So many of us have read romance novels or watched tv shows and movies, especially rom-coms, that send the wrong message. Messages like “You CAN change them!” “Stockholm syndrome is okay and will end well!” “Treat the partner like crap; they will love you more!” “Lose who you are in order to become what the partner wants!”

Many of those novels, tv shows, and movies have normalized abuse in some form or another. Fairy tales are read to children, and they are particularly dysfunctional and have many themes of unrealistic relationships and abuse. Little ones grow up having those “But it should be this way because of this book, tv, or show I saw in their heads. When our inner child is running the show, those thoughts become prevalent.

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Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA, or any other therapist for that matter.

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Okay, so obviously, I am in Universal right now with the fam. And we’ve been doing universal, which has been a lot of fun, I got to tell you. So, while we were here, I thought it would be really interesting to talk about movies and TV shows that maybe send the wrong message. So, John and I were talking about this. But before we dive into that, I wanted to talk about current events. So, unfortunately, this week, this last couple of weeks have been crazy. Hey, guys, the last couple of weeks have been crazy for stupid things happening with guns. So again, in Texas, five people murdered because a drunk neighbor decided to shoot his gun, and they asked him to please stop. And they went over there, and he killed them. He just he was angry and drunk. And he decided that he had his God-given right to shoot his guns, and he was going to kill him. So, he did. This is the problem. This is a problem.

And the thing I want to warn everybody about, you cannot assume that people are sane. You just can’t. So, road rage, you’ve got to be careful, you know, driving here in California, it’s crazy traffic. And the level of anger I’m seeing in society is frightening, I think, is a good way to put it. And especially when you combine that with people who are in an altered state, you know, maybe drunk or using something or whatever, and they’ve got guns, and they’re angry it that’s a dangerous, dangerous combination. So, I strongly suggest that if somebody is firing guns in your neighborhood, let the police handle it seriously. If somebody is doing something stupid on the road, call 911, report them, and let the police handle it. It’s not safe. I don’t think it’s safe anymore to call people out, you know, necessarily, because, like I said, there’s been people that went to the wrong address, there were people that pulled into the wrong driveway, they did whatever, and they ended up getting shot for it or knocked on the wrong door. So, you can’t trust that people are going to behave sanely. So that is my current event again, honestly, and this guy is apparently on the loose. So, he as soon as he killed them, he took off, and he’s on the right. So, and one of the things that he was screaming was that it was his God-given right to shoot his gun in his backyard. Well, if you’re in a suburban setting, and you’ve got houses right next door to you, you know, you can’t go shoot your gun in your backyard.

So, when we were kids growing up, of course, this is John, and I have been talking about this all week. And in my day. In my day, we would go to a shooting range; we would, you know, have targets set up that we knew that the bullets were going to be taken care of it wasn’t going to travel anywhere. The thing I don’t think people think of, too, is that when John and I were living here in LA, there was a case where a couple was coming out of a restaurant, and a half a mile away was a gun battle going on with gangs and stuff. And it was either the man or the woman I can’t remember which one ended up getting shot and killed. Because bullets travel, they don’t just stop after a few feet. They travel. So anyway, that’s my current event is that we need to do something mental health in this country. Again, it really does boil down to a mental health issue. Because if the guy was drunk, why was he drinking? What’s he running from? What’s he trying to numb himself from? So, you’ve got somebody who’s drunk and armed and angry, so drunk and angry, that would be a mental health issue. So again, we need to do something in this country about mental health. There needs to be some form of accessible, easily accessible mental health care in this country. So anyway, that’s my current event.

So okay, so we’re here in Universal and we started talking about movies and TV shows that send the wrong message, and part of the reason why I started thinking about that is we went to the stunt show, which is Waterworld, and I hated Waterworld. Hated it. I can’t stand Kevin Costner. I’m sorry, I just can’t stand him. And in his movie Waterworld, basically, the plot is the polar caps have melted, there’s no land, there’s supposedly this one island, which is presumably, I’m thinking, Everest. It’s solid land. And the good guys are trying to get there. And the bad guys are trying to get there. And Kevin Costner had this female sidekick, and he got mad at him. And she had really long hair. And so, in the movie, he grabs her and holds her down and cuts her hair off, which is a symbolic rape, essentially. And I remember seeing that, and I wanted to storm out of the movie theater. I was just like, oh, hell, no, there are only two men in this world that touch my hair. One is my hairdresser. The other one is my husband. So, you know, it really angered me when I saw that. And then we saw the stunt show. And in the stunt show was basically a recap of the movie and the whole thing and the female lead. They’ve obviously changed it a bit. So, she did do a bit of the punching and, you know, the stunts and things like that, but not much. And she was the damsel in distress, and the guy had to come rescue her, and I’m just like, I’m so sick of that trope. I’m so sick of you know that it’s okay to abuse women. It’s okay to… or men for that matter. That’s something I don’t like in a lot of these movies that I picked up was either the abuse, the verbal abuse, or the physical abuse is just there. Inappropriate now, especially so in talking about movies that really kind of send an inappropriate message. So Waterworld, obviously, that’s one. So, it’s kind of like yeah, you can do whatever you want to if somebody disagrees with you, you just thrown down to the ground, cut their hair off. What?

The other one is Beauty and the Beast. Now, I love the beauty and the beast growing up. I did I was as a kid, you know, I love the original French story. But if you really look at it from a psychological point of view, fairy tales, yes, that’s exactly where we’re going. So, a lot of the fairy tales, if you look at the fairy tales, the original fairy tales are dark, like nobody’s business, misogynistic, like nobody’s business, very much trapping men and women in these very, not helpful. Role models and kind of things. Beauty and the Beast is kind of scary because when you look at it, it’s Stockholm Syndrome. So, he exchanges her for her father because her father picks a rose to give to her. And, and he is trapped, and she comes to rescue him. But then the beast says, No, I’ll take you instead. And so, she stays with him. And then it becomes Stockholm Syndrome. She falls in love with him after being with him for X amount of time. And, of course, he gives her the library and everything else. But it’s the basic message is I can change them. And I think that is in a lot of these fairy tales, for men and women is very dangerous. It’s a very dangerous message to send. Because the message is, oh, I can change them. Oh, look, I can take this person and make them better. No, you cannot. So, I think that’s something that I thought was very kind of disturbing in that.

Sex and the City. That’s another one the glamorization of abuse, the glamorization of abuse and of affairs, the glamorization of not valuing yourself or putting a partner above your well-being or even your child’s well-being Gilmore Girls. That’s another one. It’s like, none of those relationships in any of those shows. were healthy. You know? What’s the other one? Grease? Oh, dear God. So, John and I were talking John’s laughing. So, John and I were talking about the lyrics in some of the songs in Greece. And one of them was, did she put up a fight? And John was like, you know, thank God, I saw a meme recently where they were they did that, and they started singing that, and everybody in the chorus stopped and went, that’s wrong. Stop it. That’s not why are we singing about that? So? Yeah, Sarah, Jessica Parker did not like her character. Yeah, it’s it was it, Mr. Big to me. Everybody was like, Oh, Mr. Big. Oh, he’s so romantic. And, like, he’s a douche. I’m sorry. No, thank you. So, in it, it’s in Grease.

Kris Godinez 09:30
Again. It’s like, you know, making it so that girls and guys have to change themselves to be loved. That was the basic message. It’s like, lose who you are so that the main character will love you. And that’s not okay. Revenge of the Nerds, nonconsensual sex. The guy pretended to be a boyfriend, and it turned out to be somebody else. And so that was non-consentual sex.
Any and all John Hughes movies. Oh, my God. Yeah, it’s like we watched The Breakfast Club. I hadn’t seen the Breakfast Club in years and I have very fond memories of it because I saw it when I was in, like, right out of high school into college. And I watched it, and I just went, oh my god, this is so not cool. So, yeah, so sexual bullying, that’s also in 16 Candles, a lot of the John Hughes movies, especially, what’s the one where they make the girl? Weird Science, you know, creating the perfect woman so that she will do their bidding. You know, that’s not cool, either.

Any and all reality shows. So let me be very clear. None of the reality shows are real. They’re all scripted out. The conflict, you’re seeing the, you know, the good guys, the bad guys, those people are talked to ahead of time and told what the producers are looking for. So, you’ve got to understand; it’s not just this off the cuff. You know, this is happening in the moment. This is scripted in some form, shape, or way. So, yeah, it’s entertainment. It’s not teaching you how to live. But what I see a lot of people doing is kind of watching those shows and going, Oh, that’s how it’s supposed to be. Well, if you base your life off of a reality show, that’s how it’s supposed to be if everyone in that reality of yours is disordered, bipolar, or narcissistic, bipolar, not bipolar, borderline, or narcissistic because the drama there was there’s so much drama unnecessary, in all of the reality show so much nastiness, so much cattiness so much, you know, bickering and just not nice. And that’s not reality. That’s not how people get along, you know, so it’s not reality. It’s not reality at all.

So anyway, those were the things I was thinking about here, in universal, looking at all the entertainment and things like that. And that’s the thing, people don’t see it as entertainment, though. They see it as a way to base their life. So, for example, Friends, Friends today would not fly, there would be so many issues in the friend’s thing. least of which I mean, really, let’s, let’s take a look at this eight, an apartment in New York. This and John’s laughing because he and I talked about this, an apartment in New York is not going to be this ginormous, huge loft. That, you know, to people, how many people were living there down to two or three people were living in no apartments in New York, if you’re lucky, on a good day, or like less than 300 square feet. And it takes two or three people living in that in order to afford that. So, it sets up an unrealistic expectation for what’s affordable, and what affordable looks like. None of those apartments of any of those people had in that show would ever be able to be afforded in New York City ever.

So, it is. It’s not just the romantic stuff. It’s not just the glamorization of cheating or the glamorization of abuse or things like that. It’s the glamorization of…how do I put this. It’s kind of like saying, Look, these people all have regular jobs, and somehow, you’re going to be able to afford this Breaking Bad. That’s another one. Yes, that’s absolutely another one. The other thing I hated is, what’s the video game where you beat people up? Grand Theft Auto series? It’s a series of video games. Grand Theft Auto. Yeah, I couldn’t watch Game of Thrones, either, because of the incest. So, it was like, You know, Friends, friends of mine watched it ahead of time. And they were like, do not, you won’t don’t even and I’m like, Okay, thank you for letting me know, I couldn’t do that. I can’t do violence, either. And John and I were talking about it.

Maybe this is just me. But what I noticed here at Universal is this is much more adult-themed here as opposed to Disney, which is more kid themed. And it seems like the adult themes are snarkier.

So, there’s a lot more snarkiness theirs. Yeah, how can they make a game out of beating up prostitutes or old ladies? That’s another thing, you know? Yeah, it’s the lack of humanity that bothers me in a lot of these movies and TV shows that glorify violence or that glorify cheating, or they make it seem like it’s okay, somehow, and it’s not, it’s not Mr. Big, I would say it was probably a narcissist. Probably most of the female characters on that show were narcissists, you know, not the actresses but you know, the characters as written because they were so self-absorbed and so self-centered and so worried about how they look And it’s yeah, it just the, the obsession with looking good. You know, it’s, yeah, it’s bothersome, and it’s bothersome that it, and this has always been a thing. And it’s not just because I’m getting old. I’m 58. But it’s like, as I start aging more and realize how sexist and how ageist Hollywood is, you know, especially towards women, towards men too, but especially towards women, because it’s like, Oh, if you have white hair, you’re somehow obsolete, you know, and with the guys, it’s like, okay, it’s like, you have to have this, you know, MCU body. And it’s like the only way you’re ever going to get a body like that is if you literally dedicate yourself to working out every day, six to eight hours a day. That’s it, and have a nutritionist, and have somebody help you eat the right foods and, you know, do the right exercises and things like that.

So, as much as I love visiting LA is loved as much as I love visiting Universal and having fun here, I just, I don’t like to snark, I don’t like the self-absorbed. I don’t like the selfie sticks, dear God. You know, it’s like, people are like taking all of these pictures for their social media. Obviously, I’m doing social media here. But it’s like, I guess what I wanted, the theme of today to be is to pay attention to what you watch. Pay attention to the themes, pay attention to what’s really being said, not just getting caught up in the romance of it or getting caught up in the, you know, the prettiness or whatever. But really, what is the message that they’re sending? What are they saying? What is what is this particular movie or show saying, you know, what is it? What is it really putting out? So that’s kind of the thing that really has been very much in the forefront visiting universal here. So anyway, those are the TV shows and movies that I could think of I mean, there’s tons others I mean, Glee, Glee was not all that healthy.

What about what? Frozen? What do you think about Frozen? Oh, Prince Hans now. Okay. I will make an exception for Prince Hans because that wasn’t that was showing you that what’s you know, handsome and good-looking is not necessarily Prince Charming. So, I really love that. In frozen. They did the love bombing. So, Prince Hans and Ana, if you watch Frozen the first one, Prince Hans comes in, and he loved bomb. Sorry, Oh, you like pizza? I like pizza. You like mousse? I like no. So, you’d like to ice skate. I like to ice skate. So, it totally, totally love-bombed. And then as soon as he got his hooks into her, you know, then he threw her in jail and was like, Haha, I’m going to become king of this country, blah, blah, blah. So basically, showed a narcissistic relationship, which I thought was really good. The other ones that I liked was inside out, you know, showing all the different emotions. It’s Encanto, I love Encanto, but I do kind of have a problem with the grandmother being so abusive.

So, there is that, but yeah, the 80s and 90s sitcom TV shows incredibly dysfunctional. I have an incredibly hard time watching The Simpsons. So even though that that’s a parody of, you know, dysfunctional families. I mean, they take the cake for dysfunction. But unfortunately, especially walking around here in the public, I’ve seen people that act like them, and I’m like, Oh, my God. Yeah, I have a really hard time with that inside out is a great thing. I love that.

Kris Godinez 18:48
Um, so, yeah, I mean, it’s just I think the biggest thing is it also it’s not just movies and TV shows, but books. So, when I was a kid growing up, I used to read romance novels like crazy. And now as an adult, now, having you know, all the background and psychology that I have now, I’m like, holy crap, those things are messed up. Holy crap. They have so much unreal expectations for both men and women. It’s like, Oh, my God, I would never, I mean if I had known then what I know now, I would never read those books. Because they, again, if you come from a dysfunctional family, they kind of set you up for this ideal, you know, oh, this is the way it’s supposed to be. And this is the way that you know, it’s Oh, Twilight. Yeah, I totally agree. Edward was totally abusive towards Bella. Yeah. 100%. And that, and that bothers me.

And I realized, you know, really, even if you go back to Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew, holy cow, horrible, horrible message. Oh, if you don’t conform if you’re not this sweet little thing, you know, you won’t get married and ba,ba,ba, but you know, it’s just amazing. It’s just amazing. If you go back in through history, it’s been there all the time. So, I, and again, entertainment is one thing if you can separate it out and be like, Yes, this is entertainment, this is not reality, this is great. But I find a lot of younger people don’t, or they can’t, or they don’t want to, because if they come from an incredibly dysfunctional family, that’s how I escaped was into movies and TVs and reading books. So, it’s really important to be careful of what you’re reading, what you’re putting into your body, you know, literally into your mind, it’s like and watch for the messages. And don’t just be surface, I mean, you don’t want to go too deep, you want to be able to enjoy whatever you’re reading. But if you’re reading something that’s really glorifying abuse, or if you’re watching something that’s really glorifying abuse, I don’t recommend it. I just don’t. And honestly, again, this is where we, as the consumer, can take our power back. So, you know, writing, writing, and I do remember writing a letter to Kevin Costner and telling him, as a woman, I am incredibly offended by this scene in your movie, because, you know, he could have handled that in so many different ways. That would have been better, it would have been more like, aligned with, you know, I know we’re disagreeing right now. Let me help you understand. Let’s communicate, whatever. And instead, it was, you know, I’m going to throw you to the ground and cut your hair off. Which no, I didn’t like the message that sent at all, especially having come from an abusive family.

So yeah, The Simpsons. Oh, not only the Simpson, Family Guy. There was an episode of Family Guy, I just couldn’t, I just couldn’t it was when Peter was jealous of his own son’s anatomy and was angry that his son was better in; John, sitting there shaking his head, was angry that his son was better endowed than he was. And it was cringe-worthy. I mean, it was just, oh, God, I could not even watch it.

So, again, I’m not saying that these movies should be taken off. I’m not saying that they shouldn’t be made. I’m just saying. Be aware, be aware, and be aware of what messages are being sent to your youngsters, you know, and talk with them. Why Beauty and The Beast needs to stay a fantasy and not a reality, Because it’s like, you don’t want Stockholm Syndrome. You can’t change people. That’s not reality. And I think, honestly, when I get comments from people saying, But why, but why, but why, but why? Why can’t they change? Why can’t I change them. I want to change them. They have to be able to be changed. I’m thinking that a lot of that goes back to what we watched when we were growing up, or what we listened to when we were growing up, or what we, you know, internalized from Disney, from books from movies, etc., etc., etc. So anyway, there’s my thoughts on it is there’s a lot of really not healthy media out there.

And I do think it’s really important to watch what the kids are watching and really talk to them about it, you know so that there’s some sort of discussion. When Revenge of the Nerds came out. There were kids there that were as little as five and six. And that is not a movie for a five- and six-year-old at all. So yeah, it’s just Yeah. So, there’s that. All right. Well, unless does anybody have do you have any other ones that we need to talk about? I think I hit on all of the really dysfunctional ones. Can you think of anything? There was Gilmore Girls, that relationship was completely messed up the way she led on guys and that and put guys first No, thank you. Yeah, so Okay, so do you guys have any questions, because we might as well answer a bunch of questions while I’m here. Is there any questions so far? No questions? Okay, I’m going to give you guys a chance. Yeah, Lorelai was crazy on Gilmore Girls. I totally, totally agree. Yes, I did comment on Twilight. It was an abusive relationship between… stories well a little bit a little bit enough to know that I wouldn’t like it. So yeah, basically anyone that you know glorifies abuse or emotional abuse or physical abuse, that’s the thing that really the physical abuse stuff is the stuff that really got me that the, the emotional abuse, so yeah, all right. Any questions, guys, because I’m going to, I’m going to sign off if you guys don’t have any questions. I’m going to give it a little bit. Okay.

Is the portrayal of violence and films different in the US than in the UK? That’s a good question. Because Guy Ritchie movies can be very violent. James Bond can be very violent. And misogynistic. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god, you want to talk abuse James Bond movie. Doctor Who’s good doctor who’s very inclusive. I really love that. Yeah, we’re having a great day here. It’s actually a lot of fun. I got to tell you the last time I was in Disney. It was back to the way it was. So, we decided to come to Universal just to see how this was. Of the two. I like Disney better. So, no, we’re having a really good time. But no, is there a difference between the UK and the US? I don’t think so. I think there’s a lot of violent movies that come out of the UK. I think there’s a lot of violent, really violent movies come out of the US. As far as the misogyny is concerned. No, it seems pretty equal. You know? Remember the sunblock? Yes. So yeah, no, I don’t see the UK being better or worse. That seems pretty, pretty equal. And it’s, it’s funny because when we first came to Universal, they used to say the entertainment capital of the world. And now they say, the entertainment capital of LA. So, I think that’s because Georgia has taken over.

Oh, Roseanne is another one. Roseanne is dysfunctional. That’s a dysfunctional show. All the yelling, all the screaming, all the drama. It doesn’t have to be that way. I love John Goodman. I do. But I think that’s the screaming and yelling and fighting and nastiness and the snark. I don’t like that becoming normalized. And that kind of is normalizing it. Same thing with the snarkiness. In Simpsons, Simpsons can be very snarky. I didn’t see Shameless. The dad is a piece of doodoo Yeah, I didn’t see that. I try.

Honestly, guys, I try to avoid movies like that. It’s like I watch. Really mostly Well, we watch Star Trek. Oh my god, you know what we loved. We loved Strange New Worlds. And Picard. And the first two seasons of discovery. We haven’t seen the last few seasons of Discovery. We’re trying to catch up on that. But Strange New Worlds was really good. I really, really loved that. Its number one is played by Rebecca Romjin. Yeah. Anyway, she’s great. And they left us on a cliffhanger with her. And it was awesome because in the original show, the original series didn’t get picked up because it was quote-unquote too inclusive. So, the producers or the movie studio had a fit because number one was a female. And there was all these different races of people playing different characters that had power and control, so the doctor was a black man, and you know, things like that. So, it’s interesting to me that they’re able to go back and redo the original series kind of characters and carry through with that as Gene Roddenberry had wanted to have done now. He’s no saint, either. He made a lot of mistakes in his life. But his shows the Roddenberry shows, and the ones that are influenced by Roddenberry are very much dedicated to a positive future, not a dystopian future, which is what I see a lot of the Snark doing. It’s a lot of, you know, dystopian, and it’s not going to be okay, and oh, my God, it’s going to be awful. Whereas the Roddenberry shows and people like him are more like, there’s hope. There’s hope it’s going to get better. There’s look; there’s inclusiveness. Look, there’s no glass ceiling anymore. Look, it’s going to be okay. Oh, who has not put up with, you know, that kind of thing.

So, anyway, so there is that? Are there any other questions and it doesn’t have to be on TV or movie shows. Any other questions, guys? Oh, yeah, no, calling yourself evil or not evil. Crazy. No, calling yourself crazy. Yeah. Okay, where’s the question? When I’m trying to set boundaries, I word vomit to protect, disappear before you can read it. And it comes off as criticism. How can you better approach?

Kris Godinez 29:10
Okay, so when you have to speak up for yourself, you need to practice it comes with practice. So, what I encourage my clients to do is to write things out. So last week, we talked about writing it out. John, there’s another one. So, I encourage writing it out. Practicing in the, in the shower. So, if I have to do a confrontation, like if I have to confront somebody or something, I will practice in my head what I’m going to say so I make sure that I’m hitting the points. The other thing that you can do, too, is bullet point. I want to make sure I talked about this, this, this and this so if it’s something that needs to be addressed its behavior, you write it out bullet point and be like, okay, I feel angry, hurt, disrespected whatever, when and then you name the behavior. And here’s what I’d like to see. You know, here’s the here’s the solution to that. So that’s one way to clarify it and not do vomit and not do word salad and not over-explain, which is actually what we’re going to be talking about. Not next week, but the week before. So, yeah, so that’s what I would do. Okay, there’s two questions. California Adventure and Lego.

Kris Godinez 30:36
Never been to Lego Land. I’ve never been to Lego Land. I really, really, really want to go now. What I heard about Lego Land is that it’s more for little kids. Like little kids. I love California Adventure because I love the rides there. So, I can’t tell you about Lego Land. With the other one. Psychologists often displayed nervous tics. They can. My therapist can’t sit still and keeps vision. That’s kind of weird. Not being able to sit still and fidgeting that is kind of strange. So um, yeah, psychologists can have nervous tics You bet. But if it’s disturbing your therapy then get a different, get a different therapist. That’s the best thing I can say. If they’re if they’re fidgeting, and they can’t sit still, then yeah, get a different therapist. Do you ever go to Palm Springs. Yes. I love Palm Springs. Love it. But only the wintertime is too hot in the summertime don’t go into summertime don’t come to Phoenix in the summertime either. Gone. It’s going to be 101 When we get back tomorrow, so not looking forward to that.

Any shows that you’d recommend as offering out realistic look at rental? I mean, honestly, I think Shameless did a good abusive dad. Yeah, Shameless. Yeah, Shameless would be good. Any other ones? I can’t think I’d have to go research that I know. There were ones out there.

Did you ever check out six flags? Yes, we used to go and handle. I’m not kidding you guys. Disney’s about my speed at the moment. I did the money. I didn’t cry. I was very proud of myself. But the last time I went to Six Flags. I went on the Colossus with John or John. And I was sobbing. I just didn’t I don’t…I can do teacups. I could do teacups. I could do Matterhorn, but I can’t do Six Flags. No way.

What is the quickest way to move on from a narcissistic relationship? Ooh, okay. So, the quickest way to move on from a narcissistic relationship is you have to remind yourself, this person is never going to change ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. They’re never going to change. They’ve shown you who you are, who they are. And you need to remember who you are. Absolutely. 110%. So, basically, one of the ways that I tell my clients to deal with it is you tell yourself they are dead to you. Like seriously, you were in love with an illusion that did not really exist. So that illusion is dead. I know it’s awful. But that’s the best way to start reminding yourself that this was an illusion and it’s dead. It’s no longer there. And that person that’s walking around sounding like the person you love is not real. It’s not real. So, getting with a good therapist, writing it out, journaling, reading CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, the Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker, The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, all of those are excellent ways to help you get over the abusive relationships.

So, here’s the deal, guys. You’re in our public spaces. Yay. So, here’s the deal. It’s not only grief, but you’re also not only grieving the loss of the relationship, but you’re also grieving the loss of the illusion of the person that they pretended to be when they hooked you with love bombing. That’s why it’s called complicated grief. Now, regular grief, losing a regular relationship, you know, just didn’t work out you guys parted ways. Probably about a year, two years maybe to get over. But with a complicated relationship where there is abuse, this physical, verbal, mental, emotional, physical, religious, that takes about three years because you have to get through to the first year or the first you know, okay, now I’m not with this person, and oh my gosh, I missed that illusion. And I missed that. What we had or what I thought we had, and you know, this that the other thing, but then the second year, it’s like, okay, this is the new normal. And then the third year is when you’re finally kind of back on your feet. And so complicated grief is complicated, so give yourself time, but you cannot allow your brain to take a nice little trip down memory lane and be like, Oh, but, they’re so wonderful. Oh, but I missed them. Oh, I missed that. Well, you may miss the love bombing, but the devalue in the discard no. So, journal get with a good trauma therapist. Absolutely. Yeah.

What stage do you cut out flying monkeys who continue the relationship with the Narcissists? Here’s the deal, guys, if somebody is siding with a flying monkey, they’re gone. You don’t even get, you know, here’s the thing. Flying Monkeys are one of two things. They are ignorant. They just don’t understand. They don’t they don’t get how narcissists think or move or whatever. Or they are minor narcissists themselves. So, what you can do is you can educate them, hey, this person abused me, they did this, this, this, this, and this. And if they still continue to relay messages, side with them, etc. Or if they do the whole Oh, we’re Switzerland, we’re not going to take sides, that’s when you cut them off. Cut them off. As soon as they show you who they are. Cut them off. There’s a couple of questions. I think you might want to check to talk more about Wednesday.

Kris Godinez 36:06
Hold on. There was a question that just popped up and I lost it. You got it? Oh, like it shows you to recommend about emotional abuse. Okay, so the shows I’d recommend for describing emotional abuse or parental abuse or things like that. Let me talk about that on Wednesday because I’m seriously on my phone with a bunch of screaming kids around me. And beeping and noise. So, let me talk about that on Wednesday, that would be good.

And then there was a how to deal with cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance, okay. So cognitive dissonance is where incoming information does not match what we want to believe. So, when somebody who is under the thrall of an abuser is confronted with, hey, this person is abusing you. This is what they’re doing, the person will get confused because incoming information is not matching the gaslighting that the abuser has told them, and they will turn on the messenger. And they’ll basically be like, you know, you’re wrong, you’re this You’re that you, you’re just jealous. You don’t want me to be with this person, bla. So, if you’re dealing with cognitive dissonance yourself, keeping a journal of what is said, and what’s real, can help. Because then when the abuser comes in and starts gaslighting you and saying, Oh, I never said that, or I never did that. And you flip back to your journal, and you’re like, Oh, my God, yes, they did. That’ll help start clearing out the cognitive dissonance. The problem of it is, is that it’s the inner child. So Inner Child Workbook by Catherine Taylor, or by Lucia Cappacchione. Either one is a really good idea to work on, because the inner child is the one that’s going but I want to believe, you know, but I want to believe that well, the incoming information is showing you that they’re not who they said they were. So, I would start working with a therapist. Honestly, cognitive dissonance is really a tough one to break, but not impossible. So, part of the way is to keep a journal so you can go back for reference. So, when you’re starting to get gaslit, you can go back and go, No, this is what happened. I’m not crazy. I’m not you know; they are this way. So, there’s that.

Okay. Years ago; my ex was spending time with the neighbor when I wasn’t around. And she likely cheated and left before Wow and had a kid and then split. She found him dead. The other part of me feels bad that he died alone. The part of me is still angry at him and doesn’t feel bad. Should I feel guilty? Oh, don’t feel guilty. Sweetheart. You know what? Here’s the deal. You did not kill him. Okay. You had anger towards him justified. But there’s such a thing as righteous anger, okay. Anger, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. It’s what we do with it that makes it either helpful or harmful. So, if we internalize the anger, that’s harmful. If we externalize the anger and take it out on somebody, that’s harmful. If we simply have the thought, Jesus Christ, I’m glad that son of a bitch is dead, that’s not a bad thing. That’s not a bad thing. It is what it is. You know what I’m saying? So, no guilt, no guilt, no guilt. Now, if you actively went to go kill the person, then yes, I would say Oh, my God, but no, just thinking the thought it’s a thought. It’s nothing more than a thought. It’s if we act on it or not that makes it harmful or vote or help. So does that I hope that answers your question. You have nothing to feel guilty about. If somebody has wronged you. Or there’s a Shakespeare quote, if you if you if you prick us, do we not bleed? If you wronged us Do, we, not revenge? You know, it’s that kind of thing. So, you got your revenge without having to do anything. And there’s a part of you that feels guilty about that because you probably wanted the guy dead. So, you just kind of acknowledged like he’s dead. Yeah, and boy, howdy, that’s Karma is a bitch. And don’t feel guilty about it. Don’t feel guilty.

Is it common for the narcissist to have you diagnosed as the dangerous narcissist? They can. They absolutely can’t. So, the narcissist story will always be that you’re the abuser, always, it will always be, you’re the problem, you’re wrong, you’re bad, you’re this, they will go to a therapist that doesn’t know what they’re doing and try to get you diagnosed, or the cops, lawyers, etc. So, this is why oh my gosh, this is why divorce from these Jack wagons. The kindest thing I can say is so dicey because, yeah, they are going to go on a smear campaign like nobody’s business. So, you’ve got to be prepared for that. Now, this is something I want to talk more about. Not next week, but the week after, I want to talk more about not oversharing, stop oversharing. So, when we get accused unjustly of x, y, and z, that little kid inside of his pops up and goes but but, but I’m not. But no, that’s not right. But we start trying to defend ourselves.

Think of it like boxing, okay? The narcissist wants to get you on the ropes. They want you to be in a defensive position. Okay? Don’t, don’t defend yourself. It doesn’t matter. Their opinion of you is not going to change. It’s not. So, you got to stop trying to defend yourself. When you divorce one of these people, they are going to go on a smear campaign. They are going to try to paint you as the bad guy. This is why documentation is so important. If you didn’t watch my show last week, go back and watch it. It’s all about documentation. Go to thehotline.org, which is the National Domestic Violence Hotline. And it has an outline for how to document abuse. And that’s going to serve you well when you go to divorce. Okay, there was another question. Don’t, have it? Oh, yeah.

When leaving, the narcissist will promise what they know, what you want, and what they were doing. Even if you do stay, they won’t follow through when we fall for the repeated lie. Because of the inner child. So, my suggestion would be good with a good therapist and work on the inner child. So, most of us, not all, but most of us who have been in abusive relationships have an inner child that got damaged, hurt, harmed, etc. And so, the narcissist marches in and goes, Oh, I’m your fantasy, which is why I’m saying these TVs and movie shows and books and things that promote that kind of thinking are dangerous for us, basically, on your fantasy. I’m on your perfect, mate. Look at me on perfect. I’ve got everything you said you want it, you know, and they’ll do it for a little bit. But then, as soon as the hooks are in, and they know they’ve got you. They don’t, and they they continue to do the whole Oh, I’m going to give you what you want. Oh, I’m going to you know, I’m going to make it. I’m going to make it good. I’ll do this. We’ll do, and then they never do. So yeah, that’s, that’s part of their game. And it keeps us hooked because we know we would follow through on our promises. Listen to me now, believe me later. This is important. We would follow through on our promises, and we expect them to be as honorable. They have no…. They have no honor. They’re not going to follow through on their promises. Promises are a means to an end. They’re bait to hook us to get us to do what they want. So, it’s a little kid going, but you know what they promised? Yeah, they were a healthy normal person, they would follow through on their promises. You’re only as good as your word. So, there it is. All right. missed one. So, we’re basically saying, I feel like I need 50 or 500.

Kris Godinez 43:50
How many red flags. Okay, so I’ve done several videos on red flags, several videos on red flags. It’s really a matter of self-esteem. So, if you have good self-esteem, you will not put up with red flags. So, what my recommendation is, sit down. Write out your list of deal breakers. What are your deal breakers? What should you never put up with? So, let’s start. Disrespect. So, what does disrespect look like? Disrespect looks like lying, otherwise known as gaslighting, cheating, stealing, manipulation, harming, hurting, making empty promises, and not following through on them. Those are all deal breakers. Now. When somebody has broken a deal breaker, a deal breaker is just exactly that. If somebody breaks that, they are ejected out of the game. Out of the game. You don’t even give them a second chance. And what I see a lot of people doing is, but again, my question to you is, How old are you when you start doing the but, but that’s an inner child issue. So, you do not tolerate. You do not tolerate any bad behavior, the second they break one of those deal breakers, you’d be done. You’d be done. You deserve better. You deserve respect. You deserve love. You deserve truth. You deserve honesty. You deserve integrity. And those Jack wagons don’t have any of them. None.

Next question, that’s it. Okay guys, John’s like I’m tired of sitting here with all these people screaming. All right, so no show next week. But on the 14th, I will be doing stop oversharing and specifically, I want to talk about stop oversharing in regard to divorces and custody cases, and using my family wizard, because we got to stop over sharing with those people. So, I’m going to talk about stop oversharing not next weekend, but the following weekend. Oh, somebody’s having a day. Okay. All right, sweetheart. I got to go. I will figure out how to turn this off. Helped me Obi Wan There we go. Alright, so I will talk to you guys later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.
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