We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez

10-30-2022 You Are Not the UN. Stop Peace Keeping.
In this episode of We Need To Talk With Kris Godinez, Kris discusses how “Peace Keeping” is not only a co-dependent response, it is, in fact, a trauma response! The full transcript of this episode can be read on our website.

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Okay, so today’s current event that, we have to talk about the attack on Paul Pelosi, and I would be talking about this, whether this was a Republican that was the spouse that had been attacked or whether it was a Democrat spouse that had been attacked, this is unacceptable! And here are the two pink elephants taking dumps in the corner of the nation’s living room. One: mental health in this country sucks! It does! It always has. It’s never been good. We have never truly addressed mental health issues and especially severely mentally ill health issues.

The way in the past that it was dealt with, dealt with in bunny ears, was that they were warehoused. And they were put into these horrible institutions like the Pennhurst or Trans Allegheny or, you know, and they were just warehoused and not dealt with, not helped, not, you know, given tools, not you know, or the proper medication. Or and, or they would just do these horrible experiments like lobotomies on them, and it never got dealt with. So that’s, that’s pink elephant number one. It’s like, why are we just kind of going “No, no, no, we’re not going to talk about that. We’ll talk about the weapons.” Okay, this guy used a hammer. Let me be clear, if you’re crazy, if you’re delusional, if you’re hearing voices, if you’ve got command hallucinations, and I’m not saying he did, but if you’re crazy, and you think it’s a good idea to go attack an 82-year-old man with a hammer, there’s an issue there.

And Issue number two, pink elephant number two in the living room? Is that this kid, kid, anybody younger than me as a kid anyway, the point being is, is that this guy had been posting online, all of these threats, all of these intentions, all of these, and either people didn’t take it seriously, because they didn’t know what to look for, or they didn’t understand the seriousness of the threats, you know, or they just didn’t recognize, you know, hey, this is kind of like a first warning sign here. We should probably do a welfare check and see what’s going on. Do you see where I’m going? That we’re not trained. We’re not honest to God, so. Okay. And here’s the other thing.

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Okay, sorry. I’ll address that one later. Because I was about to go on a different rant, but I’m not going to. So, the mental health in this country has got to be addressed. Absolutely. You cannot just sweep it under the carpet and go “Oh, it’s going to get better.” No, it’s going to get lumpier and it’s going to get nastier and it’s going to be harder to clean. Okay, that’s what happens when you sweep things under the carpet. So that mental health issue is one of the pink elephants that we just we don’t do good mental health in this country. And we should because there are a lot of mentally ill people out there. I worked in the homeless shelter, and almost all of them were mentally ill. And I know people love to do that whole Oh, you know, they’re just taking advantage of the services and… Okay, you try having a demon screaming in one ear and God screaming in the other and somebody giving you a job interview in front of you and see how well you do!

Okay. So mental health needs to be addressed. Contact your local representatives, this needs to be handled at a local level. We need to get the city governments involved, we need to get the county governments involved, we need to get the state governments involved, we need to get the federal government involved. This needs to be handled I’m sounding the alarm. And I get to say I told you so if it gets worse because I’ve been telling you so for how long? Okay, there’s a problem needs to be handled.

Pink Elephant number two. This guy was influenced by social media said it throughout his ramblings online. You cannot stand in a theater and scream fire because people will stampede out and get killed. There is a reason why it is illegal, there is a reason why people will get arrested for doing that because people have been harmed and people have been killed. The people who are doing social media and I talked about this, I think it was last week when we talked about the idiot TikTok challenges that are dangerous. This is no different. Inciting someone to violence is the same thing. As standing in a crowded theater and screaming fire. They need to be held fiscally, legally and morally accountable. This is not okay. And again, we need to get our government officials involved in getting that handled because this is not okay.

When somebody is mentally ill, and if they’ve got command hallucinations, and if they’ve got any sort of severe mental illness that is unmedicated, they’ve got voices going. They are going to act on what they hear on a daily basis. It happened at the homeless shelter. It’s happening in other cities around the world, basically. So, accountability. Words are powerful. That’s why I try to be so careful what I say here so that I am helping as many people as possible and not hurting anyone. Those people that incite violence that incite conspiracy theories that incite division and dirision and negativity, and nastiness, they are probably disordered. And they are probably narcissistic because that’s what narcissists do. They stir things up, and then they sit back and go, Oh, goody, look at what I made happen. Look at all these terrible things happening in the family. Look at all the terrible things happening out in the public. Look at how powerful I am. That’s what they do, guys. That’s what they do. This needs to be addressed. Absolutely. It needs to be addressed. They need to be held accountable.

And here’s a little caveat onto the end of that. Here’s how I know that people can get along. We’ve gotten along for a long time. Until social media. Number one, I know I sound like one of those old ladies. Well, I am one of those old ladies. Because we got along really well before social media, social media happens, and the trolls took over, and oh my god, and they’re just enjoying the division and the derision and the nastiness. Here’s the other reason I know this is possible for us to all get along is that healthy people can accept differing opinions. We may not agree with them. Absolutely. But we certainly don’t take a hammer to them for not having the same opinion. Okay? I just got back from a Halloween party last night. Over at Hanson’s house. Oh my God, it was so much fun. Everybody was like, What are you? I’m like, I’m a therapist. So I just dressed normally.

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Some people got the joke, some people didn’t. But, um, anyway, the point being is, is that Hanson is a libertarian, I am liberal. His friends are mostly Republican. Guess what? Not only do we get along, we actually like each other. And we actually like having social normal discourse and understanding where the other one is coming from! May not agree with them, but it’s like, it helps to talk, and it helps to understand and helps to get the other opinions and it helps to…

Because we’re adults, and we aren’t splitting, we aren’t like black, white, good, bad or nothing. And that’s what these people are doing. And they are playing off of that. So, it needs to be addressed. It does. They’re the two the two pink elephants in the nation’s living room. One is the lack of mental health care and training. Nobody caught that. If I had read that stuff, I would have been like, oh, Houston, we got a problem Where’s you know, going? Who can we send out? And that’s the other thing. It’s like, generally, they won’t do anything unless it’s danger to self or danger to others.

And I think that was a danger to others that was just completely missed. So okay, so we’ve got that the mental health issue needs to be addressed on all levels. It cannot just be a state or federal, it’s got to be local. It’s got to be local, as well. The second issue is the people that are standing in a crowded theater, i.e. the internet and screaming fire and inciting people, especially mentally ill people, to violence. They’ve got to be held accountable. So here endth the rant, I just thought I’d bring that up.

Okay, now let’s talk about Thanksgiving. And or Christmas and or New Year’s and or all the holidays coming up. So basically, we’ve got a lot of holidays coming up in the next few months. Peacekeeping. Let’s talk about peacekeeping. So, peacekeeping, being the Peacekeeper in the family, being the clown in the family, being somebody who smooths over the issues in the family is a trauma response. I know, I know, it’s like their last four weeks, I’ve been talking about nothing but trauma responses. And that’s what we’re dealing with.

So, when we are in a family of origin, and they are disordered, splitting, black-white thinking, lots of anger, lots of chaos, lots of drama. Kids start falling into roles. And one of the roles is a peacekeeper, and that’s a tough role for a kid because it’s not their job. So, here’s this poor little kid, you know, young, 810 years old, either trying to be the comedian to make people laugh and not yell at each other or literally being the intermediary, splitting people apart, you know, distracting doing whatever they need to make the family get along. So here’s what happens, abusive people hate holidays, hate them, they say they love them, but they don’t. Because what they do is they set about to ruin every single holiday out there, they just do. And the way they ruin it is either by creating anger, chaos, drama, you know, whatever. Or they suddenly, you know, if they’re, if they’re the covert narcissist, they’ll suddenly have some sort of health issue in the middle of dinner. And it’s really nothing. You know, so they set about to harm people, they set about to blow it up, they set about to create as much drama as possible. And if we were growing up in this family, then we were trained to make everything smooth. We were trained to make it better. We were trained to be the diplomat, be the ambassador be the whatever. That is so not fair to kids, that is so not fair to kids. So not fair. Because little kids can’t handle that. And they’re forcing, they’re forcing the kid to take sides, basically. And then making it mad at the peacekeeper, that’s trying to keep everything smooth, and everything calm, and everything good. Instead of really dealing with the abuser that has caused the drama, the upset the whatever. So peacekeeping is a form of people-pleasing.

And it’s funny because when I’m working with my clients, they’ll read like, the disease to please. And they may or may not recognize their role, right? So they’re like, well, but I never really, you know, did things for other people expecting to get anything back? Okay, well, but did you do other things that were, you know, trying to keep the peace or trying to, you know, make somebody else happy or trying to whatever. So the people that…the people that do that, this goes forward in their life, okay. And they find themselves constantly trying to keep the peace, constantly being the comedian, constantly distracted, constantly doing whatever, in order to try to keep the calm, okay, so that is a people-pleasing mood, it’s not just about, oh, I’m doing something for somebody, so that they’ll give something back to me, it’s like if you’re doing this in order to influence the family dynamics, that is still people pleasing. I know. Mind blown. So, these kids that are forced into this now I was the comedian, in my family, I was I was either the scapegoat, or the comedian, or sometimes the funny scapegoat because I would do that too.

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But kids are forced into these roles. And so as the comedian, my job was to keep it light. My job was to make people laugh. My job was to find the humor in this really awful situation, you know, and I kind of carry that through, I use humor a lot. I really do. You know, it becomes a problem, though, if you’re using humor to avoid the emotions you’re feeling. And oftentimes, comedians, that’s what they do. And that’s, you know, they grow up and they use the humor to keep people at arm’s length and to keep that vulnerability away from that’s a problem when we grow up and we continue doing that role even though we don’t need to do it anymore. So, looking at the roles of Peacekeeper and comedian and scapegoat and golden child and, you know, in really dysfunctional families, second spouse, you know, etc., etc., etc. Second, mom, second dad is really important because that’s going to tell us what our knee-jerk reaction is to situations that bring up flashbacks. I know.

So, there were a couple of really great articles on psychology today. So, let’s see if I can find this. Okay, this one is called playing out our childhood role. And I’m bringing up the whole Peacekeeper thing. Sorry, we’ll get to the article in a moment. I’m bringing up the whole Peacekeeper thing because as we’re coming into the holidays, we’re having to deal with family or not. I mean, honestly, if your family is toxic, I absolve you. You don’t have to spend time with them. You don’t serious hand to heart, you don’t have to spend time with toxic family, you don’t you have the right to go do your own damn holiday or no holiday at all. I mean, if you just wanted to shut your doors and pretend you’re not home do that, you are under no obligation to spend time with these people. So the scary thing of it is, is that when the holidays come up, we get this nostalgia, and the inner child is running the show. And we feel like we have to, or we’re obligated. So please remember fog, fear, obligation guilt. If somebody’s guilt tripping you into spending the holidays with them, do not spend the holidays with them. Don’t if you feel obligated, do not spend the holidays with them. If you’re fearful, do not spend the holidays with them. A lot of times what I hear people say is Oh my gosh, I have to I got to protect my sister, or I have to protect my brother, or I have to protect my mom or I have to… no, it is not your job. It is not your job. And I think that is what is so damaging to us as survivors as we get stuck in these roles of protector or Peacekeeper or comedian or, you know, golden child, scapegoat or you know, whatever. And we think we have to keep doing that role forever and ever. Amen. And we do not. So, if you’re looking at the holidays, because and this is why I wanted to talk about this now because it’s only, you know, it’s right before Halloween. So if you’re looking at the holidays, and you’re like, Oh, I do not want to go spend Thanksgiving with the in-laws, or with my parents or you know, whatever family, you don’t have to, you don’t have to and you do not owe anybody an explanation. Well, but why? Well, we have other plans. But what plans do you have, big ones. And you just leave it at that. Thank you for asking.

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Crickets, and you don’t have to say anything else. And I think again, this goes back to oversharing. So we have a tendency to overshare when we’re saying no to an abuser, because we’re afraid because the inner child is afraid because we know how they’re going to freak out. They will try to punish. But here’s the deal. You’re an adult, they really truly cannot do anything to you. I mean, they can yell, they can scream, they can cry, they can play the victim, they can tell everybody what a horrible child you are. Oh well. Sticks and stones, mofo, sticks and stones, you know what I’m saying? So yeah, you just you don’t have to go spend the holidays with them, go do your own thing. But if you do decide to spend the holidays with them, be aware of how we slipped back into those roles really quickly. Like really quickly. Like when I would go home to visit, it would take maybe less than a week, probably three days, for me to be like oh my god, I’m seven years old again. What the hell? You know, and that’s just a notice. It’s just kind of like, Uh huh, isn’t that interesting? I feel like I’m seven. And my mom’s treating me like I’m seven. Hmm, interesting, you know, that kind of thing. So, you know, it’s just a notice kind of thing. And then note to self. I don’t need to do this. I don’t need to keep coming back here. I don’t know what I’m looking for. Well, I do know, the inner child is looking for the family that we always wanted. They’re not there guys there.

There’s no they’re there. If they were abusive, if they’re toxic, if they’re drama, Queens, drama kings, etc. There is no there there you’re never going to find the family you wanted with your family of origin if they are disordered and toxic. So, there is that? Okay, um, so, alright.

Okay, so, in this article, what I wanted to bring up is playing out the family roles. Okay, the peacekeeper’s job is to keep the peace by being an intermediate mediary go-between and mediator to pacify those who are irritable or angry in the family. So, I think I’ve talked about this before being a peacekeeper can be really dangerous physically. So, in my in-law’s family, there was a member of the family that was a raging and I do mean raging, alcoholic. And every time we got together, he would go around the room and he would start insulting people and he was looking for somebody to burst into tears, come unglued, argue with him, fight with him. etc., etc. And it never happened. It never happened because we all just kind of were like, Oh God, here he goes, you know. And eventually, the brothers would have to get together and carry him out because he was so falling down drunk. And it was dangerous because this guy weighed like, you know, 350 or so he was a very large man, and not a very nice man, and a violent drunk. And, you know, there’s always that possibility that you could take a swing at you, you know? So it’s dangerous. Being the Peacekeeper, physically. It’s also dangerous being the Peacekeeper emotionally because if the family decides that they really do want a knock down, drag out, and you’re trying to smooth things over, they’re going to blame you. You’re the problem. Now you’ve become the scapegoat.

Okay, so the roles are interchangeable. The peacekeeper role is interchangeable. It’ll keep being a peacekeeper will either make you the golden child, if you make everything good enough. Never because they’ll find something wrong with it, or it’ll turn you into the scapegoat or whatever. So you’ve got to be really, really aware of not slipping into that role. And if somebody comes to you and goes, do something, okay, leave not your job. Not your job being the Peacekeeper is not your job, it is not. So okay, let’s go through this, okay.

The Parental child is a miniature adult. I think we’ve talked about this where the kids have become parentified. And this is also a part of peacekeeping because they’re asking a child to make adults behave. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed this or not, but you cannot make somebody behave if they don’t want to if they’re bent on hell-bent on misbehavior, and or if they’ve got drugs or alcohol on board, there’s no way you can make them behave! Absolutely not because they’re in an altered state of mind, whether they’re mentally ill or whether they are on drugs and alcohol. So, you know, again, it puts the kid in a really bad situation. And it’s not fair of the adults to make the child be the adult. It’s not the kid’s job. It’s the adult’s job. But I cannot tell you the number of times I have seen adults throw the kid under the bus in order to save themselves. So, you know, well, you go take care of this, you go talk to them, you go do this, you go, you know, instead of hey, relative that’s a drunk jerk, you’re banished by get them out of here, call the police do whatever, you know, do you see where I’m going with that? So, it puts the kid in a very dangerous emotionally situation and it puts the kid in a very dangerous physical situation. Okay, so there’s the miniaturized child.

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The marital child is the second spouse. So that has to do with incest, the Helper, the assistant, and they’re always helping, and they’re always intervening. And that kind of goes along with the Peacekeeper, the dependent child is an extended and exaggerated childlike position. So, they become infantilized. So, there’s that the abandoned or invisible child is usually the middle child, not always the unwanted child. That kind of goes along with the scapegoat. The criticized child, this is the scapegoat can’t do anything wrong or can’t do anything, right. They’re always wrong. The betrayed child may have confidential confidentiality violated when they’ve confided something personal in the parent. So, the parent will pump them for information, and then at the Thanksgiving or Christmas, blurt it all out and the parent gets off on that if they are an abuser. The clown’s job is to keep things smooth, and funny, and light. The hero makes good grades. So that would be like the golden child. And the rebel is the rule breaker, which can also be the scapegoat. So, there is that.

Now the second one I got was, Are you a relationship peace keeper. Okay, now this is how it plays out in romantic relationships. And this is where it gets dangerous, really dangerous. I mean, it was dangerous before. But if you’re in an abusive relationship with a narcissist with somebody who is mentally, emotionally physically abusive, manipulative, etc., etc., etc. The Peacekeeper will automatically assume that everything in the relationship that’s wrong is their fault. Because the family of origin has trained them that it’s their fault. And so, they will bend over backwards, they will turn themselves into pretzels trying to make this unpleasable person pleased. And this is where it gets dangerous because peacekeepers are the ones who lose themselves more than anybody else. So, scapegoats can lose themselves. Absolutely. But if they’re the rebel scapegoats, they have tendency to, like, call the BS out for the BS that they see it. Does that make sense? So, the peacekeepers that are like I want peace at all costs , I’ll just lose myself, I’ll just Shush, I’ll just not say anything, I’ll just, you know, go away, I’ll be quiet, I won’t, you know, whatever. So that is that leads to losing yourself.

So, your world gets smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller as you try to twist yourself into something that’s going to keep the peace between you and this monster that does not want peace. Does that make sense? So, it’s dangerous, because that’s when we lose ourselves, we literally become a ghost of who we were, we really do we do, and we no longer recognize ourselves. Because we’ve given up so much, we’ve, we’ve continued to give up ground, you know, to try to please this person. And that’s dangerous. That’s, those are the clients that come in and start talking to me, that literally sit there and go, I don’t know who I am. I used to be, you know, confident and strong. And this, that and the other thing, and then it’s like, you know, they’re like, I don’t know who I am. I couldn’t even tell you what I like to eat. You know, I’m because this person would make them wrong. For everything. The criticism is insane. And, of course, this person is trying to smooth things over and make things good again and returned to the love bombing, which will never happen because they’re cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. These guys over here, the abusers. So peacekeeping is it’s seen as noble or a good thing in the family of origin. But it comes back and bites us in the ass when we are in an abusive relationship. And it’s important to recognize what was your role? What was your role in the family? Were you the peacekeeper? Were you the one that was trying to make all these impossible people behave?

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And we get that not good enough, not good enough, not good enough thing when we can’t make them behave. I know! It’s a no-win situation. So, you’re told you’re the Peacekeeper you’re being demanded to go into the situation and fix it. Right? Fixing people pleasing, hello, can’t fix it, can’t make them behave, therefore you’re not good enough, and guess what your internal critic is going to do. And it’s the same thing when we get involved with an abuser. So, you’re not the UN.

Frankly, the UN doesn’t do a great job in peacekeeping either. So, the point being is, if you see that your role is the Peacekeeper or the clown, or any other role. Take a look at that. Start investigating. What were your childhood roles? If you were the Peacekeeper, how much of you did you give up? How much of you did you lose? You know, what do you Who were you before you got involved with the abuser that’s where you want to get back to if you had confidence before the abuser, that’s what you want to start working on. And that’s why it’s important to work on the codependency because the codependency is connected to the childhood roles, right? Because we’re doing things to try to make things smooth and make other people happy, etc., etc., etc. And the self-esteem. Everything’s connected to self-esteem. It’s all connected. We are all one. It is true. We are all one and it is all connected. And really the key to this is getting rid of the codependency, getting rid of the roles that we played, especially the Peacekeeper one, I think, in a super dysfunctional family. The worst one is the second spouse because the second husband, second wife, because there’s so much going on. Also, emotional incest going on. The next worst one could be either the scapegoat or the Peacekeeper because the scapegoat is never right. Can’t do anything, right, everything’s wrong. And then the Peacekeeper is put into this position of if you don’t fix it, you’re a bad person.

This is all no-win situations, guys. All of these roles are no-win situations. The only person that’s winning in this is the frickin Narcissus. So, the best way to win is to not play. So, if you recognize yourself in any of these childhood roles because remember, abusers can’t hang with, what’s the word I’m looking for? They can’t hang with who the kid is, right? So, they had to put us in these boxes that they can label. So, like mine was, I was the cute stupid one. So, you know, and my sister was, you know, the oldest one was the golden child. And the next one was, you know, the brilliant one, and you know all of this. So, they can’t handle who a person is because a person is multifaceted, right? They have all sorts of different facets to them. And a narcissist can deal with that because they don’t have those facets. They can’t understand emotions, they can’t feel emotions, they can’t love, they can’t, you know, and so they put kids into these neat little boxes that they can easily manipulate and easily use and easily harm and everything else.

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So, you want to take a look at what box did they put you in? What role did you play in your family? And can you start working on that with a therapist and if you can’t get a therapist get The Inner Child Workbook, Lucia Cappacchione or Catherine Taylor. Okay, I just said that Hello.

The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi The Disease to Please by Harriet Brakier. Any other book on codependency would be really good. CPTSD from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, and start working on breaking up those boxes, breaking them down. They’re not yours, get rid of them that this, this is not who you are. This is who you are, you are way bigger than whatever your abuser has told you, you were. So, take a look at the childhood roles. Take a look at the peacekeeping and notice how much you try to do it in your everyday life. As we’re coming up on Thanksgiving and Christmas. You don’t have to be the Peacekeeper, and if somebody asks you to say, no! No, that is your word. No is, no is your word from here on out. No is a powerful word. You don’t have to just because they tell you to. And I think a lot of us get into that trap of Oh, well. But mom wants me to go in there and make aunt Bertha and Aunt Martha get along. No, not your job, make mom do it. You know, not my job, Mom, you want to get along you talk to him. She’s not going to like it. But oh, well, you can always leave. You don’t have to stay if you get into a situation where the family is just behaving like a bunch of feral, rabid ferrets leave, you don’t have to stay you don’t!! You’re under no obligation, fear, obligation, guilt. So, you cannot force people to don’t want to behave, to behave. And take a look at how that peacekeeping plays out in your everyday life. What is your role at work? So usually when we get into work situations, and I will get to the questions, I know I’m going over.

When we get into a work situation, we tend to take those childhood roles into a group situation with us and we find ourselves repeating the behavior in a different situation. So, if you’re at work, and you find that you’re the Peacekeeper, you need to stop, not your job. There is not enough money in the world to pay you for that. Do you see where I’m going with that?

So anyway, that is, you’re not the UN, it is not your job. Look at the childhood roles that you’ve been forced into, take a look at the family of origin, if they are toxic, and you don’t enjoy being with them and you’re dreading going to Thanksgiving, or you’re dreading going to Christmas, don’t go do your own thing. Or if you go, and they start trying to force you into those family roles again, say no and mean it No. And I mean it, and you either stop, or I’m leaving.

There you go. And then, if they don’t stop, you leave. So, follow-through is really important.

Anyway, there’s that it’s stupid what they do to us, it’s stupid what they do to us as kids because it then affects us as adults and either affects us in a romantic relationship, where we just keep giving and giving and giving and giving and trying to fix, trying to fix trying to fix, trying to fix, trying to fix, it, eventually, in some cases kills us, or it emotionally kills us or it, you know, exhausts us or whatever, or we get into a situation where we can’t fix it and we somehow think it’s us as opposed to them.

So, there it is, you’re not the UN. You don’t have to be the Peacekeeper, it’s a terrible job, resign the benefits suck. You don’t need to do it. Okay, so and take a look at the family roles. That would be my suggestion. Take a look at what your family role is. And how does that play out in your everyday life? Start working on that you don’t have to do that that is not who you are. That is not who you are who they told you were not who you are. And that’s what I invite you to discover is who are you know really what is your role in this world? What do you want to be doing? You know and that’s the fun part is when you finally start recognizing your worth Glenn Schiraldi self-esteem workbook, your boundaries the disease to please Harriet breaker, you know, and the fact that this stuff all belongs to the abuser  CPTSD from surviving to thriving Pete Walker, you know, and you’re free. That’s, that’s where I want you to get so okay, there that is Oh, so this this article was you the relationship peacekeeper? How to tell if you have true emotional intimacy, and this is by Ann Smith, and that’s on psychology today. And it has all the different childhood roles which are Wait, is this the one with all the childhood roles? No, the other one was the one with the childhood roles. So anyway, it’s a good article, but both of them are good articles. So okay, let’s dive into the questions, shall we?

Okay, let me make this bigger so I can actually see it. There we go. Um, I’ve started grieving my narcissistic mom who’s still alive. Oh, I’m sorry. Yes. I feel so guilty about it. Does it ever get easier? Yeah, it does. The hardest grief you will ever do is grieving the loss of somebody who is still walking the face of this planet. I know, it’s…. So, when we are dealing with really separating ourselves from an abuser, especially a parental abuser. It’s hard because the inner child desperately wants that person to love us and protect us and apologize and this that the other thing, and it’s never going to happen. So, you want to work on the inner child workbook, you want to self-esteem, you want to get with a good therapist and start working through this stuff. Does it get easier? Yes, it does. No contact. And let me be clear because I’ve had some people try to argue with me on this. And I’m just like, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Please be quiet and sit down. No Contact is no contact, it means you’re done. It means you’re not talking to them ever. It’s not used to make them see the error of their ways. A narcissist and abuser is never not on this or any other planet Earth. Going to see the error of their ways ever. They will never they have never done a wrong thing in their lives as far as they are concerned. My dad’s favorite saying was I’m not lost. I’m only temporarily confused or I’m not wrong. I’m only temporarily confused. He could never admit to being wrong. He could never admit to being lost in the car, which is why we were lost out in the woods in the middle of a creek one time don’t get me started. So anyway, the point being, is that yes, it does get easier, but initially, when you go, no contact.

It is incredibly painful. The oxytocins are going nuts, especially if it was a romantic relationship. In this case, it was a parental relationship. So, there’s all that fear, obligation, and guilt, that is what you need to work on the fog. And anytime those thoughts pop up, oh, you need to be obligated you owe her or, you know, how dare you she’s going to punish you or you feel so guilty? How dare you? How dare you not talk to your mom? Okay, I hear you, I see you. And here’s every rotten thing this woman ever did to me, I have gone no contact, I am going to stay no contact. Buh Bye. Buh bye now buh bye, go pound sand. But you just got to keep working through that guilt and that fear and that obligation. And like I said, grieving the loss of somebody who is still walking the planet is really hard. So, what I suggest is you treat it as if she were dead. Nope. mom’s dead.

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Ex-Boyfriend dead. Ex friend dead. I will grieve this loss; I am grieving the loss of the illusion of who I thought they were. I cannot change them, I cannot fix them, I cannot help them. It is beyond my means. It would literally take a biblical proportion kind of thing for them to change. So that’s one way to do it, as you grieve it like a physical loss. Like they’re dead, they’re gone. You know, because that person, if they’re a narcissist, if their abuser if they’re toxic, they’re not, they’re never going to be the person you want them to be. Essentially, that person is dead to you. So that’s one way to help you kind of start working through that. Write and burn letters! Write a goodbye letter. Dear Mom, the good may or may not have been any, you know, I can think of a very few things that are good about my dad. He gave me a love of history, you know, okay, here’s the good dad gave me a love of history. That’s great. You know, you did you know make us tour of the United States every summer. That’s also great. Here’s the bad and then it was like, you know, an entire book worth, you know, so you do the good, the bad, the ugly, the horrific, the unforgivable. And at the very, very end, you take your power back. You may have given birth to me, mom, but guess what, I’m going to reraise myself. I’m going to love myself the way I should have been loved. I’m going to validate myself the way I should have been validated. I’m going to be kind to myself the way I should have been kind to. And you do not get to live rent free in my head. One more moment. Goodbye, go pound sand. You’re dead to me. You are dead to me. How dare you treat me the way you did. I’m taking my power back. You don’t get to live in my head. I’m evicting you. Goodbye. Trot it out to the barbecue. Read it now. By once, burn it, or if you want the sensation of having mailed it, mail it back to yourself, do not send it. Do not send it nothing good ever comes out of that. So, yeah, it does get easier over time. Don’t feel guilty, I know you’re going to and that’s okay. Um

So minimizing so how do I break the I’m so mean, I’m a terrible daughter, she wasn’t that abusive. So, here’s the deal.

She was abusive, if you felt she was abusive, she was abusive. There is no, it’s kind of it’s like being sort of pregnant, she was only sort of abusive, no, she was abusive. That’s how you stop that thought. It’s like, Ah, no, she was abusive, let’s, let’s just call it for what it was. That’s why I want you to write it out. So, you can see it. So, you can be like, Whoa, okay, there it is, you know, the guilt is going to pop up. And again, we have this whole societal thing. And this is what Oh, lord. This is what makes me so angry is when people find out that somebody has gone no contact with an abusive parent, they immediately whip out the Honor thy mother and father, and the very next line is parents do not bring your children to anger. It’s a two-way street, even in the Bible. So, and they’re flying monkeys, if they’re telling you are demanding that you be in a relationship with a parent, that’s abusive, they’re a flying monkey, they’re showing you who they are. They’re aligning themselves with the aggressor. Give them the middle finger, and tell them goodbye. Bye. Bye now, buh bye. And you cut them off too? So yeah, there’s that like a little angry about people to do that. Because, you know, try to make people feel guilty for going no contact with an abusive parent. So, don’t minimize, we have a tendency to minimize we do. Because that’s a that’s a defense thing. It’s kind of like well it wasn’t that bad. Well, other families… No, this is not a competition. This is not about other families. It’s about what you went through. So don’t minimize it. Do not! Get with a good therapist work on that. Okay.

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I’m an adult. My mom hates my dad and uses me as her therapist. Oh, my God. Okay. My mom did the same thing. I’m so sorry. I am so sorry. I went through the same thing. How to screw up your kid and two easy steps. Make them your therapist. Yeah. Um, one easy step. So, what you’re going to have to do is draw boundaries, your mom is not going to like that. My mom did not like that. And she tried to guilt trip me. I don’t know how old you are. But if you’re an adult, you’re just going to have to tell her No, Mom, I don’t want to hear this. You need a therapist to talk to, not me, I can’t handle it. Not my job.

Now she’s going to see that as a betrayal if she’s disordered, if she’s disordered, she’s going to see it as a betrayal. She’s going to see it as that you’re not on her side, etc., etc., etc. And you have to be very clear. It’s like I am not taking sides on this. This is between you and Dad; you need a therapist. I can’t handle this.

Now, if you’re a minor, living at home, and they’re using you as a therapist, as my mom did with me, I was a minor when she did this. I did start standing up to her and saying I can’t deal with this. I can’t I mean, I was freaking suicidal when I was a teenager because my parents were crazy. So, you know what I’m saying? So, you just keep saying no, and you just know not listening. Thank you very much, and not my problem. Go get a therapist do you see where I’m going with that. So, you’re just going to have to keep saying no and drawing boundaries, whether you’re an adult or whether your kids just keep saying no and drawing boundaries, no and drawing boundaries. I can’t hear this. Talk to some therapist. I’m not listening to this. You know, and if she gets butthurt and tries to take it off, or well, you’re siding with your dad, this has nothing to do with dad. I can’t handle this. This is damaging me stop. So that’s how I would help a lot. That’s how I did handle out and demand that she go see a therapist and don’t listen to her. Just keep saying no.

Okay. My family wants me to stop therapy because I’ve gone low to no contact with them. Good for you. And they’re telling me that my getting healthy is tearing the family apart. Holy. Oh, jump back. Okay. You’re getting healthy is tearing the family apart? Because it can anybody hear the irony of that? So, what happens in dysfunctional families is when the scapegoat or whoever starts getting healthy. Yes, that dysfunctional family starts scrambling to find another scapegoat and they start turning on each other and it gets ugly. Not your problem. Don’t you dare stop therapy. You just keep going. You get yourself super healthy and whatever happens to them is their problem. It’s their problem. It is not your problem. It is their problem. So, the number of times I’ve had clients that were still heavily connected to the abusive families come in and go, huh? My family wants me to stop there because they say it’s because, well, now they’re all fighting against each other and blah, blah, blah, okay, good. Let them stop having contact with them. You know, you just you just don’t you, you just keep working on you. You just keep getting healthy. That’s beautiful.

So yeah, this is what dysfunctional families do if somebody is getting healthy and drawing boundaries, oh, yeah, the dysfunctional families do not like it, no to low contact, low to no contact is great. No Contact is perfect. So yeah, they won’t like it. Because they’re losing control. They’re losing control. And now they have to find another scapegoat. And now they have to find other forms of entertainment scape goats are the greatest entertainment to these people. peacekeepers are the greatest entertainment to these people because they can throw all their stuff onto them, they can project all their stuff onto and if you’re gone, they have to find somebody else. And, of course, it’s going to cause, you know, a lot of turmoil in the dysfunctional family. Good. You don’t need to deal with it, not your problem. Now, what I’ve seen abusive families do is then use the kids, the other the siblings, and be like, you know, taking it out on one of the younger siblings, and then that older sibling who stepped away and has gotten healthy, then goes, Oh, my God, I need to go back to protect them.

46:16

You can’t hon, again. You’re stepping in to try to save a sibling. And you can’t as long as that sibling is a minor, there is nothing you can do and what they will do is they will then go back to either abusing you, or both of you. So, the best thing you can do to help that sibling is to get the hell away, report appropriately if needed to CPS, DPS, you know, Child Protective Services Department and Children’s Services. They keep changing their names, put lipstick on a pig, it’s still the same thing. You know what I’m saying? I mean, it’s like so report appropriately. And that’s the best way to help them so that when that sibling can leave, you’ve got yourself established that maybe then you can help them. Does that make sense? That’s kind of what my older sister did for me. Okay, hold on. Let’s go to the next question.

Okay, yeah, keep going to therapy, keep going to therapy.

I’ve had trouble with multiple therapists, where they don’t believe that I still don’t understand basic things about being an independent person. Any suggestions? Finding a good therapist? Well, did they ever ask you about your family of origin? Did they ever talk to you about that stuff? So, you know, not understanding basic things. Abusive families don’t teach their kids anything like seriously, like the number of children, adult children now raised by narcissists or neglectful or harmful or hurtful or toxic families that don’t know basic things like dental health care, like not knowing how to brush their teeth, not knowing how to bathe, like, seriously, like, I’m not kidding you. Because what abusers do is they will literally let the kid raise themselves, which I’m just like, Why did you have children? Well, they had children to connect themselves to a supply for 18 years. That’s why they had children. So, they will throw the kid to the wild under the bus and basically let them raise themselves. And so, the kid doesn’t understand dental hygiene. They don’t brush their teeth twice a day and their teeth, are falling out of their head. Because they don’t do good dental hygiene. They don’t brush their teeth. They don’t floss. They don’t know how to bathe. They don’t yeah, yes. Yes, that because the narcissistic parent basically expects the kid to raise themselves, they basically expect the kid to figure it all out on their own. The kid needs to be taught that that’s what being a parent is, is you are a teacher. Hello. You’re teaching the child how to in this world, you’re handing them tools, and abusive parents don’t do that. So, if that is your situation, you need to get with a good therapist that understands trauma, understands narcissistic abuse, and understands that narcissistic parents if there’s two narcissists, together which can happen. Or if there’s two disordered people together, they will throw the kid in the room and expect them to raise themselves and not give them tools like dental hygiene, washing themselves, how to balance a bank account, how to you know how to do a job interview, how to write a resume, how to drive a car. Oh, Lord, that’s one of the big ones. Oh, I don’t want my son or daughter driving. No, no, I don’t want driving so they don’t ever let them drive. Why? Because then they can’t get in the car and drive the hell away from them. That’s why so yeah, it’s really it’s really important to get with somebody who understands Yeah, these people have hobbled a lot of their kids in a lot of different ways, some more severely than others. So

50:00

For me, personally, I always the hygiene I had down. But the social stuff, I didn’t always have down, you know, because they were crazy. And they didn’t know how to socialize, and they didn’t know how to behave, and they didn’t know how to, you know, fill in the blanks. So, um, so yeah, so you want to get with somebody who is a good trauma therapist that understands narcissistic abuse and understands the ways that these bio parents because they’re not parents, they’re not teaching us anything. Hobble they’re kids. And like I said, that can be anything from hygiene to driving to social to balancing a bank account, to whatever so yeah, and you just, you know, find somebody who’s a good trauma therapist, a good trauma therapist should understand that. Okay.

All right. Let’s see, um, doo doo doo doo. doo. And you just want to ask them a bunch of questions. You just want to you know; do you understand trauma? Do you understand narcissistic abuse? Do you understand? And if they don’t, don’t go to what you want to find a trauma therapist that gets it.

Okay, in a semi-grieving process with my dog right now, since he’s been diagnosed with cancer, Oh, honey, I’m sorry. Oh, difficulty imagining life without him until it happens. Going back and forth between a form of acceptance and denial. That’s normal. That is totally normal. What happens? It’ll have to be okay. Uh, whatever happens, it will have to be okay. But how do I accept it and cope with trying to save my dog? I’m sorry, I’m going to tear up.

So, you guys know that I’m a total dog lover, I’ve had dogs my entire life. And in March, our Scotty passed, he had cancer. And we knew it was inevitable, we knew he was going to, he was going to die at some point. And he started getting worse, you know, he got these tumors on his back and on his butt you know, things like that. And we basically just decided that we were going to make the best for him in his final months, you know.

And he did great. I mean, he literally was so funny. It’s like, he did really great up until like, the last week or so. And then he kind of lost control of his bowels. And that’s when he went, Okay. Quality of life for him is now going he’s having a harder time standing up. The tumors are bleeding. He’s losing control of his bowels, okay. And we, accepting it as hard. It is, there are babies, there are babies, they’re just, I’m sorry.

So, balancing between acceptance and denial is normal. That’s exactly what John and I did. You know, it was kind of like always doing better, you know, that kind of thing. And he would for a while, and then he would have bad days and, and things like that. So, it’s… mortality is hard. Mortality is hard. Because when our loved ones die, dogs, family, friends, it brings the reality of our own mortality home to us. And for our pets, which are our family, as far as I’m concerned. I mean, they’re, they’re my kids. You’d make it as comfortable and wonderful as possible. And when the quality of life is gone, that’s when you let them go. You know, when they’re no longer enjoying it, when they are no longer, you know, peppy? And you know, and especially if they’ve got cancer, and they’re in pain, the quality of life goes, you let them go. And it’s hard. It is so hard. When our vet, we had a wonderful vet that came to the house, and that’s the only way I would do it because then you didn’t have the terror of having to lift them up and take him in the car to the vet. The vet came out. We fed him his favorite meal, which was

A cheeseburger and french fries. That’s his favorite treat. And, you know, we just let them know we loved him, and she administered the shots and went really peacefully. And I still miss him. I still miss him. He was a little stinker. But of all of our dogs. I got to tell you, Scotty was the most difficult and he lived the longest, which actually took like, what are you doing, God? But he was he had a lot of behavioral issues. We found him he was a stray. You had a lot of behavioral issues. He managed to bike all of us in the family.

54:52

He was a challenge. And he was a really good dog and when he was good, he was great at when he was having a moment he wasn’t. But, you know, a lot of people would have probably given him up or abandoned him. And my attitude is, is when you take on a dog you take on the dog behavioral issues and all. So, um, and people always laugh. They’re like, you’re a therapist, and you have a dog. That’s crazy. And I’m like, whoa, yeah, it kind of makes sense. So, accepting, and denial, it’s part of the grieving process. So, there’s the five stages of grief, and they’re not linear.

Because there would be some days when I’d be like, okay with it, and other days when I’d be like, Oh, no. bargaining. So, there’s like, acceptance, denial, shock, bargaining. Anger. Yeah. So, you kind of flip back and forth between those. And it’s not linear. It’s more like, yeah, you know, and up that way. So, losing a dog is really hard, because they’re dependent on us. And it’s just like I said, it’s like, you just enjoy them. And until their quality of life has gone, and then when their quality of life has gone, then you do the right thing, and you let them go. And you grieve, and you grieve. And like I said, there are still I mean, John and I, what were we doing the other day, we were walking, and we saw something, and we were like, oh Scotty would really love that. Or, you know, Scotty, would you know whatever Kyle would or, you know, one of the other dogs that we’d had over the years. And so, you’re always going to love them, and you’re always going to miss them. And it’s normal. It’s normal. And I swear to God, when two people are like, Oh, it’s just a dog. Why are you grieving over a dog. This was my child. I don’t have kids, I got dogs, you know. So don’t let anybody shame you for grieving over a dog. Don’t ever let anybody shame you for grieving over any life that is lost. You know, life is beautiful. And dogs are beautiful, and they’re wonderful. And they’re so loving, and they’re so unconditional. That’s the thing that I love the most about them is that if you want to see unconditional love, get a dog. Seriously. So, you’re not wrong, sweetie. And it’s, it’s hard. Losing a dog is really hard. And I’m really sorry. And cancer is hard because it’s not fair. You will be okay.

So right now, just know that you are doing the best you can for your pup, and there’s going to be good days and there’s going to be bad days. And you know, the cancer is eventually going to, unfortunately

make him go or her go over the rainbow bridge.

And you just grieve, and you just acknowledge it, but you enjoy them while they’re here. So just, you know, take them out for walks, feed them their favorite treats, you know, just enjoy them while they’re here and just allow just allow whatever emotion comes up, even the anger, you know, occasionally I would get mad at God. It’s like, Why? Why are all these horrible?

57:48

People allowed to live these amazingly long lives and dogs get to be here for 15 If you’re lucky if no

one is up. So yeah, just allow. Just allow, just allow, just allow, it’s okay. It’s totally okay. And again, I am so sorry about your puppy. I’m sorry that that really sucks. I’m sorry that it is hard to imagining life without them. And then one other bit of advice I would give you is allow yourself to grieve because John and I were not ready to adopt until recently now we’re kind of kind of going okay. I think we’re ready. It’s been what is it nine months or so? And we miss having a dog we do we miss it for two reasons. One, the dogs were always great at making us get out and walk three times a day, get out and walk you know, and to I miss coming home to a dog, you know, it’s like that unconditional love. Just go for a walk, you know, that kind of thing. So, give yourself time to grieve. Give yourself time to grieve. A lot of people are like, oh, get a dog immediately. And I’m like, no, I can’t I just I need to grieve. So, allow yourself, allow yourself to grieve. Okay, one more question, then I think we’re done.

Okay. How do you prove to yourself that it’s okay to be successful? Okay, so what you’re going to do is mirror work, you’re going to do mirror work, so it’s not proving It’s believing! I know. So, think about it. If we if you tell a kid often enough that they’re stupid, the kid is going to start acting stupid. If you tell a kid often enough that they don’t deserve success or they have no worth or whatever. We’re going to grow up believing that we don’t deserve success and we have no worth. So, work the self-esteem workbook like nobody’s business. Glen Schiraldi the self-esteem workbook, there is a section in there on your value and your worth. Do you understand you have value and worth worth on that? Because that’s all interconnected with being successful because being successful and having value and worth all kinds of one, you know what I’m saying? So do me your work. Hi. Good to see you. Have a great day. I guess

give you permission to be successful, and then walk out and do that every damn day, seriously. And then at night, you’re going to do the same thing, a little bit of a twist. Hey, good to see you again, here are three things you did right today, or here are three things you were successful at today. And you remind yourself, and then hey, you know what? It’s okay for you to go to bed. It’s okay for you to sleep well have a great night, go to bed. Do you see where I’m going with that? So that’s what you want to do. It’s not about proving to yourself; it’s about really allowing yourself and really recognizing your own worth. Okay. And in the last half of this, I’m starting my second semester in college, congratulations. And I’m constantly having panic attacks because I’m doing well. Oh my god, I’m so proud of you. That is freaking awesome. Not that you’re having the panic attacks, but you’re doing well. That’s awesome. The self-sabotage hits hard. So, what you’re going to want to do is you’re going to want to do a challenge letter.

Who told you it wasn’t okay to be successful? Who told you wasn’t okay to enjoy college? Who told you? It wasn’t, okay? Dear, whoever it was, your mom, your dad, your grandparents do whatever. Bleep the bleep bleep bleep out a bleeping middle finger to you. Thank you very much. I get to be successful. Why? Because I say so.

It’s okay for me to enjoy college. It’s okay for me to be successful. I do not need to self-sabotage. You taught me all of this…I’m putting it back on you CPTSD from surviving to thriving P Walker. The self-esteem workbook Glen Schiraldi. Absolutely. Write and burn challenge letters to this. You have the right to be successful. And you can tell yourself that in the mirror, I have the right to be successful. It’s okay for me to be successful. So that’s what I want you to do. Oh, my goodness. Thank you. So yeah, it’s challenging those mistaken thoughts. So, CBT, right? Cognitive behavioral therapy, challenging the mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs, this is a mistaken thought. This is a mistaken belief. This isn’t even your thought. This is theirs. Put it back on it, put it back on, it’s not yours. I have the right to be successful. And guys, I’ve had to do that my entire life because I’ve had to undo all of the BS that my mom and dad gave me. I have the right to be successful. I have the right to not feel shame all the time. I have the right to fill in the blank. So that’s what you want to do get with a good therapist. You know, there should be therapists available on the college campus. Work on self-esteem, get the Schiraldi book work on that. It can only help. So yeah, and it’s challenging those mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs, and then putting them to bed. So, there it is. Alright, my loves, you guys. Go have a great week and I will talk to you later. Bye.

1:02:58

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. Ph.D. level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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