Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.
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All right, current events. So, something happened this week in current events that just made me twinge. So, I want to talk about a true apology versus a narcissistic one. So, we’re going to talk contrast and compare, okay. A true apology is a heartfelt, humble, remorseful, oh my god, I own what I did personal responsibility. I did this, I am mortified. It will not happen again. And then the person sets about to make amends. Okay. That’s a true apology. It’s…you’re humble about it. Because you know, you did something wrong, you’re remorseful about it, because you don’t like hurting other people. That’s not you, that’s not your thing, right. And then the behavior changes because you’re like, Damn that I don’t like that. I’m going to change that behavior. Okay. So, I just want to be clear what a true apology is. Now something that abusers will do is they will force the target of abuse to apologize over and over and over again. But the difference is, as compared to what I’m about to talk about. The difference is that the target of abuse has already made amends, has done the changed behavior, has made the restitution, has shown that “Hey, I got it, I hurt you. I’m changed. I’ve changed I’m doing something different. And it won’t happen again.” An abuser will come back and go no apologize again. No apologize again. No apologize again. But the difference is that amends have been made, okay. This week, Alex Jones gave a textbook perfect narcissistic apology. As soon as the jury came back against him. He went on his show and raged. So, a real apology has no raging let’s be clear about that. It has humility and remorse. Okay, he went on his show and raged. “I’ve apologized 100 million times and I’m not going to do it again. And by the way, all the money you’re giving me is going to for sure not go to those people that I have been harming for the last 10 years.” Right.
Kris Godinez 03:18
So, if you want to see a textbook, narcissistic apology, listen to that rant, it’s filled with rage. There’s no remorse. They’re telling you basically “I’m not going to apologize anymore.” Now, in a healthy relationship. If somebody comes back to you healthy, okay, healthy. Somebody comes back to you and says, Hey, I want to revisit this. You don’t get angry. You get curious. Okay, what’s going on? What do you need what’s happening now if it’s a narcissist coming back and you’ve already made amends, and you know, you’ve already and there’s nothing more you literally can do. And restitution has been made behavior has been changed, personal accountability has been taken, then that belongs to the narcissist Okay, remember, narcissists are the ones that do that kind of abuse. You know, it’s like you’re going to keep apologizing for a mistake you made 20 years ago, and even though you’ve already made amends for it, but with Alex Jones, no restitution has had been made. Nothing had changed, behavior had not changed, personal responsibility had not been taken. And yet there he was raging, no remorse, no humility, no restitutions no change behavior, basically saying I’m not going to apologize for it anymore. That is a textbook, narcissistic apology. And when you hear something like that, you’ve got to trust your gut, because actions speak louder than words. Now, words are powerful. Words can hurt people. Abusers tell their flying monkeys to do abuse by proxy. And then they try to be like, Oh, I didn’t you know, I wasn’t me. You know, no, words of Powerful you incite somebody to go after somebody for 10 years. Yeah. And then when you’re caught, you get angry. Yeah, no, that is a narcissistic apology. So, this goes back to what we’re going to talk about in a few minutes, mindfulness, because actions speak louder than words. And what we tend to do as survivors of abuse, is we hear the pretty words, and our inner child immediately wants to believe the words, as opposed to the actions, you must always look at the actions, always, because the actions are telling you who that person really is.
Everything I need to know about Alex Jones, well, was summed up in that narcissistic apology, he showed me who he is, and I believed him the first time. So, there is that current events.
So getting back to mindfulness, this is all interconnected, trust me on this one. So mindfulness, what we say to ourselves how we say it to ourselves, what we say on a daily basis affects us deeply, and we’re not even aware of it. So, what we do is, is we have a running dialogue in the back of our head all the time, and we’re not even aware of it, it’s just going and it’s been there since birth, okay. And what happens is, is as we are being raised in narcissistic families or abusive situations, or whatever, that dialogue starts incorporating whatever the abuser has been saying, and that becomes our inner critic, or our inner bully. So how we say things, and what we say to ourselves, is hugely important. How many times have we woken up and we’ve just been like, oh, today’s going to suck, it’s going to be a terrible day. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to do this. And then the day is just like trudging through molasses? Well, it’s because you’ve told your subconscious, exactly what you want. And this also plays into, and I know, I did this when I was a teenager, for sure. I kind of felt like if I punished myself first, that my parents wouldn’t do it. So, if I was having a bad day, maybe they would leave me alone. Or if I was just, you know, sad and morose, maybe they would leave me alone. So that’s a little bit of that magic thinking. So, you’ve really got to be mindful of what are you saying to you? This is why in the mirror work, I tell people, it’s like you greet yourself as if you were your own child. Why? Because that feels amazing. It feels amazing to have somebody be like, Hi, good to see you. Have a great day. Wow. That’s awesome. Thank you for wishing me a great day. That’s amazing. I give you permission to like yourself, and then walk out. So, this is working on that subconscious inner dialogue that’s going you want to change that inner dialogue from that negative, nasty, vicious magic thinking mean, not nice thing. Bully, basically, to the inner cheerleader, that’s what you want. You want the inner cheerleader, you want to be like, Hey!, I like you. Good job. Keep going. Oops, you messed up. Okay. Make amends, fix it. Okay, good. You did own it. You did? Okay. Move on. Forgive yourself. Okay.
So that’s what you eventually want to get to. And I think a lot of people have some really interesting ideas about mindfulness. So, mindfulness is not a concept. Mindfulness is a way of living. It seriously is. So, you, your mind is like the sky, the thoughts are like the weather, they’re going to flow in and flow out. Where we get stuck in story is that the thoughts flow in and we feel we need to address them or say something to them or acknowledge them or validate them or whatever. And so a lot of us get stuck in stories that were given to us by our abusive family of origin or given to us by the person we dated, or the boss or whoever it was the abusive person. Does that make sense? So, we get stuck in this story, and we start telling ourselves things that are not true and that are counterproductive and do not lead to personal growth, happiness etcetera. So, some of the stories that people get stuck in is they want to be rescued. I need to be rescued. I can’t do this on my own. I need to be rescued, here’s the hard truth. You are your own knight in shining armor, there is no one else coming to the rescue, you must save yourself. What does that mean? That means you’ve got to love yourself enough to recognize your worth, self-esteem workbook Glenn Schiraldi to understand that you are valuable. Your time is valuable, and you are worthy to be here on the planet. You’ve got a purpose that you’re amazing that you’re a good person, and you’re not any of the things that these people have shoved into your head and had going on nonstop. So, it really is not allowing the story that the abusers gave us, how many of us have been called lazy by our abusers? Hello, you know, we get called lazy because we’re not doing what they want. And pretty soon we start telling ourselves we’re lazy, and we start believing it. And it’s not true.
So again, it’s conditioning. It’s just like, if you tell a little kid often enough that they’re stupid, they’re going to start acting stupid, because they’re hearing it all the time. And now they’re incorporating it into their daily thoughts. This is what we’ve got to be mindful of. So, it’s not a concept. It’s a way of living. So what is mindfulness? Mindfulness is experiential. Mindfulness is not telling a story, not judging. And this is where I think a lot of people get messed up is because they don’t understand you don’t need to judge yourself. But where did we learn that judgmental stuff from family of origin, family of origin, they teach us to judge all the time, just like I was judging myself and trying to make myself sad or punish myself or whatever, so that they wouldn’t we judge ourselves all the time on unnecessarily so. Now there’s a difference between taking responsibility and judging ourselves, okay, taking responsibility is ownership taking responsibility is like, Yes, I did this. And here’s the next right step. Judging is you did that and you’re you, you, you, you, you’re wrong. You’re bad. You’re this You’re that How dare you Baba, Baba. You guns. Okay, that’s judging. So when you start to practice mindfulness and getting out of your story, what stories do you tell yourself that keeps yourself stuck? Are you telling yourself you’re too old? Are you telling yourself that you have to stay for the money? Are you telling yourself that you can’t leave? Because of what they will think? Are you telling yourself that you’re not smart? Are you telling yourself that you’re not beautiful? Or handsome? Or amazing or talented? Are you telling yourself stories that are not yours? What stories are you telling yourself, write them down, get them out of your head, so that you can clearly see them and hear them and recognize them as not your story. So, when we stay stuck, it’s generally because of something we told ourselves, and it generally belongs to the fear realm. So, when we tell ourselves a story, oh, I can’t do that. I can’t do it by myself. I can’t leave because you know, fill in the blank. It’s fear. It’s fear now, is it? Is it scary, leaving an abuser? Absofreakinglutely, Absolutely, it is terrifying because they’re crazy. Let’s just be clear. They are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, technical term, and they will not change and if they are dark triad, they will do abuse by proxy. They will send other people out after you they will do the smear campaign, they will do all of that. But here’s the deal. You’ll survive. You will. Hundreds of us have 1000s of us have hundreds of 1000s of us have survived. And generally, when a abuser is called out, they’re cowards. They’re absolute cowards. If there’s going to be a repercussion for what they did,, they stop eventually. You know, if they’re really crazy, they don’t. But that’s when you make sure you have an order of protection and the police are aware and your HR is aware and all of that stuff. So Is there fear involved? Yes, absolutely. I left home when I was 17, because my dad was crazy. Was that scary? You betcha. Did I think I was going to make it not really sure. But I was like, I’m going to frickin die trying because I cannot stay in this house. Because he was going to assault me I was sure of it. So
Kris Godinez 14:31
So you cannot allow and the fear goes back to the things that we’ve been talking about for the last three weeks. Procrastination, time management, and now we’re into what is your story? How do you keep yourself stuck? Because you’re the only one doing it. You are the one keeping yourself stuck. And when I say you are the one keeping yourself stuck, that is not victim blaming. That is what are you thinking? What are you feeling? How are you stopping yourself from moving forward, the stories keep us moving backwards. Some people when they come into my office wear their story like a badge of honor and all listen to it for the first session or two, and then I’m going to be like, Okay, that’s your story. How do you get out of your story? How do we move forward? Can you let this go? Can you let this stop being who you are. And that’s the danger is that we’ve allowed the abuser to blather in our ear. And we suddenly decide that that’s who we are, that we are who that abuser said we were. And that is simply not true. That is simply not true. You are not who or what the abuser said, you are, you’re not lazy. You’re not. It’s the hardest working people I know, are survivors of abuse, because you’re constantly taking care of yourself and balancing act, work, school, self-care, taking care of kids, dealing with attorneys, making sure you’ve got enough money to make rent. That’s not lazy, guys, that’s not lazy. You know. And I think that those are the things that we need to write down, get out of our head and really, truly put back to the abuser and not believe, you cannot believe every single thing you think and if it’s an automatic thought, if it’s a knee jerk reaction and Schiraldi talks about this in his book, you know, what are your thoughts? What are you thinking? And he has you do like a writing out? What are your thoughts? What are your automatic thoughts and challenging them? You have to you cannot just sweep this stuff under the rug and go, Oh, no. I don’t want to deal with the with the running dialogue. No, I don’t want to deal with the inner critic. You have to, you have to, because the inner critic is the one that spewing out the stories that are keeping you stuck in being a victim, stuck in fear, mostly, mostly fear, you know, because change is scary. Change is scary. Absolutely, when I left my family’s home, I was in college, I was working, catering, making money, all of that. I cannot tell you the number of nights I stayed up throwing my guts up because I was so terrified. Am I going to make it? Am I not going to make it? You know, how’s, how’s this going to work? I don’t want to have to go back home. This is not an option. Failure is not an option. Because if I went back home, I would have been harmed physically, sexually, mentally, emotionally, religiously and otherwise. So yeah. What are you thinking? What are you feeling? It is fear. It absolutely is fear. Fear creates the stories that keep us stuck, you’re literally going to have to give the fear the middle finger. Thank you for your input fear. That was fascinating. I hear you I see you, you are not coming in for breakfast, because you’re going to stay for dinner. No, thank you. No, thank you.
So mindfulness is not a concept, it is a way of living. It is hearing it, seeing it acknowledging it, but not getting stuck in it. And this is where we get screwed up is that we get stuck in the story. We go out of experiential mindfulness into conceptual, and you want to get out of your head. So, a great example is a Buddhist master was teaching a student and they went out on a mindfulness hike, right? And suddenly, the student was like, Oh, this is so pretty. And this is so beautiful. And look at this and look at that. And the master turned around and went and you’ve just kicked yourself out of experiential and gone into conceptual. And that it was like, Whoa, yeah. And when we kick ourselves out of experiential mindfulness, and go into conceptual mindfulness, that’s when the story starts. And that’s when the judgment starts. So, you, you are the sky. Emotions and thoughts are the weather, allow them to come in, teach you whatever they need to teach you and leave. You don’t have to become them.
You know, so, when I was a teenager, before I left home, I got accused of being lazy a lot. Why? Because my father was crazy. And remember how we talked about chores being used as punishment? And so if I didn’t ask how high when he said, Jump, he would then tell everybody that I was lazy and tell me I was lazy. And for a while, I believed that until I realized, no.
Kris Godinez 19:26
Let’s just put that one to bed. So, dad says I’m lazy. What’s the evidence to the contrary? Well, oh, my goodness, I am working. I am paying my own bills. I’m away from them. I’m doing this. I’m doing that I’m working on myself. I’m seeing a counselor and college etc., etc., etc. And it was kind of like, yeah, no, I’m not the one. That’s lazy. Thank you. Do you see where I’m going? You got to challenge those thoughts. You got to challenge them.
So, there were a few articles on Psychology Today on mindfulness that I thought were really interesting. Let’s see if I can find it. And I’m going to need glasses because eyes are old. Okay, let’s see. Okay. Okay. This is by Jason Linder. And this is on psychology today. And it’s called The Paradox of mindfulness. So, the paradox of mindfulness is, like I said, you don’t want to get stuck in the conceptual, you want to stay in the experiential, because as soon as you get stuck in the conceptual, that’s when you start telling yourself stories, oh, I can’t do this. Because of this, I can’t do that. Because of this. I’m too old. I’m too young. I’m too fat. I’m too thin. I’m too, you know, whatever. And we tell ourselves these stories that are simply not true. So, you want to stay in the experiential, you want to get out of your head, okay.
Seven mindfulness insights, we suffer more in imagination and thoughts, story mode than in the reality of it.
Kris Godinez 20:54
For example, thinking about an upcoming challenge is almost always worse than dealing with them in the present. So when I am working with clients, I have clients all the time go, this is hard. Okay, it is a challenge. It is a challenge, surviving abuse is a challenge. But if you tell your mind that it’s hard, that subconscious is going to latch on to that and it is going to make it hard. It doesn’t need to be difficult, guys, it doesn’t! Is it fun to survive abuse, no, not any more fun than it was going through it, however you can do it, it is a challenge, it’s going to encourage you to stretch the limits of what you thought you could do. And that’s the beautiful thing, you really, really start learning who you are. And that is terrifying for some of us going against all of that story that our abusers shoved into our head. So there is that and we suffer more in imagination than we do in reality. So instead of looking at a task as Oh, this is going to be horrible. Well, it’s going to be a challenge, it’s going to be a challenge. So for example, when we were remodeling the house, you know, we had to literally pack everything up out of the house and get the house cleared out so that they could do a complete remodel. It was not going to be fun, necessarily. But I wasn’t about to sit there and make it worse than it was. So you’ve got to be able to go okay, it’s going to be a challenge. It’s going to be a lot of hard work. And we can do it. We can do it. And we did, you know, so you always got to be careful what you say to yourself. Because the ones the people who tell themselves, Oh, it’s going to be awful. It’s going to be terrible. They’re going to make it awful. They’re going to make it terrible.
You don’t want to repeat what the abuser does. The abuser makes everything awful. Everything terrible, everything difficult. If there was a hard road and an easy road, I could guarantee you my dad would inevitably take a hard road, why self-esteem, he didn’t have any. And he wanted to suffer. And he wanted everybody else around him to suffer. And that’s why he hated me, because I generally am usually in a pretty good mood and pretty happy. So yeah, so there that is, so just be aware of what are you repeating? Where did you learn this from? This is not even your thought! Get rid of it. So you don’t want to look at things in the future as hoard challenge? Sure. Hard? No. Okay.
The mindfulness mode we cultivate in meditation directly strengthens our capacity for concentration, while temporarily by while temporary by nature, as concentration grows, it is inherently pleasurable. This pleasure can spread to seemingly mundane tasks. So, in other words, like we talked about, when you’re doing a mundane task, be present with it. What does the soap feel like in your hand? What is the temperature of the house? What are you thinking? What are you feeling? With no judgment! No judgment. So we talked a little bit last week about somebody asked the question, I will How long should a chore take as long as it takes. Because there’s that tendency to judge. It’s like, well, it should be done at this time. It could be done at that time, it would be.. shoulda, coulda, woulda, you’re shooting all over yourself. No, you stay in the present moment. It takes as long as it takes. And you do it to the best of your ability. And that’s it. So, you stay in the present moment. Without telling a story.
The ability to witness without automatically getting hooked into a certain narrative substantially increases the quality of life. For us to be stressed, we often need to perceive a threat, which can frequently be from the verbal meaning we ascribe to it. If we are not conscious, if we do not practice mindfulness, and we are a survivor of abuse, our amygdala will constantly be on high alert that’s part of PTSD. It’s part of CPTSD. What’s going on with this, this feels like a threat to him. But if we don’t identify what we think is a threat, we can’t soothe it. Let me say that again, if we don’t identify what we think is a threat, we can’t soothe it. So you’ve got to be able to identify what the thought was. Where was the threat? What were you thinking right before you had your panic attack? What were you thinking right before you felt angry? Because remember, anger is a part of the fight, flight, freeze or fawn? What were you thinking? What was the threat, and then challenge it? Okay, this is not a real threat. This is from when I was being abused. This is no longer valid, I no longer need to act on it. Thank you very much amygdala, go pound sand. Do you see where I’m going with that?
Okay. Um, all right. By practicing mindfulness of emotion, you can learn to watch anger or any feeling, instead of automatically getting caught up in the story around it in doing so you can experience that is virtually impossible to stay angry for very long without following the trains of thought anger would aimlessly take and thickening the fabric of the story that was justifying it.
Kris Godinez 26:04
The half life of an emotion by itself without being fueled by thought is roughly a minute and a half, 90 seconds. So, when we allow ourselves to get wrapped up in that surface emotion that that here’s the surface anger, right? When we allow ourselves to get wrapped up in that surface emotion, we start telling stories, and we start justifying it, that’s when we get stuck in it. And that’s when we get angry all the time. Non-Stop. Do I have personal experience with that one? Yes. As teenager as a young adult, I was angry all the damn time and I would justify it. I would, I totally would. Because I just did not know how to cope with PTSD. The CPTSD from my dad didn’t know how to cope. Once I started really delving into it with Fabian Smith up at Portland and really working on the depression and the anxiety and the PTSD and everything else. Boy, how it was that a relief. So it’s not allowing yourself to get stuck in your story. Don’t get stuck in the emotion. Again, you are the sky, the emotions and the thoughts or the weather, allow them to come in. Stick around for 90 seconds. Interesting. I wonder where that came from, and then pass, write it out, challenge it or do whatever you need to with it, but don’t get stuck in it.
Okay, you can witness the negative feelings are intrinsically transitory, and observing them with curiosity, independent of the narrative underlying them. So, a lot of times when negative thoughts pop in, we latch on to them. And we invite them in for coffee and then they stay for dinner. You don’t want to do that. They’re transitory again, you are this sky. The stuff coming in and out is the weather. You just acknowledge it. Yeah, I heard I see it. And I don’t need to do anything about it. Thank you, and let it go. Unless you do need to do something about it, in which case, you write it down and challenge it, do whatever you need to do about it. But the negative stuff, the Oh, you’re a bad person. Oh, you’re not good enough. Oh, da, da, da, da, da. And then we start getting wrapped up in that story. And we start feeling worse and worse and worse and worse. And pretty soon we’re circling the drain, because we’ve told ourselves so many horrible things that are not true and don’t even belong to us. Who does all that crap belong to? Kids do not pop out of the womb, telling themselves that they’re doo, doo! But narcissists, do as soon as that kid is able to hear they start in. So, it’s not yours, get rid of it sorted out, dissect what is yours? What is theirs, you know? And a lot of times when I tell people it’s like, Okay, where did you get that thought from? Oh, it’s mine? No, it’s not who taught you this? Oh, I don’t know. And then months later down the line when they’re able to really confront the abuse and able to really deal with the fact that their family of origin was dysfunctional and defective and cruel and vicious, then they’re able to go that wasn’t even my thought that was my dad’s that was my mom’s that was, you know, my grandparents that was this, that it was too threatening in the beginning to kind of latch on to and go on and they go, Oh, no, no, it’s fine. And that’s what kids do. Kids are very egocentric in that. They think everything is them. And it’s not, we don’t pop out of the womb hating ourselves guys, we do not pop out of the womb hating ourselves. In fact, our natural state is calm, is quiet. Chaos and drama has to be taught. Chaos and drama has to be taught. Self-hatred has to be taught. There we go.
Okay, um, okay, you can access a sense of wellbeing from merely being alive and syncing your innate ever-present aliveness, which you cultivate through the mindfulness practice. So, in other words, this is in the Glenn Schiraldi book and this is where a lot of people who’ve had very abusive relationships have a hard time with when Glenn Schiraldi starts talking about you have intrinsic value, you have intrinsic worth. It’s okay for you to be.
Kris Godinez 30:10
Just be. It’s okay. Regardless of what family of origin said, regardless of what the abuser has said, regardless of what the abusive boss has said, regardless of what the abusive or toxic friends have said, You have a right to be, you have a right and you have value. And you have worth regardless of what they’ve said what they say no longer matters. Self-esteem comes from inside, working on you. Working on that dialog kicking out the inner critic, the inner bully, replacing it with the inner cheerleader. That’s what you want. Okay.
All right, just like sleep and hunger, the mind is malleable. It can relearn to settle into stillness. Naturally. Stillness is a natural state, think of the moment you were conceived. Or think of moments when you were just calm. Just like the stillness, 30 feet under the ocean, below the surface level agitation. Ironically, when we welcome distraction during meditation, it happens less so in other words, what you resist persists. So, if a distraction comes in like say, you’re working on meditation, and you’re feeling the arrogance, your skin and you’re staying in the present moment, and suddenly the grocery list comes in. Well, instead of being like, angry about it or upset, you just kind of go…. Yeah, there’s the grocery list. Okay, I welcome it in What Am I distracting myself from? What was I feeling a moment ago? I was feeling calm. Ooh, my family calm was not okay. Ooh, that’s interesting. Curiosity. Get curious with the thoughts. Don’t get angry. Get curious. What is this about? Where’s this coming from? Where did I learn this? That’s interesting that it would distract me in the moment that I was feeling calm. Hmm. Interesting thought, okay.
Kris Godinez 32:05
Okay, you welcome distraction during the meditation, it happens less. Practicing brings you closer to the stillness, mindfulness, thus may be the wrong word. When we hear the prefix mind, it links to verbal thinking in our minds, which, as I’ve just expounded, isn’t mindfulness. It’s a poor translation of the original word in the Pali language, which is heartfulness presence, or systematic attentional training, all of those terms may be better. So there is that one.
So mindfulness, what are you thinking? What are you feeling? Are you judging what you’re thinking and feeling you don’t have to, you don’t have to You are the sky, the thoughts and the emotions or the weather, allow them to come in and go out. If something distracts you in the middle of meditation or noticing? You know, you’re being mindful and you’re starting to feel calm, and suddenly, something pops into your head. Whoa, okay. You just kind of go isn’t that interesting? What did it interrupt, oh, it interrupted this moment of stillness, this it interrupted this moment of aliveness and interrupted this moment of calm. Because remember, in abusive families, calm is not allowed. Calm is not allowed It’s always drama. It’s always upset. It’s always, you know, dear Lord, what’s next? You know, that kind of thing. So just allow, allow, allow, allow. Alright, so there was something else I wanted to talk about.
Okay. So mindfulness, in trauma is going to bring up things, flashbacks, emotions, etc. So you’ve got to be prepared for that. And this is why I’m saying get with a good trauma therapist as you start working on you. And as you start feeling safer with you, things are going to resurface or things are going to come to the forefront or things are going to suddenly you’re going to be allowed to think about them.
How many times have we, you know, not remembered something that was traumatic and important in our past. And suddenly, when we felt safe, either in therapy or doing our own work or whatever, suddenly those memories come back. That’s to be expected. That’s normal. But you’ve got to be able to know how to deal with them. So again, when a flashback happens, you’ve got to remember, the amygdala can’t tell the difference. It cannot tell the difference between past, present, future. So if a flashback happens, you just acknowledge it and you remind yourself this is not here and now. This is from the past. I am safe. I am okay. Everything’s fine. So, yeah, you’re going to you’re going to have flashbacks, you may have panic attacks as you start your mindfulness journey, because we’ve never done this before. We’ve never been allowed to be calm or quiet or happy or peaceful or still or any of the other things. So there that is I just wanted to make you aware that there may be flashbacks and yes, I won’t get to the questions. So hold on just a second. Okay, one more thing.
Kris Godinez 35:16
It helps to read Mindfulness helps relieve anxiety, believe it or not, it can create anxiety and that yes, we may have flashbacks. But it also helps to relieve it. If you’re mindful of it. What are we thinking? What are we feeling? Why did this happen? Where did this come from? What was I thinking right before the panic attack occurred? That’s going to help you. That’s really truly going to help you being mindful of what you say, how you say it to yourself. Now, I don’t want toxic positivity. Let’s not go there where you’re like, everything’s fine. No, no. It’s like, okay, you know what, good enough. Middle Road, I am good enough. Hi, good to see you. Have a great day, I give you permission to like yourself, and you know what, you are good enough, and then walk out. So, you’re not doing this over the top, you know, you’re great, you’re wonderful, you’re this, you’re that you’re going to just acknowledging that you’re good enough middle road, right, and you’re not doing the toxic positivity, everything’s fine. There’s nothing wrong, you know, you’re not doing that. You’re acknowledging, validating yourself, you’re letting go, and you’re staying in the present moment.
So, ways that you can stay in the present moment would be pick an activity. And notice how you judge it, let it go. Let it go. Don’t judge yourself for judging. This is brand new behavior. So remember, it’s going to take practice. So, notice if there’s any judgement, let it go. Stay in the present moment. What does the air feel like on your skin? How do your clothes feel against your body? What is the soap feel like in your hand, or whatever activity is you’re doing? Just notice the present moment. And practice. It takes practice, guys, it does. And especially for those of us that have come from highly chaotic, very dramatic households. It does feel weird. Stillness feels weird. Calm feels weird. Allow yourself to feel weird. It’s okay. Alright, let’s dive into the questions since I’ve gone way over, okay.
What to do when something happens that seems to confirm the story for instance, the story is that you’re a failure. And you made a big mistake at work. What do you say to yourself into that moment? You’re human, you made a mistake. What’s the next right step? So the only way we can ever truly fail? Is it just throwing hands up in the air is damp. You know, because it’s like then you don’t you don’t move forward, you don’t grow, you know, you know, whatever. So, we’re going to make mistakes. We’re human. Congratulations, you’re human. And I’m glad you’re human. So, narcissists, abusers are the ones that are like, No, you have to be perfect. And if you’re not perfect, you’re wrong. You’re loser. They’re just terrible. Good God. So the truth of the matter is, we are human. We are going to make mistakes. This is how we learn. How do babies learn, they learn by making mistakes. So like, if you’re teaching a baby to walk, they’re going to start by crawling, and then when they stand up, they’re going to toddle along and they’re going to fall.
Kris Godinez 38:18
And then they’ll stand back up and learn balance, and then they’ll toddle along and then they’ll fall. A healthy person does not make a person wrong. For doing that, but narcissists, do narcissists teach us that we have to be perfect all the time. And we do not we do not. Are we going to make mistakes? Oh, my God, yes, there are times when I have stuck both of my feet into my mouth. And I’ve had to go back and you know what, I stuck my feet, my mouth. I am really sorry. That was not my intention to hurt you. True apology. Hello, I own it. I did it. I’m mortified. What do you need? How can I fix this? And that’s all you can do. That’s all you can do. And you fix it to the best of your ability. You know, work situations can be a little dicey if the boss is an abuser, or if you’ve got coworkers who are looking for a scapegoat. So that’s something you may want to be aware of and look at. And but for you personally, okay, you made a mistake. What how do you fix it? What’s the next right step? On it, take ownership, take responsibility. What’s the next right step? How can you fix it? What needs to be done? But do not beat yourself up. It’s not like we wake up in the morning and we go, hey, you know what, I’m going to intentionally make a mistake. No mistakes are just that they’re unintentional. They happen and then it’s like, okay, Clean up on aisle five. What do I need to do? Where’s the mop? What do I do? How do I fix this and you forgive yourself? So a great book for self-forgiveness is Colin Tipping, Radical Self Forgiveness. It really is a good book. I really highly recommend it. And a lot of us come out of these relationships, just beating the living to crap out of ourselves, for every little, tiny mistake, because the abuser demanded that we be perfect, and they were the least perfect people walking the face the planet. So that’s normal to do that, but you want to get out of that very bad habit of beating yourself up. Okay?
Is hyper focusing on a task a form of dissociation? Yes, it is, in a way, it’s a way to keep ourselves safe. So hyper focusing, hyper vigilance, hyper focusing, we’re trying to be perfect. Again, we’re trying to not make a mistake, we’re trying to do it perfectly so that we don’t get punished. So, it can be a form of dissociation, if we get completely locked into what we’re doing. And we’re just not even present. Yes, that can be a form of dissociation 100%. So that is something I would strongly suggest you journal about, you know, write it out, when do you find yourself doing that? What tasks are being done? That creates that hyper vigilance, what’s, you know, what are you thinking? What are you feeling? What were you thinking about, right? Before you recognize you’re going into hyper vigilance. So that would be something to take a look at. Also, if you can get with a good trauma therapist, that would help too. So yeah, that that can be a form of dissociation if we if we’re not present. So think about it this way. Mindfulness is being present all the time, like in our bodies, hello, I’m in my body. I’m aware of the way the lights are doing. I am aware of the fan hitting my skin, I’m aware of my butt in the chair, I’m, you know, I’m in the present moment, I’m listening to the birds singing out the window, I can hear them. You know, it’s like you’re staying in the present moment, you know, kind of thing and you’re not judging yourself. That is the big thing is that when people start judging themselves, that’s when they’ve gone into the conceptual that’s when they’ve gone into their heads. That’s when they’re hurting themselves. So gentle with you Gentle, gentle, gentle with you. No judging. No judging, it’s like, okay, so you’re being hyper vigilant about this. You’re kind of dissociating, what was going on? What was happening? What were the thoughts you’re having right before you notice it? Get with a good trauma therapist and start working on that so that you stay in the present moment and give yourself some grace? You know what I’m saying? Just be gentle with you.
Kris Godinez 42:28
Okay, Schiraldi book writes that we should spend five minutes a day checking in with the inner child? Yes. Always at the same time of day, I can do five minutes, but I can’t keep the same time is that okay? You know, do it as close as you can do it as close as you can. That’s why I recommend the mirror work in the morning. So, if you’re if you’re in the mirror and you’re talking yourself you kind of already talking to your inner child because that’s who kind of we’re talking to when we’re doing the mirror work you know, we’re looking at ourselves with love, first of all. Non-judgmental 100% No Strings Attached I love you have a great day. You know, it’s good to see you know that kind of thing. So you can combine those two in a way but make sure you do that every day make sure you do the mirror work every day without fail and if you can’t do it at the same time make sure you do it at some point during the day but consistency is what you’re looking for and I think the reason why Schiraldi said that is because in our lives chaos, absolute chaos, you know, I remember as a kid, it was always this you know, lights getting thrown on it four, five o’clock in the morning. Get up out of bed your Why are you so lazy? Why are you so slow? Why are you so this wire so that everything was rushed? Everything was rushed. And I as I’ve aged and as I’ve gone through my own therapy, recognize Ooh, you know what if there’s one thing well, there’s three things in life, I really, really hate cold toilet seats, cold pools, and being rushed. And those all go back to my childhood. So it’s like, okay, if I’m going to take care of myself, I want to treat working on me, like I am having a gourmet meal, I want to go slow. I want to be consistent. I want to taste every emotion. I want to taste everything I need to be doing to work on myself. Because I am worth it. I have worth, you have worth. So figure out what’s going on. It’s preventing you from doing it the same time every day. It could have something to do with being rushed as a kid or it could be doing with time management, like we talked about last week. So, for example for me, I get up at about the same time every morning, I go do my mirror work, I brush my teeth, the whole thing. And then I start my day, go for a walk whatever. So you want to be consistent, it is consistent and you’re worth it. It sounds like L’Oréal commercial but you’re worth it. You’re worth it. You’re Self Esteem is worth it your because your self-esteem is connected to your freedom. That’s the way to look at it. It’s like you got good self-esteem. It makes you bulletproof. It does. Because you will not put up with abusers again, because your self-esteem is going to kick in and go, Ah, no, no, oh, you don’t get to talk to me that way. No thank you, that you good bye, you know. So self-esteem is really the key. So keep working on the Schiraldi book, try to do it at the same time every day. Look at your time schedule, how’s your time management? What’s going on? And why? What’s keeping you from being consistent? What’s keeping you from doing it at the same time? And if you can’t, okay, fit it in when you can, again, don’t beat yourself up. But get curious what’s going on? Why is this happening? Why can’t I do it at the same time every day? What’s you know, is this having to do with time management? Is this having to do with procrastination to have to do with my childhood? What’s going on? Get curious and find out and see what’s happening, but do try to be as consistent and close to as possible. So, mirror work in the morning is a way to connect with the inner child. So you can kind of knock those two out at once. So think about that. All right. Okay. Um, doo doo doo.
Can one consider people with PPD? PPD? They remind me of people with NPD Okay, PPD Hold on, I need to remind myself what PPD is. Hold on. PP be sorry, my brain is kind of toast right now. Postpartum depression? Is that what we’re talking about? I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about with PPD. Is it postpartum depression? Because that’s the first thing that came up. Um, PPD, if you could clarify what you’re talking about, that would be incredibly helpful. And I will then answer that question on Wednesday, because I’m just about to run out of time here. So or unless you can get the paranoid Oh, paranoid personality disorder. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Um, no, it is different. So paranoid personality disorder is when somebody believes that everyone is out to get them.
Kris Godinez 47:24
Like, you know, government agencies, or the neighbor next door or, you know, whatever. So, can a narcissist have that you betcha. So you can have two personality disorders going on at once. They’re not mutually exclusive. So, narcissists, oftentimes are very paranoid. They are, and they accuse everybody of doing what they would do. So, with paranoid personality disorder, it’s not so much that it’s what they would do, it’s just that they feel that everyone is out to get them. So, but with a narcissist, the difference is, it’s because they know how they would act, they know what they would do. And so they immediately assume everyone is going to act the way they think. So that’s why they accuse people of the things that they would do, because that’s what they would do. They’re showing you who they are. So it’s very, very different. It is very different. It’s similar, but it’s different. So with the paranoid personality disorder, they genuinely believe that other people are out to get them to do them harm, etc. With narcissistic personality disorder. And you can have both, like I said, with narcissistic personality disorder, that form of paranoia is because they know how they would treat other people. And so they expect other people to treat them the way they would treat other people because remember to them, there’s no difference. There. We are just an extension of them. Everyone is an extension of them. And so if they would do something, they expect the other person to do that. So there that is, okay.
Is dissociation always bad. It happened a lot. It happens a lot. Sometimes it’s scary. Sometimes chunks of time are gone. Sometimes it feels nice, like meditative. I’m not sure how to feel about dissociation. Well, dissociation, generally takes you out of the present moment. Dissociation means that the lights are on the engine is running and you have checked out. That’s not mindfulness. That’s not meditation. So is it bad. It’s a form of protection. It’s dissociation. Honest to God has kept us safe in the past. Because when we’ve gone through something incredibly traumatic, our minds just kind of go Yeah, no, can’t cope. Thanks for playing. And we’re gone. Because we can’t deal with the trauma that’s going on at the moment. So is it bad? Well, no, it served a purpose. And now though, is keeping us out of the present moment. So, I would get with a really good therapist that can help you stay in the present moment and deal with whatever trauma has caused you to start dissociate. So that’s what I was. I wouldn’t look at it as bad because honestly, it’s like think about it, it kept us safe when we were kids, it did you know. So thank you dissociation, I really appreciate that you tried to keep me safe. And now it’s not helping. So we need to do something different. I’m going to need to work and figure out how to be in the present moment, and stay in the present moment. So get with a good trauma therapist with somebody who understands dissociation, get with somebody that can help you stay in the present when we deal with the trauma, and work on feeling safe, because we dissociate, when we don’t feel safe. That’s, that’s why we dissociate, we don’t feel safe. So we just kind of go, gone. So to work on that, don’t make yourself wrong, do not make yourself wrong, and realize the dissociation was there to protect us at one point, it’s outlived its usefulness, though. So that’s why you want to work on mindfulness, okay.
Um, while in the mindfulness and a flashback comes up, and it doesn’t make sense, or, or parts seem to be missing. How do you proceed, write them down? Write them down. So if you’re, if you’re in meditation, or if you’re in mindfulness, and suddenly a flashback happens, and you’re like, Da Fu Q, what, you know, what was that? Keep a notepad by and, you know, okay, I’m going to write this down now. And you write it down, so that you can process it and work it through, you know? And that will happen. It’s like, sometimes we will have flashbacks, and we’ll be like, That doesn’t even make sense. Why? Why? When did this you know? And then you kind of try to piece it together? What time period was it? How old were you? What was happening? What were you feeling? Were we smelling? What were you tasting?
Kris Godinez 51:45
What were you seeing? Were we, you know, you kind of work it through? So yeah, that does happen, that really honest about it does happen. Give yourself a break, give yourself a break. If after writing it out, you’re still kind of like, you know, because flashbacks can be triggering, that’s a good way to put it upsetting. You know, if you’re like Holy Moses, then take a break, take a break, get a glass of water, go do something else. At some point, come back to it, you know, but recognize that that is in fact going to happen, flashbacks are going to happen. And don’t make yourself wrong for them. And if they don’t make sense, that’s okay. Because they may not make sense right now. But trust me in a few weeks, a few months, maybe in a few years, it’ll suddenly make sense. And I’ve had that happen with clients where they’ll tell me about a flashback that they had, they’re like, but that doesn’t make sense. And I’m like, write it down. Let’s just keep this on the backburner. And we’ll see where this goes. And then like a month or two later, they’ll be like, Oh, my God, this makes so much more sense now. And then they’ll relate the whole the whole thing that happened, and it suddenly clicks. So, and again, our brains do not deal with things until we’re able to deal with things. There’s a reason why we don’t always remember right off the bat, or there’s a reason why we’ve forgotten certain events. And it’s because we’re not ready to deal with them. And when they start coming back, that’s really a good sign that’s like, Oh, I feel safe. I feel safe enough to remember this. I feel like I had the tools now to deal with this. So that’s a good sign. So just realize there’s going to be bits and pieces that show up and you’re like, I don’t understand why is it showing up? Just write them down. And just you know, eventually it will kind of click it will as you feel safer as you feel more able to deal with things. It’ll click it will I promise. Okay, do we have any more questions?
Let me see. Okay, when you were growing up, did your rushing Narcissist always rush you around? Yes. And then make you wait for things? Yes. Oh my God, it was always my fault. Always. And that’s what they do. Hurry. Yeah, you’re lazy. You’re too slow. You’re this, you’re that and then, you know, we’d be ready to go. And the narcissist would be like, do I’m going to drink a coffee? I’m going to blah, blah, blah. And then we’d be late, yeah, absolutely. They do that they love drama, and they love an excuse to yell at us. So that’s why they do that.
My mother in particular would have us running like crazy and then make us late. Yes, sabotage. And then they can tell everybody that you’re the problem. So yes, absolutely. You’re not alone. This is this is apparently a common thing. I didn’t realize it until you know, I started working on myself and I started listening to support groups and things like that. So yeah, they do. They rush us around. They you’re slow. You’re this you’re that you’re lazy. And then they’re the ones that are dragging their feet and make us late or they sabotage or they forget, forget something important that we needed for school or something important that we needed for the job interview or whatever, you know. Yeah, absolutely. 110% All right, kids, you guys be really good to yourselves. Take care. each other drink plenty of water. Take care of yourselves. So have a great week guys, be gentle with you be gentle with you if you take nothing else away from this show. Be gentle with you. This is a process. Don’t judge be gentle Okay? All right, sweetie, I will talk to you later.
Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.
You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.