Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.
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Okay, we got lots to talk about. So oversharing, and I want to do a little current events thing, because something happened this week that I just went, ah, brain, oh, my God. So oversharing is really rampant in our society, like worldwide, it’s just, it’s a problem. So recently, I was reading articles about Italy, and hey, guys, and what was going on with the tourists in Italy. And it’s not just American tourists, thank God, that are doing that it was like tourists from all over the world. It was French tourists; it was Czech tourists. It was American tourists. It was, you know, and they, they are doing stupid things in order to get likes on social media.
So that kind of has to do with self-esteem. It also has to do with oversharing. So recently, a tourist went to a small town in Italy and decided that that was a really good idea to strip naked on the steps of the Church, which held relics for saints, Andrew, I think it was, anyway, it just made my head hurt. Because it’s like, the reason she did it was to get attention and to get likes and to get whatever. Is that oversharing? Well, sweetheart, nobody needs to see your boobs. Thank you. It’s kind of like that, that French tourists that I told you about on Tahiti that was like very dramatically, you know, making sure that people were watching her she was sunbathing. It’s like, look, we’ve all seen boobs. Nobody cares. You know, unless you’re a 14-year-old boy. Nobody cares. You seriously, it’s like I see ‘em every damn day. I don’t care. So um, the people are doing things that are dangerous. People are doing things that are insensitive, people are doing things that are stupid. Honestly, some of these people don’t have the good sense God gave lettuce! I’m just like, so it’s kind of like it’s kind of like what our parents used to say if your friends went and jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you and I hate to say it I think there’s a lot of tik tokers and Instagramers that would just to get the likes. And just to get the exposure and just to get the whatever. So there has been study after study after study done about how
How social media encourages people to overshare tell too much, put stuff out there and put people at risk. It really does, especially if you’re dealing with a stalker or if you’re dealing with crazy family or if you’re dealing with whatever, so um, it’s scary to me what has become normalized to just blah, you know, and tell everybody everything and you don’t need to. So, this kind of is all interconnected.
So, I want to finish up this little thing about the tourists. It makes me angry because I’m a world traveler. You guys know that. When I get the chance, I book the hell out of here. And I see the world because it’s fabulous to travel. And it’s fabulous to try new foods. I mean, one of the shows that I’m absolutely in love with is Stanley Tucci, because he goes to Italy, and he’s Italian and he, you know, his family is Italian. And so they go through the different regions, and he literally is eating his way across Italy. And I’m like, ooh, life goals. So, you know, and it’s wonderful because he interacts with the locals and talks to the farmers, and he talks to the people growing things and the chefs and the and the people, and it’s so cool to see how society is there. You know, just every day you know, kind of thing. And
it bothers me when tik tokkers and Instagramers, and social media influencers. Oh my god. Do these things to get likes in It ends up giving tourists a bad name all the way around. And like I said, not all of these idiots were American, thank God. But the ones that were American were the ones that threw the scooters down the Spanish Steps. And I’m just like, No respect, no, no sense of decorum. And you know, I don’t know that they’re narcissistic, or if there is a personality disorder, but they’re sure as hell is something not right going on. I’ll tell you that much. If you think that you have the right entitlement to damage something that’s, you know, hundreds or 1000s of years old, then there is something seriously wrong with your brain. So, um, it’s, it is connected. And the reason that influencer influencers, that, that just if you’re going to influence people influence them to behave, how’s their how’s that? Let’s do that. Let’s influence people to be Hey, how about you have good manners when you go visit somebody else’s country, we wouldn’t like it. If somebody came here and did that stuff to the mall in Washington, or, you know, any of the, you know, Concord or any of the historical sites, you know, Oh, God, don’t get me started. Anyway. Take a deep breath, Chris. Okay, so the point being is, the likes are transitory, and in order, and they’ve done studies on this, and in order to get that sense of self, or that, oh, you know, the other esteem, this is all other esteem that they’re getting by doing this oversharing and by doing these stunts, is to get the likes, and yes, it releases endorphins, dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine the whole thing. But it’s temporary. And then they have to go do something even more outrageous, to get the likes or to get the thing or whatever. This is why I keep saying your job is not who you are. What you do is not who you are, who you are, is in here. And no amount of likes is ever going to fill that hole.
The only way to fill that self-esteem hole is with you. Loving You 100% You are not your hair, you are not your body. You are your soul; you are who you are. It’s your personality. It’s who you are. Love it, and don’t look for outside likes. That’s it’s a fool’s game. Because if you’ll notice these tick tock challenges and these Instagram things, they keep getting more and more outrageous and dangerous and whatever, in order to get those likes. And people are sharing and sharing more and more of themselves, stripping naked, etc., sunbathing on a war memorial. Oh my god, they don’t have the good sense. God gave lettuce! I’m sorry. They just don’t. It’s stupid. And honestly, they should be. What’s the word I’m looking for? They should be shunned. Seriously, when they behave like that they should be shunned because that is dangerous behavior. It is bad behavior. It is disrespectful. And that, I think is what pisses me off more than anything else is the disrespect. It’s like look, I there I’ve not gone to Italy yet keyword yet. I would like to go. And when I go, I don’t want to be looked at with the stink eye because of a bunch of Jack wagons that didn’t know how to frickin behave themselves.
So, to connect this oversharing is dangerous. Oversharing has consequences. Oversharing not only affects us if we overshare. But if you’re on social media and you’re doing these stupid things, you are also affecting the other people that would like to go visit these places. But if you’re personality disordered, such as a narcissist, you won’t care. So, take a look at people you follow and see how disrespectful they are to other cultures, you know, other people traveling other, you know, things that are important war memorials, churches, etc., etc., etc. And the same thing goes with graffiti. I’m just Oh, don’t get me started, dear lord.
Anyway, the point being oversharing is dangerous not only for us, but it affects the people around us as well. If you’re a social media person and doing stupid stunts. All right now, to connect this back to us, oversharing generally, generally, unless you’re personality disorder, which I’m guessing some of these people probably are that, are doing these stunts because healthy normal people don’t need other esteem, they need self-esteem. Is a trauma response. Oversharing is a trauma response for us. Why, how what is going on here, okay.
So, when we are either raised in an abusive family or we are in an abusive romantic relationship, or we have an abusive boss, or whatever, narcissists, and malignant borderlines tend to be pumping us for information all the time. You know, what are you doing? Why did you do that? You know, done it at it and where have you gone? What time you’re going to be back? Who are you with bla bla bla bla. So, we get trained just like a dog. I hate to say it, but we do we get trained just like a dog, that as soon as they ask a question, in order for us to not get in trouble with them, we just go blah! And we tell them way more than they need to know. And we’re trying to please them. It is a part of people pleasing. It’s a part of the ego defense, it’s a way to stay safe because we’re thinking, Okay, well, if I just tell them everything, they’ll leave me the hell alone. Oh, contraire, these Jack wagons are going to look for whatever excuse they can to beat the living crap out of you physically, mentally, emotionally, religiously, sexually and otherwise. So, it doesn’t. It doesn’t do you it does not serve you to overshare to these people. Because I can guarantee you what abusers do is they are like, it’s like this mental vault up here that they’re going ooh, I need to remember that. Whoo, I’m going to use that as a time down the future. Oh, I need to remember that, oh, I’m going to use that against him later on who I need to remember this. I’m going to use that against them later on. And that’s what they’re doing. So, we think the inner child because this is all inner child stuff. And that’s what you have to ask yourself, How old do you feel? When you find yourself just spilling the beans and telling them everything?
How old are you super important get The Inner Child Workbook, Lucia Cappacchione, or Catherine Taylor. Now, again, some people relate better to the Katherine Taylor one, it is a little bit outdated, but it is very good. Or the Lucia Cappacchione one, which is a little bit more out there. So like, Lucia Cappacchione has you write with your nondominant hand, the inner child stuff, and then have a conversation with you as the adult, and you’re writing you as the adult with your dominant hand. So, it’s kind of interesting. So whichever one works for you go get it to work on the oversharing. It’s the inner child, it’s the little six-year-old, the little four-year-old, going but but but this isn’t fair, let me explain.
Which is really sad, you know, because four-year old’s shouldn’t have to explain themselves, therefore, you know, it just anyway. So, in this then comes back to bite us in the butt when we’re adults. Because let’s say, for example, we’re getting ready to leave an abuser, or we have surrounded ourselves with toxic people because that’s familiar. That’s what we know. Right? Remember, no beating yourselves up. There is a reason why we have these toxic people around us because they’re familiar. So, let’s say you’re getting ready to leave the abuser. And you guys get into a fight.
And that inner child comes roaring to the forefront and just wants to get them, that revenge thing, then again, how old are you when you’re wanting revenge? And so, what does the inner child do? Oh, yeah, well, I’m leaving you, I went to, you know, what’s fresh start Women’s Resource Center, and I’m going to get a house. And I’m going to do this. And I’m going to do that. And I can guarantee you the reason why you’re doing that is because the inner child is hoping and praying that that information is going to smack them upside the head and make them figure it the bleep out that they’re stupid, and that they need to change. That’s what the inner child is hoping. And it is not going to happen. Not in this or any other lifetime, not on this planet earth. No, it’s not going to happen. All that’s doing is alerting them that you’re going to leave. And then they are going to make sure you don’t have access to money, quit their job, so you don’t have any money at all and are now struggling and trying to pay rent and get food and take care of the kids and blah, blah, blah. They’re going to be, you know, putting keystroke trackers on your computer and your phone. Now they are going to start stalking you even more because you’ve told them what you’re going to do. And it was a misguided attempt by the inner child to get the abuser to wake up. Abusers don’t wake up. Why? Because there is not there. There. They’re up here. There is none but ego nothing. But ego and ego is only interested in saving its own hide. It does not care about anybody, nobody.
They do not love us. Let me be very clear about that. If they loved really, they wouldn’t act the way they do. They wouldn’t hit harm, hurt, abuse, say horrible things, you know, have bizarre behavior, they wouldn’t do any of that they wouldn’t do any of that they do not love guys, I cannot stress that enough. And so, we have a tendency that if we have people that remind us of the abuser, okay, let’s move on to the toxic friends that remind us of the abuser, guess who’s oversharing? It’s not adult, you, it’s the inner child well I want them to like me, I want to fit in. I want to, you know, whatever, I want to stay safe. I don’t want them to, you know, whatever. But the problem of it is, is that toxic friends also will gossip about you is same things like with the abusers. You know, the romantic abusers if you overshare with toxic friends and their gossips, what makes you think they’re not talking about you, too? You know what I’m saying? They’re showing you who they are. So, it’s really important to give yourself permission to not overshare. So how do we start correcting that?
Okay, let me get to hold on how to set boundaries for oversharing. Okay, this is on psychology today. And this is by Andrea. Oh, Brandt, PhD. And it’s how to set boundaries in the age of oversharing. And I loved this because I thought it was brilliant. Okay, first, decide what boundaries are. And I think that’s a big one. I think a lot of survivors of abuse don’t really know what a boundary is, you know, it’s like they’re so used to a, having their own boundaries just mowed over and b. being told they can’t have privacy. You know, how many abusive parents listen, or, you know, in the old days, my parents would listen in on my phone calls, you know, because there were extensions throughout the house. So, they would listen in on the phone calls. It wasn’t safe for me to say what was going on. Because they would listen in nowadays. Okay, what will they do, they’ll track the phone, they’ll see who you’re calling, they’ll, you know, that kind of thing. Other parents I have seen would take the door, off of the bedroom. So, there was absolutely no privacy. Other parents have, you know, grill the kids when they come home from school, or when they come back from a date, or when they aren’t even allowed to date. You know that kind of thing. And there’s no privacy, there’s no, you know, this is where I begin and end. And this is where you begin and end, you know, there’s none of that. So, kids grew up not knowing what is a boundary a boundary is a thing that keeps us safe.
No, is a boundary the word no, it’s a wall of No, that’s the way I like to think of it, it’s a wall of No, it’s a boundary. And so, you are under no obligation to share anything personal, if you don’t want to. And this is going to this is all connected to this topic that we’ve been talking about for the last, I don’t know, three or four weeks. So, this is going to again, incorporate mindfulness. And this is why this is important. So, first of all, you got to know what a boundary is. So, a boundary is anything that you decide you need to put in place so that you stay safe. So, say, for example, a boss, here’s a good one. A boss wants to know literally everything about you that should be a huge red flag because you know I just need to have a working relationship with you that’s it! You don’t you don’t need to know you know my history from age two on up, you know, but narcissistic bosses will again pump for information because that’s also what romantic relationship abusers do pump for information so that it can be then turned around and used against you at a later date. So a boundary would be no, this is a professional relationship I don’t share personal things with you know, here’s you’re on a need-to-know basis buddy, you know, it’s like, oh yeah, I have a great family and leave it at that, but if they keep pumping, then those little red flags should be going Bing Bing Bing Bing Bing, because there’s something going on. So okay, what is a boundary a boundary keeps you safe. Trust your gut, your this is all back to self-esteem. Loving yourself knowing your own worth knowing that you do not, do not have to please anybody except yourself. And knowing what your inner child is up to because the inner child is the one like I said, that wants to please the wants to stay safe. That’s the one that’s going oh we need to tell them
This, that the other thing? No, you don’t know you don’t set boundaries. What is your gut telling you? Is it safe to trust this person with this information? If the gut is going, oh, hell no. Listen to your gut. Huge but and, again, when we come out of abusive situations, whether it’s a family of origin, or whether it is romantic relationship, or even a boss relationship with toxic friends, or anything else, then we’re not really sure or clear how to set boundaries, what our boundaries are, or what even what our gut is saying to us. What is our gut saying to us? So, you want to start checking in with your gut, not your head, not your heart, these two guys lie. The gut is a simple yes or no answer to a yes or no question. And you start listening to that, can I trust this person? Yes, or No? Listen to your gut, the gut is calm. The head and the heart are like, Oh, what about this? What about that bla bla bla. So, you got to start doing that. So, I want to talk about setting boundaries. So, you write out what your boundaries are? What are you willing to talk about? What are you not willing to talk about who and now we’re going to get to the safe people whose safe. So first, decide what your boundaries are, it might help, it might help to make a list, it does help to make a list, it really does. So, this is kind of like your list of deal breakers, okay? Get a sheet of paper and draw three vertical lines to form four colomns title, the first column, significant other, the second column family, the third friends, and the fourth acquaintances slash strangers. Now write down the subjects. You’re uncomfortable discussing with the people in these four categories. For example, you might put sex life under the things you’re not comfortable talking to your family or strangers about, or childhood trauma under all four categories.
So, it’s going to be interesting for you, I want you to notice what your thoughts say, when you start doing that, because we’ve been so used to hula and just, you know, telling everybody, everything. And now that you’re writing these four columns out, and you’re going yeah, I’m not going to talk about my personal trauma to strangers, and probably not my family, if they’re the ones that caused it. And if I’m in an abusive relationship, hell no. You know, to see where I’m going with that. So, it’s going to be interesting, because that inner child is gonna kind of roar up to the forefront and go, but but but we have to No, sweetheart. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, privacy is private. Because it’s power.
And you get to be powerful. So that’s a good way to reframe it. It’s like it’s okay to be private, it’s okay to have your own thoughts, your own feelings, your own beliefs your own, and you don’t have to share them with everybody. So that’s an inner child thing, the inner child is going to come roaring to the forefront. So, you want to comfort the inner child, you want to explain to the inner child why privacy is okay. And not only okay, but needed and necessary and absolutely healthy. Absolutely healthy. You betcha. Okay, so I think that is a really good idea to do that to, you know, other significant other family, friends, strangers, and acquaintances, and write down the subjects you’re uncomfortable discussing with these people.
Okay. It’s okay, if there are only some things that you’re only willing to talk about with your therapist. Yes. And it’s funny to me how people when they come into therapy, and they tell me something, they’re like, again, a lot of people don’t understand the HIPAA laws, and a lot of people are also
because their confidence has been betrayed. I think that’s a good way to put it. They don’t trust, right, that the therapist is going to be able to hear whatever they have to say and handle it or hear whatever they have to say and not judge them. So not trusting. It’s, it’s this weird paradox. On the one hand, we overshare we go blah, and we say way to hell too much. And on the other hand, we don’t trust. So, it’s kind of like helping that inner child grow up. And recognize here are the people you can trust. Here are the people you cannot trust, you know, and start working with that. Now ways this will bite us in the butt if we don’t get the oversharing handled the court, okay. I mean, I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve had clients that I’ve had to really drill in their head, you only give a yes or no answer. No story, no story. Remember how we talked last week about getting out of your story? And again, what drives the story, the inner child, the inner child wanting to be heard, the inner child wanting to be acknowledged, the inner child wanting to be validated, the inner child wanting to be right, the inner child wanting to fill in the blank. So, when you’re in front of a court, what I’ve seen happen with clients is that they sink themselves because they get up on the stand. The opposing attorney is a jerk. That’s the kindest thing I can say for some of them. And they mimic the abuse. They’re aggressive, and they’re angry. They come off as angry oh my god, I had to deal with this one attorney that was just cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, yelling and trying to intimidate and this that, and I’m looking at him going good look, Mofo I dealt with the king of intimidation. So, Suck it, you know. So, and hoping to intimidate and the whole thing. And what you do is you just take a sip of water, compose yourself, comfort that inner child, and only answer the yes or the no question. Do not give them the story, they want you to get into your story. And they want you to overshare so that they can then use whatever you have said, Gee, does that sound familiar really does against you.
So that’s why getting the oversharing handled is hugely important. So, giving yourself permission to not overshare working on self-esteem Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, get it work at there’s a section in there. What is your worth? Do you understand and know your own worth? Do you understand and know you have the right to boundaries? Do you understand and know that you have a right to privacy? You know, so understanding your own worth, because when we have to get into a court, the opposing attorney is going to try to manipulate fog, fear, obligation guilt, they’re going to do the same thing that the abuser did. And if you do not have this, at least getting a handle on it, your inner child is going to roar to the front and it’s going to overshare. So again, you want to get the oversharing handled.
So, let’s get back to this one article. Okay, now, in a healthy relationship, you can talk about your boundaries with the people around you. So, this is probably not going to happen in a toxic friendship. I mean, you can here’s the deal. You can tell toxic friends. I’m not comfortable talking about that. I don’t want to discuss this. This is off the table. You can tell toxic family. This is not up for discussion. Especially since we’re coming up on the holiday season. Thanksgiving. Oh, that’s a landmine. Wow. Okay. And there’s going to be topics that toxic families are going to try to bring up and you’re going to look at them and go, that’s not up for discussion. Thank you. How about them Dodgers, which by the way they choke this year? Don’t get me started. Anyway. But do you see where I’m going with that? It’s like you have the right to change the subject. You don’t have to give them whatever it is they’re looking for. I mean, there are there are some family members out there that are toxic and disordered and unmedicated and not doing what they should be doing. And they’re looking for drama. So don’t give it to them. Don’t give it to them. I know the the inner child is like, oh, but I need to whatever. No, you don’t. You can say no. Thank you. This is not up for discussion. Hey, there’s Aunt Martha got to go talk to her and then just remove yourself don’t stick around. So, there’s ways to deal with that. And if they persist, leave, you don’t have to stay. So yeah, these are these are things that are going to serve you well. When you’re dealing with toxic people that want information that can be then used against you.
So now with the toxic friends with some of the toxic family or with some of the family in a healthy relationship, healthy relationship, you can say, you know what I realized? I haven’t had boundaries, here are my boundaries. Please respect that. Now. The Healthy friends will. The healthy family will. The unhealthy family and friends will not. And in that case, when somebody crosses one of your deal breakers, one of your boundaries, that’s when you then got to no we’re done. Thank you. Thanks for playing bye bye go pound sand See you later. So, writing out a list of what your boundaries are. What your deal breakers are, is huge. So, write them down. What are your boundaries? What will you not talk about with say, for example, Aunt Bertha who just wants to get stuff that she can go gossip about, you know? So, write things down. Write your list of deal breakers, you’re not going to put up with disrespect. You’re not going to put up
With lying, cheating, stealing, rewriting history, making you feel less than none of that name-calling. So, if any of these people during any of the Thanksgiving time do any of this, don’t put up with it. That’s a deal breaker. Let it be a hard line in the sand. Don’t want to just be like, oh, I don’t know. You know, it’s I only see them once a year. Ah, we’re not talking about this Aunt Bertha. How about them Dodgers? Oh, look, there’s aunt Martha. I’m going to go talk to Martha. Bye. And you just take off. So yeah, so you don’t want to overshare because then it’ll be used for the family drama. Remember, abusive families need drama and chaos, the way the rest of us need oxygen. Don’t give it to him. Don’t give it to him. Okay, so we’re going to get to the questions hold on just a second.
So, you can talk about the boundaries, but then the second one of them breaks that boundary. Okay, they’ve shown you who they are, be done, make changes on social media, and make social media private or as private as you possibly can. I do not accept friend requests from people I do not physically know in the real world. I don’t. That’s just what I do. And if people want to talk to me on social media, they are perfectly happy, I’m perfectly happy to have them go to the we need to talk page or the LPC page that I have. So, the LPC page is a little more personal, it’s more you know, I post houses and dresses and stuff and things I post things like that and you know, little funny memes and things like that social issues. And then we need to talk page I post exclusively things having to do with domestic violence and you know, self-esteem and things like that. So, but I don’t friend people on my personal page, I don’t I don’t know you, I’m not for any period. So, you know, make those boundaries. Not everybody needs to have access to you, and especially if you don’t know who they are. So again, some people get that other esteem. Oh, look at how many people like me look at how many friends I have. And it’s like, we’ll Okay, how about you love yourself? How about you like yourself? How about you give yourself a thumbs up? There you go, that would be good. Because it’s not about other esteem. It’s about self-esteem. So go into your social media, lock it down, lock it down. And especially with trolls, oh my God, I don’t put up with trolls. You guys know that I don’t put up with trolls. I don’t put up with trolls in my real life. I don’t put up with trolls in my virtual life. So don’t put up with it. You don’t have to block, delete, block, reports. You know, that’s what you need to do. And with family and friends. If they’re being trollish, you can block them. Why did you block me because you’re being an asshat. There we go. I don’t put up with that. And don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid to cut those toxic people out of your life, you don’t need them. And again, the inner child is the one that freaks out and goes. But if I get rid of them, I’ll be alone. Well, the truth of the matter is, is when you’re in a relationship with an abuser, you’re alone anyway, because they certainly do not have your best interest at heart, or your back, or anything else. So deep breath, you’re going to be okay. And you’re clearing out room for the healthier people. And that’s what you want. Okay, one more thing, and then we’re going to hit the questions. So that was that article that was how to set boundaries.
In an age of oversharing, by Andrea, Andrea Brandt, she’s awesome.
And then this one was, why do we do this? So why don’t we tell people more than we should. It’s a false sense of intimacy. We find solace in strangers, sometimes it’s the safest thing is to be able to go blah to a total stranger, which in that case, get a therapist. And again, you don’t want to do that because you don’t know who this person is. You don’t know what their connections are. You don’t know if they’re crazy, or if they’re sane or whatever. It’s a misguided attempt to fast-track the relationship now that’s what abusers do abusers overshare in order to get lull us into a false sense of security. So that will tell them everything. Poor boundaries? Absolutely. I think that should be the number one reason and it’s a hasty effort to make someone feel comfortable. And you don’t want to do that. You don’t need to.
If somebody is oversharing to you, what can you do? You can simply say you’re oversharing I love you, but I don’t need to know this. And there’s nothing wrong with it. Now, will they be offended if you do that? Yeah, they could. They absolutely could, but and if you’re a good friend and a friend is oversharing and they’re in an abusive relationship, or there’s a bunch of toxic people around them, you want to make them aware of it. I would want to be aware of it if I’m doing something stupid, I really appreciate it when people go, hey, you know, in some stupid, you know, or you’re doing something that could be harmful, or you’re doing something that you might want to take a look at or whatever, you know, that’s what good friends do is they call each other out in a loving way. And let them know. It’s like, hey, you’re oversharing, I don’t need to know this information, be careful who you share with and you know, not that I would do anything with it. But you know, these guys gossip behind your back. And these people talk about other people, do you really want them knowing this stuff? So there that is? Oh, Kay. All right let’s dive into the questions.
Is it common after realizing I’ve been oversharing in the past, I stopped sharing completely Yes. Oh, my God, yes. Because what we tend to do is, we have a really hard time with the middle ground really.
So, we either do one swing of the pendulum or the other swing of the pendulum, so and that’s normal, that is totally, totally normal. Please do not beat yourself up for that. We do. We either go this way, or we go that way. And it takes practice to slow the swing of the pendulum back to the center. So again, it has to do with trusting yourself. And oh, my goodness, thank you. It has to do with trusting yourself. And trusting your gut. And questioning, you want to get curious, remember how I said last week that instead of beating yourself up, you want to get curious? It’s like, Can I trust this person? What does my gut tell me? What how do I feel about this person? Are they trustworthy? So that’s why you don’t want to beat yourself up. It’s normal. It’s like when we’ve been doing this for so long. And then we realize and then we swing over to the other one. And we don’t tell anybody anything. And we isolate. And we don’t trust anybody, well, then you got to kind of swing it back to the middle path to the center path. So yeah, that is totally normal and takes practice. It takes trusting your gut, trusting yourself. Self-esteem. Hi, good to see you have a great day. You know what, it’s okay for you to hear your gut, listen to your gut, and then walk out. So yeah, in working Glen Schiraldi book, it’s absolutely important.
These days, I hardly share anything with anyone. Yeah, it’s in. And again, you want to make sure that the people you are sharing things with are healthy, that they’re not gossipers, that they’re not using the information against you, that they’re not that they don’t have an ulterior motive, any of that stuff. So, you definitely want to take a look at that. So, but don’t beat yourself up. This is normal, we swing one way, and then when we realize it, we swing the other way. And then we go Hmm, okay, that’s not working in there. Let’s go to the middle. So, work with a good therapist, work on your self-esteem, work on trusting your gut, do the mirror, work on the inner child, love that little inner child seriously, love that little one. And help them understand why boundaries are important. And why trusting the gut is important because think about it. When we’re little kids, and we’ve got an abusive parent and there’s stuff going on. And we’re the scapegoat because we see stuff, we call it out. It’s like, hey, there’s a pink elephant taking a dump in the corner of the living room. The abusive parent will go, you know, backhand us and go, you don’t see that that’s not there. You’re lying. You’re wrong. You’re this, you’re that and so kids do one of two things. Me I was an instigator. I was always like, Oh, yeah.
Let me talk to you about that pink elephant there, buddy. You know, but kids also can go the opposite direction and be like, oh, yeah, I don’t see the pink elephant. Okay, yeah, there’s no pink over there. And pretty soon, we stopped hearing our gut. We stop trusting our own instinct because our abuser has demanded that we not listen to our own gut. So, it’s really important to listen to your own gut to really start working on that sense of certainty. You know, what, you know, Several times in my young adulthood. I had abusers be like gaslight, right? Oh, well, no, you don’t know….. And then I had to go, let me think about this for a second. Ah, I know what I know. Back off, you know what I’m saying. So, you gotta get your certainty going. And that has to do with self-esteem, and then has to do with inner child, loving that inner child helping that inner child have self-esteem. You know, validating the kid. Yes, little one. You saw the pink elephant taking a dump in the corner of the living room, you’re not wrong, and you’re not crazy and you’re not a bad kid. And you’re not a scapegoat. You don’t have to be, you know, so helping that inner child get that certainty and that safety and that comfort and that soothing, and that’s why the Inner Child Workbook is so important is to start comforting and helping that little one gets that self-esteem that got ripped away from them by the A-hole abusers. So, yeah, there is that. Okay? Hold on.
Okay. I find myself being attracted to men who love bomb when I’m dating, and it’s really hard to navigate because I don’t feel like he’s attracted to me if he’s not love bombing. Do you have any advice? Okay? So, love bombing is not normal in our culture somehow because of all the stupid bachelorette and bachelor shows, oh, they make my head hurt. And all of the romance novels and all of the you know, romantic rom-coms, etc., etc., etc. It’s like, it’s expected that the person who’s declaring their love for you is going to do this all encompassing. On their knee, oh my God, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Bla bla bla bla bla. Love bombing is not normal guys. That is not the way it goes.
Dating is getting to know the person taking your time if somebody starts off right out the bat, and, you know, oh, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and you’ve dated them exactly two times. No, they don’t even know you. They don’t even know you this, this whole idea of love at first sight. And, you know, love bombing and this whole thing, it sets us up to be targets of abuse. It really does. For males and females, males fall for the love bombing as well. So, this is why self-esteem is rock solid. I can tell you know, again, younger years when somebody was blowing smoke it’s like it’s over the top not buying it. So, if you are feeling the need for the love bombing that says there’s a lack of self-esteem going on. You need to love yourself. You need to approve and accept and acknowledge and validate yourself. Get with a good therapist. Seriously. Where is this attachment wonkiness? Where’s this coming from? Is a mom is dad, his grandparents when did this because something happened, something happened. So, look into getting a good trauma therapist, really investigate your self-esteem, and really invest in yourself. Because, again, love bombing is depending on other esteem, it’s depending on somebody else to tell us how fabulous we are. We don’t need somebody else to tell us how fabulous you are, we know our own worth. Now, that does not mean you sit there and go valueless, you know, I mean, he can but that’s not what self-esteem is. Self-esteem is knowing your own worth and knowing when you’re being be asked. Does that make sense? So yeah, that is something to look into. And that is not normal.
So, a healthy dating situation, John and I took for freaking ever we did because both of us came from families of origin that we had definite personality disorders, definite issues, etc. So, when we first got together, it was platonic, completely nonsexual. We were friends, we went out and we did things, we did fun things, we rented movies, we went to movies, we went to the beach, we would, you know, we’d go do fun, you know, weird bands that our roommate Eric liked, you know, and that was later on in the relationship. But, um, but it took about two years before it finally became nonplatonic. But by that time, in two years’ time, met his family and met my family, you know, we knew each other, we understood where we were coming from. It was based on a friendship, okay. I think a lot of people make the mistake of somehow romance is over here. And friendship is somewhere over here. And that you can’t have the two together. The best romantic relationships are based on friendship. Because you got a lot in common, and you like each other. Like is way more important than love. Because like can lead to love. That’s great. But like, is like I really like this person. I like John. I like waking up next to him. I can’t wait to talk to him. I can’t wait to play. I can’t wait to go do things. I can’t wait to go look for a dog together. Hopefully soon. So, you know, it’s like, there’s like there you like the person and then if that leads to romance, that’s great. So, a great thing I heard was romance is friendship set on fire like something just ignited and it did for me and John it did.
So, but again, we took our time. And then we waited another two years after that before, he asked me to marry him. And then we waited another two years before we got married. You know, I was in no hurry, he was in no hurry. And honestly, in November, we will be celebrating 30 years of being together, not married, but being together romantically. So, we’ve been together romantically for 30 years, and I never get tired of him. Because there’s always something new, you know, because you’re a friend, and you do fun things.
So, and that’s what I would suggest, go slow. Abusers want that instant connection, instant, you know, obligation. So, fear obligation guilt, so they love on the bomb, love bomb, the oxytocin is going they push the sex thing, the whole thing. And, you know, they’re trying to hook you. So that’s something you need to work on, because that’s a self-esteem thing. So, you don’t need to be loved bombed. Now, in a healthy normal relationship, there’s like, there’s a lot of like, you know, like you, let’s go do this fun thing. And then you go do the fun thing. You know, but it’s not this constant bombardment of, oh, you’re the most fabulous thing ever, and I can’t live without you. And I need to have sex with you all the time. And, and that’s what, that’s what love bombers do is they want to get you in bed so they can get the oxytocin going so they can get you addicted to them. So be careful, be careful of that, get with a good therapist, and kind of work through that.
Okay, let’s see, um, I have over-shared with service workers, waiters, hairdressers, etc. It’s been a huge mistake. I need to vent about my marriage and have lost the ability for small talk. How do I be a social person again? Okay. So, again, I would say get with a good therapist, therapist is the one you want to vent to the therapist is the one you want to work things out with.
Social stuff, you know, just small talk, just a little small talk, you know, people love to talk about themselves, they do. So, when we’re at a restaurant, the one of the number one things I asked the waiter or the waitress or the matron is, how are you doing? How’s the house today then for you? Because, one I’m genuinely curious. And two, they feel seen. And that’s huge. Because how many times do, and this pisses me off. Because I used to be a waitress? How many times do abusers come into a restaurant? It’s snap their fingers at the waiters, and you know this, that, and the other thing and get me this and send this back? And how dare you and then leave it to cent tip? Don’t get me started, you know, and they see the waiters as somehow as their personal servants. And I’m just like, ah, now, you know. So, you know, how are you doing? How’s your day going? That small talk it is? Yeah. Especially for a person that you don’t know. Well, how are you doing? I’m doing great. You know, it’s beautiful. Sunshine, birds are singing It’s good.
So, you don’t, you don’t have to share your entire life story. When somebody says how are you doing? You don’t have to I mean, you could give them the counselor’s fine. Which is, you know, effed up insecure, neurotic, and emotional, oh, everything’s fine. You know, but you know, in your head, everything’s not fine. It’s there stuff going on with the spouse or whatever. So, you can say everything’s fine, and no in your head that that means FW, insecure, neurotic and emotional. Or you could just be like, it’s okay. I’m going okay. I’m, I’m excited about being here, you know, or something like that. That’s small talk. It’s small talk. So, you know, you don’t want to divulge personal stuff to somebody who doesn’t need to know it, you know, they don’t need to know about your marriage or your spouse or your whatever. And when people in our society say, well, how are you it’s a nicety. It’s not that they really want to hear everything. I know, it’s really confusing, but you know, and so you just give them a general answer. Oh, it’s good, good day, or whatever, you know. So, again, understand the social contract as you’re going into it. That’s really when waiters say well, how are you? They’re not wanting to hear everything. It’s a nicety. It’s just it’s a social, what’s the word I’m looking for? It’s manners, and it’s the social niceties that grease the wheels of civilization. Which is why I’m so angry that a lot of manners have gone to hell in a handbasket. Don’t get me started. So, yeah, so that’s what that is. So don’t beat yourself up. Do not beat yourself up. Do not beat yourself up. Do not beat yourself up. Because we’ve, when we’ve been in that kind of situation, like an abusive family or whatever, we don’t know how to be social. We don’t we don’t know how to have boundaries, so that again, put those people in those columns and decide what you’re going to share with each set of people.
So, the waiters etc., would fall onto the acquaintances slash strangers column. And so, you wouldn’t talk about intensely personal stuff with a total stranger. So, there that is, but don’t beat yourself out. It’s just a practice thing. Okay, um, doo doo doo doo doo doo. I would definitely get a therapist and start working on that, though.
Okay, how to respond to my own shame attacks about pout past instances of oversharing? That is a really good question. So, here’s the deal. We don’t shame babies for falling when they’re learning how to walk. Why do we shame ourselves? When we’re learning how to not overshare? Same thing. In the past, we have all done things that were probably not great. So, in the past, we didn’t know what we know. Now. You know you don’t beat up a kid for not knowing what they don’t know. Right? Don’t beat yourself up for not knowing what you didn’t know, in the past. We’ve all overshared, we have every single one of us here, raise your hand. Every single one of us here has over-shared at some point in our lives. Yes, because we didn’t have the tools for how to stop. We didn’t have the tools for self-esteem. We didn’t have the tools for working with the inner child. But now that we have those tools, now we can do something different. And it makes no sense to beat ourselves up. So, something you can do is put that shame back where it belongs. Who taught you the shame? Who wants you to be shame filled? That would be the abuser. So dear abuser, kindly go pound sand. I am handing this shame back to you. It is not mine. It is yours. Buh bye. Bye now go pound sand. Do you see where I’m going with that? So, CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving Pete Walker, put the shame, the anger, the blame all of it. The mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs back onto the abuser. We’ve all made mistakes, forgive yourself. Ah, forgiving yourself is huge. We’ve all made mistakes we all have. So, forgive yourself. Just like you wouldn’t beat up a child for not knowing how to walk, you’re not going to beat yourself up for not knowing how to emotionally walk. Does that make sense? So, I would say Radical Self-Forgiveness by Collin Tipping is a wonderful book for working on self-forgiveness. So, work on that and get with a good therapist. Nail that shame down. It’s not even yours. Hand it back to the abuser. Get rid of it. Forgive yourself. Give yourself grace, no judgment. No judgment. I think I said this last week. No judgment. No judgment, no judgment. We’ve all been there, done that, kiddo. We’ve all been there, done that. So, take the shame and put it back where it belongs. And when it pops up. You’re going to do thoughts stopping? Hello, Shane. I hear you, I see you. You’re not coming in for coffee because I know you’re going to stay for breakfast so book by you’re going back to the abuser but by now but by and you send it off, have a little bit of humor with it. Because, remember, abusers want to be taken seriously. They’re serious. You know, and with that, you just kind of got to be like you’re not even mine. Go away bye bye, you know, so put it back to the abuser. It’s not even yours. Absolutely. And be gentle with you. Gentle, gentle, gentle, gentle, gentle, gentle, you just acknowledge it. Yeah, I overshared in the past, wasn’t the greatest thing. Okay, now I know better. Now I can do better. That’s what you want to do.
Okay, question Hoover season is not just coming. It’s upon us. What do you say when invited somewhere? You don’t want to go? And they keep pushing? No.and No is a complete sentence.
No, is a complete sentence. I’ve already told you. No, I’m not coming. I have previous plans. No is a complete sentence. Please stop asking me about this. Because the answer is not going to change. So, what they’re doing is they’re pushing the boundary. They’re trying to see if they can get you to cave.
So, with somebody who’s being pushy about it, I’ve already given you my answer. The answer is no. That is not going to change. No is a complete sentence. Please don’t ask me again. You’re going to have to get tough with them. You are, especially if it’s family, you’re going to have to get tough with them, and don’t be afraid because what do abusers do fear, obligation, guilt. And I see this a lot in newly married couples, where there’s an abuser or two like on either side, and so they get angry that you’re not doing what they want like you’re going over to the in-laws or you’ve made your own traditions or whatever. And so they push, push, push, push, push and pester pester, pester, pester pester. Because think about it. It’s just like a little kid in a grocery store that wants candy and they start acting out. Well, that’s what these two people are doing, or that person is doing. And you have to just be like, Nope, no, is a complete sentence. I’ve told you, my answer is no, we are not coming for Thanksgiving. Please stop asking and stop pestering. Because that is not going to change my answer, then just have to just be honest, and then they’re going to have whatever reaction they’re going to have. And notice, if it’s the inner child in you, that’s kind of freaking out about it. It’s like, oh, my god, I can’t tell them. I can’t who because they’re going to, well, they’re going to do whatever they’re going to do. Let them you can’t control them anyway. All you can do is control you and respect your own boundaries. So no, is a complete sentence. And you can tell I’ve had to say that to some family members, no is a complete sentence. Thank you. You know, and you’re just going to have to be certain and strong and really good boundaries. And that is actually one of the deal breakers because they are not respecting your note. If people do not respect your no, they’re showing you who they are. Get rid of them. Okay, I think there’s one or two more questions. How are we doing on time? Okay.
How can we be aware that intrusive questions are about to put us in an oversharing flashback?
What can we do about it? So, I think the best thing to do again, is get with a good trauma therapist that honestly that’s going to be your best option to work through this oversharing codependency inner child all of that stuff. The other thing you can do is journal the heck out of it like seriously, like okay, when have I overshared? What were the questions that they were pushing? What pushes my buttons How do I know that I’m about to overshare What can I do to stop myself from oversharing and the way you stop yourself is the word no, no is a complete sentence. So do you see where I’m going with that so journal it out that’s going to be one good way to do that. Another is get with a good therapist work through this oversharing thing Self-Esteem Workbook Glenn Schiraldi, The Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker, CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. Any and all of those books are going to help you and then journal and then know yourself know yourself. How do you feel? Body pay attention to your body be mindful when you’re about to overshare what’s going on in your body, and can you alter that course? Can you get up? Can you walk away Can you say no and mean it, you know that kind of thing, and practice in the mirror? When I know I have to deal with a difficult person I will practice I will practice what I’m going to say so that it’s entrenched in my mind how to say it, when to say it, what to say, that kind of thing. So yeah, so gentle with you. This is this is common. Okay, let me see what else we’ve got. I think that’s it all right, my loves you guys. Go have a great weekend. Take good care of yourselves. Drink plenty of water. We’ve got a wonderful temperature change coming finally to Phoenix. It’s going to cool down day. Take care of yourselves and I’ll talk to you next week.
Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.
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