We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez

06-26-2022 Becoming an Individual
In this episode of We Need To Talk With Kris Godinez, Kris discusses the importance of overcoming fear and mistaken beliefs, and mistaken thoughts.

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Alright, so let’s dive into today’s topic. So, today’s topic is becoming an individual. So, what stops us from becoming our full potential? What stops us from doing the things that we want to do, but we’re terrified of? So, it’s fear. So, let’s talk about family of origin and, and fear. So, when we are raised by narcissistic, you know, people, they instill their fear, they shove their fear into our heads. So, I think we’ve talked about that. So, you know, the, the fear of, you know, going out the fear of whatever.

So, in my case, when I was growing up, my mother kept shoving this fear of rape, you’re going to get raped, if you get out, go out, you’re going to get raped. So, I started being very fearful of being harmed. And funny, it was the fear. The danger was from my own father, not from you know, strangers. So, um, but the point being is she kept shoving that fear into my head, and I kept going, you know, what? No, I got angry. I really, really, really got angry. And I was like, No, I am not going to allow your fear. Because at the time, I didn’t know it her step grandfather had raped her. And I had not, I did not have that knowledge at that time. And so it made perfect sense that she was like, no, no, no, no, no, it’s not safe. No, no, no, no, no. And I’m just like, the lady, your predator is sleeping in your bed with you. So, you know, I mean, so there’s a lot of stuff. So anyway, they showed their fear into our space. And so it’s really important. Thank you, it’s really important to identify what is really your fear? And what is really somebody else’s fear? Does that make sense? So, the thing of it is, is that abusers and or traumatized people have a tendency to project so remember, we were talking about projection being one of the ego defenses.

Kris Godinez  03:05

So, they tend to project their stuff into your space and tell you that no, you this is what you believe. No, this is what you think, no, this is what you feel. No, this is what you, you know, fill in the blank. So, it’s really, really, really important to, you’ve got to really separate out, Is this really my own fear? Or is this coming from a disordered parent, or a fearful parent, or a PTSD parent that never dealt with it? I mean, mom didn’t tell me about this about her grandfather, her step grandfather, until literally, decades later, you know, and then all of a sudden, I was like, Oh, this all makes sense why you behaved this way. You know what I’m saying?

So, it’s really important to figure out what is keeping you from doing what you’ve always wanted to do. What is keeping you from individuating yourself? I don’t even know if that’s a word. I just made it up, from your family of origin or what is keeping you from separating yourself that’s a better word from your abuser, you know, because the abusers do the same thing. Think what I think feel what I feel, believe what I believe and if you don’t, I’m going to punish you. So, what is keeping what are those mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs that have been shoved into your space that are so not even yours, that have prevented you from separating from unenmeshing yourself from either the family of origin or from the abuser?

So, this is a journal assignment guys, I want you to write down what are these things? What are these fears? So, here’s the quote that I love fear is false evidence appearing real F. E. A. R. False evidence appearing real! And so abusers will tell us Oh, yeah, what I’m telling you is the truth. Oh, you know, this is? Absolutely you can’t you can’t do this.

So a great example is when I finally threw my foot down and said, You know what? No, I am not going to live my life terrified of some shadowy stranger when the threat was at home, you know what I’m saying? So, you know, I left home when I was 17, because I knew if I’d stayed, my father would have probably raped me, honestly, because he was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. So, um, and it’s all in my book. I don’t have it with me, but it’s all in my book, what’s wrong with your dad? So, you know, and I left home I got out of there, I got into college and never looked back. So, I decided that at that point, you know, I’m not going to listen to my mom who clearly was unable to protect herself, let alone any of us. And so I started confronting the fears. And I started doing the polar opposite, which probably wasn’t smart, either, to be perfectly honest, but I started doing the polar opposite to whatever she was like, Don’t you dare, don’t you dare, don’t you dare. So when I was 21, I saved up my money and I backpacked across Europe. Well, my mom had a fit, came unglued. Oh, my God, it’s not safe, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, you’ll get raped. That was her typical thing. And I went and I backpacked across Europe, and I had an absolute blast. Was it terrifying? Yes. Because I was going against everything that she had shoved into my head. Of course, my dad was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. And he was livid that I was out of his reach, and he couldn’t harm me. He couldn’t beat me. He couldn’t molest me. He couldn’t do whatever. So he was angry that I was off traveling through Europe. But what ended up happening is, is that I met some really great people. I’m pen pals to this day with a couple of them. Hello, Matt. You know, and it’s, it was freeing, it was terrifying and freeing.

So in this circle, is your comfort zone in this circle over here is where you want to get to. And in this little passageway is abject terror. So basically, you’re going to have to confront your fears. And I did. So, it’s like, I went out, I backpacked I off on my own, did my thing I went to all these different countries met all these different people had some amazing food, oh, my God. But the fear was huge. And especially when I went against the whole, you know, don’t go to a communist country. So, at the time, Germany, East Germany, West Germany, so I was like, Screw it, go into Germany. I’m going to, I’m gonna go see Berlin. Let’s, let’s see what it looks like. And I went, and I did it. And it was nerve wracking. And it was terrifying. And, of course, in my head the whole time,

Kris Godinez  07:50

I’m like, What if we get arrested? What if we get arrested? What are we going to do? I’m like, I’m not doing anything to get arrested. It’s fine. So, you know, I did that. And it was so freeing to blow up those mistaken thoughts and mistaken beliefs that my parents had shoved into my head about who I was as a human being, and what the world was, and safety.

So, it’s a matter of separating out real fear. So okay, danger is real danger is real. Clearly, you’re not going to do you know, I didn’t do anything stupid, like, you know, walk down a dark alley at two o’clock in the morning by myself. No, thank you. Nothing like that. But they were trying to make it like everything was dangerous. Everything was fearful. So, I had to literally journal it out what is a real danger? What is an imaginary fear? Fear is just a thought. Fear is just a thought. And it’s what keeps us stuck, because we start thinking that that thought is real. No, that thought is not real. Now there’s danger. And then there’s fear, which is a control mechanism that abusers use to keep us stuck. Does that make sense?

So, what I want you to do is I want you to start separating out what is real a real threat? What is what you know, what is a possibility? What is an imaginary one? And then what can you do to mitigate it? So, it’s kind of like you’re going to do a disaster report. What is the worst thing that could happen? Well, the worst thing that could have happened to me when I was traveling through Europe was okay, I could have been, I could have been physically assaulted. I could have been, you know, robbed. I could have been whatever. I did get mugged in Norway. Oh, well, but I survived. It was fine. But you know, do you see where I’m going with that? And it’s like, you just kind of, okay, well, what can you do? Okay, well, I contacted the police and I got, you know, contacted American Express and, you know, did everything I needed to do and all of that and it was fine. It was fine. So it’s kind of like do a disaster report, what is the worst thing that can happen and then start challenging it. Okay. And what can you do if this does happen? How are you going to prevent it from happening?

So, a lot of us are over thinkers which cause us to not go out and be ourselves. This is why this whole becoming an individual thing is all stopped from fear. So, it’s the fear that got shoved into our space. It’s the fear that we got trained with, it’s the fear that they used to control us. And they did that a lot to stop us to keep us from going places to keep us from finding out that they’re not all knowing or finding out that they’re wrong. Or finding out, you know, whatever. My dad was an incredibly racist, sexist. Oh, dear Lord, that that man had problems, and I use the term man loosely. So, you know, I mean, it’s, it was so freeing to go out into the world and meet people and experience the different cultures and realize dad was wrong. Dad was wrong. Dad was using this as a control, and mech and manipulation mechanism. He was using this mom was using this so that I wouldn’t leave her. So, you want to start working on what are the fears? What’s keeping, you know, here’s the comfort zone, here’s where you want to get what’s keeping you from running through this tunnel to get to where you want to get? What are the fears? What are the fears? What’s the worst thing that can happen?

So, something that somebody brought up was

Kris Godinez  11:22

Well, I’m terrified of being ridiculed or bullied. And I’m rule yeah, here. Yeah, I hear you on that one. Because that’s what our abusers do. They ridicule us, and they bully us to keep us to shut up, they want us to shut up, they don’t want us to talk. They don’t want us to think they don’t want us to do anything but be a little puppet for them to manipulate and to control. So, if the fear is I’m afraid of being bullied, okay, what can you do? Self-esteem workbook. I kid you the frick not? And I say this all the time. And everybody’s like, really? Is it that simple? Well, it’s that simple. And yet that complicated, it’s working on the self-esteem. So, this is going to be the polar opposite of codependency. This is going to be self-reliance, and not self-reliance in a CPTSD kind of way, where it’s a trauma response, where I’m not going to ask anybody for help. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this is learning that you know, what, you know, and discerning Is this fear really mine? Or is this something that got shoved into my space? And if this is a real fear, if this is a valid point, what can I do to mitigate it? What can I do to make sure that doesn’t happen?

So it’s challenging, it’s writing, you’re going to write, you’re going to write out what the fears are, and you’re going to challenge them, what’s the mitigation? What can you do to mitigate it? What can you do to make sure that doesn’t happen? And then go do so what I see happening with a lot of survivors is they’ve been so browbeaten and so bullied, and so harassed and so harmed, and so put down and so that there’s very little self-esteem there to be able to stand up and go stop and I mean it right. And second to that is Stop it. I mean, it and guess what I do know what I know, I do know, what’s up, I do see that pink elephant taking a crap in the corner of the living room.

So really, this is what’s going to help you become an individual. When I’m talking to people that have come out of an abusive relationship. One of the biggest things is Oh, my God, I’m terrified of being alone. I’m terrified of going out to lunch by myself. Everybody’s looking at me. No, they’re not. No, they’re not trust me. On that one. Everyone is so in their own heads. They’re not bothering to. It’s not high school guys. Now in high school, I would say Yeah, absolutely. They are. But once you get out of high school, no, everybody is so busy with their own lives. They’re not looking over at somebody else’s table and going, Oh, I wonder why they’re sitting alone. Oh, my God, what a loser. Bla bla bla bla, no, that is not happening. So, you’re going to have to confront that fear false evidence appearing real because that one’s a, that one’s a not real one. Trust me on that one. You know, and just be like, nobody cares that I’m having lunch by myself. Seriously, nobody does. I go out to lunch by myself all the damn time. Sometimes I go out to dinner by myself, depending on how crazy busy things are. Nobody looks, nobody cares. Nobody bothers me. I sit there and I do my stuff. And you know, eat my lunch and go home. So, you see where I’m going with that.

So, I pulled up some articles on fear. And a lot of them had some really good points. So this one is seven things you need to know about fear this is by Theo Towsides PhD. And this was written in 2015. And fear is healthy. So, there is the brain is hardwired to feel fear because it lets us know when there is danger. So, you know, there’s that you know, that little sixth sense that we get when we’re fearful of you know, something happening or that kind of thing, and it turns out to be right so that’s a real thing. But unfortunately for us, because our up Periscope, our PTSD, or CPTSD has forced us to be in hyper-alert, and we’re looking for danger when none exists. So, we have to be able to push that Periscope down and go stand down. There is nothing to be afraid of. So, what if somebody gets snarky, if I go to lunch by myself, that speaks volumes about them. And nothing about me, because healthy normal people don’t care if somebody’s having lunch by themselves. But remember, it’s that microscope that we’ve been under by our abuser, by our parents, by our romantic interest, sometimes by a boss, that causes us to be hyper-vigilant. And oh my gosh, oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, what’s going on?

Kris Godinez  15:46

What’s Oh, they’re looking at me. They’re thinking this, there’s no what other people think about us is none of our business. None of our business. If I had allowed my parents to get into my head, and really mess with me about going to Europe, I never would have gone. And like I said, I have a lifelong friend in Matthew Dibias. He’s a wonderful writer. He’s a great guy. He does a blog, he’s into sports, you know, he’s just a sweetheart. I love him to death. And he is a wonderful person that I would not have met had I not gone on that trip. Does that make sense?

So, what is real? What is not? What is theirs? What is ours? That’s what we got to start doing. So okay, hold on back to the seven things. So it is healthy in that fear is the amygdala recognizing a threat. So, remember, let’s talk about the amygdala for a second. So the amygdala, either side of the brain sits about an inch inside of each ear. So, this little guy is almond shaped. And it is I’m simplifying this. So, this is basically responsible for our fight, flight freeze or fawn response, when this guy gets triggered when a threat comes in real or imagined. This is how powerful our thoughts are. And this is why I want you guys to start mastering thought stopping. So, when we imagine something when we go, Oh, I’m in a bank. Oh, what if it gets robbed? What if I’m there and somebody’s I can feel my heart already starting to pound. Because the amygdala is going, Oh, whew, what if that happens, Jeez, that’s not good. So, the amygdala cannot tell the difference between a real event and US daydreaming about the event. It cannot tell the difference between past present future it can’t. So, when we start presenting the amygdala with a threat, it tells the hippocampus, hypothalamus, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, we’re going to die. These two guys then tell the brain oh, we need cortisol. Cortisol is our stress hormone we start tensing up cuts off the oxygen to our lungs. Now we’re taking puffy little breaths, which is never a good thing because now the brain doesn’t have enough oxygen. So, the oxygen co2 has gone wonky. And then what happens is that tells another part of the brain a little further down on the brainstem. A little more reptilian, O M G, we are going to die. And then it’s like we need energy we got to get out of here. So, then that tells the adrenal gland that sits on top of the kidneys. dump everything now we need to get out red alert. Shields up we’re in danger. So now we’re sitting there shaking like a leaf racing, thoughts racing thoughts, racing thoughts kind of going down a rabbit hole, pounding heart pounding heart pounding heart, and all of this energy but nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide nowhere to and so now we’re left with all this overthinking, overthinking, overthinking. AND, and OR we go into a panic attack and or a rage attack. So that’s basically what fear does.

So it’s managing that amygdala, it’s managing the mistaken thoughts, the mistaken beliefs that prevent us from doing the things we’ve always wanted to how many of us have been told by either our abuser or somebody else? Oh, no, you can’t do that. Oh, no, you’re not talented enough to do that. Oh, no, you can’t do that to the baba, baba, baba. And if we believe them, we don’t do that. Well, that’s their whole goal. That’s their whole goal. I cannot tell you the number of nasty abusive people that were angry as hell at me for writing that first book. How dare you publish that book? How dare you give a tell all How dare you How dare you? How dare you and I was like narcissist, abuser. Oh, boy. I don’t know what you got to get the hell away from me. Do you see where I’m going with that? If I had listened to those naysayers, I never would have published I never would have done what I’m doing. I never would have traveled I never would have fill in the blank.

So really, it’s a matter of figuring out what do you want? What do you want? What do you want? Seriously? What have you always wanted to do that you couldn’t do because you were always told no. Or that Oh, no, you can’t do that. You don’t have the talent. You know what I tell people try everything. Life is a buffet. Life is a damn buffet. It’s like Go into the Bellagio. It’s a damn buffet, you take a little of everything, figure out what you like, and then go back for seconds. Seriously! Why the hell not? You know? So, these people are so interested in keeping us down and keeping us on what’s the word I’m looking for unfulfilled, but also not reaching our full potential. I challenge all of you write out what you want. What do you want to be doing? What have you always been afraid to do? But you’ve always wanted to do? Go do it. Write out the fears. What’s your damage report? What’s your fear? What’s what is it? What do you think’s going to happen? Talk to people who have done that. So, for a while, I was thinking about maybe doing skydiving and then I talked myself out of it. But you know, because I talked to other people. And some of them were like, Oh, it’s great. It’d be like, Oh, hell no. And I’m like, I’m on the hell, no sign.

Kris Godinez  20:47

But if you want to go to skydiving, talk to people that have done it, both sides, get your DC run, go on without, if you want to write a book, talk to authors. I have people talking to me all the time about well, okay, well, how did you do this? And how did you do that?

In fact, I had a really good conversation online with a person who is thinking about writing a book. And they were like, Well, how did you get to the point where you could write this tell-all and not be afraid? And I’m like, Well, no, it’s kind of like the Hulk. You know, my secret is I’m always angry when my secret was writing. I was always fearful. To be perfectly honest, because of all of the naysayers and all of the nasty people and trolls and all of that stuff. Until I realized, you know what, what they think of me is none of my business. They can suck it. As far as I’m concerned. I’m going to I’m gonna go do me, y’all do you? You know what I’m saying? So, it’s self-esteem. It is self-esteem. It is working on your self-esteem and your boundaries and knowing who you are rock solid, like sun comes up in the East sets in the west. Do you see where I’m going with that? This is why getting with a good trauma therapist is vital. Because you’ve got to get rid of all of those mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs, all of that rhetoric and that BS, quite frankly, about who you are and what you can do. Y’all just decide what you want to do and go for it. I’m serious. And even if it doesn’t work out, oh, well, what a great ride. What’s next? You know what I’m saying?

It’s like sometimes, this is something else that abusers do. They get it into their kids heads that Oh, you’re going to be a baseball star. I see this a lot. You’re going to be an athlete, you’re going to get your college paid for by being an athlete. Well, then the kid goes and tries out and is not that good. And then decides they’re not good at anything. That’s something that abusers do to their kids. So, here’s the thing if the kid isn’t good at one thing, okay, great. What is your strength but abusers don’t want that. Abusers don’t want that they want a square peg in a round hole. And then they will beat the kid up for not being a square, you know, a round peg that fits into that hole. So, do you see where I’m going with that? So I think a lot of us got that. Got that mistaken thoughts, mistaken belief that oh my gosh, like I you know, they want me to do this. So, I need to do that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And if whatever you’re trying doesn’t work, do something else. You know, it’s flexible. I’m dating myself here but back in the day there was this character on TV Gumby and it was made out of clay and it was flexible and it can move whichever way it needed to be flexible, like Gumby Don’t be rigid like the abusers the abusers are rigid.

Okay, getting back to the article goals because we’re running out of time. Okay. So certain amount of fear is healthy in that okay, is this a real danger? Yes, it is. Okay, what can I do to mitigate it? Ah, okay. This is what I can do. So that a part is healthy. When it becomes obsessive when it becomes irrational, overthinking, that’s when it’s not healthy. And that’s when you need a therapist to really help you put those fears back to the people it belongs CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. Listen to me now believe me later. Get it, work it do it. The self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi beginning to end Don’t skip around. It drives me crazy when people are like, well, I don’t want to do this part. So I’m just going to skip around. I’m like, well, then you’re going to get exactly what you’re putting into it. So don’t skip around. So there is that okay.

Fear comes in many shades. It can range from mild to paralyzing. Anticipation is a part of fear. So we imagine oh, what’s going to happen if this happens, what’s going to happen if that happens? And that’s when you kind of have to be like, Look, I’m not going to live in what if what if is a future that has not and probably will not happen? We’d love to do disaster reports. So, you do your you give yourself permission to do a disaster report once. Once. Here’s the disaster report. Here’s the most horrible things that can happen. Okay, what can I do to mitigate it? Okay, you write it out. What can I do to mitigate and you figure out what you can do? All right brain, okay. Inner Critic. That’s it. No more. I’ve written it out. I know what to do in case X, Y and Z happens. We’re done. Have a nice life. Buh bye. Go pound sand. And you just keep doing the thought stopping. Thank you fear. I hear you. I see, you know, I’m not playing. I’m not living in a future that has not happened. Oh, isn’t that interesting?

Kris Godinez  25:19

That thought belongs to my dad. Who that thought belongs to my mom. Ooh, that thought is my ex. Ooh, that thought is fill in the blank. I’m not playing I’m sending it back by like a dandelion off in the wind Sia, buh bye. Do you see where I’m going with that? So that’s what you want to do. Okay.

Fear is partly learned apps of freakin loosely. So when I was much younger, I was terrified of flying. Why? Because my mother was. And I learned by watching her. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I was able to be like, this not my fear. I actually like flying. I actually like doing, you know, traveling and going to places and you know, seeing new people and things like that. And it is really, that was my mom, it was absolutely my mom. So, she was the one that made me afraid of flying. And so, I finally had to sit down and go, am I really afraid of flying? And the answer to that is no. Now do I like turbulence? No, no, thank you. I’m not a fan of it. But I also know that it’s not going to kill me. So, you know, you have to really work out what is your fear? And what is somebody else’s fear? And what you can do with it is send it back to them. So, like I said, I’m not afraid of flying. Not really, I thought I was but I’m not. And I do get nervous with turbulence. But then I have to remind myself, well, you know, turbulence happens, and turbulence is not going to kill you. What’s going to kill you is pilot error. So, which is always a possibility, but you kind of got to go, Okay, do they really want to die? Probably not. Although there have been a few cases, but you know, and then it’s kind of like, well, am I afraid of dying? No. Okay, well, then what’s the problem? Do you see where I’m going with that? You have to kind of like, logic it out. You know, it’s like, okay, well enjoy the plane, ride It’s fine. So there it is. Okay, so it’s a learned thing. So you learn by watching your people around you.

You don’t need to be in danger to be scared, you can create the thought in your head. Like I said, if you imagine you’re in a bank, and it’s being robbed, your heart’s going to start pounding, and you’re going to start feeling threatened, because our thoughts are powerful. That’s why thought stopping is so important. The more scared you feel, the scarier things will seem. And that is exactly what abusers want. They want us in a heightened state of fear all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time. Because we’re overthinking and we’re up here. And we’re doing that. We don’t have time to take care of ourselves. We don’t have time to breathe, we don’t have time to take care of the kids, we don’t have time to figure out that they’re the problem. Do you see where I’m going with that and they enjoy it.

They How many of you, I’d be willing to bet had an abuser that would say or do something that they knew was going to upset you. And then they would sit back and smirk when you had the reaction of fear. My dad would do that all the time he loved terrifying us, he would put us in the car and do play chicken, you know? And then he would just smirk because he was so happy and pleased with himself that we were terrified, you know, shrieking and fear that we were going to die. So, they are sadists, let’s be clear about that they are absolute sadists. So, fear dictates the actions that you will take, you know, fight flight freeze or fawn. So, you know, there’s a reason we do what we do. And it’s probably based off of how the abuser responded when you had that reaction. So, a lot of us are fawners, or freezers. Me I’m a fighter. That’s why I got the crap beaten out of me by my dad, because I wouldn’t put up with this stuff. So um, yeah, there’s that how are we doing on time? I’m going over again. Okay, I will hurry with this. Okay, the more real the threat, the more heroic your actions. Usually not always.

Okay, and then this next one is conquering fear. Make the fear productive, make the fear work for you. You don’t work for the fear. The fear works for you. Seriously, it’s a bully. It is it’s a bully, and it’s there to keep you from doing your life. It’s there to keep you from becoming an individual. It’s there to keep you from being better than the abusers, think about it. Abusers don’t ever want their children to succeed unless it makes them look good. And when they do succeed, even though it makes them look good. They’ll still try to take it away from them. They’ll still try to own it. They get very angry when people do better than them. They really truly do. So, there is that make the fear productive. We’re hardwired to feel fear that immediate Fear of flood can propel us to take action to keep us safe. The challenge is to interpret those fearful feelings in ways that are useful. You honor the power of fear to keep you away from danger, and protect us from reckless behavior.

Kris Godinez  30:13

But you must also decide what is this trying to stop? Who’s trying to stop me from doing this? Where Who is this coming from? What do I really need to be doing?

So as soon as my mom or my dad told me not to do something, I would immediately go do it. And I always enjoyed myself, it was, you know, and it was things such as succeeding, it was things such as, you know, getting my master’s degree, it was things such as do you see where I’m going with that. Okay. Recognize, okay, maximize productive fear. So, here’s the challenge is to master difficult tests. So, a lot of times we have this Oh, I can’t do it. Oh, I’m fearful. I’m going to fail. Well, okay. So what? So, you fail. You either try again, or you do something different? Seriously, nobody except a jerk is going to judge you. And if they judge you, they’re a jerk. They’ve shown you who they are, believe them the first time kick them to the curb. serious as a heart attack. I I’ll tell you what, when people are like snarky, and like, oh, well, that didn’t work out did it? And I’m like, nope. And now I’m going to try this, you know? Is it you know what I’m saying? Because it’s like, Look, if you think you can do better than me, I invite you to do so. Go to. Help as many people as you can. Oh, that’s not your real goal. Oh, you’re just there to be a jerk. Okay, go pound sand have a nice like, Do you see where I’m going with that? There’s always going to be people that want to piss on your campfire. Don’t let them don’t let them get close to the campfire. Don’t. Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on, we’re still okay.

Recognize manufactured fear. It’s the kind of fear that is designed to manipulate us. That’s what I’m talking about. Fear is a powerful trigger, and can be purposely used to push us emotionally. This negative fear that promotes someone else’s agenda, not ours. That’s why you must separate it out. Is this my fear? Is this somebody else’s fear? And if it’s somebody else’s fear, what’s their agenda? What are they looking to get out of it? How are they looking to control me? What’s the deal? Okay, um, learn about the things that you fear. So, in flying, what I did is I went and started taking flying lessons, because I needed to understand how plane stayed up in the damn air. And also to understand that turbulence will not kill you. So, you know, it’s a pilot error. But you see where I’m going with that. And so I learned as much as I could about it. And then it was like, oh, okay, I understand. So, for example, when I was flying up to Sacramento, I was seated next to a young adult. And she was terrified. I mean, poor thing was hyperventilating, the whole thing. I was like, breathe. Let me talk you through that she’s like, but I don’t understand how does the plane stay up. So I had to explain to her how the airflow goes over the wing to lift the plane and the whole thing, what the noises meant, and you know, all of this stuff. So you know, and then once she understood, she was like, oh, and I said, See, it’s really a lovely way to travel. And she was like, Oh, okay. And I’m like, my job is done here. So, you know, understanding the thing you’re afraid of, really does help because it helps you kind of feel in control in a way, you know, and or at least understand what’s going on. Okay. Yes, we are going to get to questions. I’m sorry, I have gone way over. So that is one way to help let go of the fears. All right. Let’s get to the questions.

Do narcs get angry when you want independence? Yes, absolutely. And make your own life because they want to keep infantilizing you. Yes, absolutely. So that they have more power over you. Yes. That is exactly what they do. They are terrified of their target of abuse leaving, you know, and finding themselves and recognizing that they’re Cucoo for Cocoa Puffs and nobody wants to be around them. It seems they are afraid of independency Yes, absolutely. 110%. Yeah, absolutely.

So when I was separating from mom and dad, mostly my mom on this one dad could care less dad was like, you know, you’re 18 I don’t want to take care of you.

Kris Godinez  34:27

I don’t want to pay for you. I don’t want to do anything. And I’m like, good because I’m working and you don’t have to. But my mom was having a fit. She would obsessively call. And you know, she tried to not let me have control over my own bank account. And she tried to manipulate and control on the whole thing. And I just kept taking the power away from her. I was like, Fine, I’ve opened up a bank account on my own. You don’t have control over it bye, you know, and yes, they are terrified of losing control, because they’re out of control themselves. they want to control somebody else, the more out of control somebody else is, the more they try to control people around them. So, if they don’t have control themselves over themselves, they’ll try to control other people around them because it makes them it gives them the illusion of being in control, and it gives them the illusion of having power. So, yes, they do infantilize their children.

They do infantilize even their spouses. Oh, my God. So, what I’ve seen abusers do is, oh, you know, my wife, or my husband is such a child, you know, but in a nasty way. Not like, oh, their child, like, you know, they’re, there’s such a child, you know, they can’t do anything for themselves. I have to do it all for them. I’m like, No, actually, you don’t, you know, and they probably be better off if you allow them to do things themselves. But um, yeah, they absolutely seek to infantilize their targets because they don’t want to lose control. What better way to keep a child never growing up and to keep telling them that they’re not mature enough and that they can’t do it on their own. The whole goal of being a parent is, here’s this tool. Here’s this tool. Let me show you how to use it. Okay, we’re using this. We’re doing that. Okay. You got it. Okay. Do it on your own. Great. You got it. I’m here if you need me, I’m right behind you. Good. That’s what a good parent does. Bad parents are the ones that are like, oh, you can’t do that. Let me do it. Your let me do it myself. I’m not even going to show you. I’m just going to do it. You’re not You’re it’s not good enough. Oh, my God, I hate parents like that. Anyway, so yeah, they absolutely do that. Okay, let’s go to the next question. So yes, they absolutely do not want anybody being independent, which is why it is so vital for all of us, you know, survivors of abuse, those just leaving those left, find yourself, get independent, become an individual. That is the best screw you can give to your abusers absofreakinglutely.

So it’s kind of like, my dad’s biggest thing. And I know I’ve talked about this before. My dad’s biggest thing with me was always Oh, you’re the cute one. You’re the key. You’re not smart. You’re the cute one. You’ll never amount to anything. You need to find a man and go get married and let them take care of you. And I’m sitting here going, oh, yeah, cuz that worked out so well for you and mom. Yeah, no. So, and it’s like, he wanted me to never be independent to never get my degree, let alone my master’s degree. He interfered in me going to college. So, he kept, you know, insisting that I go to beautician school because I wasn’t smart enough to get a degree. So, I did what he wanted. I went to cosmetology school, I got my license. And then I went right back to college and finished my degree, but then he told everybody how stupid I was because it took me five years to finish instead of four never mentioning, of course, that he was the one that drug me off course. So then when I went to go get my master’s degree, I told nobody, John and I were the only two that knew I was getting my master’s degree. I was not going to share that with my family. Are you kidding me? And I didn’t tell anybody. I didn’t tell my mom until the day I graduated. I was like, Hey, I just want to let you know, I’m graduating and getting my master’s degree, you know, because I didn’t want anybody interfering with that, you know. Now, was that a real fear? Well, yeah, because my father had interfered before. By that time, my dad was dead. But my mom could still be pretty snarky.

Kris Godinez  38:17

So, um,you know what I’m saying? So, yeah, so yes, they do. They interfere with us becoming independent or successful.

And there was a part of my mom that was incredibly proud of me for breaking out of that whole thing. But there was another part of her that was very jealous, you know, because I did what she couldn’t. So yeah, they absolutely don’t want us to be successful. They don’t, they don’t want us to be happy. They don’t want us to be fulfilled. They don’t want us to be an individual. They don’t want us. You know, and this is something else, you know, you guys know, I love to swear, and I can’t swear because I have a sponsor now. But I love to swear that that MF is my favorite word ever on the face of the planet, this or any other planet Earth. And every time I swore both of them would try to keep me from swearing and I’m like, I’m not you. But they wanted me to be them. Remember, they can’t handle anybody that is not a mini me. So yeah, it’s really important. Find your voice if your voice is full of swear words. So be it! you know if you’re a poet, so be it if you are, you know, a train conductor. So be it if you’re being happy. Fantastic. That is the best way to give the screw you to those people do what makes you happy! Do what you’ve always wanted to do. So there we go. Hold on more questions.

How do I trust myself and not let others change my thoughts and ideas? I have no confidence because they always put me down first of all, you get the hell away from those people serious as a heart attack. Get away from them. If you’re around a bunch of naysayers, kick them to the curb, because you can not soar with the Eagles if you’re hanging out with the turkeys. Okay? So, listen to me now. Believe me later. Get rid of those people if they’re always putting you down and always giving you bad advice Nope. Bye bye now bye bye no thank you go hang out with healthy people. So the way to start trusting yourself now the head in the heart will tell stories these two are just like a little bit this that and the other thing bla bla bla the gut is a simple yes or no answer to it yes or no question. And you get to the gut through self-esteem self-esteem workbook Glen Schiraldi work it front to back several times. The other thing you’re going to want to do is get the disease to please by Harriet breaker CPTSD, from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. All of those books are going to help you find yourself because it’s all about putting it back on the BS back onto the abusers because not yours in the first place. So you want to get rid of that stuff. You want to get rid of the people that are naysayers, and you want to get good advice. You don’t this is the thing that kills me. You don’t go get relationship advice from somebody who has been in a horrible relationship and has been married 12 times. You know, it just it amazes me when people IM me, and they’re like, Oh, well, I’m seeing this marriage counselor, but she’s been married five or six times. I’m like, stop, just go find somebody else because this person doesn’t know what they’re doing clearly. So do you see where I’m going with that? So anyway, all right. Get with a good a good, good, good. Hello, good therapist, start working on your self-esteem. Start working on your certainty. Certainty. That is what they take away from us is our certainty will now really, do you really think that is that really what you? That’s what they do? They’re gaslighting. They’re gaslighting. They’re rewriting history. They’re causing us to second guess ourselves. They’re causing us to doubt ourselves. I really want you to work on self-esteem. I really want you to do mirror work. Hi. Good to see you. Have a great day. You know what it is okay for you to get out of your comfort zone and go over here to try something new. It’s okay. Are you going to be afraid? Yep. You betcha. And you know what, that’s okay, too. Hi, good to see you have a great day. It’s okay for me to be certain. I know what I know. And I know that I know it. And I’m not going to let somebody else talk me out of what I know that I know. Down here. Gut Hello. So, you do the mirror work you get with a good therapist. You start working with self-esteem workbooks and you kick those people to the curb. They don’t need to be in your life get they’re always putting you down. No, thank you. No,

Kris Godinez  42:25

I don’t allow nasty people in my life. I simply do not. And it doesn’t matter whether they’re family, or whether they’re friends or whether they’re strangers or whatever. I don’t put up with it. So, there that is.

What does it mean? When I feel as if I’m always waiting for something, but don’t know what it is? I think we get that. And a lot of us have that. You know, it’s like this. I’m waiting for something waiting for something. So you know, and let me know if I’m on the right track here because I could be totally wrong, because I’m not entirely sure because that’s just a little snippet, but I’ll try to answer the best I can. I think in part, we get this. You can’t do it on your own. Right. So going back to the infantilization my mom was always like, well, you can’t do it. Unless you know my sounds on I will be turning the sound off. There we go. You can’t do it. Unless a man does it with you. That was that was a big thing. Well, you can go to Europe, but you have to go with a guy. Why? I don’t want to travel with a guy really? You know, I’ve no thank you. So, her big thing was it. There had to be a man there had to be a man and I don’t know what her damage was honestly that her thinking that you know, I had to have a man, you know, give his blessing in order for me to do anything. And I’m just like, yeah, that’s not the way it works. So um, they very much have some weird ideas. What was the question? I’m sorry.

Kris Godinez  43:57

Uh, waiting for something so we get this whole No, you can’t do it unless you have permission. No, you can’t do it. Unless a guy is there with you. No, you can’t do it. Unless you know, knight in shining armor is going to come and rescue No, we are our own knights in in shining armor. We are. We are the only ones that can save us guys. We are the only ones that can save us. And it pretty much makes it our job to love ourselves to like ourselves enough to get the hell away from those bozos and not allow them to continue to harm us. There is no knight in shining armor. There isn’t, you know, and people are like, Oh, you’re so lucky. You have John and I’m like, John and I found each other because we both did the work. You know, we knew who we were we knew what we wanted before we got together you know what I’m saying? So, it you got to do work. There’s no easy button. There is no we’ll just skip this part. No, you got to do the work guys. You got to do the work and put the stuff back on the abusers.

So okay, I hope so. So, something stop waiting, there is no time like now seriously like, in fact, this is the only moment we have we do not have a future. The future is a fantasy. It doesn’t exist, it is moment to moment. The past is gone. So the Now is the perfect time to stop waiting for the perfect person the perfect time. The perfect is the perfect that if I had waited for the perfect time to do my book, I never would have written it or any of my books, I never would have written them. So, the perfect time is right the hell now. Now you know what I’m saying? So stop waiting, stop waiting for some magic time. Stop waiting for some person, stop waiting for some event, stop waiting. If you want to go do something, go do it. You know, it’s the best way to do I mean, it’s the same thing. Like when I wrote my books or when I did you know, when I traveled through Europe when I backpacked through Europe, it’s like, okay, well, Chernobyl had just happened and things were in an uproar and well, I’m going anyway. You know, so you just you take the bull by the horns, you wrench its neck, you tan its hide, you eat its meat, you use its bones for soup, and you do it, you just do it. Alright, hold on, let’s see.

How can I know whether the big life dreams projects I have are my own, or our reaction to the fears implanted by me by my abusers? That is a really good question. So, you’re going to journal you’re going to get with a good trauma therapist, and you’re going to sort it out. Seriously. So, my dad, he wanted me to fail. And I basically was like, that’s not happening. You know, my sisters, he wanted them all to be like ivy league, you know, successful doctors, etc, etc, etc. Some of them did. Some of them didn’t, some of them went into business, you know, that whole thing. And it was kind of like figuring out what they wanted, not what dad wanted. You know what I’m saying? So, it’s really a matter of sitting down and going, Is this really my life goal? Is this really what I want? Is this really me? Or is this mom and dad, you know, get with a good trauma therapist, start sorting it out and work on your self-esteem. Again, self-esteem is the key. If you like yourself, you will trust yourself. And if you trust yourself, you know, yourself. I know. Yeah, so that’s what you want to be doing. Okay, um, how are we doing on time? Oh, not bad.

Could you please recommend a book on learning how to make proper eye contact. I think a lot of my problem in social situations stem from me not being able to hold someone’s gaze. Okay, so eye contact, I don’t have a problem with that I never have. So, eye contact can be practiced in the mirror. Like, I’m not kidding you. Like, hi, good to see you have a great day, you know what it’s okay to maintain eye contact. You know, and you practice it, you practice it, you practice it. Um, some things that people do as a trick is instead of looking in the eyes, you look at the middle of the nose. And it looks like you’re looking him in the eyes. So, eye contact can be tricky. And in some cultures, it’s not okay, so I just want to be perfectly clear about that. So, it depends on who your audience is. So, in some cultures, eye contact is considered a sign of disrespect. So, and especially in Arizona, in some of the Native American tribes, you got to be you know, cognizant of that. So, um, so yeah, so I would say again, get with a good trauma therapist work on that. What is the, what is the fear? What is the fear? You know, what is keeping you from making eye contact? What causes you to look away? Did I skip a question? Ah, let’s see independence.

Kris Godinez  48:55

Changing thoughts waiting for someone? Big life prob the. Yeah, I answered that one. How do I how can I know if the big life projects are my own or somebody else’s? Yeah, that’s those are I’ve answered all of them.

Okay, at age 63, how do I finally figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life and set goals? I’m not afraid, but I finally got to a point of taking care of me. Well, good for you. So, you go in do you do you try new things? You know, it drives me crazy when people go, Oh, I’m too old. No, you’re not. If you can get around and you’re breathing and your heart is beating yet. It’s not too late. It’s not too late. Go try new things. Go do new things. I didn’t learn how to surf until I was in my 40s I freaking love surfing. I didn’t learn how to do paddleboard until I was in my 50s I love freaking paddleboarding. You know, it’s like you try new things you go do stuff that you’ve never tried before. Again, life is a buffet it is the Bellagio go try. Take a little from here a little from there, that one I didn’t like so much won’t go back for that. But I think I like that. So, we’ll go back for that. So that’s what you want to do and you write it out. It’s like what’s a priority for you? Now a priority for me is traveling clearly, I love love, love traveling, I love going to new places. I love meeting new people love doing all of that. So, it’s really important to, you know, prioritize what are you what’s important to you? All right, um, and setting goals. It’s like, Okay, what’s your what’s your main important thing that you want to accomplish? If it’s traveling, make that your priority. If it’s starting a business, make that your priority. So, sit down and have a come to Jesus with yourself basically, and figure out what it is you want to do. And give yourself permission to do it. Hey, good to see you have a great day. You know what? It’s okay for me to try new things. Seriously, mirror work, guys. I’m not kidding you. It really does help.

Okay, um, how do you stop caring about the smear campaign? Knowing It’s all lies? It’s a struggle not to be pissed off. Oh, okay. So, the abusers want you to be angry. They want to live rent free up in your head. 24/7. They do not ever want to leave. So, the smear campaign what other people think of us is none of our business seriously, people who are willing to believe the worst of us don’t deserve the best of us. Let me say that, again. People who are willing to believe the worst of us don’t deserve the best of us. If people are willing to believe the smear campaign, they are not your friends. They are not your friends or your family. Really family is who you make it. So, if these people are believing the smear campaign, okay, they’ve shown you who they are. Thank you for playing. Have a nice life. Bye bye. Bye bye now. Buh bye. And you’ll let them go. As far as being pissed off. Is it fair? No, it’s not. And you can’t do anything about it. So again, it’s acceptance. It’s acceptance. It’s like they’re going to do the smear campaign. sun’s gonna come up in the East they’re gonna smear. Oh, well, you know, people who are willing to believe the worst of you don’t deserve the best of you. They’re not your friends. Let them go. And get with a good trauma therapist and work on that anger. So write and burn a letter Dear abuser bleeped the bleep bleep bleep out of bleeping BLEEP you How dare you get out of my head. You don’t get to live up here rent free anymore. I don’t care what you say about me go pound sand, whatever you need to say, trot it out to the barbecue, read it out loud once burn it, let it go. You can’t control them. They’re gonna be jerks, and you can’t make them stop. You know, and it is what it is. And thankfully, you’re finding out who’s real and who’s not. And Is it painful? Yeah, that’s why a good therapist would help. Because there’s a lot of betrayal. There’s a lot of betrayal. There’s a lot of sadness. There’s a lot of grieving, there’s a lot of realizing who was your friend and who wasn’t your friend. Okay, I think this next one is going to be our last question.

I noticed that survivors from these types of families can be very duplicitous and have problems keeping friends. Is this because they have not got relationship skills? Yeah, yeah, it’s you know, relationship skills require intimacy and honesty, and how intimate or honest are abusers? They’re not. So it really behooves you to get with a good trauma therapist and start working on self-esteem and boundaries.

Kris Godinez  53:36

So self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, the disease to please Harry breaker  CPTSD from surviving to thriving. As you start trusting yourself more, you will start making more friends you will because you’ll be authentic and real and honest and you. So that’s why becoming an individual is so important. Go make your own friends that are healthy. Seriously, that’s how your picker gets fixed is by fixing the self-esteem, fixing the boundaries, fixing all of that. All right, my love’s you guys have a great week and I will talk to you well, I’ll be doing a video on Wednesday and I will talk to you next Sunday. All right, my love’s talk to you later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.

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