Kris Godinez  00:02

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Kris Godinez  00:27

All right. So, announcements. Alright, so Suzanna and I have decided to hold off on touring again. Thank you COVID. So, we’re kind of trying to figure that all out. However, we are still plotting and planning to do a seminar at some point it is either going to be in Scottsdale or in Palm Springs. I’ve got a massage therapist, Diane, who was on the show who’s very, very interested in doing the seminar as well. We’ve got other people that are interested in doing the seminar. Oh, hello, India. My goodness. So um, hopefully I’m hoping we’ll see how the winter goes. And if in the spring, it’s looking better. And if that antiviral pill makes a difference. That would be great. Then we’re going to look at doing a seminar probably a Friday night, Saturday morning or Saturday day would be all the seminars. And then thank you Benny. Um, then Sunday we would do the goodbye breakfast and all that sort of good stuff and I don’t like those seminars where you can’t actually sit and talk to people so I’m very much like if you went on the cruise with me and John you know, we did breakfast with you guys. We hung out we had lunch we you know, because I like talking to people and I like hearing what’s going on. So that’s kind of my way of doing a seminar. It’s like, hey, let’s you know, no host lunch, breakfast, whatever, we’ll go talk and we’ll do the seminars and hang out and answer all your questions. So, at some point, it is going to happen and it’s going to be more than just me and Suzanna. I think it’s gonna be me, Susanna, Diane Brown, who’s a massage therapist. I’m trying to get Marsha Diane who is also a therapist. She’s very spiritual to do that. So, we’ll, we’ll see how that goes.

All right, speaking of Suzanna, You’re Still That Girl Suzanna Quintana at Suzannaquintana.com. She’s my girl because she’s awesome. So, this is a great book for recovering from a narcissistic abusive relationship. There is Shahida’s book, which I just I love her, Shahida Arabi The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People. I love this book because she has all sorts of suggestions for journaling and things to do to work, you know, cognitively work out the abuse. So, this is a great book. If you are going through a divorce, you need to get Splitting by Bill Edie and Randy Krieger. Because this will tell you, I’m running out of room Good Lord, I’m just gonna put this on the floor. Hang on.

Kris Godinez  03:22

This will tell you everything that your abusive ex is going to pull during the legal process. So, this is a great book if you’re thinking of divorcing or if you’re in the middle of a divorce, or if you’re in denial, and you’re going no, they would never do X, Y and Z. Yeah, they will, they will do X, Y and Z, I know they’re gonna do X, Y and Z, these guys know they’re going to do X, Y and Z you need to know they’re going to do X, Y and Z. So, this is a great book. If you are interested in my books, You Can Lead a Horse to Water But You Can’t Make ‘em Cha-Cha why some people get into abusive relationships and stay and other people get out and then my first book What’s Wrong with Your Dad… got about four hours. So, this is about my journey and kind of like why I became a therapist. So right there also to let you know I just got my headshots done for the new book which is called So You Want To Be A Therapist. So that’s coming out soon I just got the headshots done for that I’m going to be doing the audio for it in November. So, the hardcopy book is probably going to be coming out sometime this month and the audio book will be coming out sometime in November, December that’s the evil plan and I’m working on the fourth book which is more along the lines of You Can Lead a Horse to Water But You Can’t Make ‘Em Cha, Cha. But this time it’s about you know finding yourself coming out of the abusive relationship and finding yourself so there is that!

Okay, so let’s dive into this. So, a lot of the times I get questions about well what’s the difference between dependent personality disorder versus being codependent Well, there’s a lot there’s, there’s, there’s a lot! So let’s go Read the DSM Let’s read what this is so dependent personality disorder and this is a cluster C okay? So, narcissism and borderline are cluster B’s, dependent personality disorder is a cluster C. So, pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of that leads to submissiveness and clinging behavior and fears of separation kind of sounds like borderline in a lot of ways beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts indicated by five or more of the following but it’s different than borderline so I just want to be very clear about that. The borderline remember, borderline personality disorder when it starts sliding down the spectrum has got traits of all the major personality disorders so they can be dependent they can be terrified of making a decision because they’re afraid of being abandoned. So um, number one has difficulty making decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others so in other words, you know a healthy normal person can walk into a store try on a pair of pants and go “Yeah, those are the ones!” or “Oh no! That makes…Lord what is happening to my butt!” You know seriously so they can make a decision not a problem it’s like Yes, I’m gonna buy these pants are good or God no. With somebody with dependent personality disorder, they need to get everybody’s opinion the sales clerk’s opinion, their friend’s, opinion, their parent’s opinion their… they can’t just walk in and just be confident in their choice of Okay, done, you know, etc. This is what I want or no, this is not what I want, etc. So they have to have an excessive amount of advice and reassurance that they’re making the right choice. Why? Because people with dependent personality disorder were probably raised by Narcissus they were probably raised by an abuser and abusers are notorious for rubbing our noses in things that we got wrong.

So, this is where avoidant personality disorder also comes in. And dependent personality disorder also comes in because if you were raised by somebody that’s constantly rubbing your nose in what you did wrong, you’re going to learn to either A. Not make a choice at all and avoid it. Or, you’re going to ask for everybody’s opinion on it to make sure you did the right choice so that you don’t get into trouble. So, there is that Okay, number two needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her own life. So, they abdicate they just abdicate I can’t do this I’m a victim I can’t! I don’t have the ability I… you know, I’m not strong enough I’m not smart enough. I don’t you know, whatever. So, they abdicate they abdicate being parents, they abdicate responsibility they don’t get a job they don’t you know, it’s kind of along those lines that really bad 1930s kind of romance thing where usually the woman says I can’t think any more you have to think for both of us. What no! With a side of no and an extra helping of no and oh my God, no! So yeah, they abdicate they abdicate responsibility for most major areas of their life. Three has difficulty expressing disagreement with others now this is sounding a little bit like codependency now remember codependency is not in the DSM five it’s not it should be it’s not but it’s it’s not in there but it exists You and I have seen it we have it we see it you know we’ve had to work on it with the Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker. So, this has a little bit of the codependency and it has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because fear of loss of support or approval.

Kris Godinez  08:49

Okay, now this does not include fear of retribution because that’s what happens in abusive relationships there’s a fear of making you know waves because you know, the abuser is going to beat you harm you hurt you put you down, you know, throw you around, etc, etc, etc. So that’s a little different.

Four has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own because of a lack of self confidence in judgment or abilities, rather than a lack of motivation or energy. So oftentimes, when I work with survivors of abuse, they will be terrified of doing things on their own going out to dinner by themselves, you know, making a choice at a restaurant by themselves Why? Because the abusers oftentimes order for their targets of abuse and it gets to the point where they literally don’t know what they want. You know, they couldn’t tell you what they like what they don’t… like they’ve, they’ve abdicated so much to the abuser that they no longer know themselves. So yeah, they, they fear going and doing things by themselves. “Well, I’ll look silly. People will look at me. I can’t go to The gym by myself people will look at me!” Yeah, you can go to the gym by yourself because nobody cares trust me on that one! So one thing I did recommend to a client that was terrified of going out and, and either working out or going to a restaurant or things like that go to someplace where you are not you know in a huge room go to like you know one of those walk up stands you know a truck okay? Nobody’s going to notice that you’re by yourself there’s a lot of people out there by themselves a lot of business people go and eat at the food trucks etc. etc. etc. or if you’re terrified of working out and you’re afraid of people looking at you do an exercise where people are not looking at you. Yoga. Nobody’s looking at you, trust me on that one. You’re we’re too busy trying not to kill ourselves putting ourselves into downward dog especially if you’re my age. So, you know or Pilates. Pilates you’re usually on your back looking up at the ceiling and you’re not paying attention to what other people are doing you know so do things that you can do that this doesn’t start going ‘Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! What if? What if? What if?” The truth of the matter is, is most people are so wrapped up in their own heads and their own lives, they’re not paying attention to other people, they really aren’t. I know for me when I’m doing Pilates, I’m so focused on not doing anything to harm myself that I’m not paying attention to what other people are doing I’m paying attention to you know, lifting the muscles and making sure I’m using my core and you know things like that so yeah, it’s a good idea to do something that’s going to be not… because if you go to one of those gyms, I know I’m going off on a tangent bear with me. If you go to one of those gems where it’s a meat market Yeah, they are looking at each other. Yeah, they are wearing full makeup while they’re working out on the treadmill that happened in LA all the time and I’m always sitting there going girl you’re not here for the workout Are you You’re here for a different kind of workout. Hmm. So yeah, you don’t want to, you don’t want to go to a gym like that, go to a gym where people are so focused on working out that they’re not paying attention other people don’t go to one of the meat market ones. No, no, that’s yucky. No, no.

Okay, um, number four has difficulty initiating projects. Oh, I said that one. Okay, number five, goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant. That does sound like a little bit like codependent so codependency we go over and above in order to get approval from whoever that we’re okay. Okay, so here’s some like the contrast and comparison there’s a little bit of codependency in this a lot not so. Um, okay, feels helpless or uncomfortable when alone we talked about that because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for him or herself or being afraid of being made fun of because what narcissists do what do abusive parents do, they make fun of their kids. Ask me how much I like those parents. Yeah. I don’t like them at all. So yeah, they do that and then that causes people to be afraid of being made fun of urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends

Kris Godinez  13:14

So that does happen to survivors of abuse, they get out of one relationship and without working on themselves they dive right back into another one because they cannot stand the idea of being alone with themselves because these thoughts are no bueno. So, this does sound a little bit like borderline as well, which is interesting. And you know narcissists do the same thing. They can’t stand not having a supply their reasoning is they need supply. Borderlines reasoning is they can’t stand being alone because they need that support because the thoughts are so mean to them. And dependent it’s the same thing they’re afraid of being alone. What’s, what are the thoughts? What are the thoughts?

Number eight is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of him or herself. Okay, so that’s dependent personality disorder. Now let’s talk about codependent Now if you notice, it all starts kind of you know, sounding like oh, well this sounds like borderline this sounds like narcissism this sounds like codependent, etc, etc, etc. With both borderline and narcissism. When they slide down towards the malignant end of the spectrum, it’s no longer just traits of okay? They are actively harming other people. They’re enjoying it. They’re, you know, dark triad for the Narcissists. They’re getting down to that Witch and Queen area for the borderlines, all of the personality disorders literally start over lapping and they have traits of all of them. So, it is interesting that you see similarities between those So okay, where do I want to go next? Okay, I want to….. I need to turn down the sound because it Just buzzed in my ear.

Okay um I want to go to codependency because I talked about dependent personality disorder excessive dependence on others needing to be taken care of submissive or clingy fear of having to provide self-care, lack of self-confidence, difficulty starting or doing projects, difficulty disagreeing with others, fearing disapproval, tolerance of poor or abusive treatment. When the other, when other options are available. urgent need to start a new relationship when one has ended. Okay. All right.

So, let’s go to codependent doo, doo doo. Okay, so again, I found some really cool articles. So, one is on and this is a couple of years old. This is on elephant journal and it’s called let me find the title of it. Harley Quinn and ending the stigma we have about abuse targets they say victims I like the word target. So, let’s talk about Harlequin. Harlequin is honestly one of the best examples of codependency I’ve ever seen in popular literature. Because Harlequin was a obviously character comic book character, marvelously done by Margot Robbie, she’s just amazing. If you have not seen the newest Suicide Squad, I highly recommend it. It is violent, but she’s just, she blows my mind. Anyway, she’s a great actress. Anyway, Harlequin in the comics was a psychiatrist, and she was treating the Joker at the Arkham Asylum thing. And he started getting in her head. And he started love bombing. And he started you know, telling her how great she was and how fabulous she was. And but then as soon as he knew he got her the devalue and the discard happened. And at the end of one of the arcs of the I think it was the television that the Huh, what am I trying to say the animated television show? At the end of one of the arcs of the animated television show she outdoes the Joker she’s actually smarter than he is she’s actually better guess being a villain. And she was able to pull off this this crime, you know, to kill Batman, and she was better at it than he was and you in a healthy relationship. If your partner out does you you cheer for them. You’re like, go you you’re fabulous in that relationship, because he’s obviously a psychopath, antisocial psychopath. Dark triad. Everything bad, is the Joker. When she does that  he becomes enraged and screams at her and tells her how stupid she was that she ruined it all and it was all her fault. And then he throws her out of a window. And the sad thing of it is, is that at the end of that episode, there was Harlequin and a bloodied mess on the floor on the ground, and she’s sobbing and she says I didn’t get the joke. It’s my fault. I didn’t get the joke. That’s heart breaking. And then she goes about becoming less than you know, she’s

she’s the joke now she’s she’s stupid, you know, and she allows the Joker to be the smart, brilliant mastermind, whatever.

Kris Godinez  18:26

So, it’s, it’s a codependent relationship in that she’s constantly trying to make him okay. She’s constantly trying to make sure he’s taken care of she’s constantly trying to make sure that his wants his needs, his desires, his plans, his brilliance, his you know, whatever, is all taken care of. And later on in the series, he once she’s in the hospital, he then starts sending her flowers. After he did the devalue in the discard, so he did the Hoover. So, it’s the, it’s the abuse clock all over again. So, it blew up with her, actually showing him that he wasn’t the smart one. He wasn’t the greatest thing ever that she actually had as much or more smarts than he did. Then he devalued and discarded her threw her out of a window she took all the blame. Ooooh, does this sound familiar? Current recent events you know, Gabby Pettit perhaps you know she took all the blame put it on her goes into the hospital is maybe thinking about maybe leaving him maybe you know who knows that thought might have crossed your mind. And then he starts love bombing again, sending her flowers lots and lots of flowers, lots and lots of flowers. So, the love bomb started all over again. So that is a great example of codependency and she stays, she stays with him. And it’s not because she’s, you know, a bad person or anything else like that. It’s because something in her past has informed her that this as normal This is love and that is not love! So love isn’t painful. Let me…. please get this and please share these videos with as many people as you can because if you know somebody who’s in a relationship like that they need to get Love does not hurt. Love does not hurt ever, ever! If it hurts, it is not love. It’s abuse. It’s dysfunctional. It’s toxic, it is not love. Okay, so somehow somewhere in her mind this was okay somehow somewhere she childhood stuff I don’t know. But in her mind even though she was a brilliant psychiatrist she fell for the psychopath and she became literally a different person Harley Quinn so um yeah, it’s, it’s has to do with self-esteem. People who love themselves don’t put up with that kind of abuse. And once somebody has harmed them, you know, you give them the opportunity to make amends. But if they don’t, if they’re not honest and truthful, then yeah, you’re done.

So, let’s talk about the six hallmarks of codependency Okay. Um, all right, and this is on psychology today. This is called the six hallmarks of codependency they have an excessive we have an excessive and unhealthy tendency to rescue and take responsibility for other people. And this is the biggest mistake we make when we are involved with an abuser. So just like Harlequin, oh, it’s all my fault. Just like Gabby Pettit. Oh, it’s all me, you know, we have a tendency to do that, instead of going, No, this is their stuff, this is them, we have a tendency to take on the responsibility for the emotions, for the behaviors for the actions for the whatever for their happiness. I can’t tell you the number of times I have seen adult children sit on my couch, well, no more because I’m doing everything through video now but you know, get in front of me and tell me that it was their job to care for and make sure mom was happy or dad was happy, or that the siblings were happy or that you know, they had to care take the siblings. So, codependency generally comes from different from dependent personality disorder. Codependence generally can make decisions. But the problem of it is, that every decision they make is based on how it’s going to help somebody else and not how they’re going to take care of themselves. So, we become codependent, when we have a family or a family member that is absentee, neglectful abusive, alcoholic drug addict and we end up having to care take them or we end up having to care take them, be parentifide and take care of the younger siblings. So that is where we get this codependent feeling of, I have to take care of other people, I have to do things for other people, I can’t do anything for myself. And if somebody does something for somebody who’s codependent, they immediately want to turn around and do that for them. So, it’s like they can’t just accept the gift of whatever’s being given. You know, it’s like, oh, no, no, no, no, I need to do this for you, too. Oh, no, no, no, I need to do this. No, you need to accept it and just enjoy it seriously. So that is where codependency comes from is from be parentifide, and having to care, take the parent care, take the other kids care, take other family members, etc, etc, etc. We are trying to save ourselves by saving the family. I know.

Okay, number two, derive a sense of purpose and boost the self-esteem through extreme sacrifice to satisfy the needs of others. So, we do that. So how many times has the abuser

Kris Godinez  23:56

walked in and taken something that was ours and we just let them do it? You know, because they wanted it? Oh, well, they must need it more than I do. Or they must want it more than I do. So, what I’ve seen in cases of abuse in an in a romantic relationship is the spouse the, the codependent spouse will get a bonus or an inheritance or something and the abuser will swoop in and go I want that and the codependent spouse goes okay, and hands it over. Or if the codependent spouse buys themselves something nice the abuser swoops in. How dare you and then they feel guilty. Hello, fear, obligation, guilt, fear, obligation, guilt, the fog, and then they turn around and either give that to the abuser or they go buy the abuser, something similar. Okay? Because narcissists are like two year olds, if you have something they want it too, or better. So, the codependent instead of drawing a boundary and going No, this is my inheritance that I got from my mother or my father or no, this is the bonus that I got. I’ve been working for I’ve been saving up for this thing for myself you know drawing a boundary instead of being able to do that they give in and they give the abuser whatever they want because they’re terrified of the abuser being vindictive retribution etc. etc. etc. So, there is that!

Hold on let’s go back. Okay, number three choose to enter and stay in lengthy high-cost caretaking and rescuing relationships despite the cost to themselves or to others. So they’ll get involved with somebody and I’ve heard this 100,000 million times and it kills me every single time I hear it well but they deserve love too. Well yes, technically everybody on the face of the planet deserves love. Love is the highest power. However, if they are a covert narcissist, okay, covert narcissists are the ones that do the whole covert narcissist and hermits borderlines are the ones that do the martyr… I do all of this for you, you never do anything for me victim, victim, victim, victim, victim, you know, you don’t treat me well blah, blah, blah, and when in fact the codependent is treating them like a king or queen so they stay in these relationships trying to get this approval from this person that’s never… listen to me now, believe me later. Never going to approve and it always the bar gets raised you know you do 100,000 million things for them they’ll want 100,000 million and one. You know, so they get involved in these relationships thinking it’s just around the corner so that intermittent positive reward, that addiction aspect to it “Well but, you know they were they were nice to me once so you know I can feel it they’re going to be nice again it’s going to change.” It’s just like a gambling addict you sitting at the slots going “Oh it’s gonna come any minute! You know “The jackpot is gonna be here any minute! It’s gonna be here any minute!” And never comes up. So that is what good lord Mystique! That is what we do as, as codependence is that we keep hoping or waiting for, for the jackpot, for the payoff, but it never comes because they’re always dangling that carrot in our, in our face, okay.

Let’s go back to the other hallmarks, okay? regularly try to engineer the change of troubled, addicted or under functioning people whose problems are far bigger than their abilities to fix them. So, codependency the term codependency really came out of, it really came out of addiction. And it was to describe the enablers who were helping the alcoholics, drug addicts, etc. But they really weren’t helping, and they were killing themselves trying to help them. So, for example, they will oftentimes in addiction, you know, send them to rehab, after rehab, after rehab, after rehab, after rehab, and they just don’t stop. Why Why aren’t you stopping? Well, I can’t have them fail.

Kris Godinez  28:10

You can in fact, you need to in addiction you have to and if somebody is unwilling to pick up the mantle and go help themselves, you literally cannot help them, you literally can only help people who are willing to help themselves you cannot… listen to me now believe me later. You cannot help the unwilling. Let me say that again. You cannot help the unwilling. If they’re getting a payoff from being a victim, or from being a bully, they’re not going to change, they’re not and what I hear, and the heartbreaking thing I hear from parents of addicted children is “Oh my God! I can’t let them be homeless! Oh my God! I can’t let them fail! No, you have to. You have to. That’s the only way some people get better. Some people’s rock bottom is death, it is. Other people’s rock bottom is they get a DUI, “Oh my God, that’s enough I’m done!” Or other people’s rock bottom is losing family and friends. Some people never get it, it’s a matter of thirds. So, like a third of people go into recovery and they get it and they stay clean and sober. Another, I have yet to meet those people…. Another third of people you know, get into recovery, relapse, relapse, relapse, relapse, relapse and finally get clean and sober and another third just never, never get it and they just keep failing and keep going down the hole. You cannot help people that don’t want to help themselves. You can only help the willing and it’s the same thing in therapy and I tell new therapists this all the time is never work harder than your client your client is got to want to get better and if they really want to get better, they’re going to do the work and I talked about that in the book, So You Want To Be A Therapist, because a lot of people you know it’s like but, but, but no, I know you want everybody to be okay. I want everybody to be okay. Wouldn’t that be great? Wouldn’t it be great if everybody was okay because then I could retire and own a b&b on a beach somewhere Victorian haunted, that would be so cool. Anyway, good haunting, not scary, haunting, little old lady that makes bread anyway, the point being is that people, you can’t help somebody that doesn’t want to change.

Narcissists don’t want to change, they don’t, they tell you they do. But the only time a narcissist ever goes to therapy is if they’ve been forced to by the courts, they are being forced to by family, or they are being forced to by the spouse and they won’t stick with it, they go for like, three times. And as soon as the therapist goes ah, what’s your part in this, they go screw you and they’re out of there. So Alright, hold on, we’re running out of time.

Ah, okay, um, okay, have a pattern of engaging and well intentioned, but ultimately unproductive, unhealthy, helping behaviors such as enabling, and what ends up happening. And this is the sad part is the person you’re trying to help ends up resenting the living crap out of you, you will lose them in the end, you will, because they didn’t really want to change in the first place, they didn’t really want to get help in the first place. They see that you see that they’re not healthy, functioning, whatever, they start getting really resentful, and you will lose them in the end.

So, one thing I said I wanted to talk about before we dive into the questions because we are going to get to the questions but I wanted to talk about this first. Um, one thing I wanted to talk about was when to codependents get together. So initially, when two codependents get together, it’s kind of like I don’t know if you remember the Jungle Book, the old one, the, the cartoon one. And the vultures are all sitting on the tree. What do you want to do? I dunno. What do you want to do? I don’t know, what do you want to do? It’s kind of back and forth forever because everybody’s afraid to make a decision because they don’t want to piss off the other people. So that kind of happens in the beginning, but as the relationship goes on, and one member of the codependent team starts making themselves small in order to make the other person happy and always giving up to their… well, where do you want to go to dinner? You know, and never being able to allowed to make where they’re going to go to dinner, what they’re going to do or whatever, the resentment starts building, the resentment starts building and eventually it starts bubbling and then that’s when people end up on my couch. So usually at a point when it’s too late, so and this is the thing that kills me it’s like codependents have this and we all do it because Hello recovering Hello, you know, um, we have this desire to people please which is why I’m saying Harriet Braiker The Disease To Please read it. Melanie Beatty Codependent No More. Sherry Thank you. Melanie Beatty Codependent No More, Beyond Codependent No More. PM Melody has a book on codependency. We want to people please we want to make them happy we want to you know we want everything to be smooth and great and wonderful and awesome.

Kris Godinez  33:12

But then they don’t return the favor or or it just becomes this like analysis paralysis. I don’t know! What do you want to do? I don’t know, what do you want to do? The resentment starts building if we start going oh no, that’s okay. Yeah, no, that’s fine. A German food is fine when really you wanted Indian food you know that’s the time to speak up. But those little things start building and building and building and building and that’s when the resentment starts and that’s what kills a relationship so two codependents together is no bueno as well so you know in the beginning it’s all let me please you, let me please you, let me please you, let me please you, I don’t know what do you want to do? What do you want to do? But then eventually it’s like oh, no, that’s okay. Oh no, that’s okay. Oh no, no, I really don’t want that Oh no, no, I really don’t want that either. Oh, no, da, da, da, da, da and you start giving up little aspects of yourself and then eventually you get really angry because the resentment has built up so much because you haven’t spoken up for yourself you haven’t said no, this is what I want. You know, we can do this one week and we can do this the other week or you know, whatever. So, boundaries, boundaries, Disease to Please Harriet Braiker, Self-Esteem Workbook, Glen Schiraldi. That is the cure for codependency because people who love themselves stand up for themselves. Dependent personality disorder. Those are the professional victims; they never make a decision. They can’t decide for themselves, they need an exorbitant amount of reassurance. So again, therapy and it’s probably because of trauma. Guarantee it probably came about because of trauma that caused them to second guess themselves to the point where they are now stuck. So there that is Alright, let’s dive into the questions.

Okay. Isn’t this kind of dependency and codependency connected to the lack of self-differentiation? Yes. So, when we are with an abuser Literally, by the time we’re done with that abusive relationship, whether it is a parenting relationship, or whether it is a romantic relationship, or even a boss relationship, we lose who we are, we no longer know who we are, and our boundaries become so blurred, that we don’t know where we begin and end and where that romantic relationship begins and ends, or where that familial relationship begins and ends. So that’s why it’s really, really important self-esteem, boundaries, deal breakers, these are all ways to differentiate yourself, to have a clear boundary from who you are versus who they are, you know, so that you know what your wants and needs are. So very often I have people sitting on my couch after the end of an abusive relationship. Where’s My Water? There it is. Thank you. Okay. Sorry, oh. And they will tell me, I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t remember what makes me happy. Because they lived for so many. days, weeks, months, years, some cases decades, trying to make this person who will never be healthy, who will never be happy, who will never approve, to be healthy, happy to approve. And so, they’ve lost who they are. It’s like, I don’t know who I am. And I couldn’t even tell you what I like to eat. That literally happens. So yes, differentiation. It’s like beginnings and endings, where you begin and end, where they begin and end. Boundaries, boundaries, super important self-esteem, super important. Basically, everything literally boils down to self-esteem. Work on your self esteem work on the mirror, “Hi! Good to see you! Have a great day! You know what? I give you permission to say no!” And then listen to what the internal critic does. If the internal critic pops up and starts screaming at you, demeaning you, that’s what you need to work on. Thank you for your input. Shut the Bleep up. Why? Because I say so! I am the boss of this. This is not the boss of me. I get to say no. Why? Because I say so. I am the boss. And you reaffirm that and you do that as many times as you need to. So, boundary drawing, self-esteem is huge. Go back to finding out what you like to do. What did you used to like to do before you got involved with the abuser? Or when you were a kid and you were in the crazy family? What was it that you used to like to do? What did you used to enjoy doing that they didn’t touch that they couldn’t get ahold of, or maybe they did get a hold of it, but you used to like to do it before they got a hold of it. Go back to doing that. So, this is why I tell people it’s never too late to have a happy childhood. Go fly kites.

Kris Godinez  37:53

Oh my god, I love flying kites. When we lived in Oregon, we went to the beach, we went to Cannon Beach all the time. And I would fly kites there and it just made me so ridiculously happy. Because that’s what little kids like doing. So, get back to the things that make you happy. Get back to doing the things that bring you joy. Try coloring, coloring books, oh my gosh, one of my girlfriends had two little kids. And so there was a you know, cocktail party, etc, etc. I went off with the little kids and we sat there we drawed. Oh, good grammar Kris. We drew in the comic book or the coloring book. And it was so much fun. And it was so relaxing. There’s a reason why there’s a whole bunch of adult coloring books out because it’s relaxing. It’s fun. You know, so do that. Do things that bring you joy. Do you like miniature golf? Go do miniature golf. Do you like bowling, go do bowling. What are your favorite foods go explore what you want, what you enjoy. Experiment with going out to dinner by yourself. Tell this voice to shut the Bleep up and to go pound sand when it’s like oh my god, people are looking at me blah, blah, blah. No, they’re not. I’m gonna have the salmon, thank you, you know or whatever. So go and do things that challenge you that expand your boundaries that expand your you know, if you’ve made your world super small, go expand it back out again. Go try new things, go do new things. go explore. Figure out what you want. What is important to you, what makes you happy, what brings you joy.

Remember, narcissists do not feel the way we do. They don’t they don’t experience love or joy or happiness or anything else the way a healthy normal person does. And when they see somebody experiencing a healthy normal emotion, whether that’s crying or anger or joy or happiness or whatever. They come unglued because they can’t feel it. So, they try to take it away from us. They’ll take over hobbies, they’ll take over what we like to eat, they’ll take over cooking, they’ll take over whatever brings us joy. They’ll try to take it away from us so your job once you get out of an abusive relationship is to go remind yourself what you used to like to do and what you do like to do that you haven’t done in years because of the abuse. So, get back to that. I hope that answered the question.

Um, the behaviors under dependent personality disorder sound like they could have been induced by abusive treatment? Yes, absolutely. If so, isn’t it more like a set of learned behaviors that can be unlearned than a typically hard to treat disorder? Yes and no. So, think of it this way, if it was learned under abuse, and they were itty, bitty, little itty, bitty ones, okay, it’s the same thing with borderline they started being abused when they were itty bitty. And so those fears, fear is a very powerful motivator. It’s a very powerful deterrent. It’s a very powerful, it’s a powerful emotion. It is, um, you have to undo all of those fears. You have to undo all of those mistaken thoughts, you have to undo all of those mistaken beliefs. So, if you find yourself with dependent personality disorder, if you find yourself constantly being terrified of making a choice, or making a decision or whatever you’re going to want to get with a good trauma therapist absofreakinglutely. Yes, it is based in trauma. Most personality disorders are, not all of them. Not all. Narcissism is not based in trauma. Don’t let them BS you with that. They do. They try. They’re like, Oh, I had a traumatic trauma. No, you didn’t. So don’t get me started. So, but most of them like borderline, dependent, avoidant, OCD. Those are all based in trauma, all of them schizo affective, schizo schizotypal. Not, you know, but the borderline, the avoidant, the dependent, the OCD, yes, those are all based in trauma, if you have any of those, get with a good trauma therapist and start working on the trauma. And that’s going to actually help you resolve all of the behaviors that are learned that are coming up out of that. So yeah, that’s why when anybody says they have any of those, I’m like, okay, here’s what we need to work on. We need to work on the trauma, we need to work on this, we need to work on boundaries, we need to work on self-esteem, we need to work on inner child work, inner child work, because that’s where the trauma happens. So that would be The Inner Child Workbook by Katherine Taylor. Now, some people because the trauma was so great, they don’t remember their childhood. That’s okay. You don’t have to, it’s enough to know that you don’t remember your childhood, which is a huge red flag. Oh, my goodness, looking like the Communist Party seriously is like a red flag. The trauma happened, okay, something happened, you may not remember it, and that’s okay. You can still work with it. You know, I don’t remember from ages, I don’t know, zero to six. But

Kris Godinez  42:50

then after six, I remember stuff. Okay. Well, something happened. We don’t know what yet. But we’re going to start assuming that something happened. And we’re going to start working through the inner child workbook and working on the self-esteem of that little four-year-old. Do you see where I’m going with that you start building the self-esteem, build the self-esteem, build the self-esteem, build the self-esteem, build the boundaries, build the love for yourself, that’s what’s important. So yes, it is trauma informed, and it is still hard to treat because fear, like I said, is primal. It is part of the fight, flight, freeze or faun, motivator. And if these behaviors have kept us safe, while we were growing up in an abusive relationship and abusive home, it’s going to be hard to get rid of them, but not impossible. Not impossible. So, but it does take a good trauma therapist working on the inner child, working on the trauma, working on building self-esteem, working on building boundaries. deal breakers. Yep, absolutely.

Okay, let’s see, um, how to get over the shame of having made myself smaller when I was in a codependent relationship. I keep remembering how people thought about me back then. Okay. None of us are who we were. None of us. All of us have made mistakes. All of us, if we’re codependent. All of us have made ourselves small in order to try to please the partner. Forgive yourself, sweetie, forgive yourself. We’ve all been there. done that. Hello. Hi, my name is Kris Godinez, and I’m a recovering codependent. Seriously, if that’s what you have to do, because that’s how we were groomed. That’s how we were raised. There’s a reason we became codependent is because it’s usually from having been in a family of origin, where we had to care to take, care give all the time. And we had to take care of people and this and the other thing, and then we take that out into our other everyday life. So, forgive yourself, forgive yourself. You didn’t know what you didn’t know when you didn’t know it. Now you know better. Now you can do better. So, you forgive yourself and if other people oh here’s Hmm, here’s a big one. If other people try to bring up your past and make you wrong for how you were in the past and go, Oh, well, you know you did this when you were in high school, or you did this when you were in grade school, or you did this when you were a young adult. That’s when you really got to ask yourself, what’s the motivation? What’s what, what’s, what’s their agenda? Because who else does that? Hmm, that would be I don’t know, Narcissists dragging up the past trying to put shame into your head over something you did 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 years ago. You always want to question the motivation of that person doing that. Why are they doing that? And when sometimes when people do that with me, like there’s a few people from my high school that when I have to go to high school reunions, they’ll try to do that, and I’ll look at them and go, Yeah, well, that’s not who I am anymore. Thanks for asking. And then I’ll buzz on off. It’s like I’m not playing your game. Thank you. So yeah, you just self-confidence is self-esteem. self-esteem is self-confidence. It really is. Boundaries is also self-esteem and self-confidence. So yeah, you want to ask yourself, what’s the motivation for dragging up the past and trying to embarrass you with it? Or if you’re the one dragging up your own past try to embarrass yourself for it. Who taught you the shame? Huh? Who taught us the shame? Abusers teach us the shame. Abuser shove their shame into our head and we think it’s ours. It is not! Hand the shame back to where it belongs CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. Chapter Three. I think it’s chapter three. I really need to go back and take a look at that book. Anyway. I think it’s chapter three. Putting the shame and the blame and the anger and everything else, the guilt back to where it belongs. It is not yours we do not pop out of the womb feeling guilty. We don’t! Yeah! Or shameful, we don’t, that’s taught that’s a taught behavior. So yeah, you want to forgive yourself. We all make ourselves smaller, every single one of us and we can heal and recover from being codependent. And how do we do that? We do the mirror work. We do the workbooks. We do the CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. We do the Self-Esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, we do The Inner Child Workbook by Katherine Taylor, we get with a good trauma therapist, we start working through our past, where did this come from? Why did I believe this, we get rid of the mistaken thoughts and the mistaken beliefs. And you do recover from it. You do! It takes work, though. And a lot of times, people will want to get help, but they’re not really wanting to do the work. And I have to explain to them it’s like, this is not osmosis, you’re not just going to have a session with me and suddenly, you know, you’re a healed you know, it

Kris Godinez  47:48

would be great if it worked that way. Wow. Wouldn’t that be cool that that would be cool. That would be cool. doesn’t work that way, though. The only, the last person did that got, got nailed to a tree. So, you know, you can’t, you can’t expect that. When you go into therapy, you’re gonna have to do the work. And that means having to confront and feel and work through the emotions and the feelings and the thoughts and the mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs that happened when we were kids. And some people are just like, No, no, no, no, no, I don’t want to do I’m just, I’m just gonna ignore it well, when we ignore things we’re not dealing with, but they’re still running in the background, like a broken code. Okay, like a broken computer. There’s something there’s some malware running in the background. And it’ll come out sideways, if you’re not aware of it, if you haven’t worked on it. That’s why I’m saying you cannot allow the fear. Remember, fear is a powerful motivator not to do things because we’re afraid. You cannot allow the fear to stop you from processing the trauma. That’s what you got to do. You got to put it back on to the abuser you got to get clear that headspace out of all the mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs, that the abusive family or the abusive boyfriend or the abusive boss or the abusive friends shoved into your head because they’re not yours. You’ve got to confront it, you got to work with it. And guess what, you can do it! You can do it. And then you have to ask yourself, okay, how old do I feel? Why am I terrified. A lot of times when I’m working with clients, I’m starting to lose my voice. I can hear it. Um, a lot of times when I’m working with clients, they will you know, express this I don’t want to feel it. I don’t want to think it. I don’t want to have to well, how old are you right now? And then right after they tell me to go pound sand. They’ll say I’m two. You know, I feel like I’m two. Okay. Well, that’s where the abuse happened. That’s why you’re terrified at your two-year-old is terrified. Let’s comfort them. Like why don’t you put your two-year-old on your lap and hold her or hold him and hug him and tell him how wonderful he is? Tell her how great she is. Tell her she’s safe. Tell him she said he’s safe. Tell them that they’ve got you’ve got their back there. Okay. Everything’s good. So that’s what you got to do. So, there is that okay. Hey um don’t don’t make yourself feel shame if you feel shame put it back on the abuser and remind yourself you know we do what we can we do the best we can with what we’ve got at the time. And then afterwards, you know, now that we know better now, we can do better. Forgive yourself, forgive yourself.

Okay. codependents and Narcissus can both have a savior complex, how do they approach being a savior differently? different motivations? So, remember, a narcissist is never really truly interested in another person. They look at it as to how they can aggrandize themselves so those are the ones who do the charitable acts, but then they make sure to tell everybody all of their charitable acts, okay people who are really interested in doing charitable acts, don’t feel the need to go on to Facebook or YouTube or I don’t know what other social media Twitter, Instagram what’s the other one Snapchat? You know all of these you know things and go look at me, look at me, look at me, look at all these charitable acts that I’m doing. No, they’re doing it for self-aggrandizement. So self-aggrandizement. So, with a codependent is their wellbeing depends on the other person being okay I need to make sure you’re okay. I need to make sure this is good I need to make sure the family is working remember that’s kind of the original motivation for the whole codependency so it’s all about the other person making sure they’re okay so they can be okay whereas with the narcissist it’s Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at what I’m doing. Look at all my good charitable acts bla, bla bla, so there’s that, okay. All right. Um, and of course, here’s the thing, a narcissist will never put themselves out. Ever, they will never put themselves out. One of the defining acts of codependency is, the codependent will put themselves out to the point where they keel over, in order to help, Narcissists will never go out of their way for a single living creature on this planet, if it puts them out of comfort, they’re not going to do it. So that’s the difference. All right, um, let me take some more water because my voice is really going oh my god.

Okay, um, how to deal with a friend who purposely trauma dumps? Is there something specific I should pay attention to? With this personality type? Well, okay, I’m assuming that you mean and correct me if I’m wrong, I’m assuming that you mean that the person you know, comes and tells you all of their problems, okay. So people do that, not realizing

Kris Godinez  52:46

how hard it is on the listener. So, if you got to tell him to get a therapist, you know, if they start trauma dumping on you, you’ve got to be like, Look, I love you. I want to be here for you. However, this is a boundary. This is what you do all the time. You need to go talk to a professional, I am not a therapist, I can’t help you. A trauma therapist can help you. Right now, all you’re doing is you’re just regurgitating everything that’s happened. You need steps to help you keep moving forward so that you don’t keep living in the past. And if they come unglued. They may be like, well, you’re not a real friend, blah, blah, blah. But I’m sorry, if a friend walked up to me and said you should probably go see a therapist, I would go Okay, and go see a therapist. So, you know somebody who trauma dumps all the time generally is not interested in change. So, people who are interested in change, ask questions, what can I do about this? Can I change this? Can I help this? You know, what, what do you think I should do? And then you know, you can give them your opinion. But if they’re just coming and going, you know, and just vomiting all of this trauma all over you but not doing anything not working a workbook not seeking therapy, not doing anything to better themselves, then you need to stop because now that’s enabling them because now they’re just victim, victim, victim, victim, victim, and you don’t want that and they may or may not stick around, you know, because again, if they’re covert Narcissus, and they’re the constant victim or if they’re the hermit borderline, and they’re the constant victim, there’s a payoff for their behavior and if you’re not giving them the payoff, then why should they stick around? So, you have to be prepared to lose that friend so you recommend that they go get trauma therapy, recommend the books and if they don’t do anything to better themselves, then you know that they’re not interested in change. They’re just interested in being a victim and just vomiting all over you so you don’t have to take that you absolutely don’t boundaries. Boundaries. Okay.

Okay, this is going to be our last question because I am losing my voice. Can some people become codependent because we wrongly internalize messages from our parents that they didn’t intend to give? Or is it always from hearing overt messages? No, we can internalize unsaid things too. I don’t believe in coincidences. I don’t. So, parents can also give nonverbal you need to take care of me clues and that’s never a mistake. So yes, it can be nonverbal it can be over it can be covert. Absolutely. They can be both so yeah and basically again get with a good trauma therapist undo the mistaken thoughts undo the mistaken beliefs You do not have to caretake everybody in order to be loved and that’s our big thing is that we think that if we care take them we’re going to be loved but really what ends up happening is we take over responsibility for them we kill ourselves doing it and then they get resentful. Yeah, no, it always backfires always so what you want to do is you want to work on self-esteem The Self-esteem Workbook Glen Schiraldi.  All the boundaries Harriet Braiker The Disease to Please awesome book. Inner Child work. Figure out how old you were when this all started The Inner Child Workbook by Katherine Taylor. Mirror work “Hi, good to see you! Have a great day! I give you permission to say no and mean it!” and then walk out. So yeah, alright guys, I am losing my voice quickly. Be good. Take care of yourselves. Drink plenty of water and I will talk to you later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Chris godinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.

The post Throwback Thursday: 10-03-2021 DEPENDENT VS CODEPENDENT appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Do abusers use the “self-harm” card to control and manipulate? How do you tell the difference between a real self-harm threat and one that is about manipulation? Do you have a working knowledge of the way abusers use verbal abuse and derail discussions about their behavior?

Did you know that abusers often need a “harem” of supply and will often intentionally not introduce a target to family and friends so they don’t get caught two-timing? If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a disrespectful eye roll and a dismissive “We’ve already talked about this!” then you have been an unwilling game participant of an abuser. Listen to this podcast on games they play so you can choose to opt out of their nonsense!

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Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Hi, guys, so um, let’s see announcements. So, I will be in Vancouver BC May 20. So go to krisgodinez.com and you can get tickets there. I will also be in Portland, Oregon, July 2, which is a Sunday. So go krisgodinez and get tickets there. Let’s see. Do I have any other? I think that’s it. I can’t think of anything else. All right. So those are the two dates I have right now.

Um, and current events. So, as you can tell, I don’t know if you can see this I went I went back to Disney. I went back to Disney. Yes, I went back to Disney after I said I would never go back. Happy Easter.  To everybody who celebrates. Um, so I went back to Disney because my buddy Andrea, we’ve been going for years. This is like our girls’ trip that we do, and we go to Disney. So, I’m happy to report extremely happy to report. The magic is back. The magic is back. Iger has righted the ship, it’s going in the right direction. The cast members were happy. They were helpful. They were funny. Oh my God, it was a 180 From what I went through in May. So, I will be writing a letter to Bob Iger to thank him. But what was interesting was the ones that would talk with us and kind of talk about the Chapek dark history that they had to go through… Chapek made fun of anybody who had emotions, about the company or about the parks or about the characters or anything. He’s the one that started the whole damming or bagging on the Disney adults. Well, I hate to break it to you, but the adults are the only ones that have the money to do this. Thank you for you very much, kids don’t. So, it was interesting, because as we were talking to the cast members, they were like, Oh my gosh, they’re paying us better. They’re treating us better. We’ve got our perks back, you know, Chapek was like, Oh, you get to ride for free. They thought that was a perk, you know, and took away all these other perks.

So, I’m happy to report Disney magic is back the only thing I don’t like is that they are still doing the Genie Plus which I don’t like because why should you have to pay extra on top of already being there and paying so that I’m not crazy about. Andrea signed up for it. We did it. It did save on the on the lines, but then for special rights, like Rise of the Resistance and Minnie and Mickey’s Railroad. Yeah, they charge an extra $25. So, I didn’t like that. But what was interesting was, like I said, is it the cast members, were saying the Chapek was making fun of people who had strong emotions, making fun of the cast members that were passionate about their jobs, making fun of the cast members that, you know, enjoyed, you know, being with the public and talking to them in the Disney adults and things like that. So, I would posit that Chapek sounds an awful lot like what we talk about every week, not understanding emotions just couldn’t get it. And that’s what they said the cast members like it was like he couldn’t relate. He couldn’t get it. He made fun of them. He talked down to people that were passionate or had emotions. And there’s only one type of person that I know that does that. And you and I talk about that every week. So, you know what I’m saying? It’s not a diagnosis. I’m just saying if it walks like a narcissistic duck, and quacks like a narcissistic duck in takes a dump like a narcissistic duck, you’re probably dealing with a narcissistic duck. So, the good news is he’s gone. It’s gone. It’s the magic is back. The cast members were wonderful. They were lovely. They were they were so nice. And it was so nice to be back in that. That magic. It really was. So anyway, that’s what I wanted to let you guys know. So that was that’s what I did this week. So that is my current events because honestly oops my battery is dying. Honestly, it’s The company got run down by somebody who wanted to make their mark wanted to be known for making all of these amazing changes and this that I’ve saved the company so much money well at the cost of really bad press. And that’s what that’s what people who are not emotionally cognizant do. So anyway, that’s all I’m going to say about that. So, you it’s safe to go back to Disney now is basically what I’m saying. So, there’s that.

Okay, let’s talk about the games that narcissists play. So, I had several people writing in and going, what is the difference between somebody who self-harms, because they’re having a hard time expressing themselves and somebody who self-harms, to manipulate. Two very different things. So, let’s talk about that. So self-harming cutting, you know, burning, doing things to hurt yourself, that kind of thing. There’s, there’s two ways of doing it. So, when somebody has a difficult time expressing emotions, cutting is often a way to express that emotion, it’s not a healthy way to do it. Not a healthy way to do it. But it’s what they do in order to get that emotion out. Usually anger, usually sadness, not knowing what to do with it. So, they cut, and it’s a release, okay? And big, big difference between the way the abuser uses it and the way that somebody who is unable to express their emotions uses it. So, someone who cuts and is unable to express their emotions, if you ask them why they cut it very often, they’re like, I don’t know. Because they have a hard time expressing what they’re feeling. And so, this is a way of helping them feel it’s also a way to feel alive for them. Okay, if there’s a lot of trauma, this is a way for them to feel alive. Okay. Not a healthy way, not a healthy way. So, with cutters that are doing it to feel they often if you if you ask them to point blank, why did you do that? I don’t know. You know, and or they have a hard time articulating. And it’s because they have a hard time articulating is why they cut so that they can feel, and they can get it out okay. With abusers let’s be 110% Clear. And also, to going back too cutters the cut because it’s a way to cope with things. There’s usually a lot of shame involved in it, and they try to cover it up. Like I had this one client that came in middle of summer now please realize in Phoenix here, it’s 120 freakin degrees in the middle of summer, covered up head to toe. The first question I asked is, do you ever self-harm? And she looked at me like how did you know? And I’m like, You’re covered head to toe, and it’s 120 degrees outside. Let’s talk you know, and so we started talking through the family history and all the trauma and this, that and the other thing so, but that is an indication people that you know, usually cover them up and have some shame about him, you know, because the family shames them. So, it’s a whole it’s a trauma response. Let’s be clear, cutting is a trauma response cutting is a trauma response. Healthy people are able to access their emotion kids that have been shut down. Kids that have been abused kids that had a lot of trauma. Oh my gosh, I’m going to sneeze oh, maybe not. Okay, um, so kids that have been shut down have a lot of trauma, they tend to cut so and so there’s a lot of shame about it because the family shames them on top of all the trauma don’t get me started. So, the way an abuser uses self-harm is that they are loud about it, and they will tell the family or tell the target of abuse.

Kris Godinez  08:47

I hurt myself because of you. I did this because you if you leave me, I’ll kill myself. That’s their line of absolute manuer. So um, they so it’s a completely different reason why somebody trauma response over here, intentionally manipulating over here and I think this is where you know, abusers really use that that gray area. Okay. So, a lot of people have a mistaken thought that people that cut are manipulative know, they’re trying to express themselves. The difference is, is that with an abuser, they will be loud about it. And you made me and you this and you if you don’t do what I want, I’m going to hurt myself. If you don’t do what I want. I’m going to kill myself. Okay. Do you see the difference? So, it’s a manipulation on the part of the abuser it is not a manipulation on the part of somebody who’s been traumatized. That’s covering it up and trying to hide it and you know, just doing it to feel basically, abusers don’t feel abusers don’t feel. So, they’re using that as a fear tactic.

So, what they will often do so like For example, if there is an abuser who is drug and alcohol user, okay? They’re their drug and alcohol user, they’re getting thrown out of the house or they’re being asked to leave. What they will do is they will turn to whoever is giving them shelter. If you throw me out on the streets, I’m going to kill myself. Because they’re using that guilt, fear, obligation guilt, fear, obligation, guilt on the parent on the sibling on the friend on whoever is giving them shelter at that time, because basically they’ve worn out their welcome, they’ve you know, broken all every rule, stolen things, etc., etc., etc. And so, the parent, the family, the siblings, the friends, whoever says, Okay, you must leave, here’s your date. Well, if you throw me out, I’m going to hurt myself. That’s manipulation. That’s a threat. That’s an ultimatum anybody who gives you threats or ultimatums….hell to the no that is a manipulation 110%. So that is one of the games that they play, is that if you don’t do what I want you to do, if you don’t, you know, take care of me if you don’t do this, if you don’t do that, I’ll hurt myself, way different than a trauma response cutter. Okay, huge difference. So, okay.

All right. Um, oh, and I also wanted to say in July, I’m going to have Tara Cote come on and she is a master at she does tattooing to cover scars and things like that. So, we’re going to talk more about that in July, because I want her to come on, and explain how that is done. Because people don’t want to have those scars. So, we’re going to talk about it wasn’t tattooing. It’s like a, I don’t know, she’ll explain it anyway.

So um, okay. So yes, narcissists threatened suicide. I just saw that pop up. I’m going to answer that right now. Yes, they threatened suicide. It’s a manipulation. Now, they will do superficial gestures. So, let’s be very clear here. They will cut themselves and say, Oh, I tried to kill myself. But I can guarantee you it’s a superficial wound, I can guarantee you it would not have led to death. I can guarantee so they do things so that they are either found, or that it’s superficial. So, and they’ll let tons of people know, I am now going to kill myself kind of thing. Usually with narcissists, It’s when they have borderline on board as well. But let’s be very clear, this is not a trauma response. This is them being manipulative, okay? Because you’re not doing what they want you to do. Do you see the difference? Do you see the difference? Now, if somebody is saying, I’m depressed, and I just don’t want to be here, get them help. Get them help get them to a suicide hotline, get them to a therapist, get them to a DBT therapist, a CBT therapist, any therapist, get them to a therapist. But if somebody is doing it as a manipulation, do what I want or I’m going to kill myself that’s intentional. That’s a manipulation. Their gestures tend to be superficial, they’re not or they’re do it so that they can be found. So, you know, it’s not, it’s not real. It’s a manipulation, fear, obligation, guilt, do what I want, or I’ll kill myself. That’s what abusers do. So, I wanted to address that.

There’s two very different cutters, okay. Cutters who come from trauma, it’s a trauma response, they generally have a lot of shame about it, they cover it up. They don’t want to talk about it. It’s a way to for them to feel, feel something. Because when you know this when you’re in an abusive family, and they’ve shut you down, shut you down, shut you down, you don’t feel anything. And sometimes you’re like, do I exist? Because you know, let me give you an example. When I was in high school, and my dad was doing his weirdness in high school. Sometimes I would walk down the hallway and go, am I real? Is this real? You know, do I exist? Is this…? Because I didn’t. I didn’t feel connected. I didn’t feel like in my body. I didn’t feel you know, anything really, except fear. So yeah, it’s a way to feel now I never cut because I’m a chicken and I don’t like the sight of blood. But I think if that had if it had gone on, I think I probably would have I as soon as because I was suicidal when I was in high school. I absolutely was I remember very distinctly one night climbing up onto the slide and looking out and just going, you know, maybe I should just off myself because I can’t take this anymore. So yeah, so when you’re in an abusive relationship, when you’re in an abusive family, you go numb, you absolutely go Numb. So, cutting is a trauma response. It’s a way to feel it’s a way to relieve stress. It’s a way to feel anger. It’s a way to feel whatever. But unfortunately, it’s internalized. So, we take it out on ourselves.

So, if there are any cutters out there, get to a good therapist, get to a good therapist or start working Self Esteem Workbook. Inner Child Workbook, really start working with trauma book CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving, because you don’t need to take it out on yourself, and it’s okay to feel and that is the big thing. Feelings are frightening for children and adult children who’ve had family that just smashed ‘em, you know, it’s like, if you had an emotion and they made you wrong for it, why would you have an emotion, it wouldn’t be safe. So, get used to, it’s okay. It’s okay to have emotions, it’s okay to feel you don’t need to cut, it’s okay. So, get to a good trauma therapist to work on that. See and that’s the difference because somebody who is cutting usually recognize this isn’t healthy, I need to do something and then they go get help when it’s offered. Whereas with a narcissist, they don’t they’re not doing it to, you know, feel they’re doing it to manipulate, and they don’t go to therapy. And if they do, they’ll go one to three times and then their peace out and they never come back. So, there is that, okay.

All right, other games that they play. So, this Okay, so the one on cutting I got from talk about Talking About Self-Injury. And this is written by Anthony D. Smith, he’s a licensed mental health counselor. And I talked about how, you know, the language of self-injury is if you ask them, they’re like, I don’t know, or I was stressed or, you know, that kind of thing. self-injury is not always suicidal for the ones that it is trauma based. Okay. So that’s, I just wanted to make that clear. Anyway, that was a good article on psychology today.

All right. Now, games that narcissist play three ways that abusers use verbal abuse to control and derail discussion. So, the name of the game basically with abusers is power and control, power and control and how do disordered people get power and control? Fear. Obligation. Guilt, Fear, obligation, guilt. So, um, all right. So that’s it. And that’s why they do the whole I’m going to kill myself if you don’t do what I want you to do, etc.

Okay. So, if you are in a discussions, this is a game they play, when you’re in discussions with them, you’re trying to point out to them what’s going on? Okay, first, it’s never going to work because they’re never going to hear it because they’re never wrong. So, they focus on the right time. Well, now isn’t the time to talk about it now is not the right time to talk about now is not good. Well, it’s never going to be good for them. So that’s a game that they play, and they make it they make you feel like eventually there will be a good time. And there never is. So, every single time you bring it up, it’s Oh, now is not a good time now is not a good time. All right, Deriding the repetition. So, you bring it up again to them. So, what do they do? They roll their eyes? Not this again. You know, as if you had discussed it, which you haven’t, because now is not good, right? So, they roll their eyes, they get nasty, they Oh, you’re bringing this up again. That’s the past.

Kris Godinez  18:19

One, well, if it didn’t get resolved, it’s in the present. But they won’t see that because they don’t want to discuss it. So, they get what’s the word? I’m looking for snarky. That’s one word. But they are looking down rolling their eyes, contemptuous. Their contempt, they have a lot of contempt. And so how dare you bring this up again? Right, even though it didn’t get resolved, how dare you bring this up? This again? What’s wrong with you this again, so they’re kind of flipping the script, which is another game they play. And, you know, we’ll be bringing this up again, as if it had been resolved and it hadn’t, and that’s gaslighting. So, they do that.

Sleight of hand the blame shift. And when they do this, they see it they do word salad. So, word salad is the this again, and you’re always doing this and, and you know, this is your fault. Boom, there’s the shift. So, it was like word salad word salad, boom, it’s your fault. So that is something to keep in mind and verbal abuse need not involve a loud voice. They can be very quiet about it. So, it’s not always yelling sometimes it’s like, really this again. You always do this to me. Why do you always do this to me? Now it’s not a good time. And you know what? This was your fault anyway. Whoa, what? What the actual? Oh my God. That’s what they do. That is what they do. So that is one verbal game that they play.

All right, why narcissists play games. It’s up out power and control, like every single article. So, here are some examples of game playing, being hard to reach or ghosting, demanding that you respond every single text instantaneously. And this is again on Psychology Today. This is who is this by Darlene Lancer LMFT. And this is called Why Narcissists Play Games with Your Heart going hot in cold pursuing, than distracting, such as becoming slowed or to return calls or texts, or only sending short impersonal texts. And this is for like romantic, I want to make that clear. making promises they can’t or don’t keep. So future faking. So future faking is huge with our all when we get married, will have kids will have this great little cottage with a picket fence and a fireplace and two dogs and a cat. And, you know, they future fake, they have no intention of doing that. Or they don’t talk about the relationship at all. And they don’t want to talk about the relationship and all they cannot commit. That is something else. They do lying or being slippery and hard to pin down. That’s another game they play, basically, and this is what I’m going to be talking more about next week is the pathological lying because people are like, I don’t understand how can they lie to my face? How can they do that? We’re going to talk more about pathological lying, we’re going to talk about what to look for how to how to spot a liar, basically. So that one is going to be called lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie. If their lips are moving, they’re lying. Maybe I should call it if their lips are moving. I think maybe that’s what I’ll do. If their lips are moving. They’re lying.

So, they play games like that they lie sometimes just to see if they can get away with it. Because remember, it’s power and control game. power. And control is the name of the game and fear. obligation and guilt is how they do it. Being very seductive and moving incredibly fast in the beginning, but then as soon as they have the person. The affection drives up. sex drives up, it’s gone. All right, refusing to discuss the relationship flirting in front of you. disrespectful, disrespectful. If you’re with somebody, you’re with somebody, you don’t take your glasses and go Oh, yeah. No, but they do. You know, they will actively in front of you ogle people flirt with them the whole thing. Why? Because they’re looking for their new supply, even though they’ve got the target. They’re always there. Like sharks, they’re predators. It’s like they’re always like, where’s my new supply? Where’s my new supply? Where can I get my new supply? Oh, look, there’s a new supply. And they’ll start and plus the fact they need a hero. They need a hero. They have a rotating list of people that they keep on the line. And they just go back through. So yeah, they did. dogface banana patch, honestly. Okay. Um, all right. To do to do okay, flirting in front of you, okay, hiding you from friends and family, they will not introduce you to their friends and family. That’s a huge red flag. And why? Because they don’t want to have to explain who you are. And they don’t want to have to explain why they’re introducing another person when they’ve got another person on the line. Do you see where I’m going with this? It’s all about smoke and mirrors. It’s all about camouflage. It’s all about. And so, what they do is they make the target of abuse feel less than, So the target of abuse goes, Hey, I’d love to meet your mom and dad. Oh, you know, no, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Blah, blah, blah. And then they keep putting it off. keep putting it off. You keep putting it off. And pretty soon the target of abuse is Am I not good enough to meet your mom and dad? What’s going on? How come you don’t want me to meet your family? How can we never hang out with your friends? Well, you’re their dirty little secret basically.

So, anybody who is unwilling after a certain amount of time of dating, to introduce you to their family and friends Houston there’s a red flag, there’s some sort of game playing going on. So, a lot of times these abusers are married, or they’ve got a girlfriend, or they’ve got some other supply over here, and they don’t want anybody else to know about the little harem that they have going on over here and this goes for female narcissists as well. So, it’s not just male narcissisrs that do this. Its females do this as well. So, anyone who’s unwilling to introduce you to their family and friends after a good amount of you know time yeah, that’s kind of a red flag you want to not kind of it is like withholding feelings, not being able to express them hello, or sex.

So stone walling. So, cutting you off stonewalling. I don’t I don’t want to talk to you. That’s a game play. That’s playing games because that’s getting you to do whatever they want. So, if you do something they don’t like, and they Stonewall, then that is a manipulation that is a way to make you hurt, so that you will be begging them for attention and so that when they you finally get their attention, you’re so grateful. You’re like, Oh, thank God. Because stonewalling activates the same. shunning activates the same pain centers as physical pain. So, it feels like being beaten up basically. Blaming you and playing the victim. That’s a game that they play Absolutely. 110% not being the first to call or text so they won’t be I cannot tell you the number of times. So, narcissists think that they are God. We know this, they seriously do. And they will not call family and friends. But then what they’ll do, and I’m thinking particularly of narcissistic in-laws, is that they will then be angry the next time you see them, Well, you never call me. You never write you never do this, you, you, you guns, that’s the game they play. So, narcissists never reach out, which is crazy, because they want the attention. But they don’t want to be the one to reach out to get it. So, they will wait until they see you in person and then make you wrong for not calling them. I cannot tell you the number of couples I worked with that had that going on with the in-laws that were narcissists. So yeah, they do the whole I’m too important to, Well, why should I call? I actually had one say that. Why should I call? Cuz the phone line goes both ways. Last time I checked, yeah. you hoser, you know what I’m saying? So, and that that was the BS, it was I’m too important to call. But you’re going to make them wrong for not no. So, no contact, no contact, no contact, if somebody’s playing that game.

Okay, so here are some more games that they play the narcissistic formula, You Get to Choose How You Lose. And this is by Jeremy E. Sherman a PhD. I love that title. I think it’s great. The narcissistic formula, you get to choose how you lose. So basically, here are some examples. Within my framing, you’re wrong frame it any other way. And you’re wrong. It’s like, they’ve got an idea about this. And if you say you know that you disagree with them. You’re wrong. That’s there’s no, there’s no.

Kris Godinez  27:46

There’s no give and take with a narcissist. There’s no back and forth with a narcissist, okay? They don’t have discussions, they have audiences, basically because they’re the king or queen. So, you can’t have a civil discussion with them and disagree with them. Because everyone literally has to think and believe the way that they do. I’ll give you an example. So, one time with a family member who I shall not name. I was making a grilled cheese sandwich. And some people make it with butter. I made it with mayonnaise. And because I made it with mayonnaise, this person would not leave me alone. Well, why are you making with mayonnaise? How dare you make it with I make it with butter. Okay, how nice for you. I do it with mayonnaise. And it was like, they couldn’t get it and it was driving him crazy that I did not do things the way they did. That is what narcissists do. And so that’s, that’s kind of an extreme example, but it’s kind of the same thing. It’s like you cannot have a differing opinion. You cannot have you know, on anything like from how to make a grilled cheese sandwich, to politics to religion to whatever.

Okay, number two, you lose because you didn’t meet my nitpicky standards. If I say you don’t meet them, you lose because you’re too nitpicky. What? Yeah, double standards galore. So, in other words, they’re nitpicky, you’re not good enough. But then if you say what they’re doing doesn’t, you know, meet your standards. Well, you’re too You’re too picky. You’re too this, you’re too that you’re too emotional. You’re too blah, blah, blah, hello. But to them, everybody around them has to be perfect. And that’s again, nobody’s perfect. Nobody is perfect. Considering all the framings mine’s the best because within my framework, my framing says it’s the best. So again, you can’t win. So, in other words, they’re like, you know, let’s say religion. For example. They’ll say, Well, my church says that you’re going to hell if you don’t believe that way, I believe. And if you can’t win you, you cannot win. Don’t try, don’t play. Don’t play. The best way to win is to not play!

My Passion for achieving greatness is the strongest, which proves I’m an expert on how to achieve greatness. If you don’t believe I’m the expert, just look at my passion. Anyone? Oh god. Yeah. So basically, it’s, yeah, it’s yeah. So, they’re basically saying, you know, they’re right. You know, I’m right in everything, everything you shouldn’t question me. How dare you? How dare you question. I know everything. And if I don’t, it’s irrelevant. So that’s another game that narcissists love to play is, I am the expert on literally everything right? You know, if you guys ask me a question, and I truly don’t know the answer, I will be like, I don’t know that. Let me go research it. And I’ll get back to you. Because I don’t know everything. I don’t. I mean, there’s some areas of psychology that are not my strong point. So, you know, yeah, yeah, it’s it. They are literally know it all. They know everything about everything. And half the time if you’re really listened to one of these Jack wagons, they’re talking out of their hind in, and they don’t know Jack diddly squat. But they figure if they do enough word salad, it sounds like they do. But you have to listen to the content, not just the context, you have to listen to the content. What are they really saying? Is it word salad? Does it make sense? Do they really know what they’re talking about? Oh, hell no. So yeah, that’s something that they love to do. I will get to the questions in just a moment.

Okay, so this is something that cult leaders do any law that hampers me proves that I serve a higher power. So, cult leaders will hide behind religion and use the religion as an excuse to abuse their kids, you know, Spare the rod spoil the child. I can’t tell you the number of times I heard that, and I was a kid. And I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard abuse survivors say that their parents you know beat the crap out of them and then said the Bible told them to Yeah, or some religion told them to I’m not picking on Christians. I want to be clear here. Abusers will use whatever religion suits their purpose. Okay? Whatever religion suits their purpose to abuse. Alright, so communal narcissists use that the cult leaders, you know, that kind of thing.

I always win because when I lose, it doesn’t count. So never play board games with these types. They will Oh, my God. This did not happen to me. But listening to my clients when they were kids that they had a parent that was narcissistic. If they played a board game, the parent would start cheating in order to win because they couldn’t stand losing like I kid you not like narcissist to them. It is like, they cheat at board games. Yes. Absolutely. it to them. It absolutely they have to win, and they will ruin it for the kids and cheat. And you know, upset the table if they don’t win. And in throw the board game around. I mean, the stories, the stories, and then people wonder why I loved going to Disney because I don’t have to think for days. That’s a wonderful thing. So um, yeah, they absolutely are terrible. Which is why when I hear that there are good parents out there the play board games with their kids, their kids love it, and they can’t wait to have board game night. That makes me so happy because that means that the parents are better adjusted, more adjusted, you know, and they know that it’s not everything has to be a win, right? So, you know, you win, you lose. That’s the way of life. Hello. So okay, so that I’m almost done with this, hang on, and then we’re going to get to the questions.

I always win. And if I lose, I win because I got your attention. So, they blow up, they have a fit, they throw things they whatever they get to live rent free in your head. My rash extremism is heroic, and challenging me is rash. So any challenge to them is considered a personal attack by them. And they will twist it word salad and then twist it so that it’s all your fault. So just keep that in mind. I know exactly what you should do. And if I fail, remember, no one knows anything. So basically, that statement is like, I’m absolutely right. I’m absolutely righteous. I know what’s best for you. You don’t know yourself. I know you better than you know yourself. I cannot tell you how dangerous that statement is. No, no, no. Oh, Aloha Pamela! No, you know yourself better than anybody else because you live with you 24/7 365 24/7 You know you better than anybody else. And that includes therapists because you live with yourself. That’s why a good therapist meets their client where they or, and goes into their, what they’re experiencing as opposed to let me tell you where wherever you know, you know, it’s like me now there are times when you have to be like reality check. But it’s like you meet them where they are, and the client knows themselves better than anybody else. The client knows themselves better than anybody else.

So, when a client comes to me and says, Hey, this book isn’t working, okay, let’s try this one. Because it’s not working for, I’m not going to sit there and be like, you know, it’s like, read it! Well, let’s find one that works, you know. So, abusers will come in and say, I know you better than anybody else. I know what you should do. And if it fails, oh, wasn’t my fault. Well, you obviously didn’t do it, right? What? Those are the mind games that they play so that no matter what happens, you are always wrong. Like, seriously, like, they will do that, you know, it’s like, I know what you should do, you should do this, you need to do this. You got to go do this. You better go do this. You go do it. It turns into a disaster. Well, it wasn’t my fault. You did it wrong. What? You know, it’s just like, when my dad forced me to go into cosmetology, he was like, well, you need a backup job. Okay, well, I can work as a secretary, I’d rather be doing that. Thank you very much. So, you know, he forced me to go into secret into, I’m sorry, into cosmetology. And, you know, it was like, Well, I know what’s best for you… And um, you know, looking back on it, I should have told him to go stuff it. Because that was not best for me. I did not enjoy it. And I had allergies and no, so yeah, they do that. No, they don’t know what’s best for you. They don’t know you, you know, you. You know you; you know you trust your gut work on trusting your gut work on acknowledging, yeah, my guts telling me something’s not right about this. Okay, I’m going to honor that. I’m going to listen to that. That’s what’s going to keep you safe. So. All right. So those are the games that they play. So, I hope that that was helpful. All right. Anything else? Any last thoughts on that? So, remember, I just want to recap.

Kris Godinez  37:11

With the self-harm. Generally, again, when its trauma based, it’s to feel so that they can release stress. And generally, if you ask them, they’re like, I don’t know, I was stressed, I don’t know. They’re having a hard time expressing themselves. With an abuser, you did this to me, you made me You made me That’s their favorite hue and cry, you know, or if you don’t do what I want, I’m going to go hurt myself. If you don’t do what I want, I’m going to fill in the blank. They’ll also use threats, let’s be very, very clear. If the more antisocial they are. They’ll also threaten you, you know, if you don’t do I want I will hurt you. So, believe them, if they make a threat like that. This is the thing about narcissists, psychopaths, Machiavellian, dark triad, they basically tell you what they are going to do, or how they are going to manipulate if you’re listening to it, but you have to be trained, you have to know that these are games, you know, you have to know that none of this is normal, or healthy or whatever. And unfortunately, our society does not teach the Yeah, this is how these people manipulate. Now, let’s get to the questions. So, there’s a big difference. So, this is to the ones that do it out of trauma, or to feel something because they’ve been smashed down so much that they don’t feel and it’s a way to feel, and it’s to relieve stress and things like that. And that can be worked on, which is good. Get to a good trauma therapist. When it’s a narcissist doing what they do is, I’m going to hurt myself, if you don’t do what I want you to do. If you don’t do what I want you to do, you know, oh, look, I hurt myself. It’s all your fault. Yeah, that’s what abusers do. It’s a manipulation. It’s fear, obligation and guilt. And they do that to force the parent or the partner, or the friend or whatever to toe the line. So, if there’s any sort of condition involved, it’s manipulative. Okay, over here, there’s no condition involved. They’re doing it to feel over here. There’s a condition involved. Does that make sense? So, there is that all right. Okay, so those are all the games, and I would seriously go look up those articles and read through them because that’s the games that they play. That’s what narcissists play in order to manipulate and control and to always be right. So, you know, and watching a person play a board game tells me everything I need to know about them. If they’re having fun, and it’s great. Okay, cool. This person is okay. If they’re, you know, angry and competitive and they have to win. Oh, Houston, we got a huge problem. You know what I’m saying? So there that is, okay.

Do narcs threaten suicide? Yes. My late narc. Mother was often threatening with suicide when I was younger. And when she was old, she kept saying She had enough wished she was dead to get sympathy. Yes, absolutely. It’s how do I explain this. So, it’s, it’s a way for them to get attention generally what I have found not always because every case is different. But in the cases where someone did attempt suicide, they didn’t say a word. They didn’t say a word, not a word. And with older people, when you know, they’re getting ready to kind of go like, crossover, they start giving away you know, really intensely personal items. That’s not suicide, that’s them getting ready to go, you know, like, pass on. So, they start giving away items but with somebody who is truly intent on killing themselves, they don’t they don’t tell people they don’t tell because they don’t want to be found. They don’t they don’t want to be interrupted. So yeah, so when some when narcissists do it again, it’s an ego thing. It’s a sympathy thing. It’s a look at me thing, it’s you know, and it’ll be a superficial gesture. If they do it. A lot of times, it’s all do it. I’m going to do myself; I don’t want to be here. Nobody loves me. I’m going to go to the garden and eat big, hairy, scary worms. You know, whatever. That’s kind of what narcissists do so, narcissists remember, they can flip back and forth between how they do their narcissism. So overt is over the top. Look, I mean, look, look at me. Covert is the victim. It’s the constant victim. Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me. You know, nothing is ever right. Oh, look, this went wrong. Oh, look, that went wrong. You know, they’re always talking about the negative and they’re always, you know, looking for sympathy. You know, pay attention to me, give me sympathy. Oh, poor you. That’s what they’re looking for. Those are covert ones. Communal ones, like I said, use religion. Any religion could be Buddhism. It could be new age, it can be I mean, there’s a whole bunch of cults out there that are new agey, and Oh, lord. Yeah, that communal narcissists that, you know, tell their followers to kill themselves and you know, drink Kool Aid and all this sort of stuff. So communal Narcissists Yeah. So, they can flip back and forth, depending on what gets them what they want. It depends on what works, basically. So, they’re manipulative in that they can flip literally, from overt to covert to communal.

So, if the overt stuff doesn’t work, they’ll flip to the victim stuff. Poor me. And then, oh, God told me, you need to do what I want. Because God told me, you know, that kind of thing, or Buddha or whoever. So yeah, they flip back and forth between whatever they think is going to get them what they want. And generally, the covert ones go for the sympathy. So, do they do this suicidal ideation? Yes, absolutely. If they do a suicidal gesture, it’s going to be superficial, because a narcissist cannot imagine the world without them. Yeah, they’re that narcissistic. You betcha. Okay.

Um, do narcissists. Say. You said certain things while they said it. Absolutely. Well, they said it themselves earlier in the conversation earlier in the day, it seems narcs accuse you of saying things saying things, especially in front of others, yes, that is gaslighting. So, they will have said something. Or they will say Oh, you never told me that when you’ve told them 100,000 million times, gaslighting Oh, I never said that. Oh, no, You never said that. Oh, they never said that. You know, they, they gaslight so that’s gaslighting and they will do it in front of an audience. So, remember, the more overt they are, the more they need an audience. They need somebody to cheer them on. They need somebody to play to, so they enjoy starting stuff in front of other family members. This is why family gatherings are often a minefield, I think, especially you know, Christmas, Thanksgiving, maybe Easter. But you know, which is today, but they need an audience. And so that’s why they will start. I mean, I can’t tell you the number of times my dad would out of the blue literally decide that he was going to hit me for apparently no reason. Just because I said something he didn’t like, or I don’t know, I looked at him wrong. I don’t know. In the middle of dinner, like a family dinner. He would just backhand me. And the one that comes to mind is we were we were eating outside. There was family over and he did it again. And I don’t know what I said that he didn’t like the boy howdy. He backhanded me and he was a big guy who’s six, five and he had hands like frying pans. And he backhanded me, and I was like yep, I’m done. And I went inside. I got my purse. I got my car keys and I started to drive off and my mother threw herself on top of the car. Couldn’t get any more dramatic than that. So yeah, they do. They absolutely they ruin they ruin be clear. They ruin family holidays. They ruin anniversaries, they ruin birthdays, they ruin everything because they can, and they can’t stand happiness. They love chaos. We talked about that last week. So yeah, that’s they do that type of thing. You betcha and they will say things you know, that’s gaslighting. Oh, you never said that. I never said that. They never said that. Blah, blah. I didn’t know you did. So yeah, that’s gaslighting. And they will go to their graves insisting that they that you said it when they did. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. They accuse and we’re going to talk more about this next week. They accuse people around them the target of abuse, especially of the very things that they are doing. So that’s why they’ll you know, you will know you said that I didn’t say that horrible thing. You said that horrible thing. Or, you know, I never you know, I never said that. You said that or use you said blah, blah, blah, and you never did you know, or I never I don’t remember saying this when they did you know, or they’ll accuse you of having an affair when they’re the ones having an affair. So yeah, there’s this whole gaslighting thing going on. They basically tell you what they’re doing by how they make accusations. You just got to listen and know what to look for. You know, it’s like, when you get accused of something like that. You’re so shocked. You’re like, what? No, I’m not. What are you talking about?

Kris Godinez  46:33

It doesn’t even cross your mind that hey, they just told you what they’re doing. But that’s what you got to look for. That’s what you got to look for. Okay, um, all right. And they do need an audience. Absolutely.

Okay, mommy, dearest texted me today with a photo of my narcissistic daughter and granddaughter saying she thought it was me. Instead of daughter. I’ve been no contact for 13 years with my mom any response are just No. No, if you’ve been no contact, do not resume contact. So, I think we talked about this a couple of weeks ago, they will out of the blue send you Hey, I miss you. Hey, how are you doing? Hey, I was thinking about you. Oh, here’s a picture of you when you were a kid, you know, they will do that in order to get you back in contact with them because you’ve been no contact for you know, a decade or more. So, they will do things like that do not respond, do not respond, do not respond. So yeah, they will. They will do that. They absolutely will do that. Okay. All right. Okay, there’s a question up there. I definitely want to…

How to deal with them turning everyone against you. Okay, so that is the smear campaign. I’m going to get to another question in just a minute. That is the smear campaign. So, here’s the deal. People who are willing to believe the worst of you do not deserve the best of you. So, if somebody is willing to believe the abuser and they’re absolute you don’t need them in your life. You do not need them in your life. I would start working the Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. I would start working the Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker. Get your boundaries up have your list of deal breakers in a deal breaker. real serious deal breaker is anyone who sides with the abuser is out. Like no second chances  bye now. Buh bye. Okay, you don’t need them in your life. So, turning everyone against you. If they’re turning family members against you, those family members should know who you are. And if they don’t, you don’t need them. Family is not always blood. Go make your own family if the family is disordered and they’re siding with the abuse, be done kind, go, no contact. Same thing with friends. Same thing with colleagues. Same thing with whatever it’s like you do No, we do not negotiate with terrorists. Okay. If they’re willing to believe the worst of you, they certainly don’t deserve the best of you. So be done.

Let them go. Write an angry letter. Dear Family friends, whoever that went with the abuser, bleep the bleep bleep bleep bleep out of bleeping BLEEP you go pound sand. You don’t get to live in my head rent-free one more second. Thanks for playing. Have a nice life and bye Have a nice life. I mean, go beyond sand. Trot it out to the barbecue. Read it out loud once burn it let it go and work on your self-esteem work on your list of deal breakers. No disrespect no lie. No siding with the abuser No cheating, no stealing, no gaslighting, no name calling. You know, those are all huge. Okay. So, if somebody is willing to believe the worst of you, they don’t get the best of you. There you go.

All right is a learned helplessness again, ab-so-freakin-lutely not being able to do anything themselves? Yes. Oh my god. Oh, thank you Sarah. Um, yes, it absolutely it is absolutely a game. Absolutely. It is a game. It is a game. They do know how to do stuff for themselves. They just don’t want to. So, my grandmother, Bertha, oh god, she was a nightmare. She was my mom’s mom. She was absolutely a narcissistic, POS. Abusive, not nice. didn’t like her. Oh my god. She lived with us from the time I was 10 until I moved out. So, she would constantly play the victim constantly. Oh, I’m so feeble, I’m so old. Okay. Because if you turned your back, she was moved around like crazy. She could get around; she could get around. She just was trying to make everybody wait on her. And she insisted on that she would demand that the entire family wait on her hand and foot and my mother did and I’m like What is wrong with you? She is out dancing when you’re turning your back. You know, I mean, seriously. So? Yes, they learned helplessness is absolutely a covert narcissistic way of doing that. It is a game. They do it to see if you’ll if you’ll play the game. Don’t absolutely do not and make them do it themselves. Absolutely don’t play the game.

So, something that got brought up is they do take away everything every relationship. The dog, the cat, the youngest brother, the youngest sister, the oldest sister, they do they take it away. Absolutely. They want us to be isolated. So that we depend on them and them alone. Were so they were miserable there they are miserable people. They’re evil. 110% they do abuse pets and Tap Dogs and cats and take them away from us. And oh, no, you can’t have it. You don’t have the right situation all take care of it. But then the dog or the cat gets killed, which has happened more often than not, or they don’t take care of it well, or whatever. And they break off every relationship that we’ve ever had, whatever family members, they turn people against us. They lie, lie if their lips are moving, they’re lying. So yeah, absolutely 110% they do that. And that is a game that is a game. Isolation game. It’s like, I’m going to see who’s on my side. And if I have more people on my side, you lose. That’s exactly what they’re doing. So, when they’re doing the smear campaign, and they’re trying to turn people against you, they’re sitting there taking tallies of who’s on their side. Seriously, so don’t play, you just cut them off, you’d be done. It’s like, okay, you want to side with an abuser pound sand, bye, bye. But that is the best way to do that. So, there is that? I hope that answers the question. Okay, it looks like we’ve got them all.

So next week, I want to talk more about the lying I want to talk more about trusting your gut when they start lying because then we get that feeling. You know, it’s kind of like wait a minute, this doesn’t feel right. And then they gaslight you and say oh no, trust me, trust me. You know, and you can’t so we’re going to talk about more about the lying. So, if their lips are moving, I think is what I’m going to name it. If their lips are moving. They’re lying. So, we’re going to talk about the lying we’re going to talk about pathological lying, it is not in the DSM, but they do that, so it just drives me crazy. Anyway, so there is all that I hope you guys have a great week Disney is safe to go back to I am so happy Thank you Bob Iger and damn you Bob Chapek. So anyway, have a great week and take care of yourselves Drink plenty of water and I will talk to you next Sunday and we will be talking about if their lips are moving. Alright guys, take care. Bye

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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The post 04-09-2023 Games They Play i.e., Hurting Themselves appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Narcissistic abuse is all about betrayal. What exactly is betrayal trauma? How does betrayal trauma affect our current and future relationships? How do we cope with having been betrayed? Did you know that trusting others is actually deeply embedded in our brains, so what do we do when we don’t trust?

In the first half of this episode, Kris dives deep into the above questions pulling from journals like psychology today among other studies and psychology journals. In the second half of the show, Kris will answer questions from listeners in the live chat.

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Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Alright, so today’s current event, so a lot of my clients recently have been freaking out over the news. So, they’re watching the news obsessively, as we all kind of do occasionally. And it’s driving them crazy. And so, what you got to remember guys, here’s my current events. Hello, everybody. The thing about the current way news is done. In the old days, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth in my time, in my time, we used to have a half an hour, every night, Uncle Walter. Walter Cronkite would come on, and he would say, here’s what’s going on. And that was it. And then we’re done. And then we went onto the honeymooners or whatever else was playing, I don’t know, honeymooners was actually before my time. But anyway, the point being is, is that we didn’t have this 24-hour news cycle that had to get ratings that had to be relevant, that had to be catching people’s attention all the time. So that’s what I wanted to remind you of the way the news cycle is now if it bleeds, it leads. So, in other words, they are intentionally doing things that are going to catch your attention and make you pay attention to make you watch and click on that article. Because it’s all ratings. It’s all getting the ad revenue. It’s all getting the ratings, etc., etc.

So, what’s my recommendation for that? Stop. I seriously don’t watch or look at the news more than once a day, I do one first-time thing in the morning just to see what’s going on in the world. And then I let it go because it’s kind of it’s doing that Buddhist worry chart. Is there a problem? Well, yeah, I mean, really, I mean, we got the earthquake in Syria, we got the, you know, the balloons flying over America, we shot something down over Canada, and oh, my god, and the Ukraine, and ah, yeah, right. So, there is a lot that’s going wrong. What can I do about it? Well, I can donate to Doctors Without Borders. Yes, I do. And I do do that. I can write senators. I can write representatives. I can do what I can. But then after that, I have done what I can, let it go. Because if you don’t, it’s going to literally drive you crazy. And the anxiety is what gets us going, and we have enough anxiety coming out of abusive relationships.

So that’s kind of what I wanted to get across is that if you’re falling into that obsessively, looking at the news, reading the news articles, following the news, etc., etc. And you find yourself a nervous wreck, then stop looking at the news, like, once every couple of days is fine. You know, for me, I keep current just because I like to know current events, what’s going on, and what’s affecting my clients. And I don’t have so much of that reactivity. Occasionally. I do. Occasionally I do. And then John, and I will talk, and then I will go I’m not going to look at the news for a few days. So, you know, it’s a matter of understanding that it’s a 24-hour news cycle. They’re doing it for ratings. They’re going to say the worst things that are possibly going on. You do the Buddhist worry chart. Is there a problem? Well, yeah. Okay. Can I do something about it? Well, limited. Okay. Well, then do that limited thing that you can do, and then let it go. Yeah, so that’s what I wanted to say about current events. So Alright, there it is.

Let’s dive into today’s topic. So, today’s Super Bowl Sunday, I’m having John put up the suicide hotline number and the domestic violence hotline number, just because you know, just because so anyway, I wanted to talk today about betrayal trauma. Now, somebody has been asking me repeatedly. Please talk about betrayal trauma. Please talk about betrayal trauma. So, betrayal trauma is a phrase that was coined in 1991 by Jennifer, Freyd, I think. And what it involves is everything we’ve been going through. But what it covers is betrayal, trauma is any time, anything lets us down or betrays us. So if it’s an institution, if it’s a government, if it’s a friend, if it’s a parent, if it’s a lover, if it’s, you know, anything that we have relied on, for our survival, in some way, shape, or form, whether that’s mental, emotional, physical, or religious, whatever, anything that we have literally leaned on like that, and they have poof, and we go thunk that’s a betrayal, trauma, and it can be from literally any kind of betrayal. So, like, institutional, governmental, friends, family, etc., etc.

So let me pull up the article that I thought was really cool. Let’s see if I can find that one. Where did it go? Where did it go? Because they had a whole thing. Okay. The term was first coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd. I said it right. Yeah. It occurs when a person’s trust is violated by a person or system that they rely on for survival. So that can be families that can be government institutions, etc. In other words, when you trust a person or an institution to provide you with physical, mental, or emotional needs, and they are able to do so or worse, they end up harming you instead. This can have significant and lasting impact. Okay, so this article is on psychology today. This is called the cause and effect of partner betrayal trauma. And this is by Wendy Boring, Bray DDH LPCC. Okay. And this was written in 2021. Okay, so that’s just kind of giving you the definition of what betrayal trauma is.

A common example of betrayal trauma is when children have been neglected or abused by their caregivers. A key distinguishing factor of betrayal trauma is the reliance on the betrayer. And this goes for all of us who’ve been abused by a narcissist because we have relied on that we expected them to be a, you know, normal, functioning human being. Oops, they’re not victims of betrayal trauma do not have the choice to leave the situation as is so many of the instances of domestic violence they are in because of the dependent and dependence on the perpetrator to meet their physical, mental, emotional needs. Failure on behalf of the perpetrator to meet those needs forces the victim to adapt in order to survive and or maintain the relationship.

So, this is why I wanted to put the Oh, thank you. This is why I wanted to put the hotlines up. Traditionally Superbowl Sunday for some reason does see a spike in domestic violence. Perpetrators do keep people stuck, financially, financial abuse, you know, making it so that they can’t get out. So, this is why I want to talk about this. Also, I forgot the meet and greets. So, I will be in Santa Barbara. Sorry, middle, middle of the show. Hello. Um, I will be in Santa Barbara on Saturday. So, the cut-off for tickets is Thursday night. So, if you don’t sign up by Thursday night, you’re not going so. So, third Saturday in Santa Barbara. And then I’m going to Vancouver, BC, which is May 9, no. May 20. I’ll be there May 20. And then, I will be in Portland, Oregon, and Boise. And those are the ones that are going to be in July. But I haven’t gotten the dates yet, because my niece hasn’t gotten back to me as to when exactly she wants me to come up. So as soon as I find out that information, I will pass it along to you so then we could get rocking and rolling. So sorry about that. Okay, back to betrayal, trauma. So, partner betrayal trauma. Okay, this is what most of us have dealt with. We’ve also dealt with the family. A lot of us have dealt with institutional betrayal trauma. I mean, how many times has a target of domestic violence called the police, and then the police arrested the target as opposed to the perpetrator? I just.

Kris Godinez  09:22

And then of course, they’re saying things like, Oh, we’re lowering our standards for hiring police and we’re not doing as much training, and I’m like, opposite of what you need to be doing. Opposite land. Logic. Common sense. Not so common.

Anyway. Betrayal, trauma, sorry, went off on a tangent. Okay. Um, all right. Regular use of the term betrayal trauma is pretty new. Many mental health professionals might be more familiar with seeing the foundations of betrayal trauma in certain attachment styles or developmental trauma. In other words, when focusing on relationship between the child and the caregiver, betrayal trauma doesn’t just occur in caregiver contexts though. Partner betrayal trauma is when the perpetrator is the significant other such as a boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse. It is entirely possible, in fact. It’s relatively common for an individual to be reliant in some way on a partner. Hold on. This might be financial. This might be physical might be safety, to betray that trust might look like cheating, manipulation, physical, sexual, emotional abuse, religious abuse, financial abuse, withholding, or misusing financial resources. In some cases, a person might not be entirely reliant on your partner, at least not literally. But it feels as though leaving the perpetrator is not an option.

So, a lot of us, when we’ve left, how many of us, and I know I know I did, I felt like my world was going to crumble. I felt like I was just going to, you know, blow away in the wind, you know like I ceased to exist because everything was about the abuser, right? Whether that’s a parent, whether that’s a romantic partner, whether that’s a friend, a boss, an institution, whatever, so we feel like we’re going to cease to exist. We lose ourselves we lose ourselves we lose who we are, which is why I keep saying Self-Esteem Workbook Glenn Schiraldi work it work it like a boss, Disease to Please Harriet Braiker boundaries, deal breakers, work that like a boss that’s going to keep you safe. And that’s going to remind you of who you really are. So, there is that. Hold on back to this.

Okay, regardless of how or in what way a person is reliant on the partner when the perpetrator betrays the victim’s trust, it can leave a lasting mark, say a person was happily married for 20 years, they shared everything with the spouse, including the home and children and relied on the spouse to provide a stable, loving relationship. Suddenly, they learned that their spouse was cheating on them. How might that affect them? Well, that would destroy any trust. Now, the thing with narcissists is they generally, if they’re cheaters, they’ve been doing it since before the wedding guarantee, and they will continue to do it. And what happens to us is we go into denial when we’re first confronted with it, and one of these articles that I picked actually deals with that why we go into that denial phase and denial is deadly guys because it gives the perpetrator gives the abuser another chance, and we don’t want to give them another chance. Okay, hold on going back to this betrayal, blindness, oh, this is the one that describes that. Okay.

So, the impact of betrayal, blindness, many current therapy, clients are seeking help with partner betrayal, trauma, and yet they have no idea of the root of their problems. This is because partner betrayal trauma can take many different forms depending on the person, their age, and when the trauma occurred, and the trauma itself. Betrayal blindness, a large part of partner betrayal, trauma is betrayal blindness. This is when the person consciously or unconsciously ignores signs of betrayal to try to preserve the relationship.

So, in other words, we see the red flags, saw the red flags, and we went, Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it’s no Is this a fluke? No, is it? No, I don’t…they didn’t really mean it. Oh, it was an accident. Oh, did you know they may deny behaviors. So, the abuser themselves will deny behaviors. They’ll make excuses or they’ll flip the script and blame the target of abuse. They will become very defensive if questioned about their actions by avoiding the signs of a betrayal and individual can make the impact on themselves significantly worse, as they work harder and harder and harder to maintain the relationship because think about it. It is a one-sided relationship. It takes two to tango and if the abusive partner is out seeking outside narcissistic supply, you’re going to be twisting yourself into a pretzel, or you have twisted yourself into a pretzel, and we have all twisted ourselves into pretzels at one point or another trying to make this unworkable, untenable relationship work. We all do it. We all we have done it don’t do it anymore. But we have all done it. Okay. Difficulty

Okay, is that as a result of this kind of betrayal? And this goes for parental betrayal too. You know, when parents abused their kids when they scream at them, when they yell at them, when they call them names, put them down? They’re breaking a trust. They’re breaking a trust and trust is incredibly hard to get back again, not impossible, but incredibly hard to get back again. So, we have difficulty trusting in other relationships. Having been betrayed in previous relationships, a partner of a victim of partner betrayal trauma may find it incredibly difficult to establish new positive, trusting relationships. They may be terrified and experiencing more betrayal, which could then prevent them from being able to trust to develop trust in their partners, friends, or even family members. This is very true. It’s kind of like, how do I explain this? It’s like once you’ve been betrayed, once you’ve been harmed, once that trust has been broken, literally by anybody, you’re kind of like for Missouri. At that point, the show me state, you show me prove to me, prove to me you’re safe, you know, that kind of thing. And we do that. And it’s, it’s because of the betrayal that we’ve gone through. I mean, John and I’ve had multiple conversations about that because something will happen. And I will feel like, ooh, this behavior reminded me of my dad or whatever, and I’ll have to be like, Okay, got to tell you, a three-year-old inside of me is going Screw you, and I’ll trust you. And then we’ll work it through, you know what I’m saying? And, you know, that kind of thing. And it’s it, it colors, our relationships, it does it and to this day, and you know, I’m 58 years old, I’ve been working on this my entire life, I still every once in a while, we’ll have those little, I don’t trust you. I don’t trust you. I don’t trust you. I don’t trust you know, and you got to just kind of go okay, little inner child, hello. You’re okay, and you’re safe. Everything’s fine. Look at this. Are there red flags? No, we’re not seeing red flags.

But if you’re seeing red flags that don’t trust them, but you got to learn to trust your gut, I think more than anything else. And that’s really what I took away from this article is that because of all of this, we learned not to trust ourselves because of the gaslighting, the lying, the cheating, the stealing, you know, the flipping the script, the whole thing, we get an altered definition of love, someone who has experienced significant betrayal by a partner might subconsciously come to terms with this by adjusting their personal definition of love. In other words, they may begin to consider things like abuse, infidelity, jealousy, or any other form of betrayal. Because Jealousy is a form of betrayal as a normal part of love, and begin to not only expect it but to seek it out. And this is where we’ve got to not normalize abuse. So, John and I were talking about this. This morning, we were talking about how these television shows and movies always portray like this, you know, oh, it’s got to be painful. And it’s got to be a struggle, and you’ve got to fight for this person’s attention and steal them away from another person. And, and I’m just sitting here going, No, no, no, no, you don’t. So, it really is looking at our cultural dysfunction. As to what real love is real love is not, you know, painful, it’s not if it hurts, it’s not love.

Kris Godinez  17:51

If it hurts, it’s not love. It isn’t Love is Respect. Respect is love. Love is Respect. So, if it hurts, it’s not love. And I really, I wish to God that they would teach psychology healthy psychology in high school is to what is a healthy relationship because a lot of the kids have dysfunctional families. They don’t know what healthy looks like, you know. So, it makes sense that we have this weird idea of what love is when we come out of one of these things or when we’re still in one of these things. Because we’ve adjusted, we’ve sacrificed our boundaries, we’ve made adjustments so that we can keep the relationship or that we can get whatever we think we’re getting out of it. But we’re not getting anything out of it because it’s abusive, so, okay, hang on, okay. We have the added extra bonus of possibly being re-victimized if a person’s definition of love has been altered to include betrayal and abuse, it makes the sense it makes sense that they would be at higher risk to be victimized again in the future, either by the same or other partners. So, remember, if there’s no work being done on the self, if there’s no work being done on your self-esteem, your boundaries, your deal breakers, you’re going to more than likely have that inner child go looking outside and go oh, somebody who kind of sort of reminds me of the parents, I had the hardest time with or the partner, I had the hardest time with a look half of a doodoo sandwich, half of a doodoo sandwich. Total doodoo sandwich!

So, you don’t want to do that. Lowered self-esteem by being betrayed by one’s partner can seriously affect one’s perception of themselves. Yes. How many of us lost ourselves and felt like we weren’t pretty, or we weren’t smart, or it wasn’t okay to have a sense of humor, or was it okay to laugh? Or was it okay to do our crafts or sing or act or dance or, you know, whatever, because they were constantly putting us down or when they did the devalue and the discard. They damned us for everything that they originally loved us for. Of course, that’s not really love because you don’t love the person like that and then flip the script and go oh, no, I hate you for all of that because that’s what they do. Because they want us dead. So, um, yeah, I mean, it’s lowered self-esteem. You betcha.

Mental health challenges. Unsurprisingly, partner betrayal can lead to serious mental health issues, potentially to the level of diagnosable mental health disorders such as depression and anxiety. Additionally, people with betrayal… partner betrayal often exhibit signs of say it with me… PTSD, CPTSD, like hypervigilance, insomnia or dissociation. It also can create because the level of cortisol in our system, physical issues, like fibromyalgia, like you know, you know, other autoimmune things.

Okay, so all right, moving past betrayal, four steps to avoid surrendering your happiness and success to others. So, this is by George Everly. He’s a Ph.D. ABPP. I don’t know what that stands for, FACLP. So Okay. All right. So, trust is biologically hardwired, we are hardwired to trust because it literally takes a village, you know, we have to, we need each other to get things done, basically. So, it’s not. It’s not bizarre that we need other people. And when I say need, I don’t mean need, like a psychological unhealthy need. It’s more like a, it takes a village kind of thing. So, in the phases of betrayal, betrayal is a breach of trust. It’s not only a psychological injury; it’s a physical injury as well. The moment you are betrayed, your first reaction psychologically is confusion. How many of us were like ah, coffee would be good. Let’s go get a cup of coffee. Um, what’s going on, you know, that just you know, confusion. The sympathetic fight or flight nervous system is activated, and your body is flooded with adrenaline, unlike fear, where danger where you can focus your response and be like, Oh, crap, we got to get out of here. We got to do this; we got to do that. A betrayal is more diffused. The second phase of betrayal is denial. You simply cannot believe that this treachery has taken place. Your heart rate decelerates as you try to make sense of the senseless of the circumstances at hand. Third phase usually consists of one of two pathways, although sometimes they will toggle between the two. One pathway is to self-blame. So immediately we go, What did I do wrong? You know, how did I make this happen? So, we self-blame? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. When a narcissist when an abuser does what they do, it is entirely their fault. Absolutely.

Psychologically, sorry, physiologically, okay. One pathway is self-blame. The other is anger. So, remember, anger is the bodyguard of the softer emotion. So underneath the anger is all the fear and the hurt and the sadness and the confusion and all of that, so we get angry when we get hurt. So physiologically, adrenaline and cortisol are typically elevated and chronically so. Cortisol is a corticosteroid, which serves to increase blood glucose levels and diminish the efficiency of immune systems as well. It also has catabolic properties, setting the stage for a myriad of stress-related illnesses. Yep, finally, the angrier you become, or the more you blame yourself, the better you are, the better you become at it. Until, through a mechanism of neuroplasticity, it becomes a habit. And you ultimately lose yourself in the reiterative process that the phase repeats themselves. So, in other words, if we get stuck in the story, if we get stuck in the it’s my fault, it’s my fault. It’s my fault, or we get stuck in the I’m going to get you, I’m going to revenge on it a bit. Remember, you know, we get angry, but we never get underneath to the softer emotions. We keep telling that story and telling that story and telling that story again, and we get stuck. Betrayal has the potential to become a chronic plague upon your happiness and success. But that does not have to be so.

Four Steps to moving past betrayal. Number one, please don’t blame yourself. And with the anger, get underneath that seriously. Anger is just the bodyguard. The softer emotions, we’re angry because it’s part of the fight-flight-freeze or fawn, but really what’s underneath the anger? The betrayal, the sadness, the hurt, the confusion, the What the frick, you know, that’s what’s underneath. If so, the anger will keep you stuck. Blaming yourself will keep you stuck because you’ve got to understand when you’re dealing with a disordered personality, there’s no there there. There is no there. If they cheated on you, they’ll cheat on their next partner. They’re never going to be faithful ever. So, it’s not you. It’s them. Get with a good trauma therapist do EMDR do tapping that helps, you know, work through that trauma, work through and stop putting the blame on you CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker, work chapter three, put it back on the abuser. That’s where that’s where the blame and the shame and the anger and everything else needs to go to it’s not yours. It’s not your luggage. Give it to them.

Number two. Okay. Okay, understanding that there is no why. There is no why. It’s like, abusers are crazy. They’re cray cray. Let’s just be clear. They’re cray cray. There is no one. If you’re looking for the why you’re never going to find it. What you’re going to find is the how. So how did this happen? How did I miss the red flags? How did I trust this person that didn’t, and this is not victim blaming, I want to be very clear. This is working on inner child stuff, who set you up to be groomed, who set you up in your family to be groomed to believe a liar, to be groomed to believe that that’s all you deserve, that you don’t deserve better. You know, that’s what I want you to work on. All right. Remember, the fight or flight function of the amygdala is fueling your reaction. The Angular Gyrus will dampen the amygdaloid. All you have to do is turn it on. So, he’s saying forgiveness. I’m saying screw that noise. What I’m saying is acceptance. It is what it is, and stop seeking revenge. I think that is the big thing that we get stuck in. So, a lot of us, when we have been harmed and especially if we come from a family that was big into revenge, you know, I’ll get you, I’ll show you, I’ll fix your wagon, all you know, all of that crazy stuff. That’s kind of a knee-jerk reaction that we go to. So instead of going to revenge, it’s not so much forgiveness. It’s acceptance. It’s like this happened. And I do not deserve to be treated this way. Because I respect myself. Self-esteem boundaries. That should be what are your deal breakers. So, a list of deal breakers should be things that you will not put up with from any body, anybody? Anybody. So that would be lying, cheating, stealing, rewriting history, gaslighting, flipping the script, game playing, smearing, you know, a myriad of stuff, manipulation, etc., etc.

Kris Godinez  27:52

So, all the things that narcissists do, so yeah, so it’s, it’s, it’s having that self-love, that self-respect, and knowing that you don’t deserve to be treated like that ever, by anybody ever, period. Okay, back to this in how are we doing on time? Okay. Okay, ah, are you going to hang on?

All right, the more you give into the anger, and the more you give into the you know, the revenge, the grieving, you’re going to grieve, he’s, they’re basically saying, Don’t grieve. I’m saying screw that noise, too. I’m saying grieve, but recognize that what you’re grieving for is not the person that betrayed you. You’re grieving for the illusion of who you thought they were, which sucks, because the hardest grief you’re ever going to do is grieving the loss of somebody who is still living and breathing and walking the face of this planet. Because it’s the illusion that you are grieving the illusion of the person you thought you knew that you really didn’t. So that’s really kind of crazy.

Make a promise to yourself. To no longer surrender control of your happiness to others. Now, that does not mean stop trusting it means start trusting yourself. And if someone because, remember, if someone is throwing red flags, and it’s starting to look like a Communist Party leave, you cannot fix them because you did not break them. It is not your job. Nobody can fix them. The only person that can fix them would be the higher power in them. And that would be it. So, you know. change does not happen overnight. Start small. With practice moving past betrayal will become a habit. The more you practice, the habit will become a trait once it is a trait. It will be a new you mirror work, looking in the mirror, working on self-esteem, working on boundaries, working on acceptance, not so much forgiveness, if you want to forgive them. That’s great.

But the problem I had was when people think of forgiveness; they think it’s like a tabula rasa, like a clean slate like oh, you know, I forgive. That’s okay. And then they go and do it again. No, forgiveness is not a tabula rasa. It’s not forgiveness if you want to get meta about it. It’s acceptance. It’s like, okay, I get it. You’re disorder. You’re dysfunctional. You harmed me, you did it on purpose. I’m not going to give me another chance. I’m also not going to let you live rent-free in my head one more bleepity bleep second, go pound sand, have a nice life, and kick them out, kick them out, kick them out. Get rid of them. They do not need to be in your life. They, I’m sorry. They don’t get to be in your life. They treat you like doo-doo. They don’t get to be in your life. You have more value than that. Can you tell how much I really don’t like abusers. So yeah, so that is all that’s why I’m saying don’t go for the forgiveness. Forgiveness, I think in our society has been skewed.

It’s more the acceptance. This is what it is. Worry chart. Is there something I can do about this? Nope. They’re disordered, not even. And here’s the other thing, do not go to therapy with them. Guys. If this is like, you know, multiple times cheating, or multiple times, gaslighting or multiple, they will use the therapy to abuse you do not go to therapy with them. And, of course, we’re coming up on Valentine’s Day, which is this week. Oh my god. So, I can’t tell you the number of times this week that I’ve had clients call me going. You will not believe who just sent me a text. I’m like, oh, yeah, I would. So, you know, it’s that, Oh, baby, baby, I’ll change. It’ll be different. I promise. Actions speak louder than words. Trust the actions, not the words. Okay, one more thing. And then I’m going to…

Okay, six ways to regain your sense of self and your sense of trust, engage in self-care, find ways to nurture yourself to regain balance. They take us off balance. They literally rip the rug out from underneath us, parents, bosses, institutions, governance, you know, whoever has betrayed us. So, find ways to get your sense of balance back. Self-esteem, confidence, and resilience. That’s where the mirror work comes in. Walking in nature helps a lot. Invest in your personal community. Trust friends, friends that are trustworthy. You know, spend time with trusted friends and trusted family. That’s a really good way. Find compassion for yourself. That’s the big thing. read and learn. So read up on how abusers act. You know, The Object of My Affection is in My Reflection, Coping With a Narcissist by Rokelle Lerner, After the Affair, can’t remember who wrote that one. But that’s another good one. You know, that’s kind of geared towards getting back together with the person, but it can be helpful to healing yourself after your partner has cheated on you. Journal, journal, journal journal, get creative with it, paint, write, sing, you know, do things like that, dance it out, do whatever you need to do. And then allow yourself to trust yourself. And then, out of trusting your gut. You’ll learn whether or not people are trustworthy. So really, its actions speak louder than words. Look at the actions; don’t look at the words. That’s the big thing and trusting ourselves means we work on self-esteem, boundaries, all of that good stuff, physical health, mental health, emotional health, the whole thing. Really listening to our gut. How many times have we been in a situation where you met somebody? And this happens to me a lot. I meet somebody, and I’m just like, nope, stay the hell away from that one. And then it turns out, oh, look at that, you know, they were a narcissist, or they were an abuser, or they were whatever. So, trust your gut. Your gut does not lie to you. The head and the heart will lie. They tell stories. Well, what about this? What about that? What about….? The gut is a simple yes or no answer to a yes or no question. practice trusting your gut. And what you do is you start with things you already know the answer to so for me, I know I’ve told the story a million times. Sorry, guys. I hate peanut butter. Hate it. hated it. Hated. But I love Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. So, if I asked my gut, okay, gut. Do you like peanut butter? It’s like this visceral like, I can feel my gut roil like it’s like, oh, no, I hate peanut butter. But then if I go gut, do you like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? Oh, yeah. No story, just simple yes or no. So, practice with things you already know the answer to and then take it out to something you don’t know the answer to that’s not going to be life-threatening or life-changing and see how that goes. And you keep practicing until you learn to feel your body’s response to your gut instincts. So that’s what I want you to do. Okay, let’s see last one, and then we’ll get to the questions.

Okay, this one is also on Psychology Today by Jack Shaffer. for betrayal and human relationships, there was something in this one that I wanted to make sure to hit. Ah, To love is to risk being hurt. And that’s why we are so afraid of trusting again because love is trusting if you don’t trust, you don’t have love, basically. So um, it’s really, it’s a process. It’s a process of learning to trust yourself, listening to your gut instincts, loving yourself. And out of that, like I said, practicing, practicing, and giving yourself permission. Because when we’ve been in abusive families, or abusive relationships, the first thing they do is tell us that we do not see that pink elephant taking a dump in the corner of the living room. And so, we learn to shut our trust of ourselves down, I want you to take the blinders off. Yeah, you do see the pink elephant taking a dump in the living room. You always have that’s why they picked you out as the scapegoat. So yeah, you want to get back to Yes, I do see that. No, I’m not going to deny that I see that. Thanks for playing is that’s what our abusers have. They were parental units would do. No, you don’t see the dysfunction. Now, yeah, I’ll give you something to, you know, cry about I’ll give you something to be angry about. And they’re not allowing us to trust our gut instinct. They beat it out of us, literally. So, start working on trusting your gut. 100%. Okay, let’s hit the questions. Okay.

Um, do narcissists accuse you of betrayal while it was them doing it? 110%! They are projectionists! They project like projectile vomiting onto the target of abuse, the very things that they are doing. So, they will point the you, you, you, you, guns. Remember, there’s two fingers pointed out at you. But there’s six-pointed back at them. They’re talking about themselves. So, they do the you, you, you, you, guns. And I’m jealous because your cheating, no,  they’re jealous because they assume you’re going to behave the way they behave.

Kris Godinez  37:07

Let me say that again. They started accusing because they assume that you’re going to behave the way they behave. And so, they will accuse us of cheating. They’ll accuse us of lying. They’ll accuse everything under the sun. Guess who they’re talking about? They’re talking about themselves. They’re talking about themselves. So yeah, absolutely. 110% they do that! My late narcissist mother betrayed everyone but always said she was betrayed and that no one else is to be trusted. No one has to be trusted. Yeah, that’s total projection total project. And remember, if they are a covert narcissist, what a covert narcissists do, and what are they love more than anything else in the world to be the victim. So even though it’s clear that they are the ones that are abusing and harming other people, they’ll get out the world’s smallest little violin and start going, Oh, I’m the victim. Nobody ever writes. Nobody ever calls and, you know, look, look at what I’ve done for you. And you do nothing for Oh, go blow it out your rear. You know that, seriously? That’s what they do. They love being the victim more than anything else. Okay, so yes, they will absolutely accuse you of the very things that are doing. So that’s how you know they’re cheating. So seriously, what I tell my clients when they sit down on my couch, and they go, my partner is suddenly accusing me of cheating. I’ve never given any reason or sign or symptom, I’m not cheating. I look at them, and I go, go get tested, go get tested, and nine times out of 10. They come back with an STD. So, because this cheating has been going on for way longer than you know about, because that’s that is the old story of the toad and the scorpion. It’s their nature. That is their nature. That is there will always be a narcissistic, selfish, self-centered. POS that will never change. So yeah, if you suspect your partner is, you know, if your partner is especially getting ballsy enough to start accusing you, I would go get tested. Absolutely. I mean, this was a parent thing. But yeah, if you’re in a romantic relationship yet Absolutely.

Do narcissists go out of their way to betray their adult children? Yes. By interfering in personal stuff. They have nothing to do with my narcissist started calling people to tell lies about me to hurt me. Absolutely. They need chaos and drama the way the rest of us need air. Like, I’m not even kidding you. So, they will interject themselves into personal business. They will call friends of the child, the adult child. And years later, like, recently, there was one that was in their 90s that started doing this. And thank God, the friends were all clued in, and they were like, yeah, no, we’re not buying this. We know you’re doing child so yeah, I mean, it just. It’s crazy. It really hits. That’s, that’s when you just kind of got to go, wow. Oh, you put the front and dysfunction, lady. Seriously that’s it’s pathetic. And it’s sad but yeah, they will absolutely do that they need drama and the best thing to do is go no contact or low contact. So, a lot of people are like,

Oh, but they’re old, and I, I feel sorry for them, and they don’t have anybody else, and you know, whatever, okay, we’ll go to the contact level that you’re comfortable with, but my recommendation would be low to no contact and tell them nothing, give them nothing, give them nothing they can use Don’t tell them anything that’s important or personal or anything else. So, there’s that. Okay. Um, all right. And really, what you can do is, you know, you just tell the friends, there’s, you know, they’re, they’re narcissistic, they’re I don’t know what her game is. But please don’t engage, you know, and the ones that do engage the ones who are willing to believe the worst of you, do not deserve the best of you. Let me say that again. Anybody, any flying monkey that is willing to believe the worst of you does not deserve the best of you kick them to the curb? Kick them out of your life. Alright.

Okay, how can I best support a victim going through betrayal in the work environment, this is there is hard evidence the victim is being set up by the abuser, but the majority are believing the abuser. Well, as we all know, HR is there to protect the company. So, if there is a setup going on, you want to mention the words lawyer and HR. So just tell them to get an attorney that does business law, tell them to talk to HR, and don’t allow the setup to continue for you for support. You just keep encouraging them to go do the right thing, which would be to get an attorney, which would be to talk to HR, which would be to file a hostile work environment complaint with the EEOC. okay.gov. So, yeah, file a file a hostile work environment complaint with the EEOC, get an attorney, talk to HR, you know, and go from there, encourage them to do it. This is not your job. This is not your problem; you encourage you encourage them. In other words, you’re giving them courage to do the self-protection stuff. It’s not your job to get involved, as in, you’re going to go do it. But you tell her the steps; the steps would be okay, speak to HR, let HR know what’s going on. Talk to a business attorney. That’s really the way to handle it. So, you know, and the other thing would be start for another job, because some corporations, I’ll tell you, corporations are only as healthy as the people at the top. And if the people at the top are not healthy Hello Disney company with a certain Bob, not the current Bob, the old Bob, you know, it showed the company started falling apart. Anyway, the point being, they’re only as healthy as the people at the top.

So, in remember, HR is there to protect the company. Now, most companies do not want an embarrassing lawsuit. It’s sometimes you got to play poker; you got to play. You know, it’s like, Okay, fine. I’m hiring an attorney. I’m filing a complaint with the EEOC have fun with that. And you’ll see how quickly they a lot of times they turn around; sometimes they don’t, sometimes they don’t care. But you know, you just give her the advice, and then let her do all the work or him do all the work because it’s not your job to do it for them. So, there is that,

Um, okay, how can we tell if betrayal from cluelessness? Oh, how can we? Sorry, how can we tell conscious betrayal from cluelessness in the workplace? For example, whether a boss was trying to publicly embarrass me in a meeting or just stating a disagreement in strong terms, it’s going to be behavior, it’s going to be behavior. So, if the boss is stating in strong terms that it’s a disagreement. And it felt like an embarrassment to you, I would go to the boss and just be like, you know, all you had to say was I disagree. I would have gotten it. Just and then, if they do it again after you’ve made them aware of it, now we’ve got a pattern of behavior. So once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence, three or more is a pattern of behavior. And that’s the way I run my life. So, you know, it’s like, give him the benefit of the doubt once bring it to their attention. If they do it again. Isn’t that interesting? And if it happens after that, nope, this is who they are. Does that make sense? So, with a healthy, normal person bringing it to their attention once is enough because there’ll be like, Oh my gosh, that’s not what I wanted to do. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to harm you. I don’t want to embarrass you. I want to keep you on this team. I’m really sorry. Let me make sure I don’t do that again. But if they do it again after you brought it to their attention, that should be throwing some red flags. So yeah, absolutely. Okay. Um, and that goes for any time you feel harmed. It’s like, if it was truly cluelessness, and the person is brought to the person’s attention, they will give a true, sincere apology, which is Oh, my God, I hurt you. I am so sorry. I did not mean to. That was not my intent. I will make sure that this does not happen in the future. What can I do to mend the relationship? That’s a true apology. Anything less than that? If they throw it back on you. If it will, you did this, and you did that? Ah, that’s a narcissistic apology that tells you right there in there who you are dealing with. Believe them the first time. So yeah, absolutely. Okay.

Kris Godinez  46:05

What to do when PTSD is an anxiety disorder. I’m working on emotional regulation. Someone in my life refused to educate themselves and keep retriggering with invalidation. Shut up and relax. Oh, my God, no, that does not help. Okay. So, it depends on a lot of things. Because I’m not quite sure of the context, I will go back and finish reading the rest of the question. So, a lot of clueless people, when somebody is being triggered, they’ll tell them to calm down. In the history of never has telling somebody to calm down worked seriously. And, in fact, if you want to find my foot up your hind end telling me to calm down, you know what I’m saying? So, you don’t tell somebody to shut up and relax. That’s, that is insulting, that is insulting. And it’s arrogant, and it’s stupid. And it’s something that an abuser would say, boom, something that an abuser would say somebody who’s empathic, somebody who’s kind, somebody who’s caring would be like, are you okay? Breathe? Are you okay? It’s all right. It’s okay, breathe because that we’re not breathing when we’re panicked, right? Or when we’re anxious, we’re not breathing. We’re getting tense. We’re like ready to fight flight freeze or fawn given to the abuser. So, telling somebody to shut up and relax. It’s it just insulted it. They’re, they’re showing you who they are. And if you’ve made them aware of your triggers, and they do it anyway, they’re doing it on purpose, just like I said in the last question, so it’s like, you know,  once is a fluke twice as a coincidence, three or more times as a pattern. So, you know, don’t put up with it. Don’t put up with it. Don’t hang around. Don’t be around it. Okay, let me see if I answered that. Okay, it doesn’t help me having people dismiss me or trivialize their behavior because they’re gaslighting you, Yes. 110% feeling unheard. unseen by these people. It is deliberate, it is insensitive, and then they deny it. So that’s an abuse that’s abuse there that you just gave the definition of gaslighting abuse right there. I feel I go into a dissociated set shutdown. Absolutely. 110%. So, my recommendation there’ll be around these people do not for your mental health, do not these people are beyond your means to change or help, or whatever, because they’re not listening to you. Abusers love to make us feel unheard. And unseen. That’s their intent. They want us to feel powerless. They want us to feel insignificant. They want us to feel minimized. They want us to feel crazy. They want us to feel all the nasties. They want us to feel all the nasties. So, when you’ve told somebody, you know what triggers you, and they do it anyway. And they’ve done it more than once or twice. Do not be around them. Do not be around them. That is a pattern. They’re not going to change. They’re going to continue their behavior of you. Don’t be around them. Seriously. It’s it for your health. Do not be around them. They’re abusive. You just gave the definition of gaslighting abuse, boom, right there. So don’t be around them. It’s not you. It’s them. Get with a good trauma therapist. EMDR is great. Tapping is great. CBT is great. DBT is great. Get to a good trauma therapist and work on the triggers so that you’re not so triggered.

So, somebody was asking me the other day, it’s like, well, do the triggers ever go away? I will say no. I don’t think they ever completely go away. But I do think that our response to them is less. What’s the word I’m looking for? It’s less I was going to say violence. I guess it’s less, you know, it’s less urgent, or it’s less feeling so life and death, okay? The triggers are always going to be there. Like I said, every once in a while, I’ll get hit with a trigger about trust, and oh boy, I get really triggered, but at least I’m aware of it now. And I can be, like, verbalizing it and going, Holy cow. I just got triggered by this. Let’s talk. Right. But I think a lot of our triggers, I mean, I have a startle response still. But it’s not it’s not a startle response followed by a scream. It’s usually just okay. It’s okay. So, I think they lesson a little bit or responses to the triggers lessens a little bit, but I don’t think they ever really truly go away. I really don’t because it’s ingrained in our amygdala, you know, oh, that’s a threat. Okay, we got to do something, you know. So, um, yeah. Okay, hold on. Give me a good trauma therapist. I think that’s going to help you the most.

Okay, what to do with tension when people break things, yell, and shift the blame? They know you have traumatic history; they don’t mind displaying and then denying poor behavior that causes you more issues. Get away from it. Absolutely. If it’s a work environment, find a different work environment. If it’s a family situation, go no contact. Absolutely. 100% they’re showing you who they are. That that whole denying it. That’s gaslighting. Yeah. Or getting defensive when you point out the behavior that’s get away from them. They’re bad juju.

Alright, how do you stop dreaming of the betrayal? I got cheated on two years ago by a narcissist in new supply. I still dream in detail about our last argument very triggering. I would write it out. literally write it out, like exactly what you’re seeing, what you’re dreaming about the event, etc. And then Daydream it differently. Say what you need to say. So, I one time had a dream, excuse me, when I was young, I was probably, Yeah, many young adults, maybe 20s. And in my dream, and this was the most wonderful dream, I tied up all my family members, and I told them exactly what I thought it felt so good. And so, I talked it over with my therapist, and she was like, Well, this is what you wanted to say that you couldn’t say. So my recommendation with that particular traumatic dream is write it out. Go back through Daydream it and see exactly what you want to say. Or even write out what you want to say, turn it into a script, turn it into a movie, turn it into whatever, but redo it. So, you’re saying what you need to say and betrayal. Like I said, it’s not just emotional. It’s not just psychological, it’s physiological. So, taking your power back, just even just daydreaming that you got to say exactly what you needed to say, will help you start taking your power back. Also, again, get with a good trauma therapist. What is it about this, that your subconscious keeps playing over and over and over again? Now, it could be a couple of things. It could be unresolved, right? Because it’s just leaving abuse is literally like one of those stupid coffee commercials from the 70s. So, there was this coffee commercial that never ended. It was, I can’t remember was a Folgers? I can’t remember anyway. It was this little song that went da, da, da, da, da, da and it just went on and on and on, and it never stopped.

Kris Godinez  53:41

So, we tend to replay stuff over and over and over again because there’s no period on it. Well, there’s never going to be a period on it. You’re never going to get what you want or need from the abuser, whether it’s a parent, a boss, a coworker, a friend, a lover, or whatever, they’re never going to take responsibility because they’re douchebags. So, in they’re incapable of it. And they won’t. Or they could they won’t. They’re ego won’t let them because they’re 100% ego up here. So, you’ve got to put the period on it. What do you need from that scene? What would help you feel better about that scene? What is incomplete? So, dream it back through? Do a conscious dreaming, do a daydream of it, dream it back through work through what do you need? What are you not getting? What do you need? Why does that keep popping up? Because two years later, yeah, I can kind of see that. It takes about three years to work it all out of our systems. But specifically, what is that about? Is it that you didn’t get something you needed? Was there something you wanted to say? You know, what, what are you working on here? There’s something going on. Okay. Um, okay, so All right. So yeah, you want to work that through and get with a good trauma therapist, so that would be my suggestion for that.

Okay, kids. That is it for today. Um, I can’t remember Want to talk to you about next week, so I’ll mention it in Wednesday’s video. So, you guys go have a great day behind yourselves. Drink plenty of water. Remember, I am going to be in Santa Barbara this weekend. If you don’t get tickets by Thursday night, I am not going to be available. So, you won’t be able to go is what I’m trying to say. I’m also going to be in Vancouver, BC in May 20. So, I will be there. Thank you, guys, so much. Please share these videos with people that you know need them. Subscribe, like, etc. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, you guys. Be good to yourself. And don’t forget to do your work. Work on self-esteem. Trust your gut. You’ve got this, okay. All right, my loves be good, and I will talk to you later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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The post 02-12-2023 B. E. T. R. A. Y. A. L appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Hi, guys. So today kind of exciting. We are finally getting another dog. Yay. So, we went through a rescue. And it’s she’s a collie mix. Shirt. We’re naming her Moana Her name was honest. So, I’m naming her Moana. So, we’re doing that. Very excited. Super, super, super excited. We have not had a dog since Scotty passed away in March. So, this is kind of exciting. She’s supposed to get here this afternoon. She’s coming in from the edge of New Mexico, Texas area. So, they’re driving her over, and they’re giving you the updates as she’s coming along. So that’s just I’m so happy. I can’t stand it. Um, but anyway, this leads me into my current events thing.

So, I belong to a bunch of dog groups, because I love dogs. And one of them that I belong to is called Straydar. And so, it posts dogs that are strays that people have found. And they’re taking them to get a microchip check to see if they have an owner and things like that. So, and I don’t know if this is unique to Phoenix, but people tend to dump their dogs in the desert. And you can’t do that. Because here’s the thing, the desert is a hostile environment. I don’t know if you’ve noticed that or not. There’s scorpions, there’s rattlesnakes, there’s coyotes. And there’s the dog fight people that go look for strays in the desert to use the dogs that have been dumped as bait dogs. So, this is a huge problem in the Phoenix area is that they’re constantly people in rescues are always going out into the desert to see if they can find dogs that have been done. Since John and I have lived here, two of our dogs we found because people just dumped them. So, Baba and Scotty, we both found, we took them to the vet, we scan him for chips, try to find the owner posted on all of the you know, pets, 911. And all of the other places and things like that, on no owners ever came forward. So, they became ours, which is great because, hey, more dogs better. So um, anyway, I just want to make people aware dumping the dogs is not always going to end a happy is what I’m basically trying to say. And the only people that dumped dogs like that generally have got a personality disorder, and how I know that is because normal healthy people don’t dump dogs. If you’re going to have to give a dog up, find a rescue, there are rescues for every single breed out there. Okay, find a no-kill shelter more and more than the shelters are becoming no-kill, which is Thank god. Okay, there’s different ways to find a home for your pet that you can no longer take care of. Now I understand financial stuff and things like that. But just dumping a dog, just dumping a cat dumping a tortoise, or dumping it, and that’s a problem too. People just dump pets when they can’t take care of them. And I’m concerned because we’re coming into the Christmas season and what is something that people always buy their kids, a puppy, a kitten, a small tortoise or turtle or a hamster or rat or you know one of those little pets and it’s a lifelong commitment. It is a lifelong commitment, and I get so angry because when we found Scotty, John was out walking Baba, Scotty was running through the green space no collar, no nothing, and walked up to Baba and licked him and that’s how Baba we found Baba had walked up to Kyle our first dog that we got from the Humane Society and looked him, and so we were like, it’s a sign. So, we adopted Scotty after we, you know posted and tried to find the owners and everything else like that. So, you cannot just give an animal for Christmas and expect it to be, you know, disposable. It is, it is a lifelong commitment.

The other thing that I’m seeing a lot of in the street are posts are SR dogs that are being dumped in the shelter because the owners couldn’t handle seeing the dog die of old age or get older or maybe the dog had medical issues or whatever. And again, that screams to be no compassion. How could you, you could no more. If you’ll do it to a dog, you’ll do it to a person. Okay? So, it just be aware, you know, this is a huge issue. If you do see strays, see if you can get them safe. A lot of them. Oh my God, my niece and I were just talking yesterday, she found a pit bull that had been abused and emaciated, starving, and they were able to get it to a no-kill shelter, which was great. So, if you see a stray, here’s what to do. If you can get them, get them to a rescue if you know their breed, or get them to a no-kill shelter, you want to take them to a vet scan them for a chip. But here’s the sad thing. A lot of times what I’m reading on street art, they’re saying, Okay, we scanned the chip, called the number of the person, said they don’t want the dog anymore. I don’t even have words. Why would you go through all the trouble of getting a dog to not keep said dog that makes no sense. So, if you find a dog, a cat that’s obviously being mistreated, or starving or whatever, get it to a vet, scan it for chip. If there’s no chip, and there’s no owner and you’ve posted it on all of the websites, get it to a rescue or get it to a no kill shelter. That is the best thing you can do or keep it if you can, you know, the thing of it is though, is that there’s so many dogs out there, it’s like every day I’m seeing you know, like 35/40 dogs a day on street are and I’m just like there’s no way one person or two people or three people can even take in that many dogs. So just be aware this is a huge problem. And they like I said they dumped the dogs in the desert thinking that you know, oh, they’ll survive their dogs. Coyotes eat dogs, guys, if the dog is smaller than a coyote and even if they’re the same size the gang the pack will gang up on it, wear it out first run it until it’s tire gang up on it and eat it so they don’t understand the way of the world. It is not a Disney film. It is it is ugly. Nature can be very ugly, and coyotes are predators so, much like Narcissists. So anyway, there is that I just wanted to make you guys a public service announcement. If you see a stray, see if you can get them take them in for a scan, get them to a no kill shelter or rescue.

So that’s the best that you can do. Don’t get pets if you’re not planning on taking care of it. Don’t have pets if you’re not planning on being with that pet at the very last moment or oh my god, I’m going to start crying. So, when Scotty died when we had to put Scotty down, we fed him his favorite meal, which was French fries and a cheeseburger from Giant hamburgers. That’s his favorite. And we petted him, and we loved him. And we talked to him all the way through. So, he knew we were with us because when you put pets down, they look for you. Because they’re scared. So, you want to comfort them. So, people who are willing to dump a senior dog because, oh, I can’t deal with the emotional Okay, well, obviously you can’t deal with emotions, period. Because this is part of being human is dealing with death and being there for those that are dying, whether it’s a dog or a human. So anyway, that is my rant for the day. So, if you see a stray, you know what to do, go do it. Go do the right thing. So there that is okay.

Sorry, this is I love dogs. I love cats. I love all animals. I just love them. And it kills me when I see them being mistreated. And again, turning loose. That’s neglect. That’s what narcissists do is neglect. It’s like, okay, I can’t deal with this. I’m going to make it somebody else’s problem. So yeah, there it is. Okay, get myself back together, get myself back together.

Okay. So today, we’re going to talk about attachment. So, attachment is huge. So basically, it’s how our parents, and part of its genetic there’s obviously a genetic component to it too. So, nature nurture. So, what causes one kid to be able to attach better than another genetic component, obviously the eternal question nature, nurture, nature, nurture. So, there is a genetic component to it. Some kids are a little bit more resilient, and others are a little bit more sensitive, and that’s okay.

Kris Godinez  10:02

So, if you’ve got a parent who is abusive neglectful not present, verbally abusive, sexually abusive, mentally abusive, emotionally abusive, totally checked out. It creates an insecure attachment. So, let’s talk about the different attachments so you understand what the heck we’re talking about here. Okay, let me get to attachments.

Okay Attachments are the emotional bonds that are formed between the infant and the caregiver. And it is the means by which the helpless infant gets primary needs met. So, in a healthy attachment, that caregiver is there, you know, like no question like the baby cries, the caregiver comes and changes the diapers or feeds them or comforts them or whatever the child… plays with them, whenever the child is needing at that moment, and that child knows by repeated, you know, crying events that that parent is going to be there to comfort them because that’s crying is the only way they can communicate when they’re that little so and what a lot of abusers do is they do the whole let them cry it out thing Oh, hell no, You never do that with a child because that shows the child that the world is not safe, and nobody is coming to help them. Which is not good because infants are helpless. Like, literally they can’t do it for themselves. They don’t have the cognitive ability; they don’t have the physical ability. So crying is their way of communicating that is a form of communication, and I see abusers use that against the kid and punish them for crying. Can I tell you how much I hate abusers? I really frickin hate them, like, to the core because they go after the most vulnerable, and that’s children. They go after the child. They go after the baby, you know, they get along with kids somewhat, unless they’re really truly psychopathic until they’re about No, no two, three, when the kids start saying no and oh my god, then they hate that kid, or five or six. That’s another stage that kids go through when they’re playing and discovering who they are and drawing boundaries and things like that. So, an abuser will punish the child for normal communication. So crying is a normal form of communication for an infant. So, a healthy attachment is that child cries their needs get met though Mom, Dad caregiver, whoever that is, comes in, meets their needs, changes their diapers, feeds them, plays with them, you know, cuddles them, etc, etc etc. If you’ve got inconsistent like totally mom, dad, you know, were checked out drug addict, abusive whatever, sometimes they would need the need. Sometimes they wouldn’t, sometimes they punish you. Sometimes they wouldn’t. Depending on where they were mentally kind of thing. So that creates an insecure attachment style.

Um, okay, so attachment provides the infant’s first coping system. It is a mental representation of the caregiver in the infant’s mind. One that can be summed up as a comforting mental presence in difficult moments. Attachment allows an infant to separate from the caregiver without distress and to begin exploring the world around him or her. So, this is why you see some kids have a real issue with separation. You know, they don’t feel secure. They feel they’re kind of like, are they coming back? Or are they not? Now, this can happen when and I hate this. In our society, both parents are having to work you get FMLA, but they give you, like, what six weeks off after having a brand-new baby will six weeks is not enough time for that little one to understand. Yeah, you’re going to keep coming back. Yeah, you’re going to keep coming back. Do you see where I’m going with that it just so much in our society needs to change. Oh my god, starting with how much time off parents get to bond with that baby. That is hugely important that time period is really important for that child to understand that that person that caregiver is coming back.

So okay, hold on, hold on. Um, okay, attachments early in life. So, children with a secure attachment may be distressed upon separation, but warmly welcome the caregiver back through eye contact and hug seeking. Okay. So, it’s a secure attachment. They might be distressed when they leave, but they kind of know, okay, they’re coming back. Oh, good. They’re back. Okay, we’re good, you know, and they look at them and they laugh, and they want to hug them and all that sort of good stuff.

Anxious resistant attachment describes a child who is frightened, terrified by separation and continues to display anxious behavior once the caregiver returns because they don’t trust that the caregiver is going to stay or that the caregiver is going to consistent consistently return. There’s no consistency there, and so they don’t trust, and that makes a ton of sense. So, Let’s take this a step further. So, we come into adulthood, and we may have had abusive relationships romantically or with, you know, having a boss that was an abuser or friends that were toxic or whatever. And we start getting healthy, and we go, Oh my God, I don’t trust. This is why this is why. So, this is why I keep saying, the inner child workbook, and I don’t care which author you use, whoever speaks to you the best, I guess, is a good way to put it. So, either the Katherine Taylor one, which is a little bit outdated, because she has you do some like, you know, collages and things like that, and who owns magazines nowadays, seriously, but you know, or I wish they’d updated that would be really cool. Um, or the Cappacchione one where they have you write the child with your nondominant hand and write the adult with the dominant hand. So, it comes at it from two different ways. I like the Catherine Taylor one, because it’s more experiential. It’s more like, imagine holding yourself as a baby, imagine what your garden looks like, as a child, what does that garden look like? Is it barren? Is it a desert? Is it a jungle? What does it look like? So, it’s very. It’s coming at it from two different directions. So, both of them could be good. I do like the Katherine Taylor one a little bit better. But that’s also because I like the experiential stuff. I like Holding, holding yourself as an infant, I like grabbing the applesauce and snaring it in your hair and seeing what comes up, you know? So um, yeah, so anyway, inner child workbook work on the inner child attachment. What was your relationship like, with your parents? Were they there? Were they consistent? Are they loving? Were they kind? Or were they addicts? Were they absent? Were they abusive? Were they just not present? They might have been there physically but were they not there mentally, it really does affect us. And it creates that lack of trust. It does. It’s like It’s deep.

So that lack of trust is deep. So, when I tell people when they’re like, Well, how do I learn to trust again, work on the inner child, please, please, please, please work on the inner child, work on the inner child work on the self-esteem workbook in conjunction with the inner child workbook, because you’re dealing with a bunch of subconscious thoughts that you’re not even aware of, that are running in the background telling you how safe or not the world is. And we tend to make mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs, etc., become somehow factual as opposed to wait a minute here I’m having this thought and I need to challenge it. Where did I get this thought from? And a lot of times, people are like, I don’t know where I got this thought from. I don’t even know. I mean, it’s so kind of foggy. Well, it could be foggy, because it’s been there since you were itty bitty. So, it’s a really good idea. Get with a good trauma therapist, seriously, hand to heart, swear to whatever deity you believe in that’s on the side of good. Get a good trauma therapist, because you’re going to need it; you’re going to need it this trauma, this trauma response. We’re going to talk more about that. So, all of this stuff, all of the trauma responses go back to attachment. They go back to self-esteem, they go back to the inner child. You know, I keep saying that. Everybody’s like, no, that’s too easy. That’s no. It’s got to be more difficult than that. Oh, honey, it’s difficult when you start going through it, trust me because you start feeling all this stuff. I mean, difficult.

Kris Godinez  18:35

I mean, it’s a challenge. It is because you start feeling all of these emotions, and you start having memories. And then you know, it’s kind of like, Oh, my God, but it’s a good thing. It’s a good thing. Don’t freak out. When you start remembering things. That’s what we want. Because then once you drag this stuff into the light, now you can see it. Now you can address it, and you can basically go, ah, I hear you knocking. You can’t come in, I see you, I hear you. You’re full of doodoo. Go pound sand. Buh bye, buh bye now by write when you get work, but do you see where I’m going without? So yeah, it’s really, it’s really, really important to get a good trauma therapist to help you with this. You need somebody who has been there, done that, gets it is able to comfort you through this because this is this is terrifying to a child, inner child, inner child. So, you know, when you’re dealing with all of this attachment stuff, if you need somebody who can be like that, kind of like a substitute parent, a substitute adult. So, you know, a therapist who’s going to be comforting, and there and good boundaries and you know, that kind of thing. So, get with a good trauma therapist. EMDR would be a great way to go. CBT would be a great way to go. You need to confront those mistaken thoughts and those mistaken beliefs about who you are and what is your safety in this world. Okay, hold on more to this. No, that’s not the one I want. Hang on.

Oh, avoidant attachment. So we went through the secure attachment, the anxious resistant attachment. avoidant attachment denotes a child who reacts fairly calmly to a parent separation but does not embrace them upon their return. So, it’s almost as if the kid is kind of like, leave stay. I don’t care, you know. And so, the parent comes back, and instead of being excited, which most kids would be, they’re kind of like, yeah, no, you’re going to leave again. So why do I care? Trauma response, trauma response. So that says to me that that kid has not had consistency in what’s going on in their life. You know, sometimes the parents or sometimes they’re not, they decided what the heck, I’m just going to do it my own damn self, if I could reach the counter,  I’d get my own bottle, you know, I mean, seriously. And I got to tell you guys, and there is such a correlation between the attachment style. And later on, in life, addictions. And in one of my clients said something brilliant earlier this week. They were like, you know, everybody wants to talk about tipping the bottle, but they don’t ever talk about what makes the bottle tip. And I went, Oh, my God, write that down. That’s brilliant. Put it in one of your poems. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh my god. So, it’s true. It’s like the attachment style is what makes the bottle tip. That’s what causes us to go use because we’re trying to numb the pain and the fear, lots of fear. Oh my god. So, there is very much a connection.

Okay. Alright, so getting back to this. Do Okay. Okay. So avoidant attachment is kind of like that leaves day, I don’t care, and they don’t get excited. You know, eventually, that turns into not asking for help, which is a trauma response. Not really allowing yourself to be vulnerable, also a trauma response. So, there’s that. Isn’t that interesting? There’s so interesting. All right.

Disorganized attachment is an is manifest an odd or ambivalent behavior toward a caregiver upon return, approaching but then turning away from them or even hitting the caregiver, and maybe the result of childhood trauma because the kids are scared and angry and they don’t know how to react. So that makes total sense.

Then on a completely different level, we’ve got reactive attachment disorder. reactive attachment disorder is a rare but serious condition in which an infant or young child does not establish healthy attachments with the parents or the caregivers. Now, this is usually in cases like, say, for example, people were adopting children from China and Romania. And if the children were not cuddled and held and loved and taken care of, they got this reactive attachment disorder. So, it may result it may reactive attachment disorder may develop because the child’s basic needs for comfort, affection, and nurturing are not met, and loving, caring, stable attachments with others are not established. So yeah, so orphanages that you know in other countries that did not take care of the kids it just ignored them, strap them down, didn’t feed them, didn’t cuddle with them, etc. Symptoms of reactive attachment disorder usually start in infancy. There’s little research on signs and symptoms of reactive attachment disorder beyond early childhood and remains uncertain whether it occurs in children older than five. Unexplained withdrawal, fear, sadness or irritability, sad or listless appearance, not seeking comfort, or showing no response when comfort is given. Failure to smile, watching others closely but not engaging in social interactions, failure to reach out when picked up, that’s because kids just, you know, pick me up, you know, that kind of thing. Um, no interest in playing peekaboo or other interactive games, behavior problems failing to seek support. So, you want to make sure if there is a child doing that, that they get into a pediatric psychiatrist. Absolutely, because this needs to be addressed immediately because this leads to other things risk factors. The child lived in an institution frequently changes foster homes or caregivers, parents who have severe mental health problems, criminal behavior or substance abuse, it’s impairing parenting have prolonged separation from parents or other caregivers due to repeated out-of-home placement, hospitalization or death of a primary caregiver. If without proper treatment, reactive attachment disorder can continue for several years and may have will have lifelong consequences. This can include problems with relationships, social interactions, mental and physical health, behavior, intellectual development, and substance abuse. More research is needed to determine if problems and older children and adults are related to experiences of reactive attachment disorder in early childhood. Can I just say yes to that already? So yeah. So basically, its intervention would be trauma, trauma therapists, trauma therapist working on the abuse, working on the trauma, working on self-esteem working on re healthy attachments. Okay, hold on, I wanted to get to, ah, okay.

Attachment styles in adulthood. Attachment security and behaviors have been studied in adult relationships. And this is on psychology today. And really, attachment related patterns that differ between individuals are called attachment styles. Okay, many adults feel secure in the relationship and comfortable depending on others echoing secure attachment and children. So, one way to heal. Attachment is to surround yourself with Healthy People basically, is what they’re saying. So, you can get healthier and more secure in your attachment if you surround yourself with healthy people. So again, this all, it all connects, it all connects. So, you remember how I was talking about when we start getting healthy, we start moving toxic people out of our life, and it starts feeling lonely and we start going, Oh, my God, I’m alone. I’m alone. Well, take a deep breath. You were alone, when you were with all of these toxic people, you’re making room for the Healthy People. So, you really aren’t alone. You’ve got somebody to turn to. You’ve got somebody healthy; you can say I’m having a tough day; can we talk you know, that’s what you need. You need friends you need, we are pack animals no different than dogs. We need our path we need our friends. We need relationships that are healthy, we need people we can turn to and people we can learn to trust with. So, this is really important to start working with a trauma therapist to get this handled. Okay.

Ah, okay. Okay. Others tend to feel anxious about their connections with close others or prefer avoiding getting close to them in the first place. So, these are persons with borderline personality disorder, characterized by a longing for intimacy and hypersensitivity to rejection, have shown a high prevalence and severity of insecure attachment. So borderline personality disorder is born of trauma. So, if there are issues with borderline personality disorder, really inappropriate behavior, inappropriate reactions. Overly fearful of abandonment, things like that, get with a trauma therapist. DBT is wonderful for that get with a DBT therapist that understands borderline personality disorder, understands trauma, and can help the person worked through that. So, getting back to it.

Kris Godinez  28:08

Okay. People with an insecure attachment, they worry about being alone. I often worry that my romantic partner doesn’t really love me. Some high in attachment avoidance likely worries about other people getting too close. So, can you change your attachment style? Yes, attachment styles can absolutely be changed substantially over time research suggests that name and may differ from relationship to relationship enduring terrible relationships may lead to less secure attachment orientation. And a history of supportive relationships may lead to increased security. So that’s what I’m saying therapy in providing a safe connection and opportunity to learn create relational skills is also helpful. So, in other words, surrounding yourself with healthy people, getting a good trauma therapist addressing what you went through as a kid.

Okay, hold on. I’m going to go through this last article. This is choosing therapy.com. This is called attachment trauma signs, causes, and how to heal. So, we’ve already gone through the avoidant, anxious, disorganized, insecure. We’ve talked about that. We’ve talked about what attachment trauma is, and we’ve talked about how it happens. Signs of attachment trauma in adults strong need for independence and autonomy, and control in relationships, difficulty feeling closeness with others, and avoiding relationships that require intimacy because we’re afraid or, conversely, strong need for closeness, so like clingy with others to the point that they may drive other people away. Being on alert for signs that the other person is unhappy in a relationship. Questioning one’s self-worth all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time. Viewing everyone else romantic partner in black or white in black or white terms such as all good or bad, all good, all bad. All nothing Black and White. That’s called splitting. Okay, let’s get to okay consequences difficulty in interpersonal relationships, unstable or negative sense of self. That makes sense. Okay, coping with attachment trauma, you’ve got to understand the impact of your past. You can’t just go up. It’s in the past. We’re done. I’m not going to deal with it. You’ve got to acknowledge the impact of your past. And you’ve got to start working on healing from childhood trauma inner child workbook Catherine Taylor inner child workbook with Cappacchione. It can be painful to think about your early childhood experiences but empathizing with how you felt as an infant, or a child is hugely important. You can shift your focus to the present by reflecting on how your early childhood has impacted you and how you behave in your adult relationships. Understanding your patterns is one of the first steps toward change and healing. Develop connections that encourage strength and resilience.

Once you’re aware of the patterns in your relationship and how your past has shaped them, you can choose to approach building connections in a different way. seek out relationships that are mutually beneficial, so not people pleasing, not somebody you have to chase, but a mutually benefiting friendship. If you feel like you are to being taken advantage of, put down, or abused, you can choose to end that relationship and set healthy boundaries. If you are struggling in this area. Get with a good trauma therapist. You can also consider support groups, group therapy, or recreational activities where you can meet like-minded people. Yes, that is how you meet healthier people is by doing things you love. Get comfortable with honest communication. Communication is an important life skill that most of us are not taught, especially if we’re in a disordered family. We tend to follow the example set by our family and peers. Assertive communication involves expressing your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a clear manner. It is firm but respectful. It differs from passive communication, where you give in to others, and aggressive communication, where you aggressively demand from others. Again, if you’re struggling with communication, get with a trauma therapist. Again, that’s going to be the big answer. And most of these connect with your body. The body keeps score by Bessel Vander Kolk excellent book, highly recommend it, get it, read it, work it, love it, love it, there we go.

Attachment trauma can impact how you feel about yourself in your body. Making an effort to connect with yourself and your body can help you heal. So, a lot of us that were abused and had families of origin that were just, you know, totally dysfunctional and not helpful. Very disconnected from our body. And even though I’ve been working on myself for a really, really, really long time, when I do something new like Pilates right? And I start doing like the higher classes. Boy, Howdy, I realize how still disconnected from my body I am, not horribly, but enough to be like, Huh, that’s weird. I thought I worked on that. Well, time to work on it again, deeper. So yeah, we get disconnected from our body from ourselves literally in more ways than one. So, reconnecting with the self the self-esteem workbook, Glenn Schiraldi the self-esteem, not other esteem, not your job, not what you can do for people, not how productive you are your self-esteem workbook, Glenn Schiraldi and he also addresses mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs, and how to challenge them, which is why I’m saying that’s going to help with attachment. So, there is that so getting back in touch with your body.

Okay, where was I?  There are many approaches to this. You can do a body scan, meditation, mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, yoga, pilates, breath work, taking note of how your body feels when you move, and establishing your own limits and boundaries for your body can help you feel more connected and more in control. Research on yoga for trauma is still emerging, but it shows promising results. If possible. It may be best to find a yoga teacher that specifically works with trauma healing, and yes, they are out there. Okay. I will get to the questions in just a second. Consider trauma-focused therapy. Therapy can help you explore your attachment trauma and understand its impact on you today. Developing a therapeutic relationship with a provider you trust also gives you the opportunity to experience a secure attachment. This experience can be transformative, transformative, and can help you cultivate other safe connections in your life. Trauma-focused therapy can also teach you healthy ways to communicate, set boundaries and cope with negative feelings. There are several different forms of therapy that treat trauma. EMDR has one I reprocess cognitive behavioral therapy, which is what I do. You can find a therapist by asking for a referral from a friend. That is honestly, the best way to find a therapist is somebody who really loves their therapist and recommends them that is word of mouth is the best way. You can also search online directories betterhelp.com/KrisGodinez, that’s another good resource.

Signs that you are healing from attachment trauma. Healing from attachment trauma is complex. It involves working through your past traumas understanding how they have impacted you, and developing new beliefs and new behaviors in relationships. It can be hard to know if you’re healing, kind of like seeing the forest through the trees. Depending on the person, the process can take months or even years, but it’s not impossible. It can be done. Signs that you are healing from attachment trauma include you have close and meaningful relationships and friendships. You’re able to communicate your feelings to others. You’re able to set healthy boundaries in your relationships. You have a healthy view of others and understand that people are imperfect. You accept your past and don’t beat yourself up for it. You have self-confidence and self-esteem workbook Lynch roll the inner child workbook Lucia Cappacchione or Catherine Taylor. If you’re working on healing from attachment trauma, you may not be seeing results immediately. But don’t panic. It takes time to heal. It takes practice as well. So, you may consider trying something that you haven’t tried before, like seeing a therapist. Either way, don’t give up. Healing from attachment is possible.

Final Thoughts attachment trauma is painful, but healing is possible. It can and probable if you do the work. It can be difficult to do on your own. But therapy, self-care learning new ways to communicate, and connecting with yourself and others can be extremely helpful. If you’re struggling, even with the workbooks, get with a therapist get with a therapist that specializes in attachment issues, trauma, etc. And they can help you work through the workbooks. So, what I do with my clients is, I tell them, Okay, you know, you’re having a hard time getting through the inner child workbook, let’s work it together, or you’re having a hard time getting through the self-esteem workbook. Let’s work it together. Let’s bring it in. Let’s read it through. Let’s do the exercises together.

Kris Godinez  37:19

Let’s see what’s going on. A lot of times, the reason people resist that is because they’re afraid. Because what happens if I change? What happens if I let go of this identity that I’ve had for so long? What happens if I let go of all the toxic people what happens? If so, they’re living in a future that hasn’t quite happened yet. And they’ve already decided it’s going to be bad as opposed to freedom. You know what I’m saying. So, it’s really important to understand your inner child is going to be resistant to change a lot of times and to comfort, comfort, comfort, comfort, comfort, comfort, comfort, comfort, and I don’t mean with chocolate.

So, when you’re dealing with the inner child, and the inner child is afraid, you can imagine speaking to the inner child, holding the inner child, comforting the inner child, standing next to the inner child or behind the inner child and letting them know you’ve got their back, it’s going to be okay, it’s going to be different, but it’s going to be okay. And that they’re safe, and they’re okay, and you’re not going to let anything that happened to them. Unlike what happened to you when you were little. So, it’s really important to comfort your inner child, love yourself, do self-care, get with a good trauma therapist, work the books I recommend. There’s a reason I recommend these books. So, if talking to your inner child is too scary or painful or weird, because some people are like, Oh, that’s weird. I don’t want to do it. Great. Write them a love letter. Dear little three-year-old me. I love you. Oh my god. Wow. You know, and here’s what’s great about you. And here’s how you got us through to adulthood. And here’s how much I love you and I’m going to protect you and I know this happened to you when you were a kid. You know what? Just a memory. Those a holes cannot hurt you anymore. I won’t let it happen. See where I’m going with that. So, keep in communication with the inner child is super, super important.

Okay, to recap, attachment issues are real it comes from neglect or abuse it does. How our caregivers treated us, either consistently or inconsistently, really affects how we view the world. Are we secure? Are we insecure? Are we avoidant? Are we, you know, terrified all the time? Do we not trust? Are we kind of like, I’ll do it my own damn self, all of that goes back to attachment. All of it. It is a trauma response. CPTSD from surviving to thriving P Walker. Excellent. Get it? Read it, work it. Your body keeps score. The body keeps score Bessel Vander Kolk get it, read it, work it. Get a trauma therapist. All of these things are going to help you, and yes 100%, You can heal this stuff. You absolutely can’t now but does this mean it’s going to poof go away, and you’re never going to have to deal with it again? No Um, like I said, I was in Pilates the other day. And I was doing what was I doing? I was doing something. Oh, I had to do balance. So, we were doing like one-legged, pelvic tilts. And I was just like, oh, oh dear, I am really disconnected. Wow. Because I cannot find my balance down there. Hmm. Interesting. So just something I need to work on, something I need to write about something. I need to journal something I need to process. It’s just uh huh. It’s not. Oh, you can’t do this. It’s more of Uh huh. I can’t do this. Well, what’s that? Where did? Where did that come from? You know, and you work through it. That’s it. You get curious, get curious. Don’t get judgmental. Get curious. So there that is. You can heal from attachment issues go you. So mirror work. Hi, good to see you. Have a great day. I give you permission to work on your childhood and then walk out. Work all the books, you’ve got this. You’ve got this. You can do it. All right, let’s get to the questions since I went long. today. All right.

Should we be with our narc parents when they are dying? I’ve been no contact for eight years. No, you were under no obligation to be with the parents if they were abusive. So let me clarify my earlier, earlier comments. narcissists tend to abandon dogs; narcissists tend to abandon parents that actually loved them. If, however, the parent was abusive, and you’ve been no contact, don’t break the No Contact. They’re not; it’s not going to be this miraculous. They’re not going to be nice to your kind of thing. So basically, you’re not a bad person for staying no contact. You’re not a bad person for not seeing them. What I’m talking about is if you’ve been with his dog for 12 years, and you just suddenly are like, no, I can’t handle it being dead and being gone. Or you’ve got a family member that’s actually been kind and good to you and shoved them into an old age home and don’t ever talk to them again. That’s the kind of thing I’m talking about. I am not talking about an abuser that you’ve been no contact with for 18 years that’s dying. You’re under no obligation to ever speak to them again. And it’s different because they’re abusive. Does that make sense? So, I hope that clarifies that.

If you’re afraid of everything, which is called agoraphobia, fear can be mistaken as excitement. I fear nothing at the same time. Yeah, yeah, it can. Because we haven’t. Nobody ever taught us how to feel emotions. And nobody ever taught us how to separate them all out. So that makes total sense. I fear nothing. At the same time, I face things head on, it’s better to go through it than around it. Am I wrong? Well, here’s the thing. Facing things is actually kind of a good thing. I kind of feel the same way. And maybe that’s a trauma response. I’m not sure. But I feel the same way. Like facing things. Like, let’s handle it. Let’s get her done. Kind of thing. Um, but you’ve got to make sure it’s a mindfulness thing. So, Is it fear that’s driving you? Or is it something that needs to be done? So, I would say journal it out, you know, Is it fear that’s being driven here? Or is it something that truly needs to be done? You know, I like to face things head-on. That’s just the kind of person I am. And, but, and you want to make sure if the motivation sounds like an actor, what’s their motivation? Um, you want to make sure what the motivation is; it’s like, are you doing it out of a healthy, facing things and getting through it? Or are you doing it out of fear?

And separating out excitement and fear is going to be hugely important because if you’re responding to fear as excitement, that can also get you into trouble. So, journal, journal, get with a therapist work it through. So, there is that.

What do you think about Homecoming, reclaiming and healing your inner child by John Bradshaw? Catherine Taylor’s book is so huge. I can’t do it. I have not read John Bradshaw’s book. So, I don’t know. I don’t know. I know some people get intimidated because the book looks really thick. And again, it’s for you. It is really for you. This is a gift to you. So, if the Katherine Taylor one is too intimidating, go for the Lucia Cappacchione one that’s a little bit thinner. But remember, every book is for you to love you. And for you to heal you. It is a gift to you. So read the read the homecoming one if that works. If you like it, then that’s great. I have not read it. So, I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s good or not. So, but do what works. But don’t be off put just because a book is thick because a lot of the stuff is exercises. A lot of the things she hasn’t her workbooks are things you have to actually do. So, um, yeah. So, try it. Try the book. Let me know how it is, you know, if you like it, if you read the book and you like it, let me know if you read the book and you hate it. Also, let me know, let me know why. So, I can kind of help guide people when they’re like, oh, what other books do you have? So, yeah, that’s, that’s that. And basically, it’s like, whatever workbook works for you. I don’t care as long as it is moving you forward and moving you away from abuse. That’s all I care about. I just want you guys to be healthy. That’s really my whole goal.

Okay. Do narcissistic parents cause a detachment of the child? And parent? Oh, oh, yes. Oh, my Lord. So, this kind of goes back to the pet thing too. So, a narcissistic partner, male or female, doesn’t matter will be jealous of the child. I know there’ll be jealous of the dog. They’ll be jealous of the cat. There’ll be jealous of the hamster, the turtle, the tortoise, whatever is getting attention that they’re not getting, so they’ll be jealous of the child. Absolutely. And they will encourage because my dad did this. Oh, my God. So okay. So, my dad was jealous of my middle sister. And when my middle sister would cry, he insisted that my mom let her cry it out. My sister cried so hard; she ended up getting a hernia as a baby. Okay, I’m not okay with that theory of parenting. I think it’s abuse. It is abuse. And he was angry every time my mom had to pay attention to one of us, and this continued on through all of our lives. He was jealous of me. He was jealous of my other sisters. I don’t know why. Let’s put it this way this man, and I use the term man loosely, will never win Father of the Year award.

Kris Godinez  47:01

So, they are jealous of the child there. They are envious. They want the attention, and they will encourage the other parent to not bond with the child. 110%. You betcha.

Okay. My narc mother was someone I never had a bomb bond with. Well, if she was a narcissist, they wouldn’t know how to bond anyway, because narcissists do not know emotions. They don’t know how to deal with it. They don’t know how to relate to that little, tiny infant, you know, who needs to be held and loved and kissed and cuddled and comforted and fed and everything else. Um, when she died, I had no feelings of grief or anything. So, when my dad died, he was the narcissist in my life. When my dad died. I was not sad because he was dead. In fact, when he died, Mom and I sat on the couch and went thank God, that son of a bitch is dead. Seriously, because with a narcissist, they’re abusive or neglectful. There’s no connection. I couldn’t relate to this guy to literally to save my life. I had to leave home when I was 17 because he was so abusive. You know, it just was not a good thing. When he died. I felt nothing. Stop it. Siri, I felt nothing. I was not sad for him. I was not sad that he was gone. When I was sad about, and I talked about it in my book. What’s wrong with your dad? What I was sad about available on Amazon. What I was sad about was the if only he hadn’t been crazy. If only he wasn’t a narcissist, or borderline because he had both I think, you know, if only he wasn’t cruel. If only he wasn’t mean, if only he wasn’t, you know, completely detached from reality, if only he was willing to go get therapy and work on himself. If only if only if only if only. That’s what I was sad about. I was sad about, and I was sad for my siblings. Oh, boy. This is the day, isn’t it? So, we were sitting at a table, and I told the story before. And all of our siblings were telling me about my dad because we all had the same day, we had different moms. And my brother was saying; Now I’ll never get his approval. And he was right because my brother tried so hard to get my dad’s approval his entire life. And, of course, my dad never approved of him. My brother was a MacGyver, so he could fix literally spit and string. He could fix anything. And I thought it was brilliant. My dad, because it wasn’t academic, put him down, told him how stupid he was. He told all of us how stupid we were. And of course, that’s projection. Hello. But of course, we didn’t know that as kids. So, my poor brother was sitting there going well, now I’ll never get his approval. And, of course, my brother never got the help he needed either. And it just the wake of destruction is what hit me when my dad died. It was like, you absolute bastard. How dare you damage all of these kids who did not deserve it? You know, and if you had been willing to admit you were wrong number one and get help. Number two, things would have been so much different and so much better. But narcissists can’t. And so, when my Narcissus died, I felt nothing. I did and and there’s nothing wrong with that. Let’s be clear because there’s nothing there. There’s, there’s no they’re there with them. And there’s no bond, and there’s no emotional connection or attachment. Now, when my mom died, I was a freaking mess. I miss her. I do a lot. And I mean, she had her issues. And we’ve talked about this, but you know, when she died, there was an emotional connection. And I really, I really grieved her hard. My dad? Peace out, dude, go pound sand. Hope I don’t ever see you in the afterlife, you know? Is there no connection at all? And my mom and I felt a lot of relief. She felt guilty too. She was like, oh my god, I shouldn’t feel this way. And I was like, stop. He was mean. He was mean to you. He was mean to your children. Yeah, it’s okay for you to not grieve Him and to be glad he’s dead. Because frankly, I am. You know, and so it’s okay. It’s okay. It’s normal. When we lose, lose. When a narcissist departs the room, we’re actually okay. We’re not really sad. But we’re sad for the what ifs are the only if all these you know what if this had happened or if that had happened, of course, that’s a little inner child, I can guarantee you that 10 may be thinking about that, if only if only if only. So yeah, so just be gentle with you, sweetie. That’s normal. We’re not going to grieve an abuser, really. Some people will. Some people will. But it’s more grieving the if onlys than it is really grieving the loss of the person who used to cause you so much harm. So there that is. So, you’re okay. It’s okay. And yes, they do interfere with attachment, you know, they keep the other parent from caring for the child and taking care of them, etc.

Okay, what if those thoughts about the perceived ill intent of another person are indeed true? And your intuition is telling you that, but somebody else is telling you it’s all in your head? Okay. Well, if the evidence is telling you it’s true, then it’s true. You know, and here’s what I’ve noticed with abusers and disordered people is that they love to sew doubt in the target of abuse’s mind. So, for example, I’m dealing with divorce cases, okay. The abuser will say or do something that sews confusion or doubt in the healthy parent’s mind, and it’s intentional. So oh, you’re crazy. Oh, this isn’t what’s really, this isn’t what’s really happening. You’re imagining it’s gaslighting. So, you know, if it’s really happening, you document everything you check in with people that are sane, Hey, this is what I’m seeing. Are you seeing this too? Or am I smoking the ganja? That’s what you do. This is why having healthy friends is really important because they’re kind of like, hey, I need a reality check here. Is this really happening? So, for example, I’ve had clients that will call me and be like, can we talk for 15 minutes? I just need 15 minutes. Yeah, of course. So, they’ll call in my ex said this or did this and I feel crazy. Am I crazy? And then we’ll go through what happened. And I’ll be like, Okay, back it up. Do you remember when they did this? Yes, I remember that. Okay. Trust your gut. You know what I’m saying? So that’s why it’s good to have somebody to do a reality check with. But if it is true, you know, other people are seeing it, and you’ve got the documentation for yourself that yes, this is happening. And somebody else is trying to say, oh, it’s all in your head. You want to take a look at that flying monkey? Or you want to take a look at that abuser and see what is their agenda? What is their agenda to make you trust, not trust yourself? What is their agenda to tell you? It’s all in your head? Because that’s kind of an insult? Do you see where I’m going with that? So, check it out. What is their, what is their endgame? What is your plan? What is their agenda? What’s their goal? Why are they doing that? What do they get out of it? That’s always the question to ask, and trust your gut.

Okay, um, well, would DBT therapy be the same therapist that can help you through complicated grief first, so DBT is a modality. So, it doesn’t matter what the issue is. The modality is DBT Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. So they can help with depression, anxiety, grief, etc, etc, etc. So yeah, you could absolutely do that. Working through the grief first, I love my therapist, but I need someone who will help hold me accountable. Okay. Well, if the therapist is not holding you accountable, you may need a completely different therapist. So basically, a good therapist holds you accountable. A good therapist is like, are you doing the work? Why aren’t you doing the work? What’s going on? What’s stopping you? What is the fear? What is the this? What is that? And then working on the grief, you know, complicated grief is complicated. Because we may have loved our abuser, like, you know, on some level, like a little kid level, I loved my dad because, you know, he was my dad. But as an adult, I did not love my dad. So that’s complicated because it’s kind of like, okay, the inner child love my dad, but the adult me did not love my dad. And I didn’t miss him when he died. But I can guarantee my inner child was the one that got triggered when my brother said, Now I’ll never get his approval. Does that make sense? So, you need a therapist who’s going to work with you through all of those complicated, sometimes opposing emotions, and who’s going to hold you accountable? And have you do the work and call you on it when you don’t? And gently kind of be like, what’s going on? How can you not you know, what’s, what’s stopping you? What’s stopping you from working on this? What’s the fear? What are you telling yourself? What’s the mistaken thought? What is the mistaken belief and help you push through it? So yeah, you want a therapist that will keep you moving forward? You don’t want one? This is what drives me crazy and Bessel van der Kolk talked about this when we, he comes to Phoenix every once in a while, and he does continuing education units. And he was talking about therapists who just uh huh, uh huh. Uh huh. How do you feel about that? And keep the person coming for years as opposed to holding them accountable, pushing them forward, giving them coping skills so that they can do it on their own? Because that’s the ultimate goal, you know. So yeah, if your therapist is not helping you move forward and if they’re just uh huh, uh huh.

Kris Godinez  56:57

Get a different therapist. That would be my suggestion. So okay, is that it? That is it. All right, my love’s go have a great week. Please take good care of yourselves. Talk to you guys later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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The post 12-11-2022 Healing Attachment appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Hello and welcome to We Need to Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Hi, guys, today’s current event, Merriam Webster, declared “gaslighting” the word of the year and I’m thrilled because this means that the education is getting out, which is phenomenal, but I don’t want the true meaning of the word gaslighting to be lost. Gaslighting should be a blaring red flag that shouldn’t be ignored, like a siren going off like tornado is incoming, you know, that kind of thing. It’s been kind of to simply explain it, people say oh, it’s lying. Well, it’s more than lying. Gaslighting is intentionally lying and changing the history, rewriting the history in order to confuse the target of abuse in order to make the target of abuse question their reality. That’s what gaslighting is. It’s based on the play in the movie, where the bad guy would, you know, use the gaslight up in the attic to try to find the treasure; he married this woman he was going to steal her family fortune from her. And so, the gaslights in the lower parts of the house would keep changing. And he kept saying, Oh, no, that nothing’s changing. You’re not seeing that that’s not happening. You’re crazy. Sound familiar? So, the real meaning of the outside who’s not just lying. It’s lying with the absolute intent of warping the target’s perception of reality. So, I’m thrilled, on one hand, that it’s finally out there. It is now the word of the year, which means Merriam Webster, which means that it’s being used a lot of people are recognizing it. And though we’ve got to understand that if somebody is gaslighting, they are trying to intentionally change the perception of the person they are lying to. So, it’s more than just, it’s more than just lying. It’s with the intent of causing the person absolute confusion. It’s with the intent of causing the person to question their own reality question their own perception. So, keep the education up, guys, keep sharing the videos, keep sharing, keep sharing and keep, keep talking about it. Because it’s working. It’s working, people are learning, people are learning and that’s what we need. So, we need to have all of the words involved with domestic violence be known, right? So that it’s no longer this hidden thing that we don’t talk about. We don’t mention we don’t want to ever. So, I’m thrilled that Merriam-Webster made gaslighting the word of the year. I just don’t want the actual deep meaning of it to be lost. It’s more than just lying. It is lying with the intent of changing the target of abuse’s perception of reality. That’s what gaslighting is. So, continue to educate guys continue to share, continue to educate, and call it out when you see it. You know, call it out. If you see it in public spots, call it out. You know, if you see it in politicians, call it out. If you see it in your everyday stuff, call it out. No more of this stuff. The problem is, is that the abusive behavior has become normalized, and that’s not okay. We never want to normalize abusive behavior that cannot be the norm because once that becomes the norm, then it’s like free for all; you know what I’m saying? So, when we are able to call it out and make it unacceptable, make it unacceptable to treat people the way narcissists treat people, the way that abusers treat people. That’s a very good thing. So, this, to me, is a step in the absolute right direction. So, they Merriam Webster, or so, yeah, so keep educating, keep sharing, keep doing whatever it is you guys are doing because it’s working. It’s working, and I’m thrilled. So anyway, there it is.

All right. So medical trauma. So, I’ve gotten this one a couple of times from listeners that have said can you do something medical trauma. All right. So medical trauma is created when we are in a situation under the care, loving care sometimes of narcissists who are doctors. And we have a life-threatening event. And it’s a medical procedure and we get PTSD from it. So, remember, trauma. PTSD comes from trauma. And it doesn’t matter what the trauma is, it can be anything, it can be a medical event, it could be an accident, it could be witnessing an accident, it could be from having somebody be in the hospital, you can also be traumatized by that. So, trauma, medical trauma is more likely to occur if the person has had verbal, physical or mental abuse prior to the medical trauma, okay? And or if the person experiencing the medical trauma was very little when they went into the hospital or whatever.

So, in cases, say, for example, the child has something that forces them to be separated from their parents, their caregivers, and they’re in the hospital, that’s traumatic to a kid. And it drives me crazy when I hear doctors, nurses, not so much a lot these days. But when I was a younger person, they would say, oh, they’re too young. They don’t remember. Kids can remember guys, if they can’t remember cognitively, they are going to remember body-wise, remember, the body keeps score, we remember things physically. So medical trauma is going through a medical procedure or having a very traumatic event happened, that involves doctors, nurses, etc, etc, etc.

And it’s PTSD. And so just like, Okay, so for example, how many people hate going to the dentist? Okay, if you talk to them, if you talk to people that hate going to the dentist, the number one reason why is because they’ve had a very, very bad traumatic experience with a dentist. So, it was either painful or the dentist was rough with them or, you know, something like that. That’s all trauma. You’re not crazy. That’s all trauma. You know, so, okay, I wanted to talk specifically about, okay, medical trauma effects treatments and how to cope.

This is on choosing therapy.com Oh, yeah, I can make it bigger. That’s awesome. Okay, medical trauma is a form of psychological trauma resulting from medical diagnosis or intervention. The resulting symptoms can include post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, and disrupted sleep. Through acknowledgment and acceptance and with the proper treatment from a mental health care professional one, that’s not a narcissist, thank you very much. Most people can manage their symptoms and experience a full recovery from this kind of trauma. So basically, the big thing is you acknowledge it, you acknowledge it, it’s like, oh, hell, yeah. I don’t like going to the doctor, or I don’t like hospitals, or I don’t like whatever and think about it. What would cause that kind of trauma? Well, if you’re a little, little, little one, and even if you’re not a little, a little, little one, and you’re just a normal, you know, adult, you have no control. Power has been taken away from you. If you’re having to have an emergency surgery, you got no say in this, you know, and so your life is literally in the hands of total strangers, that stressful, just a tich, you know what I’m saying? So, it makes perfect sense. Couple that with the fact that there are a lot of medical professionals out there that have no business being in my profession or in the medical profession. So, because they’re, they’re narcissists. They’re abusers, and we’re going to get to how to deal with those kinds of Jack wagons.

Recovery from trauma of any kind can be a challenge, but you don’t have to do it alone. So again, you can call betterhelp.com/KrisGodinez, find a good trauma therapist, find somebody who is trauma-informed. And I want to be clear, I’ve had a couple of clients, potential clients, that think that trauma therapy is immediate, that it’s going to fix everything this second, it’s not, it’s not trauma is going to be a life-long thing, it’s always going to be there.

Kris Godinez  09:23

It’s not just going to magically disappear, it will lessen it will not be as intense, you’ll have better coping skills, that kind of thing. But it’s not like you’re going to go to therapy once or do an EMDR session once and magic pill, boom, everything’s done. And a lot of people, especially younger people, think somehow that EMDR or CBT, or whatever I do CBT that somehow, they’re going to go to one session, and it’s going to fix all the problems. That is not the way the world works. Trust me. If it did, I’d be retired, and I’d be running a bed and breakfast somewhere on a beach. So, you want to give yourself time If, and you also want to talk to your therapist and let them know what your expectations are so that they can bring you to reality. Or they can say, hey, here’s how it’s going to go. What are you, you know, what are you hoping to get out of this? That’s always what I tell people. It’s like, if you’re looking for a therapist, you know, make sure that the therapist is asking you, what do you hope to get out of therapy? What are you looking for so that I can help you get to that goal.

So okay, so medical, medical trauma, no different than any other trauma in that it’s still PTSD, anxiety, depression, okay. Yes, you can develop PTSD from medical trauma. They occur between five to 63% of ICU survivors. In one report, about one to five patients in the ICU have some level of PTSD. Again, it’s out of your control. You’ve got all of these people that are total strangers, poking and prodding you and putting things down your throat and oxygen and everything else. So yeah, it’s going to cause PTSD and especially if there’s been abuse in your childhood. And you’re, again, being poked, and prod and things like that it’s going to exacerbate the PTSD that’s already there. So, studies show that the risk factors of PTSD in patients in the ICU include pre-ICU anxiety or depressive disorders, sedation, and physical restraint. Yeah, because you’re, again, out of control, a recall of an ICU nightmares and psychotic experiences. The risk factors are applicable to other hospital settings as well. Signs of PTSD after medical trauma persistent intrusive thoughts or memories of aspects of the medical event, replaying the memory of getting the diagnosis or replaying the memory of the surgery, or replaying the memory of whatever event caused the PTSD. significant distress when confronted with reminders of the medical trauma, including medical appointments, absolutely. disruptions in treatment adherence due to trauma-related avoidance, overutilization of health care related to hypervigilance.

So, the lasting mental health effects of medical trauma, trauma experienced as a result of medical procedures, illness, and hospital stays can have lasting effects like the developing, I’m like developing anxiety and depression when the medical condition has been successfully treated, that doesn’t necessarily mean that the mental health issues related to the trauma will also end.

So, here’s there’s…. so many layers to this. Successful treatment great. But if you’re a child, in a hospital setting, and you had, like, something that was life-threatening, or you had something where you had to be immobilized, or you had something, and it was successfully treated, that’s great. But if you had trauma about that particular event, that’s still going to carry through because, remember, cognitively, kids don’t know how to cope with that kind of fear. And that kind of stress, especially if they’re little ones, you know, and I’ve had cases where the client has had to go into the hospital as a little one. And either the parents just didn’t visit, or the staff told them not to visit, which I can’t imagine a good doctor doing that. But you know, in that causes trauma for a child, it causes a be intimate, it feels like they’re being abandoned by their closest family. And they don’t know how to cope with that kind of fear. They don’t understand what’s going on, they don’t get it, you know, and, and if they’ve also got health care staff that is on the spectrum here, and I don’t mean the autism spectrum, I mean, the Narcissus spectrum, that doesn’t make it very easy for them. So, because you’ve got nurses or doctors that are being mean, bullying, and not helping if the child is crying, or if the child is upset or whatever, and so that causes that’s like double yay, double the trauma. So not only do you have the medical stuff going on, but you’re being abused by a narcissistic nurse or a narcissistic doctor or whatever, and that’s just not okay, not okay. We’re going to get to how to deal with those people in just a moment. Hold on make it back to this article.

Um, okay, those who experience medical trauma may also develop PTSD, anxiety, depression, complicated grief, and somatic complaints. So, in other words, very concerned about the body, very concerned about what’s going on, and that, that’s common. Symptoms and responses to medical trauma are comparable with other types of physical trauma, like being in an automobile crash or experiencing physical abuse. The anxiety and depression Association of America ADA says that the difference between PTSD and the experience of trauma that is a traumatic event is time-based. Well, PTSD is a longer-term condition. And we’re one continues to re-experience the events and have flashbacks. So yeah, absolutely, you can have flashbacks, having had medical trauma.

Now something else that clients have reported to me. Now here in ours, you know, validating the medical trauma, now we’re going to slide into dealing with the providers that are jerks. Um, something else that clients have reported to me was being abused physically while they were under the care of a nurse, a physician, etc. So, what can you do? And here’s the thing I want to make very clear. Remember, abusers, no matter who they are, they go after the people that they think they can intimidate. And that they think they can abuse. And remember, we have no more meaning to them than this pencil. We are objects to them. So um, if you are dealing with a let me find that article, hang on just a second, let me get rid of this one. How to deal with an arrogant doctor. I love that. Okay. So, the thing of it is, talking to them is not going to do any good. So, I saw some articles that obviously did not get it that were like, oh, just talk to them? No, absolutely not. How? How much success have we ever had trying to talk logic to a narcissist? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller? You know, seriously, you’re not… you would have a deeper conversation with my backdrop. Seriously. So, if you’re dealing with an arrogant doctor, that is a red flag now, does that mean automatically that they’re necessarily bad? Hmm, maybe not. But if they’re not willing to work with you, if they’re not willing to communicate, if they’re not willing to be a human freaking being and assure you and calm you down and can help you with your fears, then this is probably not the right doctor for you, especially if you are dealing with a life-threatening situation like say, for example, cancer, or some other, you know, long term or terminal disease or possibly terminal disease. Do you see where I’m going with that? You want somebody who can be like, Hey, here’s the treatment plan. Here’s what we’re going to do, you know, you know, ask as many questions as you need to arrogant doctors don’t like to be questioned. You ever notice that? If you ask them a question, even if it’s like a reasonable one, they’re condescending as all get out. They look down at you. Like you’re an amoeba. And you, Why are you bothering me with this? Why? Well, for one thing, I’m paying your kid’s college tuition, you, Jack. So, you know what I’m saying? So, yeah, I personally, I would not stick with a doctor that was arrogant or narcissistic. Why? Well, because they don’t ever want to be wrong. You need a doctor who’s willing to go; hmm, this isn’t working. Maybe I was wrong. Let’s get a second opinion. Right? Or let’s try this other treatment or whatever. There have been these narcissistic doctors out there that, for their ego’s sake, will not refer out to a second opinion, get butthurt if you get a second opinion, you should always be able to go get a second opinion. second opinions are good means you have more eyes on it. Right? More eyes, the better. Right? So um, okay, let’s get back to this article. Um, okay. First of all, understand that this arrogant doctor would not deny he’s egotistical and would deny he was arrogant. He would also deny that he’s being a bully or has an inferiority complex. And yes, narcissists have an inferiority complex. That’s why they’re doing this upgrade. I’m quite right. Look how great I am. That kind of thing. In truth, he has developed that personality because it serves his purpose. People are so intimidated that they don’t even try to get to know him or ask questions or her, they can be female too.

Kris Godinez  19:10

He doesn’t want to be pleasant or kind because then people would discover just how inferior he or she is. Okay, um, he doesn’t want to be friendly because they don’t have emotions. Hello, um, recognize that this difficult personality… He may or may not be a good healthcare provider. I wouldn’t stay with them. I honestly wouldn’t. You need to work to discover whether this person can truly help you or not. Now, if this person really knows what they’re doing, that’s great. And you just got to know, okay, they’re arrogant. This is what they do. Personally, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t. I just I wouldn’t trust them. I don’t I don’t trust them to have their patients’ best interests at heart now. The only reason that they would is because they don’t want to be known as a doctor that kills their patients. So, I mean, there is that, but it’s kind of like lawyers who want to have the most wins in court, you know, it’s they don’t want to lose because it makes them look bad. So, all right. Ironically, their inferiority complex may work in your favor. If you have difficult illness or puzzling symptoms, he may want to prove his or her superiority and view you as a success as a health care provider. So that’s a possibility. I think that’s a very slight possibility. I don’t trust that. Communication is critical. So be sure that the doctor’s ego is not inhibiting your ability to communicate. So, like I said, a lot of these arrogant doctors and nurses, male and female, it’s not just male or female. they inhibit the patient’s ability to ask questions by getting that nasty, I’m better than you. You’re an amoeba. Why are you asking me this question? Honest to God, guys, it’s like, look, ask as many questions as you need to, and a good therapist, a good doctor, a good nurse, a good whatever, will be patient and will listen to your concerns and encourage you to ask questions and informed client and informed patient is a great client, a great patient because now they’ve got the information and they can help self soothe themselves. Does that make sense? Knowledge is power.

So, you know, because when you’re going into a medical situation, it literally it’s like going into a courtroom seriously, remember how I said the courtroom is like, a whole new world, and it’s got its own set of language and things like that. And if you have not gone through medical school, you’re not going to understand a lot of the jargon, or a lot of the shortcuts are a lot of what they’re talking about. So, ask them to explain it to you so that you understand it. It’s your right. It’s your body. It’s your right, you have the right to know what this procedure is. What do you mean, you’re going to go in through my, my belly button? What does this mean? What is laparoscopic surgery? What is that, you know, you get to ask those questions. You know, you get to ask, well, what is, what is the side effect of the anesthesia? And, you know, what can I expect? And, you know, that kind of thing. So, I mean, the best doctors are the ones that talk you through it because it is scary. It is, you know, and especially like I said, if you have a series of events where you’ve been abused in the past, maybe not medically, but then you come into a situation where this person who’s supposed to be healing you is bullying you, and that’s no bueno. And, and it’s scary to me, too, because people who have been previously abused, we get intimidated, or we you know, we do get intimidated until we get solid ground on our self-esteem. Because as soon as somebody starts talking, you know, down at us, what do we do we tend to, you know, clam up, and that inner child pops up. And we’re just like, oh, no, I better not say anything. Oh, I want to people, please. You’re not there to please that doctor. You’re not. It’s not your job. That doctor better be doing their damn job and making sure you’re okay. Seriously, so. Okay, hold on.

Let’s continue. How are we doing on time? Okay, we’re good. All right. All right. Um, if the healthcare provider is arrogant and narcissistic, they will think everything they tell you is the best answer. When it comes to answering smart questions or sharing information, you’ve learned about your condition. Know that doctor arrogant may resist the discussion, ignore you or get angry. I swear to you, if they do that, that is a red flag. Get rid of them! Find another doctor. If you run into problems with your treatment, for example, the drug that’s prescribed does not work well then make sure you state the problem as objectively as possible. An arrogant doctor may try to make it sound as if the fault lies with you, the patient. And that’s what they do. I’ve had so many clients tell me that that happens with psychiatrists. You know, it’s like somehow the patient’s fault if the drug is not working, and I’m like, no, it means you need to find a different drug you… Don’t get me started.

Recent studies and this is why I would not stick with one of those doctors. Recent studies have shown a correlation between arrogance, obnoxiousness, and medical errors. Yeah, I would definitely not stick with one of those doctors. I would find a different doctor, somebody who’s got an actual soul. That would be good. Okay, so that is the concern of dealing with medical professionals, and I use the term professionals loosely when I talk about narcissists that are allowing their ego to run the show. They’re dangerous. They’re dangerous. I’m sorry. I know correlation does not mean causation. But I think that needs more study. I do I really, because I don’t trust them. I don’t trust them. I don’t trust them. They don’t have your best interests at heart. In general, why would they have your best, your best interest at heart? Medically if they’re all ego? Does that make sense? And it is possible to find good doctors. It really is.

Okay. So, then I wanted to go to…is this the one I was looking at. Oh, yes. Okay, that’s one. Okay. So, hold on, let me, Okay, signs, your healthcare provider is a bully, refuses to answer your questions, or provide you with information about your condition. Okay, we’ve talked about that uses intimidation and manipulates you into having exams or procedures that you do not want without an explanation as to why they’re medically necessary. Never allow them to do that to you. Displays arrogant and self-righteous behavior. For example, you’re about to ask their experience or expertise. People ask me all the time, well, what’s your experience? Where did you get your training? And I’m happy to tell them, you know because that’s their right to ask that question. But with abusers, they’re like, how dare you question me? How dare you question my experience, blah, blah, blah. Lacks empathy. Clearly insulted when you ask about their experience, does not respect your need for modesty or privacy. And there’s been several dentists, and several recently there was one, it was a plastic surgeon, I think, in Florida, that was accused of sexually assaulting clients. So yeah, they’re they view us as objects. And yes, that is a possibility.

So, you always want to look at are what are the complaints? What do people say about this person are there is there anything hinky about this person speaks condescendingly toward you, handles you roughly. And that’s happened to several of my clients when they had situations where you know, it was very delicate, and the person was just, you know, jerking him around. And it’s like, that’s not okay. This is person not a thing, you know, but again, we are things to them. Okay, Mmm, hmm. Oh, yeah, this is a huge one treats the nurses and assistants poorly. That, to me is just a huge red flag. So yeah, that’s not cool. And again, this will contribute to medical trauma. Because if this person is not treating you with respect, because that’s really what it is respect and gentleness and compassion, and willing to hear your questions or your concerns, willing to communicate, if they’re not willing to do that. Don’t stay with them, find another doctor, this will all contribute to medical trauma. If you have a doctor that’s like, condescending and nasty and rough and mean, nasty, and you’re going through the scary procedure, yeah, you’re going to have PTSD, the likelihood of having PTSD, if you’d have a good medical staff, that’s kind and compassion is much less, it’s much less, you may still have it because of the procedure itself, but not to the extent that you would, if you had medical people that were just treating you like an object, you know, or being condescending or being mean or whatever.

Okay, so then the next question is, how do you deal with one of these people? What do you do if you need to file a complaint about your healthcare provider? Okay, so the first one was, okay, how to how to lodge a complaint. And it kind of depends on what the complaint is and where you want to go. The first step is to assess whether you should complain to the health care provider directly. If they’re a narcissist, I would say no, I would say no, you’re not going to go anywhere.

Kris Godinez  29:09

So, you want to you want to find out now, let’s see, where’s this article from this is very well health. And it’s how to file a complaint about your healthcare provider. Okay, so we’re to lodge a complaint. So, you want to figure out is, you know, you like your provider overall, but you have a few complaints. So, you might be able, if they’re willing to hear it, you could talk to them directly, or you could talk to the office manager or whatever. But again, if you’re dealing with a narcissist, no, you’re not going to do that. If you notice an error in your medical record, but your medical care has been good, you should bring it up with a healthcare provider and the office staff, they are highly likely to correct you to your satisfaction, so that’s good. Some office staff, though, again, narcissistic. I’ve never made a mistake in my entire life. I’m always right, blah, blah. You know, and in that case, you need to stay on them and then switch offices, even if the doctor is good if their staff is Not, you’re going to have problems. Okay, if you feel you were insulted by your health care provider, then you might be more comfortable talking to someone else on the team such as your nurse Fish’s physician assistant or another health care provider. Sometimes another person can look at things objectively and guide your healthcare provider to avoid repeating this problem with you and with other patients. If the situation bothered you so much that you don’t want to see that health care provider again, be sure to tell the office staff why you will not be using that health care provider’s services again.

On the other hand, if the insult or behavior was directed at you because of race, gender, sexual orientation, age, or religion, there are civil actions you can take, including contacting the Office for Civil Rights with the US Department of Health and Human Services. If you suspect that there may have been illegal or unethical billing practices, including fraudulent building, building up coding, and balance building, that it’s important to file an appeal with your health insurance company. If your appeal is denied. Your healthcare provider may have a patient advocate that can help you free help you free of charge. If you cannot find a resolution, you can contact your state insurance commissioner, always don’t put up with that stuff.

If medical error resulted in personal injury, hospitalization, disability, diminished quality of life or death, and it is important to report the matter to the hospital or practice manager, you will need to do so with an attorney if you’re seeking damages or planning to litigate if your health care provider was sexually inappropriate or abusive in any way, contact the State Medical Board and file a police report. I cannot stress that enough. I’ve had clients where the health care provider was absolutely inappropriate, was absolutely physically abusive. And because of the intimidation factor, they didn’t file a police report, they didn’t file a report, you’ve got to file a police report. And you’ve got to file a complaint with the state board 110%. Otherwise, these practitioners will go on and do the same abusive behavior with somebody else guarantee it, they don’t stop. Let me just be clear about that. Remember dark triads, they don’t stop. They don’t stop, you know, if they don’t get caught behaving like crazies. They’ll just continue their behavior, and it keeps upping so absolutely that is taking your power back. It’s like oh, hell, no, I’m not going to put up with this. I’m going to file a police report. And I’m going to go to the state board and I’m going to file a complaint and then I’m going to get an attorney. I’m going to sue you for malpractice. Absofreakinglutely! So that is your right. Absolutely. But again, because of the intimidation factor, we kind of think that oh, no, I shouldn’t say anything. Oh, no, I can’t do anything. Oh, no, no, you can. Absolutely you can hold on and then I will get to the questions.

How to lodge a complaint. All right. Many government and institutional authorities allow you to file a complaint directly on their websites. For others, you may need to write a letter and send it in the mail. Okay, so if you’re filing a complaint with the State Board for medical, you can do it online that they have a form, and you can write it out. But here’s the thing. Keep your concerns concise. The content should be no more than a few paragraphs written in short sentences. Be specific about your complaints. Use bulleted lists to punctuate your points remain objective, tell what happened as simply as possible rather than describing how you felt.

So, this is where we get into trouble because we have a tendency to over-describe or over whatever you got to understand; these people just want facts, figures. That’s it just like a judge facts, figures what happened, what date, what time, you know, what was the occurrence were their witnesses? That’s what they’re looking for. They’re not they’re not wanting the effect it had on you. They want facts, figures, and if there were witnesses, so yeah, absolutely. Keep it short and to the point. Tell them what action you would like to have taken and be reasonable in your expectations. For example, if your healthcare provider overbilled you, then suggesting that the healthcare provider be in jail, which makes you seem unreasonable. If you ask for a refund, you’re more likely to receive it. Leave the legalities to the authorities. Get help if you were unable to express yourself if you’re having trouble communicating what happened to you or what you want. Ask a family member or trusted friend to help you, or consider hiring a patient advocate experienced in these matters. Finally, don’t go in assuming that your efforts will be for naught. If your complaint is appropriate and appropriately directed, the chances are really good that it will be heard.

Okay. You may or may not get the satisfaction you want. That that does not mean that you shouldn’t act; hospitals’ practice managers govern Many offices and state medical boards, investigate and record complaints, even those that are not deemed actionable. These agencies know that not all complaints are fair to healthcare providers. However, when multiple complaints are received, and a pattern of behavior is established, serious action against the healthcare provider will be taken by evidencing inappropriate, illegal, or harmful behavior. You can help protect others, like I said, from experiencing the same problem you experienced. Excuse me.

Okay. So, to recap, and then we’re going to dive into the questions. medical trauma is real. And it’s more likely to occur if there’s been previous abuse, physical, mental, emotional, especially if the little one if you were little when the medical event happened. So, the way to treat that is kind of the same way with PTSD. So, you may want to get a PTSD workbook for trauma and just put it towards the, you know, the medical, this was a medical thing. It wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t, you know, it was a medical event. So, everything you’re feeling is 100% Normal, the hypervigilance, the nightmares, flashbacks, the reliving it, that comes part and parcel with PTSD; unfortunately, get with a good trauma therapist; in this case, I would suggest EMDR I think talk therapy is great in conjunction with EMDR. But I think it’s a really good idea to get an EMDR person to help you, especially if you’re having flashbacks. So that’s what I would suggest for that.

With the medical profession. You don’t have to put up with crap from anybody, and I don’t care who the hell they think they are. Because a lot of these doctors have got this God Complex, cod complex, a fish complex. They’ve got this God Complex; I can no longer talk. And they think they’re not. And they think they’re infallible, and they’re not. They’re human. And I think we forget that sometimes when we go into a scary situation, we’re looking for somebody to heal us, to fix us, to make us better. And so, we kind of hand our power over. Well, if they’re trustworthy, that’s okay. But if you’ve got one, that’s a narcissist, that’s not…. that’s dangerous, that’s dangerous. You need to make sure this person is trustworthy and good at what they do and is a good listener, and is willing to answer your questions and soothe you. medical stuff is scary. It’s scary because we’re not doctors. We’re not. We don’t know the lingo. We don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know the procedures. I mean, I know a little bit, but you know, so that whoever my doctor is better be willing to explain things to me. Because otherwise, I will be like your jerk on gone by. And that’s what we got to be willing to do. Okay, and then don’t forget, if somebody has abused you, report their hind end to the board, file a police report; if it’s physical abuse, but file report if they’ve been emotionally abusive, rough with you, etc, etc, etc. Because if they’re doing it to you, they’ll do it. Anybody. So, and we’ve got to get these people out, out damned spot out, I say of our profession, seriously. So there that is alright. Um, okay, let’s go to the questions. All right.

Kris Godinez  38:12

Let me make this bigger. Okay. Is it common for a narcissistic parent to set up abuse when the child has a serious condition? It’s like they’re waiting for you to be at a low point so that their abuse has more impact? Absolutely. They’re they have no empathy. Whatsoever. So yeah, they’ll even with adult kids, you know, like, say, for example, the adult child of a narcissist gets a diagnosis of cancer or gets a diagnosis of autoimmune disease or gets a diagnosis of something serious, right? And the narcissistic parent, they will pick that point in time to attack. Because you’re a vulnerable point, you know, you’re scared for your life, you’re scared for your health. And they will pick that point in time to just full bore, go after you fangs, bared, claws bared, etc. Because they’re predators. Think of it this way. If they’re doing that, they’re dark triad. They’re predators. They’re predators, and predators attack prey that they think they can kill easily. Lions don’t go after the strongest of the herd. They go for the elderly and the young. Okay. So, when a predator is going after an adult child, they’re attacking them when they’re vulnerable. And that’s absolutely what they do because they’re heinous. I wouldn’t even use the word human beings. They’re just heinous. So yeah, absolutely do that.

How long? Do we stand the psychological giving us wrong medical prescriptions until we fire them? Ooh, oh, that’s a good question. Okay. So, I think, honestly, it will behooves us, especially if we’re doing mental health prescriptions. So, let’s say that you’re looking for an antidepressant or an anti-anxiety, or a mood stabilizer or things like that. So, basically, in realize this is my limited knowledge of this topic, it’s a really good idea to talk through with your physician or your psychiatrist. It’s like, look, I’ve heard horror stories, I don’t want to be going on going off trying another one going on going off trying another one, you know, it’s like, what can we do now, something I do know is that you can have DNA testing done to see what medication would work with your body type. So, there’s several labs throughout the valley that do that kind of thing. So, and I don’t know throughout the country, but I’m sure there are. So that would be something to look into so that you would lessen the possibility of having to go onto a medication, see if it works, month goes by doesn’t work. Okay, let’s wean you off of that. Let’s put you on to a new one. Let’s try it for a month. Okay, let’s wean you off of that. The sad reality of it is, is that for most people that don’t get the DNA testing to see what medication works best with their bodies, that’s the way it’s done. It’s like try one try for a month see if it you know, does what it’s supposed to if it doesn’t you eat them off, you put them on another one, build it up for a month, let’s see if it’s doing what it’s supposed to okay, it’s not let’s wean them off, try another one. So, tell talk to your doctor, see if they’re open to the DNA testing so that you can get one that’s more specific to your body type and body needs. But that is kind of the way they do it. That’s why they do it that way is that, you know, well, especially before DNA tests, but you know, it’s kind of like a hit and miss. Let’s try this and see if it works. Let’s try that and see if it works. But if you’re having one that’s doing this for a really long time, like a year or more, you may want to question and or fire them or get a second opinion, you know, is it a really good idea to get a second opinion and read up honestly guys, I cannot stress the importance of educating yourself. And I don’t mean with, you know, WebMD; I mean, like get so go to the manufacturer see what the side effects are? You know, see what it what it does, see you know, what works, what doesn’t work? What do they, you know, look at journals, look at studies, look at, you know, educate yourself on the medicines you’re taking. The thing that makes me so angry is that I see like Seroquel, especially being used off-label as a sedative. I can’t even talk. sedative to help with sleep. Well, that’s great. Except that Seroquel. They said they were more talking about like, autoimmune rheumatoid oil stuff.

Kris Godinez  42:55

Oh, thank you. Currently, I’m completely on the wrong topic. Sorry, let me finish this thought and then we’ll, we’ll get to that. Okay. Systemic will used as an off-label thing, but the side effects from Seroquel is does tardive dyskinesia, which is the grimacing and that doesn’t go away. So yeah, you want to know what the side effects are? Okay.

So apparently, this question was more about Johnny say it again. It was rheumatoid. Autoimmune tumors, endocrine, neurological, rheumatology, neurological, and rheumatology. Okay. They really should not be messing around with that for very long, you may want to get a second opinion. And if you’re dealing with those different topics, you’re probably dealing with different doctors. I would think because rheumatology would be something all by itself, along with the autoimmune tumors would probably be a different doctor. So, it’s having a good care team. And if the care team is not talking to each other, that’s going to lengthen the time that they take to figure out what’s going on. So, you want to make sure that your doctors are all talking to each other. And yeah, rheumatology tumors, neurological, neurological, would definitely be a different doctor. Yeah, if they’re not, if they’re not talking to each other, and they’re not giving you an answer in a relatively timely manner. Yeah, you want to you want to look at firing them and getting a team that works together so that all of the doctors are talking to each other and talking to you. And it’s, it’s a collaborative effort. Does that make sense? So yeah, I hope that answered the question. Okay, let me go to the next one.

Okay. When they don’t care about us having important medical stuff, how do we gather strength to go to as many crazy doctors as possible until we find One that’s willing to help? I mean real stuff. Okay? When they don’t care about us having important medical stuff, okay? So again, so many parents that are narcissistic intentionally withhold medical care from their kids, dental, eyes, you know, physical, you know, it just blows my mind how many adult kids have narcissists don’t know how to take care of their teeth or have got horrible eyesight because they never were allowed to go see an eye doc or have got physical issues. Hello, we ended up with autoimmune issues because of the abuse. And they don’t allow us to go to the doctor. Well, why? Because they don’t want eyes on it. Because a doctor might ask questions like, are you being abused? That kind of thing? So, it’s not a matter of going to horrible doctors? No, no, no. Do your research. Look them up. Look at reviews, look at the board, what complaints do they have against them? Find one that’s good. You know, seriously, it’s like get look at the reviews, don’t just throw a dart at the board and hope that this one is going to be okay. You have the power to kind of sort through and figure out which one is good for what you need. And you have the right to I think that’s, that’s going to be part of the mirror work with this. It’s like, hi, good to see you. Guess what, it’s okay for you to take care of yourself medically. It’s okay for you to address the autoimmune disease, it’s okay for you to address the mental health issue, it’s okay for you to address giving yourself permission because they didn’t give us permission. They, you know, oh, go away, can you bother me and never let us work on or deal with whatever physically, mentally or emotionally was going on, because they didn’t want anybody to find out what they were doing. So basically, it’s not gathering up the strength; it’s reminding yourself you have the power, you have the power, and you have the power to do your background check on these doctors see which one is going to work the best for you who has the best review? You know, and you have the right to ask as many questions as you need to make sure that this person is on board with where you are. And I can explain to you why or why not they’re willing to work with you or why or why not. They’re willing to prescribe whatever medication you need, or whatever do you see where I’m going; it’s communication, it’s really communication, you have the right to ask as many questions as you want to, and you have the right to do the background check and make sure that they’re a good fit for you or that they have a good review, or that they don’t have a bunch of complaints against them. So, it’s like take your power back, take your power. And that’s the most important thing. No matter what you do, whether you’re looking for a therapist, or a doctor or a dentist, or anybody. Look at the reviews, look at what people are saying, you know, the best, the best reviews are word of mouth if you can find a friend that’s gotten a good doctor that really listens to them, great. Go with that one, or a dentist or, you know, whatever. So, ask as many questions as you need to. You do not need to be at the mercy of a bunch of narcissistic medical professions. It’s like look at the reviews, look at how they treat people, you know, people talk, you know, honestly, and so yeah, absolutely. That’s what I would suggest, okay. Um, and they need to be able to tell you if they can or cannot help. It drives me crazy. When somebody finally goes to a doctor after, you know, years of being afraid and the doctor doesn’t tell them why they can or cannot help and doesn’t know communication. You want somebody who can communicate. Absolutely.

Okay. Um, okay. How do we repeatedly explain to doctors that we don’t want to give our info on our sexual stuff or lack of sex when they keep intruding without raising the voice how to repeat it assertively? Okay, I’m not sure I understand the context. So, they may be asking that because I do know that some medications, like antidepressants, can cause a lack of libido so like kills your sex drive totally. Which no bueno. And that may be why they’re asking. I don’t know. So, I don’t I’m not quite sure what the context is. But generally, if a doctor is asking about your sex life or lack thereof, they’re trying to gauge how is this medication affecting you now, if they’re being a perv for wanting to know about your sex life, that’s something completely different. That would be abusive. But if they’re asking and you can ask them it’s like, what is this in regard to can you tell me why this is important for you to know? You? I have to say that you do. So, if it’s in regard to a medication that you’re taking, they may be trying to gauge whether this is affecting you badly. Because let’s face it when you take a medication, and it affects your sex life, or it affects your weight gain, because a lot of depressants, especially, tend to create waking, and that affects you that affects your well-being, it affects your health, it affects other things. So, again, sex life is no different; you should have a healthy sex life. And if it’s a medication that’s impacting that, then you know, they need to know if that makes sense. But like I said, if they’re not explaining to you why they need to know, then yeah, I can understand why you’d be upset because it’d be kind of like, why are you asking me this? You know, so you may want to ask them, just, you know, like, Okay, what, why do you need to know what, what is this in regard to? You know, you have the right. And if they cop the attitude, that tells you everything you need to know; if they cop an attitude, they don’t want to tell you, I Okay, we’re done. You know. So, a doctor should be able to say, well, I’m asking because I’m concerned about this particular medication, or I want to make sure that you’re healthy, or you know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know why they’re asking. But that would be my guess if it has to do with medication or if they’re asking you about another, you know, overall health kind of thing. So. So there that is, but ask them why they’re asking, and you have a right to, and if they can’t give you an answer, then you don’t have to answer, and you don’t have to answer, period. But, you know, it’s that’s kind of what I would suggest. What they said they didn’t, they meant just intruding, pretending I’m a lesbian or stupid if I don’t talk sex, I’m related to medical stuff or any medication.

Kris Godinez  51:46

Oh, it’s unrelated to any medical stuff. Oh, get rid of get rid of them. If they’re, if they’re condescending, if they’re making assumptions about your sexuality, if they’re inappropriate in any way, shape, or form, it has nothing to do with medical stuff has nothing to do. Ah, you can find a different doctor. Absolutely. Because the thing of it is, is yelling out that is not going to do any good. Because if they’re narcissists, they’re getting off on this. Remember your anger, your sadness, your tears are delicious to abusers. So, if you’re getting upset, they’re getting off on it. So, if that’s the case, then just be done. Get a different provider; get one that’s communicative, that tells you things and is not condescending or making assumptions about your sexualities. None of their damn business. So, there you go. All right. Um, okay.

Thank you, Johnny. Um, when we’re real sick and in huge pain, and they keep pushing us how to say please don’t push my body I’m in pain. Ambulance emergency doctors’ offices. Who, okay, so they’re palpitating you. They’re trying to assess where the pain is. And they keep pushing when we’re real sick and in huge pain, and they keep pushing us how to say please don’t push my body, I’m in pain. Okay, well, I do know that they palpitate to see what’s going on, you know, so they’ll, they’ll palpitate the stomach or whatever area to try to figure out what’s causing the problem. The best thing to do is to just say, that really hurts. Please stop. You know, like, I can’t take it; it’s too much, you know, that kind of thing. In emergencies, though, they’re going to they’re probably going to do what they’re going to do. The sad thing of it is, is I have known, again, narcissists, psychopaths are in positions of power, and they are attracted to EMTs you know, being an EMT, being a paramedic, being, you know, doctor, nurse, physician’s assistant, etc. So, when you’re in an emergency, though, and you’re in real pain, and they’re palpitating you you’re just going to have to say, that really hurts. Please stop. And other than that, again, that’s that powerless thing, isn’t it? And if you’re dealing with psychopaths, they’ll just keep going. So, stories I could tell you would definitely shock you or maybe not, I don’t know. There are EMTs out there that are saying us Absolutely. There are doctors out there that are saying this because, remember, dark trads tend to be sadists, so all you can do is vocalize your concern, and if you feel the need to file a complaint, you know and that’s really pretty much all that can be done. Okay, let’s see, I think was that it was maybe it says something about they had trouble walking and they were pushing them because they were disabled.

Kris Godinez  54:53

So, it says okay, with John’s trying to give me more information, hang on. I really need to push your body when you’re having trouble walking because they Don’t like disabled people. Oh, so they’re discriminatory towards disabled people. If they’re a medical profession you report them, you absolutely that’s an ACLU thing that is a civil liberties thing. And that’s a discriminatory thing. So yeah, if they’re pushing you because they’re condescending towards people who have disabilities and absolutely you file a complaint Absofreakinglutely they’re not going to change, say talking to them is not going to do any good. But if you file a complaint, that’ll hopefully stop that behavior or at least there will be more eyes on it. So okay, so there is that. I hope that helped.

So, you don’t have to put up with condescending behavior from these people you don’t. If they’re being rude to you, if they’re being abusive if they’re condescending, if they’re putting you down, if they’re not listening to you, get a different provider. Absolutely, because you don’t have to put up with that. If you are having medical trauma from a procedure, get with a good trauma therapist do EMDR. That’s probably going to be the most helpful in combination with CBT. And be gentle with you. This is common. This is not, you know, you’re not weird. This is common, especially if there’s been previous abuse in your past prior to the medical stuff. So, it’s more likely to happen if we’ve had other abuse in our past. So, excuse me, so just gentle with you. Remember to do the mirror work on self-esteem, you have the right to say no. You have the right to fire a doctor you have the right to get a second opinion. You have the right to take your power back and read up on the medications that they may be talking about putting you on. You have the right to know the side effects. I mean, that’s the thing that blows my mind. I’ll talk to people. I’m like, well, did the doctor discuss with you the side effects of particularly Seroquel? No, what are the side effects? Oh my god. Tardive dyskinesia. Hello. That that should be discussed. You know, that’s something you need to be watching for. So yeah, it didn’t. A good doctor describes the side effects. A good doctor is open questions, is not condescending, is willing to hear you and hear you, hear you. That’s the big thing. This is the thing that all of us that went through abuse. Number one thing that we’ve all gone through is that we were not heard. So, it is super important that when you get with a medical professional, whether it is a counselor, a psychiatrist, a doctor, a nurse, whatever, they need to hear you and if they don’t you fire them. Absolutely. All right, kids, you guys be good. Have a great week and I’ll talk to you later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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The post 12-04-2022 Medical Events, Stuff and Things appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Okay, so what I want to talk about before we dive into managing your time is in Arizona, we get whoops, we get these dust storms. And it’s huge… Mercury isn’t even in retrograde. I know I was just about to be like mercury and retrograde. But now anyway, um, so we get these huge dust storms and the dust storms are 60/70 miles an hour. And you what you want to do to protect your pets is get a padlock to put on the gate. Because the winds are going to lift the latch off and the dog, cat whatever is going to get out… even tortoises have been missing. So if you lose your dog or your cat, here’s the things you need to know. There are some wonderful sites called straydar. There’s Next Door, obviously Facebook, you want to check all of those to see if anybody has found your dog or your cat. Dogs are the ones that tend to take off and run. So when they get terrified, they will and we get some hellacious thunder. I mean, it’s like crash bang, boom. So when they get terrified, they will take off and run because they’re trying to get away from it. You know, they don’t understand that you can’t get away from a thunderstorm. So, the dogs are the ones that will go miles away from the house. Cats generally, when they leave the house, when they run out of the house, they usually stick really close by. So what you want to do is you want to put up fliers and you want to check the neighbors to see if your cat is nearby. Or if they Anybody seen your dog, check on straydar, check on next door.

That’s another great place that has it. And if you find an animal and I wanted to be very clear about this, because there’s been a lot of really weird things happening, like people using the dog or the cat as a way to make money. So they’ll like oh, well you can pay me to have your dog back or your cat back or whatever. So, if you find an animal, get have them checked for a chip, check to see if they’ve got a collar on check to see if they’ve got if somebody is holding your cat or dog hostage, get the police involved. So especially if you can prove that that animal is yours.

Kris Godinez 03:16
The other thing to watch out for is that people are also apparently re -homing cats and dogs but they’re really using them as bait animals for the animal fighting the dog fighting. So be very aware of all of that if somebody is really truly interested in rehoming an animal they are going to ask for a small fee. Not a huge fee, but like a small fee. So there is that so it’s disturbing to me because here’s something that narcissists do. And yes, this is all connected. Trust me. narcissists will use a storm as an excuse to let the dog go or let the cat out or get rid of whatever animal is there. Because narcissists are pathologically jealous of pets, and they want them dead just like anybody else they want them dead. So if you are with an abuser, and we have one of these storms, and they don’t seem overly concerned that your dog or your cat is missing, they may have left the gate open, I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve heard about that happening. So you do want to check with the Humane Society you do want to check with. ASPCA, rescues, check with all the rescues you know, make sure everybody’s got a picture of your dog or your cat and if you find one don’t just immediately take it in and assume nobody wanted it. It could be that the cat or the dog was either purposely let out by an abuser or the gate wasn’t secure and they just got out and so you want to look for the owner before you give them you know before you take them in as your own. The thing that’s scary is that right now, there are so many oh my god, I just one of the people just said one time I found a pet in Mesa who was stolen from Tucson, I reunited with the owner and we all cried.

Oh my god. But yeah, so there’s, there was an instance recently of two great danes that somebody had kidnapped and had been, you know, sending ransom notices for. And of course, then they realized the Great Danes take a lot of food and a lot of exercise. And then they released them out in to the forest. And thankfully, somebody found them up in Flagstaff and was able to reunite them with their owner. So, so yeah, there’s a lot of weird things going on. And abusers are the ones that will use pets to get money to harm somebody else to hold them hostage to you know, whatever. So that’s why I’m saying get the police involved if something like that happens. And like I said, dogs are the ones that roam far away. cats tend to stay close to home, they’re somewhere in the neighborhood, you just have to put out fliers and you know, get people looking for them. So I just wanted to mention that because that is that seems to be something that’s happening here in the Phoenix area is that pets are being used as hostages as, what’s the word I’m looking for kidnapping there. So they’re, they’re looking for money. So and a lot of people are having this problem when their pets get out, somebody finds them and then they request money to give them back. And that’s just wrong. So, okay, unless of course, you re homing the pet, in which case you’re trying to avoid the you know, dogfighting thing. So, I know that was really rambling. And I’m really sorry, but I kind of got thrown off by the whole audio issues we were having. So I apologize.

Okay, let’s dive into time management, shall we? Okay, so, time management, believe it or not, inability to deal with time is a trauma response. Go figure. And not only that, but when we supposedly waste time, right, that’s the abusers love to tell us that, oh, you’re wasting time or you’re sleeping too late, you’re doing this. Because people who’ve been abused have a tendency to be night owls. And why?

Because we’re avoiding our abuser. Because if we’re up all night, when it’s quiet, and nobody’s messing with us, and then we sleep all day, we’re avoiding the abuser. And that just becomes a habit that we get into. Because it’s quiet, we feel safe at night. And then, you know, sleep in during the day get up in the afternoon kind of thing. So, these are all trauma responses. So, somebody had written in and said, “Can you please talk about the way that we beat ourselves up when we don’t get everything done?” That too, is a trauma response, because how many times has an abuser in our life made us wrong, for avoiding them, for sleeping in, for staying up late, for not getting everything done for not being perfect for you know, whatever they had, right?

Kris Godinez 07:41
So, I just want you guys to be very gentle with you. First and foremost, you must be gentle with you when we’re coming out of these types of relationships, whether it is a family of origin issue, and that’s usually where we learn this from. And what was really interesting to me is that when I was talking to my sister, Nancy in Santa Barbara, she and I were talking about how and she does this still to this day, she’s a night owl, she stays up late, and she sleeps in during the day. And then she gets up in the mid morning and does her thing and, and I told her I said, you know, when I was living at home, I would stay up until three or four o’clock in the morning and then sleep as late as I possibly could. So I would avoid my dad. And she’s like, yep, that’s where I learned it from. That’s exactly what I did when I had to be around him. And I was like, oh, okay, that makes a lot of sense. So yeah, it’s that’s what we do. It’s a learned it’s a learned protection to try to avoid the abuser so but what the abuser then does is that that they make us wrong for avoiding them because of course, they need their favorite punching bag. And they make us wrong for not getting things done. And they’re very, when I say snappy, I’m not kidding. They’re like, you know, when I say jump, you say how high you know, that kind of thing.

And so we get this maladaptive thinking, this mistaken thought, the mistaken belief that if we do something, it has to be done perfectly, and we kind of touched on that with the procrastination or that if we get a list of things to do that we have to finish all of them. No, no you don’t you are not, you know a superhero you’re not I mean, you’re a superhero in one way but you’re not a superhero like in the comic books that can like you know, do things super-fast and get everything done. And it’s a way that the abusers have to abuse so because they know nobody could possibly get everything they want done, done. And so then they use that as the excuse to treat you like doodoo put you down make you wrong, you know tell you your stupid tell you you’re too slow, tell your this that or the other thing or you didn’t do it right or whatever. So, it is no wonder we come out of a family of origin or romantic relationship because do the same things. And we have horrible time management abilities. Like we’re just like, What? What is this time management you speak of? So, so please don’t beat yourself up, please, please, please, please don’t beat yourself up. It is a learned behavior, which means it can be learned. It can be unlearned, and we can, replace it with the healthier behavior. So when we come out of one of those relationships, the first thing you got to do is recognize you were in an abusive, toxic relationship, whether it was family of origin, or a boss, or friend, or whatever. And because it’s an and world, and this is a trauma response, having weirdness, trying to manage time is a trauma response. This is to be expected. So congratulations, y’all are normal.

Everybody looks at me like what? No, it’s normal. If you’ve come out of that kind of relationship, you’re going to have a very strange relationship with time. So it’s a trauma response. So we’ve got to change the way we think about time. I know just like everything else. So this is all kind of interconnected back to self-esteem. So, it’s respecting our own time, they never respected our time, they never respected our time. Do you remember how many times you would be engrossed in something that was really important to you? And what would they do? They would march in, and they would be like, tear you away from it, make you wrong for doing whatever it was that you were enjoying, and really engrossed in and demand that you go do whatever they wanted to go do. So, we got really loud and clear that our time was not valuable. And somehow that inner child has carried that through. So that some part of us believes that our time is not valuable.

Kris Godinez 11:56
I know! Mind blown. So, it’s really all about, it’s really all about getting your go away spam, it’s really about getting your self-esteem back and recognizing your time how you choose to spend it is valuable, absolutely 110%, you have the right to spend your time the way you need to or want to, and it does not depend on the abuser. So, when we are coming out of the abuse, working on self-esteem is going to be key for time management. Because there’s a part of us that does not believe we are worthy of our own love, our own our own time, our own attention, or that we are worthy of being able to manage our own time that somehow we can’t How many times did our abuser call us stupid? How many times did our abuser tell us that we were worthless? How many times did our abuser tell us that we were incompetent, or that we didn’t know what we were doing? Or that they, you know, they had to be on us all the time to tell us what to do. Okay? These are all the mistaken thoughts and all the mistaken beliefs that we need to literally put into the trashcan and light on fire because those belong to them, not to us. So, as we start working on time management, first of all, it’s going to be doing mirror work. Okay, remember, mirror work? Hi, good to see you have a great day, it’s okay for you to respect your own time. And then walk out. I’m serious as a heart attack on that one, you’ve got to get used to the idea that your time is yours, and that you have the right to manage it. Nobody else does.

You have the right to manage your time. And you’re not going to beat yourself up. You’re not because when we come out of an abusive relationship, we are not going to be able to manage our time immediately. We’re not because it’s a habit. Remember, it’s a habit. It’s just like anything else, you got to undo the behavior and then replace it with positive. So, as we are undoing that unhealthy behavior or that behavior that we adopted in order to stay safe, you’ve got to start recognizing, okay, well, what is it that I do want? Well, okay, I have all these things to do. And I feel overwhelmed. That is common with us. That is a trauma response. And that is intentional on the part of the abuser to make us feel like we don’t have enough time in the day like there’s not enough hours in the day. So, one of the mistakes that we make is we start cutting into our sleep. Don’t do it. You’re not going to create more hours in the day by cutting into your sleep. That’s what the abuser taught us that remember the abuser would wake people up in the middle of the night and force them to go do chores because they got off on the torture basically. So, cutting into your sleep is not going to do it for you. Respect is. Respect for you is going to go much further than doing that. When you first come out of an abusive relationship working on your self-esteem, the self-esteem workbook, Glen Schiraldi is going to be huge. There’s a section in there that’s on your worth, and your value and your time and your sleep.

And this, that and the other thing, and that is what you need to work on. So, what helps me and has been helping me is writing out a schedule. So, I literally schedule things out like today, from here to here, I’m going to be doing this and from here to here, I’m going to be doing that. And that is what helps me now if I fall off of that schedule, do I beat the living crap out of myself? No, absolutely not. Okay, I didn’t get it done. So in Psychology Today, there was a great thing called time management. And there’s no author to it. It’s just reviewed by the Psychology Today, staff was just called time management. And basically, it was saying the ABCs. So you prioritize what is the most important thing that needs to be done, and you schedule it in. Like, seriously. So, like, Monday through Friday, my day is ruled by my schedule my calendar, absolutely. Saturday, and Sunday is a little more loosey goosey. But I still have a little bit of scheduling that I do on Saturday and Sunday.

So, like, Monday through Friday, it’s get up at pretty much the same time every day. Because if you do your schedule wonky, your body and brain are just going to be like, What are you doing? So, you want to get up at the same time, approximately every day, because it helps and then go do what you would normally do. So going for a walk, working out, going to the gym, whatever, having breakfast, schedule that in, and then start your day. That’s literally how I do things. Right. So it’s like, and especially, and it was much easier when we had a dog because the dog kind of dictated as soon as the sun came up our dogs were like, okay, take for a walk, you know, so but if you don’t have a dog then schedule in a schedule, you know, and here’s the thing, schedules don’t have to be written in stone. That’s the other thing is that. It’s like, it doesn’t have to be, you know, oh my god, if I don’t do this, my day is going to fall apart. No, you know, it’s like gentle with you. Flexible. Remember, abusers are black and white. And they’ve taught us that black and white thinking. So, we have to get back into that flexibility. So, for example, if I wake up and it’s cold outside, I’ll have breakfast first. And then I’ll go for a walk. Or if it’s hot outside, I’ll walk first. And then I’ll have breakfast. So, you have some flexibility in there. So it’s not like you know, Ein! Svei! Drei! you know, you have some flexibility. So scheduling things out is really important. And here’s the one that everyone misses schedule in time for you!

Kris Godinez 18:01
Seriously, schedule in time for self-care, it’s not going to come naturally to us. It’s not because we’ve been told for how long Oh, you’re selfish, when they’re the ones that are selfish. So, we try to go do something nice for ourselves, or we buy something nice for ourselves, then what does the abuser do? Oh, you’re selfish? How dare you? How dare you not be spending that on me? How dare you not be jumping to my tune or whatever they’re doing. So, it doesn’t come naturally. So self-care literally has to be thought about and has to be scheduled in. And self-care can be anything from going for a walk reading, a book doing the self-esteem workbook.

You know, things like that. So, schedule in self-care every day, minimum half an hour, minimum, half an hour, start paying attention to you start taking care of you and yes, it is going to have to be scheduled in because what do we do? Because the codependency we have a tendency to be like, Oh, nope, got to take care of everybody and their dog. Nope, nope, nope, taking care of everybody else don’t need to take care of myself. Wrong. You cannot pour from an empty pot. So, you’ve got to recharge your own batteries. Especially if you have kids, you’re going to have to recharge your own batteries in some way, shape or form, whether that’s going for a walk, doing some yoga or reading a book, take a shower, take a bath. You know, it doesn’t have to be expensive. I mean, if you want to get into the expensive stuff, manicure, pedicure, massage, etc. But you can do things that are self-care that are not expensive.

And it’s important. It’s and sometimes self-care is shutting the door, locking the door lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling for half an hour. Just that alone time. Okay, it’s important. Why because you’re important. I know it’s what? So yeah, You want to schedule in self care. And when you do your time management, you want to break things down into, you know, things that are urgent, right that have to be done right. And then things that are not so urgent, and then things that can be done later on. So it’s kind of like an ABC kind of thing. So, you really want to pick a task, and finish it to completion. Why? So here’s another article on psychology today that I thought was fascinating how the little known, Zack, I’m going to say this wrong Zeigarnik effects impacts everyone’s day. So Zeigarnik Effect is what occurs when the brain more readily recalls an interrupted task than a completed one. unfinished tasks create mental tension, which impacts how well people perform on other tasks. In the meantime, studies show how making plans improves this immensely. So basically, what it is, is our amygdala is like sitting there going, Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my god, here’s this thing that I need to do. And I didn’t get it done. And it sits there and obsesses over it. Okay.

Whereas if you complete the task, just like when we write the angry letters, right, so the abuser abused us, we’re angry, we don’t know what to do with the anger, we write an angry letter, dear abuser, cluck the cluckety, cluck, cluck out of clucking cluck you, you clucking blah, blah, blah, you know, and put all the anger and the shame and the blame and the guilt and everything else back on them. And then I’m raising the rent, I am not dealing with you anymore, get out of my head, you don’t get to live up here, rent free one more second, and then trot it out to the barbecue and burn it. After you’ve read it out loud once or you can mail it back to yourself, do not mail it to the abuser people don’t do it. All you’d be doing is giving them fuel for their fire. This is for you. But if you do that, it’s so funny. My clients come back to me and they’re like, Wow, I feel so much better. And I’m not thinking about them as much as I was. Yes. Because you’ve completed the loop. You’ve completed the task, you’ve said what you needed to say that you never got a chance to say. And you acknowledged it and you validated it. That’s why. So that’s why when we give ourselves 100,000 million tasks, and we start splitting our time between all of them, we feel exhausted, we feel like we’re losers, because we couldn’t get it all done. We beat ourselves up, we you know, etc. So, what you want to do is you want to do small lists, I kid you not that can be easily completed, you know, or you want to start with the task that’s the hardest that you know, is the one you don’t like to do, because that’s the one you’re avoiding. So it’s kind of like, okay, I don’t I’m not a fan of cleaning toilets. But I like it in a way because then it’s a clean toilet, you know what I’m saying? So you do that task. The first one is the one that you really don’t want to do, but get it done and do it to completion, because then the amygdala goes, Oh, I did something.

Okay, I can let it go. Does that make sense? So that is what you want to start doing when you do lists of things. So, when you’re scheduling things out, let it be a reasonable schedule, okay. So for example, in my day, there is no way in hell, I’m going to be able to finish writing the fourth book, anytime during the weekdays because I’m so busy. But if I do have time, you know, like, I’ve got an hour to block where I don’t have clients. And I feel the Muse hit me all write on the book, with no expectations. And I think that’s where we get into trouble is that we had so many expectations put on us that we kind of do that to ourselves. And it’s like, well, but I have to be perfect. Well, but I have to finish all of this well, but this has to be No, no. So, managing your time means managing your self-esteem. And understanding that your time is valuable. Your time is valuable. And that there is plenty of time in the day. There is remember abusers love to live in lack and scarcity. Okay, that is their big thing. lack and scarcity is either too much or not enough. And so, they lie to us. And they tell us that there’s not enough hours in the day. And they lie to us and tell us that we’re not enough. And they lie to us. And they tell us that our time isn’t valuable. So really, it’s getting back to understanding your time is valuable. Your time is 100% valuable. There are plenty of hours in the day. It’s a matter of prioritizing, and it’s a matter of scheduling. And it’s realizing this is a new behavior that we’ve never done before. So when we do new behaviors, you’re not going to be perfect at it. You’re not and it’s Oh Kay, it is. And to this day, there are some days where I was like, okay, Saturday, I’m going to clean the house and this than the other thing and it didn’t get done, and all kind of look at it and go, Wow, old me would have beaten the living crap out of myself.

Kris Godinez 25:13
I don’t do that anymore. It’s kind of like, you know what, it’s not an arm, it’s not a leg, nobody’s on the ground bleeding. It’ll get done eventually, it’ll be okay. You know, and then that goes to the top of the list for when I have free time is to finish whatever task that was. So, I think the biggest thing is finishing, I think that’s the key is that you pick something and you do it to completion. And then your brain can let it go. And you keep the list small, you keep it like manageable, doable. Does that make sense? Like I said, during the work week, I am not going to force myself or put pressure on myself to finish the book. It’s not going to happen. I don’t have enough availability during the day to do a chunk of writing. Does that make sense? But if I wanted to, I could go do something else if I wanted to. And sometimes in the middle of the day, I literally scheduled lying on the floor looking at the ceiling because my brain is just like I can no longer brain. I need to not brain for a while. You know what I’m saying? So gentle with you gentle with you and prioritize you know, and you want to hit the tasks or whatever that are the hardest, or that you were resisting the most. Because and you want to make them as fun as possible. You do like so for me cleaning. I turn on music like the other day I was listening to Ultravox, and I was like, you know, rocking out to Ultravox and cleaning and singing and dancing around while I was cleaning and all that sort of stuff. And it made it fun. So, you make the task as fun as possible. Remember, our abusers have made chores just exactly that a chore. They’ve made it difficult. They’ve made it hard to get through. They’ve made it uncomfortable. They’ve made it a punishment. Abusers love to use everyday chores as punishment. Like I had one that to their child.

They forced them to clean the floor with a toothbrush. And if it wasn’t done to their exacting demands, they would beat them with a belt. And I’m like, huh, God, don’t get me started. So yeah, they turn chores into something torturous. So, we want to undo that we want to make it as pleasant as possible, we want to make it fun. We want to make it enjoyable, we want to make it ours, we want to take back our power. So really, this is all about taking back our power. It really is. So, changing the way we think about time. Time is ours. Time belongs to us. It is up to us how to use it. And it’s okay. If we don’t get everything done on this list. We’ll just move it to the next day. It’s not an arm, it’s not a leg, nobody’s bleeding. It’s all good. Do you see where I’m going with that? But with the abuser they’ve turned everything into a screaming meanie histrionic, you know, you didn’t get this done? You know, and it was an excuse to abuse us. So, I think there’s a lot of there’s a lot of gears turning on time management here. So, it’s working on CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker, getting to the heart of all this, you know, get putting it back on the abuser. It’s also working on the inner child. How did they mess with your mind about time? How old were you when did this start?

Kris Godinez 28:28
Right and then working with that inner child Hey, little one. You know what, our time is valuable. And we can do with it as we choose or as we need. And it’s ours. And we have worth, and our time has worth. And that’s what I want you to work on. Hi, good to see you have a great day. You know what your time is valuable. You have worth, your time has worth and then walk out. Work on that. So, working on the self-esteem self-esteem workbook Glen Schiraldi, CPTSD from surviving to thriving Pete Walker inner child workbook either by Luccia Capachione or Katherine Taylor, Katherine Taylor, one’s a little outdated, but the Luccia Capachione one is also good. So, working on all of that and taking our power back, write the abuser, a go pound sand letter about how they abused you with time, or chores, or whatever, or your sleep pattern or whatever, you know. So, recognize that all of this response to time management, sleeping, sleeping in staying up late is all a trauma response to the trauma we went through as kids or the trauma we went through in the relationship. So, it’s really important, gentle with you, gentle with you. If you take nothing else away from this today. Gentle with you.

It takes time to undo the maladaptive behaviors and replace them with the healthier behaviors. So, Whew. So, time management is all about recognizing you have worth, your time has worth, self-esteem, getting the trauma back to the abuse back to the abuser, working on the inner child, loving the inner child, loving yourself, reasonable lists reasonableness and actually writing it out. So, like, you know, like I said, usually the weekends for me, Saturdays are chore days. Saturdays are my chore days, Sunday after the show is when I stare at the ceiling and don’t think, yeah. And then during the week, I’m working, and I have a little routine that I do in the morning, I have a little routine I do in the evening, and I schedule it in. But if I don’t get to it, I do not beat the living crap out of me, I just go, Okay, that didn’t get done. Let’s move it to tomorrow and make sure that that’s the first thing that gets done. Gentle, gentle, flexible, gentle. And it takes practice, it does. Because at first, it’s going to feel weird to kind of schedule things in, especially the self-care. But once you get into that habit, it’s going to become so much easier. So anyway, sorry about all of the technical issues on the front end of this. I hope this was helpful. Let me dive into the questions. Okay.

Kris Godinez 31:16
How can we avoid prioritizing absolutely everything and trying to do it all? Well, I was told I was lazy, I got that too. And now I give 100% all of the time, which is exhausting. Okay, so the thing of it is, is that you prioritize three things. Seriously, if it goes over three, three to five, if it goes over three, then you really need to be like, Nope, that can be done tomorrow. And really, things that have to be done would be things like you know, eating, going to work kind of thing. Everything else is kind of an Okay, well, does this have to be done to somebody’s life depend upon this? You know that kind of thing. So not everything is def con one, but abusers love to make us think everything is DEF CON one. So really, it’s it an arm? Is it a leg? Is somebody bleeding? If not, it’s not DEF CON one, you know? And then you kind of go okay, well, what will make my life easier? So, for me, it’s kind of like, okay, cleaning out the cardboard boxes would be a really good thing and make a lot more room in that one room. So yeah, let’s do that. You know? Do you see where I’m going with that?

So, if you make it like what’s going to make your life easier? Or is it an arm? Is it a leg? You know, obviously, that’s number one isn’t going to make your life easier is number two. And then you pick to, you know, three to five, three to five. That’s it any more than that, you’re going to have to tell that inner critic Thank you go pound sand. I am not going to do any more than three. Have a nice day. Bye bye now and it’s going to try to make you wrong it is. But you have to get into the habit of telling the inner critic No. So thought stopping is going to be important. So, when the inner critic pops up, and it goes out. You’re not kidding. You need to do everything. You need to finish it. Yeah. Oh, dear Lord, kindly go pound sand. You’re full of doodoo I do not need to finish everything. I just need to finish one thing. That’s it. That’s it. And I’m okay with that. Even if I say I’m not, even though I think I’m not, I am okay with that. You know why? Because I’m practicing being okay with that. So, it is going to be a practice thing because that voice is going to be like, No, it’s okay. It’s not okay. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. Okay. It is okay. If I just do one thing. That’s it to completion. So, buh bye. You’re my abuser’s voice. Oh, wow. Okay, Bob, Buh Bye. Buh bye. Now I hear you, I see you, you are not allowed my head rent free by.

So, you have to keep doing the thought stopping and telling that inner critic because that’s what it is to shut the bleep up. Replace it with the polar opposite. You have the right to do one thing to completion. You don’t have to do everything. You’re not Wonder Woman in the superhero sense of it your Wonder Woman in the sense that you’ve survived abuse. But do you see where I’m going with that? So, you’ve got to tell the inner critic. No, I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to play. I am not lazy. And that’s the funny thing. It’s like, I think a lot of us got the lazy thing. And that’s a way to manipulate and control. It’s name calling. So, they would accuse us of being lazy, when in fact, they were! They wouldn’t work on themselves. They wouldn’t do anything to better the situation. They wouldn’t read books; they wouldn’t go to therapy. They wouldn’t who’s lazy.

Kris Godinez 34:48
So yeah, they accused us of the very things that they are so anytime you got called lazy or anything else like that, I would strongly suggest writing a go pound sand letter to your abuser and put it back on them. him and let him have it with both barrels, trot it out to the barbecue, read it out loud once burn it, let it go. You’re not lazy. None of us are. None of us are! John Nixon, who was my mentor, I love him to death. He’s so funny. He was like, he was like, Chris, I cannot believe how much you accomplish in a day. And I’m like, it’s been hard fought. I’ve had to learn. I’ve had to learn how to manage my time, I’ve had to learn how to let things go. I’ve had to learn how to prioritize, I had to learn, you know, and so we had this conversation about that this was years ago. Anyway, so it is it is a learning experience. It is unlearning the unhealthy stuff that we got from our abuser and replacing it with prioritizing ourselves, we come first we are important.

We have the right to love ourselves, we have the right to respect ourselves, we have the right to respect our own time. So, it’s a learning process, guys, it’s a journey. It is it really is. Okay. I hope that helps. Um, yeah, it is exhausting. So, give yourself some grace. Gentle with you. You don’t have to do everything at once. Three to five. That’s it.

All right, any tips on controlling rage besides EMDR and counting to 10? I know you give complex answers, but you know what I mean. I hope. Okay, so anger is the bodyguard of the softer emotions. So, when we are harmed or hurt or sad, or fearful, anger is the first emotion we go to because it’s the safest emotion to go to it is part of the fight flight freeze or fawn. So, let’s just back it up. Back it up. Alright. So, when we have a threat come in. Yes, I’m giving you a complex answer. I’m really sorry. I’ll try to simplify it. But when we have a threat come in. The amygdala freaks out the amygdala is that little almond shaped organ that sits about an inch inside of each ear. So, when it feels a threat, it goes, Oh, my God, and it starts screaming and tells the hippocampus hypothalamus to release cortisol. Cortisol is our stress hormone. So, we’re getting tensed up, because we’re getting ready to fight flight, runaway freeze like a bunny rabbit, you know, predator just walks by doesn’t see us or fun give into the predator so that we don’t get killed. So, then what happens is we’re tense right, so now we’ve cut off the oxygen co2 Exchange, so the oxygen co2 is wonky now, so that tells another part of the brain a little further down on the brainstem. Oh, my God, we’re going to die. There is no oxygen co2 Exchange, what the hell and it tells the adrenal gland that sits on top of the kidneys to release everything at once. So now we’re shaking like a leaf racing thoughts racing thoughts, pounding heart pounding our puffy, little breaths not going anywhere. And at this point, we do one of two things. We either go into the stereotypical panic attack, which is the Oh, my God, I can’t breathe and then you keel over. Or we turned into Bruce Banner, The Incredible Hulk, okay. So, it is at it is a fight flight freeze or fawn response it is. So, what you want to do is you want to breathe.

As soon as you feel that hot rage, you know, your face flushes, your heart starts pounding, you’re taking puffy little breaths, that’s when you got to breathe. That’s when you got to be like, Oh, okay, this is a fear response. Okay, this is a fight flight freeze or fawn response. What the heck, okay, I need to breathe. Hold it. And as you let it out, I’m safe. I’m okay. Everything’s fine. I don’t need to go Bruce Banner on anybody. I’m good. Everything’s okay. I’m safe. I’m okay. Everything’s fine. Do you see where I’m going with that? You let it out as slowly as you can, and you self soothe. So, when we respond with anger, and John can attest to this, I used to be angry at everything seriously angry at everything, inanimate objects, people, cars, the moon didn’t matter. I had a lot of anger because of my dad because he was abusive. And I learned through therapy that oh, look, it’s the softer emotions. I was covering up all of the softer emotions to stay safe because it was not safe to be vulnerable, obviously, with my father, who was an ex-marine and had hands the size of frying pans, who liked to hit me. So, you I covered things up with the anger because he wouldn’t mess with anger.

Kris Godinez 39:47
He would mess with the softer emotions, but he wouldn’t mess with anger. So, you got to take a look at why. Why are you raging? Where did this come from? Where did this anger come from? So, you delve into Oh, this was this was my response to my dad. Thank you. This was my response to my dad. You know, this is why I’m so angry. This is why I’m responding to everything with anger, because for me, I found it was safe. Well, obviously, when you get into healthy relationships, you cannot respond with anger to everything. So, you got to start dealing with the softer emotions, the vulnerability, the sadness, the hurt, the betrayal, the fear, the fear of being hurt. So, you identify what you’re afraid of. And so, what John and I learned through our therapy, we did couples therapy in the beginning of our relationship was okay, when I got mad, he would stop and say, What are you afraid of? And of course, after I got mad about that, I would be like, you’re right, hold on.

Okay, I’m fearful of and then I was able to express what the fear with sadness with the hurt with the vulnerable was. And so that’s the kind of the key is you’ve got it, you know, and then eventually, I was able to do it on my own be like, Okay, I’m angry. What am I afraid of? What am I fearful of? What am I feeling betrayed about? What am I feeling hurt about? What am I feeling sad about? And identify those emotions, you know, it’s process. It’s a process, because we’re so disconnected from the softer emotions because of our abuser, that it’s really, it’s almost like relearning a language when you finally start getting in touch with them again. And of course, the anger has always been there to protect us. So now we got to kind of peel the anger back and allow ourselves to go for the emotion underneath the anger. So, what is the emotion underneath the anger? Is it sad? Is it betrayed? Is it hurt? Is it fearful? What’s the softer emotion that the anger is protecting? So that’s what you want to look at? Get with a good trauma therapist, swear to God, get with a good trauma therapist, work on that, Where’s this coming from? Do the inner child workbook that’s going to help a lot. So, there is that? Okay, let’s see if that answered the question. So yeah, so get with a good trauma therapist, there’s a great book, and it’s a Buddhist book on anger management, and it’s called, There’s a Cow in the Parking Lot. And I do not know who it’s written by. But it’s, that’s the name of the title. And I think it’s purple, if I remember correctly, so that’s a great book. It’s a Buddhist, it’s a Buddhist perspective on anger management. So yeah, get that book, start reading, and it’s a really good one.

Okay, um, my biggest difficulty with time is that I fight against attempts to make change. I have great ideas on how to do things, but the execution falters because of the rebellions, how to approach? This is common. Please do not beat yourself up. This is totally, totally common. So, what ends up happening is, it’s our inner child, it’s our inner teenager, a lot of times, especially when the rebellion stuff goes like, through the roof. So, a lot of times, it’s the inner teenager, rebelling, you can’t tell me what to do. I’m the boss of me, you’re not the boss of me, you know, that kind of thing. So, there’s, I have a lot of clients that are dealing with that that is a common thing, which is why I’m saying the inner child workbook is so useful for things you don’t even think about. I mean, seriously, like, you start working and you’re like, Oh, what the Oh, like, whoa, okay. So, get the inner child workbook.

Start working on that rebellion. How old do you feel? That’s the question, how old do you feel when you’re in that you can make the I’m not going to do it. I’m not going to, I’ll show you. How old are you? You know, and it can be anywhere from any range, but usually, it’s the teenager preteen teen, that’s usually where I see that ad. So gentle, have a conversation with your inner teenager, hi inner teen, we need to talk what’s going on. So, what I often suggest is doing little guided imagery. So, what you would can do is you can imagine your some someplace safe, just beautiful, safe, clean, clear, gorgeous. For me, it’s always the beach, but you know, it can be anywhere. It could be a cabin, it could be a room, it could be a beanbag, it could be a hammock, whatever. Call your teenager to you. Have them come over to you hug them, kiss them, tell them how awesome they are. And hey, we need to talk what’s going on? And then ask, what do you need? Why are you rebelling against this? What do you need? And then hear them have a dialogue with them. What are they rebelling against? What do they need? And then you let them know what you need. Hey, little one, I need you to just be a teen. And let me deal with the time stuff. Okay,

Kris Godinez 44:43
I’ll do this. I’ll do the chores and everything you get to go be a teen and love them because a lot of us didn’t get that unconditional positive regard, especially from our abuser around time, you know? So, work with them work with your inner teen on that. Love your inner teen, your inner teen is telling you something important. I know it’s annoying, but they’re telling you something important this is just listen. There’s something that went on during that time period that needs to be dealt with. So, get with a good trauma therapist work on the Inner Child workbook, self-esteem workbook CPTSD from surviving to thriving. That’s an important clue. Something happened in that time period when you were a teen, something happened to cause that rebellion. What was going on? So, work through that. And remember, it’s the teenager is not the problem. The inner teen is not the problem. It’s the abuser. It’s the abuser, put it back on the abuser, does the inner teen need to say anything to the abuser? Let them write an angry letter and burn it. So yeah, that’s a really important thing to do. It’s like how old do you feel when you are resisting. And then just be gentle with you. And when you’re doing the mirror work, you’re talking to yourself, but you’re also talking to your inner team. Hi, good to see you. Have a great day. You know what, it’s okay to do things differently. I know it’s scary, but it’s okay to do things differently, and then walk out. So, work on that work on that.
Okay. Let’s see. Um, okay, any suggestions for estimating the time it’ll take to finish a task? I don’t do that. Um, I think what we do is we tend to play mind games with ourselves with that. And so, when I start working on a task, I simply tell myself, okay, it’s going to take as long as it takes and not a second before or a second after. And I just go with it, you know what I’m saying. So, you also want to be aware of the procrastination thing that we talked about a few weeks ago.
So, if you’re dragging your feet and dragging your feet and dragging your feet, that’s not the tasks fault. It’s something that’s going on that fear of completing the task. So, what’s going on? What’s causing the procrastination, so I don’t I don’t give myself like, you know, oh, I’m going to estimate how long this is going to take. What I do is I play fun games with myself, like, how much can I get cleaned during this one song? Just for the heck of it. So, you know, and I’ll see how much I get done. You know, so it you know, you don’t ever want to what’s the word I’m looking for. You don’t want to overestimate you don’t want to underestimate and you don’t want to put yourself under that pressure. So, the task is going to take as long as it takes. You know, and you just kind of roll with it. So do that. Okay.
So Alright guys, I hope that is helpful on time management. I hope that you understand the biggest takeaway gentle with you. Gentle with you. It’s all a trauma response. So instead of getting angry at it, get curious. Wow, this is interesting. I’m rebelling against this. How old am I? Huh? What’s going on with that? Wow, this is interesting, huh? Wonder what this is about, you know, get curious, gentle with you. So self-esteem workbook Glen Schiraldi, The Inner Child Workbook, Lucia Cappacchione or Catherine Taylor CPTSD from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. All of these are going to help and with self-forgiveness, Radical Self Forgiveness by Collin Tipping, so a lot of us beat ourselves to a pulp when we don’t do things perfect or can’t finish as much as we think we should. So, you got to start letting that stuff go. You that’s the abuser stuff. So anyway, that’s that. So, all right, you guys have a wonderful, wonderful week. Please take care of yourselves. Be gentle with you drink plenty of water and I will talk to you next Sunday. Bye.

Kris Godinez 49:16
Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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The post 10-09-2022 Managing Your Time appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

All right. So, diving into today, we wanted to talk about when medical is used against you. So HIPAA laws, we’re going to be talking about HIPAA laws, we’re also going to be talking about how abusers, oh, you know, abuse kind of thing. It’s like how they do, how they do what they do and why they do what they do.

So, first of all, a couple of definitions. HIPAA is the portability. So it’s the Insurance, something Insurance Portability, law. So basically what it is, it’s a privacy law. So medical records are private, they belong to the person. Now, if a child is a minor, then the parents have the right to the medical records, which is where everything gets really sticky. If you’ve got kids in therapy, because they’re going to complain about the therapists are going to use the medical records, they’re going to want to read the medical records, which is why therapists have to be very careful what they write and how they write it, you know, very broad strokes when you’re dealing with a high conflict divorce. So um, but now, what I have seen abusers do is as soon as they can they use they medical records against the kid, spouse, etc. That is illegal. Let me just say that again, because it makes me happy. It is illegal to do that. So once the kid turns 18, if they try to use those medical records against the kid, which I have seen them do So say, for example, the child or the children decide that the abuser is the abuser and doesn’t want anything to do with them. Then what they will do is they will smear campaign, smear campaign, smear campaign. Oh, well, let me give you, you know, they were in therapy, like it’s a bad thing, right? Because remember, abusers don’t like therapy. They don’t like counseling, they don’t like their secrets being exposed. And in their mind, anybody who goes to therapy is less than, and is crazy. And is this down the other? Well, the way I put it is, okay, well, if you know, there’s a problem, you don’t wait to fix it, you fix it. As soon as you know, there’s a problem. It’s like, if you had a broken leg, would you sit there and wait and let it heal wrong? No, you would go to a doctor and have it set and let it heal properly. It’s the same thing with mental health stuff. But remember, they’re cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, they don’t want any imperfection at all. And so what they’ll do is they will, they will, they will use that as fodder for their smear campaign. And they will literally send out the medical records of the spouse, of the kids of whoever they think that they can harm with this. What they don’t understand is they are now violating a law.

So if this happens to you, you have an attorney write them a cease and desist letter.

Kris Godinez  03:55

And if they continue to do it, then you hit him with a lawsuit, you know, or you hit him with a restraining order. And this goes for the adult children as well. So, once you turn 18, the parents have absolutely no right to your records, zero zip nada, they don’t get to see them. They don’t get to have them. They don’t get to release them. They don’t get to do jack diddly squat with them. The only time that anybody can do anything with your records is if you have a written release of information stating specifically Yes, this person may see my records. Yes, this person may release my records for this purpose. Okay, so of course, no narcissist on the face of the planet is going to want to sign a document saying, Oh, yes, I’m going to release these records so I can do a smear campaign or I want these records so I can do a smear campaign.

So basically, what I’m trying to say is your records are yours. The only time that they can be used as if you the parent. The kids specifically give a written release of information stating that that person has access to the records. So, if an abuser is using your medical records against you, if an abuser is trying to, you know, smear campaign this that and the other thing. Yeah, then now you got it. Now here’s the thing. Here’s the caveat, caveat. So this is why I want you guys to read this. Because when there is questions of mental sound menace, they are going to subpoena records, okay? records can be subpoenaed. So just be aware. Again, if you’re a practitioner, be aware you write your records as if you are going to have to testify in court, which means you real short, broad strokes, broad strokes, broad strokes, especially if you’re dealing with a high conflict, divorce, you don’t want anything in your notes to harm your client, you know, because they’ll use it, the attorneys will use it and trust me, some attorneys are just as abusive and narcissistic is your ex, trust me on that one. Not all, not all, thank God, but a long are, and especially the ex goes and finds those types of people because you know, like, attracts like, so. Um, okay.

All right. So they can subpoena those records. Now, if you are a therapist, a counselor, etc., you can refuse the subpoena. Judges don’t like it, I don’t recommend it. I don’t. But if there is something in there that is going to harm your client, create a situation where they’re suicidal, etc., etc., you can send a letter to the judge and go, I am not releasing these records. And here’s the reason why. However, I don’t recommend doing it. Why, again, judges tend to be narcissistic POS and they don’t like their orders not being, you know, complied with because narcissists, so you keep your notes, super short and broad strokes, okay? If you get a subpoena, you comply with it. But you also let your client know, hey, I’ve been subpoenaed. I want to let you know, you know, just so that you’re aware, and I’m going to send you and your attorney a copy. And I’m going to send them the copy and all of this stuff. So Oh, yeah.

But back to the children. So what abusers will do is they will take the medical records of the kids and send them to anybody and everybody trying to prove that the kids are crazy for not wanting to be with them. That’s illegal. So, you get a hold of an attorney, you send a cease and desist letter, and then you do either a lawsuit or you do a restraining order so that they can no longer have contact.

Kris Godinez  07:27

But yes, they will use medical against you absolutefreakinglutely. So this is why this is why they’re so dangerous. So let’s go into several other scenarios that they do. So all right, so let’s say Okay, first of all, backup definition, definition. So narcissists hate everybody. They are misanthropes, that is the word for hating everybody misanthropes. Female narcissists tend to hate males. They are misandrist. So misandrist means hatred of males. Male narcissists tend to hate females, they are misogynist, but what they all do is reaction formation. Remember, we talked about the ego defense mechanisms? So what these narcissists these abusers will do is they’ll say, you know, they’ll, they hate women, they hate men. They hate everybody. So, misandrist, misogynist, misanthropes, right? But they’ll sit there and say, Oh, I love men. Oh, I love women. Oh, I love everybody. Watch their actions because their actions speak differently. They can’t hide the actions. So the actions are physical abuse, mental abuse, you know, manipulation, control, gaslighting, rewriting history lying, hello, look to the actions and even though they’re saying pretty words, they don’t, they don’t love guys. And they will take whatever medical information you give them and use it against you.

So for example, somebody has MS. Somebody has diabetes, somebody has cancer, the narcissist will make it about them. And instead of you getting the medical attention and that you need, suddenly they have something medical going on. That’s often oh my god, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve seen that happen. So somebody will get a diagnosis. And suddenly, the same week, the spouse who is a narcissist will decide that they have something serious and they too have to go to a specialist and this that and the other thing. And then of course, the other spouse is like, wait a minute, I really do have this diagnosis. I need to be taking care of myself. And the narcissist is going oh, but I’m dying. Oh, I’ve got this. I got that. And they’re looking for a diagnosis. They’re going to doctors, their doctor shopping looking for a diagnosis to compete with the diagnosis that the spouse has I know, it’s crazy. It’s cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. And this is not a made up scenario. I’ve seen this happen. God, yeah. So you know, suddenly one spouse has got a cancer diagnosis and the other one starts going to oncologist trying to prove that they have cancer too. And then of course they don’t. But you know, that’s another story. So anyway, this is what they do.

So the other thing I’ve seen them do, and I’ve talked about this before.

Kris Godinez  10:31

And this is part of the reaction formation, the spouse will have a diagnosis, the spouse will be ill, they’ll claim that they’re learning everything they can to help the spouse. But then they’re doing the polar opposite, you know, so instead of helping the spouse with diabetes, they’re shoving sugar and alcohol and candy. And this that and the other thing is that instead of helping the spouse with MS, they’re keeping them exhausted, they’re not letting them eat healthy. They’re, you know, it’s just, it’s crazy. It’s crazy. So that’s the reaction formation. So that’s what you have to watch for. If you are still in the relationship, if you’ve got a medical condition, they will use it against you, they will use things as simple as PMS. PMDD, against the person, and they will use that as their evidence that you’re crazy. Seriously. And it’s nobody’s effing business when you’re on your period. Thank you very much. But they will do that. They will, again, smear campaigns, smear can Oh, well, she’s crazy, because you know, she’s on her period. And Baba, baba, baba, or she has PMDD. And she’s crazy and done it at it. It is like no, no. So you’ve got to be very careful of what they say and do and they will. And if they are and if you’re still in the relationship, get out, get out, because they’re going to if they’re willing to do that they’re willing to do anything. So and if they’re willing to do that to you, they’re going to do it to the kids, and they’re going to be smearing the kids with their medical information. And it’s nobody’s damn business. It isn’t. So but narcissists, of course, no boundaries, no boundaries, no boundaries, what so ever.

So also, pregnancy, okay, my dad kicked his first wife in the stomach trying to get her to miscarry because back in the 50s, abortions were not legal much like they are today. So if you think that women are not going to be abused and harmed and murdered because they’re pregnant, you are seriously mistaken. My dad did that he was an attorney. He considered himself a good Christian. He was, you know, oh, you know, I’m this wonderful person. I go to church five times a week. Oh, yeah. Did you tell them that you kicked your first wife in the stomach trying to get her to miscarry? You know, I mean, this is what they do, guys. This is what narcissists do. They don’t have common decency. They want what they want. When they want it, they want it now. And they will abuse they will harm they will hurt. They will do whatever. So, my sister Nancy and I were talking about this last time I was in Santa Barbara, and she and I were talking about how dad did this with both of her pregnancies, not my sister’s pregnancies. But the moms pregnancy Nancy’s mom’s pregnancies, trying to get her to abort. So yeah, it’s just crazy. And I believe her. I believe her because my dad was violent. And my dad was violent with me and my sisters. And he tried to be violent with my mom, she put her foot down, thank God. But you know what I’m saying? So they are violent, they are misogynistic. They are misandrists. So if they’re female, they’re misanthropes. They literally hate every body, and someone who goes to you.

So let’s look, let’s look at the flip side of that. So let’s say that you’re on the receiving end, you’re listening to the smear campaign, and somebody is telling you somebody else’s medical issues, right then and there, you need to say stop, and I mean it. I’m not interested in hearing it. Thank you very much. And they may continue to try to go on because that’s usually what abusers do, stop. And I mean, it I’m not interested, it’s none of my business. I don’t want to know what their medical stuff is. I don’t care. And if more people did that, then there’d be less of this using of medical stuff in the smear campaigns, but that’s what they do.

So they also look for ways to gain sympathy through your issue. So say, for example, you have cancer, they will start playing the, you know, loving spouse, again, they’re doing this for show, and, you know, oh, we you know, we need to do a fundraiser and this, that and the other thing we need to get money for the medical bills, and yet they’re the ones that are squirreling away the money and not using it on the medical bills, or they’re the ones that are getting all the sympathy and getting all the attention. Meanwhile, the spouse is having to still take care of the kids and still, you know, take care of themselves and try to survive cancer and try to do this and try to do that and this person again, you’re dealing with communal narcissist, you’re dealing with somebody He puts this front on to everybody about how wonderful they are and how good they are and what good little Christians they are. And this, that, and the other thing, and as soon as the doors closed behind closed doors is all of this horrificness going on. And this is what happens. You know, if somebody is in an abusive relationship, and they’ve got a medical condition, please check up on them. Please get them alone if you can, because here’s the thing. narcissists use this opportunity to completely isolate their target of abuse. Because Okay, they’ve got a medical condition. Oh, no, you can’t come over. Oh, no, they need to be isolated. Oh, no, they, you know, the immune systems down, they can’t have anybody around. I’m calling BS on that. So if you know somebody that has got a medical condition and they are in a relationship with a narcissist, please check on them, please make a way to go find and see them, and get them alone and talk to them and see how they’re doing. Because this is the grand opportunity for narcissists to get their target of abuse completely isolated, completely alone, and completely abused.

So that it’s just ah, that they know no bounds.

Kris Godinez  16:07

There is no, what’s the word I’m looking for? They have no sense of a moral compass. They have no sense of kindness or concern or sort of okay, for if it’s not about them, it makes them angry, and they will get angry at the spouse or the child who has medical condition because how dare they take the finances away from them, the narcissist, right? How dare they take the attention off of them, the narcissist, how dare they take the whatever, you know, the affection or the concern or whatever of the spouse off of them.

So remember, when we were talking about kids, they get angry when somebody has a child because now the spouse is spending time with the child and they will demand that they don’t. It’s the same thing if the kid has a medical condition, they get angry that the good mom, the good dad is spending time with the sick child trying to heal them, and not spending time with the narcissist. So if that’s going on, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, it’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse. And if they’re willing to use medical stuff against you, they’re willing to use anything against you seriously, because and that’s the other thing. narcissists are stupid, let’s just be very clear. They don’t understand the law. They don’t read the law

Well, unless their lawyer judge, and quite a few of them are. But they don’t understand the law. They don’t read the law, they don’t get the law. And so they oftentimes will do things to their own detriment, not realizing that they’re illegal. So when they do things like that, you don’t warn them, you just send them the cease and desist. And you then you hit them with a restraining order, because they have no business using private medical records, even when the child is you know, a child, but they’re 18. They’re now legally adults. So if they’re legally adults, they don’t get the records. They will try, they will try to use anything and everything against you. They will try to use any medical condition to isolate you. They will try to use anything especially mental. Okay, let’s say that you’re going to a therapist. Right? Okay, let’s say that they’re not, you know, releasing the medical records, but let’s say that they’re telling everybody and their dog that you’re seeing a therapist, okay. Do you want to know a way to handle that? If you’re not still with them, again, a cease and desist letter, because it’s nobody’s business. And that is a violation of HIPAA because it’s nobody’s business. And secondly, you just be proud of it. Yeah, I’m seeing a therapist because I’m smart enough to know when I need help. Un like some people. You know what I’m saying? So yeah, it’s like, sticks and stones, Mofo. You know, if you don’t freak out about it, they got nothing. They got nothing. And so when you’re dealing with somebody who’s trying to humiliate you for taking care of yourself? Yeah, I’m taking care of myself. Yeah, seeing a therapist and enjoying it. You know what I mean?

They’re just so they will claim that, you know, because somebody has some medical condition that that inhibits their ability to think clearly. Very few medical conditions. PMDD Okay. Are there mood swings? Yes, PMS are the mood swings. Yeah, I used to joke throw chocolate and a raw steak in the room and back out slowly. Because the hormones would do crazy things. But that doesn’t make you irrational. It makes you kind of mood swingy, but that doesn’t necessarily make you irrational. It means that you’ve got hormones raging So but of course, they don’t understand that they don’t bother to research it. They don’t bother to understand medical conditions and so they try to humiliate you for having a normal condition of Being a female, or if it’s a man with diabetes, or a man with cancer or man with MS, or whatever they try to humiliate you for having a medical condition. And what you do is just kind of like, yeah, I’ve got it and no, it says nothing about me, except that I’ve got this particular disease. They’re just heinous, heinous, heinous, human beings,

Kris Godinez  20:23

And so the thing that you’re wanting to watch for is them using your personal information, them trying to humiliate you for your personal information, them doing the reaction formation. So remember, that is the ego defense mechanism where they go, Oh, I love everybody. Oh, I love women. Oh, I love men, when in fact, they hate them. And their actions tell you that.

So disrespect, lying, cheating, stealing, trying to humiliate you, that tells me they don’t. Do you see where I’m going with that? But you know, they’re saying all of these pretty words that you know, make everybody go, oh, is this real? Am I crazy? Am I losing it? Are they you know, do they say they love me, but you know, they’re telling everybody about my medical stuff, or they’re trying to embarrass me for going to see a counselor or whatever.

So there is that and just remember guys, narcissists are, they operate on a very young level, maybe that of a two year old on a good day, if the wind is going in the right direction. They are vindictive, like nobody’s business, they are also very impulsive. And that is impulsivity is the hallmark of every single personality disorder, they don’t think things through, use that to your advantage, if they are using medical stuff. Okay, great. Oh, it’s like, alright, you send them a cease and desist letter. If they are doing other things that are illegal. You have your lawyer deal with it. Don’t ever call them a narcissist in the court. Don’t do it unless you’ve got your degree in therapy and counseling and psychology, etc., etc., etc. What you want to do is facts and figures. And here’s the facts. Here’s the proof.

That’s the other thing if they are using the medical records of your child who’s now an adult, or your medical records, get proof, screenshot, text, you know, screenshot the text, screenshot the emails, make sure you’re doing everything through the family. What’s it called the Family owl. It’s the one where the judges see it, and there’s no erasing it and everything like that. So basically, you make sure everything is documented. 10 ways to Sunday, don’t come on glued. When they do this, when they do this, not if they do this, when they do this, they are grasping at straws, they will grasp medical straws if they know they’re losing. So let’s say you’re in a custody battle. They’re going to go through the whole, you know, Psych, eval and this, that, the other thing, and if you’re seeing a therapist, yeah, they’re going to subpoena the records, because they’re looking for anything they can use against you. So don’t be surprised. Don’t be surprised.

Kris Godinez  23:14

And it it’s frustrating, and it’s aggravating. And it’s scary. Because you’re afraid that you know, they’re going to make the judge see you is crazy.

But here’s the thing. Keep this in mind, guys. Judges have got over 800 cases on their docket at any one time. They do not have time for the Grand Theatre that the narcissist wants. Narcissists view court cases as Grand Theater their opportunity to show the world that you’re crazy and they’re not and you’re the bad guy and they’re not. The judges don’t care, guys. Judges don’t care what they want, is they want you off their docket. They want you to agree to 50/50 and get the hell out of their court. That’s what they want. Series is a hard handle heart. Hello, I’m swearing on. Where’s my Lord of the Rings thing? On JRR Tolkien you know, it’s like they just want you out of the court. They do. They do not want you in this long drawn out case that’s, that’s going to work to your advantage. Stick to the facts, stick to the figures. Detachment is going to be your friend in all of this.

So when they start pulling out the medical stuff when they start trying to embarrass you or use it against you in court, first of all have a good attorney. And I can’t tell you the number of people that go I can’t afford an attorney. Okay, here’s, here’s the deal. If you got kids, you cannot not afford an attorney. You need to be able to be represented by somebody that understands this is kind of a thick book, understands what’s going on in the courtroom. The court is not what you think it is. This is why it’s really important for you to understand how courts go. This is why narcissists, oftentimes really screw themselves in court because they get emotional. They lie. You can’t lie when you’re on, you know, under oath that’s not a good thing. So, you know, and if you’ve got a good attorney, the good attorneys going to go back through the testimony and go caught em in  a lie, ah, caught em in a lie, caught em in a lie.  Why, and then they’re going to bring it up. Do you see where I’m going with that. That’s why you need a good attorney. You need somebody who understands the law understands the court system understands the way it goes and understands the judges just want you the hell out of there.

So what you want is to be calm, cool, collected, detached, when they start using the medical stuff against you. Water off a duck doesn’t affect you, because your attorney has got it, and is going to get them on other things when they don’t get their way, they get wound up, especially if they’ve got borderline traits on top of that. So if they’re narcissists with borderline, holy cow, they’re going to go boom and explode and act out in the court. And that’s what you want. And if you’ve got a good attorney, the good attorney is going to know exactly how to push those buttons to make them go boom. Does that make sense?

So I know it’s scary. I know it’s freaky to have somebody you know, threatening to use your medical stuff against you or bringing up the fact that you’ve been seeing a counselor. Here’s the thing healthy, sane people go see counselors to help them because they know there’s something wrong and they want to fix it. Crazy people are the ones that go Oh, no, that’s okay. I’ll just, I’ll deal with it myself. I’ll white knuckle it. Oh, no, I don’t need a therapist. Nope, I’m fine. Meanwhile, they’re leaving this wake of damage behind them, and they don’t frickin care. What they’re concerned about is what they look like.

The thing that’s the scary iffy thing, in the core cases is if you do ask for Psych evals, on the entire family, sometimes it backfires. Because if you don’t get a good therapist that understands personality disorders, and they don’t recognize a psychopath, when they see one, you may get one that doesn’t catch that the the, the abuser is the abuser, because they’re charming, because the person is inexperienced, whatever. So that is the concern.

So basically, that’s they will use it, they will use it, they absolutely will, but they legally have no right to now in a court case they do, they can subpoena the records. But if they’re sending stuff out themselves personally, and handing out your medical records, or handing out your kids medical records, no cease and desist letter, they may not do that, you do not have written permission, you know, in the kid is going to have to do that as well, the kid will, the kid is going to have to be the one to do that letter, the cease and desist letter, because they’re now legally an adult. So they have to be like, you do not have permission to use my records, you know, cease and desist, etc., etc., etc. And the attorney can draft it, etc., etc., etc. So it’s a good idea to have a good attorney and if the abusers are doing things like that, then you want a good attorney, because this basically says to me, they have no moral compass, they need to be right at all costs. They don’t care what rules or laws they’re breaking. And, you know, you need to have somebody backing you up to make sure that your medical records are safe. So there it is,

When you’re speaking to a therapist, we’re going to get to the questions in just a minute. When you are speaking to a therapist, and you know, you’re in the middle of a high conflict, divorce, let them know, your records may be subpoenaed. I just want to let you know. So keep the notes short. Thanks. You know, seriously, you know, we’re what do you do in the case of a subpoena? How detailed are your notes? What do you know, how do you how do you protect me, from my crazy spouse? So these are things you can say to a potential therapist, why not? You need to know. So and a good therapist will let you know. And what I tell people is my notes are really short. They really are. They’re like three lines of what we talked about and what we’re working on and what the plan is. That’s it. That’s all that’s all it needs to be. So yeah. So talk to them about that. So there is that. Okay. Let’s dive into the questions that I cover reaction formation. Yes, I did. So that’s when they do the opposite of what they’re really thinking and feeling. Okay, let’s go over here.

Kris Godinez  29:15

Is it common for a narc parent to use the child’s illness as a reason for abuse? Yes, absolutely. My narc mother blamed my dying brother. Oh Jeeze! For getting cancer. And then she played the victim. Absolutely. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So they do they like I said, they get angry. They get angry. When a child gets sick. They get angry when the child is taking resources away from them. So, remember to them money is literally their God. Money is literally their God and they get angry when a child’s illness starts putting a financial drain on the family. They’re more concerned about the money than they are about their child surviving or getting better or healing or anything like that. So, yeah, they will blame the kid, they will harm them, they will abuse them, they will verbally beat them.

You know, along similar lines, my dad used to tell me that it was my fault, he could never retire. Okay, I looked him when I was 17. I supported myself since I was 17. So he could retire. Anytime after that. He persisted in that magic thinking, until the day he died. I was the reason he couldn’t retire. Because he had me and of course, I was pointed out to him, Well, you’re the age old who didn’t wear condoms. So then, of course, then he would hit me and all that fun stuff. But, um, you know, it’s like they absolutely look for any excuse to play the victim to be angry at the child because it’s not, it’s not acceptable to be angry at a child for you know, having cancer. But they’ll abuse them that way. Oh, you did this to me. And I had to do that you had cancer, like it was their fault. Like the kid woke up one morning and said, Hey, I want to be dying of cancer. How about No, how about that’s ridiculous. So ya know, the abusers will absolutely punish the child for having a disease, they will punish the child for being sick. They will punish the child, you know, like, Yeah, and again, it’s because the attention is not on them. And if they can’t get the attention, then they will play the victim. They’ll either the long suffering parent or the long suffering spouse or, you know, whatever. So yeah, they absolutely will use that as an excuse to verbally abuse sometimes physically abuse because they’re about the emotional age of a two year old if that on a good day.

Question. So my mark NARC, Dad never allowed me to be sick or go see a doctor and deny that I’m ill. Okay. narcissists have got weird thinking, do remember when we talked about that a couple of weeks ago, narcissists have got very weird thinking. They don’t want a child going to see the doctor because they’re afraid of what they’re going to tell the doctor. They don’t want the kid to be like, Hey, Dad hits me. Because, you know, the good doctors ask those questions in several different ways. If they’re a good doctor if not they ignore it. And there’s a lot of bad doctors out there. So yeah, they didn’t first of all, narcissists don’t want the kids having any opportunity to tell an authority figure who by the way, doctors are state mandated to report abuse Hello. So, they don’t want them to go to the doctor and say, oh, yeah, dad, dad hits. Yeah, dad spanks me or dad takes a belt to me or mom hits me or mom spanks me. Or mom takes the belt to me because remember, abusers can be both male and female. And everything in between. So, it’s, they yeah, they’re abusers. They don’t want their kids going to an authority figure that can report doctors can report, doctors, usually if they’re good doctors, ask the questions that will ferret out if the kid is being abused. Bad doctors don’t. So that is why they probably would not allow you to go to the doctor, um, and then denying sickness.

So again, it’s a competition. And it’s an inconvenience. Oh, you’re not sick kid, Buck up, you’re fine. You don’t need a doctor, you don’t need this, meanwhile the kid’s got a bone sticking out, you know. So they don’t care. They don’t care. And they hate it when somebody can get sympathy that they can’t. And they hate it when somebody can get attention when they can’t. So, they don’t want it’s an inconvenience for them. Well, if the kid is sick, and I have to take care of them. Well, I don’t want to have to take care of it. You’re not sick, da, da, da, da, da. Yeah.

Kris Godinez  34:04

You know, my dad used to do something very similar. He would get mad at us when we got stomach flu or things like that. He was terrible caregiver. He didn’t want to be a caregiver. And so he got angry at us when we got sick. Yeah, that’s exactly what they do. Because they don’t want to be bothered. They don’t want to be bothered. And what is the point of having a child if you’re not going to take care of them? Well, Narcissists. For my dad, he didn’t have really a choice. And he, oh my God, when he got rid of his first wife, and then he married my mom. It was like the first family never existed. And then suddenly this family was everything. And so you know, he had to have kids and show that he was just as good as the ex and could marry and this that and the other thing. And it’s, but he still wasn’t a good caregiver he was terrible, he was not warm and fuzzy, he definitely was not warm and fuzzy. And he would get angry if you have showed any sign of weakness.

So for a narcissist, weakness is being sick, weakness is crying, I wasn’t allowed to cry, it took me until I was about 16 or 17, to be able to cry. And even after that I had a hard time with it. Now I cry at the drop of the hat. But it’s really they don’t want any sign of weakness, it makes them angry, because to them, that’s not perfection. And remember, everything has to be perfect. Everybody around them has to be perfect. And that means not being sick. Because in their crazy minds, if you’re sick, you’re not perfect. Isn’t that nuts? That is just nuts. But that’s what they do to kids. And so then those kids grow up. And they have a hard time asking for help. Because that’s a trauma response. We have a hard time going to the doctor, I still hate going to the doctor, I’ll go but, you know, if we if we get sick, we get angry. I do because I’m just like, damn it, I got stuff I got to do. Why am I laying in bed? What is this? And I’m clear, that’s a trauma response. That’s because of my dad, we had to be up and doing stuff. So yeah, that’s what they do. They absolutely make you wrong for being sick. It’s stupid that it’s because they can’t stand the imperfection. If you’re imperfect, that means they’re imperfect, because they don’t have boundaries. They don’t understand the separation.

How do I get other family members to believe me about the abuse I’ve been going through because of my dad? Oh, honey, you’re probably not going to get them to believe you. You’re not. So, what you got to know is: you know what you know, you know what you know. And this has been brought home to me recently because I’ve been having to go through more boxes from my mom’s estate. And there was a box of, of condolence cards on my dad’s death, right? So, I’m going through and I’m just kind of casually you know, looking to see what’s in them and things like that. And nobody, nobody in Gridley knew what my dad was like, behind closed doors. Sometimes the family members didn’t know what dad was, like, behind closed… the distant ones, not the ones that were like, right there, because we all saw but you know, so it was very, you could ask John, this I didn’t, I really need to get a new punching bag, because I really have a lot of anger about that. So you know, it’s like they’re not, they’re not going to see it. Because remember, they put on a mask, they put on a mask, and they behave differently with different people. And they behave differently with different family members. So trust your experience, trust that you know what you know. And you don’t need to convince the other family members you don’t because either they know or they don’t. And to be in that deep of denial to not see it, especially when you’re right there that speaks volumes to the level of mental health issue that is going on.

So if they were right there, and they’re denying it, and they saw it, then get the hell away from them you’re not ever going to convince them and it’s not your job. Your job is to heal you. Your job is to get CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. Do it front to back get the disease to please Harry Braiker front to back. Self-esteem workbook Glen Schiraldi, front to back, do not skip around. Do it because you’ve got to trust you. You’ve got to trust your own experiences. Because yes, they make us question. Absolutely. So I remember telling the sister I have the most problems with that, you know, Dad tried to sexually molest me out by the pool. He tried to French kiss me, right. And she literally looked me in the eye and said he never did that.

Kris Godinez  38:43

And I stopped. And I put my hand out and I went stop right there. I know what I know. He molested me back off. And she did because she wasn’t expecting that response. She was expecting me to be like, Oh, okay. So you know, when somebody is in deep denial like that, you’re not going to change their mind. You’re not, you know, and to this day, to this day, my sister is like, oh, he was perfect. And I’m just like, perfectly awful. Thank you very much. So, and of course the other family members that were there that saw it are like, oh, yeah, yeah, Kris, he was perfectly awful. You’re not wrong, you know. So you’re not going to convince the family members that don’t want to see or hear the truth. You’re just not it’s not going to happen. So you’re going to have to let that go work on yourself. Know what the you know what, you know, certainty. They love to take our certainty away from us. They do. They want us to second guess they want us to go did that really happened. And am I imagining? No, I did not imagine that that really happened. You know what I’m saying? So know what you know, don’t worry about convincing them. It’s not your job. Your job is to get you healthy and away from these bozos. Anybody that sides with the abuser is not your friend, or your real family. Let’s be clear. If they’re siding with the abuser if they’re refusing to see the truth is not your job to educate them or remind them no, your job is to go fix you heal you take care of you be certain trust your gut know that you know what, you know. There you go. So yeah, there that that hope that answers the question and you’re not alone sweetie that’s all right.

Why can’t I remember most of my childhood I know there was trauma and that’s why Okay, let’s talk about PTSD. All right, so PTSD in the DSM five is a one time event like a car accident. witnessing a robbery, being threatened with a knife or a gun or being in war, things like that complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, something happened day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day, the might had been different ways of abuse, but it was still abuse. So when we have trauma in our lives, and depending on how old we are, okay.

Kris Godinez  41:04

Little kids can’t cope with trauma that some adults can’t cope with trauma. A lot of people can’t cope with trauma, and that’s okay. You know, because it’s like, it’s so overwhelming and so traumatic and so hard to deal with. And little kids in particular, don’t have the cognitive ability to process the trauma and be able to go that’s on them. It is not me, it is them. So when little kids go through trauma, they literally kick out the information, they dissociate, they leave their body. You know, if there was sexual abuse going on, I cannot tell you the number of reports of the child saying I watched it from the corner of the room. You know, I saw what was happening to me, but I was over here watching it. So literally dissociated, literally just checking out. Nope! Peace out!

Gone. See, yeah. It’s a way of coping. It’s a coping mechanism. That is why we cannot remember a lot of our childhood, if there’s been a huge amount of trauma, and we haven’t worked on the trauma. So the big thing I would say would be, give yourself a big old hug chest, honey, you’re normal. This is what happens when we go through abuse, we don’t remember huge chunks of it. That is one of the key aspects of PTSD is that you don’t remember a lot surrounding the trauma. So, get with a good trauma therapist, get with a good trauma therapist, look into EMDR. And look into EFT. EFT is the tapping. And that helps deal with trauma. EMDR is really good, a good trauma therapist is going to be good, you start working the books, work on your triggers, part of the time when we start remembering, and it happens, you won’t remember until you feel safe. That’s just the nature of the beast, you won’t remember until you feel safe.

So when I start working with my clients, and they tell me that they can’t remember large chunks of their childhood, I warn them of that I say, look, as soon as you start feeling safe, you’re going to start remembering stuff, and it’s probably going to show up as flashbacks, it’s going to show up out of the blue in the middle of the grocery store on a Tuesday, you know, and, and it’ll happen. So just, you know, beware, you’re going to have triggers, you’re going to have emotional flashbacks, you’re going to start remembering, and it takes a long time. It does, it takes a long time to build that rapport, to get the trust going for them to start working on the self-esteem to for them to start feeling safe. And then lo and behold, the memories start trickling back. And then we deal with them as they come up.

So, I know a lot of people are like, no, no, no, no, no, I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to… No, no, no, it’s too painful. Okay, take a deep breath. Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was horrible. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. However, until you bring it to the light and you process it through, you’re always going to be driven subconsciously by that trauma. Let me say that again. Until you bring it to the light and you process it through, you’re going to be driven subconsciously by that trauma. You’re going to be making decisions that a four-year-old would make the inner child is going to be the one making decisions. You don’t want the four-year-old and your child to be making decisions. You want the adult you to be making decisions. That’s why working on the trauma is so hugely important. Is it scary? Yes. Can it be painful? Absolutely. The thing you have to remind yourself of is you survived. You’re here. You’re listening to this, this this I was going to say tape but we don’t have tape anymore. I don’t know when you’re listening to this video. So, you know you survived. It’s just memories now they cannot hurt you anymore. The memories can be painful. Absolutely. But and because it’s an and world. It cannot hurt you. It’s in the past. You are dealing with the stuff from the past, and that is going to heal your present. And it’s going to make for a better future. Trust me on that one. So you want to work through it, don’t be afraid of it. Don’t be afraid of it. Fear is what stops us. Remember I talked about that last week, fear is what stops us from getting from over here to what we want. And in between is this little tube called fear that we kind of have to run through and give the middle finger to and work on the stuff so that we can get to what we want. And what we want is freedom. What we want is to explore the world and joy and fun and happiness and liking ourselves. That’s what we want.

So yeah, the trauma. When it happens to us as little ones, we tend to dissociate, we forget, but it’s always there. It’s always there. And when you feel safe, it will come back the memories generally do come back. Not always, but generally. So it can, the triggers will always be there. So if you’re getting triggered by something and you’re like, What the hell, that’s when you really need to journal and figure out what is this about and realize you may start remembering, and it’s okay, I would rather you remember than not remember because you got to process it so that you can feel it and heal it and move forward and not be run by the subconscious.

Kris Godinez  46:14

So there is that. Okay, let’s see. Ah, okay. So yes, the reason you can’t remember is because of the dissociation that is associated with PTSD, CPTSD? Absolutely.

Okay, if those being mistreated mentions the abusers diagnosis, are we making a mistake? Targets wanting to be validated? So is there a safe way to mention their diagnosed bullies? Well, it depends on what you’re talking about. If you’re doing a legal case, no, you will. Okay. caveat, if you’ve got a good attorney, you can have the attorney subpoena their medical records. Okay. So that’s one way to do it. If they have a diagnosis, though, really, I wouldn’t, unless you’re a counselor, a therapist, PhD, whatever. I wouldn’t, you know, it’s enough how to explain? You don’t need a diagnosis to show that somebody is abusive. What you need is the behavior. They’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, they’re doing this, that’s really all you need. You know, a diagnosis is nice. It’s it is, you know, so, yeah, I can think of one case I had where they did do a family psych eval, and it was a good evaluator, because he came back with every personality disorder in the book. And, you know, the judge took one look and was like, okay, you know, against the abuser. So, I mean, that that turned out good. But then I’ve had other ones where they completely missed it. So really, what you want is the behavior, behaviors, behaviors, behaviors, behaviors speak louder than any diagnosis ever will. You know, if there is really a diagnosis and you’re in a court battle, tell your attorney and ask them about getting the records. You know, that’s really all you can do. But if you’re just talking to people, no, just stick with what the behavior is. I mean, here’s the deal. My dad never got diagnosed ever, because he refused. Wow, what a surprise, to go get help. He hated therapists, which is so funny that I’m a therapist. He’d hate this. Anyway. Um, so he never had a diagnosis. Do I have some suspicions about what he was you? You betcha! You know, and really, it’s the behavior, the behavior, the behavior, the behavior, the behavior, the behavior, you know? And that’s, that’s all you need. That’s all you need. That’s you don’t need to have a diagnosis. You just got to look at the behavior. So remember, when you’re dealing with the court system, they want facts and figures, they want documentable behaviors, you know, so like, say, for example, they’re blowing up your phone 100 times a day. Okay. Well, that’s a crazy behavior. You got that right there. Let’s say they’re being baiting in their emails. Well, if you have the family, what the heck is that family wizard? That’s what it is family wizard, family wizard. So, if you’ve got the family wizard, okay, you’ve got proof that they’re baiting you in the emails and that they’re, you know, saying false things or lying or going back on what they said three emails ago, I’m going with that. So its behavior, its behavior, its behavior. It’s not a diagnosis, its behavior, which is funny, because then you get the diagnosis from the behavior. So you know, all right. So all right there was that.

Kris Godinez  49:43

Okay, I struggle with feeling like I have to be productive. When I don’t. I can have unrealistic expectations of things. How do I handle this? Okay. So, this is what abusers do to their kids, they make them feel worthless unless they’re doing something for them. So, it’s interesting how so many of us have the problem or the issue of being unable to relax, or being unable to just do nothing, or being unable to not be productive. That is a trauma response. That’s a trauma response. So, the best example I can give you is, my dad’s dad was an alcoholic, I come from a long line of alcoholic attorneys, what a surprise. And his dad used to beat the living crap out of him. Now, I have compassion for that. But that does not excuse my dad’s behavior. So, because my dad had a dad, that was exactly like him, right? So, dad’s dad was cuckoo, and abusive and alcoholic and beat him and everything else. My dad could never relax, we would go on vacation, he could never relax, we were up at six o’clock every morning, we were doing something we had to be reading up on whatever battleground we were going to, or we had to, if we were up in the mountains, we had to be picking up around the cabin that we were staying at and getting little twigs for the fires and things like that, he would wake up at five o’clock in the morning and use the chainsaw up there and wake the entire valley up because that’s what he did. He couldn’t relax, he couldn’t just chill out and allow people to relax. If he caught anybody reading a book or enjoying the sunshine or not working, he would give them something to do. And usually it was meaningless tasks like picking up twigs. So, it’s a learned behavior. It’s a learned behavior. So, my suggestion would be write it a good Beiler write it a resignation letter, dear busy, I quit. I resign, benefits suck. There’s no vacation time. I’m tired. I want to not do anything for an entire weekend or an entire vacation. And you know what? That is my right as a human being. So go, pound , sand. Do you see where I’m going with that? Resign, quit. It’s a trauma response. You don’t have to be productive you don’t. It’s okay to relax. It’s okay to have a vacation and do nothing or just have fun. Doesn’t have to be productive, you know. So, my suggestion would be writing a goodbye letter, journal it out, you know, put it back on the person that belongs to whoever taught you that it had to be productive. And get with a good trauma therapist and start working on it. You have the right to relax you do you have the right to be nonproductive. I mean, one of the greatest joys in life is after an entire week of working with clients. on a Saturday, I’ll just do nothing. Like nothing like read a book, like, lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. Because really, it’s 114 and I’m not going to be doing much. You know what I’m saying? It’s okay, it’s okay to not have to be productive and that’s going to be mirror work. That’s going to be another way that you’re going to work on besides doing the journaling besides writing the goodbye letter to it. Besides handing it back to the person that taught it to you. You’re going to be doing mirror work. Hi, good to see you have a great day. You know what? It’s okay for you to relax. It’s okay for you to be not productive. It’s okay for you to have a vacation. It’s all right. And then walk out now what’s going to happen is the first day that you attempt that, that inner critic is going to pop up and you’re going to continually tell it to go pound sand. You’re gonna send it on its merry way. Nope. mofo I’m not. I’m not doing anything productive today. Go pound sand. Buh bye! 10 minutes later, okay. Yeah, I hear you. I see you. I hear you. I see you. Guess what? I’m the boss. Go pound sand. Have a nice day. Goodbye. Bye. Have a nice day. Me go bad said goodbye. Bye now. Do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, that’s absolutely what you’re going to have to do. Okay, let’s see.

With Schiraldi and skipping around, I thought it was okay. If our esteem in that particular area is solid. If your esteem in that particular area is solid, yes.

Kris Godinez  54:23

However, I’ve had some clients that will swear to me up and down that their esteem is really solid in that area, and it’s not and I encourage them to do it. Anyway. You can always learn stuff about yourself always. And I would rather be thorough I would rather go front to back. You know if you’re seeing a solid and you’re really not getting anything out of it. Okay, great. But if your esteem is not solid and you find you’re getting something out of it goes straight through. So yeah, so you can always you can always learn stuff about yourself. The self-esteem workbook is not a one and done. I recommend going through it. A couple Little times, you know, and just seeing where you work because self-esteem is not a fixed point in time. So do that. Alright, let’s see. What else do we have? Oh, that’s it. We are done. All right, my love’s go have a great week and I will and it’s supposed to be 111 next Sunday, so stay cool drink plenty of water. Alright guys, I will talk to you later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.

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Kris Godinez  00:02

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Kris Godinez  01:01

Okay, let’s talk about emotional neglect. Now, this is an issue with darn near every person that comes in on my couch has. So not every abuser is going to be the, the screaming, yelling, beating the kid up that kind of thing. And abuse can be silent, which is horrible. I think it’s all bad. It’s all bad. I mean, it’s like one leaves a physical bruise, the other one leaves an emotional bruise.

So, what I often have with clients that had parents that were emotionally neglectful, in other words, what is emotional neglect? Okay. emotional neglect is where the kid is, non-verbally, given the absolute message that they are not wanted, respected, needed, etc, go a kid you bother me kind of thing but not said, and emotional things are not discussed with the family. It’s like emotions don’t exist, or if emotions come up, they’re quickly shoved under the carpet, or the message is really clear. We’d have we don’t talk about Bruno, you know, it’s like, we don’t talk about this. We don’t nope, nope. So it’s like real surface level stuff. Nothing ever dives deep. There’s never any big discussions about emotions, or how are you feeling the kids emotions are disregarded. They’re not listened to. And this is the thing that drives me crazy is when I go out with John, sometimes we’ll go out to dinner. And I’ll you know, me, I’m people watcher, and I’m listening to like the conversations around me and I’ll see these parents, the kid will be excited about something and trying to tell them about something. And they’ll tell him to shush, don’t want to hear it not interested. You know, and I’m just sitting there going, Oh, this is an emotional neglect and in progress, I can see it. So what ends up happening is, is that poor little kid who grows up to be an adult gets these mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs about their voice. And when I say their voice, I mean their self esteem, the sense of who they are, their right to exist, their right to be happy, their right to have emotions, their right to cry, the right to be angry with their parents. I’ll tell you one emotion they do get a lot from these emotional neglectful parents is guilt. So the the emotionally neglectful parents will tell the kid and how many times have we heard this? Hello, raise your hand Been there? Done that? You know, don’t you? Don’t you be mad at me? I’m your parent. I’ll give you something to be mad about. I’ll give you something to cry about. I’ll give you something to fill in the blank about because the parent cannot cope with emotions at all period. Sound familiar? Yeah, it does.

Okay, so I wanted to read from some of these articles I got off of psychology two day this one is? No, that’s in a relationship. I want to get to that one in a minute. Ah 16 tells that your parents may have been emotionally neglectful. So, what does it take for a parent and this is by sorry, this is by Jonice Webb PhD, this is on psychology today and it’s called 16 tells that your parents maybe have been emotionally neglectful. Um, so what does it take for a parent to emotionally neglect their child? Not surprisingly, it takes literally nothing. The emotional neglect in families tends to happen organically as it’s passed down silently and invisibly from one generation to the next. So, in other words, I don’t know how many of you got this but I certainly did. Children are to be seen and not heard. Oh, yeah, that that backfired really big on them. You know, guess what, Mofo? You know. So yeah, your children are to be seen and not heard. That’s a very Victorian kind of way of thinking. Also very abusive, also very stupid also. Don’t raise your kids like that. So it’s that very much a children are to be paraded out and and make the parents look good but then they need to be trotted back into the house and not heard not loved, not respected, not understood not talked to not anything, I cannot tell you the number of clients I have that once they get out of the abusive parental relationship and and sometimes abusive romantic relationships due to the abusive parental relationship and when I say abusive, I mean emotionally neglectful, they will feel guilty for feeling happy.

Kris Godinez  05:43

How many of us have felt that? How many of us have gone through that hole? I can’t, I can’t be happy. That’s not okay. I can’t be you know; I can’t talk about this. I can’t you know, it’s like this non permission to exist. So, the message that we get from those kinds of parents that ignore kids’ happiness, ignore their emotions ignore what’s going on in the family. Or worse gaslight them no, you don’t see the pink elephant named Harold taking a crap in the corner of the living room. You know, it makes the kid feel in visible and worthy. There’s a reason we get that internal dialogue that is just nasty. And that’s why I keep telling people it’s like, you know, be very careful how you speak to your children because that becomes their either inner critic, or their inner cheerleader. So basically, with neglectful, emotionally neglectful, they just don’t acknowledge it’s, it’s like this weird silence in the families, you know, serious topics come up and it’s immediately ignored, or it’s immediately told to be quiet, or it’s immediately shoved under the rug, or it’s, you know, so we get this message. It’s not okay to exist. It’s not okay to exist. It’s not okay to have emotions. It’s not okay to be happy.

It’s not okay to be angry at the parent, you know, and here’s the really confusing thing, I think, for survivors of abuse. And I’ve heard this multiple, multiple times from clients that have had emotionally neglectful parents. Well, they never hit me. Well, they don’t have to they were hitting you verbally or non-verbally, by the reactions to what you were saying, well, they provided food and shelter. Okay, that’s basic. That’s, that doesn’t make you a great parent is it’s good to start. But where’s the emotional component of that kids are emotional kids are? What’s the word I’m looking for? That’s all they are. Because cognitively when you think about it, emotions are very primal. Okay. That’s the first thing kids start learning how to work with and then eventually they get the cognitive ability to do the logic and this and that and the other thing like that, but emotions are hugely important and what are these abusers do? No, you can’t have that. No, you can’t you can’t feel that. No, you know, we’re not going to discuss that. No, you don’t exist. Now. You’re you’re an extension of me. Oh, Do you see where I’m going with that? So these kids grow up with this internal dialogue that is shut up. Be quiet. Don’t Don’t tell anybody what you’re thinking or feeling. Don’t trust. Don’t Have fun. Don’t enjoy yourself. How dare you? I mean, oh, nasty, nasty, nasty. And yes, it is just as bad as being hit it is because the bruises are internal. You can’t see them necessarily. But that’s how it kind of starts manifesting is that it’s not okay to be angry with the parent. It’s not okay to be happy. It’s not okay to be successful. This is where a lot of the self-sabotage stuff comes from is from the emotionally neglectful parents so hold on want to get back to that article. Um they don’t give their children validation. They don’t know how in some cases because they’ve never been validated themselves because remember, this is a generational thing. We talked we talked about that generational trauma generational trauma. His grandparents did it parents did it kids got it done to them and unfortunately, if they don’t get help, they’re going to do it to their own kids. Um, okay.

Kris Godinez  09:09

Okay, so the parents can be are oftentimes permissive In other words, they don’t want to be bothered so they just let the kid do whatever um they can be workaholics gone all the time and they get and you know, my dad did that a lot. He did the whole you know, go a kid I don’t want to hear you. I you know, I work all day you play all day. How dare you? Yeah, cuz I don’t have a law degree jerk off. You know what I’m saying? So it’s like, yeah, they just, I was six. So you know, I mean, they get angry because they’re having to work and support a family, but they’re resentful of having the family and so they take it out on the kid and make it the kids fault, you know, and blame the kid in some way, shape or form, you know, and yeah, workaholic, etc, etc, etc. or they are perfectionists, and the only time the kids ever get the emotional validation or the emotional attention that they crave is when they’re perfect. Oh, that’s too much. That’s too much. Nobody is perfect. The last perfect person walked on water and got nailed to a tree. You know what I’m saying? That was 2000 years ago, that’s not happening now. You know. So it’s like, they want us to be perfect. They want us to make them look good, we have to be perfect. We have to do everything that they do, or everything that they say and make them look good. That is not being a parent. That is not reality. narcissists don’t deal in reality.

But anyway, so there, that’s a tell. That’s the you had an emotionally neglectful parent, you feel confused about your feelings for your parents, you feel you love them, you hate them, you feel guilty for being angry at them. Being with your parents is painful, it’s like, they never go deep. They never talk about real things. It’s like, there was one that the parents would only talk about the Kardashians. That’s all they would talk about is like pop culture, things on television that had absolutely no bearing on anything resembling reality in any way, shape, or form. You know, for this person, do you see where I’m going with that? So surface surface, surface, they never dive deep, they never go to emotions, that’s a that’s a verboten thing. Um, your parents don’t know or see the real you as you are today. They continually try to treat you like a kid. Because they’ve never bothered to learn who you are as an adult, that’s part of a healthy relationship with a parent with a healthy parent, is that as the child grows and and gains cognitive ability to move through the world, the parent child relationship starts changing from that of, you know, I’m, I’m the one that dictates everything to Okay, here’s, I’m giving you responsibility or learning responsibility. You’re doing it on your own. Okay, great. Good. You’re okay, you’re in college, call me once a month. That’s good, you know, and then the relationship changes to more of a mentor kind of thing. It’s not like this. What’s the word? I’m looking for a dictator. It’s not that dictator thing that the narcissistic parents do. It’s like a yes, I’m the parent. Yes, I’m going to give you my two cents. However, you’re an adult, and I trust you to do what’s right for you. Because I raised you. Well, you know what I’m saying, but I have obviously, narcissists are control freaks, they want to control they want to manipulate they want to, anyway, um, okay.

Um, they say that they love you, but you do not feel it. And the reason why is because actions speak louder than words, look at the actions. So my dad would do this all the time. Oh, I love you. I love you, I love you. And then he’d be hitting the crap out of me. And I’m just like, if that’s love, I’m going up to a mountaintop and being celibate for the rest of my life. Thank you very much. You know, because they just don’t know how to how to. So yeah, if you if you if you they’re telling you, they love you, but you don’t feel loved. You’re not wrong, you are not wrong.

Um, okay, so if the parent was constantly sick or constantly absent, you have great empathy toward your parent and you feel codependent a strong wish to help and or take care of them to your detriment. Um, you can understand why you feel inexplicable anger towards them, because there’s nothing to point out physically, but it’s all emotional.

Kris Godinez  13:45

Okay, self-involved parents, narcissistic, authoritarian addicted and sociopathic signs to look for. You feel anxious before seeing your parents because you know, it’s going to be a doodoo show. You often find yourself hurt when you’re with your parents, it’s not unusual for you to be physically sick, right before, during or after seeing your parents because you’re such a nervous wreck. You have significant anger at your parents, your relationship with them feels completely false. Like you’re trying they’re not. And you’re just they’re going through the motions or they’re there going through the motions and it’s not a real relationship. It’s hard to predict whether your parents will behave in a loving way or rejecting way from one moment to the next. Sometimes your parents seem to be playing games with you or manipulating you or even trying to purposely confuse or hurt you. So that is 16 tells that you have an emotionally neglecting parent. Okay?

Does it interfere with happiness? So yes, so this is again as a continuation of her blog. It’s Jonice Webb PhD, are three ways early emotional neglect interferes with happiness. So, when we’re a kid, you know, it’s like Like in a healthy relationship, the parents are teaching the kid, you know how to be proud of themselves because we’re mirroring to them who they are. little bundle of light, you know, and you know, good job. You know, you did that, you know, that kind of thing. And that kind of helps the kids start going, oh, oh, they’re clapping because I want, okay, you know, and so that they get happy and they start feeling good about themselves, and you keep mirroring back to them who they are so neglectful parents don’t do that. They just don’t, your life feels colorless or gray. That’s one of the signs you have difficulty understanding, sorting or using your feelings and it makes you feel vulnerable. You do a lot of self-blame, you do a lot of self-shame, and especially anger, most of it directed right back at you. Um, so. Okay, so there’s there is that so. Yeah. And that stops us from having happiness because our brains, when we keep traveling down a certain route, that’s where our brains automatically go. So, if your knee jerk reaction to anything is I don’t deserve it or not good enough, or how dare you or whatever. And you keep doing that, that’s going to be your first reaction to everything. And that will become ingrained, which is why it is so hugely important, now we’re kind of shifting gears. I think we understand what emotional neglect is, it’s when the parents don’t appropriately mirror back to the kid who they are, and validate emotions and validate accomplishments and validate who they are and help them figure out self-esteem. Because that’s what that’s all about.

So how do you heal from that? So, it’s rewiring your brain rewiring your brain I kid you not. When I say mirror work, I am not just whistling a tune to hear myself whistle. It is mirror work. You are having to reroute those thoughts. thought stopping. That’s another way to get rid of that those thoughts that pop up, you know, oh, God, everything’s so boring. Wait a minute, stop. The world is an amazing place. What do I want to be doing? Right now? What haven’t I done that I’d like to do? Oh, okay. Let’s go do that. You know, thought stopping that was an interesting thought. Who says it’s boring. Oh, mom and dad. Okay, well, thank you. You’re not mom or dad. So go pound sand. Bye. Bye. Bye now. Bye bye. Do you see where I’m going with that? So, it’s thought stopping and it’s re parenting and the RE parenting is the mirror work and it’s the positive affirmations. And it’s working on Neurofeedback Neurofeedback with the Meadows do it. It’s it’s Bessel Vander Kolk. It’s retraining the brain instead of going down this awful path that’s going to lead to depression and horrible thoughts. It’s retraining the brain to go into someplace positive instead.

So, mirror work. Hi, good to see you. Because you want to look at yourself. And I say this all the time. And everybody’s like, Why do you say that? Because you’re re parenting you, you are talking to that little inner child. That’s the one who got damaged. So, you’re re parenting you, you are looking into your eyes and you’re going Hi, good to see you. Oh my gosh, you have a great day. I give you permission to like yourself and then walk out. That’s all. That’s it. And you look at yourself with love. And a lot of people have a very, very, very hard time doing that. And if you do you just say it out loud. You need to start hearing it instead of Debbie Downer over here. Does that make sense? So, you want to start re parenting yourself. You want to really really, really address the emotional neglect Dear Mom, Dear Dad. Wow. Thanks for sending me out to the world not being able to recognize an emotion if it walked up and did the Watusi with me what the hell? You know what I’m saying?

So yeah, you write and burn angry letters to them. They are never going to know why because those letters are just for you. You’re not sending them okay, don’t send them don’t don’t… trust me on that one. Don’t send them these letters or for you you write and burn an angry letter to them dear mom, dear dad, guess what? I am having a hard time figuring out what I’m feeling. Because you never bothered to teach me emotions. You never bothered to validate my emotions or my feelings or my thoughts or my existence or anything else. And at the end of the letter, you take your power back guess what you guys don’t get to live rent free up here one more second. Have a nice life. And by that I mean go pound sand. I’m going to figure out what emotions are. Screw you and then walk it out to the trot it out to the barbecue. Burn it, let it go. One of the ways to start figuring out what emotions are is to play with them. Play with them. Get an emotion chart. Start going through the emotion chart. What does each of these emotions feel like? Can you identify emotions in a movie? Can you identify in your body Where the emotions are happening? You know, where does that feel from start feeling, feeling, feeling when I say you have to feel it to heal it, I am not kidding. You want to feel the emotions, you want to identify what you are feeling and you want to give yourself permission to be validated. To be heard. A lot of times I know this is gonna sound all woowoo and everything else a lot of times kids that were very much invalidated and told to shut up all the time.

Kris Godinez  20:37

Have a lot of throat issues fifth chakra anybody? I don’t know, getting get a little way out there. But yeah, they oftentimes have, have throat issues. It’s like, and it’s because the message they got was shut up. Don’t be heard. I don’t want to hear not interested. How dare you. Baba, baba, baba. The body keeps score, guys. I’m not kidding. You read the book. Bessel Vander Kolk. Excellent. So, you want to re train your brain to get rid of all of the mistaken thoughts. Now this is CBT. This is what I’m getting into. Cognitive behavioral therapy, mistaken thoughts and mistaken beliefs that the abuser or the neglectful person gave it to you? Okay, so Alright, so hang on, how are we doing on time? We’re doing good. Okay.

All right. So it does hold us back. Because we get this feeling like, you know, it’s not okay to be heard. It’s not okay to be seen the questions that parents should be asking their kids?  How are you doing today? You know, or if they notice that they’re sad, are you sad? What’s going on? How was school? What did you do at school? You know, is was something scary for you, you know, what do you want? What do you need, and kids are never asked that not in abusive families, they are never given the opportunity to say what they want or need, and they’re never given the opportunity to express something that’s going on. I’ll give you a great example. My dad, one time I was having problems at school, I had a bully. And I came home and I said, Dad, I’ve got a problem, because I was wanting it as advice. And probably guess it must have been about third grade. Um, and so that would have made me about eight. And he looked at me with disgust and was like, I got problems, my own kid Shut up, and then went right back to Walter Cronkite. And I’m like, Are you kidding me and Walter Cronkite for the kids out there used to be a newscaster back in the 60s, and 70s. So anyway, so the message was clear, clear as day I never asked him again for help. Which, by the way, is a trauma response. And that comes from emotional neglect. Because we’re told clearly without, you know, without so much saying it, but it’s like, yeah, you’re not, you’re not worth it. I don’t want to hear it. Don’t ask me for help, etc, etc, etc. So that then becomes our trauma response to not ask for help. Because I’ll do my own damn self, you know, I’m not gonna count on you or anybody Screw you. It’s that trust thing. And it comes from experience of not being able to trust your own frickin parent, because they’re jerks. God. Anyway, so there is that.

So the other way that kids get damaged is that the parent never notices, their hobbies, things that they’re good at. Things that they would like to do, or they mentioned, gee, I’d really love to play baseball. And what they’ll do is they’ll make fun of them. Oh, don’t get me started. Don’t. So they’ll make fun of them. They’ll put them down they’ll say that’s not possible. You know? No, we I’m not going to I’m not going to spend my time watching you play soccer. Yeah, like it’s about them. Hello, it’s about your kid you had a kid so that they could experience the world. Because it’s a big beautiful world out there. You know, in there too selfish to want to spend time with a kid playing baseball throwing the ball around, you know, any of that stuff. So it’s emotional neglect is a lot of stuff they never like also, it’s like if a kid says I don’t like a certain food, you know what abusers will do? They’ll serve that certain food.

Kris Godinez  24:10

Because they know the kid doesn’t like it and they’re sadists You bet. Oh, I didn’t know you didn’t like it, even though clear as day the kids said it. Yeah, I’ve seen that before too. So they’re just they’re heinous, heinous, heinous, heinous human beings, and really should just be shipped off to Mars without oxygen if you want my personal opinion. Um, so they don’t ever ask the the important questions, you know, like, well, how are you doing and what’s new? And you know, that’s why everybody makes fun of me when I do my, my counseling will not make fun of me, but they laugh because when I see somebody, my first words out of my mouth are oh my gosh, Hi, how are you? What’s new, what’s exciting, what’s happening? What’s going on? You know, because I am very interested, because I want to help them. So but I have a genuine interest in what is going on in their lives. And that is something that 99.9999999% of us have missed out on when we had narcissistic parents, neglectful parents, abusive parents, etc, etc, etc is because they just didn’t effing care. They didn’t, they could really truly give two rats asses about us. Like if that you know what I’m saying.

So okay, so that then leads to okay red flags of emotional neglect in the family and then I am going to try to get to the questions Hang on. Um, okay, so childhood emotional neglect. They don’t. They don’t, they don’t. You don’t notice when you’re what you’re feeling when you’re feeling. They don’t ask about your feelings. They don’t connect with you on emotional level or validate anything. They claim that they have no idea that they’re neglecting their child’s emotions that may or may not be true as far as narcissists are concerned a lot of times they’re doing it on purpose in order to harm

Um, okay, how it plays out in the family. Your family conversations are surface only you feel an unexpected, or unexplained resentment or anger towards your parents, which you feel guilty about oftentimes, not always. But a lot of times you go to family events with the hopes of enjoying yourself, but you always come away feeling empty or disappointed. difficult or interpersonal problems in the family are generally ignored. Instead of being addressed. We don’t talk about Bruno that’s a prime example. If you haven’t seen Encanto, go, go go go see it. Um, it feels like your siblings are competing with each other, but you’re not quite sure for what affection in your family is expressed via action, doing things for people and not so much by words or emotional expressions. And usually, sometimes not even by doing things. It’s like, a lot of times there’s nothing there’s like crickets, emotions, perhaps only negative emotions, but maybe all seems taboo in your family. So oftentimes, in these feelings, the only emotion that’s allowed, is anger, but it’s only allowed by the abuser or by the neglecter because I can’t tell you the number of times that my father told us that we weren’t allowed to be angry or we were allowed to be sad or we weren’t allowed to fill in the blank. Yeah. You feel surprisingly lonely or left out. And you feel like an outsider, even when you’re surrounded by friends. Yes, that is totally common. Coming out of neglectful families because we just have this sense of not being wanted. And so we kind of push that on to you know, our other situations, etc, etc, etc. Okay.

10 red flags and emotional neglect in a relationship. Okay. There’s also by the same author, Jonice Webb, PhD, it’s on psychology today. So um

Kris Godinez  27:57

Okay, here are the 10 signs you and your partner misread each other’s true feelings, actions, thoughts or intentions very often, you often want or engage in mind reading that didn’t know nobody’s a mind reader here if they were we would all be millionaires because we would all would have won the lottery. So you know, it’s like that’s unhealthy thinking it’s kind of magic thinking. As a couple you avoid bringing up difficult things so as not to upset the other witches Say it with me codependent. You know, because you don’t want to rock the boat. You haven’t figured out how to argue productively. So oftentimes, it what will end up happening is that people from neglectful relationships will just not know what they’re feeling number one, and not know how to express it number two, and if their partner also comes from a very difficult background, you’ve got two people who are just absolutely unable to communicate in a healthy way. And so it ends up either arguing and nasty and vicious and you use or it’s the circle argument or, you know, the you know, stuff from the past gets brought up and things like because nobody ever taught them emotionally neglectful parents never teach their kids how to have a discussion or a disagreement because unhealthy relationships that are not knockdown, drag out fights. I know Newsflash, ah, whoda thought? but it’s like unhealthy relationships. It’s like, it’s a discussion or it’s a disagreement. You know, it’s like you just you don’t agree. Okay, well, let me understand your point of view, please understand my point of view. Okay, let’s now find a mutually agreeable solution. That’s a healthy way of doing things in dysfunction. It’s like it’s really hard to get your thoughts across if you cannot put a name to what the problem is or to what the issue is or to what the emotion is. So that’s why discovering what emotions are is hugely important. Okay. Um, your conversations are mostly focused on facts, events or logistics. So there’s Little thoughts of feelings or, you know, it’s kind like wow, wouldn’t it be great if we could travel here and do that, that would be so awesome. I’d love to be on a beach, it would feel so warm and wonderful and happy. And, you know, there’s none of those thoughts. It’s very, you know, facts, figures, facts, figures kind of thing. Your spouse is not the first person you want to tell something when something great happens or a problem comes up because they don’t know how to respond if they are emotionally neglectful. So, you know, in other words, something great happens to you. And in a healthy relationship, your partner is like all yours, you know, John, and I do that all the time to each other. It’s like, our days even though we even though we work from home, and even though he’s in the office right next door, you know, we shut the door, we come out, we have dinner, and we talk about our day, you know, and how we’re feeling feelings. Feelings. Yeah, yeah, seriously feelings. So, you know, how did you feel? And what do you want to do it? Let’s go for a walk. And let’s talk and let’s do this. And let’s do that. And yeah, and emotionally neglectful. People don’t know how to do that.

Um, if you seek comfort from your spouse, they often say the wrong thing. So here’s the deal. Most people just want to be heard; most people just want to be heard. And I teach my couples this, you know, when I was working with couples, I don’t do couples anymore. It’s too hard. I’m, like herding cats. But I would teach them to ask for what they need when they start something. So you know, oftentimes, the person just needs to vent say, Hey, I don’t need anything. I don’t need a solution. I just need to vent. Is that cool? Do you have five minutes to for me to vent and then bla, and then okay. And then that person can be like, Wow, sounds like you had a really rough day, you know, or whatever. With somebody who doesn’t know how to communicate, they will try to pull up the toolbox to fix the problem, as opposed to just listening. And the reason they do that is because probably nobody ever just listened to them. So they don’t know how listening is an art guys. It really is. You know, it’s like you listen, you just and then you ask the person, what do you need? So, you know, when John and I talk, and he’s had a really rough day, and he’s done, I’ll look at him what do you need? How can I help put a need, you know, and then he’ll be like, Oh, I just wanted to tell you, Okay, you know, and snuggle bunny. Anyway, the point being is, most people just want to be heard. They just want to be validated. They just want to be heard. And that’s really important in any relationship, but it’s especially important in a romantic relationship is being heard the ability to hear and be heard, to absorb information and give back information to communicate clearly, to incorporate emotions in what you are discussing, because those are, that’s who we are. We are emotional beings. We just are unless there’s something really screwy going on.

Okay, um, you don’t feel like you’re on the same team. You often feel alone when you’re with your partner, it can be difficult to find something to talk about together. God, I, you know, John and I, back in the day when we would go cruise cruising because we’d go on cruise ships and stuff. There’ll be so many of these older couples that just hated each other, and you could kind of tell, and they would go eat, and they would sit there and absolute silence. And I’m just like, Wow, that’s crazy. I don’t ever want… Because you know, even though you’re on a cruise, like there’s still plenty to talk about, trust me. You know, I mean, it’s just crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

Okay, um, positive emotions, like love warmth, or emotional bonding feel awkward, or only happen during sex than Houston, there is a huge danger, enormous problem. Because that does impact your relationships. If you’re only being emotional when you’re being physically intimate, then yeah, you probably want to get couples counseling unless caveat, the person is an abuser. glad you mentioned that.

Here’s why you do you not want to go to couples counseling with an abuser. So let’s say that your partner is not just emotionally neglectful. They’re like, not interested in counseling, don’t want you to go etc, etc, etc. And so you decide you’re going to go see a counselor, right? They catch wind of it, because you’ve told them because remember, we overshare, right? They catch wind of it, what do they do? They show up to the counseling session and demand to be seen.

Kris Godinez  34:35

And a good counselor will say, Nope, I’m sorry, this is an individual session, and you need to fill out paperwork, and no, I’m not doing it, you know. And unfortunately, at that point, the abuser will then demand that the clients or the potential client, not go to counseling, etc, etc, etc. Because they don’t want the person to grow. They don’t want them to change. They don’t want them to heal. They don’t want them to get happy. That yeah, nope, they like status quo or they can abuse So you never, ever, ever, ever, not on this or any other planet Earth, want to go to a couple session with an abuser if there is abuse going on in your relationship, physical, mental, emotional, verbal, sexual, religious, etc. Do not go to counseling with them. Go get your own individual counselor and do not love God tell them that you aren’t going. So yeah, there it is. Ah, okay.

Okay, so we’re going to do the questions a wee bit different today because John is Bless his heart trying to get his mom settled into a care facility. So, I am going to quickly see if I can find the questions, and I’m really hoping that you put question in front of it, so I can see it. Oh, dear Lord. Oh, okay. Um, okay.

I have a very good friend who has been seeing a new guy for two years, but he hasn’t confirmed that they’re boyfriend and girlfriend and no sex. This has made my friend become anxious. Any advice? Hmm. she, should you talk to him? You know, what’s, what’s going on? What’s the deal? I would strongly suggest she probably go see a therapist and sort out what she’s thinking what she’s feeling. So, you know, and it’s a friend, you know, I don’t know, can’t tell what’s going on. Don’t have them in front of me. Um, kind of, you know, be be a sympathetic ear, but encourage her to work on self-esteem.

Kris Godinez  36:30

And, you know, if she’s anxious, why, you know, it’s like good relationships take time, which is good. No sex the whole time. Kind of weird. But you know, who knows? So discussions should be had open discussions would be a good thing. Okay.

Um, alright, how to cope with my own thoughts. emotional neglect. That’s not so bad. Get over it. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They’re coming from parental slash cultural minimization of emotional neglect. emotional neglect is just as bad as getting black eyes it is guys it is because it hurts the kids sense of self. So, the way to cope with the minimizing that we do, because we do we all do, all of us have done that. So, it’s not that bad. Oh, at least they didn’t hit me. Oh, you know, bah, bah, bah, we come up with excuses. So, the way to cope with that is to work on self-esteem, self-esteem, self-esteem, self-esteem, self-esteem, you absolutely want to work on your self-esteem. Because people with good self-esteem recognize their worth. There’s a whole section in the Schroll the book, the self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, that is about your worth your value your worth, you have intrinsic value and worth just by existing Hello. But that’s not something that we get from neglectful parents. And when a parent is telling us that we don’t deserve good things, or that we shouldn’t feel this way or whatever, you got to validate your own feelings. So, when you do the mirror work, you’re gonna look at yourself and say, Hi, good to see you have a great day, you know what your feelings are valid, it was real, it happened, it was real, and you have a right to feel. And then walk out. So that’s what you’re going to do, you’re also going to write and burn, you’re going to journal and you’re going to validate yourself, every time you have an emotion validate it, I have a right to feel angry, I have a right to feel sad, I have a right to feel happy, I have a right to feel whatever you’re feeling. So that’s what you’re gonna do.

Okay, the journaling never seems to end you are correct, it is a lifelong thing. Because it’s like peeling the layers of an onion, it is peeling the layers of an onion, you know, it’s kind of like, the way I describe it. It’s like a spring, you know, the spring kind of coils up. So, you may be going over familiar territory, but it’s different. It’s on a different level. And you’re peeling the layers of an onion, you’re just working through all of that stuff. And that’s the sucky thing with having to deal with neglectful parents is that a lot of times we’re not even aware that there’s a problem until we try to have a relationship or until we become adults. And we’re out dealing in the in the outside world. And we see all these people having emotions and having relationships and, you know, being able to discuss things and things like that. We’re like, oh, oh, oh, oh, you know, and then we start working on our family of origin, and realizing, oh, there’s, there’s a lot here that needs to be fixed before I start looking outside and trying to find a partner. So um, yeah, the journaling does go on pretty much a lifetime because you will always if you’re lucky, you’re always going to be discovering new things about yourself, or uncovering things that you would like to work on or uncovering things that you want to do. So, you know, for for me, it’s I had kind of a smack in the face the other night, actually, last night, because I was thinking about, you know, the situation in the world. And I was so angry at Putin that I was like, God, why can’t that mother Clucker just drop dead? And then I went, Oh, Kris. Girl you should be doing the metta meditation. It was like oh, what are you doing? So, I went back to the meta meditation instead of handing my peace over to this jerk that’s causing all this death and suffering. I did the metta meditation, which is you wish yourself freedom from suffering. So basically the metta meditation is May I be May I have peace? May I have freedom from suffering? May I have all that I need food shelter companionship, may I have peace? You do that about five times. And then you move on to a neutral person so may my waitresses have peace. May they have freedom from suffering. May they have all that they need food, shelter, companionship. And then I got to Putin.

Kris Godinez  40:42

Oh my god. It was like so hard to get out of my mouth. But I did it. May Putin had peace. May Putin have freedom from suffering because that’s what’s causing all the problems may have all that he needs food shelter companionship, may Putin have peace. Now, here’s the beautiful thing. I’m not saying may he get away with it. Peace can be anything from he figures it out to he drops dead. You know what I’m saying? So, you know, it’s just instead of hanging on to the anger, you got to just let it go acknowledge it for what it is. Yes, I’m angry. Yes, I have a right to be angry. Yes. I don’t like what I’m seeing happening over there. And here’s what I can do about it. I’ll do a metta meditation. There we go. And now I am letting it go. And that’s hard for us because we have a tendency to oh, I want this change. Now, I mean, honestly, don’t we all. But you know, okay, this is what I can do. This is what I can’t do. So I’m going to do what I can do. There we go. So there that is, okay. Um, let’s see.

Okay, whenever I do something to assert my independence, my father comes unglued. Oh, isn’t that interesting? I fear his coming unglued reaction so much that I have started avoiding doing stuff to just avoid chaos, what do I do? Okay, here’s the deal, you do it anyway, you’ve got to get away from them, the thing of it is, is that they don’t want us to be independent, especially abusive parents that are really getting a lot of narcissistic supply over torturing you, or seeing you stuck or hurting you or harming you or doing whatever. So, um, so what you want to do is you want to get away from them and not share with them what you are doing, you absolutely do not want to share with them your plans, you do not want to share with them your thoughts you do not want to share with them your steps to become independent, because they will sabotage it. They absolutely will by coming unglued, making you wrong, putting you down making fun of it, you know, things like that. So, it’s the hardest thing for us, I think when we’re leaving an abusive family is to not over share, or when we’re leaving an abuser, because oftentimes things will get heated. And we’ll want to hurt them. And so, we’ll you know, tell them, Well, I’m going to leave you Oh, don’t tell them that now they’re going to make sure you can’t. Now they’re going to sabotage your money. Now they’re going to lose their job. Now they’re going to keep track of you. Now they’re going to put a tracking device on you. Now they’re going to you can’t tell them what you’re going to do guys, you can’t it’s going to hurt you. Trust me on that one. So, you want to stop oversharing get with a good therapist, share with a therapist, what you’re going to do. Share with a therapist, have the therapist help you develop an escape plan. Have the therapist help you develop a safety plan, have the therapist get you the social services that you need to get the hell away. But do not for the love of God and all that is holy, share your escape with your abuser, whether that’s your parent or whether that’s your romantic partner or your boss, or anything. So, I just worked recently with some clients that were leaving this incredibly toxic job. And I told him I said, Hey, you know what, it’s right to work state. You don’t technically have to give them two weeks, you could just walk out and they can’t do gently diddly squat about it. So they did.

Kris Godinez  44:11

And it was like the best thing ever because the boss was crazy, you know, and was you know, wanting to punish them and all sorts of stuff. And legally the boss does not have a leg to stand on. So, um, John just told me there’s a there’s an airline in Reno called Aha that’s funny. Um, anyway, uh, so you want to not share your successes with them. You don’t and I know that’s hard because it’s like they’re your parent. And you would think that they would be happy that you’re getting independent that you want to leave that you want to grow that you want to whatever No, they don’t they trust me honey they don’t so you got to stop sharing with them. Get with a good therapist. Share with them, get a safety plan together figure a way to get away from them. That’s what you want to do.

Um I feel like I can’t breathe when I start talking about childhood trauma totally common. Oh my gosh, because we’ve got PTSD guys, we’ve got C PTSD, complex post-traumatic stress disorder. So, it happened over and over and over and over and over again. And so, our amygdala is remember, our amygdala is left side right side, little almond shaped organ that sits about an inch inside of each year, this little guy stupid. It’s our fight flight freeze or fawn center. So, when the amygdala it senses, threats. And the threat can be as simple as talking about the trauma or reliving the trauma or bringing the trauma back up or seeing a trigger hearing a trigger, smelling a trigger tasting a trigger. You know, a trigger happens. This little guy lights up like a Christmas tree tells the hippocampus hypothalamus. Oh my god, we’re in danger again. These two guys tell the body to release cortisol. Cortisol is our stress hormone; we start tensing up. And that cuts off everything here and it makes it really hard to talk. Plus, the fact how many times have our abuser said we don’t air our dirty laundry. We don’t. Don’t you tell anybody about that… Oh, screw that noise? Yeah, no, you you need to shout it from the rooftops. You need to get used to being like, yeah, this happened. Yeah, they did this. Uh huh. I’m not I’m not the secret keeper. Thank you. You know what I’m saying. But they we do that because of all BS messages that we got from our abuser of don’t talk. Don’t tell anybody. It’s the family secret. Yada, yada, yada. You know it just so journaling often helps. Give yourself permission. Hi, good to see you have a great day. It’s okay for you to be heard. It’s okay for you to talk about all this stuff. It’s okay. In fact, it’s necessary. It’s okay. I give you permission to speak. It’s okay. Give yourself permission. Give yourself permission because it was so much non permission.

Kris Godinez  47:05

Okay. Hmm. Did I lose my spot again? Oh my god. Wait a minute, here we go body keeps score is a great book.

How do I convince my wounded inner child that I am the one she should listen to? And not her inner critical parents. Okay. So when the inner critic pops up, you just shut it down. Like seriously? It why cuz you say so. And it’s not going to be one and done, guys. It’s gonna take a few months. Seriously, consistent, consistent work of this thing pops up and goes, Ah, not good enough. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Thank you for your input. Shut the bleep up. Why? Because you say so. You say so. You are You are the boss of this. This is not the boss of you. You know what? I am good enough. Why? Because I say so. I am the boss; I get to love me. I get to love me. I get to I do not have to do what my parents did. You are not doomed to hear your parents in your head the rest of your life. You’re not, you’re just not. So, there is that. So yeah, you start you start giving yourself permission. Every single time the negative comes up, you replace it immediately with the polar opposite. And why? Because you’re the boss. You own this. This does not own you. Practice daily. The other thing you can do, and this is something that Shiraldi also talks about in his book, you write down what your thoughts are. So, in one column, you write down all of the negative nasty inner critic crappy stuff. And in the next column, you challenge it, you know, so let’s say it goes Oh, you’re not enough. Bla, bla, bla. Oh, okay. My inner critic is sick. I’m not enough. Oh, well guess why I am. Why? Because I say so. Have a nice day. Go pound sand. You know what I’m saying? So yeah, you want to do that challenge. Challenge it, challenge it. And why? Because you see, so you are the boss. So, there is that? Um, okay, and you always be gentle with your inner child. Your inner child is terrified. So, remember that it’s it’s you want to comfort you want to heal when it’s okay. Right? Your inner child love letter. Hey, little six-year-old me, you know what you deserve to be heard? I’m really sorry, the dad was just not present enough and was abusive enough to tell you that you weren’t. I apologize. Not, not our fault, kiddo. Not our fault. You deserve to be heard. It’s okay. And oftentimes I tell clients, you know, let’s work with that part of that inner child and they’ll just start bawling because that part of them has never been acknowledged or has never been allowed to speak. So yeah. Really, really, really important.

Um, okay, going through, how do you work through not asking for help? That’s a hard one guys. I had I struggle with that one myself still to this day. So basically, what it is, is when you’re faced with a situation where you probably should ask for help. You kind of have to do a little bit of detective work. It’s like okay, well, do I need to ask for help? Yeah, I Do Oh, I really don’t want to ask for help. And I could feel that in my gut when I said that. So, this is again, this is like the fear center is your gut. So, it’s like, Oh, why do I need to ask for help? Well, what’s happened in the past? I would ask for help, and none would come. And so, I learned to rely on myself alone. So, what you do is you go ahead and you ask for help.

Kris Godinez  50:25

And you kind of work through that fear. And it’s like, okay, well, if they don’t help, I’ll figure it out. You know, so there’s always that backup. You want to self-comfort, self soothe, you know, Hey, it’s okay to ask for help. Hi, have a great day. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay. Trust your gut. It’s Okay. It’s okay to ask for help. And so a lot of times there’s that. No, it’s not. No, it’s not. Okay. Take a deep breath. What happened when you asked for help? When you were a kid? Oh, mom or dad did the polar opposite. Do your mom or dad go pound sand! I’m going to ask for help. Guess why? Because I want to be a full human being Thank you. Trot it out to the barbecue Burnet, that kind of thing. So, it takes time. It takes time, and you’re not being a burden. And we’ve all gotten that. Everyone that’s been raised by a narcissist by an abuser, Cluster B, they have all gotten the you’re a burden thing. And that’s because who’s the real burden? The abuser? The abusers, the real burden, the abusers, the one you have to walk on eggshells around the abusers, the one that makes you shut yourself down and shut up and not speak. That’s a burden. You know, in a healthy family. There’s freedom. There’s freedom. So yeah, so you just start reminding yourself, you have a right you have a right to be heard. You have a right to ask for help. And scary. Yeah, because you probably feel pretty young. When you’re contemplating asking for help. I know that’s where I go because that’s where I got shut down. So, you just comfort that inner one and a little inner one. And then you just keep doing what you need to do to ask for help. If none is coming, okay, I need to find something else different or I need to ask a different person. Or maybe I need to do it for myself. I’m not sure but I’m really proud of myself for actually asking for help. There you go. It’s hard guys. It is and it’s it’s lifelong. This this is not a one and done guys. It’s it’s a lifelong journey.

Okay, how to break the trauma bonds with narc parents. It disgusts me how I’m always worried about them, but they just don’t give a damn about me ever. I want the cycle to end for good, okay, so parents are going to abusive parents are going to continue that trauma bond as long as they can. So, you’re gonna have to get away from them, you’re gonna have to stop playing their games. So, the trauma bond happens when the abuser does the I love you, I love you, I love you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I love you. Hate you, love you ,hate you. And then we start living for those times when they’re good, or they’re normal, or they’re happy or bearable, or whatever. So, what I did honest to God, and if you read my book, where is it, I put it over here somewhere what’s wrong with your dad, I moved as far away from them as I possibly could. So, at first, I moved from one end of California to the other. And then John and I got together and then we moved up to Oregon. And then we moved to Arizona, and we stayed the heck away. Because we knew that if we were close to either one of our families, it would be a drama cluster. Cluck, you know what I’m saying? Because they need that they need drama, and they need control and they need manipulation the way the rest of us need air, you know, and healthy normal, people don’t want that, ain’t nobody got time for that. If this world is so big and so beautiful, there’s so many awesome things to be doing, you don’t have time to be trauma bonded to an abuser. So basically, I did stay in touch with them. But it was incredibly low contact. I would call once a month, you know, and I would leave it at that. At least with my dad. It was like once a month with my mom, I called more often. But um, yeah, with my dad, it was like once a month, and you know, arm’s length. And there we go. And I knew what to expect. And I was working with a therapist at the time, Fabian Smith up in Oregon, and yeah, and I knew that my dad was never going to change never going to get better. And that the best way to go was low to no contact, I decided for low contact. And so that’s what you want to do. And you just want to stay the hell away.

And you don’t have to move across country. That was a choice that I did just because I like to travel. And I like living in new places. So, but what you can do is if you live in the same town, you decide when you want to see them and if you want to see them, you go with your guard up knowing that they’re going to do those intermittent positive rewards, and you decide how soon you want to leave. So, you don’t have to go at all period, and you don’t have to stay so let’s say They’re constantly inviting you over right will come over, come over, come over, be busy. Be busy you’re an adult most adults that I know have got a life and they’ve got things to do. But you know abusive parents are always expecting their kids to drop everything for them. Don’t you do it you’ve got a life nope sorry I’ve got plans that weekend. nope sorry I can’t come over I’ve got plans yeah and then you do it like once a month you know if you feel the need to keep the connection, I don’t know why you would but you know if you feel the need to keep the connection then you limit it, limit it, limit it you are under no obligation to go spend time with them. So, remember fear obligation and guilt fog you don’t want that you don’t want to be suffering from the fog so and because that keeps you hooked into that trauma bonding so part of the way to break the trauma bonding is to not be around them limit your contact with them go low contact go no contact get with a damn good trauma therapist start working on what keeps you hooked. What are you hoping for? What is the little kid inside hoping for? You want to work on the inner child workbook by Katherine Taylor you want to work on the self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi boundaries the disease to please by Harriet breaker. All right, my love’s you guys go have a great week. Take good care yourselves. Drink plenty of water and talk to you later.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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The post 04-03-2022 How to heal from Emotional Neglect appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Kris Godinez 00:02

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Okay, yeah, imposter syndrome. Let’s talk about that. So, um, imposter syndrome, where does it come from? First of all, let’s define what imposter syndrome kind of is. So, imposter syndrome is when you sit there and go, Oh, I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m a fraud, they’re going to find me out. I’m going to, I’m going to be exposed for not knowing what I know, you know, etc, etc, etc. It’s like you don’t trust yourself. It’s like self-doubt on steroids. On crack. On meth. Yeah, like all three, you know, it’s really bad. It’s, it’s bad. So it’s that sense of not trusting yourself thinking that other people know better or more or are what’s the word I’m looking for… more better, they’re more better than you are. Oh, God, the grammar just left. So they’re, they’re better. They’re, they’re smarter, they’re, they’re this, they’re that and you don’t trust your own knowledge and your own ability and your own way of being, etc, etc, etc. Now. So where does this come from? Well, no surprise to those of us who lived with abusers. Let’s start with the family of origin.

Kris Godinez 02:15

Family of Origin, it always goes back to the family of origin. If it’s not the family of origin, then it is the romantic relationship. If it’s not the romantic relationship, it’s toxic friends, if it’s not toxic friends, it’s the bully bosses. Holy cat, we’re gonna cover all of it. Okay. All right. So family of origin. So family of origin, if we had a family that put us into competition with everybody, so they would judge us against siblings, they would judge us against our peers, they would judge us against… fill in the blank. And we always came up lacking. What a surprise because that’s what abusive families do hang on a second. Family of Origin always in competition, always in competition, always comparing, always comparing, always comparing, that sets up imposter syndrome. Because if you’ve got parents alleged, if not proven, in name only that are saying things like you know, oh, well, you know, (pat, pat, pat) you did okay, but Billy did better. Or why can’t you be more like your big brother? Or your big sister? Oh, God, I hate it. When I hear parents do that you know what I’m saying? So that sets up that doubt in the kid because now the converse, the flip side of that is you also don’t want to have parents that do the whole Oh, my little chi, chi, you are perfect. You never make a mistake. You are great in everything. You are the best at everything. No, because that also sets up imposter syndrome. So balance, guys, healthy parents have got balance, and they’re able to tell their kids when they do good. And they’re also able to tell their kids when they need to improve, but it’s not. What’s the word I’m looking for. So bad parenting, abusive parenting is that nasty. Comparing hypercritical. I think we touched on this last week, the inability to give constructive criticism, their criticism is always personal and it is always left wanting we are always wanting, we are always less than we are always not good enough. We are always…do you see where I’m going without so that comes from the family of origin. So the family of origin is very important in the kids developmental stages. So remember between zero and two is hugely important, which is why when there was all the adoptions going on from Romania back in the 80s, something like that there were so many children with attachment disorders because they were shoved into cribs and ignored from zero to two, zero to four, zero to 10. Yeah, so those developmental years are extremely important. The entire developmental years are extremely important. So if you have a family that is constantly comparing, constantly criticizing constantly putting down, and constantly gaslighting constantly lying to you. So for example, every family does what we do, every family does this, you don’t see the pink elephant in the corner of the living room, there is no pink elephant. And if you see the pink elephant, I’m going to beat it out of you. How many of us went through that? Oh, raise your hand. You know what I’m saying? So we all did, or most of us did, or a lot of us did. Anyway, the point being is, is that that imposter syndrome comes from constantly having the rug ripped out from underneath you by the family of origin originally, okay? So the line the gaslighting the rewriting history and telling you that you you know that this is normal that beating children is normal that screaming at Kids is normal that you know having affairs as normal that you know, you need to cover up for mom and dad is normal that you know that stuff that rips reality out from underneath you and that creates imposter syndrome. The other thing that these are Jack wagons, I really wish I could swear you have no idea. The other thing that these Jack wagons do is that they, they take credit. So you do something, you do something amazing, you write a fantastic, you know thesis or you do well in your career, or you do some sort of acting gig or a singing gig or whatever. And guess who takes credit for it? They never give it to the person who’s actually doing it. They take the credit for oh I, I, I, I, taught them,

Kris Godinez 06:28

I did this, I did that, you know, and it’s never Yeah, my kids did great, I’m really proud of them. It’s never that they always take credit for it. So it’s kind of like you do all the hard work. And I think you can see where I’m going with this when we get into co-workers and bosses that you do all the hard work, and they take the credit for it. And you never get the accolades or the validation, validation, that you need, and kids need validation, kids need accurate reflections back of who they are. And when you have a parental unit or two, that is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. It’s a funhouse mirror. It’s not an accurate reflection of who you are. And so you don’t know who you are, and you don’t trust that you know what you know. So there’s the foundation for it.

Now, let’s move into a romantic relationship with one of these people. So these abusers cannot stand it when anybody shines, or anybody outshines them, or anybody does something that they haven’t done, or, or, you know, whatever. So they’ll do one or two things, they’ll either start mocking and making fun of what you’re doing, to cause you to give it up, because I’ve seen that happen too. Or they will try to take it over and outdo you. So say, for example, you like to paint, they’ll suddenly decide that they’re the painter in the family and that they need to go do you know, a show at a coffee house or whatever, or, you know, or whatever, they’ll take it over. So you’re a writer, they suddenly you’re the writer, you’re an actor, they’re suddenly the actor or the director, you know, it’s like, I’ll do you one better, and I’ll become a director, what I really want to do is direct…. I never understood that. Anyway, the point being, herding actors is like herding cats. Um, so anyway, the point being is they try to outdo you, they try to outdo, they try to one-up you. And they try to devalue you and tell you that you’re not good enough and that they’re way better. I’ve seen them do that, as well. That happens with parents,  even happens with romantic partners. So with a an abusive, romantic partner, if you’re out doing them, they’ve got to cut you down to size in their crazy heads. So they will devalue discard, you know, criticize, criticize, criticize, nasty, vicious, oh, well, you know, it’s not as good as so and so, you know, it’s similar to the parental stuff that I was talking about. Now, it’s worse because, you know, this is a romantic relationship. And this person should be your partner. Huge support, they need to be supportive. They do, you know, they can be honest and be like, let me just give you some constructive criticism. That’s helpful. That’s great. But if they’re doing the whole, you know, personal attacks, and just criticizing for the sake of criticizing, lying, gaslighting, history rewriting, you know, etc, etc, etc, putting you down all the time, no support not showing up to your shows not showing up to your stuff that you’re doing not being supportive… huge red flag. Oh, my God, huge, huge red flag. So, imposter syndrome comes from the drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip of the criticism, the comparing the competition, the lying the gaslighting, the, the erasing history, the rewriting history, all of that starts creating imposter syndrome. And then we start feeling like we don’t know what we’re talking about, or that we don’t really know what we’re doing, or that we should give credit to somebody else or whatever fill in the blank. So imposter syndrome is that is the inner critic.

Kris Godinez 10:18

Long story short, it’s the inner critic, it really truly is. But it’s, it’s, it’s another facet of the inner critic. It’s, it’s like, it’s, what’s the word I’m looking for? It is the subtour. It is the seven tour and it pops up. Mostly, when you’re doing something outside of the comfort zone of the family of origin or outside of the comfort zone of the abuser, or outside of the comfort zone of what you’ve been told you can and cannot do. So let’s be very clear about that.

So let’s say that your family has said, Oh, no, you can’t become a doctor because you’re a girl. Or you can’t become a pilot, because you’re a different race, or you’re different. And they do, they will try to put you down no matter how they can. Okay, so that’s usually the using the race and the and the sex is usually from romantic partners, they will do that they will use anything they can to keep you down, they will. And so they’ll say, oh, you can’t do that. Because you’re this race, or you’re this sex or you’re this old. You know, you can’t do that. Because you’re too old. You can’t do this because da, da, da, da, da. So basically what you need to do to anybody who tells you, you can’t do something because you’re a different race or your age, or you’re a woman or you’re a man, they sometimes use that with men that want to go into traditionally female careers, which just blows my mind. I’m just like, Ah, hello. Welcome to the 2020s here, guys, what the frick? So they do that. And they try to put you into neat little boxes. And when you step out of those boxes, they come unfreaking hinged because you’re not playing their game. You’re not believing their bs, and it’s not really boundaries, it’s boxes, they want to put you into a neat little box.

So let me give you a personal example. And I’ve talked about this before, my dad was so ageist So sexist, so racist, so everything he was just a nightmare. And he would constantly tell me, I was a cute one, not the smart one, and that I was too dumb, basically, to go to college, which did he sabotage it he tried, he tried to keep me from graduating, I graduated. You know, when I got my master’s degree, I told no one in my family except for my sisters because I was like, don’t trust any of you mother cluckers.  Got my master’s degree opened my own business the whole thing. The whole time. I was doing that. I was working with a therapist. Why? Imposter syndrome! Thanks, Dad. Yeah, anyway. Yeah, because he gave me this whole list of Don’t you dare Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare be smart. Don’t you dare be successful. Don’t you dare do this. Don’t you dare do that. Don’t you dare Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare. And that’s what abusers do is they want to put us in this nice little box that we can never escape from and that we believe their BS, basically. So when I wrote my first book, okay, which was What’s wrong with your dad? First of all, I broke so many rules, family rules, you know, don’t air the dirty laundry. Don’t tell anybody. Don’t you know, every family acts like the Oh, yeah. Watch this. Click, click, click, click like, you know, so when I first wrote that book, I remember telling Jack Hayworth, who’s a friend of mine, he’s awesome. And I told him, I said, Dude, I hope it fails. He said What? I said, I’m okay with failure. I know what failure looks like, I know how to cope with that. I’m not so sure I know how to cope with success. And I was terrified and when it did well, and when I did the show, and when things started going, I was like, you know, panic attack because it was like, oh my god, I’m going against all of the what’s the word I’m looking for? All of the lies all of the boxes, all of the BS that my abuser shoved into my head which was your female you can’t be successful. You’re too old. You’re too stupid. You’re too this you’re too that… da, da, da, da, da. And I went against all of it. And no, and I published and then I published another one and then I published it other one and now I’m publishing a fourth one here soon.

Yeah, so basically when you go up against that, that basic assumption, that’s the word I was looking for. The basic assumption so the basic assumption is generally unhealthy. The basic assumption that we get from abusers is you’re not good enough. You’re gonna fail. It’s not okay. How dare you How dare you be seen! How dare you be heard! And most importantly… How dare you be believed! Holy crap! Do you see where I’m going with that? So, you go up against all of those basic assumptions that got shoved into our heads and you start busting out of that box… You betcha that inner critic is going to go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, and it’s going to be like, Oh my God, how dare you, you can’t do that. You can’t do that you need to stop blah, blah, blah, it’s gonna be terrible. You’re fake. You’re a fraud. You’re this You’re that bla bla bla bla, thank you for your input. Shut the bleep up. Why? Because I say so. Thanks for playing, go pound sand by, you know what I’m saying. So that is essentially what is happening is that inner critic just blows up because we are coming out of those basic assumptions that we got from our abusive family or our abusive, romantic partner, or we get into an office worker situation, and somebody’s always taking credit for what we do. Funny. Been there, done that, yeah, or we get a boss that’s a bully. How many of us have had bosses that were bullies? Oh my sweet baby Jesus? Yes. So we have all of that stuff, reinforcing all of that negative stuff from the family of origin. And that’s where we get that imposter syndrome. Oh, my God, I’m not good enough. Oh, my God, I’m a fake. Oh, my God, I’m a fraud. Oh, my God, I’d rather fail. Oh, my God, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. Yes.

So basically, it boils down to self-esteem. No surprise, self-esteem, it is self-esteem and working on the mistaken thoughts and the mistaken beliefs that we got from our abuser because if their lips were moving, they were lying. And they still are. And they will be until the day that they are put six feet underground and probably beyond. So there you go, you know what I’m saying. So the basic assumption is a bunch of lies, that got shoved in your head, about who you are, how we are, where we are, what we can talk about, what we can’t talk about, how we can be, how can we not be, etc, etc, etc. So it is working on again, the trauma from having been either raised in a family of origin that was just completely abusive, verbally, physically, mentally, emotionally, religiously, or whatever, or going into an abusive relationship where they did the same thing or similar, or they do that and you haven’t had that happen before. And now that completely messed your world up and put an egg beater in your head and screwed everything up, up there.

So or you get into a boss situation that’s abusive, that’s taking credit for everything that you do, or coworkers when it’s a bully situation, or whatever, and that reinforces whatever else is going on. Basically, it boils down to self-esteem.

So I pulled up a whole bunch of scholarly articles and other articles from Psychology Today. So quickly, I want to go over those. So this one is by… let me find, okay, this is called a new way to address imposter syndrome. It starts with integration of immunity change and schema therapy. So this one is advocating schema therapy, which I think is great. This was written on January 26, 2022, by Sebastian Selaku. So he talks about okay, the solution. Immunity to Change is learning is a learning process developed by the Harvard University Graduate School of Education faculty, Robert Keegan, and Lisa Lahey, informed by 30 years of research on adult development, so Immunity to Change that is the name of the modality. So it’s basically teaching you how to be able to change, grow, adapt, etc. Um, it’s designed to protect individuals from the negative consequences of personal change. And this think about it… shame. They love to shove shame into our head. Disappointment, they love to make us feel like disappointment is somehow bad, wrong, or whatever. Yeah, you’re going to be disappointed things are not always going to go your way. If I quit at my first disappointment, I would not be here. What I basically did is oh, crap, that didn’t work. Okay, well, what can I do differently, right? Oh, okay, dust myself off, get back up on the horse. Keep riding. You know what I’m saying? So, yeah, so narcissists, parents and narcissistic partners, narcissistic bosses. They all try to shove perfectionism and neuroses into our heads. So we oftentimes suffer from No, it can’t change. No, it has to be this way. No, it has to be this way. And so we get very stuck in this very rigid way of thinking now think about it. abusers are rigid thinking splitting, black, white, good, bad, all nothing. Okay. So they don’t have that fluidity to kind of roll with the punches or roll with whatever changes. So that teaches us as kids to be very rigid, and no, no, don’t like change. Oh, my God. Oh, well, you know, here’s the There’s two constants in life change and taxes. You don’t have to like either one of them, but they’re gonna happen. So you know, it’s it’s you got to get that ability to have flexibility. And to stop with the perfection. The analysis paralysis keeps some of the most brilliant minds from moving forward. And and I think it’s on purpose, you know, when a kid is super intelligent, and they’re really good at something, and then the parent starts doing not good enough, not good enough has to be perfect has to be perfect, has to be perfect. That kid then gets stuck in Oh, no, I can’t release it, because I can’t turn it loose. Because, you know, it has to be perfect. And so then they never do anything because they’re stuck in that analysis paralysis. And I think it’s intentional. I do because the abuser does not want you to succeed. There we go. So yeah, so schema therapy is a great way to deal with that the immunity to change. You know, it’s that’s something to really think about.

Kris Godinez 21:01

In short, the new approach works because it uncovers the processing of information that escapes mental consciousness, so that schema therapy, fully unpacks and deconstructs and disables the immune system that maintains your imposter syndrome by unlocking your unique life trap combination codes. So that’s the immunity to change. So that is something to look into.

The other thing I wanted to talk about too, is EMDR. So that was Bessel. Vander Kolk, was a huge proponent of EMDR. He was like, this is a great modality for trauma, I strongly recommend it now some people love it. Some people hate it, some people works with, some people, it doesn’t. Again, you’re going to have to kind of explore and figure out what works for you. I recommend doing EMDR in combination with talk therapy of some sort DBT CBT something because EMDR is great, but then there are some things that you do need to process. cerebrally. So yeah. Okay, so that was on psychology today.

This one also is on psychology today. This is Do you sometimes feel like a fraud and this is by F Diane Barth licensed social worker. Okay, and here’s what I loved and she’s like, here’s how to cope with it recognize that you are not alone. This affects men and women, not just women it was it’s affects men as well especially if they got the whole you know, not good enough not good enough, not good enough. Pay attention to your actual successes.

So you know how I always say write down what they did to us so you can remember so that when they do the the hoovering that you’re not like oh rose-colored glasses primrose path to hell, let’s go drop down there. No, no, you do the writing down of that so you can remember so that you don’t take that path now. With imposter syndrome. You write down all your successes to remind yourself yeah, I did this, I did this, I did. This is just like when I talk about the self-esteem work. So the mirror work so at night, so in the Okay, sorry, back up! Alright. And in the morning, I always say, create yourself, you know, hi, good to see you have a great day, I give you permission to draw boundaries and then walk out, right. But then at night, I strongly recommend that you also end the day you do like bookends, you end the day by reminding yourself of three things you did right that day. Why? Because our abusers never remind us of what we did. Right? They love, love to just take our nose and rub our nose in everything we did wrong, real or imagined. Mostly imagined. So it’s really important for you to reparent yourself and remind yourself three things you did right every day every damn day. Make it a habit. So in the morning, you’re setting the intention in the evening you’re putting that nice little bookend Hey Good to see you again. Here are three things you did right today you did this right, you did this right, you did this right go sleep well. Have a wonderful night’s sleep dream happy wonderful dreams travel, travel on the astral have fun, and then go to bed. Okay, you’re setting the intention for sleeping because a lot of us have got sleep problems raise your hand if you have sleep problems. Yep. So yeah, we all do um, especially coming out of an abusive relationship or when something traumatic happens in the world like oh, I don’t know you know possible world war three. So do you see where I’m going with that? So you set the intention for the night you know I did this right, I did this right, I did this right. It’s great to see me I love you sleep well. How happy dreams let the world go have happy dreams and then go to bed.

Kris Godinez 24:50

So does that make sense? So yeah, so this is why it’s important to do that bookend of what did you do right? Remind yourself what you did wrong. A good parent, always tell kids what they did right?

Spending time in Alaska with my nephew and his wife and the two kids was phenomenal because Vernon and Megan always do this thing where they go at the dinner table. It’s like, what was the best part of the day? What was the worst part of the day? What would you like to do again? You know, what are you proud of yourself for? You know, it’s a great thing that everybody you know, they go around the table, everybody says something, everybody answers the question. It’s really wonderful. And that’s what good parents do. Bad parents don’t care, bad parents are too busy. Go away kid, I’m too busy. I you know, and then, or, Oh, you’re such a bad kid. Bla, bla, bla. You know, it’s like what, you know, how you speak to your children becomes their inner dialogue seriously. So yeah, anyway, okay.

So, back to, okay. Okay. Pay attention to your actual successes, write them down, say them out loud. Ask for help. So, a trauma response is not asking for help, because we have learned early on. You know, I remember clearly walking up to my dad and saying, Dad, I have a problem. And he looked at me he was so angry. Because he was angry all the time. He was an alcoholic and an opiate addict. He looked at me and he was like, I have my own problems kid go away. So Oh, okay. Thanks, dad. Now I know I cannot rely on you, you jackwagon Do you see where I’m going with that? So we learn quickly not to ask for help, because we know none is coming. So it’s kind of like, oh, okay, pulling up my own bootstraps, and I’ll figure it out myself. Thanks. When I say thanks. What I mean is go pound sand. So you know what I’m saying? So we learn quickly not to ask for help. But but healthy, healthy, healthy adults. will say yes, let’s get you some help. Yes. Let’s figure this out. Yes, let’s, okay, what is your problem? What do you need? What? How can I help you? You know, not not the codependent kind of thing. But like a healthy parent would have said, Oh, my gosh, on what’s going on, you know, and at least have been curious. He wasn’t even curious. He didn’t care. It wasn’t about him. You know what I’m saying? So you, we learn not to ask for help. So that’s a trauma response. So it’s really important when you are suffering when you are having imposter syndrome. Go get help. And that’s what I did. You know, you go get your own therapist, you go get, you know, a sounding board, you go work on self-esteem because all comes from lack of self-esteem. It really truly does. Okay, hold on, how are we doing? Ah, I’m going over sorry, I will get to the questions, asked for help.

Okay, um, check out your goals? Are they realistic? What do you want to achieve? Are you trying to impress someone in your family? Never a good idea. Because especially if they’re disordered, it’s never going to happen? Do you have a mentor that you’re afraid of letting down work on these issues? You know, it’s not about the other people it is about you? Did you set some goals for yourself when you were younger, that you’re trying to attain to take some time to revisit these goals? What would it mean, if your dad wasn’t impressed with that? With what you would accomplish? How disappointed would that mentor be? And what if you don’t meet a goal you established when you were younger and maybe more naive? Will you not be a good person? Yeah, because we often get that well, if you don’t do this, you’re not a good person. You’re not good enough, bla bla bla, will you not be happy? And so remember, the reason our abusers do these impossible goals and these impossible comparisons, is because they’re not happy and God forbid we should be. Nothing pisses off an abuser more than to see somebody who is genuinely happy and having a good time and enjoying themselves. How dare they, you know, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had narcissists. Literally yell at me because my laugh was too loud. Or you know, I’m sure inappropriate your da, da, da, da, da. It’s like really because the world is kind of absurd right now. I’d rather laugh than cry. Thank you have a nice day, go pound sand, do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, abusers hate laughter runs from laughter. Devil runs from laughter, so, anyway, um, so okay. So there is that okay, um, okay.

So, this is also from Psychology Today, this is Mark traverse PhD, this is how to overcome imposter syndrome.

Kris Godinez 29:12

So the tendency to doubt one’s abilities and be afraid of failure, even when failure would could be professionally enriching. So I think what I’m going to suggest for overcoming the imposter syndrome is to get with a good trauma therapist. Number one, find a good trauma therapist. Start working on self-esteem. Start doing the mirror work daily, morning and evening, morning and evening, morning and evening. Do it daily. Start writing down your successes and start calling out, start challenging the BS messages you got from mom, dad, grandparents, teachers, whoever tried to make you feel that you were not good enough. That was intentional on their part. It totally was. So writing down all the good stuff.

Um, oh, that was another thing. Procrastination. So we tend to procrastinate when we have imposter syndrome because we’re afraid it’s all fear-based. Procrastination is a form of power and control because nobody can make us do it. You know, like, I’ll do it when I want to. I do what I want, you know, that kind of thing. So procrastination is a form of self-sabotage. So really take a look at how much do you procrastinate and why. What’s going on? What are you trying to avoid? What are you afraid of what’s happening, get with a good trauma therapist and start working through all of these little self-sabotaging kind of things. Okay, so there’s that hang on.

Um, alienation a feeling of loneliness or isolation from oneself. So this is where the self-esteem work. The CPTSD from surviving to thriving, super important. Putting the BS back where it belongs, putting the mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs, all the things that were them, remember, they project. So if they’re losers, they’re going to project that you’re a loser. You’re not, you’re not, they are. So you put it back on them, and you do not accept their story. Because they’re trying to make their story, your story. So you write and burn those letters. You get rid of the stuff that’s not real or true to your dad. Guess what? I own my own business. I have this YouTube channel I’ve written I’m writing the fourth book. Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep you you did evil, go pound sand, have a nice afterlife, whatever, and then trot it out to the barbecue and burn it. To have some humor about it. Not everything is super serious guys, you can have humor about this. You can and anybody who tells you you can’t is probably disordered. All right, so let’s see. Um, all right. Okay, so there was that one? Let me get rid of that.

Okay, family dynamics, obviously is a cause of it. Comparison is a huge cause of it. They talk about parents comparing, and all of that stuff. Okay. And then there is on brill, Brill.com, dealing with imposter syndrome. This is by Judy Robertson, and she talks about do you feel like a fraud? And then she talks about the high pressure of academia, you know, did the parents put this ridiculous amount of pressure on the kids to be perfect, or, you know, make them look good, or whatever, and then that translates into the work environment. So that one specifically is about the work environment, she offers some really good suggestions with that. Okay, sorry, I’ve gone way over, but I thought this was a really interesting topic. Okay, let’s get to the questions. Okay.

What to do if imposter syndrome comes up in a high-pressure moment, and usually does so, to be clear, imposter syndrome usually doesn’t poke its head up until it’s a high-pressure moment, you know, like, you’re going to be on the spot you’re going to be performing, you’re going to be presenting, you’re going to be you know, whatever. For instance, during a presentation, you start hearing the critical voice. So what you’re going to do, you’re going to take a moment, you’re going to take a moment, you’re going to have a glass of water or something next to you, just like I talked about in court, right? So if you have to give testimony, you have the water and when you take that sip of water, you’re going to say I know what I’m doing. Thank you, go pound sand! I know what I’m doing. And you just do that to yourself. You just you don’t say it out loud, obviously because microphone, but um, you just take that sip of water and you I know what I’m doing. It’s okay, thank you, critic. Go pound sand, you know, and then start your presentation. So yeah, especially if you hadn’t really worked on the the family of origin stuff if you haven’t worked on the trauma if you’re not aware of the game playing the inner critic does. Yeah, you’re going to be in a high-pressure situation all of a sudden it’s gonna pop up and you’re just going to have to be like, I hear you I see you the thought stopping I hear you I see you not today Satan Have a nice life. Go pound sand buh bye. I’ll deal with you later at home. Buh bye go play in traffic. Goodbye.

Kris Godinez 34:10

Do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, it is gonna pop up. And it usually is in high pressure situations. So I remember when I first started this whole whole, this whole journey, when I was doing the radio show back on a little AM station here in Phoenix. And I was terrified the first time that my co-host couldn’t be there because I was like, What do you mean, I have to do the show by myself. I don’t know what I’m doing. What do you mean, you know, so it was really terrifying. And yes, that inner critic popped up like nobody’s business but I did it, you know, and then I realized, wait a minute, I do know what I’m doing. I don’t necessarily need another person there. Thank you very much. So you know what I’m saying so that it just experience experience brings confidence it does. It also shows you where to work on so if it pops up during present That’s your clue. Oh, I got some more work to do. I got some more self-esteem work to do. I’ve got some more boundaries to do. I’ve got some more CPTSD from surviving to thriving work to do I got to put this back with the abuser. This is not even mine. This fear is not even mine. That’s theirs, you know? So it’s just look at everything as an opportunity to work on yourself. It’s like, what is it showing you? What is it teaching? Why is it popping up now? Oh, isn’t that interesting? You get to be competent, you get to know what you know, who doesn’t want you to know what you know? Hmm, might be time to write them a go-pound sand letter, you know, and work it through with a therapist. Really, really important. Okay.

Um, why would my narc mom want to be in competition with me? It was so bad. She was trying to seduce my boyfriend. Oh, that is so common. Oh, good Lord, it is so common. So narcissists are always in competition with everybody and especially their own children. And yes, they will try to seduce boyfriends they’ll try to seduce girlfriends, they’ll because in their sick and twisted little mind, remember their their emotional development is maybe, maybe on a good day, if the wind is blowing in the right direction that of a two-year-old. Seriously. So they are in competition with everybody. And they view life as a piece of pie. Instead of infinite. You know, it’s like there’s 7 billion people on the face of this planet, y’all got enough love for every single one of them. So maybe not Putin, but that’s another issue. Anyway, the point being is, is that they view life as finite, they view it as Oh, there’s only so much for each person. And if you take that, then you’re you’re taking away from me. That’s literally how they look at things. How old are they? Oh, my God, not very old. And so they view your being with somebody as a threat. And so they’ve got to prove that they are the most handsome, most beautiful, most seductive, most this most, that most whatever. And they have to have that attention. Otherwise, it feels to them. Because they’re crazy. Like it’s taking away from the pie that they’re gonna miss out on that piece of the pie. You know what I’m saying? As opposed to 7 billion people on this planet, you can love them all. Thank you very much. Thanks for playing goodbye. You know what I’m saying? So they can’t understand that. They’re not. They don’t feel the way we feel. Let’s just go back to that. They don’t have empathy. It’s very, it’s a very emotionally immature way of thinking. And it is very black, white, good, bad, all nothing. Okay, splitting. And that’s why they’re in competition because they have to be the best, the smartest, the sexiest, the most seductive the whatever. And they’re terrified of aging, too. Oh, dear God. So yeah. Um, so I hope that answered the question. Yeah, they absolutely do do that. And the best way to deal with a parent that is doing that is to simply not be around them. Or if you feel the need to introduce your boyfriend, girlfriend to your family, you warn them ahead of time. So like with John, bless his heart. We went out to dinner. And this was when I was still drinking, and I got wasted and I told him, everything, like literally everything because I was like, okay, dude, here. Here it is. This is the family you’re marrying into. God bless. Good luck. You might want to wear garlic, you know, I mean, I told him everything. And so he was kind of prepared. When he did meet my family, and my mom was inappropriate. And my dad was telling racially inappropriate jokes. And, you know, it just, I’m sitting there kicking the backseat of my dad’s car, like, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, you know, and I’m just like, do you want me to be an old maid? What are you doing? And John bless his heart? He was like, well, they’re kind of interesting. They’re now you know. Like, oh, you have a sense of humor. Oh, this is good.

Kris Godinez 39:10

So yeah, so basically, you You stay away from the family, if you can, if you feel the need to introduce I seriously advocate for telling the truth. Like, look, my family’s crazy. I don’t recommend getting drunk. That was when I was still drinking, but, you know, tell them the truth. Tell them everything so that they’re not shocked and explain it to them. And if they leave, then they’re not the right person for you, basically. So can you know because it’s kind of like they need to be prepared because if you take a boyfriend or girlfriend home and then mom or dad or both are hitting on them, it’s going to be really awkward and weird, but if they kind of know about it ahead of time, they’re kind of got to be like, Oh, I see this. Okay, got it. All right, cool. Look at the time, gotta go, you know, they’ll help you hopefully get out of it. So, huh? Anyway, There is that.

Um, in regards to write and burning letters because I have a hard time letting go, because that’s what the abuser was dismissive and forgot. Oh, oh, okay. So it’s a fine line. So abuse is not always the verbally always on you kind of thing. Sometimes the abuse is the neglectful dismissive, not paying attention doesn’t care ignoring. Oh, dear God, you know, it’s a thing. So what you want to do with that, I still think writing the letter would be good. But you also have to remember you cannot make them be healthy or normal, you cannot make them. You know, whatever. And sometimes we hang on to those letters are we hang on to the anger in a misguided and very young way of trying to fix them, or change them. And I know for me, that’s what I discovered I was doing with my dad after he died.

So after he died, you know, my therapist was just like, you gotta let him go. You’re keeping angry at him because you’re still trying to fix him. I was like, No, I’m damn it. Looks like she got me. You know? And yeah, it’s true. I was, it’s like, there was that part of me that was like, I’m gonna fix him. I’m gonna fix them. I’m gonna, I’m gonna make him right. I’m gonna make him okay. No, not mothercluckers Dad, I can’t do jack diddly squat. It’s up to the higher powers now, you know.

So you just kind of got to let that stuff go. Because it says nothing about you. Nothing. If they were dismissive. If they neglected it, they ignored if they didn’t validate they’re cuckoo, they are the problem, not us, not you, you’re not the problem. They are because they are the ones that did the whole, neglecting, ignoring, not validating, etc, etc, etc. They’re the problem. That’s not normal. That’s a normal, healthy parent, a normal healthy parent is involved and talking and with you, which is why I want you to do the mirror work morning and night because you’re re-parenting yourself the way you wished you’d always been spoken to validate, validate, validate, love yourself, love yourself, talk to yourself. Hi, good to see you have a great day. You know what? I give you permission to be heard. I give you permission to be seen. I give you permission to be validated and then walk out because that’s what you’re looking for. So become your own parent. I know. And it’s not fair, is it? It really isn’t. It is not fair. But you know, it is the way it is. We got the cards we got dealt with. Let’s make the best of it. So the best of it is to reparent ourselves. Do not give your power over to your abuser. Do not hang on to them. Let them go, just let them go. You can’t fix them because you didn’t break them. The only person that can fix them is them and they’re unlikely to do that. So there that is yeah, I totally get it though. It’s the neglect in the in the ignoring you that.

Um, okay, what if there’s praise in the mix alternating with the rest? So I always call that damning with faint praise. damning with faint praise. And that is what abusers do. And my dad was an expert at that. So yeah, they’ll give like this. It sounds like praise. But then there’s this nasty nonconstructive criticism thrown in, which basically say it with me invalidates whatever praise there was because it wasn’t real in the first place because they don’t praise. So yeah, it’s damning with faint praise is what I call it. So when somebody does that, I’m already wiping my hands, I’m like, Oh, damn spot out. I say, oh, yeah, it’s like, nope. Thank you. You’ve shown me who you are. You show me how you really think. Thanks for playing, go pound sand.

Kris Godinez 43:55

Especially with bosses, co-workers, anybody that does that damning with faint praise? No, they show you who they are. Believe them the first time. Absolutely. And yeah, they do that and it’s on purpose absofreakinglutely.

Um, I have memory issues after so many years of abuse, and I’m wondering if it gets better with time? It can Yeah, it does. Usually, um, PTSD. One of the hallmarks of PTSD is not being able to remember key events of the trauma. If there was a lot of trauma. You know, like I said, I get some clients that come in and have very little memories of their childhood. So they’ll say, Well, I can remember till about age 10. And then I’m like, oh, Red Alert, shields up. Something happened. Something happened. Hello. You know, so if there’s not a lot of consistent childhood memories that says to me, a great deal of trauma has occurred. Memory loss as in not remembering things that can be a stress response, Absolutely. If you are concerned about it, though, I strongly suggest going and getting a physical go talk to your medical doctor because not everything is psychological. So you want to rule out the physical stuff, you know, is there. Is there something going on neurologically? Is there something going on physically that needs to be addressed. So you want to rule that out. And then also you want to double whammy, you want to also work with a trauma therapist and see if it improves with working on the trauma. So yeah, so you just want to cover all your bases. That’s a really good way to do it. That’s what I like to do. Because it’s kind of like, oh, yeah, let’s make sure this is not physical. Let’s, let’s rule out this. And then let’s see if it’s if it really is psychological. And it can be because PTSD, obviously, we don’t remember key events from trauma, stress, ongoing stress that will cause you to completely lose your mind. You bet. Absolutely. So, yeah, so check it out. And and double-check that it’s not something physical. Okay. Um, it can get better over time. Yeah. Once you start how to explain this. Once you start working on the trauma, a lot of my clients will start remembering past whatever age they could not remember. And obviously, it’s a lot of trauma. And some of them are freaked out there. Like oh my god, oh my god. Oh my God, I don’t want to remember and I’m like, take a deep breath. It’s all good. This is good. This is good that you remembering because now you can deal with it. And now you’re not being run by it and it’s not the inner child making decisions. It’s the dolt. You’re making decisions. So choose reframe the way you’re thinking about it. It’s okay to feel it’s okay to feel, it’s okay to remember it is Is it scary? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You betcha. Yeah. But necessary, because you want to work through it so that you’re making the decisions adult you not little you. So yeah, absolutely. Okay, hold on. Let me get back to this. Yes, it can get better over time with the proper therapy. And if it’s not a neurological issue,

do narc abusers have inverted posture syndrome, they usually pretend to be better than they are. And their victims tend to believe their own worth is less than it really is. Well, kind of. So abusers, narcissists, in particular, totally overstate their abilities, they have to be the best of the best of the best of everything, and they will lie about it. And of course, they have to put down anybody who’s a threat to them. Like totally put them down, like you know, go for the jugular, say lies, etc, etc, etc, because they’re so threatened by genuine emotions, genuine intelligence, genuine people, genuine whatever. So yeah, they do, they do, do that they overstate their worth and the targets of abuse when you’re in the fog, the fear, the obligation, and the guilt when you’re in that thrall of the abusers. almost hypnotic kind of weirdness that intermittent positive rewards the love bombing, the you know, I love you he the whole thing. When you’re in that Thrall, you believe whatever they say, even though you know it’s not true, because you want it to be true, because you want to believe them. And unfortunately, part and parcel of that is believing what they say about you. So that’s why it’s so important that once you go, no contact with an abuser, you stay no contact, do not go back to them, because you’ll just go fall right back into the fog. I mean, like, immediately, and it’s scary, how quickly it can happen. Especially if you haven’t done the work on yourself, especially if you haven’t been working on self-esteem. Especially if you haven’t been working on boundaries. You get back with that abuser and oh my god, you fall right back into those roles, and you fall right back into that fog, and it’s dangerous. So that’s why I’m saying if you go no contact, you stay no contact no matter what they say. And they will say the prettiest lies. Oh, I’ve changed. It’ll be different this time. It’ll be better. I’m in therapy. Right? No, you’re not. You know what I’m saying? So yeah, you don’t you don’t believe them? Because if their lips are moving, they are lying.

Okay. Um, how can I be the best parents? I can for my three-year-old I struggled with PTSD after leaving my abusive ex. So you work on yourself that you lead by example. Seriously, kids are little sponges and I tell parents this all the time. Kids are sponges, they watch us they look to us for how to respond. So if something really scary is happening, and you’re calm and cool and collected, the kids gonna be calm and cool collected. If you’re running around like a chicken with its head cut off. The kids gonna be freaked out the dig where I’m going with that. So they watch us to how to react they do. So the best way to be the best parent for your kid his work on you. You’ve got PTSD from being in an abusive relationship. Okay, get with a good trauma therapist. If you cannot afford a good trauma therapist start working CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. Do the mirror, work with your kid, make it a fun game. Include them. And then at night when you put them to bed Hey little guy, three things that I love about you, or a little girl or whatever, you know, three things I love about you here, I love this. I love this, I love this talk to them, you encourage them, you let them know you love you. Because you’re gonna be sitting there going, I love you, I love you, I love you to them. And if you’re not loving yourself, they’re, they’re going to the greatest little BS detectors in the world, your kids. So yeah, do you see where I’m going with that. So you work on you, you be a role model, you be the role model for your little one that your parents may or may not have been for you, you know, so you work on you self-esteem, boundaries. CPTSD do the mirror work, your work daily, include them, make sure to tell them what they’re doing right. Make sure you tell them you love them. Make sure you hug them, make sure you comfort them, make sure you let them be kids, I just get so sick of these ebbing nurses that insist that their little, little, little little little ones be many adults and like they’re not cognitively capable of it. Don’t get me started anyway. So let them be kids. Let them be kids recognize that they’ve got a different cognition than we do as adults. And let them be kids and be age-appropriate for whatever you need to tell them and don’t bad mouth, the other parents and you know, be open and honest. So yeah, just be a good role model be a good role model. Okay, let’s see. Is that it? Oh, that’s it. We are done. So anyway, I hope this helped with imposter syndrome. Every single survivor, almost every single survivor of abuse has got it. It’s because of the nonstop lying, gaslighting, rewriting history pulling reality out from underneath us, etc. And the best way to deal with that, give the good trauma therapist start working on self-esteem. Start doing them your work daily morning reading morning, evening. Really do take very good care of yourself. Drink plenty of water, get some exercise, get out in the sunshine, do take good care of yourself. All right, you guys be good. Love you take care of yourselves and I will talk to you soon.

The post 03-13-2022 Imposter Syndrome Explained appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Kris Godinez  00:02

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Okay, so, somebody was asking me, Can you talk more about emotional safety and that they feel like they’re safe when they’re with their ex who’s a crutch kind of thing. So, the ex, I guess, is not abusive. So emotional safety, everybody. Oh, okay. Everybody take a deep breath. Here’s the thing. Here’s the come to Jesus meeting, we’re going to have. Emotional safety is not about another person. Now, when you get into a healthy relationship, yes, it will involve another person. But to get to that healthy relationship, you have to establish emotional safety with you, first! It is an inside job. Listen to me now. Believe me later.

And every time I tell people this, they’re like, I want to be in a relationship. I need another person I need outside I need outside I need outside. No, no, no, no, no, no, take a deep breath. You do not need outside support. Well, you need outside support, but you do not need outside approval, you don’t need outside, whatever. That’s other esteem. So that is what gets us into trouble is that we start looking outside of ourselves going, Oh, no, I need that. Instead of I need this. You know what I’m saying? So, which is why I’m wearing this t shirt? I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.

So when, when a client comes in and sits down, and I say, How are you doing? And of course, I’m asking them like sincerely not like the, you know, stereotypical societal accepted. Oh, how are you doing? Oh, I’m fine. No, no, no, no, I really want to know, how are you doing? So, when a client says, Oh, I’m fine. I’m like, oh, effed up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. Does that about cover it? And they’re like, yes. So, that’s what fine means to a counselor. So if I ever asked you how you’re doing, and you tell me, you’re fine, I’m gonna look at you and go is that a counselor fine? Or is that a socially acceptable fine, so you know, what’s the deal?

So, okay, emotional safety means being open, honest, authentic, vulnerable, and trusting and trust worthy. I don’t know too many people coming out of a relationship that can get there like that. Okay. So basically, emotional safety means getting back into relationship with yourself. So that at a point in time, when your self-esteem is rock solid sun comes up in the East sets in the West, rock solid, you’re trusting of your gut, you’re listening to your gut, not your head, not your heart, your gut, you’re listening to your gut. And you are honest with yourself, you’re open with yourself, you are vulnerable with yourself, you’re allowing the emotions. So that is what emotional safety really is all about. It’s about having the emotions, feeling the feelings, allowing yourself to feel the feelings, like I can’t tell you how many times I’m working with clients, and we’re going through all of this heavy stuff, because you know, abuse is heavy stuff. And they’re starting to get in touch with the emotions and they’re starting to get in touch with what they’re feeling. And you know, what’s happening in the betrayal and the sadness and the hurt and the anger and all of it. And they stop and they go, I don’t want to feel it.

Kris Godinez  04:30

Okay, here’s the problem. If you don’t allow yourself to feel it, if you do not allow yourself to be able to have the emotion, to let it play through, work through it, recognize that you did not deserve any of this. You didn’t deserve the betrayal, the anger, the hurt, the sadness, you didn’t deserve any of that. The guilt, emotional baggage, any of that, that stuff that belongs to your abuser, but you have to be able to confront it head on work through it. The only way out is through, okay? And then recognize what your emotions are. It’s so incredibly difficult to recognize what is your emotion versus what is their emotion that they have shoved into your head and into your heart and into your gut trying to shut you up.

Think about it. So, abusers don’t want us to feel, they don’t! They don’t want us to feel, they don’t want us to acknowledge, they don’t want us to recognize. They definitely don’t want us to see the pink elephant taking a doodoo in the corner. Okay. So, when, especially scapegoats when they are able to see that… that is when the abuser starts shutting them down, shutting them down. Nope, you don’t see that! Nope, that’s not true! No, you don’t feel that! You don’t feel that! How many times? How many times have abusers told you don’t cry? Or I’ll give you something to cry about? Or don’t you be angry at me, I’ll give you something to be angry about. And then they abuse. It’s intentional. So then pretty soon we’re unable to figure out what are we feeling. Feeling. Feeling. What is our feeling? What is our wants? What is our needs? Not theirs? Ours,ours?

Because remember, abusers have no boundaries. So part of emotional safety is creating really good rock solid boundaries, especially with abusers. And sometimes that boundary is a no no contact. Okay. So emotional safety starts. emotional safety starts at home. Really, it does. emotional safety starts with you. So, you have to get yourself rock solid self-esteem, good boundaries like that. Does that make sense? And then once you’ve established those, and you are in a good relationship with yourself, I saw a wonderful meme today. I should have posted it. I saw a wonderful meme that said, Oh, thank you Sherry. It said, No, it didn’t say thank you, Sherry. But thank you, Sherry. I saw a wonderful meme that said, it was like the Facebook thing where it says in a relationship with and said in a relationship with myself. And no, it’s not complicated. And I was like, Oh, I like that. That’s awesome, because that’s where we all need to get.

So, when we come out of a parental abusive relationship, they are the first people to kind of mirror you know, to us, and if they’re disordered, the mirror that they mirror back to us is a funhouse mirror. It is warped in so many different ways. So, it’s worse so that when we see ourselves, we’re getting a warped version of who we are, because they hate us. Remember that the abuser hates anybody who doesn’t tow the line. Who does it fall in line, who doesn’t mirror them back to them? Who doesn’t turn into a mini me and boy, Howdy, I’m gonna talk about that in a few weeks, when we come out of an abusive relationship with a parental unit or two that are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Okay, they have presented this warped mirror funhouse mirror of who we are. And so, we come out of it with all of these mistaken thoughts. mistaken beliefs, you know, it’s me, I’m the problem I’m, I’m the reason a family’s falling apart. No, sweetheart, you’re not, you’re not the problem. That’s not the reason the family’s falling apart. Your, your parents are crazy. You know, I mean, do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, so they present this warped view, or we get all these mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs. We stop being authentic because it’s not safe, right? Because if we’re authentic around an abuser, what happens? They abuse the living crap out of us because they don’t play authentic. They can’t stand anything that reminds them that there are not perfect and they’re not they’re the least, farthest thing from perfect.

So. Okay, so we get these mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs, we stopped trusting our gut, we stopped believing the evidence right in front of us, right. You remember the Maya Angelou quote, you know, when somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time, we stopped doing that, and we start going, Oh, well, maybe they’re not as bad. You know, they had a hard life. Well, you know, there’s reasons why they abused No, no, there’s not. I don’t care what their BS reasons are, there is never a reason to abuse a child, or anyone, for that matter. Thank you for playing. So you’ve been voted off the island by abuser, boy. So the point being is we get all of these maladaptive ways of thinking maladaptive ways of being and then we leave either the parental relationship or we get into an abusive relationship, romantic relationship, a boss relationship, a friend relationship. And then we’re sitting there going, oh my gosh, why am I replaying what’s happening, what’s going on. And we don’t feel safe. Because it’s a replay of our original abuse family of origin. Okay?

So, we tend to look outside of ourselves instead of looking inside because nobody’s ever taught us how to turn inwards. We’re always looking outwards, we got to stop doing that, guys stop doing that you’re not, you’re not going to find it out here in the ether. You’re not. It’s within here. This is where you’re going to find it and doing the work. Okay. But it’s so funny to me how many clients are like, no, no, no, no, no, I need to I need to be in a relationship. No, no, no, no, no, no, I have to be with somebody. 24/7 Well, that says to me, you don’t like what you’re hearing up here. That’s what we got to work on. Because that’s what’s really messing you up. So okay, so in an emotionally safe relationship with yourself, that’s, that’s, I would love to see that as a Facebook meme. I’m in an emotionally safe relationship with myself. And no, it’s not complicated. That would be perfect. So, the way to get from not in an emotionally safe relationship with yourself to emotionally safe relationship with yourself is spoiler alert…. Self-esteem work. I know, I know. I know. You guys are all like Boo. Hiss self-esteem. You say that every week. Yeah. And I’m gonna say it until the cows come home. Or the fat lady sings or I run out of breath. I don’t know. I’m just gonna keep saying it is literally self-esteem. It is. And I get people trying to argue with me with this about this all the time. No, no, no, no, no, you know, other people, other people, other people stop, take a deep breath. You cannot hope to have a healthy relationship with other people. If you are not in a healthy relationship that’s emotionally safe with yourself, though, there it is.

So, self-esteem. So, the way to start working on this is the self-esteem workbook, Schiraldi or you are a badass by Jen Sincero. Mirror work like a boss. So, what you’re gonna do is you’re going to sit down and you’re going to write out where you don’t feel emotionally safe. What is the dialogue going on? Up here? Okay, now here’s the other thing. Now, let’s say that okay, you’re working on the self-esteem workbook you’re doing the disease to please or codependent no more or PM Melody codependence books, those are great books, too. So you’re working all of that, okay. And you’re getting your boundaries going. And now you’re kind of going, Okay, I think I think I trust myself, I’m listening to my gut. Remember listening to the gut, that’s a huge part of it. I’ve been doing the mirror work, hi, good to see you have a great day, I give you permission to like yourself, and to trust yourself. And then you walk out, right. So you’re doing all of that now you’re getting ready to have a relationship, and you’re not going to do it until you get to that point. This is the this is where everybody goes south on this.

So, in working with survivors of abuse, what ends up happening is the fear of confronting the original wound. Mom, dad, grandparents who ever did, the damage is so great to that inner child that they immediately go, No, I need a relationship. And they stop work on themselves. And they run into another relationship. And about a month or two later, sometimes three, sometimes four, they come back, and lo and behold, they’re with another abuser. And now they have to get out of that relationship. And then they have to start working on themselves. And now it’s like a compounded thing. So, it’s like one abusive relationship with another abusive relationship with another abusive relationship. You don’t need to do that. You get out of the abusive relationship. Get into a safe, emotionally safe relationship with yourself, first and foremost, trusting your gut, being authentic, being able to speak your emotions.

So, here’s how we’re going to decide if somebody is not safe. Once you get into an emotionally safe relationship with yourself, write out how you don’t feel safe with them seriously, it’s like I don’t feel safe when so for example, let’s say that you’re sharing something, you know, important or something that’s, you know, that gives you great pride or something that you you know, you you’re sharing because you’re excited, right? And they show no excitement. None and they flip it back to them. Enough about you. Let’s talk about me seriously. That’s what they do. That is not emotionally safe. That is somebody who’s not listening. That is probably somebody who is a narcissist. So, they don’t listen. You’re not being heard that is not emotionally safe. Anybody who is not willing to do the give and the take, the give and the take so it’s like you give you take you give you take, you gave you take, and it’s equal.

So in a healthy relationship, whether that is a marriage, a friendship, a coworker, whatever a family, there’s healthy, give and take. So, in an unhealthy, unsafe relationship, there is no give and take. It’s like you share something exciting. And you’re wanting to share this because you’re excited about it. You know, hey, I just did this great thing. And I’m so excited. And I can’t wait to you know, ba, ba, ba, ba, bah. And then this person goes, Uh huh. Yeah. Well, let me tell you about my work week. I’m sorry, what? Can we celebrate here? Please? Can we, can we acknowledge this person for having done something really cool? You know, so there’s no letting you have the spotlight. There’s no listening. They’re not hearing you. So, if you’re having to repeat yourself over and over and over and over, that’s a disrespect that is not an emotionally safe relationship.

So okay, trust, where does trust come from? Trust comes from trusting ourselves, okay? And out of that, learning to see if we can trust other people. Now, as a survivor of abuse, I have very little trust in most people. I was like, okay, my dad was crazy. My mom wasn’t too far behind. I do trust myself. But I definitely pay attention to behavior. I look at the behavior do the words that’s coming out of their mouths match with their behavior, if they match, I can trust them. If they don’t match, I cannot trust them. Okay, now, that’s not saying that there aren’t going to be kerfuffles every once in a while, miscommunications, etc. But if there are kerfuffles, miscommunications, etc, and again, it’s worked on and they work on themselves, and they show you show you show, show me you’re trustworthy, and the words and the actions start matching, then you’re okay, but if they’re an abuser, and they never match, or they match for just a small amount enough time that you’re not going to leave them and then they start not matching, then Houston, you got a problem.

So okay, emotional safety involves openness, authenticness, meaning, you’re able to feel what you are feeling with no shame. No, no apologizing, no, you know, none of this stuff. And in a relationship, you’re able to say I feel and then you name the emotion, I feel angry, I feel hurt, I feel sad, I feel betrayed, I feel confused. I feel whatever it is, and then that person is able to go I hear you. Let’s work on this. You know if this is something that I’ve done, let’s work on this, you know, and they’re hearing you that is a healthy relationship.

Kris Godinez  18:01

So emotional safety so let me just read a couple of articles that I pulled up on this Hold on This is from Psychology Today. This is from James D. Houston. Um, okay, so June is National Safety Month did not know that. And this was written a few years ago. I’m, I’m enamored by this quote from author Anis Nin, we don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are. Truer words were never spoken when it comes to embracing our own emotional safety as our own caregivers. So basically, what he’s saying is, is that if we don’t have our gut in place where we can check in with it and go, okay, is this person trustworthy or not? We’re not going to feel safe. We’re just not. Um, most of us have known the feeling of being safe in the lap of a loved one. When we were children feel good places and the feelings that accompany them, maybe imprinted on our hearts and in our memories, sometimes the memories fade, but the feeling remains and then and then sometimes those feelings are betrayed. By life circumstances as we grow up, we may feel safe in the arms of a lover until they cheat, then all bets are off disappointments, being bullied divorce, unrequited love death, and even leaving the safety of a small-town America for the big city can have a negative effect on our sense of safety. And of course, the irony is that we may have felt very safe and coddled by the very person we are caring for today, that then abused us, right? Okay. Um, so, okay. All right. emotional safety comes from within us. It is knowing of what we are feeling and the ability to be able to identify our feelings and then take the ultimate risk of feeling them.

Now, when we’re in abusive relationship, there is no way in hell we’re going to do that because it’s not safe, right? Because if you’re with an abuser and you start crying, or you get angry, that’s the that’s the narcissistic supply to them, then they go, like cocaine to them. Yeah. Okay, and they will just eat that up. Okay, so that is part of the reason why when we come out of an abusive relationship, we’re lost. You know, we’re like, who am I, I feel like a ghost I used to, I used to be so confident I used to be so happy I used to be. Now I don’t feel any of that. And I don’t even know what I feel. And that is not being emotionally safe. Because we have started denying our feelings because they weren’t safe to feel we didn’t express them, we couldn’t express them. So, when we get out of an abusive relationship, and we are alone, that is the perfect time to start getting back in touch with and in a healthy, emotionally safe relationship with yourself. What are you feeling? What are the feelings? Allow them!

So, one of the things that I hear clients say a lot is, I’m going to start crying and I’m terrified, I’m never going to stop. You are you are going to stop crying. Eventually, you’ll dehydrate, you’ll stop crying. I know that sounds terrible, but it’s like, logically, you are going to stop crying. It’s going to be intense, though. So how do I explain this? The way I explained it to my clients is when we are finally, finally able to be authentic with ourselves and feel those feelings and allow ourselves to grieve and to be angry and to be hurt and betrayed and sad and everything else and we start crying. It is cathartic. Every single mammal on the face of the planet tears up when they feel pain. You are feeling pain, identify the pain was a betrayal, was it abuse, was it which is abuse but you know what was going on what caused the pain? And you have a right you have a God given right to be angry as hell at the abuser. You bet your sweet bippy so and that’s another thing that happens is that kids come out of these abusive relationships with parents and it’s not okay. They’re terrified to talk about the abuse because it’s been a we don’t talk about this we that’s airing dirty laundry. We don’t discuss this. We don’t do that. Does that make sense? So, emotions have suddenly become dangerous.

So, it’s really important to normalize having emotions and allowing ourselves to express them. You are the sky. Emotions are the weather. So, they’re gonna come blowing in and sometimes they’re an intense squall. Absolutely. Especially if we’re dealing with that intense grief, intense anger, intense betrayal, whatever, yes, it is going to be a typhoon, it’s going to be a frickin hurricane. It is going to be a tsunami. It is absolutely. But you know what? It will pass! It will. Isn’t necessarily fun while it’s going on. No, no, no, no, I wouldn’t say that would be fun, but necessary. So, it’s important to allow the emotions and to express the emotions.

So, getting back in touch with your emotions, get an emotion chart, start figuring out what you are feeling and allow yourself to feel it when you are writing the go pound sand letters. Allow yourself to feel it. Oh, boy, I’m feeling like I shouldn’t be talking about this. Well, guess what? I have a right. And boy, that makes me angry that you’re telling me, inner critic, that I can’t talk about you, see where I’m going with that?

You just get it out appropriately, inappropriately would be like screaming at other people and doing all this. And that is where the breakdown in emotional safety happens in couples because couples get together and they trigger the heck out of each other if they haven’t done their own work. So if you get two people that have both come out of abusive relationships, either parental abusive relationships or romantic abusive relationship, and they have not done their own work, they are going to trigger each other and it’s going to be awful. It’s going to be terrible. This is something that John Gottman talks about a lot in his work with emotional safety. So in an emotionally safe relationship, if one person gets triggered, the person who’s getting triggered will have done enough of their own work to be able to go I’m getting triggered, I gotta… I gotta back off, I gotta, I gotta walk away. Or, you know, if the person is triggering them, they might see that the person is getting triggered and instead of getting defensive and angry, and this and that in the way that their family of origin did. They’re able to go ooh, this feels really familiar. I’m gonna back off. I… let’s take a break. Oh, let’s come back together in 10 or 15 minutes, and we’ll try again because I can see you’re triggered. So, does that make sense? So, um, so Okay, so here’s let me finish this article. Okay, so um

Kris Godinez  25:12

Okay, sometimes people react very differently to trauma. Have you ever heard of sibling speak of their home life and wonder how they could have grown up in the same house? Yes. Some of us shut down and trust no one and live in the illusion that self-reliance is safety personified. So that is a trauma response guys, not being able to reach out is a trauma response. So, in this line of thinking, John and I just watched Encanto last night, you know, I’m a Disney fan like nobody’s business. So, um, so Encanto we watched Encanto and in the story, I realized while there was… because I hadn’t read anything about it or anything, that all of the special gifts that the family got were all trauma responses, so Luisa with the incredible strength, you know, and then feeling not enough because she couldn’t carry enough… trauma response. The one that was perfect in every way the golden child… trauma response having to be perfect. Having to being everything lovely, and perfect. The golden child, perfect… trauma response. Um, what was one of the other gifts? Oh, the one who could hear everything hyper vigilance, listening, listening, listening. What am I listening for? What? What’s going on? Where’s the danger? What’s going on? Trauma response. Um, Bruno, we don’t talk about Bruno. But him being the seer of the family, he got excommunicated, because he could see. And then he was afraid of seeing… trauma response. I frickin love Disney. It’s like, every single movie they have put out recently has had some deep psychological thing along with it. And it was all born from the original trauma of the family. And Encanto, the, you know, the thing that happened in the very beginning. So anyway, watch it. It’s a great movie, I really enjoyed it,  the music’s fantastic! So anyway, trauma responses.

And so if we’re in a relationship with both people getting triggered, and neither one has done the work, there is no emotional safety, there’s no trust, because they don’t trust themselves, they start projecting the family stuff onto each other, and then they both get damaged and the relationship ends, or it turns toxic, or it, you know, whatever. So emotional safety really does begin at home, how am I doing on time? Oh, of course, I’m going over. Um, so it does begin at home. And it means that you have to be emotionally safe with your self, you must be open, honest, authentic, willing to feel the feels, not being afraid of the emotions, or if you’re afraid of the emotions, just say I’m really afraid of this, but I’m gonna do it anyway. You know, and I do that a lot when with the more vulnerable emotions, like cry, you know, most of us are terrified, especially females of crying, because we were abused. Because if we cried, we got hit, or if we cried, we were told, I’ll give you something to cry about, or, you know, something awful like that.

So, getting in touch with your emotions, feeling the emotions, trusting your gut. And out of that, trusting what you see. And trusting what you feel, not the head, not the heart, what you feel, what is the gut saying to you? Is this person trustworthy or not? And then, in a relationship, both parties will have worked on themselves, worked on the self-esteem worked on the boundaries. And if one gets triggered, either the person getting triggered goes, Hey, I’m triggered, we need to take a break, take timeout, or if the person recognizes that the other one is triggered, instead of getting defensive, they’re able to go, Oh, crap, okay, you’re getting triggered. I need to figure out what I’m thinking and feeling you need to figure out what you’re thinking feeling. Let’s, let’s take a timeout and come back and talk about it. That’s what healthy couples do. Unhealthy couples sit there and scream at each other. Trying to be right, trying to be right, trying to be right trying to be right. It’s not about the win, guys, if you’re in an argument, or disagreement to win, you’ve already lost, you’ve already lost because a relationship is not about win lose. It’s about understanding. So Okay, one more article, and then we’re going to get to the questions.

So, the next one is from vitality collective. Says what does it mean to create emotional safety in your life? It means being true to you. And in a relationship it means being able to be true to you in a relationship. Um, so John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth refer to this in their theory on emotional safety in the context of a relationship between a child and a primary caregiver, and how it unfolds on in life as the child grows into an adult and experiences adult relationships and this affects every single one of us because if we had family of origin that was You know disorderwd, this is no bueno. In describing this secure attachment or sense of emotional safety Bowlby and Ainsworth note how a child chat shows an affinity towards their primary caregiver exhibits distress when separated and then receives releasing relief and comfort when they are reunited again. So basically, it’s talking about if you didn’t have that, it’s really important to figure out how you didn’t have that writing it out. How did you not feel safe with your primary caregiver? I mean, if you had one or two parents that were disordered, you probably didn’t feel safe a lot of the time. So, working through that inner child workbook, Katherine Taylor, The Self-esteem Workbook Glen Schiraldi. Disease to Please Harry Braiker. Codependent no more by Melanie Beatty Beyond codependent no more also, Melanie Beatty. PM Melody, her books on codependency. So, working through that and figuring out how we didn’t feel safe, comforting that inner child and learning to trust ourselves, re parenting ourselves, hi, good to see you have a great day, I give you permission to trust your gut, and then walk out and then start trusting your gut. And then when you’re with somebody else, hopefully, they will have done all of that hard work. And you’ll be able to stick to I statements and speak to them about hey, I’m not feeling safe right now. And here’s why. And hopefully, if they’re not abusive, if they’re abusive, they’re gonna ignore it. If they’re not abusive, they’re gonna go oh, crap, I didn’t realize I was doing that. Let’s work on this. So there that is, okay. Um, let’s see, what else did I get out of that article?

Um, okay it is an irony in a sense of emotional safety is that as much as people in our lives can contribute to that sense of safety, they can threaten it as well. So, for example, you get involved with somebody and they start abusing you, well, then your sense of safety and trust, goes right out the window. In my work with survivors of childhood sexual abuse, working to understand emotional insecurity, forms the foundational work of trauma treatment and the basis of emotional recovery. So again, it’s working on the trauma. So CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. When I ask clients to describe or express their sense of emotional fears and insecurity, there’s an overwhelming response that revolves around and early childhood memories.

Kris Godinez  32:20

So it’s really important to work on the original wound, you are never… not on this planet, or any other planet in this solar system, or galaxy, or universe, going to fix the original wound, by finding somebody outside of yourself to make you feel safe. That’s never going to work. Because if you do that, that’s half of a doodoo, sandwich, half of a doodoo sandwich, total doodoo sandwich, and you don’t want that. So, hold on, and then we’re going to get to the questions. So, it’s important to go through and figure out what were the negative and dark aspects of the original caregiver? What happened to cause the safety to go away and putting it back on the abuser. So, take inventory of the relationships around you the degree to which you feel emotionally safe from each… trust your gut, list and understand your own triggers. Especially with people you interact and spend the most time with, or evaluate learning tools to manage or regulate your own emotions when triggered.

So something that happens with survivors of abuse is that inner child takes over and we want mommy or daddy… safe mommy or daddy, to comfort us or to take responsibility for our emotions. Ah, that doesn’t work, guys, that doesn’t work. You’ve got to emotionally regulate yourself. You’ve got to forgive yourself, love yourself, be with yourself. Because here’s the thing, we come into this world alone, we go out of this world alone. And in the meantime, guess who we spend 100% of our time with. It’s not Gerard Butler, it’s us. Okay, we spend 100% of our time with us up here. So, you might as well start liking yourself, and you might as well do the self-care and the self-care doesn’t mean a spa. The self-care means you start working on the trauma. You start working on the insecure connection, the insecure attachment you start working on allowing yourself to feel the feelings. You start working on trusting your own gut, you start working on comforting and loving yourself because that’s where emotional safety lives. And then you can go out and have a healthy relationship with another whole person.

It drives me crazy when I hear especially movies that are like you make me whole Oh honey, you got a problem. If somebody else is making you whole you are in danger. So, it’s got to be a whole person with a whole person coming together and they enjoy each other’s company. They we will wobble if they separate. They’re fine. They might weeble wobble a little bit but they’re okay. If you’re looking outside of yourself trying to get emotional safety from somebody else. That’s this. And if they go away, you’re going to go to ka-thunk! And that’s going to be no good that is codependency. So okay, hold on, let me let me finish this up, and we’ll get to the questions.

Um, it’s good to have a role model. Basically, they talk about having an anchor or a role model for emotional safety. So that is something that is a good thing. If you have a good friend, a good therapist, a good family member, you know, whatever, that you can use that as the role model for emotional safety, and that’s what you’re going to do. So, okay. Alright, I think that’s it. Let’s get to the questions because it sounds to me like we’ve got a lot of them.

Alright, uh, my medications, softened my emotions and feelings. I think. I also saw from the effectiveness of my long term, expensive therapies, what should I do? To have more patience and will therapies work. Okay. So when we’re raised by an abuser, okay, first of all, I am not a huge fan of psycho pharmaceuticals. Psycho pharmaceuticals, I can never say that word, psycho pharmaceuticals. Not a huge fan of that, um, and I really only recommend people get psycho pharmaceuticals as a last line of defense. So, in other words, if talk therapy is not working, different modalities are not working, there’s emotional dysregulation, mood swings, etc, depression, clinical depression, not situational depression, then I say, Okay, now it’s time to go get some medicinal help, because obviously, it’s not just behavior, it is now something probably clinical. And the thing that bothers me is that a lot of lot of psychiatrists, a lot of Family Physicians, when confronted with emotional issues that the patients are going through, just immediately want to throw drugs at it. And I’m just like, like, Okay, here’s a great example. My mother in law when her husband died, they’ve been married for like, Good God, 45…50 years, and he died. And she was lost without him. And she was crying and she was grieving, which is normal. Well, within the first two weeks, her family physician was like, oh, we need to put you on a on an antidepressant. And I looked at her and I said, Hell, no, you’re not going to do that you’re grieving. You’re going to allow yourself to feel the emotions, you’re going to vent. To us family members, you’re going to allow yourself to grieve, this is normal. If you were completely not crying and not grieving that your husband of 50 years just died, I’d be really worried. So you know, especially because Rogelio was just an awesome guy. So, so a lot of physicians want to pathologize normal feelings, and you don’t want that! You want to see if it’s clinical or not.

Now, the difference between clinical depression and situational depression, clinical depression is where the brain is simply unable to produce any of the feel good chemicals, like you don’t want to eat, you don’t want to get out of bed, you’re not bathing, you’re not taking care of yourself, you have suicidal thoughts, ideations, etc. So, um, that’s clinical, that’s clinical, you know, it’s like you’ve lost joy and things you used to like to do, there’s no joy at all, nothing tastes good, nothing feels good. You don’t want to go anywhere, you don’t want to see anything you can’t, like I said, you can’t take care of yourself. That’s clinical depression, situational depression is a death, a divorce, a loss of some sort, something sets you back, but you still have those moments of coming kind of up out of it and being able to be happy, and maybe going back down into it, and then coming back up out of it, do you see where I’m going with that? So, and though if that’s a pattern of down and, and sort of up to normal, and that’s been lifelong, that could be a form of bipolar. So, you know, there’s, you want to get with a good physician is basically what I’m saying not one that’s just gonna throw drugs at you. Okay. So sorry, I got off on a tangent.

So patience is something that we do not learn from our abusers. We don’t. It has to be learned from ourselves and I still on occasion, struggle with that so especially if I’m dealing with technical logical stuff I just literally after like five minutes, throw my hands up in the air and go, John! I just don’t have the patience! Patience is a learned behavior it is and it’s really important to start cultivating that now I’m probably never going to have patience with technology ever. Technology is my, my foe. But like with other things, the more important things having patience with other people, having patience with ourselves. It’s more of a grace kind of thing. It’s more of a forgive yourself kind of thing. Be patient with you. And out of that be patient with other people, but not to the point where they’re abusing you. Does that make sense?

So, the difference between compassion, idiot compassion, okay. So patience is learned, and our abusers are always impatient. Have you ever noticed that? Have you ever noticed how they always rush their kids and are always screaming at their kids? Come on, get dressed, get your clothes, we got to go. Where are you Dawdling? Dilly dally, you know, why are they doing that? You know, kids are kids. Chill, you know, so but they do that. And they have no patience, because they’re literally the type that if they say jump, they expect you to ask how high and if you don’t, it makes them very, very, very, very angry. So, because to them, it’s a threat to them. It’s a threat that you didn’t immediately acquiesce to their demands, needs wants, whatever. So, if we don’t learn patience from our family of origin if we had abusers that raised us.

Kris Godinez  40:59

So learning Patience is a multi-pronged process. It’s forgiving yourself. It’s working on the self-esteem, it’s understanding, nobody’s perfect. Everybody makes mistakes, and do you really have to jump down their throat for that? No, you don’t, you don’t have to do what dad or mom, or grandma or grandpa did, you know have some grace, have some grace for yourself have some grace for other people. And that’s a really hard thing for survivors of abuse. A lot of us because we had abusers that had no patience, what so ever.

So things that help with patience, are meditation, exercise seriously, because then you get to be by yourself exercising, thinking things through working things through, you know what I’m saying? Journaling, writing, those are all things that help cultivate patience. And one of the main questions I get a lot is well, I want to be over this now. Well, yeah, don’t we all. You know, it takes time, guys, it takes time. And it takes practice, meaning, you can’t just go to therapy and expect the therapist to fix you, the therapist is there to hand you the tools. Here’s the hammer, here’s the nails, here’s how you use them. Let me show you, okay, great, you got it. Now go home and practice. And that helps you start doing it on your own, you know, so you got to practice in between each session, you got to practice whatever the therapist is teaching you. So, if we don’t practice, and if we just expect to go to a therapist and go, watch and not take in the tools and not learn the tools, and not go home and practice with them, we’re never going to get better, we’re going to get stuck in our story is what’s going to happen. So if you’re with a therapist, that’s just letting you get stuck in your story, and you’re telling your same story over and over and over and over. And there’s no interventions from the therapist, like we’ll have you tried this, let me show you that, you know, that kind of thing. And if you’re like doing the Yes, but you’re never gonna get better. You got to take the tools, you got to go out, you got to practice, it’s just like playing an instrument, you know, if you don’t practice, you’re not going to get better. If you’re only practicing while you’re in the room with Maestro, you’re never going to get better, you got to go practice on your own. So that’s where therapy is I think failing a lot of people is that there are therapists out there that are just you know, collecting a paycheck and letting the person get stuck in their story. So, know if you’re getting stuck in your story. Look for a different therapist, you need somebody who’s going to give you tools, teach you how to use them, and then send you on your way and tell you hey, I expect you to practice. That’s what I tell my clients, I expect you to practice this stuff, I assign homework assignments, I expect you to do it. And if they don’t, then I say you know what? We’ve been at this for six months now and you’re not doing anything for yourself what’s going on? I’ll ask them and then if they’re like, oh, I don’t have the time. I don’t want to do it. What are you worth it? Well, buh, buh, buhs Okay, well, here’s the deal. If I’m not helping you, then I’m not going to take your money. Because there’s no point because this is not what I’m in it for. So you need to do the work. You need to work on yourself, you need to practice otherwise, I’m going to need to refer you out to someone else because obviously I’m not helping and I don’t want to be an enabler. And usually at that point, they start working. So that’s, that’s really what a good therapist does. If you’ve got a therapist is not doing that. That’s just allowing you to get stuck in your story. Fire them! Get somebody else because you need tools. That’s really what it is all about.

Okay, after I escaped a couple of months ago, I’ve left some very emotional things and personal creations. Tons of my data on CDs Should I ask a familiar to get it? But I’m afraid they are monkeys. Oh, that is a sticky wicket indeed! So this is the thing that I hate about abusers is that they, if they know it’s important to you, they will either destroy it intentionally, lose it intentionally, use it against you intentionally, hold it over your head as a way to emotionally blackmail you, you know, like, oh, well, you know, I’ll let you come get it if you come over to the house, or if you agree to meet me for dinner, or, you know, that type of thing. So generally, what I tell people is, if you’ve left stuff over there, that’s important to you.

Kris Godinez  45:47

And if you weren’t married, I’m not quite sure how this could work, I suppose what you could do is you could ask them, if you can come get it, they’re probably going to say no, or they probably said they’ve destroyed it or whatever. If you’re asking a flying monkey, that too, is a dicey situation. Because if they’re a flying monkey, they’re they’re probably playing the game that the abuser is playing. Honestly, I tell people, let it go. Let it go. It’s just stuff, let it go. It’s just stuff I know it has emotional value. I know that means something to you. But ultimately, it means a connection to the abuser, let it go, it’s not safe. Because they look for ways to stay connected, they would rather have an effed up, dysfunctional, harmful, hurtful, toxic relationship with somebody than no relationship at all, because they love the drama, and they need the narcissistic supply. So, if these people are flying monkeys to this person, and you ask them to get your stuff, you’re probably going to create some sort of Drama Triangle, or you’re going to create some sort of continuing to harm situation. So, I would say let it go, let it go. Just I hate to say it and sucks. It does. So, um, you know, if and if there was anything important on there, like anything they could use against you. You could talk to an attorney and find out what your rights are. Because I’m not sure what your rights are. If it was not a marriage, and you’re breaking up, and they’ve still got your stuff, I think you can still call the police and ask them to come over and watch while you get your stuff out of there. But you would have to contact the person first and say, hey, I want my stuff back. And then they would have to say, No, you can’t have it, blah, blah, blah. And at that point, then you could contact the police and ask them to escort you over there. And guard you basically while you get your stuff. So, talk to an attorney, that would be more of a legal question, I think, Okay, hang on. But in general, I tell people leave it, it’s not worth it. It can be replaced and if it can’t be replaced. You’ve got it in your head, your heart, you know, let it go. Because that’s just another way that they can they can abuse you. Alright,

Mmm hmm. Okay. Could self-esteem be considered pride? No. Okay, here we go. Let me explain this again. You can be proud of yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that. But if you’re boastful and prideful, that’s ego. Okay. So, like, say for example, you do something that you were always afraid of, right? Like you broke out of that abusive bond that you had going like they said, Oh, you’ll never be able to graduate. You’ll never be able to do this. You’ll never do and you you do. You can enjoy the moment and have pride in yourself for having done something you were afraid of. Okay. pridefulness However, ego so pridefulness is when we go look at me. Look at me. Look at me. I’m so fabulous. tell you how fabulous my Am I but I’m the greatest. This is the greatest thing I’ve ever done. You know instead of just like, Hi, I’m really proud of myself. So, the difference between self-esteem and having pride for ourselves and ego, narcissism, prideful, boastful, is this… self-esteem is just that quiet voice inside of us that says, Hey, good job. Keep going. I’m proud of you. Good job. I love you. Have a great day. That’s self-esteem. Ego, boastfulness is looking at other esteem. I need to impress these people so that they can reflect back to me how great I am. Look at how great I am. Look at all these wonderful things I’ve done. Look how fabulous I am. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. Okay, I’m the greatest thing ever! You know? No, that’s, that’s ego. That’s narcissism. Okay. So that is the difference between the two. You can be proud of yourself. Absolutely.

Kris Godinez  50:21

So here’s the thing. Let me I’m gonna use myself as an example. My dad, bless his heart. If you’re from the south, you know what I’m saying. My dad constantly told me I was the cute one, not the smart one. And that I would never be able to graduate and I would never be successful and all of this stuff. So, I graduated with my master’s I run my own business, I have this show I tour. Eventually, when COVID goes away, it is, you know, it’s safe. So, you know what I mean, endemic instead of pandemic. So anyway, the point being is he constantly told me I couldn’t do any of this stuff. And so, when I was able to do all of this stuff, I was able to go, Wow. That I could do all this is pretty cool! You know, it wasn’t like screaming to the world. It wasn’t like, you know, tell me how great I am. It’s like, Hey, I did that! I overcame this mountain that my abuser put up for me this, this wall, this cliff, this nastiness saying no, you can’t No, you can’t. No, you can’t. And wow, I can! No, it’s pretty awesome. That’s pretty cool. You know? Whereas if you’re going to be prideful and boastful, you’d be like, Oh, look at me and so fabulous. Look at me, tell me how great it No, I don’t need that. I don’t need tell other people to tell me. I know what I’ve done. I know what I’ve overcome. And I’m proud of myself for that. And I’m proud of myself for being able to use that as a way to help other people. Do you see where I’m going with that? So it’s like, it’s the difference between proud of yourself and prideful, boasted. Okay. So yeah, so when you overcome something that an abuser has just slammed in your face, and it’s a wall, and you never thought you’d overcome it, and you do, it’s perfectly okay to be proud of yourself. Good job. You did good. Absolutely. Absolutely. And it’s okay to take that moment to stop at the top and look back and go, damn, look how far I’ve come. You know, it’s like, that’s a long way. I’m really proud of myself. Holy cow. And that’s okay. Because you’re telling yourself that you’re proud of you. That’s the difference. boastful, prideful, narcissists scream to the world, tell me, tell me, tell me tell me how great they are a black hole of a seething black abyss is the best way I can put it. And there is not enough praise in the world that is ever going to fill that abyss. And they wouldn’t accept it anyway. They basically want anybody dead that loves them, because they don’t feel love, and they get angry and jealous that other people love and they don’t. And that’s why they want their targets of abuse, dead. So, the difference between self-esteem, other esteem, self-esteem is just you being proud of yourself, and happy for you and joyful for you. Other esteem is tell me I’m great. Tell me I’m great. Tell me I’m great. That’s other esteem. That’s prideful. That’s dangerous. That’s no bueno. You see where I’m going with that? Okay, I hope that explains it. All right.

Um, how can we trust our own perceptions after a lifetime of gaslighting years of no contact and therapy, and I still feel like I’m a horrible daughter, oh, Okay. So, get with a good trauma therapist, because a good trauma therapist would start addressing the guilt. So, the way that abusers control us from beyond the grave, and this is going to be another topic that I’m gonna have a few weeks out is talking about, you know, aging, narcissist, aging, parents, you know, dealing with the toxic parents as they age, wills, inheritance, etc.

Kris Godinez  53:21

This is a way that they control from the grave is that they instill this fear, obligation and guilt. So, any relationship, especially a parental relationship that makes you feel fearful, obligated or guilty is a toxic relationship. And that is pointing at them, not at you. Okay? So, every single abusive parent out there loves to tell their kids that they’re the worst person ever on the face of the planet. And how dare you and you’re not good enough and you owe me I gave birth to you. I carried you for nine months. I, I put a roof over your head. What are the other things that I’ve heard? People say, you know, you owe me. You should feel guilty. I gave up my career as a whatever, in order to take care of you like it’s your fault. What the frick? Do you see where I’m going with that? So, any relationship fear, obligation guilt? You write a letter to the guilt, dear guilt, guess what, here’s how a good parent would act. A good parent is loving, kind, supportive. They’re physically, mentally, emotionally, there… they’re not checked out. They’re not drug addicts. They’re not alcoholics. They’re not off doing their own things. You know, they’re with the kids. They’re there for them. They create a safe, emotional environment like we were talking about. They help the child to become a complete and whole and safe human being so that they can go out into the world and enjoy the world and be safe. Okay, if they didn’t do any of that stuff, then guess who the problem is? It’s not you. That’s spoiler alert. It’s not you. It’s them. So, you want to definitely start working through that. So, if your therapist is not working on the guilt, if you’ve got to vocalize this to us, because we’re not mind reader’s, I mean, well, we can sense stuff but we’re not mind reader’s now, we don’t know specifics. So, it’s like, if you’re feeling guilty, you’ve got to speak up, man, I feel so guilty, because I keep hearing my critic in my head saying, Oh, you’re a terrible daughter. Oh, you’re the worst daughter ever. Well, that’s when the therapist should be going. Let’s address the inner critic. So, what you’re going to do is something called thought stopping thought stopping is where you go.

Kris Godinez  55:49

Oh, here’s that horrible thought that I’m a terrible daughter. Wow, isn’t that interesting? Where’s this coming from? Who do you belong to? Because you’re not my thought. Who do you belong to? Oh, you belong to mom and dad. Fabulous. Well, guess what? Go play in traffic. Buh bye! I hear you, I see you, I’m not playing with you. Buy bye now! Go pound sand! Buh, bye now. But But seriously, you start working on that you write a goodbye letter to the guilt, you write a go pound sand letter to the guilt, you put it back on the abuser CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker, put it back on the abuser. It’s not yours, don’t carry that don’t go to that luggage carousel and pick it up. It’s not your baggage, it’s theirs. So, remember, any relationship that causes fear, obligation, guilt, and tells you you’re a terrible person, and you’ve been working on yourself, you got to deal with this thought you got to deal with the trauma, you got to put it back onto the abuser, absolutely get with a different therapist, if they’re not, if they’re not helping you. If this is something that is circling around and circling around and circling around, and you don’t have the tools to deal with it, get with a different therapist, start working the CPTSD book, start working the inner child book, start working the self-esteem, but realize you’re worth what you’re worth, you got worth, you’re not a terrible daughter you have worth, you are worthy of your own love your own time and your own attention, regardless of what our abuser said, If we believed our abusers we’d all be dead, you know, because they want us dead. And they would tell us that we’re not worthy and that we don’t deserve our own time and love and attention, etc, etc, etc. So, anyway, there is that. Okay, couple more questions. And then I have time John we’re going we’re going over time. Okay. Um, okay, could self esteem Okay, no, I already answered that.

When can we trust your own perception? Okay, so unless we work on our own trauma, no, you cannot trust the inner critic. That’s the difference. So, perception and inner critic are two different things. The gut is our perception. The inner critic is up here in our head. Remember when I said the head lies, the heart lies the gut tells the truth. So, the inner critic is part of the head. The inner critic is going to be like, well, you’re this, that and the other thing you’re not good enough and you’re a bad daughter… thank you for your input go pound sand. Why? Because I say so. I am a good daughter. I am a good person. And I do deserve to be loved. And I deserve to love myself. Why? Because I say so. I am the boss of the inner critic. The inner critic is not the boss of me. So, work on that thought stopping. That’s another form of thought stopping you know, thank you for your input. Shut the bleep up. Why? Because I say so. I am a good person. Thanks for playing by. So, work on that. So, perception is the gut, inner critic is the head. So always remember that… never listen to your head. Listen to your gut. Okay, one more question.

Can a therapist cause an emotionally unsafe situation Absofreakinglutely!! Oh, good God! There are some bad therapists out there. Those are the ones that side with the abuser. Those are the ones who do not validate the client, make the client think they’re crazy. That… That pisses me off that really does because we’ve already gotten the whole you’re crazy from our abuser. The last thing we need is a therapist siding with the abuser and you know, harming the client. Does that make sense? So yeah, absolutely. There are narcissists and guys, listen to me. Now, believe me later. I know I’ve said this in other shows. There are narcissists in my profession. There are narcissists in the in the medical profession. There are nurses that are narcissists, there are narcissists that are judges. There are narcissists that are lawyers, they are attracted to positions of power. So anytime you’re dealing with a power differential, especially when you’re looking for a therapist, you’ve really got to be careful because yes, there are narcissistic therapists out there. And I talk about it in my book, which Andy, are you listening to me? I want it to come out this month.

Kris Godinez  59:52

So, in my book, I talk about a couple of people that I went through school with that have absolutely no business being therapists because they were in it for the power, they were in it to tell people, you know, they were great. And you let me tell you how great I am and what you need to do. And you’re this, that you’re the other thing, and I’m like no business being in my business. So yes, there are narcissists that are therapists and, and that’s what makes me angry, because it’s so difficult when you’re coming out of a relationship, you’re looking for help, and you get in with a bad therapist, that gives everybody a bad name, because that therapist ruins it for the person that’s trying to get help. So, I do I have done several videos in the past on what questions to ask your therapist, and don’t be afraid to fire them if they are not giving you what you need. If you don’t feel emotionally safe with them, fire them, fire them. And here’s the other thing. Once you have fired them, they should leave you the hell alone. I have heard stories, oh my god, from you guys out here from on my Facebook and from my practice, where when they fire the therapist, the therapist kept reaching out to them and trying to convince them that they needed to go back to them. When somebody fires me, which does not happen very often, but it does happen. Just doesn’t work. Whatever. I go, Okay, well, if you ever change your mind, I am right here. I am a phone call away. And that’s all I say. And it’s done. You know? So yeah, you want to trust your gut on picking a therapist. So go watch the videos I did on how to pick a therapist the questions you need to ask because you need to be interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you or me let you guys go. Have a wonderful week and I will see you in two weeks. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Chris godinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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