bunny ears because it’s like, oh, had six stab wounds. 23 bullet holes fell out of hermetically sealed window… was suicide. That’s seriously, that’s what’s been happening.
So, I’m kind of like, how was A. How was this guy still alive? B. What is the deal was sending him to Belarus? See, even if it was staged? What does that serve for Putin? Cuz all it does is make him look bad and weak. I don’t like Putin. I think he’s a megalomaniac. I think he’s insane. Um, that’s just my personal opinion. That is not a diagnosis or a professional opinion. Yeah. Anyway, um, so there’s that. So that is my current event for the day because I’m trying to figure out what the heck is going on. It’s like. This doesn’t… none of this makes sense. And it stinks to high hell because it’s like an attempted coup that didn’t go all the way through. Most people don’t start a coup unless they are assured of winning it. What does that sound like? Right? So, they usually don’t start something unless they’re assured of winning it. And then for it to be backed off and now this guy is living in Belarus when everyone else who’s ever done anything even remotely, not even to the extent that he did verbally about Putin, was killed. I’m just… something’s off. Something is way, way, way off. And I’m suspicious because Putin has been rattling his saber at the Ukraine, rattling a saber at the United States going, Oh, you guys are sending drones, and I’m like, your own guys are like turning against you. So anyway, that is my WTF current event for the day. Anyway, as Yeah, it was a little it was a little nerve-wracking John and I were like, well, what’s going to happen and you know, nothing yet. So anyway, there’s that. Okay, I just It stinks something something we’re not getting the whole story. I don’t know what’s going on. But it just it stinks. So anyway, there’s that.
Okay, so today we are talking about Dependent Personality Disorder. Hold on a second, I want to get to my other phone where I had loaded. Okay. So, the question was, why are some people incredibly dependent, you know, beyond codependency? So, like, just, you know, can’t make a decision, have to ask everybody’s opinion, doubts themselves to the core, needs to be with somebody all the time. So, like they get out of a relationship, boom, they immediately get into another relationship. So Dependent Personality Disorder, this is from the Mayo Clinic, excessive dependence on others and feeling the need to be taken care of, submissive or clingy behaviors towards others, fear of having to provide self-care, or fend for yourself if left alone, lack of self-confidence, requiring excessive advice and reassurance from others to make even small decisions. Difficulty starting or doing new, doing projects on your own due to lack of self-confidence. Difficulty disagreeing with others and fearing disapproval, tolerance of poor or abusive treatment, even when other options are available. An urgent need to start a new relationship when a close one has ended. So yeah, I think we’re going to have to move it looks like we’re going to have a little league team in here pretty soon. We got some time. Okay. Um, so anyway, so that is, that’s what Dependent Personality Disorder is.
So, what causes it? So, I know a lot of survivors of abuse have got that codependency. And that dependence, you know, clinging, meaning don’t want to be alone. So basically, what causes that is trauma in childhood. So usually, when you have an abusive parent, or you have a parent that absolutely refuses to allow you to make decisions. So, like, they take over everything. Remember how we talked about how narcissistic parents take over every decision, the child is never allowed to make a decision. Never allowed to make their own choice. Or if they do, they get made wrong. They get put down. They get told they’re bad and wrong and stupid. And this, that, and the other thing. So, it boils down to the person that has Dependent Personality Disorder usually ends up being codependent. They usually come from some history of having been in an abusive situation where you’re not either not allowed to make decisions or the decisions that you made were made fun of. So, you’re afraid of making a decision? Because if you make the wrong one, what if? So, it’s in with the anxiety disorders. It’s really in with the anxiety disorders. So, it is born of a fear. Please go away be stuck landing on my phone. So, it is, it is born of a fear of making the wrong decision. It is born of the fear of being made wrong, perfectionism, etc., etc., etc. So, it’s also connected directly to self-esteem and the bee is back.
Kris Godinez 09:12
And it’s gone now. I love nature. I’m actually I do I just don’t like these. I do like these. I just don’t like these things stinging. So anyway, um, it’s born of the fear of making the wrong choice. And so dependent people are incredibly clingy. They have this basic assumption that they cannot, not that they, you know, won’t so much, but that they literally cannot take care of themselves. Like I can’t do it. Now. I know the question that’s coming is that oh my gosh, my elderly narcissist does that. Okay, yes, narcissists do play the victim, narcissists do play the, you know, oh, I’m helpless. You have to do it for me. You have to think for me. You have done everything for me. The motivation is different. When a narcissist does something like that, it’s a power and control issue. When somebody who’s dependent personality disorder does that, it’s because they truly believe that they cannot do the right thing. Like they’re incompetent. That’s literally their basic assumption is that they cannot do anything right. They’re incompetent. And they’re making the wrong choice. So, they ask everybody around them. Well, what do you think about this? And should I do this? Or what do you think about that so they come off as very clingy. They come off as very not knowing what they’re doing, constantly needing reassurance. Some of these traits are in with narcissism. But it’s different in that the motivation is different. So, we’ve got all of these things going on, we’ve got this fear of making the wrong choice. We’ve got perhaps a history of abuse in our, in our past, we’ve got this perfectionism. Oh, my gosh, I’ve got to make the right choice. It’s got to be the right thing. I got to make sure it’s the right choice. I’m going to ask everybody in their dog what, what they think and what I should do. And this that new thing, or, and we’ve got this, oh, my god, I can’t be alone. I can’t be alone. I can’t be alone. I can’t. I can’t, I’ve got to have, I’ve got to have a partner, I’ve got to have it well, so let’s talk about why a lot of people that come out of abuse do that. It is self-esteem. Okay.
So, people who love themselves, let me say this, again, people who love themselves enjoy, actually enjoy their own company. Seriously. Seriously, they don’t need a relationship, want a relationship? Sure. Need a relationship? No. So people that are struggling with self-esteem, generally, are the ones that are like, I’ve got to have a girlfriend, I’ve got to have a boyfriend, I’ve got to be in a relationship. Are you sure you want him chewing on that stick, John? Okay. Um, so you know, I’ve got it, I’ve got to be in a relationship, I’ve got to be, you know, that type of thing. So, they’re afraid of being alone. They don’t like what they think. They don’t. They need the distraction of what’s going on up here. And generally, when we’ve been raised by abusive parents is our internal dialogue is nasty. I mean, it is nasty. It’s not nice. The internal critic is like, on steroids, and just vicious and cruel and mean. And so, a lot of people look for an external validation in order to make themselves feel better and a distraction so that they’re not having to deal with all the shame that gets shoved into our space. And that goes for people that are dependent. People who are dependent often have a lot of shame. And they have a lot of fear and a lot of distrust and a lot of…. Do you see where I’m going with that? So, it’s really not um, what are you doing? It’s really a matter of working on your self-esteem, work on your self-esteem for so many reasons.
So, dependent personality disordered people have a hard time believing that they can make the right decision and that they are competent, and that they know what they’re doing. So, when you work on your self-esteem, confidence is one of the things to work on. Certainty. Judge not yourself. That’s the other thing is that we are so mean to ourselves, be certain that you know what you’re doing, and mirror work is going to play into this. So, when we are dependent, when we are constantly asking other people’s opinion and constantly second guessing ourselves and not able to be alone, that is the time to be alone. And that is the time to work on your self-esteem. And to do the mirror work. The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi is perfect. Mirror work. When you’re doing the mirror work, what you’re going to do is you’re going to be Hi. Good to see you. Have a great day. You know what? You do know what you’re doing. It’s okay for you to make decisions, right or wrong. How do we learn? Sometimes we learn by making mistakes. Mistakes can be corrected. Okay. But when we’re with an abuser, oh my god, we better be perfect. Oh my god, we better have the right answer. Oh my god, we better… do you see where I’m going with that. So, we quickly learned that it’s not okay to be wrong. Because for the narcissist, it’s not okay. For them to be wrong. Does this sound familiar? So yeah, narcissists can’t stand it again, interfering in a child’s natural development. Children learn from falling down. They learn from mistakes. That’s how we all learn, but a narcissist interferes with them and shames them for falling down or shames them for making a mistake. And then the kids quickly learns, Oh, I better not make another mistake. I better not. I should, you know. And then the thoughts up here start getting nastier and nastier and nastier. And then the desire to not be alone gets stronger and stronger and stronger, so that there is a distraction so that you’re not dealing with all of this.
So Dependent Personality Disorder really sets us up for codependency. It sets us up to be low self-esteem. Absolutely. It is driven by low self-esteem. And it makes us what’s the word I’m looking for? It really does take our power away because we hand our power off to other people going well, what do you think? What do you think? What do you think will tell me what I should do? Tell me what I should do. You know that kind of thing. Co-dependent people come off as very clingy. And it’s again; it’s not because of like, say, for example, borderlines can be very clingy. But this is because they want somebody to love them. borderlines wants somebody to love them. But it’s not like a manipulative thing. It’s more of a I need reassurance thing if that makes any sort of sense. So anyway, that guy’s that is. Hi, hi Lucky. Are you? Thank you.
Kris Godinez 16:26
That is what I know about codependent personality disorder. So, it is not one of the cluster B’s; I think it’s one of the cluster C’s. So, it is in with the avoidant personality disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder, and all of that good stuff. So yeah, so really, the way to work on getting rid of avoidant or avoidant Dependent Personality Disorder is to work on your self-esteem. First of all, get with a good trauma therapist because a lot of these personality disorders, except for narcissism, are rooted and antisocial are rooted in abuse, they’re rooted in traumas. Something happened. So, somebody abused or made wrong or put down or controlled or manipulated to the point where the child no longer felt capable, or able to make a decision or confident making a decision. So, get with a good trauma therapist. Now somebody had asked me on modalities for this, I would say EMDR CBT. And usually, EMDR, in conjunction with CBT, would be the best because now you’ve got the talk therapy going plus the EMDR. I would also suggest for lots of work. I would also suggest EFT, that’s the Emotional Freedom Technique. That’s the tapping. So, but do you’re going to have to confront the childhood stuff. Yeah, not just trauma-informed? Absolutely. 110%, you do not want a therapist that’s trauma-informed, you need a therapist that knows they’re a hole from a hole in the ground. They need to know trauma inside and out, you know, and also with an EMDR therapist, and with any modality, please, please, please interview your therapist before you go in to see them in look at the reviews. Because here’s the thing, a lot of dicey, not really ethical therapists will say, Oh, I know EMDR. And it turns out they had a weekend seminar in it. No, you don’t know EMDR, it would need to be a long-term program where you’ve really worked on that’s your focus. So also, that you want to watch out for therapists that have multiple modalities now, do I do eclectic when I need to? You bet I know enough about the eclectic stuff. So, like, say, for example, I had this one client that was absolutely having an existential crisis. And CBT was not working. So we went into existentialism, and that worked for him. And so that’s what I did with him. But that’s not my forte.
That’s not what I’m super, super, super good at what I’m super, super, super good at is CBT. So, you don’t want somebody who’s got like, Oh, I do EFT and EMDR and CBT. And does that the other thing and bla bla bla bla bla, no, you know, it’s good to have knowledge of all of those. But what’s your focus? What is your what is the one you’re really good at? So, make sure that they’re not just that they don’t just have a certificate that they actually that’s their main training. And that goes for basically any modality, so DBT, same thing. So, all right, where was I? Saying something with trauma therapy. So, it’s going to be a challenge, working through the trauma, because part of all of the pretzels that people with Dependent Personality Disorder put themselves through is to avoid dealing with the thoughts that are mean and nasty and vicious. So, the other thing you’re going to want to do is get CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, why I know I keep harping on this, but here’s the reason why you’re going to want to put back onto the abuser, all the shame, all the blame all the anger, all the guilt, all the, you can’t do it, etc., etc., etc. And I’m not kidding you. It really does help in the healing process. So, what you’re going to do is you’re going to write a letter to your abuser or to your family of origin or who or teacher, professor, I don’t know, whoever told you, you couldn’t do it. Whoever said, Oh, you’re, you don’t know what you’re doing. You can’t do this, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So, what you’re gonna do is you’re gonna write them a letter, and you’re basically gonna go dear whoever, here’s the truth, I do know what I’m doing. Thanks for playing go pound sand, etc., etc., etc. And you’re gonna take your power back, and you’re going to tell them you don’t believe them. I don’t believe you anymore. You lied. You lied to me. You lied to me about who I am. You lied to me about what I can do. And guess what? I now trust my gut, I know what I am doing. I know who I am. And you don’t get to tell me who I am. You just don’t. So, you’re going to do that. You’re going to tell them to go pound sand with both barrels. And then you’re going to take it out to the barbecue, or you’re going to bring it into your therapist, whatever you want to do. So, you could take it to your therapist, and you could read it out loud and have the therapist help you go through it. Or you can take it out to the barbecue; you can read it out loud once and then burn it and let it go. You know what I’m saying? So there that is. So that will help with the, the dependency and it’s taking your power back. That’s really important.
So, the other thing, too, is, and that’s why I’m saying CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving is so important because it helps you work on all of that stuff. And I know that people are always like, I don’t want to write a letter, I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to deal with it. Well, here’s the deal, you’re going to deal with it consciously. Which is painful, yeah, to be sure. Or you’re going to end up dealing with it unconsciously. Which is even more painful because you’re acting out. And you’re doing behaviors that you don’t understand. And you’re going to be self-sabotaging. And you’re going to be hurting yourself and the people who love you. So, it’s best to do it consciously. It’s best to take your power back consciously and just be like, Nope, this is what I’m going to do. This is how I’m gonna work on myself, etc., etc., etc. So anyway, those are the two things that I can think of to help with the Dependent Personality Disorder. Doing the mirror work is hugely important. Hi, good to see you. Have a great day. You know what, it’s okay for you to make decisions, baby steps, because I can guarantee you that as soon as you say it’s okay for me to make decisions, that little one inside of you is going to have a fit. The little one inside of you is just suddenly going to go oh my god, oh my God, oh, my God, oh, my god, I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.
You know, yeah, you can, you can do this. So, you basically are going to challenge those mistaken thoughts and those mistaken beliefs. And you’re going to give yourself permission to make decisions. Give yourself permission to not ask 20 million people if you’re doing the right thing. So that is hugely important. So, it’s a multipronged? What’s the word I’m looking for? It’s a multi-pronged approach. It’s like, you’ve got to work on the thoughts and the belief, you got to work on the emotions. You’ve got to work on the inner child, inner child workbook by Katherine Taylor. How old were you? And this is important. When your caregiver started shaming you for whatever decisions you made, how old were you? Because that’s how old you are as an adult. So, the inner child running the show, when you find yourself being clingy, when you find yourself not being able to make a decision, when you’re terrified of making a decision when you’re looking for comfort, when you’re choosing to not be by yourself and basically jumping right back into another relationship. That’s how old you are. So that little one, instead of being punished and made wrong, really needs to be loved, and talk to and comforted and told that it’s okay. And guess what, they don’t need a relationship. They need a relationship with themselves and to start working on self-love, self-approval, self-validation, self-acknowledgment. I see you; I hear you. I believe you. And you know what you’re doing, and it’s okay for you to make a decision. It’s okay for you to be alone for a little while, a little while. So, if you’ll notice, when people who are abused get out of a relationship, they want to dive right back into another relationship because the inner child is the one running the show. It’s being dependent, that saying, This alone is going to last forever, that’s really young, that’s a really young age to be thinking at. Does that make sense? Because little one’s little ones don’t have the concept of time. Time to them is like forever, right? As you get older, you know, your concept of time changes, but to a little one, it’s like, oh, it’s gonna be forever, it’s gonna be forever.
Kris Godinez 25:20
And so, then they grasp on to whoever this happens to be around them. And usually, unfortunately, it’s usually another abuser. Why? Because their picker is broken, and they haven’t done the work, you got to do the work. If you’ve got Dependent Personality Disorder, avoidant personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, you got to do the work. You got to do the work, that is the only thing that is gonna get you from point A to point Z, where you want to be. So that is super important. Okay, what else can I tell you guys about Dependent Personality Disorder, they’re kind of difficult to be around because they are so clingy and in need of validation all the time. Which sounds like narcissism with the needing validation all the time. But it’s different. Again, the motivation is completely different. The narcissist is looking for an ego hit. The person with Dependent Personality Disorder is simply looking to be validated. Period. That’s it. There’s no other intent there. So, again, it’s all in what is the intent. What is the intent? What is what is the intention of this? So? Okay, I think that’s it.
Kris Godinez 26:42
Shall we hit the questions, John? Okay. Okay.
I’m a new mom, less than a week old, less than a week old. I’m really confused how my mother treated me so poorly. I’m really angry and the trauma is hitting like, it’s brand new. What do I do? Okay. So, you’re really confused about why your mom treated you so poorly. You’re really angry. And you’re you need to know what to do. All right. So, when we have kids, it triggers us from when we were kids, and it brings up all of the trauma from that point in time, I strongly suggest that you get a good trauma therapist. So, when our caregiver treats us poorly, it’s confusing. It is because we’re constantly told by society, we’re constantly told by, you know, friends and family, oh, but they’re your mother. Oh, well, but no, they’ll come through, oh, well, no, they’ll take care of you. And then they don’t. And so, it’s that cognitive dissonance. It’s kind of like, well, they’re supposed to be loving and kind and caring, and they weren’t, and they continue to not be. So, what the heck? So, it’s bringing up all of the trauma you went through as a kid every single time a client of mine has their child go hit an age that where they were abused, and boy, it triggers them like nobody’s business. So, it’s a really good idea to get with a good trauma therapist, journal, write it out. So, it’s going to be a write-and-burn. If your mom is still in your life and is still abusive, take a look at going no contact. Being angry again, you’re going through all sorts of hormones, too. And something to watch out for is postpartum. So, and that is something to keep an eye on. So, it’s a week, you know, the hormones are up and down, your emotions are going to be up and down. That’s kind of normal. But if it’s specific to your mom wasn’t nice to you. There was abuse going on, and you’re getting triggered, then yeah, you want to seek out a trauma therapist to work on that; not trauma-informed trauma knows what they’re doing therapist, so yeah, for sure. Okay.
Kris Godinez 28:56
Does a narcissist make herself dependent on others on purpose for her own advantage, and then later is truly dependent as they forget how to do life by themselves? Yes, it is absolutely 100% on purpose 110%, And they don’t forget how to do it for themselves. They don’t they know what to do. This is all a game. This is a game. They deserve an Academy Award-winning statue because it’s all a game. So yes, they are absolutely. It’s a power and control issue. So, when a narcissist does the dependent stuff, it’s the learned helplessness, okay? And they sometimes pass that on to their kids, and sometimes people with personality Dependent Personality Disorder also have learned helplessness. The good news here is if it’s learned, it can be unlearned, and it can be replaced with healthier behavior. So learned helplessness is I can’t, you’ll have to think for me. I didn’t know when I’m bull-tinky they know exactly what to do. They know how to do all this stuff. They do. They absolutely do. They get off on the powerplay of making people do it for them. They do, and then as they get older as they turn into collapsed narcissists. Like I said, they’re the ones in the nursing homes, snapping their fingers at the staff and demanding that they service them and, you know, pay attention to them and this than the other because I can’t do it myself. But yeah, you could. And, in fact, the more stuff you do for yourself as you age, the better off you’re going to be. But narcissists, you know what’s funny, narcissists never do that. What they do is they will sit on that couch, they will sit in that reclining chair, or whatever it is, and they will literally start rotting. And they’ll do whatever, so yeah, it’s absolutely they want people to wait on them hand and foot. My grandmother on my mother’s side was an absolute narcissist. Are you kidding me? And she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself. So happy hi babies look at you are pretty. So, she absolutely was capable of taking care of herself. She chose not to. And, you know, and it her body started. Deteriorating because she wasn’t exercising. She wasn’t walking. She wasn’t taking care of herself. She wasn’t doing anything intellectual. She wasn’t, you know, stimulating her mind. She wasn’t. She just wanted to be felt sorry for. Oops, got a leaf on you. Hold on, buddy. Let me get that leaf off. There we go. So, um, thank you. So yeah, so yeah, they absolutely they absolutely do, but do they know how to take care of them? Yeah. If the rubber met the road, right? I think that’s the right term. Sometimes I say these terms. I’m like, did I say the right one? Or did I mix two together? Anyway, um, if it really came down to it brass tacks, if it came down to brass tacks, they would know what to do to take care of themselves. They’re. They’re acting. Absolutely. Okay. Next question.
Kris Godinez 32:03
Do narcissists lie about their experiences and past? Like, they might say that they were abused in order to justify their behavior. Oh, god, yes. And do they even know their own behavior? Okay, narcissists absolutely lie about their past, how many times have we heard about, especially politicians lying about military service, pretending to be heroes, etc., etc., etc? Yeah, they absolutely lie about their past. So, they will lie about being abused in order to get you to open up. That’s something to watch out for. So generally, healthy people don’t talk about abuse in the first date. narcissists, on the other hand, are, you know, oh, well, you know, I was abused as a kid. And, and this that the other hoping that you’re going to open up and tell them about your abuse so that they can just store that stuff away, and then use it at a later date. So that is what they do. What was the other part of that question? Yes, they lie. Yes, they believe it. Do they even know their own behavior? On some level. Yes. But you have to understand the pathology going on, especially with a dark triad. Okay. Which is psychopath, narcissist, Machiavellian. The pathology there is they are so delusional that they truly, truly believe their own lives. You can watch it. We talked about this, you know, kind of cross over their face when they’re confronted with the truth. So yeah, you want to they, on some level, they know they’re lying. But they’re convincing themselves. And that’s why they repeat their lies so often, because the more you repeat something, the more your subconscious mind is going to believe it. And the more your flying monkeys are going to believe it too. So, there’s a purpose for everything they do. Absolutely. 110% Do they know their lying? Yeah, on some level, 110% You can watch it. You can see them kind of be like, Yeah, can I get away with this? Yeah, yeah. Can you know that kind of thing? So yeah, absolutely. They do they do now? On some level next.
Kris Godinez 34:22
How do you deal with people that want to bring up bad things that happen? Oh, you tell them. I’m not interested. This is okay. This is where no comes into play. No. Is your friend. No is a powerful word. No is a protection word. It is a word of boundary. It is a wall of No, you know, and no is a complete sentence. So, when you tell somebody no, you offer them no explanation. No, I’m not interested in talking about that. No, I’m not going to tell you about that. No, this is not on the table for discussion. Thank you. So, something I do when somebody who is particularly heinous, you know, ask me something that they really have no right to, and I’m not interested in sharing. And I’m not interested in giving them an explanation because that’s what abusers want you to do; they want to get you on the ropes so that you give them an explanation so that they make you feel less than that’s what that whole needing an explanation is. So, when somebody does that to me, and I don’t really like them, or care about them, or give a damn if they’re never gonna see them again, and they’re evil, then I will say something like, well, thank you for asking.
Kris Godinez 35:35
And that’s it. I never say another word. And they either get really uncomfortable and a little bit, but it no is a complete sentence. We’re not talking about this period. And if they continue, you walk away. So, it’s boundaries, its boundaries, The Disease to Please Harriet Braiker, great for co-dependency stuff. Boundaries, you want to be able to say no and not feel guilty about it. So, abusers will try to make you feel guilty for saying no, never, ever on this or any other planet; feel guilty for saying no. It is your right. You have the right to say no, no, I don’t want to talk about that. No, I’m not going to do that. No, I’m not going to gossip. No, I’m not going to be your flying monkey. Do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, no is a complete sentence. All right. Next question.
I apologize all the time to literally everything.
Kris Godinez 36:28
How do I stop doing that. Okay, Self-Esteem Workbook. So, when John and I first started dating, I would run into mannequins and apologize to the mannequin for running into them. Seriously, show me somebody who has survived abuse from a family of origin. I will show you somebody who over-apologizes. And the reason is, is because even when we weren’t in the wrong, we had to say I’m sorry to our abuser. I can’t tell you the number of times my mom made me apologize to my dad. If I could throw a middle finger right now, I totally would. Because I had nothing to apologize for. I had an emotion you didn’t like it? Guess what? Too bad. So, but he was like, you know, knew you can’t be mad at me. That’s what abusers do. Good. Parents know that their kids sometimes get angry with them. Absolutely. Bad. Parents view it as a defying authority. You’re being, what’s the word? I’m looking for. obstinate, You’re being stubborn. You’re defying me. You’re this. You’re that instead of, oh, you’re a little kid having big emotions. Little kids have big emotions, and they’re not always going to be happy, happy, joy, joy. They’re just not. So um, yeah, abusers absolutely will not allow their kids to have emotions. And they will absolutely try to control them. And what was the question? I’m sorry, I lost it again. Apologize. Apologizing. So, you’re apologizing constantly for having an emotion for being a regular kid. For you know, you’re always apologizing for everything for existing God. I mean, that. Yeah, abusers make their kids feel like they need to apologize for their existence, you know? So, like what my dad did is, he always made us responsible for him not retiring. Oh, it’s your fault. I can’t retire. It’s your fault that this is happening. It’s your fault. I’m unhappy. And it took me until I was in my teens to realize, no, you’re the one who’s making all these choices. You’re the one who is miserable. You’re the one who nobody likes. Gosh. Who’s the problem here? None of your kids must be you. You see where I’m going with that. So yeah, we do end up apologizing, apologizing, apologizing.
So, work on self-esteem, the Self-Esteem Workbook Glenn Shiraldi. Get your self-esteem up to where it needs to be. You do not need to apologize for existing. You don’t. You don’t need to apologize for existing, and so many of us who came out of abusive families of origin feel that need to apologize all the time. You don’t you don’t need to apologize for existing. Mirror work. Hi, good to see you. Have a great day. I give you permission to exist. I permission you I give you permission to be I give you permission to be happy. I give you permission to have emotions. I give you permission, period. Do you see where I’m going with that? So, work on the Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi and work on the mirror work. You have a right to have your own emotions. Notice what you’re apologizing for. Who are you apologizing to? What is driving it? What’s the thought? So, for me, it was when I bumped into the mannequin, and I said I’m sorry, I went, What the frick is that? You know, and then it’s also good to have friends pointed out, it’s like, Hey, you’re apologizing again, you don’t need to. So that kind of helps to validate that, hey, I don’t need to apologize for the only time you need to apologize is if you have harmed somebody, and you need to make amends, that’s really the only time you need to apologize. You know, it’s other than that, no. So, there’s that.
Okay. I’m not sure if this is a question or not somebody put, did you heal your attachment style from childhood? If so, how did you move to more secure?
Kris Godinez 40:23
Okay, so moving to more secure? This is a question. So, did I heal my attachment style from childhood? Yes. How did I move to more secure a, I went to therapy. Seriously, I went to therapy, I went to Ruth Hornaday in Chico, when I was a teenager, I went to Fabian Smith up in Portland when I was an adult. I continued my therapy on in Phoenix. And I worked on the self-esteem, and I did mirror work. And I wrote and burned letters like nobody’s business. So, and you start surrounding yourself with healthier people, the healthier the people you surround yourself with, the ones that have the secure attachment, the more their behavior rubs off on you. So, it really is a truth that you must be careful who you allow in your life. Because if you’ve got people around you that are all abusers, or low self-esteem, and they don’t like themselves, and they’re always apologizing for themselves, and they’re always harming themselves, and they’re always, you know, drama, and this and the other thing, it’s going to be very difficult for you to heal. So, you want to surround yourself with people who’ve got a good attachment, who liked themselves, who are also dedicated to working on self-esteem, who are also dedicated on improving themselves bettering themselves, etc., etc.
So that is how you heal that attachment is you work on your own self-esteem, and you surround yourself with friends. And if you have family who have got good self-esteem, absolutely. And that helps with the security. So, security is not just being with somebody. It’s being with yourself. And it’s recognizing that those of us who were abused by toxic family members really truly got abandoned. We truly, truly were abandoned in every way, shape, and form. You know, it’s like either through the abuse itself, through the neglect itself, or through the other parent enabling the abuser. Like for example, when my mom insisted that my mom insisting that I apologize to my dad for having a natural emotion for being mad at him. Because he was abusive. Go figure. So, yeah, so it’s really important to work on self-esteem. Okay, that’s it. Okay, kiddos, we’re going to call it good for today. So, you guys have a great week. I will be doing a show next week. There are still tickets available on krisgodinez.com for the July 2 meet-and-greet in Portland. I don’t know what that show is that I’m doing on that Sunday. I’m going to have to go look, so I will also do the questions on Wednesday so, and then I’ll let you know what the show is. All right, I will talk to you guys later.
Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.
You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.