Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.
I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.
Hello, Kris Godinez licensed professional counselor and also the host of We Need to Talk on every Sunday at noon. Susanna and I are working on doing a seminar it is not firmed up. She wants to do it in August, like next week, week after it’s going to be online. So as soon as I get that information, and as soon as that’s live and ready to go, I will let you guys know and it’s basically going to be how do you heal after the abuse? What do you need to do? You know, what are the what are the steps? What do you need to do? Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So she and I are going to be she’s going to be handling what she you know what she learned from her life. And I’m going to be teaching you guys more stuff about how to heal after leaving the abuse. So anyway, as soon as I get the information on that we will definitely I will definitely put that all out and let you guys know, all right. So okay, sorry. I’m a little scattered. jetlag number one. Number two house is a mess. Oh my god. Anyway, number three. Hi, how are you? So?
Alright, so today’s topic is being in the spotlight slash accepting compliments. So, All right. A lot of people have the spotlight effect and it is a real effect. But, the spotlight effect seems to be more prevalent among people who have been abused. Why? Well, okay, so first of all, what is the spotlight effect? So, the spotlight effect is you go out in public and you think everyone is looking at you and you think everyone is watching you and you think everyone is judging you. Okay. I think a lot of people have that. But I think it’s more prevalent among people that were raised by narcissists. Why? Well, because when we’re raised by a narcissist, what do they do all the time? Judge, judge, judge look at you look at you look your age, you know, it’s all your fault, this, that and the other thing. So, we tend to think that other people because that’s been our experience that other people are always just are always looking at us or always commenting on us. So, I have a couple of really good Psychology Today articles one was the spotlight effect.
The spotlight effect refers to the tendency to think that more people notice something about you than they do dozens of studies, dozens of studies in social psychology have supported the funnel phenomenon. In one test, some students wore bright yellow Barry Manilow T shirts to an introductory psychology class. I’m thinking to myself those students are probably like who’s Barry Manilow? They had been okay, they then had the costume Where’s estimate how many people in class they thought noticed it was greatly overestimate. So, what explains the spotlight effect? Basically, it is the result of egocentrism, which makes sense because if you’re raised by a narcissist, it is literally all about them. And so we learn it’s a flea. It’s a flea guys, it’s a flea it’s learned behavior, so we got to squish it. So okay, we are all the center of our own universes, which is true narcissists. More so this is not to say we are arrogant or value ourselves more than others, narcissists do but again, this is a flea we picked up from them. Rather our entire existence is from our own experience and perspective, which makes total sense why so many people have this because there’s 35 to 45% people out there disordered. So, all right, we use those experiences to evaluate the world around us, including other people, but other people not only lack knowledge of for instance, the stain that you have on your shirt, but they are the center of their own universes too and in turn are focused on their own things.
So and if you have a healthy, parenting situation, you know, because your parent is not always judging, right? And they’re not always narcissistic and whatever. And so you know that other people are busy with their own lives and not paying attention. And you know, that whole thing. Okay, back to this article.
Hold on naive realism and bias blind spots also contribute to this, for instance, people typically do not perceive themselves as biased, we don’t. They tend to assume that they are focusing what they are focusing on, is accurate and objective. And generally, it’s not in that case, in turn, they believe that most other people should notice what they are focusing in on. So, in other words, if you are focusing in on, oh my gosh, I have the stain on my shirt. Oh my gosh, everybody’s going to notice it. Because you’re biased that you’re focusing in on that you’re assuming, which, assuming makes an ass out of you and me that everyone else is also focusing in on this stain. They’re not, they’re not guaranteed they are not. Because they’re so busy with their own lives. They’re not even noticing. And if they noticed that it’s kind of like, okay, I got a stain. So does almost everybody in the world goes out and eats out, you know, so, specially if you’re kind of slobs like me and John, like, oh, you know, so if we focus in on something, it’s just it’s the same thing. If we focus in on an imperfection on our face, you know, we’ll go oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, everybody’s going to be looking at this pimple that I have on my cheek? No, they’re not. They’re you’re focused on it, but not everybody else is.
So, when you’re dealing with the hyper focusing, and the oh my gosh, everybody’s looking at me. You’re going to have to do thought stopping. Like, seriously. So that thought pops up. Oh, my gosh, everybody’s looking at me. Everybody sees the stain on my shirt. Everybody sees the pimple on my cheek. Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh. First of all, it’s not an arm, it’s not a leg, nobody’s dying, doesn’t matter. So you have a stain on your shirt. So what if they’re going to judge you for that? You don’t want them in your life. Anyway, seriously. Same thing with the pimple. It’s like it’s a pimple pimples happen. stains on shirts happen. Apparently, Barry Manilow shirts happen as well. So you know, you just you can’t, you cannot allow that thought start doing the rumination and start just circling the drain. So that… it’s preventing you from enjoying your life. And that’s what it does.
So, think of it as a continuation of the abuse. It’s a continuation of the abuser going and you you, you look at that! You’re this You’re that! You, you, you, you guns going off, right? You got to be able to go okay, there’s that thought and? Yeah, I got a stain. And so what? So there’s a stain on my shirt. So what? I have never in my 57 years, had somebody walk up to me and go, Oh my gosh, you’ve got a stain on your shirt. Never, never, never, ever. And if a stranger did, I’d be like, Yeah, I do. Thank you for pointing it out, I’ll make sure and put some spray and wash on it. You know, you don’t allow other people to judge you. You just don’t. We did when we were kids, because we couldn’t get away from the narcissistic parent, whether that was male or female. But now that we’re an adult, you know, it’s like, okay, thanks. And? You know, and you go on with your life. I’ve never had anybody do that. Because generally the only people that would ever do something like that are cuckoo, because you would never walk up to a total stranger and be like, you’ve got to stain your shirt, you know, or you’ve got acne, you know, it’s like, who does that? Nobody, like literally nobody unless they’re disordered. And if they do that you know they’re disordered, you move away from them. And you do not take it personally.
I think that’s what a lot of us struggle with in the beginning, when we leave an abusive family or we leave an abusive relationship is that we’ve learned behavior. We’ve learned to take all of this stuff. Uber, personally, like, like we’re on the alert, we’re on hyper alert for attacks, right? And that’s part of the being in the spotlight thing. So, because we’re looking, we’re waiting for an attack, we’re waiting for somebody to come up and say something, we’re waiting for some we’re waiting for the shoe to drop, basically. And it’s because of the way we were raised. It’s because of the judgment that we had nonstop from mom, dad, grandparents, teachers, whatever. And so we’re hyper focused on oh my god, oh, my God. Oh, my God, are they… do they see this? They’re looking at me.
So the extreme of that becomes agoraphobia. It does because we’re terrified of leaving the house. So basically, the way I want you to look at it is the best way to give the middle finger to your abuser is to go live life. to the fullest! Stains on the shirt acne on the face and all, and just go have fun. So, when those thoughts pop up, you’re going to have to go hmm, I hear you, I see you…. who, who did that come from? Where does this judgment come from? who judged me as a kid or who judged me in this relationship that I just got out of? What is this about? Oh, it’s my ex. Oh, it’s my dad. Oh, it’s my mom. Oh, it’s you know, whoever it is fill in the blank. And then you go, I hear you. I see you. And you have absolutely no relevance in my life. Right now. I am sending you off hit the road. Jack, don’t you come back, no mo, no mo, no mo, no mo, buh bye now. Goodbye, go pound sand. Buh bye. Write when you get work, buh bye. And you let it go. Because seriously, other people are so wrapped up in their own lives. They’re not looking and this going on in our heads is a continuation of the abuse. So it’s almost like the abuser is still there. That’s that inner critic hello. So it’s almost as if the abuser is still there going, you know, you know and keeping you from living your best life. The best revenge I kid you not is live. Well please, for the love of God and all that is holy go live. Well go do things go take yourself out to lunch, go explore, go walking outside with a rip or a stain in your shirt. You know, it doesn’t matter what other people think other esteem is not self-esteem.
Okay, so the other part of being in the spotlight. And this is I think another reason why we avoid a lot of us avoid being in the spotlight being extroverts. Because number one, an extrovert that makes you an easy target for the narcissist. If you’re living at home with a narcissist and you’re an extrovert, and I know this one from firsthand. You’re an easy target, because you’re always, you know, out basically, you’re like, you know, here I am, you know, I’m doing my life, you know. And so a lot of kids tend to learn to become introverts to avoid dealing with the Narcissist. So I’ve been told a lot of times that I’m a extroverted introvert. Because I can when I need to just disappear if I have to. So it’s, you know, something to think about. It’s like, what is your true nature, and my true nature is, I do love people, and I do love getting out and meeting people, but and when I was living home with a crazy parents or two, you know, it was like, hide, be safe, you know, that kind of thing, that kind of thing. And then when you go out into public, you do think that everybody is judging you just like the abuser did, but they’re not guys, they’re not I promise.
The other aspect of the spotlight effect is that not only do we not want people to notice us because of the abuse. But if we do something extraordinary, or if we do something worthy of you know, accolades or credit or whatever, who marches in and takes credit for it. That would be the abusers. That would be the abusers. I can’t tell you the number of times, personally, and also people coming in and sitting on the couch, when I used to have an actual office instead of virtual, but you know, what I’m saying, you know, telling me, it’s like, Hey, I did this great thing, and my mom took credit for it, or my dad took credit for it, or, you know, my teacher took credit for it, or, you know, whatever. So, they do that. It’s what they do. And they do it because they must be at the center of attention all the time. You get that don’t want to be the center of attention kind of thing going because it’s like, we know that it’s just going to be taken away from us. And the credit is going to go to the abuser or, or something great.
Narcissists are so weird. So they do want to two things, they either take credit for what we’re doing, or if we do something really great, they then punish us for it. Because how dare we? How dare we be in the spotlight? How dare we do something amazing. How dare we, you know, it’s this really, it’s this dichotomy. It’s like, they’re either this, you know, I’m going to take the credit for it and claim you as my child, as long as you make me look good. Or how dare you look good. How dare you do something better than me? How dare you, you know. And so we learned very quickly, it’s like, no, thank you. I’ll just, let’s just get back over here. You know, it’s like, it’s so we have this really hard time either being in the spotlight because we know it’s going to be taken away from us or we feel like we’re going to be judged all the time. Or we’re going to be punished for it. So, it really is.
What’s the word I’m looking for? It really is. It’s because of how we were raised or what we were around. And what we used to bias. It’s stepping out of that circle of thinking it’s stepping out of that way of, you know, you’ve really got to it’s mindfulness guys. It’s mindfulness, you’ve got to check in and go, Is this the internal critic? Is this fear the internal critic, so remember, abusers would desperately love to keep us down, and never be better than them. Or they would love to literally ride on our coattails or whatever. And I talk about it in my book, what’s wrong with your dad, available on Amazon. That, you know, if I did things that made dad look great. He claimed to me as his daughter and loved me and the whole thing, but if I didn’t, he had no problem. No problem humiliating me in public. So great example is, you know, I did acting because that was my thing. And as every time I got a role, oh, I was his daughter. Oh, look at her, she’s great. Oh, she’s that she’s that. He then forced me to go to beautician school, rather than allowing me to try to figure out what I wanted to do for a living. And it took me five years to graduate college when it would have taken me four. So he told everyone how stupid I was. And I couldn’t graduate in four years when he was the one that forced me to take a year off to go through cosmetology school. That’s just what they do. They’re just evil. They’re assholes. And they’re evil. And they’re mean, and they seek to destroy, so they are intent on ruining life. In general, they don’t want you to go out, they don’t want you to have fun. They don’t want you to feel they don’t want you to love. They don’t want you to experience great joy. They don’t want you to have deep emotions, they don’t want you to cry and really grieve, they don’t want you to have any other emotion other than what they want you to have. Because they cannot feel. And so that I believe is what is going on with the spotlight thing. It’s like we’ve been conditioned. Okay, remember conditioning, right? You know, it’s like repetitive intermittent positive rewards the whole thing. And so it conditions us to either avoid the spotlight or think that we’re in the spotlight in a way all the time because of how you were raised and because of how parents or that teacher or that lover or whoever treated us during that time period.
So the first article that I was reading from was from Psychology Today. So yeah, it’s vastly overestimated it and I can attest to that, because you guys know I have a T shirt that has Freud on it, right? This is called the spotlight effect. And this is by Hatholic PhD. I have a T shirt that has frayed on it, right. And it’s, it’s the dark side of your mom. And it looks like the Dark Side of the Moon. So this one guy was like, I want Pink Floyd, bla bla bla bla bla, and he didn’t even read the t shirt. I’m just like, looking at him going, did you look at the t shirt? Because that’s not what this is about people. So yeah, they don’t, they’re not. They don’t often really catch the small details and they don’t really pay attention to other people. You know, it’s kind of a meta thing. Not a micro thing. You know what I’m saying? So, so they’re not really they’re not really they’re not really looking at us. They’re not really judging us. We think they are we feel they are how am I doing on time? I cannot see because I don’t have my glasses on. Okay, one more article. Hold on.
All right. Um, and so this is another article that I pulled up and this is on choosing therapy, and it’s by Hilary. Shafi Schaffer, Hilary Schaffer, she’s a licensed professional counselor. So um, signs that you’ve been raised by a narcissist, love was always conditional. And this is what has to do with the spotlight syndrome. Again, as I was talking about, if you make them look good, then they’ll love you. But that’s not love. Let’s be clear here. I think survivors of abuse really need to re experience every emotion and understand that narcissists do not feel a single one of them the way that healthy people do. So their idea of love is absolutely strings attached. It is absolutely conditional, and it absolutely is based on their mercurial and capricious whims. So, if they’re in a good mood and you make them look good, great if they’re in a bad mood and you’re doing something that’s making you look good, they’ll punish you for it. And it’s never the same. It’s like you can’t ever really get good footing as to what’s going to set them off. So, you know, it’s like I said, you could walk in and say, Good morning, and they’ll come unglued. You could walk in the next day and say, Good morning, the exact same way. And there’ll be Oh, good morning, and you’re sitting here going, Okay, you know, so there’s no consistency. That’s the thing. And so we learn, the best thing to do is to just disappear. So yeah, their love is absolutely conditional. And that’s where part of where the spotlight syndrome comes in.
It was always about them, they would take credit for things that you did. You know, my dad used to love to do that. He thought he was the greatest opera singer in the world. And if I did anything with a chorus, or choir or anything like that, he would tell everybody how it was all him. And I’m sitting here going, you’re not the one that was doing the hours and hours and hours and hours and hours of practice. Hello. So, they do they march in, and they just, you know, it’s all about them, always has to be about them, always. And if it’s not like, if you contradict a narcissist, this is why I keep telling people don’t try to get them to see what they’re doing it first of all, they don’t want to see. And number two, they’re not going to change, and they will take that information and punish you with it. So, if I tried to correct my dad on something I would never hear the end of it, he would do…. He would do one of two things. He would either do the raging, or he would break into 100,000 million feud. You don’t appreciate me, why don’t you appreciate me? Boo, hoo, hoo. Oh, my freaking god, really? So yeah, they’ll do something that’s not normal. Normal parents don’t behave like that, guys. Normal parents do not behave like that. There is no raging. There is no punishing. There is no, you know, under the spotlight looking at you, what are you doing? What are you wearing? What are you thinking? You know, how dare you laugh so loud? How dare you wear that outfit? How dare you do this? How dare you do that. There’s none of that there is literally none of that. I just spent two weeks with part of my family. They’re wonderful. You know why? healthy, normal, great. Parents love them. So it was wonderful to see good healthy parenting, especially in my life. But again, it goes to parents because they spend therapy and a lot of time working on themselves and a lot of time getting rid of all the fleas. So again, these are fleas. These are fleas. These are fleas. Alright, hold on, let me get to the rest of this article.
You weren’t allowed to have your own feelings needs or your own hobbies. Again, they take over. You were worried about pleasing them or displeasing them. So again, I think that’s a lot of where the spotlight thing comes in. Is because we’re worried what other people think we’re constantly focused outwards, because they’re constantly focused outwards, they depend on other esteem. It’s always other esteem. It’s never self-esteem from them, ever. They don’t have any. So, we learned very quickly to you know, what’s going on? What’s going on? Who’s here? What’s who’s looking? Who’s, who’s judging? Who’s Who do I have to please Who do I have to stay away from? Who do I have to you know, it’s crazy. So again, this comes from the way we were raised? Absolutely. And this and I’m going to go into compliments here in just a minute because I want to I will definitely want to hit this. Yeah, they run hot and cold, they do no wrong. And it really affects us growing up, because, you know, it’s just, it’s what we’ve seen.
So, let’s then roll this into taking compliments and impostor syndrome really quickly. So we, because of all this, quickly get the message that we aren’t worthy, quickly, we get the message that we are not worthy that they’ve let us know in no uncertain terms, that it’s all because of them. Or if we do something good that we’re going to be punished for it and therefore we’re not worthy. So a lot of it is what we were again, it’s a flea so we learn very quickly. It’s not okay to accept compliments to acknowledge ourselves to take credit for where hard work and what we’ve done, etc., etc., etc. So a lot of us grew up with this imposter syndrome. And so we’re waiting for somebody to point the finger you know, kind of like what was that horror movie? The one with the pod people? Oh, where they got replaced Donald Sutherland? No, Donald Pleasance. I always get those two mixed up. Donald Sutherland, at the end of the movie was a pod person and he’s like, you know, and we’re waiting for that we’re waiting for somebody to point the finger and go, you don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re this, you’re that! You’re, you’re a fake, you’re a fraud, bla bla bla bla, so impostor syndrome, and the reason we get that is because of parents, family of origins, teachers, any narcissists, that would take credit, put us down, punish us, you know, for doing something well, or things like that.
So how to start accepting compliments? First of all, you’re going to have to acknowledge that you’re going to feel weird doing it. Okay. First and foremost, it is going to feel weird, you’re not going to feel normal. So, when someone says something nice to us, what do we usually do? We deflect. We do Oh, no, well, you too. No, you’re great. No, you. You’re fabulous. Well, thank you, you’re great, you know, so we immediately deflect, and we immediately get back to them, because that’s what we’ve been trained to do by the narcissist. It’s like, oh, no, it’s all them. They’re fabulous. So that’s what we do. That’s our knee jerk reaction and 99.9% of us.
The other thing we do is we feel incredibly uncomfortable. And we start feeling squirmy inside when somebody gives us a compliment. So this is all part of self-care, self-esteem, and really on warning the fleas squishing the fleas. So again, this is another flea that we learned from having been around a narcissist. So, when somebody gives you a compliment, you’ve got to understand it is going to feel unnatural. It is going to feel weird. It’s going to be uncomfortable. You’re going to want to get rid of it, because that’s the inner child. So, I’m going to encourage you guys inner child workbook, Katherine Taylor, Luccia Cappuccini. Cappuccini No, that’s not her name. Cap, but Cioni cap. It’s not a coffee. You know what I mean? Anyway, so any workbook self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, or you are a badass by Jensen Sincero or any of the self-esteem workbooks, you’re going to want to get in touch with that inner child and work on both the spotlight syndrome and the freaked outness about accepting compliments, Hi, little one, it’s okay to accept compliments. It’s okay, no one is going to punish you. Let me say that, again, no one is going to punish you for accepting a compliment. It’s okay.
So, figure out how old you were when you realized it wasn’t okay to accept compliments, figure out how old you were when you realized it wasn’t okay to be in the spotlight. Or when you realized you were suddenly thinking everybody was you know, looking at you, Hey, little one, nobody’s judging you. And if they are, they don’t need to be in your life. You have me to make sure that they stay out. So do you see where I’m going with that? You have your adult be the adult, you have your child be the child and you comfort them and you reassure them, and you start teaching them, hey, we don’t have to give credit where it’s not due. Hey, we can accept compliments and credit for what we have done. You know what I’m saying? So, it’s, it’s, it’s working on the inner child.
So, when somebody pays us a compliment, just understand, you’re going to feel weird. It’s going to feel like, Oh, my God, I can’t accept this. Oh, my God, well, yeah, you can. And you really you should, because it’s part of growing, and it’s part of healing, and it’s part of squishing those fleas. So, when somebody gives you a compliment, what you’re going to do is just recognize you’re going to feel weird. And you simply say, thank you. And that’s it. You don’t need to give it back. Unless you want to, I mean, something, you know, but don’t use that as a deflection. Don’t use that as a way to not really accept the compliment. Compliments from healthy people are truly gifts. They are saying, I see you, I see you. And I’m proud of you. And I love you. And here’s what I love about you. Wow, that’s a gift. So you don’t want to deflect that. Because when they would give compliments or when you got confidence, and you had to give them the credit. It was a game and it was awful. It was horrible. Well, you’re out of that now. So now you get to accept the compliment. You get to love yourself, you get to, you get to and you just simply say thank you. And that’s it. And don’t use the giving a compliment back as deflection. Now if you truly want to compliment somebody, like somebody, you know, said something about my Hawaiian dresses that I wear all the time, and they too had a really cool Hawaiian shirt. I was like, Oh, love your Hawaiian shirt! That’s awesome. But I also let in the compliment about the Hawaiian dress. Does that make sense? So you just simply say thank you and let it percolate through and then notice that the inner critic is going to pop up and be like, Oh, that’s not true. They want something. Thank you for your input. Shut the bleep up. Why? Because I say so. Go pound sand now buh bye now. Do you see where I’m going with that? So, it’s Got to take practice. But this is all connected. You know, the feeling of being in the spotlight, the fear of the spotlight, inability to take compliments, it all is fleas that we have learned from the abuser because it has to be all about them. So, there that is okay. Let’s start answering questions. Shall we?
Okay, I’m going to need to make this bigger because I don’t have my glasses. Do narcissists steal our moment when we achieved something because they themselves didn’t achieve anything and are jealous? Oh, yes. When I graduated, oh, my goodness. When I graduated from my university, my mom acted like it did. Was so cringy Yes. 110% Yeah, they absolutely if you achieve something that they have not achieved or could not achieve, or whatever, they will absolutely seek to ruin the moment. Okay, so let’s be clear. narcissists do not feel. They do not, they cannot, they do not they do not feel emotions the way you and I feel emotions, because in order to feel emotions, healthfully, you need to actually have empathy. They do not have the empathy card at all. They don’t. And if it’s not about them, they will seek to make it about them. And if they cannot make it about them somehow, then they will seek to ruin it. So let me be clear here. They will ruin birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, that’s their favorite drama, honestly, graduations, births, funerals, I’ve seen that too. That’s fascinating. Anything that’s not about them, they will then make about them. And if they cannot make it about them, they will figure out a way to either create chaos and drama. Or they’ll ruin it in some way, shape, or form. Guarantee it take that to the bank. So again, in my book, what’s wrong with your dad when I graduated… My mom never graduated college. She I think had maybe high school education. And that was it. And she never went on. And she never went to college never got a degree. So, I went through even with my dad sabotaging and my mom supporting him 100% You know, it’s kind of like, Wow, mom, thanks for not, you know, standing up for me. But you know, I understand she dad was her mom. There we go. Because my grandmother on her side was a total narc. So okay, so Graduated, went through the ceremony. And what did she do? She picked a fight with me. She picked a fight with me over here’s the funny part. If you guys know me, if you saw my videos before I got a sponsor, you know, I have a mouth on me. I swear like a sailor. Okay, so I was doing my typical Kris thing and talking and swearing and the whole thing. And she picks that moment in time, that particular moment in time at the family house with people there to start an argument with me about swearing. She lost in more ways than one. But it’s that’s what they do. She couldn’t and really what it was really about was the fact that she hadn’t ever graduated and she was jealous. And she was angry. And she was feeling a bunch of stuff that she couldn’t put an emotion to. Because at that point in time, she hadn’t read anything. She hadn’t gone to therapy. She had, you know, little bits of therapy here and there. But she hadn’t really dived into the whole narcissistic abuse thing. And so that’s when she started a fight with me to ruin my graduation, she almost succeeded. And then my older sister stepped in and was like, knock it off to her. So yeah, so that. That was good. And then, you know, my older sister and I talked it through, and that’s when we realized, Oh, she never graduated. Hmm, isn’t that interesting? So yeah, if you achieve something that they have not, yeah, they will set about to ruin it. Absolutely. If you have a family gathering, you know, and it’s fun. And you guys are having a good time, what my dad would do is he would suddenly decide to kick the dog. Just to start an argument and upset all of the kids especially because it was my dog, you know, it just they are just heinous, horrible, heinous, horrible people, and they will ruin anything… family gatherings, weddings, funerals, they’ll suddenly decide to have some medical issue a medical emergency in the middle of a wedding or in the middle of it and there’s nothing going on. I heard that happened to um, so yeah, they’re just heinous, horrible, awful people and they will set about to ruin anything, especially if you do something that they did not or could not do. Yes, they will. Absolutely set about to ruin it. Absolutely.
When a narcissist steals your spotlight to get all the attention, does it go wrong for them at times? That they accidentally expose themselves through that? Yes. Oh my gosh. Yeah. It depends. It depends on the flying monkeys around. And it depends on how conscious aware and awake the people around are. So yeah, it can go wrong for them. You know, obviously, like with my mom, my sister stepped in and was like, knock it off. But it’s as if the people around are healthy, they’re going to be like whispering to each other. Like, What? What? What are you doing? Why are you doing this? What is what is he doing? What is she doing? Why are they doing that? They do. They absolutely do. So, you know, again, personal experience, cleaning out more of my dad’s crap. There were literally I kid you not 20 to 30 copies of every single newspaper where his name was ever mentioned, because he was the city attorney for both cities when I was a kid growing up. And so he was in the newspaper frequently and he literally would run out and buy 20 or 30 copies anytime his name was mentioned. And of course, you know, I the reason I got the title, what’s wrong with your dad? Is because a woman in Gridley walked up to me when I was at spruce pharmacy, which is now no longer Spruce pharmacy, I don’t even know what it’s called anymore. But she walked up to me and she’s like, Oh, you’re so and so’s daughter, aren’t you? And I’m like, Yeah, you know, because immediately I’m always like, This can’t be good. And she looked at me, she’s like, what’s wrong with your dad? And I was like… got about four hours. And I laughed, and I walked out, because I’m not going to engage with a stranger about that. At least at that time. Now I do. But no, I was like, 18 when that happens, so yeah, they their behavior is noticeable to healthy people. It is not noticeable to other narcissists. So flying monkeys, which are either people are just ignorant, or they are minor narcissists themselves, but to healthy people. Yeah, they notice they’re like, What is wrong with this person? Because that behavior is not normal. So yeah, I think it does backfire on them. Does it always backfire on them? Eventually, I think it will, doesn’t always No, probably not. You know, depends on who’s around. And it depends on who’s willing to call it or not. So my sister was strong enough to step in and be like, ah, not doing this lady. You know, this other woman? You know, she was truly curious. I suspect there was a little bit of gossipy stuff going on as well. But you know, it’s like, yeah, people notice people do notice. And I think it’s important to, if you’re still in a situation, you cannot call it out. But if you’re out of the situation, I think it’s perfectly okay to be like back off. You know what I’m saying? And I think more of us need to start doing that. Because like I said, 35 to 45% of the population disordered. So yeah, there that is, um.
Do you think that narcissists will feel contempt for you, when you don’t want what they have? Absolutely. Oh, my gosh. So it’s really, for a narcissist, it’s all about He who has the most toward toys when they die is wins. Right? And they want you to feel jealous and envious. So remember, that’s part of the DSM five, they feel often feel that people are envious or jealous of them, or they’re often envious or jealous of other people. So that is one of the criteria. So yeah, they want you to want what they have. And remember, they are disordered, so they cannot conceive of anyone having a differing opinion than they do. So, say for example, they are into I don’t know something really expensive, like sports cars or something Lamborghinis. Let’s say Lamborghinis, because those are ridiculously expensive. So, let’s say they’re into Lamborghinis. They will expect you if they buy one. And I’m talking about, you know, really wealthy narcissists. If they buy one, they will expect you to be jealous or envious of that. Or if they have artwork, they’ll expect you to be jealous or envious of that. And if you’re just kind of like, Yeah, I’m not into modern art, thanks. You know, they’ll get pissed. They’ll get pissed because you’re not appreciating what they have. And they want you to be envious or jealous. That is one of the criteria. So that’s kind of a interesting thing to observe or to watch, because you basically you can wind them up by having absolutely no interest In what they’re collecting or what they’re doing, or what they like, or what they’re, you know, and they will sit there and try to harangue you about it will put why But why, but why but why like a little kid, so or they get angry and they rage. So yeah, it’s that’s one of the very telling things it’s like because a healthy normal person is able to go, you know, okay, let’s use milkshakes. For example, strawberry, vanilla and chocolate. You know, it’s like, so if the narcissist likes, I don’t know, vanilla, and somebody orders chocolate or strawberry, they come unglued if you didn’t order what they did. Did they ready to think the way they think? And if they hate chocolate or strawberry, they expect you to hate chocolate or strawberry. So yeah, it’s crazy. It is crazy. But yes, they do become very angry. If you don’t agree with them on anything, it doesn’t even need to be, you know, wanting what they want. It’s like it could be a an opinion. You know, I like the color blue. Oh, I like purple. How dare you like purple? I like blue. You need to like I’m exaggerating, but it’s kind of the same thing. And they’ll harangue you, but why, but why, but why, but why, but why, but why, but why? But why? Because they’re wanting you to change your opinion. Because remember, the world needs to reflect back to them how great they are, and that they are never wrong, and that they are always right. And that’s why they can’t handle differing opinions. Because if somebody has a differing opinion, well, then that means that they’re not the ultimate authority. So yeah, that’s a good question.
How do I help my child not pick up fleas? Okay. So, it’s if you are still in the relationship, or if you are sharing custody, I’ve said this a million times, and I’ll it a million more. When the child comes back from visitation with the narcissist, they are going to have fleas galore. And the first, I would say two days are usually undoing those fleas. So, what will happen is the kid will go over to the narcissist’s house have to do their time with them sounds like going to jail doesn’t Oh, don’t get me started. We need to change the family court systems so badly. Oh, my God, don’t get me started. So, the kid goes over to the Narcissist’s house has to spend their time with them. It’s not safe for them to act out. It’s not safe for them to speak their mind. It’s not safe for them to have an opinion. It’s not safe for them to ask for chocolate or strawberry milkshake because the narcissist won’t allow it. Do you see where I’m going? So then when they come back to the sane parent, they’re going to be acting out like crazy. Why? Because it’s the ego defense mechanism. So, they will not take it out on the abuser because they know the abuser will punish them. So, they come home and they take it out on the sane parent, so that needs to be smacked down. As soon as it starts happening. Nope. Who are you really mad at? Nope, we do not behave this way over this house. No, you’re not going to climb all over the furniture. I mean, do you see where I’m going with that? Like, because the narcissist either has strict super rules over there, or they have no rules at all. Again, it seems to be like extremes. They’re all, nothing, good, black or white. So it’s strict super rules, the kid comes home, they’re going to go, they figure it out and they feel safe again. So basically, as soon as the kid comes back, and they start acting out, you let them know you love them. No, we don’t do this over here. I know it’s not safe to say this to your other parent. But you’re not going to take it out on me. Who are you really angry at? Here’s your journal go write. And then tear up. You know, you don’t need to read it. It’s none of your business. Honestly, what they’re working on is their stuff. They need to know that their journals are safe. The only time that you want to know what’s going on is if you suspect their sexual abuse going on. Seriously, or they’re you suspect they’re being hit over there. So um, yeah, it’s so you want to make sure that they have an outlet, but you also want to let them know. Ah, nope, we’re not doing that. Nope, we do not put up with that over here. We do not behave like this over here. I know you don’t like going over there. You need to journal this out, you know, that kind of thing.
See, this is why I hate the family system because the kids feel unempowered, they do. And, and there’s so little they’re so young. They don’t have the cognitive ability to go Oh, ego defense mechanism. I’m taking out what I really feel about mom or dad over on the sane parent over here. You know, so they can’t, they can’t quite put it together. So you’re going to have to help them. This is what I’m saying is if you’re having to share custody, get them into a damn good trauma therapist. Hard to do especially when you’ve got a parent that’s like no therapy because they don’t want eyes on the situation clearly. So uh, Okay, hold on. Let’s see if that answered that question. Um, okay, so helping them not pick up, fleas. Every time a behavior happens, that is inappropriate you correct them. Yes, I know you do this over your other parent’s house that is not going to fly over here. Here are rules there are their rules, you know, and you just correct them. And it’s like, you don’t want to behave like that. And you cannot allow the child to what’s the word I’m looking for? Kids will learn very quickly to play both ends off the middle. So they will act out to the sane parents tell them that hate them, tell them that they’re awful. How dare you have rules? This parent doesn’t have any rules, how dare you. And you just sit them down and go, you’re allowed to have your emotions however, you need to think about who are you really angry at. And give them an opportunity to journal. And we don’t behave this way over here. And you will not talk to me that way and then have consequences seriously, you know, it’s like, don’t allow them to hold you hostage. And don’t be afraid of them hating you. Because the abuser is pushing that one, bad mouthing you the whole time over there, two to that fear of losing them, or of losing their love is going to cause you to make some really dumb mistakes. Want to keep them so you’re like grasping at them like sand. And instead of grasping at them like sand, you’ve got to hold them like sand in your hand. Because if you grasp that sand, it’s going to slip through your fingers. If you just hold them like this, hold them accountable, hold them with love, hold them with trust, hold them with… do you see where I’m going with that? And all of that sand is not going to go away. But if you’re gripping like that, oh yeah, it’s going to slip through your fingers. And that’s exactly what the abuser wants. The abuser wants you to be fear based. The abuser wants you to do everything you do out of fear. Because if you’re fearful, you’re going to give them everything. If you’re fearful, you’re going to do things that you would not otherwise do out of fear that you’re going to lose your child. Do not make decisions out of fear… seriously. That’s why if you can get to a good trauma therapist, if you’re in the middle of a high contest, highly contested divorce, get to a good trauma therapist to help keep you on an even keel so you don’t start making decisions based in fear. And it’s frustrating because for therapists because people will come and we’ll say hey, don’t do this. Don’t give this concession to them because this is what’s going to happen. But I’m going to lose my child if I don’t no Sweetie, you’re not because honestly, the way it’s set up right now. Judges are 50/50 they are loath to take full custody unless there’s abuse or neglect going on provable, like DCS is involved with that whole thing. So, they give in and they give in and they give in and then there’s no rights. They’re not seeing their kid and it’s like you cannot make decisions based out of fear. You cannot seriously. Get with a good trauma therapist. Make sure you have somebody who understands dealing with a high conflict divorce that can help you manage mitigate your fear so that your decisions are solidly based. Laurie Hellis’ book, The No Nonsense Guide to Divorce great book highly recommended it demystifies the legal profession and demystifies exactly what happens during a divorce because I don’t think people really understand how foreign the courtroom really is. It does not work the way you think it should. So, it’s good to get a really good solid base of what is going on what is happening etc. etc. etc. Okay, let’s see what else do we have?
Why shouldn’t I send a letter I think will make me feel better. Oh Lord, no. Now, now. Sweet. Listen to me now believe me later. angry letters are best for you. There is not an enlightenment stick big enough to whap those idiots upside their head to make them understand what they’ve done. First of all, they don’t care, second of all it will give them pleasure knowing that they’ve hurt you. Do not hand them ammunition. Don’t! The best the best revenge you can give to a narcissist if you can, absolutely no contact and they never enter your thoughts again. Seriously. So, the angry letters when you write and burn angry letters. This is what I often recommend. When you write and burn angry letters, you do it in no uncertain terms. The Good, the Bad, the Ugly, the horrific, unforgivable at the very, very end, take your power back. You know what, you did all this stuff to me? Guess what? I’m in therapy. I am working on my self-esteem. I’m working on my boundaries. I am living my best life. I’m going to go out in public, I’m going to take myself out to lunch by myself, I don’t care if I had a stain on my shirt. I don’t care if it’s a very old shirt. I’m wearing it, you know, and I’m going to go do what I want to do. And guess what? This is, this is it, we are done. I am done with you. Be Gone. Be Gone, you know, and then take it out to the barbecue and burn it! Sending it is not going to achieve what you think it’s going to achieve. If you leaving was not enough of a wakeup call for them to figure it the bleep out. You’re sending a letter all that’s going to do is they’re going to get it and they’re going to go Oh, goody, game on, and then you’re going to get a letter back from them.
So let me put it to you this way. My dad divorced his first wife was married to my mom for 45 years. They divorced Lord 47/48 years, probably by the time he died, they sent letters back and forth to each other every week. Every week recrimination, recrimination, recrimination, recrimination, recrimination. recriminate it never stopped, the week he died, we got a letter from his ex-wife, and I’m just like, Are you effing kidding me? So, all it’s going to do is give them fuel for the fire, the best thing to do is to put them in your rearview mirror and never think of them again. And the angry letter is for you to get out all of the stuff that they did. It’s two part here. It’s kind of like validation that yes, this happened. Yes, I was hurt. Yes, I was harmed. And this is goodbye. This is it. This is we’re done. Stick a fork in me. I’m done. You know what I’m saying? It’s like not answering not going to pick up the Hoover not going to talk to you not and you just burn it and you let it go. Narcissists will Hoover, it can take 20 years, but they’ll do it guarantee that at some point in time, they’ll run out of people to use, and they will circle back around. That’s why you’re doing a letter is to remind yourself what you went through the your emotions are valid, that there are POS and you don’t ever need to talk to them again, buh bye, buh bye now! Go pound sand! Buh bye! So it’s not going to get you what you want. They’re going to use whatever you say in that letter, and then it’s just going to start. And that’s what they want. They want the anger, they do! Anger is the only emotion they understand. Because they do that really well. So, if they can hook you and get you to keep going back and forth with them. That’s narcissistic supply, cut them off at their knees, cut them off at their knees. Do not give them anything. All right let’s see here.
Um, being so aware of narcissist or unconscious people seems most people are in these categories. How do we make friends with healthy people? I’m a single mom. And too many of my peers don’t make good choices. Well, it’s going to take discernment. It is it is going to Oh dear, I keep getting a thing saying that our connection is unstable. Hmm. Okay. It’s going to take discernment, and it’s going to take practice, you know, what you’re going to want to do is you’re going to want to have a list of deal breakers. That is a really good thing to do is a list of deal breakers. So, you just write out, you know what you won’t put up with? And yeah, there’s going to be a lot of things that you will not put up with because you shouldn’t put up with disrespect, name calling, bad choices, lots of drama. No, don’t need that. Chaos. No, I don’t need that either. So um, yeah. Do a list of deal breakers. Does it take time to find a good set of friends? Yeah, it does. And you’re going to have to wade through a lot of them because remember, 35 to 45% of the population is disordered because they’d been raised by disordered parents themselves. And they haven’t sought help. So yeah, if somebody’s working on themselves, then that’s great. You can probably do that. But if they aren’t, No way, man. No way. So okay, let’s see. How are we doing? Is that it? That is, it. Alright guys, go have a great week. And I will talk to you later. Bye.
Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.
You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.