We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez

12-11-2022 Healing Attachment
In this episode of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez, Kris talks about healing from attachment wounds, and how the parents either actively abused or neglected you as an infant and child. And yes, you CAN heal attachments!

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Hi, guys. So today kind of exciting. We are finally getting another dog. Yay. So, we went through a rescue. And it’s she’s a collie mix. Shirt. We’re naming her Moana Her name was honest. So, I’m naming her Moana. So, we’re doing that. Very excited. Super, super, super excited. We have not had a dog since Scotty passed away in March. So, this is kind of exciting. She’s supposed to get here this afternoon. She’s coming in from the edge of New Mexico, Texas area. So, they’re driving her over, and they’re giving you the updates as she’s coming along. So that’s just I’m so happy. I can’t stand it. Um, but anyway, this leads me into my current events thing.

So, I belong to a bunch of dog groups, because I love dogs. And one of them that I belong to is called Straydar. And so, it posts dogs that are strays that people have found. And they’re taking them to get a microchip check to see if they have an owner and things like that. So, and I don’t know if this is unique to Phoenix, but people tend to dump their dogs in the desert. And you can’t do that. Because here’s the thing, the desert is a hostile environment. I don’t know if you’ve noticed that or not. There’s scorpions, there’s rattlesnakes, there’s coyotes. And there’s the dog fight people that go look for strays in the desert to use the dogs that have been dumped as bait dogs. So, this is a huge problem in the Phoenix area is that they’re constantly people in rescues are always going out into the desert to see if they can find dogs that have been done. Since John and I have lived here, two of our dogs we found because people just dumped them. So, Baba and Scotty, we both found, we took them to the vet, we scan him for chips, try to find the owner posted on all of the you know, pets, 911. And all of the other places and things like that, on no owners ever came forward. So, they became ours, which is great because, hey, more dogs better. So um, anyway, I just want to make people aware dumping the dogs is not always going to end a happy is what I’m basically trying to say. And the only people that dumped dogs like that generally have got a personality disorder, and how I know that is because normal healthy people don’t dump dogs. If you’re going to have to give a dog up, find a rescue, there are rescues for every single breed out there. Okay, find a no-kill shelter more and more than the shelters are becoming no-kill, which is Thank god. Okay, there’s different ways to find a home for your pet that you can no longer take care of. Now I understand financial stuff and things like that. But just dumping a dog, just dumping a cat dumping a tortoise, or dumping it, and that’s a problem too. People just dump pets when they can’t take care of them. And I’m concerned because we’re coming into the Christmas season and what is something that people always buy their kids, a puppy, a kitten, a small tortoise or turtle or a hamster or rat or you know one of those little pets and it’s a lifelong commitment. It is a lifelong commitment, and I get so angry because when we found Scotty, John was out walking Baba, Scotty was running through the green space no collar, no nothing, and walked up to Baba and licked him and that’s how Baba we found Baba had walked up to Kyle our first dog that we got from the Humane Society and looked him, and so we were like, it’s a sign. So, we adopted Scotty after we, you know posted and tried to find the owners and everything else like that. So, you cannot just give an animal for Christmas and expect it to be, you know, disposable. It is, it is a lifelong commitment.

The other thing that I’m seeing a lot of in the street are posts are SR dogs that are being dumped in the shelter because the owners couldn’t handle seeing the dog die of old age or get older or maybe the dog had medical issues or whatever. And again, that screams to be no compassion. How could you, you could no more. If you’ll do it to a dog, you’ll do it to a person. Okay? So, it just be aware, you know, this is a huge issue. If you do see strays, see if you can get them safe. A lot of them. Oh my God, my niece and I were just talking yesterday, she found a pit bull that had been abused and emaciated, starving, and they were able to get it to a no-kill shelter, which was great. So, if you see a stray, here’s what to do. If you can get them, get them to a rescue if you know their breed, or get them to a no-kill shelter, you want to take them to a vet scan them for a chip. But here’s the sad thing. A lot of times what I’m reading on street art, they’re saying, Okay, we scanned the chip, called the number of the person, said they don’t want the dog anymore. I don’t even have words. Why would you go through all the trouble of getting a dog to not keep said dog that makes no sense. So, if you find a dog, a cat that’s obviously being mistreated, or starving or whatever, get it to a vet, scan it for chip. If there’s no chip, and there’s no owner and you’ve posted it on all of the websites, get it to a rescue or get it to a no kill shelter. That is the best thing you can do or keep it if you can, you know, the thing of it is though, is that there’s so many dogs out there, it’s like every day I’m seeing you know, like 35/40 dogs a day on street are and I’m just like there’s no way one person or two people or three people can even take in that many dogs. So just be aware this is a huge problem. And they like I said they dumped the dogs in the desert thinking that you know, oh, they’ll survive their dogs. Coyotes eat dogs, guys, if the dog is smaller than a coyote and even if they’re the same size the gang the pack will gang up on it, wear it out first run it until it’s tire gang up on it and eat it so they don’t understand the way of the world. It is not a Disney film. It is it is ugly. Nature can be very ugly, and coyotes are predators so, much like Narcissists. So anyway, there is that I just wanted to make you guys a public service announcement. If you see a stray, see if you can get them take them in for a scan, get them to a no kill shelter or rescue.

So that’s the best that you can do. Don’t get pets if you’re not planning on taking care of it. Don’t have pets if you’re not planning on being with that pet at the very last moment or oh my god, I’m going to start crying. So, when Scotty died when we had to put Scotty down, we fed him his favorite meal, which was French fries and a cheeseburger from Giant hamburgers. That’s his favorite. And we petted him, and we loved him. And we talked to him all the way through. So, he knew we were with us because when you put pets down, they look for you. Because they’re scared. So, you want to comfort them. So, people who are willing to dump a senior dog because, oh, I can’t deal with the emotional Okay, well, obviously you can’t deal with emotions, period. Because this is part of being human is dealing with death and being there for those that are dying, whether it’s a dog or a human. So anyway, that is my rant for the day. So, if you see a stray, you know what to do, go do it. Go do the right thing. So there that is okay.

Sorry, this is I love dogs. I love cats. I love all animals. I just love them. And it kills me when I see them being mistreated. And again, turning loose. That’s neglect. That’s what narcissists do is neglect. It’s like, okay, I can’t deal with this. I’m going to make it somebody else’s problem. So yeah, there it is. Okay, get myself back together, get myself back together.

Okay. So today, we’re going to talk about attachment. So, attachment is huge. So basically, it’s how our parents, and part of its genetic there’s obviously a genetic component to it too. So, nature nurture. So, what causes one kid to be able to attach better than another genetic component, obviously the eternal question nature, nurture, nature, nurture. So, there is a genetic component to it. Some kids are a little bit more resilient, and others are a little bit more sensitive, and that’s okay.

Kris Godinez  10:02

So, if you’ve got a parent who is abusive neglectful not present, verbally abusive, sexually abusive, mentally abusive, emotionally abusive, totally checked out. It creates an insecure attachment. So, let’s talk about the different attachments so you understand what the heck we’re talking about here. Okay, let me get to attachments.

Okay Attachments are the emotional bonds that are formed between the infant and the caregiver. And it is the means by which the helpless infant gets primary needs met. So, in a healthy attachment, that caregiver is there, you know, like no question like the baby cries, the caregiver comes and changes the diapers or feeds them or comforts them or whatever the child… plays with them, whenever the child is needing at that moment, and that child knows by repeated, you know, crying events that that parent is going to be there to comfort them because that’s crying is the only way they can communicate when they’re that little so and what a lot of abusers do is they do the whole let them cry it out thing Oh, hell no, You never do that with a child because that shows the child that the world is not safe, and nobody is coming to help them. Which is not good because infants are helpless. Like, literally they can’t do it for themselves. They don’t have the cognitive ability; they don’t have the physical ability. So crying is their way of communicating that is a form of communication, and I see abusers use that against the kid and punish them for crying. Can I tell you how much I hate abusers? I really frickin hate them, like, to the core because they go after the most vulnerable, and that’s children. They go after the child. They go after the baby, you know, they get along with kids somewhat, unless they’re really truly psychopathic until they’re about No, no two, three, when the kids start saying no and oh my god, then they hate that kid, or five or six. That’s another stage that kids go through when they’re playing and discovering who they are and drawing boundaries and things like that. So, an abuser will punish the child for normal communication. So crying is a normal form of communication for an infant. So, a healthy attachment is that child cries their needs get met though Mom, Dad caregiver, whoever that is, comes in, meets their needs, changes their diapers, feeds them, plays with them, you know, cuddles them, etc, etc etc. If you’ve got inconsistent like totally mom, dad, you know, were checked out drug addict, abusive whatever, sometimes they would need the need. Sometimes they wouldn’t, sometimes they punish you. Sometimes they wouldn’t. Depending on where they were mentally kind of thing. So that creates an insecure attachment style.

Um, okay, so attachment provides the infant’s first coping system. It is a mental representation of the caregiver in the infant’s mind. One that can be summed up as a comforting mental presence in difficult moments. Attachment allows an infant to separate from the caregiver without distress and to begin exploring the world around him or her. So, this is why you see some kids have a real issue with separation. You know, they don’t feel secure. They feel they’re kind of like, are they coming back? Or are they not? Now, this can happen when and I hate this. In our society, both parents are having to work you get FMLA, but they give you, like, what six weeks off after having a brand-new baby will six weeks is not enough time for that little one to understand. Yeah, you’re going to keep coming back. Yeah, you’re going to keep coming back. Do you see where I’m going with that it just so much in our society needs to change. Oh my god, starting with how much time off parents get to bond with that baby. That is hugely important that time period is really important for that child to understand that that person that caregiver is coming back.

So okay, hold on, hold on. Um, okay, attachments early in life. So, children with a secure attachment may be distressed upon separation, but warmly welcome the caregiver back through eye contact and hug seeking. Okay. So, it’s a secure attachment. They might be distressed when they leave, but they kind of know, okay, they’re coming back. Oh, good. They’re back. Okay, we’re good, you know, and they look at them and they laugh, and they want to hug them and all that sort of good stuff.

Anxious resistant attachment describes a child who is frightened, terrified by separation and continues to display anxious behavior once the caregiver returns because they don’t trust that the caregiver is going to stay or that the caregiver is going to consistent consistently return. There’s no consistency there, and so they don’t trust, and that makes a ton of sense. So, Let’s take this a step further. So, we come into adulthood, and we may have had abusive relationships romantically or with, you know, having a boss that was an abuser or friends that were toxic or whatever. And we start getting healthy, and we go, Oh my God, I don’t trust. This is why this is why. So, this is why I keep saying, the inner child workbook, and I don’t care which author you use, whoever speaks to you the best, I guess, is a good way to put it. So, either the Katherine Taylor one, which is a little bit outdated, because she has you do some like, you know, collages and things like that, and who owns magazines nowadays, seriously, but you know, or I wish they’d updated that would be really cool. Um, or the Cappacchione one where they have you write the child with your nondominant hand and write the adult with the dominant hand. So, it comes at it from two different ways. I like the Catherine Taylor one, because it’s more experiential. It’s more like, imagine holding yourself as a baby, imagine what your garden looks like, as a child, what does that garden look like? Is it barren? Is it a desert? Is it a jungle? What does it look like? So, it’s very. It’s coming at it from two different directions. So, both of them could be good. I do like the Katherine Taylor one a little bit better. But that’s also because I like the experiential stuff. I like Holding, holding yourself as an infant, I like grabbing the applesauce and snaring it in your hair and seeing what comes up, you know? So um, yeah, so anyway, inner child workbook work on the inner child attachment. What was your relationship like, with your parents? Were they there? Were they consistent? Are they loving? Were they kind? Or were they addicts? Were they absent? Were they abusive? Were they just not present? They might have been there physically but were they not there mentally, it really does affect us. And it creates that lack of trust. It does. It’s like It’s deep.

So that lack of trust is deep. So, when I tell people when they’re like, Well, how do I learn to trust again, work on the inner child, please, please, please, please work on the inner child, work on the inner child work on the self-esteem workbook in conjunction with the inner child workbook, because you’re dealing with a bunch of subconscious thoughts that you’re not even aware of, that are running in the background telling you how safe or not the world is. And we tend to make mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs, etc., become somehow factual as opposed to wait a minute here I’m having this thought and I need to challenge it. Where did I get this thought from? And a lot of times, people are like, I don’t know where I got this thought from. I don’t even know. I mean, it’s so kind of foggy. Well, it could be foggy, because it’s been there since you were itty bitty. So, it’s a really good idea. Get with a good trauma therapist, seriously, hand to heart, swear to whatever deity you believe in that’s on the side of good. Get a good trauma therapist, because you’re going to need it; you’re going to need it this trauma, this trauma response. We’re going to talk more about that. So, all of this stuff, all of the trauma responses go back to attachment. They go back to self-esteem, they go back to the inner child. You know, I keep saying that. Everybody’s like, no, that’s too easy. That’s no. It’s got to be more difficult than that. Oh, honey, it’s difficult when you start going through it, trust me because you start feeling all this stuff. I mean, difficult.

Kris Godinez  18:35

I mean, it’s a challenge. It is because you start feeling all of these emotions, and you start having memories. And then you know, it’s kind of like, Oh, my God, but it’s a good thing. It’s a good thing. Don’t freak out. When you start remembering things. That’s what we want. Because then once you drag this stuff into the light, now you can see it. Now you can address it, and you can basically go, ah, I hear you knocking. You can’t come in, I see you, I hear you. You’re full of doodoo. Go pound sand. Buh bye, buh bye now by write when you get work, but do you see where I’m going without? So yeah, it’s really, it’s really, really important to get a good trauma therapist to help you with this. You need somebody who has been there, done that, gets it is able to comfort you through this because this is this is terrifying to a child, inner child, inner child. So, you know, when you’re dealing with all of this attachment stuff, if you need somebody who can be like that, kind of like a substitute parent, a substitute adult. So, you know, a therapist who’s going to be comforting, and there and good boundaries and you know, that kind of thing. So, get with a good trauma therapist. EMDR would be a great way to go. CBT would be a great way to go. You need to confront those mistaken thoughts and those mistaken beliefs about who you are and what is your safety in this world. Okay, hold on more to this. No, that’s not the one I want. Hang on.

Oh, avoidant attachment. So we went through the secure attachment, the anxious resistant attachment. avoidant attachment denotes a child who reacts fairly calmly to a parent separation but does not embrace them upon their return. So, it’s almost as if the kid is kind of like, leave stay. I don’t care, you know. And so, the parent comes back, and instead of being excited, which most kids would be, they’re kind of like, yeah, no, you’re going to leave again. So why do I care? Trauma response, trauma response. So that says to me that that kid has not had consistency in what’s going on in their life. You know, sometimes the parents or sometimes they’re not, they decided what the heck, I’m just going to do it my own damn self, if I could reach the counter,  I’d get my own bottle, you know, I mean, seriously. And I got to tell you guys, and there is such a correlation between the attachment style. And later on, in life, addictions. And in one of my clients said something brilliant earlier this week. They were like, you know, everybody wants to talk about tipping the bottle, but they don’t ever talk about what makes the bottle tip. And I went, Oh, my God, write that down. That’s brilliant. Put it in one of your poems. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh my god. So, it’s true. It’s like the attachment style is what makes the bottle tip. That’s what causes us to go use because we’re trying to numb the pain and the fear, lots of fear. Oh my god. So, there is very much a connection.

Okay. Alright, so getting back to this. Do Okay. Okay. So avoidant attachment is kind of like that leaves day, I don’t care, and they don’t get excited. You know, eventually, that turns into not asking for help, which is a trauma response. Not really allowing yourself to be vulnerable, also a trauma response. So, there’s that. Isn’t that interesting? There’s so interesting. All right.

Disorganized attachment is an is manifest an odd or ambivalent behavior toward a caregiver upon return, approaching but then turning away from them or even hitting the caregiver, and maybe the result of childhood trauma because the kids are scared and angry and they don’t know how to react. So that makes total sense.

Then on a completely different level, we’ve got reactive attachment disorder. reactive attachment disorder is a rare but serious condition in which an infant or young child does not establish healthy attachments with the parents or the caregivers. Now, this is usually in cases like, say, for example, people were adopting children from China and Romania. And if the children were not cuddled and held and loved and taken care of, they got this reactive attachment disorder. So, it may result it may reactive attachment disorder may develop because the child’s basic needs for comfort, affection, and nurturing are not met, and loving, caring, stable attachments with others are not established. So yeah, so orphanages that you know in other countries that did not take care of the kids it just ignored them, strap them down, didn’t feed them, didn’t cuddle with them, etc. Symptoms of reactive attachment disorder usually start in infancy. There’s little research on signs and symptoms of reactive attachment disorder beyond early childhood and remains uncertain whether it occurs in children older than five. Unexplained withdrawal, fear, sadness or irritability, sad or listless appearance, not seeking comfort, or showing no response when comfort is given. Failure to smile, watching others closely but not engaging in social interactions, failure to reach out when picked up, that’s because kids just, you know, pick me up, you know, that kind of thing. Um, no interest in playing peekaboo or other interactive games, behavior problems failing to seek support. So, you want to make sure if there is a child doing that, that they get into a pediatric psychiatrist. Absolutely, because this needs to be addressed immediately because this leads to other things risk factors. The child lived in an institution frequently changes foster homes or caregivers, parents who have severe mental health problems, criminal behavior or substance abuse, it’s impairing parenting have prolonged separation from parents or other caregivers due to repeated out-of-home placement, hospitalization or death of a primary caregiver. If without proper treatment, reactive attachment disorder can continue for several years and may have will have lifelong consequences. This can include problems with relationships, social interactions, mental and physical health, behavior, intellectual development, and substance abuse. More research is needed to determine if problems and older children and adults are related to experiences of reactive attachment disorder in early childhood. Can I just say yes to that already? So yeah. So basically, its intervention would be trauma, trauma therapists, trauma therapist working on the abuse, working on the trauma, working on self-esteem working on re healthy attachments. Okay, hold on, I wanted to get to, ah, okay.

Attachment styles in adulthood. Attachment security and behaviors have been studied in adult relationships. And this is on psychology today. And really, attachment related patterns that differ between individuals are called attachment styles. Okay, many adults feel secure in the relationship and comfortable depending on others echoing secure attachment and children. So, one way to heal. Attachment is to surround yourself with Healthy People basically, is what they’re saying. So, you can get healthier and more secure in your attachment if you surround yourself with healthy people. So again, this all, it all connects, it all connects. So, you remember how I was talking about when we start getting healthy, we start moving toxic people out of our life, and it starts feeling lonely and we start going, Oh, my God, I’m alone. I’m alone. Well, take a deep breath. You were alone, when you were with all of these toxic people, you’re making room for the Healthy People. So, you really aren’t alone. You’ve got somebody to turn to. You’ve got somebody healthy; you can say I’m having a tough day; can we talk you know, that’s what you need. You need friends you need, we are pack animals no different than dogs. We need our path we need our friends. We need relationships that are healthy, we need people we can turn to and people we can learn to trust with. So, this is really important to start working with a trauma therapist to get this handled. Okay.

Ah, okay. Okay. Others tend to feel anxious about their connections with close others or prefer avoiding getting close to them in the first place. So, these are persons with borderline personality disorder, characterized by a longing for intimacy and hypersensitivity to rejection, have shown a high prevalence and severity of insecure attachment. So borderline personality disorder is born of trauma. So, if there are issues with borderline personality disorder, really inappropriate behavior, inappropriate reactions. Overly fearful of abandonment, things like that, get with a trauma therapist. DBT is wonderful for that get with a DBT therapist that understands borderline personality disorder, understands trauma, and can help the person worked through that. So, getting back to it.

Kris Godinez  28:08

Okay. People with an insecure attachment, they worry about being alone. I often worry that my romantic partner doesn’t really love me. Some high in attachment avoidance likely worries about other people getting too close. So, can you change your attachment style? Yes, attachment styles can absolutely be changed substantially over time research suggests that name and may differ from relationship to relationship enduring terrible relationships may lead to less secure attachment orientation. And a history of supportive relationships may lead to increased security. So that’s what I’m saying therapy in providing a safe connection and opportunity to learn create relational skills is also helpful. So, in other words, surrounding yourself with healthy people, getting a good trauma therapist addressing what you went through as a kid.

Okay, hold on. I’m going to go through this last article. This is choosing therapy.com. This is called attachment trauma signs, causes, and how to heal. So, we’ve already gone through the avoidant, anxious, disorganized, insecure. We’ve talked about that. We’ve talked about what attachment trauma is, and we’ve talked about how it happens. Signs of attachment trauma in adults strong need for independence and autonomy, and control in relationships, difficulty feeling closeness with others, and avoiding relationships that require intimacy because we’re afraid or, conversely, strong need for closeness, so like clingy with others to the point that they may drive other people away. Being on alert for signs that the other person is unhappy in a relationship. Questioning one’s self-worth all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time. Viewing everyone else romantic partner in black or white in black or white terms such as all good or bad, all good, all bad. All nothing Black and White. That’s called splitting. Okay, let’s get to okay consequences difficulty in interpersonal relationships, unstable or negative sense of self. That makes sense. Okay, coping with attachment trauma, you’ve got to understand the impact of your past. You can’t just go up. It’s in the past. We’re done. I’m not going to deal with it. You’ve got to acknowledge the impact of your past. And you’ve got to start working on healing from childhood trauma inner child workbook Catherine Taylor inner child workbook with Cappacchione. It can be painful to think about your early childhood experiences but empathizing with how you felt as an infant, or a child is hugely important. You can shift your focus to the present by reflecting on how your early childhood has impacted you and how you behave in your adult relationships. Understanding your patterns is one of the first steps toward change and healing. Develop connections that encourage strength and resilience.

Once you’re aware of the patterns in your relationship and how your past has shaped them, you can choose to approach building connections in a different way. seek out relationships that are mutually beneficial, so not people pleasing, not somebody you have to chase, but a mutually benefiting friendship. If you feel like you are to being taken advantage of, put down, or abused, you can choose to end that relationship and set healthy boundaries. If you are struggling in this area. Get with a good trauma therapist. You can also consider support groups, group therapy, or recreational activities where you can meet like-minded people. Yes, that is how you meet healthier people is by doing things you love. Get comfortable with honest communication. Communication is an important life skill that most of us are not taught, especially if we’re in a disordered family. We tend to follow the example set by our family and peers. Assertive communication involves expressing your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a clear manner. It is firm but respectful. It differs from passive communication, where you give in to others, and aggressive communication, where you aggressively demand from others. Again, if you’re struggling with communication, get with a trauma therapist. Again, that’s going to be the big answer. And most of these connect with your body. The body keeps score by Bessel Vander Kolk excellent book, highly recommend it, get it, read it, work it, love it, love it, there we go.

Attachment trauma can impact how you feel about yourself in your body. Making an effort to connect with yourself and your body can help you heal. So, a lot of us that were abused and had families of origin that were just, you know, totally dysfunctional and not helpful. Very disconnected from our body. And even though I’ve been working on myself for a really, really, really long time, when I do something new like Pilates right? And I start doing like the higher classes. Boy, Howdy, I realize how still disconnected from my body I am, not horribly, but enough to be like, Huh, that’s weird. I thought I worked on that. Well, time to work on it again, deeper. So yeah, we get disconnected from our body from ourselves literally in more ways than one. So, reconnecting with the self the self-esteem workbook, Glenn Schiraldi the self-esteem, not other esteem, not your job, not what you can do for people, not how productive you are your self-esteem workbook, Glenn Schiraldi and he also addresses mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs, and how to challenge them, which is why I’m saying that’s going to help with attachment. So, there is that so getting back in touch with your body.

Okay, where was I?  There are many approaches to this. You can do a body scan, meditation, mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, yoga, pilates, breath work, taking note of how your body feels when you move, and establishing your own limits and boundaries for your body can help you feel more connected and more in control. Research on yoga for trauma is still emerging, but it shows promising results. If possible. It may be best to find a yoga teacher that specifically works with trauma healing, and yes, they are out there. Okay. I will get to the questions in just a second. Consider trauma-focused therapy. Therapy can help you explore your attachment trauma and understand its impact on you today. Developing a therapeutic relationship with a provider you trust also gives you the opportunity to experience a secure attachment. This experience can be transformative, transformative, and can help you cultivate other safe connections in your life. Trauma-focused therapy can also teach you healthy ways to communicate, set boundaries and cope with negative feelings. There are several different forms of therapy that treat trauma. EMDR has one I reprocess cognitive behavioral therapy, which is what I do. You can find a therapist by asking for a referral from a friend. That is honestly, the best way to find a therapist is somebody who really loves their therapist and recommends them that is word of mouth is the best way. You can also search online directories betterhelp.com/KrisGodinez, that’s another good resource.

Signs that you are healing from attachment trauma. Healing from attachment trauma is complex. It involves working through your past traumas understanding how they have impacted you, and developing new beliefs and new behaviors in relationships. It can be hard to know if you’re healing, kind of like seeing the forest through the trees. Depending on the person, the process can take months or even years, but it’s not impossible. It can be done. Signs that you are healing from attachment trauma include you have close and meaningful relationships and friendships. You’re able to communicate your feelings to others. You’re able to set healthy boundaries in your relationships. You have a healthy view of others and understand that people are imperfect. You accept your past and don’t beat yourself up for it. You have self-confidence and self-esteem workbook Lynch roll the inner child workbook Lucia Cappacchione or Catherine Taylor. If you’re working on healing from attachment trauma, you may not be seeing results immediately. But don’t panic. It takes time to heal. It takes practice as well. So, you may consider trying something that you haven’t tried before, like seeing a therapist. Either way, don’t give up. Healing from attachment is possible.

Final Thoughts attachment trauma is painful, but healing is possible. It can and probable if you do the work. It can be difficult to do on your own. But therapy, self-care learning new ways to communicate, and connecting with yourself and others can be extremely helpful. If you’re struggling, even with the workbooks, get with a therapist get with a therapist that specializes in attachment issues, trauma, etc. And they can help you work through the workbooks. So, what I do with my clients is, I tell them, Okay, you know, you’re having a hard time getting through the inner child workbook, let’s work it together, or you’re having a hard time getting through the self-esteem workbook. Let’s work it together. Let’s bring it in. Let’s read it through. Let’s do the exercises together.

Kris Godinez  37:19

Let’s see what’s going on. A lot of times, the reason people resist that is because they’re afraid. Because what happens if I change? What happens if I let go of this identity that I’ve had for so long? What happens if I let go of all the toxic people what happens? If so, they’re living in a future that hasn’t quite happened yet. And they’ve already decided it’s going to be bad as opposed to freedom. You know what I’m saying. So, it’s really important to understand your inner child is going to be resistant to change a lot of times and to comfort, comfort, comfort, comfort, comfort, comfort, comfort, comfort, and I don’t mean with chocolate.

So, when you’re dealing with the inner child, and the inner child is afraid, you can imagine speaking to the inner child, holding the inner child, comforting the inner child, standing next to the inner child or behind the inner child and letting them know you’ve got their back, it’s going to be okay, it’s going to be different, but it’s going to be okay. And that they’re safe, and they’re okay, and you’re not going to let anything that happened to them. Unlike what happened to you when you were little. So, it’s really important to comfort your inner child, love yourself, do self-care, get with a good trauma therapist, work the books I recommend. There’s a reason I recommend these books. So, if talking to your inner child is too scary or painful or weird, because some people are like, Oh, that’s weird. I don’t want to do it. Great. Write them a love letter. Dear little three-year-old me. I love you. Oh my god. Wow. You know, and here’s what’s great about you. And here’s how you got us through to adulthood. And here’s how much I love you and I’m going to protect you and I know this happened to you when you were a kid. You know what? Just a memory. Those a holes cannot hurt you anymore. I won’t let it happen. See where I’m going with that. So, keep in communication with the inner child is super, super important.

Okay, to recap, attachment issues are real it comes from neglect or abuse it does. How our caregivers treated us, either consistently or inconsistently, really affects how we view the world. Are we secure? Are we insecure? Are we avoidant? Are we, you know, terrified all the time? Do we not trust? Are we kind of like, I’ll do it my own damn self, all of that goes back to attachment. All of it. It is a trauma response. CPTSD from surviving to thriving P Walker. Excellent. Get it? Read it, work it. Your body keeps score. The body keeps score Bessel Vander Kolk get it, read it, work it. Get a trauma therapist. All of these things are going to help you, and yes 100%, You can heal this stuff. You absolutely can’t now but does this mean it’s going to poof go away, and you’re never going to have to deal with it again? No Um, like I said, I was in Pilates the other day. And I was doing what was I doing? I was doing something. Oh, I had to do balance. So, we were doing like one-legged, pelvic tilts. And I was just like, oh, oh dear, I am really disconnected. Wow. Because I cannot find my balance down there. Hmm. Interesting. So just something I need to work on, something I need to write about something. I need to journal something I need to process. It’s just uh huh. It’s not. Oh, you can’t do this. It’s more of Uh huh. I can’t do this. Well, what’s that? Where did? Where did that come from? You know, and you work through it. That’s it. You get curious, get curious. Don’t get judgmental. Get curious. So there that is. You can heal from attachment issues go you. So mirror work. Hi, good to see you. Have a great day. I give you permission to work on your childhood and then walk out. Work all the books, you’ve got this. You’ve got this. You can do it. All right, let’s get to the questions since I went long. today. All right.

Should we be with our narc parents when they are dying? I’ve been no contact for eight years. No, you were under no obligation to be with the parents if they were abusive. So let me clarify my earlier, earlier comments. narcissists tend to abandon dogs; narcissists tend to abandon parents that actually loved them. If, however, the parent was abusive, and you’ve been no contact, don’t break the No Contact. They’re not; it’s not going to be this miraculous. They’re not going to be nice to your kind of thing. So basically, you’re not a bad person for staying no contact. You’re not a bad person for not seeing them. What I’m talking about is if you’ve been with his dog for 12 years, and you just suddenly are like, no, I can’t handle it being dead and being gone. Or you’ve got a family member that’s actually been kind and good to you and shoved them into an old age home and don’t ever talk to them again. That’s the kind of thing I’m talking about. I am not talking about an abuser that you’ve been no contact with for 18 years that’s dying. You’re under no obligation to ever speak to them again. And it’s different because they’re abusive. Does that make sense? So, I hope that clarifies that.

If you’re afraid of everything, which is called agoraphobia, fear can be mistaken as excitement. I fear nothing at the same time. Yeah, yeah, it can. Because we haven’t. Nobody ever taught us how to feel emotions. And nobody ever taught us how to separate them all out. So that makes total sense. I fear nothing. At the same time, I face things head on, it’s better to go through it than around it. Am I wrong? Well, here’s the thing. Facing things is actually kind of a good thing. I kind of feel the same way. And maybe that’s a trauma response. I’m not sure. But I feel the same way. Like facing things. Like, let’s handle it. Let’s get her done. Kind of thing. Um, but you’ve got to make sure it’s a mindfulness thing. So, Is it fear that’s driving you? Or is it something that needs to be done? So, I would say journal it out, you know, Is it fear that’s being driven here? Or is it something that truly needs to be done? You know, I like to face things head-on. That’s just the kind of person I am. And, but, and you want to make sure if the motivation sounds like an actor, what’s their motivation? Um, you want to make sure what the motivation is; it’s like, are you doing it out of a healthy, facing things and getting through it? Or are you doing it out of fear?

And separating out excitement and fear is going to be hugely important because if you’re responding to fear as excitement, that can also get you into trouble. So, journal, journal, get with a therapist work it through. So, there is that.

What do you think about Homecoming, reclaiming and healing your inner child by John Bradshaw? Catherine Taylor’s book is so huge. I can’t do it. I have not read John Bradshaw’s book. So, I don’t know. I don’t know. I know some people get intimidated because the book looks really thick. And again, it’s for you. It is really for you. This is a gift to you. So, if the Katherine Taylor one is too intimidating, go for the Lucia Cappacchione one that’s a little bit thinner. But remember, every book is for you to love you. And for you to heal you. It is a gift to you. So read the read the homecoming one if that works. If you like it, then that’s great. I have not read it. So, I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s good or not. So, but do what works. But don’t be off put just because a book is thick because a lot of the stuff is exercises. A lot of the things she hasn’t her workbooks are things you have to actually do. So, um, yeah. So, try it. Try the book. Let me know how it is, you know, if you like it, if you read the book and you like it, let me know if you read the book and you hate it. Also, let me know, let me know why. So, I can kind of help guide people when they’re like, oh, what other books do you have? So, yeah, that’s, that’s that. And basically, it’s like, whatever workbook works for you. I don’t care as long as it is moving you forward and moving you away from abuse. That’s all I care about. I just want you guys to be healthy. That’s really my whole goal.

Okay. Do narcissistic parents cause a detachment of the child? And parent? Oh, oh, yes. Oh, my Lord. So, this kind of goes back to the pet thing too. So, a narcissistic partner, male or female, doesn’t matter will be jealous of the child. I know there’ll be jealous of the dog. They’ll be jealous of the cat. There’ll be jealous of the hamster, the turtle, the tortoise, whatever is getting attention that they’re not getting, so they’ll be jealous of the child. Absolutely. And they will encourage because my dad did this. Oh, my God. So okay. So, my dad was jealous of my middle sister. And when my middle sister would cry, he insisted that my mom let her cry it out. My sister cried so hard; she ended up getting a hernia as a baby. Okay, I’m not okay with that theory of parenting. I think it’s abuse. It is abuse. And he was angry every time my mom had to pay attention to one of us, and this continued on through all of our lives. He was jealous of me. He was jealous of my other sisters. I don’t know why. Let’s put it this way this man, and I use the term man loosely, will never win Father of the Year award.

Kris Godinez  47:01

So, they are jealous of the child there. They are envious. They want the attention, and they will encourage the other parent to not bond with the child. 110%. You betcha.

Okay. My narc mother was someone I never had a bomb bond with. Well, if she was a narcissist, they wouldn’t know how to bond anyway, because narcissists do not know emotions. They don’t know how to deal with it. They don’t know how to relate to that little, tiny infant, you know, who needs to be held and loved and kissed and cuddled and comforted and fed and everything else. Um, when she died, I had no feelings of grief or anything. So, when my dad died, he was the narcissist in my life. When my dad died. I was not sad because he was dead. In fact, when he died, Mom and I sat on the couch and went thank God, that son of a bitch is dead. Seriously, because with a narcissist, they’re abusive or neglectful. There’s no connection. I couldn’t relate to this guy to literally to save my life. I had to leave home when I was 17 because he was so abusive. You know, it just was not a good thing. When he died. I felt nothing. Stop it. Siri, I felt nothing. I was not sad for him. I was not sad that he was gone. When I was sad about, and I talked about it in my book. What’s wrong with your dad? What I was sad about available on Amazon. What I was sad about was the if only he hadn’t been crazy. If only he wasn’t a narcissist, or borderline because he had both I think, you know, if only he wasn’t cruel. If only he wasn’t mean, if only he wasn’t, you know, completely detached from reality, if only he was willing to go get therapy and work on himself. If only if only if only if only. That’s what I was sad about. I was sad about, and I was sad for my siblings. Oh, boy. This is the day, isn’t it? So, we were sitting at a table, and I told the story before. And all of our siblings were telling me about my dad because we all had the same day, we had different moms. And my brother was saying; Now I’ll never get his approval. And he was right because my brother tried so hard to get my dad’s approval his entire life. And, of course, my dad never approved of him. My brother was a MacGyver, so he could fix literally spit and string. He could fix anything. And I thought it was brilliant. My dad, because it wasn’t academic, put him down, told him how stupid he was. He told all of us how stupid we were. And of course, that’s projection. Hello. But of course, we didn’t know that as kids. So, my poor brother was sitting there going well, now I’ll never get his approval. And, of course, my brother never got the help he needed either. And it just the wake of destruction is what hit me when my dad died. It was like, you absolute bastard. How dare you damage all of these kids who did not deserve it? You know, and if you had been willing to admit you were wrong number one and get help. Number two, things would have been so much different and so much better. But narcissists can’t. And so, when my Narcissus died, I felt nothing. I did and and there’s nothing wrong with that. Let’s be clear because there’s nothing there. There’s, there’s no they’re there with them. And there’s no bond, and there’s no emotional connection or attachment. Now, when my mom died, I was a freaking mess. I miss her. I do a lot. And I mean, she had her issues. And we’ve talked about this, but you know, when she died, there was an emotional connection. And I really, I really grieved her hard. My dad? Peace out, dude, go pound sand. Hope I don’t ever see you in the afterlife, you know? Is there no connection at all? And my mom and I felt a lot of relief. She felt guilty too. She was like, oh my god, I shouldn’t feel this way. And I was like, stop. He was mean. He was mean to you. He was mean to your children. Yeah, it’s okay for you to not grieve Him and to be glad he’s dead. Because frankly, I am. You know, and so it’s okay. It’s okay. It’s normal. When we lose, lose. When a narcissist departs the room, we’re actually okay. We’re not really sad. But we’re sad for the what ifs are the only if all these you know what if this had happened or if that had happened, of course, that’s a little inner child, I can guarantee you that 10 may be thinking about that, if only if only if only. So yeah, so just be gentle with you, sweetie. That’s normal. We’re not going to grieve an abuser, really. Some people will. Some people will. But it’s more grieving the if onlys than it is really grieving the loss of the person who used to cause you so much harm. So there that is. So, you’re okay. It’s okay. And yes, they do interfere with attachment, you know, they keep the other parent from caring for the child and taking care of them, etc.

Okay, what if those thoughts about the perceived ill intent of another person are indeed true? And your intuition is telling you that, but somebody else is telling you it’s all in your head? Okay. Well, if the evidence is telling you it’s true, then it’s true. You know, and here’s what I’ve noticed with abusers and disordered people is that they love to sew doubt in the target of abuse’s mind. So, for example, I’m dealing with divorce cases, okay. The abuser will say or do something that sews confusion or doubt in the healthy parent’s mind, and it’s intentional. So oh, you’re crazy. Oh, this isn’t what’s really, this isn’t what’s really happening. You’re imagining it’s gaslighting. So, you know, if it’s really happening, you document everything you check in with people that are sane, Hey, this is what I’m seeing. Are you seeing this too? Or am I smoking the ganja? That’s what you do. This is why having healthy friends is really important because they’re kind of like, hey, I need a reality check here. Is this really happening? So, for example, I’ve had clients that will call me and be like, can we talk for 15 minutes? I just need 15 minutes. Yeah, of course. So, they’ll call in my ex said this or did this and I feel crazy. Am I crazy? And then we’ll go through what happened. And I’ll be like, Okay, back it up. Do you remember when they did this? Yes, I remember that. Okay. Trust your gut. You know what I’m saying? So that’s why it’s good to have somebody to do a reality check with. But if it is true, you know, other people are seeing it, and you’ve got the documentation for yourself that yes, this is happening. And somebody else is trying to say, oh, it’s all in your head. You want to take a look at that flying monkey? Or you want to take a look at that abuser and see what is their agenda? What is their agenda to make you trust, not trust yourself? What is their agenda to tell you? It’s all in your head? Because that’s kind of an insult? Do you see where I’m going with that? So, check it out. What is their, what is their endgame? What is your plan? What is their agenda? What’s their goal? Why are they doing that? What do they get out of it? That’s always the question to ask, and trust your gut.

Okay, um, well, would DBT therapy be the same therapist that can help you through complicated grief first, so DBT is a modality. So, it doesn’t matter what the issue is. The modality is DBT Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. So they can help with depression, anxiety, grief, etc, etc, etc. So yeah, you could absolutely do that. Working through the grief first, I love my therapist, but I need someone who will help hold me accountable. Okay. Well, if the therapist is not holding you accountable, you may need a completely different therapist. So basically, a good therapist holds you accountable. A good therapist is like, are you doing the work? Why aren’t you doing the work? What’s going on? What’s stopping you? What is the fear? What is the this? What is that? And then working on the grief, you know, complicated grief is complicated. Because we may have loved our abuser, like, you know, on some level, like a little kid level, I loved my dad because, you know, he was my dad. But as an adult, I did not love my dad. So that’s complicated because it’s kind of like, okay, the inner child love my dad, but the adult me did not love my dad. And I didn’t miss him when he died. But I can guarantee my inner child was the one that got triggered when my brother said, Now I’ll never get his approval. Does that make sense? So, you need a therapist who’s going to work with you through all of those complicated, sometimes opposing emotions, and who’s going to hold you accountable? And have you do the work and call you on it when you don’t? And gently kind of be like, what’s going on? How can you not you know, what’s, what’s stopping you? What’s stopping you from working on this? What’s the fear? What are you telling yourself? What’s the mistaken thought? What is the mistaken belief and help you push through it? So yeah, you want a therapist that will keep you moving forward? You don’t want one? This is what drives me crazy and Bessel van der Kolk talked about this when we, he comes to Phoenix every once in a while, and he does continuing education units. And he was talking about therapists who just uh huh, uh huh. Uh huh. How do you feel about that? And keep the person coming for years as opposed to holding them accountable, pushing them forward, giving them coping skills so that they can do it on their own? Because that’s the ultimate goal, you know. So yeah, if your therapist is not helping you move forward and if they’re just uh huh, uh huh.

Kris Godinez  56:57

Get a different therapist. That would be my suggestion. So okay, is that it? That is it. All right, my love’s go have a great week. Please take good care of yourselves. Talk to you guys later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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