Have you ever had your parent’s voice come flying out of your mouth? Nine times out of ten that happened when you were stressed out, and it was a knee-jerk reaction. What can you do when that happens? Are you aware of all of the bad parenting that your dysfunctional family of origin gave you and how that plays out in your own parenting?

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Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA, or any other therapist for that matter.

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Okay, so a couple of things. Obviously, I am in the car, I am not driving. Thank you very much. John is driving. We are on our way back from our epic “Let’s avoid the heat” trip. Which we did pretty good, but it’s still gonna be what 110 Today, 107, 113 Yay, Phoenix. Anyway, so um, so we’re on the way back to the house, we’re probably gonna get to the house in the middle of all this. So just bear with me during the craziness as we unload the dogs. So. All right, a couple of announcements I wanted to make. I will be doing my next meet and greet in Salt Lake City. Those tickets are available on me. Hey Andrea, those tickets are available on KrisGodinez.com. So I will be in Salt Lake City if you wish to go see me there, and we’ll have a good chat and all that sort of good stuff. I haven’t come up with the next one after that. The one that I do have planned is in Florida. So that will be on December 2 will be in Florida. August 26 will be Salt Lake City. So, if you want to get your tickets go get ‘em because I’m trying to figure out how to pack let me know alright?

Current event, so I wanted to talk about the strike the AFTRA, SAG, writer strike etc. etc. I am 100% for it. I am remembering I my degree my bachelor’s degree is in theater arts. So, my heart lives with the actors. So, I agree with them. I think what they’re fighting for is right. As much as I love Bob Iger, he makes what did they say, 73 million a year or something like that, something ridiculous. And he’s complaining about them wanting to be compensated for their likenesses and their voices and things like that. Part of the issue is that they’re saying the AI can mimic their appearance and mimic their voice, and not cool man pay them for it. That’s weak. That’s how do you wouldn’t demand that your dentist work for free. Why are they demanding that actors work for free? Do you see where I’m going with that? And if you want to know why I support unions, read the jungle by Upton Sinclair. It’s all about the meatpacking industry in the early 1900s. And how brutal it was, and how they didn’t care about the workers. They didn’t care whether somebody got hurt. They didn’t care if they fell into the machines or got ground up into hamburger meat. So, it’s a really good book. So, I would strongly suggest reading it. Workers need to be valued. Their work needs to be valued, no matter what their work is. It’s like I have this sense that some of these narcissists who were CEOs are like, Oh, well, you know, you’re just a this. So, therefore, you don’t need compensation. Well, that’s a real narcissistic attitude. That even the people who are fixing our food have value, and they are valuable to us because they provide a service, pay them enough to make enough to get an apartment and have a car and pay for gas. That’s all they’re asking. So anyway, that is my current event. And there you have it, why I support you.

So, I’m all right today. We are talking about bad parenting. So, I think there is not a survivor out there. That came from a narcissistic family that hasn’t experienced bad parenting, and we tend to pick up fleas from that. So, I just want to validate that our go to our knee-jerk reaction when we’re super triggered. And we’re super upset and very emotional is going to probably be one of the things that our parents did to us. So, first of all, I just want you to acknowledge that that’s going to happen. It’s going to happen we’re going to have Please. So, something to think about. And this isn’t bad parenting. This is just. This is just kind of an FYI. When we have kids, okay. And our children hit the age that we were, when we got abused, we’re going to find ourselves triggered like nobody’s business, and we may or may not be able to put together why. So that is just something to think about is that when we have children and our children hit the age that we were, when we were abused, we’re going to get triggered, and everything is going to be very, very hyper, hyper vigilant, hyper aware, triggering, etc., etc. Sometimes when we get triggered, we are going to have our parents pop out of our mouth. So, but the difference between a bad parent and a good parent, a good parent, as soon as they know that their parents have popped out of their mouths, they are going to go, Oh my gosh, that was my mom. That was my dad, that is not you. I am so sorry. Let me make amends. I want to make sure you’re okay, that wasn’t okay for me to yell at you, or whatever. Do you see where I’m going? Whereas a bad parent just does the behavior doesn’t own, it doesn’t take ownership, doesn’t try to make sure the kid is not getting damaged. Does that make sense?

So, one of the things so basically, forgive yourself, it’s going to happen. You know, when we come out of these abusive relationships, especially family of origin, we’re going to have fleas, we’re going to do things that our parents did or said, but as soon as you catch it, you make amends, fix it, you make sure the kid is okay. Mentally and emotionally, physically, whatever. And you make sure that it doesn’t happen again. You nail down that flea. Squish that flea. So bad parenting. I want to talk about some things I have seen parents, bad parents, narcissistic parents do in divorce and not divorce and in staying with the abuser, etc., etc. So, what somebody asked me a question, can you talk more about narcissistic mothers and emotional incest? Okay, so emotional incest does not just happen with narcissistic mothers. It also happens with narcissistic fathers; it can happen to either sex of the child can either be the son or the daughter doesn’t matter. And what emotional incest is, is it the parent, the narcissistic parent, or the disordered parent, dumps into the kid, all of this emotional stuff, so they use the kid as a confidant, or they use the kid as a counselor, or they use the kid as a secret sharer. You know, they tell the child about the affair that they’re having. But don’t tell mommy, don’t tell daddy, whatever. Or they overshare they tell the child way too much about what’s going on. You know, my mom did that a lot. They use the child as a counselor, try to get them to fix their problems, etc., etc. So that is emotional. incest that is absolutely emotional incest.

So, you want to make sure that you’re not oversharing with your kids. And if you have a parent that is doing that, they will continue to do that no matter how old you are. You’ve got to be the one to put a stop to it. You’ve got to be the one that says nope, no more, we’re not doing this. I’m not listening. This is not my job. I can’t handle this; I can’t deal with this. You know, you need a therapist, here’s the number, you know, that kind of thing. So bad parents will do that. And you’ve got to realize that parents will be bad parents until the day they die. They don’t stop. They just don’t. If they’re narcissists, they don’t stop. If they’re not narcissists, you know, they can, they can have some growth, okay? But, if they’re truly disordered, and if they’re truly harming, and if they’re truly doing things like emotional incest, they don’t ever stop. They will never ever stop being inappropriate and what they say or what they do, or you know, how much they overshare or things like that. So, for us, when we’re faced with a bad parent, a parent who’s just inappropriate, you have to be the one to put the brakes on it. You’ve got to be the one to go thank you for wanting to share this with me. I am not interested in being your secret holder. I am not interested in being your therapist. Here’s the name of a therapist. And if you continue, this conversation is over. Now, they’re not going to like it. They’re not absolutely 110%. Remember, it’s a power and control issue. So, they want to make you feel fear, obligation, and guilt. F.O.G. right.

Kris Godinez  09:51

So, if you’re the secret holder going around the corner, okay? If you’re the secret holder, then you’re you’ve got a lot of burden on you on necessarily so. And if you accidentally say something, you know, let something slip, then it’s all your fault. So, for example, and I’ve had this happen, the abuser told one of the teenagers that he was having an affair. And the kid obviously went to the mom and said something, and then the dad and I use that in bunny ears because that’s not a dad. That’s a sperm donor, then blamed the child for the breakup of the marriage. So that’s bad parenting, that is 110%. bad parenting. That’s too much of a burden for the child. Children should not be given adult secrets ever, ever. So, another thing that I see in divorce, besides the emotional incest, is let’s talk about the whole bad-mouthing the other party. Now, a lot of people mistake not bad-mouthing the other party who’s disordered and is abusive, with being quiet and condoning it somehow no, no, no, no, no, no.  There’s a big difference between pointing out behavior and bad-mouthing. Let’s talk about that. So bad parenting is bad-mouthing the other parent, calling them names, putting them down, doing essentially what a narcissist does, right? Name Calling put-downs, discards, devalues, etc. But what you can do is you can point out the behavior. Okay, your mom is doing this. But healthy people do this. Can you see the difference? That’s all you got to do. And that’s not putting them down. That’s not name-calling. That’s not. You’re calling out the behavior. So, you always want to point to the behavior. How are they behaving? What is their behavior? What is going on? Does that make sense? So bad parenting is where obviously parental alienation. But again, what is the motivation of that particular bad parenting thing?

So, let’s talk about this. Most of the time, when narcissists, malignant borderlines, malignant histrionics, etc., do bad parenting, it’s because they have an agenda. Because it’s a power and control. And it’s also maybe I’m abdicating responsibility. So that’s why those parents do what they do. It’s not that they suddenly, you know, decide one day to go through a book, every single stupid thing they could possibly do to a kid, it’s with an intent, there’s, there’s an agenda, there’s something else going on. So, the parental alienation is a power and control issue. The parental alienation is to get that child away from the healthy parent and siding with the abuser because then they can go…Hah! See, my child loves me more than you. That is not healthy parenting. Healthy parenting is the kid loves both. But the kid probably sees that there’s issues with one of the parents. That’s healthy parenting. So, it’s not a matter of getting them on your side, it’s not a matter of win-lose, you know, because that’s black and white thinking that’s splitting. And narcissists always have to win. And that’s why they do parental alienation. It’s not because they love their child and they want all of their attention all the time. Nine times out of 10, what I see happening is they do the parental alienation. They get the child full-time, either legally, or the child just says I don’t want to go over anymore. Because, you know, dad or mom says you did this, that the other thing and the child chooses to stay with the abuser. But then once they get the child, they start giving up time with them, or they don’t spend time with them, or they slough them off onto a babysitter or they, you know, start complaining about how expensive they are or whatever. And eventually, what I’ve also seen is that kid go back to the other parent and just go, okay, I get it, I saw it firsthand, I see this now, you know what I’m saying. But that’s with a with an abuser. Its parental alienation is a power and control issue. It’s a, I’m going to take something away from you, that is valuable and will hurt you. That’s what this is about. It’s not about spending time with the kid. They could care. They couldn’t care less about. Because they don’t, they don’t if they really truly cared about their child, they would make sure that there was not parental alienation going on.

Now. caveat, here’s another part of bad parenting that I’ve seen. And a lot of people coming out of abusive relationships do this. But it’s important for my child to be with that parent. Full stop. If that parent is abusive, and that parent is not wanting to spend time with that kid, count your lucky stars and take that child and spend as much time with that child if you possibly can, as you possibly can. Because here’s the deal. Narcissists really don’t care. And what I’ve seen also in bad parenting is the divorce will go through. They weren’t really around during the marriage. But then the divorce goes through. And suddenly, they’re gone. The abuser is gone. They’re off trying to find new supply. They’re off with maybe their new family. And they basically ignore the children from the first marriage. That’s what happened with my dad, with his kids. You know, when he married my mom, suddenly, my sisters and I were all, you know, all the thing, and the other two got ignored. So, um, and that’s bad parenting. You don’t do that when you have a kid; you have a kid for life. Like you know even when my mom was in her late 80s, and I was in my 50s, I am in my 50s, the early 50s. You know, she still was like, You’re going to, you’re going to come visit, I love seeing you. Let’s hang out, I miss you. You know, it’s like, she was still parenting me. She was still trying to parent me. And in a good way, not in a bad way. And, but narcissists give up time with their kids. They don’t want to spend time with them, sometimes not all the time sometimes. And they will abandon the child. And instead of going, what a godwink, some parents out of a mistaken thought or idea that that child needs that parent. No, no, no, madam. No, sir. They do not. If they are abusive and that parent has given up time. Thank Your Lucky Stars. You spend that time you mark down how many days are giving up, and then eventually you go back, and you file for full custody, or you file for more child support or whatever it is that you need. So yeah, so bad parenting is based in agendas, okay? It’s an agenda. It’s not what is for the greater good of the kid. It’s always me, me, me I, I, I, more, my genitals. It’s never about what is good for the child. So, I think that is the biggest thing that I see with narcissists and the behaviors that they Hello, the behaviors that they do. So, let’s see. Okay, and because I’m kind of on my own, I’m going to try to do the questions as they come up.

Do narcs tell the child secrets in the hopes that the child would tell the other parents so that they can punish the child? Yes. 110% the other parent so they can. Okay, it turns out, it seems the narc is always looking for a reason to show off and to punish. Yes, 110%. Again, there’s always an agenda. There’s always a game. Always, always, always. There’s always, you know, what’s in it for them. And because they are sadists, bad parents, narcissistic parents absolutely do trick the kids into doing something that will piss off the parent, so they have an excuse to punish them either verbally, or physically or emotionally because that’s just what these wankers do. Mostly, what I see with narcissistic parents. And this is another thing that damages the child incredibly is that they make the child responsible for them; they make the child responsible for their happiness, for their sadness for their being alone; they become parentified the child. So that’s bad parenting. parentified the child is horrible, because it puts, again, an undue burden on that kid to be responsible for things that their little brains cannot be responsible for.

Kris Godinez  18:42

And I’ve seen them parentify children as young as four, like, Oh, you’re four years old, you’re old enough to watch the younger child Nuhu wrong. Okay, I see a question.

Okay. How do you find trust and security after growing up in a chaotic, addicted household, okay? Trust insecurity starts here. It starts with you. You must be able to trust yourself. You must be able to be secure in yourself. And out of that, you will recognize people who are trustworthy versus people who are not trustworthy its trusting your gut. So, my suggestion would be getting The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. That’s, okay that’s another bad parenting. They don’t give us self-esteem. In fact, they give us the opposite. They give us low esteem, they, they teach us to not like ourselves. They teach us to put ourselves down. How we are spoken to as children is what then becomes our inner critic. Let me say that again. How we are spoken to as children becomes our inner critic. That’s what we hear. It just keeps getting spewed out just like, you know, my dad’s big thing was oh, you’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re cute. You’re stupid, right?

And it’s overcoming those messages, so it’s going to be working on your self-esteem. Self Esteem  workbook, Glen Schiraldi. The Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker getting rid of that codependency, The Inner Child Workbooks any of them, I don’t care go grab them work them, because we’re having to undo all of the mistaken thoughts and the mistaken beliefs that our abusers gave to us all of those nasty things they said to us, become our inner dialogue. So, we have to speak to ourselves with absolute kindness and absolute clarity and absolute. What’s the word? I’m looking for? Compassion and gentleness.

Question, Should I run away screaming from these red flags? Yes. If there’s, if there’s red flags, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. If you’ve got enough red flags that it’s starting to look like a communist parade, it’s time to get out. And actually, you want to train yourself so that even when there’s one red flag, you’re like, Okay, I know that one. See, ya wouldn’t want to be ya, you know what I’m saying? So yeah, you absolutely when you start seeing lots and lots of red flags, and there’s no movement or work on their part. They’re a narcissist, because even autistic people work on themselves, okay. They know when they’ve heard somebody, and they don’t like it. narcissists, on the other hand, enjoy it. So that’s kind of that kind of goes with that question that I had last week about autism versus narcissism. Autistic people can be very self-centered or very unemotional. Like, they don’t recognize emotions. But they can work on that. And that changes with them. With narcissists. It does not. So, if somebody is intentionally being avoidant, intentionally not sharing the emotional burden of whatever is going on. That’s a huge red flag. That is a huge red flag, especially if you’ve talked to them about it. And they’re still like, nope, nope, nope, nope, I’m not going to. I’m not going to participate because I’m feeling overwhelmed or threatened, or I don’t know what to do with it. So yeah, you want to be aware of red flags. And you definitely want to pay attention to them, and you want to act on them. You don’t want to just sit there and take it. I’m saying, Okay, so where was I? Okay, bad parenting.

Another thing that bad parents do that narcissists do when the narcissist abandons the kids, so like, makes it clear that they’ve chosen the second family makes it clear that that child is not important to them. And the reason it’s dark in here is because we have all the shades shut, trying to keep it cool. That child starts thinking that they’re not worth it, that, you know, obviously, I have no worth, or my mom or my dad would pay attention to me. So, this is where a lot of abandonment issues come in. So um, I would strongly recommend, again, get with a good trauma therapist if you had parents that called your names, prentified  you put you down, made you feel responsible. ignored you, or shared over shared, that’s all trauma, that is all trauma, all of the bad parenting that we had to put up with any and all of that is trauma. And we are going to get triggered, and we are going to if we don’t work on it if we’re not conscious about it, we start acting it out unconsciously. And you don’t want to do that. That’s why we tend to be attracted to people. That’s why the inner child does the picking. It’s why I keep saying the pickers broken. picker. Okay, hold on.

Is it common for a narcissistic mother to have lost? To have lots of children as a way for security and old age? Yes. 100%. My late narc mother expected children to look after her in her old age and became aggressive when we didn’t yes, that you know what? If you ever watched the movie Like Water for Chocolate, it’s an old movie 1990s. Like Water for Chocolate is all about a family who had these very strict roles that they had to play and generationally in that particular movie. The youngest child was assigned the role of never marrying and staying single and taking care of the mom. That was the role of the youngest child and I’m like, I wouldn’t run away. So it basically, the movie is all about how the youngest child rebels and falls in love, and of course, it has a tragic ending because it was an Academy Award winner what Academy Award winner doesn’t have a tragic ending? Anyway, great movie and that really shows how generational trauma, and it also shows the very confining roles that children are given by a narcissistic mother, so I strongly recommend that one. It’s called Like Water for Chocolate it is in Spanish, I think there is a dubbed version, but I don’t like dubbed versions because they always get it wrong. So, I like the What am I trying to say? The subtitles, thank you the subtitles, because you know, then you can kind of read along and, and all of that. So um, yes, they do have children in order to take care of them. Again, that is giving the child a job that is not theirs.

So, let’s talk a little bit more about that. Another bad parenting thing is that narcissists and disordered people will have children for absolutely the wrong reason. So, they’ll say, Oh, I’m going to have this baby to save my marriage. Please don’t, please, no, no, that is not the thing to do. So, giving a child a job before they’re even born is abusive and not fair. That’s not that kid’s job to save the marriage. Again, too much pressure onto a little one. That’s not their job. Plus, the fact children are extremely stressful to have if you’ve got a narcissistic partner, that partner will be jealous of that child, I can guarantee 110% they will demand that the mom pay attention to the narcissist rather than the new baby. And the baby will be left to cry in the crib. That’s what happened with one of my sisters. They’ll be ignored. They’ll be, you know, a burden you they’ll be, you know, etc., etc., etc.

Okay, can you talk about the Barbie parent one of uses and the other does nothing? Okay, I did a video on this a couple of weeks ago that very quickly. It’s really a frustrating situation. What will happen is that the enabler, let’s call him an enabler rather than a Barbie parent. An enabler will allow the abuse to happen, knows that the abuse is going on. And they’ll do absofreakinlutely, zip. And it’s because of their inner child. Well, but if I intervene, they’ll come after me. But if I intervene, they will punish me. That’s literally what they’re thinking. My mom did the same thing. I think I talked about this, you know, she knew point blank, my dad was abusing me, and I talked about it in my book, What’s Wrong with Your Dad, available on Amazon and audible. But I talked about how she was standing at the window one time he sexually molested me. And she knew what happened. And she was like, well, we don’t want to piss him off. Because, well, you know, we need the money. And what would we do without the money and da, da, da,. And I’m sitting here going, you know, now knowing her family history going, Wow, that was your inner child. So, it gives the message loud and clear that you’re not worth it to protect. That’s really what that saying to that kid. And that’s abusive. It is. Because the message is I’m more worried about me. And I’m not going to put myself out to protect you. So that then sets us up for a lifelong issue with abuse if we don’t work on our self-esteem, which is why I’m saying Self-Esteem Workbook Glen Schiraldi all the start working it because what our parents or non-protecting parents did or did not do had everything to do with them. And absolutely nothing to do with us. 110%.

Kris Godinez  28:39

So yeah, it just is crazy. And then let’s talk about incest, incest. So, my dad molested me. There are mothers, narcissistic mothers that they don’t parentify, they the only word I can hear in my head is they Babyize. That’s not it. But they make the child a child. They take away… infantilize. There we go. They infantize, I’m sorry, it’s been a really long day. We’ve been driving forever. I’m glad we’re home.  So, they infantize the child. That’s another way. So, they tell the child that they’re not competent. They don’t allow the child to cross the street on their own. They don’t allow the child to pick their own friends. They don’t allow the child to have a bank account. They don’t allow the child to learn how to manage money. They don’t allow the child to fill in the blank. And if you take that a step further, the really psychopathic ones turn those kids into second spouse so they will resist allowing the child having their own bedroom and own space and there was one I dealt with where we were just about to call CPS because they refused to get the kid who’s a teenager, their own bed, and I was like I know that technically CPS won’t find anything wrong with that, but knowing who this person is I have tons of issues with that. So um, yeah, absolutely.

Um, Why do narcissists talk about the person to others? The people who are wise to the narc think he’s odd, but it doesn’t seem like he sees that. No, of course, they… so narcissists are all about… it’s a popularity contest, okay, it’s a win or lose popularity contest, I must win, I must have the most likes, I must have all the friends, I must have everything. So, everything is black and white to them… all good, bad, nothing, you know, nothing, everything. You just see where I’m going with that. It’s like very split in their thinking. So, they start trying to gather flying monkeys to them. So, they will literally have seen them call up the parent of the sane spouse and start complaining to the parent about their child, fully expecting that parent to agree with them. Yeah, they’re. They’re cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. I’m not even kidding you. So, it’s a popularity contest. And it’s a I must win at all costs and smear campaign, and with the smear campaign, they absolutely want to cast aspersions on your character. So, they’re trying to make you untrustworthy, you know, they’re going to lie about you. They’re going to say you did X, Y, and Z when you didn’t. It also helps them look like the victim. Oh, this person did this that and the other thing to me, poor me, boohoo. And they get to play the victim. So, narcissists can flip between the different types of narcissism, they can be the victim, and then other times they can be grandiose, you know, so it just kind of depends.

Okay, trigger warning question. Can a parent molest you without touching you? Yes. That’s verbal incest. That is emotional incest. Sexual talk demanding hugs or touch. Yes, that makes 100% sense. So even though they don’t touch you. And this is something my dad would do. He would always tell the filthiest, and I mean, absolutely disgusting, inappropriate jokes in front of me or to me and expect me to be like, Oh, that’s funny. And so yeah, it is a grooming technique. This is what sexual abusers do is they groom. And they say things like that to gauge your reaction to see how resistant you are to that. So yeah, this is that’s a grooming technique. That’s abuse. 110%.

Okay, question. narcissist is like a small child themselves? Yeah, because they’re about two, seriously. When you’re looking at a narcissist, emotionally speaking, they are operating about at a two-year-old, if not below level. Is that part of the reason they infantilize their targets? No, that is not part of the reason. They infantilized their targets for power and control. If you can make somebody less than what they could possibly be, if you could make them doubt themselves, if you can make them dependent on you for literally everything, you win the war, that kid will never grow up, never move out, never get their own stuff. Never have a boyfriend or a girlfriend never grow. And so, it’s intentional. Again, everything they do is with an agenda. Their agenda for infantilizing is to have all the power so that you never leave them. It’s an automatic lifetime supply for their ego. So, it’s the narcissistic supply 110%. So bad parents. In contrast, good parents, their whole job is to get that child self-sufficient. Self-esteem, self-empowered self, what’s the word I’m looking for? It’s like they’re ambitious. They want to go. They love mom and dad, they want to visit, they want to, you know, visit the mom and dad, but they also want to go explore, and they want to go test out the waters and try the world and see what’s going on. So, a good parent allows that child to discover who they are and gives them the wings to fly. So, it’s not just you know, punting them out of the nest of 18 and go fly bitch. You know, it’s like, no, it’s like, here’s your wings. You know how to use them. We’re right here if you need us. Come have fun exploring, write when you get work, you know, like that kind of thing.

Okay, so given that the inner critic comes from the harmful parental messages, what do you think of the idea? I heard EMDR about befriending my inner critic. I think it’s a technique. I don’t think it would have worked for me. But if that works, then great, do it. You know, me coming from a CBT background. For me, it’s very helpful. And it’s very what’s the word I’m looking for? Cathartic. To really put that inner critic back where it belongs, it’s like, Oh, Hello, Bob, this is not my thought. This is not me. This is my dad’s bs. And guess what? Jackwagon I’m handing it right back to you. So, for me, the anger is cathartic. And you could be friend to the inner critic and try to help them but I kind of feel like that would be trying to befriend the abuser and trying to help them, but you know, if it works, great. If it doesn’t work, you tell your therapist and go nope. And going back to doing it this way. Or whatever works for you. Or if it works, Hazzah all you know that for me personally, it’s I love Pete Walker’s candidate back candy that is not ours. It was not our luggage, put it back on the carousel, it’s not ours. So that is hugely important. And you’d rather not befriend, either. Okay, good. Well, when you tell your therapist that because honestly, that’s kind of like befriending the abuser. Because that negative stuff came from the abuser. That’s nothing. I wouldn’t be friends with that. That’s something that you kick out. That is something… exorcise it. Gone, be gone, be gone. Not today’s Satan. You know that kind of thing.. But you hand it back to the person belongs to it’s, not yours. You don’t need it. It’s not yours. You don’t have to be friends with you don’t. You need to recognize it and go yup. That’s not my thought. That’s my mom. That’s my dad. That’s my grandparents. That’s whoever. Guess what I’m handing that thought  right back.  So, there is that.

Kris Godinez  36:54

Alright, so bad parenting, any and all of the things that we went through as kids, any and all of it. And if you will notice, the main theme for all of it is an insane lack of respect. They do not… bad parents do not respect themselves. But they also don’t respect their kids. And the kids are seen as an extension of them which they are not. They are their own little being or they are seen as a burden. So again, it’s that split thinking it’s like, you know, good bad, black, white, all nothing. So, the kids are a mini me, which is not good. And they try to turn them into the golden child and put them into these neat little boxes. That’s bad parenting.

Or, oh God, here’s something else I’ve seen narcissists do that. Just it angers me so much. So, the child will be a hugely talented artist, say for example, either singing or arts, or, you know, crafts or painting or theater or whatever. And the parent being jealous and not understanding the art that they are doing, or maybe not liking it, or maybe because they can’t do it tells the child No, they can’t do it. No, you need to do that. No, you want you want this. So, they tell the kid you want something when they don’t want something, and they will redirect the child to go do a different thing. It’s not their thing.

That’s so damaging. I cannot even begin to tell you how damaging that is. So, when you have a child, and you tell that child No, you don’t want that you want this. The kid has got people pleasing going on anyway, that’s setting them up to be even more of a people pleaser, putting themselves completely on the backburner and doing something to support or help or make that parent like them. So, the kid gives up ballet, or dance or art or painting or singing or piano or trombone, or whatever. And they regret it the rest of their lives because they know that that’s what they love to do. And meanwhile, their parent made them go, say for example, go play sports or vice versa. The kid is really good at sports, and they shove him into some sort of art program. It’s like no, you play to the kid’s strength and the kid is athletic and put them on athletic stuff. If the kid is artistic, put them in artistic stuff. That Narcissus cannot listen to me now, believe me later. They cannot tolerate or handle differing opinions. So, if you like something and the narcissist doesn’t understand it, they’re going to insist that you do what they do understand. 110% And that is so damaging to kids because, again, what is the message? The message is my wants and needs are not important. And that’s not okay, because then that makes us grow up into. Oh, no, that’s okay. I’m going to be a martyr, which is not us either. That’s them. That’s the covert stuff. Oh, no, that’s okay. I’m going to put my stuff on the back burner. That’s okay. I don’t need to do that. No, that’s all right. Then you start settling, and where does it stop? That’s a really slippery slope. Because it’s like, you start settling in one area, you’re going to start settling in another, don’t settle. Absolutely. If you are in love with sports, go do it. If you’re in love with the arts, go do it. And it’s never too late to start. And that is something I really, really, truly want to point out. So many clients of mine come to me, and they’re like, Ah, I wish I’d known this when I was 20. I wish I’d known this when I was in my 40s. I wish I’d known this earlier. It’s too late. No, it’s not. Now granted, if you’re a singer, you’re, and you’re in your 50s, you’re probably not going to get on American Idol and go win the thing. But there is nothing to stop you from singing. There is nothing to stop you from performing. There is nothing to stop you from doing local community theater. There is nothing to stop you from playing in local bands. John plays trombone he plays with the Maricopa County, MCC, the community college. He plays with the with the band there. And he also has another band that he goes and plays in Mesa. He loves it. And I encourage it. And that’s what healthy people do. They encourage each other to do the things that they love. If a parent is discouraging a child from doing something they love, oh my God, that’s abuse, that is abuse, it is abuse, it is not letting that kid be that kid and enjoy what they know they enjoy. So, there is that.

And on a smaller scale. Whenever a narcissistic parent tells a child, Oh, you don’t want this, you want that. They’re doing the thinking for them. And that makes the kid dependent on them. And pretty soon, the kid doesn’t know how to do something without that parent. And that’s when you get couples that are very codependent. What do you want for dinner? I don’t know. What do you want for dinner? Well, I don’t know. What do you want for dinner? I can guarantee you if you look at their background, their parents probably were the type that told them what they wanted. And it wasn’t okay for them to express Well, geez, tonight I want Italian. Or geez, tonight. I want Mediterranean Oh, geez, tonight, I want Chinese or geez, tonight…Do you see where I’m going with that. Because then the parent be like No, no, you don’t want that. Because that’s not what I want. Do you see where I’m going with that one?

They do it in the grocery store. I talked about this the other day when a child says, you know, oh, you know, I want that candy bar. Instead of going well, honey, I know you want it, but you cannot have it. We’ll get it maybe next. You’ve been following through on your word. They go no, you don’t want that Candy bar Actually yeah, the kid does want that candy bar. So, what you’re doing is you’re telling the child not to trust their own perception. Is there an agenda behind that? Oh, you betcha. Because then they’re basically saying no, no, you don’t see the pink elephant taking a crap in the corner of the living room. When you do see pink elephant taking a crap and call me. Do you see where I’m going with that? So, they absolutely try to make us doubt ourselves. Make us not trust our own gut. Make us not believe what we see that whole thing. So, all of the things that we went through as kids are bad parenting, and if you notice, the main theme is disrespect. And it’s the agenda. They have an agenda. There’s an agenda behind. There’s 100%. You know, what’s in it for me? How is this going to benefit me? How is this going to make aggrandized me? That’s all of their stuff.

So, good parenting is the polar opposite of bad. It’s lots of compassion, lots of understanding, which narcissists don’t have, lots of reflective listening, making sure that the message is received, lots of good communication. That’s a good parent. So, as we have kids or grandkids or great-grandkids, or whatever, it’s really important to check in and make sure that you’re not getting triggered and that you’re not perpetuating the generational trauma. Just because it happened to you doesn’t mean you have to act it out on another generation.

Okay, do narcs have an evil face? Yes. When I remember my narc, I do not just see her face but something evil in the way she looked. Yeah. 100% 100%. Okay. They put on a mask for a certain amount of time. But when that mask finally slips and falls completely off their true intention. The true intention is It is there. And yeah, they are evil, 110%. And I’m sick and tired of apologists who are like, Oh, they just are like they weren’t loved enough as children. No, no, that’s not the issue there is there’s something missing with them. They’re missing a cog. They do not feel they do not feel love the way that you and I feel love. They have no empathy. They literally they can do the most heinous things and go straight to sleep. Whereas the rest of us, if we do something that we’re we think we’ve harmed somebody, I can guarantee you that we’re sitting up there going, Ah, geez how do I make this right? okay, I’ve got to make this apology. And, wow, I hope I didn’t screw up, you know, and then we go fix it, you know, we face the consequences of making a mistake. Whereas narcissists, they, don’t they? Absolutely, yeah, like, here’s going sideways today. They absolutely don’t face the consequences of what they’ve done. They don’t make apologies that are real. So that’s, that’s another thing, a good parent, when they screw up, the kid acknowledged it, makes amends, and makes sure that it never happens again. So, and that’s, I think the big difference is that bad parenting is ego based. good parenting is self-esteem based.

Kris Godinez  46:31

It’s like, how can I be the best guide to this little one that I’ve been given, so that they grow up with good self-esteem, and they grow up with confidence, and they grow up with listening to their gut, and trusting themselves, etc. So really and doing all of this stuff all boils down to self-esteem, working with the inner children. So Inner Child Workbook, Catherine Taylor is experiential. So that is the one where she has you hold yourself as a baby and rock yourself and see if anything comes up. And then another one is where she has you spread out a blanket and you know, smear food on your head. I actually had fun with that one. But um, you know, and see what comes up and it’s experiential, the Lucia Cappacchione Reclaiming Your Inner Child, is you write the child with the non-dominant hands and the adult with the dominant hands, can you have a conversation back and forth. So whichever one works the best, do that, or you can do both, you know. And it’s funny what you discover working both of them soft; some stuff comes up with the experiential, and the other one comes up with the doing the writing. So, it’s really important to work with the little ones inside and understand that they were victims of bad parenting and that you get triggered because of what happened to them. And sometimes I know people, when they start working with their inner children, they either are feeling anger towards them, or disgust or whatever, and that’s your abusers. That’s not you. That’s your abusers. That little one that you’re having the hardest time with needs your love and needs, your compassion, needs to have their handheld and told, hey, you know what? It’s going to be okay. I love you; I hear you. I hear you. I believe you. I know what you went through. And I’m sorry you had to go through it. And let me just tell you a little one. Nobody’s going to do that to you again because I will break my foot off in their ass, you know what I’m saying? So, you let them know that they’re safe, and you talk to your little one inside of you. So, you can do like guided imagery.

You know, it’s like, you go someplace safe in your head. You call them to you. And you sit them on your lap and hug them and kiss them and say, Hey, I love you, you’re a good little one, I love you. What do you need? Ask them what they need. And nine times out of 10, that little kid is going to say I just need to be protected. Or I just need to be heard. Or I just need to be believed. Let them know I believe you. I will protect you. I am protecting you now. I believe you, I hear you. Absolutely 100%. You’re important to me. And I think that’s important because the message a lot of us got growing up with bad parenting is we didn’t get that message that we were important at all. And we didn’t get that message that we were believed or heard or truly loved, or respected or anything else because the narcissist doesn’t know how to do any of that.

So all right, I think that was pretty much it on bad parenting. If you find yourself, you know, mom or dad come flying out of your mouth. First of all, forgive yourself. It’s going to happen, guys; it’s going to happen. So, when that happens, you just acknowledge it, and you clean it up. And then you do work on that you basically write mom and dad letter and be like, you do not get to come flying out of my mouth anymore, you do not get to hurt another generation. Does that make sense? So, you basically evict them. So CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving Pete Walker, the Self-Esteem Workbook, Glen Schiraldi The Disease to Please Harriet Braiker, Inner Child Workbook, Katherine Taylor, Reclaiming Your Inner Child by Lucia Cappacchione. All of these are going to help you as parents and grandparents, great grandparents, to not keep continuing the generational trauma. And really love that little child inside of you, or those little children different ages inside of you.

So, love that little one inside of you love them. And if disgust or anger or whatever comes up, put it on hold, you can put it on oh my gosh, thank you put it on hold and figure out where that Disgust is coming from because it’s not you. It’s not you. 110% It is not you. That little child did not deserve disgust or anger or blame or, you know, whatever, you’re a burden, whatever they said did not deserve that did not deserve that. So, you undo that. So that’s what people ask. They’re like, Okay, what is re parenting yourself. So, re parenting yourself is confronting that inner critic, writing it out, sending it back to the people it belongs to, but then replacing it with what a good parent would say. So when you’re doing the mirror work, you’re literally talking to your inner child, seriously, you’re talking to your subconscious, you’re talking to the inner child, and you do things like Hey, good to see you have a great day, I give you permission to like yourself, or I give you permission to be competent, or I give you permission to be funny, or I give you permission to have all of your emotions. It’s okay, I’m right here and I got your back. Then you walk out, because that’s what a good parent would say.

So anyway, I think that is it. If there’s any last questions, please let me know because I’m about to put a fork in it for today. It is really hot. So just so we left June 23, we’re back July 23. About three days after we left, we started getting emails from our house sitter it’s hot in here. And because it has been so ridiculously hot in Phoenix, or air conditioner could not keep up. So, we’re keeping it like what 80, 81, 83. Anyway, it’s hot. It’s really. I see I see a new air conditioner in my future. So, thank you guys. Oh my gosh, I’m so anyway, I just want to reaffirm is that we all had if we came from families of origin of a chaotic and abusive and this and that the other thing. We all had bad parenting. And everyone saw that bad parenting is going to come flying out of our mouths. And the difference is we recognize it. And we can do something about it. So, and we can change it and we can clean it up.

Oh, I love you guys too. And you know, that’s something I wanted to tell you guys. I love my fan base. You guys are so awesome. And I really love the fact that we have a community forum where people feel loved and heard, and supported. And thank you, thank you for being loving and concerned and supportive for each other and everybody. So that is awesome. All right, guys. I think that is it. I cannot for the life of me remember what I’m talking about next week. So, I’ll go figure it out. Any questions that I missed I’ll go back through the chat and make sure I caught all the questions, and I’ll answer other questions on Wednesday. So, there is that, all right, my love’s you guys go be awesome. Take good care of yourselves. Drink plenty of water, be careful in this extreme heat if you’re in an area that’s got the extreme heat. And I will talk to you on Wednesday and then we’ll see you on Sunday. Talk to you guys later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.

The post 07-23-2023 Bad Behavior in Parenting appeared first on Kris Godinez.

When a person comes out of an abusive relationship, they almost inevitably have anxiety. When a person is stressed out and at survival the amygdala enlarges and the anxiety increases. The good news is that with mindfulness, the amygdala shrinks.

In this episode of We Need To Talk With Kris Godinez, Kris discusses anxiety and why almost every single survivor of abuse has anxiety. She also discusses what you can do to help mitigate it.

Link mentioned in this episode: Signs of Anxiety, PsychologyToday.com

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Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor, betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

We are not in our normal spot. We are in Trinidad, California, right now. Just enjoying the cool. Can’t say I’m loving Trinidad really a lot. They were not very friendly as far as it comes to dog-friendly restaurants. And then we go to get takeout, and they’re like two hours away from closing, and they’re like up. Nope, we’re busy. We don’t do takeout. And I’m like, You’re a tourist town. Oh, don’t get me started. So, needless to say, I’m not probably going to come back here. But anyway.

Um, current events, let’s talk about current events. So, I was reading today that they are investigating the FDA is investigating another brand of energy drinks. And I just, I cannot stress to you, energy drinks, no bueno for your body, they usually have a lot of caffeine, like something like three or four cans of sodas worth of caffeine. They’ve got like tons of sugar. They have other things in them. You know, it’s really, it’s ooh, it’s not good. And I know a lot of people use the energy drinks because, you know, they’re they need the boosts, they’re super busy, etc., etc., etc. So yeah, it just don’t do energy drinks. They’re not good for you. Not the caffeine is good for you anyway, and I’m guilty of drinking coffee. But it just it’s scary to me when people start getting addicted to the energy drinks. And you know, it causes problems, guys, it does. You don’t want to get addicted literally to anything if you can help it.

So, and I think the biggest concern is that they’re questioning what else is in there besides the huge amount of caffeine, which by the way, if you drink too much caffeine, it can cause heart. What’s it called afibia? No, not afibia. Heart palpitations, it did a Bonguda, Bonguda, Bonguda, Bonguda, and not in a good way. So, um, anyway, just, you know, if you’re drinking those energy drinks, I really encourage you to get off of them. You know, wean yourself off, try something else. Arhythmia. Thank you. That was the word I was looking for. Not Bonguda, Bonguda. Bonguda. And anyway, just, you know, I don’t know, it just it bothers me that companies put stuff into it. And it’s, it’s now getting investigated. I don’t even know the name of the thing. It wasn’t one that was well known. But anyway, it was on the AP, so and I happen to see that, and I was like, oh, and I know a lot of people use energy drinks. So honestly, just don’t do it. Don’t do it. Water is great. And and taking care of yourself. teas are great. You know, coffee if you have to in the morning. And then don’t drink caffeine after like noon, because otherwise, you’re going to be all funky dunky with your sleep schedule. So, all right.

And speaking of which, if you drink too much caffeine, it will create a lot of anxiety because your heart is pounding like crazy. It kind of mimics a panic attack. So, let’s talk about anxiety. So, I named this a case of the nerves because people were asking about anxiety in regard to post traumatic stress disorder. So, post-traumatic stress disorder complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. One of the things it used to be in with the anxiety disorders, which is interesting. Now it’s in with the trauma disorders. So um, one of the things about PTSD is that people get a huge amount of anxiety, we start having nightmares, we start avoiding things that remind us of our abuse. We have panic attacks. So, I want to go into all of that and how to help yourself with that, of course, a sense of foreshortened future, like a sense of doom, that is very common in people that have come out of abusive relationships.

So, let’s excuse me, let’s talk about why. So, first of all, let’s talk about the physical things that are going on when you have anxiety. So basically, what’s going on is your amygdala your amygdala is enlarged, your amygdala is working overtime. And they’ve shown this in study after study after study on anxiety and amygdala is our amygdala is enlarged, and it’s working overtime to try to keep us safe, because we’ve had abuse either from a family of origin or from, you know, romantic partner, a boss, coworker, whatever.

So, the amygdala is job. The amygdala is a little almond-shaped organ that sits about an inch inside of each ear. Its job is to keep us safe, which is normally great. But if it’s enlarged, and we’re hyper-vigilant, meaning we’re looking for danger, looking for danger, looking for danger, looking for danger, where’s the danger? Where’s the danger? This little guy is going to be on steroids, seriously. So, this little guy sits about an inch behind each year. It’s almond-shaped, and when it perceives a threat now, here’s the thing, a threat can be anything to the amygdala because the amygdala cannot tell the difference between an energy drink making your heart pound, okay? Or no, I’m serious. amygdalas are really stupid. They’re like three O’s, oh, my god, stooopid! They cannot tell the difference between heart pounding because of an energy drink. Or a threat, a thought. You think about something threatening. You smell something that reminds you of when you were abused. You hear something, you see something, you taste something, this all makes the amygdala go. OMGOMGOMG! And then, it tells the hippocampus and the hypothalamus to release cortisol. So, cortisol is our stress hormone. So, we start tensing up right, now we’ve cut off the oxygen to our lungs, our heart is pounding, okay, we’re taking in puffy little breaths that don’t go anywhere. racing thoughts, racing heart. And at this point, the brain goes, Oh, my God, oh, my God, we need energy to get out of here. Oh, my God. And it tells another part of the brain, which is a little further down on the brainstem. So, a little bit more reptilian. We need adrenaline we need adrenaline. So, it tells the adrenal gland to release everything at once. So now we’re really shaking like a leaf, racing thoughts racing thoughts pounding heart pounding heart.

Kris Godinez  07:35

And at this point, we do one of two things, we either go into your stereotypical panic attack, which is the print and then we keel over, or we turn into the Incredible Hulk, we get angry, we get really, really, really rageful angry. And it’s a trauma response. It’s a way to keep people away from us, it’s a way to stay safe. The other thing that happens, and we’re going to talk about how to deal with that hold on. The other thing that happens too, is we have this generalized anxiety, we have this generalized sense of doom, you know, like, Oh, I’m not going to live very long or, or, you know, gosh, I just feel like something bad is going to happen. Well, it’s because when we were kids, or when we were with the abuser, something bad happened on damn near a daily basis. So, it’s that, you know, trying to stay safe again, trying to predict what’s going to happen. So, if we go for the negative, and it doesn’t happen, then Oh, good, you know, but if we go for the negative, and it does happen, then, okay, I knew that was going to happen. So, it’s a weird way of keeping ourselves safe.

So, to give you a couple of examples, when I was a child, my dad was literally a loose cannon, like, you never knew which way he was going to go flying across the deck. Okay. And whenever we went someplace new, I threw up because I was such a nervous wreck. I never knew how he was going to behave. Was he going to embarrass us? Was he going to scream at us? Was he going to hit us? Was he going to, you know, do something stupid, you know, and you usually did. So, um, so we get this, you know, anticipation of bad things happening, or we get this generalized anxiety. It’s like, oh, it’s someplace new. I don’t know what’s going to happen. And that, for me as a kid, that was the big thing. That’s why I threw up because I didn’t know what was going to happen. It was like, something’s going to happen. I just don’t know what. And so, I would throw up. That was the only thing I had control for. So um, so we get this anxiety, we get this incredible sense of anxiety, we get social anxiety, we get afraid to leave our house, we get agoraphobia, where we don’t want to go anywhere, or we get anxiety where it’s like, ooh, too many people. Now I also have had that happen to me. So like John and I, one time when we lived in LA, we went to one of the malls. And it was during Christmas time, and I remember turning to him and going get me the hell out of here yesterday. Get me out because I was starting to have a panic attack, and there’s just too many people bumping into you and the whole thing and it just didn’t feel safe. So um, so yeah, so anxiety is kind of part and parcel of PTSD. That’s just what happens to us because we’ve had so many bad things happen. And because our inner child is trying to keep us safe and anticipating, well, what if this happens? And what if that happens? What if, what if? What if? What if? So, basically, what happens is our subconscious starts living in what if? What if this happens? What if that happens? So, when we’re living in what if we’re in anxiety all the time because we’re trying to see what’s going to happen? What’s, you know, what’s going to happen now? What’s going to happen now, what’s going to happen now?

So what ifs are your clue that you need to check into what you’re thinking? Okay, so let’s back it up to the panic attack, and we’re going to tackle all the other forms of anxiety. So, when we have a panic attack, it’s because something our thoughts, something we saw, something we heard, something we tasted, something we smelled, made the amygdala go, Oh, my God, here, now, here, now here. And now it’s because the amygdala cannot tell the difference, like I said, between an energy drink making your heart pound, and fear making your heart pound or a thought that’s dangerous, or something that reminds you of your abuser. It’s all here, now, here, now, here, now, here, now, no logic, okay? So, when you realize you’re having a panic attack, what is your first clue that you’re starting to have a panic attack? So, for a lot of people, their first clue is their clenching up, that’s their, and holding their breath, that’s what we do. It’s like we hold our breath, and we clench up, okay? Or you can feel the heat rise, that’s another way to know that you’re starting to have a panic attack.

For some people, they don’t know they’re having a panic attack until they’re into the point where they are, and that’s fine. You know, it’s like, wherever you can catch it. That’s okay. So basically, as soon as you know you’re having a panic attack, the best thing to do is to take a super deep breath and hold it. So, you just and then force your shoulders down, force your chest out so that you’re kind of relaxing that whole area, and then slowly let it out. And as you’re letting it out, I’m safe. I’m okay brain, shut the bleep up. I’m fine. Everything everything’s okay, there is no saber-toothed Tiger. It’s all good. Let it go. We’re okay. You know, and you kind of do some self-soothing, it takes about five minutes for the adrenaline to flood out of the system. So, you’re going to have to sit there and do really, really slow, deep breathing with self-soothing.

So, remember, when we’re having a panic attack, it’s generally because our inner child is freaking right, the bleep out. So, you, you comfort yourself, the way you would in a small child, you’re safe. You’re okay. Everything’s fine. It’s all good. You’re good. Nothing’s going to hurt you. It’s okay. Try rubbing your arms, try rubbing your legs, remind yourself that you’re in the here and now, and everything’s good. So that’s the other thing is that what also causes panic attacks, flashbacks. When we are in flashback mode, and we are having a full-blown oh my god, this reminds me of my abuser. Holy crap. Oh, you know, it sends us into a complete and total panic, you know, being accused of something you didn’t do. That’s enough to send me into a rage. Usually, it’s like, Oh, hell no, we’re not playing that game. You know what I’m saying? So yeah, I mean, that’s, it’s part and parcel of PTSD. So breathing is going to be your best friend and self-soothing as you’re allowing your system to calm down. That’s another reason why I think energy drinks are a really bad idea for us. I really do because we can’t handle that. That arrhythmia. We can’t. Our bodies are just like, Nah, you know? So, I’m okay. So, I have some articles that I wanted to talk about.

Signs and symptoms of anxiety and this is on Psychology Today. Why do I feel like something terrible is about to happen, a sense of impending doom is a common accompaniment to bouts of anxiety and especially panic attacks. Not only may it seemingly strike out of the blue, but it also tends to exacerbate the anxiety. The more it exacerbates that sense of impending doom because we’ve had a panic attack. We know what that feels like. We don’t want another one. And oh my god, I don’t want it. I don’t want it. Oh my God, I don’t want it. I don’t want it. Well, if we’re focusing on that, guess what? We’re going to have it because our body is just like, well, we’re just going to do that so you can stop worrying about it. The feeling that something bad is about to happen is triggered by the body’s response when the mind senses a threat, hormones cortisol released are as part of the body’s stress response, put the brain on high alert, scanning relentlessly for danger. So like danger, where’s the dangerous danger, high alert, hyper, hypervigilance, hypervigilance. And if there is none there, we sometimes manufacture with the what ifs in order to get over it seriously. So, this is why we’ve got to do a two-pronged approach. It’s got to be a physical thing. And then we’ve also got to rein in that what if, what if, what if? And if you hear, well, what if this and what if that, that’s your clue to just totally tell that to shut the bleep up? Seriously, thank you for your input. Oh, kitty cat. Shut the bleep up. Sorry. Shut the bleep up. I’m not playing that game. I’m not living in a future that has not happened. And that’s the really important part is that it hasn’t happened. You’re living in a future that has not happened.

Okay, hormones, high alert. Relentlessly scanning for danger. And a strong stress response can lead to the feeling that catastrophe awaits. measures to tamp down the stress response, such as deep breathing for a few minutes, can dampen the sense of impending doom. So yes, absolutely. You want to take good care of yourself, recognize your anxiety triggers. So, you know, for me, it’s anxiety too many people. Recognizing, you know, hey, if somebody is accusing me of something I didn’t do, Oh, hell yeah. Game on, you know, I mean, it’s, it’s almost figuring out what your triggers are, write them down, write them down, challenge them, write them down, take your power back. I mean, they’re, they’re there to kind of protect you.

Kris Godinez  16:44

But now they’ve gone into what’s the word I’m looking for. They’re no longer helpful. They’re hurtful. So, write them down, challenge them, reaffirm that you’re safe, and you’re okay, and everything’s fine. And this is something to work on, seriously. And then baby steps, seriously, baby steps. So, if, for example for so for me going someplace new, it took years, probably until I left home, to get over that whole throwing up when I went someplace new because I was such a nervous wreck. Well, part of that also was getting away from my abuser. Because I realized it had to do with my dad because it was like he was a loose cannon, I didn’t know what he was going to do; was scary. You know, never knew if he was going to be kind or mean or embarrassing, or whatever. So, getting away from the abuse honestly helps. The second thing we need to do is work on The Inner Child Workbook by Catherine Taylor or Lucia Cappacchione. Why, because you’re dealing with all that trauma that happened when you were a little kid, that’s affecting us now, as an adult, and you want to challenge that stuff, and comfort that child, and make sure that child knows they are loved. They are heard, they are believed, and you’re going to protect them, and you will break your foot off in anyone’s hind in that tries to hurt them. That’s really what it’s about. Because we didn’t get protected. I talked about that last week; we did not get protected as kids. So, it’s really important to work with your inner child around the anxiety that came from somewhere.

So sometimes, too anxiety is a learned behavior. So, if we had a super anxious parent, we’ve picked that up. So again, fleas, so if it’s not yours, and it belongs to Mom or Dad, that’s when you have to separate it out, write it out, is this a fear of mine? Or is this a fear of mom and dads? Or is this a fear of grandparents? Or is this a fear of a teacher? Or is this a fear of whatever? Whoever taught the fear? You know, and is it real? Or is it just a fear? So, fear, false evidence appearing? Real fear is just a thought, you know, so is this something that you need to be freaking out about? Or is this something that you’re trying to plan for in the future? And if it is, take your power back live in the present moment, that is really the best way to get rid of that kind of anxiety.

Okay, going on. So, um, let me see if I can find the title of this one. So, this is just called Signs of Anxiety, and it’s on Psychology Today. Okay, hold on, it feels like we’re going to have a heart attack because we have the heart palpitations. That’s why. So, one thing that I tell my clients to do if they’re in the middle of a panic attack, and they’re like, oh my god, I’m going to I’m going to have a heart attack. Raise your hands above your head. Oh, look, you can raise your hands above your head. If you’re having a heart attack. You couldn’t do that. Can you stand up? Oh, yeah, you can. You’re fine. But that’s a way to shut that brain off when it starts going. What if. What if. What if. Oh my god, I’m dying. I’m dying. I’m dying. No, you’re not. You’re having a panic attack. It’s okay. So, this is common, guys. When I was in college, I would have panic attacks thinking I was dying. So, you bet. Absolutely.

When you And why, why? Well, when you get away from your abuser, and you start working on yourself, and you start challenging those basic assumptions that they gave you that were wrong, that were incorrect, it causes a lot of cognitive dissonance, it causes a lot of fear, we start realizing that the family that we thought we had, that we thought was supportive was not that, in fact, we had been orphans our entire life, and just didn’t know it until we started working on ourselves. So, you know, realizing that we are kind of alone and that we are kind of working on all of this lovely baggage that was handed to us that wasn’t even ours. Yeah, that can cause a lot of cognitive dissonance, it can cause a lot of what ifs, it can cause a lot of anxiety, I mean, abso-freakin-lulely. PTSD is not fun, and I don’t recommend it for most people. It’s not something you want to do. So um, but the point being is, is that you’re not crazy.

This is part and parcel of healing, unfortunately. So, it’s learning how to cope with the anxiety, kind of pushed through the anxiety so that you are running the anxiety, and the anxiety is not running you. It’s a bully, think of it as another abuser, that’s really a good way to think about it. It’s kind of like another abuser. Because why? Because it stops us from doing things, it stops us from going out, it stops us from going to like malls, it stops us, because we try to start avoiding all the things that make us anxious.

So, and social anxiety, this is huge for us as survivors. Why? Well, if we had truly crazy parents, they didn’t know how to socialize, they didn’t know how to be a normal human being, you know, and so going out into public was always an incredibly stressful thing. At least it was for me because it was like, what is what stupid thing is he going to do now? What horrible thing is he going to say about his family? Now? How is he going to embarrass us? Is he going to hit us? Is he going to, you know, say something stupid, you know what, you know? So? And and, and I talked about this in my book, what’s wrong with your dad? Um, you know, you get a reputation unfairly because of the crazy parent. You know, it’s like, oh, yeah, I know those people. Yeah, I don’t want anything to do with them. And it’s like, I have nothing to do with my dad. I’m not him. Thanks for playing. So yeah, it creates this sense of I can’t go out because I’m going to be associated with this crazy family, or I can’t go out because I don’t know what my abuser is going to do. You know? So, it’s totally normal. This is totally, totally normal.

So, all right, signs and symptoms. Let’s go back. Okay, why does my body shake? It’s because of the cortisol. You can’t concentrate. When you have anxiety. You feel like you can’t breathe because you’re holding your breath. It is a fear response. And yes, children do get anxiety they absolutely do. And it is a learned behavior. So that is the biggest thing to remember. Okay, let me see. Is this the one I wanted to look at? No, this is not the one I wanted to look at. Let’s look at PTSD. Okay.

So post-traumatic stress disorder. It causes unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event, reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again, flashbacks. And that’s because of the amygdala. So, the amygdala, like I said, cannot tell the difference between past, present, future, thinking about a threat, smelling a threat, hearing a threat tasting a threat, you know, it’s all here. Now, here. Now, here now, right here, right now. It’s happening. It’s happening. It’s happening. So, you’ve really got to be able to be like, Nope, I am safe. I am okay. In this present moment. My abuser is not here. I’m all right. So, calming yourself down, dealing with the amygdala. So, when you bring oxygen back into the system, so you take the big deep breath, and you hold it for a little bit, and you let it out, self-soothing, I’m safe. I’m okay. Everything’s fine. What that does is that tells the brain that released the adrenaline, oh, we’ve got oxygen, we’re safe. Okay, I can shut down the adrenaline process. Okay, cool beats. So, it starts shutting that down. And then as you keep breathing, the hippocampus and hypothalamus also go, Oh, we don’t need to be tensed up so, we’re ready to fight, fight, freeze or give in fawn. So that’s what that is all about.

Kris Godinez  24:59

So, PTSD, upsetting dreams or nightmares so people often wake up from it I wake up in the morning having a panic attack, not knowing why. Because we don’t always remember our dreams. And especially because we can believe it or not, we can dissociate when we’re dreaming. So, it’s like something happens. In our dreams, we wake up panic attack, but we don’t know why. Well, obviously, we were dreaming about something that was traumatic, obviously. And our brain just kind of went, nope, nope, not going to remember it. So, it’s enough to know that something triggered you, you were dreaming about something, I strongly recommend keeping a dream journal. So you can start writing things down. When you go to sleep at night, this is really important. You’re going to give yourself the suggestion that you sleep well. So, what I like, remember how we do the mirror work. So, the mirror work in the morning is going to be Hi, good to see you. Have a great day, I give you permission to like yourself, go be awesome. And then you walk out, right? At night, especially if you’re having panic attacks in the morning. Now you can do the whole Hey, good to see you. Again, here are three things you did right, which is always great. But the other thing you can do is add in, you know what, you’re going to sleep safely and soundly. And you’re going to have happy dreams, and then you go to bed. So, you give yourself that suggestion that that’s what’s going to happen that night. It may not happen immediately. But the more you tell your subconscious, this is what I want, the more the subconscious will start going, Oh, okay, we’re going to dream happy dreams. And how do I know this works? Well, a few years ago, I had to have a colonoscopy. And I told John, I will be having nice happy dreams about Oded Fehr, right. So, I come out of recovery. And the nurse goes to China and goes who’s Odin? babbling about? Good, fair. He’s an actor. He’s cute. Anyway, um, so yeah, it happens. So, but it takes practice. So, all of this takes practice because we’re having to undo all of the damage that the abuse has done, to our psyche, to our subconscious, to our self-esteem, to our sense of safety, to our sense of everything. So, a sense of safety is really the key to getting rid of the anxiety. So little kids are the ones who do the well. What if this? And what if that? What if I plan for this? And what if I play? You know, I’ll do I’ll do this, and it’ll be fine. And you know that kind of thing. So, you’ve got to calm down the little, the little inner child, comfort them. It’s great to come up with plans.

That’s great. One, maybe two plans. That’s it. And then you don’t allow the thought process to keep going, well, I’m going to do this, if that happens. And I’m going to do that. No, we’ve already done that. We have a plan. We know what we’re doing. It’s okay. Let it go. So seriously, keep a dream journal. Allow yourself to remember your dreams. Allow yourself to dream happy dreams. It’s okay. It’s really, really okay. Work on that, that is a huge thing to do. Okay, hold on just a second. One more thing. I wanted to get to severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event. Absolutely. stomach aches, somatic things, headaches, muscle aches, you know? Absolutely. And emotional distress. So, our bodies keep score, Bessel Van de Kolk. Great guy, I’m actually going to be going to a continuing education conference with both him and Dr. Ramani. I get to see them both. I’m so excited. So, I’m going to you know, I’ll bring back whatever I learned from them, which is awesome. That’ll be in October. Okay, so avoidance, we try to avoid things that causes anxiety, negative changes in thinking and mood, and negative thoughts about ourselves or other people in the world. hopelessness about the future, sense of doom, memory problems, not remembering important aspects of the traumatic events, difficulty maintaining close relationships, feeling detached from family and friends, lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed, difficulty experiencing positive emotions, feeling emotionally numb.

So, we do that with PTSD because it’s kind of like, well, if I’m happy, somebody’s going to ruin it. Like, seriously, that was my thought when I was having to live in the house with my dad because if I was happy, I knew he would ruin it. So, you know, and then he would get mad at me for being a moody teenager. And I’m just like. You can’t have it both ways. Anyway. Um, so yeah, so we do that. It’s kind of like we ruin it ourselves. So, nobody else can. Or we protect ourselves by not having close friends because we don’t want to get hurt. So, but it’s a way of really not living. So, it’s also a way of allowing the abuser to win, so don’t allow the abuser to win! You’ve got to be able to be like, Okay, this is my anxiety. This is my fear false evidence appearing real. What can I do to mitigate it and still go have a lovely fun life? Because I get to, you get to, you get to, and then clearly the message we got growing up was, oh, don’t you dare and it’s not okay and blah, blah, blah. So, my suggestion would be also writing letters to whoever created the anxiety around you. And basically, taking your power back. It’s like, Look, mother clicker, you’re dead. You have no power over me anymore. Or Look, Mother Clucker. I’m away from you. You have no power over me anymore. Guess what? I’m not going to allow your crazy thoughts to run my world. And take it out to the barbecue. Read it out loud once burn it, you know, and we have to be careful of what we think. That’s the other big thing. Thoughts, create emotions, emotions, create thoughts, back and forth. So, if you’re having anxiety, what were you just thinking? What if you’re having a panic attack? What were you just thinking right before you realized you were having a panic attack? A lot of times, people are dissociating, and they don’t quite know. But sometimes they’re able to go, Oh, I just thought XY and Z. Great.

Okay, now we know what caused the panic attack. Excellent. Let’s work on that. So that’s kind of what I want you guys to work on is that you’re not crazy. This is part and parcel of PTSD. This is part and parcel of CPTSD because we’ve had so much trauma that we’re trying to keep ourselves safe. The amygdala literally is enlarged, and it is trying to keep us safe. And it’s stupid. Three o’s cannot tell the difference. Past, present, future, thought, seeing something, hearing something, smelling something, tasting something. It’s all here, now, here, now, here, now. So, you kind of have to remind yourself, I’m safe. I am okay. Everything is fine. There is no danger right now. I have some fear. For sure. I’m going to validate and acknowledge that, that there is no danger.

So gentle, gentle, gentle anxiety is, what’s the word I’m looking for? It is the gift that keeps on giving. So, they gave us anxiety because of the abuse. They gave us anxiety. So, the anxiety was trying to keep us safe. And it served a purpose at one point in time. You know, you know, honestly, I think for me with the throwing up is if I was throwing up, my dad kind of left me alone. So, I think that’s why I kind of clung to that for so long when he was around. So, um, you know, you think it thank you anxiety. That was lovely. That was a lovely thought. And I know you’re just trying to keep me safe. And because it’s an and world. I don’t need you anymore. We’re done. I don’t need you anymore. I don’t need to do this anymore. It’s harming me now. Write it out, challenge it. What can you do instead? How are you safe, you know, remind yourself you are safe. Work with your inner child. Work with the Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. C-PTSD from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. So, work on all of this. And this is totally normal. And to be expected having a huge amount of anxiety is to be expected if somebody comes out of a traumatic thing and says that they have absolutely no anxiety.I am going to call bull dinky on that. So, because our bodies, our minds, man, they are Yeah. So, anxiety is normal for having been abused. And we get to be the master of the anxiety, not the anxiety be the master of us. So, it’s breathing. It’s being aware of what you were thinking what you were feeling. What did you see? What did you hear? What did you smell? What did you taste? What triggered the panic attack? What is the thought that stopping you from going out? The What if challenge it and then Baby Steps Start doing very, very little. Because you don’t want to just, you know, like, for example, when I first started working on my anxiety, I would not just immediately go out into a mall. That would not have been a good thing. But if I could go out to like a grocery store, you know, and lots of people in the grocery store, okay, I’m okay with that. And then you up it to maybe a mall later on. So, Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps, and gentle with yourself, and do not make yourself wrong. Do not, and anyone who makes you wrong for having anxiety is probably not empathic and probably not a person you want to be around. So, this is normal for those of us who have come from abusive situations. Okay, let’s dive into the questions. Okay.

Kris Godinez  34:51

I cannot get over the grief of my mother, who died 28 years ago. I have intrusive thoughts and feellings all day. And I don’t know what to do. It’s on year two. After memories came up, what shall I do? Okay, first of all, she died 28 years ago. Holy cow. Okay, I would strongly suggest getting with a psychiatrist and looking into probably some meds for obsessive-compulsive thoughts given that you say it’s all day. And it’s been happening since the year two. And so that’s for 26 years this has been happening. So, I would say get with a psychiatrist to work on that. There is, you know, there’s a workbook hold on half a tick that I really liked. So, it was called the intrusive thoughts, intrusive thoughts workbook. Overcoming unwanted thoughts. Okay. So, there’s overcoming unwanted thoughts that’s on Amazon. Then there’s the intrusive thought toolkit. So honestly, any and all of these books on Amazon, either overcoming unwanted thoughts or the intrusive thought toolkit, can help. At this point, I would definitely, though, if those don’t help you, I would definitely look into getting with a psychiatrist and see about maybe some OCD meds to help with that. Absolutely. And the thing of it is, is that you’ve been doing this for 26 years, if I’m, if I’m reading, I’m reading that right, right, John. Okay, so you’ve been doing it for 26 years. So, the more we have a thought, okay, the stronger that connection gets, which is why it’s so important to do thought-stopping. So thought stopping is where the thought pops up, and you acknowledge it, you go, Yeah, I hear you. I see you. I hear you knock. And yeah, can’t come in. And you send it on its way, which is different than resisting it. So, when we resist a thought, it’s when we go, oh, thought, oh, I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to think I’m not thinking about it. I’m not thinking about it. I’m not thinking about another. What am I thinking about the whole time? I’m thinking about that thought. But if you go, Yep, I hear you. I see you. And I don’t really want to deal with you right now. Because there’s nothing I can do about it. So, bye, you know, and you send it on its way. The other thing to think about, too, is grieving. So, if you were not allowed to properly grieve, that could be another reason why these thoughts keep popping up. So, what you may want to do is write your mom a goodbye letter. Ooh, I know. That’s… I know. So, write her a goodbye letter. And see if that helps. You know, Dear Mom, you know, if she was abusive, it may be a Go screw yourself letter. But if she wasn’t abusive, it’s probably going to be a very sad letter. You miss her. So, write her a goodbye letter, and then trot it out to the barbecue, read it out loud once burn it. So, if after doing that, and doing the intrusive thought toolkit book and the overcoming intrusive thoughts. If that doesn’t help, then it’s time to get a psychiatrist. Absolutely.

Because that the thing, like I said, is that when we think something constantly, it makes that connection in our brain strong. Okay. So, it’s kind of like, how do we explain? It’s kind of like wagon, the wagon ruts that you can see from all the wagon trains that went through in the Midwest, you can still see them because so many went through there, right? So, you’ve got to change the route. So, and the same goes for when we get obsessive about our abuser. So, if we’re constantly calling up the thought of our abuser, especially if it was romantic relationship, in our heads, you want to be like, nope, not my problem, not thinking about them. Thank you very much. I hear you knocking I see you. And no, I’m choosing not to think about this person. So that’s what you want to start doing. Because our thoughts have been so ingrained, think about the abuser and think about, you know this person or think about that person, you want to start doing thought stopping so when the thoughts pop up, you just go no, no, thank you, after you’ve worked through the grieving so, you know, our society is really weird about grieving, they don’t allow us or they don’t like it when we really truly have a deep amount of emotion abusers don’t at all. So grieving is a very deep, very genuine emotion. And everybody seems to think that oh, you know, you grieve for like two months, and then you’re over its new grieving is lifelong. For sure. It’s not intrusive, though. It’s not like every day, all day. But you know, every once in a while, you know, I’ll think about my mom, she pops into my head, you know, or, you know, I’ll think about somebody who’s died that I liked, you know, but grieving is a lifelong process.

We never stopped loving that person. Let’s be very clear. When we grieve. We’re loving that person. We miss them. And sometimes we don’t let go of them because we’re afraid if we stop thinking about them, we will stop loving them. And that’s not true. You were always going to love them, if they were good to you, you’re always going to love them. If they’re an abuser, you may be keeping them stuck with you with anger. That’s what I did with my dad. And it was funny because one of my one of my counselors awesome. She was like, You’re angry at your dad because you’re still trying to fix him. And you keep calling him up because you’re still trying to fix him. And I was like, Whoa, because I was thinking about him a lot, especially in the early years when I was working on my, you know, trauma and everything like that. So, you know, think about it, it’s like, why are you calling this person up all the time? Is it to fix them? Is it so that you still feel loved? Is it, you know, what’s going on? Grieving is normal. Grieving is normal. And grieving is a lifelong process. You know, it’s like, you’re always going to, if you love the person and they loved you, you’re always going to love them, and you’re always going to miss them, and you’re always going to grieve their loss, you bet. It’s just not going to be as intense. So, and like I said, in our society, it doesn’t allow people to grieve. It just doesn’t. They’re uncomfortable, whether it was literally it’s been six months, no mother, it takes, you know, a year for normal grief, normal grief to kind of go through all the firsts. And then after that, it’s like, okay, this is the new normal without them, you know, and then after that, it gets a little easier, you know? So, I would definitely say try those two books, try writing and burning the letter. I don’t know whether it’s an abuser or whether the mom was a loving, kind mom. So um, either way, if it was an abuser, right of the go pound letter, if it was a loving, kind mom, you know, do the grieving letter do the I miss you letter, and I wish you were here letter, you know, do that one. If, after doing the books, and all of that, it doesn’t work, get to a psychiatrist. Look into OCD bets to help with the intrusive constant thoughts. So, there is that? I hope that answered that question.

Um, do narcs have anxiety which they transfer onto their children? My mom was nonstop anxious and always creating drama over nothing and blamed the children for it because she was worried. That sounds more like borderline, to be perfectly honest, borderline personality disorder. When they get malignant, they’re very anxious, and they create drama all the time, and then blame it on somebody else. So that sounds like Oh, my goodness, my leg has gone to sleep. Holy cow. Wow. Um, that sounds more like borderline personality disorder. Um, but ya know, they the borderline personality disorder absolutely can and they’re very much into drama. And I’m talking malignant guys. I’m not talking traits of I’m talking when they have refused help. And they’re harming people. And they’re screaming Mimi’s and drama, drama, drama, drama, drama, drama, drama, then yeah, absolutely. So that sounds more like borderline honestly. And again, I’m not diagnosing; I’m just saying what that sounds like.

Um, okay. Wow, we can’t move out of our home in a building where we received physical abuse from deranged neighbors is 2018. The police and judge do nothing. Is there a way to stop being locked in? Okay, so you can’t move out of our home in a building where we receive physical abuse from deranged neighbors. Since 2018, the police and judges do nothing. Is there a way to stop being locked in? I’m not quite sure of the situation. Um, that sounds like more of a question for an attorney. Honestly, if the police and judge are doing nothing, and if these people are still abusing then or being harassing or whatever, and I kind of talked about this last week. Apparently, the Supreme Court has made it more difficult to get a restraining order, which is only going to harm people who are being stalked by crazies. Men get stalked, too. So, this is not just harming women. It is going to harm men as well.

Kris Godinez  44:22

So, I would say if there’s still a harassment situation going on, you cannot get a restraining order if the police and judges are not doing anything. It’s time to talk to an attorney. Because sometimes, Honestly, the only thing people understand is if you hit them in the pocketbook. So that would be my suggestion for that. As far as free attorneys are concerned. There are sometimes the universities that have law schools will do clinics, free clinics, where they’ll answer questions. Sometimes retired attorneys will do free clinics will where they will answer questions or help you fill out paperwork. In Arizona, Fresh Start Women’s Resource Center offers legal advice. They’ll help you fill out paperwork. They’ll answer your questions, you know, that kind of thing. It’s for a small fee for like 15 bucks. So, so you’d have to look around and see if you could get some free legal advice. The other thing you could look into would be Catholic Charities might have some free legal advice you could get, or Jewish Family Home Services. That’s another possibility. So, look into, look into talking to an attorney because at this point, that sounds more illegal than it does psychological. So um, okay, let’s see.

My kitty Sabrina passed away last month. I’m so sorry. I cry every day at least once, sometimes more. I can’t seem to get past this part of my ptsd. Is this part of my PTSD? Does it make the grieving process longer? No, sweetie, that’s normal grief. So, a month is nothing. A month is nothing. It is no time at all. A month is nothing. When we lost Scotty. Oh, god, that was awful. So yeah, you miss him, you know, and it was really hard because you know, he was our last dog. So, before we got these guys, a month is nothing. a month, you’re just starting to even scratch the surface of grieving. So normal grief. Let me say this again. Normal grief takes the entire year. It does. A month is nothing. Allow yourself to grieve. And is it going to be every day in that first month? Probably. You betcha? Yah. Yah, you betcha. And you just acknowledge it, and you validate it, and you allow it, don’t resist it. It’s kind of like, Yeah, this is normal. This is me loving this little Sabrina cat. You betcha. And you allow yourself to grieve. And again, it might not be a bad idea to do a goodbye letter, dear Sabrina, your great little kitty, and I loved you so much. You know, and just let her know how awesome she is. And just take it out to the barbecue, read it out loud once allow the smoke to carry the words to where it needs to go. So yeah, grieving is a lifelong process. The intense grieving is going to be the first year seriously. So everyday thinking about the cat. Yeah, that’s when Scotty died. Every day, I would think about him. And especially sometimes I would think I would hear him coming into the dog door. Which was than that, I’d go, oh, no, he’s gone. You know? And then I cry. And, um, yeah, it’s, it’s, it’s only been a month, sweetie. It’s only been one. That’s what I was saying about our society. In a healthy normal society, they understand that it takes a year, a year in a day, a year and a day. Seriously, it’s like, allow yourself that year to get through all of the firsts, you know. And it is a lifelong process. There are days when I think about Kitties and dogs that I’ve had when I was a kid, and I miss them, and I’ll grieve over them, you know? So, it’s lifelong, so gentle with you. Don’t make yourself wrong, write and burn a goodbye letter. And just realize it’s going to take a year. It’s going to take a year at the very, very least. You betcha. All right, let’s see what the next question is.

Um, how do you back away from new people who learn some of your triggers and continue to do said triggers and laugh about it, I want to ghost to them. But we’ll have to give up my group of friends. Um, well, they’re not your friends if they’re doing things like that. If these people are condoning what these people are doing, then they’re not your friends. So let me be very clear. People who are your friends support you, people who are your friends, love you. People who are your friends do not tolerate anybody pushing your buttons and creating triggers, okay? Or, you know, creating a response to triggers. So, these people are not your friends.

So, what is friendship? Friendship is respect. Same with love, friendship and love are all about respect. And if they do not respect you, they do not like you, and they do not love you. So, if they are disrespectful, you get rid of them. So, you don’t owe anybody an explanation. You don’t you, that’s the big thing. It’s like, so here’s the thing. Ghosting people, I’m not a huge fan caveat unless they’re abusive, if they’re abusive, then yeah, you have the right to go no contact. Absolutely ghosting, otherwise known as no contact. So, but ghosting has come to be like, you know, oh, you’re hanging out with somebody, you’re dating somebody, and then you just disappear. That’s ghosting. Okay? No Contact is when somebody is abusive. Pushing your buttons, getting you triggered, laughing about it, making fun of you, being disrespectful. You have the right to go no contact with those people. So, because that’s abusive, let’s be clear. Let’s be clear, that’s abusive. And if your friend group is unwilling to support you, is going along with what these people are doing. You don’t need them. You do not need them, clean out your friend closet make room for Healthy People. Healthy People are not disrespectful. Let me say that again. Healthy People are not disrespectful. They have boundaries, they know your boundaries. This is a boundary.

So, what’s your list of deal breakers? Let’s go over that. What is a deal breaker? A deal breaker is anything that is going to harm you. So, a deal breaker is if somebody is disrespectful to you, these people are disrespectful to you. If somebody causes you harm, these people are causing you harm. calls you names, gaslights you, lies, makes fun of you at your expense. Those are all deal breakers. Nobody should treat you like that. Nobody has the right. Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, read it. Boundaries. The Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker read it because you don’t need these people. And sometimes I think we’re afraid to let go of people because we’re afraid that nobody else will ever like us. Wow, does that sound what like the abuser said nobody will ever love you. Nobody will love you the way I do bla bla bla bla bla. God, I hope not. You know what I’m saying? So, you definitely want to let them go. If they’re being disrespectful, if they’re hurting you, if they’re harming you, and if the rest of the people are going to go along with that, you don’t need them. You don’t need them. Work on yourself, work on your self-esteem. Okay, let’s see. I mean, and, and if you’ve already told them so, what you could do is if you’ve told them that this is not, you know, you don’t like this, and this is harmful, and they do it again. Absolutely get rid of them. If you haven’t told them, then you might just be like, No, I really don’t appreciate that. And then if they do it again, get rid of them. But honestly, if they’re like intentionally and making fun of you, just get rid of them. So, there is that.

Okay, my loves I think that is it for today. I will do the questions on Wednesday that I did not get to. Let me see what next week’s show is going to be. Here it is. Oh, what does a healthy family look like? Yes, we’re going to talk about healthy families. We’re going to talk about green lights, we’re going to talk about the good stuff, so next week is going to be what does a healthy family look like? What a healthy people look like healthy friends look like? etc. etc. etc. So that is it. My love’s you guys go have a great week, and I will talk to you on Wednesday with the answers and questions and answers and next week what a healthy family looks like. All right, my love’s go be awesome. Talk to you later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.

The post 07-09-2023 A Case of Nerves appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Did you know that most survivors of abuse, either by the family of origin or by a significant other, have eating disorders or issues with food? Yeah! Yet another lovely side effect of abuse. Survivors of abuse are more likely to have anorexia, bulimia, binge/purge, or overeating issues. How to help yourself is to get with a damn good trauma therapist that understands eating disorders. Write and burn letters to the people who made food/weight/looks, etc., an issue.

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Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA, or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Hi, guys. Okay, today’s current events. So, there were okay. First of all, Irene Gakwa is still missing in Wyoming. So, this has been going on a year now. The boyfriend was arrested for fraud. He was caught using all of her credit cards and her bank account, so at least he’s going probably to jail for that. But they’ve never found her body. So, they can’t…. I don’t necessarily understand how the law works on that, because sometimes they charge people with murder, even when they can’t find the body. But anyway, they’ve never found her body. They never found her. They don’t know where she is. They’re not charging him with murder, which they should. But there it is. Especially since it looks really hinky. Um, anyway, there’s that. So, if you know any information about that particular case in Wyoming, please contact the authorities in Wyoming. Current events. So, there were three mass shootings this weekend. And the thing that scared me so there was one in San Francisco, there was one in Houston. And there’s one in Chicago, the one in Chicago; somebody shot into cars going to a funeral. And I just don’t even. I can’t.

So again, and I think rather than going into the Okay, definitely mental health issue, definitely, we need to do something. The thing I’d like to point out is that there were three mass shootings with at least a dozen people shot. And the news media just kind of didn’t cover it, like, Oh, it’s another shooting, oh, it’s no big deal. That scares the hell out of me. And it should scare the hell out of you. Because people are becoming, what’s the word I’m looking for, immune, that it’s like it happens so often, it’s no longer big news. And it’s no longer something that, you know, gets covered like it used to. And that means that it’s becoming the norm. And it should never be the norm. Murder should never be the norm. Now, one murder that did occur in France is the crazy guy, because he couldn’t get a gun, took a knife and went after kids. So, like I said, again, if somebody is cuckoo for Cocoa Puff enough to want to kill, and they can’t get their hands on a gun, they will get their hands on other weapons. So even though they’re, you know, gun laws, and whatever, in France, he’s still got a knife, and he still went after kids. So, the same goes back to mental health. So, you know, somebody’s crazy enough to kill, they’re crazy enough to find a way to do it. So anyway, but that coupled with the fact that it is now become the norm, and we no longer are shocked, and we should be it absolutely, there is no reason in the face this planet, that we shouldn’t be shocked when fellow human beings are killed. I mean, that shows a lack of empathy, that shows a lack of care or a lack of concern, or, you know, it’s just not it’s not grabbing the headlines enough for the news companies. And that is scary to me.

So anyway, if you’re passionate about people not being indiscriminately killed by any kind of weapon, get a hold of your representatives, your senators, and just basically be like, what are we doing about the mental health in this country, people? How are we going to prevent things like this? How are we going to prevent Okay, let’s say we do gun laws; how are we going to prevent him from taking a machete that they do that too? They did that in Japan? They have. We had one in Phoenix a few years ago that took a machete to people in Tempe. So, you know it just anyway. So, there’s that.

Okay, today’s topic our relationship with food. So, this is specific for people that have been raised by abusive parents, toxic parents, narcissistic parents. So, parents who are abusers interfere with the child’s normal development they do on all levels. We started talking about that last week when we were talking on Sunday, and they not only interfere in the relationship, but you also know, they not only isolate the kid and do things like that, and interfere in the natural development, the natural, growing kind of thing. They interfere with our relationship to literally everything, especially food. So, they will interfere in how we relate socially. And they interfere with our natural development of how to nurture ourselves. What a surprise. It’s not really, unfortunately, when you think about it, so abusers’ whole goal is to either parental fi or infantilize the child and, or make it so that they can manipulate that child all the way through their lives. Okay, from infant to adult, their whole goal is to manipulate, control power, that’s their whole thing, power, manipulate, control, everything they do, there’s an agenda. Okay. So, what they do with us with food, it’s so complicated. So, in reading all of these studies on anorexia, bulimia, you know, weight issues, etc. They will mess with the kid’s head, okay?

So, our relationship with food is very, not healthy, usually coming out of one of these parental abusive situations. So, a great example is when I was growing up, my dad was like, You’re too thin, you’re too thin, you’re too thin, you’re too thin. I was a little kid, you know, and I was very active and played and ran and jumped and swam and all sorts of stuff. Well, so then I really clearly got the message. Oh, you need to put on weight. So, I started eating as much as I could to try to please them. Mom and dad, they both did it. And then all of a sudden, when I was eight years old, you’re too fat. You’re too fat. You’re too fat. You’re too fat. And, of course, I look back at pictures now. And I’m like, Y’all are smoking the ganja? I looked fine. What the hell is wrong with you? So, it’s, they live in a circle of too much. Not enough. Too much. Not enough. And it’s a crazy-making circle because they never overlap. There’s, there’s never a point in time, you know, those diagrams where it’s like, here’s one diagram over here. And here’s another one. Here’s where they overlap. No, they never overlap. It’s always You’re too much. You’re not enough. You’re too much. You’re not enough. So, we get these weird ideas of what our relationship to food is. And abusers use food as punishment. That should never be the case, ever. So just like how abusers do not understand, really money, okay? Because money is their God. So, things mean more to them than people. Money means everything to them. It’s the same thing with food. So, food has got a different meaning to them than it does to the rest of us.

So, food is enjoyable. Let’s not just you know, let’s not ignore that food is enjoyable, it tastes good, it feels good. They can’t stand it. When somebody’s got a healthy relationship to food. They can’t stand it when somebody is able to go, Oh, I’m full. I’ve had enough. I’m done. So, what I’ll see these abusive parents do, and my dad did the same damn thing, is when you’re full, and you’re done eating, and you’ve eaten as much as you can eat, they start the guilt trips, they start the whole Oh, there are starving children in India or China or whatever the country happens to be that happens to be having issues with the food supply. There are starving children, and it’s your fault that they’re starving. If you don’t eat everything on your plate, excuse me, how crazy is that? I finally got to the point. I know I’ve talked about this before I finally got to the point where I was like, okay, box it up and send it to them, which then earned me a slap across the face and waking up across the room going. What just happened? So, they’ve got a very weird relationship to food themselves. So, something I see them do is the guilt-tripping, or they’ll make the poor kid sit there for literally hours until they finish their plate, and they have to lick it clean. That’s abuse. That’s abuse. Some kids just don’t eat that much, and they don’t need to. Kids are not stupid kids know their bodies. Adults know their bodies, but we get told we don’t. So, it’s just like, you know, when a parent like my dad, Oh, you’re too thin. You’re too thin. You’re too thin. Now you’re too fat. You’re too fat. You’re too fat. So, it was never enough, right?

Kris Godinez  10:01

And so, then we start doubting ourselves, and they do the whole, you know, clean your plate, you need to clean your plate, there are starving children, you need to clean your plate. No, you don’t put it in the fridge, wrap it up, you can have it later. You know? And of course, you don’t obviously, you don’t let the kid do the whole I’m not going to do this, I’m going to go eat, you know, candy or ice cream or whatever is like no, when you when you are ready to eat more, there it is. That kind of thing. So, adults, adults that are abusive, will punish the kid and torture them. Essentially, I had one adult child tell me that their parent made them sit there for 12 hours through the night because they didn’t want to eat the lima beans. I don’t blame them. I’m not crazy about lima beans. But you know, I mean, that kind of thing. And then they would come out and berate them and yell at them and, you know, hit them and all sorts of stuff. So, yeah, they absolutely skew our relationship with food. So, we start associating food instead of with nourishment and pleasure because it is pleasurable to eat a good meal. We started associating it with icky things, you know, like, oh, you know, I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to this and I don’t want that. And so, we get a really weird relationship with food. Now, the studies that I’ve been reading on Psychology Today, they are making the connection, finally took them long enough, between the way abusers emotionally abuse and our relationship to food and having eating disorders.

Something else I thought was interesting in doing reading all these studies was that Fibromyalgia has been connected, which is another autoimmune disease. I mean, this is an autoimmune disease, but it is an autoimmune disease that we tend to have coming out of abusive relationships. Fibromyalgia was connected to 20 different gut bacteria. So, it’s, I don’t believe in coincidence. Let me just say that I do not believe in coincidence. And a lot of our emotions originate with our gut bacteria our health; a lot of our health originates with how our digestive system is. It does not surprise me that abusers interfere with that and make sure that it’s disrupted. So, the other thing I’ve seen abusers do is that they feed the kid nothing but junk food, like nothing but junk food, no vegetables, no fruits, all processed stuff. And then the kid grows up having all sorts of intestinal problems and autoimmune issues and things like that. So, it does not surprise me that abusers somehow have figured out that if they mess with the gut bacteria, that the target of abuse is more easily controlled. So, there is that, um, so anorexia has also been connected to the emotional abuse PTSD, in that when the child it’s kind of like self-harm, when the child cuts or when the child starves themselves, that initial pang of hunger, it’s kind of a, it’s like, I’m alive. I have control over this, and I am alive. And it’s the same thing with self-harm. So, I just I really dislike abusive people. I really, really, really do because it makes me so angry. Having been a victim of it myself, but also watching adult children who have been also a victim of this struggle with eating disorders. Struggle with self-harm, I struggle with autoimmune diseases, etc., etc., etc.

So, the study that I read let’s see, is this the Psychology Today one? Um, no, this is not the Psychology Today. Well, let me see if I can find that. Oh, stop it, ad. Okay, trauma is more common in bulimia, bulimia, eating disorders. So, they’re now finally figuring this out. This is from very well mind.com. Emotional abuse and negative beliefs are all found in people with eating disorders. It’s like if you’ve been emotionally abused, you’re 30% more likely to have some sort of eating disorder, either bulimia or anorexia. So, um, anorexia is where you limit the calories. Bulimia is where your kind of throw up a lot after eating it, and then there’s the binge and purge, so you can binge eat way the heck too much and then purge. None of that is healthy. And if you’ve got a parent who is abusive and is doing the whole Munchausen by proxy, they love it when their target of abuse has issues because then they get the attention, and of course, there’s a stigma attached to eating disorders that has been perpetrated, I think, in large part by abusers. And it’s kind of like, oh, you know, they’re, they’re mentally ill look, I’m the hero parent, I have to put up with this. And I just want to slap therapy for them seriously. It’s like, really, you’re the one that caused this. So now I’m not saying all cases of anorexia or all cases of bulimia, are all cases of binge and purge are caused by emotional abuse, that the studies are starting to show that that’s a large portion of what’s going on.

So um, yeah, you’ll get the Munchausen by proxy. See, this is what I’m saying. It’s so complicated. There’s so many facets to this. It’s like you’ve got the emotional abuse going on. You’ve got the negative body image going on. You’ve got the Munchausen by proxy. They’re getting off on you being ill and, you know, trying to take, you know, sympathy or whatever for you struggling when really what you’re trying to say is I don’t feel I exist. This lets me know I’m alive. This is the only thing I have control over because you Jack Wagons, have taken control over everything else. So again, like with the cutting, it’s like I own this, you can’t take it from me, do you see where I’m going with that? I totally get this; I totally get this. Because it’s like they do, they take over the aspect of the child. And this is the only thing the child can control that in the cutting, you know, it’s like, and it lets them feel so and that. Man, that’s the one thing in speaking with survivors of abuse, that is the one thing that comes up over and over and over and over again, is that they would use food to numb themselves. So, overeating because it felt good. And that was the only comfort they could get.

So overeating is an issue as well, as well as the other issues that we talked about. Not binging and purging, just overeating. So, they turn to food for comfort. They turn to food for numbing. They turn to food for whatever they needed. And it’s because of the family of origin. So, if you’ve got abusive, neglectful, so this is the neglectful parents, these are the parents who were like, you know, go away kid, you bother me, I’ve got my own problems, bla, the kid will turn to food for comfort and a mistake that, well, I don’t think it’s a mistake. But I think that using food as a reward is not really a good idea. I mean, it’s okay if it’s occasionally, but you don’t want the kid to associate that with this is how to make myself feel good. Do you see where I’m going with that? So, I mean, it’s okay to do like, you know, Hey, you did great, you got it, you know, straight A’s or whatever, let’s go out for ice cream, that’s fine. But you don’t want them to turn to food for emotional comfort. And I think that’s what I’m trying to say is that kids who’ve been neglected turn to food for emotional comfort. Now, the other thing I have seen abusers do, and this annoys me, no end…they’ll starve the child.

Kris Godinez  18:10

So, they will put locks on the pantry, they’ll put locks on the refrigerator, and they’ll punish the child for trying to get food. So, they’ll keep the child barely fed, I mean, just enough to get by. And this is these are the cases that you read about in the newspaper. So um, you know, just enough to barely get by. And if the child sneaks into the kitchen and eats anything, they’ll use that as the excuse to physically abuse them. So it’s just, it’s so sick and so insidious, that they take something that we have to do every day, right, we have to feed ourselves, we have to if we don’t we die, you know, so they take something that should be nurturing and pleasurable, and they turn it into a punishment, they turn it into a reward system, they turn it into a control, they turn it into a way to put down your self-esteem. You know, that was something else My dad used to say is Oh, you eat like a truck driver. Well, yeah, I’m trying to shovel in as much food as I can before you have a fit and take it away from me. Because your cray cray. Do you see where I’m going with that? I mean, so they just mess with the natural development of things. Kids should be allowed to figure out what they like and what they don’t like as far as food is concerned, how much they want to eat, how little they want to eat, it’s and they go through stages.

Kids are… little kids go through stages. So sometimes, okay, great example, I’ve got a great nephew all he eats buttered pasta. That’s it. I mean, he’s been on that kick for months now, and he’s slowly getting out of it. And he’s starting to try other foods, and this is what kids do. kids go through phases they go through I’m going to eat nothing but this, and oh, now I’m going to try this. And I mean nothing of that, you know, and I’m going to eat a little bit, and then I’ll come back and have some more kids. Adults, when they’re not messed up by stupid narcissists and stupid abusers, know what and how to eat. Okay? It’s only when you get these asshat adults that are interfering that the kid is told no, you don’t know what you want. No, you don’t want that. No, you don’t? No, no, no, no, no. And the kids going, yeah, yeah, yeah, what are you doing? And then the kid, in an effort to try to appease, does whatever the abusive parent tells them to so, but then the parent again, too much, not enough, too much. Not enough kid can never be right at birth on this or any other planet. So anyway, that is that I just wanted to hit on some of these articles. So um, okay, so this is Psychology Today, where my glasses Good lord. Okay.

So, this is talking about anorexia. And other eating disorders are commonly found in cultures and settings where thinness is seen as highly desirable. Ah, that’s what I wanted to hit on. So, something that is concerning to me, too, is parents, oftentimes, especially abusive parents, basically let their kids get on to tik tok on to Instagram on to, you know, all the social media stuff, and they’re not monitoring what the kids are watching. And there are several sites that are promoting stupid things that are dangerous. And they’re promoting anorexia, and you want to be very careful that you want to have a talk with your kid about healthy eating and healthy, exercising, and healthy, you know, ways of being so especially because in our society, we do worship thin we do we worship, you know, physically fit to the MCU degree, do you see where I’m going with that?

So, and again, I think I’ve told the story when I was in LA, and I was doing auditions, I weighed 120 pounds. I’m five, seven, I’m not short. And the casting director was like, Oh, we really want you for this role, but you need to get down to 100 pounds. So, they wanted me to lose another 20 pounds. I was starving myself to stay at 120. I really should be like 140 150. And I just looked at them. And I said, Nope, I like, I like lasagna, sorry, you know, find somebody else. And that’s when I left the business because I was like, this is massively unhealthy. And that was during the time period of Ally McBeal when everybody needed to have the body of a 14-year-old boy. So that has changed a little bit. But the other thing that’s coming out now, too, is over-exercising and over-dieting, you know, trying to get that MCU kind of body, both male and female. It’s not just women that suffer from this men suffer from anorexia and bulimia, and binge purging as well. Especially if the parents are interfering with that normal development; of do I like this? Do I not like this? You know, getting back to my nephew. I know, I’m all over the place today. But it, like I said, this was such a complex issue. I was like, how am I going to tackle this? I’m getting back to my nephew. So yes, he’s been eating butter, butter pasta for months, and now he’s trying something else. But something that I really love when I’m with my kids, my great nieces, my great nephews, etc., is we encourage them to try something new. And so, what we’ll do is we’ll say, hey, why don’t you try something new I’ll you pick what you would normally pick I’ll eat that if you really liked the new thing, you eat that, and if you don’t, we’ll switch, and you eat what you would normally eat, and I’ll eat the new thing.

So, it gives them like an out, you know? So, it’s good, it’s a good way to do it. So, what did my niece call it. She called it like her dinner buddy. So, I’m her dinner buddy. So she can try new things. And if she doesn’t like it, she can give it to me. So that’s a great way to get kids to try something new because then they’re not stuck. If they don’t like it. You don’t have this asshat of a parent standing over them going, you know, everything on your plate. No, if the kid doesn’t like it, the kid doesn’t like it. I vividly remember being in San Francisco, and my sister ordered a salad that had was its squid? I can’t remember Calamari. I don’t remember what it was. But the thing came out, and the tentacles were dangling over the side of the dish. And my father just sat there and laughed because he was sadistic. And he knew she wasn’t going to enjoy this, and he insisted she eat the whole thing. I’ve never seen somebody turn that particular color of green. Oh my god. I mean, he wouldn’t let her get a hamburger. He wouldn’t let her. He insisted that we all had to try something different, and we had to stick with it. And I’m just like, that’s sadistic. Um sorry. That’s just That’s cruel. It’s cruel. You don’t do that to kids. If you want kids to be adventurous eaters, you make it fun for them. You make it safe. Okay? And that is that is a word that abusers don’t like and don’t understand. They don’t understand fun. They don’t understand safe.

So, anyway, there is that okay getting back to this article, okay? Mm-hmm. The onset of eating disorders can also be associated with stressful life events for young adults; leaving home can be such an event for older adults’ life transitions. Returning to work after raising a family, finding a job, separation divorce, or abuse can precipitate the symptoms of eating disorders. temperamental factors, such as perfectionism and obsessive traits, and childhood are also associated with eating disorders. Well, gee, where do you think we got those from? I’ll Oh, wait. Yeah, you know, where we got those from those. The perfectionism is handed to us by an abuser. Everything has to be perfect. Everything has to please them. We have to make sure they’re happy. Oh, yeah. You betcha. That goes along with cleaning the plate.

Kris Godinez  26:13

Oh, okay. There’s also, hormones may play a part in this genetic factors may also play a part in this. But really, the basic thing is that they’re saying that they’re seeing a huge connection to emotional abuse and negative beliefs. So that was Psychology Today, I just all I did was look at eating disorder Psychology Today, and this one is very well mind.com. This talks about the emotional abuse and the negative beliefs. Now this one is called eating disorder. hope.com How binge eating exhibits in victims of trauma. And this is something that I don’t think a lot of people are talking about. They might start they might be talking about it now. But in the recent past man, they never made that association between being abused emotionally, physically, religiously, and otherwise, and having eating disorders, and they are now making those connections. So, it can be used to numb overeating, can be used to numb it’s a way to take control. We talked about that. feelings of unworthiness, victims’ partners with abuse begin to believe that they are worthless. Because those asshats tell us that every damn chance they get, You betcha. The behavior of the abuser reinforces the belief since they don’t feel worthwhile, or if they matter, binge eating can be seen as a way to confirm this belief. Since they are unworthy, they don’t care for themselves. Binge Eating is the manifestation of not caring about self. It’s confirmed and reinforced by the abuse. This is a vicious cycle of I must not matter, or else this person wouldn’t hurt me. So, if I’m treated poorly, then I must deserve it and the binge eating ensues, which is a mistaken thought it’s a mistaken thought it’s a mistaken belief.

So, if you are having binging if you are doing, you know, anorexia, restricting calories, things like that, please, please, please get with a good trauma therapist and get with somebody who understands eating disorders, you’re going to need to work on that because the mistaken thought the mistaken belief is what’s driving the behavior. And it’s deadly, it’ll kill you. It’s, it will kill you. If you restrict your calories enough, you’ll have a heart attack and die, your electrolytes will be off all sorts of terrible things happen. Kidney failure, you know, it just no bueno.

So just because a romantic partner or even a parent has said that you’re not worthy. They’re talking about themselves. I cannot stress this enough. Every single time one of these asshats has told their kid that they’re not worthy or you don’t you, I should have aborted you. That’s another one. I’ve heard them say I shouldn’t have had you. I wish I’d never had children. Bla bla bla, that tells the kid they’re not worthy. And kids are sensitive. Nobody wants to hear that they’re not worthy. But what kids don’t understand and I wish I knew this when I was little. Is that every time something nasty came out of their mouths it was really about them. It’s all projection. It’s all this. The vitriolic nasty vomit launch about who they are not who we were. And that’s what I want you guys to work on. I want you guys to work on self-esteem. I want you to work on boundaries. I want you to work on understanding what they said what they did, how they acted towards food was not about us. I know. It’s like what do you mean, it wasn’t about us? It was all about us. Well, they made it all about us. But in reality, everything was about them. Everything was about everything was about them 110%. Using food to self soothe when you’re in an abusive relationship. We talked about that. I’m okay. So basically, super important get with a really good therapist.

This next one is on CNN. This is Your teen wants to get in shape this summer? What to say and when to worry. Because you don’t want them. Why are they wanting to get into shape? Number one, you want it for the right reasons, not the wrong reasons. So, they suggest a book called Raising Body Positive Teens. A Parent’s Guide to diet-free living, exercise, and body image. Raising body positive teens, A Parent’s Guide to diet free living, exercise, and body image. And I think that’s hugely important. So um, yeah, so there is that so? Yeah.

Do they do this on purpose? You betcha. Is it to control manipulate? mess with your head? Yeah. Is it to interfere with our natural relationship? Well think about it if we have sovereignty over our bodies. That’s another aspect they can’t control, and they can’t stand the idea of not being in control over everything. So eating is a way to have sovereignty over our body. We know what we want. We know what we don’t want. I know what I’m hungry. I know what I’m not hungry. You know, but they take that away from us, you will eat everything, or I’m not going to give you anything, I don’t care that you say you’re hungry. Did you see that? Do you see the black and white? Do you see the crazy? Hello? Cray cray. Anyway, yeah, that is pretty much that, um, how are we doing on time?

Okay, I think it’s time to get to the question. So just to summarize, if you were in an abusive relationship, the likelihood is, is they probably mentioned your weight at some point, especially during the devalue in the discard. If you were raised by abusive parents, the likelihood is that they messed with your natural development of your relationship with food. So really, what we want to do is we want to get back to food is necessary and it’s pleasurable. And it’s something we need to do every day in order to sustain our bodies’ exercises, the same thing. So, getting into a healthy mindset, self-esteem, really challenging the mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs that the abuser shoved into our heads. And understanding that we are worthy of self-love, we are worthy of self-nourishment, we are worthy of enjoying our food, we are worthy of feeling because, remember, they love to shut off feelings love to shut off feelings, and kids are nothing but feelings. So that kids got to do something with it. So yeah, this is all it’s all intentional. 110% They absolutely know what they’re doing. They’re sadists, they’re mean, their cruel, and they hide it behind. Oh, I’m saying this for your own good. You’re telling the kid they’re fat for their own good. What the frick? No. So it’s all about them. It’s not about you really get with a good trauma therapist or working on the emotional abuse around food. I think that’s hugely important. I don’t know any of us who have come out of one of these relationships that didn’t have kind of a messed-up relationship with food. I tend to overeat. I absolutely do. And I’ve been struggling with that my entire life.

You know, that’s why I got a trainer, and that’s why I’ve been working. And that’s what I’ve been doing all these things. So yeah, it’s important to work on it. It’s important to challenge those mistaken thoughts and mistaken beliefs. You did not deserve that. It’s okay to enjoy food. It’s okay to feed yourself. You know, mirror work that’s going to be huge. Hi. Good to see you. Have a great day. You know what, what your parents said about food was a load of doo doo. You and you don’t have to believe that and walk out. So yeah, get with a good trauma therapist. Work on this. This is going to be important. Okay, let’s dive into the questions.

Do narcissistic parents often force the child to eat food that is bad? Yes, absolutely. 110% I think a talked about that. I was forced to eat foods that had gone off. Oh, you mean bad, bad. Oh, yes, they do. Uh huh. Or tasted very badly burned and at times became very ill from that. Yes. Because their sadists 110% They God. Have you ever noticed that narcissists cannot stand it when somebody is enjoying something? And so, they have to ruin it? So, food is very pleasurable. If it’s done, right? Like sex. It’s very pleasurable, if it’s done right. So, it’s the same thing. It’s like they have to ruin it. They have to they can’t stand it if somebody is enjoying something that is normal to enjoy. because they don’t feel and they’re sadists so remember it’s a dark triad thing if they’re psychopaths narcissistic control freaks, okay? That that whole triangle, they’re sadists, you show me a dark triad. I’ll show you a sadistic mother clucker. You know what I’m saying? So, they’re sadists and they enjoy watching you suffer. And that’s why they do that. That’s it and remember, there is a huge part of them that wants us dead. Seriously, they want their target of abuse dead. Two reasons. One, it’s the ultimate power and control move.

Kris Godinez  35:42

They liken themselves to God. When they do that. Look, I have power over life and death. A lot of psychopaths, when they do their interviews in the jail, there is that aspect of I am godlike. In that I took life away, I am God. Seriously. They’re crazy. So yes, they absolutely will feed kids food that is not good has gone off. Is moldy is dangerous to eat, and they will then punish them for getting sick. or other types of things. Oh, okay. Yes, they absolutely do that. You’re 110% Correct.

Hi, Chris. My amygdala hijacks have been presenting me, preventing me from doing what I know I should be doing because I prefer staying in the safe zone. How do I get over this? Okay. So, getting out of our comfort zone is extremely anxiety-producing but necessary. So basically, you’re going to take baby steps. So, you start with giving yourself a pep talk in the mirror. Hi. Good to see you. Have a great day. You know what, it’s okay to leave your safe zone. You’re safe. You’re okay. You can do this. And then walk out. And you do that for like a month and see how you’re feeling. So, remember, it’s what we tell ourselves is how we feel. I know it’s weird, but it’s true. So, what we tell ourselves is how we feel, so if we’re constantly going, this is dangerous. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, that our amygdala is going to be like, Screw you. I’m not doing it, you know, right. But if we go in and we go, You know what, I can do this. You know what this is? Okay. You know what? It’s okay for me to be scared. But I’m not going to let the scare stop me from doing what I know. I want to do. So, baby steps, get with a good trauma therapist. Seriously, who stopped you? Who stopped you? Who, What parent, what caregiver, what teacher, what abuser, whoever was, who made it not safe, who made it not safe to explore? So healthy, normal parents allow their kids to explore the world. They’re not helicopter parents. They’re not like, you know, preventing them from falling. And you know, all of this stuff, you let the kid fall. That’s how kids learn balance, quite literally and figuratively. And really. So, we’ve ever watched a baby walk, learn how to walk, you know, they kind of push themself up, and they toddle along for a little bit. And then they go ka thunk.  And then they giggle, hopefully. And then they push themselves up. And then they toddle along for a little bit longer. And then they go clunk. But that’s how they learn balance. That’s how they learn to get back up on their feet. interesting metaphor. Narcissists don’t want us to get back up on our feet. So, they scare us with, you know, oh, this is dangerous. Oh, you can’t do this, or you can’t do that.

So, like, for example, in 1986, I was 21 years old. 22 years old. How old was God? 21. Um, I went to Europe, I backpacked across Europe saved up the money. And I went, and I, you know, didn’t tell my dad obviously, because he would have sabotaged it. told my mom tried to sabotage it. And she was like, don’t go to any communist countries. So, I made a beeline for East Germany. And in part, because I’m a rebel, I think there is a part of me that is very rebellious. But also, to it was like I needed to prove her wrong. I just did. It was like, you know, she’s so terrified over everything. No, I’m going to go. And I talked about this, I think, on Wednesday, so I went to East Germany. It was great. It was fabulous. I’m glad I went, I got to see the wall before they tore it down. Three years later, I got to meet East Germans. You know, it was interesting being followed by the police the entire time I was there. Made sure I didn’t break any rules. But you know, it was. I’m glad I did it. It really was a confidence booster to do something that I was told I couldn’t do. And I think that’s the thing. is that as soon as an abuser tells their kids Oh, you can’t do this, oh, you’re not, you’re not this enough, you’re not that enough. You can’t. That’s the very thing that kids should do. Because that’s the worst fear of the abuser is that kid is going to step out of their comfort zone. Boy, howdy, those wings are going to come out, and they’re going to fly seriously. I’m not kidding you. They don’t want you to fly. They don’t want you to be adventurous. They don’t want you to explore who you are. They don’t want you to outdo them. We talked about that. They don’t want you to succeed where they failed. And you know, the more intimidated they are by somebody, the more their threats are personal. And along the lines of danger, you’re going to get hurt. You’re going to get killed. You’re going to. You’re not smart enough. You’re not this enough. You’re not pretty enough. You’re not, you know, blah, blah, blah, or handsome enough, or whatever. And that just shows me how intimidated they are by that kid, that kid is obviously got the skill to do what they want to do, and that abuser does not want them to succeed. So yeah, they absolutely do that.

So, what you’re going to do is baby steps, and you’re going to start writing yourself letters to your inner children, hey, little kids inside, and guess what, we’re going on an adventure. Here are the things we want to do. It’s going to be scary. And we can do this absolutely. 110% The Inner Child Workbook, Lucia Cappacchione or Catherine Taylor, Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. Get with a good trauma therapist, work through the fears. What are the fears? Are they real? Are they not? So, write them down, write them down, and challenge them.  Now, danger is real. Putting your hand on a hot stove is real. Thinking about putting your hand on a hot stove is not. See where I’m going with that. So, what abusers love to do is they love to fill your head with all of these what if? What if? What if? What if, what if, what if, what if? Well, you’re living in a future that has not and probably will not happen. There’s only here and now. So obviously, you be safe. You do, you know, safe in that You know, you take the necessary precautions, but you don’t let the fear stop you. Does that make sense? I kind of view the fears that my mom and my dad shoved into my head as the enemy. I really do. It’s kind of like, oh, yeah, you’re. Yeah, you want me to not do all of these things? Watch me mother. Clucker. Seriously, seriously.

Now, obviously, I’m not going to do something stupid, like go walk down a dark alley at two o’clock at the morning. But you know, it’s like as far as all of their stuff, it was all don’t explore, you know, don’t go see, don’t learn for yourself. Don’t try something; you could fail that that was all of their stuff. Because it couldn’t stand failure. They couldn’t stand failure. They’re talking about themselves, not me. Failure is a part of life. That’s how we learn. When we fail. We go well, crap, that didn’t work. Now what, and you try something different. That’s all it means. But to an abuser, they will take that failure. They will rub the kid’s nose in it and make sure they never try again. It’s intentional guys. It’s intentional. Everything they do is geared to keep us with them not leaving. So, getting over the fear. When the amygdala starts acting up, it’s going to act up, you just self-soothe, and you breathe. So, one of the things, too, that helps me when I do something that I’m not confident about or something that I’m a little scared off. I start imagining okay, how is this going to? How does this going to feel? How is this going to go? What am I thinking? What am I feeling? So, I start kind of working my way through it before I’ve done it. Does that make sense? So, you just kind of imagine, you know, it’s like, what is this thing I want to do? Okay, where’s the fear coming in? Oh, oh, it’s because mom and dad said XYZ. Well, guess what, Mom and Dad, you’re not a part of this adventure. I’m safe. I’m okay. I can do this. So that’s how you start overcoming that amygdala panic attack needing to stay in the safety zone. You know, you the fun. It’s, it’s funny. It’s like, here’s the safety zone. Here’s the fun. So, you want to go for the fun. You want to go try and do new things, you know, so you’re going to have to talk your way through it get with a good trauma therapist.

Do narcissists themselves have eating disorders. My narcissist parent was morbidly obese. Yes, and a secret eater, and she would raid the cupboards at night when everyone else was asleep and eat everything. Well, yes, absolutely they can. But it’s usually think about it this way. narcissists usually have an addiction of some sort, usually. So, but it’s different than the self-soothing addiction that the targets of abuse have. So, narcissists will usually not always but usually they will have either and eating disordered eating too much, or like a sex addiction. So, they tend to have addictions they do. I think it’s because they want to feel, again, in that that’s not so different but going in and eating everything in the cupboard shame-based that’s definitely shame based not eating in front of people.

Kris Godinez  45:24

That’s a shame-based thing. And one of the schools of thoughts on abusers is that they have a great deal of shame. I’m not entirely sure that’s always the case. I don’t think it is. But yeah, they are absolutely. They’ve usually got some sort of addiction. So, I’m not surprised. I really am not surprised.

Kris, can exposure to narcissism cause a person to have a nihilistic perspective? Questions? Like, why? Why live when you’re going to die one day often bother me? Wow, that’s an existential crisis. So yeah, it does. It can. Absolutely. So existential crises are common in adult children that have been raised by abusers because, especially oh my god, especially if the abuser was religious. Okay. So, one of the things that I have struggled with, which is why I kind of it’s like I consider myself a Christian, but I follow the Buddhist philosophy. One of the things I have struggled with is the whole God thing. It’s like, why would God allow these types to exist? So, yeah, we have existential crisis things, you know, that is a common one, and you’re not wrong for having it, you’re not. It’s just that you seen crap, and you start questioning everything. And it does give us a nihilistic attitude. And I think, honestly, that’s their intention. So, the tact that I have taken, and this has helped me, is that abusers cannot stand optimism at all, period. They hate optimistic people. They hate joy. They hate laughter. You know that whole thing devil runs from laughter who boy howdy, is that true? So, they want their targets of abuse to be hopeless, to be completely hopeless. Well, what’s the point? Why, why are we here? We’re all going to die anyway. We’re all going to be maggot food. Anyway, so my take on that is okay, yeah, we’re all going to die anyway, you betcha. And I’ll tell you what, I’m going to have the most fun I can possibly have. And I’m going to help the most people I can possibly can between now and that point in time. It’s just a choice. It’s a choice. It’s kind of like, Okay, do I allow the abusers to basically piss on my campfire and make the rest of my life miserable? Or do I go, yeah, we’re finite, we are finite. We are the stuff of stars, as Carl Sagan used to say and, and I don’t know what comes after this. I hope it’s something good. You know, I would love it if we did have reincarnation and all that sort of good stuff. Or if there was a heaven or, you know, whatever. Um, and I choose to be optimistic. I choose to be like, yeah, really, there’s a point. There’s a point. There’s a reason I’m here. There’s, there’s a, I’m doing the best I can with what I got. I’m helping as many people as I can. And I am going to enjoy the crap out of this place until I leave. And plus, the fact to it’s like, I’ve got great nieces and great nephews, and I love taking them to new places, showing them new things, helping them get over whatever little fears they have, you know, encouraging them to be them. That to me is like, awesome sauce.

So, it is common for us to have that nihilistic… now, when I was probably, Yeah, high school. Absolutely suicidal. I was absolutely suicidal because I couldn’t see a way out. Like, you know, I was stuck in the house. My dad was abusing me. My mom knew he was abusing me. She wasn’t doing anything. I really did get stuck in that existential crisis of what is the frickin point, right? After I left, I continued therapy. I had started therapy with Ruth Hornaday and Chico, and then I went to the counselors at Chico State. And I continued my therapy then I found Fabian Smith in Portland. And I kept working on that, and I realized that that nihilistic nothing matters. You might as well be miserable. You know, bla bla bla bla bla, that was my dad. That was all my dad. He wanted everyone around him to be miserable. So as kind of a middle finger to him, I’m kind of like, nope, guess what? I found Buddhism. Ah, you know, I’m going to have a good time. And I’m going to help as many people as I can. And yeah, do I occasionally have those thoughts? Yeah, especially when something happens, you know, that I read about in the news where somebody has been harmed, especially a kid or a dog or cat, or any living being, and you know, you kind of go, what? Then then you have to be like, okay, deep breath, deep breath, deep breath, how can I make this world a better place? What can I do? Right? That’s, you know, it’s a choice. It’s a choice. And if you are interested in reading up on existential crisis, read Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, he survived the Holocaust. And it was all about how he found whatever it was that helped him get through that and to not lose who he was. And that’s what they want. They want us to lose who we are. By making things so miserable by torturing us by being harmful and hurtful and negative and nasty. They want us to lose who we basically are. And who we basically are…are little bundles of light that love. That’s what we are, love is the highest power. And they can understand that, and they want to extinguish that light like nobody’s business. Don’t let them extinguish that light. And the ironic thing is what saved me from suicide was that I used to listen to Robin Williams tapes all the time. And eventually, he ended up killing himself, unfortunately. But he, his humor, his humor helped me get through my crazy family, Monty Python, that helped me get through my crazy families. Steve. Ah, Steve Martin, Steve Martin helped me get through that. Martin Short helped me get through that second city TV helped me get through that. So, finding the joy, finding the humor, finding the silly that really helped. And you don’t ignore that there is suffering you don’t you acknowledge it. You know, and you do occasionally have those times where you’re just like, what? What’s going on? God, I don’t get it. Don’t understand. But you know, that’s normal. So that’s okay. But don’t unpack your luggage there, is what I’m saying. So, Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl. It’s a good book, a little depressing, but it’s a very good book. So that’s what I recommend. Okay, um, alright.

Do you think a narcissist could binge eat just to brag that they can afford it too? Yeah, I might. I be I’m not surprised if anything they do. I’m sure there was trauma, but it didn’t seem like she was numbing anything. She did eat herself to death. Yeah, that is a very weird bragging right. So, narcissists will flaunt their wealth in the weirdest ways. Whether it’s, you know, binge eating or ordering the most expensive thing ever, whenever they go out, or, you know, collecting extremely expensive cars, or, you know, stuff, stuff and things, they’re all about stuff and things. And if they use it for bragging rights, and yeah, absolutely, yeah. And remember, the narcissist has to be the smartest, the most, you know, well respected, etc., etc., etc., person in the room. So that does not surprise me.

Can using humor as a way to cope be a bad thing? Only if you are actively avoiding the issue. Does that make sense? So, some people use humor to keep people at arm’s length. That’s never a good thing. You are finding humor, gallows humor. So, for example, in working in my profession, a lot of us have got gallows humor because we hear the most horrible things on a daily basis. It’s like there was a meme that I posted on my personal page. And it said something like I’m currently experiencing at. I’m currently experiencing life at several 1000 WTF per second. Like, yeah, that yeah, that works. So yeah, using humor to not address the real issue or the real emotion that that is not healthy, but using humor to kind of cope with the maybe the trauma or the seriousness of the situation that can be healthy. As long as you’re not harming somebody else. Does that make sense? So, it’s kind of like, you don’t want to start laughing at a funeral, for example. You may go outside and do that. But do you see where I’m going with that? So, it’s like you don’t want to hurt other people. And you want to be respectful of yourself and others. But using humor is a good way to cope with a lot of heavy, heavy stuff. That’s why I love Star Trek, I love Strange New Worlds.

Kris Godinez  55:05

They do this wonderful mix of humor, and then a really serious subject, lightened with humor, and then back to the serious subject so that you can take it in. We tend to learn things better and remember things better if it is associated with the endorphins, the dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. So that’s my humor is so great in teaching, in that you make it pleasurable, and the students will learn, the students will remember the lesson because they’re like, oh, yeah, that was a great lesson. That’s what I love. Yeah. And I laughed at that. And oh, yeah, that’s Oh, but that’s serious. But yeah, I remember. So that’s what you want to do. So that’s why incorporating humor is so important. And it’s so funny.

I had a professor who shall remain nameless because he was a dip, um, that never wanted to use humor. I don’t remember a damn thing that man said. But I had another Professor, John Nixon who made me laugh the whole damn time. I remember everything he said. So, you know, its humor is important. Humor has its place. Just make sure you’re not pushing the real emotion away, that you are allowing yourself to express and feel it, and that you’re not trampling over other people’s maybe need to express a different emotion. But yeah, humor is a good coping mechanism. It really is. I mean, it got me in a lot of trouble with my dad because he would say something absolutely ludicrous. And I would point it out. And then I would get hit, but you know what, worth it because it’s like, spoke truth. There you go. So ya know, humor is important. Humor is a coping skill, but don’t use it to push people away. And don’t allow the humor to stop you from processing whatever is underneath going on.

Okay, my loves. So that is it for today. Let me see what we’re talking about. Next week. Do get over here. June shows. There we go. Okay, so next week is, Oh, yeah, the 18^th, which is Father’s Day. We’re going to be talking about what is up with the smear. Why do they smear? What do they smear with? Flying Monkeys? That whole thing because, apparently this is up for a lot of people. So, we’re going to talk about smear campaign, we’re going to talk about what is up with the smear, what they what they get out of it, etc., etc. And how you can rise above

All right, my love’s you guys go have a great week. Drink plenty of water, take good care of yourselves. Work on your relationship with food, normalize a healthy relationship with food. You did not deserve all of their vitriol and all of the craziness they spewed all over you about their issues with food. So, work on that Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, and C-PTSD from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. The Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker. A lot of this has to go back to inner child because that’s where our relationship with food usually started getting messed up with them. The Inner Child Workbook, Catherine Taylor, or Lucia Cappacchione. Alright, you guys go. Have a great week and I will talk to you on Wednesday with any questions that didn’t get to you. And other questions that come in during the week. All right, talk to you guys later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.

The post 06-11-2023 Our Relationship With Food appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

01:01

Okay, current events. All right. In the last week or so, there have been more shootings and more stabbings. And so there was the Club Q shootings, there was the Walmart shootings, and there was the Idaho stabbings of the four students. And again, guys, it’s not the weapon, it’s the mental health. I cannot stress this enough. Healthy, sane people thinking clearly do not act on murderous impulses. Let me just say that, again, healthy, sane people do not act on murderous impulses. Have there been times when you’re just like, why I ought to… Yeah, I’m sure there have been, but you don’t act on them. You know what I’m saying? So again, it’s not the weapons, if somebody is determined to kill, they will find whatever they can find machetes, knives, poison, you name it. It’s not the weapons, it is the mental health we this country, Sweet baby Jesus needs mental health reform like nobody’s business. It has always been a thing in our country that Oh, my Lord, my hair is going everywhere. It has always been a thing in our country that mental health has been stigmatized, like insanely.

So, like, if you had in the old days if you had depression, or anxiety, or anything like that, you were basically thrown into an institution and given shock treatments or cold-water treatments or whatever. And, you know, hidden away from society, children who had autism or mental health issues, or they were slow or whatever, would be shoved into attics and just kind of, you know, oh, we don’t talk about we don’t talk about Bruno, that kind of thing. So, um, mental health needs to be reformed in this country it does. And then of course, I get the opposite, where people are like, oh, well, but you’re bagging on narcissists Damn straight I am, I will never defend an abuser because it’s a choice. They’re choosing to do that. So again, the legal definition of insanity is delusional, not knowing right from wrong. These Jack wagons know right from wrong, and they’re choosing to do wrong. So, getting back to the stigma of mental health, it’s important that we start demanding it; it’s important that we start saying, hey, hello, public health issue because it is when somebody thinks it’s perfectly okay to grab a gun and go into a store, or go into a nightclub, or go into, you know, a rental place with a knife and kill people in their beds. Houston, we got a big problem. We got a big problem. There’s not a day that goes by that there isn’t a story on shootings stabbings. You know, things like that. Runway drivers intentionally trying to commit suicide by cop or trying to commit suicide by driving the wrong way on the freeways that happens in Phoenix. Oh my god. Yeah, so anyway, mental health needs to be addressed in this country. And if it was guys, we would see less of these violent acts, and there wouldn’t be this nonverbal permission for the abusers to abuse. Think about it that way. So, if you want to make a difference get on the horn get on your computer contact your congressman your representative your whoever your town council. It needs to start locally do it to the town council as well. Get a hold of your town council get a hold of your senator your state senator, your federal Senator whatever, get a hold of them and just be like dude, dudette this is a problem. This is a problem, and here’s why it’s a problem, and here’s where we need to fix it. So anyway, there endth the rant that is my news for the week because it’s I, just it makes me angry that these people are slipping through the cracks. And of course, the relatives of the shooter in Colorado, were like, oh, there were no signs hmmm I’m calling BS. You know, so yeah, it these people are slipping through the cracks, and they’re going on to become violent. And it’s a danger to society if you want to look at it that way. It’s a danger to society, walking into a Walmart shooting up your, your coworkers… danger to society. You know, it just, it needs to be addressed. So, there it is. Alright, I’m done. Okay, fine. All right.

05:40

All right. So, moving on. Um, so this week is you are your own hero, you are! Now, something that has been coming up for a lot of my clients over the years, not just recently, but over the years, is this desire or wish to be saved. And totally understandable. You’re in an abusive situation you want the fairy godmother or the knight in shining armor or whatever to come save you, you do, and that… it is very much an inner child thing. So, let’s kind of address what’s going on. And then we’re going to talk about ways you can save yourself because, ultimately, you do save yourself. It’s not somebody else that saves you. It’s you that saves you, and you have the power. It’s kind of like… how to explain. It’s kind of like in The Wizard of Oz, when Glenda looks at Dorothy and says you’ve had the power all along. Of course, at that point, I probably would have throat-punched her, but you know, I mean, it’s like you couldn’t have told me this three and a half hours ago. Um, but you know, you have the power all along. You do. It’s just that we’ve been unempowered, we’ve been disenfranchised, we’ve been, what’s the word I’m looking for? We’ve been, we’ve been lied to by our abusers, no matter who the abuser was, whether that was, you know, boss, or a romantic partner, or family or whatever, and their greatest desire is to kill us, soul death. That’s what they want. They want us dead, dead, dead.

07:12

So, and the way that they do that is that they take away our power and they lie to us. So, when they’re doing the love bombing, right, they’re mirroring us back to them. Okay. So are us back to you know, their Lord. They take our best qualities; they pretend to have them, and they mirror back to us. Okay, that’s the love bombing. And so that’s why we think, oh my gosh, this person is like my other half. Oh my gosh, this person is exactly like me. You know, it’s like, so they mirror the best of us back to ourselves. And, but, and when they start doing the whole what is the word? I’m looking for devalue and discard? They take the best of us, and they start damning us for it. So, let’s say that they loved you for your sense of humor. Suddenly you’re so childish, you’re so this. You’re so that… ba,ba,ba,ba,ba, right? And then, or they loved you for your free spirit or your emotionality, right? That you’re able to feel well, Oh, you’re too sensitive, you’re too this or to that. Well, then we start believing, um, we start believing them. And we start believing that we are all of the horrible things that they are saying, that is a soul death. So, they are projecting their stuff on to us. It is not us.

So how do we save ourselves? First of all, you’ve got to recognize you’re in an abusive relationship. This… if anyone, I don’t care who the hell they think they are, starts telling you that all the things they loved about you are suddenly now not okay. Oh, Houston, there is a problem. If they start saying things like, you know, You’re too sensitive. You’re too this, you’re too that there’s a problem. And it’s them. I can’t remember what song I was listening to. I think it was Ava max. And she was talking about how you might as well look in the mirror and point a little finger at yourself because maybe you’re the problem talking about them. And it’s so funny because so many of us think that we’re the problem. And we’re not. They are the problem. healthy, normal people again, do not seek to destroy other people. If they’re not getting along. If the relationship isn’t working out. You have the hard talk; hey, this isn’t working out. You know, I wish you the best good luck. God bless, and you part company, and you don’t have any more to do with each other. With a narcissist. They continually sail back in and sail back in and sail back in, and it’s so hard to heal when you’re still in the environment in which you are being damaged. So, I wanted to talk about ways in which to save yourself

10:00

So Okay, first of all is acknowledging that you’re in an abusive relationship. Second of all, is not acknowledging it’s not you, it’s them. It really honest to God is! Healthy, normal people don’t seek to destroy other people, we just don’t. It’s like, it’s not like competition people, I want everybody to win, you know, that they’re very much in a competition, they’re very much into put downs, harm, hurt, etc, etc, etc.

Okay, so let’s talk about 19 critical ways to save you. And this is by Leon Seltzer PhD. Okay, so he talks about, stop assuming the past dysfunctional programming, from your family represents who you really are. And that’s huge. So, number one is recognizing Yeah, we’re in a dysfunctional relationship. The number two thing is, especially if it’s coming from a family, family of origin. What do families of origin love to do? They love to lie to us. They love to lie to us, and they love to engage in drama and chaos. And something I’ve heard in this was in my own family as well. Oh, all families are dysfunctional? No, they’re not. Oh, all families do this. Oh, all families have drama. Oh, all families. Well, all families may have drama, but they don’t have the entire you know, Vic Old Vic Theatre showing up in the house every single day, you know what I’m saying. So, um, so all families lie, all families cheat, all…. So that is something that abusers say if you hear a blanket statement like that, that is something that they say to get us to normalize the abuse. So, we got to stop normalizing the abuse. And that can be very challenging when we haven’t had role models to show us what healthy is. So, my thing is find role models, whether they’re in reality, or if they’re on a movie, or a book, or somebody that you admire, you know, it’s like, look for healthier role models, until you can surround yourself with healthy people. So okay, so you are not doomed to be whoever your family said you are. And, and this is one of the ways that we save ourselves is that we recognize the lie now when we start recognizing the lie. That is when the abusers really go after us and really do the whole scapegoat thing, and how dare you see the pink elephant and I don’t want you to see the pink elephant and go back to your role. They want us in those neat little boxes that they can manipulate, control, etc, etc.

So, we also get stuck with… our family does a lot of sabotaging and they do the whole well, you can’t do that. You can’t become a teacher; you can’t do that. You know you can’t go to college, you can’t, you know, whatever it is you want to become a mechanic, you can’t do whatever it is you want to do. They put limitations on his romantic partners, we’ll do that as well. You know, if you suddenly if you’re with an abuser, and you suddenly decide you want to better yourself, and you want to do something different, and you want to maybe go to college or take up a trade or, you know, do something, you know, go socialize or do so. Oh, you can’t do that. Oh, you’re not; you’re not meant for that. You’re not good at it. Right? I’ll tell you what. The second somebody tells me I can’t do something. That’s when the middle fingers come flying out. And I go try it. Absolutely separate bungee jumping. I won’t. Or parachuting. I don’t see the point in jumping out of a perfectly good plane. But anyway, the point being is if somebody says, you know, you can’t, you got to, you got to serve Lea, wait a minute, I can they don’t want me to let’s call it what it is, right? I can do this. They just don’t want me to. Hmm. Interesting. Why? What is up with that? Right? So, you start questioning all of the cans and shouldn’t and, you know, things like that. It’s like, were they being said out of concern? Or were they being said out of I want to keep you in your nice neat little box that I can control. So that is something to think about. So, we do get these self-defeating thoughts, but they come directly from the family of origin. Oh, I can’t do that. Oh, I can’t do that. No, stop. This is not about them. It is now about you. What do you want? What do you want? Not what they want. Not what makes them comfortable? Because, remember, growth is uncomfortable. It is. When you’re learning something new, you’re doing something new, you’re going somewhere new. It’s always uncomfortable, and what do abusers hate more than anything else change and what do they really hate is you growing, so they will do anything they can to keep you stuck.

So, are you stopping yourself by just repeating the can’ts and shouldn’ts? Right, so it’s kind of the flip side of perfectionism, so the perfection is it perfectionism is I have to be perfect. This one is don’t even try, right? So, you want to get rid of both of those. You want to get rid of both of those because the perfectionism stops us but also, you can’t even try stops us. So, this is where we come in and save ourselves by getting rid of the you can’t you shouldn’t the fear, it’s a lot of fear. And it’s not even ours. It’s not even ours.

Okay, hold on. break free of your belittling habits of self-criticism, this is another way to save yourself. So, our abusers not only tell us you can’t ,you can’t, you can’t, you can’t or you shouldn’t, you shouldn’t, you shouldn’t, you shouldn’t. They will then sit there and tell us we’re stupid. That were you know, not you know, you physically can’t do that; you’re a guy or you’re a girl, you shouldn’t do that. Oh my god. Yeah, the gender stuff just drives me crazy. Oh, well, you’re a guy. So, you can’t become a therapist. What? No, therapy needs more men. Thank you very much. You know, or you’re a woman, you can’t become an astronaut. You know, I got that when I was growing up because I grew up in the 60s and 70s. So, it was this whole, you know, you can’t do it because of your sex, or you can’t do it because, you know, you’re not whatever. So, they’re talking about themselves when abusers predict your doom. They are speaking of themselves? They are they absolutely would anyone predict your do; they are talking about their experience and them and their limitations, and their BS going off in their heads has nothing to do with you. But as kids and as a romantic partners, or as maybe an employee, if we haven’t done the work on self-esteem and really gotten a strong grasp of who we are, we tend to believe them. Because either they’re adults, they’re our parents, or they’re an authority figure, or they’re our romantic partner, and we’ve trusted them, and we believe what they say. So, it’s really going to be a lot of challenging, challenging the thoughts challenging what’s being said to you? Is this me, or is this them, kind of thing. And it’s much easier to do. Again, once you’re out of the abusive situation, if you’re still in the abuse, you still got the abuse incoming. And you’re trying to challenge it and tread water and keep your nose above water and keep who you are. And what they want to do is they want to push your head under and make you drown, so you don’t know who you are.

So okay, so getting rid of the inner critic. Really, really important, getting rid of the criticism, getting rid of the, you know, not good enough. So that is what they excel in is nothing we do is good enough. And we integrate that inner critic into our heads, and oh my gosh, that person who told us that, just it just flies out. So, it’s really important to challenge what is being said a challenge. Who is saying it? What is their game? What do they want? When you’re away from the relationship, it’s a lot easier to kind of see the forest through the trees kind of thing. Because if you’re in the middle of it, it’s all… they like to throw so much at the wall to see what will stick, and it gets confusing. And that’s why we get the fog. That’s why we get the cognitive dissonance, and all of the best advice I can give is get the hell out. Get the hell out no matter what situation you are in, if it’s an abusive boss if it’s an abusive family if it’s an abusive relationship. Get the hell out, get some space, get some distance, because then you’re going to start seeing all this stuff, and it’s going to be like glaring, it’s kind of like what’s something has been seen it cannot be unseen kind of thing. And I want to give some comfort, too because it takes on average seven times leaving for it to stick, so do not beat yourself up. If you’ve left and then gone back and then left and then gone back. Because for some reason, it takes about seven times before our brains finally go click click, click, click, click Oh, you know, and oh, I need to get out, and I need to stay out. So. So there is that okay, so inner critic has got to be kiboshed. It’s got to be. It’s got to be taken care of it’s got to be put away.

19:2

It’s got to be done with it’s got to be dealt with. So Inner Child Workbook by Catherine Taylor is going to be huge or the Inner Child Workbook by Lucia Cappacchione in dealing with this particular stuff.

Again, you’re saving yourself you’re doing the work. Even if you cannot afford a therapist, get those books, start working them, you know, and then when you can afford a therapist, then you’re going to want to get a therapist and start working on that. And the Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. He has a whole section in there on your self-worth what is your worth? Do you understand you have value and worth just doing nothing because especially narcissistic families love to do that whole will you only worth something if you’re working or if you’re producing or if you’re you know, you have value and worth just sitting here you have value and worth. And I know a lot of people are like, no I don’t Self-Esteem Workbook, mirror work. Hi, good to see you have a great day, I give you permission to tell that inner critic to go pound sand and challenge it to wait, you know, that kind of thing. So, I want you to work on that. Okay?

20:29

No, no more putting yourself down. No more self-criticism, catch yourself when you’re doing that. That is how you save yourself. Because you want that inner critic to become the inner cheerleader. So instead of not getting a negative, negative, you want it to be like, Hey, good job. I like you. Yep, you look good. Keep going. You know, that’s what you want. And eventually, you do that enough, the inner critic shuts the hell up. And if it does pop up, it’s so clear. It’s like, whoa, haven’t heard that in a long time. Thanks for playing. Bye, bye. Do you see where I’m going with that?

So, okay. Reassess your assumptions about how the world operates. And consequently, how you need to function in it. Oh, Kay. So, this is going to be dealing with fight-flight freeze or fawn, it’s going to be dealing with what we tell ourselves about who we are in this world.

21:25

And it’s going to be dealing with changing how we relate to other people; it also has to do with trust. So, when we come from an abusive relationship, we have a lot of mistaken thoughts, a lot of mistaken beliefs about how the world really is okay. So, if we have a controlling family that is filled our heads full of nonsense that the world is absolutely not safe, and you can’t go anywhere, and you can’t do this, and no, no, no, no, no, you know, that kind of thing. We’re going to go out into the world being terrified, right? Well, is the world dangerous? Yeah, can be absolutely. And however, if you use a little bit of common sense, you can pretty much stay fairly safe, you know what I’m saying? So, you know, it’s just a matter of dealing with the irrational thoughts. So, again, Glenn Schiraldi, in his book, what are your automatic thoughts? What are you telling yourself on a daily basis about yourself, about the world, about, you know, who you are, what you want, you know, what are those automatic thoughts, and what’s the rational challenge to them, that’s what you want to do. So, um, so it’s, it’s working on those assumptions.

Now, trust, we’re not going to have a lot of trust coming into freedom from an abusive relationship because what we’ve known is family of origin and or abusive, romantic relationship. And so that trust is going to need to be worked on, but the first person you need to start trusting is yourself. It’s your gut. Trust your gut, do not listen to the head and the heart. The head and the heart tell stories all the time. The gut will never steer you wrong. So, you got to start working on trusting your gut instinct, you know, that little feeling where you’re like, oh, I shouldn’t go down that roadway right now. Trust it, even though it feels weird and irrational. Trust it. I can’t tell you the number of times where it’s like, I was going to turn onto a freeway, and I was like, no, I’m going to take surface streets, and then I find out there was a huge accident. So, trust that little, you know, oh, you know, that little feeling of maybe I shouldn’t do that. Trust it. It does not lie to you. The head and the heart lie. They tell stories that the gut never does. Listen to your gut. It’ll be your best friend.

Okay, so reassess the assumptions of how the world operates. The world is not always kind, for sure. But it’s always it’s not also always evil either. It’s kind of like, you’ve got to realize everybody’s different. But remember, when we’re dealing with a narcissist, everyone has to be the same. So, it’s challenging all of those thoughts. So, in a, in a narcissistic family unit, if anyone disagrees, oh my god, it’s World War three. How dare you think differently for me? How dare you do things differently? How dare you….ba,ba,ba,ba,ba. So, it’s, it’s really starting to challenge that? Do I really have to think like everybody else? How about I think for myself, there we go. How about I go do my own thing? How about I go explore something I’ve never explored before, you know, so it’s going to be really doing that, um, it’s really essential to reconsider what once felt threatening, fearsome or overwhelming because of our family of origin or because of that romantic relationship. So, baby steps, you’re not going to challenge. You’re not going to, you know, like, overcome all of them in a day. But pick one, pick one thing and do that. So, for example, when I went backpacking as a teenager through, well as a young adult, through Europe, I decided I wanted to go to East Berlin. Now, this is when the wall was still up. And it was still a communist country and the whole thing. And, of course, the last thing my mom said to me before I left was don’t go to any communist countries, I crossed my fingers and went “uh huh”.

25:17

And then as soon as I got over there, it was like, train schedule. Oh, look, Berlin, fabulous. And I went, and it was great. I’m glad I did it, you know, I’m so, and it was terrifying. I got to tell you, it was terrifying because it was like, I’m going against everything that mom and dad said, and, you know, the whole thing. And it was very rewarding that I did. And that was kind of like that first little taste of success, challenging their mistaken thoughts. And it was just it just snowballed from there. So, you know, so baby steps, though, pick one, don’t try to do all of them at once, because it’s going to overwhelm you. Okay?

Stop putting yourself under constant pressure to perform. So, honestly, in a lot of narcissistic families, it’s like, you better make me look good. That was my dad. You better, Lord, get a good-paying job and take care of us or marry a doctor. Dear Lord, you know, or, you know, things like that, you know? And it’s like, no, I’m sorry, no, I’m, or you better become a lawyer. Okay, so that was another thing. There were eight generations of lawyers in my family. My father, you know, wanted somebody to take it over. But he didn’t have anyone to take it over. And so, he was always pushing to have somebody carry on the name and the law and the firm and the way, you know, and it’s like, no, sorry, nobody’s interested, we see how miserable you are. So no, thank you. You know, so, and of course, he was sexist and misogynistic and everything else. And he didn’t want females being a lawyer. And he put down my brother so hard, I don’t think my brother could have done it, even if he could have wanted to be a lawyer. So, um, you know, so it’s like, it’s not okay, in narcissistic families to, you know, have your own wants, your own needs, your own desires, your own. They want everybody, again, to fit in that neat little box. So, you’ve got to start really challenging that.

Okay, um, are you your own super harsh taskmaster? Or drill sergeant? Yeah, absolutely. Because narcissists do not ever want us to relax, or rest or be satisfied, because they’re not, they can’t stand it when they see somebody relaxing or being satisfied or happy. They can’t stand it because they can’t feel it, and they can’t do it themselves. So, it’s constant, you know, and we internalize this, you know, taskmaster, drill sergeant, do this now. It’s got to be perfect. I’ve got to clean. I’ve got to, you know, I have this list of 20 things I need to do. And if I don’t do all of them, I’m a horrible person stop. If you do one of them, you’re great. If you do none of them, you’re great. Seriously. So, start working on that, sending that taskmaster, that drill sergeant, tell them to go pound sand. It’s not you, it’s them. Save yourself. This is not even your stuff. And a lot of people, when they come out of the relationships or out of the family of origin, they’re like, oh, no, this is something I’ve always done. I’m like, you popped out of your womb being a taskmaster. I don’t think so. No, you didn’t. This was learned this is a learned behavior. So, if it can be learned, he can be unlearned and replaced with healthier behavior. So, start working on that. Hang on.

Give up extravagant longings and grandiose aspirations that cannot do anything and ensure defeat, okay.

28:48

Abusers set up their kids to fail. They do 110%. So, if you judge a fish by will how well it climbs a tree, it will always fail. And that is what abusers do to their kid. They make sure that they push them to do the very thing that they’re not suited for. So, in this happened in my family, as well with the whole lawyer thing, right, my brother, amazing mechanic, he could, he’s a MacGyver, he could fix anything seriously. But my dad was always like, academic, academic, academic, academic. And so, the kid never was good enough. And in fact, when my dad died, that’s the one thing that my brother said is that you know, its game overall. Now he’ll know I’ll never get his approval, you know, and it was true, you know, no matter how hard that kid tried, even though he’s my older brother, no matter how hard that kid tried, he was never good enough, ever. So, they set us up for failure. So, be aware of what is your aspiration. And what is their aspiration? And does it fit you? Is this really what you want? Is this really what you want to do? Now, my dad tried to push me into becoming a hairdresser. And a secretary, you know, it was like, Oh, well, that’s all you’re good for. You’re not smart enough to do anything else. Oh my god. So, you know, and it’s like, no, that’s not what I want to do. I’ve got bigger plans than that. Thanks for playing. So, you’ve got to really kind of assess what’s the agenda? What is, what is their game? What do they get out of it by keeping you down? Okay, we’re going to go a little bit over time because I want to make sure to hit all of these.

Contest, the non-deserving beliefs that have prompted you to sabotage yourself to repeatedly snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. So, again, we tend to self-sabotage the cause of the message is that it’s not okay for us to succeed. And where does that come from? Inner Child because the inner child was trying to please the parent that kept wanting us to do whatever they wanted us to do. And if we go to do something else, and we’re successful at it, and we finally find ourselves sabotaging, I can guarantee you it’s the inner child. So, start working on the inner child workbook, get that self-saboteur handled seriously. Okay, hold on.

Put a halt to worrying, ruminating, or catastrophizing. So, you’re not going to put a halt to it. Let me just be clear here. We’re always going to worry, ruminate and catastrophize. But I give your give yourself two minutes to do it and then stop. So, the thoughts going to pop up. So, when the worrying or the ruminating pops up or the catastrophizing. What if? Okay, stop. Thank you. I hear you. I see you. I am not playing with you. You are not coming in for coffee. Good. You’re going to stay for breakfast. No, thank you, Buh bye, go pound sand. What if we’re always living in what if we’re always living in the future? If we’re always living in the future, we are depressed if we’re ruminating, we’re thinking about the past, which cannot be changed. Which means we’re always wait; did I say depressed? Anxious? Sorry, backwards. So, if you’re living in what if it’s anxious, if you’re living in the past, it’s depression. And it’s not in this moment. So that’s another way to save ourselves is to stay in this present moment. You can acknowledge the thought, absolutely. I hear you; I see you what if I hear and I see you regrets and past and things like that, and I’m not playing with you, goodbye. I’m going to stay in the here and the now. I love myself; I’ve done the best I can. And that is it with me good enough. Good enough. So, practice doing that. That is how you save yourself seriously, challenging these thoughts, challenging these thoughts and replacing them with either the logical challenge to them or with the polar opposite of whatever they have said, Okay.

32:42

At every opportunity, seek to prove yourself that you’re safer than you feel. Okay. And this is so true. When we leave an abusive relationship, the world feels incredibly dangerous. So, it and it also feels incredibly lonely because we’re starting to get rid of those toxic friends, those toxic family members, that whole thing. It is safer than it feels it is, and you’re going to have to self-soothe. So that has, again, a lot to do with mirror work Hi, good to see you have a great day. You know what you’re safer than you feel. And it’s okay, then you walk out. So, it’s really parenting, you must become your own parent. You must become that so often not heard soft, wonderful voice that we didn’t get in childhood. So, if we had parents that were harsh, critical, mean, narcissistic, abusive, alcoholic, drug addicts, etc. We didn’t get that soft Hey, it’s okay. Hey, you’re all right. This is It’s okay. You’re safer than you feel. It’s all right. You know that encouragement. So, I encourage you to encourage yourself seriously, it’s like give yourself encouragement. That little inner child needs encouragement. Okay.

And this is for people, whether they’ve been out of the relationship years or if they’ve just left it. We all need to do a check-in and make sure that we’re doing these things to keep ourselves moving forward. All right. Recognize your residual regrets for what they are a mental exercise in futility. We’ve done the best we could forgive yourself. Forgive yourself so Radical Self Forgiveness by Collin Tipping great book. And if you’re having difficulty with difficult people in your lives, Radical Forgiveness also by Collin Tipping, and by no means you don’t need to forgive people. Let me be very clear, but you do need to forgive yourself. But you don’t have to forgive your abuser. You know, it’s a fallacy and a myth to be like, oh, you can’t heal unless you’re forgiving. Where’s my middle finger, seriously? No if you want to great! If you don’t, also great, it’s okay.

34:49

As long as you’re not staying mad at them as a way to keep them close to you, which is what I found. I did it was like this huge amount of anger even though my dad was dead because I wanted to fix so, and for some reason, my little inner child thought if I could just stay mad at him and fix that, then he would be okay. I would be okay. But you know, thankfully, I had a good therapist, and we worked through that. So. So yeah, you don’t have to forgive them if you don’t want to. But also make sure that you’re not holding them to you with the anger trying to fix them. So, there is that. Forgive yourself for the past mistakes or past missteps. We all make mistakes, everybody’s due to stinks. I’ve made mistakes. Other people have made mistakes. I’m sure you’ve made mistakes. Forgive yourself. Make sure it doesn’t happen again. What can you do differently, make amends if you need to, or if you can, and then move on. Forgive yourself. One thing I’ve noticed about all abusers is they are the nastiest, least forgiving, most judgmental, harshest harming people on the face of the planet. And we kind of internalize that. And so, when we make a mistake, it’s like we rub our own noses in it, no, stop. We’re going to make mistakes, mistakes are going to be made, you know, figure out how to do it differently. Make amends where you can move on, forgive yourself.

Reassess your likely exaggerated feelings of guilt. So, one thing that they do, and I love that Kim taught me this one, Bs Fogg blame, shame, fear, obligation and guilt. I am forever going to be using that. So, they make us feel guilty. You know, if we don’t take care of them in old age, what do they do? Oh, you’re horrible son, you’re horrible daughter. And remember, you know, old age homes are filled with collapsing nurses. So, do you have something to feel guilty about? No, you’re under no obligation to take care of somebody who is an abuser and who will blow your home up and disturb your own peace. No. So look at the guilt. But don’t allow it in, you know, is this something I need to feel guilty for? And if I need to feel guilty, is that I need to feel guilty so that this person will forgive me and love me, or do I need to feel guilty because I need to make amends, or do I? Am I just feeling guilty because that’s what I’ve been trained to do my entire life? You mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, my fault, my fault, all my fault. Narcissists love to blame shame, guilt trip the whole thing. So, if it’s a mea culpa thing that’s been learned, you need to unlearn it. It’s like, no, not everything on the face of the planet is my fault. My dad used to tell me if I didn’t finish everything on my plate, it was my fault that there were starving children in China or India or Ethiopia, or wherever was having a drought and starvation at that time. Took me years to figure out that my eating the food was not going to help them. Ah, bad parenting at its finest. So yeah, you want to definitely take a look at the guilt and really work it through. And if you need to write the guilt a go pound sand letter, dear guilt, no more no mas, not going to do it. Thank you for playing bye.

Now. There’s guilt when we do something that needs making amends for, but we know the difference of that if there’s something that we’ve done and we need to make amends. Okay, you make amends, you forgive yourself, and you move on. But if it keeps coming up and keeps coming up and keeps coming up, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, who’s whose is that? Who’s, whose punishment is that it’s not yours? So, take a look at that. Okay, we’ve gone over time, but I’m going to keep going because I want to get this done. Okay, um, Let go of any longstanding anger and resentment I talked about that. Examine the rationality of your issues relating to trust talked about that. So, we do have a reason to not trust and it’s going to be a matter of boundaries. So, the disease please by Harry Braiker, other books on boundaries, I would recommend reading them once our boundaries are tight, then, you know, we have our list of deal breakers and if somebody crosses that, okay, they’re not they’re not trustworthy, you push them out of your life. So, but if they’re not breaking into the deal breakers and they’re respecting your boundaries, then you’re probably okay. So, but that does not mean your guard is not always going to be up Yeah, your guards probably always going to be up because what is one of the signs of PTSD, CPTSD is hyper vigilance. So yeah, it’s a work in progress. That’s really what it is. Don’t blame or shame yourself for your not yet overcome addictive habits. Well, okay.

39:29

I myself drank too much because my family hello and of course, I come from a long line of alcoholics. Thank you very much. So instead of beating yourself up, take a look at it. You know, if you come from a narcissistic family and abusive family, we’re trying to numb ourselves now that does not give you carte blanche to go out and keep using let me be clear, so but it is kind of like Uh huh. How much am I drinking? How much am I smoking? How much am I, you know, numbing myself artificially? What am I doing? Or maybe, you know, even just, you know, checking out and not really dealing with reality, get with a good therapist, don’t beat yourself up, but also don’t continue to do self-harm. Does that make sense? And we do. A lot of us come out of these relationships wanting to numb, wanting to numb, or having been numb because it’s just been so awful. So, you know, it’s kind of like, it is as horrible as you thought it was, it was it was as horrible as you thought it was. And it’s okay for you to start working on becoming clean and sober. And it’s okay for you just start dealing with the issues that got you using in the first place. So yeah, absolutely. I think a lot of times when people come out of abusive relationships, and they have an alcohol issue, or drug issue, or smoking, or vaping, or whatever it is they’re doing, it’s self-harming, they beat themselves up on top of that, and then it becomes this, like, this vicious cycle, you know, it’s like, well, I’m doing this because of that, and I feel awful because now I’m dealing with it. And now I’m going to go do it again. And it’s kind of like you got to realize, if we are doing things that are self-harming, that is only playing their game, that is only playing their game, the best middle finger you can give to abusers. Get clean, get sober, take good care of yourself, be gentle with you. And don’t beat yourself up. We do not pop out of the womb going gee; I’d really like to be an alcoholic or drug addict. We don’t we become that when life circumstances, such as abuse, make it impossible for us to deal with whatever is going on in that moment. So especially if the abuse is incest or beatings or verbal abuse, or you know, any of that, that’s enough to cause a lot of people to start using. So, it is what it is, get to a meeting, get a sponsor, get clean, get sober, gentle with you. There’s a reason we start using. There’s a reason so especially coming out of abusive relationships. So, all right, there is that!

Um, Stop taking things. So personally take it in, but do not take it on. So, I posted a thing from Brene Brown. And I’m going to have to answer a lot of these questions in the Wednesday because I’m going to go long, sorry. Um, and she talked about, you know, when somebody says something horrible and awful to you about you don’t take it, and you know, cuddle with it and rub it all over you. It’s like, no, it’s like recognize this has nothing to do with you. This has everything to do with them.

42:43

You know, so don’t take it personally. It’s really, It’s discernment. It’s like, is this really about you? Probably not. So, take it in. But don’t take it on, you know, you can play with it. But don’t take it personally. Because abusers will say, the most heinous… some of the things my dad said to me, I’m just like, Are you human? What is going on here? And it was all about him. It wasn’t about me; it was about him.

So, stop comparing yourself to others. This is not a competition, but abusers make it a competition. Everything’s competition. They have to win. They have to be the best or the worst, whatever the most, whatever. And that’s not normal. That’s not normal. So, stop comparing yourself to others. Other people have not had the same experience you have; some people are worse off. Some people are better off. Your experience is unique to you. And it is okay. It’s okay. It’s not a competition. So anytime you hear that, oh, well, but other people had it worse. No, stop. What I had was bad. And it’s my experience. And go pound sand. Thank you. So, there’s that.

Stop sacrificing your integrity, dignity, or pride just to ensure that people will like you. People pleasing. So again, Harriet breaker, the disease to please. So, we do that. We say yes. When we mean no, you know, and we’ve got to learn to start saying yes to ourselves and no to other people. Does that make sense? Appropriately.

44:13

Stop depending on others to calm you down or validate you. So, it is your task to calm yourself down. And to validate yourself. Happiness is an inside job; you’re not going to find it hitting the dating sites. You’re not, and I can’t tell you the number of clients I’ve had over the years that will come out of one of these relationships horrific not dealing with the stuff that’s gone on in the family of origin, not really dealing with what went on with the abuser. And they’re like, I need to get into another relationship. And I’m like, like hell you do. Oh, you’re not whatever you’re looking for out here. You’re not going to find if you cannot find it in here. Let me say that again. Whatever you’re looking for out here, you’re not going to find it until you find it in here. So, it’s an inside job. So, you’ve got to take care of yourself, you’ve got to deal with the family of origin. You’ve got to deal with the abuser. And you’ve got to work on not why it happened. But who, what, when, where, you know, why is never going to be answered. But who, what, when, where, yeah, that will be answered. So that’s what would serve you the most.

Learn to accept every part of you, unflattering warts and all. So, when we are in an abusive relationship with family with the romantic partner, they dearly love to tell us how ugly we are, or point out our flaws or, you know, tell us we’re fat when we’re not. That’s a favorite one. Or tell us we’re, you know, lacking or this or that or whatever. So, accept yourself, love yourself. This amazing body gets us through life. It allows us to experience amazing things and to see amazing things and hear amazing things and go to amazing places and visit with amazing people and, you know, all sorts of cool stuff. So, really, again, to give the middle finger to the abusers, love your body, love yourself. You know, one thing that they love to also do is tell people Oh, well, you know, You’re too sensitive. Love your sensitivity, love your sensitivity. That means you’re human, that means you can feel, and they can’t. Or, you know, you laugh too much. Thank God because if I wasn’t laughing, I’d be crying. So, I’d rather laugh. Thank you. You know, it’s like, enjoy who you are. Because they don’t, they can’t enjoy who they are. And God forbid we enjoy who we are. So, it’s really important for you to really start accepting, accepting, accepting self-acceptance, Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach, you know, Radical Self-Forgiveness, Colin Tipping. This body is amazing. You are amazing. Your mind is amazing. Your humor is amazing. Your ability to love is amazing. Your ability to feel is amazing. So, allow, allow, allow, allow. Okay, now, let’s get to the questions. Okay. To do Sorry, I went a little long, um,

When I try to guide myself to healthy behavior. I don’t believe myself, because I’ve had to play games with myself to get through all of the abuse. How do I start trusting myself? Okay.

47:32

So, trusting yourself, I would say start working on the Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. All the people who know themselves trust themselves. So, when you start realizing who you really are, separate from what the abusers told you, you were, you’re going to start trusting yourself. Because it’s kind of like there’s this, like, disconnect with us, you know, we get out of these relationships. And they’ve told us all of this, but we feel all of that. And these don’t match, but we keep telling ourselves with an inner critic, all the negative stuff. So, it’s really important to start working on the Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, recognize your worth, start really honoring what you want, who you are, what you feel, and do the workbook front to back, take your time, and really chew through it like a gourmet meal don’t blast through. It drives me crazy when people are like, oh, yeah, I finished it. And they’ve had it for a week. I’m like, this is supposed to take at least three to six months. So yeah, take your time, you know, and really work through it. So that’s the way to start learning how to trust yourself as learning who you are. Because we come out of these relationships, whether they’re parental or whether they’re romantic, and we’ve lost who we are we. Who am I? What do I like we’re where am I? What am I doing? Why am I here? Seriously. So, it’s really important to get back to learning who you are, trusting who you are, and then starting to trust others out of that. Okay. Hope that answers the question.

Okay, um, do narc parents hinder their child’s learning? Yes, so they can infantilize the child. Yes. And make them dumb as a way to seek attention for themselves. Absolutely. It’s almost like Munchausen by proxy. So, they got so many of these Jack wagons will claim that their kids have got ADHD or autism or something else, and they start throwing meds at them. Little brains should not have medication unless it’s absolutely necessary until they are in their Ooh, late teens at the earliest. Because the brain is still developing. And they will then point to that, oh, my child is got this disorder or that disorder when in fact, the child doesn’t. They just found a psychiatrist that would prescribe, you know, and now the kid is all jacked up on medications that’s messing with their mind. So, yeah, they absolutely will do that. You betcha. They love to infantilize their children. That is something else I’ve seen. So, it’s they give them this ridiculous, you know, you have to be this academician, which is what my dad did. Or they do the whole dumbing the kid down, not allowing them to be smart, not allowing them to explore, you know, not allowing them to do things for themselves, not teaching them how to cook, or do their own laundry, or, you know, balance a checking account or checking account, you know, what I mean? Debit account, whatever. So, you know what I’m saying? So, it’s like, so they do that, they hobble them, they hobble them so that they’re always dependent on them. So, it looks like this is sort of like this healthy, normal parents want their kids to be on their own feet. Unhealthy parents want their kid leaning on them their whole lives. But then you know what happens if that parent dies, that kid is lost. Like they don’t know how to adult, they don’t know how to function. They don’t know how to socialize, they don’t know how to, and yeah, they absolutely do that. And it’s abuse. It’s absolutely it is absolutely abuse. You betcha.

Okay. Um, how can we let go of the stubborn lingering wish that someone else will save us. okay, that is the inner child.

51:19

And it’s totally normal wish guys totally normally not bad or wrong for that you’re not. So, it’s the inner child. So, the way to let go of it is to start working through the inner child workbook seriously, and re-parenting yourself. Meaning you’re going to start talking to yourself with kindness the way your parents should have. You’re going to give yourself pep talks in the morning. Hi, good to see you have a great day. I give you permission to save yourself. It’s okay, you are your own hero. Go do it. You got this, you know, and then walk out. So, it and then remind yourself at night, same thing you do a daytime, you know, pep talk, and then at night, you do the Hey, good to see you. Again, here are three things I did write today. And you list them off because abusers never tell us what we did, right? And then we learn to sit there at night staring at the ceiling, going, oh my god, I did this wrong. I should have done that. And I could have done that. No. Three things you did right today.

52:15

You know, we’ll have a good night’s sleep tight, love you good night, and then go to bed, you know, the way a good parent would have. So, re-parenting yourself, working on the self-esteem working on the inner child. Having chats with that inner child, you can do guided imagery, speaking to that part of you that wants to be saved. Hey, little one. There’s nobody outside of us. It’s going to save us, but I am here. I’ve got your back. I am going to save us, and here’s what needs to happen. You need to let me be the adult, and I will take care of you to see where I’m going with that. So that should help with that inner child desire to be saved because we all do. We all have that thought, you know. It’s like I used to pretend that my parents were aliens.

53:06

They were just so crazy. Aliens. They were just so crazy. Seriously, and I keep kept thinking it’s like, well, maybe some year they’ll come back from wherever they are outer space, my real parents will come back, and these bozos will go away. You know, and so it is there’s that childish or that not childish, but childlike desire to be saved. We all have it. We all have it, you know, and it’s a matter of talking to that little that little one. Your parents are not aliens. They’re just jerks. And they’re your real parents are the jerks that you’re having to deal with. And you get to save yourself, you know, and it’s okay. You’re safe. And I’ve got you, and I’m right here. So, you talk to your little one as if you were your own parent. Does that make sense? Re-parenting yourself the way you should have been parented. You know, with truth, with love, with kindness, with patience. You know, narcissists are not patient, they’re mean, and they’re like, now now now now now, you know, and again, being rushed and not liking being rushed is a trauma response because almost all of us were rushed or made wrong or whatever. So, there is that. Um, so Inner Child Workbook, either by Lucia Cappacchione or Catherine Taylor, Self-Esteem Workbook, by Glenn Schiraldi, that would be great.

Is it common after lifelong narc abuse that you don’t want others to save you? But instead, you want to do it all yourself and kind of stop relying on others? Yes, that is a trauma response. Absolutely. So, both of these two are trauma responses, wanting to be saved as a trauma response. Get getting the attitude of I’ll do my own damn self. That is also a trauma response. Absolutely. We have an incredibly difficult time asking for help. We do, some of us. Some of us have an incredibly difficult time asking for help. That is a trauma response. So, both of these are trauma responses wanting to be saved as a trauma response. Yes, and I’ll do my own damn self is also a trauma response because we learned quickly that there was not going to be anybody there. Nobody was going to save us. No, nobody was going to do the right thing. You know, my mom knew the abuse was going on. She did nothing, you know. So, it’s like, okay, I’m on my own. Great, fabulous. How do I get out of here? You know, and then you start formulating your escape plan. So yeah, that is absolutely, is absolutely a thing that abusers do is that they create this situation where we either want to be saved, or we absolutely are like, I don’t even myself, I do miles out. So yeah, you’re not wrong, and it is a trauma response. And for those of us that have the whole, you know, I’ll do it my own cell, we have to learn to start asking for help baby steps, like baby steps with somebody we trust. Because otherwise, we’re just going to be like, See, see, see, nobody’s going to help you know, that kind of thing. So, baby steps, get with a good therapist, work on the Self-Esteem Workbook, work on the Inner Child Workbook. All that good stuff. All right. Bye, loves you guys. Have a great week. Take good care of yourselves. Drink plenty of water and stay warm, and I will talk to you next week.

56:16

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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The post 11-27-2022 You ARE Your Own Hero appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Kris Godinez  01:02

Okay, so, today’s show. So today is when the parent is the enabler and when I was preparing for this show, I got triggered. So, trigger warning, trigger warning, trigger warning just letting you know. So, when we come out of and this is dealing with family of origin, this is dealing with our childhood, okay. Not necessarily us in a romantic relationship with an abuser, but us as adult children of abusive parents, okay.

So, when we come out of a family of origin, where there is somebody who’s disordered and there is the other parent, that’s a little bit saner, but they’re still playing the game. They’re an enabler. So, let’s talk about what enablers and the reason I want to bring this up is because so many people have, you know, instant messaged me, sent me messages sent me text sent me emails, you know, I don’t get it. Why am I going for the same type over and over and over and over and over again? Why am I continuingly? Dating different faiths, different names, same behavior, you know, so it has to do with our family of origin. And it has to do with the inner child. So, when we are in a dysfunctional family, okay, so the family is dysfunctional. We don’t necessarily know it because the family the dysfunctional family, has normalized it the dysfunctional family has said, Oh, no, every single family is like this. Oh, no. All the families do this. Well, let me just clue you into something. Abuse is not normal. Abuse is not natural abuse does not happen in every single family. Does every family have its issues? To be sure, but not every family has got incest, verbal abuse, physical abuse, religious abuse, sexual abuse, you know, emotional abuse. Yeah, not every family has got that going on. But what a dysfunctional family of origin will do is they will say, Oh, no, every family is like this. Oh, no, you don’t see the pink elephant taking a dump in the corner of the living room. You’re the problem, not the pink elephant. And so we start normalizing the abuse even though in our heads we know this is not normal if you want a really good example “What’s Wrong With Your Dad?” this is about me growing up in a completely effed up dysfunctional oh my god, alcoholic addicted family. And, you know, the, the process the journey that I went through to get from point A to here so, um, What’s Wrong With Your Dad? Anyway, so the point being is, is that when we’re in it, and when I was in it, and when we’re all in it, we cannot see the forest through the trees. It is normal to us to have the chaos to have the dysfunction to have the knock down drag out fights to have the hitting to have the verbal abuse, the abuse of alcohol or drugs to have that is all been normalized to us. And we’re told by the enabling parent Oh no, this is normal. Oh, no, every family does this. Oh, no, you you don’t see the pink elephant No, no.

So then what happens is, is that the main abuser so let’s say one of the parents is really batshimomo crazy and is the main abuser and the other one is ineffectual. kowtows to the abuser, doesn’t stand up for the kids doesn’t protect them, doesn’t, you know, do the right thing kind of thing and just allows the abuse and what I’ve seen is that the abuser will start abusing and the ineffectual parent will make an excuse to leave and not even be there when the abuse is happening. Or they’re standing right there as the abuse is happening and the kid is looking at the parent going help me save me. And this parent refuses or flips the script and starts abusing with the abuser. That’s the other thing I’ve seen happen. So, this is why I’m saying this whole topic has been very triggering for me. And I apologize if you guys get triggered, just, you know, go do something else for a while, come back and we’ll, it’ll, it’ll be okay. So basically, in my family of origin, my mom didn’t participate in the abuse, but she knew damn good And well, it was happening, you know, for example, the worst abuse that happened are the worst. The worst known Actually, no, she was around for a lot of it. So, you know, my dad would hit me just out of the blue, just to he would get pissed. And he would just turn around and just backhand me half the times, because I probably said something truthful. So, you know, that he didn’t like, and the other half of the time, he was sexually abusing me and my sisters, and my mother was well aware of this. So, it wasn’t like, I didn’t know now she knew she absolutely knew. And she was only too happy to abdicate that part of her relationship with her husband with her abuser. To the girls to us, she was willing to sacrifice us on the altar of her comfort, so that she stayed safe, and she was comfortable. But we were getting abused. So, and she knew it was happening. You know, my dad used to barge into the bathroom and ogle us when we were, you know, taking a shower, or he would, you know, I went out one time to show him a new dress I bought and he grabbed me and French kissed me. And then like looked me up and down. Like he couldn’t wait to you know, do something. My mom was standing at the window, and she saw the whole thing I came in, I confronted her and I said, Look, he just did this, what are you going to do, and she got that sick little smile on her face. And it was like nothing, I’m not gonna do anything. And that’s when I was like, I gotta get out of here because he’s, he’s eventually going to rape me if I don’t leave. So and I was think I was what 16 When that happened? 15, 16. So that is what an enabler does the enabler knows the abuse is going on, and does nothing, nothing or worse, they know the abuse is going on. And they join in.

Kris Godinez  07:23

So what that tells the kid and my mom actually said these words better you than me.

Kris Godinez  07:31

Better you than me. I’m sorry, a parent’s job, their whole job, you had one job, you had one job, and you fricked it up. Your job as a parent is to protect those kids. Now, why does this happen? Why does the enabler turn a blind eye? Engage in the abuse? You know, Better you than me all of this crap. Because you’re dealing with somebody who is not operating on the level of an adult, you’re not you’re not dealing with somebody who’s operating on the level of an adult. So, when my mom and I started working through all of this stuff, all of her abuse started coming out. Now this does not excuse it, it absolutely does not excuse her behavior. And I told her that I said this does not excuse it. It sure as hell explains it, but it does not excuse it. So, in her case, she was sexually molested by her step grandfather. Her mother was a narcissist, my grandmother Bertha, who I call another b word, but not Bertha. So anyway, the point being is, is that my grandmother was abusive, her. Her parents, her mom’s step, dad, step husband, whatever, sexually abused my mom. My mom married my dad who was crazy, obviously borderline and narcissistic. And so she just abdicated, it was like Better you than me. She actually said that. And at that point in time, when we were talking through this, she said she was about four years old in her head, and I believe her. I totally believe her. Now, this does not excuse their turning a blind eye. But it certainly makes a hell of a lot more sense than thinking you’re dealing with an adult, a rational adult who is conscious and aware and awake. I can guarantee you at that moment in time my mom was four years old, didn’t know what to do. Scared out of her mind wanted to protect herself now do I excuse that? No, no absofreakinglutely not! No, no, no, no, no! She’s 100% responsible for allowing the abuse to continue 100% But now I understand as an adult What the freak was going on here. Because in my head at the time, I was like, why are you not protecting me? And so in my mind, my kid mind I was 15, 16 years old. It was oh, I’m not worthy of protection. Oh, well, this is what I deserve. Oh, well, clearly my mom who’s the saner of the two which is not saying much when you really think about it. But the saner of the two is not willing to protect me. So, what’s my worth? Because remember, parents whole job you got one job, parents, that’s to protect your kids and give them a sense of self. Okay? Two jobs, protect the kids and give them a sense of self. Okay, three jobs, protect the kids, give them a sense of self and make sure they have all the basic needs, you know. So, the point being is is that the parents, how our parents treat us, how our parents treated us becomes our inner dialogue, it becomes either our cheerleader or our inner critic. And as kids, we have a tendency to make a lot of mistaken assumptions about who we are about our worth in the world, based off of what our parents said, and did.

So, I found a great article online called Better you than me by Jay Read. He is an LPC. He’s got a blog on there, and it’s called better than you than me going unprotected from narcissistic abuse by the enabler parent. Okay, um, so what I wanted to hit was, okay, um, alright, sometimes tragically, something unnatural happens in families, a child is born to someone motivated by something other than the human connection. Instead, this person wants to see others, even his or her own children suffer that would be a narcissist. They prize the feeling of power and control they have to when controlling and dominating another human being. This becomes so valued that no appeal to morality will impede them. In my practice, most of the clients who survived such vicious upbringings had one primary abusive parent and the other was the enabler parent. And the typically less overtly abusive, but passive and compliant in the face of the other parent’s abuse. So, today’s blog will be discussed, discussed surviving and recovering. So, sins of omission. So, what he talks about is what it looks like. And what it looks like is exactly what I just described, you know, the abuse happening. And the enabler, either checking out leaving, or you know, what’s the word? I’m looking for? Plausible denial, that kind of thing. Like, oh, I didn’t see it, or oh, I wasn’t there, even though they were there when it started, or worse, them joining in on it or worse, the kid coming to the parent, how many of us raise your hand? How many of us have gone to the saner parent and said, Dad or Mom is abusing me? I don’t know what to do help me and guess what that parent does? They either minimize it, deny it, tell you you’re a liar or tell you that you miss understood. I’m sorry. It’s kind of hard to misunderstood a backhand at the dinner table when you didn’t do anything wrong. Or to misunderstand your father shoving their tongue down your throat that is there’s no misunderstanding there. I’m sorry. But what that does is gaslighting.

So, then they gaslight us Okay, so what does that do? What does it do to an adult? Think about it when somebody tells you you’re lying minimizes gaslights you. Rewrites history tells you, you miss understood when you know

Kris Godinez  13:31

higher power well that you did not misunderstand. So, what that does is that invalidates us that invalidates our gut instinct. Oh, isn’t that interesting. So then as adults, we get the distinct message either verbally like I did better you than me or non-verbally I’m not going to do anything because I’m going to get in trouble so I’m going to sacrifice you for my safety. So, we get that message that we’re not worth saving. And because we had a difficult relationship with probably both parents I had a difficult relationship with both it wasn’t a walk through the park with my mom either. But at least it was an abusive as my dad and she was willing to work on it once he was dead. So that was good.

Um, but the point being is, is that when we have that kind of effed up messed up relationship with our parents, the inner child, the inner child is now running the show, okay? Because we literally stopped developing at whatever age that abuse occurred and then we try to fix it, try to fix it, try to fix it, try to fix it. How can I make them stop abusing me? How can I make them listen to me? How can I make them love me? How can I… and this my friends is the beginning of codependency and this is where we get it and this is also why when we go out into the world well I left home when I was 17 Cuz I didn’t, you know, that was that was as soon as I could get away, after dad did that I was like, I gotta make my escape plans, I got to get out. And I did. And I left and I started working catering jobs, and I started working as a waitress and I started working or whatever I had to in order to get the bleep away. Okay, and I’m glad I did. Um, but that once I went out into the world, I’ll give you three guesses what kind of guys I dated, they were all Bob juniors seriously. Every single last one of them with the exception of maybe two, were my dad. And I was working through my dad. And if I wasn’t working through my dad, guess who else I dated? My mom. So, it was like, either I was dating somebody who reminded me of my dad or I was dating somebody that reminded me of my mom.

And it wasn’t until I really got into therapy, now I started therapy when I was in high school, but my dad put a stop to it. Big surprise. I went back to therapy when I was in college, helpful, but not enough, they didn’t really understand trauma. And they certainly weren’t looking at personality disorders and trauma at that time in that particular school that I was at. So then when I went to Oregon, I got with Fabian Smith, who was a counselor up there, and we started plowing through all of the abuse and all of the BS that I had to put up with as a kid, it took about seven years. So, you know, and that’s when I kind of went, Oh, I want to help people. And that’s when I started working on my getting my psychology stuff going. So anyway, the point being is that until we deal with that inner child, that inner child is going to look outside of us, because this is the question I’ve got, why do I keep dating over and over again? Why do I keep dating the same people over and over again? What am I doing? It’s your inner child. It’s your inner child. And it’s your self-esteem, it’s your lack of self-esteem. So, when we really understand our worth, and that we did not deserve any of that BS that we had to go through, we did not deserve to be screamed at, we did not deserve to be hit. We did not deserve to be sexually molested; we did not deserve to be religiously abused; we did not deserve any of this stuff.

And, and this was the hard one for me to get. My mom was just as abusive as my dad in a different way. They were both dysfunctional. And that one was so hard for me to wrap my head around, because the little kid inside of me desperately needed one parent, Dear God, just one that actually had my best interest at heart. And the reality of it was, they did not. Neither one of them, neither one of them. Dad had whatever weirdness was going on with him, and my mom had her own interests at heart.

Kris Godinez  17:51

And that’s heartbreaking for a child and inner child, an adult child to recognize when you finally are able to go, oh, neither one of them. Yeah, both parents were nut jobs. You betcha. You betcha not gonna deny that they were absolutely both parents were nut jobs. So, you know, when you really realize that when you’re really able to sink that in and go, neither one of them had my back. That’s when the healing begins. Because when I’m working with people that have been abused, oftentimes what will happen is somebody will come in and sit on my couch, tell me, Oh, I’ve been through all of these relationships, all of these, you know, terrible, abusive relationships. And then I ask them about their childhood. And they start telling me that they had a perfect childhood. And I’m sitting here going, does not compute, you are telling me this, but then you’re telling me this. And then eventually, as they become safe enough, they start telling the truth, telling the whole story, you know, they will tell part of the story. But then they’ll start telling the whole story and then able to put the pieces together for them to figure it out themselves. But the denial runs deep in us, it does. The force is strong in this one, the denial is strong, and this one does the same thing. Because we’ve been groomed. And we’ve been threatened, we’ve been intimidated, we’ve been fearful, we’ve been obligated, we’ve been guilt tripped, to not see the pink elephant taking a doodoo in the corner of the living room.

And the enabling parent is the one that helps with that, the enabling parent is the one that allows the abuser to have access to us. The enabling parent is the one that allows the abuse to go on. For years. Now. I’m not talking those of us who got into a relationship had children with one of these monsters, realized it and then got out I’m not talking about that. My mom intentionally stayed with this guy until he died. And her whole thing was the money, the money, the money, the money, the money. I need the money, I need the money. I need the money. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it. It is not worth sacrificing your children on the altar of financial security! It is not. It is not. Is it difficult to leave an abuser? Hell yeah. Because they’ll do every, every rotten thing in the world you can possibly think of to screw you out of child support, out of alimony out of whatever, because they don’t understand child support is going to the child, all they see is that they’re giving you money. And so, it pisses them off. But honestly, in the end, is it worth it to get out of there for your kids safety? Yes. Because now your kids have got a fighting chance to not get abused every single day to get therapy to get some self-esteem. So, this is why in working with people that have had a family of origin that are just dysfunctional, just dysfunctional, working on the self-esteem and recognizing your worth separate from this family of origin is so important. Because like I said, the inner child goes, ooh, family of origin stuff. I had a horrible relationship with these people, maybe one or both. I know if I can find somebody out there, that reminds me of them. And I can make them love me, I prove these people wrong. Half of a doodoo sandwich, half of a doodoo sandwich. Total due to sandwich it never ends. Well, guys, it doesn’t.

So, what you’re gonna want to do is you’re gonna want to work on you. It’s all about you. It is no longer about the family of origin. I would seriously and this is what I did. Write and burn letters. I had a whole bonfire going about my Dad, are you kidding me? So write and burn letters, and it may be 27 pages of go pound sand, absolutely. You know, it may be you know, a letter specifically about a specific event. But keep writing it get it out of your head. Get it onto paper, take your power back. I no longer need to dance to your tune. We’re done. I don’t need you in my head. I refuse. Thanks for playing bye I own me. I know my worth. And my worth is so much more than what you lied to me about.

Kris Godinez  22:13

Mm hmm. Because they lied to us. They absolutely lied to us. Absolutely. So, write and burn letters, journal. So, this is this is how I wrote this first book is that I started journaling. And I started going okay, what happened? And why? When? Where did this come from? Why am I doing this? Or why did I do that? And so, I started journaling, okay, well, this is what happened when I was born. This is what happened when I was a teenager, this was happening when I was young adult, this is what you know, and I started making it into a story and I realized, oh, other people could benefit from this might find this helpful. So, you know, you never know what’s gonna come out of it. One of the things I hear all the time is, oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, I don’t want to relive it. I don’t want to relive it. Well, you know, you’re not really reliving it, you’re remembering it, for sure. Totally. You’re remembering it, but you’re not reliving it, it’s already done. It’s already happened. That’s why EMDR can be very, very helpful in working through this kind of trauma. Because it kind of bypasses the amygdala and the amygdala.

Remember, the amygdala is stupid, it can’t tell the difference between past present future and so when we think of the abuse, it goes. You know, here now here, now, here now here now, that’s what the amygdala does is trying to keep us safe. But unfortunately, it’s not keeping us safe. It’s hindering us from healing. So, a couple of therapies that might be helpful with this is EFT, Emotional Freedom therapy. That’s the tapping one. I’ve had several clients do that they’ve gotten a lot of success with it. Other clients love EMDR other clients don’t, it just depends. So, try those CBT is good. But don’t be afraid of remembering. You really are benefiting from remembering for a couple of reasons. Because now you can go back, you can look at it. And you can take your power back from that situation. You can see how efffed up those people are healthy, normal people, healthy, normal parents, do not sacrifice their children on any altar, not financial, not sexual, not for safety, not for…

Your job is to protect those kids, and give them the sense of self-worth, we reflect back to our children who they are. So, for example, it’s like, you know, I’ll have a client that’s got a baby and they’re fussing, right? And so, I’ll say, “Hey, bring the bring the kid over to the camera.” And I’ll be like, oh, “Hi it’s you! Look at you” and the next thing you know, that kid is smiling, because I’ve let them know they have worth. I know. I know. But think about it. When you’re dealing with abusive parents and you have an abuser that’s constantly telling the kid they’re stupid and ugly. Guess what the kid starts believing about themselves. And guess how the kid starts acting appropriately, you know, to that nasty message, that’s why you’ve got to be so careful what you say to children, and how you say it, because that helps them or hurts them know who they are in this world. So, if you’re like, you know, reflecting back to them that you’re glad to see them, and it’s good to see you, hello, inner child work. Hi, good to see you have a great day, I give you permission to say no, or I give you permission to have worth, holy cow. It’s okay for you to like yourself, you know, that kind of thing. That’s what is important. So, I’m sorry, I just went off track. So anyway, the point being is, is that the enabling parent is the one that really, I think they do more damage in a way because they didn’t believe us. They told us we were lying. They minimized they intentionally continued and allowed the abuse to happen, which then made us have some mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs about who we are in the world and what our worth is. So, to work on this super, super quickly. Yes, I do have some journal prompts. So, I’ll talk to you about that in a minute. To work on this super, super quickly. Get with a good trauma therapist. I’m not kidding you. I would I give it all to Miss Smith up in Oregon, because if it weren’t for her, I don’t think I’d be where I am today. She was amazing. She was patient and she was wonderful. I really liked her. So, I’m good with a good trauma therapist, start working through this stuff. Don’t be afraid of the memories. They cannot hurt you. They have no power here. They’re just memories. Are they uncomfortable? Hell yeah. Like I said, when I was prepping for this show, poor John. I was like, triggered and he’d be like, brave, you know, and you know, it really it was triggering was absolutely. But the thing of it is that we want to go through this and master it so that we can be like, I am the master of these thoughts. These memories. These thoughts and memories are not the master of me. Why? Because I effing say so. Bleep the bleep

Kris Godinez  27:06

bleep bleep bleep and BLEEP you memory. There we go. You know what I’m saying? So, it’s important to take your power back, it’s important to work through it, journaling, writing and burning letters.

Here are the books I want you to get.

It’s all the same books that I always mentioned. But here we go. The inner child workbook, Katherine Taylor, or any inner child workbook, I don’t care just get one start working it that’s  Katherine Taylor’s the one I like but there’s others. The self esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, the reason I like that is because it gives you clear directions, okay, you’re going to do this for two weeks, and you’re going to do this for two weeks, you’re going to do this for 28 days, you’re going to do this, you know, and it kind of gives you a thing to do daily, okay, like, what are you thinking? Journal down your thoughts? What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What are you telling yourself? What is the mistaken thought that you have? What is your worth? Do you understand that you have got worth because we all have Got worth we have all of us that have been raised by these narcissists. Man, we have worth that we don’t even realize seriously. So, recognize your worth, start working on little things near work. Hi, good to see you have a great day, I give you permission to say no, I give you permission to like yourself, I give you permission to have boundaries, whatever it is, you’re working on that day.

So that is journal prompts. Okay, so for me, the way I did the journaling for the book, and what I suggest to my clients is pick an age. When did you have the most difficult time so for me, it was teenage, because my dad waited until I was a teenager before we started the sexual stuff. Thank God, you know, so something obviously triggered in him the age of about 12,12, 13 Because that’s when he started with all of us. So um, so yeah, so pick the age and start working on that or do a I’m angry letter Dear Mom, dear dad, dear abuser. Here’s what you did. And you list it out. You did this. You did this. You did this. You did this. How dare you? How dare you allow yourself to get angry? I think the thing of it is a lot of us and I swear to God, I’ll get to the questions in just a second. I know I’m going over a little bit. A lot of us are afraid of our emotions. Why? And I do this. I’m doing this in the blog for December because our abusers are terrified of genuine emotions. They can’t cope. They can’t cope. I can’t tell you the number of times my dad would tell me not to cry because I was a Marine took me until I was 16 to figure out I hadn’t enlisted and or not to cry because I’ll give you something to cry about. Or don’t you dare be mad at me, even though he was the abuser and doing things that really deserved anger. So, we quickly get told to shut down and to not feel so something I recommend get a feeling chart, get a feeling chart off of the internet, chart your emotions and allow your emotions, the emotions are going to come and go. I think our fear and this is our inner child fear this little kid fear is it if I cry, I’m never going to stop. That’s what it feels like when we’re dealing with that intense betrayal. Because that’s what this is when an enabling parent enables the abuser, it’s betrayal. So that intense betrayal that intense grief grieving, the loss of having a normal family that we always wanted and hoped for grieving the loss of having a normal healthy parent, at least one that cared what happened to us really, you know, so you write out these letters, the grieving letter, the angry letter, the Sad Letter, the the upset letter, the you did this letter the and then you burn them, burn it, let it go.

Giving these letters to the abuser is only going to give them ammunition for world war three, don’t do it. Don’t do it. So these letters are for you. And these letters are for you to allow yourself to have the emotions that you could not have at the time of the abuse. Does that make sense? So yeah, write and burn letters. Absolutely. And again, Shahida Arabi’s. Book is great. She’s got a whole bunch of journal suggestions. Absolutely. Write your inner teenager love letter. Write your little kid love letter. I think that’s important. If you were to parent yourself as that age, what would you want it to hear? What did you want to hear that you never got to hear? What did you always want to hear? So mostly, if you start talking to your inner kid, they just want to be loved. They do. They just want to be heard. They want to be believed how many of us were not believed when we told about the abuse?

How, you know, how many of us felt unseen, unheard? Not validated. So, you want to see and hear and validate your inner children, children plural, because there’s going to be different ages and because cognitively we respond to things differently. So, start with a love letter to whatever age you had the hardest time with. Dear little six year old me. Oh my gosh, I love you. What an amazing little child you are you survived. Wow, you are brave. And I am so proud of you. Gosh, am I glad that your mine a lot of people when I say that, they start tearing up and they start crying because they never got to hear it. So, this is why I’m saying it’s so important to reraise ourselves to reparent ourselves to give ourselves that validation, that respect, that love that being heard and seen that we never got from our family of origin. And especially that we never got from the parents that were probably acting on the level of a two year old seriously when you think about it. You know, both of those parents were acting on the level of a two year old my wants my needs me Me, me, me me more, more more, keeping myself safe. So yeah, you get to be the responsible adult and you get to love you you get you get to you get to talk to yourself the way you always wanted to be talked to. And that’s why the mirror work is so important. I want you to get into the habit of speaking to yourself with love and respect and happy to see you well my gosh, it’s you happy to see you have a great day. I give you permission to be awesome, you know and then walk out. It doesn’t have to be a huge monologue.

The other thing I want you to do is I want you to remind yourself of things you’re doing right so three things at night. Three things at night that you did, right. Hey, good to see you again. You go back to the full length mirror. Hi, good to see you again. You know why you did this right? You did this right? And you did this right? I’m so proud of you have a wonderful night sleep really well have great dreams. I’ll see you tomorrow morning sleep well and then go to bed. That’s what a good parent would do. So this is why I want you to reparent it yourself in this way. So I hope those suggestions help. Okay, let’s dive into the questions.

Okay. Um, can a parent be both a narc and an enabler? My narc mother abused me but also enabled her oldest daughter half-sister to abuse me in every way possible and cheered her on to do it absolutely! Absolutely. So, when I talk about flying monkeys because let’s let’s just go down to brass tacks here. Flying Monkeys are enablers, enablers are flying monkeys. They do the bidding of the abuser and there’s two types of flying monkeys. So, there’s one type where they’re just like Pollyanna, don’t get it have never seen abuse have never been around abuse don’t understand abuse. They don’t get the, the nefarious way that abusers think they don’t understand any of this, and so getting them to understand, hey, I don’t want you running back to this person and telling them what I’m doing. Boom because they don’t understand okay, that’s that’s one type of flying monkey. They’re just kind of ignorant so you educate them but then if they continue to do it after you’ve educated them that’s when you go buh bye, go pound sand, buh bye so that’s one kind. The other kind is narcissists. Other narcissists, usually minor narcissists. Sometimes major, enable other narcissists because they recognize themselves in the narcissist, so that’s why you see gangs of bullies. That’s why you see people jumping on a bandwagon with another narcissist because it’s other narcissists that recognize themselves in the main narcissist and they want that power. They want that aggrandizement. So yeah, it is totally common to have narcissists be enablers. You betcha for either a more major narcissist a more powerful narcissist or just for a narcissist in general because they like them. They recognize themselves in them. Yeah, there it is. healthy normal people do not bully let me just be very clear. healthy normal people ain’t got time for that we got a life to live, there’s beaches to go to and dogs do pet I’m sorry, my life’s too busy for that kind of crap. But with abusers it’s all about me, me, me I, I, I,  more, my genitals. That’s all they care about. So, and they want the power. They want the control. It’s all about power and control. So, the yes, they will hook up with an abuser absolutely! And in that case, what you want to do is go no contact, you know, if you’ve got family members that are abusing and the parent is encouraging it. That’s when you block, delete, go bye, go no contact, because if you were not related to these people, would you have anything to do with them? If the answer is no, act accordingly. That is why I moved as far away from my dad as I possibly could. And I had very little contact with him. So, because no, I would not have anything to do with him would I would with my mom. Yeah, I would, especially after my dad died and she started working on herself. So, but yeah, if you were not related to these people, if you were not related to these bozos, would you have anything to do with them? If the answer is no, act accordingly go no contact, block, delete, keep yourself safe because they don’t change. It does not get better. Um,

Kris Godinez  37:29

okay.

Okay, so this goes back to the question. I was talking about reliving the abuse. I’m scared of reliving the abuse and resisting doing the books, is this self-sabotaging? Well, yeah, it is in a way. So that’s why I say if there’s a great deal of fear around, working through the trauma, get with a trauma therapist, seriously get EMDR, EFT Emotional Freedom therapy, it’s a good, good route to go. So, it’s common, it’s normal. But remember, fear is a thought that’s all it is false evidence appearing real and the amygdala cannot tell the difference between false evidence appearing real and a real threat. It’s all the same. And that’s why the amygdala goes here now, here now, here now, you know, freaks out the whole thing. So, the fear is, remember this and this is it’s so funny. I like to think of fear as a bully. I like to think of fear as a tool that the bully uses. And so, when somebody tries to intimidate me, or make me fearful, or anything like that, that’s when I go middle finger to that fear and I’m going to go do what’s going to heal me because the bully, the abuser does not want me to work on myself does not want me to be healthy, happy whole, etc, etc, etc. So that’s one way to deal with the fear. Is it self-sabotage? Yeah, because remember, when we did start separating from our abusers, when I first moved out, my dad accused me of you know, being a whore and sleeping around I wasn’t, you know, all of this stuff because he was angry because I got away and I wasn’t his punching bag anymore. And so, he had to find another punching bag. So yeah, they will punish us for getting healthy. Oh, well, bye cutting you off. Not gonna see you, hasta lauego, buh bye, you know. So yeah, you can’t allow fear to keep you from bettering yourself.

I dissociate a lot. How do I stay present? That is totally common with trauma, trauma targets. So, dissociation is our brain just kind of going, peace out can’t cope. So, when you dissociate, I again strongly suggest getting with a good trauma therapist. Dissociation is a normal part of PTSD. It is I know it sucks. So, you got to figure out what the triggers are. Number one so that you understand when you’re dissociated. So, what was the trigger? And remember, triggers are not necessarily.

Kris Godinez  40:08

It’s not necessarily always just a thought, it can be a smell, it can be a taste, it can be a sound, it can be a feeling, it can be, you know, it can be anything. So, try to figure out what your triggers are, that’s going to help your therapist go in the right direction to help you work on those triggers, so that you can take your power back so that you’re not feeling helpless so that you don’t feel like you need to be like, bye. You know what I’m saying and it is a part of PTSD, CPTSD, it is a part of that we check out when it’s too much. That’s why in post traumatic stress disorder, complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, oftentimes, the target of abuse knows abuse was going on, but they can’t necessarily remember the specific events because it’s been too much, too frightening, too overwhelming to whatever. Totally normal, totally normal, absolutely, totally normal. So, I would say get with a good trauma therapist and work on that.

Um, can one narc parent abuse the other parent to the point where the other parent becomes disordered and mentally damaged. And that parent then becomes the bad one. Yeah, yep, yep. Yep, they can. Absolutely it’s, it’s crazy. And that’s and that’s why I’m saying, if you recognize that you are in an abusive relationship, get out, get out no amount of security, or money, or prestige, or anything else is worth it. It will eventually kill you. It will either soul kill you, or you will end up becoming just as damaged as they are. And that’s pretty much what was going on with my mom. My mom went from a an abusive mother, who was oh my god, that woman anyway, from her to her first husband, who was also disordered to my dad who absolutely was disordered. So yeah, you can. You’ll just keep getting you’ll pick up fleas. How many times? I mean, my mom had so many fleas. It wasn’t even funny, you know. And so, we started working on those one by one. So yeah, it’s, it’s yeah, they can absolutely go from, you know, an enabler to completely disordered themselves. Absolutely.

Okay, Kris, I’ve been wanting to ask you if you like pickles. They reduce anxiety, which I’ve been dealing with. Just don’t drink all the juice at once. It was a hard lesson I learned, oh, so much swelling. Oh, God. Yes, I do like pickles. I do. And I don’t however, like drinking the pickle juice. I know some people swear by it, but I’m just gonna like ewwww, I do like dill pickles. Actually. I like sweet pickles, too. But, um, yeah, I love pickles. I think they’re great. And if they help, then yeah, go for it. But don’t drink it all at once. You’re absolutely right. Too much swelling. Um, okay.

Did your mother ever fully apologize for her part of the abuse? Yeah, she did. She did. That’s that is the only reason I was continuing to have a relationship with her. I confronted her. And I was like, if you want to have a relationship with me, you need to acknowledge what you did and what you didn’t do. And you need to start working on this stuff. And I got her all the books and she did. So, you know, and I do think she had a lot of fleas. She obviously had a lot of fleas from her mother, who was a narcissist. Absolutely. And then my dad who was borderline and narcissistic, he was crazy. He was all kinds of crazy. None of it good. So yeah, she picked up a lot of stuff. And she really did. blossom in those last 20 years that she was alive 20, 25 years after my dad died. And she did apologize. But did she continue to do stupid things on occasion? Yeah, she would. Absolutely. You know, I figured she wasn’t going to conquer everything this lifetime, but she made amends to me. And that’s what’s important. And, yeah, so yeah. And yeah, she did acknowledge she did acknowledge standing at the window and not doing anything and she did acknowledge sacrificing us to keep herself safe. And she was ashamed about that. So yeah, we worked through that. So that was but it was painful for her. It was freeing for me but yeah, it was good to talk about it. You know, so yeah, tough stuff.

Um, my husband did not protect me at all from his raging narc sister and enabling mother. Was this wrong? I eventually learned my strong boundaries after 20 years in a divorce. Yeah, absolutely. So here’s the deal.

Kris Godinez  44:36

Narcissistic in laws, and I think I’ve talked about this not too long ago, narcissistic in laws will go after the spouse that they think they can. And it really, it’s a loyalty test. It is it’s a loyalty test for the adult child. And so, the adult child is sitting there going, Oh, do I defend my spouse or do I go with my family? Oh my God, I don’t know what to do so, oftentimes they’ll refuse. They’ll refuse to defend the spouse and that is bad news bears. That is a red flag of Communist Party of proportions. Serious red flag. Hello. Yeah, it’s, it’s so that is that is common with adult children of narcissists if they have not worked on themselves that the abusive narc in laws will then attack the new spouse as a loyalty test. Are you going to go it’s us or them. Remember, for the abusers it’s always a win lose situation. It’s never a win win situation. And for them, it’s a loyalty test. Are you loyal to us? Are you loyal to me? Or are you loyal to your new spouse? Well, I’m sorry. But the part of the parents should be to teach those kids how to fly on their own, and go cleave to their spouse and go do them. You know what I’m saying? That’s what a good parent does. A narcissistic or borderline parent will demand loyalty to the parent instead of to the new family. And I think I’ve talked about this several times. So yeah, they absolutely they absolutely do that. Yeah, this was wrong. He should have stood up for you. Absolutely. Asofreakinglutely. Absolutely. And you know, it’s the same thing. It’s like if the roles were reversed if your family was attacking him, would you have stood up for him? Yeah, you probably would have. But the fact that he wasn’t willing to stand up for you and wasn’t willing to work on it. Oh, red flag, red flag.

When I was a kid, I felt like I was the only adult in the family. Is that crazy? No. Oh my god, sweetie, I’m telling you, I felt the same way. And I’d be willing to bet everybody here did. So, when we’ve got a disordered parent or two, you literally have been parentifide. You know, there’s, somebody’s got to be driving the car. These two bozos aren’t. So yeah, the kids become parentifide. And usually the kids, especially the one who sees the pink elephant, taking a dump in the corner of the living room is the only one that is sane enough to make rational decisions.

So, you know, one of the stories I tell in my book, you know, What’s Wrong With Your Dad? I’ve told this several times. I was 10 years old, 10. And we were in the van driving the van on some road trip. And the

Kris Godinez  47:24

automatic steering what is that called a cruise control. Cruise control got stuck, and dad couldn’t disengage it. So like he tapped on the brake wouldn’t disengage, turned it off, wouldn’t disengage car was speeding up, speeding up, speeding up. He was panicking. My mom was panicking. And I’m looking at the situation. I’m like, well throw it in neutral, turn the car off close to the side of the road problems. All right. So, the fact that the two adults sitting here who both had their driver’s licenses, couldn’t figure out to do something so logical and so simple as to throw it into neutral, turn off the car Coast over to the side of the road, so we can get off safely. And a 10-year-old who hadn’t driven yet, but obviously watched a lot of driving, you know, could figure that out. It’s like, why, why? Why why as a 10-year-old, was I the only one to figure this out? What, what’s wrong with this picture? You know, so yeah, it is very common for us to be parentifide. And what’s interesting is, is at that particular point in time, I realized my dad was then very threatened by me because he realized I knew what to do. Because at that time, he was screaming at me Shut up, you don’t know what you’re doing. Bla bla bla, my mom finally started screaming back at him. She knows what she’s doing. Do what she says. He did what I said, we were able to get over to the side of the road. And from that moment, I can pinpoint it. From that moment on is when he started telling me I was the cute one. Not the smart one. So, isn’t that interesting? So yeah, yeah, we are parentifide. Absolutely. But then if we show them up, they get pissed. And then they start trying to put us down, you know, discard, devalue, etc, etc, etc. Okay, um, yeah. So that’s you’re not crazy. A lot of us felt parentifide. You bet.

What do you think happens to the family when the SG scapegoat goes no contact? I’m two years no contact. Now. What do you think happens to my elderly parents, my dad is in her enabler always has been? Well, so what happens is when a child especially the scapegoat leaves the family. So first of all, what’s going to happen usually, is that the family and the flying monkeys desperately try to get the scapegoat back into the family system because the rest of the family doesn’t want to play the game of your it. Because now the the abuser is going to have to find a new scapegoat. They can use you the old scapegoat for a while and talk about you and all of this. But if you’re no contact with them, and there’s no drama, eventually that gets old. And now they have to find a new scapegoat. So usually what they do is they, the roles change, they find a new scapegoat. And it’s especially hard on a family on a child where they’re the only child because they end up playing the golden child and the scapegoat. Talk about confusing. So, um, yeah, the family roles change, they have to pick a new scapegoat. And they’ll, they’ll gossip, they’ll do whatever for a long, long time. But if there’s no new information, like if they can’t get new information on you, and it’s all old information, and it’s not exciting, they’ll find another scapegoat, guarantee it. And it could be anyone, it could be grandparents that they decide to start picking on it could be other children, they decide to start picking out it could be the spouse, it could be whatever. So yeah, absolutely.

Um, okay. My brain keeps bringing up all the good times. And I tend to minimize the bad times, how do I stop this? Totally common? Oh, my God, every one of us here has done that. guarantee it. So, it’s denial. So, what you want to do is you want to write out every single rotten thing that these people have ever done to you seriously. And when your mind starts going down memory lane, because remember, guys, we are in Hoover season, this is when families reach out to the kids that have gone no contact with them. This is when exes reach out to the person who said I see you for what you are by. So, from now until the middle of February is Hoover season. And they’re counting on the nostalgia of this time of year to get you to contact them. So, you want to write out every rotten thing that they ever, ever did to you. And you keep that somewhere where you can see it so that when your mind starts going, Oh, I really miss them. I remember the good times and and this that and the other thing you can be like, Oh yeah, and then they did this. And then they did this and then they did that oh man, then they did Mother Clucker. And then they didn’t you know, do you see where I’m going with that to remind yourself because we tend to do that. It’s kind of a it’s like a human defense mechanism. We tend to forget the bad times so that we keep going, you know, so but in this case, this is harmful because then this leads to relapse in that we come back to the abuser because we fool ourselves into thinking oh, but it was so good. And this happened and was so fun.

Kris Godinez  52:30

Don’t do it. Write out every rotten thing that ever happened and remind yourself of who they really are. All right, my love’s go have a wonderful week Drink plenty of water be good yourselves. Be careful out there on the roads. So, because people driving crazy. So anyway, that’s it.  alright. Talk to you later.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Chris godinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.

The post Throwback Thursday: 11-14-2021 WHEN THE PARENT IS THE ENABLER appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Hello, Kris Godinez licensed professional counselor and also the host of We Need to Talk on every Sunday at noon.  Susanna and I are working on doing a seminar it is not firmed up. She wants to do it in August, like next week, week after it’s going to be online. So as soon as I get that information, and as soon as that’s live and ready to go, I will let you guys know and it’s basically going to be how do you heal after the abuse? What do you need to do? You know, what are the what are the steps? What do you need to do? Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So she and I are going to be she’s going to be handling what she you know what she learned from her life. And I’m going to be teaching you guys more stuff about how to heal after leaving the abuse. So anyway, as soon as I get the information on that we will definitely  I will definitely put that all out and let you guys know, all right. So okay, sorry. I’m a little scattered. jetlag number one. Number two house is a mess. Oh my god. Anyway, number three. Hi, how are you? So?

Alright, so today’s topic is being in the spotlight slash accepting compliments. So, All right. A lot of people have the spotlight effect and it is a real effect. But, the spotlight effect seems to be more prevalent among people who have been abused. Why? Well, okay, so first of all, what is the spotlight effect? So, the spotlight effect is you go out in public and you think everyone is looking at you and you think everyone is watching you and you think everyone is judging you. Okay. I think a lot of people have that. But I think it’s more prevalent among people that were raised by narcissists. Why? Well, because when we’re raised by a narcissist, what do they do all the time? Judge, judge, judge look at you look at you look your age, you know, it’s all your fault, this, that and the other thing. So, we tend to think that other people because that’s been our experience that other people are always just are always looking at us or always commenting on us. So, I have a couple of really good Psychology Today articles one was the spotlight effect.

The spotlight effect refers to the tendency to think that more people notice something about you than they do dozens of studies, dozens of studies in social psychology have supported the funnel phenomenon. In one test, some students wore bright yellow Barry Manilow T shirts to an introductory psychology class. I’m thinking to myself those students are probably like who’s Barry Manilow? They had been okay, they then had the costume Where’s estimate how many people in class they thought noticed it was greatly overestimate. So, what explains the spotlight effect? Basically, it is the result of egocentrism, which makes sense because if you’re raised by a narcissist, it is literally all about them. And so we learn it’s a flea. It’s a flea guys, it’s a flea it’s learned behavior, so we got to squish it. So okay, we are all the center of our own universes, which is true narcissists. More so this is not to say we are arrogant or value ourselves more than others, narcissists do but again, this is a flea we picked up from them. Rather our entire existence is from our own experience and perspective, which makes total sense why so many people have this because there’s 35 to 45% people out there disordered. So, all right, we use those experiences to evaluate the world around us, including other people, but other people not only lack knowledge of for instance, the stain that you have on your shirt, but they are the center of their own universes too and in turn are focused on their own things.

So and if you have a healthy, parenting situation, you know, because your parent is not always judging, right? And they’re not always narcissistic and whatever. And so you know that other people are busy with their own lives and not paying attention. And you know, that whole thing. Okay, back to this article.

Hold on naive realism and bias blind spots also contribute to this, for instance, people typically do not perceive themselves as biased, we don’t. They tend to assume that they are focusing what they are focusing on, is accurate and objective. And generally, it’s not in that case, in turn, they believe that most other people should notice what they are focusing in on. So, in other words, if you are focusing in on, oh my gosh, I have the stain on my shirt. Oh my gosh, everybody’s going to notice it. Because you’re biased that you’re focusing in on that you’re assuming, which, assuming makes an ass out of you and me that everyone else is also focusing in on this stain. They’re not, they’re not guaranteed they are not. Because they’re so busy with their own lives. They’re not even noticing. And if they noticed that it’s kind of like, okay, I got a stain. So does almost everybody in the world goes out and eats out, you know, so, specially if you’re kind of slobs like me and John, like, oh, you know, so if we focus in on something, it’s just it’s the same thing. If we focus in on an imperfection on our face, you know, we’ll go oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, everybody’s going to be looking at this pimple that I have on my cheek? No, they’re not. They’re you’re focused on it, but not everybody else is.

So, when you’re dealing with the hyper focusing, and the oh my gosh, everybody’s looking at me. You’re going to have to do thought stopping. Like, seriously. So that thought pops up. Oh, my gosh, everybody’s looking at me. Everybody sees the stain on my shirt. Everybody sees the pimple on my cheek. Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh. First of all, it’s not an arm, it’s not a leg, nobody’s dying, doesn’t matter. So you have a stain on your shirt. So what if they’re going to judge you for that? You don’t want them in your life. Anyway, seriously. Same thing with the pimple. It’s like it’s a pimple pimples happen. stains on shirts happen. Apparently, Barry Manilow shirts happen as well. So you know, you just you can’t, you cannot allow that thought start doing the rumination and start just circling the drain. So that… it’s preventing you from enjoying your life. And that’s what it does.

So, think of it as a continuation of the abuse. It’s a continuation of the abuser going and you you, you look at that! You’re this You’re that! You, you, you, you guns going off, right? You got to be able to go okay, there’s that thought and? Yeah, I got a stain. And so what? So there’s a stain on my shirt. So what? I have never in my 57 years, had somebody walk up to me and go, Oh my gosh, you’ve got a stain on your shirt. Never, never, never, ever. And if a stranger did, I’d be like, Yeah, I do. Thank you for pointing it out, I’ll make sure and put some spray and wash on it. You know, you don’t allow other people to judge you. You just don’t. We did when we were kids, because we couldn’t get away from the narcissistic parent, whether that was male or female. But now that we’re an adult, you know, it’s like, okay, thanks. And? You know, and you go on with your life. I’ve never had anybody do that. Because generally the only people that would ever do something like that are cuckoo, because you would never walk up to a total stranger and be like, you’ve got to stain your shirt, you know, or you’ve got acne, you know, it’s like, who does that? Nobody, like literally nobody unless they’re disordered. And if they do that you know they’re disordered, you move away from them. And you do not take it personally.

I think that’s what a lot of us struggle with in the beginning, when we leave an abusive family or we leave an abusive relationship is that we’ve learned behavior. We’ve learned to take all of this stuff. Uber, personally, like, like we’re on the alert, we’re on hyper alert for attacks, right? And that’s part of the being in the spotlight thing. So, because we’re looking, we’re waiting for an attack, we’re waiting for somebody to come up and say something, we’re waiting for some we’re waiting for the shoe to drop, basically. And it’s because of the way we were raised. It’s because of the judgment that we had nonstop from mom, dad, grandparents, teachers, whatever. And so we’re hyper focused on oh my god, oh, my God. Oh, my God, are they… do they see this? They’re looking at me.

So the extreme of that becomes agoraphobia. It does because we’re terrified of leaving the house. So basically, the way I want you to look at it is the best way to give the middle finger to your abuser is to go live life. to the fullest! Stains on the shirt acne on the face and all, and just go have fun. So, when those thoughts pop up, you’re going to have to go hmm, I hear you, I see you…. who, who did that come from? Where does this judgment come from? who judged me as a kid or who judged me in this relationship that I just got out of? What is this about? Oh, it’s my ex. Oh, it’s my dad. Oh, it’s my mom. Oh, it’s you know, whoever it is fill in the blank. And then you go, I hear you. I see you. And you have absolutely no relevance in my life. Right now. I am sending you off hit the road. Jack, don’t you come back, no mo, no mo, no mo, no mo, buh bye now. Goodbye, go pound sand. Buh bye. Write when you get work, buh bye. And you let it go. Because seriously, other people are so wrapped up in their own lives. They’re not looking and this going on in our heads is a continuation of the abuse. So it’s almost like the abuser is still there. That’s that inner critic hello. So it’s almost as if the abuser is still there going, you know, you know and keeping you from living your best life. The best revenge I kid you not is live. Well please, for the love of God and all that is holy go live. Well go do things go take yourself out to lunch, go explore, go walking outside with a rip or a stain in your shirt. You know, it doesn’t matter what other people think other esteem is not self-esteem.

Okay, so the other part of being in the spotlight. And this is I think another reason why we avoid a lot of us avoid being in the spotlight being extroverts. Because number one, an extrovert that makes you an easy target for the narcissist. If you’re living at home with a narcissist and you’re an extrovert, and I know this one from firsthand. You’re an easy target, because you’re always, you know, out basically, you’re like, you know, here I am, you know, I’m doing my life, you know. And so a lot of kids tend to learn to become introverts to avoid dealing with the Narcissist. So I’ve been told a lot of times that I’m a extroverted introvert. Because I can when I need to just disappear if I have to. So it’s, you know, something to think about. It’s like, what is your true nature, and my true nature is, I do love people, and I do love getting out and meeting people, but and when I was living home with a crazy parents or two, you know, it was like, hide, be safe, you know, that kind of thing, that kind of thing. And then when you go out into public, you do think that everybody is judging you just like the abuser did, but they’re not guys, they’re not I promise.

The other aspect of the spotlight effect is that not only do we not want people to notice us because of the abuse. But if we do something extraordinary, or if we do something worthy of you know, accolades or credit or whatever, who marches in and takes credit for it. That would be the abusers. That would be the abusers. I can’t tell you the number of times, personally, and also people coming in and sitting on the couch, when I used to have an actual office instead of virtual, but you know, what I’m saying, you know, telling me, it’s like, Hey, I did this great thing, and my mom took credit for it, or my dad took credit for it, or, you know, my teacher took credit for it, or, you know, whatever. So, they do that. It’s what they do. And they do it because they must be at the center of attention all the time. You get that don’t want to be the center of attention kind of thing going because it’s like, we know that it’s just going to be taken away from us. And the credit is going to go to the abuser or, or something great.

Narcissists are so weird. So they do want to two things, they either take credit for what we’re doing, or if we do something really great, they then punish us for it. Because how dare we? How dare we be in the spotlight? How dare we do something amazing. How dare we, you know, it’s this really, it’s this dichotomy. It’s like, they’re either this, you know, I’m going to take the credit for it and claim you as my child, as long as you make me look good. Or how dare you look good. How dare you do something better than me? How dare you, you know. And so we learned very quickly, it’s like, no, thank you. I’ll just, let’s just get back over here. You know, it’s like, it’s so we have this really hard time either being in the spotlight because we know it’s going to be taken away from us or we feel like we’re going to be judged all the time. Or we’re going to be punished for it. So, it really is.

What’s the word I’m looking for? It really is. It’s because of how we were raised or what we were around. And what we used to bias. It’s stepping out of that circle of thinking it’s stepping out of that way of, you know, you’ve really got to it’s mindfulness guys. It’s mindfulness, you’ve got to check in and go, Is this the internal critic? Is this fear the internal critic, so remember, abusers would desperately love to keep us down, and never be better than them. Or they would love to literally ride on our coattails or whatever. And I talk about it in my book, what’s wrong with your dad, available on Amazon. That, you know, if I did things that made dad look great. He claimed to me as his daughter and loved me and the whole thing, but if I didn’t, he had no problem. No problem humiliating me in public. So great example is, you know, I did acting because that was my thing. And as every time I got a role, oh, I was his daughter. Oh, look at her, she’s great. Oh, she’s that she’s that. He then forced me to go to beautician school, rather than allowing me to try to figure out what I wanted to do for a living. And it took me five years to graduate college when it would have taken me four. So he told everyone how stupid I was. And I couldn’t graduate in four years when he was the one that forced me to take a year off to go through cosmetology school. That’s just what they do. They’re just evil. They’re assholes. And they’re evil. And they’re mean, and they seek to destroy, so they are intent on ruining life. In general, they don’t want you to go out, they don’t want you to have fun. They don’t want you to feel they don’t want you to love. They don’t want you to experience great joy. They don’t want you to have deep emotions, they don’t want you to cry and really grieve, they don’t want you to have any other emotion other than what they want you to have. Because they cannot feel. And so that I believe is what is going on with the spotlight thing. It’s like we’ve been conditioned. Okay, remember conditioning, right? You know, it’s like repetitive intermittent positive rewards the whole thing. And so it conditions us to either avoid the spotlight or think that we’re in the spotlight in a way all the time because of how you were raised and because of how parents or that teacher or that lover or whoever treated us during that time period.

So the first article that I was reading from was from Psychology Today. So yeah, it’s vastly overestimated it and I can attest to that, because you guys know I have a T shirt that has Freud on it, right? This is called the spotlight effect. And this is by Hatholic PhD. I have a T shirt that has frayed on it, right. And it’s, it’s the dark side of your mom. And it looks like the Dark Side of the Moon. So this one guy was like, I want Pink Floyd, bla bla bla bla bla, and he didn’t even read the t shirt. I’m just like, looking at him going, did you look at the t shirt? Because that’s not what this is about people. So yeah, they don’t, they’re not. They don’t often really catch the small details and they don’t really pay attention to other people. You know, it’s kind of a meta thing. Not a micro thing. You know what I’m saying? So, so they’re not really they’re not really they’re not really looking at us. They’re not really judging us. We think they are we feel they are how am I doing on time? I cannot see because I don’t have my glasses on. Okay, one more article. Hold on.

All right. Um, and so this is another article that I pulled up and this is on choosing therapy, and it’s by Hilary. Shafi Schaffer, Hilary Schaffer, she’s a licensed professional counselor. So um, signs that you’ve been raised by a narcissist, love was always conditional. And this is what has to do with the spotlight syndrome. Again, as I was talking about, if you make them look good, then they’ll love you. But that’s not love. Let’s be clear here. I think survivors of abuse really need to re experience every emotion and understand that narcissists do not feel a single one of them the way that healthy people do. So their idea of love is absolutely strings attached. It is absolutely conditional, and it absolutely is based on their mercurial and capricious whims. So, if they’re in a good mood and you make them look good, great if they’re in a bad mood and you’re doing something that’s making you look good, they’ll punish you for it. And it’s never the same. It’s like you can’t ever really get good footing as to what’s going to set them off. So, you know, it’s like I said, you could walk in and say, Good morning, and they’ll come unglued. You could walk in the next day and say, Good morning, the exact same way. And there’ll be Oh, good morning, and you’re sitting here going, Okay, you know, so there’s no consistency. That’s the thing. And so we learn, the best thing to do is to just disappear. So yeah, their love is absolutely conditional. And that’s where part of where the spotlight syndrome comes in.

It was always about them, they would take credit for things that you did. You know, my dad used to love to do that. He thought he was the greatest opera singer in the world. And if I did anything with a chorus, or choir or anything like that, he would tell everybody how it was all him. And I’m sitting here going, you’re not the one that was doing the hours and hours and hours and hours and hours of practice. Hello. So, they do they march in, and they just, you know, it’s all about them, always has to be about them, always. And if it’s not like, if you contradict a narcissist, this is why I keep telling people don’t try to get them to see what they’re doing it first of all, they don’t want to see. And number two, they’re not going to change, and they will take that information and punish you with it. So, if I tried to correct my dad on something I would never hear the end of it, he would do…. He would do one of two things. He would either do the raging, or he would break into 100,000 million feud. You don’t appreciate me, why don’t you appreciate me? Boo, hoo, hoo. Oh, my freaking god, really? So yeah, they’ll do something that’s not normal. Normal parents don’t behave like that, guys. Normal parents do not behave like that. There is no raging. There is no punishing. There is no, you know, under the spotlight looking at you, what are you doing? What are you wearing? What are you thinking? You know, how dare you laugh so loud? How dare you wear that outfit? How dare you do this? How dare you do that. There’s none of that there is literally none of that. I just spent two weeks with part of my family. They’re wonderful. You know why? healthy, normal, great. Parents love them. So it was wonderful to see good healthy parenting, especially in my life. But again, it goes to parents because they spend therapy and a lot of time working on themselves and a lot of time getting rid of all the fleas. So again, these are fleas. These are fleas. These are fleas. Alright, hold on, let me get to the rest of this article.

You weren’t allowed to have your own feelings needs or your own hobbies. Again, they take over. You were worried about pleasing them or displeasing them. So again, I think that’s a lot of where the spotlight thing comes in. Is because we’re worried what other people think we’re constantly focused outwards, because they’re constantly focused outwards, they depend on other esteem. It’s always other esteem. It’s never self-esteem from them, ever. They don’t have any. So, we learned very quickly to you know, what’s going on? What’s going on? Who’s here? What’s who’s looking? Who’s, who’s judging? Who’s Who do I have to please Who do I have to stay away from? Who do I have to you know, it’s crazy. So again, this comes from the way we were raised? Absolutely. And this and I’m going to go into compliments here in just a minute because I want to I will definitely want to hit this. Yeah, they run hot and cold, they do no wrong. And it really affects us growing up, because, you know, it’s just, it’s what we’ve seen.

So, let’s then roll this into taking compliments and impostor syndrome really quickly. So we, because of all this, quickly get the message that we aren’t worthy, quickly, we get the message that we are not worthy that they’ve let us know in no uncertain terms, that it’s all because of them. Or if we do something good that we’re going to be punished for it and therefore we’re not worthy. So a lot of it is what we were again, it’s a flea so we learn very quickly. It’s not okay to accept compliments to acknowledge ourselves to take credit for where hard work and what we’ve done, etc., etc., etc. So a lot of us grew up with this imposter syndrome. And so we’re waiting for somebody to point the finger you know, kind of like what was that horror movie? The one with the pod people? Oh, where they got replaced Donald Sutherland? No, Donald Pleasance. I always get those two mixed up. Donald Sutherland, at the end of the movie was a pod person and he’s like, you know, and we’re waiting for that we’re waiting for somebody to point the finger and go, you don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re this, you’re that! You’re, you’re a fake, you’re a fraud, bla bla bla bla, so impostor syndrome, and the reason we get that is because of parents, family of origins, teachers, any narcissists, that would take credit, put us down, punish us, you know, for doing something well, or things like that.

So how to start accepting compliments? First of all, you’re going to have to acknowledge that you’re going to feel weird doing it. Okay. First and foremost, it is going to feel weird, you’re not going to feel normal. So, when someone says something nice to us, what do we usually do? We deflect. We do Oh, no, well, you too. No, you’re great. No, you. You’re fabulous. Well, thank you, you’re great, you know, so we immediately deflect, and we immediately get back to them, because that’s what we’ve been trained to do by the narcissist. It’s like, oh, no, it’s all them. They’re fabulous. So that’s what we do. That’s our knee jerk reaction and 99.9% of us.

The other thing we do is we feel incredibly uncomfortable. And we start feeling squirmy inside when somebody gives us a compliment. So this is all part of self-care, self-esteem, and really on warning the fleas squishing the fleas. So again, this is another flea that we learned from having been around a narcissist. So, when somebody gives you a compliment, you’ve got to understand it is going to feel unnatural. It is going to feel weird. It’s going to be uncomfortable. You’re going to want to get rid of it, because that’s the inner child. So, I’m going to encourage you guys inner child workbook, Katherine Taylor, Luccia Cappuccini. Cappuccini No, that’s not her name. Cap, but Cioni cap. It’s not a coffee. You know what I mean? Anyway, so any workbook self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, or you are a badass by Jensen Sincero or any of the self-esteem workbooks, you’re going to want to get in touch with that inner child and work on both the spotlight syndrome and the freaked outness about accepting compliments, Hi, little one, it’s okay to accept compliments. It’s okay, no one is going to punish you. Let me say that, again, no one is going to punish you for accepting a compliment. It’s okay.

So, figure out how old you were when you realized it wasn’t okay to accept compliments, figure out how old you were when you realized it wasn’t okay to be in the spotlight. Or when you realized you were suddenly thinking everybody was you know, looking at you, Hey, little one, nobody’s judging you. And if they are, they don’t need to be in your life. You have me to make sure that they stay out. So do you see where I’m going with that? You have your adult be the adult, you have your child be the child and you comfort them and you reassure them, and you start teaching them, hey, we don’t have to give credit where it’s not due. Hey, we can accept compliments and credit for what we have done. You know what I’m saying? So, it’s, it’s, it’s working on the inner child.

So, when somebody pays us a compliment, just understand, you’re going to feel weird. It’s going to feel like, Oh, my God, I can’t accept this. Oh, my God, well, yeah, you can. And you really you should, because it’s part of growing, and it’s part of healing, and it’s part of squishing those fleas. So, when somebody gives you a compliment, what you’re going to do is just recognize you’re going to feel weird. And you simply say, thank you. And that’s it. You don’t need to give it back. Unless you want to, I mean, something, you know, but don’t use that as a deflection. Don’t use that as a way to not really accept the compliment. Compliments from healthy people are truly gifts. They are saying, I see you, I see you. And I’m proud of you. And I love you. And here’s what I love about you. Wow, that’s a gift. So you don’t want to deflect that. Because when they would give compliments or when you got confidence, and you had to give them the credit. It was a game and it was awful. It was horrible. Well, you’re out of that now. So now you get to accept the compliment. You get to love yourself, you get to, you get to and you just simply say thank you. And that’s it. And don’t use the giving a compliment back as deflection. Now if you truly want to compliment somebody, like somebody, you know, said something about my Hawaiian dresses that I wear all the time, and they too had a really cool Hawaiian shirt. I was like, Oh, love your Hawaiian shirt! That’s awesome. But I also let in the compliment about the Hawaiian dress. Does that make sense? So you just simply say thank you and let it percolate through and then notice that the inner critic is going to pop up and be like, Oh, that’s not true. They want something. Thank you for your input. Shut the bleep up. Why? Because I say so. Go pound sand now buh bye now. Do you see where I’m going with that? So, it’s Got to take practice. But this is all connected. You know, the feeling of being in the spotlight, the fear of the spotlight, inability to take compliments, it all is fleas that we have learned from the abuser because it has to be all about them. So, there that is okay. Let’s start answering questions. Shall we?

Okay, I’m going to need to make this bigger because I don’t have my glasses. Do narcissists steal our moment when we achieved something because they themselves didn’t achieve anything and are jealous? Oh, yes. When I graduated, oh, my goodness. When I graduated from my university, my mom acted like it did. Was so cringy Yes. 110% Yeah, they absolutely if you achieve something that they have not achieved or could not achieve, or whatever, they will absolutely seek to ruin the moment. Okay, so let’s be clear. narcissists do not feel. They do not, they cannot, they do not they do not feel emotions the way you and I feel emotions, because in order to feel emotions, healthfully, you need to actually have empathy. They do not have the empathy card at all. They don’t. And if it’s not about them, they will seek to make it about them. And if they cannot make it about them somehow, then they will seek to ruin it. So let me be clear here. They will ruin birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, that’s their favorite drama, honestly, graduations, births, funerals, I’ve seen that too. That’s fascinating. Anything that’s not about them, they will then make about them. And if they cannot make it about them, they will figure out a way to either create chaos and drama. Or they’ll ruin it in some way, shape, or form. Guarantee it take that to the bank. So again, in my book, what’s wrong with your dad when I graduated… My mom never graduated college. She I think had maybe high school education. And that was it. And she never went on. And she never went to college never got a degree. So, I went through even with my dad sabotaging and my mom supporting him 100% You know, it’s kind of like, Wow, mom, thanks for not, you know, standing up for me. But you know, I understand she dad was her mom. There we go. Because my grandmother on her side was a total narc. So okay, so Graduated, went through the ceremony. And what did she do? She picked a fight with me. She picked a fight with me over here’s the funny part. If you guys know me, if you saw my videos before I got a sponsor, you know, I have a mouth on me. I swear like a sailor. Okay, so I was doing my typical Kris thing and talking and swearing and the whole thing. And she picks that moment in time, that particular moment in time at the family house with people there to start an argument with me about swearing. She lost in more ways than one. But it’s that’s what they do. She couldn’t and really what it was really about was the fact that she hadn’t ever graduated and she was jealous. And she was angry. And she was feeling a bunch of stuff that she couldn’t put an emotion to. Because at that point in time, she hadn’t read anything. She hadn’t gone to therapy. She had, you know, little bits of therapy here and there. But she hadn’t really dived into the whole narcissistic abuse thing. And so that’s when she started a fight with me to ruin my graduation, she almost succeeded. And then my older sister stepped in and was like, knock it off to her. So yeah, so that. That was good. And then, you know, my older sister and I talked it through, and that’s when we realized, Oh, she never graduated. Hmm, isn’t that interesting? So yeah, if you achieve something that they have not, yeah, they will set about to ruin it. Absolutely. If you have a family gathering, you know, and it’s fun. And you guys are having a good time, what my dad would do is he would suddenly decide to kick the dog. Just to start an argument and upset all of the kids especially because it was my dog, you know, it just they are just heinous, horrible, heinous, horrible people, and they will ruin anything… family gatherings, weddings, funerals, they’ll suddenly decide to have some medical issue a medical emergency in the middle of a wedding or in the middle of it and there’s nothing going on. I heard that happened to um, so yeah, they’re just heinous, horrible, awful people and they will set about to ruin anything, especially if you do something that they did not or could not do. Yes, they will. Absolutely set about to ruin it. Absolutely.

When a narcissist steals your spotlight to get all the attention, does it go wrong for them at times? That they accidentally expose themselves through that? Yes. Oh my gosh. Yeah. It depends. It depends on the flying monkeys around. And it depends on how conscious aware and awake the people around are. So yeah, it can go wrong for them. You know, obviously, like with my mom, my sister stepped in and was like, knock it off. But it’s as if the people around are healthy, they’re going to be like whispering to each other. Like, What? What? What are you doing? Why are you doing this? What is what is he doing? What is she doing? Why are they doing that? They do. They absolutely do. So, you know, again, personal experience, cleaning out more of my dad’s crap. There were literally I kid you not 20 to 30 copies of every single newspaper where his name was ever mentioned, because he was the city attorney for both cities when I was a kid growing up. And so he was in the newspaper frequently and he literally would run out and buy 20 or 30 copies anytime his name was mentioned. And of course, you know, I the reason I got the title, what’s wrong with your dad? Is because a woman in Gridley walked up to me when I was at spruce pharmacy, which is now no longer Spruce pharmacy, I don’t even know what it’s called anymore. But she walked up to me and she’s like, Oh, you’re so and so’s daughter, aren’t you? And I’m like, Yeah, you know, because immediately I’m always like, This can’t be good. And she looked at me, she’s like, what’s wrong with your dad? And I was like… got about four hours. And I laughed, and I walked out, because I’m not going to engage with a stranger about that. At least at that time. Now I do. But no, I was like, 18 when that happens, so yeah, they their behavior is noticeable to healthy people. It is not noticeable to other narcissists. So flying monkeys, which are either people are just ignorant, or they are minor narcissists themselves, but to healthy people. Yeah, they notice they’re like, What is wrong with this person? Because that behavior is not normal. So yeah, I think it does backfire on them. Does it always backfire on them? Eventually, I think it will, doesn’t always No, probably not. You know, depends on who’s around. And it depends on who’s willing to call it or not. So my sister was strong enough to step in and be like, ah, not doing this lady. You know, this other woman? You know, she was truly curious. I suspect there was a little bit of gossipy stuff going on as well. But you know, it’s like, yeah, people notice people do notice. And I think it’s important to, if you’re still in a situation, you cannot call it out. But if you’re out of the situation, I think it’s perfectly okay to be like back off. You know what I’m saying? And I think more of us need to start doing that. Because like I said, 35 to 45% of the population disordered. So yeah, there that is, um.

Do you think that narcissists will feel contempt for you, when you don’t want what they have? Absolutely. Oh, my gosh. So it’s really, for a narcissist, it’s all about He who has the most toward toys when they die is wins. Right? And they want you to feel jealous and envious. So remember, that’s part of the DSM five, they feel often feel that people are envious or jealous of them, or they’re often envious or jealous of other people. So that is one of the criteria. So yeah, they want you to want what they have. And remember, they are disordered, so they cannot conceive of anyone having a differing opinion than they do. So, say for example, they are into I don’t know something really expensive, like sports cars or something Lamborghinis. Let’s say Lamborghinis, because those are ridiculously expensive. So, let’s say they’re into Lamborghinis. They will expect you if they buy one. And I’m talking about, you know, really wealthy narcissists. If they buy one, they will expect you to be jealous or envious of that. Or if they have artwork, they’ll expect you to be jealous or envious of that. And if you’re just kind of like, Yeah, I’m not into modern art, thanks. You know, they’ll get pissed. They’ll get pissed because you’re not appreciating what they have. And they want you to be envious or jealous. That is one of the criteria. So that’s kind of a interesting thing to observe or to watch, because you basically you can wind them up by having absolutely no interest In what they’re collecting or what they’re doing, or what they like, or what they’re, you know, and they will sit there and try to harangue you about it will put why But why, but why but why like a little kid, so or they get angry and they rage. So yeah, it’s that’s one of the very telling things it’s like because a healthy normal person is able to go, you know, okay, let’s use milkshakes. For example, strawberry, vanilla and chocolate. You know, it’s like, so if the narcissist likes, I don’t know, vanilla, and somebody orders chocolate or strawberry, they come unglued if you didn’t order what they did.  Did they ready to think the way they think? And if they hate chocolate or strawberry, they expect you to hate chocolate or strawberry. So yeah, it’s crazy. It is crazy. But yes, they do become very angry. If you don’t agree with them on anything, it doesn’t even need to be, you know, wanting what they want. It’s like it could be a an opinion. You know, I like the color blue. Oh, I like purple. How dare you like purple? I like blue. You need to like I’m exaggerating, but it’s kind of the same thing. And they’ll harangue you, but why, but why, but why, but why, but why, but why, but why? But why? Because they’re wanting you to change your opinion. Because remember, the world needs to reflect back to them how great they are, and that they are never wrong, and that they are always right. And that’s why they can’t handle differing opinions. Because if somebody has a differing opinion, well, then that means that they’re not the ultimate authority. So yeah, that’s a good question.

How do I help my child not pick up fleas? Okay. So, it’s if you are still in the relationship, or if you are sharing custody, I’ve said this a million times, and I’ll it a million more. When the child comes back from visitation with the narcissist, they are going to have fleas galore. And the first, I would say two days are usually undoing those fleas. So, what will happen is the kid will go over to the narcissist’s house have to do their time with them sounds like going to jail doesn’t Oh, don’t get me started. We need to change the family court systems so badly. Oh, my God, don’t get me started. So, the kid goes over to the Narcissist’s house has to spend their time with them. It’s not safe for them to act out. It’s not safe for them to speak their mind. It’s not safe for them to have an opinion. It’s not safe for them to ask for chocolate or strawberry milkshake because the narcissist won’t allow it. Do you see where I’m going? So then when they come back to the sane parent, they’re going to be acting out like crazy. Why? Because it’s the ego defense mechanism. So, they will not take it out on the abuser because they know the abuser will punish them. So, they come home and they take it out on the sane parent, so that needs to be smacked down. As soon as it starts happening. Nope. Who are you really mad at? Nope, we do not behave this way over this house. No, you’re not going to climb all over the furniture. I mean, do you see where I’m going with that? Like, because the narcissist either has strict super rules over there, or they have no rules at all. Again, it seems to be like extremes. They’re all, nothing, good, black or white. So it’s strict super rules, the kid comes home, they’re going to go, they figure it out and they feel safe again. So basically, as soon as the kid comes back, and they start acting out, you let them know you love them. No, we don’t do this over here. I know it’s not safe to say this to your other parent. But you’re not going to take it out on me. Who are you really angry at? Here’s your journal go write. And then tear up. You know, you don’t need to read it. It’s none of your business. Honestly, what they’re working on is their stuff. They need to know that their journals are safe. The only time that you want to know what’s going on is if you suspect their sexual abuse going on. Seriously, or they’re you suspect they’re being hit over there. So um, yeah, it’s so you want to make sure that they have an outlet, but you also want to let them know. Ah, nope, we’re not doing that. Nope, we do not put up with that over here. We do not behave like this over here. I know you don’t like going over there. You need to journal this out, you know, that kind of thing.

See, this is why I hate the family system because the kids feel unempowered, they do. And, and there’s so little they’re so young. They don’t have the cognitive ability to go Oh, ego defense mechanism. I’m taking out what I really feel about mom or dad over on the sane parent over here. You know, so they can’t, they can’t quite put it together. So you’re going to have to help them. This is what I’m saying is if you’re having to share custody, get them into a damn good trauma therapist. Hard to do especially when you’ve got a parent that’s like no therapy because they don’t want eyes on the situation clearly. So uh, Okay, hold on. Let’s see if that answered that question. Um, okay, so helping them not pick up, fleas. Every time a behavior happens, that is inappropriate you correct them. Yes, I know you do this over your other parent’s house that is not going to fly over here. Here are rules there are their rules, you know, and you just correct them. And it’s like, you don’t want to behave like that. And you cannot allow the child to what’s the word I’m looking for? Kids will learn very quickly to play both ends off the middle. So they will act out to the sane parents tell them that hate them, tell them that they’re awful. How dare you have rules? This parent doesn’t have any rules, how dare you. And you just sit them down and go, you’re allowed to have your emotions however, you need to think about who are you really angry at. And give them an opportunity to journal. And we don’t behave this way over here. And you will not talk to me that way and then have consequences seriously, you know, it’s like, don’t allow them to hold you hostage. And don’t be afraid of them hating you. Because the abuser is pushing that one, bad mouthing you the whole time over there, two to that fear of losing them, or of losing their love is going to cause you to make some really dumb mistakes. Want to keep them so you’re like grasping at them like sand. And instead of grasping at them like sand, you’ve got to hold them like sand in your hand. Because if you grasp that sand, it’s going to slip through your fingers. If you just hold them like this, hold them accountable, hold them with love, hold them with trust, hold them with… do you see where I’m going with that? And all of that sand is not going to go away. But if you’re gripping like that, oh yeah, it’s going to slip through your fingers. And that’s exactly what the abuser wants. The abuser wants you to be fear based. The abuser wants you to do everything you do out of fear. Because if you’re fearful, you’re going to give them everything. If you’re fearful, you’re going to do things that you would not otherwise do out of fear that you’re going to lose your child. Do not make decisions out of fear… seriously. That’s why if you can get to a good trauma therapist, if you’re in the middle of a high contest, highly contested divorce, get to a good trauma therapist to help keep you on an even keel so you don’t start making decisions based in fear. And it’s frustrating because for therapists because people will come and we’ll say hey, don’t do this. Don’t give this concession to them because this is what’s going to happen. But I’m going to lose my child if I don’t no Sweetie, you’re not because honestly, the way it’s set up right now. Judges are 50/50 they are loath to take full custody unless there’s abuse or neglect going on provable, like DCS is involved with that whole thing. So, they give in and they give in and they give in and then there’s no rights. They’re not seeing their kid and it’s like you cannot make decisions based out of fear. You cannot seriously. Get with a good trauma therapist. Make sure you have somebody who understands dealing with a high conflict divorce that can help you manage mitigate your fear so that your decisions are solidly based. Laurie Hellis’ book, The No Nonsense Guide to Divorce great book highly recommended it demystifies the legal profession and demystifies exactly what happens during a divorce because I don’t think people really understand how foreign the courtroom really is. It does not work the way you think it should. So, it’s good to get a really good solid base of what is going on what is happening etc. etc. etc. Okay, let’s see what else do we have?

Why shouldn’t I send a letter I think will make me feel better. Oh Lord, no. Now, now. Sweet. Listen to me now believe me later. angry letters are best for you. There is not an enlightenment stick big enough to whap those idiots upside their head to make them understand what they’ve done. First of all, they don’t care, second of all it will give them pleasure knowing that they’ve hurt you. Do not hand them ammunition. Don’t! The best the best revenge you can give to a narcissist if you can,  absolutely no contact and they never enter your thoughts again. Seriously. So, the angry letters when you write and burn angry letters. This is what I often recommend. When you write and burn angry letters, you do it in no uncertain terms. The Good, the Bad, the Ugly, the horrific, unforgivable at the very, very end, take your power back. You know what, you did all this stuff to me? Guess what? I’m in therapy. I am working on my self-esteem. I’m working on my boundaries. I am living my best life. I’m going to go out in public, I’m going to take myself out to lunch by myself, I don’t care if I had a stain on my shirt. I don’t care if it’s a very old shirt. I’m wearing it, you know, and I’m going to go do what I want to do. And guess what? This is, this is it, we are done. I am done with you. Be Gone.  Be Gone, you know, and then take it out to the barbecue and burn it! Sending it is not going to achieve what you think it’s going to achieve. If you leaving was not enough of a wakeup call for them to figure it the bleep out. You’re sending a letter all that’s going to do is they’re going to get it and they’re going to go Oh, goody, game on, and then you’re going to get a letter back from them.

So let me put it to you this way. My dad divorced his first wife was married to my mom for 45 years. They divorced Lord 47/48 years, probably by the time he died, they sent letters back and forth to each other every week. Every week recrimination, recrimination, recrimination, recrimination, recrimination. recriminate it never stopped, the week he died, we got a letter from his ex-wife, and I’m just like, Are you effing kidding me? So, all it’s going to do is give them fuel for the fire, the best thing to do is to put them in your rearview mirror and never think of them again. And the angry letter is for you to get out all of the stuff that they did. It’s two part here. It’s kind of like validation that yes, this happened. Yes, I was hurt. Yes, I was harmed. And this is goodbye. This is it. This is we’re done. Stick a fork in me. I’m done. You know what I’m saying? It’s like not answering not going to pick up the Hoover not going to talk to you not and you just burn it and you let it go. Narcissists will Hoover, it can take 20 years, but they’ll do it guarantee that at some point in time, they’ll run out of people to use, and they will circle back around. That’s why you’re doing a letter is to remind yourself what you went through the your emotions are valid, that there are POS and you don’t ever need to talk to them again, buh bye, buh bye now! Go pound sand! Buh bye! So it’s not going to get you what you want. They’re going to use whatever you say in that letter, and then it’s just going to start. And that’s what they want. They want the anger, they do! Anger is the only emotion they understand. Because they do that really well. So, if they can hook you and get you to keep going back and forth with them. That’s narcissistic supply, cut them off at their knees, cut them off at their knees. Do not give them anything. All right let’s see here.

Um, being so aware of narcissist or unconscious people seems most people are in these categories. How do we make friends with healthy people? I’m a single mom. And too many of my peers don’t make good choices. Well, it’s going to take discernment. It is it is going to Oh dear, I keep getting a thing saying that our connection is unstable. Hmm. Okay. It’s going to take discernment, and it’s going to take practice, you know, what you’re going to want to do is you’re going to want to have a list of deal breakers. That is a really good thing to do is a list of deal breakers. So, you just write out, you know what you won’t put up with? And yeah, there’s going to be a lot of things that you will not put up with because you shouldn’t put up with disrespect, name calling, bad choices, lots of drama. No, don’t need that. Chaos. No, I don’t need that either. So um, yeah. Do a list of deal  breakers. Does it take time to find a good set of friends? Yeah, it does. And you’re going to have to wade through a lot of them because remember, 35 to 45% of the population is disordered because they’d been raised by disordered parents themselves. And they haven’t sought help. So yeah, if somebody’s working on themselves, then that’s great. You can probably do that. But if they aren’t, No way, man. No way. So okay, let’s see. How are we doing? Is that it? That is, it. Alright guys, go have a great week. And I will talk to you later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Kris Godinez  01:02

All right. So let’s get down to what we were going to be talking about today. So, dealing with, normally when I talk about hoovering or when I talk about the holidays, it’s usually the romantic stuff. It’s usually the romantic partners that do the hoovering. However, parents also do the hoovering. So, parents, in laws, ex laws, that kind of thing. And so how to deal and somebody recently sent me a question saying you know, I’m 60 years old, I came from narcissistic parents, I am still struggling, you know, how do I how do I work through this? So, I want to talk about parents in laws, ex laws, how to deal with them, so Okay, let’s get to the first one. So, this is from the website choosing therapy, which I think is great. It’s written by Negapangi Thomas, and she is an LPC and a PhD. So, this is signs of having narcissistic parents; Constantly needing the conversation to be about them, no matter what great thing has happened to you it’s always about them. Immature and selfish behavior so, they parentify the kids and they abdicate being the parent and suddenly you’re the parent to the adult, so codependency very much a real thing. So, there is that bragging about your achievements to others but never acknowledging you or supporting you emotionally. So, in other words, they’ll tell everybody “Oh, look at my son or daughter, look at how fabulous they are!” But what they’ll do is they’ll take the credit for it. So narcissistic parents will always inevitably “Well I showed them the way, I trained them how to…” me, me, me, more my genitals. That’s basically how a narcissist does it. Good lord anyway, and so you know, the, the kid will have done something amazing, and the parent will try to take credit for it, which is really annoying. And they don’t ever give credit to the kid. They’re never like, “I’m so proud of my son, I’m so proud of my daughter, they’ve worked so hard for this”, you know, this is all them, they never, you know, give them credit for what they have done. They try to take the credit themselves, blaming others for any problems you may have that may actually stem from their own behavior. So, for example, kids start acting out, right, because when we’re with a crazy parent or two, then we start acting out we do, we start you know, having anxiety, we start having depression, we start having failure in school, you know, we start having all of these behavioral issues because we’re dealing with crap at home. And so instead of a healthy parent going, “Holy cow, we got to fix this. Let’s get into therapy. Let’s get it better. Let’s make it right.” They will blame the school system. They’ll blame the neighbors, they’ll blame who you’re hanging out with. They’ll blame you. They’ll blame, you know, everybody and their dog, except for them. So, a great example of that is in my book. What’s wrong with your dad? My dad, I was in therapy. And I was in therapy because my dad was crazy. Let’s just brass tacks here. He was crazy. He was cuckoo for cocoa puffs. There’s no nice way to say it. So, he was crazy. And I was in therapy because I was having anxiety. I was having depression, I was having behavioral issues. I was having all these suicidal thoughts, the whole thing because you know, teenager living at home with a narcissistic parent is not a good thing. So, when he found out I was in therapy, rather than being concerned and going “Good for you, I’m glad you’re getting help. That’s great!  because he knew he was the problem. They know people, let’s not kid ourselves here. They know. They know. Do not kid yourself. They know. He knew he was the problem. And he didn’t want his part of it to be exposed. So, he made sure I couldn’t go to therapy. He yanked the funding for it and threatened me threatened my mom threatened everybody and their dog, you know. So, that’s what they do because they don’t want the kids to get help and they don’t take responsibility for why the kid is acting out why does the kid have depression? Let me just clue you into something it is not normal for a teenager in a healthy family to have anxiety, depression, OCD, suicidal thoughts, obviously Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Hello? You know I mean it’s not normal that is not normal and they those kind of parents don’t ever want the kids to get help or get therapy because they’re part of it is going to be exposed and so they’ll blame everybody they’ll blame anybody they can except themselves so um let’s see blaming others being well liked and important to others but controlling and harsh when no one was around so parental units that are narcissistic very much into the

Kris Godinez  05:47

other approval so they need that social approval so there’ll be pillars of the community right? They will go socialize they will “Oh look up to me! Respect me! I’m a pillar of the community blah blah blah..” but behind closed doors, you know, and they’re giving all of this stuff to total strangers they’ll help total strangers kids they’ll give you know scholarships to total strangers kids, but with their own children “Oh you need to work for that! You don’t deserve a scholarship! You, you’re not smart enough you’re dadadadada. I mean, they’re horrible, horrible, horrible human beings! Horrible! So, they will treat total strangers in the community wonderfully, they’ll give scholarships to them, they’ll encourage them to go to college and better themselves but their own family? “How dare you! How dare you! You’re not smart enough! You can’t do that! You dadadada!” Middle finger to those parents. Okay, so um, alright, so there’s that hang on. Um, they make you feel bad for not doing what they want immediately. And I used to say this all the time with my dad when he said “Jump!” if you didn’t ask “How high?” you were going to get an ass beating. You really were. So, it’s very much a “Comply with me right now!” There’s no waiting. There’s no nothing. I’m not talking about your typical teenager who’s like, okay, five minutes, you know? It’s like, irrational wanting it complied with, right this Mother clucking Second, you know, I mean, just crazy. So, it’s like they want immediate compliance with whatever they’ve asked for right then right now, “How dare you not jump and ask how high!” you know, that kind of thing. I’m getting a little pissed off about this. Well, it’s because I grew up with it. You know, I know what it’s like to have a narcissistic parent. I know what it’s like to have disordered parent and it sucks. It does. It sucks. And it leaves us feeling inadequate. It leaves us feeling incompetent. It leaves us feeling less than. it leaves us feeling crazy. It leaves us feeling outsider. We, I’ve always felt until you know my late adulthood like an outsider because we had a crazy parent that was doing all of this crazy stuff. You know? So, um, I’ll give you an example of that. I remember a friend of mine went to community college. I think it was in Yuba City. And so, some other kid said “Oh, I’m from Gridley”, and he said “Oh do you know the my last name?” And um, and he was like, “Oh, they’re crazy!” and I’m like, well not all of us thank you there’s a couple of us that have actually had therapy and understand that the patriarch is nuts so yeah, but because of the way my dad acted everybody automatically assumed everyone in the family was crazy and so you always felt like an outsider because you were always getting judged based off of what the crazy Narcissus was doing is that fair? Hell no! Hell no! So, there is that! Sorry, I just went off on a tangent. Okay making you feel guilty remember fear, obligation, guilt? By boasting about how much they have done for you. “I put a roof over your head! I put food on the table I gave you clothing, I did… I, I, I, me, me, me, more and more and more you know, it’s like they they you know they make it sound like you should be any honestly gratitude is one thing but they make it sound like you should be basically bowing down to them for doing basic needs Maslow’s hierarchy of basic needs, food, shelter, water. It’s like, come on any even moderate parent would do that. So why am I having to overly thank you for providing food when I’m a child? You know, I mean, literally that’s what they do. That’s absolutely what they do. They they make you feel guilty for the basic needs, which then causes us as children of narcissists, children of malignant borderlines to grow up feeling like oh my gosh, I don’t have a right to exist. My gosh, I’m a burden. I, raise your hand if that feels really effing familiar because it really does to me. So yeah, we grow up feeling like we’re a burden. We grow up feeling like, Oh my gosh, I you know, I don’t deserve even basic needs and I should be so grateful for just basic needs.

Kris Godinez  10:18

What the? Yeah, there’s that. Okay. So, let’s continue, shall we? So, remember fear, obligation, guilt, guilt, fear, obligation, guilt is fog. And that’s the clear sign of a toxic relationship and abusers. So okay, covert and overt act a little differently. So overt Narcissus, like my dad used intimidation. That’s how he got his way was intimidation and fear. So, his whole version of being a parent was to be intimidating and make you fearful of him. Fearful of his wrath, basically. Covert narcissists tend to use the guilt. I do all this for you, you never write you never call, how dare you blah, blah, blah, you know, they’re just like, constantly, well, maybe I can do this. It’s such a burden. You know, that kind of BS, you know what I’m saying? So, the covert ones tend to use the fear or the guilt. The overt ones tend to use the intimidation and fear, fear, obligation guilt, the covert ones also use obligation. The overt ones also use obligation, but it’s like, you know, so that’s, that’s how they do that, okay. I’m partially opinionated at home, but putting up a front for other people, so they play to their audience. So, they’re incredibly you know, inappropriate although I have to say my my dad was inappropriate no matter where he was, he did not have a filter at all. But he would play to an audience you know, he would, you know, try to socialize with them. But he was always weird. He was always just weird. But yeah, they will do that they will play to an audience just so loved by you know, when they love bomb and they figure out what it is you like, and then they level Well, they kind of do that in social situations play the communal ones. So, the if their audiences deeply religious, they’re suddenly deeply religious when at home, they’re not, you know, or if their audience is, I don’t know, interested in something, suddenly they’re interested in it, but at home, they’re not so they’re hypocrites. Just capital H hypocrites. Hello, there is that? Okay? Um, see, hold on, sorry.

Kris Godinez  12:37

Okay. Oh, ruthless and unforgiving, doing anything to be on top. So, they will compete with their own children, I have a feeling this is going to be a two parter, because I think I’m only going to have time to cover parents. And then I’m going to have to cover in laws of ex laws. I hope you guys don’t mind. So, I’ll get as far as I can. But I think next week, we’re going to continue this because we need to cover the whole thing. So ruthless, ruthless and harsh. And always in competition. So narcissistic parents are in competition with literally everybody and their dog. They have to be on top, they have to be number one, they have to be the best at everything. You know, and they even compete with their own children, and they compete with their children sexually. They compete with their children in looks, they compete with their children in academics, they compete with their children in jobs, you know, and one of the main ways that I’ve seen narcissist, really hobble and sabotage a kid is to demand that they take over the quote unquote, family business. So, in my family, I came from eight generations of lawyers, not surprisingly, eight generations of raging alcoholics and probably eight generations of frickin narcissists. So, his dad forced him to become a lawyer. He didn’t want to become a lawyer. He wanted to be an opera singer. And he would have been much happier had he gone off and been an opera singer and never had children. So, but he did what his dad wanted, because he was trying to appease his dad, he’s trying to get daddy’s approval, right? So, he became a lawyer. So, it’s interesting in my family, he didn’t do that. He suggested it to a couple of us, but because my brother wasn’t interested in being a lawyer, my sisters and I were not interested in being a lawyer. It just kind of stopped, which was good, although he did kind of push it with one of my sisters, but she just was like, no, not interested. Thank you. And of course, he was also very misogynistic. So, it wasn’t necessarily a good thing to have a female lawyer because he hated women, so, so they’re, they’re misogynistic. They also hate men. They hate everybody. I’ve seen female narcissists hate their male sons and hobble them with fear. You know, terrify them, tell them things, show them pictures of burnt children and say this is going to happen to you if you go out of the house. You know, they’ll do that. I’ve seen male narcissist tell their female children that they’re stupid and women are supposed to be barefoot and pregnant and, you know, all of these horrible tropes that misogynists have. So, what I’m trying to say is, is that narcissists can be male or female, and they do harm to each, you know, sons and daughters equally. It doesn’t matter. They are just reprehensible POS’s okay? So, there is that okay, sorry, again, tangent. All right. They’re ruthless, they have to be on top and they will literally humiliate their children, if it gets them what they want. If they can humiliate the child and somehow look good doing it, they will, they will. So that takes our self-confidence away. Okay. They make you feel anxious, and after often lowering your confidence How funny I just said that. They’re absent in your life events. So, the really important things that happen in your life, you know, graduation, weddings, babies, writing a book, you know, whatever, they just won’t be there for it because they can’t win because you outdid them. So, their whole thing is, if they can’t be number one, then they just won’t show up. And they’ll just pretend it didn’t happen. You know, so that Yeah, and they’ll do that. And they’ll get incredibly jealous if you if you get a degree higher than they did. You know, I love my mom. I do. But she had issues. God loved her. She had issues when I graduated from college. She never got her college degree. She only got her high school degree. She never graduated from college. So, when I graduated from college, she was on a tear that day, she did everything she could to ruin my graduation, she started an argument with me, she, okay, check this out. She told me I couldn’t swear. Y’all know me, right? We’ve met, right? You’ve lived with me for the last 18 effing years, right? Yeah. Prior to my sponsor, I would be swearing up a blue streak, because that’s how I talk with a sponsor can’t do that, unfortunately. But, but she decided to pick that particular topic to start going after me. And what I realized in that moment was she was jealous. She was jealous because I had achieved a college degree. Which is why when I went to go get my master’s, I didn’t didn’t even tell her I was in the master’s program. I literally waited until about a week before I graduated, and said, Hey, by the way, I’m in the program, and I’m graduating this week, you’re more than welcome to come down.

Kris Godinez  17:33

And by that time, of course, dad had passed and she had been working on herself. So, things were a lot better. But the point being is, is it they they’ve got issues that they haven’t dealt with, they’re not dealing with their you know. And so yeah, they will try to ruin graduations, weddings, birthings, book, signings, books, you know, whatever, because it’s not about them, it’s not about them. This is also why they ruin holidays, because the holidays ultimately are not about them. The holidays are ultimately about either the holiday or the people around you. And they can’t stand that they have to be the center of attention. Now, if they can be the center of attention, they may behave okay. But more than likely not. There wasn’t a, there wasn’t a holiday that I went to, that my father didn’t end up either hitting me. I don’t know why sometimes I didn’t even say anything. He just said it was the look on my face, which excuse me for having an expressive face. You know, or I said something that he didn’t like, or he just decided he wanted to create drama. That’s what they do. They cannot stand peace and quiet. They cannot stand calm, they cannot stand loving, kind. Wonderful, good stuff. So, in answer to your question, my mom and I worked on it. When dad died, I immediately handed her every single book, I tell you guys to work to work. And she started reading them. And we had multiple talks. And we started working it through. And somebody recently asked me a question on forgiveness. And my sister and I were talking about this last night, the concept of forgiveness. So, the thing of it is, is you don’t have to forgive you don’t I think that’s a mistake that a lot of people and especially religious people shove on to survivors of abuse. And they go, Oh, you have to forgive? No, you don’t know. You don’t. And forgiveness is not about the other person. Forgiveness is about you coming to acceptance with what happened and understanding that it had nothing to do with you. It had nothing. I forgive myself. Oh, my. Yeah, it had nothing to do with you. It was about them. They were the crazy ones. We were reacting to crazy. And so we have to forgive ourselves and let them go. Let karma deal with them. That’s not our job. We don’t have to do anything because they’re going to get their own at some point. That’s what I believe. You can believe whatever you want. So, the nature of forgiveness is not about the other person. It is about us. It’s forgiving ourselves. It’s understanding the situation, and it’s not doing. So, Pema children talks about compassion versus idiot compassion. So, compassion, which is forgiveness, if you think about it, from a Buddhist point of view, is understanding why the person behaved the way they did. What happened, what where did this behavior come from what happened? Okay, I get it, and you get to be crazy town over there, I’m going to sane town, thank you very much, funkytown, maybe I don’t know, it’s gotten better beat, you know. So, it’s like, you get to go be crazy over there. I’m going to go live happily over here in funkytown, because I’m not playing. So that’s understanding why they are the way they are. But also choosing not to have them in your life, because you can’t fix them because you did not break them. You didn’t break them, you cannot fix them, only they can fix them, and nine times out of 10 they don’t want to fix themselves. So, um, any compassion, though, is where we go, oh, and we feel sorry for them. And the codependency kicks in, and oh, I need to fix you, I need to make you whole I need to I need to make you Okay, so I’m okay. Uh, uh! Wrong. Incorrect response, do not do that, that’s just going to mess you up. So, idiot compassion is where you decide that yes, you see why they are the way they are. But then it’s your job to fix them in that you have to have them in your life so that you can fix them. Don’t do it don’t don’t do it Frenchie, you’re not going to like it, it’s not going to be pretty it just will never end well ever. So, there is that! Sorry, I really am on a tangent. Okay, um, they make you engage in sports or other activities, despite your wishes. How many times have I had teenagers when I used to work with teens that would sit on my couch and go, I don’t want to play football. I like soccer, or I don’t like soccer. I like basketball or I don’t like basketball. I like baseball. But because the parent, the narcissistic parent liked that particular sport. They insist that their child go engage in that particular sport, and they can relive their golden days or whatever. So, it’s

Kris Godinez  22:26

your play into the kids strength. You know, if a kid is not interested in academia, then don’t have them do college that’s setting them up for failure. If they’re not good at school, they don’t like school, they don’t want to go and I don’t mean like high school or lower. I mean, like, once they’re done with high school, if they don’t want to continue on, don’t make them, you know, if they’re more mechanically inclined, help them get successful in that area. There’s their strength, play to that strength, give them something that they can use the rest of their lives, trust me, they’re not going to be using algebra. I have never once used algebra. I’m 56 years old, I have never used algebra. Take that math teachers. You know, I just I don’t use algebra. Some people do. And that’s great. And if you love math, God bless ya! I hate math. I don’t use algebra. I don’t. My big thing is history and English and things like that play to the strengths, guys. Play to the strengths. It just drives me crazy. When parents forced her kids, like my grandfather forced my dad to become a lawyer. He didn’t want to be a lawyer. You know, don’t force your kids to be something they don’t want to be or to play a sport they don’t want to play. Find out what interests them. But again, Narcissus don’t do that. Because that’s out of the wheel house. They don’t care what other people want or need. They only care about their wants and needs. And then that tells the kid “Oh, I guess what I want doesn’t matter.” Which is a self-esteem issue, which really all of this boils down to a self-esteem issue that they give us. Okay, I’ve got five minutes before I’m taking questions. Yeah, I’m gonna have to break this up, guys. I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize I was gonna go off on so many tangents. It’s probably because I’m up here visiting family. Okay, making you engage in sports, failing to provide warmth and emotional nurturance in the relationships. My dad was cold, absolutely cold. And if he wasn’t cold, he was sexually inappropriate. It was like, literally hot, faucet, cold faucet. So, there was no natural paternal dad kind of feelings from him. I never felt safe with him. I never felt loved. I never felt you know, like, I could be alone with him. I never you know, I did feel that with my mom, but I did not feel that with my dad. So, um, yeah, they don’t have that empathy cog going they don’t have that natural warmth, you know, like when you’re a mom or an aunt or whatever. And you see a little thing like Okay, so my sister apparently got a tortoise. She’s taking care of for her son, my nephew. And so she was showing me the tortoise. Oh, it is, you know, you get that maternal instinct or you get that, you know, paternal instinct or you get that parenting instinct wanting to keep little things safe, you know. But Narcissus don’t have that they will intentionally put their children in dangerous situations. My dad did it all the time. My sister and I were talking about this last night. So, like, they went to Hawaii. This is long before I was born. And Terry was 12 when her mom and my dad got together, okay, because Terry’s, my my stepsister. Although she’s my sister screw that noise. She’s my sister. So, dad drove them out on an area of a base that was doing live wargames. And he wouldn’t turn around. And both my sister and my mom were screaming at him to turn around, and he wouldn’t do it. Until finally the MP showed up and forced him to turn around and I’m just like, you’re a special kind of stupid, aren’t you? And then with me, he would put me in the car and he would play chicken all the time. driving to school, he would play chicken and he would do it on purpose. And he would look for my reaction. Because he enjoyed scaring the living crap out of me. He was an evil, evil man. So anybody who does that is just and Narcissus do that all the time. They put their children in dangerous situations all the time, on purpose. So there that is, okay. Using you to gain personal gain. Yeah, they use kids all the time. Jeezus God. I love Wil Wheaton. Holy cow. So if you read up on Wil Wheaton, his posts that he puts on Facebook, you should if you haven’t, you should, because he started really talking about what it was like to be raised by narcissistic or abusive parents.

Kris Godinez  26:49

And, um, he was, you know, talking about how he was just a moneymaker for them. You know, they didn’t care about his wants or needs. And it was just Money, money, money, money, money, how can I fulfill, you know, the mom’s need to have been an actress and she wasn’t so she’s gonna live through her son. I mean, he really does an amazing blog. So, if you have not read his blog, I strongly suggest you read it. You get a lot. I was reading it. And I’m like, Oh, I recognize that. Okay, a little triggered. But this is good, because that lets me know that we’re not alone. Okay. This is great, because other people have been through that. I mean, you still have to come from that inner child every once in a while and kind of go Yeah, you’re not alone. Yeah, this has happened to other people. Yeah, this is exactly what I went through as a kid. So, Wil Wheaton is great. Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. He was on Star Trek. He was awesome. So, um, alright. Can you explain the hoovering season? Okay, yeah, I’ll get to that in just a minute. I’m running at a time. Okay, let me finish this one article and then we will dive into the questions. I’m being bothered and annoyed when you need time and attention. How many times did I come home from school? Now actually, I think it only happened twice because after the second time I was like, oh, dad doesn’t like me. Okay. And I said Dad, something happened at school and I need your help. “Go away kid. I’m busy. I’m I’m watching the news. I don’t have time for you.” Literally. Great. So, what does that tell me? I don’t have time for you. You’re not important your problems are not important. Second up deal with it on your own. So again, self-esteem, self-esteem, self-esteem, self-esteem, self-esteem. It’s all self-esteem. It destroys the child’s self-esteem which is why I keep saying when we are healing from a narcissistic parent you must, you must, you must, you must, you must, get to work on the self-esteem, Self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. You’re a badass by Jensen, Sincero or any self-esteem workbook, start working it because the Narcissus whole goal in life, and I’ve said it before, I’m gonna say it again; They want us dead. They want us dead. They want us dead, either emotionally, spiritually, physically, or otherwise, they want us dead. And so, the best way to do that is to start eroding the kid’s self-esteem because what do most of us do when we come out of an abusive relationship with a parent? We turn to drugs and alcohol. Hi, my name is Kris Godinez. I’m an alcoholic. Yeah, we do that we turn to drugs and alcohol. Why? Because we’re trying to numb the nastiness that got shoved into our head that becomes our internal critic and every single nasty thing that I’ve ever thought literally has come from my dad. I can guarantee it, I can hear it. You know all of those thoughts were my dad’s stuff that he told me so how we speak to our children is becomes their internal voice if we’re kind and and, and encouraging and, you know, supportive etc, that becomes your internal cheerleader. If we’re mean and vicious and nasty and cruel and awful, that becomes the internal critic, how we speak to our children becomes their internal voice. I cannot stress that enough. So, there is that I’m sorry. I know one more thing, and I swear we’ll get to the questions. Okay.

Kris Godinez  30:17

Um, making poor excuses to limit time together. Yeah, they do that, oh, I’ve got to go to work. You know, I’ve got to go clean the garage. I’ve got you know, whatever. Displaying sudden mood changes, volatile anger. Absolutely. They do that, my dad could be fine one second. And if you said the wrong thing, or apparently if you looked at him the wrong way. He would flip on a dime, and he would become physically violent. He scared the hell out and he had hands the size of frying pans. He was six foot five, former Marine, scary as hell and his anger was deep. It wasn’t just about me, because I’m clear. I didn’t do anything. I was a kid. He hated his mother. He hated his father. You know, and so he took it out on the kids Great. Good parenting there Pops. So um, okay, so here are the nine common traits of adult children who grew up with narcissistic parents indecision. second guessing, we don’t trust our gut. We don’t and we are analysis paralysis. Well, if I do this, then this will if I do that, then maybe that and oh, gosh, if I do that, will they be upset? Oh, so we get indecisive because we’re trying to stay safe. And we’re trying to not get hit. And we’re trying not to get screamed at. And we’re trying not, to fill in the blank. So in decisiveness, not trusting our gut, not you know, always second guessing ourselves. And the reason it is is because who gets punished when they see the pink elephant taking a doodoo in the corner of the living room, the kid who sees the pink elephant taking a doodoo in the corner of the living room. So we’ve learned really quickly to shut off the intuition. We learn really quickly not to listen to our gut instinct we do just to try to stay safe. So we get very indecisive, we don’t trust our gut. So one of the main things we need to do is to re learn how to trust our gut. So again, self-esteem boundaries, disease to please Harry breaker, self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, and and of course, you know, you start off small, you know, do I like this? Do I like that? You start with things you already know the answer to and then start feeling how that feels. And then you take that out into things that you don’t know the answer to. So okay, hang on. internalized gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation. It sows the seed of doubts in the targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception and judgment. And that’s what we do to ourselves, we start, you know, I don’t have anything to offer. I have no talents. You know, I’m not good enough. You know, so we start doing we start abusing ourselves with everything that they’ve told us. I think I talked about that. Feeling guilty for not being loyal to the abusive parent when we start therapy. Oh, my God. So recently, I was working with someone and they couldn’t even verbalize that they were angry at the parent, because it wasn’t okay, it wasn’t safe. So, we kind of danced around, and finally got them to be able to actually verbalize what it was like, literally, I handed throat stopping them. So, there was so much fear, there was so much guilt, there was so much obligation, it wasn’t even okay to say I am angry that I was treated this way by mom or dad, or both, or whatever. So, this is why writing and burning letters is so important. You need to get your, your voice back. You need to get your voice back. You need to be able to say yes, this happened to me. And what I will often do is have clients write it out from the beginning, because they’ll question well, I don’t know. Did that really happen? Stop. Take a deep breath. Ask your gut. Did your dad hit you? Well, yeah, he did. Okay, why are you questioning it? Because it’s not okay to say out loud. Yes, it is, honey. Yes, it is. Let’s do some mirror work. Hi. Good to see you. Have a great day. You know what? It’s okay for me to tell the truth. It’s okay for me to say what happened to me. Start small. And yes, it’s going to be triggering. So yeah, so there is that? Okay, I promise I’m going to get to questions. I promise. I promise. Okay. And they make us feel guilty. They make us feel like we’re being disloyal. I’ve heard that. Oh, we don’t share our dirty laundry. We don’t we don’t air our dirty laundry. Well don’t make dirty laundry and I won’t freakin have to clean it. You know, so that was that was something that was said to me when I went to therapy was you can’t tell them what’s going on. Why do you think I’m in therapy? You dummy!

Kris Godinez  34:45

Anyway, there’s that Okay, hold on. I’m trying to take a drink of water and then I’m like, this. I’m okay. So, okay. No focus on our needs. We do not focus on ourselves we don’t and this is why self-care is so hard for so many of us we don’t take good care of ourselves because if we do we feel selfish. Why? Because when we did take care of ourselves our abusers would tell us that we were selfish, “How dare you?” Like for example, kid gets a job kid’s, kid’s working their way through high school gets job makes money parent demands they give them all the money or the kid goes and buys something nice for themselves the parent throws a fit. Why didn’t you buy me something! I fed you! I clothed you! I…” you know, whatever their bs is. So that’s what they do. So, it’s like when we start trying to take care of ourselves they make sure that we feel guilty for it so this is why self-care is so hugely important and this is why it’s kind of an act of rebellion. That’s the way I like to look at it. So, when my clients are having a hard time with it, I’m like, Okay, thank you. I’m like okay, let’s look at it like an act of rebellion. How would you like to give the middle finger to both of your parents Here you go, go do something nice for yourself go get a massage go to therapy, go to the gym, go for a walk, write a poem do something that they told you you couldn’t do. One time I decided to backpack across Europe and I went into East Germany The last thing they said was don’t go to a communist country I’m like watch this no and I did and that’s partly how I got my sense of safety back by going somewhere slightly not safe but you know, with other people it was fine. It was also 1986 so it was fine So anyway, the point being is is that you do the things that they were always like Oh don’t you dare you know where are you How dare you How dare you do this for yourself? Yeah dare I I dare you to dare go do things for you it’s okay so that’s going to be part of mirror work too. Okay. All right. There’s that! Sorry guys. I just oh so much so much so much Echoists we become echoes of our self we do chronic self-blame for everything we take responsibility for things that are not even our fault like my dad again would do the whole there are starving children in China and India and if you don’t eat everything on your plate It’s all your fault and then he would call me fat you know what I’m saying? So, I’m sure you do because I bet that happen to a lot of you remember they like to use food as a manipulation as well. So yes, he was absolutely not a nice I use the term man loosely. So yeah, so they would do the whole Oh, it’s your fault and so then I started feeling guilty like I didn’t feel guilty enough plus all the religious stuff he was throwing at me for the children in India and the children in China and then I started trying to research how I could help and how I could do you know, because that’s what we do. And then we start feeling guilty for even having a nice life How dare I live in a country where there’s freedom and I have plenty of food you know, so they make us feel guilty for having nice things that are basic needs Maslow’s Hierarchy Hello. You know, they’re just they’re horrible, reprehensible I would use the term human but I don’t think they are okay they cause us to be incredibly insecure. Incredibly insecure. So, like you fear of abandonment fear of being left fear of everything, you know, they you know, fear of not being good enough fear of the unknown fear of just fear, you know, so they cause us to be incredibly, incredibly insecure and so causes insecure attachments. So, any anxiety Yeah, anxiety is a bitch Absolutely. It is horrible. I started developing like kind of OCD stuff you know, because it’s like I was trying to magic think my way out of it. So, I would, you know, wash my hands frequently and I would cross over the threshold on a certain foot and you know, praying constantly for salvation while I was praying for salvation from my father, not from Satan. Well, one in the same never seen in the same room together. There you go. Anyway, point being all right. I’m sorry. I’m gonna get to the questions. I swear to God.

Kris Godinez  39:14

We constantly focus on other people’s happiness. We constantly are doing codependent thing. We’re constantly trying to make sure everybody else is okay. Meanwhile, we’re about ready to keel over because we haven’t taken care of ourselves. We’re always on edge. We’re always on edge, we’ve got anxiety, depression, etc, etc, etc. Okay, so quickly in this article, how to deal with it. So, you got to realize what’s happening, you’re never going to win, you are never going to win. You are never going to change them. They are never going to get better. This you cannot fix them because you did not break them. So, you’ve got to accept it. And you’ve got to let them go because honestly, are you better off with them? Or without them and this is the question I always ask people if you are not related to them Would you have anything to do with them? And if the answer is no, act accordingly. And that’s hard for a lot of us because when we the idea of letting go of a parent, even a dysfunctional, abusive parent, remember, as little kids, our whole well-being depends on an adult. chronological, obviously, in this case because they’re children themselves, but on an adult, making sure we’re safe. So the idea of letting go of even an abusive parent is terrifying to the inner child, inner child workbook, Katherine Taylor, get it, work it, read it, do it, because you’ve got to get that inner child strong enough and safe enough to understand you’re the parent now, and that we have to let go of this abusive person in order to be okay, this show is going to go long. I think I really apologize because there’s just so much I forgot how much there was going to be. You’ve got to resist gaslighting attempts, you’ve got to resist the guilt tripping attempts, you’ve got to resist the manipulation attempts because they’re going to when they realize that they’re not getting their way they’re going to manipulate they’re going to guilt, fear, obligation, guilt, they’re going to get angry, they’re going to get the Flying Monkeys to come after you to try to get you to do their will etc, etc, etc. Um, okay, you’ve got to take care of yourself. You’ve got to forgive yourself, get therapy, honest to God, a trauma therapist, this has been traumatic, getting rid of an abusive parent is traumatic, they oftentimes will do the I’m sick Hoover or they will do the I’m dying Hoover, especially older ones. So you can’t fall for that. Or they’ll dangle the inheritance in front of you. Oh, well, you know, you just stick around you’re getting No you’re not. And it’s not worth it. There is no amount of money that is worth that kind of craziness. None zero Zilch not even the kind of money that Jeff Bezo has. No, thank you. I would rather be a hermit alone on a beach with a dog. That’d be perfect. Well, John, obviously, but you know, it’s like no, there’s not enough money to to put up with that kind of crazy. Okay, you’ve got to start developing your self worth. Which is why I love the self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, because there’s a whole section on what are you worth what is your worth? What do you know your worth? Do you know your worth? You know Do you understand that you are worthy Do you understand that you have worth and it’s a really good book that’s why I like it. So, you’ve got to develop your self-esteem understanding your worth valuing your worth valuing who you are, etc etc. asserting your boundaries disease please Harry breaker, you’ve got to assert your boundaries you cannot have weak boundaries with these people. They don’t understand the word No, they don’t respect the word no. So, on your list of deal breakers that’s got to be one of your deal breakers if they disrespect you if they don’t respect the word no, if they keep trying to manipulate to get their way if they keep trying to Gaslight if they keep trying to guilt trip if they keep trying those are all deal breakers guys. deal breakers big time Okay, hold on. Um okay

Kris Godinez  43:14

there’s some things on this article that I don’t agree with. So, I’m just not even mentioning the ones I don’t agree with. Um, so you know that narcissists are predictable, they have a certain way of doing things they are they think they’re not, but they are. Once you recognize the pattern, understand that they’re going to do it again. You know, don’t be surprised when they start hoovering. Don’t be surprised when they call in the Flying Monkeys Don’t be surprised when they start guilt tripping. You know, a lot of times when I’m working with clients, especially in the beginning stages, they’re always shocked when the parent does something reprehensible. You know, like the guilt tripping or the gaslighting or the Flying Monkeys or the hoovering or whatever and I have to remind them let’s look at the pattern let’s look at the pattern this should not be a surprise to you Let’s look at the pattern so understand that there always is a pattern The biggest thing is guys walk away walk away it is not worth it. If you were not related to these people, would you in fact have anything to do with them and I suspect the answer is going to be a resounding no. So, act accordingly. Okay guys, so that’s narcissistic parents it’s no wonder it takes too long to heal from so you know, and it’s it’s not like a how do I explain this? You are going to heal it is going to happen but it’s not going to be like a one and it’s done. Okay? It’s like I’m still learning new things. I’m still on peeling the layers of the onion and I probably always will be the rest of my life and that’s fine because that’s kind of what I do. So you know, it’s it but you work on you. You cannot fix them. This is not about them. This is about you. You fix the damage that they inflicted on you. You fix The self-esteem yes it can be fixed. You fixed the attachment. Yes, it can be fixed. You fixed the boundaries. Yes, that can be fixed. You work on you. You work on the self-love you work on the self-care. Yes, that can be fixed. You start doing things for yourself. You get rid of the guilt. You write and burn letters, you go see a really good trauma therapist and you start working through all of this stuff. Okay, that seriously that is how you start fixing all of this and it’s not a it’s not a destination. It is a journey. I think that’s the best way to put it. It’s not a destination. It is a journey and you’re by no means alone. Ask Wil Wheaton. I love him. He’s amazing. I several times I posted things from his onto mine because I was like, Oh my God, my people need to hear this, you know, so it’s go check him out. He’s amazing. He’s awesome. Okay, let me hit the questions. All righty then,  when a narc parent shows off the accomplishments of a child to others, but then minimizes or trashes the accomplishments to the accomplishment to the child. Does that mean the narc is jealous? Is the pope Catholic? Yes, yes. 110% Oh my god hit the nail on the head. Yes, they are 100% jealous. They can’t stand it. They can’t stand it. So like if I ever did anything like Okay, back in the day when I did acting, and I did regional theater and things like that my dad would take credit for it. Oh, well, I taught her how to. Or if I was singing, oh, I taught her but then in private, he would trash me. He would totally trash When will you your vibrato and  and I’m just like sitting there going you have no frickin clue what you’re talking about. You know, so yeah, they do that they will absolutely and they are jealous apps of freaking like 110% Okay, I’ve gone no contact with my narcissistic alcoholic mother. Her new target is my husband, who takes care of her marital trust. Is that common? Hell? Yeah. So the thing of it is, is you’ve got to be united front. And he’s got to learn to gray rock and he’s got to learn not, you know not to deal with her not to and the other thing you can do is give it to somebody else to deal with, you know, so a lot of times what I see Narcissus do especially older ones is they’ll, they’ll hook the person by doing some sort of legal maneuver, you know, a trust a will. Power of Attorney. Some sort of inheritance dangling. So yeah, without knowing really a lot more about what’s going on. I would say get the hell out of it. Yes, it is common. Absolutely. Do narc. Parents enmesh themselves in their child’s lives, because they want to be the most important person in the child’s life. If so, how to get rid of that? Yes, they do. And that’s why we’re going to have to do Part Two we’re going to do in laws and ex laws next weekend, because that is actually one of the things I wanted to hit on. I’ll hit on it a little bit right now. So Oh, thank you. Um, so um,

Kris Godinez  48:05

so what a narcissistic parent does, they hate the spouse that takes the kid away from them. Okay, it’s like this is an old movie. I don’t know if you guys ever saw Like Water for Chocolate made me cry through the whole damn thing. But basically, it was the story of three sisters and the youngest daughter was not allowed to marry she was supposed to take care of the mother not have her own life, the other sisters could go off and do whatever they wanted. But the youngest one couldn’t. And of course she falls in love and it ends tragically and it’s an Academy Award winner. Everything tragic is always an Academy Award winner I would kill for a comedy to win that would be nice. Anyway, the point being is that they are jealous of anybody who takes the attention away from them they want somebody to manipulate and control and be their mini me and etc etc etc. So yes, they they get very enmeshed in the couple’s life and they try to manipulate holidays. They try to manipulate get togethers, weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, etc, etc, etc. You got to start drawing boundaries you got to start saying no. And dealing with in laws and ex laws is going to be really interesting because if your spouse understands what’s going on, it’s a little easier the worst thing to deal with is a spouse who not only ignores it, but kind of intentionally ignores it. Does that make sense? So, I want to talk more about that next week. So but yeah, if you’ve got a spouse that’s playing their game doesn’t see the problem refuses to acknowledge that there is an issue. Houston, you got a really big problem and there’s bigger things that we’re gonna probably have to talk about. So, if they can see it, and you can get to a good couples therapist, and they’re not narcissistic themselves. Let me be very clear with it. So, somebody sent me a thing. Just last week or sometime it was like, well, I wish you worked with people that were in the middle of an abusive relationship. And I’m like I do I just don’t do couples counseling with somebody who’s in an abusive relationship. Like as a couple, I will do individual, but I will not do couples because that that abuser does not need to know jack diddly squat, that this person is working on. So just to make that clear, so if they’re not an abuser, yes, go to couples counseling, get on the same page, come up with plans get with a trauma therapist, because this person is going to need to work on themselves. Because if their parent is a narcissist, they’re going to have some traits of. And they’re going to need to work on the self-esteem issues and the boundaries and saying no, and not feeling guilty, etc, etc, etc. all of that sort of fun stuff. Yeah. So um, yeah, we’re going to talk more about that next week, because I want to talk about in laws and ex laws and how to unenmesh yourself, basically, the best way to unenmesh yourself, get on the same page with your spouse, or spouse gets on the same page with you get into a good trauma therapist, do some couples counseling, read all the books that I recommend to gather, talk about the issues because their whole goal is to divide and conquer, divide and conquer. That’s how they do it. They do. They get in the middle of the relationship and they divide and conquer. And they’ll say they’ll say one thing to the spouse, they’ll say another thing to their kid, and they will lie, they will say whatever they need to in order to break up the couple because their whole goal is to have somebody take care of them. I’ve seen mostly narcissistic mothers do that game. So yeah, there is that. So yeah, you want to start on unenmeshing them you got to start saying no, you got to get on the same page as your spouse has to get on the same page as you go to couples trauma therapy, as long as the spouse is not narcissistic if the spouse however, sees nothing wrong. You’ve got bigger issues, and we’ll talk about that next week. Okay, I have been mass massively trolled on social media for excuse me for expressing an opinion. How dare I, how do I move past this so triggered? So, here’s basically the thing. If it’s family that’s doing this, if it’s a parent that’s doing this, you can put them onto a list where they don’t see your stuff. And over the last four years, I’ve had to do that. So, you know, if somebody a family member is, is commenting inappropriately on stuff or making you wrong for having an opinion or whatever, you just put them on the list where they don’t see your stuff and then you can individualize what they see and what they don’t see. So that is absolutely something you will have to do and with trolls, I don’t even respond to them. I just delete them. It’s like bye this is not a time or the place Thank you name calling by not the time or the place. This is not what civilized people do. Thank you very much. No thank you. You don’t give them the energy so on social media, that’s a whole other issue.

Kris Godinez  52:58

I don’t know if you guys are following what we do in the shadows on Hulu, the TV series so last was it last year or the year before Colin Robinson who’s the the the drainer, the energy, energy vampire had a troll on social media and he was engaging in this big battle and so then finally he decided to meet the troll in person because an actual troll so he just outwitted him until sunrise and then the sun hit him and he turned into stone but um, but yeah, it’s like in our society, social media has really allowed people to show you who they are. Truly, truly show you who they are. So, anyone on social media who is rude, cruel, I’ve seen a lot of that, nasty name calling damning, judgmental, downright evil. That’s really who they are. They have shown you who they are, believe them the first time and I don’t put up with it. Life’s too short. I like having fun. I love talking to people, I love talking to people I don’t know. You know, obviously I do this all the time. You know, I love dealing with people. I love it, but I will not I will not… We do not negotiate with terrorists. I do not negotiate with Narcissists and trolls tend to be Narcissists because they think they’re right. And they’re unwilling to see a different view. And anyone who’s got a different view, they call a name. And it’s like, No, that is not how civilized people behave. You can have different opinions. You know, there’s plenty of people in my life that don’t agree with things I do or say. But we have talks about it. We don’t call names and we’re still friends. So, you know, there is that. Yes, and I do love this group of people. I love you guys. You guys are so supportive of each other and you’re so kind and I just thank you for helping each other. I really appreciate it because that makes my job easy. So, thank you. Okay, so couple more questions and then I’m gonna Peace out. I think my voice is starting to go. So with a troll question you basically you move them so they can’t see your stuff if you know that they’re going to respond a certain way because it’s kind of like no this is not what this is about you know that kind of thing or you just don’t respond to it or you delete them or you defriend them if you have to so you know I was having conversation with my friend Didi last night and we were talking about you know, having to delete people because of how vicious they got and you know, I told her about you know, having to deal with public and sometimes you got people that are not stable that would just go to town and just say really scary things you know and you just kind of like okay report and not dealing with this so yeah, so yeah, so you just you just don’t you just don’t engage don’t engage you don’t get, trolls get their narcissistic supply from making you angry scared, sad, etc. Don’t give it to them. Don’t give it to them. Don’t Don’t feed the trolls Life is too short unless you have Colin Robinson around so I love the way Nadia says that to the Colin Robinson I love that show. I love it. I love it. I love it. Okay, let’s see Um, can you explain hoovering season I think I’m experiencing that okay guys. So hoovering season starts around fall probably around now Halloween all the way through to February 14. So Valentine’s Day so hoovering season is that special time of the year when narcissists make could be parents they can be romantic partners, friends, whatever decide that they want to take a walk down a Primrose walk for down the primrose path to hell a Hoover to get you back into their life. And they do it by playing on the sentimentality of this particular season. So think about Halloween How fun is Halloween I frickin love Halloween I love to see all the costumes I love to see all the little kids I love you know I love the time of year I don’t like pumpkin spice maybe it’s not pumpkin spice I don’t like I don’t like allspice that’s what I don’t like. I like the ginger and I like nutmeg all of that, it’s the allspice I don’t like anyway but I love everything else about so what Narcissus do is they play on that nostalgia they play on that old who remember when we took the that you know the trip to Cabo San Lucas or we went to San Diego or you know when we did the Halloween thing and blah blah blah blah and so they start playing up on old memories and of course the amygdala god bless it can’t tell the difference between past present future and it goes oh you know and it starts going oh that was so

Kris Godinez  57:44

fun and that was so romantic. Back when they were love bombing you not when they weren’t doing the discard so they start bringing up stuff from this time of year from October until February mid February. That takes you down memory lane that causes you to start thinking about all the good times and that’s what they want so you’ve got to, I kid you not have a list of every rotten thing they’ve ever done to you and you post that sucker somewhere where you can see it so that when your brain starts going oh remember when I’m remember when and then and then and then and holy cow oh my god you know what I’m saying? So, you want to have a list of deal breakers things that they have done to you throughout that time. Love bombing doesn’t count guys because that’s not the real them. Healthy normal people to love bomb healthy normal people don’t devalue they don’t discard they don’t say horrible things. They don’t lie to you. They don’t cheat. They don’t. So, there is that so um, so this time of year between now and February. So, they’ll bring up Halloween then Thanksgiving. What is Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving is a big family thing. Usually this is when we get the family Hoover’s. Oh well you need to come see us we haven’t seen you in years. Well there’s probably a reason you haven’t seen them in years. So, they try to do the the guilt, the guilt, the guilt, the guilt, oh well But Uncle, uncle Ted and and and Susie will be there and you want to see them and bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla you know they do that thing. So, you don’t want to fall for that and they do play on that because you like to be around people and you like other people I like other people you know in this so they’ll go oh so and so wants to see you well then you have to really stop yourself and go well so and so it can pick up the damn phone. If they want to see me they know where I am. You know so don’t fall for it. Then with Christmas again it’s kind of a it can be a romantic time of year it can also be a family time of year so you’ll have ex lovers you know that are Narcissists. You’ll have family members trying to put the guilt again onto that. New Year’s obviously romantic and then of course Valentine’s Day so yes, this whole winter’s fall winter season is when they do the the hoover Because they’re playing on memories, and they’re playing on the love bombing that they did the stuff that they did during the love bombing phase, hoping that you’re not going to remember all the rotten things they did to you remember all the rotten things they did to you seriously Write it down. Okay. I think this is probably going to be the last question about parents, how do I deal with their death when it happens. So, when I was in high school, I knew my dad was going to die. I did. And I also knew I needed to get it handled before he died. So, I got my happy butt in to counseling, of course, he stopped it. So, when I was out of the house, in college, I went to the counselor at the college. And then when I got out of college, I found another counselor. When I was in Portland, I went to my counselor up there, and we literally started working on my dad’s death. Because I told her, I said, I do not want to have a meltdown, like my dad did when his mom died. So, when my grandmother died, Momo, We called her Momo. When she died, he lost it. That is when he became super religious, and he was religious before but he went supernova on that, he became very obsessed with death, he became very depressed, he became very, you know, just lots of weird stuff. Because he never dealt with the issues with his own mom. So I worked with a therapist through all of the anger, a huge amount of anger towards my dad, huge, ginormous, you know, as we work through a lot of the anger we work through, you know, the guilt, the guilt, you know, we worked through all the mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs, all that stuff that was getting shoved into my head that was not true and was not mine. So, learning to separate, detaching, you know, and of course, that’s about the time I started studying Buddhism. So, you know, it’s really a good idea to get with a damn good therapist, trauma therapist, and start working on all of the issues that you know, you’re going to have when the abuser drops dead, and every survivor of abuse has the exact same issues. Guilt, anger, sadness, depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD. And in my case, it’s addiction. Fabulous. Thanks, Dad. You know, so it’s Yeah, so you start working on that stuff, so that when it happens, not if because everyone’s gonna die, at some point, when it happens, you are a little bit better prepared. You’re just a little bit better prepared, you’re

Kris Godinez  1:02:39

still gonna cry, you’re still gonna grieve. When my dad died, I was a lot better off than one of my other sisters was because she didn’t ever expect him to die. And she never worked on the anger, the hurt the betrayal, the you know, none of that stuff. So, when he died for me, and for my mom, it was more of a Oh, thank god that’s over. Now we can start processing the damage now we can start processing what’s left, and that’s what I helped my mom with, because she felt hugely guilty that she felt relieved that he was dead. And I was like, Don’t we all feel relieved he’s dead? Whether we, whether people are admitting it out loud or not, you know, we all feel relieved because now it’s not like that constant loose cannon? Which way do we have to jump to stay safe? What is he going to say now? Who is he going to hurt Next, you know, so there’s a sense of relief, and then you still are going to grieve? You’re going to be sad? You are I was sad that he died. I was not for him as he was. But and I talked about this in my book, what’s wrong with your dad? When we were sitting around the table, my brother had said, you know, now I’ll never get his approval. And that hurt that hit? You know, it’s like, yep, game over. We’ll never get his approval. We tried so hard, while he was alive to get his approval. And well, now we’ll never get it. And for me, it was, yeah, never gonna get it and never got it and never would have gotten it. So, I felt a little bit better about that. But I felt so sad for my brother, because he hadn’t ever worked on himself. And he’d never gotten to that point of understanding it wasn’t him. And he never understood that he would never have gotten the approval ever. No matter how long Dad lived, it never would have happened Narcissists don’t approve period. They don’t approve themselves, let alone anybody else. So you’re going to grieve. And I talked about that in the book. It’s like you know what I was sad about was if only gotten help. He had opportunities. Every single last one of my sisters and I all said Dude, come to therapy with us. And he basically gave us the middle finger and told us we were the problem, not him. You know, he had opportunity after opportunity after opportunity to get help. He didn’t get help. You know, if only he was saying, if only his parents were saying if only his dad wasn’t an alcoholic, and beat him senseless all the time. You know, if only if only if only so you kind of you’re gonna grieve a lot of the what ifs or could have been, or, you know, if only if only he was a good dad, it would have been great God, could you imagine how great it would have been to have a good dad. And you’re going to grieve that in fact, I’m kind of feeling a little tearful right now even just talking about it. So yeah, you’re gonna grieve that and you’re gonna be angry, and you’re gonna be sad, you’re gonna be hurt, and you’re going to feel the betrayal and you’re going to go through the grieving process and my dad died of a heart attack. And every year for probably the first three years because it was complicated grief, you know, that love hate thing. around his anniversary of his death, I started having heart palpitations. So the body keeps score. Bessel Vander kolk read it great book. So yeah, so just be prepared, there’s going to be stuff that’s going to happen, but you’re going to be better off getting therapy prior to them passing because then you’re kind of you’re, you’re ahead of the game, okay, and you kind of know what to expect and you know how to deal with it, you know what’s going on? So as it’s happening, you could go Oh, okay, that’s what this is, this is what I need to do. This is how I need to self-care. So anyway, guys, Whoa, that was a kind of a heavy topic to end it on. But that was a good question. So all right, and I hope this was helpful for the people that were needing stuff on how to deal with narcissistic parents. So remember, get all the books I recommend, get all the books I recommend, start reading them get with a good trauma therapist, do self-care, do the mirror work work on you? It’s okay to take care of you. You are not responsible for your narcissistic parent’s behavior. You’re not you’re not you’re not so alright, so next week, we’re going to do Part Two we’re going to do in laws and x laws. You guys be good to yourselves. Take good care of yourselves. And I will talk to you later. Bye.

Kris Godinez  1:07:01

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Chris godinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.

The post Throwback Thursday: 10-17-2021 DEALING WITH PARENTS IN LAWS AND EX LAWS appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

All right. So, diving into today, we wanted to talk about when medical is used against you. So HIPAA laws, we’re going to be talking about HIPAA laws, we’re also going to be talking about how abusers, oh, you know, abuse kind of thing. It’s like how they do, how they do what they do and why they do what they do.

So, first of all, a couple of definitions. HIPAA is the portability. So it’s the Insurance, something Insurance Portability, law. So basically what it is, it’s a privacy law. So medical records are private, they belong to the person. Now, if a child is a minor, then the parents have the right to the medical records, which is where everything gets really sticky. If you’ve got kids in therapy, because they’re going to complain about the therapists are going to use the medical records, they’re going to want to read the medical records, which is why therapists have to be very careful what they write and how they write it, you know, very broad strokes when you’re dealing with a high conflict divorce. So um, but now, what I have seen abusers do is as soon as they can they use they medical records against the kid, spouse, etc. That is illegal. Let me just say that again, because it makes me happy. It is illegal to do that. So once the kid turns 18, if they try to use those medical records against the kid, which I have seen them do So say, for example, the child or the children decide that the abuser is the abuser and doesn’t want anything to do with them. Then what they will do is they will smear campaign, smear campaign, smear campaign. Oh, well, let me give you, you know, they were in therapy, like it’s a bad thing, right? Because remember, abusers don’t like therapy. They don’t like counseling, they don’t like their secrets being exposed. And in their mind, anybody who goes to therapy is less than, and is crazy. And is this down the other? Well, the way I put it is, okay, well, if you know, there’s a problem, you don’t wait to fix it, you fix it. As soon as you know, there’s a problem. It’s like, if you had a broken leg, would you sit there and wait and let it heal wrong? No, you would go to a doctor and have it set and let it heal properly. It’s the same thing with mental health stuff. But remember, they’re cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, they don’t want any imperfection at all. And so what they’ll do is they will, they will, they will use that as fodder for their smear campaign. And they will literally send out the medical records of the spouse, of the kids of whoever they think that they can harm with this. What they don’t understand is they are now violating a law.

So if this happens to you, you have an attorney write them a cease and desist letter.

Kris Godinez  03:55

And if they continue to do it, then you hit him with a lawsuit, you know, or you hit him with a restraining order. And this goes for the adult children as well. So, once you turn 18, the parents have absolutely no right to your records, zero zip nada, they don’t get to see them. They don’t get to have them. They don’t get to release them. They don’t get to do jack diddly squat with them. The only time that anybody can do anything with your records is if you have a written release of information stating specifically Yes, this person may see my records. Yes, this person may release my records for this purpose. Okay, so of course, no narcissist on the face of the planet is going to want to sign a document saying, Oh, yes, I’m going to release these records so I can do a smear campaign or I want these records so I can do a smear campaign.

So basically, what I’m trying to say is your records are yours. The only time that they can be used as if you the parent. The kids specifically give a written release of information stating that that person has access to the records. So, if an abuser is using your medical records against you, if an abuser is trying to, you know, smear campaign this that and the other thing. Yeah, then now you got it. Now here’s the thing. Here’s the caveat, caveat. So this is why I want you guys to read this. Because when there is questions of mental sound menace, they are going to subpoena records, okay? records can be subpoenaed. So just be aware. Again, if you’re a practitioner, be aware you write your records as if you are going to have to testify in court, which means you real short, broad strokes, broad strokes, broad strokes, especially if you’re dealing with a high conflict, divorce, you don’t want anything in your notes to harm your client, you know, because they’ll use it, the attorneys will use it and trust me, some attorneys are just as abusive and narcissistic is your ex, trust me on that one. Not all, not all, thank God, but a long are, and especially the ex goes and finds those types of people because you know, like, attracts like, so. Um, okay.

All right. So they can subpoena those records. Now, if you are a therapist, a counselor, etc., you can refuse the subpoena. Judges don’t like it, I don’t recommend it. I don’t. But if there is something in there that is going to harm your client, create a situation where they’re suicidal, etc., etc., you can send a letter to the judge and go, I am not releasing these records. And here’s the reason why. However, I don’t recommend doing it. Why, again, judges tend to be narcissistic POS and they don’t like their orders not being, you know, complied with because narcissists, so you keep your notes, super short and broad strokes, okay? If you get a subpoena, you comply with it. But you also let your client know, hey, I’ve been subpoenaed. I want to let you know, you know, just so that you’re aware, and I’m going to send you and your attorney a copy. And I’m going to send them the copy and all of this stuff. So Oh, yeah.

But back to the children. So what abusers will do is they will take the medical records of the kids and send them to anybody and everybody trying to prove that the kids are crazy for not wanting to be with them. That’s illegal. So, you get a hold of an attorney, you send a cease and desist letter, and then you do either a lawsuit or you do a restraining order so that they can no longer have contact.

Kris Godinez  07:27

But yes, they will use medical against you absolutefreakinglutely. So this is why this is why they’re so dangerous. So let’s go into several other scenarios that they do. So all right, so let’s say Okay, first of all, backup definition, definition. So narcissists hate everybody. They are misanthropes, that is the word for hating everybody misanthropes. Female narcissists tend to hate males. They are misandrist. So misandrist means hatred of males. Male narcissists tend to hate females, they are misogynist, but what they all do is reaction formation. Remember, we talked about the ego defense mechanisms? So what these narcissists these abusers will do is they’ll say, you know, they’ll, they hate women, they hate men. They hate everybody. So, misandrist, misogynist, misanthropes, right? But they’ll sit there and say, Oh, I love men. Oh, I love women. Oh, I love everybody. Watch their actions because their actions speak differently. They can’t hide the actions. So the actions are physical abuse, mental abuse, you know, manipulation, control, gaslighting, rewriting history lying, hello, look to the actions and even though they’re saying pretty words, they don’t, they don’t love guys. And they will take whatever medical information you give them and use it against you.

So for example, somebody has MS. Somebody has diabetes, somebody has cancer, the narcissist will make it about them. And instead of you getting the medical attention and that you need, suddenly they have something medical going on. That’s often oh my god, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve seen that happen. So somebody will get a diagnosis. And suddenly, the same week, the spouse who is a narcissist will decide that they have something serious and they too have to go to a specialist and this that and the other thing. And then of course, the other spouse is like, wait a minute, I really do have this diagnosis. I need to be taking care of myself. And the narcissist is going oh, but I’m dying. Oh, I’ve got this. I got that. And they’re looking for a diagnosis. They’re going to doctors, their doctor shopping looking for a diagnosis to compete with the diagnosis that the spouse has I know, it’s crazy. It’s cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. And this is not a made up scenario. I’ve seen this happen. God, yeah. So you know, suddenly one spouse has got a cancer diagnosis and the other one starts going to oncologist trying to prove that they have cancer too. And then of course they don’t. But you know, that’s another story. So anyway, this is what they do.

So the other thing I’ve seen them do, and I’ve talked about this before.

Kris Godinez  10:31

And this is part of the reaction formation, the spouse will have a diagnosis, the spouse will be ill, they’ll claim that they’re learning everything they can to help the spouse. But then they’re doing the polar opposite, you know, so instead of helping the spouse with diabetes, they’re shoving sugar and alcohol and candy. And this that and the other thing is that instead of helping the spouse with MS, they’re keeping them exhausted, they’re not letting them eat healthy. They’re, you know, it’s just, it’s crazy. It’s crazy. So that’s the reaction formation. So that’s what you have to watch for. If you are still in the relationship, if you’ve got a medical condition, they will use it against you, they will use things as simple as PMS. PMDD, against the person, and they will use that as their evidence that you’re crazy. Seriously. And it’s nobody’s effing business when you’re on your period. Thank you very much. But they will do that. They will, again, smear campaigns, smear can Oh, well, she’s crazy, because you know, she’s on her period. And Baba, baba, baba, or she has PMDD. And she’s crazy and done it at it. It is like no, no. So you’ve got to be very careful of what they say and do and they will. And if they are and if you’re still in the relationship, get out, get out, because they’re going to if they’re willing to do that they’re willing to do anything. So and if they’re willing to do that to you, they’re going to do it to the kids, and they’re going to be smearing the kids with their medical information. And it’s nobody’s damn business. It isn’t. So but narcissists, of course, no boundaries, no boundaries, no boundaries, what so ever.

So also, pregnancy, okay, my dad kicked his first wife in the stomach trying to get her to miscarry because back in the 50s, abortions were not legal much like they are today. So if you think that women are not going to be abused and harmed and murdered because they’re pregnant, you are seriously mistaken. My dad did that he was an attorney. He considered himself a good Christian. He was, you know, oh, you know, I’m this wonderful person. I go to church five times a week. Oh, yeah. Did you tell them that you kicked your first wife in the stomach trying to get her to miscarry? You know, I mean, this is what they do, guys. This is what narcissists do. They don’t have common decency. They want what they want. When they want it, they want it now. And they will abuse they will harm they will hurt. They will do whatever. So, my sister Nancy and I were talking about this last time I was in Santa Barbara, and she and I were talking about how dad did this with both of her pregnancies, not my sister’s pregnancies. But the moms pregnancy Nancy’s mom’s pregnancies, trying to get her to abort. So yeah, it’s just crazy. And I believe her. I believe her because my dad was violent. And my dad was violent with me and my sisters. And he tried to be violent with my mom, she put her foot down, thank God. But you know what I’m saying? So they are violent, they are misogynistic. They are misandrists. So if they’re female, they’re misanthropes. They literally hate every body, and someone who goes to you.

So let’s look, let’s look at the flip side of that. So let’s say that you’re on the receiving end, you’re listening to the smear campaign, and somebody is telling you somebody else’s medical issues, right then and there, you need to say stop, and I mean it. I’m not interested in hearing it. Thank you very much. And they may continue to try to go on because that’s usually what abusers do, stop. And I mean, it I’m not interested, it’s none of my business. I don’t want to know what their medical stuff is. I don’t care. And if more people did that, then there’d be less of this using of medical stuff in the smear campaigns, but that’s what they do.

So they also look for ways to gain sympathy through your issue. So say, for example, you have cancer, they will start playing the, you know, loving spouse, again, they’re doing this for show, and, you know, oh, we you know, we need to do a fundraiser and this, that and the other thing we need to get money for the medical bills, and yet they’re the ones that are squirreling away the money and not using it on the medical bills, or they’re the ones that are getting all the sympathy and getting all the attention. Meanwhile, the spouse is having to still take care of the kids and still, you know, take care of themselves and try to survive cancer and try to do this and try to do that and this person again, you’re dealing with communal narcissist, you’re dealing with somebody He puts this front on to everybody about how wonderful they are and how good they are and what good little Christians they are. And this, that, and the other thing, and as soon as the doors closed behind closed doors is all of this horrificness going on. And this is what happens. You know, if somebody is in an abusive relationship, and they’ve got a medical condition, please check up on them. Please get them alone if you can, because here’s the thing. narcissists use this opportunity to completely isolate their target of abuse. Because Okay, they’ve got a medical condition. Oh, no, you can’t come over. Oh, no, they need to be isolated. Oh, no, they, you know, the immune systems down, they can’t have anybody around. I’m calling BS on that. So if you know somebody that has got a medical condition and they are in a relationship with a narcissist, please check on them, please make a way to go find and see them, and get them alone and talk to them and see how they’re doing. Because this is the grand opportunity for narcissists to get their target of abuse completely isolated, completely alone, and completely abused.

So that it’s just ah, that they know no bounds.

Kris Godinez  16:07

There is no, what’s the word I’m looking for? They have no sense of a moral compass. They have no sense of kindness or concern or sort of okay, for if it’s not about them, it makes them angry, and they will get angry at the spouse or the child who has medical condition because how dare they take the finances away from them, the narcissist, right? How dare they take the attention off of them, the narcissist, how dare they take the whatever, you know, the affection or the concern or whatever of the spouse off of them.

So remember, when we were talking about kids, they get angry when somebody has a child because now the spouse is spending time with the child and they will demand that they don’t. It’s the same thing if the kid has a medical condition, they get angry that the good mom, the good dad is spending time with the sick child trying to heal them, and not spending time with the narcissist. So if that’s going on, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, it’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse. And if they’re willing to use medical stuff against you, they’re willing to use anything against you seriously, because and that’s the other thing. narcissists are stupid, let’s just be very clear. They don’t understand the law. They don’t read the law

Well, unless their lawyer judge, and quite a few of them are. But they don’t understand the law. They don’t read the law, they don’t get the law. And so they oftentimes will do things to their own detriment, not realizing that they’re illegal. So when they do things like that, you don’t warn them, you just send them the cease and desist. And you then you hit them with a restraining order, because they have no business using private medical records, even when the child is you know, a child, but they’re 18. They’re now legally adults. So if they’re legally adults, they don’t get the records. They will try, they will try to use anything and everything against you. They will try to use any medical condition to isolate you. They will try to use anything especially mental. Okay, let’s say that you’re going to a therapist. Right? Okay, let’s say that they’re not, you know, releasing the medical records, but let’s say that they’re telling everybody and their dog that you’re seeing a therapist, okay. Do you want to know a way to handle that? If you’re not still with them, again, a cease and desist letter, because it’s nobody’s business. And that is a violation of HIPAA because it’s nobody’s business. And secondly, you just be proud of it. Yeah, I’m seeing a therapist because I’m smart enough to know when I need help. Un like some people. You know what I’m saying? So yeah, it’s like, sticks and stones, Mofo. You know, if you don’t freak out about it, they got nothing. They got nothing. And so when you’re dealing with somebody who’s trying to humiliate you for taking care of yourself? Yeah, I’m taking care of myself. Yeah, seeing a therapist and enjoying it. You know what I mean?

They’re just so they will claim that, you know, because somebody has some medical condition that that inhibits their ability to think clearly. Very few medical conditions. PMDD Okay. Are there mood swings? Yes, PMS are the mood swings. Yeah, I used to joke throw chocolate and a raw steak in the room and back out slowly. Because the hormones would do crazy things. But that doesn’t make you irrational. It makes you kind of mood swingy, but that doesn’t necessarily make you irrational. It means that you’ve got hormones raging So but of course, they don’t understand that they don’t bother to research it. They don’t bother to understand medical conditions and so they try to humiliate you for having a normal condition of Being a female, or if it’s a man with diabetes, or a man with cancer or man with MS, or whatever they try to humiliate you for having a medical condition. And what you do is just kind of like, yeah, I’ve got it and no, it says nothing about me, except that I’ve got this particular disease. They’re just heinous, heinous, heinous, human beings,

Kris Godinez  20:23

And so the thing that you’re wanting to watch for is them using your personal information, them trying to humiliate you for your personal information, them doing the reaction formation. So remember, that is the ego defense mechanism where they go, Oh, I love everybody. Oh, I love women. Oh, I love men, when in fact, they hate them. And their actions tell you that.

So disrespect, lying, cheating, stealing, trying to humiliate you, that tells me they don’t. Do you see where I’m going with that? But you know, they’re saying all of these pretty words that you know, make everybody go, oh, is this real? Am I crazy? Am I losing it? Are they you know, do they say they love me, but you know, they’re telling everybody about my medical stuff, or they’re trying to embarrass me for going to see a counselor or whatever.

So there is that and just remember guys, narcissists are, they operate on a very young level, maybe that of a two year old on a good day, if the wind is going in the right direction. They are vindictive, like nobody’s business, they are also very impulsive. And that is impulsivity is the hallmark of every single personality disorder, they don’t think things through, use that to your advantage, if they are using medical stuff. Okay, great. Oh, it’s like, alright, you send them a cease and desist letter. If they are doing other things that are illegal. You have your lawyer deal with it. Don’t ever call them a narcissist in the court. Don’t do it unless you’ve got your degree in therapy and counseling and psychology, etc., etc., etc. What you want to do is facts and figures. And here’s the facts. Here’s the proof.

That’s the other thing if they are using the medical records of your child who’s now an adult, or your medical records, get proof, screenshot, text, you know, screenshot the text, screenshot the emails, make sure you’re doing everything through the family. What’s it called the Family owl. It’s the one where the judges see it, and there’s no erasing it and everything like that. So basically, you make sure everything is documented. 10 ways to Sunday, don’t come on glued. When they do this, when they do this, not if they do this, when they do this, they are grasping at straws, they will grasp medical straws if they know they’re losing. So let’s say you’re in a custody battle. They’re going to go through the whole, you know, Psych, eval and this, that, the other thing, and if you’re seeing a therapist, yeah, they’re going to subpoena the records, because they’re looking for anything they can use against you. So don’t be surprised. Don’t be surprised.

Kris Godinez  23:14

And it it’s frustrating, and it’s aggravating. And it’s scary. Because you’re afraid that you know, they’re going to make the judge see you is crazy.

But here’s the thing. Keep this in mind, guys. Judges have got over 800 cases on their docket at any one time. They do not have time for the Grand Theatre that the narcissist wants. Narcissists view court cases as Grand Theater their opportunity to show the world that you’re crazy and they’re not and you’re the bad guy and they’re not. The judges don’t care, guys. Judges don’t care what they want, is they want you off their docket. They want you to agree to 50/50 and get the hell out of their court. That’s what they want. Series is a hard handle heart. Hello, I’m swearing on. Where’s my Lord of the Rings thing? On JRR Tolkien you know, it’s like they just want you out of the court. They do. They do not want you in this long drawn out case that’s, that’s going to work to your advantage. Stick to the facts, stick to the figures. Detachment is going to be your friend in all of this.

So when they start pulling out the medical stuff when they start trying to embarrass you or use it against you in court, first of all have a good attorney. And I can’t tell you the number of people that go I can’t afford an attorney. Okay, here’s, here’s the deal. If you got kids, you cannot not afford an attorney. You need to be able to be represented by somebody that understands this is kind of a thick book, understands what’s going on in the courtroom. The court is not what you think it is. This is why it’s really important for you to understand how courts go. This is why narcissists, oftentimes really screw themselves in court because they get emotional. They lie. You can’t lie when you’re on, you know, under oath that’s not a good thing. So, you know, and if you’ve got a good attorney, the good attorneys going to go back through the testimony and go caught em in  a lie, ah, caught em in a lie, caught em in a lie.  Why, and then they’re going to bring it up. Do you see where I’m going with that. That’s why you need a good attorney. You need somebody who understands the law understands the court system understands the way it goes and understands the judges just want you the hell out of there.

So what you want is to be calm, cool, collected, detached, when they start using the medical stuff against you. Water off a duck doesn’t affect you, because your attorney has got it, and is going to get them on other things when they don’t get their way, they get wound up, especially if they’ve got borderline traits on top of that. So if they’re narcissists with borderline, holy cow, they’re going to go boom and explode and act out in the court. And that’s what you want. And if you’ve got a good attorney, the good attorney is going to know exactly how to push those buttons to make them go boom. Does that make sense?

So I know it’s scary. I know it’s freaky to have somebody you know, threatening to use your medical stuff against you or bringing up the fact that you’ve been seeing a counselor. Here’s the thing healthy, sane people go see counselors to help them because they know there’s something wrong and they want to fix it. Crazy people are the ones that go Oh, no, that’s okay. I’ll just, I’ll deal with it myself. I’ll white knuckle it. Oh, no, I don’t need a therapist. Nope, I’m fine. Meanwhile, they’re leaving this wake of damage behind them, and they don’t frickin care. What they’re concerned about is what they look like.

The thing that’s the scary iffy thing, in the core cases is if you do ask for Psych evals, on the entire family, sometimes it backfires. Because if you don’t get a good therapist that understands personality disorders, and they don’t recognize a psychopath, when they see one, you may get one that doesn’t catch that the the, the abuser is the abuser, because they’re charming, because the person is inexperienced, whatever. So that is the concern.

So basically, that’s they will use it, they will use it, they absolutely will, but they legally have no right to now in a court case they do, they can subpoena the records. But if they’re sending stuff out themselves personally, and handing out your medical records, or handing out your kids medical records, no cease and desist letter, they may not do that, you do not have written permission, you know, in the kid is going to have to do that as well, the kid will, the kid is going to have to be the one to do that letter, the cease and desist letter, because they’re now legally an adult. So they have to be like, you do not have permission to use my records, you know, cease and desist, etc., etc., etc. And the attorney can draft it, etc., etc., etc. So it’s a good idea to have a good attorney and if the abusers are doing things like that, then you want a good attorney, because this basically says to me, they have no moral compass, they need to be right at all costs. They don’t care what rules or laws they’re breaking. And, you know, you need to have somebody backing you up to make sure that your medical records are safe. So there it is,

When you’re speaking to a therapist, we’re going to get to the questions in just a minute. When you are speaking to a therapist, and you know, you’re in the middle of a high conflict, divorce, let them know, your records may be subpoenaed. I just want to let you know. So keep the notes short. Thanks. You know, seriously, you know, we’re what do you do in the case of a subpoena? How detailed are your notes? What do you know, how do you how do you protect me, from my crazy spouse? So these are things you can say to a potential therapist, why not? You need to know. So and a good therapist will let you know. And what I tell people is my notes are really short. They really are. They’re like three lines of what we talked about and what we’re working on and what the plan is. That’s it. That’s all that’s all it needs to be. So yeah. So talk to them about that. So there is that. Okay. Let’s dive into the questions that I cover reaction formation. Yes, I did. So that’s when they do the opposite of what they’re really thinking and feeling. Okay, let’s go over here.

Kris Godinez  29:15

Is it common for a narc parent to use the child’s illness as a reason for abuse? Yes, absolutely. My narc mother blamed my dying brother. Oh Jeeze! For getting cancer. And then she played the victim. Absolutely. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So they do they like I said, they get angry. They get angry. When a child gets sick. They get angry when the child is taking resources away from them. So, remember to them money is literally their God. Money is literally their God and they get angry when a child’s illness starts putting a financial drain on the family. They’re more concerned about the money than they are about their child surviving or getting better or healing or anything like that. So, yeah, they will blame the kid, they will harm them, they will abuse them, they will verbally beat them.

You know, along similar lines, my dad used to tell me that it was my fault, he could never retire. Okay, I looked him when I was 17. I supported myself since I was 17. So he could retire. Anytime after that. He persisted in that magic thinking, until the day he died. I was the reason he couldn’t retire. Because he had me and of course, I was pointed out to him, Well, you’re the age old who didn’t wear condoms. So then, of course, then he would hit me and all that fun stuff. But, um, you know, it’s like they absolutely look for any excuse to play the victim to be angry at the child because it’s not, it’s not acceptable to be angry at a child for you know, having cancer. But they’ll abuse them that way. Oh, you did this to me. And I had to do that you had cancer, like it was their fault. Like the kid woke up one morning and said, Hey, I want to be dying of cancer. How about No, how about that’s ridiculous. So ya know, the abusers will absolutely punish the child for having a disease, they will punish the child for being sick. They will punish the child, you know, like, Yeah, and again, it’s because the attention is not on them. And if they can’t get the attention, then they will play the victim. They’ll either the long suffering parent or the long suffering spouse or, you know, whatever. So yeah, they absolutely will use that as an excuse to verbally abuse sometimes physically abuse because they’re about the emotional age of a two year old if that on a good day.

Question. So my mark NARC, Dad never allowed me to be sick or go see a doctor and deny that I’m ill. Okay. narcissists have got weird thinking, do remember when we talked about that a couple of weeks ago, narcissists have got very weird thinking. They don’t want a child going to see the doctor because they’re afraid of what they’re going to tell the doctor. They don’t want the kid to be like, Hey, Dad hits me. Because, you know, the good doctors ask those questions in several different ways. If they’re a good doctor if not they ignore it. And there’s a lot of bad doctors out there. So yeah, they didn’t first of all, narcissists don’t want the kids having any opportunity to tell an authority figure who by the way, doctors are state mandated to report abuse Hello. So, they don’t want them to go to the doctor and say, oh, yeah, dad, dad hits. Yeah, dad spanks me or dad takes a belt to me or mom hits me or mom spanks me. Or mom takes the belt to me because remember, abusers can be both male and female. And everything in between. So, it’s, they yeah, they’re abusers. They don’t want their kids going to an authority figure that can report doctors can report, doctors, usually if they’re good doctors, ask the questions that will ferret out if the kid is being abused. Bad doctors don’t. So that is why they probably would not allow you to go to the doctor, um, and then denying sickness.

So again, it’s a competition. And it’s an inconvenience. Oh, you’re not sick kid, Buck up, you’re fine. You don’t need a doctor, you don’t need this, meanwhile the kid’s got a bone sticking out, you know. So they don’t care. They don’t care. And they hate it when somebody can get sympathy that they can’t. And they hate it when somebody can get attention when they can’t. So, they don’t want it’s an inconvenience for them. Well, if the kid is sick, and I have to take care of them. Well, I don’t want to have to take care of it. You’re not sick, da, da, da, da, da. Yeah.

Kris Godinez  34:04

You know, my dad used to do something very similar. He would get mad at us when we got stomach flu or things like that. He was terrible caregiver. He didn’t want to be a caregiver. And so he got angry at us when we got sick. Yeah, that’s exactly what they do. Because they don’t want to be bothered. They don’t want to be bothered. And what is the point of having a child if you’re not going to take care of them? Well, Narcissists. For my dad, he didn’t have really a choice. And he, oh my God, when he got rid of his first wife, and then he married my mom. It was like the first family never existed. And then suddenly this family was everything. And so you know, he had to have kids and show that he was just as good as the ex and could marry and this that and the other thing. And it’s, but he still wasn’t a good caregiver he was terrible, he was not warm and fuzzy, he definitely was not warm and fuzzy. And he would get angry if you have showed any sign of weakness.

So for a narcissist, weakness is being sick, weakness is crying, I wasn’t allowed to cry, it took me until I was about 16 or 17, to be able to cry. And even after that I had a hard time with it. Now I cry at the drop of the hat. But it’s really they don’t want any sign of weakness, it makes them angry, because to them, that’s not perfection. And remember, everything has to be perfect. Everybody around them has to be perfect. And that means not being sick. Because in their crazy minds, if you’re sick, you’re not perfect. Isn’t that nuts? That is just nuts. But that’s what they do to kids. And so then those kids grow up. And they have a hard time asking for help. Because that’s a trauma response. We have a hard time going to the doctor, I still hate going to the doctor, I’ll go but, you know, if we if we get sick, we get angry. I do because I’m just like, damn it, I got stuff I got to do. Why am I laying in bed? What is this? And I’m clear, that’s a trauma response. That’s because of my dad, we had to be up and doing stuff. So yeah, that’s what they do. They absolutely make you wrong for being sick. It’s stupid that it’s because they can’t stand the imperfection. If you’re imperfect, that means they’re imperfect, because they don’t have boundaries. They don’t understand the separation.

How do I get other family members to believe me about the abuse I’ve been going through because of my dad? Oh, honey, you’re probably not going to get them to believe you. You’re not. So, what you got to know is: you know what you know, you know what you know. And this has been brought home to me recently because I’ve been having to go through more boxes from my mom’s estate. And there was a box of, of condolence cards on my dad’s death, right? So, I’m going through and I’m just kind of casually you know, looking to see what’s in them and things like that. And nobody, nobody in Gridley knew what my dad was like, behind closed doors. Sometimes the family members didn’t know what dad was, like, behind closed… the distant ones, not the ones that were like, right there, because we all saw but you know, so it was very, you could ask John, this I didn’t, I really need to get a new punching bag, because I really have a lot of anger about that. So you know, it’s like they’re not, they’re not going to see it. Because remember, they put on a mask, they put on a mask, and they behave differently with different people. And they behave differently with different family members. So trust your experience, trust that you know what you know. And you don’t need to convince the other family members you don’t because either they know or they don’t. And to be in that deep of denial to not see it, especially when you’re right there that speaks volumes to the level of mental health issue that is going on.

So if they were right there, and they’re denying it, and they saw it, then get the hell away from them you’re not ever going to convince them and it’s not your job. Your job is to heal you. Your job is to get CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. Do it front to back get the disease to please Harry Braiker front to back. Self-esteem workbook Glen Schiraldi, front to back, do not skip around. Do it because you’ve got to trust you. You’ve got to trust your own experiences. Because yes, they make us question. Absolutely. So I remember telling the sister I have the most problems with that, you know, Dad tried to sexually molest me out by the pool. He tried to French kiss me, right. And she literally looked me in the eye and said he never did that.

Kris Godinez  38:43

And I stopped. And I put my hand out and I went stop right there. I know what I know. He molested me back off. And she did because she wasn’t expecting that response. She was expecting me to be like, Oh, okay. So you know, when somebody is in deep denial like that, you’re not going to change their mind. You’re not, you know, and to this day, to this day, my sister is like, oh, he was perfect. And I’m just like, perfectly awful. Thank you very much. So, and of course the other family members that were there that saw it are like, oh, yeah, yeah, Kris, he was perfectly awful. You’re not wrong, you know. So you’re not going to convince the family members that don’t want to see or hear the truth. You’re just not it’s not going to happen. So you’re going to have to let that go work on yourself. Know what the you know what, you know, certainty. They love to take our certainty away from us. They do. They want us to second guess they want us to go did that really happened. And am I imagining? No, I did not imagine that that really happened. You know what I’m saying? So know what you know, don’t worry about convincing them. It’s not your job. Your job is to get you healthy and away from these bozos. Anybody that sides with the abuser is not your friend, or your real family. Let’s be clear. If they’re siding with the abuser if they’re refusing to see the truth is not your job to educate them or remind them no, your job is to go fix you heal you take care of you be certain trust your gut know that you know what, you know. There you go. So yeah, there that that hope that answers the question and you’re not alone sweetie that’s all right.

Why can’t I remember most of my childhood I know there was trauma and that’s why Okay, let’s talk about PTSD. All right, so PTSD in the DSM five is a one time event like a car accident. witnessing a robbery, being threatened with a knife or a gun or being in war, things like that complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, something happened day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day, the might had been different ways of abuse, but it was still abuse. So when we have trauma in our lives, and depending on how old we are, okay.

Kris Godinez  41:04

Little kids can’t cope with trauma that some adults can’t cope with trauma. A lot of people can’t cope with trauma, and that’s okay. You know, because it’s like, it’s so overwhelming and so traumatic and so hard to deal with. And little kids in particular, don’t have the cognitive ability to process the trauma and be able to go that’s on them. It is not me, it is them. So when little kids go through trauma, they literally kick out the information, they dissociate, they leave their body. You know, if there was sexual abuse going on, I cannot tell you the number of reports of the child saying I watched it from the corner of the room. You know, I saw what was happening to me, but I was over here watching it. So literally dissociated, literally just checking out. Nope! Peace out!

Gone. See, yeah. It’s a way of coping. It’s a coping mechanism. That is why we cannot remember a lot of our childhood, if there’s been a huge amount of trauma, and we haven’t worked on the trauma. So the big thing I would say would be, give yourself a big old hug chest, honey, you’re normal. This is what happens when we go through abuse, we don’t remember huge chunks of it. That is one of the key aspects of PTSD is that you don’t remember a lot surrounding the trauma. So, get with a good trauma therapist, get with a good trauma therapist, look into EMDR. And look into EFT. EFT is the tapping. And that helps deal with trauma. EMDR is really good, a good trauma therapist is going to be good, you start working the books, work on your triggers, part of the time when we start remembering, and it happens, you won’t remember until you feel safe. That’s just the nature of the beast, you won’t remember until you feel safe.

So when I start working with my clients, and they tell me that they can’t remember large chunks of their childhood, I warn them of that I say, look, as soon as you start feeling safe, you’re going to start remembering stuff, and it’s probably going to show up as flashbacks, it’s going to show up out of the blue in the middle of the grocery store on a Tuesday, you know, and, and it’ll happen. So just, you know, beware, you’re going to have triggers, you’re going to have emotional flashbacks, you’re going to start remembering, and it takes a long time. It does, it takes a long time to build that rapport, to get the trust going for them to start working on the self-esteem to for them to start feeling safe. And then lo and behold, the memories start trickling back. And then we deal with them as they come up.

So, I know a lot of people are like, no, no, no, no, no, I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to… No, no, no, it’s too painful. Okay, take a deep breath. Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was horrible. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. However, until you bring it to the light and you process it through, you’re always going to be driven subconsciously by that trauma. Let me say that again. Until you bring it to the light and you process it through, you’re going to be driven subconsciously by that trauma. You’re going to be making decisions that a four-year-old would make the inner child is going to be the one making decisions. You don’t want the four-year-old and your child to be making decisions. You want the adult you to be making decisions. That’s why working on the trauma is so hugely important. Is it scary? Yes. Can it be painful? Absolutely. The thing you have to remind yourself of is you survived. You’re here. You’re listening to this, this this I was going to say tape but we don’t have tape anymore. I don’t know when you’re listening to this video. So, you know you survived. It’s just memories now they cannot hurt you anymore. The memories can be painful. Absolutely. But and because it’s an and world. It cannot hurt you. It’s in the past. You are dealing with the stuff from the past, and that is going to heal your present. And it’s going to make for a better future. Trust me on that one. So you want to work through it, don’t be afraid of it. Don’t be afraid of it. Fear is what stops us. Remember I talked about that last week, fear is what stops us from getting from over here to what we want. And in between is this little tube called fear that we kind of have to run through and give the middle finger to and work on the stuff so that we can get to what we want. And what we want is freedom. What we want is to explore the world and joy and fun and happiness and liking ourselves. That’s what we want.

So yeah, the trauma. When it happens to us as little ones, we tend to dissociate, we forget, but it’s always there. It’s always there. And when you feel safe, it will come back the memories generally do come back. Not always, but generally. So it can, the triggers will always be there. So if you’re getting triggered by something and you’re like, What the hell, that’s when you really need to journal and figure out what is this about and realize you may start remembering, and it’s okay, I would rather you remember than not remember because you got to process it so that you can feel it and heal it and move forward and not be run by the subconscious.

Kris Godinez  46:14

So there is that. Okay, let’s see. Ah, okay. So yes, the reason you can’t remember is because of the dissociation that is associated with PTSD, CPTSD? Absolutely.

Okay, if those being mistreated mentions the abusers diagnosis, are we making a mistake? Targets wanting to be validated? So is there a safe way to mention their diagnosed bullies? Well, it depends on what you’re talking about. If you’re doing a legal case, no, you will. Okay. caveat, if you’ve got a good attorney, you can have the attorney subpoena their medical records. Okay. So that’s one way to do it. If they have a diagnosis, though, really, I wouldn’t, unless you’re a counselor, a therapist, PhD, whatever. I wouldn’t, you know, it’s enough how to explain? You don’t need a diagnosis to show that somebody is abusive. What you need is the behavior. They’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, that’s really all you need. You know, a diagnosis is nice. It’s it is, you know, so, yeah, I can think of one case I had where they did do a family psych eval, and it was a good evaluator, because he came back with every personality disorder in the book. And, you know, the judge took one look and was like, okay, you know, against the abuser. So, I mean, that that turned out good. But then I’ve had other ones where they completely missed it. So really, what you want is the behavior, behaviors, behaviors, behaviors, behaviors speak louder than any diagnosis ever will. You know, if there is really a diagnosis and you’re in a court battle, tell your attorney and ask them about getting the records. You know, that’s really all you can do. But if you’re just talking to people, no, just stick with what the behavior is. I mean, here’s the deal. My dad never got diagnosed ever, because he refused. Wow, what a surprise, to go get help. He hated therapists, which is so funny that I’m a therapist. He’d hate this. Anyway. Um, so he never had a diagnosis. Do I have some suspicions about what he was you? You betcha! You know, and really, it’s the behavior, the behavior, the behavior, the behavior, the behavior, the behavior, you know? And that’s, that’s all you need. That’s all you need. That’s you don’t need to have a diagnosis. You just got to look at the behavior. So remember, when you’re dealing with the court system, they want facts and figures, they want documentable behaviors, you know, so like, say, for example, they’re blowing up your phone 100 times a day. Okay. Well, that’s a crazy behavior. You got that right there. Let’s say they’re being baiting in their emails. Well, if you have the family, what the heck is that family wizard? That’s what it is family wizard, family wizard. So, if you’ve got the family wizard, okay, you’ve got proof that they’re baiting you in the emails and that they’re, you know, saying false things or lying or going back on what they said three emails ago, I’m going with that. So its behavior, its behavior, its behavior. It’s not a diagnosis, its behavior, which is funny, because then you get the diagnosis from the behavior. So you know, all right. So all right there was that.

Kris Godinez  49:43

Okay, I struggle with feeling like I have to be productive. When I don’t. I can have unrealistic expectations of things. How do I handle this? Okay. So, this is what abusers do to their kids, they make them feel worthless unless they’re doing something for them. So, it’s interesting how so many of us have the problem or the issue of being unable to relax, or being unable to just do nothing, or being unable to not be productive. That is a trauma response. That’s a trauma response. So, the best example I can give you is, my dad’s dad was an alcoholic, I come from a long line of alcoholic attorneys, what a surprise. And his dad used to beat the living crap out of him. Now, I have compassion for that. But that does not excuse my dad’s behavior. So, because my dad had a dad, that was exactly like him, right? So, dad’s dad was cuckoo, and abusive and alcoholic and beat him and everything else. My dad could never relax, we would go on vacation, he could never relax, we were up at six o’clock every morning, we were doing something we had to be reading up on whatever battleground we were going to, or we had to, if we were up in the mountains, we had to be picking up around the cabin that we were staying at and getting little twigs for the fires and things like that, he would wake up at five o’clock in the morning and use the chainsaw up there and wake the entire valley up because that’s what he did. He couldn’t relax, he couldn’t just chill out and allow people to relax. If he caught anybody reading a book or enjoying the sunshine or not working, he would give them something to do. And usually it was meaningless tasks like picking up twigs. So, it’s a learned behavior. It’s a learned behavior. So, my suggestion would be write it a good Beiler write it a resignation letter, dear busy, I quit. I resign, benefits suck. There’s no vacation time. I’m tired. I want to not do anything for an entire weekend or an entire vacation. And you know what? That is my right as a human being. So go, pound , sand. Do you see where I’m going with that? Resign, quit. It’s a trauma response. You don’t have to be productive you don’t. It’s okay to relax. It’s okay to have a vacation and do nothing or just have fun. Doesn’t have to be productive, you know. So, my suggestion would be writing a goodbye letter, journal it out, you know, put it back on the person that belongs to whoever taught you that it had to be productive. And get with a good trauma therapist and start working on it. You have the right to relax you do you have the right to be nonproductive. I mean, one of the greatest joys in life is after an entire week of working with clients. on a Saturday, I’ll just do nothing. Like nothing like read a book, like, lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. Because really, it’s 114 and I’m not going to be doing much. You know what I’m saying? It’s okay, it’s okay to not have to be productive and that’s going to be mirror work. That’s going to be another way that you’re going to work on besides doing the journaling besides writing the goodbye letter to it. Besides handing it back to the person that taught it to you. You’re going to be doing mirror work. Hi, good to see you have a great day. You know what? It’s okay for you to relax. It’s okay for you to be not productive. It’s okay for you to have a vacation. It’s all right. And then walk out now what’s going to happen is the first day that you attempt that, that inner critic is going to pop up and you’re going to continually tell it to go pound sand. You’re gonna send it on its merry way. Nope. mofo I’m not. I’m not doing anything productive today. Go pound sand. Buh bye! 10 minutes later, okay. Yeah, I hear you. I see you. I hear you. I see you. Guess what? I’m the boss. Go pound sand. Have a nice day. Goodbye. Bye. Have a nice day. Me go bad said goodbye. Bye now. Do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, that’s absolutely what you’re going to have to do. Okay, let’s see.

With Schiraldi and skipping around, I thought it was okay. If our esteem in that particular area is solid. If your esteem in that particular area is solid, yes.

Kris Godinez  54:23

However, I’ve had some clients that will swear to me up and down that their esteem is really solid in that area, and it’s not and I encourage them to do it. Anyway. You can always learn stuff about yourself always. And I would rather be thorough I would rather go front to back. You know if you’re seeing a solid and you’re really not getting anything out of it. Okay, great. But if your esteem is not solid and you find you’re getting something out of it goes straight through. So yeah, so you can always you can always learn stuff about yourself. The self-esteem workbook is not a one and done. I recommend going through it. A couple Little times, you know, and just seeing where you work because self-esteem is not a fixed point in time. So do that. Alright, let’s see. What else do we have? Oh, that’s it. We are done. All right, my love’s go have a great week and I will and it’s supposed to be 111 next Sunday, so stay cool drink plenty of water. Alright guys, I will talk to you later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.

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I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Alright, so let’s dive into today’s topic. So, today’s topic is becoming an individual. So, what stops us from becoming our full potential? What stops us from doing the things that we want to do, but we’re terrified of? So, it’s fear. So, let’s talk about family of origin and, and fear. So, when we are raised by narcissistic, you know, people, they instill their fear, they shove their fear into our heads. So, I think we’ve talked about that. So, you know, the, the fear of, you know, going out the fear of whatever.

So, in my case, when I was growing up, my mother kept shoving this fear of rape, you’re going to get raped, if you get out, go out, you’re going to get raped. So, I started being very fearful of being harmed. And funny, it was the fear. The danger was from my own father, not from you know, strangers. So, um, but the point being is she kept shoving that fear into my head, and I kept going, you know, what? No, I got angry. I really, really, really got angry. And I was like, No, I am not going to allow your fear. Because at the time, I didn’t know it her step grandfather had raped her. And I had not, I did not have that knowledge at that time. And so it made perfect sense that she was like, no, no, no, no, no, it’s not safe. No, no, no, no, no. And I’m just like, the lady, your predator is sleeping in your bed with you. So, you know, I mean, so there’s a lot of stuff. So anyway, they showed their fear into our space. And so it’s really important. Thank you, it’s really important to identify what is really your fear? And what is really somebody else’s fear? Does that make sense? So, the thing of it is, is that abusers and or traumatized people have a tendency to project so remember, we were talking about projection being one of the ego defenses.

Kris Godinez  03:05

So, they tend to project their stuff into your space and tell you that no, you this is what you believe. No, this is what you think, no, this is what you feel. No, this is what you, you know, fill in the blank. So, it’s really, really, really important to, you’ve got to really separate out, Is this really my own fear? Or is this coming from a disordered parent, or a fearful parent, or a PTSD parent that never dealt with it? I mean, mom didn’t tell me about this about her grandfather, her step grandfather, until literally, decades later, you know, and then all of a sudden, I was like, Oh, this all makes sense why you behaved this way. You know what I’m saying?

So, it’s really important to figure out what is keeping you from doing what you’ve always wanted to do. What is keeping you from individuating yourself? I don’t even know if that’s a word. I just made it up, from your family of origin or what is keeping you from separating yourself that’s a better word from your abuser, you know, because the abusers do the same thing. Think what I think feel what I feel, believe what I believe and if you don’t, I’m going to punish you. So, what is keeping what are those mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs that have been shoved into your space that are so not even yours, that have prevented you from separating from unenmeshing yourself from either the family of origin or from the abuser?

So, this is a journal assignment guys, I want you to write down what are these things? What are these fears? So, here’s the quote that I love fear is false evidence appearing real F. E. A. R. False evidence appearing real! And so abusers will tell us Oh, yeah, what I’m telling you is the truth. Oh, you know, this is? Absolutely you can’t you can’t do this.

So a great example is when I finally threw my foot down and said, You know what? No, I am not going to live my life terrified of some shadowy stranger when the threat was at home, you know what I’m saying? So, you know, I left home when I was 17, because I knew if I’d stayed, my father would have probably raped me, honestly, because he was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. So, um, and it’s all in my book. I don’t have it with me, but it’s all in my book, what’s wrong with your dad? So, you know, and I left home I got out of there, I got into college and never looked back. So, I decided that at that point, you know, I’m not going to listen to my mom who clearly was unable to protect herself, let alone any of us. And so I started confronting the fears. And I started doing the polar opposite, which probably wasn’t smart, either, to be perfectly honest, but I started doing the polar opposite to whatever she was like, Don’t you dare, don’t you dare, don’t you dare. So when I was 21, I saved up my money and I backpacked across Europe. Well, my mom had a fit, came unglued. Oh, my God, it’s not safe, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, you’ll get raped. That was her typical thing. And I went and I backpacked across Europe, and I had an absolute blast. Was it terrifying? Yes. Because I was going against everything that she had shoved into my head. Of course, my dad was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. And he was livid that I was out of his reach, and he couldn’t harm me. He couldn’t beat me. He couldn’t molest me. He couldn’t do whatever. So he was angry that I was off traveling through Europe. But what ended up happening is, is that I met some really great people. I’m pen pals to this day with a couple of them. Hello, Matt. You know, and it’s, it was freeing, it was terrifying and freeing.

So in this circle, is your comfort zone in this circle over here is where you want to get to. And in this little passageway is abject terror. So basically, you’re going to have to confront your fears. And I did. So, it’s like, I went out, I backpacked I off on my own, did my thing I went to all these different countries met all these different people had some amazing food, oh, my God. But the fear was huge. And especially when I went against the whole, you know, don’t go to a communist country. So, at the time, Germany, East Germany, West Germany, so I was like, Screw it, go into Germany. I’m going to, I’m gonna go see Berlin. Let’s, let’s see what it looks like. And I went, and I did it. And it was nerve wracking. And it was terrifying. And, of course, in my head the whole time,

Kris Godinez  07:50

I’m like, What if we get arrested? What if we get arrested? What are we going to do? I’m like, I’m not doing anything to get arrested. It’s fine. So, you know, I did that. And it was so freeing to blow up those mistaken thoughts and mistaken beliefs that my parents had shoved into my head about who I was as a human being, and what the world was, and safety.

So, it’s a matter of separating out real fear. So okay, danger is real danger is real. Clearly, you’re not going to do you know, I didn’t do anything stupid, like, you know, walk down a dark alley at two o’clock in the morning by myself. No, thank you. Nothing like that. But they were trying to make it like everything was dangerous. Everything was fearful. So, I had to literally journal it out what is a real danger? What is an imaginary fear? Fear is just a thought. Fear is just a thought. And it’s what keeps us stuck, because we start thinking that that thought is real. No, that thought is not real. Now there’s danger. And then there’s fear, which is a control mechanism that abusers use to keep us stuck. Does that make sense?

So, what I want you to do is I want you to start separating out what is real a real threat? What is what you know, what is a possibility? What is an imaginary one? And then what can you do to mitigate it? So, it’s kind of like you’re going to do a disaster report. What is the worst thing that could happen? Well, the worst thing that could have happened to me when I was traveling through Europe was okay, I could have been, I could have been physically assaulted. I could have been, you know, robbed. I could have been whatever. I did get mugged in Norway. Oh, well, but I survived. It was fine. But you know, do you see where I’m going with that? And it’s like, you just kind of, okay, well, what can you do? Okay, well, I contacted the police and I got, you know, contacted American Express and, you know, did everything I needed to do and all of that and it was fine. It was fine. So it’s kind of like do a disaster report, what is the worst thing that can happen and then start challenging it. Okay. And what can you do if this does happen? How are you going to prevent it from happening?

So, a lot of us are over thinkers which cause us to not go out and be ourselves. This is why this whole becoming an individual thing is all stopped from fear. So, it’s the fear that got shoved into our space. It’s the fear that we got trained with, it’s the fear that they used to control us. And they did that a lot to stop us to keep us from going places to keep us from finding out that they’re not all knowing or finding out that they’re wrong. Or finding out, you know, whatever. My dad was an incredibly racist, sexist. Oh, dear Lord, that that man had problems, and I use the term man loosely. So, you know, I mean, it’s, it was so freeing to go out into the world and meet people and experience the different cultures and realize dad was wrong. Dad was wrong. Dad was using this as a control, and mech and manipulation mechanism. He was using this mom was using this so that I wouldn’t leave her. So, you want to start working on what are the fears? What’s keeping, you know, here’s the comfort zone, here’s where you want to get what’s keeping you from running through this tunnel to get to where you want to get? What are the fears? What are the fears? What’s the worst thing that can happen?

So, something that somebody brought up was

Kris Godinez  11:22

Well, I’m terrified of being ridiculed or bullied. And I’m rule yeah, here. Yeah, I hear you on that one. Because that’s what our abusers do. They ridicule us, and they bully us to keep us to shut up, they want us to shut up, they don’t want us to talk. They don’t want us to think they don’t want us to do anything but be a little puppet for them to manipulate and to control. So, if the fear is I’m afraid of being bullied, okay, what can you do? Self-esteem workbook. I kid you the frick not? And I say this all the time. And everybody’s like, really? Is it that simple? Well, it’s that simple. And yet that complicated, it’s working on the self-esteem. So, this is going to be the polar opposite of codependency. This is going to be self-reliance, and not self-reliance in a CPTSD kind of way, where it’s a trauma response, where I’m not going to ask anybody for help. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this is learning that you know, what, you know, and discerning Is this fear really mine? Or is this something that got shoved into my space? And if this is a real fear, if this is a valid point, what can I do to mitigate it? What can I do to make sure that doesn’t happen?

So it’s challenging, it’s writing, you’re going to write, you’re going to write out what the fears are, and you’re going to challenge them, what’s the mitigation? What can you do to mitigate it? What can you do to make sure that doesn’t happen? And then go do so what I see happening with a lot of survivors is they’ve been so browbeaten and so bullied, and so harassed and so harmed, and so put down and so that there’s very little self-esteem there to be able to stand up and go stop and I mean it right. And second to that is Stop it. I mean, it and guess what I do know what I know, I do know, what’s up, I do see that pink elephant taking a crap in the corner of the living room.

So really, this is what’s going to help you become an individual. When I’m talking to people that have come out of an abusive relationship. One of the biggest things is Oh, my God, I’m terrified of being alone. I’m terrified of going out to lunch by myself. Everybody’s looking at me. No, they’re not. No, they’re not trust me. On that one. Everyone is so in their own heads. They’re not bothering to. It’s not high school guys. Now in high school, I would say Yeah, absolutely. They are. But once you get out of high school, no, everybody is so busy with their own lives. They’re not looking over at somebody else’s table and going, Oh, I wonder why they’re sitting alone. Oh, my God, what a loser. Bla bla bla bla, no, that is not happening. So, you’re going to have to confront that fear false evidence appearing real because that one’s a, that one’s a not real one. Trust me on that one. You know, and just be like, nobody cares that I’m having lunch by myself. Seriously, nobody does. I go out to lunch by myself all the damn time. Sometimes I go out to dinner by myself, depending on how crazy busy things are. Nobody looks, nobody cares. Nobody bothers me. I sit there and I do my stuff. And you know, eat my lunch and go home. So, you see where I’m going with that.

So, I pulled up some articles on fear. And a lot of them had some really good points. So this one is seven things you need to know about fear this is by Theo Towsides PhD. And this was written in 2015. And fear is healthy. So, there is the brain is hardwired to feel fear because it lets us know when there is danger. So, you know, there’s that you know, that little sixth sense that we get when we’re fearful of you know, something happening or that kind of thing, and it turns out to be right so that’s a real thing. But unfortunately for us, because our up Periscope, our PTSD, or CPTSD has forced us to be in hyper-alert, and we’re looking for danger when none exists. So, we have to be able to push that Periscope down and go stand down. There is nothing to be afraid of. So, what if somebody gets snarky, if I go to lunch by myself, that speaks volumes about them. And nothing about me, because healthy normal people don’t care if somebody’s having lunch by themselves. But remember, it’s that microscope that we’ve been under by our abuser, by our parents, by our romantic interest, sometimes by a boss, that causes us to be hyper-vigilant. And oh my gosh, oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, what’s going on?

Kris Godinez  15:46

What’s Oh, they’re looking at me. They’re thinking this, there’s no what other people think about us is none of our business. None of our business. If I had allowed my parents to get into my head, and really mess with me about going to Europe, I never would have gone. And like I said, I have a lifelong friend in Matthew Dibias. He’s a wonderful writer. He’s a great guy. He does a blog, he’s into sports, you know, he’s just a sweetheart. I love him to death. And he is a wonderful person that I would not have met had I not gone on that trip. Does that make sense?

So, what is real? What is not? What is theirs? What is ours? That’s what we got to start doing. So okay, hold on back to the seven things. So it is healthy in that fear is the amygdala recognizing a threat. So, remember, let’s talk about the amygdala for a second. So the amygdala, either side of the brain sits about an inch inside of each ear. So, this little guy is almond shaped. And it is I’m simplifying this. So, this is basically responsible for our fight, flight freeze or fawn response, when this guy gets triggered when a threat comes in real or imagined. This is how powerful our thoughts are. And this is why I want you guys to start mastering thought stopping. So, when we imagine something when we go, Oh, I’m in a bank. Oh, what if it gets robbed? What if I’m there and somebody’s I can feel my heart already starting to pound. Because the amygdala is going, Oh, whew, what if that happens, Jeez, that’s not good. So, the amygdala cannot tell the difference between a real event and US daydreaming about the event. It cannot tell the difference between past present future it can’t. So, when we start presenting the amygdala with a threat, it tells the hippocampus, hypothalamus, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, we’re going to die. These two guys then tell the brain oh, we need cortisol. Cortisol is our stress hormone we start tensing up cuts off the oxygen to our lungs. Now we’re taking puffy little breaths, which is never a good thing because now the brain doesn’t have enough oxygen. So, the oxygen co2 has gone wonky. And then what happens is that tells another part of the brain a little further down on the brainstem. A little more reptilian, O M G, we are going to die. And then it’s like we need energy we got to get out of here. So, then that tells the adrenal gland that sits on top of the kidneys. dump everything now we need to get out red alert. Shields up we’re in danger. So now we’re sitting there shaking like a leaf racing, thoughts racing thoughts, racing thoughts kind of going down a rabbit hole, pounding heart pounding heart pounding heart, and all of this energy but nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide nowhere to and so now we’re left with all this overthinking, overthinking, overthinking. AND, and OR we go into a panic attack and or a rage attack. So that’s basically what fear does.

So it’s managing that amygdala, it’s managing the mistaken thoughts, the mistaken beliefs that prevent us from doing the things we’ve always wanted to how many of us have been told by either our abuser or somebody else? Oh, no, you can’t do that. Oh, no, you’re not talented enough to do that. Oh, no, you can’t do that to the baba, baba, baba. And if we believe them, we don’t do that. Well, that’s their whole goal. That’s their whole goal. I cannot tell you the number of nasty abusive people that were angry as hell at me for writing that first book. How dare you publish that book? How dare you give a tell all How dare you How dare you? How dare you and I was like narcissist, abuser. Oh, boy. I don’t know what you got to get the hell away from me. Do you see where I’m going with that? If I had listened to those naysayers, I never would have published I never would have done what I’m doing. I never would have traveled I never would have fill in the blank.

So really, it’s a matter of figuring out what do you want? What do you want? What do you want? Seriously? What have you always wanted to do that you couldn’t do because you were always told no. Or that Oh, no, you can’t do that. You don’t have the talent. You know what I tell people try everything. Life is a buffet. Life is a damn buffet. It’s like Go into the Bellagio. It’s a damn buffet, you take a little of everything, figure out what you like, and then go back for seconds. Seriously! Why the hell not? You know? So, these people are so interested in keeping us down and keeping us on what’s the word I’m looking for unfulfilled, but also not reaching our full potential. I challenge all of you write out what you want. What do you want to be doing? What have you always been afraid to do? But you’ve always wanted to do? Go do it. Write out the fears. What’s your damage report? What’s your fear? What’s what is it? What do you think’s going to happen? Talk to people who have done that. So, for a while, I was thinking about maybe doing skydiving and then I talked myself out of it. But you know, because I talked to other people. And some of them were like, Oh, it’s great. It’d be like, Oh, hell no. And I’m like, I’m on the hell, no sign.

Kris Godinez  20:47

But if you want to go to skydiving, talk to people that have done it, both sides, get your DC run, go on without, if you want to write a book, talk to authors. I have people talking to me all the time about well, okay, well, how did you do this? And how did you do that?

In fact, I had a really good conversation online with a person who is thinking about writing a book. And they were like, Well, how did you get to the point where you could write this tell-all and not be afraid? And I’m like, Well, no, it’s kind of like the Hulk. You know, my secret is I’m always angry when my secret was writing. I was always fearful. To be perfectly honest, because of all of the naysayers and all of the nasty people and trolls and all of that stuff. Until I realized, you know what, what they think of me is none of my business. They can suck it. As far as I’m concerned. I’m going to I’m gonna go do me, y’all do you? You know what I’m saying? So, it’s self-esteem. It is self-esteem. It is working on your self-esteem and your boundaries and knowing who you are rock solid, like sun comes up in the East sets in the west. Do you see where I’m going with that? This is why getting with a good trauma therapist is vital. Because you’ve got to get rid of all of those mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs, all of that rhetoric and that BS, quite frankly, about who you are and what you can do. Y’all just decide what you want to do and go for it. I’m serious. And even if it doesn’t work out, oh, well, what a great ride. What’s next? You know what I’m saying?

It’s like sometimes, this is something else that abusers do. They get it into their kids heads that Oh, you’re going to be a baseball star. I see this a lot. You’re going to be an athlete, you’re going to get your college paid for by being an athlete. Well, then the kid goes and tries out and is not that good. And then decides they’re not good at anything. That’s something that abusers do to their kids. So, here’s the thing if the kid isn’t good at one thing, okay, great. What is your strength but abusers don’t want that. Abusers don’t want that they want a square peg in a round hole. And then they will beat the kid up for not being a square, you know, a round peg that fits into that hole. So, do you see where I’m going with that? So I think a lot of us got that. Got that mistaken thoughts, mistaken belief that oh my gosh, like I you know, they want me to do this. So, I need to do that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And if whatever you’re trying doesn’t work, do something else. You know, it’s flexible. I’m dating myself here but back in the day there was this character on TV Gumby and it was made out of clay and it was flexible and it can move whichever way it needed to be flexible, like Gumby Don’t be rigid like the abusers the abusers are rigid.

Okay, getting back to the article goals because we’re running out of time. Okay. So certain amount of fear is healthy in that okay, is this a real danger? Yes, it is. Okay, what can I do to mitigate it? Ah, okay. This is what I can do. So that a part is healthy. When it becomes obsessive when it becomes irrational, overthinking, that’s when it’s not healthy. And that’s when you need a therapist to really help you put those fears back to the people it belongs CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. Listen to me now believe me later. Get it, work it do it. The self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi beginning to end Don’t skip around. It drives me crazy when people are like, well, I don’t want to do this part. So I’m just going to skip around. I’m like, well, then you’re going to get exactly what you’re putting into it. So don’t skip around. So there is that okay.

Fear comes in many shades. It can range from mild to paralyzing. Anticipation is a part of fear. So we imagine oh, what’s going to happen if this happens, what’s going to happen if that happens? And that’s when you kind of have to be like, Look, I’m not going to live in what if what if is a future that has not and probably will not happen? We’d love to do disaster reports. So, you do your you give yourself permission to do a disaster report once. Once. Here’s the disaster report. Here’s the most horrible things that can happen. Okay, what can I do to mitigate it? Okay, you write it out. What can I do to mitigate and you figure out what you can do? All right brain, okay. Inner Critic. That’s it. No more. I’ve written it out. I know what to do in case X, Y and Z happens. We’re done. Have a nice life. Buh bye. Go pound sand. And you just keep doing the thought stopping. Thank you fear. I hear you. I see, you know, I’m not playing. I’m not living in a future that has not happened. Oh, isn’t that interesting?

Kris Godinez  25:19

That thought belongs to my dad. Who that thought belongs to my mom. Ooh, that thought is my ex. Ooh, that thought is fill in the blank. I’m not playing I’m sending it back by like a dandelion off in the wind Sia, buh bye. Do you see where I’m going with that? So that’s what you want to do. Okay.

Fear is partly learned apps of freakin loosely. So when I was much younger, I was terrified of flying. Why? Because my mother was. And I learned by watching her. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I was able to be like, this not my fear. I actually like flying. I actually like doing, you know, traveling and going to places and you know, seeing new people and things like that. And it is really, that was my mom, it was absolutely my mom. So, she was the one that made me afraid of flying. And so, I finally had to sit down and go, am I really afraid of flying? And the answer to that is no. Now do I like turbulence? No, no, thank you. I’m not a fan of it. But I also know that it’s not going to kill me. So, you know, you have to really work out what is your fear? And what is somebody else’s fear? And what you can do with it is send it back to them. So, like I said, I’m not afraid of flying. Not really, I thought I was but I’m not. And I do get nervous with turbulence. But then I have to remind myself, well, you know, turbulence happens, and turbulence is not going to kill you. What’s going to kill you is pilot error. So, which is always a possibility, but you kind of got to go, Okay, do they really want to die? Probably not. Although there have been a few cases, but you know, and then it’s kind of like, well, am I afraid of dying? No. Okay, well, then what’s the problem? Do you see where I’m going with that? You have to kind of like, logic it out. You know, it’s like, okay, well enjoy the plane, ride It’s fine. So there it is. Okay, so it’s a learned thing. So you learn by watching your people around you.

You don’t need to be in danger to be scared, you can create the thought in your head. Like I said, if you imagine you’re in a bank, and it’s being robbed, your heart’s going to start pounding, and you’re going to start feeling threatened, because our thoughts are powerful. That’s why thought stopping is so important. The more scared you feel, the scarier things will seem. And that is exactly what abusers want. They want us in a heightened state of fear all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time. Because we’re overthinking and we’re up here. And we’re doing that. We don’t have time to take care of ourselves. We don’t have time to breathe, we don’t have time to take care of the kids, we don’t have time to figure out that they’re the problem. Do you see where I’m going with that and they enjoy it.

They How many of you, I’d be willing to bet had an abuser that would say or do something that they knew was going to upset you. And then they would sit back and smirk when you had the reaction of fear. My dad would do that all the time he loved terrifying us, he would put us in the car and do play chicken, you know? And then he would just smirk because he was so happy and pleased with himself that we were terrified, you know, shrieking and fear that we were going to die. So, they are sadists, let’s be clear about that they are absolute sadists. So, fear dictates the actions that you will take, you know, fight flight freeze or fawn. So, you know, there’s a reason we do what we do. And it’s probably based off of how the abuser responded when you had that reaction. So, a lot of us are fawners, or freezers. Me I’m a fighter. That’s why I got the crap beaten out of me by my dad, because I wouldn’t put up with this stuff. So um, yeah, there’s that how are we doing on time? I’m going over again. Okay, I will hurry with this. Okay, the more real the threat, the more heroic your actions. Usually not always.

Okay, and then this next one is conquering fear. Make the fear productive, make the fear work for you. You don’t work for the fear. The fear works for you. Seriously, it’s a bully. It is it’s a bully, and it’s there to keep you from doing your life. It’s there to keep you from becoming an individual. It’s there to keep you from being better than the abusers, think about it. Abusers don’t ever want their children to succeed unless it makes them look good. And when they do succeed, even though it makes them look good. They’ll still try to take it away from them. They’ll still try to own it. They get very angry when people do better than them. They really truly do. So, there is that make the fear productive. We’re hardwired to feel fear that immediate Fear of flood can propel us to take action to keep us safe. The challenge is to interpret those fearful feelings in ways that are useful. You honor the power of fear to keep you away from danger, and protect us from reckless behavior.

Kris Godinez  30:13

But you must also decide what is this trying to stop? Who’s trying to stop me from doing this? Where Who is this coming from? What do I really need to be doing?

So as soon as my mom or my dad told me not to do something, I would immediately go do it. And I always enjoyed myself, it was, you know, and it was things such as succeeding, it was things such as, you know, getting my master’s degree, it was things such as do you see where I’m going with that. Okay. Recognize, okay, maximize productive fear. So, here’s the challenge is to master difficult tests. So, a lot of times we have this Oh, I can’t do it. Oh, I’m fearful. I’m going to fail. Well, okay. So what? So, you fail. You either try again, or you do something different? Seriously, nobody except a jerk is going to judge you. And if they judge you, they’re a jerk. They’ve shown you who they are, believe them the first time kick them to the curb. serious as a heart attack. I I’ll tell you what, when people are like snarky, and like, oh, well, that didn’t work out did it? And I’m like, nope. And now I’m going to try this, you know? Is it you know what I’m saying? Because it’s like, Look, if you think you can do better than me, I invite you to do so. Go to. Help as many people as you can. Oh, that’s not your real goal. Oh, you’re just there to be a jerk. Okay, go pound sand have a nice like, Do you see where I’m going with that? There’s always going to be people that want to piss on your campfire. Don’t let them don’t let them get close to the campfire. Don’t. Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on, we’re still okay.

Recognize manufactured fear. It’s the kind of fear that is designed to manipulate us. That’s what I’m talking about. Fear is a powerful trigger, and can be purposely used to push us emotionally. This negative fear that promotes someone else’s agenda, not ours. That’s why you must separate it out. Is this my fear? Is this somebody else’s fear? And if it’s somebody else’s fear, what’s their agenda? What are they looking to get out of it? How are they looking to control me? What’s the deal? Okay, um, learn about the things that you fear. So, in flying, what I did is I went and started taking flying lessons, because I needed to understand how plane stayed up in the damn air. And also to understand that turbulence will not kill you. So, you know, it’s a pilot error. But you see where I’m going with that. And so I learned as much as I could about it. And then it was like, oh, okay, I understand. So, for example, when I was flying up to Sacramento, I was seated next to a young adult. And she was terrified. I mean, poor thing was hyperventilating, the whole thing. I was like, breathe. Let me talk you through that she’s like, but I don’t understand how does the plane stay up. So I had to explain to her how the airflow goes over the wing to lift the plane and the whole thing, what the noises meant, and you know, all of this stuff. So you know, and then once she understood, she was like, oh, and I said, See, it’s really a lovely way to travel. And she was like, Oh, okay. And I’m like, my job is done here. So, you know, understanding the thing you’re afraid of, really does help because it helps you kind of feel in control in a way, you know, and or at least understand what’s going on. Okay. Yes, we are going to get to questions. I’m sorry, I have gone way over. So that is one way to help let go of the fears. All right. Let’s get to the questions.

Do narcs get angry when you want independence? Yes, absolutely. And make your own life because they want to keep infantilizing you. Yes, absolutely. So that they have more power over you. Yes. That is exactly what they do. They are terrified of their target of abuse leaving, you know, and finding themselves and recognizing that they’re Cucoo for Cocoa Puffs and nobody wants to be around them. It seems they are afraid of independency Yes, absolutely. 110%. Yeah, absolutely.

So when I was separating from mom and dad, mostly my mom on this one dad could care less dad was like, you know, you’re 18 I don’t want to take care of you.

Kris Godinez  34:27

I don’t want to pay for you. I don’t want to do anything. And I’m like, good because I’m working and you don’t have to. But my mom was having a fit. She would obsessively call. And you know, she tried to not let me have control over my own bank account. And she tried to manipulate and control on the whole thing. And I just kept taking the power away from her. I was like, Fine, I’ve opened up a bank account on my own. You don’t have control over it bye, you know, and yes, they are terrified of losing control, because they’re out of control themselves. they want to control somebody else, the more out of control somebody else is, the more they try to control people around them. So, if they don’t have control themselves over themselves, they’ll try to control other people around them because it makes them it gives them the illusion of being in control, and it gives them the illusion of having power. So, yes, they do infantilize their children.

They do infantilize even their spouses. Oh, my God. So, what I’ve seen abusers do is, oh, you know, my wife, or my husband is such a child, you know, but in a nasty way. Not like, oh, their child, like, you know, they’re, there’s such a child, you know, they can’t do anything for themselves. I have to do it all for them. I’m like, No, actually, you don’t, you know, and they probably be better off if you allow them to do things themselves. But um, yeah, they absolutely seek to infantilize their targets because they don’t want to lose control. What better way to keep a child never growing up and to keep telling them that they’re not mature enough and that they can’t do it on their own. The whole goal of being a parent is, here’s this tool. Here’s this tool. Let me show you how to use it. Okay, we’re using this. We’re doing that. Okay. You got it. Okay. Do it on your own. Great. You got it. I’m here if you need me, I’m right behind you. Good. That’s what a good parent does. Bad parents are the ones that are like, oh, you can’t do that. Let me do it. Your let me do it myself. I’m not even going to show you. I’m just going to do it. You’re not You’re it’s not good enough. Oh, my God, I hate parents like that. Anyway, so yeah, they absolutely do that. Okay, let’s go to the next question. So yes, they absolutely do not want anybody being independent, which is why it is so vital for all of us, you know, survivors of abuse, those just leaving those left, find yourself, get independent, become an individual. That is the best screw you can give to your abusers absofreakinglutely.

So it’s kind of like, my dad’s biggest thing. And I know I’ve talked about this before. My dad’s biggest thing with me was always Oh, you’re the cute one. You’re the key. You’re not smart. You’re the cute one. You’ll never amount to anything. You need to find a man and go get married and let them take care of you. And I’m sitting here going, oh, yeah, cuz that worked out so well for you and mom. Yeah, no. So, and it’s like, he wanted me to never be independent to never get my degree, let alone my master’s degree. He interfered in me going to college. So, he kept, you know, insisting that I go to beautician school because I wasn’t smart enough to get a degree. So, I did what he wanted. I went to cosmetology school, I got my license. And then I went right back to college and finished my degree, but then he told everybody how stupid I was because it took me five years to finish instead of four never mentioning, of course, that he was the one that drug me off course. So then when I went to go get my master’s degree, I told nobody, John and I were the only two that knew I was getting my master’s degree. I was not going to share that with my family. Are you kidding me? And I didn’t tell anybody. I didn’t tell my mom until the day I graduated. I was like, Hey, I just want to let you know, I’m graduating and getting my master’s degree, you know, because I didn’t want anybody interfering with that, you know. Now, was that a real fear? Well, yeah, because my father had interfered before. By that time, my dad was dead. But my mom could still be pretty snarky.

Kris Godinez  38:17

So, um,you know what I’m saying? So, yeah, so yes, they do. They interfere with us becoming independent or successful.

And there was a part of my mom that was incredibly proud of me for breaking out of that whole thing. But there was another part of her that was very jealous, you know, because I did what she couldn’t. So yeah, they absolutely don’t want us to be successful. They don’t, they don’t want us to be happy. They don’t want us to be fulfilled. They don’t want us to be an individual. They don’t want us. You know, and this is something else, you know, you guys know, I love to swear, and I can’t swear because I have a sponsor now. But I love to swear that that MF is my favorite word ever on the face of the planet, this or any other planet Earth. And every time I swore both of them would try to keep me from swearing and I’m like, I’m not you. But they wanted me to be them. Remember, they can’t handle anybody that is not a mini me. So yeah, it’s really important. Find your voice if your voice is full of swear words. So be it! you know if you’re a poet, so be it if you are, you know, a train conductor. So be it if you’re being happy. Fantastic. That is the best way to give the screw you to those people do what makes you happy! Do what you’ve always wanted to do. So there we go. Hold on more questions.

How do I trust myself and not let others change my thoughts and ideas? I have no confidence because they always put me down first of all, you get the hell away from those people serious as a heart attack. Get away from them. If you’re around a bunch of naysayers, kick them to the curb, because you can not soar with the Eagles if you’re hanging out with the turkeys. Okay? So, listen to me now. Believe me later. Get rid of those people if they’re always putting you down and always giving you bad advice Nope. Bye bye now bye bye no thank you go hang out with healthy people. So the way to start trusting yourself now the head in the heart will tell stories these two are just like a little bit this that and the other thing bla bla bla the gut is a simple yes or no answer to it yes or no question. And you get to the gut through self-esteem self-esteem workbook Glen Schiraldi work it front to back several times. The other thing you’re going to want to do is get the disease to please by Harriet breaker CPTSD, from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. All of those books are going to help you find yourself because it’s all about putting it back on the BS back onto the abusers because not yours in the first place. So you want to get rid of that stuff. You want to get rid of the people that are naysayers, and you want to get good advice. You don’t this is the thing that kills me. You don’t go get relationship advice from somebody who has been in a horrible relationship and has been married 12 times. You know, it just it amazes me when people IM me, and they’re like, Oh, well, I’m seeing this marriage counselor, but she’s been married five or six times. I’m like, stop, just go find somebody else because this person doesn’t know what they’re doing clearly. So do you see where I’m going with that? So anyway, all right. Get with a good a good, good, good. Hello, good therapist, start working on your self-esteem. Start working on your certainty. Certainty. That is what they take away from us is our certainty will now really, do you really think that is that really what you? That’s what they do? They’re gaslighting. They’re gaslighting. They’re rewriting history. They’re causing us to second guess ourselves. They’re causing us to doubt ourselves. I really want you to work on self-esteem. I really want you to do mirror work. Hi. Good to see you. Have a great day. You know what it is okay for you to get out of your comfort zone and go over here to try something new. It’s okay. Are you going to be afraid? Yep. You betcha. And you know what, that’s okay, too. Hi, good to see you have a great day. It’s okay for me to be certain. I know what I know. And I know that I know it. And I’m not going to let somebody else talk me out of what I know that I know. Down here. Gut Hello. So, you do the mirror work you get with a good therapist. You start working with self-esteem workbooks and you kick those people to the curb. They don’t need to be in your life get they’re always putting you down. No, thank you. No,

Kris Godinez  42:25

I don’t allow nasty people in my life. I simply do not. And it doesn’t matter whether they’re family, or whether they’re friends or whether they’re strangers or whatever. I don’t put up with it. So, there that is.

What does it mean? When I feel as if I’m always waiting for something, but don’t know what it is? I think we get that. And a lot of us have that. You know, it’s like this. I’m waiting for something waiting for something. So you know, and let me know if I’m on the right track here because I could be totally wrong, because I’m not entirely sure because that’s just a little snippet, but I’ll try to answer the best I can. I think in part, we get this. You can’t do it on your own. Right. So going back to the infantilization my mom was always like, well, you can’t do it. Unless you know my sounds on I will be turning the sound off. There we go. You can’t do it. Unless a man does it with you. That was that was a big thing. Well, you can go to Europe, but you have to go with a guy. Why? I don’t want to travel with a guy really? You know, I’ve no thank you. So, her big thing was it. There had to be a man there had to be a man and I don’t know what her damage was honestly that her thinking that you know, I had to have a man, you know, give his blessing in order for me to do anything. And I’m just like, yeah, that’s not the way it works. So um, they very much have some weird ideas. What was the question? I’m sorry.

Kris Godinez  43:57

Uh, waiting for something so we get this whole No, you can’t do it unless you have permission. No, you can’t do it. Unless a guy is there with you. No, you can’t do it. Unless you know, knight in shining armor is going to come and rescue No, we are our own knights in in shining armor. We are. We are the only ones that can save us guys. We are the only ones that can save us. And it pretty much makes it our job to love ourselves to like ourselves enough to get the hell away from those bozos and not allow them to continue to harm us. There is no knight in shining armor. There isn’t, you know, and people are like, Oh, you’re so lucky. You have John and I’m like, John and I found each other because we both did the work. You know, we knew who we were we knew what we wanted before we got together you know what I’m saying? So, it you got to do work. There’s no easy button. There is no we’ll just skip this part. No, you got to do the work guys. You got to do the work and put the stuff back on the abusers.

So okay, I hope so. So, something stop waiting, there is no time like now seriously like, in fact, this is the only moment we have we do not have a future. The future is a fantasy. It doesn’t exist, it is moment to moment. The past is gone. So the Now is the perfect time to stop waiting for the perfect person the perfect time. The perfect is the perfect that if I had waited for the perfect time to do my book, I never would have written it or any of my books, I never would have written them. So, the perfect time is right the hell now. Now you know what I’m saying? So stop waiting, stop waiting for some magic time. Stop waiting for some person, stop waiting for some event, stop waiting. If you want to go do something, go do it. You know, it’s the best way to do I mean, it’s the same thing. Like when I wrote my books or when I did you know, when I traveled through Europe when I backpacked through Europe, it’s like, okay, well, Chernobyl had just happened and things were in an uproar and well, I’m going anyway. You know, so you just you take the bull by the horns, you wrench its neck, you tan its hide, you eat its meat, you use its bones for soup, and you do it, you just do it. Alright, hold on, let’s see.

How can I know whether the big life dreams projects I have are my own, or our reaction to the fears implanted by me by my abusers? That is a really good question. So, you’re going to journal you’re going to get with a good trauma therapist, and you’re going to sort it out. Seriously. So, my dad, he wanted me to fail. And I basically was like, that’s not happening. You know, my sisters, he wanted them all to be like ivy league, you know, successful doctors, etc, etc, etc. Some of them did. Some of them didn’t, some of them went into business, you know, that whole thing. And it was kind of like figuring out what they wanted, not what dad wanted. You know what I’m saying? So, it’s really a matter of sitting down and going, Is this really my life goal? Is this really what I want? Is this really me? Or is this mom and dad, you know, get with a good trauma therapist, start sorting it out and work on your self-esteem. Again, self-esteem is the key. If you like yourself, you will trust yourself. And if you trust yourself, you know, yourself. I know. Yeah, so that’s what you want to be doing. Okay, um, how are we doing on time? Oh, not bad.

Could you please recommend a book on learning how to make proper eye contact. I think a lot of my problem in social situations stem from me not being able to hold someone’s gaze. Okay, so eye contact, I don’t have a problem with that I never have. So, eye contact can be practiced in the mirror. Like, I’m not kidding you. Like, hi, good to see you have a great day, you know what it’s okay to maintain eye contact. You know, and you practice it, you practice it, you practice it. Um, some things that people do as a trick is instead of looking in the eyes, you look at the middle of the nose. And it looks like you’re looking him in the eyes. So, eye contact can be tricky. And in some cultures, it’s not okay, so I just want to be perfectly clear about that. So, it depends on who your audience is. So, in some cultures, eye contact is considered a sign of disrespect. So, and especially in Arizona, in some of the Native American tribes, you got to be you know, cognizant of that. So, um, so yeah, so I would say again, get with a good trauma therapist work on that. What is the, what is the fear? What is the fear? You know, what is keeping you from making eye contact? What causes you to look away? Did I skip a question? Ah, let’s see independence.

Kris Godinez  48:55

Changing thoughts waiting for someone? Big life prob the. Yeah, I answered that one. How do I how can I know if the big life projects are my own or somebody else’s? Yeah, that’s those are I’ve answered all of them.

Okay, at age 63, how do I finally figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life and set goals? I’m not afraid, but I finally got to a point of taking care of me. Well, good for you. So, you go in do you do you try new things? You know, it drives me crazy when people go, Oh, I’m too old. No, you’re not. If you can get around and you’re breathing and your heart is beating yet. It’s not too late. It’s not too late. Go try new things. Go do new things. I didn’t learn how to surf until I was in my 40s I freaking love surfing. I didn’t learn how to do paddleboard until I was in my 50s I love freaking paddleboarding. You know, it’s like you try new things you go do stuff that you’ve never tried before. Again, life is a buffet it is the Bellagio go try. Take a little from here a little from there, that one I didn’t like so much won’t go back for that. But I think I like that. So, we’ll go back for that. So that’s what you want to do and you write it out. It’s like what’s a priority for you? Now a priority for me is traveling clearly, I love love, love traveling, I love going to new places. I love meeting new people love doing all of that. So, it’s really important to, you know, prioritize what are you what’s important to you? All right, um, and setting goals. It’s like, Okay, what’s your what’s your main important thing that you want to accomplish? If it’s traveling, make that your priority. If it’s starting a business, make that your priority. So, sit down and have a come to Jesus with yourself basically, and figure out what it is you want to do. And give yourself permission to do it. Hey, good to see you have a great day. You know what? It’s okay for me to try new things. Seriously, mirror work, guys. I’m not kidding you. It really does help.

Okay, um, how do you stop caring about the smear campaign? Knowing It’s all lies? It’s a struggle not to be pissed off. Oh, okay. So, the abusers want you to be angry. They want to live rent free up in your head. 24/7. They do not ever want to leave. So, the smear campaign what other people think of us is none of our business seriously, people who are willing to believe the worst of us don’t deserve the best of us. Let me say that, again. People who are willing to believe the worst of us don’t deserve the best of us. If people are willing to believe the smear campaign, they are not your friends. They are not your friends or your family. Really family is who you make it. So, if these people are believing the smear campaign, okay, they’ve shown you who they are. Thank you for playing. Have a nice life. Bye bye. Bye bye now. Buh bye. And you’ll let them go. As far as being pissed off. Is it fair? No, it’s not. And you can’t do anything about it. So again, it’s acceptance. It’s acceptance. It’s like they’re going to do the smear campaign. sun’s gonna come up in the East they’re gonna smear. Oh, well, you know, people who are willing to believe the worst of you don’t deserve the best of you. They’re not your friends. Let them go. And get with a good trauma therapist and work on that anger. So write and burn a letter Dear abuser bleeped the bleep bleep bleep out of bleeping BLEEP you How dare you get out of my head. You don’t get to live up here rent free anymore. I don’t care what you say about me go pound sand, whatever you need to say, trot it out to the barbecue, read it out loud once burn it, let it go. You can’t control them. They’re gonna be jerks, and you can’t make them stop. You know, and it is what it is. And thankfully, you’re finding out who’s real and who’s not. And Is it painful? Yeah, that’s why a good therapist would help. Because there’s a lot of betrayal. There’s a lot of betrayal. There’s a lot of sadness. There’s a lot of grieving, there’s a lot of realizing who was your friend and who wasn’t your friend. Okay, I think this next one is going to be our last question.

I noticed that survivors from these types of families can be very duplicitous and have problems keeping friends. Is this because they have not got relationship skills? Yeah, yeah, it’s you know, relationship skills require intimacy and honesty, and how intimate or honest are abusers? They’re not. So it really behooves you to get with a good trauma therapist and start working on self-esteem and boundaries.

Kris Godinez  53:36

So self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, the disease to please Harry breaker  CPTSD from surviving to thriving. As you start trusting yourself more, you will start making more friends you will because you’ll be authentic and real and honest and you. So that’s why becoming an individual is so important. Go make your own friends that are healthy. Seriously, that’s how your picker gets fixed is by fixing the self-esteem, fixing the boundaries, fixing all of that. All right, my love’s you guys have a great week and I will talk to you well, I’ll be doing a video on Wednesday and I will talk to you next Sunday. All right, my love’s talk to you later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.

The post 06-26-2022 Becoming an Individual appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Kris Godinez  00:02

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

All right. Let’s dive into it. So today, mini mes, mini mes so. So, I really wanted to do so many different titles for this. It was like mini mes, golden child, you’re not your parents, because you’re not you don’t have to be but mini me’s Why do abusers insist that kids get put into these roles, so a little bit of review, and then we’re going to dive into the golden child. So, what abusers do is they cannot stand kids having their own personality, interests, their own way of doing things, they can’t handle the randomness of life, they really can’t. So, what they do is they shove the kids into these neat little boxes, and they try to force them to stay into those boxes. So, generally, when you have a dysfunctional family, you will have the golden child which we are going to go more in depth because we’ve already talked a lot about the scapegoat, because most of us were scapegoats. So, the golden, the golden child can do no wrong. The golden child is usually the mini me. So, if you remember that movie with Steve, what the heck was his name? I can’t think office, that guy. Anyway, the mini me’s, the little, the little yellow things. Um, those were all mini mes, it was like, okay, they’re supposed to do exactly what the villain wants them to do. And that’s essentially the job of the golden child, the golden child is supposed to be exactly like the abuser, like all the same things think the same way, dress the same way. And we’re gonna get more into that. Okay, so hold on, then you have the middle child, which is usually the ignored one, there’s usually one or two that are just completely ignored. Depending on how many children are in the family, then you’ve got the scapegoat, or the black sheep, and they’re the ones that the abuser puts all of the blame, the shame, the guilt, the whatever, it’s always their fault. Even if they were nowhere near the scene of the crime, it was somehow their fault. Then you’ve got the comic. So, the comic of the family or the helper of the family, tries to save the family, tries to keep things light tries to you know, that kind of thing. So let’s talk today about the golden child. Because we’ve talked a lot about the ignored middle child, we’ve talked a lot about the scapegoat, because that’s what most of us were designated the golden child.

Kris Godinez  03:24

So the golden child is forced into the role of becoming exactly like the abuser, like they have to be the smaller version of the abuser. So they have to think the same way they do. They have to like the same foods, they have to dress the same way I have seen abusive spouses, especially in the custody battles. when they get the kids, they insist that they each have the same outfit. It’s kind of creepy. I don’t know if you’ve ever been on those cruises where the couple’s dress alike, it’s kind of the same thing. So instead of a couple dressing alike, it’s the kids dressing like the adults. So they’re exactly matching shoes, matching pants matching, shirt matching, baseball cap matching, whatever. So and this happens to male and female children, it doesn’t matter the abuser will pick one to become the golden child and then that golden child because they’re just like the abuser can do no wrong. Because the abuser has groomed them to be just exactly like them. So therefore that kid is always in the right. They don’t do anything wrong. They’re held up to the other children. Why can’t you be more like you know, Bobby, why can’t you be more like Suze? Why can’t you? Why can’t you be like your older brother or sister or your younger brother or sister whoever the designated golden child is. It doesn’t necessarily follow with ages, it can be younger. It can be older, it can be whatever. It’s just whoever the abuser decides, is most like them. And so they start grooming them to be exactly like them.

Now, what ends up happening, as most of us have seen out of personal experience is that the golden child, it sets up this. What’s the word, I’m looking for this antagonistic, nasty, you know, these, these guys, these kids over here, the ignored one and the scapegoat, and the comic and everybody else can never be good enough. Because they’re always being compared to the golden child, the golden child, on the other hand, gets the best of everything, the best of the best of everything. So, you know, if if the abuser has gotten a lot of their identity wrapped up in who this child is, or what this child does, they will do things Oh, my Lord, they will do things like like, say, for example, the kid is good in sports, well, they’ll suddenly want to coach, they’re gonna want to be there to coach because they want to take credit for how good this kid is. So they’ll want to be the coach, they’ll be overly involved, they’ll be in meanwhile, the other kids are ignored, you know, kind of shoved to the side not paid attention to told they’re never right, etc, etc. And this kid is getting the best of the best of the best of the best. And that includes like education. So like, let’s say, the other kids want to go to school, right? They want to go to college. And instead of setting them up for success, the abuser will do everything they can to sabotage those kids getting into a good college or getting into any college at all period. Meanwhile, they are bending over backwards to get this one into an Ivy League, oh, my god University, right? Whereas the other ones are just as smart right? But they’re not given that opportunity at all. And you would look at that and go, why? If you’re feeding your ego, wouldn’t you want all the kids to do? Well? Yes. Well, if you’re dealing with somebody who’s sane, you would think that right? You know, you would think the logical thing would be like, well, you want all your kids to do well, because then you know, shows that you’re a good parent, you’re teaching everybody and you’re encouraging them to get schooling or, you know, go to a trade school or whatever is good for them, right. But they don’t, they don’t, they don’t want everyone to win. Because in their crazy way of thinking, everyone has got to follow the cubicles that they’ve been shoved into.

So in other words, the comic can never be the smart one, the ignored middle child can never have attention ever. Even if they write an amazing physics paper they can never have attention is not okay. The Scapegoat can never be anything other than wrong. Hear this Gong when I say that wrong, you know, because that’s what it is. And they the abuser cannot handle it when the kids start breaking out of those neat little cubicles that they’ve been shoved into. And so they want the status quo. And what they’ll do it from a very young age is they will make it clear to the kids that it’s not okay to break out of those particular stereotypes or ways of thinking or ways of being or whatever.

Kris Godinez  08:24

So what does this do to a family? Well, it creates a lot of animosity, it really and it’s intentional. Let us be clear here. The abuser wants animosity between the kids, they do and the best way to set that up is to pick a favorite. And then give them everything and then tell these other ones that they’re not good enough. What kind of good parent does that? Well, let me clue you in no good parent does that. So they create this animosity between the kids now, if the kids go get help, there is a really good chance that the golden child will wake up and see what’s going on and realize this is not cool. Okay? Again, we’re dealing with nature, nurture, nature, nurture, if their nature is to be narcissistic, because they’re not born with empathy, then no, there is nothing you can do to change them. However, I have seen plenty of children that had an influence from a narcissist, from malignant, borderline, etc. That was set up as the golden child that once they became adults, and they realized this isn’t working. There’s all this animosity, I don’t like it. I don’t like what’s happening. This feels icky. You know, and they start working on themselves. They do break out of it, and they’re able to be like, no, no, this is not cool. Okay. So again, nature nurture, nature nurture. are they picking up fleas from the abuser or are they really narcissists?  And again, is it nature, if they don’t have compassion and empathy, then they’re just going to cling to that golden child role because that they have now identified as I am perfect I am. I am the golden child, I am always right and very narcissistic. And they’re just like that parent, those ones probably won’t change. But if you’ve got kids who were shoved into that role, they actually like their siblings, they’re seeing that their siblings are suffering and they don’t like it, and they start getting help for themselves, then yes, they can change but the damage it does is huge. And here’s why.

Narcissists, and malignant borderlines are the ones that are just like, all the way over to the toxic end of the cycle. Okay, they cannot stand anyone not thinking, feeling, believing, agreeing with everything they think, feel, believe, and agree with. And when somebody breaks out of the mold, it is akin to them to treason. Think of it that way. So, when the children break out of those familial cubicles that they’ve been shoved into it, it’s chaos. It’s chaos, because the abuser feels, what’s the word I’m looking for? Well, they don’t feel they don’t process emotions the way we do, but their sense and their need for revenge is pretty intense. So when the golden child’s rejects them, and says, Nope, I am not you. I do like mac and cheese. I know you don’t, but I do, you know, I am not going to go be whatever it is you want me to be. That’s the other thing is they’ll force the like, Okay, let me just let me let me use my screwed up family as an example. So in my family, there were eight generations of attorneys not not a coincidence, also eight generations of alcoholics. So every single generation demanded that the oldest son become an attorney, and it went all the way down to my dad. And he insisted, and, you know, my grandfather insisted that my dad become an attorney, my dad didn’t want to become an attorney, he wanted to become an opera singer. That was his big passion in life was singing. So of course, he was disordered, like nobody’s business. So he went ahead and became an attorney and hated it, hated it, his entire life hated being an attorney, hated what he did, hated going into the office, hated everything, he was really not a fun person to be around. So but this is, what abusers do is that they demand that the golden child take over the family business, or take over whatever role the abuser had, you know, and, and my grandfather was very much you know, here’s the Attorneys at Law and son, you know, it’s like, okay, dude, whatever.

Kris Godinez  12:53

So it’s very much a forcing their wants, their needs, their desires, their everything onto the golden child. And, you know, the kid may not want that at all. And if they don’t have enough self-esteem, or outside influence, to stand up to that parent, they end up doing everything that the abuser wants them to do. And they’re miserable, just like the abuser. So remember, abusers don’t want anybody to be happy ever, not on this or any other planet Earth. So how it affects the child is able to get help and recognize what’s going on and break out of that pattern is that they are then shunned by the abuser. And it’s painful and, and the abuser will keep trying to drag them back into the family craziness. So they’ll they’ll try, you know, reaching out to them and doing the Hoover and oh, I’m dying and oh, this than the other thing and why don’t you come back into the fold? It’s very Stepford wife ish. You know, it’s like, Come, let’s go play, shall we, you know, that kind of thing. It’s really creepy. So they keep trying to drag the golden child back into the role.

So or the scapegoat when the scapegoat breaks out and gives the middle finger and says, That’s it. I’m done. I’m enough scapegoat of I’m not playing, I’m going no contact, low contact, whatever. The abuser will try to drag the kids back into that role. And they’ll gather the flying monkeys to force the kids back into those particular family rules. Now, when you’re dealing with a really messed up family, you’re going to have second dad, second mom, you’re going to have second spouse. So yeah, the incest stuff. So it’s really, abusers are sick and they’re evil and it’s intentional. And everything they do is with intention, how it feeds their ego, how it feeds their needs. They don’t really.

So to the other kids, it looks like the golden child is getting the better deal. It does because the golden child is good. Seeing everything so and this often plays out, especially when there is the death of the abuser and you’re having to do the estate and oh, look, the golden child got everything. This often plays out that way. But in reality, yes, they may be getting getting material stuff, they absolutely probably are. But the reality of it is, if they’re disordered themselves, if they never go get help, I can guarantee you, they’re not happy. And they will fight over every single last thing. So even though they’ve gotten the lion’s share of the estate or whatever, they will still, kid you not, demand more, they will, you know, whatever little things the rest of the family was able to get out of that inheritance.

Kris Godinez  15:34

If there was anything, the golden child will then try to take that as well. It’s never enough, guys, it’s never enough. There’s like this. In these family systems. There’s like these seething black holes of absolute self-hatred, that never get filled. And if there’s, if there’s no therapy going on, if this person if this golden child has worked on themselves, if the middle child hasn’t worked on themselves, if the younger child hasn’t worked on themselves, and the scapegoat hasn’t worked on themselves at the comedian hasn’t worked on themselves, there’s going to be all of this drama about the inheritance because the golden child is making sure that they’re getting theirs, you know, that kind of thing. And really, you kind of have to be able to step back and go, it’s just stuff. It’s just stuff, it doesn’t matter if it’s going to, if this is going to create this drama triangle going on for years and years and years, no, thank you, it’s not worth it. So that’s what the golden child will do. If they’re if they don’t get help.

They lord it over the other kids, they become the abuser, so the abuser dies. And guess who’s the next abuser, it’s the golden child, if they haven’t gotten help, if they don’t have empathy, if they don’t have sympathy or ability to feel or whatever, they’re just like their abuser, then they are going to then become the abuser. However, like I said, if they have empathy, and they recognize how screwed up this is, that they’re getting all the good stuff, and the rest of their siblings are being punished, or ignored, or, you know, not taken care of, or not encouraged, not supported, whatever, because I mean, this goes for everything. It’s not just material stuff, all of the support goes to the golden child, all of the encouragement goes to the golden child, everybody else is less than. So if the golden child gets help, and recognizes that this isn’t cool, they can work on this stuff. And they can step out of the Drama Triangle, which is the villain, the victim and the hero, remember, so in the in the abusers eyes, they’re always the hero. Somebody is the victim. And you know, the other kids are the villain. So and so that’s what they do. They play this sick game of chess with the kids and they set them up against each other. That’s the intention because honestly, if the kids united, the abuser would have no power.

Kris Godinez  18:10

Because nobody would be playing the game, everybody would be like, Nope, I am not going up against my brother, I am not going up against my sister, I am not going to play your game. This is not happening. And that’s the last thing they want. That’s why they always, always divide and conquer. And this is why they shove one kid into the golden child roll one kid into the scapegoat, roll one into the ignored roll one into the comedian roll. And for the really screwed up families, the second dads second mom’s second spouse, you know that whole thing because they want to create division. They want to have infighting, so everyone is focused on the golden child and how awful they are, as opposed to taking a look at the narcissistic parent and going w t f dude or dudette? What are you doing? You know, because they don’t want that they don’t want the attention focused on them.

So okay, so how can a golden child get help? So first of all, they would need to recognize what’s going on? It doesn’t happen. Yes, it does. But usually not until they’re adults. Because if they’re in the system, and the mom or the dad is continually feeding them the BS, right? It’s hard for them to see what’s really going on. Now, if there is empathy there, and they’re able to listen to their siblings and kind of figure out oh, this, you know, this is not fair. This is not good. And get help get with a therapist, a trauma therapist. So here’s the thing that we need to understand. Even though the golden child is getting everything they could possibly want. It’s still trauma. It’s still trauma because it’s at the expense of siblings. And it’s a game playing, it’s a manipulation. It’s it’s still harm. It doesn’t look like harm, but it’s still harm. So The golden child will need to get into a trauma therapist absofreakinglutely! Amends are going to have to be made, if they did things at the behest of the abuser, then they’re going to need to talk to the other siblings and, and really apologize and take responsibility and repair those relationships, and then stop having contact with the abuser because the abuser will never change, the abuser will never change. So if the golden child has got enough empathy, and is willing to work on the childhood issues that created this whole thing, because of the abuser, then the the rest of the siblings if they too, are willing to get to a trauma therapist and work on their stuff, and be open and honest, and that golden child’s open and honest and they’re not communicating with the abuser, then you can repair that family system.

If, however, the golden child is not just fleas, and they are narcissistically disordered themselves, or they are completely, you know, chronically toxic, borderline down at the far end, if they’re a dark triad, if they’ve got antisocial stuff going on. No, you cannot help them. You cannot. And the best thing to do with a golden child that is that way, that is a dark triad themselves is you cut them off. You just cut them off. You do. It’s really funny. I’ve had several people post Oh, well, you know, that’s, that’s just so mean cutting people off. No, it’s not. It’s a boundary. It’s a it’s a wall of No. And it’s I’m not going to put up with this. If you want to fight over every last fork from the estate, that’s up to you. I’m out. It’s not worth it. So it’s self-preservation. And a lot of times what I see are narcissists, or flying monkeys are the ones that tell you Oh, no, you can’t cut people off. Oh, no, well, what if they change? Well, if you’ve read all the books that I recommend, you’ll know that if they are truly narcissistic personality disorder, they don’t change. And once they are malignant, they don’t change, they absolutely don’t. So it’s really it can happen. Like I said, if there is empathy present if they are working on themselves, and if they have a trauma therapist to go through and see how unfair all of these things were to them as and it does happen, it really does happen. And like I said, if the abuser is still alive, they will continue to try to sucker them back in with bigger and bigger payoffs.

So say, for example, the golden child peaced out right, they figured it out, they got a therapist they peaced out, then what the abuser will do is Oh, but I’ll give you this, and it’ll be a bigger and bigger payout, trying to get the back end because that’s what they would respond to. So remember, anytime an abuser does anything, it’s because that’s what they would do. So if they’re… because they project, right, so for them, if somebody offered them a car, or a house or a ridiculous amount of money, they would run right back and grab it, because that’s who they are, not who the kids are. So remember, everything that comes out of the abusers mouth is a projection. And when the golden child leaves, they really get punished hard by the abuser because the abuser can’t stand it that they’re not falling for their, you know, their bribes. Basically, they’re bribing them, they’re trying to bribe them to come back into the fold, and to continue to be the mini me and think the way they do and punish the other kids and all of this stuff.

If you’re one of the other kids and you recognize this stuff going on, it’s a Drama Triangle, again, the villain, the victim and the hero. So you step out, step out, you do not have to play just because if you were not related to these people, would you have literally anything to do with them? If the answer is no, act accordingly, and then get with a good trauma therapist to work through the sadness.

So when we cut off a sibling that is harmful and hurtful, let’s say the golden child was just being a complete jackwagon. Right? They’re not going to change, they’re not interested, they’re not going to therapy, there’s no empathy there. There’s, they’re toeing the line of the abuser, your only option is to get out, your only option is to cut them off and not deal with their BS because they’re just going to continue to shove you into that box and continue to abuse you on behalf of the abuser. It’s abuse by proxy. So that’s what abusers use flying monkeys or the golden child to hurt the other kids. So if a sibling is doing that, and they’re not getting it and they’re not changing, and they’re not getting help, and they’re not going to therapy, all of that stuff. You have the right to stop. You have the right to be like you know what, if I was not related to this person, I would have nothing to do with them. Hmm, there’s an idea block be done. And then you’re going to deal with your trauma therapist about the screwed up sibling relationships that you guys all had.

So in my family, my oldest sister was the golden child. I was the comedian. You know, my middle sister was ignored. My other middle sister was ignored. My brother was the black sheep like nobody’s business, you know, and it really screwed with those relationships. It wasn’t until the last five years that Nancy and I middle child, were able to reconnect and discover how much alike we are, which was truly mind blowing. I mean, she loves dogs. I love dogs. She loves collies, I love collies, you know, it’s like, oh, my god, yeah, when she has a lot of the same thing she likes I like it just it was really funny. She was like, very similar to me. And it’s, I’m sad that we didn’t have a relationship prior to that, because the abuser made sure we didn’t have a relationship. Again, my dad did not want us on a united front, he did not want us to get together and talk and compare notes. And that’s exactly what we did, is we got together and we talked, and we compared notes, and we realized how screwed up the situation was, for us, for our brother, for the sisters. You know, it’s like, it’s not fair to the entire family. So it’s hard to have sympathy, I think, or empathy for the golden child, because it seems so unfair.

Kris Godinez  26:26

And it is. But you have to understand that kid did not pop out of the womb going, Hey, I want to be the favorite. Hey, I want to have everything hey, I want to be the mini you. The narcissist decided that the abuser decided that so does that mean you have to be around them no, if the golden child is not getting help and is still abusive? No, you cut them off, you’d be done, be done, be done. If however, they’re getting help, my suggestion is family therapy for the siblings to come together, compare notes, work things out, see if the relationship can be repaired if it can, if it’s clearly a no, you don’t go to therapy with somebody who acts just like the abuser, you’ve got to make sure that they are actually sincere, and they are willing to work on themselves and that they actually have empathy. That’s because if they’re abusive, do not go to therapy with them. Do not go to therapy with them, do not go to therapy, do not do not, do not… listen to me now, believe me later. If they are abusive, do not go to therapy with them. If they have had an awakening, if they are if they do have empathy, if they take responsibility for their behavior, and they want to repair the relationship great. But if there’s drama that comes out of that, hell no. That’s when you tell them point blank. It’s like Look, dude, or dudette. If there’s drama coming out of this, I’m not interested. If you want to repair the relationship, you want to be real, great. But if any of this stuff starts family stuff, peace out, I’m gone. So there that is okay. I hope that that answered questions about the golden child.

And you don’t have to be a mini me that’s the thing is that the kids feel compelled to be exactly like the parent because if you not if you’re not, they’ll punish. That’s what they do. So okay, let’s get to the questions. I’ve gone over a bit. Okay.

Okay, how do I stop thinking about a girl I’ve lost contact with two years ago? Okay, kind of off topic, but okay. Um, so what we tend to do, is we obsess, and we do the whole, oh, what if? What if, what if, what if, what if, whatever, well, you’re living in a future that has not happened. You know, so depression is when we live in the past, anxiety is when we live in the future, that has not happened. And it causes us to not live in the present moment. So again, when you’re finding yourself obsessing over someone, whether it’s the abusive ex, somebody you lost contact with, whatever, you know, it’s kind of like, here comes the thought, Okay, well, that’s a fascinating thought. Thank you for playing, um, you are not valid, because I haven’t talked to you in two years. Bye let it go. Let it go. It’s thought stopping. So you acknowledge the thought, yeah, there’s a part of me that would really love to get back in touch with them. But then there’s another part of me that knows, you know, okay. It’s not happening. And okay, thank you. Yeah. If we run into each other sometime in the future, great, if not great. Okay. Thank you thought, bye, bye. And you stay in the present moment. This is where I think a lot of kids that have been raised by narcissists and borderlines the malignant ones, really have a hard time coping with staying in the present moment because the abuser forces us to live in what if, or they force us to live in the past with the shame. So, and this is how abusers use that, so abusers use the shame to keep us stuck in the past. They also use the well you know, if you do what I want you to do dangling the inheritance, right? If you behave this way, then I’ll do this is for you… so they have us living in this future or this past. So, if you find yourself doing the future or the past you got to stop and be like okay, I’m gonna live in the here and the now what is going on right here right now? How is this thought about this person I lost contact with distracting me from what’s happening here now? This is a distraction it’s a distraction you know what’s going on in the here and now that you’re trying to avoid that’s something to think about because if your mind is filled with this past stuff, it’s like what is that about? What are you What are you distracting yourself from in the here now? So get with a good therapist, obviously that’s always going to be my first thing get with a good therapist figure out what the obsession is about figuring out what you’re avoiding. What are you avoiding? You know, thoughts stopping hi thought that was a fascinating guy. Yeah, I’d love to see that again and not gonna happen. All right, have a nice life. Bye, bye. Buh bye now what’s going on in there in the now and then go do that. Okay, let’s get to the next question.

Can a golden child turn on the narc and abuse the narc itself and take over the role as major narc to the rest of the family? Yes, they absolutely.

Kris Godinez  31:17

Yeah, they absolutely can. So again, nature, nurture, nature, nurture. If the person is born without empathy, they become addicted to the power and the control. And when the narcissist becomes older, you see this a lot, especially in geriatric situation. So, the abuser becomes older and then suddenly the favorite child is now running the show, has taken over the role of the abuser especially if they have no empathy and they are narcissistically personality disordered, you know, and they turn and start doing all the things that the abuser did to the rest of the family. Yeah, absolutely. It absolutely can happen. I mean, again, nature nurture. So, nature sets people up with no empathy, right? And nurture pushes them over the edge. So, if they had no empathy to begin with, and then the narcissist is training them grooming them to become a mini me, and then the narcissist gets old. And it’s kind of like the Lion King. You know, it’s like, Scar, just looking for an opportunity to take over kind of thing. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So remember, narcissistic personality disorder, the age old question, is it nature? Is it nurture? I think it’s both. I think they’re born without empathy, and then how they are raised pushes them right over the edge. And yes, they can do that. So the golden the golden child can absolutely become the next abuser, which is why when you recognize they are disordered, they are getting off on the power and the control, they are enjoying bossing the other siblings around or making them feel bad or withholding inheritance or whatever it is that they do. Then you just peace out. You’re just like, Okay, I see you. I see what you’re doing there… not interested. Have a nice life. Goodbye. Buh bye bye now. Because there’s no point, you know, it’s like, all you would be doing is keeping the game going. And that’s what they want. And, and I get this question a lot. It’s like, How do I stop them? Well, you can’t, they’re gonna do and think and say, whatever they’re going to do and think and say the only thing you can do is get the hell away and go live your life and be happy and not allow them. Don’t hand your power to them. And I see a lot of people unfortunately, handing power over to the golden child or handing power over to the parent because of the fear of missing out on the inheritance or missing out on something that they could get. It’s like it’s not worth it. I’ve talked about this before it honest to God is not worth it. It’s not theirs. There’s not anything any of them could offer me that would make make it worth having to deal with their crazy chaotic, dramatic, nasty nastiness. That’s yeah, there’s no thank you. No, no, thank you. Life is too short. I’d rather hang out with people that I love and that love me. So yeah, so there’s that. Okay. Hope that answered the question.

Okay. Um, my ex was great to our two children until they were about five. Yep. And then they couldn’t do anything, right. How do I help them? Why do they do that? Okay, so this is insanely common. So, what about age five? Is where kids if you if you look at child development, right? About age five is where kids really start coming into their own and if you’re a healthy parent, you’re thrilled because it’s like, they’re getting their personality and they’re getting, you know, they know what they want, and they know what they don’t want. And they’re doing their own thing and they’re making their own friends and they’re deciding what they want to do. And you know, it’s a, it’s a fun time if you’re a healthy parent, because you’re like, Yay, you’re developing you. That’s awesome. narcissists do not, do not they will. They love it when the kids are babies, because the babies are silent, or don’t talk back, or haven’t learned the word no, or whatever, they love the babies, at about age five is when the Narcissus cut them off, because the kids are no longer malleable. They say no, they don’t do automatic compliance with whatever the abuser wants or thinks that they want. So yeah, at about age five is when they do that. So my suggestion would be to get them into a play therapist, and work on self-esteem, because they are going to be affected by this.

Kris Godinez  36:04

Because parents healthy parents mirror to their child, how much they love them, and how great they are and how awesome they are. When a parent rejects the child, and this is male or female parent, this is male or female narcissist doesn’t matter. So when they reject that kid, it’s going to have an impact. So the way to help them as you just keep pointing out, has nothing to do with you little one has nothing to do with you has everything to do with mom or dad, whoever that rejecting parent is, is not about you, it’s about them. It’s not about you, it’s about them. So you help them see that whatever the parent is doing is about them. Because remember, kids are very, very egocentric. And I don’t mean that in a narcissistic way, kids have got a lot of magic thinking. And so when things, when bad things happen, they automatically assume that it’s something they did, or something they didn’t do, or it’s about them. And it’s not and they haven’t quite reached that level of maturity level or that brain development yet where they can see that not everything is because of them. So it’s really important to keep the separation going. It’s not about you, sweetie, whatever Mom or Dad is doing speaks volumes about them. And it says nothing about you, you are wonderful child, you are great to be around. This person has got issues. And you can say that, you know, and I would also get them into a play therapist, I really would sand tray therapy is great. play therapy is great. Have them color, have them start working on self-esteem, it’s never too soon, or too late to start working on self-esteem. So what I would do is mirror work in the morning, have them do that with you. Hi, good morning, good to see you have a great day, you know what you are loved, and then walk out and have them do that every morning, every morning with you, it’s going to help you it’s going to help them it’s going to help you it’s going to help them. This is why you want to do that. So you want to work on the self-esteem because what the abuser is now doing is recognizing that the kids are not like them. And they’re not just going to automatically you know, when they say jump, the kids are not going to say how high they’re gonna be like, why? You know, and abusers don’t like that. So yeah, it’s abusers are so weird.

So in custody battles, they do one of two things, they either fight to get control of those kids and want them to be mini mes and do it to hurt the other parent are they absolutely hands off want nothing to do with the kids, they go and find a new supply. They start a second family and their first family is like they never existed. That would be the best option. Oh, honest to God, I know that there’s a lot of people that are like but but but the kids need their dad will no their kids need a sane dad, they don’t need a disordered dad who’s messing intermittent positive rewards with their little minds. So if they decide to have nothing to do with them, Count yourself lucky. And get those kids into therapy and start working on their self-esteem. Make sure that they understand that they are loved and it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with that other parent. So yeah, it’s weird. It’s like, like I said, there’s no in between. It’s like they either want to use the kids as pawns to hurt the other person. Or they’re so wrapped up in their new family that the first family like disappears. And that’s what happened with my sister, my brother is it my dad married my mom started a family with my mom. And all of those kids just poof, you know, nonexistent, you know, and it was all about us. And I’m just like, and of course, he was abusing us too, because he told douchebag but you know what I’m saying? And so, in a way, that’s a better scenario. And my sister Nancy and I were talking about that I’m like, you know, in a way you’re really lucky because you did not have to deal with him. And she’s like, Yeah, I know. It’s In a way, it was a better situation for me because I wasn’t having to be, you know, on guard. And you know, because he molested all of us. So he’s just not a nice guy. But you know what I’m saying. So it’s really, it’s almost a better scenario that the abuser goes to that second family and leaves the original family alone, because now the kids can work on healing and getting into therapy, and you know, that whole thing. So, yeah, it’s weird. It’s weird that they do that, because the kids are now saying, No, the kids are developing their own personality, and the abuser doesn’t like that the abuser wants to be able to manipulate and control and once the abuser realizes, wait a minute, the kids got their own personality, they’re not just going to automatically comply. They leave, in some cases, that best case scenario, best case scenario, totally.

Kris Godinez  40:46

If that, if that’s what they do. Let them let them, let them go. Seriously, the kid does not need that. It’s too confusing for the kid. You know, it’s that come here, go away, come here, go away, come here, go away. Intermittent positive rewards. You don’t want them doing that to the kid. So get them into a good play therapist. Self-esteem, work on self-esteem, mere work, kids love the mirror work, because you know, it’s fun, make it a game, make it a game, go on to Amazon and find self-esteem books for kids coloring books, or whatever age appropriate. They’re on Amazon. And they’re there. They’re there for like all different age ranges. So there’s some for teenagers, there are some for you know, preteens, there are some for little ones, there’s, you know, so go find self-esteem books age appropriate. And yes, they do that they absolutely do. And it’s because they recognize that this little being over here is developing their own personality and is able to say no, and will defy them, you know, and they don’t like that. So yeah, there that is. Okay, I’m gonna answer that. And just make sure you tell the kids it’s not them. Because it’s not it’s it has everything to do with the abuser, nothing to do with them.

Okay, I’m the oldest of eight, and our parents pit us against each other. They had a lot of switching roles on us one day, he was the favorite. And then sometimes not. Is that typical with narcissistic parents? Yes. Oh, my good God. Yes. So what you will see is that abusers will, depending on Okay, so if the golden child does have a conscience, and stands up to the abuser, guess what’s going to happen, they’re no longer going to be the golden child. So they’ll get shunted to black sheep. And then whoever is the golden child, next, whoever the abuser decides, and sometimes it’s not even a family member, sometimes they’ll go for total strangers, you know, the kid down the street, oh, that’s my child, because they respect me, blah, blah, blah. You know, they do that kind of thing, too. So yes, so my sister got put into the role of golden child. And as soon as she figured out how exactly crazy my dad was, she stepped out of that role. And she started, you know, really working on herself, and she started helping us and she, you know, and as soon as she pissed off my dad, well, boom, somebody else is the golden child. And then as soon as they pissed off my dad, well, then boom, the next one is the golden child. And then boom, the next one is the golden child, and then boom, here’s my sister back to being the golden child. You know, it’s crazy. It’s crazy. Making is crazy making, but they do it on purpose. They do it on purpose, it’s to keep everybody off balance. And it’s to keep everybody in the hope that someday, miraculously, they will be the golden child and stay there. Think about it, how old do you feel when you wish you could have been the golden child? Pretty itty bitty. So really, it’s important to get with a good therapist and start working through all the conflicting feelings. You know, because there was a lot of anger and resentment towards my older sister when she was doing the golden child thing, you know, and then when she got punted off, and then the next kid got put up there, it was like, Whoa, this is weird, because that person was the scapegoat. So how’s that work? And you know, it’s it just lots of weird stuff. So I would say get with a good good trauma therapist, really work through the conflicting emotions about the siblings and things like that. And really decide whether or not you want to have relationships with any of them, or all of them. Oh, you know, or whatever. And yes, they do change the rules up and it’s a way to keep everybody off balance, and it’s a way to keep the kids and hope that someday there’ll be the golden child. Absolutely. It’s crazy. Go nuts. Okay.

Um, okay. As a golden child, I find I have unrealistic expectations of being perfect.

Kris Godinez  44:51

How do I get over this feeling that everything has to be perfect? First of all, my condolences that you got shoved into that role. Second of all, feeling the need needed to be perfect, especially for the golden child. I mean, this is kind of for everybody, but especially for the golden child. It’s maddening because nobody’s perfect. Nobody’s where we don’t walk on water unless it’s frozen, you know, but the golden child and the other kids often get I mean, even though I wasn’t the golden child, I still got that you must be perfect. You must be perfect, you cannot screw up you dadadadada. And it’s a very and of course, my dad was an addict, too. So that’s it’s not only a narcissistic trait, it’s also an addict trait to demand that everybody around them must be perfect. must walk on water must be holier than holy must be, you know, whatever. And it’s an unrealistic thing that gets shoved onto the kids. And then what happens is the kids get trapped in analysis paralysis. Oh my god, is this going to be good enough? Oh my god. Am I making the right choice? Oh, my God, I have to be perfect. No, no, you don’t. So my recommendation would be to write and burn a go pound sand letter to the being perfect. You can make it to the abuser you can make it to the being perfect. You can whatever. Dear abuser dear needing to be perfect. Guess what? Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep at a bleeping BLEEP you I am not perfect. I do not walk on water. Unless it’s frozen. I have the right to make mistakes, because that’s how humans learn seriously. So how do babies learn to walk, they fall down. That’s how they learn balance. And if you never allow them to make a mistake, they don’t learn. Right? They get delayed in being able to balance. So you’ve got to be able to be gentle with yourself for give yourself screw the abuser. Forgive yourself. Okay, you don’t have to be perfect. It’s okay. So when you’re doing the mirror work, we’re going to be dealing with that inner child, I would strongly suggest either the Luccia Cappichoni inner child book, The coloring book thing, or the Catherine Taylor one, or whichever inner child workbook you liked. Go do that. Because you’re dealing with that inner child that got that mistaken thoughts, mistaken belief that you had to be perfect. You don’t. You don’t we all make mistakes we do that is part of being human. If we were perfect, we would not need to be on this planet. So we’re going to make mistakes, mistakes are going to happen. You’ve got to forgive yourself. And you’ve got to allow it. It’s like, okay, I’m doing this to thing. Mistakes are probably going to happen. And it’s okay because that’s how I learn. So when you’re doing them your mirror work, hi, good to see you have a great day. You know what, you don’t have to be perfect. I give you permission to make mistakes and learn from them. It’s Oh, Kay. And I can hear that internal critic going. Oh, I have to be perfect! Thank you for your input. Shut the bleep up. Why? Because I say so you say so. I say so. It’s okay for me to be human. It’s okay for me to make mistakes, as long as I’ve learned from them, and don’t keep repeating them. So Shush, boop, go pound sand bye now bye, you know, that type of thing and write and burn the letter to the abuser to the perfectness that, hey, you know what? I’m not a designated saint. I get to make mistakes. Thank you. So yeah, that is a common one. And they do it. Because they know on some level, they’re not perfect, although they’ll never admitted. And they demand that everybody around them be perfect because it mirrors to them how perfect they are in their own crazy way of thinking. And the same thing with addicts too addicts do the same thing. Everybody has to be perfect around the How dare you make a mistake? Because it reminds them of how they’re not perfect. And they can’t stand that because in their mind, they’re god. So yeah, that’s why they put that perfection thing and you’re gonna have to settle for good enough. Good enough. So when you get that it has to be perfect. That’s analysis paralysis. Is it good enough? Oh, great. It is settled for that. It’s okay. It’s good enough. Okay. Doesn’t have to be perfect, just good enough. And that’s something I strongly suggest you work on with a therapist because that’s a really tough one to untie and let go because there’s always that internal critic going. No, no, no, no, no, it has to be perfect! It has to be perfect! It has to….. No it doesn’t! Thank you for playing bye bye. Why? Because I say so I can be good enough. And it’s gonna feel weird. The first few times you do that you’re gonna be like, Oh my goodness. Allow it. allow, allow, allow and anyone who bags on you for good enough probably needs to be out of your life.

Kris Godinez  49:49

So get with a good trauma therapist start working on that. Okay, let’s see. Um, okay.

Is it possible to be a golden child When you’re the only child? This is the thing about only children is that they get shoved into all the roles. So, there’ll be the golden child, and then the parent will get ticked off at them. And then suddenly they’re the black sheep, or they’re ignored, or they’re, you know, whatever. So, yes, yes, it can happen being an only child. Absolutely. And that need for, you know, that one only child to be perfect. It’s so it’s not fair to the kids, it really isn’t. It drives me crazy. Because these kids, they get this i You have to be perfect. You’re the golden child, you’re carrying on the family, whatever. There’s so much pressure put on them to not be themselves. You know, the kids are never allowed to make mistakes. The kids are never allowed to be themselves to pick what they want to whatever. And it’s not fair. Kids, kids need to explore kids need to play, kids need to have fun. Kids need to figure out who they are separate from the parents. So yeah, as an only child, I think it’s kind of a double whammy. Because it’s like, you don’t have the siblings to kind of, you know, balance out the weirdness kind of thing. And it’s like, it’s all on you. Which sucks. So get with a good trauma therapist, work on separating, work on who you are, and giving yourself permission to not be perfect and permission to not be the golden child. And yeah, absolutely. Parents who are healthy don’t shove their kid into little stereotypical boxes, parents who are disordered do, because they can’t cope with reality, you know, change, differing opinions, etc, etc, etc. And when you have kids it is nothing but differing opinions and different realities. And learning who they are, and it’s fantastic. And it’s it’s sad that the abusers don’t allow it. Because the kids need that, the kids need the freedom to find out who they are separate from the parents. So yeah, Um okay.

How are more people not ending contact with a family when they grew up? When over 40% get abused physically, even if they are continually oppressed to never expose it. They could leave. Okay, so here’s the deal. It is insanely difficult, leaving an abusive relationship. If it was easy, I would be in a different form of therapy practice. Seriously, it is insanely difficult, because you’ve got the gaslighting, you’ve got the lying, you’ve got the rewriting history, you’ve got the physical abuse, sexual abuse, in some case, emotional abuse all the time. You’ve got the game playing. You’ve got the flying monkeys, you’ve got maybe the spouse of the abuser telling you Oh, no, it’s not that bad. Oh, no, no, no, you don’t see the pink elephant taking a dump in the corner of the living room. No, no, no, no, that’s not happening. Oh, you know, so it is insanely difficult to leave. For me. It was also insanely difficult to leave. What finally did it for me is my dad kept frickin hitting me and I got sick and tired of being his punching bag. You know, and I finally at 17 was like, You know what, screw this noise, peace out. I’ll figure it out. You know. So it is insanely difficult to leave. And there is a reason why it’s hard is because it is. What’s the word I’m looking for… brainwashing they brain wash us that we’re wrong. And they’re normal. I mean, I love my mom. I do. But she had her issues. And she would continually tell me Well, every family is like ours. No, they’re not. No, they’re not. You know, and so dad would do something heinous. Oh, well, no. Every family is like ours. Every family has dirty laundry. Everyone…. No, no, sweetheart, they don’t. So it’s hard to leave when you’re being brainwashed and you’re being told to question your reality. And your reality is that you see the pink elephant taking a dump in the corner of the living room and yet you’ve got your mom or your dad or cousins or aunts or uncles or whatever going up. You don’t see that pink elephant. There’s no pink elephant.

Kris Godinez  54:27

You know? And then when you do leave, look at all the flying monkeys that come flying around and going. Well, you know, they are your parent. They did give birth to you and you should stay in touch. I want to slap therapy for those mother Cluckers swear to God, it’s like no, no, you do not need to stay in contact with an abuser if you’ve gone no contact, stay no contact. Why? Because if you go back into that system, the abuse will be worse. It will be. So, leaving abuse is not easy. It’s not like, you know, if every abused person could just suddenly wake up and go, Yeah, I’m done and walk out. That would be great. freaking love that that’d be done frickin retire and go open a bed and breakfast/wedding venue, somewhere in a Victorian, probably in the south, I don’t know. Anyway, the point being, is that if it was super easy, everybody would do it. It’s not. And it’s not easy, because you’re dealing not only with a lying, the cheating, the stealing the gaslighting, the brainwashing the flying monkeys, you’re dealing with the inner child, you are dealing with an inner child, how old were you when you started getting abused, and that inner child desperately wants to have the family work. And this is why a lot of people find themselves sabotaging their efforts to get out of the abusive relationship, whether that was a familial abusive relationship or whether a good Lord! I’ve gone over, or whether that was a romantic abusive relationship, because that inner child. Look I just, I want them to love me. And I want them to be nice. And I want them to behave and I want them to be normal. So you’re dealing with that inner child that’s going but but but but but and it prevents people from leaving, and then they tell the abuser everything they’re doing in the hopes that the abuser is going to have an epiphany and be like, Oh, you’re right. I’ve been horrible to you, I need to stop that. It doesn’t happen. They may say it, they can say beautiful, pretty words. They don’t believe it. They don’t, they won’t change, they won’t suddenly become the parent you’ve always wanted. You know, they’ll do it for a small amount of time, just enough to get you hooked back into the system. And then as soon as you’re back into the system, I’ll give you three guesses what happens in the first two don’t count. So they’ll start all over again. They’ll start the cycle the abuse cycle all over again. So why is it so difficult to leave? Because the inner child is fighting to stay so that mommy and daddy will behave and mommy and daddy will love them. Or if it’s romantic relationship? Why can’t they see how great I am? Why can’t they love me? Same thing but it’s just being projected onto a romantic partner. So this is why and this and this is gonna be the last question because I am losing my voice and b I’ve gone over time and I’ve got to go meet with Susanna so this is why we’re working the workbooks is so hugely important. The inner child workbook either by Katherine Taylor or Lucia Cappachione Okay, the disease to please Harry breaker work on those boundaries. Okay, that’s codependency CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker dealing with all of the mistaken thoughts, all of the mistaken beliefs that got shoved into your head and you know, rebuking them and sending them back right. Okay, missing one, the self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, or you are a badass by Jen Sincero I don’t care get whatever self-esteem workbook floats your boat. All right, my love’s you guys go be awesome. Have a great day it is going to be 100 and frickin seven here in Phoenix. So drink plenty of water if you’re local. Plenty of water, take good care of yourself. wear your sunscreen, your hat, all that sort of good stuff. All right. Talk to you guys later.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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