Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

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01:01

Okay, current events. All right. In the last week or so, there have been more shootings and more stabbings. And so there was the Club Q shootings, there was the Walmart shootings, and there was the Idaho stabbings of the four students. And again, guys, it’s not the weapon, it’s the mental health. I cannot stress this enough. Healthy, sane people thinking clearly do not act on murderous impulses. Let me just say that, again, healthy, sane people do not act on murderous impulses. Have there been times when you’re just like, why I ought to… Yeah, I’m sure there have been, but you don’t act on them. You know what I’m saying? So again, it’s not the weapons, if somebody is determined to kill, they will find whatever they can find machetes, knives, poison, you name it. It’s not the weapons, it is the mental health we this country, Sweet baby Jesus needs mental health reform like nobody’s business. It has always been a thing in our country that Oh, my Lord, my hair is going everywhere. It has always been a thing in our country that mental health has been stigmatized, like insanely.

So, like, if you had in the old days if you had depression, or anxiety, or anything like that, you were basically thrown into an institution and given shock treatments or cold-water treatments or whatever. And, you know, hidden away from society, children who had autism or mental health issues, or they were slow or whatever, would be shoved into attics and just kind of, you know, oh, we don’t talk about we don’t talk about Bruno, that kind of thing. So, um, mental health needs to be reformed in this country it does. And then of course, I get the opposite, where people are like, oh, well, but you’re bagging on narcissists Damn straight I am, I will never defend an abuser because it’s a choice. They’re choosing to do that. So again, the legal definition of insanity is delusional, not knowing right from wrong. These Jack wagons know right from wrong, and they’re choosing to do wrong. So, getting back to the stigma of mental health, it’s important that we start demanding it; it’s important that we start saying, hey, hello, public health issue because it is when somebody thinks it’s perfectly okay to grab a gun and go into a store, or go into a nightclub, or go into, you know, a rental place with a knife and kill people in their beds. Houston, we got a big problem. We got a big problem. There’s not a day that goes by that there isn’t a story on shootings stabbings. You know, things like that. Runway drivers intentionally trying to commit suicide by cop or trying to commit suicide by driving the wrong way on the freeways that happens in Phoenix. Oh my god. Yeah, so anyway, mental health needs to be addressed in this country. And if it was guys, we would see less of these violent acts, and there wouldn’t be this nonverbal permission for the abusers to abuse. Think about it that way. So, if you want to make a difference get on the horn get on your computer contact your congressman your representative your whoever your town council. It needs to start locally do it to the town council as well. Get a hold of your town council get a hold of your senator your state senator, your federal Senator whatever, get a hold of them and just be like dude, dudette this is a problem. This is a problem, and here’s why it’s a problem, and here’s where we need to fix it. So anyway, there endth the rant that is my news for the week because it’s I, just it makes me angry that these people are slipping through the cracks. And of course, the relatives of the shooter in Colorado, were like, oh, there were no signs hmmm I’m calling BS. You know, so yeah, it these people are slipping through the cracks, and they’re going on to become violent. And it’s a danger to society if you want to look at it that way. It’s a danger to society, walking into a Walmart shooting up your, your coworkers… danger to society. You know, it just, it needs to be addressed. So, there it is. Alright, I’m done. Okay, fine. All right.

05:40

All right. So, moving on. Um, so this week is you are your own hero, you are! Now, something that has been coming up for a lot of my clients over the years, not just recently, but over the years, is this desire or wish to be saved. And totally understandable. You’re in an abusive situation you want the fairy godmother or the knight in shining armor or whatever to come save you, you do, and that… it is very much an inner child thing. So, let’s kind of address what’s going on. And then we’re going to talk about ways you can save yourself because, ultimately, you do save yourself. It’s not somebody else that saves you. It’s you that saves you, and you have the power. It’s kind of like… how to explain. It’s kind of like in The Wizard of Oz, when Glenda looks at Dorothy and says you’ve had the power all along. Of course, at that point, I probably would have throat-punched her, but you know, I mean, it’s like you couldn’t have told me this three and a half hours ago. Um, but you know, you have the power all along. You do. It’s just that we’ve been unempowered, we’ve been disenfranchised, we’ve been, what’s the word I’m looking for? We’ve been, we’ve been lied to by our abusers, no matter who the abuser was, whether that was, you know, boss, or a romantic partner, or family or whatever, and their greatest desire is to kill us, soul death. That’s what they want. They want us dead, dead, dead.

07:12

So, and the way that they do that is that they take away our power and they lie to us. So, when they’re doing the love bombing, right, they’re mirroring us back to them. Okay. So are us back to you know, their Lord. They take our best qualities; they pretend to have them, and they mirror back to us. Okay, that’s the love bombing. And so that’s why we think, oh my gosh, this person is like my other half. Oh my gosh, this person is exactly like me. You know, it’s like, so they mirror the best of us back to ourselves. And, but, and when they start doing the whole what is the word? I’m looking for devalue and discard? They take the best of us, and they start damning us for it. So, let’s say that they loved you for your sense of humor. Suddenly you’re so childish, you’re so this. You’re so that… ba,ba,ba,ba,ba, right? And then, or they loved you for your free spirit or your emotionality, right? That you’re able to feel well, Oh, you’re too sensitive, you’re too this or to that. Well, then we start believing, um, we start believing them. And we start believing that we are all of the horrible things that they are saying, that is a soul death. So, they are projecting their stuff on to us. It is not us.

So how do we save ourselves? First of all, you’ve got to recognize you’re in an abusive relationship. This… if anyone, I don’t care who the hell they think they are, starts telling you that all the things they loved about you are suddenly now not okay. Oh, Houston, there is a problem. If they start saying things like, you know, You’re too sensitive. You’re too this, you’re too that there’s a problem. And it’s them. I can’t remember what song I was listening to. I think it was Ava max. And she was talking about how you might as well look in the mirror and point a little finger at yourself because maybe you’re the problem talking about them. And it’s so funny because so many of us think that we’re the problem. And we’re not. They are the problem. healthy, normal people again, do not seek to destroy other people. If they’re not getting along. If the relationship isn’t working out. You have the hard talk; hey, this isn’t working out. You know, I wish you the best good luck. God bless, and you part company, and you don’t have any more to do with each other. With a narcissist. They continually sail back in and sail back in and sail back in, and it’s so hard to heal when you’re still in the environment in which you are being damaged. So, I wanted to talk about ways in which to save yourself

10:00

So Okay, first of all is acknowledging that you’re in an abusive relationship. Second of all, is not acknowledging it’s not you, it’s them. It really honest to God is! Healthy, normal people don’t seek to destroy other people, we just don’t. It’s like, it’s not like competition people, I want everybody to win, you know, that they’re very much in a competition, they’re very much into put downs, harm, hurt, etc, etc, etc.

Okay, so let’s talk about 19 critical ways to save you. And this is by Leon Seltzer PhD. Okay, so he talks about, stop assuming the past dysfunctional programming, from your family represents who you really are. And that’s huge. So, number one is recognizing Yeah, we’re in a dysfunctional relationship. The number two thing is, especially if it’s coming from a family, family of origin. What do families of origin love to do? They love to lie to us. They love to lie to us, and they love to engage in drama and chaos. And something I’ve heard in this was in my own family as well. Oh, all families are dysfunctional? No, they’re not. Oh, all families do this. Oh, all families have drama. Oh, all families. Well, all families may have drama, but they don’t have the entire you know, Vic Old Vic Theatre showing up in the house every single day, you know what I’m saying. So, um, so all families lie, all families cheat, all…. So that is something that abusers say if you hear a blanket statement like that, that is something that they say to get us to normalize the abuse. So, we got to stop normalizing the abuse. And that can be very challenging when we haven’t had role models to show us what healthy is. So, my thing is find role models, whether they’re in reality, or if they’re on a movie, or a book, or somebody that you admire, you know, it’s like, look for healthier role models, until you can surround yourself with healthy people. So okay, so you are not doomed to be whoever your family said you are. And, and this is one of the ways that we save ourselves is that we recognize the lie now when we start recognizing the lie. That is when the abusers really go after us and really do the whole scapegoat thing, and how dare you see the pink elephant and I don’t want you to see the pink elephant and go back to your role. They want us in those neat little boxes that they can manipulate, control, etc, etc.

So, we also get stuck with… our family does a lot of sabotaging and they do the whole well, you can’t do that. You can’t become a teacher; you can’t do that. You know you can’t go to college, you can’t, you know, whatever it is you want to become a mechanic, you can’t do whatever it is you want to do. They put limitations on his romantic partners, we’ll do that as well. You know, if you suddenly if you’re with an abuser, and you suddenly decide you want to better yourself, and you want to do something different, and you want to maybe go to college or take up a trade or, you know, do something, you know, go socialize or do so. Oh, you can’t do that. Oh, you’re not; you’re not meant for that. You’re not good at it. Right? I’ll tell you what. The second somebody tells me I can’t do something. That’s when the middle fingers come flying out. And I go try it. Absolutely separate bungee jumping. I won’t. Or parachuting. I don’t see the point in jumping out of a perfectly good plane. But anyway, the point being is if somebody says, you know, you can’t, you got to, you got to serve Lea, wait a minute, I can they don’t want me to let’s call it what it is, right? I can do this. They just don’t want me to. Hmm. Interesting. Why? What is up with that? Right? So, you start questioning all of the cans and shouldn’t and, you know, things like that. It’s like, were they being said out of concern? Or were they being said out of I want to keep you in your nice neat little box that I can control. So that is something to think about. So, we do get these self-defeating thoughts, but they come directly from the family of origin. Oh, I can’t do that. Oh, I can’t do that. No, stop. This is not about them. It is now about you. What do you want? What do you want? Not what they want. Not what makes them comfortable? Because, remember, growth is uncomfortable. It is. When you’re learning something new, you’re doing something new, you’re going somewhere new. It’s always uncomfortable, and what do abusers hate more than anything else change and what do they really hate is you growing, so they will do anything they can to keep you stuck.

So, are you stopping yourself by just repeating the can’ts and shouldn’ts? Right, so it’s kind of the flip side of perfectionism, so the perfection is it perfectionism is I have to be perfect. This one is don’t even try, right? So, you want to get rid of both of those. You want to get rid of both of those because the perfectionism stops us but also, you can’t even try stops us. So, this is where we come in and save ourselves by getting rid of the you can’t you shouldn’t the fear, it’s a lot of fear. And it’s not even ours. It’s not even ours.

Okay, hold on. break free of your belittling habits of self-criticism, this is another way to save yourself. So, our abusers not only tell us you can’t ,you can’t, you can’t, you can’t or you shouldn’t, you shouldn’t, you shouldn’t, you shouldn’t. They will then sit there and tell us we’re stupid. That were you know, not you know, you physically can’t do that; you’re a guy or you’re a girl, you shouldn’t do that. Oh my god. Yeah, the gender stuff just drives me crazy. Oh, well, you’re a guy. So, you can’t become a therapist. What? No, therapy needs more men. Thank you very much. You know, or you’re a woman, you can’t become an astronaut. You know, I got that when I was growing up because I grew up in the 60s and 70s. So, it was this whole, you know, you can’t do it because of your sex, or you can’t do it because, you know, you’re not whatever. So, they’re talking about themselves when abusers predict your doom. They are speaking of themselves? They are they absolutely would anyone predict your do; they are talking about their experience and them and their limitations, and their BS going off in their heads has nothing to do with you. But as kids and as a romantic partners, or as maybe an employee, if we haven’t done the work on self-esteem and really gotten a strong grasp of who we are, we tend to believe them. Because either they’re adults, they’re our parents, or they’re an authority figure, or they’re our romantic partner, and we’ve trusted them, and we believe what they say. So, it’s really going to be a lot of challenging, challenging the thoughts challenging what’s being said to you? Is this me, or is this them, kind of thing. And it’s much easier to do. Again, once you’re out of the abusive situation, if you’re still in the abuse, you still got the abuse incoming. And you’re trying to challenge it and tread water and keep your nose above water and keep who you are. And what they want to do is they want to push your head under and make you drown, so you don’t know who you are.

So okay, so getting rid of the inner critic. Really, really important, getting rid of the criticism, getting rid of the, you know, not good enough. So that is what they excel in is nothing we do is good enough. And we integrate that inner critic into our heads, and oh my gosh, that person who told us that, just it just flies out. So, it’s really important to challenge what is being said a challenge. Who is saying it? What is their game? What do they want? When you’re away from the relationship, it’s a lot easier to kind of see the forest through the trees kind of thing. Because if you’re in the middle of it, it’s all… they like to throw so much at the wall to see what will stick, and it gets confusing. And that’s why we get the fog. That’s why we get the cognitive dissonance, and all of the best advice I can give is get the hell out. Get the hell out no matter what situation you are in, if it’s an abusive boss if it’s an abusive family if it’s an abusive relationship. Get the hell out, get some space, get some distance, because then you’re going to start seeing all this stuff, and it’s going to be like glaring, it’s kind of like what’s something has been seen it cannot be unseen kind of thing. And I want to give some comfort, too because it takes on average seven times leaving for it to stick, so do not beat yourself up. If you’ve left and then gone back and then left and then gone back. Because for some reason, it takes about seven times before our brains finally go click click, click, click, click Oh, you know, and oh, I need to get out, and I need to stay out. So. So there is that okay, so inner critic has got to be kiboshed. It’s got to be. It’s got to be taken care of it’s got to be put away.

19:2

It’s got to be done with it’s got to be dealt with. So Inner Child Workbook by Catherine Taylor is going to be huge or the Inner Child Workbook by Lucia Cappacchione in dealing with this particular stuff.

Again, you’re saving yourself you’re doing the work. Even if you cannot afford a therapist, get those books, start working them, you know, and then when you can afford a therapist, then you’re going to want to get a therapist and start working on that. And the Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. He has a whole section in there on your self-worth what is your worth? Do you understand you have value and worth just doing nothing because especially narcissistic families love to do that whole will you only worth something if you’re working or if you’re producing or if you’re you know, you have value and worth just sitting here you have value and worth. And I know a lot of people are like, no I don’t Self-Esteem Workbook, mirror work. Hi, good to see you have a great day, I give you permission to tell that inner critic to go pound sand and challenge it to wait, you know, that kind of thing. So, I want you to work on that. Okay?

20:29

No, no more putting yourself down. No more self-criticism, catch yourself when you’re doing that. That is how you save yourself. Because you want that inner critic to become the inner cheerleader. So instead of not getting a negative, negative, you want it to be like, Hey, good job. I like you. Yep, you look good. Keep going. You know, that’s what you want. And eventually, you do that enough, the inner critic shuts the hell up. And if it does pop up, it’s so clear. It’s like, whoa, haven’t heard that in a long time. Thanks for playing. Bye, bye. Do you see where I’m going with that?

So, okay. Reassess your assumptions about how the world operates. And consequently, how you need to function in it. Oh, Kay. So, this is going to be dealing with fight-flight freeze or fawn, it’s going to be dealing with what we tell ourselves about who we are in this world.

21:25

And it’s going to be dealing with changing how we relate to other people; it also has to do with trust. So, when we come from an abusive relationship, we have a lot of mistaken thoughts, a lot of mistaken beliefs about how the world really is okay. So, if we have a controlling family that is filled our heads full of nonsense that the world is absolutely not safe, and you can’t go anywhere, and you can’t do this, and no, no, no, no, no, you know, that kind of thing. We’re going to go out into the world being terrified, right? Well, is the world dangerous? Yeah, can be absolutely. And however, if you use a little bit of common sense, you can pretty much stay fairly safe, you know what I’m saying? So, you know, it’s just a matter of dealing with the irrational thoughts. So, again, Glenn Schiraldi, in his book, what are your automatic thoughts? What are you telling yourself on a daily basis about yourself, about the world, about, you know, who you are, what you want, you know, what are those automatic thoughts, and what’s the rational challenge to them, that’s what you want to do. So, um, so it’s, it’s working on those assumptions.

Now, trust, we’re not going to have a lot of trust coming into freedom from an abusive relationship because what we’ve known is family of origin and or abusive, romantic relationship. And so that trust is going to need to be worked on, but the first person you need to start trusting is yourself. It’s your gut. Trust your gut, do not listen to the head and the heart. The head and the heart tell stories all the time. The gut will never steer you wrong. So, you got to start working on trusting your gut instinct, you know, that little feeling where you’re like, oh, I shouldn’t go down that roadway right now. Trust it, even though it feels weird and irrational. Trust it. I can’t tell you the number of times where it’s like, I was going to turn onto a freeway, and I was like, no, I’m going to take surface streets, and then I find out there was a huge accident. So, trust that little, you know, oh, you know, that little feeling of maybe I shouldn’t do that. Trust it. It does not lie to you. The head and the heart lie. They tell stories that the gut never does. Listen to your gut. It’ll be your best friend.

Okay, so reassess the assumptions of how the world operates. The world is not always kind, for sure. But it’s always it’s not also always evil either. It’s kind of like, you’ve got to realize everybody’s different. But remember, when we’re dealing with a narcissist, everyone has to be the same. So, it’s challenging all of those thoughts. So, in a, in a narcissistic family unit, if anyone disagrees, oh my god, it’s World War three. How dare you think differently for me? How dare you do things differently? How dare you….ba,ba,ba,ba,ba. So, it’s, it’s really starting to challenge that? Do I really have to think like everybody else? How about I think for myself, there we go. How about I go do my own thing? How about I go explore something I’ve never explored before, you know, so it’s going to be really doing that, um, it’s really essential to reconsider what once felt threatening, fearsome or overwhelming because of our family of origin or because of that romantic relationship. So, baby steps, you’re not going to challenge. You’re not going to, you know, like, overcome all of them in a day. But pick one, pick one thing and do that. So, for example, when I went backpacking as a teenager through, well as a young adult, through Europe, I decided I wanted to go to East Berlin. Now, this is when the wall was still up. And it was still a communist country and the whole thing. And, of course, the last thing my mom said to me before I left was don’t go to any communist countries, I crossed my fingers and went “uh huh”.

25:17

And then as soon as I got over there, it was like, train schedule. Oh, look, Berlin, fabulous. And I went, and it was great. I’m glad I did it, you know, I’m so, and it was terrifying. I got to tell you, it was terrifying because it was like, I’m going against everything that mom and dad said, and, you know, the whole thing. And it was very rewarding that I did. And that was kind of like that first little taste of success, challenging their mistaken thoughts. And it was just it just snowballed from there. So, you know, so baby steps, though, pick one, don’t try to do all of them at once, because it’s going to overwhelm you. Okay?

Stop putting yourself under constant pressure to perform. So, honestly, in a lot of narcissistic families, it’s like, you better make me look good. That was my dad. You better, Lord, get a good-paying job and take care of us or marry a doctor. Dear Lord, you know, or, you know, things like that, you know? And it’s like, no, I’m sorry, no, I’m, or you better become a lawyer. Okay, so that was another thing. There were eight generations of lawyers in my family. My father, you know, wanted somebody to take it over. But he didn’t have anyone to take it over. And so, he was always pushing to have somebody carry on the name and the law and the firm and the way, you know, and it’s like, no, sorry, nobody’s interested, we see how miserable you are. So no, thank you. You know, so, and of course, he was sexist and misogynistic and everything else. And he didn’t want females being a lawyer. And he put down my brother so hard, I don’t think my brother could have done it, even if he could have wanted to be a lawyer. So, um, you know, so it’s like, it’s not okay, in narcissistic families to, you know, have your own wants, your own needs, your own desires, your own. They want everybody, again, to fit in that neat little box. So, you’ve got to start really challenging that.

Okay, um, are you your own super harsh taskmaster? Or drill sergeant? Yeah, absolutely. Because narcissists do not ever want us to relax, or rest or be satisfied, because they’re not, they can’t stand it when they see somebody relaxing or being satisfied or happy. They can’t stand it because they can’t feel it, and they can’t do it themselves. So, it’s constant, you know, and we internalize this, you know, taskmaster, drill sergeant, do this now. It’s got to be perfect. I’ve got to clean. I’ve got to, you know, I have this list of 20 things I need to do. And if I don’t do all of them, I’m a horrible person stop. If you do one of them, you’re great. If you do none of them, you’re great. Seriously. So, start working on that, sending that taskmaster, that drill sergeant, tell them to go pound sand. It’s not you, it’s them. Save yourself. This is not even your stuff. And a lot of people, when they come out of the relationships or out of the family of origin, they’re like, oh, no, this is something I’ve always done. I’m like, you popped out of your womb being a taskmaster. I don’t think so. No, you didn’t. This was learned this is a learned behavior. So, if it can be learned, he can be unlearned and replaced with healthier behavior. So, start working on that. Hang on.

Give up extravagant longings and grandiose aspirations that cannot do anything and ensure defeat, okay.

28:48

Abusers set up their kids to fail. They do 110%. So, if you judge a fish by will how well it climbs a tree, it will always fail. And that is what abusers do to their kid. They make sure that they push them to do the very thing that they’re not suited for. So, in this happened in my family, as well with the whole lawyer thing, right, my brother, amazing mechanic, he could, he’s a MacGyver, he could fix anything seriously. But my dad was always like, academic, academic, academic, academic. And so, the kid never was good enough. And in fact, when my dad died, that’s the one thing that my brother said is that you know, its game overall. Now he’ll know I’ll never get his approval, you know, and it was true, you know, no matter how hard that kid tried, even though he’s my older brother, no matter how hard that kid tried, he was never good enough, ever. So, they set us up for failure. So, be aware of what is your aspiration. And what is their aspiration? And does it fit you? Is this really what you want? Is this really what you want to do? Now, my dad tried to push me into becoming a hairdresser. And a secretary, you know, it was like, Oh, well, that’s all you’re good for. You’re not smart enough to do anything else. Oh my god. So, you know, and it’s like, no, that’s not what I want to do. I’ve got bigger plans than that. Thanks for playing. So, you’ve got to really kind of assess what’s the agenda? What is, what is their game? What do they get out of it by keeping you down? Okay, we’re going to go a little bit over time because I want to make sure to hit all of these.

Contest, the non-deserving beliefs that have prompted you to sabotage yourself to repeatedly snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. So, again, we tend to self-sabotage the cause of the message is that it’s not okay for us to succeed. And where does that come from? Inner Child because the inner child was trying to please the parent that kept wanting us to do whatever they wanted us to do. And if we go to do something else, and we’re successful at it, and we finally find ourselves sabotaging, I can guarantee you it’s the inner child. So, start working on the inner child workbook, get that self-saboteur handled seriously. Okay, hold on.

Put a halt to worrying, ruminating, or catastrophizing. So, you’re not going to put a halt to it. Let me just be clear here. We’re always going to worry, ruminate and catastrophize. But I give your give yourself two minutes to do it and then stop. So, the thoughts going to pop up. So, when the worrying or the ruminating pops up or the catastrophizing. What if? Okay, stop. Thank you. I hear you. I see you. I am not playing with you. You are not coming in for coffee. Good. You’re going to stay for breakfast. No, thank you, Buh bye, go pound sand. What if we’re always living in what if we’re always living in the future? If we’re always living in the future, we are depressed if we’re ruminating, we’re thinking about the past, which cannot be changed. Which means we’re always wait; did I say depressed? Anxious? Sorry, backwards. So, if you’re living in what if it’s anxious, if you’re living in the past, it’s depression. And it’s not in this moment. So that’s another way to save ourselves is to stay in this present moment. You can acknowledge the thought, absolutely. I hear you; I see you what if I hear and I see you regrets and past and things like that, and I’m not playing with you, goodbye. I’m going to stay in the here and the now. I love myself; I’ve done the best I can. And that is it with me good enough. Good enough. So, practice doing that. That is how you save yourself seriously, challenging these thoughts, challenging these thoughts and replacing them with either the logical challenge to them or with the polar opposite of whatever they have said, Okay.

32:42

At every opportunity, seek to prove yourself that you’re safer than you feel. Okay. And this is so true. When we leave an abusive relationship, the world feels incredibly dangerous. So, it and it also feels incredibly lonely because we’re starting to get rid of those toxic friends, those toxic family members, that whole thing. It is safer than it feels it is, and you’re going to have to self-soothe. So that has, again, a lot to do with mirror work Hi, good to see you have a great day. You know what you’re safer than you feel. And it’s okay, then you walk out. So, it’s really parenting, you must become your own parent. You must become that so often not heard soft, wonderful voice that we didn’t get in childhood. So, if we had parents that were harsh, critical, mean, narcissistic, abusive, alcoholic, drug addicts, etc. We didn’t get that soft Hey, it’s okay. Hey, you’re all right. This is It’s okay. You’re safer than you feel. It’s all right. You know that encouragement. So, I encourage you to encourage yourself seriously, it’s like give yourself encouragement. That little inner child needs encouragement. Okay.

And this is for people, whether they’ve been out of the relationship years or if they’ve just left it. We all need to do a check-in and make sure that we’re doing these things to keep ourselves moving forward. All right. Recognize your residual regrets for what they are a mental exercise in futility. We’ve done the best we could forgive yourself. Forgive yourself so Radical Self Forgiveness by Collin Tipping great book. And if you’re having difficulty with difficult people in your lives, Radical Forgiveness also by Collin Tipping, and by no means you don’t need to forgive people. Let me be very clear, but you do need to forgive yourself. But you don’t have to forgive your abuser. You know, it’s a fallacy and a myth to be like, oh, you can’t heal unless you’re forgiving. Where’s my middle finger, seriously? No if you want to great! If you don’t, also great, it’s okay.

34:49

As long as you’re not staying mad at them as a way to keep them close to you, which is what I found. I did it was like this huge amount of anger even though my dad was dead because I wanted to fix so, and for some reason, my little inner child thought if I could just stay mad at him and fix that, then he would be okay. I would be okay. But you know, thankfully, I had a good therapist, and we worked through that. So. So yeah, you don’t have to forgive them if you don’t want to. But also make sure that you’re not holding them to you with the anger trying to fix them. So, there is that. Forgive yourself for the past mistakes or past missteps. We all make mistakes, everybody’s due to stinks. I’ve made mistakes. Other people have made mistakes. I’m sure you’ve made mistakes. Forgive yourself. Make sure it doesn’t happen again. What can you do differently, make amends if you need to, or if you can, and then move on. Forgive yourself. One thing I’ve noticed about all abusers is they are the nastiest, least forgiving, most judgmental, harshest harming people on the face of the planet. And we kind of internalize that. And so, when we make a mistake, it’s like we rub our own noses in it, no, stop. We’re going to make mistakes, mistakes are going to be made, you know, figure out how to do it differently. Make amends where you can move on, forgive yourself.

Reassess your likely exaggerated feelings of guilt. So, one thing that they do, and I love that Kim taught me this one, Bs Fogg blame, shame, fear, obligation and guilt. I am forever going to be using that. So, they make us feel guilty. You know, if we don’t take care of them in old age, what do they do? Oh, you’re horrible son, you’re horrible daughter. And remember, you know, old age homes are filled with collapsing nurses. So, do you have something to feel guilty about? No, you’re under no obligation to take care of somebody who is an abuser and who will blow your home up and disturb your own peace. No. So look at the guilt. But don’t allow it in, you know, is this something I need to feel guilty for? And if I need to feel guilty, is that I need to feel guilty so that this person will forgive me and love me, or do I need to feel guilty because I need to make amends, or do I? Am I just feeling guilty because that’s what I’ve been trained to do my entire life? You mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, my fault, my fault, all my fault. Narcissists love to blame shame, guilt trip the whole thing. So, if it’s a mea culpa thing that’s been learned, you need to unlearn it. It’s like, no, not everything on the face of the planet is my fault. My dad used to tell me if I didn’t finish everything on my plate, it was my fault that there were starving children in China or India or Ethiopia, or wherever was having a drought and starvation at that time. Took me years to figure out that my eating the food was not going to help them. Ah, bad parenting at its finest. So yeah, you want to definitely take a look at the guilt and really work it through. And if you need to write the guilt a go pound sand letter, dear guilt, no more no mas, not going to do it. Thank you for playing bye.

Now. There’s guilt when we do something that needs making amends for, but we know the difference of that if there’s something that we’ve done and we need to make amends. Okay, you make amends, you forgive yourself, and you move on. But if it keeps coming up and keeps coming up and keeps coming up, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, who’s whose is that? Who’s, whose punishment is that it’s not yours? So, take a look at that. Okay, we’ve gone over time, but I’m going to keep going because I want to get this done. Okay, um, Let go of any longstanding anger and resentment I talked about that. Examine the rationality of your issues relating to trust talked about that. So, we do have a reason to not trust and it’s going to be a matter of boundaries. So, the disease please by Harry Braiker, other books on boundaries, I would recommend reading them once our boundaries are tight, then, you know, we have our list of deal breakers and if somebody crosses that, okay, they’re not they’re not trustworthy, you push them out of your life. So, but if they’re not breaking into the deal breakers and they’re respecting your boundaries, then you’re probably okay. So, but that does not mean your guard is not always going to be up Yeah, your guards probably always going to be up because what is one of the signs of PTSD, CPTSD is hyper vigilance. So yeah, it’s a work in progress. That’s really what it is. Don’t blame or shame yourself for your not yet overcome addictive habits. Well, okay.

39:29

I myself drank too much because my family hello and of course, I come from a long line of alcoholics. Thank you very much. So instead of beating yourself up, take a look at it. You know, if you come from a narcissistic family and abusive family, we’re trying to numb ourselves now that does not give you carte blanche to go out and keep using let me be clear, so but it is kind of like Uh huh. How much am I drinking? How much am I smoking? How much am I, you know, numbing myself artificially? What am I doing? Or maybe, you know, even just, you know, checking out and not really dealing with reality, get with a good therapist, don’t beat yourself up, but also don’t continue to do self-harm. Does that make sense? And we do. A lot of us come out of these relationships wanting to numb, wanting to numb, or having been numb because it’s just been so awful. So, you know, it’s kind of like, it is as horrible as you thought it was, it was it was as horrible as you thought it was. And it’s okay for you to start working on becoming clean and sober. And it’s okay for you just start dealing with the issues that got you using in the first place. So yeah, absolutely. I think a lot of times when people come out of abusive relationships, and they have an alcohol issue, or drug issue, or smoking, or vaping, or whatever it is they’re doing, it’s self-harming, they beat themselves up on top of that, and then it becomes this, like, this vicious cycle, you know, it’s like, well, I’m doing this because of that, and I feel awful because now I’m dealing with it. And now I’m going to go do it again. And it’s kind of like you got to realize, if we are doing things that are self-harming, that is only playing their game, that is only playing their game, the best middle finger you can give to abusers. Get clean, get sober, take good care of yourself, be gentle with you. And don’t beat yourself up. We do not pop out of the womb going gee; I’d really like to be an alcoholic or drug addict. We don’t we become that when life circumstances, such as abuse, make it impossible for us to deal with whatever is going on in that moment. So especially if the abuse is incest or beatings or verbal abuse, or you know, any of that, that’s enough to cause a lot of people to start using. So, it is what it is, get to a meeting, get a sponsor, get clean, get sober, gentle with you. There’s a reason we start using. There’s a reason so especially coming out of abusive relationships. So, all right, there is that!

Um, Stop taking things. So personally take it in, but do not take it on. So, I posted a thing from Brene Brown. And I’m going to have to answer a lot of these questions in the Wednesday because I’m going to go long, sorry. Um, and she talked about, you know, when somebody says something horrible and awful to you about you don’t take it, and you know, cuddle with it and rub it all over you. It’s like, no, it’s like recognize this has nothing to do with you. This has everything to do with them.

42:43

You know, so don’t take it personally. It’s really, It’s discernment. It’s like, is this really about you? Probably not. So, take it in. But don’t take it on, you know, you can play with it. But don’t take it personally. Because abusers will say, the most heinous… some of the things my dad said to me, I’m just like, Are you human? What is going on here? And it was all about him. It wasn’t about me; it was about him.

So, stop comparing yourself to others. This is not a competition, but abusers make it a competition. Everything’s competition. They have to win. They have to be the best or the worst, whatever the most, whatever. And that’s not normal. That’s not normal. So, stop comparing yourself to others. Other people have not had the same experience you have; some people are worse off. Some people are better off. Your experience is unique to you. And it is okay. It’s okay. It’s not a competition. So anytime you hear that, oh, well, but other people had it worse. No, stop. What I had was bad. And it’s my experience. And go pound sand. Thank you. So, there’s that.

Stop sacrificing your integrity, dignity, or pride just to ensure that people will like you. People pleasing. So again, Harriet breaker, the disease to please. So, we do that. We say yes. When we mean no, you know, and we’ve got to learn to start saying yes to ourselves and no to other people. Does that make sense? Appropriately.

44:13

Stop depending on others to calm you down or validate you. So, it is your task to calm yourself down. And to validate yourself. Happiness is an inside job; you’re not going to find it hitting the dating sites. You’re not, and I can’t tell you the number of clients I’ve had over the years that will come out of one of these relationships horrific not dealing with the stuff that’s gone on in the family of origin, not really dealing with what went on with the abuser. And they’re like, I need to get into another relationship. And I’m like, like hell you do. Oh, you’re not whatever you’re looking for out here. You’re not going to find if you cannot find it in here. Let me say that again. Whatever you’re looking for out here, you’re not going to find it until you find it in here. So, it’s an inside job. So, you’ve got to take care of yourself, you’ve got to deal with the family of origin. You’ve got to deal with the abuser. And you’ve got to work on not why it happened. But who, what, when, where, you know, why is never going to be answered. But who, what, when, where, yeah, that will be answered. So that’s what would serve you the most.

Learn to accept every part of you, unflattering warts and all. So, when we are in an abusive relationship with family with the romantic partner, they dearly love to tell us how ugly we are, or point out our flaws or, you know, tell us we’re fat when we’re not. That’s a favorite one. Or tell us we’re, you know, lacking or this or that or whatever. So, accept yourself, love yourself. This amazing body gets us through life. It allows us to experience amazing things and to see amazing things and hear amazing things and go to amazing places and visit with amazing people and, you know, all sorts of cool stuff. So, really, again, to give the middle finger to the abusers, love your body, love yourself. You know, one thing that they love to also do is tell people Oh, well, you know, You’re too sensitive. Love your sensitivity, love your sensitivity. That means you’re human, that means you can feel, and they can’t. Or, you know, you laugh too much. Thank God because if I wasn’t laughing, I’d be crying. So, I’d rather laugh. Thank you. You know, it’s like, enjoy who you are. Because they don’t, they can’t enjoy who they are. And God forbid we enjoy who we are. So, it’s really important for you to really start accepting, accepting, accepting self-acceptance, Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach, you know, Radical Self-Forgiveness, Colin Tipping. This body is amazing. You are amazing. Your mind is amazing. Your humor is amazing. Your ability to love is amazing. Your ability to feel is amazing. So, allow, allow, allow, allow. Okay, now, let’s get to the questions. Okay. To do Sorry, I went a little long, um,

When I try to guide myself to healthy behavior. I don’t believe myself, because I’ve had to play games with myself to get through all of the abuse. How do I start trusting myself? Okay.

47:32

So, trusting yourself, I would say start working on the Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. All the people who know themselves trust themselves. So, when you start realizing who you really are, separate from what the abusers told you, you were, you’re going to start trusting yourself. Because it’s kind of like there’s this, like, disconnect with us, you know, we get out of these relationships. And they’ve told us all of this, but we feel all of that. And these don’t match, but we keep telling ourselves with an inner critic, all the negative stuff. So, it’s really important to start working on the Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, recognize your worth, start really honoring what you want, who you are, what you feel, and do the workbook front to back, take your time, and really chew through it like a gourmet meal don’t blast through. It drives me crazy when people are like, oh, yeah, I finished it. And they’ve had it for a week. I’m like, this is supposed to take at least three to six months. So yeah, take your time, you know, and really work through it. So that’s the way to start learning how to trust yourself as learning who you are. Because we come out of these relationships, whether they’re parental or whether they’re romantic, and we’ve lost who we are we. Who am I? What do I like we’re where am I? What am I doing? Why am I here? Seriously. So, it’s really important to get back to learning who you are, trusting who you are, and then starting to trust others out of that. Okay. Hope that answers the question.

Okay, um, do narc parents hinder their child’s learning? Yes, so they can infantilize the child. Yes. And make them dumb as a way to seek attention for themselves. Absolutely. It’s almost like Munchausen by proxy. So, they got so many of these Jack wagons will claim that their kids have got ADHD or autism or something else, and they start throwing meds at them. Little brains should not have medication unless it’s absolutely necessary until they are in their Ooh, late teens at the earliest. Because the brain is still developing. And they will then point to that, oh, my child is got this disorder or that disorder when in fact, the child doesn’t. They just found a psychiatrist that would prescribe, you know, and now the kid is all jacked up on medications that’s messing with their mind. So, yeah, they absolutely will do that. You betcha. They love to infantilize their children. That is something else I’ve seen. So, it’s they give them this ridiculous, you know, you have to be this academician, which is what my dad did. Or they do the whole dumbing the kid down, not allowing them to be smart, not allowing them to explore, you know, not allowing them to do things for themselves, not teaching them how to cook, or do their own laundry, or, you know, balance a checking account or checking account, you know, what I mean? Debit account, whatever. So, you know what I’m saying? So, it’s like, so they do that, they hobble them, they hobble them so that they’re always dependent on them. So, it looks like this is sort of like this healthy, normal parents want their kids to be on their own feet. Unhealthy parents want their kid leaning on them their whole lives. But then you know what happens if that parent dies, that kid is lost. Like they don’t know how to adult, they don’t know how to function. They don’t know how to socialize, they don’t know how to, and yeah, they absolutely do that. And it’s abuse. It’s absolutely it is absolutely abuse. You betcha.

Okay. Um, how can we let go of the stubborn lingering wish that someone else will save us. okay, that is the inner child.

51:19

And it’s totally normal wish guys totally normally not bad or wrong for that you’re not. So, it’s the inner child. So, the way to let go of it is to start working through the inner child workbook seriously, and re-parenting yourself. Meaning you’re going to start talking to yourself with kindness the way your parents should have. You’re going to give yourself pep talks in the morning. Hi, good to see you have a great day. I give you permission to save yourself. It’s okay, you are your own hero. Go do it. You got this, you know, and then walk out. So, it and then remind yourself at night, same thing you do a daytime, you know, pep talk, and then at night, you do the Hey, good to see you. Again, here are three things I did write today. And you list them off because abusers never tell us what we did, right? And then we learn to sit there at night staring at the ceiling, going, oh my god, I did this wrong. I should have done that. And I could have done that. No. Three things you did right today.

52:15

You know, we’ll have a good night’s sleep tight, love you good night, and then go to bed, you know, the way a good parent would have. So, re-parenting yourself, working on the self-esteem working on the inner child. Having chats with that inner child, you can do guided imagery, speaking to that part of you that wants to be saved. Hey, little one. There’s nobody outside of us. It’s going to save us, but I am here. I’ve got your back. I am going to save us, and here’s what needs to happen. You need to let me be the adult, and I will take care of you to see where I’m going with that. So that should help with that inner child desire to be saved because we all do. We all have that thought, you know. It’s like I used to pretend that my parents were aliens.

53:06

They were just so crazy. Aliens. They were just so crazy. Seriously, and I keep kept thinking it’s like, well, maybe some year they’ll come back from wherever they are outer space, my real parents will come back, and these bozos will go away. You know, and so it is there’s that childish or that not childish, but childlike desire to be saved. We all have it. We all have it, you know, and it’s a matter of talking to that little that little one. Your parents are not aliens. They’re just jerks. And they’re your real parents are the jerks that you’re having to deal with. And you get to save yourself, you know, and it’s okay. You’re safe. And I’ve got you, and I’m right here. So, you talk to your little one as if you were your own parent. Does that make sense? Re-parenting yourself the way you should have been parented. You know, with truth, with love, with kindness, with patience. You know, narcissists are not patient, they’re mean, and they’re like, now now now now now, you know, and again, being rushed and not liking being rushed is a trauma response because almost all of us were rushed or made wrong or whatever. So, there is that. Um, so Inner Child Workbook, either by Lucia Cappacchione or Catherine Taylor, Self-Esteem Workbook, by Glenn Schiraldi, that would be great.

Is it common after lifelong narc abuse that you don’t want others to save you? But instead, you want to do it all yourself and kind of stop relying on others? Yes, that is a trauma response. Absolutely. So, both of these two are trauma responses, wanting to be saved as a trauma response. Get getting the attitude of I’ll do my own damn self. That is also a trauma response. Absolutely. We have an incredibly difficult time asking for help. We do, some of us. Some of us have an incredibly difficult time asking for help. That is a trauma response. So, both of these are trauma responses wanting to be saved as a trauma response. Yes, and I’ll do my own damn self is also a trauma response because we learned quickly that there was not going to be anybody there. Nobody was going to save us. No, nobody was going to do the right thing. You know, my mom knew the abuse was going on. She did nothing, you know. So, it’s like, okay, I’m on my own. Great, fabulous. How do I get out of here? You know, and then you start formulating your escape plan. So yeah, that is absolutely, is absolutely a thing that abusers do is that they create this situation where we either want to be saved, or we absolutely are like, I don’t even myself, I do miles out. So yeah, you’re not wrong, and it is a trauma response. And for those of us that have the whole, you know, I’ll do it my own cell, we have to learn to start asking for help baby steps, like baby steps with somebody we trust. Because otherwise, we’re just going to be like, See, see, see, nobody’s going to help you know, that kind of thing. So, baby steps, get with a good therapist, work on the Self-Esteem Workbook, work on the Inner Child Workbook. All that good stuff. All right. Bye, loves you guys. Have a great week. Take good care of yourselves. Drink plenty of water and stay warm, and I will talk to you next week.

56:16

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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