We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez

09-18-2022 Procrastination
In this episode of We Need To Talk With Kris Godinez, Kris discusses why we procrastinate, what purpose it serves and how to break the habit of putting things off.

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA, or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. Ph.D. level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Okay, hi, everybody.

All right. So, current events. Irene Gawka, is still missing in Gillette, Wyoming. If anybody has any information on that, please contact the Gillette Wyoming police, they are looking at a person of interest. They are now looking for a 55 gallon barrel that they think that the person of interest might have used to dispose of her body so they are looking for that barrel. If you know anything, please contact the Gillette Wyoming police department. So there that is.

Okay, let’s dive into today’s question or today’s topic. So, a lot of people have been writing in and going, I’m procrastinating like crazy. I’m not doing what I should be doing. What the heck is going on? Why am I doing that? Well, okay, let’s talk about procrastination. Is it self-sabotage? Yeah. Is it a trauma response? Absolutely. Is it based in fear? You betcha.

So, let’s talk about these different, different things that are going on. So how to break this down. So, let’s talk about family of origin and abusers and things like that. So, when we are with somebody who is an abuser, they force us to be perfect. So, we get this perfectionism thing going on, we get this, I have to be perfect. I have to do this perfectly. It has to be perfect, because otherwise the abuser is gonna march in and be like, “Oh, you made a mistake, grrrrrrrr!” and they’re gonna, like, rub your nose in it. So what that does to a little kid, or even an adult is that we quickly learned, oh, I can’t make mistakes. I can’t, no, it has to be perfect. I have to do this perfectly. And so when we get that perfectionism going, we then get analysis, paralysis, that’s part of procrastination is not all of it, but it’s part of it, where we just go, Oh, I can’t do it perfectly, therefore, I’m not going to do it at all. Because the fear of doing it not perfectly, is greater than not doing it at all. And it’s kind of that avoidance thing, you know, how we talked about avoidance, because, you know, we’re avoiding because we don’t want to be punished. And we don’t want to be harmed, and we don’t want to be hurt. And we don’t want the abuser to make us wrong or hurt us for not doing it to their standards. Right?

So the abuser. I just… some of the stories I have been hearing lately, it just oh, it makes my head hurt. They’ll tell the kid to clean the bathroom, for example, or the kitchen or the garage or whatever. And if the child doesn’t do it, “right”, they then punish them physically using the cleaning products.

Kris Godinez  04:12

Don’t get me started I just that I really wish this country had stronger laws about child abuse. I really do. And I really wish that there wasn’t this stigma about reporting it, you know that, you know, the parents, whichever ones were not immediately accused of making things up. But then again, you have the whole parental alienation thing where sometimes the abuser makes stuff up, so it just makes my head hurt. It makes my head hurt.

So anyway, um, so we quickly learned it’s not okay, it’s not okay to not do it perfectly. It’s not okay to not do it up to the abuser’s weird standard. And here’s the crazy thing. And I think this is where a lot of us get messed up with this is that the abuser will be okay with it one time but come back, and we will have cleaned it the exact same way, and they’ll go not good enough. And then they’ll find some excuse to physically, emotionally punish. So, it’s part of where that’s a trauma response, not doing things is a trauma response because of what has happened in the past when we got punished. So, you know, it’s something to think about. And this is something to, I think, really get with a good trauma therapist, you want to work with a trauma therapist on this, this is a trauma response, especially if it’s based in perfectionism, and especially if it’s based in “Oh, my God, not good enough. Oh, my God, what if it’s not perfect? Oh, my God”, you know. So it’s also a form of self sabotage.

So, this is who is also interconnected, it’s not even funny. So, if we have a family of origin that is disordered, abusive, harmful, hurtful, toxic, etc. If the child out shown them, they would also get punished. It’s a no-win situation. So, it’s kind of like you do a great job, you get the recognition for it. And they come unglued, because you’ve stolen their thunder, in their crazy heads. Or you get this, what’s the word I’m looking for? You basically you lie to yourself, and you go, “Oh, I do better under pressure. Oh, I do better if I have, you know, this deadline, I just wait until the very last minute.” Well study after study after study shows that that’s not true. And what it does do is, excuse me, health conditions, it creates hypertension, heart disease, etc, etc, etc. So, um, yeah, so it’s, it’s this, it’s this damned if you do and damned if you don’t kind of thing. If you outshine them and you do it, you get it done in time. And you get praise from your, your teachers or, or your boss or whatever, then the partner or the family of origin has a fit and punishes you for being on time.

So, so we get all of these weird mistaken thoughts and these weird mistaken beliefs. And there’s a lot of magic thinking around it, especially if we developed the procrastination as children. So again, this goes back to inner child, what are your inner child’s beliefs? What are the mistaken thoughts? What are the mistaken beliefs? What is that inner child say to you, when you’ve got a deadline? And it’s going “Oh, no, no, we don’t need to do that right now. No, that’s too painful. We’ll just push it off. No, it’s too scary. We’ll just push it off.” So again, it’s inner child work. Inner Child workbook, either by Katherine Taylor or by Luccia Cappachione. What is that about? Where did you learn to push things off? Now, fear. Fear is a huge obstacle, huge obstacle, when we are dealing with PTSD, see PTSD, etc, etc, etc. It stops us literally in our tracks. How many times have you gone right up to the edge and then you pull back? How many times have you, you know, do this and you pull back how many times and then, then when you really look at it, you’re like, wow, why? Why am I doing that? What am I afraid of? And then when I start working with my clients, and we start digging into that fear, it’s always goes back to an inner child fear is a very, very itty bitty person fear. It’s a little kid fear and doesn’t invalidate it. But it just means that you have got to work on that trauma, you have got to work on that fear. Fear is what stops us. Absolutely. Fear is what stops us with everything. I mean, when you think about it, when people say, Oh, this is why I didn’t do this, well, why? Well I was afraid of and then fill in the blank. So, fear is what stops us from doing a lot of things. Not just trauma survivors, but regular old people too.

So, it’s really it’s managing the fear and it’s acknowledging the fear and it’s going back working through the inner child going through the inner child workbook, figuring out when did I start procrastinating? When did I become a perfectionist? When did this happen? How old was I? Why did I become a perfectionist? Why did this happen? So, it’s really important to go back through and dig through and figure out where this all came from CPTSD from surviving to thriving Pete Walker, inner child workbook Luccia Cappachione or Katherine Taylor. Either one, I don’t care, get it work it or whatever one works for you. I don’t care, get it, work it. This is the stuff that needs to be dealt with and the avoidance. So again, the avoidance What are you avoiding? So, you know, some people avoid things because of the big emotions.

Kris Godinez  10:03

So again, little ones are the ones that have a hard time with big emotions. If you are dealing with something that has got big emotions around it, that’s probably the inner child is the one that’s having a hard time coping with the big emotions because, think about it. When we were raised in the abusive household or the toxic household or the disordered household, however you want to put it, emotions were not allowed, and emotions were not okay. The only emotion you could express was one of the narcissist or the abuser was okay with. And that usually was like, nothing, they didn’t want to be bothered, you know, it was okay, if you were happy, not too happy. See where I’m going with that? Certainly not okay to have anger, certainly not okay to be afraid, certainly not okay to have sadness. Because whay would they do all give you something to be sad about, I’ll give you something to be angry about. I’ll give you something to be afraid of, you know, they don’t allow little kids to have the big emotions and experience them and know how to cope with them. So really, for us going through and surviving that and surviving a romantic relationship or friendship or work situation. Our task is to go back through and help comfort that inner child and let that little one, express all the big emotions and be okay with it and be safe with it.

So, procrastination is an avoidance of pain. Procrastination is an avoidance of feeling scared or feeling angry or feeling sad, or, you know, fear of not being perfect, fear. Do you see where I’m going with that? It’s like, Okay, guess what? So, all of the emotions are good emotions, even anger, even sadness, anger is there to show us where we’ve been hurt. That’s what anger is about. Anger is the bodyguard of the softer emotions. And a lot of people are like, “Oh, no, I don’t want to feel I don’t want to feel I don’t want to feel.” You’re human. You’re going to feel. The ones who don’t feel are the psychopaths, you don’t want to be that. So, you want to be able to feel, you want to be able to allow you want to make yourself safe and be allowed to have anger. Okay, what’s underneath the anger? Hurt. So where did you get hurt? You know, what happened? What’s, what’s the softer emotion that’s underneath the anger. And usually, it’s again, fear. It’s the fear of being hurt. It’s the fear of whatever is going on. And so people get angry, so people don’t hurt them. Which doesn’t work, by the way. So, you know, so it’s really important to identify what are you procrastinating about? That’s going to tell you a lot. Okay, what specific? What specific area are you procrastinating on? What are you constantly avoiding? Why? What’s the fear? What is the little kid inside telling you? What are they trying to avoid? What are they trying to get away from? What is making them uncomfortable? And that’s why it’s really, really important to comfort the inner child and have chats with them. Hey, little one, it’s okay to have big emotions about this. This is scary.

So, for example, writing the letters writing and burning the letters, sometimes I’ll have clients come in, and they will absolutely not want to write the letters. “No, no, no, no, no, I don’t want to do it. It’ll make it real.” Yeah, it does make it real. And that’s why you need to write the letters. And, again, it’s hard. Because once we allow ourselves to start processing those emotions and start feeling the feelings, there’s no going back. And I think there’s a part of the inner child that kind of knows that. And it’s that fear of letting go. It’s that fear of, “Whoa, now I really have to deal with this. Now I really have to process this, now I really have to…” fill in the blank. So, it’s, it’s really important to comfort the inner child as you’re going through all of these ways that you’ve been procrastinating. Who, how, where, what, why? That’s what you want to ask yourself, what is the… what is the subject of the procrastination? What are the lies that I tell myself about the procrastination because that’s important too. Because remember, it’s that magic thinking that little kids have. “Oh, I work better under pressure.” No, you really don’t. So, you know, what are the…what is the what’s going on? What is the subject I’m trying to avoid? Why am I trying to avoid it? Who made it unsafe for me to deal with this? How can I help myself move forward?

Kris Godinez  14:50

So, I wanted to read thing on psychology today. Let me see if I can find it. Hold on just a second. Okay, So Psychology Today, alright, procrastination. Everyone puts things off sometimes, but procrastination chronically avoids… a procrastinator chronically avoids difficult tasks. Now, this is on psychology today. And it’s just titled procrastination. Okay, “I don’t feel like it” comes to take precedence over their goals and over their responsibilities and can set them on a downward spiral of negative emotions that further deter future efforts. So, it is self-sabotaging. Because what do we do? We procrastinate, we don’t get things done. And then we beat the living crap out of ourselves. Who that’s not good. You don’t want to do that. So, procrastination is almost a form of self-punishment. And it’s not good. And it’s learned, it’s learned, we learn it from the situation with the disordered family or the disordered lover or the disordered boss or the disordered whatever. So, it’s, you know, we don’t do it, we missed the deadline, we don’t get it done. And then we start telling stories about how horrible we are, and how stupid we are. And you’re this, you’re lazy, you’re that you’re this and next thing you know, you feel like crap. How you say things to yourself matters. So don’t beat yourself up when a procrastination event happens, what you have to do is figure out the who, what, when, where, how, why, and then come up with a plan because that’s what good therapists would do.

To help get over that hump and get through the procrastination to get this goal done. Sometimes it’s filing the divorce papers. Sometimes it’s packing up and leaving. Sometimes it’s dealing with bank issues. Sometimes it’s dealing with the debt. Sometimes it’s dealing with, you know, whatever uncomfortable topic. So, it’s really important to work through that figured out the who, what, when, where, how, why, and start processing. Procrastinators also involve a degree of self-deception. At some level, procrastinators are aware of their actions and consequences. But changing their habits in their minds requires greater effort that actually completing the task in front of them. So, what we tend to do, and this is why I keep saying how you think it is vitally important to how it turns out, because if you tell yourself, “Ah, cleaning the house is gonna be awful.” Well, guess what? Your subconscious is sitting there listening, and it goes, “Okay! She wants it to be awful. Let’s make it miserable guys, okay? Okay, fabulous.” Seriously, and our emotions go down that track. So how you say things, how you think things the subconscious listens to and sets about to make it happen, so that you can stop worrying about it. And you don’t want to create bad days. So it’s the same thing as okay. You wake up in the morning and you say, oh, today is gonna suck, and then it does.

Why? Because you told yourself today was gonna suck and your subconscious went, okay. She wants it to suck kids. Let’s make it a sucky day. It’s just gonna be sucky. Okay. Okay. Everything’s gonna be miserable. Yeah, nothing’s gonna be right. No, absolutely. Nothing’s gonna be right. Do you see where I’m going with that? So, but if you wake up in the morning, and you go, I am going to allow myself to have a good day. The subconscious goes, “Oh, she wants a good day. Okay. Okay, we can do that. Alright, let’s, let’s make it a good day. Okay. Yeah, yeah, everything’s gonna be okay. Yeah, it’s good.”

Kris Godinez  18:41

Do you see where I’m going with that? So how we say things is how it turns out. And I’ll give the example of the actor I worked with an actor that was terrified of falling on stage, I’m gonna trip I’m gonna fall I’m gonna do this and to do that, blah, blah, blah. If you keep thinking that you’re going to, he did. And it was because that’s what he was focused on. It’s like driving, wherever your eyes go, the cars gonna go wherever your brain goes, the emotions are gonna go, same concept. So okay, so what we tell ourselves about the task at hand, really does affect it now.

Do I like cleaning toilets? No, it’s not my favorite. But, I will go you know what, it’s going to smell wonderful. When I’m done. It’s going to be nice and clean. It’s going to be fabulous. I’m gonna put on some music and I’m gonna enjoy myself. And then I clean the toilet, and it’s done. And it’s fabulous. And it smells wonderful. And yeah, and it wasn’t this. How to explain this slogging through molasses to get the toilet clean. But that’s what we do to ourselves is that we tell ourselves, “Oh, it’s gonna be horrible. Oh, it’s gonna be awful.” So, I’ll have clients come in and sit down. And they’ll say, oh, this homework assignment it’s gonna be hard…..stop. Will it be a challenge? Yes, it may be challenging isn’t going to be hard only if you say so. And they’ll kind of look at me and be like, what? And I’ll be like, how you say it is how it turns out how you say it, is what our subconscious sets about to make happen. So you must be meticulous in your thoughts and words. I know. And really be aware of what you’re saying to yourself and how you are saying it to yourself. It doesn’t need to be difficult. But for some reason, in our little inner child mind, it’s like, no, it has to be difficult. Well, why? Because everything with the abuser was difficult, I guarantee it. If there’s an easy road and a hard road, the abuser will always take the hard road, they’ll always make it as dramatic and chaotic, and horrible and awful as they possibly can. And so we grow up thinking everything has to be difficult, it does not always have to be difficult. It doesn’t. It doesn’t need to be difficult.

You know, it’s not necessarily going to be easy, either. But it doesn’t need to be miserable, either. Do you see where I’m going with that? So, you really want to start working on changing your thoughts? How are you thinking about things? Especially the things you procrastinate on? What is the fear? Can you calm the fear down? Can you comfort the inner child? Can you change your thoughts about it? Can you make it a little bit more enjoyable or less anxiety producing or less miserable, or whatever, you know, now, there are some things that are just never going to be fun, like cleaning the toilet, but you do what you can to mitigate it, put on some great music, you know, get a new cleaning thing, you know, sing while you’re doing it. Think of poetry while you’re doing it. You know, it’s like it doesn’t have to be miserable. It doesn’t, it doesn’t I give you permission to have cleaning days that are not miserable. I hate to give you permission to have things not be miserable. It’s okay. You’ve got to tell yourself that because we’ve heard that, you know, it needs to be difficult that quite chaos drama so much. That is really a hard habit to break. But it’s not impossible. So you want to break that habit. And you can, you can, so you want to work on going okay, habit, I hear you I see you I am not playing.

Kris Godinez  22:21

I’m not playing and it’s going to take more than a one and done you’re gonna have to do that probably every single time you go to do that task that you have been procrastinating on because the automatic thoughts, the knee jerk reaction is to procrastinate and to tell yourself all sorts of stories about how horrible it’s going to be. So you’re going to have to change that you’re going to have to change that. Okay, let’s get back to the to the article here. Um, okay, so it involves self deception, deception, we talked about that.

Procrastinators are often perfectionists for whom it may be psychologically more acceptable to never tackle the job analysis paralysis, than to face the possibility of not doing it well. They may be so highly concerned about what others think of them that they put their futures at risk to avoid judgment. Okay. So for this, you are literally what other people think is none of my business, you’re literally going to have to tell yourself that I don’t care what other people think if this isn’t good enough for them, they can go pound sand, seriously, like and you’re going to have to do that because abusers will be like, it’s not good enough. It’s not good enough. If it’s a boss, you do it to the best of your ability. And if they don’t like it, start looking for a new job.

Seriously, I’m you know, I’m so done with these jackwagon bosses that are like so good. And if so I can do it’s not good enough. And yet, they’ll let their little golden children get away with murder. And I’m like, you know, what, just know get a new job. No, no, sorry. You know, and it’s the same thing with families. They’ll let the golden child get away with murder. And then they’ll tell the kid that’s actually doing all the work not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good. You know what, if this is not good enough for you? Then I don’t need to be around you. Buh, bye. Buh, bye now. Goodbye, go pound sand. Goodbye. Do you see where I’m going with that? So, it’s… what other people think is really none of our business. And especially if it’s something that’s not impacting other people so much.

So, say for example, okay, so one of the things I’ve heard, when people are leaving abuse, oh, my gosh, I’m terrified that I didn’t do everything right in the court documents. Okay, get a consultation, or go to Fresh Start Women’s Resource Center and go consult with somebody for 15 bucks, and make sure that the paperwork is good, and then turn it in. And really, then the more as we talk. It turns out that that’s just an excuse because they’re afraid of turning it in. And then we got to deal with the fear. Do you see where I’m going with that? Who, what, where, how, why. What’s really underneath the procrastination, what’s really going on? Nine times out of 10 It’s fear, fear of being judged, fear being wrong, you know, fear of having it be real, fear of actually leaving and doing things on your own, fear of, you know, there’s all sorts of stuff going on. It is usually fear based. Okay? Um

Kris Godinez  25:24

Okay, why do I procrastinate. Procrastination is driven by a variety of thoughts and habits, that fundamentally we avoid tasks or put them off because we do not believe we’ll enjoy doing them. Yeah. And we want to avoid making ourselves unhappy, or we fear that we won’t do them well. People may also procrastinate when they are confused by the complexity of a task such as filing taxes, or when they’re overly distracted or fatigued. So again, you want to check in how are you feeling? Are you doing self-care? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you putting things off because you’re not taking care of yourself, and you just don’t have the energy? You know. So it’s really important. It’s like, we are not separate. Our bodies are not separate from our minds, our minds are not separate from our bodies, you must take care of the whole organism, you’ve got to take care of Mind Body Spirit, you know, make sure you’re okay, make sure you’re getting enough water, make sure you’re eating healthy, make sure you’re getting enough sleep, leaving abuse takes a huge amount of energy, mental energy planning, all of that stuff, you know, making sure you’re okay making sure the kids are okay getting help for yourself getting help for your kids. You’ve got to do self-care. And sometimes the procrastination is the codependency.

Okay, who, what, when, where, how, why? Because we put ourselves on the back burner, we have been taking care of ourselves, and we just don’t have the energy to do whatever it is that needs to be done. So that’s why you want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself through this whole process. Okay, hold on. What are the psychological roots of procrastination psychologists have identified various drivers of procrastination from low self-confidence to anxiety, a lack of structure, and simply an inability to motivate oneself to complete unpleasant tasks. Research has also shown that procrastination is closely linked to rumination or becoming fixated on negative thoughts. So, it’s just like what I was saying. It’s like if you turn your eyes, if you’re driving your eyes go that way. Your car’s gonna go that way. You see where I’m going with that? Same thing with the thoughts. If your thoughts start circling the drain, you’re gonna start circling the drain, you must be meticulous in what you were thinking, what you’re saying to yourself. Okay, hold on, are we doing on time? Okay?

Does it serve a purpose? Procrastination is a self-defeating behavior pattern, but it can be seen as serving a psychological purpose, especially for people with perfectionistic tendencies. By protecting the individual against the fear of failure, judgment by others, or self-condemnation. Avoiding unpleasant tasks by devoting energy to other tasks, like organizing or cleaning also helps procrastinators avoid feeling unproductive. So, for example, a lot of clients will come in and say, Okay, I’m gonna go do this. And then when we meet the next time, they’re like, Well, I started this over here. And then I thought, well, since my hands are dirty, I might as well go into the garden and do this. And then once I did that, I realized I needed to come back into the house and clean this. And so they’ll, they’ll, they’ll fill it with other things that do need to be done. But again, it’s avoiding the one thing that really needs to be done. So again, who, what, when, where, how, why? What are you avoiding? Why are you avoiding it? Who does it remind you of? What are you feeling? What are you thinking? Do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, so just because you’re, you’re filling your time with other things, you still want to take a look at what you’re avoiding? What what are you avoiding doing? Why are you now suddenly cleaning the entire house when the taxes need to be done? Or why are you doing this over here when the paperwork needs to be filed? You know, to see where I’m going with that.

Kris Godinez  29:17

Okay, um, all right. Why are we so sure that we’ll actually do something later, predicting how we’ll feel in the future is known as effective forecasting. And people tend to be fairly bad at it. For example, procrastinators may feel bad about not having exercise today, but they may raise their mood by predicting that they’ll do it tomorrow. Thus, they avoid feeling negative emotions in the moment but, the cycle is likely to repeat. So, for me, when I realized that I have not done something, I put it off, I will get up and go do it. Like seriously, like, seriously, because doing this future predicting Oh, I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll do that. It’s kind of like people who make list and they don’t get all of the things on the list done. And then they beat themselves up for not getting all the things on the list and instead of going, okay, and moving this over to tomorrow’s list, those are the first two ones on the list I’ll do those two first. You know, it’s always that negative, negative, negative, negative, negative. So this is a learned behavior.

So, it’s important to if you do, do lists that you build in time, for a little bit of procrastination, tiny little bit tiny, like 10-15 minutes, max, and then you get right back to doing what you were doing. Or if you do a list, you make sure that you don’t beat yourself up and you don’t have a list that’s a million miles long. You want to do a list that’s maybe three things, you finish those three things, great, do another three things. Make it winnable, make it attainable, make it pleasant, make it fun, make it a win for you. narcissists are all about everyone around them losing in them winning. How about you get yourself a win? So, the win would be three things on your list. You do those great, fantastic, even if you do only one of them. Great, fantastic. I’ll do the other two tomorrow. Okay. But then do make sure you do that. That’s the thing. You can’t just keep going. Oh, I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll do it tomorrow. After all. Tomorrow’s another day. I always hated that That movie is the worst movie ever on the face of the planet. So thank you, Andrea.

So okay, who’s most likely to procrastinate? People who procrastinate hold different values than people who do not in studies, procrastinators reported valuing personal enjoyment over more highly than others do and valuing. Sorry, let me try that sentence again. People who procrastinate research finds may hold different values than people who do not. In studies, procrastinators report valuing personal enjoyment more highly than others do and valuing a strong work ethic less and more likely to complete tasks they feel are important to them personally, than those that are assigned to them. I don’t know I think I’m going to disagree with that. Because really, when you think about it, getting divorce paperwork done is important personally, and I don’t think that they have a less work ethic. Some of the hardest working people I know are the single moms and dads that are dealing with abusers. So I’m gonna contest that I’m gonna say no, I don’t agree with that.

Consequences of procrastination. Procrastination may relieve pressure in the moment, but it can have steep emotional, physical and practical costs. Students who routine we law students who routinely procrastinate tend to get lower grades. Workers who procrastinate produce lower quality work and in general, habitual procrastination can experience. procrastinators can experience reduced wellbeing in the form of insomnia or immune system or gastrointestinal disturbances, which are all things that people that are going through abuse have. Procrastination can also jeopardize both personal and professional relationships. Is it bad for your health? Yes, you are at a higher risk for hypertension and cardiovascular disease. They tend to engage in more self-blame and disengage from wellness advice suggesting that cultivating greater self-compassion could help such individuals begin taking better care of themselves. Self-compassion Radical Self forgiveness by Collin Tipping so many times survivors of abuse beat the living crap out of the cells. Why didn’t I leave sooner? Why didn’t I do this? Why didn’t I should have done this I could have done that I wouldn’t if you hear, if you hear yourself doing this should have, coulda, woulda that’s mental musturbation. It’s a mind thing. Don’t do it. It’s not good for you. It’s it’s it’s it’s it’s you’re shoulding all over yourself. The second you hear, should have could have woulda… Nope. I’m shoulding all over myself. I am not going to do that. Stop. Do engage in self-care. Do you engage in taking care of you, that’s what you want to do.

Kris Godinez  33:53

Okay, is there a link between procrastination and depression? Yes. What’s the point thinking becomes the main thought you want to work on it with working on the mistaken thoughts working on the mistaken beliefs how to beat procrastination. Okay, here we go. And I will get to the questions. It takes effort to change behavior but it’s not impossible. You want it maybe engage in in cognitive behavioral therapy where they address the mistaken thoughts and the mistaken beliefs. studies based on the procrastination at work scale, which identifies 12 common forms of workplace procrastination have highlighted some potential solutions, such as adopting a timeline that builds in time for delay but not too much.

Making a personal challenge out of mundane tasks. Now, that’s something I do a lot. It’s like, I’ll set a timer and go, can I get it done in 15 minutes? Can I get it? Can I do really good job? In 20 minutes, can I you know, whatever. You make it fun, you make it a game, you know? Or if you’re listening to music, if you’re doing stuff to music, can I get this done before the end of the song? Can I you know, Can I hit the kitchen before you know the album is done or you know, whatever. So, you make it a game, you make it fun! You do ways to find the fun in it. I know. It’s weird. But yeah. You change the mindset, developing empathy for one’s future self…compassion, as what as one would a close friend or child can be an important first step in ending the habit because we’re less willing to put a good friend in such a disadvantaged position. Again, if you were your own child, treat yourself as if you were your own child or your own best friend. You know, would you allow a good friend or your child to sit there and beat themselves up? No, you wouldn’t. So don’t do that with you. There aren’t 100,000 million people that want to kick your ass! Don’t you be one of them! Seriously.

So you’ve got to treat yourself with kindness and compassion and gentle and curiosity. Like really, this whole therapy journey is all about curiosity, the who, the what, the when, the where, the why, the how, you know, it’s like, get curious, and it’s okay to have that childlike kind of, “Oh, wonder why I’m doing that?” You know what I mean? It’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t do it! Not allowed. No, no, no more. Don’t do that. No beating yourself up. How can I stop putting off important decisions? Many procrastinators struggle to make important decisions like filing for divorce, in part because they’re not making a choice absolves them of responsibility for the outcome. And a lot of times we’re afraid of making the wrong choice. It’s what if I’m making the wrong choice? What if it’s the wrong thing, but that’s when you got to go back through your list of deal breakers. And that’s when you got to go back through your list of everything that person has done to you. And how many deal breakers did they break? There’s your answer, it’s not the wrong choice. Sometimes people simply become so exhausted from making decisions that it seems impossible to make even relatively unimportant ones.

Research suggests that sticking to a personal set of decision making rules, or outsourcing some decisions to a partner, friend, coworker may help overcome decision fatigue. You know, and of course, if you’re in an abusive relationship, you don’t have that partner to bounce things off of. So, but that’s when you’ve got to find a support group. That’s what it’s important to get a therapist. That’s what it’s important to reach out and get help. It’s okay. So okay, to recap here. Procrastination is based in fear, it’s part of PTSD, CPTSD, it is a trauma response. It is a bad habit. It is something we’ve learned, it’s something that has been indoctrinated in us because we had to be perfect if we’re perfectionist or we’re afraid of making the wrong choice, excuse me, or whatever. So it’s really important to work on self-esteem. Work on your list of deal breakers, write out everything that happened. Remind yourself of what happened. You’re not wrong, okay?

Kris Godinez  38:35

Give your set yourself winnable goals like little, like, two or three things on a list. Do that. Great! You did it! Now you can do two or three things tomorrow. Great, perfect. build in some time, you know, but not too much time. Be aware of the self-deception be aware of the “Oh, it’ll be okay. I’ll do it tomorrow.” No, get up and do it now. Absolutely. So, like if I realized I have not stood up and walked around and worked out or moved or whatever from my desk. It’s like oh, okay, that’s part of the reason why I got the watch because every hour it’ll be like okay, no, thank you. I’m not talking to you. Thank you get you know, get up walk you know, go do something. So, you know things little things to help you absolutely. And the biggest thing is self-compassion. Radical Self-Forgiveness Colin Tipping gentle with you all of these jerks in your life that have been abusive. You don’t need that from you. You don’t need that from them either. But you don’t need that from you. Can procrastination be overcome? Absolutely. Absolutely. That’s the good news.

Work on the thoughts work on the beliefs the who, what, when, where, how, why. Good with a good trauma therapist, work the workbooks love that inner child like nobody’s business, give the inner child the confidence to do what they need to do and to not care what other people think it doesn’t matter what other people think other people can go pouncing Seriously. So there is that. I hope that helped. Now let’s get to the questions. Okay, hold on. Let me get over here. And let me make this bigger so I can see it. Oh my god. Come on, there we go.

Is it common? That the narcissistic victims are afraid of doing something they enjoy? Because they feel they’re not allowed to? Yes. Oh my god. Yes, I can, Lord. So narcissists are selfish. Every single four letter words you can think of. And they are petty and jealous, and they are emotionally operating on that maybe, a two year old on a good day if the wind is blowing in the right direction. So, if the target of abuse is doing something that they enjoy, or is buying themselves something, the abuser will come in and be like, well, how can you get to do this? How can you get to have that? How come I don’t have you’re an adult, go buy yourself one. Hello, you know, this is for me, you know. So they’ll do that they’ll they’ll be angry that you’ve done something for yourself, or that you’ve bought something for yourself? Or that you’re doing something for yourself, or you’re enjoying yourself, somehow They’ll ruin it, They’ll ruin it, because it’s not about them, number one, and number two, They’ll ruin it because they don’t feel joy, and how dare you feel joy? How dare you enjoy something when they can’t? Literally, that’s how they think they’re petty. They’re petty, like nobody’s business.

So, it’s kind of like, how do I explain this? It’s like, they’ll get jealous over the weirdest damn things, even if it’s something they’re not interested in. So like, say, for example, you like soccer, and they don’t, but you’re enjoying the game, they’ll get angry that you’re enjoying the game. I just Yeah. So you know, or they’ll, this one happened recently, they’ll come in and complain to the partner, that the partner How dare the partner be successful in their business? How dare you have time to take care of yourself during the day when I don’t? What? I’m sorry, this person has worked their hind end off, to be successful in their business, own their own business and be able to take time off whenever they want or need. So, this is a you problem.

Kris Godinez  42:29

this is not this person’s problem. But they’ll do that they’re petty, and they’re jealous, because they want what you have. You know, they don’t look at all the hard work you put into it. You know that you have your own business and that you’re doing this, you’re doing that? No, they just want to take what you have, and they want to be angry about it. And they don’t want to bother figuring out how they do can have free time, etc. So that is what they do. You know, they they absolutely. And so then when we leave that abusive relationship, and you know, we’ll go to watch soccer game, for example, we’ll feel guilty or we’ll feel weird about it. Because we’re waiting for that other shoe to drop. We’re waiting for that punishment. We’re waiting for that. How dare you enjoy that? How dare you buy that for yourself? How dare you have a job you love? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? Do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, that’s absolutely what they do. And it does take time to get through that weird feeling of guilt. And what you do is you write them a go pound sand letter, dear abuser, go pound sand. You know what? I get to enjoy soccer. I get to have a job where I take time off. I get to buy things for myself. I get to, you know, fill in the blank. But they wanted to make us feel guilty. Absolutely. Because they can’t feel it. And it pisses them off when we feel something that they cannot ever feel. So yeah, they absolutely do that. Second part of that question is my narc mom would often wouldn’t let me do these things because she didn’t want it. Yeah, if they don’t understand it. Again, if it doesn’t affect them directly. If they don’t enjoy it, if they don’t like it, they can’t understand why we would enjoy it. And remember, they want us to be them. They want us to be mini mess like they like football. You like soccer, which is funny because football is soccer in Europe. But you know what? American football, they like American football. We like soccer. They’ll try to get you to like football American football instead of soccer. So because they want us to like everything they like and if we like something they don’t like, well how dare you not be me? How dare you not think what I think How dare you not like what I like? So is that enmeshment? It’s that weird weird enmeshment.

Oh, can you speak a little more about how disordered people punish us for both failure and too much success. Okay, so again, there is no separation between us and the abuser in the abusers mind, we are them. They are us, we are them. And we damn well better act like them, and we better make them look good. And if we fail, we’ve made them look bad. How dare we, okay? Or conversely, they’re just looking for an excuse to punish because their status and they enjoy it or we’ve done well, and they’re angry because we outshone them. So that is something that abusers do because they’re crazy seriously, there’s no winning with them, you cannot win, there’s no winning with them. Too much. Not enough, too much. Not enough, too much not enough. That’s their whole thing. And they’ll punish you for failing, they’ll punish you for succeeding. They’ll punish you for just sitting there. They’ll punish you for having a thought they’ll punish you for the winds blowing, you know if that’s just who they are. So when somebody is punishing somebody, no matter what, get the hell away from them. They’re crazy. They’re toxic, get away, get away. But that’s what they do. And there’s no logic behind it. And I think that’s where a lot of survivors of abuse get really stuck is that they keep looking for the why are they doing this? But why are they doing here’s why they’re doing it. They’re crazy. That’s your answer. They are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. They enjoy it their sadists. They like punishing they like hurting they like harming. So yeah, they’re crazy. It is nothing you did nothing you did. Nothing you did. Absolutely. All right. Let’s go to the next question.

Kris Godinez  46:43

All right, I have been coming out of denial, followed by betrayal by my now no contact brother. When do I know I have felt my feelings enough to start up again? Start what up? Again? I’m not sure I understand the question. So let me try to answer it to the best of my ability because I’m not quite sure what you’re talking about. If you are talking about start up again, start. Okay. Can you tell me more? What do you mean start up again? Do you mean start dating again? So let me answer that question. And if that’s not the right one, then hopefully you’ll type in what you are talking about. And I will be able to answer that. But let me answer this. So okay, when we come out of an abusive relationship, and there has been betrayal, okay, if you’re talking about dating again, you’re not ready to date until you really work on your self-esteem, your boundaries, your list of deal breakers, seriously, like, you need to grieve. You’re going through the grieving process when we leave an abusive relationship, whether that’s a family of origin, a boss, friend, romantic partner, whatever.

Grief takes a year, a normal grief pattern takes a year to go through all the firsts and to process through all of the weirdness. You know, especially with abuse, it’s like, okay, the betrayal, this that, you know, etc, etc, etc, and getting through all the first and the second year, it’s like, okay, now I’m allowing myself to enjoy things that the abuser wouldn’t let me enjoy, right? Because this is complicated grief. This is not normal grief. This is complicated grief, because we’ve got this love hate relationship going on with the abuser. We love them. We hated their behavior. You know, they were abusive, and we love them what the hell. So, we’re dealing with this complicated grief. So we’re dealing with all of these mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs, the things the lies that they said about us. The gaslighting, the cheating, the stealing the, you know, the all of that. So, you got to get through the complicated grief, you got to work through the trauma CPTSD from surviving to thriving P. Walker, get with a good trauma therapist, you’re ready to date. When you know who you are, you’re ready to date when you’ve worked on your self-esteem. You’ve got your boundaries in place, you’ve got your list of deal breakers, and you’re not putting on blinders, when the red flags are looking like a communist parade. Seriously. So that’s the big thing. It’s like write down all the red flags. What were the red flags you ignored? What are red flags of abusers that you need to be watching for and you do so you know and trusting your gut. Are you practicing trusting your gut? Are you working on do you trust what you know that you know? Are you working on your certainty? You know, don’t listen to your head don’t listen to your heart. Listen to your gut. Listen to your gut. So that’s when you know you’re ready to date again is when you’re listening to your gut. Your self-esteem is in place your boundaries are in place you recognize red flags. You can see them coming a mile away. You sidestep them you Don’t even deal with them. You know, you don’t get involved with an abuser, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. That’s when you know you’re ready to date again.

As far as if you mean you’ve been betrayed by the brother and you want to reestablish a relationship with them, I would be very cautious. Why were you betrayed? What What? What was their goal? Who are they siding with? What’s going on? If you are going to have a conversation with them, have it with a therapist, you know, have a third party there that can call them to the carpet if they need to. Be very careful about going to therapy with an abuser. If the brother is an abuser, don’t do it. Just go no contact and stay no contact. Let me make sure I understood that question. I mean, coming out of denial, followed by betrayal by my now no contact brother, when do I know I have felt my feelings enough to start up again.

Kris Godinez  50:54

So I don’t know what you mean by start up again. So, if you could be a little more specific, that would help. But if it is starting up again, with the brother, if they betrayed you, be very cautious. And if you do decide to do a therapy session, make sure it’s with a good DBT therapist, trauma therapist that understands family dynamics, etc. And that is going to be an advocate for you, to keep you safe so that you can bring up the difficult topics or whatever and then trust your gut, don’t allow if this person is continuing to betray you. No. They’re not allowed in your life. Absolutely. So, I don’t know if that answered the question or not. But if you could either put it in the comments, so I can answer the question. Or if you could, I am me on Facebook, so I get a better understanding of what you’re asking. That would be good. Okay. All right.

Um, all right. About how many items would you suggest having on a daily To Do List of work and errands I would say no more than three. Start small. If you can do the three easy, no problem, okay, increase it by one or two. But don’t do a laundry list of oh my god, you know, it’s this mile long, 20 items list. It’s like, start small, give yourself a win. Seriously. So start with three if three is easy, and you get them done. Add two more. Okay, I got the five done. Okay. Add one more. Okay, I got the 6 done. Do you see where I’m going with that? It’s like start small. Give yourself little wins. Give yourself little wins, because God knows. Our abusers love to just take the carpet and rip it out from underneath us. So, give allow yourself to enjoy little wins. So don’t overwhelm yourself with a long laundry list. It’s like, start small and then with if that works out, add more and do more that day. You know, but only go until you want to in that okay, I’ve done six things. I’m tired. Okay, take a break. Pat yourself on the back, take a break, go get some water. Okay, do these things really need to be done today are not? Okay. Yeah, they do. Okay, well, let me go back out and finish them. You know, again, that’s kind of like, if I realize I haven’t finished something that needs to be finished, I’ll get up and go do it. You know, don’t put it off, put it off, put them off, put it off, put it off. And it’s practice. It’s learning a new behavior. It’s learning a good healthy habit. It’s doing something different. And gentle with you.

Compassion is the key. Compassion is the key. Okay, um, is avoiding competition. The same as procrastination? Yeah. Because you’re avoiding not failing. Basically. It depends on what you mean by that. So now, hold on, let’s be clear here. Abusers put everybody in competition with each other. That’s not healthy. That’s not normal. Life is not a competition. Now, if you’re avoiding competition, as in, you’re not doing something because you don’t want to fail, then that’s an issue. Does that make sense? So, like, for example, let’s say you want to do sports, but you’re afraid of failing. Well, okay. You also never give yourself the chance to win if you don’t even try. Does that make sense? So yeah, avoiding things. Let me read that question. Again. Make sure I understood is avoiding competition, the same as procrastination? Yeah, kind of, kind of. So avoidant personality disorder is somebody who chronically avoids everything and their, their world just gets tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny adults miniscule. So you don’t want to do that. So there are going to be instances in life when there are things that are a competition. Absolutely.

But you don’t want it to be a narcissistic competition. So, in other words, narcissists put their kids pit their kids against each other and it’s competition for their attention. So I mean, if it’s that kind of competition, no, you don’t play Absolutely. If it’s like, okay, I’m writing an essay so I can get a grant. Yeah, do it. Absolutely. So, there is that. Oh, my gosh, thank you. Oh, thank you. Um, so where was I going with that? So yeah, I mean, it depends on what the competition is. If it’s if it’s a psychological competition, hell no, don’t play. But if it’s something that you’re wanting to do you know, that you’re afraid because there’s other people doing it will you’ll never win if you don’t even try, you know, so. And here’s the thing. Abusers make us think that failure is the worst thing ever. How dare you fail. But here’s the deal. How do babies learn how to walk?

Kris Godinez  55:44

They fall a lot, sometimes on their heads. Right? So, babies fall, no judgment. They fall, but abusers will judge them, abusers will make them wrong for falling, abusers will put them down and tell them they’re stupid. I’ve seen abusive parents do that. Don’t get me started. So, they make it so that this, you know, failing is somehow a horrible thing. No, you know what failure is? Well, crap that didn’t work. What can I do differently? Okay, so babies learn how to get balance. Thank you very much. By falling by failing, quote, unquote, you know, they fall and then they get back up and THEY GIGGLE which cracks me up, oh, my God. And then they’ll toddle along and then they’ll fall down again, and then they’ll go, Okay, let’s try this, you know, and that’s how they learn. So, we learn from our failures, if you’re smart, seriously, if things don’t work, you kind of go well, crap, that didn’t work. What went wrong? Well, maybe I should do this next time. Okay. Well, let me do that next time. And instead as sitting there judging yourself and beating yourself up Mia culpa, Mia, culpa, mea maxima culpa, I’m a terrible person for failing. No, you’re human.

Kris Godinez  56:59

Okay. What did you learn? What did you learn? What was the learn? What was the lesson? What can you do differently next time? That’s really what a failure is. And I think that is the difference between people who are able to move forward in life and people who are stuck is that instead of getting stuck in all the story that’s going on in the head. “Oh, it means this, it means that you’re a terrible person. You’re a failure. You’re bla bla bla, bla, bla, bla, thank you for your input. Shut the bleep up. Why? Because I say so. No, it means it didn’t work.” And because it’s an and world, it’s my favorite saying it’s an and world. What can I do differently next time? Oh, okay. Well, I will do this differently next time. Okay. And then it works. Do you see where I’m going with that? So, I think you’ve got to change the way you think about failing. It’s not that you want to fail, but what did you learn from it? And what can you do differently next time? And how can you not beat yourself up? You know, how can you reframe that? How can you change what you say to you? So that’s really important.

All right, kids. So that is it I think, let me double check. Hold on. Did I did I get oh, no, wait, there is one more, hang on. I’ve isolated myself in fear. And to feel my feelings from childhood, my brother, not going back. I wonder if I can start life again. Like go out and get a new dog and not focus on what’s coming up. Oh, oh, okay. So that was another question. Okay, I got it. You’ve isolated yourself. Got it! How do you know that you’re feeling okay, starting up again? Starting your life again, living your life. So Okay. Thank you. Thank you for sending that in.

Okay, so quickly, because I’m gonna go over time now. Basically, it’s it’s a little at a time, it’s not like this destination where oh my god, now I can start my life again. It’s like, Okay, I’m coming out of isolation and coming out of denial. I’d like to get a dog I want to I want to go do these things. You do it a little bit at a time get with a good trauma therapist, get with a self-esteem workbook. Get with radical forgiveness, radical acceptance, Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. Radical Forgiveness by Collo, Tipping. Radical Self-forgiveness by Collin Tipping. You do things a little at a time. And you know, pick one, you know, start there. And you just keep going. It’s not like, it’s not like, oh, I have arrived and now my life begins. It’s like, no, your life is still going. And because it’s an and world. And I’m getting a dog, and I’m working on my self-esteem. And I’m seeing a therapist. And you’re doing that all at once. Does that make sense? So, you just take little things at a time and you just keep building and your life will happen. You know what I’m saying? It’s like you don’t want to… the only thing that I would say put on hold is the romantic stuff because you want to make sure like I said, you see the red flags you understand the red flags. If you have a list of deal breakers, you’re not going to allow somebody to treat you like that, again, you’ve got good self-esteem, you’ve got good boundaries.

That’s the only thing I would put on hold everything else, getting a dog going exploring your world, figuring out who you are, you could do that right now you could you could get a dog and get the self-esteem workbook, you could get a dog and go see a therapist. Do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, the only thing I would put on hold is the romantic stuff. Because if you’ve been in an abusive relationship romantically, you need to make sure you get all of those things nailed down so that your inner child doesn’t pick another abuser. Because remember, the inner child, if they’re not worked on the inner child goes, Oh, looking outside. Oh, I know somebody who kind of sort of subconsciously reminds me of whoever was difficult in the family. I know. If I can make them love me, I prove mom and dad wrong. Half of a doodoo sandwich, half of a doodoo. Sandwich. Total doo doo sandwich. So but for the rest of your life, you know, getting a dog going exploring your world, find configuring out who you are, you can do that.

Get a therapist, get the self-esteem workbook, get a dog. It’s an and world, get support, get support, support, good friends, good support, and start allowing yourself to live your best life. What does that look like? Write it down. Write it down! You know, have fun with that. What have you always wanted to do that you never were able to or that you weren’t allowed to or whatever, you know, start looking at how to do that. How are you going to make that happen? But do get with a good therapist do work. The workbooks do look at getting a dog from a shelter or rescue because they’re overflowing right now. And yeah, so there’s that I hope that answered the question. If not let me know.

All right, my love’s now I’m going to end the show. Please remember Suzanna Quintana is a wonderful life coach. I love her to death her book is available. You can always find her at Suzannaquintana.com Let’s see what else what else, we need to tell you. Also tickets are available at krisgodinez.com For not just Honolulu but Atlanta. So that’s it. All right, you guys have a great week. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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