We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez

10-09-2022 Managing Your Time
On this episode of We Need To Talk With Kris Godinez, Kris talks about time management and why survivors of abuse universally struggle with time.

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Okay, so what I want to talk about before we dive into managing your time is in Arizona, we get whoops, we get these dust storms. And it’s huge… Mercury isn’t even in retrograde. I know I was just about to be like mercury and retrograde. But now anyway, um, so we get these huge dust storms and the dust storms are 60/70 miles an hour. And you what you want to do to protect your pets is get a padlock to put on the gate. Because the winds are going to lift the latch off and the dog, cat whatever is going to get out… even tortoises have been missing. So if you lose your dog or your cat, here’s the things you need to know. There are some wonderful sites called straydar. There’s Next Door, obviously Facebook, you want to check all of those to see if anybody has found your dog or your cat. Dogs are the ones that tend to take off and run. So when they get terrified, they will and we get some hellacious thunder. I mean, it’s like crash bang, boom. So when they get terrified, they will take off and run because they’re trying to get away from it. You know, they don’t understand that you can’t get away from a thunderstorm. So, the dogs are the ones that will go miles away from the house. Cats generally, when they leave the house, when they run out of the house, they usually stick really close by. So what you want to do is you want to put up fliers and you want to check the neighbors to see if your cat is nearby. Or if they Anybody seen your dog, check on straydar, check on next door.

That’s another great place that has it. And if you find an animal and I wanted to be very clear about this, because there’s been a lot of really weird things happening, like people using the dog or the cat as a way to make money. So they’ll like oh, well you can pay me to have your dog back or your cat back or whatever. So, if you find an animal, get have them checked for a chip, check to see if they’ve got a collar on check to see if they’ve got if somebody is holding your cat or dog hostage, get the police involved. So especially if you can prove that that animal is yours.

Kris Godinez 03:16
The other thing to watch out for is that people are also apparently re -homing cats and dogs but they’re really using them as bait animals for the animal fighting the dog fighting. So be very aware of all of that if somebody is really truly interested in rehoming an animal they are going to ask for a small fee. Not a huge fee, but like a small fee. So there is that so it’s disturbing to me because here’s something that narcissists do. And yes, this is all connected. Trust me. narcissists will use a storm as an excuse to let the dog go or let the cat out or get rid of whatever animal is there. Because narcissists are pathologically jealous of pets, and they want them dead just like anybody else they want them dead. So if you are with an abuser, and we have one of these storms, and they don’t seem overly concerned that your dog or your cat is missing, they may have left the gate open, I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve heard about that happening. So you do want to check with the Humane Society you do want to check with. ASPCA, rescues, check with all the rescues you know, make sure everybody’s got a picture of your dog or your cat and if you find one don’t just immediately take it in and assume nobody wanted it. It could be that the cat or the dog was either purposely let out by an abuser or the gate wasn’t secure and they just got out and so you want to look for the owner before you give them you know before you take them in as your own. The thing that’s scary is that right now, there are so many oh my god, I just one of the people just said one time I found a pet in Mesa who was stolen from Tucson, I reunited with the owner and we all cried.

Oh my god. But yeah, so there’s, there was an instance recently of two great danes that somebody had kidnapped and had been, you know, sending ransom notices for. And of course, then they realized the Great Danes take a lot of food and a lot of exercise. And then they released them out in to the forest. And thankfully, somebody found them up in Flagstaff and was able to reunite them with their owner. So, so yeah, there’s a lot of weird things going on. And abusers are the ones that will use pets to get money to harm somebody else to hold them hostage to you know, whatever. So that’s why I’m saying get the police involved if something like that happens. And like I said, dogs are the ones that roam far away. cats tend to stay close to home, they’re somewhere in the neighborhood, you just have to put out fliers and you know, get people looking for them. So I just wanted to mention that because that is that seems to be something that’s happening here in the Phoenix area is that pets are being used as hostages as, what’s the word I’m looking for kidnapping there. So they’re, they’re looking for money. So and a lot of people are having this problem when their pets get out, somebody finds them and then they request money to give them back. And that’s just wrong. So, okay, unless of course, you re homing the pet, in which case you’re trying to avoid the you know, dogfighting thing. So, I know that was really rambling. And I’m really sorry, but I kind of got thrown off by the whole audio issues we were having. So I apologize.

Okay, let’s dive into time management, shall we? Okay, so, time management, believe it or not, inability to deal with time is a trauma response. Go figure. And not only that, but when we supposedly waste time, right, that’s the abusers love to tell us that, oh, you’re wasting time or you’re sleeping too late, you’re doing this. Because people who’ve been abused have a tendency to be night owls. And why?

Because we’re avoiding our abuser. Because if we’re up all night, when it’s quiet, and nobody’s messing with us, and then we sleep all day, we’re avoiding the abuser. And that just becomes a habit that we get into. Because it’s quiet, we feel safe at night. And then, you know, sleep in during the day get up in the afternoon kind of thing. So, these are all trauma responses. So, somebody had written in and said, “Can you please talk about the way that we beat ourselves up when we don’t get everything done?” That too, is a trauma response, because how many times has an abuser in our life made us wrong, for avoiding them, for sleeping in, for staying up late, for not getting everything done for not being perfect for you know, whatever they had, right?

Kris Godinez 07:41
So, I just want you guys to be very gentle with you. First and foremost, you must be gentle with you when we’re coming out of these types of relationships, whether it is a family of origin issue, and that’s usually where we learn this from. And what was really interesting to me is that when I was talking to my sister, Nancy in Santa Barbara, she and I were talking about how and she does this still to this day, she’s a night owl, she stays up late, and she sleeps in during the day. And then she gets up in the mid morning and does her thing and, and I told her I said, you know, when I was living at home, I would stay up until three or four o’clock in the morning and then sleep as late as I possibly could. So I would avoid my dad. And she’s like, yep, that’s where I learned it from. That’s exactly what I did when I had to be around him. And I was like, oh, okay, that makes a lot of sense. So yeah, it’s that’s what we do. It’s a learned it’s a learned protection to try to avoid the abuser so but what the abuser then does is that that they make us wrong for avoiding them because of course, they need their favorite punching bag. And they make us wrong for not getting things done. And they’re very, when I say snappy, I’m not kidding. They’re like, you know, when I say jump, you say how high you know, that kind of thing.

And so we get this maladaptive thinking, this mistaken thought, the mistaken belief that if we do something, it has to be done perfectly, and we kind of touched on that with the procrastination or that if we get a list of things to do that we have to finish all of them. No, no you don’t you are not, you know a superhero you’re not I mean, you’re a superhero in one way but you’re not a superhero like in the comic books that can like you know, do things super-fast and get everything done. And it’s a way that the abusers have to abuse so because they know nobody could possibly get everything they want done, done. And so then they use that as the excuse to treat you like doodoo put you down make you wrong, you know tell you your stupid tell you you’re too slow, tell your this that or the other thing or you didn’t do it right or whatever. So, it is no wonder we come out of a family of origin or romantic relationship because do the same things. And we have horrible time management abilities. Like we’re just like, What? What is this time management you speak of? So, so please don’t beat yourself up, please, please, please, please don’t beat yourself up. It is a learned behavior, which means it can be learned. It can be unlearned, and we can, replace it with the healthier behavior. So when we come out of one of those relationships, the first thing you got to do is recognize you were in an abusive, toxic relationship, whether it was family of origin, or a boss, or friend, or whatever. And because it’s an and world, and this is a trauma response, having weirdness, trying to manage time is a trauma response. This is to be expected. So congratulations, y’all are normal.

Everybody looks at me like what? No, it’s normal. If you’ve come out of that kind of relationship, you’re going to have a very strange relationship with time. So it’s a trauma response. So we’ve got to change the way we think about time. I know just like everything else. So this is all kind of interconnected back to self-esteem. So, it’s respecting our own time, they never respected our time, they never respected our time. Do you remember how many times you would be engrossed in something that was really important to you? And what would they do? They would march in, and they would be like, tear you away from it, make you wrong for doing whatever it was that you were enjoying, and really engrossed in and demand that you go do whatever they wanted to go do. So, we got really loud and clear that our time was not valuable. And somehow that inner child has carried that through. So that some part of us believes that our time is not valuable.

Kris Godinez 11:56
I know! Mind blown. So, it’s really all about, it’s really all about getting your go away spam, it’s really about getting your self-esteem back and recognizing your time how you choose to spend it is valuable, absolutely 110%, you have the right to spend your time the way you need to or want to, and it does not depend on the abuser. So, when we are coming out of the abuse, working on self-esteem is going to be key for time management. Because there’s a part of us that does not believe we are worthy of our own love, our own our own time, our own attention, or that we are worthy of being able to manage our own time that somehow we can’t How many times did our abuser call us stupid? How many times did our abuser tell us that we were worthless? How many times did our abuser tell us that we were incompetent, or that we didn’t know what we were doing? Or that they, you know, they had to be on us all the time to tell us what to do. Okay? These are all the mistaken thoughts and all the mistaken beliefs that we need to literally put into the trashcan and light on fire because those belong to them, not to us. So, as we start working on time management, first of all, it’s going to be doing mirror work. Okay, remember, mirror work? Hi, good to see you have a great day, it’s okay for you to respect your own time. And then walk out. I’m serious as a heart attack on that one, you’ve got to get used to the idea that your time is yours, and that you have the right to manage it. Nobody else does.

You have the right to manage your time. And you’re not going to beat yourself up. You’re not because when we come out of an abusive relationship, we are not going to be able to manage our time immediately. We’re not because it’s a habit. Remember, it’s a habit. It’s just like anything else, you got to undo the behavior and then replace it with positive. So, as we are undoing that unhealthy behavior or that behavior that we adopted in order to stay safe, you’ve got to start recognizing, okay, well, what is it that I do want? Well, okay, I have all these things to do. And I feel overwhelmed. That is common with us. That is a trauma response. And that is intentional on the part of the abuser to make us feel like we don’t have enough time in the day like there’s not enough hours in the day. So, one of the mistakes that we make is we start cutting into our sleep. Don’t do it. You’re not going to create more hours in the day by cutting into your sleep. That’s what the abuser taught us that remember the abuser would wake people up in the middle of the night and force them to go do chores because they got off on the torture basically. So, cutting into your sleep is not going to do it for you. Respect is. Respect for you is going to go much further than doing that. When you first come out of an abusive relationship working on your self-esteem, the self-esteem workbook, Glen Schiraldi is going to be huge. There’s a section in there that’s on your worth, and your value and your time and your sleep.

And this, that and the other thing, and that is what you need to work on. So, what helps me and has been helping me is writing out a schedule. So, I literally schedule things out like today, from here to here, I’m going to be doing this and from here to here, I’m going to be doing that. And that is what helps me now if I fall off of that schedule, do I beat the living crap out of myself? No, absolutely not. Okay, I didn’t get it done. So in Psychology Today, there was a great thing called time management. And there’s no author to it. It’s just reviewed by the Psychology Today, staff was just called time management. And basically, it was saying the ABCs. So you prioritize what is the most important thing that needs to be done, and you schedule it in. Like, seriously. So, like, Monday through Friday, my day is ruled by my schedule my calendar, absolutely. Saturday, and Sunday is a little more loosey goosey. But I still have a little bit of scheduling that I do on Saturday and Sunday.

So, like, Monday through Friday, it’s get up at pretty much the same time every day. Because if you do your schedule wonky, your body and brain are just going to be like, What are you doing? So, you want to get up at the same time, approximately every day, because it helps and then go do what you would normally do. So going for a walk, working out, going to the gym, whatever, having breakfast, schedule that in, and then start your day. That’s literally how I do things. Right. So it’s like, and especially, and it was much easier when we had a dog because the dog kind of dictated as soon as the sun came up our dogs were like, okay, take for a walk, you know, so but if you don’t have a dog then schedule in a schedule, you know, and here’s the thing, schedules don’t have to be written in stone. That’s the other thing is that. It’s like, it doesn’t have to be, you know, oh my god, if I don’t do this, my day is going to fall apart. No, you know, it’s like gentle with you. Flexible. Remember, abusers are black and white. And they’ve taught us that black and white thinking. So, we have to get back into that flexibility. So, for example, if I wake up and it’s cold outside, I’ll have breakfast first. And then I’ll go for a walk. Or if it’s hot outside, I’ll walk first. And then I’ll have breakfast. So, you have some flexibility in there. So it’s not like you know, Ein! Svei! Drei! you know, you have some flexibility. So scheduling things out is really important. And here’s the one that everyone misses schedule in time for you!

Kris Godinez 18:01
Seriously, schedule in time for self-care, it’s not going to come naturally to us. It’s not because we’ve been told for how long Oh, you’re selfish, when they’re the ones that are selfish. So, we try to go do something nice for ourselves, or we buy something nice for ourselves, then what does the abuser do? Oh, you’re selfish? How dare you? How dare you not be spending that on me? How dare you not be jumping to my tune or whatever they’re doing. So, it doesn’t come naturally. So self-care literally has to be thought about and has to be scheduled in. And self-care can be anything from going for a walk reading, a book doing the self-esteem workbook.

You know, things like that. So, schedule in self-care every day, minimum half an hour, minimum, half an hour, start paying attention to you start taking care of you and yes, it is going to have to be scheduled in because what do we do? Because the codependency we have a tendency to be like, Oh, nope, got to take care of everybody and their dog. Nope, nope, nope, taking care of everybody else don’t need to take care of myself. Wrong. You cannot pour from an empty pot. So, you’ve got to recharge your own batteries. Especially if you have kids, you’re going to have to recharge your own batteries in some way, shape or form, whether that’s going for a walk, doing some yoga or reading a book, take a shower, take a bath. You know, it doesn’t have to be expensive. I mean, if you want to get into the expensive stuff, manicure, pedicure, massage, etc. But you can do things that are self-care that are not expensive.

And it’s important. It’s and sometimes self-care is shutting the door, locking the door lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling for half an hour. Just that alone time. Okay, it’s important. Why because you’re important. I know it’s what? So yeah, You want to schedule in self care. And when you do your time management, you want to break things down into, you know, things that are urgent, right that have to be done right. And then things that are not so urgent, and then things that can be done later on. So it’s kind of like an ABC kind of thing. So, you really want to pick a task, and finish it to completion. Why? So here’s another article on psychology today that I thought was fascinating how the little known, Zack, I’m going to say this wrong Zeigarnik effects impacts everyone’s day. So Zeigarnik Effect is what occurs when the brain more readily recalls an interrupted task than a completed one. unfinished tasks create mental tension, which impacts how well people perform on other tasks. In the meantime, studies show how making plans improves this immensely. So basically, what it is, is our amygdala is like sitting there going, Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my god, here’s this thing that I need to do. And I didn’t get it done. And it sits there and obsesses over it. Okay.

Whereas if you complete the task, just like when we write the angry letters, right, so the abuser abused us, we’re angry, we don’t know what to do with the anger, we write an angry letter, dear abuser, cluck the cluckety, cluck, cluck out of clucking cluck you, you clucking blah, blah, blah, you know, and put all the anger and the shame and the blame and the guilt and everything else back on them. And then I’m raising the rent, I am not dealing with you anymore, get out of my head, you don’t get to live up here, rent free one more second, and then trot it out to the barbecue and burn it. After you’ve read it out loud once or you can mail it back to yourself, do not mail it to the abuser people don’t do it. All you’d be doing is giving them fuel for their fire. This is for you. But if you do that, it’s so funny. My clients come back to me and they’re like, Wow, I feel so much better. And I’m not thinking about them as much as I was. Yes. Because you’ve completed the loop. You’ve completed the task, you’ve said what you needed to say that you never got a chance to say. And you acknowledged it and you validated it. That’s why. So that’s why when we give ourselves 100,000 million tasks, and we start splitting our time between all of them, we feel exhausted, we feel like we’re losers, because we couldn’t get it all done. We beat ourselves up, we you know, etc. So, what you want to do is you want to do small lists, I kid you not that can be easily completed, you know, or you want to start with the task that’s the hardest that you know, is the one you don’t like to do, because that’s the one you’re avoiding. So it’s kind of like, okay, I don’t I’m not a fan of cleaning toilets. But I like it in a way because then it’s a clean toilet, you know what I’m saying? So you do that task. The first one is the one that you really don’t want to do, but get it done and do it to completion, because then the amygdala goes, Oh, I did something.

Okay, I can let it go. Does that make sense? So that is what you want to start doing when you do lists of things. So, when you’re scheduling things out, let it be a reasonable schedule, okay. So for example, in my day, there is no way in hell, I’m going to be able to finish writing the fourth book, anytime during the weekdays because I’m so busy. But if I do have time, you know, like, I’ve got an hour to block where I don’t have clients. And I feel the Muse hit me all write on the book, with no expectations. And I think that’s where we get into trouble is that we had so many expectations put on us that we kind of do that to ourselves. And it’s like, well, but I have to be perfect. Well, but I have to finish all of this well, but this has to be No, no. So, managing your time means managing your self-esteem. And understanding that your time is valuable. Your time is valuable. And that there is plenty of time in the day. There is remember abusers love to live in lack and scarcity. Okay, that is their big thing. lack and scarcity is either too much or not enough. And so, they lie to us. And they tell us that there’s not enough hours in the day. And they lie to us and tell us that we’re not enough. And they lie to us. And they tell us that our time isn’t valuable. So really, it’s getting back to understanding your time is valuable. Your time is 100% valuable. There are plenty of hours in the day. It’s a matter of prioritizing, and it’s a matter of scheduling. And it’s realizing this is a new behavior that we’ve never done before. So when we do new behaviors, you’re not going to be perfect at it. You’re not and it’s Oh Kay, it is. And to this day, there are some days where I was like, okay, Saturday, I’m going to clean the house and this than the other thing and it didn’t get done, and all kind of look at it and go, Wow, old me would have beaten the living crap out of myself.

Kris Godinez 25:13
I don’t do that anymore. It’s kind of like, you know what, it’s not an arm, it’s not a leg, nobody’s on the ground bleeding. It’ll get done eventually, it’ll be okay. You know, and then that goes to the top of the list for when I have free time is to finish whatever task that was. So, I think the biggest thing is finishing, I think that’s the key is that you pick something and you do it to completion. And then your brain can let it go. And you keep the list small, you keep it like manageable, doable. Does that make sense? Like I said, during the work week, I am not going to force myself or put pressure on myself to finish the book. It’s not going to happen. I don’t have enough availability during the day to do a chunk of writing. Does that make sense? But if I wanted to, I could go do something else if I wanted to. And sometimes in the middle of the day, I literally scheduled lying on the floor looking at the ceiling because my brain is just like I can no longer brain. I need to not brain for a while. You know what I’m saying? So gentle with you gentle with you and prioritize you know, and you want to hit the tasks or whatever that are the hardest, or that you were resisting the most. Because and you want to make them as fun as possible. You do like so for me cleaning. I turn on music like the other day I was listening to Ultravox, and I was like, you know, rocking out to Ultravox and cleaning and singing and dancing around while I was cleaning and all that sort of stuff. And it made it fun. So, you make the task as fun as possible. Remember, our abusers have made chores just exactly that a chore. They’ve made it difficult. They’ve made it hard to get through. They’ve made it uncomfortable. They’ve made it a punishment. Abusers love to use everyday chores as punishment. Like I had one that to their child.

They forced them to clean the floor with a toothbrush. And if it wasn’t done to their exacting demands, they would beat them with a belt. And I’m like, huh, God, don’t get me started. So yeah, they turn chores into something torturous. So, we want to undo that we want to make it as pleasant as possible, we want to make it fun. We want to make it enjoyable, we want to make it ours, we want to take back our power. So really, this is all about taking back our power. It really is. So, changing the way we think about time. Time is ours. Time belongs to us. It is up to us how to use it. And it’s okay. If we don’t get everything done on this list. We’ll just move it to the next day. It’s not an arm, it’s not a leg, nobody’s bleeding. It’s all good. Do you see where I’m going with that? But with the abuser they’ve turned everything into a screaming meanie histrionic, you know, you didn’t get this done? You know, and it was an excuse to abuse us. So, I think there’s a lot of there’s a lot of gears turning on time management here. So, it’s working on CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker, getting to the heart of all this, you know, get putting it back on the abuser. It’s also working on the inner child. How did they mess with your mind about time? How old were you when did this start?

Kris Godinez 28:28
Right and then working with that inner child Hey, little one. You know what, our time is valuable. And we can do with it as we choose or as we need. And it’s ours. And we have worth, and our time has worth. And that’s what I want you to work on. Hi, good to see you have a great day. You know what your time is valuable. You have worth, your time has worth and then walk out. Work on that. So, working on the self-esteem self-esteem workbook Glen Schiraldi, CPTSD from surviving to thriving Pete Walker inner child workbook either by Luccia Capachione or Katherine Taylor, Katherine Taylor, one’s a little outdated, but the Luccia Capachione one is also good. So, working on all of that and taking our power back, write the abuser, a go pound sand letter about how they abused you with time, or chores, or whatever, or your sleep pattern or whatever, you know. So, recognize that all of this response to time management, sleeping, sleeping in staying up late is all a trauma response to the trauma we went through as kids or the trauma we went through in the relationship. So, it’s really important, gentle with you, gentle with you. If you take nothing else away from this today. Gentle with you.

It takes time to undo the maladaptive behaviors and replace them with the healthier behaviors. So, Whew. So, time management is all about recognizing you have worth, your time has worth, self-esteem, getting the trauma back to the abuse back to the abuser, working on the inner child, loving the inner child, loving yourself, reasonable lists reasonableness and actually writing it out. So, like, you know, like I said, usually the weekends for me, Saturdays are chore days. Saturdays are my chore days, Sunday after the show is when I stare at the ceiling and don’t think, yeah. And then during the week, I’m working, and I have a little routine that I do in the morning, I have a little routine I do in the evening, and I schedule it in. But if I don’t get to it, I do not beat the living crap out of me, I just go, Okay, that didn’t get done. Let’s move it to tomorrow and make sure that that’s the first thing that gets done. Gentle, gentle, flexible, gentle. And it takes practice, it does. Because at first, it’s going to feel weird to kind of schedule things in, especially the self-care. But once you get into that habit, it’s going to become so much easier. So anyway, sorry about all of the technical issues on the front end of this. I hope this was helpful. Let me dive into the questions. Okay.

Kris Godinez 31:16
How can we avoid prioritizing absolutely everything and trying to do it all? Well, I was told I was lazy, I got that too. And now I give 100% all of the time, which is exhausting. Okay, so the thing of it is, is that you prioritize three things. Seriously, if it goes over three, three to five, if it goes over three, then you really need to be like, Nope, that can be done tomorrow. And really, things that have to be done would be things like you know, eating, going to work kind of thing. Everything else is kind of an Okay, well, does this have to be done to somebody’s life depend upon this? You know that kind of thing. So not everything is def con one, but abusers love to make us think everything is DEF CON one. So really, it’s it an arm? Is it a leg? Is somebody bleeding? If not, it’s not DEF CON one, you know? And then you kind of go okay, well, what will make my life easier? So, for me, it’s kind of like, okay, cleaning out the cardboard boxes would be a really good thing and make a lot more room in that one room. So yeah, let’s do that. You know? Do you see where I’m going with that?

So, if you make it like what’s going to make your life easier? Or is it an arm? Is it a leg? You know, obviously, that’s number one isn’t going to make your life easier is number two. And then you pick to, you know, three to five, three to five. That’s it any more than that, you’re going to have to tell that inner critic Thank you go pound sand. I am not going to do any more than three. Have a nice day. Bye bye now and it’s going to try to make you wrong it is. But you have to get into the habit of telling the inner critic No. So thought stopping is going to be important. So, when the inner critic pops up, and it goes out. You’re not kidding. You need to do everything. You need to finish it. Yeah. Oh, dear Lord, kindly go pound sand. You’re full of doodoo I do not need to finish everything. I just need to finish one thing. That’s it. That’s it. And I’m okay with that. Even if I say I’m not, even though I think I’m not, I am okay with that. You know why? Because I’m practicing being okay with that. So, it is going to be a practice thing because that voice is going to be like, No, it’s okay. It’s not okay. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. Okay. It is okay. If I just do one thing. That’s it to completion. So, buh bye. You’re my abuser’s voice. Oh, wow. Okay, Bob, Buh Bye. Buh bye. Now I hear you, I see you, you are not allowed my head rent free by.

So, you have to keep doing the thought stopping and telling that inner critic because that’s what it is to shut the bleep up. Replace it with the polar opposite. You have the right to do one thing to completion. You don’t have to do everything. You’re not Wonder Woman in the superhero sense of it your Wonder Woman in the sense that you’ve survived abuse. But do you see where I’m going with that? So, you’ve got to tell the inner critic. No, I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to play. I am not lazy. And that’s the funny thing. It’s like, I think a lot of us got the lazy thing. And that’s a way to manipulate and control. It’s name calling. So, they would accuse us of being lazy, when in fact, they were! They wouldn’t work on themselves. They wouldn’t do anything to better the situation. They wouldn’t read books; they wouldn’t go to therapy. They wouldn’t who’s lazy.

Kris Godinez 34:48
So yeah, they accused us of the very things that they are so anytime you got called lazy or anything else like that, I would strongly suggest writing a go pound sand letter to your abuser and put it back on them. him and let him have it with both barrels, trot it out to the barbecue, read it out loud once burn it, let it go. You’re not lazy. None of us are. None of us are! John Nixon, who was my mentor, I love him to death. He’s so funny. He was like, he was like, Chris, I cannot believe how much you accomplish in a day. And I’m like, it’s been hard fought. I’ve had to learn. I’ve had to learn how to manage my time, I’ve had to learn how to let things go. I’ve had to learn how to prioritize, I had to learn, you know, and so we had this conversation about that this was years ago. Anyway, so it is it is a learning experience. It is unlearning the unhealthy stuff that we got from our abuser and replacing it with prioritizing ourselves, we come first we are important.

We have the right to love ourselves, we have the right to respect ourselves, we have the right to respect our own time. So, it’s a learning process, guys, it’s a journey. It is it really is. Okay. I hope that helps. Um, yeah, it is exhausting. So, give yourself some grace. Gentle with you. You don’t have to do everything at once. Three to five. That’s it.

All right, any tips on controlling rage besides EMDR and counting to 10? I know you give complex answers, but you know what I mean. I hope. Okay, so anger is the bodyguard of the softer emotions. So, when we are harmed or hurt or sad, or fearful, anger is the first emotion we go to because it’s the safest emotion to go to it is part of the fight flight freeze or fawn. So, let’s just back it up. Back it up. Alright. So, when we have a threat come in. Yes, I’m giving you a complex answer. I’m really sorry. I’ll try to simplify it. But when we have a threat come in. The amygdala freaks out the amygdala is that little almond shaped organ that sits about an inch inside of each ear. So, when it feels a threat, it goes, Oh, my God, and it starts screaming and tells the hippocampus hypothalamus to release cortisol. Cortisol is our stress hormone. So, we’re getting tensed up, because we’re getting ready to fight flight, runaway freeze like a bunny rabbit, you know, predator just walks by doesn’t see us or fun give into the predator so that we don’t get killed. So, then what happens is we’re tense right, so now we’ve cut off the oxygen co2 Exchange, so the oxygen co2 is wonky now, so that tells another part of the brain a little further down on the brainstem. Oh, my God, we’re going to die. There is no oxygen co2 Exchange, what the hell and it tells the adrenal gland that sits on top of the kidneys to release everything at once. So now we’re shaking like a leaf racing thoughts racing thoughts, pounding heart pounding our puffy, little breaths not going anywhere. And at this point, we do one of two things. We either go into the stereotypical panic attack, which is the Oh, my God, I can’t breathe and then you keel over. Or we turned into Bruce Banner, The Incredible Hulk, okay. So, it is at it is a fight flight freeze or fawn response it is. So, what you want to do is you want to breathe.

As soon as you feel that hot rage, you know, your face flushes, your heart starts pounding, you’re taking puffy little breaths, that’s when you got to breathe. That’s when you got to be like, Oh, okay, this is a fear response. Okay, this is a fight flight freeze or fawn response. What the heck, okay, I need to breathe. Hold it. And as you let it out, I’m safe. I’m okay. Everything’s fine. I don’t need to go Bruce Banner on anybody. I’m good. Everything’s okay. I’m safe. I’m okay. Everything’s fine. Do you see where I’m going with that? You let it out as slowly as you can, and you self soothe. So, when we respond with anger, and John can attest to this, I used to be angry at everything seriously angry at everything, inanimate objects, people, cars, the moon didn’t matter. I had a lot of anger because of my dad because he was abusive. And I learned through therapy that oh, look, it’s the softer emotions. I was covering up all of the softer emotions to stay safe because it was not safe to be vulnerable, obviously, with my father, who was an ex-marine and had hands the size of frying pans, who liked to hit me. So, you I covered things up with the anger because he wouldn’t mess with anger.

Kris Godinez 39:47
He would mess with the softer emotions, but he wouldn’t mess with anger. So, you got to take a look at why. Why are you raging? Where did this come from? Where did this anger come from? So, you delve into Oh, this was this was my response to my dad. Thank you. This was my response to my dad. You know, this is why I’m so angry. This is why I’m responding to everything with anger, because for me, I found it was safe. Well, obviously, when you get into healthy relationships, you cannot respond with anger to everything. So, you got to start dealing with the softer emotions, the vulnerability, the sadness, the hurt, the betrayal, the fear, the fear of being hurt. So, you identify what you’re afraid of. And so, what John and I learned through our therapy, we did couples therapy in the beginning of our relationship was okay, when I got mad, he would stop and say, What are you afraid of? And of course, after I got mad about that, I would be like, you’re right, hold on.

Okay, I’m fearful of and then I was able to express what the fear with sadness with the hurt with the vulnerable was. And so that’s the kind of the key is you’ve got it, you know, and then eventually, I was able to do it on my own be like, Okay, I’m angry. What am I afraid of? What am I fearful of? What am I feeling betrayed about? What am I feeling hurt about? What am I feeling sad about? And identify those emotions, you know, it’s process. It’s a process, because we’re so disconnected from the softer emotions because of our abuser, that it’s really, it’s almost like relearning a language when you finally start getting in touch with them again. And of course, the anger has always been there to protect us. So now we got to kind of peel the anger back and allow ourselves to go for the emotion underneath the anger. So, what is the emotion underneath the anger? Is it sad? Is it betrayed? Is it hurt? Is it fearful? What’s the softer emotion that the anger is protecting? So that’s what you want to look at? Get with a good trauma therapist, swear to God, get with a good trauma therapist, work on that, Where’s this coming from? Do the inner child workbook that’s going to help a lot. So, there is that? Okay, let’s see if that answered the question. So yeah, so get with a good trauma therapist, there’s a great book, and it’s a Buddhist book on anger management, and it’s called, There’s a Cow in the Parking Lot. And I do not know who it’s written by. But it’s, that’s the name of the title. And I think it’s purple, if I remember correctly, so that’s a great book. It’s a Buddhist, it’s a Buddhist perspective on anger management. So yeah, get that book, start reading, and it’s a really good one.

Okay, um, my biggest difficulty with time is that I fight against attempts to make change. I have great ideas on how to do things, but the execution falters because of the rebellions, how to approach? This is common. Please do not beat yourself up. This is totally, totally common. So, what ends up happening is, it’s our inner child, it’s our inner teenager, a lot of times, especially when the rebellion stuff goes like, through the roof. So, a lot of times, it’s the inner teenager, rebelling, you can’t tell me what to do. I’m the boss of me, you’re not the boss of me, you know, that kind of thing. So, there’s, I have a lot of clients that are dealing with that that is a common thing, which is why I’m saying the inner child workbook is so useful for things you don’t even think about. I mean, seriously, like, you start working and you’re like, Oh, what the Oh, like, whoa, okay. So, get the inner child workbook.

Start working on that rebellion. How old do you feel? That’s the question, how old do you feel when you’re in that you can make the I’m not going to do it. I’m not going to, I’ll show you. How old are you? You know, and it can be anywhere from any range, but usually, it’s the teenager preteen teen, that’s usually where I see that ad. So gentle, have a conversation with your inner teenager, hi inner teen, we need to talk what’s going on. So, what I often suggest is doing little guided imagery. So, what you would can do is you can imagine your some someplace safe, just beautiful, safe, clean, clear, gorgeous. For me, it’s always the beach, but you know, it can be anywhere. It could be a cabin, it could be a room, it could be a beanbag, it could be a hammock, whatever. Call your teenager to you. Have them come over to you hug them, kiss them, tell them how awesome they are. And hey, we need to talk what’s going on? And then ask, what do you need? Why are you rebelling against this? What do you need? And then hear them have a dialogue with them. What are they rebelling against? What do they need? And then you let them know what you need. Hey, little one, I need you to just be a teen. And let me deal with the time stuff. Okay,

Kris Godinez 44:43
I’ll do this. I’ll do the chores and everything you get to go be a teen and love them because a lot of us didn’t get that unconditional positive regard, especially from our abuser around time, you know? So, work with them work with your inner teen on that. Love your inner teen, your inner teen is telling you something important. I know it’s annoying, but they’re telling you something important this is just listen. There’s something that went on during that time period that needs to be dealt with. So, get with a good trauma therapist work on the Inner Child workbook, self-esteem workbook CPTSD from surviving to thriving. That’s an important clue. Something happened in that time period when you were a teen, something happened to cause that rebellion. What was going on? So, work through that. And remember, it’s the teenager is not the problem. The inner teen is not the problem. It’s the abuser. It’s the abuser, put it back on the abuser, does the inner teen need to say anything to the abuser? Let them write an angry letter and burn it. So yeah, that’s a really important thing to do. It’s like how old do you feel when you are resisting. And then just be gentle with you. And when you’re doing the mirror work, you’re talking to yourself, but you’re also talking to your inner team. Hi, good to see you. Have a great day. You know what, it’s okay to do things differently. I know it’s scary, but it’s okay to do things differently, and then walk out. So, work on that work on that.
Okay. Let’s see. Um, okay, any suggestions for estimating the time it’ll take to finish a task? I don’t do that. Um, I think what we do is we tend to play mind games with ourselves with that. And so, when I start working on a task, I simply tell myself, okay, it’s going to take as long as it takes and not a second before or a second after. And I just go with it, you know what I’m saying. So, you also want to be aware of the procrastination thing that we talked about a few weeks ago.
So, if you’re dragging your feet and dragging your feet and dragging your feet, that’s not the tasks fault. It’s something that’s going on that fear of completing the task. So, what’s going on? What’s causing the procrastination, so I don’t I don’t give myself like, you know, oh, I’m going to estimate how long this is going to take. What I do is I play fun games with myself, like, how much can I get cleaned during this one song? Just for the heck of it. So, you know, and I’ll see how much I get done. You know, so it you know, you don’t ever want to what’s the word I’m looking for. You don’t want to overestimate you don’t want to underestimate and you don’t want to put yourself under that pressure. So, the task is going to take as long as it takes. You know, and you just kind of roll with it. So do that. Okay.
So Alright guys, I hope that is helpful on time management. I hope that you understand the biggest takeaway gentle with you. Gentle with you. It’s all a trauma response. So instead of getting angry at it, get curious. Wow, this is interesting. I’m rebelling against this. How old am I? Huh? What’s going on with that? Wow, this is interesting, huh? Wonder what this is about, you know, get curious, gentle with you. So self-esteem workbook Glen Schiraldi, The Inner Child Workbook, Lucia Cappacchione or Catherine Taylor CPTSD from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. All of these are going to help and with self-forgiveness, Radical Self Forgiveness by Collin Tipping, so a lot of us beat ourselves to a pulp when we don’t do things perfect or can’t finish as much as we think we should. So, you got to start letting that stuff go. You that’s the abuser stuff. So anyway, that’s that. So, all right, you guys have a wonderful, wonderful week. Please take care of yourselves. Be gentle with you drink plenty of water and I will talk to you next Sunday. Bye.

Kris Godinez 49:16
Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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