We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez

10-17-2021 DEALING WITH PARENTS IN LAWS AND EX LAWS
This week on We Need To Talk With Kris Godinez, Kris covers the topic of narcissistic parents/inlaws/exlaws and finds she runs out of time and will have to do another episode on inlaw/exlaws. She answers your questions about dealing with difficult in laws and parents.

Audio coming soon.

TRANSCRIPT

Kris Godinez  00:02

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Kris Godinez  01:02

All right. So let’s get down to what we were going to be talking about today. So, dealing with, normally when I talk about hoovering or when I talk about the holidays, it’s usually the romantic stuff. It’s usually the romantic partners that do the hoovering. However, parents also do the hoovering. So, parents, in laws, ex laws, that kind of thing. And so how to deal and somebody recently sent me a question saying you know, I’m 60 years old, I came from narcissistic parents, I am still struggling, you know, how do I how do I work through this? So, I want to talk about parents in laws, ex laws, how to deal with them, so Okay, let’s get to the first one. So, this is from the website choosing therapy, which I think is great. It’s written by Negapangi Thomas, and she is an LPC and a PhD. So, this is signs of having narcissistic parents; Constantly needing the conversation to be about them, no matter what great thing has happened to you it’s always about them. Immature and selfish behavior so, they parentify the kids and they abdicate being the parent and suddenly you’re the parent to the adult, so codependency very much a real thing. So, there is that bragging about your achievements to others but never acknowledging you or supporting you emotionally. So, in other words, they’ll tell everybody “Oh, look at my son or daughter, look at how fabulous they are!” But what they’ll do is they’ll take the credit for it. So narcissistic parents will always inevitably “Well I showed them the way, I trained them how to…” me, me, me, more my genitals. That’s basically how a narcissist does it. Good lord anyway, and so you know, the, the kid will have done something amazing, and the parent will try to take credit for it, which is really annoying. And they don’t ever give credit to the kid. They’re never like, “I’m so proud of my son, I’m so proud of my daughter, they’ve worked so hard for this”, you know, this is all them, they never, you know, give them credit for what they have done. They try to take the credit themselves, blaming others for any problems you may have that may actually stem from their own behavior. So, for example, kids start acting out, right, because when we’re with a crazy parent or two, then we start acting out we do, we start you know, having anxiety, we start having depression, we start having failure in school, you know, we start having all of these behavioral issues because we’re dealing with crap at home. And so instead of a healthy parent going, “Holy cow, we got to fix this. Let’s get into therapy. Let’s get it better. Let’s make it right.” They will blame the school system. They’ll blame the neighbors, they’ll blame who you’re hanging out with. They’ll blame you. They’ll blame, you know, everybody and their dog, except for them. So, a great example of that is in my book. What’s wrong with your dad? My dad, I was in therapy. And I was in therapy because my dad was crazy. Let’s just brass tacks here. He was crazy. He was cuckoo for cocoa puffs. There’s no nice way to say it. So, he was crazy. And I was in therapy because I was having anxiety. I was having depression, I was having behavioral issues. I was having all these suicidal thoughts, the whole thing because you know, teenager living at home with a narcissistic parent is not a good thing. So, when he found out I was in therapy, rather than being concerned and going “Good for you, I’m glad you’re getting help. That’s great!  because he knew he was the problem. They know people, let’s not kid ourselves here. They know. They know. Do not kid yourself. They know. He knew he was the problem. And he didn’t want his part of it to be exposed. So, he made sure I couldn’t go to therapy. He yanked the funding for it and threatened me threatened my mom threatened everybody and their dog, you know. So, that’s what they do because they don’t want the kids to get help and they don’t take responsibility for why the kid is acting out why does the kid have depression? Let me just clue you into something it is not normal for a teenager in a healthy family to have anxiety, depression, OCD, suicidal thoughts, obviously Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Hello? You know I mean it’s not normal that is not normal and they those kind of parents don’t ever want the kids to get help or get therapy because they’re part of it is going to be exposed and so they’ll blame everybody they’ll blame anybody they can except themselves so um let’s see blaming others being well liked and important to others but controlling and harsh when no one was around so parental units that are narcissistic very much into the

Kris Godinez  05:47

other approval so they need that social approval so there’ll be pillars of the community right? They will go socialize they will “Oh look up to me! Respect me! I’m a pillar of the community blah blah blah..” but behind closed doors, you know, and they’re giving all of this stuff to total strangers they’ll help total strangers kids they’ll give you know scholarships to total strangers kids, but with their own children “Oh you need to work for that! You don’t deserve a scholarship! You, you’re not smart enough you’re dadadadada. I mean, they’re horrible, horrible, horrible human beings! Horrible! So, they will treat total strangers in the community wonderfully, they’ll give scholarships to them, they’ll encourage them to go to college and better themselves but their own family? “How dare you! How dare you! You’re not smart enough! You can’t do that! You dadadada!” Middle finger to those parents. Okay, so um, alright, so there’s that hang on. Um, they make you feel bad for not doing what they want immediately. And I used to say this all the time with my dad when he said “Jump!” if you didn’t ask “How high?” you were going to get an ass beating. You really were. So, it’s very much a “Comply with me right now!” There’s no waiting. There’s no nothing. I’m not talking about your typical teenager who’s like, okay, five minutes, you know? It’s like, irrational wanting it complied with, right this Mother clucking Second, you know, I mean, just crazy. So, it’s like they want immediate compliance with whatever they’ve asked for right then right now, “How dare you not jump and ask how high!” you know, that kind of thing. I’m getting a little pissed off about this. Well, it’s because I grew up with it. You know, I know what it’s like to have a narcissistic parent. I know what it’s like to have disordered parent and it sucks. It does. It sucks. And it leaves us feeling inadequate. It leaves us feeling incompetent. It leaves us feeling less than. it leaves us feeling crazy. It leaves us feeling outsider. We, I’ve always felt until you know my late adulthood like an outsider because we had a crazy parent that was doing all of this crazy stuff. You know? So, um, I’ll give you an example of that. I remember a friend of mine went to community college. I think it was in Yuba City. And so, some other kid said “Oh, I’m from Gridley”, and he said “Oh do you know the my last name?” And um, and he was like, “Oh, they’re crazy!” and I’m like, well not all of us thank you there’s a couple of us that have actually had therapy and understand that the patriarch is nuts so yeah, but because of the way my dad acted everybody automatically assumed everyone in the family was crazy and so you always felt like an outsider because you were always getting judged based off of what the crazy Narcissus was doing is that fair? Hell no! Hell no! So, there is that! Sorry, I just went off on a tangent. Okay making you feel guilty remember fear, obligation, guilt? By boasting about how much they have done for you. “I put a roof over your head! I put food on the table I gave you clothing, I did… I, I, I, me, me, me, more and more and more you know, it’s like they they you know they make it sound like you should be any honestly gratitude is one thing but they make it sound like you should be basically bowing down to them for doing basic needs Maslow’s hierarchy of basic needs, food, shelter, water. It’s like, come on any even moderate parent would do that. So why am I having to overly thank you for providing food when I’m a child? You know, I mean, literally that’s what they do. That’s absolutely what they do. They they make you feel guilty for the basic needs, which then causes us as children of narcissists, children of malignant borderlines to grow up feeling like oh my gosh, I don’t have a right to exist. My gosh, I’m a burden. I, raise your hand if that feels really effing familiar because it really does to me. So yeah, we grow up feeling like we’re a burden. We grow up feeling like, Oh my gosh, I you know, I don’t deserve even basic needs and I should be so grateful for just basic needs.

Kris Godinez  10:18

What the? Yeah, there’s that. Okay. So, let’s continue, shall we? So, remember fear, obligation, guilt, guilt, fear, obligation, guilt is fog. And that’s the clear sign of a toxic relationship and abusers. So okay, covert and overt act a little differently. So overt Narcissus, like my dad used intimidation. That’s how he got his way was intimidation and fear. So, his whole version of being a parent was to be intimidating and make you fearful of him. Fearful of his wrath, basically. Covert narcissists tend to use the guilt. I do all this for you, you never write you never call, how dare you blah, blah, blah, you know, they’re just like, constantly, well, maybe I can do this. It’s such a burden. You know, that kind of BS, you know what I’m saying? So, the covert ones tend to use the fear or the guilt. The overt ones tend to use the intimidation and fear, fear, obligation guilt, the covert ones also use obligation. The overt ones also use obligation, but it’s like, you know, so that’s, that’s how they do that, okay. I’m partially opinionated at home, but putting up a front for other people, so they play to their audience. So, they’re incredibly you know, inappropriate although I have to say my my dad was inappropriate no matter where he was, he did not have a filter at all. But he would play to an audience you know, he would, you know, try to socialize with them. But he was always weird. He was always just weird. But yeah, they will do that they will play to an audience just so loved by you know, when they love bomb and they figure out what it is you like, and then they level Well, they kind of do that in social situations play the communal ones. So, the if their audiences deeply religious, they’re suddenly deeply religious when at home, they’re not, you know, or if their audience is, I don’t know, interested in something, suddenly they’re interested in it, but at home, they’re not so they’re hypocrites. Just capital H hypocrites. Hello, there is that? Okay? Um, see, hold on, sorry.

Kris Godinez  12:37

Okay. Oh, ruthless and unforgiving, doing anything to be on top. So, they will compete with their own children, I have a feeling this is going to be a two parter, because I think I’m only going to have time to cover parents. And then I’m going to have to cover in laws of ex laws. I hope you guys don’t mind. So, I’ll get as far as I can. But I think next week, we’re going to continue this because we need to cover the whole thing. So ruthless, ruthless and harsh. And always in competition. So narcissistic parents are in competition with literally everybody and their dog. They have to be on top, they have to be number one, they have to be the best at everything. You know, and they even compete with their own children, and they compete with their children sexually. They compete with their children in looks, they compete with their children in academics, they compete with their children in jobs, you know, and one of the main ways that I’ve seen narcissist, really hobble and sabotage a kid is to demand that they take over the quote unquote, family business. So, in my family, I came from eight generations of lawyers, not surprisingly, eight generations of raging alcoholics and probably eight generations of frickin narcissists. So, his dad forced him to become a lawyer. He didn’t want to become a lawyer. He wanted to be an opera singer. And he would have been much happier had he gone off and been an opera singer and never had children. So, but he did what his dad wanted, because he was trying to appease his dad, he’s trying to get daddy’s approval, right? So, he became a lawyer. So, it’s interesting in my family, he didn’t do that. He suggested it to a couple of us, but because my brother wasn’t interested in being a lawyer, my sisters and I were not interested in being a lawyer. It just kind of stopped, which was good, although he did kind of push it with one of my sisters, but she just was like, no, not interested. Thank you. And of course, he was also very misogynistic. So, it wasn’t necessarily a good thing to have a female lawyer because he hated women, so, so they’re, they’re misogynistic. They also hate men. They hate everybody. I’ve seen female narcissists hate their male sons and hobble them with fear. You know, terrify them, tell them things, show them pictures of burnt children and say this is going to happen to you if you go out of the house. You know, they’ll do that. I’ve seen male narcissist tell their female children that they’re stupid and women are supposed to be barefoot and pregnant and, you know, all of these horrible tropes that misogynists have. So, what I’m trying to say is, is that narcissists can be male or female, and they do harm to each, you know, sons and daughters equally. It doesn’t matter. They are just reprehensible POS’s okay? So, there is that okay, sorry, again, tangent. All right. They’re ruthless, they have to be on top and they will literally humiliate their children, if it gets them what they want. If they can humiliate the child and somehow look good doing it, they will, they will. So that takes our self-confidence away. Okay. They make you feel anxious, and after often lowering your confidence How funny I just said that. They’re absent in your life events. So, the really important things that happen in your life, you know, graduation, weddings, babies, writing a book, you know, whatever, they just won’t be there for it because they can’t win because you outdid them. So, their whole thing is, if they can’t be number one, then they just won’t show up. And they’ll just pretend it didn’t happen. You know, so that Yeah, and they’ll do that. And they’ll get incredibly jealous if you if you get a degree higher than they did. You know, I love my mom. I do. But she had issues. God loved her. She had issues when I graduated from college. She never got her college degree. She only got her high school degree. She never graduated from college. So, when I graduated from college, she was on a tear that day, she did everything she could to ruin my graduation, she started an argument with me, she, okay, check this out. She told me I couldn’t swear. Y’all know me, right? We’ve met, right? You’ve lived with me for the last 18 effing years, right? Yeah. Prior to my sponsor, I would be swearing up a blue streak, because that’s how I talk with a sponsor can’t do that, unfortunately. But, but she decided to pick that particular topic to start going after me. And what I realized in that moment was she was jealous. She was jealous because I had achieved a college degree. Which is why when I went to go get my master’s, I didn’t didn’t even tell her I was in the master’s program. I literally waited until about a week before I graduated, and said, Hey, by the way, I’m in the program, and I’m graduating this week, you’re more than welcome to come down.

Kris Godinez  17:33

And by that time, of course, dad had passed and she had been working on herself. So, things were a lot better. But the point being is, is it they they’ve got issues that they haven’t dealt with, they’re not dealing with their you know. And so yeah, they will try to ruin graduations, weddings, birthings, book, signings, books, you know, whatever, because it’s not about them, it’s not about them. This is also why they ruin holidays, because the holidays ultimately are not about them. The holidays are ultimately about either the holiday or the people around you. And they can’t stand that they have to be the center of attention. Now, if they can be the center of attention, they may behave okay. But more than likely not. There wasn’t a, there wasn’t a holiday that I went to, that my father didn’t end up either hitting me. I don’t know why sometimes I didn’t even say anything. He just said it was the look on my face, which excuse me for having an expressive face. You know, or I said something that he didn’t like, or he just decided he wanted to create drama. That’s what they do. They cannot stand peace and quiet. They cannot stand calm, they cannot stand loving, kind. Wonderful, good stuff. So, in answer to your question, my mom and I worked on it. When dad died, I immediately handed her every single book, I tell you guys to work to work. And she started reading them. And we had multiple talks. And we started working it through. And somebody recently asked me a question on forgiveness. And my sister and I were talking about this last night, the concept of forgiveness. So, the thing of it is, is you don’t have to forgive you don’t I think that’s a mistake that a lot of people and especially religious people shove on to survivors of abuse. And they go, Oh, you have to forgive? No, you don’t know. You don’t. And forgiveness is not about the other person. Forgiveness is about you coming to acceptance with what happened and understanding that it had nothing to do with you. It had nothing. I forgive myself. Oh, my. Yeah, it had nothing to do with you. It was about them. They were the crazy ones. We were reacting to crazy. And so we have to forgive ourselves and let them go. Let karma deal with them. That’s not our job. We don’t have to do anything because they’re going to get their own at some point. That’s what I believe. You can believe whatever you want. So, the nature of forgiveness is not about the other person. It is about us. It’s forgiving ourselves. It’s understanding the situation, and it’s not doing. So, Pema children talks about compassion versus idiot compassion. So, compassion, which is forgiveness, if you think about it, from a Buddhist point of view, is understanding why the person behaved the way they did. What happened, what where did this behavior come from what happened? Okay, I get it, and you get to be crazy town over there, I’m going to sane town, thank you very much, funkytown, maybe I don’t know, it’s gotten better beat, you know. So, it’s like, you get to go be crazy over there. I’m going to go live happily over here in funkytown, because I’m not playing. So that’s understanding why they are the way they are. But also choosing not to have them in your life, because you can’t fix them because you did not break them. You didn’t break them, you cannot fix them, only they can fix them, and nine times out of 10 they don’t want to fix themselves. So, um, any compassion, though, is where we go, oh, and we feel sorry for them. And the codependency kicks in, and oh, I need to fix you, I need to make you whole I need to I need to make you Okay, so I’m okay. Uh, uh! Wrong. Incorrect response, do not do that, that’s just going to mess you up. So, idiot compassion is where you decide that yes, you see why they are the way they are. But then it’s your job to fix them in that you have to have them in your life so that you can fix them. Don’t do it don’t don’t do it Frenchie, you’re not going to like it, it’s not going to be pretty it just will never end well ever. So, there is that! Sorry, I really am on a tangent. Okay, um, they make you engage in sports or other activities, despite your wishes. How many times have I had teenagers when I used to work with teens that would sit on my couch and go, I don’t want to play football. I like soccer, or I don’t like soccer. I like basketball or I don’t like basketball. I like baseball. But because the parent, the narcissistic parent liked that particular sport. They insist that their child go engage in that particular sport, and they can relive their golden days or whatever. So, it’s

Kris Godinez  22:26

your play into the kids strength. You know, if a kid is not interested in academia, then don’t have them do college that’s setting them up for failure. If they’re not good at school, they don’t like school, they don’t want to go and I don’t mean like high school or lower. I mean, like, once they’re done with high school, if they don’t want to continue on, don’t make them, you know, if they’re more mechanically inclined, help them get successful in that area. There’s their strength, play to that strength, give them something that they can use the rest of their lives, trust me, they’re not going to be using algebra. I have never once used algebra. I’m 56 years old, I have never used algebra. Take that math teachers. You know, I just I don’t use algebra. Some people do. And that’s great. And if you love math, God bless ya! I hate math. I don’t use algebra. I don’t. My big thing is history and English and things like that play to the strengths, guys. Play to the strengths. It just drives me crazy. When parents forced her kids, like my grandfather forced my dad to become a lawyer. He didn’t want to be a lawyer. You know, don’t force your kids to be something they don’t want to be or to play a sport they don’t want to play. Find out what interests them. But again, Narcissus don’t do that. Because that’s out of the wheel house. They don’t care what other people want or need. They only care about their wants and needs. And then that tells the kid “Oh, I guess what I want doesn’t matter.” Which is a self-esteem issue, which really all of this boils down to a self-esteem issue that they give us. Okay, I’ve got five minutes before I’m taking questions. Yeah, I’m gonna have to break this up, guys. I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize I was gonna go off on so many tangents. It’s probably because I’m up here visiting family. Okay, making you engage in sports, failing to provide warmth and emotional nurturance in the relationships. My dad was cold, absolutely cold. And if he wasn’t cold, he was sexually inappropriate. It was like, literally hot, faucet, cold faucet. So, there was no natural paternal dad kind of feelings from him. I never felt safe with him. I never felt loved. I never felt you know, like, I could be alone with him. I never you know, I did feel that with my mom, but I did not feel that with my dad. So, um, yeah, they don’t have that empathy cog going they don’t have that natural warmth, you know, like when you’re a mom or an aunt or whatever. And you see a little thing like Okay, so my sister apparently got a tortoise. She’s taking care of for her son, my nephew. And so she was showing me the tortoise. Oh, it is, you know, you get that maternal instinct or you get that, you know, paternal instinct or you get that parenting instinct wanting to keep little things safe, you know. But Narcissus don’t have that they will intentionally put their children in dangerous situations. My dad did it all the time. My sister and I were talking about this last night. So, like, they went to Hawaii. This is long before I was born. And Terry was 12 when her mom and my dad got together, okay, because Terry’s, my my stepsister. Although she’s my sister screw that noise. She’s my sister. So, dad drove them out on an area of a base that was doing live wargames. And he wouldn’t turn around. And both my sister and my mom were screaming at him to turn around, and he wouldn’t do it. Until finally the MP showed up and forced him to turn around and I’m just like, you’re a special kind of stupid, aren’t you? And then with me, he would put me in the car and he would play chicken all the time. driving to school, he would play chicken and he would do it on purpose. And he would look for my reaction. Because he enjoyed scaring the living crap out of me. He was an evil, evil man. So anybody who does that is just and Narcissus do that all the time. They put their children in dangerous situations all the time, on purpose. So there that is, okay. Using you to gain personal gain. Yeah, they use kids all the time. Jeezus God. I love Wil Wheaton. Holy cow. So if you read up on Wil Wheaton, his posts that he puts on Facebook, you should if you haven’t, you should, because he started really talking about what it was like to be raised by narcissistic or abusive parents.

Kris Godinez  26:49

And, um, he was, you know, talking about how he was just a moneymaker for them. You know, they didn’t care about his wants or needs. And it was just Money, money, money, money, money, how can I fulfill, you know, the mom’s need to have been an actress and she wasn’t so she’s gonna live through her son. I mean, he really does an amazing blog. So, if you have not read his blog, I strongly suggest you read it. You get a lot. I was reading it. And I’m like, Oh, I recognize that. Okay, a little triggered. But this is good, because that lets me know that we’re not alone. Okay. This is great, because other people have been through that. I mean, you still have to come from that inner child every once in a while and kind of go Yeah, you’re not alone. Yeah, this has happened to other people. Yeah, this is exactly what I went through as a kid. So, Wil Wheaton is great. Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. He was on Star Trek. He was awesome. So, um, alright. Can you explain the hoovering season? Okay, yeah, I’ll get to that in just a minute. I’m running at a time. Okay, let me finish this one article and then we will dive into the questions. I’m being bothered and annoyed when you need time and attention. How many times did I come home from school? Now actually, I think it only happened twice because after the second time I was like, oh, dad doesn’t like me. Okay. And I said Dad, something happened at school and I need your help. “Go away kid. I’m busy. I’m I’m watching the news. I don’t have time for you.” Literally. Great. So, what does that tell me? I don’t have time for you. You’re not important your problems are not important. Second up deal with it on your own. So again, self-esteem, self-esteem, self-esteem, self-esteem, self-esteem. It’s all self-esteem. It destroys the child’s self-esteem which is why I keep saying when we are healing from a narcissistic parent you must, you must, you must, you must, you must, get to work on the self-esteem, Self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. You’re a badass by Jensen, Sincero or any self-esteem workbook, start working it because the Narcissus whole goal in life, and I’ve said it before, I’m gonna say it again; They want us dead. They want us dead. They want us dead, either emotionally, spiritually, physically, or otherwise, they want us dead. And so, the best way to do that is to start eroding the kid’s self-esteem because what do most of us do when we come out of an abusive relationship with a parent? We turn to drugs and alcohol. Hi, my name is Kris Godinez. I’m an alcoholic. Yeah, we do that we turn to drugs and alcohol. Why? Because we’re trying to numb the nastiness that got shoved into our head that becomes our internal critic and every single nasty thing that I’ve ever thought literally has come from my dad. I can guarantee it, I can hear it. You know all of those thoughts were my dad’s stuff that he told me so how we speak to our children is becomes their internal voice if we’re kind and and, and encouraging and, you know, supportive etc, that becomes your internal cheerleader. If we’re mean and vicious and nasty and cruel and awful, that becomes the internal critic, how we speak to our children becomes their internal voice. I cannot stress that enough. So, there is that I’m sorry. I know one more thing, and I swear we’ll get to the questions. Okay.

Kris Godinez  30:17

Um, making poor excuses to limit time together. Yeah, they do that, oh, I’ve got to go to work. You know, I’ve got to go clean the garage. I’ve got you know, whatever. Displaying sudden mood changes, volatile anger. Absolutely. They do that, my dad could be fine one second. And if you said the wrong thing, or apparently if you looked at him the wrong way. He would flip on a dime, and he would become physically violent. He scared the hell out and he had hands the size of frying pans. He was six foot five, former Marine, scary as hell and his anger was deep. It wasn’t just about me, because I’m clear. I didn’t do anything. I was a kid. He hated his mother. He hated his father. You know, and so he took it out on the kids Great. Good parenting there Pops. So um, okay, so here are the nine common traits of adult children who grew up with narcissistic parents indecision. second guessing, we don’t trust our gut. We don’t and we are analysis paralysis. Well, if I do this, then this will if I do that, then maybe that and oh, gosh, if I do that, will they be upset? Oh, so we get indecisive because we’re trying to stay safe. And we’re trying to not get hit. And we’re trying not to get screamed at. And we’re trying not, to fill in the blank. So in decisiveness, not trusting our gut, not you know, always second guessing ourselves. And the reason it is is because who gets punished when they see the pink elephant taking a doodoo in the corner of the living room, the kid who sees the pink elephant taking a doodoo in the corner of the living room. So we’ve learned really quickly to shut off the intuition. We learn really quickly not to listen to our gut instinct we do just to try to stay safe. So we get very indecisive, we don’t trust our gut. So one of the main things we need to do is to re learn how to trust our gut. So again, self-esteem boundaries, disease to please Harry breaker, self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, and and of course, you know, you start off small, you know, do I like this? Do I like that? You start with things you already know the answer to and then start feeling how that feels. And then you take that out into things that you don’t know the answer to. So okay, hang on. internalized gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation. It sows the seed of doubts in the targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception and judgment. And that’s what we do to ourselves, we start, you know, I don’t have anything to offer. I have no talents. You know, I’m not good enough. You know, so we start doing we start abusing ourselves with everything that they’ve told us. I think I talked about that. Feeling guilty for not being loyal to the abusive parent when we start therapy. Oh, my God. So recently, I was working with someone and they couldn’t even verbalize that they were angry at the parent, because it wasn’t okay, it wasn’t safe. So, we kind of danced around, and finally got them to be able to actually verbalize what it was like, literally, I handed throat stopping them. So, there was so much fear, there was so much guilt, there was so much obligation, it wasn’t even okay to say I am angry that I was treated this way by mom or dad, or both, or whatever. So, this is why writing and burning letters is so important. You need to get your, your voice back. You need to get your voice back. You need to be able to say yes, this happened to me. And what I will often do is have clients write it out from the beginning, because they’ll question well, I don’t know. Did that really happen? Stop. Take a deep breath. Ask your gut. Did your dad hit you? Well, yeah, he did. Okay, why are you questioning it? Because it’s not okay to say out loud. Yes, it is, honey. Yes, it is. Let’s do some mirror work. Hi. Good to see you. Have a great day. You know what? It’s okay for me to tell the truth. It’s okay for me to say what happened to me. Start small. And yes, it’s going to be triggering. So yeah, so there is that? Okay, I promise I’m going to get to questions. I promise. I promise. Okay. And they make us feel guilty. They make us feel like we’re being disloyal. I’ve heard that. Oh, we don’t share our dirty laundry. We don’t we don’t air our dirty laundry. Well don’t make dirty laundry and I won’t freakin have to clean it. You know, so that was that was something that was said to me when I went to therapy was you can’t tell them what’s going on. Why do you think I’m in therapy? You dummy!

Kris Godinez  34:45

Anyway, there’s that Okay, hold on. I’m trying to take a drink of water and then I’m like, this. I’m okay. So, okay. No focus on our needs. We do not focus on ourselves we don’t and this is why self-care is so hard for so many of us we don’t take good care of ourselves because if we do we feel selfish. Why? Because when we did take care of ourselves our abusers would tell us that we were selfish, “How dare you?” Like for example, kid gets a job kid’s, kid’s working their way through high school gets job makes money parent demands they give them all the money or the kid goes and buys something nice for themselves the parent throws a fit. Why didn’t you buy me something! I fed you! I clothed you! I…” you know, whatever their bs is. So that’s what they do. So, it’s like when we start trying to take care of ourselves they make sure that we feel guilty for it so this is why self-care is so hugely important and this is why it’s kind of an act of rebellion. That’s the way I like to look at it. So, when my clients are having a hard time with it, I’m like, Okay, thank you. I’m like okay, let’s look at it like an act of rebellion. How would you like to give the middle finger to both of your parents Here you go, go do something nice for yourself go get a massage go to therapy, go to the gym, go for a walk, write a poem do something that they told you you couldn’t do. One time I decided to backpack across Europe and I went into East Germany The last thing they said was don’t go to a communist country I’m like watch this no and I did and that’s partly how I got my sense of safety back by going somewhere slightly not safe but you know, with other people it was fine. It was also 1986 so it was fine So anyway, the point being is is that you do the things that they were always like Oh don’t you dare you know where are you How dare you How dare you do this for yourself? Yeah dare I I dare you to dare go do things for you it’s okay so that’s going to be part of mirror work too. Okay. All right. There’s that! Sorry guys. I just oh so much so much so much Echoists we become echoes of our self we do chronic self-blame for everything we take responsibility for things that are not even our fault like my dad again would do the whole there are starving children in China and India and if you don’t eat everything on your plate It’s all your fault and then he would call me fat you know what I’m saying? So, I’m sure you do because I bet that happen to a lot of you remember they like to use food as a manipulation as well. So yes, he was absolutely not a nice I use the term man loosely. So yeah, so they would do the whole Oh, it’s your fault and so then I started feeling guilty like I didn’t feel guilty enough plus all the religious stuff he was throwing at me for the children in India and the children in China and then I started trying to research how I could help and how I could do you know, because that’s what we do. And then we start feeling guilty for even having a nice life How dare I live in a country where there’s freedom and I have plenty of food you know, so they make us feel guilty for having nice things that are basic needs Maslow’s Hierarchy Hello. You know, they’re just they’re horrible, reprehensible I would use the term human but I don’t think they are okay they cause us to be incredibly insecure. Incredibly insecure. So, like you fear of abandonment fear of being left fear of everything, you know, they you know, fear of not being good enough fear of the unknown fear of just fear, you know, so they cause us to be incredibly, incredibly insecure and so causes insecure attachments. So, any anxiety Yeah, anxiety is a bitch Absolutely. It is horrible. I started developing like kind of OCD stuff you know, because it’s like I was trying to magic think my way out of it. So, I would, you know, wash my hands frequently and I would cross over the threshold on a certain foot and you know, praying constantly for salvation while I was praying for salvation from my father, not from Satan. Well, one in the same never seen in the same room together. There you go. Anyway, point being all right. I’m sorry. I’m gonna get to the questions. I swear to God.

Kris Godinez  39:14

We constantly focus on other people’s happiness. We constantly are doing codependent thing. We’re constantly trying to make sure everybody else is okay. Meanwhile, we’re about ready to keel over because we haven’t taken care of ourselves. We’re always on edge. We’re always on edge, we’ve got anxiety, depression, etc, etc, etc. Okay, so quickly in this article, how to deal with it. So, you got to realize what’s happening, you’re never going to win, you are never going to win. You are never going to change them. They are never going to get better. This you cannot fix them because you did not break them. So, you’ve got to accept it. And you’ve got to let them go because honestly, are you better off with them? Or without them and this is the question I always ask people if you are not related to them Would you have anything to do with them? And if the answer is no, act accordingly. And that’s hard for a lot of us because when we the idea of letting go of a parent, even a dysfunctional, abusive parent, remember, as little kids, our whole well-being depends on an adult. chronological, obviously, in this case because they’re children themselves, but on an adult, making sure we’re safe. So the idea of letting go of even an abusive parent is terrifying to the inner child, inner child workbook, Katherine Taylor, get it, work it, read it, do it, because you’ve got to get that inner child strong enough and safe enough to understand you’re the parent now, and that we have to let go of this abusive person in order to be okay, this show is going to go long. I think I really apologize because there’s just so much I forgot how much there was going to be. You’ve got to resist gaslighting attempts, you’ve got to resist the guilt tripping attempts, you’ve got to resist the manipulation attempts because they’re going to when they realize that they’re not getting their way they’re going to manipulate they’re going to guilt, fear, obligation, guilt, they’re going to get angry, they’re going to get the Flying Monkeys to come after you to try to get you to do their will etc, etc, etc. Um, okay, you’ve got to take care of yourself. You’ve got to forgive yourself, get therapy, honest to God, a trauma therapist, this has been traumatic, getting rid of an abusive parent is traumatic, they oftentimes will do the I’m sick Hoover or they will do the I’m dying Hoover, especially older ones. So you can’t fall for that. Or they’ll dangle the inheritance in front of you. Oh, well, you know, you just stick around you’re getting No you’re not. And it’s not worth it. There is no amount of money that is worth that kind of craziness. None zero Zilch not even the kind of money that Jeff Bezo has. No, thank you. I would rather be a hermit alone on a beach with a dog. That’d be perfect. Well, John, obviously, but you know, it’s like no, there’s not enough money to to put up with that kind of crazy. Okay, you’ve got to start developing your self worth. Which is why I love the self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, because there’s a whole section on what are you worth what is your worth? What do you know your worth? Do you know your worth? You know Do you understand that you are worthy Do you understand that you have worth and it’s a really good book that’s why I like it. So, you’ve got to develop your self-esteem understanding your worth valuing your worth valuing who you are, etc etc. asserting your boundaries disease please Harry breaker, you’ve got to assert your boundaries you cannot have weak boundaries with these people. They don’t understand the word No, they don’t respect the word no. So, on your list of deal breakers that’s got to be one of your deal breakers if they disrespect you if they don’t respect the word no, if they keep trying to manipulate to get their way if they keep trying to Gaslight if they keep trying to guilt trip if they keep trying those are all deal breakers guys. deal breakers big time Okay, hold on. Um okay

Kris Godinez  43:14

there’s some things on this article that I don’t agree with. So, I’m just not even mentioning the ones I don’t agree with. Um, so you know that narcissists are predictable, they have a certain way of doing things they are they think they’re not, but they are. Once you recognize the pattern, understand that they’re going to do it again. You know, don’t be surprised when they start hoovering. Don’t be surprised when they call in the Flying Monkeys Don’t be surprised when they start guilt tripping. You know, a lot of times when I’m working with clients, especially in the beginning stages, they’re always shocked when the parent does something reprehensible. You know, like the guilt tripping or the gaslighting or the Flying Monkeys or the hoovering or whatever and I have to remind them let’s look at the pattern let’s look at the pattern this should not be a surprise to you Let’s look at the pattern so understand that there always is a pattern The biggest thing is guys walk away walk away it is not worth it. If you were not related to these people, would you in fact have anything to do with them and I suspect the answer is going to be a resounding no. So, act accordingly. Okay guys, so that’s narcissistic parents it’s no wonder it takes too long to heal from so you know, and it’s it’s not like a how do I explain this? You are going to heal it is going to happen but it’s not going to be like a one and it’s done. Okay? It’s like I’m still learning new things. I’m still on peeling the layers of the onion and I probably always will be the rest of my life and that’s fine because that’s kind of what I do. So you know, it’s it but you work on you. You cannot fix them. This is not about them. This is about you. You fix the damage that they inflicted on you. You fix The self-esteem yes it can be fixed. You fixed the attachment. Yes, it can be fixed. You fixed the boundaries. Yes, that can be fixed. You work on you. You work on the self-love you work on the self-care. Yes, that can be fixed. You start doing things for yourself. You get rid of the guilt. You write and burn letters, you go see a really good trauma therapist and you start working through all of this stuff. Okay, that seriously that is how you start fixing all of this and it’s not a it’s not a destination. It is a journey. I think that’s the best way to put it. It’s not a destination. It is a journey and you’re by no means alone. Ask Wil Wheaton. I love him. He’s amazing. I several times I posted things from his onto mine because I was like, Oh my God, my people need to hear this, you know, so it’s go check him out. He’s amazing. He’s awesome. Okay, let me hit the questions. All righty then,  when a narc parent shows off the accomplishments of a child to others, but then minimizes or trashes the accomplishments to the accomplishment to the child. Does that mean the narc is jealous? Is the pope Catholic? Yes, yes. 110% Oh my god hit the nail on the head. Yes, they are 100% jealous. They can’t stand it. They can’t stand it. So like if I ever did anything like Okay, back in the day when I did acting, and I did regional theater and things like that my dad would take credit for it. Oh, well, I taught her how to. Or if I was singing, oh, I taught her but then in private, he would trash me. He would totally trash When will you your vibrato and  and I’m just like sitting there going you have no frickin clue what you’re talking about. You know, so yeah, they do that they will absolutely and they are jealous apps of freaking like 110% Okay, I’ve gone no contact with my narcissistic alcoholic mother. Her new target is my husband, who takes care of her marital trust. Is that common? Hell? Yeah. So the thing of it is, is you’ve got to be united front. And he’s got to learn to gray rock and he’s got to learn not, you know not to deal with her not to and the other thing you can do is give it to somebody else to deal with, you know, so a lot of times what I see Narcissus do especially older ones is they’ll, they’ll hook the person by doing some sort of legal maneuver, you know, a trust a will. Power of Attorney. Some sort of inheritance dangling. So yeah, without knowing really a lot more about what’s going on. I would say get the hell out of it. Yes, it is common. Absolutely. Do narc. Parents enmesh themselves in their child’s lives, because they want to be the most important person in the child’s life. If so, how to get rid of that? Yes, they do. And that’s why we’re going to have to do Part Two we’re going to do in laws and ex laws next weekend, because that is actually one of the things I wanted to hit on. I’ll hit on it a little bit right now. So Oh, thank you. Um, so um,

Kris Godinez  48:05

so what a narcissistic parent does, they hate the spouse that takes the kid away from them. Okay, it’s like this is an old movie. I don’t know if you guys ever saw Like Water for Chocolate made me cry through the whole damn thing. But basically, it was the story of three sisters and the youngest daughter was not allowed to marry she was supposed to take care of the mother not have her own life, the other sisters could go off and do whatever they wanted. But the youngest one couldn’t. And of course she falls in love and it ends tragically and it’s an Academy Award winner. Everything tragic is always an Academy Award winner I would kill for a comedy to win that would be nice. Anyway, the point being is that they are jealous of anybody who takes the attention away from them they want somebody to manipulate and control and be their mini me and etc etc etc. So yes, they they get very enmeshed in the couple’s life and they try to manipulate holidays. They try to manipulate get togethers, weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, etc, etc, etc. You got to start drawing boundaries you got to start saying no. And dealing with in laws and ex laws is going to be really interesting because if your spouse understands what’s going on, it’s a little easier the worst thing to deal with is a spouse who not only ignores it, but kind of intentionally ignores it. Does that make sense? So, I want to talk more about that next week. So but yeah, if you’ve got a spouse that’s playing their game doesn’t see the problem refuses to acknowledge that there is an issue. Houston, you got a really big problem and there’s bigger things that we’re gonna probably have to talk about. So, if they can see it, and you can get to a good couples therapist, and they’re not narcissistic themselves. Let me be very clear with it. So, somebody sent me a thing. Just last week or sometime it was like, well, I wish you worked with people that were in the middle of an abusive relationship. And I’m like I do I just don’t do couples counseling with somebody who’s in an abusive relationship. Like as a couple, I will do individual, but I will not do couples because that that abuser does not need to know jack diddly squat, that this person is working on. So just to make that clear, so if they’re not an abuser, yes, go to couples counseling, get on the same page, come up with plans get with a trauma therapist, because this person is going to need to work on themselves. Because if their parent is a narcissist, they’re going to have some traits of. And they’re going to need to work on the self-esteem issues and the boundaries and saying no, and not feeling guilty, etc, etc, etc. all of that sort of fun stuff. Yeah. So um, yeah, we’re going to talk more about that next week, because I want to talk about in laws and ex laws and how to unenmesh yourself, basically, the best way to unenmesh yourself, get on the same page with your spouse, or spouse gets on the same page with you get into a good trauma therapist, do some couples counseling, read all the books that I recommend to gather, talk about the issues because their whole goal is to divide and conquer, divide and conquer. That’s how they do it. They do. They get in the middle of the relationship and they divide and conquer. And they’ll say they’ll say one thing to the spouse, they’ll say another thing to their kid, and they will lie, they will say whatever they need to in order to break up the couple because their whole goal is to have somebody take care of them. I’ve seen mostly narcissistic mothers do that game. So yeah, there is that. So yeah, you want to start on unenmeshing them you got to start saying no, you got to get on the same page as your spouse has to get on the same page as you go to couples trauma therapy, as long as the spouse is not narcissistic if the spouse however, sees nothing wrong. You’ve got bigger issues, and we’ll talk about that next week. Okay, I have been mass massively trolled on social media for excuse me for expressing an opinion. How dare I, how do I move past this so triggered? So, here’s basically the thing. If it’s family that’s doing this, if it’s a parent that’s doing this, you can put them onto a list where they don’t see your stuff. And over the last four years, I’ve had to do that. So, you know, if somebody a family member is, is commenting inappropriately on stuff or making you wrong for having an opinion or whatever, you just put them on the list where they don’t see your stuff and then you can individualize what they see and what they don’t see. So that is absolutely something you will have to do and with trolls, I don’t even respond to them. I just delete them. It’s like bye this is not a time or the place Thank you name calling by not the time or the place. This is not what civilized people do. Thank you very much. No thank you. You don’t give them the energy so on social media, that’s a whole other issue.

Kris Godinez  52:58

I don’t know if you guys are following what we do in the shadows on Hulu, the TV series so last was it last year or the year before Colin Robinson who’s the the the drainer, the energy, energy vampire had a troll on social media and he was engaging in this big battle and so then finally he decided to meet the troll in person because an actual troll so he just outwitted him until sunrise and then the sun hit him and he turned into stone but um, but yeah, it’s like in our society, social media has really allowed people to show you who they are. Truly, truly show you who they are. So, anyone on social media who is rude, cruel, I’ve seen a lot of that, nasty name calling damning, judgmental, downright evil. That’s really who they are. They have shown you who they are, believe them the first time and I don’t put up with it. Life’s too short. I like having fun. I love talking to people, I love talking to people I don’t know. You know, obviously I do this all the time. You know, I love dealing with people. I love it, but I will not I will not… We do not negotiate with terrorists. I do not negotiate with Narcissists and trolls tend to be Narcissists because they think they’re right. And they’re unwilling to see a different view. And anyone who’s got a different view, they call a name. And it’s like, No, that is not how civilized people behave. You can have different opinions. You know, there’s plenty of people in my life that don’t agree with things I do or say. But we have talks about it. We don’t call names and we’re still friends. So, you know, there is that. Yes, and I do love this group of people. I love you guys. You guys are so supportive of each other and you’re so kind and I just thank you for helping each other. I really appreciate it because that makes my job easy. So, thank you. Okay, so couple more questions and then I’m gonna Peace out. I think my voice is starting to go. So with a troll question you basically you move them so they can’t see your stuff if you know that they’re going to respond a certain way because it’s kind of like no this is not what this is about you know that kind of thing or you just don’t respond to it or you delete them or you defriend them if you have to so you know I was having conversation with my friend Didi last night and we were talking about you know, having to delete people because of how vicious they got and you know, I told her about you know, having to deal with public and sometimes you got people that are not stable that would just go to town and just say really scary things you know and you just kind of like okay report and not dealing with this so yeah, so yeah, so you just you just don’t you just don’t engage don’t engage you don’t get, trolls get their narcissistic supply from making you angry scared, sad, etc. Don’t give it to them. Don’t give it to them. Don’t Don’t feed the trolls Life is too short unless you have Colin Robinson around so I love the way Nadia says that to the Colin Robinson I love that show. I love it. I love it. I love it. Okay, let’s see Um, can you explain hoovering season I think I’m experiencing that okay guys. So hoovering season starts around fall probably around now Halloween all the way through to February 14. So Valentine’s Day so hoovering season is that special time of the year when narcissists make could be parents they can be romantic partners, friends, whatever decide that they want to take a walk down a Primrose walk for down the primrose path to hell a Hoover to get you back into their life. And they do it by playing on the sentimentality of this particular season. So think about Halloween How fun is Halloween I frickin love Halloween I love to see all the costumes I love to see all the little kids I love you know I love the time of year I don’t like pumpkin spice maybe it’s not pumpkin spice I don’t like I don’t like allspice that’s what I don’t like. I like the ginger and I like nutmeg all of that, it’s the allspice I don’t like anyway but I love everything else about so what Narcissus do is they play on that nostalgia they play on that old who remember when we took the that you know the trip to Cabo San Lucas or we went to San Diego or you know when we did the Halloween thing and blah blah blah blah and so they start playing up on old memories and of course the amygdala god bless it can’t tell the difference between past present future and it goes oh you know and it starts going oh that was so

Kris Godinez  57:44

fun and that was so romantic. Back when they were love bombing you not when they weren’t doing the discard so they start bringing up stuff from this time of year from October until February mid February. That takes you down memory lane that causes you to start thinking about all the good times and that’s what they want so you’ve got to, I kid you not have a list of every rotten thing they’ve ever done to you and you post that sucker somewhere where you can see it so that when your brain starts going oh remember when I’m remember when and then and then and then and holy cow oh my god you know what I’m saying? So, you want to have a list of deal breakers things that they have done to you throughout that time. Love bombing doesn’t count guys because that’s not the real them. Healthy normal people to love bomb healthy normal people don’t devalue they don’t discard they don’t say horrible things. They don’t lie to you. They don’t cheat. They don’t. So, there is that so um, so this time of year between now and February. So, they’ll bring up Halloween then Thanksgiving. What is Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving is a big family thing. Usually this is when we get the family Hoover’s. Oh well you need to come see us we haven’t seen you in years. Well there’s probably a reason you haven’t seen them in years. So, they try to do the the guilt, the guilt, the guilt, the guilt, oh well But Uncle, uncle Ted and and and Susie will be there and you want to see them and bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla you know they do that thing. So, you don’t want to fall for that and they do play on that because you like to be around people and you like other people I like other people you know in this so they’ll go oh so and so wants to see you well then you have to really stop yourself and go well so and so it can pick up the damn phone. If they want to see me they know where I am. You know so don’t fall for it. Then with Christmas again it’s kind of a it can be a romantic time of year it can also be a family time of year so you’ll have ex lovers you know that are Narcissists. You’ll have family members trying to put the guilt again onto that. New Year’s obviously romantic and then of course Valentine’s Day so yes, this whole winter’s fall winter season is when they do the the hoover Because they’re playing on memories, and they’re playing on the love bombing that they did the stuff that they did during the love bombing phase, hoping that you’re not going to remember all the rotten things they did to you remember all the rotten things they did to you seriously Write it down. Okay. I think this is probably going to be the last question about parents, how do I deal with their death when it happens. So, when I was in high school, I knew my dad was going to die. I did. And I also knew I needed to get it handled before he died. So, I got my happy butt in to counseling, of course, he stopped it. So, when I was out of the house, in college, I went to the counselor at the college. And then when I got out of college, I found another counselor. When I was in Portland, I went to my counselor up there, and we literally started working on my dad’s death. Because I told her, I said, I do not want to have a meltdown, like my dad did when his mom died. So, when my grandmother died, Momo, We called her Momo. When she died, he lost it. That is when he became super religious, and he was religious before but he went supernova on that, he became very obsessed with death, he became very depressed, he became very, you know, just lots of weird stuff. Because he never dealt with the issues with his own mom. So I worked with a therapist through all of the anger, a huge amount of anger towards my dad, huge, ginormous, you know, as we work through a lot of the anger we work through, you know, the guilt, the guilt, you know, we worked through all the mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs, all that stuff that was getting shoved into my head that was not true and was not mine. So, learning to separate, detaching, you know, and of course, that’s about the time I started studying Buddhism. So, you know, it’s really a good idea to get with a damn good therapist, trauma therapist, and start working on all of the issues that you know, you’re going to have when the abuser drops dead, and every survivor of abuse has the exact same issues. Guilt, anger, sadness, depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD. And in my case, it’s addiction. Fabulous. Thanks, Dad. You know, so it’s Yeah, so you start working on that stuff, so that when it happens, not if because everyone’s gonna die, at some point, when it happens, you are a little bit better prepared. You’re just a little bit better prepared, you’re

Kris Godinez  1:02:39

still gonna cry, you’re still gonna grieve. When my dad died, I was a lot better off than one of my other sisters was because she didn’t ever expect him to die. And she never worked on the anger, the hurt the betrayal, the you know, none of that stuff. So, when he died for me, and for my mom, it was more of a Oh, thank god that’s over. Now we can start processing the damage now we can start processing what’s left, and that’s what I helped my mom with, because she felt hugely guilty that she felt relieved that he was dead. And I was like, Don’t we all feel relieved he’s dead? Whether we, whether people are admitting it out loud or not, you know, we all feel relieved because now it’s not like that constant loose cannon? Which way do we have to jump to stay safe? What is he going to say now? Who is he going to hurt Next, you know, so there’s a sense of relief, and then you still are going to grieve? You’re going to be sad? You are I was sad that he died. I was not for him as he was. But and I talked about this in my book, what’s wrong with your dad? When we were sitting around the table, my brother had said, you know, now I’ll never get his approval. And that hurt that hit? You know, it’s like, yep, game over. We’ll never get his approval. We tried so hard, while he was alive to get his approval. And well, now we’ll never get it. And for me, it was, yeah, never gonna get it and never got it and never would have gotten it. So, I felt a little bit better about that. But I felt so sad for my brother, because he hadn’t ever worked on himself. And he’d never gotten to that point of understanding it wasn’t him. And he never understood that he would never have gotten the approval ever. No matter how long Dad lived, it never would have happened Narcissists don’t approve period. They don’t approve themselves, let alone anybody else. So you’re going to grieve. And I talked about that in the book. It’s like you know what I was sad about was if only gotten help. He had opportunities. Every single last one of my sisters and I all said Dude, come to therapy with us. And he basically gave us the middle finger and told us we were the problem, not him. You know, he had opportunity after opportunity after opportunity to get help. He didn’t get help. You know, if only he was saying, if only his parents were saying if only his dad wasn’t an alcoholic, and beat him senseless all the time. You know, if only if only if only so you kind of you’re gonna grieve a lot of the what ifs or could have been, or, you know, if only if only he was a good dad, it would have been great God, could you imagine how great it would have been to have a good dad. And you’re going to grieve that in fact, I’m kind of feeling a little tearful right now even just talking about it. So yeah, you’re gonna grieve that and you’re gonna be angry, and you’re gonna be sad, you’re gonna be hurt, and you’re going to feel the betrayal and you’re going to go through the grieving process and my dad died of a heart attack. And every year for probably the first three years because it was complicated grief, you know, that love hate thing. around his anniversary of his death, I started having heart palpitations. So the body keeps score. Bessel Vander kolk read it great book. So yeah, so just be prepared, there’s going to be stuff that’s going to happen, but you’re going to be better off getting therapy prior to them passing because then you’re kind of you’re, you’re ahead of the game, okay, and you kind of know what to expect and you know how to deal with it, you know what’s going on? So as it’s happening, you could go Oh, okay, that’s what this is, this is what I need to do. This is how I need to self-care. So anyway, guys, Whoa, that was a kind of a heavy topic to end it on. But that was a good question. So all right, and I hope this was helpful for the people that were needing stuff on how to deal with narcissistic parents. So remember, get all the books I recommend, get all the books I recommend, start reading them get with a good trauma therapist, do self-care, do the mirror work work on you? It’s okay to take care of you. You are not responsible for your narcissistic parent’s behavior. You’re not you’re not you’re not so alright, so next week, we’re going to do Part Two we’re going to do in laws and x laws. You guys be good to yourselves. Take good care of yourselves. And I will talk to you later. Bye.

Kris Godinez  1:07:01

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Chris godinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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