I often get asked, “What is love, really?” The reason I get asked that is because
abusers, narcissists, dark triads, antisocial personality disordered and malignant
borderline personality disordered, throw that word “love” around. However, do they really know or understand what the word love means? The simple answer to thatquestion is no.
Disordered abusers do not have empathy. To truly love someone, you must have
empathy. Abusers have no empathy. They are unable or unwilling to put themselves into another person’s shoes and walk with them. They do not understand the concept of putting someone else ahead of their own selfish wants and needs. They have contempt and anger for people who do feel because abusers cannot stand the thought of someone possessing something they cannot ever have. To protect their ego, they find people who have empathy “weak” and “losers”. When in fact, empathy is what has helped humans survive according to Darwin.
Abusers do not truly understand the word “respect.” They demand respect yet refuse to reciprocate. Love and respect are one and the same. If you respect them, you love them. If you love them, you respect them. The meaning is that boundaries are honored, words are honored, and truth is honored. Apologies are sincere, and the offending action will never be repeated. All these emotional concepts are foreign to abusers and not just foreign but repulsive because an abuser’s power comes from disrespect, devaluing and discarding, crossing boundaries, lying, doubling down and gaslighting, and demanding everyone believes the lies even when caught red-handed and never apologizing or if they do apologize the offense is committed yet again soon after.
Targets of abuse get caught up in listening to the words rather than the actions. I have seen abusers verbally abuse their spouse and in the same sentence tell them that “I love you”. The target of abuse wants to believe the words, and the abuser knows this. That is why they sprinkle in the word “love” with all the abuse to sow cognitive dissonance, to keep the target of abuse off balance, confused and thereby more easily manipulated.
How do you protect yourself? You must define what love is. Love is kind. Love is patient. Love is NEVER cruel. Love is respectful. Love is playful. Love is understanding. Love is unconditional. Love respects boundaries. Love values truth. Love understands the power of words and never uses them to devalue or discard or harm. Love is truly humble. Love is willing to accept personal responsibility and to apologize sincerely and make sure the offending behavior does not happen again.
Once you have a working list of what behaviors love has, compare that to what your abuser says and does. Take notice of how abuse is combined with the word love. Is it your inner child that wants to believe them when they say they love you even though they just verbally/physically/sexually abused you? How old do you feel when you want to believe their words and not their actions? Work The Inner Child Workbook by Catherine Taylor or Regaining Your Inner Child by Luccia Cappachione. Abuse is not love.
