Audio Transcript

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

So I would like to start doing a current events kind of little thing in the beginning here because people have been asking me to comment on stuff and I can’t get general with things like for example, when the Johnny Depp Amber Heard things going on, they’re like, you know, give a diagnosis. I’m like, I can’t guys, they’re not in front of me. But I can talk in generalities. So this is my first one. So here we go.

This country has got a problem with violence, there is no two ways about it. Domestic violence, interpersonal partner violence, we’ve got a problem with violence. an abuser is going to do whatever they can to harm the target of abuse. Okay. We’ve had a whole bunch of shootings recently in this country. And in Japan, we had the ex-Prime Minister gunned down by an assailant. In Japan, the gun laws are way different than here. You can’t just run out and buy a gun like we can here. Guns are not the problems, guys. It’s not the weapons that are the problems. Every single person who has harmed somebody in one of these mass shootings, homemade guns, knife attacks, machete attacks that we’ve had in the past that Japan has had in the past as well. Every single last person had had some sort of mental illness that was ignored.

This is the problem when we have domestic violence happen in our country, people tend to go up Yeah, Nope, don’t see it. Nope, don’t want to talk. It’s uncomfortable. Oh, don’t want to deal with it. When there’s mental health issues, what do they do? Nope, don’t want to deal with it don’t want to. If we do not address the problem, it is still going to exist. So remember, it’s just like how I talk about if you shove issues underneath the carpet, all it’s going to do is give you a lumpy carpet and make it really difficult to clean up. This is what is happening with these mass shootings with these mass knife attacks with these mass machete attacks with these homemade gun things. The shooter in Uvalde people ignored the fact that this kid had mental health issues. The shooter in the July 4, one, the family was denying that there was any problem because remember, dysfunctional families. And remember, I’m talking generalities here. dysfunctional families do not want health, mental health people involved because their secrets will come out. And they don’t want their kids getting mental health because the secrets will come out. And they don’t want their kids being diagnosed because oh my god, if that kid has now got a mental health diagnosis, I’m not perfect. So, they care more about their ego than they do about the safety of their child or the safety of the community at large.

So, what can we do? We can demand reform we can because in the past they would warehouse Well, that didn’t work clearly, because then there was huge abuses that went on when they warehouse people. So, what we need to do is demand mental health services, we do. We need to demand that people stop ignoring domestic violence and by the way, the dad of the guy in Highland Park apparently had a whole bunch police calls for domestic violence against him. Oh, what a surprise. So we need to, as a country, as a group of people, we need to stand up and say Okay, enough of this ignoring the problem. This is real. This is here. We need to deal with it. If you start dealing with the mental health issues, you will see less events like Highland Park like Parkland like Uvalde. Like do you see where I’m going with that? And screening but here’s the problem. The problem is parents. The problem is the parents who go up No, no, I don’t see the pink elephant taking a dump in the corner of the living room. Oh no, there’s no problem.

Kris Godinez  04:59

There Signs guys, these guys don’t all of a sudden one day pop. There’s signs and it doesn’t take a mental health person to recognize those signs. But what it does take is a parent who’s awake, and who’s looking and engaged and involved in their child’s life. Abusers aren’t, abusers don’t care, they just want the kid to go away, entertain yourself, whatever, I don’t want to deal with it. So, sorry that I just had to get that out. Because that just, again, it’s not the, it’s not the, it’s not the weapon, healthy, normal. People don’t look for a weapon to kill somebody with. Healthy, balanced, normal people that are not disordered, don’t seek to kill other people. They don’t, the guy in Japan made his own gun, he was determined he was going to kill this guy, no matter what. That’s a mental health issue that is not on any scale of normal to seek out to kill somebody, or to seek out to kill kids or to seek out to deceive and go on with that it is a mental health crisis in this country that is boiling over.

There was another shooting last night. And I think it was Charlotte, at a comedy club. Hello, there is something seriously wrong here. And for society, and individuals to ignore it is to give permission for it to continue. So again, write senators, write the president, write whoever you need to, but you need to write and you need to get involved. And we need to get the mental health stuff going in this country, because there is a lot of disordered, a lot of disordered people out there. And it is 35 to 45%. So, it needs to be handled. And these types of incidents need to be stopped cold, because I don’t want to see another person, another child shot down in cold blood, knifed in cold blood, macheted in cold blood, you know, because this person could have gotten the help they needed. Or they could have been on the radar so that somebody could have been, you know, monitoring them, they could have had a social worker they could have I mean, do you see where I’m going with that? So there is that. So I’m going to start doing my little public service announcements in the beginning. So there we go.

All right. So because of all the stuff that’s been going on, almost everybody’s freaked out. Myself included. John, we have had long conversations about that this week. So, when we are being abused, we lose touch with ourselves completely. Like we’ve completely lose touch with who we are, I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve had clients come in, sit on the couch in a fog, like crazy. They couldn’t tell me what they liked to eat. They couldn’t tell me what their favorite color was because the abuser had gotten into their heads, and literally scrambled it like eggs, and basically told them who they were, what they liked, what they wanted, where they were going, etc, etc, etc.

So when we come out of an abusive relationship, we have lost touch with ourselves, and we’ve got PTSD like nobody’s business, CPTSD, like nobody’s business. One of the hallmarks of PTSD is not remembering. another hallmark of it is we tend to dissociate, if it’s too much we check out and we float outside of our bodies, and we’re not even present. So, when we come out of an abusive relationship, our job is to heal ourselves. We’ve been spending years trying to heal the abuser, it ain’t going to happen. They first of all, they don’t think anything’s wrong with them. And second of all, they don’t want to be fixed. They don’t want to be healthy. They don’t. The main abusers don’t want to be healthy, you know, the kids, maybe if they get help, but you know what I’m saying. So it’s like, they don’t want to be fixed. They don’t want to be healthy. We have spent all of this time in codependency, looking outwards, healing everybody if they’re okay, I’m okay. Well, now, take a deep breath, it’s time for you to be okay. So that you are okay.

Kris Godinez  09:03

So, reconnecting with yourself is a process. First of all, it’s getting out of the abusive relationship, you cannot reconnect with yourself if you are stuck in that relationship because the abuser is going to undo anything you are working on. If you are working on self-esteem, they’re going to keep eroding it, they’re going to keep trying to rip the carpet out from underneath you. They’re going to keep gaslighting you they’re going to keep lying to you. So, reconnecting with yourself, you can do a little bit of that work while you’re still in the relationship but the majority of it has to be when you are gone from them so that they cannot come in and chisel away at it because that’s what they do. So once you get out of the abusive relationship, you’re going to start working on the Self-Esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. You’re going to start doing The Disease To Please by Harriet Braiker you’re going to do CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. You’re going to do all of these books seriously and more. There’s like I said, I have it pinned to the top of my page on Facebook. So you’re going to start working on yourself. And one of the ways that we can start reconnecting with ourselves is through meditation.

Now, one of the things that people have told me over and over and over and over again, is they don’t sleep. And that also is a hallmark of CPTSD, PTSD. So, when we are in an abusive relationship, the abusers wake us up, they will slam doors, they’ll, you know, rattle pots and pans around, they’ll flip on lights, they need us to be sleep deprived, okay? And they usually start arguments. And so, they start arguments after we’ve gone to bed. So, we are constantly on a state of hyper alert, hyper alert, where’s the next danger? Where’s this? Where’s that? Even when we are trying to go to sleep, especially if we’ve had years of the abuser coming in waking us up, etc, etc, etc. So, a lot of clients recently that I’ve been talking to have been telling me oh, I’m taking sleep aids, oh, I’m taking melatonin. Okay, I would really prefer that you try to wean yourself off of that stuff. If you can do it naturally, that would be the best if you can’t, under a doctor’s supervision, because some of those sleep aids are incredibly addictive. So be very careful.

So okay, let’s talk about sleep, and meditation. So breathing is what calms down the amygdala. So remember, the amygdala is the little almond shaped organ that sits about an inch inside of each ear. When this little guy perceives a threat, it tells the hippocampus, hypothalamus to release all the cortisol. Cortisol is our stress hormone. So even though we’re not going into a panic attack, per se, at night, oftentimes, we’re tense we’re listening. What was that noise? What was happening? Is my phone off is everything. Okay? You know, we’re tense, we’re constantly on this high alert, that is part of PTSD, CPTSD, it’s that you know, up Periscope, looking, looking, looking looking. And even if we’re sleeping, there’s still a part of our brain that is like listening and on alert and waiting, just waiting. Because for how many years did our abuser, start throwing things, start an argument at two o’clock in the morning, wake us up, not allow us to sleep, keep us sleep deprived, etc.

So, this meditation that I’m going to teach you right now is a helping you to relax and to sleep meditation. So, the best way to short circuit the amygdala when it starts doing that, Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, and releasing cortisol is to get oxygen into the system. So, what you’re going to do is when you’re laying there in bed, you’re going to do this meditation. So you’re going to take a deep breath in, and as you take the deep breath in, you’re going to tighten your toes, just your toes, not your feet, not your calves, just your toes. You’re going to let the air out and as you do, you’re going to relax your toes, and you’re going to tell yourself, I’m safe. I’m okay. Everything’s fine. Nothing can hurt me. The doors are locked. I’m good. On your next breath in, you’re going to tighten your feet, not the toes, not the calves. So just the feet. Take a deep breath in, let it out. I’m safe. I’m okay. Everything’s fine. doors are locked. I’m good. Next breath, then you’re going to tighten the calves, not the feet or the toes. So, you’re going to tighten the calves. I’m safe. I’m okay. Everything’s fine. You’re letting it out. You’re relaxing the muscle. Then you’re going to move up to your thighs, so not your calves, just your thighs.

Kris Godinez  13:40

Nothing else is tight. I’m safe. I’m okay. With that one’s kind of hard to do, because you get your glutes involved in that one. I’m safe. I’m okay. Everything’s fine. I’m okay. Relax, then you’re going to get your glutes involved in try not to get the thighs involved.

So, this is a little bit like, you know, patting your head and rubbing your stomach kind of thing. So, what you’re doing is and the reason we’re doing this is when we’re laying in bed, and we’re staring up at the ceiling and we’re going oh my god, oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god, this that and the other thing I should have done that! I could have done that! I would have done that! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You got to give your brain something else to think about. So, if you’re focusing in on just this muscle, not that muscle and not that muscle, the brain is going to have to let go of whatever else it was thinking about and focus in on Oh, okay. I’m doing the glutes but not the thighs. Okay, and I’m breathing in. Safe, I’m okay. Everything’s fine. Then you’re going to move up to your stomach because you’re going to tighten your stomach. Nothing else, not the chest, not the arms, not the face, not the head. Safe. I’m okay. Everything’s fine. Then you’re going to move up to your chest. Tighten your chest, not the stomach. Everything’s fine. I’m safe. I’m okay. And then you’re going to do your arms, tighten the arms but not vehemence so you tighten your arms. I’m safe, I’m okay. Everything’s fine. Let it go. Then you’re going to tighten your hands, but not your arms. So, tighten the hands, not the arms, take a deep breath. Let it out, release. I’m safe. I’m okay. Everything’s fine. Now we’re going to move up to our neck, you’re going to tighten up the neck. I’m safe, I’m okay. Everything’s fine. Then you’re going to do your face. I’m safe. I’m okay, everything’s fine. So, and then you’re going to work your way back down.

So, my suggestion would be is, if after you have done this slowly, no, I did this in a much quicker way than you would normally do it because I’m trying to get it out and show you guys. If after you guys have gone up to your head and gone back down to your feet, if you are still awake, get up out of bed, get up out of bed, write it down, write out whatever is driving you crazy. So basically, you do not want your brain to start associating the bedroom with not sleeping. And that’s what happens if we stay in bed and are tossing, turning, tossing, turning, tossing, turning, tossing, turning. Looking at the clock. What you want to do is if after going through that, all the way up all the way back down. If you’re still awake, get up out of bed, go write, go journal. Get out of your head and onto paper, whatever your brain is obsessing about. Because that’s, that’s going to help, honestly. So. Okay, so that is for relaxation. Now for me personally, usually, by the time I get to my thighs, I’m out like a light. Because I’ve been practicing the breathing for a long time I do yoga, I do you know, Pilates, I do all sorts of stuff. So, breathing really is the key. This one is just nice, because it gives the brain that you know, patting the head rubbing the stomach, extra little bit of okay, we’re not going to be thinking about this, that and the other thing, you know, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, we’re going to be thinking about, Okay, this muscle and not that muscle and this muscle and not that muscle and breathing in, breathing out, making sure to tell ourselves that we are safe and everything is okay, that kind of thing. So this is a good meditation for falling asleep. This is a good meditation for calming the mind. Because remember, the amygdala really once it gets triggered, the cortisol floods the system, and then we tighten up and we stopped breathing. And that’s part of what’s leading to the racing thoughts, racing thoughts, racing thoughts, racing thoughts, racing thoughts, because the whole system is saying we’re in danger. We’re in danger. We’re in danger. No, you’re not. You’re safe. You’re okay. Everything is fine. And so that’s a good way to help yourself fall asleep. If you are having sleep troubles. There are tons of good breathing meditations out on YouTube. So find one that works for you. This is the one that works for me.

Now, we’re going to switch gears a little bit. And this next meditation is for getting in touch with your inner child and or children. Okay, so this is all part of self-care. So, something that one of my clients said the other day, I just had to take a deep breath and go, okay, okay.

Kris Godinez  18:15

They were like, I don’t have time for self-care. And I was like, Yes, you do. Because if you don’t, nothing else is going to fall into place. Let me say that again. You must make time for self-care. Because if you don’t, nothing else is going to fall into place. Nothing else is going to fall into place because self-care is not a fixed point in time. It’s not just getting a massage. It’s not just having your nails done. It is taking care of you, holistically meaning mind, body, spirit, the whole enchilada. So, you must take time for you because I want you to think about this. The abusers in our lives have damaged us mind, body, spirit, the whole enchilada. They’ve encouraged us to use drugs or alcohol, they have encouraged us to not get sleep, they have encouraged us to ignore our body. So, The Body Keeps Score Bessel Van De Kolk, great book.

So, we do tend to ignore our body we do tend to ignore what our needs are, what our wants are. And to take that a step further. We tend to ignore the inner child. And the inner child is the one that actually was there for the abuse, the one that had the trauma, the one that is running the show, because they’re terrified. So, this next meditation is for getting in touch with that inner child. Okay. All right. Get in a really comfortable position. In your mind’s eye. I want you to go somewhere amazingly. is safe. It can be a beach, it can be a mountain, it can be a meadow, it can be a cabin, it could be a hammock, it could be a beanbag. It could be, I don’t know, wherever you feel amazingly safe. My personal safe spot is always the beach. I love the beach, I’ll just hang out on the beach all day long. So, you go somewhere safe. Once you are there, take in a couple of deep breaths. Look around. What does it look like? Is the sun shining? Is it nighttime is a daytime? What does it smell like? Where is this place? Is this a place you’ve actually been to? Or is this a place that you’ve created in order to stay safe, either one doesn’t matter. Make sure you’re in a safe spot. Now, you are going to imagine calling your little one, your little inner child or sometimes children to you. And I want you to call them to you have them sit either next to you on your lap, whatever, hug them, kiss them, tell them how amazing they are. And thank them for getting you from point A. to where you are now. Because that’s been huge. And that was amazing of them to do that. Let them know how amazing they are. Let them know how brave they have been. Let them know how much you appreciate them trying to keep you safe. Let them know that they’re awesome, and that they did not deserve any abuse that they had, none of it. So once the kids are all there, if there’s a whole bunch of them, you’re going to have to talk to them individually. Okay? If there’s just one, you’re just dealing with one age. So let’s do that. And then we can extrapolate that to dealing with multiple ages.

So you have one, little one, you’re going to hug them and you’re going to say, Okay, what do you need? At this point, you’re going to feel a lot of emotions a lot of people often do, because this is probably the first time that your inner child has been asked, what do they need? And that’s what we need to be asking. That’s what we need is we need to be talking to our regular kids. What do you need, you know, our inner child? What do you need? So ask them what they need, listen to them, validate it. So if they come back and say, I need to be loved. Okay, I love you. How does love look to you? Tell me how I can show you that you are loved. Oftentimes, again, you’re going to get emotional, because this is the first time somebody’s bothered to ask how do you know your loved so let your child guide you let your inner child guide you. Okay, I will show you, you are loved by talking to you, I will show you your loved by protecting you. Oftentimes, that’s the number one answer that most of my clients say. I just need to be protected. I just need to be heard. I need to be believed. So, you let them know I will protect you. I got your back. I hear you. I believe you. I know what you went through. And I believe you. And it’s okay. It’s okay for us to acknowledge and to admit the abuse we went through, because how often do abusers nobody needs to know.

Kris Godinez  23:16

Nobody can you know, you don’t tell anybody, you don’t air your dirty laundry? Oh, yeah, you do? Oh, yeah, you do. Because that’s the best way to heal. So you let the little one know, I hear you. I see you. I believe you. And I want to have a continuing conversation with you because you are important to me. I am important to you. You are important to me. And then you hug them. And then you say okay, here’s what I need. I need you to be the kid and go play and have fun. But you need to let me be the adult no more you making decisions. That’s not your job. That’s the adults job. So let me be the adult. You be the kid. And then hopefully, you know you check in how do they look? Most of the time when I asked my clients how they look, the kid looks relieved because for how long did we become parentafide? For how long did we have to make all of these adult decisions that were not ours to make that got forced on to us because of the abusers because of dysfunctional parenting or alcoholic parenting or drug addicted parenting or whatever. So, you let them know I am the adult you are the kid. You get to go play. I have to be the one to make the decisions, okay. And then you give them a big hug and kiss and you send them out to play. And then you hang out for a little bit. Notice how you feel. What do you need in that moment? What is what is lacking in your life that you need to heal yourself with? How do you need to acknowledge yourself how Do you need to validate yourself where in your body are you not taking care of you, and then make the commitment to take care of you make the commitment to do the self-care. And the self-care, like I said, can be as simple as talking to your inner child. So whenever you’re ready, you can open your eyes. And you can go there and talk to your inner child or inner children.

And this is often what people discover, as they start working through self-esteem, CPTSD, etc. Different ages will pop ups, usually the littlest ones come first, because that’s where the trauma was happening and really confusing. But then other ages, teenagers pop up, okay, you talk to your teenager the same way with respect, with love with patience, with kindness, hear them, listen to them, what do they need, you know, what did they not get as teenagers. And teenagers are hard because they’re on that cusp. It’s like, they’re adults, but they’re not adults, and the abusers don’t listen to them. And they should and you know, and it’s like, okay, give them a voice, give them a voice. So those are two meditations that you can do.

Other self-care tips, you cannot not afford to do self-care, let me just let me just really hammer this home, guys, if you don’t care for yourself, nothing else is going to fall into place. If you don’t do the self-esteem work, nothing else is going to fall into place. If you don’t have your boundaries up, you are going to be taken advantage of again. So, this is why doing the work is hugely important anywhere from writing the go, pound sand letters to the abusers to the go pound sand letters to the drug of choice. All of that work is vital, because it’s self-care. And to not do that is to deny yourself self-care. And oftentimes people are afraid of working on the angry letters or the telling the person to go pound sand because of the fear. Because think of it… the ego defense is we side with the abuser and if we don’t side with the abuser, we got punished. We got beaten, we got screamed at we got yelled out, we got you know name, name, the abuse, that’s what happened. So if you’re feeling fear about doing something that’s self-care, that’s when you got to take a really deep breath. You, like a L’Oréal commercial, you are worth it, you are worth it to make sure that that aspect is nailed down tight, so that it doesn’t come back and bite you in the ass.

Kris Godinez  27:35

So that is why doing the angry letters to the abuser writing love letters to the inner child doing the inner child imagery, taking care of your sleep, drinking plenty of water, eating healthy foods.

So that is something that we tend to do. And I’ve talked about this in other videos. When we are stressed out what do we do we don’t reach for something healthy, we usually reach for a comfort food of some sort. Now, once in a while, that’s okay, every day not so much. So you want to be very cognizant, how are you feeding yourself? How are you treating yourself and some people do the opposite. So, they get stressed out, they don’t eat at all. So, remember, your body is a Lamborghini, it needs to have the proper fuel to keep it zooming along. So, you want to take really good care of your body, your mind, your spirit, you want to do things that enrich you and support you. So, after six months of not having a trainer because our trainer retired, John and I went out and got another trainer, you know, and the first time we worked out with them, both John and I were like, oh my god, I’m like, Yeah, well, that’s what six months not working, it’ll do for you. And so it’s like, it feels really good to get back into physical exercise. Even though we’ve been doing Pilates and stuff. It’s different. You know what I’m saying? So, listen to your body, listen to your body. What does it need? What foods does it need, not want? What does it need? How much water are you drinking? Are you drinking enough water? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you doing things to enrich your mind? Are you doing things to enrich your soul? Are you doing things to help your body that’s what you want to be doing. That’s all self-care. And that doesn’t necessarily mean spending money. It can be as simple as meditation; it can be as simple as taking a warm bath. It can be as simple as going outside laying out and looking up at the clouds. Take time for you because you have value, you have worth and the abusers want us to think that we don’t so the best way to give the middle finger to every single abuser in our lives is to do good, good, good, good self-care. Okay. How are we doing on time? There we are.

All right. So um, all right. I talked about the inner child meditation When I talked about the sleep meditation, self care is the whole physical thing. The body keeps score Bessel Vander Kolk, read it. Excellent book. Those are my suggestions. So, you want to be super gentle with you. If you are stressed out breathing is your best defense taking deep breaths and I was spending I was thinking about it the other day. You know how they used to tell us when we were angry will count to 10. I suspect that what they were leaving out was take a deep breath, let it out super slowly do it again, figure out what the emotion is underneath the anger. That’s the part they left out counting to 10 is great if you’re taking a deep breath, letting it out super slowly and then figuring out what the driving emotion is for the anger. So, these are all self-care tips. Emotions are needed. Emotions are necessary. Emotions are what separate us from the abusers, abusers do not experience emotions the way we do. It’s really important for us to get back into what is our inner child’s wants and needs. How can we make them feel safe? What are our wants and needs? How can I make myself feel safe? What can I do to enrich my life? Myself, my body, my soul? My spirit. Do that. Okay. Let’s dive into the questions.

Okay, does a narc try to sabotage your healing process? Yes. Do they sabotage it because they are afraid of you getting better and stronger? Yes. It often seems narcissists have some irrational fear about others getting healthier. Yes. And the reason why is because once you become healthy, they can’t abuse you, you won’t allow it, you won’t allow it. So that’s the reason why they don’t want people in therapy. That’s the reason why they don’t want their spouse their target of abuse, seeing a therapist that understands narcissistic abuse, because they know that that person is going to get stronger and healthier and recognize what’s going on and not put up with it. And they don’t want that. And plus the fact they don’t want to be wrong, ever. They have to be right, they would rather be dead than wrong, which is really stupid. So, they hate it when their children go to get help. And I’ve talked about this in my book, what’s wrong with your dad, available on Kindle and Amazon. And I also read it on Audible. My dad, when he found out I was in therapy, he tried to stop it. He did. He was like no child of mine is going to be in therapy! Meanwhile, all of us were in therapy at one point or another during this time period. So, because they can’t they take it as a personal affront that it’s them which it is.

Kris Godinez  32:35

But they can’t stand having to be held accountable. And they can’t stand the idea that their child isn’t perfect, even though they persist and telling us how imperfect we are. So it’s crazy. It’s crazy making so yeah, they absolutely intentionally sabotage they do not want anybody to get healthy around them. Because the healthier you are, the less you’re going to put up with it.

So how do you most efficiently face hard reality with other personality disorders or even situations in life? Aside from narcissism? Okay, there are first of all, a good trauma therapist. That’s always going to be my number one answer. So, reality when it hits you in the face can suck. Let’s just be clear here. So, when the truth comes out, it’s not always pretty. It’s not always what’s the word I’m looking for? It feels sometimes painful, and it feels horrible, I think is a good way to put it, you know, when you’re realizing the dysfunctioning, the level of not supporting you. So, for example, when I realized that my parents really did not have my back that was scary as hell because it was like, Okay, I am literally on my own here. Like, you know, I do not have parental units. I’m the adult here and I’m the kid. So what the actual and it’s terrifying. So, one of the books that really helps with that is radical acceptance by Tara Brach, radical acceptance Tara Brach. It’s just a matter of, there’s also a modality called reality therapy. So, it’s just kind of like, Yeah, this is what’s going on. No, there’s no other explanation it’s like you’re going to have to deal with it. You know, writing and burning helps a lot. Crying helps a lot. Recognize that you’re going to go through, you know, the kind of the inner child having a fit and going but it shouldn’t be this way, but it should be this other way. And why isn’t it and dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.  And that’s when you really got to comfort that inner child because the inner child is the one that’s going This isn’t fair. Well, you’re absolutely correct, it is not. And so, accepting it radical acceptance, radical acceptance, it is what it is. This is what it is. Is and it cannot be any other way. This is the way it is, you know, at least for that situation and then you go, Okay, what’s the next step? Can I do anything about it? Well, if it’s involving changing somebody else, no, but if it’s involving changing you, yes. And if it’s involving changing national policy, absolutely. So, abusers love to make us feel like we are powerless. We are not, we can’t change them. But we can certainly change us and we can certainly change not being around them. So do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, that is very much the way to deal with it is it is what it is. And I know a lot of people hate that saying it’s an AA saying and I suspect the reason they hate it is because it’s it is what it is, you know, it’s fine. It’s like you’re not changing this you can’t change them, you can’t make them healthy. You can’t bring them back to reality you can’t make them sane. You cannot love them into understanding what they’ve done or what they’re doing or what they’re continuing to do. You can’t you know, and I want you guys to be very careful of the Hoover’s so so what a lot of abusers do is they wait literally decades hoping that you’ve forgotten and suddenly you’ll get that hey how you doing email or Hey How you doing text or hey I found you on Facebook or whatever avoid avoid avoid delete ignore do not respond you know it’s if they haven’t thought enough to contact you on a regular vases like a normal person and they suddenly out of the blue after a lot of abuse get a hold of you.

Kris Godinez  36:37

Self-Care is saying no to that self-care is going nope I love myself more thank you very much goodbye, go have a nice life. You do not respond just ignore block ignore block ignore you do not need to respond to these Hoover’s at all period. So okay, hold on. And so facing reality is going to be radical acceptance. It’s absolutely going to be it is what it is. You know, here’s how I can change myself. Here’s how I can change my situation, but I cannot change that particular person. I can change national policy by getting out and voting and writing letters like crazy, but other than that, I let it go and I do the best I can and I encourage the people around me to take care of themselves. That’s what you can do. So there it is.

Um, okay, can narcissists show remorse when confronted by someone they have bullied. I stood up to my boss after an argument and she started crying asking me to forgive her boo hoo hoo. Okay, no, well, yes. So, they’re not sad that they bullied you. They’re sad they got caught. That’s really what it is. narcissist I have seen. Okay, because I like to watch a lot of true crime stuff on Discovery Channel, the ID channel that stuff. You will see the murderers, the psychopaths, etc, being horribly upset, but they’re not upset that they’ve killed. They’re upset that they got caught. And now they have to face the consequences. So, here’s the thing, healthy, normal people do not bully. Healthy, normal people do not bully. And the fact that she turned on the waterworks, okay. So basically, what that is, is that when you’re dealing with somebody who is personality, disordered in any way, shape, or form, one of the manipulations that they use, and I’m talking mostly narcissists and borderlines, when they get to the malignant part, guys, not when they’re down at the lower end of the spectrum, but when they get to the malignant part. They do the breaking into 1000 million pieces, sobbing the whole thing, but they’re not upset because of you. They’re upset because they have the shame finally hit them and the realization Oh, crap, I could lose my job. It’s not about you. It’s not like I morally did the wrong thing. It is I got caught. What’s going to happen to me? That’s what abusers do. That’s what narcissists do. It’s all about them. Me, me, me, I more my ego. Seriously, that’s all they care about. So, if she’s doing the waterworks and the whole thing and having remorse, it’s because she didn’t want to get fired. Because if you call her for bullying, the next step would be to go to the HR department and to file a formal complaint, which you may still need to do. And yeah, they’re not crying because of you. She’s crying because she got caught. That’s generally, they don’t. Let me let me say this again for the 20 million time and I’m gonna keep saying it till everybody on the face of planet gets this. Abusers do not have remorse. They don’t have a moral compass. They do not have that sense of I should not behave this way. They are all Ego. They do not experience emotions the way that you and I do. So, when they are crying because they got me how many times Okay, I know, I know I’m talking to y’all because I know we’ve talked about this before. How many times in the past when the abuser has been caught cheating did they burst into tears? I’m so sorry. It’ll never happen again.

Kris Godinez  40:22

Yeah. And then what happens? It happens again. They’re not sorry, guys. They’re not remorseful, they’re sorry, they got caught. That’s really what it is. It’s all their ego always comes first. They are all ego there is no, they’re up there. None. They are not emotional the way you and I are emotional, they do not process emotions the way you and I do. They are interested in offloading whatever shame they have into everybody else around them. That’s the projection stuff, their anger into everybody else around them, their hatred into everybody else around them, when it’s really all about them. They hate themselves. They’re angry all the damn time. You know, they’re petty, they’re selfish, they’re, you know, the whole thing. So, it’s always you always have to look to Okay, are they crying because they’re truly remorseful? Or are they crying because they got caught, and nine times out of 10, actually 10 times out of 10..11 times out of 10. It’s because they’re crying because they got caught. And now they have to be held accountable and responsible. And they’ll go to therapy, oh, I’ll go to therapy, or I’ll go to therapy. So they go once or twice. And then as soon as their ego is able to compensate, again, they stopped going. So yeah, the crying because they got caught, basically. I hope that answered the question. Um, okay.

When meditating, I get sometimes very anxious and thoughts of the past abuse surface. How can I stop that? Okay, so that is going to be normal. So, thoughts of the past abuse are going to pop up at the weirdest times. Sometimes during meditation, sometimes grocery shopping sometimes, whatever. So here’s what I want you to remember. You, I’m stealing this from Pema children, you are the sky emotions and thoughts are the weather, they’re going to come and go. So what you can do is the thought of the abuse pops up and you’re meditating. And you can be like, huh, I was a fascinating thought. Okay, I hear you, I see you. And I choose not to engage with you. But bye, bye now. Go pound sand, buh bye. And let it just flow. Let it just flow. Where we get into trouble is, is that sometimes, especially if we’re new to meditation, we try to control and we try to be like, no, no, no, no, I don’t want to think that thought. No, no, no, no, no, I don’t want to. Oh my god. I’m thinking, Oh, my God. I’m thinking No. Okay. Yeah. Thinking that thought. Okay, that’s interesting. I wonder why that popped up. I’ll think about that later. But right now I’m going back to my breathing. Buh bye thought. Goodbye. You know, so you just allow you don’t resist. So, when we resist something, it’s like, okay, there’s the pink elephant taking the crap in the corner of the living room, right. So normally what we do if we’re not conscious of it, is we go pink elephant taking a crap in the corner of the living room! I’m not thinking about it. I’m not thinking about I’m not thinking about the pink elephant. I’m not thinking about the pink elephant! What am I thinking about the whole damn time? But if you go ya, ya, ya, there’s yeah, there’s a pink elephant and it’s definitely taking a crap in the corner of the living room. Okay, well, I’m meditating right now. So there’s nothing I can do about it. So thank you, pink elephant. I will deal with you later. Bye bye now, go pound sand. Buh bye. You acknowledge it, you let it go. And it keeps popping up. You just keep acknowledging it and let it go. Remember, you are the sky. Thoughts and emotions are the weather, they’re going to blow in like a monsoon storm and blow right back out. So just allow, just allow. And then when you’re done with your meditation, what you might want to do is okay, here’s where the intrusions were, here’s where the intrusive thoughts were. What was that about? Why at that point in my meditation, did that happen? So sometimes it’s because we’re finally getting in touch with our body. Remember, The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van De Kolk. We’re finally getting in touch with our body. Okay, is it freaky to be in our body? For a lot of us getting into our bodies for the first time, a little freaky, you know, and when I had my therapist in Portland, Fabian Smith, she was awesome. You know, she would be like, you know, you’re floating about three feet out of your body. Like yeah, you’re right. So, you know getting back into my body really loving myself loving my body, loving my physical experience, allowing my body to speak to me and listening to it and honoring it and taking care of it. That’s what’s really important for survivors male and female. So um, yeah, it’s it’s, you’re just not acknowledge it’s like, okay, why am I floating out? Why am I disconnecting? Why am I allowing this thought to intrude? At this particular time? What’s the fear?

Kris Godinez  45:24

What is the fear? That’s interesting. So, write it down. challenge it. What is this thought trying to tell you? Why did this thought pop up? Why did this particular abusive situation, pop into your head when you’re doing something good for yourself? So, play with it. You are the master, you are the master of the thoughts. Thoughts are not the master of you. They think they are they are not. So do play with it. And don’t be afraid of it. Okay, um, so you don’t want to stop it. I think that’s the big thing. So this goes back to radical acceptance by Tara Brach. You accept it. Yep. Okay, I’m having these thoughts. All right. Or sometimes when you’re doing the nighttime meditation, you’re trying to breathe, and I’m safe, and I’m okay. And all of a sudden, they’ll be like, but I have to do this. And the other thing. Thank you thought that was wonderful. I hear you I already have you down on the list outside in the living room. But by back to breathing, I’m safe. I’m okay. Do you see where I’m going with that? You just acknowledge, validate, and then tell them to move on. Absolutely. Okay. Let’s see. How are we doing on time? We’re good. All right.

I left the relationship. And now I feel weird, enjoying the things I used to enjoy? Almost like I’m looking over my shoulder. Is this normal? 110%? Yes. Because we were… the person did the things we enjoyed with us. And so it reminds us of them, or now we’re back to the things we enjoy. Now we’re finally doing the things we love. And there’s that lingering sense of this isn’t okay. Oh, what would my ex say? What would my you know, parents say what would you know, whoever the abuser was. So that is normal. And that sense of, you know, having to look over your shoulder that is going to be there for probably, I would say the first three years, honestly, and sometimes longer. Because remember, we’re dealing with complicated grief. We’re dealing with complicated emotions. It’s like we loved this person we thought they were, turns out they weren’t that way. Turns out that they were an illusion, you know, and so the things we enjoyed with them. Okay, is it still okay for me enjoy it? Yeah, it is. And, and we’re doing things that we love that they disapproved of, you know what, it’s okay for you to enjoy that too. So, you just got to give yourself permission. So, this is one of those things where you look in the mirror and you’re doing mirror work. Hi, good to see you. This is self-care, guys. Hi, good to see you have a great day, I give you permission to enjoy the things you used to enjoy or to enjoy things that you did with your ex by yourself or with somebody new, it’s okay. And that might be something to work through with the inner child when you’re doing that inner child meditation. So, something to think about. Okay, yes, it is normal. So don’t freak out. That is totally normal.

Do you have any advice? For waking up every morning to a nightmare, I wake up in a panic every morning that is so common guys. So basically, what you’re going to want to do is you’re going to want to start programming your brain before you go to sleep. So again, mirror work, positive affirmations. Hi, good to see you. Have a great day. You know, here’s three things you did right during the day. Hey, guess what? You are safe when you are sleeping. You are going to have wonderful, happy dreams. You’re going to wake up refreshed and feeling awesome. And then you go to bed. Now is that going to work right off the bat? No, but it’s repetition and it’s telling your brain what you want. How do I know this works? Well, I’m going to tell my famous Oded, Fehr story. So, when I was getting a colonoscopy the last time I told John I said you know what? I’m going to have wonderful dreams about Oded Fehr was is a Israeli actor that was in the money. And he’s really cute. So John comes into get me and the nurse apparently looked at him and said, Who the hell’s out at fair so I was apparently dabbling about a boat and food place. So it does work. You tell your subconscious what you want to be thinking about or what you want to be dreaming about. And this goes with lucid dreaming as well. And you will be able to have that dream, become a lucid dreamer, etc, etc. It is possible to do that and it is because you’re working with your subconscious and you’re planting that suggestion. I want to have good dreams. I want to sleep well. I want to wake up refreshed and another thing that you can do is you can write down your nightmares. What are they about? Because our dreams… I’m totally with Jung on this.

Kris Godinez  50:07

It’s like our dreams really do tell us what’s going on what needs to be worked on? And I know some people are like, No, it doesn’t. And I’m like, yeah, it does. So um write them down. What’s the symbology? And what does it mean to you specifically? Now, some people use, you know, dream symbols and you know, things like that, it’s more important that you tell yourself are telling me you’re telling your therapist, what the symbology feels like to you specifically. So, for example, I had a dream one time that I was surrounded by these hopping spiders, and they were nasty. They were not very nice. And to me, it represented some people I was dealing with, and of course, I looked up the symbology. And of course, according to Jung, yes, that’s exactly what it is. But I like to try to figure out what it feels like to me and how it relates to my waking life. First, before I go diving into a dream, some symbolism book, so write it out, write it out, what does it mean to you? And if it’s, if it’s a nightmare, where you’re fighting or you’re struggling, okay, who are you fighting or struggling against? What is that symbology what needs to happen in your waking life to help your subconscious. So again, good, good trauma therapist would probably be a really good idea. Doing the nightly, I’m going to sleep well, I’m gonna have great dreams, it’s going to be all good. I’m going to enjoy my sleep, I’m going to feel rested, and you just keep doing that. The other thing you want to do too, is you want to make sure that your sleep situation is comfortable. It’s the right temperature, the bed is comfortable, the mattress is comfortable, the pillows are comfortable, the sheets are comfortable, that you feel safe, you could do some aromatherapy.

So some people sleep really well with lavender. I don’t like the smell of lavender. I don’t know why it’s just is not my thing. Everyone’s like, Oh, it’s so calming. And I’m like, oh, what I like is vanilla. So if it smells like vanilla, it smells safe to me. Or if it smells like Christmas cookies, it smells safe to me. So or floral, I like gardenias it smells safe to me. So, find something that helps you feel safe. And when you’re going to bed. The other thing you can do, again, guided imagery, you could imagine your room surrounded in Golden white light, and that you’re safe and you’re protected and nothing can hurt you. So that’s another way to kind of you know, help yourself. Imagine that you’re safe. So in telling the subconscious, hey, we’re safe. So that’s really, really important. Okay, do we have any other questions?

Okay. Sometimes I do things, but hate doing some of them, because they remind me of my abusers trying to shine through me. Any advice to follow my passion and my path? Yes. Okay. So my dad very much lived through all of us. That’s how he got his accolades. If we did something public, then it was all because they have, right. So you basically I would write a go fu letter to the parents to the abusers to whoever is trying to take credit for your successes. And differentiate, you are the one that’s doing this stuff, not them, you know, I’m a success in spite of my abuser, not because of them. So you kind of make that declaration and you allow yourself to enjoy the things that you’re good at. Because abusers will do one of two things, they will either out of jealousy, make sure you cannot do it, because they don’t want you to outshine them. Or they’ll take credit for you doing it because they want the accolades that you should be getting. So really, it’s you do what makes you happy, you do what you love, and you just keep reminding yourself, this has nothing to do with them. I’m doing this on my own, this is all me, you know, has nothing to do with them. They don’t get to take credit for it. They don’t get to take accolades for it, they don’t get to ruin it, they don’t get to destroy it. So really kind of cementing that in your mind. So write them a go fu letter, send it off, have a nice life. And I don’t mean to send it off, send it to him.

Kris Godinez  54:23

I mean, send it off to the barbecue. Burn it. Do not send these letters, people if you send these letters, it’s going to undo every good thing you’ve ever done. So you’re going to write it, you’re going to burn it. You read it once burn it, let it go. Let it go. These people have no power over you anymore. They have no power here. None zip zero, zilch. Nada. And the reason they don’t is the self-esteem work that you’re doing the boundary work that you’re doing the CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker, that you’re doing the writing and burning the angry letters, and really allowing yourself to experience love and how venous and joy and self-care. That’s really what it’s all about. That’s what they don’t want us to do. They don’t want us to be fully actualized human beings. And like I said, that’s the best way to give them the middle finger. All right, my love to you guys go be good drink plenty of water. Totally frickin 14 again here in Phoenix So, plenty of water take care of yourself. Do self-care, do the meditation. Take good care of yourselves. Alright, talk to you later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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