Have you ever had your parent’s voice come flying out of your mouth? Nine times out of ten that happened when you were stressed out, and it was a knee-jerk reaction. What can you do when that happens? Are you aware of all of the bad parenting that your dysfunctional family of origin gave you and how that plays out in your own parenting?

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Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA, or any other therapist for that matter.

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Okay, so a couple of things. Obviously, I am in the car, I am not driving. Thank you very much. John is driving. We are on our way back from our epic “Let’s avoid the heat” trip. Which we did pretty good, but it’s still gonna be what 110 Today, 107, 113 Yay, Phoenix. Anyway, so um, so we’re on the way back to the house, we’re probably gonna get to the house in the middle of all this. So just bear with me during the craziness as we unload the dogs. So. All right, a couple of announcements I wanted to make. I will be doing my next meet and greet in Salt Lake City. Those tickets are available on me. Hey Andrea, those tickets are available on KrisGodinez.com. So I will be in Salt Lake City if you wish to go see me there, and we’ll have a good chat and all that sort of good stuff. I haven’t come up with the next one after that. The one that I do have planned is in Florida. So that will be on December 2 will be in Florida. August 26 will be Salt Lake City. So, if you want to get your tickets go get ‘em because I’m trying to figure out how to pack let me know alright?

Current event, so I wanted to talk about the strike the AFTRA, SAG, writer strike etc. etc. I am 100% for it. I am remembering I my degree my bachelor’s degree is in theater arts. So, my heart lives with the actors. So, I agree with them. I think what they’re fighting for is right. As much as I love Bob Iger, he makes what did they say, 73 million a year or something like that, something ridiculous. And he’s complaining about them wanting to be compensated for their likenesses and their voices and things like that. Part of the issue is that they’re saying the AI can mimic their appearance and mimic their voice, and not cool man pay them for it. That’s weak. That’s how do you wouldn’t demand that your dentist work for free. Why are they demanding that actors work for free? Do you see where I’m going with that? And if you want to know why I support unions, read the jungle by Upton Sinclair. It’s all about the meatpacking industry in the early 1900s. And how brutal it was, and how they didn’t care about the workers. They didn’t care whether somebody got hurt. They didn’t care if they fell into the machines or got ground up into hamburger meat. So, it’s a really good book. So, I would strongly suggest reading it. Workers need to be valued. Their work needs to be valued, no matter what their work is. It’s like I have this sense that some of these narcissists who were CEOs are like, Oh, well, you know, you’re just a this. So, therefore, you don’t need compensation. Well, that’s a real narcissistic attitude. That even the people who are fixing our food have value, and they are valuable to us because they provide a service, pay them enough to make enough to get an apartment and have a car and pay for gas. That’s all they’re asking. So anyway, that is my current event. And there you have it, why I support you.

So, I’m all right today. We are talking about bad parenting. So, I think there is not a survivor out there. That came from a narcissistic family that hasn’t experienced bad parenting, and we tend to pick up fleas from that. So, I just want to validate that our go to our knee-jerk reaction when we’re super triggered. And we’re super upset and very emotional is going to probably be one of the things that our parents did to us. So, first of all, I just want you to acknowledge that that’s going to happen. It’s going to happen we’re going to have Please. So, something to think about. And this isn’t bad parenting. This is just. This is just kind of an FYI. When we have kids, okay. And our children hit the age that we were, when we got abused, we’re going to find ourselves triggered like nobody’s business, and we may or may not be able to put together why. So that is just something to think about is that when we have children and our children hit the age that we were, when we were abused, we’re going to get triggered, and everything is going to be very, very hyper, hyper vigilant, hyper aware, triggering, etc., etc. Sometimes when we get triggered, we are going to have our parents pop out of our mouth. So, but the difference between a bad parent and a good parent, a good parent, as soon as they know that their parents have popped out of their mouths, they are going to go, Oh my gosh, that was my mom. That was my dad, that is not you. I am so sorry. Let me make amends. I want to make sure you’re okay, that wasn’t okay for me to yell at you, or whatever. Do you see where I’m going? Whereas a bad parent just does the behavior doesn’t own, it doesn’t take ownership, doesn’t try to make sure the kid is not getting damaged. Does that make sense?

So, one of the things so basically, forgive yourself, it’s going to happen. You know, when we come out of these abusive relationships, especially family of origin, we’re going to have fleas, we’re going to do things that our parents did or said, but as soon as you catch it, you make amends, fix it, you make sure the kid is okay. Mentally and emotionally, physically, whatever. And you make sure that it doesn’t happen again. You nail down that flea. Squish that flea. So bad parenting. I want to talk about some things I have seen parents, bad parents, narcissistic parents do in divorce and not divorce and in staying with the abuser, etc., etc. So, what somebody asked me a question, can you talk more about narcissistic mothers and emotional incest? Okay, so emotional incest does not just happen with narcissistic mothers. It also happens with narcissistic fathers; it can happen to either sex of the child can either be the son or the daughter doesn’t matter. And what emotional incest is, is it the parent, the narcissistic parent, or the disordered parent, dumps into the kid, all of this emotional stuff, so they use the kid as a confidant, or they use the kid as a counselor, or they use the kid as a secret sharer. You know, they tell the child about the affair that they’re having. But don’t tell mommy, don’t tell daddy, whatever. Or they overshare they tell the child way too much about what’s going on. You know, my mom did that a lot. They use the child as a counselor, try to get them to fix their problems, etc., etc. So that is emotional. incest that is absolutely emotional incest.

So, you want to make sure that you’re not oversharing with your kids. And if you have a parent that is doing that, they will continue to do that no matter how old you are. You’ve got to be the one to put a stop to it. You’ve got to be the one that says nope, no more, we’re not doing this. I’m not listening. This is not my job. I can’t handle this; I can’t deal with this. You know, you need a therapist, here’s the number, you know, that kind of thing. So bad parents will do that. And you’ve got to realize that parents will be bad parents until the day they die. They don’t stop. They just don’t. If they’re narcissists, they don’t stop. If they’re not narcissists, you know, they can, they can have some growth, okay? But, if they’re truly disordered, and if they’re truly harming, and if they’re truly doing things like emotional incest, they don’t ever stop. They will never ever stop being inappropriate and what they say or what they do, or you know, how much they overshare or things like that. So, for us, when we’re faced with a bad parent, a parent who’s just inappropriate, you have to be the one to put the brakes on it. You’ve got to be the one to go thank you for wanting to share this with me. I am not interested in being your secret holder. I am not interested in being your therapist. Here’s the name of a therapist. And if you continue, this conversation is over. Now, they’re not going to like it. They’re not absolutely 110%. Remember, it’s a power and control issue. So, they want to make you feel fear, obligation, and guilt. F.O.G. right.

Kris Godinez  09:51

So, if you’re the secret holder going around the corner, okay? If you’re the secret holder, then you’re you’ve got a lot of burden on you on necessarily so. And if you accidentally say something, you know, let something slip, then it’s all your fault. So, for example, and I’ve had this happen, the abuser told one of the teenagers that he was having an affair. And the kid obviously went to the mom and said something, and then the dad and I use that in bunny ears because that’s not a dad. That’s a sperm donor, then blamed the child for the breakup of the marriage. So that’s bad parenting, that is 110%. bad parenting. That’s too much of a burden for the child. Children should not be given adult secrets ever, ever. So, another thing that I see in divorce, besides the emotional incest, is let’s talk about the whole bad-mouthing the other party. Now, a lot of people mistake not bad-mouthing the other party who’s disordered and is abusive, with being quiet and condoning it somehow no, no, no, no, no, no.  There’s a big difference between pointing out behavior and bad-mouthing. Let’s talk about that. So bad parenting is bad-mouthing the other parent, calling them names, putting them down, doing essentially what a narcissist does, right? Name Calling put-downs, discards, devalues, etc. But what you can do is you can point out the behavior. Okay, your mom is doing this. But healthy people do this. Can you see the difference? That’s all you got to do. And that’s not putting them down. That’s not name-calling. That’s not. You’re calling out the behavior. So, you always want to point to the behavior. How are they behaving? What is their behavior? What is going on? Does that make sense? So bad parenting is where obviously parental alienation. But again, what is the motivation of that particular bad parenting thing?

So, let’s talk about this. Most of the time, when narcissists, malignant borderlines, malignant histrionics, etc., do bad parenting, it’s because they have an agenda. Because it’s a power and control. And it’s also maybe I’m abdicating responsibility. So that’s why those parents do what they do. It’s not that they suddenly, you know, decide one day to go through a book, every single stupid thing they could possibly do to a kid, it’s with an intent, there’s, there’s an agenda, there’s something else going on. So, the parental alienation is a power and control issue. The parental alienation is to get that child away from the healthy parent and siding with the abuser because then they can go…Hah! See, my child loves me more than you. That is not healthy parenting. Healthy parenting is the kid loves both. But the kid probably sees that there’s issues with one of the parents. That’s healthy parenting. So, it’s not a matter of getting them on your side, it’s not a matter of win-lose, you know, because that’s black and white thinking that’s splitting. And narcissists always have to win. And that’s why they do parental alienation. It’s not because they love their child and they want all of their attention all the time. Nine times out of 10, what I see happening is they do the parental alienation. They get the child full-time, either legally, or the child just says I don’t want to go over anymore. Because, you know, dad or mom says you did this, that the other thing and the child chooses to stay with the abuser. But then once they get the child, they start giving up time with them, or they don’t spend time with them, or they slough them off onto a babysitter or they, you know, start complaining about how expensive they are or whatever. And eventually, what I’ve also seen is that kid go back to the other parent and just go, okay, I get it, I saw it firsthand, I see this now, you know what I’m saying. But that’s with a with an abuser. Its parental alienation is a power and control issue. It’s a, I’m going to take something away from you, that is valuable and will hurt you. That’s what this is about. It’s not about spending time with the kid. They could care. They couldn’t care less about. Because they don’t, they don’t if they really truly cared about their child, they would make sure that there was not parental alienation going on.

Now. caveat, here’s another part of bad parenting that I’ve seen. And a lot of people coming out of abusive relationships do this. But it’s important for my child to be with that parent. Full stop. If that parent is abusive, and that parent is not wanting to spend time with that kid, count your lucky stars and take that child and spend as much time with that child if you possibly can, as you possibly can. Because here’s the deal. Narcissists really don’t care. And what I’ve seen also in bad parenting is the divorce will go through. They weren’t really around during the marriage. But then the divorce goes through. And suddenly, they’re gone. The abuser is gone. They’re off trying to find new supply. They’re off with maybe their new family. And they basically ignore the children from the first marriage. That’s what happened with my dad, with his kids. You know, when he married my mom, suddenly, my sisters and I were all, you know, all the thing, and the other two got ignored. So, um, and that’s bad parenting. You don’t do that when you have a kid; you have a kid for life. Like you know even when my mom was in her late 80s, and I was in my 50s, I am in my 50s, the early 50s. You know, she still was like, You’re going to, you’re going to come visit, I love seeing you. Let’s hang out, I miss you. You know, it’s like, she was still parenting me. She was still trying to parent me. And in a good way, not in a bad way. And, but narcissists give up time with their kids. They don’t want to spend time with them, sometimes not all the time sometimes. And they will abandon the child. And instead of going, what a godwink, some parents out of a mistaken thought or idea that that child needs that parent. No, no, no, madam. No, sir. They do not. If they are abusive and that parent has given up time. Thank Your Lucky Stars. You spend that time you mark down how many days are giving up, and then eventually you go back, and you file for full custody, or you file for more child support or whatever it is that you need. So yeah, so bad parenting is based in agendas, okay? It’s an agenda. It’s not what is for the greater good of the kid. It’s always me, me, me I, I, I, more, my genitals. It’s never about what is good for the child. So, I think that is the biggest thing that I see with narcissists and the behaviors that they Hello, the behaviors that they do. So, let’s see. Okay, and because I’m kind of on my own, I’m going to try to do the questions as they come up.

Do narcs tell the child secrets in the hopes that the child would tell the other parents so that they can punish the child? Yes. 110% the other parent so they can. Okay, it turns out, it seems the narc is always looking for a reason to show off and to punish. Yes, 110%. Again, there’s always an agenda. There’s always a game. Always, always, always. There’s always, you know, what’s in it for them. And because they are sadists, bad parents, narcissistic parents absolutely do trick the kids into doing something that will piss off the parent, so they have an excuse to punish them either verbally, or physically or emotionally because that’s just what these wankers do. Mostly, what I see with narcissistic parents. And this is another thing that damages the child incredibly is that they make the child responsible for them; they make the child responsible for their happiness, for their sadness for their being alone; they become parentified the child. So that’s bad parenting. parentified the child is horrible, because it puts, again, an undue burden on that kid to be responsible for things that their little brains cannot be responsible for.

Kris Godinez  18:42

And I’ve seen them parentify children as young as four, like, Oh, you’re four years old, you’re old enough to watch the younger child Nuhu wrong. Okay, I see a question.

Okay. How do you find trust and security after growing up in a chaotic, addicted household, okay? Trust insecurity starts here. It starts with you. You must be able to trust yourself. You must be able to be secure in yourself. And out of that, you will recognize people who are trustworthy versus people who are not trustworthy its trusting your gut. So, my suggestion would be getting The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. That’s, okay that’s another bad parenting. They don’t give us self-esteem. In fact, they give us the opposite. They give us low esteem, they, they teach us to not like ourselves. They teach us to put ourselves down. How we are spoken to as children is what then becomes our inner critic. Let me say that again. How we are spoken to as children becomes our inner critic. That’s what we hear. It just keeps getting spewed out just like, you know, my dad’s big thing was oh, you’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re cute. You’re stupid, right?

And it’s overcoming those messages, so it’s going to be working on your self-esteem. Self Esteem  workbook, Glen Schiraldi. The Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker getting rid of that codependency, The Inner Child Workbooks any of them, I don’t care go grab them work them, because we’re having to undo all of the mistaken thoughts and the mistaken beliefs that our abusers gave to us all of those nasty things they said to us, become our inner dialogue. So, we have to speak to ourselves with absolute kindness and absolute clarity and absolute. What’s the word? I’m looking for? Compassion and gentleness.

Question, Should I run away screaming from these red flags? Yes. If there’s, if there’s red flags, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. If you’ve got enough red flags that it’s starting to look like a communist parade, it’s time to get out. And actually, you want to train yourself so that even when there’s one red flag, you’re like, Okay, I know that one. See, ya wouldn’t want to be ya, you know what I’m saying? So yeah, you absolutely when you start seeing lots and lots of red flags, and there’s no movement or work on their part. They’re a narcissist, because even autistic people work on themselves, okay. They know when they’ve heard somebody, and they don’t like it. narcissists, on the other hand, enjoy it. So that’s kind of that kind of goes with that question that I had last week about autism versus narcissism. Autistic people can be very self-centered or very unemotional. Like, they don’t recognize emotions. But they can work on that. And that changes with them. With narcissists. It does not. So, if somebody is intentionally being avoidant, intentionally not sharing the emotional burden of whatever is going on. That’s a huge red flag. That is a huge red flag, especially if you’ve talked to them about it. And they’re still like, nope, nope, nope, nope, I’m not going to. I’m not going to participate because I’m feeling overwhelmed or threatened, or I don’t know what to do with it. So yeah, you want to be aware of red flags. And you definitely want to pay attention to them, and you want to act on them. You don’t want to just sit there and take it. I’m saying, Okay, so where was I? Okay, bad parenting.

Another thing that bad parents do that narcissists do when the narcissist abandons the kids, so like, makes it clear that they’ve chosen the second family makes it clear that that child is not important to them. And the reason it’s dark in here is because we have all the shades shut, trying to keep it cool. That child starts thinking that they’re not worth it, that, you know, obviously, I have no worth, or my mom or my dad would pay attention to me. So, this is where a lot of abandonment issues come in. So um, I would strongly recommend, again, get with a good trauma therapist if you had parents that called your names, prentified  you put you down, made you feel responsible. ignored you, or shared over shared, that’s all trauma, that is all trauma, all of the bad parenting that we had to put up with any and all of that is trauma. And we are going to get triggered, and we are going to if we don’t work on it if we’re not conscious about it, we start acting it out unconsciously. And you don’t want to do that. That’s why we tend to be attracted to people. That’s why the inner child does the picking. It’s why I keep saying the pickers broken. picker. Okay, hold on.

Is it common for a narcissistic mother to have lost? To have lots of children as a way for security and old age? Yes. 100%. My late narc mother expected children to look after her in her old age and became aggressive when we didn’t yes, that you know what? If you ever watched the movie Like Water for Chocolate, it’s an old movie 1990s. Like Water for Chocolate is all about a family who had these very strict roles that they had to play and generationally in that particular movie. The youngest child was assigned the role of never marrying and staying single and taking care of the mom. That was the role of the youngest child and I’m like, I wouldn’t run away. So it basically, the movie is all about how the youngest child rebels and falls in love, and of course, it has a tragic ending because it was an Academy Award winner what Academy Award winner doesn’t have a tragic ending? Anyway, great movie and that really shows how generational trauma, and it also shows the very confining roles that children are given by a narcissistic mother, so I strongly recommend that one. It’s called Like Water for Chocolate it is in Spanish, I think there is a dubbed version, but I don’t like dubbed versions because they always get it wrong. So, I like the What am I trying to say? The subtitles, thank you the subtitles, because you know, then you can kind of read along and, and all of that. So um, yes, they do have children in order to take care of them. Again, that is giving the child a job that is not theirs.

So, let’s talk a little bit more about that. Another bad parenting thing is that narcissists and disordered people will have children for absolutely the wrong reason. So, they’ll say, Oh, I’m going to have this baby to save my marriage. Please don’t, please, no, no, that is not the thing to do. So, giving a child a job before they’re even born is abusive and not fair. That’s not that kid’s job to save the marriage. Again, too much pressure onto a little one. That’s not their job. Plus, the fact children are extremely stressful to have if you’ve got a narcissistic partner, that partner will be jealous of that child, I can guarantee 110% they will demand that the mom pay attention to the narcissist rather than the new baby. And the baby will be left to cry in the crib. That’s what happened with one of my sisters. They’ll be ignored. They’ll be, you know, a burden you they’ll be, you know, etc., etc., etc.

Okay, can you talk about the Barbie parent one of uses and the other does nothing? Okay, I did a video on this a couple of weeks ago that very quickly. It’s really a frustrating situation. What will happen is that the enabler, let’s call him an enabler rather than a Barbie parent. An enabler will allow the abuse to happen, knows that the abuse is going on. And they’ll do absofreakinlutely, zip. And it’s because of their inner child. Well, but if I intervene, they’ll come after me. But if I intervene, they will punish me. That’s literally what they’re thinking. My mom did the same thing. I think I talked about this, you know, she knew point blank, my dad was abusing me, and I talked about it in my book, What’s Wrong with Your Dad, available on Amazon and audible. But I talked about how she was standing at the window one time he sexually molested me. And she knew what happened. And she was like, well, we don’t want to piss him off. Because, well, you know, we need the money. And what would we do without the money and da, da, da,. And I’m sitting here going, you know, now knowing her family history going, Wow, that was your inner child. So, it gives the message loud and clear that you’re not worth it to protect. That’s really what that saying to that kid. And that’s abusive. It is. Because the message is I’m more worried about me. And I’m not going to put myself out to protect you. So that then sets us up for a lifelong issue with abuse if we don’t work on our self-esteem, which is why I’m saying Self-Esteem Workbook Glen Schiraldi all the start working it because what our parents or non-protecting parents did or did not do had everything to do with them. And absolutely nothing to do with us. 110%.

Kris Godinez  28:39

So yeah, it just is crazy. And then let’s talk about incest, incest. So, my dad molested me. There are mothers, narcissistic mothers that they don’t parentify, they the only word I can hear in my head is they Babyize. That’s not it. But they make the child a child. They take away… infantilize. There we go. They infantize, I’m sorry, it’s been a really long day. We’ve been driving forever. I’m glad we’re home.  So, they infantize the child. That’s another way. So, they tell the child that they’re not competent. They don’t allow the child to cross the street on their own. They don’t allow the child to pick their own friends. They don’t allow the child to have a bank account. They don’t allow the child to learn how to manage money. They don’t allow the child to fill in the blank. And if you take that a step further, the really psychopathic ones turn those kids into second spouse so they will resist allowing the child having their own bedroom and own space and there was one I dealt with where we were just about to call CPS because they refused to get the kid who’s a teenager, their own bed, and I was like I know that technically CPS won’t find anything wrong with that, but knowing who this person is I have tons of issues with that. So um, yeah, absolutely.

Um, Why do narcissists talk about the person to others? The people who are wise to the narc think he’s odd, but it doesn’t seem like he sees that. No, of course, they… so narcissists are all about… it’s a popularity contest, okay, it’s a win or lose popularity contest, I must win, I must have the most likes, I must have all the friends, I must have everything. So, everything is black and white to them… all good, bad, nothing, you know, nothing, everything. You just see where I’m going with that. It’s like very split in their thinking. So, they start trying to gather flying monkeys to them. So, they will literally have seen them call up the parent of the sane spouse and start complaining to the parent about their child, fully expecting that parent to agree with them. Yeah, they’re. They’re cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. I’m not even kidding you. So, it’s a popularity contest. And it’s a I must win at all costs and smear campaign, and with the smear campaign, they absolutely want to cast aspersions on your character. So, they’re trying to make you untrustworthy, you know, they’re going to lie about you. They’re going to say you did X, Y, and Z when you didn’t. It also helps them look like the victim. Oh, this person did this that and the other thing to me, poor me, boohoo. And they get to play the victim. So, narcissists can flip between the different types of narcissism, they can be the victim, and then other times they can be grandiose, you know, so it just kind of depends.

Okay, trigger warning question. Can a parent molest you without touching you? Yes. That’s verbal incest. That is emotional incest. Sexual talk demanding hugs or touch. Yes, that makes 100% sense. So even though they don’t touch you. And this is something my dad would do. He would always tell the filthiest, and I mean, absolutely disgusting, inappropriate jokes in front of me or to me and expect me to be like, Oh, that’s funny. And so yeah, it is a grooming technique. This is what sexual abusers do is they groom. And they say things like that to gauge your reaction to see how resistant you are to that. So yeah, this is that’s a grooming technique. That’s abuse. 110%.

Okay, question. narcissist is like a small child themselves? Yeah, because they’re about two, seriously. When you’re looking at a narcissist, emotionally speaking, they are operating about at a two-year-old, if not below level. Is that part of the reason they infantilize their targets? No, that is not part of the reason. They infantilized their targets for power and control. If you can make somebody less than what they could possibly be, if you could make them doubt themselves, if you can make them dependent on you for literally everything, you win the war, that kid will never grow up, never move out, never get their own stuff. Never have a boyfriend or a girlfriend never grow. And so, it’s intentional. Again, everything they do is with an agenda. Their agenda for infantilizing is to have all the power so that you never leave them. It’s an automatic lifetime supply for their ego. So, it’s the narcissistic supply 110%. So bad parents. In contrast, good parents, their whole job is to get that child self-sufficient. Self-esteem, self-empowered self, what’s the word I’m looking for? It’s like they’re ambitious. They want to go. They love mom and dad, they want to visit, they want to, you know, visit the mom and dad, but they also want to go explore, and they want to go test out the waters and try the world and see what’s going on. So, a good parent allows that child to discover who they are and gives them the wings to fly. So, it’s not just you know, punting them out of the nest of 18 and go fly bitch. You know, it’s like, no, it’s like, here’s your wings. You know how to use them. We’re right here if you need us. Come have fun exploring, write when you get work, you know, like that kind of thing.

Okay, so given that the inner critic comes from the harmful parental messages, what do you think of the idea? I heard EMDR about befriending my inner critic. I think it’s a technique. I don’t think it would have worked for me. But if that works, then great, do it. You know, me coming from a CBT background. For me, it’s very helpful. And it’s very what’s the word I’m looking for? Cathartic. To really put that inner critic back where it belongs, it’s like, Oh, Hello, Bob, this is not my thought. This is not me. This is my dad’s bs. And guess what? Jackwagon I’m handing it right back to you. So, for me, the anger is cathartic. And you could be friend to the inner critic and try to help them but I kind of feel like that would be trying to befriend the abuser and trying to help them, but you know, if it works, great. If it doesn’t work, you tell your therapist and go nope. And going back to doing it this way. Or whatever works for you. Or if it works, Hazzah all you know that for me personally, it’s I love Pete Walker’s candidate back candy that is not ours. It was not our luggage, put it back on the carousel, it’s not ours. So that is hugely important. And you’d rather not befriend, either. Okay, good. Well, when you tell your therapist that because honestly, that’s kind of like befriending the abuser. Because that negative stuff came from the abuser. That’s nothing. I wouldn’t be friends with that. That’s something that you kick out. That is something… exorcise it. Gone, be gone, be gone. Not today’s Satan. You know that kind of thing.. But you hand it back to the person belongs to it’s, not yours. You don’t need it. It’s not yours. You don’t have to be friends with you don’t. You need to recognize it and go yup. That’s not my thought. That’s my mom. That’s my dad. That’s my grandparents. That’s whoever. Guess what I’m handing that thought  right back.  So, there is that.

Kris Godinez  36:54

Alright, so bad parenting, any and all of the things that we went through as kids, any and all of it. And if you will notice, the main theme for all of it is an insane lack of respect. They do not… bad parents do not respect themselves. But they also don’t respect their kids. And the kids are seen as an extension of them which they are not. They are their own little being or they are seen as a burden. So again, it’s that split thinking it’s like, you know, good bad, black, white, all nothing. So, the kids are a mini me, which is not good. And they try to turn them into the golden child and put them into these neat little boxes. That’s bad parenting.

Or, oh God, here’s something else I’ve seen narcissists do that. Just it angers me so much. So, the child will be a hugely talented artist, say for example, either singing or arts, or, you know, crafts or painting or theater or whatever. And the parent being jealous and not understanding the art that they are doing, or maybe not liking it, or maybe because they can’t do it tells the child No, they can’t do it. No, you need to do that. No, you want you want this. So, they tell the kid you want something when they don’t want something, and they will redirect the child to go do a different thing. It’s not their thing.

That’s so damaging. I cannot even begin to tell you how damaging that is. So, when you have a child, and you tell that child No, you don’t want that you want this. The kid has got people pleasing going on anyway, that’s setting them up to be even more of a people pleaser, putting themselves completely on the backburner and doing something to support or help or make that parent like them. So, the kid gives up ballet, or dance or art or painting or singing or piano or trombone, or whatever. And they regret it the rest of their lives because they know that that’s what they love to do. And meanwhile, their parent made them go, say for example, go play sports or vice versa. The kid is really good at sports, and they shove him into some sort of art program. It’s like no, you play to the kid’s strength and the kid is athletic and put them on athletic stuff. If the kid is artistic, put them in artistic stuff. That Narcissus cannot listen to me now, believe me later. They cannot tolerate or handle differing opinions. So, if you like something and the narcissist doesn’t understand it, they’re going to insist that you do what they do understand. 110% And that is so damaging to kids because, again, what is the message? The message is my wants and needs are not important. And that’s not okay, because then that makes us grow up into. Oh, no, that’s okay. I’m going to be a martyr, which is not us either. That’s them. That’s the covert stuff. Oh, no, that’s okay. I’m going to put my stuff on the back burner. That’s okay. I don’t need to do that. No, that’s all right. Then you start settling, and where does it stop? That’s a really slippery slope. Because it’s like, you start settling in one area, you’re going to start settling in another, don’t settle. Absolutely. If you are in love with sports, go do it. If you’re in love with the arts, go do it. And it’s never too late to start. And that is something I really, really, truly want to point out. So many clients of mine come to me, and they’re like, Ah, I wish I’d known this when I was 20. I wish I’d known this when I was in my 40s. I wish I’d known this earlier. It’s too late. No, it’s not. Now granted, if you’re a singer, you’re, and you’re in your 50s, you’re probably not going to get on American Idol and go win the thing. But there is nothing to stop you from singing. There is nothing to stop you from performing. There is nothing to stop you from doing local community theater. There is nothing to stop you from playing in local bands. John plays trombone he plays with the Maricopa County, MCC, the community college. He plays with the with the band there. And he also has another band that he goes and plays in Mesa. He loves it. And I encourage it. And that’s what healthy people do. They encourage each other to do the things that they love. If a parent is discouraging a child from doing something they love, oh my God, that’s abuse, that is abuse, it is abuse, it is not letting that kid be that kid and enjoy what they know they enjoy. So, there is that.

And on a smaller scale. Whenever a narcissistic parent tells a child, Oh, you don’t want this, you want that. They’re doing the thinking for them. And that makes the kid dependent on them. And pretty soon, the kid doesn’t know how to do something without that parent. And that’s when you get couples that are very codependent. What do you want for dinner? I don’t know. What do you want for dinner? Well, I don’t know. What do you want for dinner? I can guarantee you if you look at their background, their parents probably were the type that told them what they wanted. And it wasn’t okay for them to express Well, geez, tonight I want Italian. Or geez, tonight. I want Mediterranean Oh, geez, tonight, I want Chinese or geez, tonight…Do you see where I’m going with that. Because then the parent be like No, no, you don’t want that. Because that’s not what I want. Do you see where I’m going with that one?

They do it in the grocery store. I talked about this the other day when a child says, you know, oh, you know, I want that candy bar. Instead of going well, honey, I know you want it, but you cannot have it. We’ll get it maybe next. You’ve been following through on your word. They go no, you don’t want that Candy bar Actually yeah, the kid does want that candy bar. So, what you’re doing is you’re telling the child not to trust their own perception. Is there an agenda behind that? Oh, you betcha. Because then they’re basically saying no, no, you don’t see the pink elephant taking a crap in the corner of the living room. When you do see pink elephant taking a crap and call me. Do you see where I’m going with that? So, they absolutely try to make us doubt ourselves. Make us not trust our own gut. Make us not believe what we see that whole thing. So, all of the things that we went through as kids are bad parenting, and if you notice, the main theme is disrespect. And it’s the agenda. They have an agenda. There’s an agenda behind. There’s 100%. You know, what’s in it for me? How is this going to benefit me? How is this going to make aggrandized me? That’s all of their stuff.

So, good parenting is the polar opposite of bad. It’s lots of compassion, lots of understanding, which narcissists don’t have, lots of reflective listening, making sure that the message is received, lots of good communication. That’s a good parent. So, as we have kids or grandkids or great-grandkids, or whatever, it’s really important to check in and make sure that you’re not getting triggered and that you’re not perpetuating the generational trauma. Just because it happened to you doesn’t mean you have to act it out on another generation.

Okay, do narcs have an evil face? Yes. When I remember my narc, I do not just see her face but something evil in the way she looked. Yeah. 100% 100%. Okay. They put on a mask for a certain amount of time. But when that mask finally slips and falls completely off their true intention. The true intention is It is there. And yeah, they are evil, 110%. And I’m sick and tired of apologists who are like, Oh, they just are like they weren’t loved enough as children. No, no, that’s not the issue there is there’s something missing with them. They’re missing a cog. They do not feel they do not feel love the way that you and I feel love. They have no empathy. They literally they can do the most heinous things and go straight to sleep. Whereas the rest of us, if we do something that we’re we think we’ve harmed somebody, I can guarantee you that we’re sitting up there going, Ah, geez how do I make this right? okay, I’ve got to make this apology. And, wow, I hope I didn’t screw up, you know, and then we go fix it, you know, we face the consequences of making a mistake. Whereas narcissists, they, don’t they? Absolutely, yeah, like, here’s going sideways today. They absolutely don’t face the consequences of what they’ve done. They don’t make apologies that are real. So that’s, that’s another thing, a good parent, when they screw up, the kid acknowledged it, makes amends, and makes sure that it never happens again. So, and that’s, I think the big difference is that bad parenting is ego based. good parenting is self-esteem based.

Kris Godinez  46:31

It’s like, how can I be the best guide to this little one that I’ve been given, so that they grow up with good self-esteem, and they grow up with confidence, and they grow up with listening to their gut, and trusting themselves, etc. So really and doing all of this stuff all boils down to self-esteem, working with the inner children. So Inner Child Workbook, Catherine Taylor is experiential. So that is the one where she has you hold yourself as a baby and rock yourself and see if anything comes up. And then another one is where she has you spread out a blanket and you know, smear food on your head. I actually had fun with that one. But um, you know, and see what comes up and it’s experiential, the Lucia Cappacchione Reclaiming Your Inner Child, is you write the child with the non-dominant hands and the adult with the dominant hands, can you have a conversation back and forth. So whichever one works the best, do that, or you can do both, you know. And it’s funny what you discover working both of them soft; some stuff comes up with the experiential, and the other one comes up with the doing the writing. So, it’s really important to work with the little ones inside and understand that they were victims of bad parenting and that you get triggered because of what happened to them. And sometimes I know people, when they start working with their inner children, they either are feeling anger towards them, or disgust or whatever, and that’s your abusers. That’s not you. That’s your abusers. That little one that you’re having the hardest time with needs your love and needs, your compassion, needs to have their handheld and told, hey, you know what? It’s going to be okay. I love you; I hear you. I hear you. I believe you. I know what you went through. And I’m sorry you had to go through it. And let me just tell you a little one. Nobody’s going to do that to you again because I will break my foot off in their ass, you know what I’m saying? So, you let them know that they’re safe, and you talk to your little one inside of you. So, you can do like guided imagery.

You know, it’s like, you go someplace safe in your head. You call them to you. And you sit them on your lap and hug them and kiss them and say, Hey, I love you, you’re a good little one, I love you. What do you need? Ask them what they need. And nine times out of 10, that little kid is going to say I just need to be protected. Or I just need to be heard. Or I just need to be believed. Let them know I believe you. I will protect you. I am protecting you now. I believe you, I hear you. Absolutely 100%. You’re important to me. And I think that’s important because the message a lot of us got growing up with bad parenting is we didn’t get that message that we were important at all. And we didn’t get that message that we were believed or heard or truly loved, or respected or anything else because the narcissist doesn’t know how to do any of that.

So all right, I think that was pretty much it on bad parenting. If you find yourself, you know, mom or dad come flying out of your mouth. First of all, forgive yourself. It’s going to happen, guys; it’s going to happen. So, when that happens, you just acknowledge it, and you clean it up. And then you do work on that you basically write mom and dad letter and be like, you do not get to come flying out of my mouth anymore, you do not get to hurt another generation. Does that make sense? So, you basically evict them. So CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving Pete Walker, the Self-Esteem Workbook, Glen Schiraldi The Disease to Please Harriet Braiker, Inner Child Workbook, Katherine Taylor, Reclaiming Your Inner Child by Lucia Cappacchione. All of these are going to help you as parents and grandparents, great grandparents, to not keep continuing the generational trauma. And really love that little child inside of you, or those little children different ages inside of you.

So, love that little one inside of you love them. And if disgust or anger or whatever comes up, put it on hold, you can put it on oh my gosh, thank you put it on hold and figure out where that Disgust is coming from because it’s not you. It’s not you. 110% It is not you. That little child did not deserve disgust or anger or blame or, you know, whatever, you’re a burden, whatever they said did not deserve that did not deserve that. So, you undo that. So that’s what people ask. They’re like, Okay, what is re parenting yourself. So, re parenting yourself is confronting that inner critic, writing it out, sending it back to the people it belongs to, but then replacing it with what a good parent would say. So when you’re doing the mirror work, you’re literally talking to your inner child, seriously, you’re talking to your subconscious, you’re talking to the inner child, and you do things like Hey, good to see you have a great day, I give you permission to like yourself, or I give you permission to be competent, or I give you permission to be funny, or I give you permission to have all of your emotions. It’s okay, I’m right here and I got your back. Then you walk out, because that’s what a good parent would say.

So anyway, I think that is it. If there’s any last questions, please let me know because I’m about to put a fork in it for today. It is really hot. So just so we left June 23, we’re back July 23. About three days after we left, we started getting emails from our house sitter it’s hot in here. And because it has been so ridiculously hot in Phoenix, or air conditioner could not keep up. So, we’re keeping it like what 80, 81, 83. Anyway, it’s hot. It’s really. I see I see a new air conditioner in my future. So, thank you guys. Oh my gosh, I’m so anyway, I just want to reaffirm is that we all had if we came from families of origin of a chaotic and abusive and this and that the other thing. We all had bad parenting. And everyone saw that bad parenting is going to come flying out of our mouths. And the difference is we recognize it. And we can do something about it. So, and we can change it and we can clean it up.

Oh, I love you guys too. And you know, that’s something I wanted to tell you guys. I love my fan base. You guys are so awesome. And I really love the fact that we have a community forum where people feel loved and heard, and supported. And thank you, thank you for being loving and concerned and supportive for each other and everybody. So that is awesome. All right, guys. I think that is it. I cannot for the life of me remember what I’m talking about next week. So, I’ll go figure it out. Any questions that I missed I’ll go back through the chat and make sure I caught all the questions, and I’ll answer other questions on Wednesday. So, there is that, all right, my love’s you guys go be awesome. Take good care of yourselves. Drink plenty of water, be careful in this extreme heat if you’re in an area that’s got the extreme heat. And I will talk to you on Wednesday and then we’ll see you on Sunday. Talk to you guys later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.

The post 07-23-2023 Bad Behavior in Parenting appeared first on Kris Godinez.

When a person comes out of an abusive relationship, they almost inevitably have anxiety. When a person is stressed out and at survival the amygdala enlarges and the anxiety increases. The good news is that with mindfulness, the amygdala shrinks.

In this episode of We Need To Talk With Kris Godinez, Kris discusses anxiety and why almost every single survivor of abuse has anxiety. She also discusses what you can do to help mitigate it.

Link mentioned in this episode: Signs of Anxiety, PsychologyToday.com

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Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor, betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

We are not in our normal spot. We are in Trinidad, California, right now. Just enjoying the cool. Can’t say I’m loving Trinidad really a lot. They were not very friendly as far as it comes to dog-friendly restaurants. And then we go to get takeout, and they’re like two hours away from closing, and they’re like up. Nope, we’re busy. We don’t do takeout. And I’m like, You’re a tourist town. Oh, don’t get me started. So, needless to say, I’m not probably going to come back here. But anyway.

Um, current events, let’s talk about current events. So, I was reading today that they are investigating the FDA is investigating another brand of energy drinks. And I just, I cannot stress to you, energy drinks, no bueno for your body, they usually have a lot of caffeine, like something like three or four cans of sodas worth of caffeine. They’ve got like tons of sugar. They have other things in them. You know, it’s really, it’s ooh, it’s not good. And I know a lot of people use the energy drinks because, you know, they’re they need the boosts, they’re super busy, etc., etc., etc. So yeah, it just don’t do energy drinks. They’re not good for you. Not the caffeine is good for you anyway, and I’m guilty of drinking coffee. But it just it’s scary to me when people start getting addicted to the energy drinks. And you know, it causes problems, guys, it does. You don’t want to get addicted literally to anything if you can help it.

So, and I think the biggest concern is that they’re questioning what else is in there besides the huge amount of caffeine, which by the way, if you drink too much caffeine, it can cause heart. What’s it called afibia? No, not afibia. Heart palpitations, it did a Bonguda, Bonguda, Bonguda, Bonguda, and not in a good way. So, um, anyway, just, you know, if you’re drinking those energy drinks, I really encourage you to get off of them. You know, wean yourself off, try something else. Arhythmia. Thank you. That was the word I was looking for. Not Bonguda, Bonguda. Bonguda. And anyway, just, you know, I don’t know, it just it bothers me that companies put stuff into it. And it’s, it’s now getting investigated. I don’t even know the name of the thing. It wasn’t one that was well known. But anyway, it was on the AP, so and I happen to see that, and I was like, oh, and I know a lot of people use energy drinks. So honestly, just don’t do it. Don’t do it. Water is great. And and taking care of yourself. teas are great. You know, coffee if you have to in the morning. And then don’t drink caffeine after like noon, because otherwise, you’re going to be all funky dunky with your sleep schedule. So, all right.

And speaking of which, if you drink too much caffeine, it will create a lot of anxiety because your heart is pounding like crazy. It kind of mimics a panic attack. So, let’s talk about anxiety. So, I named this a case of the nerves because people were asking about anxiety in regard to post traumatic stress disorder. So, post-traumatic stress disorder complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. One of the things it used to be in with the anxiety disorders, which is interesting. Now it’s in with the trauma disorders. So um, one of the things about PTSD is that people get a huge amount of anxiety, we start having nightmares, we start avoiding things that remind us of our abuse. We have panic attacks. So, I want to go into all of that and how to help yourself with that, of course, a sense of foreshortened future, like a sense of doom, that is very common in people that have come out of abusive relationships.

So, let’s excuse me, let’s talk about why. So, first of all, let’s talk about the physical things that are going on when you have anxiety. So basically, what’s going on is your amygdala your amygdala is enlarged, your amygdala is working overtime. And they’ve shown this in study after study after study on anxiety and amygdala is our amygdala is enlarged, and it’s working overtime to try to keep us safe, because we’ve had abuse either from a family of origin or from, you know, romantic partner, a boss, coworker, whatever.

So, the amygdala is job. The amygdala is a little almond-shaped organ that sits about an inch inside of each ear. Its job is to keep us safe, which is normally great. But if it’s enlarged, and we’re hyper-vigilant, meaning we’re looking for danger, looking for danger, looking for danger, looking for danger, where’s the danger? Where’s the danger? This little guy is going to be on steroids, seriously. So, this little guy sits about an inch behind each year. It’s almond-shaped, and when it perceives a threat now, here’s the thing, a threat can be anything to the amygdala because the amygdala cannot tell the difference between an energy drink making your heart pound, okay? Or no, I’m serious. amygdalas are really stupid. They’re like three O’s, oh, my god, stooopid! They cannot tell the difference between heart pounding because of an energy drink. Or a threat, a thought. You think about something threatening. You smell something that reminds you of when you were abused. You hear something, you see something, you taste something, this all makes the amygdala go. OMGOMGOMG! And then, it tells the hippocampus and the hypothalamus to release cortisol. So, cortisol is our stress hormone. So, we start tensing up right, now we’ve cut off the oxygen to our lungs, our heart is pounding, okay, we’re taking in puffy little breaths that don’t go anywhere. racing thoughts, racing heart. And at this point, the brain goes, Oh, my God, oh, my God, we need energy to get out of here. Oh, my God. And it tells another part of the brain, which is a little further down on the brainstem. So, a little bit more reptilian. We need adrenaline we need adrenaline. So, it tells the adrenal gland to release everything at once. So now we’re really shaking like a leaf, racing thoughts racing thoughts pounding heart pounding heart.

Kris Godinez  07:35

And at this point, we do one of two things, we either go into your stereotypical panic attack, which is the print and then we keel over, or we turn into the Incredible Hulk, we get angry, we get really, really, really rageful angry. And it’s a trauma response. It’s a way to keep people away from us, it’s a way to stay safe. The other thing that happens, and we’re going to talk about how to deal with that hold on. The other thing that happens too, is we have this generalized anxiety, we have this generalized sense of doom, you know, like, Oh, I’m not going to live very long or, or, you know, gosh, I just feel like something bad is going to happen. Well, it’s because when we were kids, or when we were with the abuser, something bad happened on damn near a daily basis. So, it’s that, you know, trying to stay safe again, trying to predict what’s going to happen. So, if we go for the negative, and it doesn’t happen, then Oh, good, you know, but if we go for the negative, and it does happen, then, okay, I knew that was going to happen. So, it’s a weird way of keeping ourselves safe.

So, to give you a couple of examples, when I was a child, my dad was literally a loose cannon, like, you never knew which way he was going to go flying across the deck. Okay. And whenever we went someplace new, I threw up because I was such a nervous wreck. I never knew how he was going to behave. Was he going to embarrass us? Was he going to scream at us? Was he going to hit us? Was he going to, you know, do something stupid, you know, and you usually did. So, um, so we get this, you know, anticipation of bad things happening, or we get this generalized anxiety. It’s like, oh, it’s someplace new. I don’t know what’s going to happen. And that, for me as a kid, that was the big thing. That’s why I threw up because I didn’t know what was going to happen. It was like, something’s going to happen. I just don’t know what. And so, I would throw up. That was the only thing I had control for. So um, so we get this anxiety, we get this incredible sense of anxiety, we get social anxiety, we get afraid to leave our house, we get agoraphobia, where we don’t want to go anywhere, or we get anxiety where it’s like, ooh, too many people. Now I also have had that happen to me. So like John and I, one time when we lived in LA, we went to one of the malls. And it was during Christmas time, and I remember turning to him and going get me the hell out of here yesterday. Get me out because I was starting to have a panic attack, and there’s just too many people bumping into you and the whole thing and it just didn’t feel safe. So um, so yeah, so anxiety is kind of part and parcel of PTSD. That’s just what happens to us because we’ve had so many bad things happen. And because our inner child is trying to keep us safe and anticipating, well, what if this happens? And what if that happens? What if, what if? What if? What if? So, basically, what happens is our subconscious starts living in what if? What if this happens? What if that happens? So, when we’re living in what if we’re in anxiety all the time because we’re trying to see what’s going to happen? What’s, you know, what’s going to happen now? What’s going to happen now, what’s going to happen now?

So what ifs are your clue that you need to check into what you’re thinking? Okay, so let’s back it up to the panic attack, and we’re going to tackle all the other forms of anxiety. So, when we have a panic attack, it’s because something our thoughts, something we saw, something we heard, something we tasted, something we smelled, made the amygdala go, Oh, my God, here, now, here, now here. And now it’s because the amygdala cannot tell the difference, like I said, between an energy drink making your heart pound, and fear making your heart pound or a thought that’s dangerous, or something that reminds you of your abuser. It’s all here, now, here, now, here, now, here, now, no logic, okay? So, when you realize you’re having a panic attack, what is your first clue that you’re starting to have a panic attack? So, for a lot of people, their first clue is their clenching up, that’s their, and holding their breath, that’s what we do. It’s like we hold our breath, and we clench up, okay? Or you can feel the heat rise, that’s another way to know that you’re starting to have a panic attack.

For some people, they don’t know they’re having a panic attack until they’re into the point where they are, and that’s fine. You know, it’s like, wherever you can catch it. That’s okay. So basically, as soon as you know you’re having a panic attack, the best thing to do is to take a super deep breath and hold it. So, you just and then force your shoulders down, force your chest out so that you’re kind of relaxing that whole area, and then slowly let it out. And as you’re letting it out, I’m safe. I’m okay brain, shut the bleep up. I’m fine. Everything everything’s okay, there is no saber-toothed Tiger. It’s all good. Let it go. We’re okay. You know, and you kind of do some self-soothing, it takes about five minutes for the adrenaline to flood out of the system. So, you’re going to have to sit there and do really, really slow, deep breathing with self-soothing.

So, remember, when we’re having a panic attack, it’s generally because our inner child is freaking right, the bleep out. So, you, you comfort yourself, the way you would in a small child, you’re safe. You’re okay. Everything’s fine. It’s all good. You’re good. Nothing’s going to hurt you. It’s okay. Try rubbing your arms, try rubbing your legs, remind yourself that you’re in the here and now, and everything’s good. So that’s the other thing is that what also causes panic attacks, flashbacks. When we are in flashback mode, and we are having a full-blown oh my god, this reminds me of my abuser. Holy crap. Oh, you know, it sends us into a complete and total panic, you know, being accused of something you didn’t do. That’s enough to send me into a rage. Usually, it’s like, Oh, hell no, we’re not playing that game. You know what I’m saying? So yeah, I mean, that’s, it’s part and parcel of PTSD. So breathing is going to be your best friend and self-soothing as you’re allowing your system to calm down. That’s another reason why I think energy drinks are a really bad idea for us. I really do because we can’t handle that. That arrhythmia. We can’t. Our bodies are just like, Nah, you know? So, I’m okay. So, I have some articles that I wanted to talk about.

Signs and symptoms of anxiety and this is on Psychology Today. Why do I feel like something terrible is about to happen, a sense of impending doom is a common accompaniment to bouts of anxiety and especially panic attacks. Not only may it seemingly strike out of the blue, but it also tends to exacerbate the anxiety. The more it exacerbates that sense of impending doom because we’ve had a panic attack. We know what that feels like. We don’t want another one. And oh my god, I don’t want it. I don’t want it. Oh my God, I don’t want it. I don’t want it. Well, if we’re focusing on that, guess what? We’re going to have it because our body is just like, well, we’re just going to do that so you can stop worrying about it. The feeling that something bad is about to happen is triggered by the body’s response when the mind senses a threat, hormones cortisol released are as part of the body’s stress response, put the brain on high alert, scanning relentlessly for danger. So like danger, where’s the dangerous danger, high alert, hyper, hypervigilance, hypervigilance. And if there is none there, we sometimes manufacture with the what ifs in order to get over it seriously. So, this is why we’ve got to do a two-pronged approach. It’s got to be a physical thing. And then we’ve also got to rein in that what if, what if, what if? And if you hear, well, what if this and what if that, that’s your clue to just totally tell that to shut the bleep up? Seriously, thank you for your input. Oh, kitty cat. Shut the bleep up. Sorry. Shut the bleep up. I’m not playing that game. I’m not living in a future that has not happened. And that’s the really important part is that it hasn’t happened. You’re living in a future that has not happened.

Okay, hormones, high alert. Relentlessly scanning for danger. And a strong stress response can lead to the feeling that catastrophe awaits. measures to tamp down the stress response, such as deep breathing for a few minutes, can dampen the sense of impending doom. So yes, absolutely. You want to take good care of yourself, recognize your anxiety triggers. So, you know, for me, it’s anxiety too many people. Recognizing, you know, hey, if somebody is accusing me of something I didn’t do, Oh, hell yeah. Game on, you know, I mean, it’s, it’s almost figuring out what your triggers are, write them down, write them down, challenge them, write them down, take your power back. I mean, they’re, they’re there to kind of protect you.

Kris Godinez  16:44

But now they’ve gone into what’s the word I’m looking for. They’re no longer helpful. They’re hurtful. So, write them down, challenge them, reaffirm that you’re safe, and you’re okay, and everything’s fine. And this is something to work on, seriously. And then baby steps, seriously, baby steps. So, if, for example for so for me going someplace new, it took years, probably until I left home, to get over that whole throwing up when I went someplace new because I was such a nervous wreck. Well, part of that also was getting away from my abuser. Because I realized it had to do with my dad because it was like he was a loose cannon, I didn’t know what he was going to do; was scary. You know, never knew if he was going to be kind or mean or embarrassing, or whatever. So, getting away from the abuse honestly helps. The second thing we need to do is work on The Inner Child Workbook by Catherine Taylor or Lucia Cappacchione. Why, because you’re dealing with all that trauma that happened when you were a little kid, that’s affecting us now, as an adult, and you want to challenge that stuff, and comfort that child, and make sure that child knows they are loved. They are heard, they are believed, and you’re going to protect them, and you will break your foot off in anyone’s hind in that tries to hurt them. That’s really what it’s about. Because we didn’t get protected. I talked about that last week; we did not get protected as kids. So, it’s really important to work with your inner child around the anxiety that came from somewhere.

So sometimes, too anxiety is a learned behavior. So, if we had a super anxious parent, we’ve picked that up. So again, fleas, so if it’s not yours, and it belongs to Mom or Dad, that’s when you have to separate it out, write it out, is this a fear of mine? Or is this a fear of mom and dads? Or is this a fear of grandparents? Or is this a fear of a teacher? Or is this a fear of whatever? Whoever taught the fear? You know, and is it real? Or is it just a fear? So, fear, false evidence appearing? Real fear is just a thought, you know, so is this something that you need to be freaking out about? Or is this something that you’re trying to plan for in the future? And if it is, take your power back live in the present moment, that is really the best way to get rid of that kind of anxiety.

Okay, going on. So, um, let me see if I can find the title of this one. So, this is just called Signs of Anxiety, and it’s on Psychology Today. Okay, hold on, it feels like we’re going to have a heart attack because we have the heart palpitations. That’s why. So, one thing that I tell my clients to do if they’re in the middle of a panic attack, and they’re like, oh my god, I’m going to I’m going to have a heart attack. Raise your hands above your head. Oh, look, you can raise your hands above your head. If you’re having a heart attack. You couldn’t do that. Can you stand up? Oh, yeah, you can. You’re fine. But that’s a way to shut that brain off when it starts going. What if. What if. What if. Oh my god, I’m dying. I’m dying. I’m dying. No, you’re not. You’re having a panic attack. It’s okay. So, this is common, guys. When I was in college, I would have panic attacks thinking I was dying. So, you bet. Absolutely.

When you And why, why? Well, when you get away from your abuser, and you start working on yourself, and you start challenging those basic assumptions that they gave you that were wrong, that were incorrect, it causes a lot of cognitive dissonance, it causes a lot of fear, we start realizing that the family that we thought we had, that we thought was supportive was not that, in fact, we had been orphans our entire life, and just didn’t know it until we started working on ourselves. So, you know, realizing that we are kind of alone and that we are kind of working on all of this lovely baggage that was handed to us that wasn’t even ours. Yeah, that can cause a lot of cognitive dissonance, it can cause a lot of what ifs, it can cause a lot of anxiety, I mean, abso-freakin-lulely. PTSD is not fun, and I don’t recommend it for most people. It’s not something you want to do. So um, but the point being is, is that you’re not crazy.

This is part and parcel of healing, unfortunately. So, it’s learning how to cope with the anxiety, kind of pushed through the anxiety so that you are running the anxiety, and the anxiety is not running you. It’s a bully, think of it as another abuser, that’s really a good way to think about it. It’s kind of like another abuser. Because why? Because it stops us from doing things, it stops us from going out, it stops us from going to like malls, it stops us, because we try to start avoiding all the things that make us anxious.

So, and social anxiety, this is huge for us as survivors. Why? Well, if we had truly crazy parents, they didn’t know how to socialize, they didn’t know how to be a normal human being, you know, and so going out into public was always an incredibly stressful thing. At least it was for me because it was like, what is what stupid thing is he going to do now? What horrible thing is he going to say about his family? Now? How is he going to embarrass us? Is he going to hit us? Is he going to, you know, say something stupid, you know what, you know? So? And and, and I talked about this in my book, what’s wrong with your dad? Um, you know, you get a reputation unfairly because of the crazy parent. You know, it’s like, oh, yeah, I know those people. Yeah, I don’t want anything to do with them. And it’s like, I have nothing to do with my dad. I’m not him. Thanks for playing. So yeah, it creates this sense of I can’t go out because I’m going to be associated with this crazy family, or I can’t go out because I don’t know what my abuser is going to do. You know? So, it’s totally normal. This is totally, totally normal.

So, all right, signs and symptoms. Let’s go back. Okay, why does my body shake? It’s because of the cortisol. You can’t concentrate. When you have anxiety. You feel like you can’t breathe because you’re holding your breath. It is a fear response. And yes, children do get anxiety they absolutely do. And it is a learned behavior. So that is the biggest thing to remember. Okay, let me see. Is this the one I wanted to look at? No, this is not the one I wanted to look at. Let’s look at PTSD. Okay.

So post-traumatic stress disorder. It causes unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event, reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again, flashbacks. And that’s because of the amygdala. So, the amygdala, like I said, cannot tell the difference between past, present, future, thinking about a threat, smelling a threat, hearing a threat tasting a threat, you know, it’s all here. Now, here. Now, here now, right here, right now. It’s happening. It’s happening. It’s happening. So, you’ve really got to be able to be like, Nope, I am safe. I am okay. In this present moment. My abuser is not here. I’m all right. So, calming yourself down, dealing with the amygdala. So, when you bring oxygen back into the system, so you take the big deep breath, and you hold it for a little bit, and you let it out, self-soothing, I’m safe. I’m okay. Everything’s fine. What that does is that tells the brain that released the adrenaline, oh, we’ve got oxygen, we’re safe. Okay, I can shut down the adrenaline process. Okay, cool beats. So, it starts shutting that down. And then as you keep breathing, the hippocampus and hypothalamus also go, Oh, we don’t need to be tensed up so, we’re ready to fight, fight, freeze or give in fawn. So that’s what that is all about.

Kris Godinez  24:59

So, PTSD, upsetting dreams or nightmares so people often wake up from it I wake up in the morning having a panic attack, not knowing why. Because we don’t always remember our dreams. And especially because we can believe it or not, we can dissociate when we’re dreaming. So, it’s like something happens. In our dreams, we wake up panic attack, but we don’t know why. Well, obviously, we were dreaming about something that was traumatic, obviously. And our brain just kind of went, nope, nope, not going to remember it. So, it’s enough to know that something triggered you, you were dreaming about something, I strongly recommend keeping a dream journal. So you can start writing things down. When you go to sleep at night, this is really important. You’re going to give yourself the suggestion that you sleep well. So, what I like, remember how we do the mirror work. So, the mirror work in the morning is going to be Hi, good to see you. Have a great day, I give you permission to like yourself, go be awesome. And then you walk out, right? At night, especially if you’re having panic attacks in the morning. Now you can do the whole Hey, good to see you. Again, here are three things you did right, which is always great. But the other thing you can do is add in, you know what, you’re going to sleep safely and soundly. And you’re going to have happy dreams, and then you go to bed. So, you give yourself that suggestion that that’s what’s going to happen that night. It may not happen immediately. But the more you tell your subconscious, this is what I want, the more the subconscious will start going, Oh, okay, we’re going to dream happy dreams. And how do I know this works? Well, a few years ago, I had to have a colonoscopy. And I told John, I will be having nice happy dreams about Oded Fehr, right. So, I come out of recovery. And the nurse goes to China and goes who’s Odin? babbling about? Good, fair. He’s an actor. He’s cute. Anyway, um, so yeah, it happens. So, but it takes practice. So, all of this takes practice because we’re having to undo all of the damage that the abuse has done, to our psyche, to our subconscious, to our self-esteem, to our sense of safety, to our sense of everything. So, a sense of safety is really the key to getting rid of the anxiety. So little kids are the ones who do the well. What if this? And what if that? What if I plan for this? And what if I play? You know, I’ll do I’ll do this, and it’ll be fine. And you know that kind of thing. So, you’ve got to calm down the little, the little inner child, comfort them. It’s great to come up with plans.

That’s great. One, maybe two plans. That’s it. And then you don’t allow the thought process to keep going, well, I’m going to do this, if that happens. And I’m going to do that. No, we’ve already done that. We have a plan. We know what we’re doing. It’s okay. Let it go. So seriously, keep a dream journal. Allow yourself to remember your dreams. Allow yourself to dream happy dreams. It’s okay. It’s really, really okay. Work on that, that is a huge thing to do. Okay, hold on just a second. One more thing. I wanted to get to severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event. Absolutely. stomach aches, somatic things, headaches, muscle aches, you know? Absolutely. And emotional distress. So, our bodies keep score, Bessel Van de Kolk. Great guy, I’m actually going to be going to a continuing education conference with both him and Dr. Ramani. I get to see them both. I’m so excited. So, I’m going to you know, I’ll bring back whatever I learned from them, which is awesome. That’ll be in October. Okay, so avoidance, we try to avoid things that causes anxiety, negative changes in thinking and mood, and negative thoughts about ourselves or other people in the world. hopelessness about the future, sense of doom, memory problems, not remembering important aspects of the traumatic events, difficulty maintaining close relationships, feeling detached from family and friends, lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed, difficulty experiencing positive emotions, feeling emotionally numb.

So, we do that with PTSD because it’s kind of like, well, if I’m happy, somebody’s going to ruin it. Like, seriously, that was my thought when I was having to live in the house with my dad because if I was happy, I knew he would ruin it. So, you know, and then he would get mad at me for being a moody teenager. And I’m just like. You can’t have it both ways. Anyway. Um, so yeah, so we do that. It’s kind of like we ruin it ourselves. So, nobody else can. Or we protect ourselves by not having close friends because we don’t want to get hurt. So, but it’s a way of really not living. So, it’s also a way of allowing the abuser to win, so don’t allow the abuser to win! You’ve got to be able to be like, Okay, this is my anxiety. This is my fear false evidence appearing real. What can I do to mitigate it and still go have a lovely fun life? Because I get to, you get to, you get to, and then clearly the message we got growing up was, oh, don’t you dare and it’s not okay and blah, blah, blah. So, my suggestion would be also writing letters to whoever created the anxiety around you. And basically, taking your power back. It’s like, Look, mother clicker, you’re dead. You have no power over me anymore. Or Look, Mother Clucker. I’m away from you. You have no power over me anymore. Guess what? I’m not going to allow your crazy thoughts to run my world. And take it out to the barbecue. Read it out loud once burn it, you know, and we have to be careful of what we think. That’s the other big thing. Thoughts, create emotions, emotions, create thoughts, back and forth. So, if you’re having anxiety, what were you just thinking? What if you’re having a panic attack? What were you just thinking right before you realized you were having a panic attack? A lot of times, people are dissociating, and they don’t quite know. But sometimes they’re able to go, Oh, I just thought XY and Z. Great.

Okay, now we know what caused the panic attack. Excellent. Let’s work on that. So that’s kind of what I want you guys to work on is that you’re not crazy. This is part and parcel of PTSD. This is part and parcel of CPTSD because we’ve had so much trauma that we’re trying to keep ourselves safe. The amygdala literally is enlarged, and it is trying to keep us safe. And it’s stupid. Three o’s cannot tell the difference. Past, present, future, thought, seeing something, hearing something, smelling something, tasting something. It’s all here, now, here, now, here, now. So, you kind of have to remind yourself, I’m safe. I am okay. Everything is fine. There is no danger right now. I have some fear. For sure. I’m going to validate and acknowledge that, that there is no danger.

So gentle, gentle, gentle anxiety is, what’s the word I’m looking for? It is the gift that keeps on giving. So, they gave us anxiety because of the abuse. They gave us anxiety. So, the anxiety was trying to keep us safe. And it served a purpose at one point in time. You know, you know, honestly, I think for me with the throwing up is if I was throwing up, my dad kind of left me alone. So, I think that’s why I kind of clung to that for so long when he was around. So, um, you know, you think it thank you anxiety. That was lovely. That was a lovely thought. And I know you’re just trying to keep me safe. And because it’s an and world. I don’t need you anymore. We’re done. I don’t need you anymore. I don’t need to do this anymore. It’s harming me now. Write it out, challenge it. What can you do instead? How are you safe, you know, remind yourself you are safe. Work with your inner child. Work with the Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. C-PTSD from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. So, work on all of this. And this is totally normal. And to be expected having a huge amount of anxiety is to be expected if somebody comes out of a traumatic thing and says that they have absolutely no anxiety.I am going to call bull dinky on that. So, because our bodies, our minds, man, they are Yeah. So, anxiety is normal for having been abused. And we get to be the master of the anxiety, not the anxiety be the master of us. So, it’s breathing. It’s being aware of what you were thinking what you were feeling. What did you see? What did you hear? What did you smell? What did you taste? What triggered the panic attack? What is the thought that stopping you from going out? The What if challenge it and then Baby Steps Start doing very, very little. Because you don’t want to just, you know, like, for example, when I first started working on my anxiety, I would not just immediately go out into a mall. That would not have been a good thing. But if I could go out to like a grocery store, you know, and lots of people in the grocery store, okay, I’m okay with that. And then you up it to maybe a mall later on. So, Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps, and gentle with yourself, and do not make yourself wrong. Do not, and anyone who makes you wrong for having anxiety is probably not empathic and probably not a person you want to be around. So, this is normal for those of us who have come from abusive situations. Okay, let’s dive into the questions. Okay.

Kris Godinez  34:51

I cannot get over the grief of my mother, who died 28 years ago. I have intrusive thoughts and feellings all day. And I don’t know what to do. It’s on year two. After memories came up, what shall I do? Okay, first of all, she died 28 years ago. Holy cow. Okay, I would strongly suggest getting with a psychiatrist and looking into probably some meds for obsessive-compulsive thoughts given that you say it’s all day. And it’s been happening since the year two. And so that’s for 26 years this has been happening. So, I would say get with a psychiatrist to work on that. There is, you know, there’s a workbook hold on half a tick that I really liked. So, it was called the intrusive thoughts, intrusive thoughts workbook. Overcoming unwanted thoughts. Okay. So, there’s overcoming unwanted thoughts that’s on Amazon. Then there’s the intrusive thought toolkit. So honestly, any and all of these books on Amazon, either overcoming unwanted thoughts or the intrusive thought toolkit, can help. At this point, I would definitely, though, if those don’t help you, I would definitely look into getting with a psychiatrist and see about maybe some OCD meds to help with that. Absolutely. And the thing of it is, is that you’ve been doing this for 26 years, if I’m, if I’m reading, I’m reading that right, right, John. Okay, so you’ve been doing it for 26 years. So, the more we have a thought, okay, the stronger that connection gets, which is why it’s so important to do thought-stopping. So thought stopping is where the thought pops up, and you acknowledge it, you go, Yeah, I hear you. I see you. I hear you knock. And yeah, can’t come in. And you send it on its way, which is different than resisting it. So, when we resist a thought, it’s when we go, oh, thought, oh, I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to think I’m not thinking about it. I’m not thinking about it. I’m not thinking about another. What am I thinking about the whole time? I’m thinking about that thought. But if you go, Yep, I hear you. I see you. And I don’t really want to deal with you right now. Because there’s nothing I can do about it. So, bye, you know, and you send it on its way. The other thing to think about, too, is grieving. So, if you were not allowed to properly grieve, that could be another reason why these thoughts keep popping up. So, what you may want to do is write your mom a goodbye letter. Ooh, I know. That’s… I know. So, write her a goodbye letter. And see if that helps. You know, Dear Mom, you know, if she was abusive, it may be a Go screw yourself letter. But if she wasn’t abusive, it’s probably going to be a very sad letter. You miss her. So, write her a goodbye letter, and then trot it out to the barbecue, read it out loud once burn it. So, if after doing that, and doing the intrusive thought toolkit book and the overcoming intrusive thoughts. If that doesn’t help, then it’s time to get a psychiatrist. Absolutely.

Because that the thing, like I said, is that when we think something constantly, it makes that connection in our brain strong. Okay. So, it’s kind of like, how do we explain? It’s kind of like wagon, the wagon ruts that you can see from all the wagon trains that went through in the Midwest, you can still see them because so many went through there, right? So, you’ve got to change the route. So, and the same goes for when we get obsessive about our abuser. So, if we’re constantly calling up the thought of our abuser, especially if it was romantic relationship, in our heads, you want to be like, nope, not my problem, not thinking about them. Thank you very much. I hear you knocking I see you. And no, I’m choosing not to think about this person. So that’s what you want to start doing. Because our thoughts have been so ingrained, think about the abuser and think about, you know this person or think about that person, you want to start doing thought stopping so when the thoughts pop up, you just go no, no, thank you, after you’ve worked through the grieving so, you know, our society is really weird about grieving, they don’t allow us or they don’t like it when we really truly have a deep amount of emotion abusers don’t at all. So grieving is a very deep, very genuine emotion. And everybody seems to think that oh, you know, you grieve for like two months, and then you’re over its new grieving is lifelong. For sure. It’s not intrusive, though. It’s not like every day, all day. But you know, every once in a while, you know, I’ll think about my mom, she pops into my head, you know, or, you know, I’ll think about somebody who’s died that I liked, you know, but grieving is a lifelong process.

We never stopped loving that person. Let’s be very clear. When we grieve. We’re loving that person. We miss them. And sometimes we don’t let go of them because we’re afraid if we stop thinking about them, we will stop loving them. And that’s not true. You were always going to love them, if they were good to you, you’re always going to love them. If they’re an abuser, you may be keeping them stuck with you with anger. That’s what I did with my dad. And it was funny because one of my one of my counselors awesome. She was like, You’re angry at your dad because you’re still trying to fix him. And you keep calling him up because you’re still trying to fix him. And I was like, Whoa, because I was thinking about him a lot, especially in the early years when I was working on my, you know, trauma and everything like that. So, you know, think about it, it’s like, why are you calling this person up all the time? Is it to fix them? Is it so that you still feel loved? Is it, you know, what’s going on? Grieving is normal. Grieving is normal. And grieving is a lifelong process. You know, it’s like, you’re always going to, if you love the person and they loved you, you’re always going to love them, and you’re always going to miss them, and you’re always going to grieve their loss, you bet. It’s just not going to be as intense. So, and like I said, in our society, it doesn’t allow people to grieve. It just doesn’t. They’re uncomfortable, whether it was literally it’s been six months, no mother, it takes, you know, a year for normal grief, normal grief to kind of go through all the firsts. And then after that, it’s like, okay, this is the new normal without them, you know, and then after that, it gets a little easier, you know? So, I would definitely say try those two books, try writing and burning the letter. I don’t know whether it’s an abuser or whether the mom was a loving, kind mom. So um, either way, if it was an abuser, right of the go pound letter, if it was a loving, kind mom, you know, do the grieving letter do the I miss you letter, and I wish you were here letter, you know, do that one. If, after doing the books, and all of that, it doesn’t work, get to a psychiatrist. Look into OCD bets to help with the intrusive constant thoughts. So, there is that? I hope that answered that question.

Um, do narcs have anxiety which they transfer onto their children? My mom was nonstop anxious and always creating drama over nothing and blamed the children for it because she was worried. That sounds more like borderline, to be perfectly honest, borderline personality disorder. When they get malignant, they’re very anxious, and they create drama all the time, and then blame it on somebody else. So that sounds like Oh, my goodness, my leg has gone to sleep. Holy cow. Wow. Um, that sounds more like borderline personality disorder. Um, but ya know, they the borderline personality disorder absolutely can and they’re very much into drama. And I’m talking malignant guys. I’m not talking traits of I’m talking when they have refused help. And they’re harming people. And they’re screaming Mimi’s and drama, drama, drama, drama, drama, drama, drama, then yeah, absolutely. So that sounds more like borderline honestly. And again, I’m not diagnosing; I’m just saying what that sounds like.

Um, okay. Wow, we can’t move out of our home in a building where we received physical abuse from deranged neighbors is 2018. The police and judge do nothing. Is there a way to stop being locked in? Okay, so you can’t move out of our home in a building where we receive physical abuse from deranged neighbors. Since 2018, the police and judges do nothing. Is there a way to stop being locked in? I’m not quite sure of the situation. Um, that sounds like more of a question for an attorney. Honestly, if the police and judge are doing nothing, and if these people are still abusing then or being harassing or whatever, and I kind of talked about this last week. Apparently, the Supreme Court has made it more difficult to get a restraining order, which is only going to harm people who are being stalked by crazies. Men get stalked, too. So, this is not just harming women. It is going to harm men as well.

Kris Godinez  44:22

So, I would say if there’s still a harassment situation going on, you cannot get a restraining order if the police and judges are not doing anything. It’s time to talk to an attorney. Because sometimes, Honestly, the only thing people understand is if you hit them in the pocketbook. So that would be my suggestion for that. As far as free attorneys are concerned. There are sometimes the universities that have law schools will do clinics, free clinics, where they’ll answer questions. Sometimes retired attorneys will do free clinics will where they will answer questions or help you fill out paperwork. In Arizona, Fresh Start Women’s Resource Center offers legal advice. They’ll help you fill out paperwork. They’ll answer your questions, you know, that kind of thing. It’s for a small fee for like 15 bucks. So, so you’d have to look around and see if you could get some free legal advice. The other thing you could look into would be Catholic Charities might have some free legal advice you could get, or Jewish Family Home Services. That’s another possibility. So, look into, look into talking to an attorney because at this point, that sounds more illegal than it does psychological. So um, okay, let’s see.

My kitty Sabrina passed away last month. I’m so sorry. I cry every day at least once, sometimes more. I can’t seem to get past this part of my ptsd. Is this part of my PTSD? Does it make the grieving process longer? No, sweetie, that’s normal grief. So, a month is nothing. A month is nothing. It is no time at all. A month is nothing. When we lost Scotty. Oh, god, that was awful. So yeah, you miss him, you know, and it was really hard because you know, he was our last dog. So, before we got these guys, a month is nothing. a month, you’re just starting to even scratch the surface of grieving. So normal grief. Let me say this again. Normal grief takes the entire year. It does. A month is nothing. Allow yourself to grieve. And is it going to be every day in that first month? Probably. You betcha? Yah. Yah, you betcha. And you just acknowledge it, and you validate it, and you allow it, don’t resist it. It’s kind of like, Yeah, this is normal. This is me loving this little Sabrina cat. You betcha. And you allow yourself to grieve. And again, it might not be a bad idea to do a goodbye letter, dear Sabrina, your great little kitty, and I loved you so much. You know, and just let her know how awesome she is. And just take it out to the barbecue, read it out loud once allow the smoke to carry the words to where it needs to go. So yeah, grieving is a lifelong process. The intense grieving is going to be the first year seriously. So everyday thinking about the cat. Yeah, that’s when Scotty died. Every day, I would think about him. And especially sometimes I would think I would hear him coming into the dog door. Which was than that, I’d go, oh, no, he’s gone. You know? And then I cry. And, um, yeah, it’s, it’s, it’s only been a month, sweetie. It’s only been one. That’s what I was saying about our society. In a healthy normal society, they understand that it takes a year, a year in a day, a year and a day. Seriously, it’s like, allow yourself that year to get through all of the firsts, you know. And it is a lifelong process. There are days when I think about Kitties and dogs that I’ve had when I was a kid, and I miss them, and I’ll grieve over them, you know? So, it’s lifelong, so gentle with you. Don’t make yourself wrong, write and burn a goodbye letter. And just realize it’s going to take a year. It’s going to take a year at the very, very least. You betcha. All right, let’s see what the next question is.

Um, how do you back away from new people who learn some of your triggers and continue to do said triggers and laugh about it, I want to ghost to them. But we’ll have to give up my group of friends. Um, well, they’re not your friends if they’re doing things like that. If these people are condoning what these people are doing, then they’re not your friends. So let me be very clear. People who are your friends support you, people who are your friends, love you. People who are your friends do not tolerate anybody pushing your buttons and creating triggers, okay? Or, you know, creating a response to triggers. So, these people are not your friends.

So, what is friendship? Friendship is respect. Same with love, friendship and love are all about respect. And if they do not respect you, they do not like you, and they do not love you. So, if they are disrespectful, you get rid of them. So, you don’t owe anybody an explanation. You don’t you, that’s the big thing. It’s like, so here’s the thing. Ghosting people, I’m not a huge fan caveat unless they’re abusive, if they’re abusive, then yeah, you have the right to go no contact. Absolutely ghosting, otherwise known as no contact. So, but ghosting has come to be like, you know, oh, you’re hanging out with somebody, you’re dating somebody, and then you just disappear. That’s ghosting. Okay? No Contact is when somebody is abusive. Pushing your buttons, getting you triggered, laughing about it, making fun of you, being disrespectful. You have the right to go no contact with those people. So, because that’s abusive, let’s be clear. Let’s be clear, that’s abusive. And if your friend group is unwilling to support you, is going along with what these people are doing. You don’t need them. You do not need them, clean out your friend closet make room for Healthy People. Healthy People are not disrespectful. Let me say that again. Healthy People are not disrespectful. They have boundaries, they know your boundaries. This is a boundary.

So, what’s your list of deal breakers? Let’s go over that. What is a deal breaker? A deal breaker is anything that is going to harm you. So, a deal breaker is if somebody is disrespectful to you, these people are disrespectful to you. If somebody causes you harm, these people are causing you harm. calls you names, gaslights you, lies, makes fun of you at your expense. Those are all deal breakers. Nobody should treat you like that. Nobody has the right. Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, read it. Boundaries. The Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker read it because you don’t need these people. And sometimes I think we’re afraid to let go of people because we’re afraid that nobody else will ever like us. Wow, does that sound what like the abuser said nobody will ever love you. Nobody will love you the way I do bla bla bla bla bla. God, I hope not. You know what I’m saying? So, you definitely want to let them go. If they’re being disrespectful, if they’re hurting you, if they’re harming you, and if the rest of the people are going to go along with that, you don’t need them. You don’t need them. Work on yourself, work on your self-esteem. Okay, let’s see. I mean, and, and if you’ve already told them so, what you could do is if you’ve told them that this is not, you know, you don’t like this, and this is harmful, and they do it again. Absolutely get rid of them. If you haven’t told them, then you might just be like, No, I really don’t appreciate that. And then if they do it again, get rid of them. But honestly, if they’re like intentionally and making fun of you, just get rid of them. So, there is that.

Okay, my loves I think that is it for today. I will do the questions on Wednesday that I did not get to. Let me see what next week’s show is going to be. Here it is. Oh, what does a healthy family look like? Yes, we’re going to talk about healthy families. We’re going to talk about green lights, we’re going to talk about the good stuff, so next week is going to be what does a healthy family look like? What a healthy people look like healthy friends look like? etc. etc. etc. So that is it. My love’s you guys go have a great week, and I will talk to you on Wednesday with the answers and questions and answers and next week what a healthy family looks like. All right, my love’s go be awesome. Talk to you later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.

The post 07-09-2023 A Case of Nerves appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Have you ever wondered why the other parent did not protect you? Have you wondered why people just allow abuse to occur? What gets in the way of people acting to protect? These and many more questions will be answered in this week’s episode of We Need To Talk With Kris Godinez discussing When People Do Nothing!

Links to resources mentioned in this episode:

• When Good People Do Nothing
• Supreme Court Overturns Stalker’s Conviction In First Amendment Case Over ‘True Threats’
• Child Abuse and the Role of Parental Denial

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Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA, or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

So, I’m doing the Portland meet and greet today at two o’clock very excited. Portland has changed a lot since John and I lived here. We lived here in the mid-1990s. Nine think we left in 2001. Lots of homeless I got chased by a homeless man today. That was fun. And when I say fun, I mean terrifying. So, there was that Hello, darlings. Um, yeah, that was kind of weird. It was it was a very strange morning. So, we got up to take the dogs down and, you know, walk them along Tom McCall Park. And Tom McCall Park has changed a lot. There was a lot of graffiti, lots more garbage, lots more homeless people. So, this one homeless guy sees me and John coming with the dogs. And he’s like, Oh, she’s a good person. She’s a good person. And then, like, he starts yelling about losing $12,000. I mean, it was obviously mental health issues, probably schizophrenia, possibly borderline with psychotic features. Who knows. But then, as we were walking back on our second walk, this homeless guy just started following me. And as I was running across the street, he started running across the street. And then John had to place himself between me and him. And he finally just kept walking. It was really weird.

So yeah, the homeless population definitely has increased. And it is an issue not just in here. But in Portland, but literally everywhere, the homeless population has increased, and there are no services, and why? Well, the homeless population doesn’t have any money. And politicians are not going to do anything about it, because who’s going to finance it? People don’t want to finance it because there’s no money to be made. And it’s really annoying. And it really makes me angry because a lot of these homeless people are mentally ill. And can they be dangerous? Yeah. If the voices told them to hurt somebody if they have command hallucinations, you betcha. And I would have to say both of those guys had command hallucinations. So anyway, there was there that, but Portland is beautiful. And it is fun to be here.

So, I am looking forward to seeing people today. That’s awesome. Um, okay, so current events, aside from the homeless issue, which is nationwide. Apparently, the supreme idiot Court decided that they were going to loosen up the definition of stalking. This is not okay. So basically, they’re saying, Oh, well, it’s intent. They didn’t intend to terrorize you. They didn’t intend to scare you. That wasn’t their intent. Okay, back the hell up Bipidi Bobbidi back the hell up, biotch. So, here’s my issue with that this person. Apparently, this is in Forbes magazine. See if I can find the article. Forbes magazine. There it is, for a Supreme Court overturned stalkers conviction in First Amendment case over true threats. So, this guy sent these messages to this singer. Apparently, the Supreme Court ruled in favor to seven to two in favor of Billy Raymond Counterman, a man who was convicted in Colorado of stalking after sending repeated messages to female musician Coles Whelan that made her fear for her safety, including one that suggested he knew where she was, and told her to die and eff off permanently. countermine was convicted based on an objective test that considered whether a reasonable person would believe his comments constituted true threats, which, unlike most speech, aren’t protected by the First Amendment. But his attorney argued that the Supreme Court should instead impose a subjective test that takes the speaker’s intent into account. Okay, if you’re dealing with somebody who’s crazy, and they’re stalking, their intent is to harm, let’s just be clear here. So, 90% of communication is verbal and auditory, okay, and then of course, there’s the micro expressions center, etc, etc. When you are receiving threatening emails, threatening texts, threatening mail threatening anything, you can’t hear or see what they’re doing. Okay? So, if you’re feeling threatened, perception is everything you ask any good therapist, perception is everything. If you’re feeling threatened and you’re feeling threatened, it doesn’t matter what their intent was. healthy, normal people that are not dark triads, or cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, hearing voices telling them what to do. Do not, listen to me now, believe me later, send texts that say things like die now, eff off permanently, I would take that as a threat.

I had one on YouTube a few years ago that I ended up calling the police and saying okay, this is. I’m threatened by this. This is they’re saying things like you’re going to end up dead if you keep doing this. How else am I supposed to take that? You know, there’s no context. So, they’re saying, Oh, it’s subjective. No mother clucker. It is not. If somebody is saying they’re going to hurt you. They know where you are. They want you dead. They want you know, etc. That’s a frickin threat, and for the supreme idiocy court to say that no, that’s not, and that’s protected under freedom of speech. That’s a load of crap. That is misogynistic. And that’s not just misogynistic. Women are not the only ones who get threats like this, guys do, too. And what pisses me off more than anything else? Is that when a man is being threatened by a woman, the police do not take it seriously. Oh, well, you’re a guy. Oh, well, but no, it doesn’t matter. Crazy is crazy. Gender aside, crazy is crazy. So, if somebody is crazy enough to start sending out threats, then yeah, so I would strongly suggest writing your senators and saying, Ah, this is not okay. This is directly affecting anybody who’s got a restraining order against one of these cuckoos. This is directly affecting anybody who is in a domestic violence situation where their ex is saying things and guess what, gaslighting? This is gas? This is gaslighting. 110%. Oh, my intent wasn’t to terrorize. Die now. eff off permanently. How would you take that? I take that as you know where I am. You’re threatening me. You’re basically saying you’re going to harm me. Oh, but that wasn’t my intent. That’s gaslighting at its worst. It really is. And it makes me angry because now this is giving carte blanche to all of the abusers out there to be as heinous as they want to be. And the Supreme Court, the courts are just going to go oh, well, you know their intent. They’re saying that that wasn’t their intent. Well, if it wasn’t their intent, why were they writing it? See where I’m going with that? I have a huge problem with this. This is This is dangerous to survivors of domestic violence.

This absolutely is this is 110% the wrong message to be sending. We need to be sending letters to the Supreme Court. We need to be sending letters to our senators, we need to be doing something about this because it’s so easy for the defendant to come back in and go oh, well, that wasn’t my intent. Oh, I was just kidding. Oh, I did. Oh, well. But when you’re reading something, you’re not hearing it. You’re not seeing it. You know. So, what is their intent? You can only take it off of what it says. And I think this is a disservice to survivors. It’s a disservice to people who are dealing with stalkers. stalkers are dark triads, they’re narcissistic, psychopath Machiavellian, so I can guarantee you all of them that have restraining orders are going to go running out and going, Oh, wasn’t my intent. I was just kidding. Screw you. That just pisses me off. It really does. And, and there’s a political aspect, obviously to this too, because they’re trying to make it easier for people to send threats to political people. And I’m just like, you know, what, how about we all just have manners? How about we all just stop treating each other horribly? How about we just stop being stupid? It just. I hate the Supreme Court. I really do. They’re making bad decisions. They’re, they’re doing things that are harming other people. And that is the devil. We’re going to get into that today. So, here’s the deal. If you see somebody doing something harmful, like the Supreme Court, you don’t want to just sit by and go, Oh, it’s too big.

Kris Godinez  09:22

I can’t handle it. I can’t do it. You can. If enough of us get in together and write letters and let people know that we’re upset and it’s not okay, change can happen. And this plays into what I am talking about today, which is when people do nothing, so.

Okay, now we’re diving into our topic. So, a topic that I got today was from several people going but why did my other parents stand by and do nothing? Why did my teacher do nothing? Why did this person who knew about the abuse Do nothing? So, we’re going to talk about that. So, I pulled up a couple of articles on Psychology Today and one from Where’s this one from? Mentalhelp.net. But let’s start with the Psychology Today one. So, this is When Good People Do Nothing on Psychology Today was published in 2020 September 15. And bystander intervention versus bystander apathy, decades of research by psychologists like Latane and Darley have identified the steps that prevent people from intervening to help versus the circumstances, circumstances under which they stand up. So that you can get to the information that particular study on this page, which is what I like. So basically, they have a graph and in the graph, it says, okay, the emergency happens, and then people notice the event, but what stops them is they’re distracted, they’re in a hurry. They don’t want to get involved. They just don’t want to get involved. I’m in a hurry. I got to go do this. So, they don’t do anything. The other thing that happens is they interpret the event as an emergency. But they, again, they, they talk themselves out of it, oh, it wasn’t really that bad. Oh, it wasn’t really this. It wasn’t really that. And I’ll give you a great example. My mother-in-law calls us, and this was years ago, and says, Oh, I saw this kid in the parking lot yelling that this guy wasn’t his dad. And I’m like, did you call the police? And she was like, oh, no, I didn’t want to get involved. I would rather call the police and have it be his dad and the kid just being acting out or whatever, than to not call the police and have this guy be a, you know, child trafficker. So. So she convinced herself it wasn’t an emergency, and that the kid was really just, you know, that guy’s son and etc., etc. So, this is, like I said, years ago if I had known I would have Yeah.

Okay. And emergency happens, people assume responsibility. But what ends up happening is diffusion of responsibility, have failed to assume personal responsibility. So, this is like, in the case of Kitty Genovese, in New York City, in the 60s, she was murdered in front of literally hundreds of people, her apartment building had windows, people were seeing her being stabbed. All of them assumed that somebody else was going to call the cops. Because they didn’t want to get involved. Oh, well, there’s a lot of people, somebody else will do it. No, no, I would much rather, again, be the 20th person to call the police than to not call the police and somebody gets hurt. So again, this is a lot of that fight, flight, freeze, or faun, a lot of freezes involved with this. And we’re going to get into why the good parent doesn’t get involved. This is all kind of playing into this. So, stay with me on this one. Okay. So then, okay, so then emergency happened knows appropriate form of assistance, but what stops it is a lack of knowledge, lack of competence, can’t offer appropriate help, so it doesn’t know what to do. So, you know, they go, Oh, I don’t know what to do. So, I’m just not going to do anything. So, emergency happens, and this is the last one, implement decision. Okay. So, what stops it is danger to self-legal concept concerns, embarrassment, or the cost of helping are too high. So, this is going to play into why parents do not protect their kids. Okay, hold on. Yeah, many complain, few act. That’s and that’s the thing if everyone acted, we wouldn’t be having the issues we’re having right now, with our protection from stalkers happening. So, this is why it’s important to speak up. This is why it’s important to act in mass. It’s like even one voice even.

Do you remember the Lord of the Rings? To remember when Frodo was just giving up hope and like, I’m so little, I don’t know how I can do this. And it was, I can’t remember what it was Galadreal or if it was Gandalf, but they said to them, it was like, yes, but your voice makes a difference. You make a difference. So even though it’s just one of you, you make a difference. So don’t give up that idea that you make a difference. You do make a difference. Okay, so hold on.

So, um, let me get over to, all right, Child Abuse and the Role of Parental Denial. So, this is by Dr. Schwartz. Allen Schwartz, PhD. This December 11 2009 on mental help.net. And so, the question was, you know, why did my parents do nothing? Okay? Denial is a powerful, powerful and primitive defense mechanism someone who is dependent, so remember, we talked about that last week, somebody who is totally dependent, codependent, you know, can’t see their way out of this relationship, is financially dependent on the abuser is emotionally just brainwashed by the abuser frightened. And themselves, a victim of abuse can remain silent and not even see or hear the abuse in order to maintain the desperately needed relationship with the abuser. In a way, it is a variation of the old saying, hear no evil, see no evil, well, people do hear it and see it and fail to act.

So, this is important, guys. Because when we’re raised in a toxic family, and we have a family member that’s abusing us, and our other parent does nothing or worse, comes up with a ton of reasons why they’re not going to stop the abuse. What is the message that that sends to that kid? And ain’t good. Let me just be clear on that. The message that that sends to that kid is I’m not valuable. I’m not worth protecting. I’m not, you know, I don’t mean anything to either parent. One parent uses me as a beating post. The other one is just allowing it to happen. So personal experience. My mom did that. She absolutely did. And I talked about it in my book. I tell …where do I have my book somewhere? No, of course not. Of course, I don’t. Um, so in what’s wrong with your dad? I talked about it. She sacrificed her kids on the altar of security. Because Oh, well, if I leave him, I We won’t have any money and you’ll starve and this that and the other thing. Okay. Well, in the meantime, he’s beating the crap out of me, and he’s sexually molesting me. So, I think I’d rather starve. Thanks. You know, so it was in then, of course, if you play it back to her connection, her mother was an abuser. Her mother was a narcissist. Her mother abandoned her constantly, like physically abandoned her constantly, and left her to be abused by other adults. So, it makes sense as to why the parent does this because they’re replaying their childhood stuff now. Does it excuse it? Hell? No. Hell no, it does not excuse it not in any way, shape, or form. But it does explain it.

So, hold on, let’s go on with this. Okay, both abuser and spouse can be mentally ill people who collude out of a mutually shared sadism. Now, that is also a possibility. In other words, there are a few people who can get a sense of pleasure out of out of treating children abusively, yes, that can occur. Over the years, I’ve known a few cases in which the wife was in such deep was in such deep need to avoid sexual relations that they preferred that their husband engage in audible relations with the daughter. This is usually unconscious it with full denial and operation. Absolutely. 110%. And I think that’s what was going on with my mom. I think a part of her was like, Oh, good. I don’t have to do it. Seriously, you know, because like I said, she and I talked about this after my dad dropped dead. May he roast in hell. So, you know, it’s like, that’s what we that’s what we talked about. And yeah, there was an aspect of that going on. And again, when she was six years old, she was molested by a step-grandfather. So, this totally is starting to make sense to me. It does not excuse it, it does not excuse it. I absolutely will hold her feet to the fire on that one. You know, it’s like okay, and you should have protected me, and you should have you know, so. Okay, hold on.

Kris Godinez  19:14

Um, okay, another case is chronic and severe drug and alcohol abuse loosened the inhibitions that otherwise sober people and sensible people would have. So, they do things that they would not normally do. Again, it explains it, it does not excuse it. There are parents who have been raised in strict and abusive environments, then repeat the pattern once they are parents, the vicious cycle of abuse is probably the major cause of domestic violence in the United States. So, it’s interesting that, again, it goes back to family of origin generational trauma 110%. So, okay, so there are reasons why the other parent does nothing, and usually, it has to do with their family of origin and who’s running the show. It would be their inner child, and their inner child is all about staying safe. And their inner child is helpless, right? And their inner child doesn’t want to get involved in their inner child doesn’t want to get in trouble. Interesting, because if they had confronted the abuser, what would have happened? Well, they would have gotten the beating, they would have gotten the sexual abuse, they would have gotten the verbal abuse. So, it makes sense. It doesn’t make me what’s the word I’m looking for? I can have compassion for that. It’s like, wow, that sucks. And you had no business having kids. Seriously. If you could not stand up for that child and say no to the abuser, you had no business having kids, Period. Period, you know. So generational trauma, generational trauma, so it’s like the grandparents abused, this parent abused. If this kid doesn’t go, get help. They’re going to abuse if they’re not conscious, which a lot of times they’re not, so there is that.

Okay, so the next article is when one parent is hurtful and the other stands by this is by peg Streep. This is on psychology today. This was posted July 11, 2019. Okay, not long ago, I got this message from a woman now in her mid-50s. For years I focused on my tyrannical father and how afraid of him I was. Mind you; my two brothers were scared of him too. But they dealt with it by being the boys he wanted them to be. I was paralyzed, voiceless, and had to work hard at disappearing from view.

But that didn’t stop him from picking on me mercilessly for being an embarrassment to him. It was only when I got into therapy that I started to realize my mother’s role wasn’t passive. There’s nothing passive about standing by and watching your husband abuse your children. So, 100% Correct. She isn’t alone. I often hear this from daughters whose fathers either stood by or retreated to safety of a den or workshop or hid behind a newspaper, or even worse, encourage their children to be accepting and understanding of the abuser. This was the emotional crucible for Jenna, now age 60. I think my dad loved me in a way. But he also left me utterly confused about loyalty and trust. My mother was hugely critical of me and snapped at me unfairly and constantly. She’d never let an opportunity go by to put me down. Or alternatively, ignore me. If I messed up, she’d go on and on about how I was a failure. If I did good or succeeded she’d pretend it didn’t happen or tell me it wasn’t important. When I got older, I started to push back; my father would step in, he’d appear to acknowledge that I was being hurt. But then he told me to placate her or apologize. He’d say, Oh, it’s just the way she is. Or she’s a good person deep down inside or something that made me feel as though he’d sold me down the river. That was as damaging in the end as my mother’s sniping, so 110% I cannot tell you the number of times my mother made me apologize to my father for him hitting me. Let me just say that again. Oh, it was your fault. Oh, you need to apologize to him. Oh, his feelings are hurt. I’m sorry, what? Yeah, that’s not Oh, K. Not okay. In any way, shape, or form. So yeah, the other parent will seemingly kind of go Oh, yeah, I understand. And oh, well, but that’s just the way they are. Ah, no, no, absolutely. 110% not you stand up for that kid. You stand up for that kid. Because that kid has no voice. And again, the reason the parent doesn’t is they’re afraid of the punishment that the abuser is going to get out to them. Yep. So Okay.

Um, when mom is firmly on Team Dad or vice versa, the daughter or son usually struggles with feelings of being singled out and ganged up on and not heard and not believed and not valued and not trusted and not. Yeah, that’s basically it. It’s like not heard, not believed, not trusted, not valued. It’s a betrayal. It is a huge, huge betrayal. That’s especially true if the parents play favorites or use scapegoating. To keep children in check. That kind of dynamic creates a very specific kind of damage. But the parent is bystander or one who acknowledges but palliates, I have to look that word up; creates a deep mistrust of others, and even distrust of love in which the child can last a deep distrust of love, which can last long into adulthood. Age 43 wrote, my mother is my father’s staunchest defender. My father is a control freak and bully, but she considers him strong, she thinks his put-downs are a way of keeping us from getting too full of ourselves. His criticisms a way of motivating us, his authoritarian style the mark of a man who knows his mind, I don’t think she is cruel by nature. She is meek and afraid, but she just gave up her own thoughts. It has taken me years to really understand that loving someone does not require you to lose your soul. And that how she treated me was about her, not me, I still have trouble trusting people and feeling safe. 110% The emotional confusion created by the bystander parent is very real and can complicate the process of recovering from toxic or damaging childhood experiences. Okay, am I focusing on my father because I can’t bear to blame my mother? That’s a question I received a few weeks ago from a reader who would believe that her issue with her father was with her father until she began to read my book, daughter detox, recovering from an unloving mother, and reclaiming your life. Let me just say this again, daughter detox recovering from an unloving mother, and reclaiming your life. She had always seen her father as the villain of the piece. But she began to see that what she considered her mother’s passivity was much more than that. She wrote to me to say that she was surprised by the level of betrayal, that she felt.

This realization that my mother was being active and not passive has thrown me for a loop in a weird way. I am angrier with her at the moment for doing nothing that I am for him for doing something isn’t that strange? Well, no, it’s not. It’s hard enough to confront the fact that one parent isn’t treating you as he or she should. But to focus on the roles both parents played in your treatment takes it to a whole other level. So basically, when you are working on your family of origin, hugely important, don’t just focus on the abuser, focus on who was standing around, who didn’t do anything. Who did jack diddly squat, what the eff was going on with that? See where I’m going with that. And it’s like, really, really, it’s like kneading dough. It’s like getting through it all. It’s like, you know, let’s get this. Let’s, let’s figure out all of the roles here.

So, abuse cannot happen in a vacuum abuse has to be allowed. And it has to be done in secret or with denial or whatever. So, who was around who didn’t protect you? Who didn’t speak up? Who was a bystander who played the victim? Who did all this? And that’s something to work on because none of this abuse was because of you. Let me just say that again. None of the abuse that any of us went through was because of us. It was because of the other people 110%. Okay, hold on. I will get to the questions in just a second. Okay. Okay. Takes it to a whole other level. Okay. It’s no wonder that some daughters choose to look away as best they can. This is what Greta share. I totally see my mother as the victim. And while I’m unhappy with how she treats me, I honestly feel she can’t help it. Because my father is super controlling. No, she could help it. This has caused a huge rift with my older sister, who sees my mother as a harpy who focuses on her father’s faults, has always berated him for not being a good enough provider, or anything else, and is cruel to her and me. She has very little to do with her mother and skips family visits and takes Dad out on her own. She and I have become distanced and estranged without declaring war as our parents age. She thinks making mom a victim is sick stuff on my part. I don’t know what to do. I just want everyone to get along. Oh, God, and that is it.

Kris Godinez  28:52

Kids just want to be loved. Kids are light little beings that just want love. And they just want everybody to be happy. And they just want to be able to play. And they just want to be able to be enjoyed and enjoy other people. That’s really what kids want. So, if you sell yourself to sell to get peace, right, you’re not going to have peace. You’re not, you know, you think, Oh, if I do this, it’s going to it’s going to be peaceful. Maybe it will stop, maybe they won’t yell, maybe they won’t. But in the long run, you’ll just start getting smaller and smaller and smaller and liking yourself less and less and less. And eventually, you’re going to be gone. And you don’t want that. Okay. That’s what these people are doing when they’re placating an abuser. They’re losing themselves every single time. Every single time. Hold on a second. Let’s get back to this article.

Okay, it’s worth saying worth saying from a cultural point of view. It’s easier to be open about an unloving father than it is to talk about, and unloving flies in the face of all the mother myths that all women are nurturing no, They are not, that mothering is instinctual. No, it is not that all mothers love their children. No, they do not. Anecdotally, at least, there is much more denial involved when it’s the mother who is abusive and cold, uncaring, narcissistic, or manipulative. And that’s true. It’s unfortunate, but it’s true. And yes, there are some crazy mother clickers out there. You bet yet Oh, narcissistic dark triads stalkers? You bet. Which is why I’m so angry about the idiot court because it’s like you mother. Write your senators. Okay. I will get to the question. I’m almost done with this article, hold on.

Third player your parents’ marriage, it is impossible to begin to understand the dynamics of your parents’ relationship. When you are a child, and remains difficult even into adulthood. We never become peers but always remain offspring. And especially in in dysfunctional relationships. That dynamic never change in a healthy mom dad kids’ relationship that mom and dad realize the kids are growing up and are adults in and of themselves. And so, the relationship grows in an adult way. But toxic, people always want the kids to be kids and never grow up. We never become peers but always remain offspring limited in our view of their marriage by the relationship we have to them and the fact that we weren’t around when their connection began. And they settled into their roles as spouses. We can analyze it all we want. But when it comes to understanding the influence, their relationship had on how we retreated. The chances are good that we will never get past the guessing stage. True, but you can do an educated guess, and you’re probably going to be right. It’s a very real blind spot. Working with a therapist can of course, clear away some of the brush, which will help. That was true of a daughter named Julia, who I interviewed extensively, she was marginalized and ignored by her mother and picked on by her father in childhood. And later, she went on into therapy, the specifics of her story helped her understand the role she played in her parents’ relationship. So, this is true. So, if you’ve got a family of origin with an abuser, and a passive, seemingly passive spouse, the kids are given roles. The kids are given roles distraction, comedian, second mom, second dad, you know, second spouse, you know, they’re given roles to play, and it has nothing to do with the kid. Nothing.But that kid. Not all out. So yeah, absolutely. therapists can help with that. 110%. Um, okay, let me see.

Okay, my birth was the cause of all hardship and strife. I was never allowed to forget it. They chose to have two more children later. And it was always clear that they that unlike me, my sisters brought them happiness and pride. That was the family story. And they have never deviated from it. Not in 50 years, I am still the source of their disappointments, large and small. And that is part of their bond in a weird way. Their marriage has thrived because they had someone to blame for their occasional unhappiness from the very start, my mother still dismisses me, and my father finds me lacking; it will never change. And I know that. So again, the role of the scapegoat, the role of the whipping kid, you know, it’s like, okay, so that’s, that’s who they put all of their stuff on to. Um, okay, let’s see. Anyway, the article goes on. It’s just really good about it really puts into perspective why some spouses stand by and allow the hurt to happen, why some actively engaged in it, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. So, basically, their behavior towards us had absofreakinglutely, nothing to do with us. Nothing, zip, zero, zilch. Nada. It had to do with their inner child, their family of origin, what they were protecting, etcetera, etcetera. Now, does that excuse it? No, not even a little it explains it. And hopefully, that will start unraveling that self-esteem issue of I’m not worthy. When you realize that it had nothing to do with you. Their idiocy, they’re not interfering. They’re not protecting you had nothing to do with you. It had everything to do with them, their inner child, what they were afraid of their fears, their codependency, their need for security, etc., etc., etc. Which is why it’s so important to get this stuff nailed down if you’re considering having kids, because you do not want to pass on this generational trauma to the next generation.

So all right, let’s recap. So, to recap, people stand by and do nothing because they talk themselves out of it. They are convinced that they can’t do anything or that somebody else is going to do it. So you can’t assume somebody else is going to respond to an emergency or respond to abuse or whatever, you report it, you report it, which is why the things that have been happening lately are so chilling to me, because it’s like, okay, well, if you’re handcuffing people reporting abuse, who’s watching out for the abused, you know if you’re taking away the ability to punish a frickin dark triad who’s saying die now, eff off, who’s protecting that person? Again, stand by mentality, you got to stop it, you got to get involved, you got to get involved. And again, when I was growing up, I told people, I told people, I was being harmed. Nobody did anything because they didn’t want to fill out the paperwork. They didn’t want to take the time. They didn’t want to get involved. And they were afraid of being sued because my dad was an attorney.

So, you got to tell that fear to eff off it. Could you be sued? Well, hell yeah. In this country, you could be sued for anything, anytime, anywhere, for any reason? Yeah, absolutely. Is that a problem? Yeah, sort of. But you know, what, if it means saving someone or protecting somebody, then I’ll do it. You know, it’s like, bring it bitch. I don’t care. You know what I’m saying? So, it just, it annoys me greatly the bystander mentality, especially in toxic families. So, when you get that parent that’s like, oh, but that’s just the way they are. We don’t want them upset at me. You know, a wrong, an incorrect response, please go off the island. You know what I’m saying? I’m saying it’s just, uh, anyway. So basically, the way the parents behaved had everything to do with them, everything to do with their family of origin, nothing to do with the kids, nothing to do with you. It was not your job to protect them. That’s often the way it ends up happening is that the kids protect the other parent from the abuser. It’s not your job to make their marriage good or happy or whatever or be a scapegoat for them. It’s not your job to be a second mom or second dad. You did not ask to have 20 million children. And it’s not fair that an abusive parent makes a five-year-old babysit younger kids. Oh, yeah, that happens. You know what I’m saying? So, it’s this has all abuse has to do with the abuser. It does, and the standing by has to do with the family of origin issues of that parent, probably code a parent to parent, codependent parent, do you see where I’m going with that? So, they’ve got their own issues. They’re acting out of inner child stuff. Get to a therapist, if you are in an abusive relationship and you find yourself siding with the abuser, or you find yourself not protecting your kids, get out, get to a therapist, help yourself, help your kids, because here’s something to think about. You are role modeling for them. What a relationship looks like, do you really want them to get involved with somebody that’s just like your abuser? Hell, no, you don’t. So do something to help yourself. Do something to help those kids.

Kris Godinez  38:33

Okay, let’s hit the questions. Here we go. Do narcissists enjoy seeing their children, especially their daughters, getting hurt? I saw a narc protecting her sons more and being dismissive to the daughters. Like they don’t matter at all. Yeah, in some cases. Yeah. But here’s the thing. I think with narcissists, psychopaths’ dark triads, it depends on their family of origin again, so if they have, you know, daddy issues, or whatever, they may be more abusive to the sons and protect the daughters or vice versa or whatever. Do they enjoy seeing their children get hurt? Yeah, they do. They’re sadists. I cannot stress this enough, guys. When I say that narcissists, dark triads, especially, are sadistic and sadists. I am not just whistling a tune here. They enjoy inflicting pain because it makes them feel powerful. It is a power and control issue. That’s what it’s all about. And when I say they want you dead, I’m not just whistling a tune. I’m not. They want us dead. And this whole thing about, oh, it’s subjective. No, it’s not. If somebody says die now and eff off permanently, that says to me, that’s a death threat. Okay, so here’s what I think needs to happen. We need to get a psychiatrist to challenge that because, I Honestly, there is no subjective about this Perception is everything. If somebody sends me a threatening message, I’m going to take it as threatening. Thank you very much. And I should. So anyway, don’t get me started. But yes, they are absolutely sadists. They absolutely do enjoy it. Yes, they will play favorites. Yes, they will protect the daughters and not the sons or protect the sons and not the daughters, depending on what their own personal peccadilloes are.

Um, would you consider a parent who refuses to act a kind of dissociation? It can be? Yeah, absolutely. It 100% can be because if the abuser is abusing, and it sends them into dissociation, and they’re unable to act, that’s why I’m saying Fight Flight freeze are faun. But here’s the thing, after the fact, if the kid comes to you and says, mom or Dad just did this, okay, well, we need to do something. This needs to stop. So, I mean, somebody’s got to protect the kid. And I understand yes, dissociation can happen. 110%. But after the dissociative episode, and the kid says they’re being abused, that child needs to be protected. Period.

My stalker won’t stop, even with a restraining order. Should I move? Okay, so, stalkers are crazy, okay, with a restraining order, they generally don’t stop if they are dark triads and crazy enough, what should be happening is if the order of protection is being violated, you should be calling the police every single time and demand that they do something, because there’s an order in place this guy needs to, or this girl needs to be in jail, period. So, you could continue to call the police. If you’ve been calling the police and they are doing nothing, I would get vocal. I would go to the media, I really would. Because that’s the kind of biatch I am. So, you know, it’s like, let’s put a spotlight on this, let’s show how corrupt this particular police system is, you know, let’s, let’s do this. So, um, I would start, and I would reach out to a domestic violence shelter, domestic violence shelters have ways of literally you can change your name, you can get things so that they can’t look up your address, you can do things to disappear, basically, if you are being threatened like that. So, I would contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. I think it’s the National Domestic Violence Hotline. So, they have information on how to get safe, what to do, etcetera, for sure. Okay, um, okay. Answered that question answered that question. Should you move? You know, it depends. If, if your police department is not doing anything, and you’ve made them aware that they’re not doing anything, then I would look into, Yeah, moving. Absolutely. But here’s the thing. If the stalker is really crazy, that’s a good possibility they could follow, which is why if you’re going to move, you want to disappear from the public records, you want to make sure that they can’t just do a public search and find Thank you, John, find your new address your new phone number, I mean, etc. Is it a pain in the hind end to do that? You bet. But if it gets rid of a stalker, it’s worth it.

So again, I would contact your domestic violence shelter. You might also look into a lawyer. Because here’s the thing, if you’ve got an order in place, and the police are doing literally nothing, you may have a lawsuit. So, look at that. So anyway, because I swear to God, it’s like, public agencies do not listen. But if you hit them where it hurts, which is in the pocketbook, they suddenly start paying attention and start doing things. Funny how that works. All right.

Um, okay. I am in long-term recovery from a very toxic family five years, no contact. How do I keep strong? Oh, Kay. So, leaving a toxic family is difficult it is because that’s been our family, right? And that’s what we thought was normal until we came out of it. And we’re like, whoa, this isn’t normal. So, you want to have support, you want to be in a support group support groups are great. Now keep in mind, though, that there are a lot of predators in support groups, so you’re going to have to be careful, but support groups are really good. It’s good to get support. It’s good to go talk to other people that have gone no contact that are, you know, working on themselves. Get with a good trauma therapist. This is how you keep strong as you keep working on you. You will keep working on you. You cannot fix them because you did not break them. You work on you. They may have broken you are bent. You can work on you. So that’s what you want to do so you want to get with a good trauma therapist. Get into a support group out of the fog.net. I think has support groups you can look up narcissist survivors there’s tons of support groups out there get with a good trauma therapist work the books I recommend C PTSD from Surviving to thriving by Pete Walker, the disease to Please Harriet breaker. The Self-Esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi The Inner Child Workbook either by Lucia Cappacchione or Catherine Taylor. All of those are great books get plans in place. I think the betrayal is something that kind of literally knocks us off our feet when we realized that our family of origin was no bueno, didn’t support us, wasn’t kind wasn’t good to us, you know, really betrayed us. The betrayal is really hard to deal with but necessary write and burn letters Dear mom Dear Dad, dear abuser, dear brother, dear sister, whoever was abusive, you go through the whole thing the good, the bad, the ugly, the horrific, the unforgivable, and at the very end, kick them out of your head. Y’all don’t have any space up here anymore. I’m evicting you by the by now go pound sand by you’re not up here not allowing it by trot it out to the barbecue. Read it out loud once burn it, let it go. Okay.

The other thing you want to do is get plans in place so when we go no contact with a family. We are going to look at things differently holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, important events, family emergencies. What are we going to do? Deaths in the family, how are we going to go to the funeral or not? You know, do we need to be involved with it. So, it’s really sitting down and deciding what your boundaries are. With the family, you’ve gone no contact with so so and to be aware toxic families will do a Hoover toxic families will do the whole Oh, medical emergency so and so is dying; you need to get back in touch with the family you need to get back in touch with your sister or brother you need to get back. Be careful because they do medical Hoover’s, they do a family emergency Hoover’s. They do Hoover’s to try to drag you back into the family to be in contact with them. So, you want to sit down and decide, okay, am I going to contact them? If they say there’s an emergency? Or am I going to kind of feel it out and see what’s going on? I would suggest feeling it out and seeing what’s going on and making sure it’s a real emergency and not just, you know, come back into the fold emergency if that makes any sort of sense. So, its deaths in the family. That’s another thing. So, it’s like okay, so do you really want to go to the funeral? You don’t have to if you don’t want to now, society will say Oh, but you have to go; why? They were abusive? Why would I go? The only reason I would go is so I could probably put a pile of flaming dog doo-doo on their grave. No, thank you. I don’t want to go, no, thank you. You know, so really, it’s sitting down and deciding what you want and what your boundaries are.

Kris Godinez  48:14

If you’ve gone no contact, stay no contact. You know, if there’s a family emergency, suss it out see what’s really going on. See if this is a Hoover it very well could be if there’s a death in the family that’s up to you whether or not you want to go or what you could do is wait until after the funeral and then go visit then go visit the grave. That is something you could do. Thank you, Siri. I’m so that’s something to think about. So, these are all you know, when we go no contact, we don’t really think about all of the things that are included with that. So, with holidays, right? So, in the past, you might have gone and hung out with a dysfunctional family. Well, now you don’t have to and rather than looking at it as a oh my gosh, I don’t have any family to hang out with it should be uh, oh my gosh, I don’t have any family to hang out with. Huzzah! I get to do what I want. So, plan something for you. Go do something that you’ve always wanted to do. What have you always wanted to do on Thanksgiving? What have you always wanted to do on Christmas? What have you always wanted to do for New Years? What have you always wanted to do on your birthday and not have it ruined by a bunch of narcissists? What do you want? Start thinking about that. And or this is why  I like support groups. There are things to do with other people. You can have friends giving friends Thanksgiving or a friend’s Christmas or, you know, whatever. There are other ways to have community without being in a toxic family, and don’t let that trip down memory lane drag you back into the family.

So, the biggest thing that happens to people is they leave an abusive family. The holidays hit and they get nostalgic and they’re like oh, but well that’s your inner child get with your therapy. Just work on the inner child, do something else, do something fun, do something you enjoy that you’ve always wanted to do that you couldn’t do because of the family. So that is my suggestion for that. Make sure you have friends, make sure you have support, make sure you have people to talk to. This is really important. You’re not alone. Dear God, you’re not alone, there are so many of us that have gone through having to go no contact. Now with me, I had my older sister, so I wasn’t completely no contact. But for a good portion of my family. Yep, I didn’t speak to them. So anyway, there is that. And that is how you keep strong, you work on yourself, and you come up with contingency plans so that you’re not alone or feeling alone. And you don’t avoid your emotions. That is really important is that that’s the other thing is that when we get out of an abusive relationship, or family relationship, one of the things I hear a lot is, I don’t, I don’t want to feel, I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want it. Well, guess what? You got to deal with it. You do. Because if you don’t, if you just shove it underneath the carpet, if you just, you know, oh, it’s dirty, I’m just going to put it under the carpet, you’re going to get a lumpy carpet, that’s going to be really hard to vacuum. And it’s twice as hard to get clean. Do you see where I’m going with that? So don’t be afraid of your emotions.

Don’t be afraid of your anger. You’re going to be pissed you are, you’re going to be sad because you were betrayed, you’re going to be, you know, all sorts of stuff happy because they’re gone. And you don’t have to deal with them. Wow, you know, relieved all sorts of stuff. So, the emotions are okay, allow, allow, allow process, get with a good trauma group, trauma support group, get with a good trauma therapist, you know, and try different modalities. So, like I said, you know, CBT is great talk therapy in conjunction with EMDR. I think those are that’s a really good combination because you’re hitting it from two different levels. So, there’s tap therapy; there’s EFT, there’s, I mean, there’s all sorts of modalities that work really well with trauma. So, find a good one.

Now, when you’re looking for a trauma therapist, make sure that they’re not just trauma-informed, they need to know they’re a hole from a hole in the ground. Nothing pisses me off more than when I hear somebody went to somebody who was trauma-informed, informed, and they didn’t know what they were doing. So yeah, make sure they know what they’re doing. So, ask other people who do they see. Do they like their therapist? Do they understand narcissistic trauma? Do they get toxic families? Do they get having to be an orphan at age 50? Do they get that? Do they understand what it is to finally figure out the betrayal and the abuse? that’s those are the questions you got to ask. Okay. Um, alright.

What can we do if people if the people being abused our nieces or nephews, I have tried many times to protect my niece. But her mother seems to put her right back in unsafe situations. You just have to keep calling. Unfortunately, CPS, you call authorities, you know since the mom is not doing the right thing, then you have to take it up to the next highest level. Seriously, that’s what you do. That’s what you do. And you work with those kids as much as you can if you have access to them. I don’t know how old they are, you know, but you let them know nobody has the right to hit them. Nobody has the right to scream at them. Nobody has the right to sexually molest them. Yeah, and you just take it up to the next you’re going to have to probably call authorities. You’re probably going to have to call CPS or DCS or whatever. They’ve named it. lipstick on a pig if you ask me, but, you know, there it is. Okay, let’s see.

Um, have I decided on the meet and greet date yet for Salt Lake City? No, I haven’t. But I am looking at probably August, just as close as I’ve gotten because I’m doing all of this stuff this right now. And soon as I get back from all my travels, I promise you, I will throw in Salt Lake City. So, it’ll be either August or September. So, I promise I promise. I promise. So, there is that. Okay. Do we have any other questions? Let me look. Oh, we’re done. Okay. All right. So. So Salt Lake City will be either August or September, I will get the data. Give me a couple of weeks. I got to kind of finesse things through and figure out what I’m doing. Okay, thoughts. What am I thinking? That one after that is in Florida, and that’s December 2. So that’ll be in Clearwater, Florida. The tickets are for sale on krisgodinez.com. That is, it.

Other than that, we need to write letters. We need to contact people. We need to stand up for the homeless. We need to stand up for ourselves. We need to stand up for those who are being abused, and I think the thing that annoys me It is when I hear somebody go, Oh, well, that doesn’t affect me. You are selfish. Don’t get me started. It affects all of us because once an abuser feels confident in their abusing, they continue to abuse, and they abuse other people, and they push the envelope because they’re psychopaths. Which part of dark triad psychopaths Do you not effing understand? So, they don’t stop. They don’t stop there. They’re like the Terminator. So, you’ve got to stop them. They’ll stop if the benefits do not outweigh the cons. So, if they’re getting embarrassed publicly or if they’re going to jail or if they’re whatever, they’ll stop doing it because it’s no fun anymore. So, for them, it’s their idea of fun is really twisted anyway. So, there is that so write your your congressman write The Supreme idiot court. You know, tell them this is not okay. Tell them this is not this is not okay. This is not subjective die now is a threat. So all right. That is, it. All right, you guys have a great week. And what am I talking about?

Next week, we’re going to talk about anxiety. So, we will be talking about anxiety and how to cope and why we get nervous over seemingly odd things. So, we do it’s like social anxiety or going somewhere new or driving or, you know, what is that about? So, I’m going to call that a case of nerves. Because if I say anxiety, YouTube is going to be like, Oh, we can’t talk about so. Anyway. All right. So, a case of nerves so we’re going to talk about anxiety, we’re going to talk about what it is, why it happens, and what you can do to help yourself because you show me somebody who survived abuse. I will show you somebody who has anxiety. There it is. Alright, guys, have a great week, and Happy Fourth of July and I will talk to you next week. I will talk to you on Wednesday. Okay, bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.

The post 07-02-2023 When People Do Nothing appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Dysfunctional family members are hard to deal with, and it is especially hard if that or those family members are your siblings. Siblings in healthy families are our first friends. In toxic families, dysfunctional families, they are often our first bullies or our worst enemies.

Dysfunctional families encourage sibling rivalry and bullying, and they certainly do not teach the children how to draw boundaries or protect themselves from bullies whether they are siblings or not family. How do you deal with siblings who are abusive? I’ll give you a hint. If you were not related to these people…would you have anything to do with them? If the answer is no, act accordingly.

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Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Okay. A couple of things, announcements. Um, so go to Krisgodinez.com. Yes. Is, everybody okay, over there? Lucky, hopefully, Lucky will not unplug everything we’re trying to move things around, so he doesn’t rip cords out. Um, okay, a couple of announcements. Um, go to Krisgodinez.com. If you are interested in doing any of the meet-ups, the meet and greets. So those are for right now I’m doing Vancouver. In June, no, May, May, Vancouver, BC in May. And then I’m still looking at doing the Pacific Northwest. I’ve got to get a hold of family members. It’s like herding cats. So it may be like July, August, possibly September for that. So, we’re trying to do all sorts of, you know, school stuff and things like that. So anyway, go to Krisgodinez.com. If you’re interested in looking at upcoming meet and greets. I have a blog that I do every couple of weeks and things like that. Okay. All right now. All right.

So current events, this I read this this morning, and it just I’m so sad and so angry all at the same time. So, stalker kills woman, husband, and then self in Seattle area home along a long-haul trucker from Texas who became obsessed with a software engineer in Washington state after meeting her through social media chat room app killed her, her husband and himself after stalking them for months. So, I want to be very clear. If you have a stalker, do not take it lightly. Don’t assume that they’re going to go away. Don’t assume that they’re not crazy. Don’t assume that they won’t kill. When somebody has a dark triad. Okay, psychopath narcissistic. Machiavellian control freak. So apparently, what this guy did is he obsessed on this woman. She had she had a podcast, and he started obsessing about her, knew she was married, knew she was married. And she’d been married for like 10 years. And the chats, you know, his contact with her started getting weirder and darker, and she didn’t know what to do. And she was like trying to, you know, finally, she started blocking him, and she started doing all this stuff. Well, then he’d find a way around the blocks, he’d get a hold of her, and then he started telling her I am going to kill you, I’m going to kill your husband, etc, etc, etc. She got a restraining order, which was the right thing to do. But she didn’t call every single time he did something because didn’t want to bother people didn’t want to. At least, that was the feeling I got from reading the article. This was on the AP this morning.

So um, here’s the deal. If you have a stalker, what was her podcast? Hold on, let me see if I can find it. Somebody was asking what the podcast is.

04:12
Um, okay. He heard her in an audio chat room on the app clubhouse, where he said she facilitated a discussion for Farsi speakers. Yeah, so that’s how he found her. Um, so basically, if you’ve got a stalker, it doesn’t have to be a romantic partner. It can be literally any cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs that decides to obsess over you and start harassing you. So, he was calling her 100 plus times a day he was texting 100 plus times a day he was bombarding social media, email, etc, etc. If anybody does that to you, that is harassment. Go get a restraining order. Go get pepper spray. Go take some Self Defense classes. So, they, they found the husband’s body at the door. So clearly the guy came to the door, shot him at the door, went into the house, killed her, then killed himself. So, you can’t reason with these people if they are truly invested and intent in their delusional thinking that they need to kill you. They’re going to or they’re going to try. Don’t give them the opportunity, call the police every single time they violate that order of protection.

Now, apparently, I’m the other thing that was happening too is that the order of protection was held up because they couldn’t find him. So, there was a hesitancy to go get an order of protection. And there was the inability to find the guy because he was a long-haul trucker. So, please call the police call the police every single time somebody threatens you don’t put up with it. Because these dark triads, the ones that are truly dark triads that are psychopaths, narcissistic, Machiavellian, they’re crazy. They, they are delusional. They’ve got this whole fantasy thing going on in their head. And when they don’t get what they want, when they don’t get their needs met. So, for example, this girl wasn’t like, oh my god, yes, I’m going to leave my husband and go run off on the road with you. He became violent and angry. It was a rejection. So, I’m guessing there was probably mommy issues going on. So um, anyway, the point being is this just happened. And this was in Washington State.

06:44
So, sometimes I get people that contact me through instant message, and they want to be my friend. And if I haven’t met them in real life, now, I’ve met a few of you in real life where I, Yes, I have chats with you because I have met you, I have vetted you. And I feel comfortable with you. There are some people I have not met in real life that keep trying to get you to get personal. And I’m just like, arm’s length. Because I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t know, these people. I don’t know these people. So, we are groomed, especially if we have any sort of abuse in our past, to be overly polite. And we’re afraid to have strong boundaries. And you’ve got to in this day and age on the internet when people come at you and start chatting, you don’t know who they are, you haven’t really met them, you don’t know what’s going on with them. You know, and, and we’re groomed to not ask for help.

It’s crazy. It’s like a recipe for disaster. It’s like the perfect storm of Holy crap. You know what I’m saying? Because it’s like we’re groomed not to ask for help. We’re groomed to feel overly invested in taking care of everybody else. So, we don’t want to hurt somebody’s feelings. So, we don’t ask for help. We don’t get a restraining order. We don’t call the police we don’t…. And then what ends up happening is that’s going to get us killed. So how do I explain this. Boundaries are there to keep us safe and boundaries or for people who are abusive, right? Because it’s like, Ah, you don’t get to cross that boundary. And you’ve got to be certain about that. If you’re wishy-washy in any way, when you’re dealing with one of these dark triads, they’re going to mow right over you quite literally, in this last case.

So anyway, I just wanted to reinforce that it doesn’t necessarily have to be a romantic partner, it could be a family member that you need to get a restraining order against. It could be a total stranger. It could be, you know, a coworker. It could be, you know, anyone who is exhibiting these obsessive-compulsive, aggressive, threatening behavior. Yep, not okay. Don’t put up with it. And don’t hesitate to use the court system, and don’t hesitate to go do things to protect yourself. You have the right to protect yourself from an abuser, from an aggressor, from an insane person who’s delusional. You do. Pepper spray, I conceal carry, you know, I carry both, actually. So, I’ve had a stalker before, so yep. And I don’t put up with that crap. So yeah, absolutely. All right. So that’s current events guys. If you need to get a restraining order, get it if they’re if they’re doing anything that is harassing. So, here’s harassing 100 or more texts a day, 100 Or more emails a day, phone call after phone call after phone call after phone call threatening in any way, shape, or form. You know, I’m going to get you; I’m going to hurt you. I’m going to do this. Get a restraining order, or at the very least, file a police report. So, you’ve got a paper trail, so that the next time you have to call, you can reference here’s where I called before and then you go get your restraining order because now you got a paper trail. Right? So yeah. So be careful, be safe. Don’t be timid, don’t be shy. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to call the police.

And the problem of it is, and this is I’ve heard this from several people. The police will be like, Oh, why are you calling? Because that’s what the judge told me to do. biatch. And that’s exactly what I would say. Because that’s what the judge told me to do. It’s like you call every single time they violate this order.

10:37
So, huh? Anyway, don’t be afraid to ask for help. And you get you get the officer’s name. If they pull that kind of crap, go over their head. I’m sorry. I’m done. I am done with people who enable the abuser with people who shirk their duties as a public servant. Don’t get me started. Do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, you’ve got to be, you’ve got to be ballsy, you do. You just got to have courage. And you’ve got to be willing to stand up for yourself and not put up with crap from anybody, no matter who the bleep they think they are, which ties in nicely to what we’re talking about today.

Okay, so siblings how to deal with disordered siblings. Okay, so basically, disordered siblings do not just pop out of the womb. Usually, they come from a family that is disordered themselves. So disordered parents are the ones who set the kids up. So nature, nurture. Is there a genetic component to disorders? Yes, I think there is nurture. However, nature sets us up and nurture if the family is aware, awake, you know, get making sure the kids are treated respectfully and with love because respect and love are the same thing. It is unlikely that they will develop go on to develop a personality disorder or be psychopathic, right? Okay? Because remember, there are two type types of psychopaths. There is the ones that their brains are just wired cuckoo. And then there’s the other ones that are created through behavior.

So, anyway, healthy, normal families ensure that all of the siblings are treated equally and that there is no sibling rivalry. Now, where will there be jealousy between siblings, of course, there’s always going to be a little bit of sibling rivalry going on. However, abusive parents set it up so that one kid is the is the scapegoat or two kids with a scapegoat or three kids with a scapegoat. And one kid is the golden child, and they hammer those kids with, you’re not good enough, you’re not good enough. You’re not good enough. You’re not good enough. And they create this jealousy. They create this nastiness, divide and conquer. That is what abusive parents do. This is what toxic parents do. They divide and conquer. So, I wanted to read a couple of articles. And this is on psychology today.

13:15
So okay, so basically, it’s the parents that set up the sibling rivalry. The parents are the ones that set up the argumentative you know, you’re not good enough, but you’re the golden child, that kind of thing. So, when a sibling is disordered, it makes it very difficult. It does to have a relationship with them because they’ve got the black-and-white thinking. So, we’re either dealing with malignant borderline personality disorder, or we’re dealing with narcissistic personality disorder, or worst-case scenario, we are dealing with narcissist psychopath, Machiavellian. Okay, so narcissistic, it’s all about them. Psychopath, they have no social rules of engagement. They don’t know how to engage. Machiavellian control freak, okay.

So, when you’ve got a sibling that is one of those, it makes it very difficult to have a relationship with them. Now, if the parents are still alive, you can take this to the bank and earn money on it. They will do everything they can to continue the division. They will do everything they can to sow chaos, doubt, fighting, infighting. Pitting one kid against the other. You know, an extreme example of that would be when you’ve seen these videos where the parents get busted for child abuse because they have been boxing each other. Oh my god, yeah. So, but it can be more subtle than that. It can be as simple as bad-mouthing one sibling to another sibling. And creating this, I like you, but I don’t like them. And you need to side with me because, you know, I’m the aggressor, right, so the aggressive parent, the toxic parent, sets up that divide and keeps it going. Because it’s a game of operators.

So, they’re like, Okay, so in a game of operator, the one who holds the power is the one who triangulates the communication. That’s the one who holds the power. So, the parent who says one thing to one sibling and another thing to another sibling and then sits back and watches them argue or hate each other. Oh, my God, what a sick mother Clucker that parent is. So, they’re creating; they’re creating this sibling rivalry. They’re creating this chaos; they’re creating this hatred. They’re creating this nastiness. They’re creating it. So, this is where the siblings come from. They don’t they don’t just pop out of the womb that way. Unless, of course, they’re the type two psychopath, in which case, yeah, they did pop out of the womb that way. But most of them are made. Okay.

So, okay. So, it’s hard when you’ve got the parent still around because the parent is going to interfere. The parent is constantly going to keep the pot roiled. They want that pot being stirred because they need chaos and drama the way the rest of us need oxygen and water. Okay. So, they enjoy it. To them. It’s the greatest entertainment on Earth, and it makes them feel so powerful. They sit back, and they go, Huh, look what I did. Look, look how I made them hate each other. Look at that. I’m powerful.

Boy, when they meet their maker, are they going to be really surprised! You know what I’m saying? So, okay. So, it’s hard when the parent is still there because they’re going to continue to stir the pot. If the parent is gone, though, you and you guys are all adults, and now you’re dealing with siblings that have a personality disorder, there are still going to be fallout from the parents. So, let’s go over that hold on just a second.

17:19
So, this one is stop walking on eggshells for family members. This is Randy Krieger. If you have a sibling with a personality disorder, and that can be any personality disorder, histrionic, narcissistic, borderline, you know obsessive, compulsive, etc. You are likely the walking definition of ambivalence. Your sister or brother has probably hurt you bullied you, but you still love them, even though they still scare you a little bit. Siblings experienced trauma. Being a sibling of someone who suffers from borderline personality disorder or narcissism can be a very isolating and stressful experience. It is common to find yourself overwhelmed at times with feelings of fear, obligation, guilt, wow, the fog, huh? Go figure. Worry confusion, helplessness, anger and even abandonment. You may struggle with anxiety, depression, or complex PTSD, all of which come with their own set of mental health challenges. These things may have been overlooked by your family members, and perhaps by you as well, the focus of the entire family tends to revolve around the person with the biggest problem. So disordered parents have a tendency to ignore the kids that are doing well. You know, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had clients sit on my couch and go, Yeah, my sibling was disordered. And Mom always said, Well, I didn’t worry about you, because you were sane. What?

18:40
No, kids all need attention. You know, it just, Oh, and they play into the narcissistic supply by doing that. So yeah, again, parents can be the problem. Your job is you. If no one has told you this yet, your first and most important responsibility is to yourself. Not to the one that is disordered, not to your parents. It is not your job to help or even save your sibling. It is not your responsibility to carry some of your parents’ burden. So, a lot of parents will tell kids point blank, When I die, you take care of this person when I die. I want you to have contact with this person. When, when I die, you become me, essentially… incorrect response. You’ve been voted off the island. No, no, you don’t have to; it’s not your job. You’re not the parent. You’re not the parent. Everyone’s an adult now. So, if you’re dealing with an adult sibling, and they’re being a jackwagon, that’s not your job. That’s their job. That, that is their problem. It’s not your job. So, I want to be very clear about that. Okay, um, it’s time for things to change. Finding a therapist who specializes in working with family members of people with a personality disorder, so trauma therapist would be great is a great first start to give yourself the best chance of leading a healthy and fulfilling life. This type of therapist will also be able to guide you in how to appropriately interact with your family members without becoming enmeshed or overburdened. There are many books and support groups, both online and in person, that can help you with the common challenges of boundary setting and codependency and healing your own trauma.

So, when you are dealing with a sibling, okay, who is disordered, who is aggressive, who is inappropriate, I want you to be very aware, they will never take responsibility for their own words or actions. They just don’t, and we know this. I’ve told you guys this for years now. It’s like, they don’t take responsibility for themselves at all. So, remember, with a narcissist, they can be over, you know, just, you know, look at me, look at me, look at me, I’m great. Fabulous. Tell me how fabulous I am. They can also be covert victim, victim, everything happens to me and it’s always somebody else’s fault.

21:11
They can be communal, God told me to abuse you, basically, is what they’re saying. So, you and they’ll flip between whatever they think is going to work. So, when you have a sibling who is absolutely abdicating personal responsibility, will not take personal responsibility for their words, their actions, whatever. Do not be surprised if they suddenly reach out to you after not talking to them for God knows how long, and they start blaming you for everything that’s going wrong in their life. So, like, You’re the reason I’m an alcoholic. You’re the reason I don’t have a job. You’re the reason I don’t know. Wow, who, really? Wow, interesting. You’re giving me that much power, huh? What’s up with that dude or dudette? That’s what they do because they cannot take personal responsibility. The next thing that the abuser will do is when they’re not getting what they want if you don’t take the bait if you don’t fight with them. Okay, because remember, that’s what they want. That’s their cocaine. That is their narcissistic supply. They want an argument. And the thing of it is that the little kid inside of you is going to pop up when they start blaming you for their life. Whatever that blame is, right? The little kid inside of you is going to pop up and go. But, but, but….and want to help them understand you did not do what they are accusing you of doing. Do not do that.

I posted something on my Facebook page about how narcissists and abusers are insincere. And they are dedicated to misunderstanding you. They are dedicated to replaying their own abuse with their parent out on you. Don’t you be a whipping post for any of them. Okay, it’s not your job. If they’ve got a problem with the original parent, they probably should be in therapy and working on it so that they’re not hurting themselves and hurting other people or trying to. So, when a narcissist gets collapsed, they don’t get their supply. They’re not getting what they want. They lash out at anybody, literally, and everybody, literally. And when that doesn’t get them the argument that they’re looking for, they will then start smearing you to other family members. And they will lie. And they will say whatever they need to in order to isolate you because they’re angry, and they want you to hurt as much as they do. So, here’s the deal, you, if other siblings are going to side with the abuser, again, take a deep breath. This is the Freudian siding with the aggressor. So, it’s the little kid inside trying to stay safe, and trying to be loved, and trying and keep family members together, that they are siding with the aggressor. And when a sibling does that, you let them go with love.

24:17
If they’re not willing to come to you and say, Hey, so and so has said this about you. And I’m angry. Can we talk? No, because then what the aggressor was waiting for is for you to address it with that sibling so that that sibling can then run back to that aggressor. And then they get all narcissistic supply, and then they lash out again. So don’t play. The best way to win is to not play if somebody sends you a nasty gram out of the blue and you haven’t heard from them in years. Don’t play. It’s not about you. The nastiness that’s in that email is never about the person it’s being sent to. So again, you, you, guns, there’s two pointed out, but boy howdy, there’s six pointed right back at the person who sent the nasty gram. So, it’s really; it’s about them.

So okay, hold on, there are some other articles I wanted to, or is this the end of that one. Okay, it’s time for things to change, okay, finding a therapist paying attention to you. While it may seem counterintuitive, and it takes support, putting your focus on yourself and your own well-being will ultimately result in a healthier dynamic for you and your entire family. You are not alone, talk to other siblings at moving forward support and education groups. This is a post from someone there. My sister Sarah felt such deep hurt, anguish, and trauma that created emotional glass shards that I spent most of my childhood tiptoeing around them. Even though I was younger, my mother taught me to appease Sarah and keep her happy. Hmm, how many of us had to deal with that, which is like keeping a volcano from erupting. So many nights of little sleep, chaos, and being called awful names, I questioned my sense of reality. I was always on edge, trying to keep the peace. This had profoundly affected how I connect with others today. I was always committed to relating with Sarah to help to show her how much I loved her. But lately, my emotional and physical safety has been threatened. My sense of self was completely torn down, my struggles and vulnerabilities were used against me. I was hit, and some possessions were broken. I had to make the hardest decision of my life to cut contact.

26:28
So that’s the thing guys, if even if a sibling is the aggressor or the abuser, if they are calling you names, blaming you for stuff you didn’t do, the best thing you can do is go or stay no contact. And if other family members side with them, okay. You know, they’ve got their childhood reasons for doing it. Send them love, wish them well. Don’t have anything to do with them. Really? Basically, you know? So um, okay, here’s some other articles, and then I will get to the questions.

All right, how to deal with a narcissistic family member. Avoid direct confrontation. I cannot say this enough. Because those with NPD are extremely sensitive to criticism. Calling a true narcissist. a narcissist typically backfires. I can’t tell you the number of times I tell people don’t effing do that. What do they do? They do it, and they’re like, Oh, my God, they blew up. And I’m like, Yes, that’s what they’re going to do. I told you that. So, it worsens the situation, regardless of any good intent behind the criticism or how constructive it is. Those with narcissistic personality disorder cannot will not ever reflect on their own behavior enough to see any truth behind what you’re saying. Instead, they typically become obsessed with proving that you’re the problem and demanding an apology. So, they’ll flip the script, and suddenly you’re the bad guy. If you feel you have to address the issue, try to be smart about how you have the conversation. Someone with NPD will only be receptive to negative feedback delivered in exceedingly small doses and laden with flattery, which is completely insincere. There’s no point instead of launching into launching right into the discussion with your grievances against them. Offer compliments first. I would recommend against this because you’re being inauthentic. Because there’s really not much to compliment somebody who’s an aggressor and an abuser and is calling people names and accusing them of things they didn’t do. So, I mean, you could do the whole I see your worth as a human being kind of thing, but they’re not going to get it because they don’t see their worth as a human being. That’s the problem. So um, okay, hold on. Um, specifically, try using the compliment sandwich, remember, so start with the good stuff, get to the heart issue. end on a good note. I can guarantee you, though, it’s not going to work. It’s not going to work. It’s really not going to work. You can try but the likelihood of success less than 10%. So just letting you know, all right, don’t accept harmful behaviors, period. For the same reason, it is typically futile to confront a narcissist; it is unwise to argue with one; an argument with a narcissist can also quickly turn into verbal abuse or start off as verbal abuse due to their lack of empathy and interpersonal skills. Someone with narcissistic personality disorder may even be able to manipulate you into believing that you’re the one with the problem by gaslighting you, a specific type of manipulation that involves getting someone to question their own reality because those with NPD are concerned with themselves and tend to see themselves as the hero. They may attempt to blame you for their behaviors. Oh, yeah. They view themselves as victims because they refuse to recognize that they play a part in any problem they have. Continuing to argue with a narcissist will only re affirm their perception, or their pre preconception that you are the one attacking them. Instead, disengage, disengage from the conversation and do whatever you can to remove yourself from the situation. If your toxic narcissistic family member becomes aggressive, abusive, or emotionally manipulative, you must make it clear you will not accept that kind of behavior.

So, if they send you a nasty gram, not answering is an answer. That’s basically saying, No buck stops here, I am not engaging, I am not playing your game, I am not going to engage, you’ve already decided on the bad guy, you’ve already spewed your nastiness, you’ve called me names you’ve done whatever you’re going to do.

30:42
Go have a nice life. Bye, you know what I’m saying? Don’t engage its narcissistic supply to them to give them an argument. It is. Okay, um, focus on choices. One key to dealing with a narcissist is first focusing on choices, both yours and theirs. People with narcissistic personality disorder often insist others treat them unfairly. And don’t give them the respect that they due. But they fail to see how their own behavior could impact the way others interact with them. You know, for example, coming at somebody with fangs bared and claws out, yes. And I’m going to give you a real good reception there. You know what I’m saying?

When a narcissistic family member starts talking like this, simply remind them that they have some choices in the situation. For example, remind them they can change how they act or who they choose to be around. Keep in mind that you have choices too, even if you can’t completely eliminate contact. And that is the case; in a lot of cases, and you can’t completely eliminate contact with somebody who has narcissistic personality disorder, you can still take measures to protect yourself and make sure their behavior is less harmful to you. You can choose to limit your time with them or make sure someone else is always around so that you are never alone with them. And that is hugely important. I cannot tell you the number of times I have clients that tell me they go to a family reunion, they go to a funeral, they go to a wedding, they go to a birth, they go to whatever, and the abuser tries to corner them. When they’re alone, they’ll go, they’ll follow him into the bathroom, they’ll, you know, start talking from the next stall, they’ll, you know, crazy, because they want an argument, and they want to be able to say whatever they want to say, and they don’t want witnesses. So, I’m sorry, if you can’t say this in front of the entire family, you probably shouldn’t be saying it. That’s an answer. There you go. And, of course, I am more upfront like that. I’m not going to put up with that crap. I’m not. I’m not. I’m 58 years old. I no longer have to put up with people’s crap. I don’t and you know what, I don’t care how old you guys are, you’re however old you are, you no longer have to put up with people’s crap. That’s the beautiful thing about self-esteem. It’s like boundaries. So Okay, continuing on, and then I will answer questions. Okay.

When restricting your contact with narcissistic family members clearly, communicate your boundaries, make sure they know you will break off contact if certain behaviors persist. So, this is if you still had a conversation with them, and you have been no contact for a while. So, you let them know. It’s like, okay, here’s the deal. You call me names. You get aggressive with me. You accuse me of things I haven’t done, you smear me to other family members, we’re done. So, there’s that.

33:29
All right, that technique puts the ball in their court by allowing them to choose whether or not they’re going to comply, they’re not going to comply. Set limits. And this is by the Taylor Counseling Group that just wanted to let you know that that’s Taylor Counseling Group set limits. Unfortunately, those with NPD often do not have a sense of boundaries, they may resort to manipulating others so triangulating communication, so they’re playing a game of operator to meet their needs. Although you cannot control the behaviors of a narcissist, you can control your own family members of a narcissist often become accustomed to being to enabling narcissists to avoid a fight. But you can refuse to participate in this cycle any longer by setting limits on what you will do. You may stop allowing your narcissistic family member to speak to you disrespectfully anymore or quit agreeing with any of their disparaging words that they say about others. So, they will come to other family members and attempt to smear. So, if the other family members are strong enough in their own self-esteem, they’re going to be like, Ah, no, I’m not. I get to have a relationship with whoever in this family. I want to. You’re telling me not to, because of what you’re saying. But you don’t get to tell me what to do. You know, so it’s stopping that triangulation. Oftentimes what I do when somebody tries to triangulate, and I haven’t had to do this in years, thank God. When somebody tries to triangulate, I’ll be like, Great, let’s get them on the phone. Let’s see what they really said. Because I’m a big enough person. But I can handle it. If they’re going to say that to you in private, then they can say it to my face, period. So, triangulation, you know. So, if you’re a family member and another disordered a disordered family member comes to you and starts smearing somebody else, you’ve got to tell them no, I’m not interested. I’m not interested. I’m not playing. I’m not playing your game. Not going to do it. Have a nice life. You know what I’m saying?

Okay, um, be prepared for the possibility that your narcissistic family member does not respect your boundaries. Those with NPD tend to view themselves as the most important person in the world. despite your best efforts to reach a compromise, the only effective solution may be to cut off contact completely. If this is the case, there is no shame in cutting ties for the sake of your own sanity.
Okay, getting any support and professional counseling, so again, they’re saying get with a good trauma therapist. So that’s this is the Taylor Counseling Group. Okay, one more article.
And this one is choosing therapy Five Tips for Dealing with your Narcissistic Sibling. Assert your boundaries. Number one, boundaries are very, very, very important not only to you but the relationship with your siblings’ strong boundaries can preserve a relationship, while weak ones may lead to you having to cut them off. Setting a boundary may look like this when your sibling berates and humiliates you in front of others, walk away. This may be going to another room, leaving in your car for a bit, or going home. Build your self-confidence. After years of gaslighting and abuse, your self-confidence has taken a beating. It can be hard to see yourself as a good person when you have been told otherwise your whole life. Ask people who know you well to help you come up with a list of your positive traits. Start this list and add to it over time. You can do the same for them. Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi excellent way to build your self-confidence. Know your limits, and when to walk away, wins take sometimes taking a break is the healthiest thing you can do. If you have shared responsibilities, care for elderly parents, etc. You do not need to be all things to all people. Your mental health matters. Take care of yourself engaging in self self-care goes beyond bubble baths. Be kind to yourself is a skill that you can work on. And it pays dividends. Start by examining the way you talk to yourself. Is your inner voice a critic? Or is it a cheerleader?

37:27
The Mountain is you: Transforming Self-Sabotage into Self-Mastery by Brianna West is a great place to start. There you go. There’s a great book. Speak with a therapist. Okay, when to get professional help for healing from narcissistic siblings. Stress about your siblings is spilling into other areas of your life. You suffer from low self-esteem and self-doubt. Your sibling is having a negative effect on you, your children, your spouse, or others in your life, and you need help setting boundaries. You want to look at your childhood and the ways your sibling impacted your mental health then and now. So there that is.

So basically, disordered siblings are not going to go get help, they’re not going to get better, they’re not going to change. They’re not going to they will blame you for everything that is wrong in their life, whether they don’t have a job, whether their adult children are not speaking to them, whether there, you know, an alcoholic or a drug addict, whether they’re lonely, whether it’s all your fault, it’s all who somebody else’s fault. Remember, you, you, you, you real adults take responsibility for their own words and their own choices. If they’re going to smearing you to other family members and the other family members are siding with the aggressor. Let them go with love. Okay. You know, I can’t. If you’re dedicated to believing that I’m a bad person, I am dedicated to not being around you. That’s really what it is. It’s like its people who are willing. Whether they’re family or not, people who were willing to believe the worst of you without speaking to you do not deserve the best of you. If a sibling comes out you and they send you a nasty gram or a nasty text or a nasty email, or an nasty voicemail, or whatever, you are under no obligation to respond. And in fact, I wouldn’t. If it’s abusive, don’t respond to it. That is a response. No response is a response. So anyway, I hope that answers that. So yeah, you just basically, and if it gets worse, if it gets bad enough, get a restraining order against them, if they continue to harass, if they continue to harm if they try to hurt you in any way, shape, or form. If they try to go after your business, if they try to whatever, get a restraining order. You know, especially if you’ve got the texts and the phone calls and the emails and the voicemails to show that they are harassing. So, there it is. Okay, let’s dive into the questions, shall we? Oh, wait, one last thing!
Can ruptured adult siblings repair the relationship or reconcile? Okay, even the death of one or both parents may do little to change things. Often an adult sibling will take on the role of the parent, that was the hardest to get along with and continue to scapegoat a sibling. Needless to say, money and inheritance may also play a role in continued old storylines. So, they’ll use an inheritance to hit somebody over the head with, you know, whether it’s a sibling or their children or whatever my dad did that, you know, my dad wrote more wills than Howard Hughes, depending on who he was mad at that week, he would write them in, write them out, write them in, write them out, write them in, write them out. Seriously, I’m not kidding you. And he would tell us all do what I want, or I’ll write you out, Cuckoo, Unwillingness to discuss the past. So, they’re unwilling to go get help. They’re unwilling to take responsibility for their own stuff. They insist that talking about the past is a sign of immaturity or weakness. Anyone who goes to therapy is weak. That kind of BS, no, strong people go to therapy. Cowards are the ones who avoid it.

So conflating blaming with holding someone accountable. So, they blame, and they think they’re holding them accountable, but in reality, they’re just abdicating responsibility for their own behavior. Not everyone wants reconciliation. One of the interesting findings was that while some respondents reported sibling estrangement is emotionally painful, others did not and said it had little or no ongoing emotional impact. And usually, those are the people who’ve done their own work. Some wished for reconciliations while others did not, which testified to the variations in how sibling relationships define the self. I personally never heard from an adult child estranged from a parent, and I include myself in that number who would not have grabbed for a magic wand to fix things. If it existed. Everybody’s different. You know, some people really feel the sting of the estrangement. Others kind of know, you know, it’s not their problems, not something they said or did. It’s this is their personal issue that they need to deal with their own therapist. So, and especially if you came from a disordered family, especially if there was abuse, you know, that that’s one of the indicators of sibling dysfunction.
So, okay, now let’s dive into the questions. All right to questions

My almost 30-year-old high-functioning autistic sister is being a flying monkey for my no-contact narc mom. She doesn’t understand how talking to our mom is bad. What do I do? You limit what you tell her. I’m sorry, but you’ve got to limit what you tell her. So, when somebody runs straight back to the abuser, so again, that’s siding with the abuser. That’s a form of parental alienation when it’s in a romantic relationship, right? But in a sibling relationship, if someone is not getting it, and she may not get it because of the autism. But if somebody is running back to the abuser and telling them everything, you limit what you tell them. It’s going to be a relationship that’s very surface. It’s going to be like, Hey, how about them Dodgers? You know, or whoever your favorite baseball team is. Dodgers and Giants are mine/ I have a real hard time with that because I grew up with the Giants. But then I really loved the Dodgers because they were the first team I ever saw. And their stadium was awesome. Oh my god. Anyway, sorry. Totally went off on a tangent. So basically, you limit contact. You just, you limit it to like surface. Not serious, not deep, not anything you don’t want to go back to the abuser if she hasn’t figured it out by now that this is not a healthy thing, then she’s not going to. So, you limit. You limit you keep it surface. You just don’t. You just don’t go deep. You don’t go deep, and you don’t say anything that you do not want to go back to the aggressor.

44:00
Okay, um, do narcissistic parents encourage older golden child sibling to abuse the younger ones so that they can turn the golden child into a mini-me version of themselves? Yes, 110%. They absolutely do. So again, if a child of a dysfunctional narcissistic family abusive, if they have not gotten help, again, I cannot say this strongly enough. If they have not gone to therapy, they are going to do one of three things. They’re either going to go crazy because that’s what happens in dysfunctional families. The kid goes crazy. They’re going to become an addict of some sort. Or they’re going to get help and become a champion. Okay? Or they turn into their they turn into their abuser, four things. Sorry, I can’t count. Four things. So, they turn into their abuser because they’re acting out their abuse. And they’re acting it out on other siblings, and they’re acting it out on their own children. And they’re acting it out with friends’ family, who knows, because it’s an inner child thing. They have not worked on the original abuse mom and dad over here. And instead of dealing with mom and dad over here, they decide that they’re going to, you know, what the funny thing of it is, is they usually say things like, I’m never going to act like mom or dad. And then they end up acting exactly like mom or dad because the inner child is the one driving the show. And the inner child is acting out their own abuse, trying to fix it, and it will never be fixed doing that. All you’re doing is creating more karma. All you’re doing is creating more harm in the world. And that’s never going to end well for that person. That’s doing it so.

45:32
Okay. So yes, they do, and the narcissistic parents actually enjoy it, because it’s like, oh, they’re going to carry on the abuse for me. Abusive half-sister is a copy of the narcissist, mom. Yes, they do. 110% They absolutely do. So again, if they haven’t gotten help, if you know, if they’re turning into that abusive parent, no contact, no contact, you don’t need to. They’re showing you who they are, be done, be done. You’re worth more, you’re worth more you cannot save them. And I think that is the saddest part. We oftentimes because we love we have a great deal of compassion, and especially if we knew what they went through growing up if we knew that mom or dad was abusive and was abusive to them and abusive to us abusive to everybody. We know that they’ve got issues, we know that they’ve gone through stuff, but if they’re unwilling to work on themselves and instead are spewing vitriol over everybody and blaming innocent people for their screw-ups. Nope, we’re done. I’m not going to participate in idiot compassion. I can have compassion. I can feel sad for them. I can feel empathy for them from a distance. They do not need to be screaming at me, because it’s not my problem. Does that make sense? Okay. Um, all right.

Do narcissistic parents care if a young younger child would die due to the abuse of a narc sibling? It is like the narcs only want the golden child there and couldn’t care less if the scapegoat would die. Narcissists are very odd around death. So, a lot of narcissists are Munchausen by proxy, and they will harm children in order to get attention. So, if a child dies, and they only care about the golden child, and they can have what is it? They can; what is its viable culpability? It’s like they’re able to do it wasn’t my fault, you know, that kind of thing. And then they revel in the attention that they get. Yeah, they don’t care. They don’t care. They don’t care. And yes, they do put all of their attention on to the golden child because the golden child is most like them. And remember, disordered people, whether that’s malignant borderline, whether that’s narcissist, whether that’s histrionic, any of them have very black-and-white thinking. And everyone must think and do the exact same thing that they think. That’s why when they send a nasty email, or a nasty text, or a nasty voicemail, they fully expect you to engage because that’s what they would do. That’s what they would do. And when that doesn’t happen, that’s when the smear campaign starts because they don’t understand why you’re not responding. Well, you must not have gotten it well, I’m going to make sure you get it. I’m going to turn this person against you so that you’re going to fight with me. Have fun with that. That ain’t never going to happen. Have a nice life. You know, that’s what they do. Because they expect everyone to be as vicious and nasty, and conniving as they are. Because they think everybody thinks the way they do, and people who don’t think the way they do are public enemy number one because they can’t relate to them. They can’t understand them. They can’t control them. They can’t manipulate them. So yeah, that’s Yeah, absolutely. Um, all right.

Both of my parents were narcissists. Now, brother and sister are too. I’m the scapegoat, and they hate me. They have divided me from my family. I have to have something wrong with me since I’m from the same family. What is it? No, you’re not. So, here’s the deal. You can have family, several siblings, and one or two will be personality disordered, and the rest will be not personality disordered. And again, if they hate you, and they’ve separated you from the family, and the family is going along with this. Just leave it alone because they are showing you who they are. And no one in the family is backing you up, and no one is standing up for you, and no one is kind, and no one is plausible deniability thanks that’s the word I was looking for my brain sometimes Thank you.

49:48
So, they’re showing you who they are. So family is not always blood. Family is not always blood. Go find your own family and that could be friends. Coworkers you know, who become friends, you know, it’s like, you don’t need the blood family if the blood family is painful, and harmful and hurtful. Go make your own with friends seriously, get a good therapist, get a good therapist, healthy, normal people do not look to harm others. They don’t sit there at a computer and think what the nastiest thing is I could say to this person. They don’t. Disorder people do that. So, if they’ve, if they’re hateful to you, let them go. If the rest of the family is not sticking up for you, let them go. Let them go. They’re not real family. Real family loves.

Real family loves. Love is the highest power. And I’ve seen a lot of these narcissists profess to be Christians, and yet they spew the most nasty, hateful, controlling, manipulative things I have ever heard. So, remember, communal Narcissts, they do that. They hide behind Jesus’s or Buddha’s robes and profess to know everything about you. I know you better than you know yourself. No, no, they don’t. You know you better than anybody, period, exclamation point, and, and they’ll even put down their own children. You Oh, well, you know, they’re easily led, they’re easily gullible. They’ll believe anybody, even though the kids are in their 40s. It’s like, wow, do you understand you’re insulting yourself? Because clearly, you didn’t do a good job of raising if that’s what you really think. You know what I’m saying? It’s like, wow, they’re just their logic is not there. They’re not logical. It’s why you don’t argue with them. That’s why you don’t respond. That’s why you don’t bother.

So um, so for you, I would definitely get with a good trauma therapist. Get with a good trauma therapist work on self-esteem Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. Stop walking on eggshells by Randy Krieger. C-PTSD from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. The Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker. So those are the ones that I would work on. Do the positive affirmations mirror work. Hi, good to see you. Have a great day. You know what, I’m your parent now. You the person on your parent now. I love you, and you are worthy of love. And then walk out. So, mirror work is hugely important when you’re re-parenting yourself from a dysfunctional family where they’re siblings that are still trying to continue to punish you or make you their scapegoat. You love yourself you work on you. You know who you are, rock solid like sun comes up in the East sets in the west. And don’t let any of these Jack wagons throw you off track. They’re going to try. Don’t let them. Don’t let them. Know who you are. You know you better than they do. Guaran-freakin-tee it. But they’ll lie to you and say, I know you better than you do. And bla bla bla bla and no they don’t! No they don’t! And anybody who tells you they know you better than you do. Run. Do not walk to the nearest exit. Okay.
All right, my loves we are done for today and I cannot remember what I’m talking about next week. But you guys go have a great week, and it’s going to be gorgeous here in the Valley of the Sun. It’s supposed to be in the 80s, although it’s supposed to rain, I think, on Wednesday. So anyway, that’s it. All right, you guys, be good to yourselves, super good to yourselves. And especially if you’re dealing with a disordered sibling. You don’t have to have contact with them. You get to decide the level of contact and if they’re abusive, don’t you put up with it! You don’t deserve that. Nobody does. All right, my love’s, I will talk to you later. Bye
54:01
Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.
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The post 03-12-2023 How to Deal With Siblings appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Okay, so before we dive into the topic, a little public service announcement I wanted to do something that’s been coming up for a lot of my clients and a lot of listeners. So social media, okay. People are comparing themselves to what they see on social media. And it’s damaging, because they’ll talk to me or they’ll, you know, they’re a client, they come in and we start discussing this and they start comparing themselves to what they’re seeing on social media.

So, for example, men will see stuff on social media, and they’ll start getting body shamed, because they’re seeing these guys that are, you know, cut and working out and you know, also have a full time job and this than the other women, same thing. women that are mothers are getting shamed, because some of these social media people have got, you know, tons of kids and the house is clean, and they look put together and this that the other thing, what you guys are not seeing is that those social media personalities are showing you what they want you to see you’re not seeing their everyday life, you’re not seeing the two o’clock in the afternoon meltdowns from the two year old, you’re not seeing the fact that this person who’s incredibly cut is being paid to work out six, eight hours a day, you know, every day, and you know, has got a sponsor or whatever. Do you see where I’m going with that?

So what is seen on social media you cannot, you cannot believe everything you see, the women that have got the 20 million kids the perfect house, the perfect hair, this that the other thing, what you don’t see is they probably have staff, they probably have somebody cleaning the house for them. They’ve got a beautician, they’ve gotten nannies they’ve got… when I lived in LA, and I was working in LA as a hairdresser. Every single one of my clients that was in the industry had a nanny, they had somebody that helped them with the children, they weren’t doing it all on their own. So if somebody’s got 100,000 million kids, and they’re saying, Oh, I’m doing it all on my own, they’re either lying, or they’ve got a nanny or do you see where I’m going with or they’ve got help somewhere. Okay, family members, friends, whatever.

So, the point is, is you cannot believe everything you see on social media. And so when our clients or anybody that’s like, oh my gosh, I’m feeling horrible about myself. Okay, you got to stop watching it, you got to stop watching the stuff that’s making you feel awful. Because nine times out of 10 is not even true. So you know, you’re not seeing what’s going on behind the scenes. You’re not seeing their everyday life. And the same thing goes with reality television, it drives me crazy. When I have people sit down and I’m like, Oh, I’m obsolete. I’m old. Well, whoa, whoa, whoa, where’d you get that ageist thing from? Well, you know, it’s, you know, everyone’s worried about turning 30 And I’m like, You’re just you’re still a puppy. You’re thirty, you got a long time ahead of you, God willing in the crick don’t rise, you know what I’m saying? So it’s this whole idea that you know, you’re not good enough do you hear where I’m going with that?

Kris Godinez  04:05

What does that sound like? Not even good. So if you’re watching Social Media, and if it is making you feel awful, It’s like that old song that was like a Graduation Commencement. You know, don’t read beauty magazines. They’ll only make you feel ugly. It’s the same thing. Briefly, I’m going to tell you a little story. I had a Playboy model come in when I was working as a hairdresser in LA. And she was so proud of her spread and I know I’ve told the story before but I’m going to tell it again. And so she came in and she had her spreadsheet was showing everybody and I swear to you, I looked at this spread. I looked at her. I looked at this spread. I looked at her and it didn’t even look like her. I would never know that was her. They had done all of the shaping and this this is before Photoshop. It was back in the early 90s. So you know, it didn’t even look like her and then she told me all of the and she was beautiful. Don’t get me wrong. She was Beautiful. But then she told me all of the plastic surgeries she had to stay relevant in this bizarre industry that is the entertainment industry. I mean, she’d had cheeks shaved and chin implanted and nose shaved and you know, boobs done and hips done and buttock implants and, and liposuction and I’m just like, Oh, my, how old are you? 21? What? Yeah, so no, no, no, no, no, with the side of no and an extra helping of NO. And the scariest part of it was that her breasts were rejecting the implants. This was right around the time that the whole problem with the silicone breast implants was happening. And she’s like, Yeah, they’re getting really hard. And I just don’t understand. And, you know, there’s that. And then she was talking about that. And I’m just like, Oh, my God, girl, get them out. Get them out, get them out. So yeah, it. Yeah, don’t read beauty magazines, they only make you ugly, feel ugly, because it’s a comparison to something that is not real.

Same thing with social media, if you’re seeing somebody who’s like, supposedly got their crap together, and yet they have all these kids or you know, their perfect body, you’re not seeing what they’re doing to get that. I was reading an article yesterday about body shaming and men. And how the MCU has been really hard on the average Joe, because all of these guys when they talk about their workout routines, especially Hugh Jackman, he goes above and beyond crazy dangerous, not healthy. To get that ripped cut bod, he literally would dehydrate for 36 hours before a shirtless scene, he would workout and then dehydrate and to do the shirtless scene so that the veins were popping and I’m just like, that is so that’s dangerous. So in these guys are doing literally eight hours a day working out different body groups, muscle groups every single day. That is their job, the average person who is working at a desk, you know, cubicle, you know, whatever we don’t, we’re not getting paid to work out eight hours a day. That’s not going to happen. I mean, we can hit the gym as much as we want. But literally, it takes eight hours a day hitting different body groups body muscle masses to get the superhero body, male, female doesn’t matter. So if you’re watching something, and it’s shaming you stop watching it. Just stop watching it. It’s not real, which then leads me into this next topic.

Ooh, so now we’re going to talk about why aren’t I over them yet? And believe me, this this kind of connects because the person we fell in love with wasn’t real. It’s kind of the same thing. It’s a little it’s yeah. Okay, so let’s talk about that.

Kris Godinez  07:53

So why is it so insanely hard to let go of our abuser? Okay, so there’s so much going on. I hope I can cover it in a half an hour. So think about what happens abusers look for people who are empathic they present to us the way that they think we want right? Oh, you like you know, it’s like Hans and Ana in Frozen. You like ice cream. I like ice cream. You like pizza, I like pizza you like you know, they mirror us and they make us believe that we have found our quote unquote soulmate. This is what they do. So it’s, it’s kind of a fantasy bond, we want to believe the best of them, because that’s how we are. That is how healthy normal people are, is we want to believe the best of people but what happens to us is, we fall in love with their potential because they show it to us, you know, they can fake it, they can do it for an incredibly short amount of time. So, they can fake the mirroring they can fake all of the good stuff that we value and like and you know that whole thing, but they can’t sustain it. But then that hooks us that hooks us with this illusion of this person that is kind and caring and funny and gentle and loves their kids and you know would be a good mom or a good dad or you know, whatever. So, it’s an illusion. It is the fantasy bond literally there is a book on it called love fantasy bond by I think it’s Robert Firestone great book, read it because we fall in love with the potential because we’ve seen them do and be the way that we wanted when they were in the love bombing phase. And that hooks us like ah like a fish so we get hooked.

Kris Godinez  09:59

So then when they flip and they start doing the devalue and the discard it is literally like cold water to the face, you know, ice water to the face, slap in the face, whatever it is like this, what the… you know? And it’s unbelievable because you’re like, wait, no, this is how you were, this is who you are. And it’s like, no, now they’re showing you who they really are. And it is… I can’t even describe it. It’s worse than a 7.2 earthquake. It is like every natural disaster happening all at once in your head, because they’ve been using your brain as a playground.

So they do the gaslighting they do the lying the cheating the stealing the flipping the script rewriting history. You know the come here, go away, come here, go away, come here, go away, you know that whole thing. And it messes with your mind. So, when they finally do the discard, the devalue and discard, and they start putting you down for all the things that they said they loved about you. What a head trip! And not in a good way. Some head trips are good, but this one is not. This is not a good head trip. This is a bad head trip. So, it’s the cognitive dissonance. It’s the…know you, you’re this way, but you’re doing this and you can’t accept it because you want to believe so badly that illusion that they sold you in the beginning.

So let’s talk about complicated grief. So, when these Jack wagons, kindest thing I can say for them, pull this kind of utter moo. They do devalue the discard, we get away from them, right. It is really insanely hard to heal. It is not impossible, but it is hard. And what makes it hard is that usually not always. But usually the abuser will do this continued hoovering. You know, Oh, baby, baby, I’ll change everything will be different. Blah, blah, blah. And so then we want to believe the potential. So, we run back and then the love bombing starts for a very short amount of time, every time you go back, the love bombing gets shorter and shorter and shorter. It takes on average, seven times leaving on average, that means 50% above 50% below to finally make the clean break and get away from these people.

So it’s so hard because we’ve got that empathy we fallen in love with the potential we could possibly be codependent. You know, wanting them to be okay. I can fix them love will heal them. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Love is not going to heal them. I wish wouldn’t that be? Wouldn’t this be a wonderful world if love was enough? It would be fantastic. I could retire and finally go live by the beach. That would be awesome. You know, but it’s not it’s love is not going to heal them. They do not feel the way you and I feel, they don’t have empathy. They don’t really truly care about anybody else. It is me me I,I,I more my genitals that seriously. That’s all they care about. So, when that happens, we’re dumbfounded. We’re shocked, like literally shocked. Like I said, every single natural disaster happening all at once. Because it’s like your mind blown. Like what the what just? Who what? They will say the most horrible things, they will do the most horrible things. And then they go away and then they started hoovering. And the wait could be anywhere from days, hours, days, weeks, months to years, decades, even I have seen them try to Hoover after 20 plus years was just like really, usually what happens is they run out of everybody else.

Kris Godinez  13:53

So they’re going back through the little black book boy, I’m dating myself on that one. But they’re going through their little black book trying to find a previous romantic partner that they can, you know, hook back into the system and get narcissistic supply from. So complicated grief plays into this because basically they have put a hand mixer in our brain and started stirring and doing the discard and the devalue and the gaslighting and the lying and the rewriting history, the love bombing and the hoovering and this, that and the other thing. So please don’t beat yourself up. This is this is hard to heal from is not impossible, but it is more challenging that if then if it were a healthy breakup, so there are such things as healthy breakups.

So, for example, you’re dating somebody and you realize, you know, I really love this person, but we’re just not there’s just not the right chemistry or it’s just not working or their values are different or they don’t want kids and I do or they do want kids and I don’t or you know and then you amicably I know it’s What a weird concept. amicably breakup. Those do occur amongst healthy people. Those do occur. Does it hurt? Yeah. Do you miss the person? Absolutely. Is there any of this longing and, you know, desperately wanting to connect back with them or falling susceptible to a Hoover? No, not really. Because in a healthy breakup, you guys talk it through, you realize you’re not meant to be and you let each other go, you are released to the wild to go find your happiness or whatever. And there’s no, there’s no recriminations. There’s no nastiness, there’s no it’s just hey, it didn’t work out. It didn’t work out, believe it or not, there are some divorces that go like that. Which are few and far between. But yeah, that does happen when somebody is healthy.

With an abuser, however, they are all ego, it can never be their fault. And if you throw kids into the mix, this makes it really hard to heal because they are constantly, you’re constantly seeing them. They’re constantly coming back into your life. They’re constantly, you know, there right. Okay, let’s say there’s no kids, okay? And again, the whole key is, is they’re always they’re always they’re always there, right? If there are no kids, do you want to know where they are? Right up here in your head. So, with an abuser, when they finally discard us, or we leave, or they leave, or whatever, because of the cognitive dissonance because of all the gaslighting because of all the lying, because of all the manipulation because of all the things that they do. We ruminate, oh, Lord, do we ruminate? You know, we’ll Okay, well, if I had done this, and if I had said that, or, you know, if I just twisted myself into this pretzel, then maybe they’d still be…. no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you cannot fix them. You cannot fix them because you did not break them. And because of the codependency we have a tendency to ruminate and roil that over and over and over in our head. Like, whoa, what about this? What about that? And what if I said this? Or what if I did this differently? Or what if I gave up my job or whatever? Mm hmm. Danger, danger, danger, danger, Will Robinson Danger, danger, you know, ah, don’t do that.

So, then you throw the complicated grief on top of that. So, oh, Lord, there’s so much going on in recovery here because there’s so much going on in the abuse. So, it’s really important to get with a good trauma therapist, I cannot stress that enough. Get with a good trauma therapist, trauma therapist, because they need to understand the whole PTSD, CPTSD thing you have been gaslit you have been lied to. And that’s why it’s making it hard because that little kid inside of you wants to believe them, and wants to believe that you are the answer that you can love them into health. And you can’t, you can’t I wish you could, but you can’t.

So let’s talk about complicated grief. complicated grief is finally took them long enough Welcome to the 21st century, being recognized by the DSM group, okay, so complicated grief is where it goes on for a longer amount of time than with a quote unquote, normal grief. So let’s define this shall we? Normal grief, the most intense, the most intense part of the grieving process is in that first year, because you have to get through all of the firsts. So, if you’ve got your abuser living up here, rent free in your head, it’s really hard, even after all of the firsts are gone, because that person is the first thing on your mind in the morning and the last thing on your mind at night.

Kris Godinez  18:52

So, in healthy grief, in the most intense part, it’s a year getting through all the firsts. So that first year you have to get through the new normal, right? You know, this person is gone, right? In the second year, it’s okay, now what? Okay, I’ve gotten through all the first I’m going to have to come up with a new way of doing all of the holidays or thinking about what happened or whatever. And hopefully in this second year, you’re working on the abuse, you’re working with a trauma therapist with the grief and the abuse so that you kick them out of your head so that they’re not the first thing on your mind first thing in the morning last thing at night. The third year then kind of becomes unhealthy grief becomes the new normal. This is this is the way it’s going to be this is the way I’m going to do things. They’re starting to become a distant memory right or not a distant memory but it’s not that intense grief.

Okay. Because of the abuse because of the codependency because of the way that they treated us. We have a tendency to Keep bringing them back up. So we keep bringing them back up, we keep bringing them back up, we keep bringing them back up. And that keeps stimulating all the things in our brain, right? That create the thought of continuing to think about them, it’s a way of keeping them close without actually having to be with them. I know, it’s weird, but that’s what we do. And we do that in normal grief, too. You know, when somebody dies, we start you know, oh, hey, this was their favorite food, or, Hey, this was something they did that they really liked. And it’s a way to keep them relevant or up here and current and close to us, right. So it’s kind of the same thing with complicated grief. But it’s an unhealthy it’s a maladaptive way of fixing the person. So you know, so for me with my dad, I realized, thank God through my good therapists, that I was angry at my dad and I continued to stay angry at my dad as a way to continue to try to fix it, because the little kid inside of me was like, dammit, I’m going to fix this. I’m going to make it right. I’m going to end and then and then and then Okay, thank you little when you can’t. So it’s really important to work on the inner child workbook, either by Katherine Taylor, or by Luccia Capachione. It’s really important to get CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, it’s really important to go through the grief and acknowledge it. But don’t make it pretty, is what I’m trying to say. Because a lot of people kind of minimize the abuse, a lot of people kind of, oh, it wasn’t that bad or key? Look at all the great things about them when they were love bombing. So you definitely want to write things out. This is where writing it out is going to help you. So when your brain starts taking that lovely little trip down memory lane and going but, they were wonderful. Okay, they were wonderful in the love bombing phase. How was it afterwards? How did they treat you how, when they revealed themselves for who they were, what happened, you know, write all of that out, it takes a long time to punt them out of our heads. Because of the nature of the come here, go away, come here, go away, come here, go away. The gaslighting the rewriting history, the literally taking an egg beater to your brain and up is down black is white, green is yellow. Everything else, you know what I’m saying? So, it’s the cognitive dissonance, it’s all of this stuff. Plus the fact our inner child is trying to fix it, especially if they reminded us of a family member. So you got to work with that inner child and be like, Nope, we’re not going to think about them. So it takes longer to get over them because there is more damage than if it were a healthy breakup, which does exist.

So, what to do if the first thing that happens is they pop into your head, you’re going to have to do thought stopping you seriously are. So, for example, after my dad, and after I realized what I was doing, you know, and I would start to get angry or I’d start thinking about it. I’d have to be like, Oh, hi, dude. Guess what? No, no, y’all are dead. Y’all are dead by go buh bye. Bye. Bye now. Bye bye.

Kris Godinez  23:21

So in that case, he was already dead. Now for somebody who is alive. When they pop up. You have to acknowledge it. Yeah, I hear you. And I see you and you are irrelevant. You have nothing to do with my life. And I don’t want you to have anything to do with my life. My life, even though the inner child might be going. But you have to go… honey, no, they are not healthy for us send them on their way. So you have to kind of remind yourself what did they do? What how did they treat you? You know, and this is why it’s so hard to let go because we’re empaths. And we’re, you know, we were also codependent and we want to heal them. We want to fix them. We want to fix whatever happened in the family of origin. We want to do all of that.

So it takes a long time to get over it. It three years is what I say. Because it’s like, with a healthy breakup, I would say probably a year because it’s kind of like it was healthy. You guys left on amicable terms. You came to grips with it, everything’s good. With an unhealthy breakup, they lie they tell you it was all you they lie to you about who you are. And that inner child is just taken hits like nobody’s business. And so the inner child was like But, but, but… you know, wanting to fix that wanting to express that wanting to heal it wanting to work it through, etc. That’s why I’m saying get with a good trauma therapist. You don’t need to be fixing it with them. Fixing it with the abuser is never going to work. So that’s the reason why you’re not over them yet. So in the first year, it’s going to be okay, they’re not here. We’ve broken up. Oh my gosh, they’re hoovering me. Wow. Leave me alone so I can heal, you jerk. You know what I’m saying? And then the second year is like, Okay, now I’m going to create new traditions and I’m doing all of that third year is going to be making sure that when they pop up, you’re just sending them on their way they are irrelevant to your life, they are never going to change. And I suspect that that’s part of what makes it so difficult. Because we want them to change. We want them to be healthy, we want them to love and to feel and to be quote unquote, normal, you know, and to not be jerks, basically. So yeah, you’re going to have a harder time letting go.

So this is where detachment is hugely important. Radical Acceptence Tara Brach, Radical Forgiveness for yourself and that’s by Colin Tipping radical, radical, Radical Self Forgiveness by Tom Collins having radical forgiveness for the self, because we tend to blame ourselves. So yeah, healthy, healthy grief is a lifetime process. You know, I still miss my grandmother’s, not plural. One, I missed one of them. The other one can go pound sand. But you know, my grandmother, I miss her a lot. You know, she was awesome. And I think about it, I don’t tear up like I used to, because it’s been a long time. But you know, Grief is a lifelong process. And yeah, every once in a while, that person will pop in your head. But when they do, you have got to send them on their way. You don’t need to invite that thought in for coffee. You don’t need to play with it. You don’t need to do the what ifs are the if only’s. So that’s another reason why the grief is harder to let go getting over them. It’s harder to let go because we do the what if, if onlys? Well, if only they were saying if only the god help if only they were, you know, willing to work on themselves. If only they were you know, I did the same thing with my dad when he died. So, um, yeah, so Okay. All right. How are we doing on time we are doing good.

So let’s just recap here. It is harder, it is not impossible. When the abuser pops up into your head and you want to start ruminating about it. You acknowledge the thought, Thank you. I hear you. I see you. I am not playing. We are done here. You’re out of my life. Buh bye. Another thing that you can do is you can go they weren’t real because they weren’t because this whole you know, mirroring stuff that wasn’t real. They were in illusion. It was the fantasy bond. Oh, there’s my favorite fantasy. Wow, that’s awesome.

Kris Godinez  27:29

Thank you for playing favorite fantasy. You know what, you weren’t real. I am not wasting one more second on you. Goodbye, go pound sand write when you get work. Buh bye now, buh bye. Do you see where I’m going with that? It’s like the thoughts are going to happen, but you don’t have to invite them in. And another good thing to do is to work on self esteem. Remind yourself of your worth, remind yourself that you did not deserve any of the lies, any of the discard or the devalue or the nastiness, or the gaslighting or the rewriting history or the cheating or the stealing or any of that. So Self Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. Fabulous book. The other thing is write them a goodbye letter, like a goodbye letter like goodbye. So the good, if there was any there may not have been but if there was okay the love bombing phase Wow. In the beginning, you made it sound like you liked everything I liked and that we were the perfect match. And this, that, and the other thing, the bad, your masks started to slip, and you started to get hyper critical of everything I said and did and the ugly the devalue and the discard. And then you started calling me names and then you started cheating. And then you started stealing and then you started rewriting history. And then you started a smear campaign and then you started you know, do you see where I’m going? It’s like you kind of got to go through all of that. And at the very, very end, you take your power back. Okay, you know what? I grieve the loss of this illusion. That’s what I miss. That’s what I wish was still here. I do not miss all of this. And in fact, all of this is who your abusers really are. So you know what? You can just go pound sand mother Clucker you know what I’m saying? Not my coop, not my poop. It’s up to you, buddy. This is all your stuff. Not mine. Goodbye, buh bye now I’m by taking my power back, get out of my head.

Kris Godinez  29:27

I’m raising the rent. You’re not allowed here. I’m filing a restraining order with the angels. You know what I’m saying? And you just put them out in that letter, trot it out to the barbecue. Read it out loud once. Burn it, let it go. That’s going to help your brain kind of go. Oh, okay, this is done. We’re Yeah, we’re done. Yeah, period on that sentence, okay. Because you’re never going to get closure from them. And that’s part of the reason why it takes so long because there’s never that. You know, thank you for this relationship. It just didn’t work out, you know, I wish you well, there’s never any of that ever, ever, it’s not real if they do so because then they come back and start recriminations and everything else. So basically what it is you write the goodbye letter, you make sure that they’re evicted from your head. You trout it out to the barbecue, you burn it. And you do that as many times as you need to until it kind of clicks. I wasn’t in love with the real person, I was in love with the illusion. Wow. And the illusion was amazing. They did a great job of mirroring. Which is why I keep saying, Can you guys see how amazing you are? Seriously, they mirrored the best of you back to you. So you kind of fell in love with yourself in a way they were just pretending to have the same qualities that you did. So Wow, dude, you know, you showed me the best of me. And I fell in love with that. And that’s who I am. That’s not who you are. So the real you is the one that did all these horrible things. So go pound sand and have fun with that. Buh bye. So that’s what you’re going to do. And that’s why it makes it hard because you have to really allow yourself to see you fell in love with the mirroring of you back to you. It was an illusion. They were not that. You’re that! You’re awesome! They’re not. So okay. I think that should cover that.

So that is why it is so hard to get over them because we’re dealing with all of these multifaceted things going on in our brain, cognitive dissonance, the devalue, the discard, the shock of the mask slipping, you know, all of this stuff going on. So all right. I think that’s it. So I hope that answered your question. That is why it takes so long to get over them because there’s so many, there are so many things going on psychologically, you know, your your inner child got triggered. They lied. They cheated. They stole they gaslit, they rewrote history, they messed with your mind cognitive dissonance. You know, up is down. Black is white, green is yellow, you know, and that messes with you. And grief is hard. Anyway, you know, the first two years suck for any grief, any grief. But with complicated grief. It can be three to five years trying to work stuff through. So that’s why I’m saying get with a good trauma therapist. Start doing the books that I recommend. Start really cutting yourself some slack. This is an abnormal situation Healthy People don’t act like this. Healthy People don’t seek to destroy others. So there it is. Alright, let’s get to the questions.

Oh, actually, one thing I did want to read Psychology Today, what everyone should know about prolonged grief. Okay, so it’s finally they’re being accepted by the DSM. So prolonged grief is where it’s super intense, overwhelming. And that’s how we feel. They finally gave a formal diagnosis on the DSM, which is good. So, getting a proper diagnosis helps psychotherapy, obviously somebody who specializes in PTSD and bereavement, trauma, trauma therapist, they say medication, I’m going to say no on that. So, I honestly feel… it bothers me because in our country, it seems like grief is treated as if it’s abnormal. Have you ever noticed that? So, when I was working at the grief clinic in Scottsdale, the new song center, we literally had a person whose son died son, child, you know, and her employer after a week was telling her to stop crying. I’m like, okay, narcissist, jerk.

Kris Godinez  33:35

You know, I mean, so our relationship to grieving and death in this country is really screwed up. So it’s really important to allow yourself to grieve because you are grieving the loss of the illusion of the person you thought they were, as opposed to who they really were. So, allow yourself to grieve that loss, they were mirroring you back to you and that person was great, but the real them was not. So, Robert Firestone the fantasy bond, great book highly recommend it! That’s going to help with the grieving process. Connection can, feeling it can leave you feeling detached from other people and especially if you’ve got Flying Monkeys doing their thing find your support group, find the people who are going to support you and understand grief if anyone in your circle does the whole Oh, it’s been a year get over it you kick their hinny to the curb. Absolutely and go no contact because they’ve just shown you who they are. So, in especially if after you’ve educated them about what grief really is grief is lifelong grief is life long, but the most intense is the first year so if they’re like you know Oh, you need to get over it. You need to go suck something like an egg. Okay, thank you. So, kick them out. Kick him out, kick them out. Kick them out. Kick him out. Boy, I wish I could swear I can’t but you know what I was saying! So anyway, Okay, um, all right. And then this one says, Remember, it’s what this is for normal, intense grief, you know that you want to have something to honor them with. In this case, you want to have something to remind yourself, that they lied to you that they were not real, that what you loved was an illusion that that that this thing that you fell in love with was mirroring you back to you, and who they really were, is all of the horrible things they did to you. So, you need to write that stuff out. You need to allow yourself to grieve, and it’s going to be a lot of crying, and it’s going to be a lot of anger, because you got hurt. Remember, anger is not a pure emotion. Love is love. Lust is lust, happy, happy, sad is sad. Anger is driven by the fear of being hurt all the vulnerable emotions, it’s the bodyguard of those. So, allow yourself to… Yeah, you’re going to get angry, but then connect with what’s underneath it. And what’s underneath it is usually the betrayal. So, there it is. And that’s why you’re not over them yet. That’s why they ruminate in your head. That’s why they run around in your head. That’s why you think about them all the time. Because it’s an abnormal situation. And because it’s hard for the internal child, the inner child to reconcile that you didn’t love them, you loved the illusion. So that’s what you’re going to work on. So there it is. Oh, that was a big topic.

All right, let’s dive into the questions. Let me make this bigger. Because there we go. Is it common for narcissists to hound down their targets when they go no contact? Oh, yes. Let me answer this part of it first, and then I’ll answer the second half of it. So, when you are dealing with an abuser who is a dark triad, which means narcissistic, psychopath, Machiavellian, control freak, they are the ones who stalk and they are dangerous. They are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, like cuckoo, cuckoo, like crazy, like totally professional term cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. They… I mean, they are just, yeah, because they’re all ego, okay. And they’re also antisocial, meaning the laws don’t apply to them in their head, they truly feel like they can do whatever they want. And they’re smarter than the cops, and they’re smarter than you. And they’re smarter than everybody. And I’m going to get you, you hurt my ego, I’m going to get you. And so they stalk. They cyberstalk, they physically stalk, they, they’re the ones that gather the flying monkeys, do the smear campaign, try to harass and make your life miserable. If you have one of those, you are going to get a restraining order. Okay, first of all, you’re going to document everything, document everything, all the cyber stalking all the physical stalking, get witnesses, you’re going to go to your local court, you’re going to file a restraining order, okay, or an order of protection. It’s called different things in different states. So here in Arizona, if it’s not a marriage thing, it’s an order of protection.

Kris Godinez  37:57

If it’s just a stranger, you know, you’re not related to them, no marriage, blah, blah, blah, you have all your evidence with you, you’re going to fill out the form, you’re to hand back into the clerk, they’re going to take you up to the courtroom, you’re going to get it that day. So it is, in some cases, harder to get a restraining order. But if you have a whole bunch of evidence, like their cyber stalking, here’s, here’s this note, here’s that note, here’s what they’ve said in this email, blah, blah, blah, most judges are going to be like, granted, we’re done. Then what you’re going to do is you’re going to take it to a process server, and you’re going to pay them I think it was like 80 or $100 to have it done. You’re going to pay them and you’re going to give them all of the information they need to find them and serve them. So once they’ve been served, you’ll get a notice back that they’ve been served. What a lot of these creeps do is they think they’re smarter than the judges. They think they’re smarter than the attorneys. They think they’re smarter than you. They’ll try to fight the order protection. Now. Here’s something that drives me crazy when people don’t listen to me. Do not contact them. Do not respond to them. Okay, once you do, you’ve broken the order of protection. And you’ve shown that you’re not that afraid of them and the judge will have a really hard time reinstating in order protection and then they’ve got the evidence they need that you’re not serious. Do you understand where I’m going with that? Now remember, I’m not an attorney. But this is basically what I’ve seen over and over again, where the target of abuse gets hoovered falls for it contacts them. Nobody’s going to believe you if you keep saying that they’re harassing you, if you continue to contact them, you’ve got to go no contact, it’s got to be no contact. You get the order of protection, and then you report them to the police. Now, this is where it gets sticky. Some police officers clearly don’t know the frickin law, because I’ve had some of them be like, Oh, well you know, I’m not going to or not file a report… you go over their head, you leave footprints on their scalp, you asked for somebody higher up and you get it filed. If they have broken the order of protection, if they have contacted you in any way, shape or form if they have come closer than 500 feet to you, if that’s what it is in the, in the order of protection, you call the police every single freaking time and do not take no for an answer from some of these Jack wagons that are on the police force. Because remember, narcissists are attracted to positions of power, and some of them are police officers, you know what I’m saying? So, okay, you’re going to call every single freaking time. Okay. I’m sorry, I totally forgot what I was doing.

Do they hound down their targets after no contact? Yes. Because their egos cannot stand it that you’ve gotten away that you’re not playing. Because remember, when a narcissist has a favorite target, that’s their favorite target. And then if the favorite target goes away, well, now they’ve got to find another supply. If you’re not responding, you’re not playing the game. They’re not getting the narcissistic supply. So yes, they will hound and hound, and hound, and hound and hound, hoping that you’re going to respond back to them do not! Get evidence of all the hounding. Get evidence of all the phone calls, get evidence of all the text messages or emails take them to the court, get an order of protection. And then follow up with calling the police every single time and demand that they write it down. There you go.

So there’s that. Okay, let me get the second half of this. I went no contact with a narcissistic family and didn’t feel any guilt at all. But they wouldn’t even let me get over them. Yes, that is exactly it. Because here’s the thing, what narcissists will say, and I have heard them say this, love me or hate me, just don’t ignore me. My dad used to say that all the damn time. So yeah, love me or hate me, just don’t ignore me. And so when somebody goes no contact, it drives them crazy. So, you just keep no contact, block, ignore block, ignore, block, ignore. Get all the evidence together, restraining order boom done. Will they continue to do that after the restraining order? Yeah, I had one that was completely insane. That continued to try to contact through family members and this that and the other thing. And I finally had to be like, you realize that every single person you’re getting to act on your behalf is going to go to jail. Right? It stopped. So, but do you see where I’m going with that? So it’s, yeah, they’re cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. So yeah, they need the narcissistic supply like the rest of us need oxygen.

My difficult husband is really trying not to rage be generous and nice. But I’m feeling an angsty energy from him today. How do I know if it’s him or me?

Kris Godinez  42:50

People are moody including me. Okay, so here’s the thing. Raging is not normal. Raging is not normal, normal, healthy people Do not rage. Do they get angry? Yeah, for sure. You know, but when you’re angry, you name what you’re angry about. It’s not the you, you guns, and it’s not this crazy. Over the top raging, throwing things, etc, etc, etc. So angsty energy. Okay, well, I don’t know, because I’m not you and I’m not your husband. Could it be coming from him? Maybe could it be coming from you? Probably. Why? Because if things are calm, with somebody who rages, we sit there and we wait for the other shoe to drop. We do because that’s what we’re used to. And so we’re waiting for the catastrophe. So um, I strongly suggest that you start working on self-esteem and boundaries, boundaries with the disease to please by Harriet Braiker. The self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. Take very good care of yourself write things out. You know, if this person has just got fleas, okay. Like they had family that, you know, did this kind of thing. And they’re working on it. And they’re not raging. Okay, that’s great. And they’re continuing to grow. That’s great. But actions speak louder than words. So if they go for a period of time, and they’re good, and all of a sudden, they explode, and then they go for a period of time and they’re good, and they all of a sudden explode. They’re showing you who they are, believe them the first time. So is it normal to be angsty or anxious when somebody is changing behavior? Yeah, it is. But again, look to the actions look to the consistency how constant are they in their behavior? So there it is, okay. Um, okay.

When terrible things abusers used to say to us keep reoccurring in our minds. Could that be part of the grieving or sign of missing them? Well, it could be but it’s also I think, the inner child. So when a kid gets accused of something that they did not do. They are like, it’s not fair. But this is not true. So it’s probably the inner child. So I would look to, did this happen in your family of origin? Does this spark something for when you were a little kid? Were you unjustly accused of things? Or were you told things about yourself that were not true? And who does this really belong to?

Kris Godinez  45:34

So again, at that point, the horrible things that they said, and they do, they say, some of the most vile, nasty, you kiss your mother with that mouth, you know what I’m saying? I mean, they just they say some of the horrible, most horrible things ever, and they’re intended to hurt. So when those pop back up in your mind, you’re going to challenge them, you’re going to write a go screw you letter, go pound sand letter, a go pound sand letter to the abuser. And you’re going to write it out. Hey, you said this to me. Guess who you we’re really talking about yourself, Mother Clucker. You see where I’m going with that? Because that’s usually what it is. Oh, my God. They are. narcissists are insane number one. But number two, every nasty, vile thing they say about you is really about them. Seriously, I’m not kidding you. They all accuse their target of abuse, of cheating. But the target of abuse isn’t cheating. They’re the cheater. They’ll accuse the target of abuse of being ugly and horrible and, and vicious. And this that and the other thing well, but it’s not the target of abuse, It’s the abuser. So remember, they project. So every rotten thing that they’ve ever said is really about them, put it back to them. Chapter three CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker, put it back to them. It’s not yours, that nasty thing that they said to you, that was about them. They’re talking about themselves. Normal people do not seek to harm hurt or destroy. Let me be clear about that. Normal people do not seek to harm hurt or destroy it is not their desire or want or need or intention. With abusers they have to, because it’s the ego, it’s the ego. They’re 100% ego and all they want to do is hurt. Because they are just horrible human beings. And they want everyone else to feel as crappy as they do. So when those thoughts pop up, write them out, hand them back, guess what mother clucker this was your thought, Oh, I’m a horrible person. Well, let’s talk about what you’ve done. Shall we? Do not send it! Trot it out to the barbecue. Read it out loud once burn it, let it go. Yep, best thing you can do for these Jack wagons. Never think of them again. live your best life. Go have fun. Love yourself. So the polar opposite of whatever they said. You reaffirm to yourself who you really are. Mirror work. Hi, good to see you. Have a great day. You know what? You are enough! You know what? You are beautiful! You know what? You are kind! You know what? You… so everything they said, you reinforce what is really true. Because every nasty and negative. They’re talking about themselves. Put a write back to them because it’s not yours. You put that luggage back on the carousel, it’s not yours. Put it back. So hand it back off to them. Okay, let’s see. Um, okay. And I do think that’s part of the inner child. I think it’s that but it’s not true. So hand it back to them. It’s not in there. And here’s the thing, guys, I sometimes have people wanting to contact them to tell them all this stuff. Don’t! You would have a deeper conversation with my screen thing back here than you would with a narcissist. They are never, you are not going to get closure from them. It doesn’t exist not with them. You’re not going to get what you’re looking for. You’re not, so the closure you have to get is within you seriously. So that’s why I’m saying write and burn. Do not send this to them. All you’re doing is handing them more ammunition. My dad and his first wife sent nasty letters back and forth to each other for 45 years. The day the week he died, he got one from them. And they were constantly recriminations and throwing things back and you did this and you did that and done it at it. Do you think that ever solved anything? No. No, all it did was give them ammunition to keep it going because it was all ego. All ego. So what you’re going to do is you’re going to write it out, hand it back to them. Hey, that’s not who I am. I know who I am and who I am is good enough. Beautiful. I don’t need to be perfect. I just need to be good enough. I’m aiming for the middle road and I’m going to live my best life. Go pound sand, bye, bye now, buh bye. Do you see where I’m going with that? And then do the mirror work to reinforce who you really are. Because who you really are is not what they told you. So there is that! Okay.

My ex-girlfriend told me that she would be the only one who would ever be together with me and that nobody else would be with me. Oh my gosh. Is that normal for abuse? By the way I left. Oh Lordy. Yes. Oh my gosh, yes. So what, this is another thing they say is we’re breaking up with them, especially if we leave them that no one will ever love you. No one would ever put up with you. You’ll never find anybody else like me will good! I hope so. Because you’re a jerk. You know what I’m saying? They do that they absolutely 110% No one will ever love you, you’ll never be with anyone else.

Kris Godinez  50:24

You know, I’m the penultimate, you know, you’re never going to find anybody. They’re talking about themselves again. Here’s the deal, guys. Unless the abuser can find somebody who is so low in their self-esteem that they’re never going to leave. Okay? They eventually get alone, the abusers, old age homes are filled with them. I’ve told these stories on 1000 times, they’re filled with collapse narcissist. And that’s going to be a topic in September that I’m going to talk about as a collapsed narcissists. So they’re the ones that are going to be alone. They’re the ones who are not going to find anybody. They are the ones that are going to be miserable, and nobody’s going to love them. Because by the time they hit middle age or older, everybody is done with their crap. Like seriously, children, family, friends, they’re done. They’re done. It’s like, I’m sick of the drama. I’m sick of the chaos. I’m sick of the lies, wer’e done. And they ended up alone. They do. And so they’re talking. They’re predicting their own fate is what they’re doing. And again, they’re projecting because that’s their worst fear. They can’t deal with it. They can’t cope with it. So they’re going to project it onto you. And in their little head. They’re like, Ah, you’re going to be alone. Well, no, the abuser is going to be allowed. Nobody’s going to put up with them. When they reach a certain point in their life when their looks are gone. And the money is gone. And they can’t control and manipulate anymore. Nope, sorry. Nobody’s going to put up with you. You are irrelevant. fun with that. And the ego can’t handle that. So that’s why they say things like that. So don’t worry, you’re fine. Go live your best life, work on self-esteem. Work on self-esteem. And by the way, kudos for getting out of that relationship, because it is hard. Not impossible. But it is hard and do not believe any of the nasty things that they said because they’re just trying, they’re throwing spaghetti at the wall to try to see what’s going to stick basically. So there that is okay. Let’s see, how are we doing on time? Oh, we’re doing good. Um, okay. Yes, that is very common with abusers. And yeah, they, especially the grandiose ones, because they can’t, especially if you left because it’s like they can’t conceive of somebody figuring them out because they think they’re smarter than everybody else. And they also cannot conceive of somebody leaving them because they think they’re smarter than everyone else and that they can manipulate and this and the other thing, so they throw everything they can so yeah, absolutely.

The self-esteem workbook. I’m stuck a chapter states that all humans are good at the core. I do not agree. I have a very pessimistic view of humans as a whole. How can I complete this book? Okay. Look at babies. Look at babies, puppies, babies, kittens. We do not pop out of the womb, dictators are nasty, or vicious or horrible or awful or terrible, or angst-filled or anxious or depressed or anything else. Unfortunately, adults are the ones that do that to us. So, realize I’m coming from a Buddhist perspective, you know, practicing Buddhist practicing Christian and Buddhist philosophy is my thing. So our core is goodness, right? At the core of psychopaths and narcissists, probably not, but also realize, psychopaths and narcissists generally don’t seek to improve themselves. Psychopaths and narcissists only go to therapy, if they’re looking to manipulate, control or doing it for a court reason or whatever. If you are doing the self-esteem workbook to improve yourself and to make yourself a better human being, congratulations, you have worth at your core. So gentle with you. Pessimism is a defense mechanism that helps when we are in a horrible situation.

Kris Godinez  54:26

So if we expect the worst and it happens then we’re not disappointed, basically, but it doesn’t work when we are away from that family of origin or out of that abuse and we’re trying to heal. So you don’t want toxic positivity, either. Balance, everything is balanced, everything is balanced, everything is balanced. So come back to the idea that you have worth. If you are bettering yourself, you have worth narcissists and psychopaths, like I said they They’re not really interested in healing, they’re not really interested in changing, they’re not really interested in growing, they have no desire to better themselves, they have no desire to relinquish control, and they’ll never change. And that’s why because they’re unwilling to get vulnerable. They’re unwilling to let go of the ego. They’re unwilling to have empathy or sympathy or anything else connecting truly to another human being. So yeah, people generally have to be taught to be complete, Jack wagons, now then again, we come back to the nature nurture, nature, nurture, nature, nurture. I firmly believe, though, that with the dark triads and the full-blown Narcissus, they’re missing a cog, there’s something wrong, there’s something not there. You know, they don’t love the way we love. They don’t feel the way we feel they don’t express or feel emotions the same way. So, yeah, get rid of the pessimism. It’s served you in the past. So, thank it, you know, here’s the thing, all of our maladaptive behaviors at some point in time helped us they did some point in time, they helped us. But now that we’re getting healthy, they’re not working anymore. So thank the pessimism, don’t hate it. Just thank you pessimism, I see how you help me in the past. And now I’m having to let you go because this is no longer working for me. So I get to see my worth, I get to have a glimmer of hope. I get to like myself, and hopefully eventually love myself. I get to, so work on that.

All right, my love’s we are just about out of time. I think that was the last question. Yes, it was. So remember, if you are watching Social Media, and it is making you feel like doodoo, stop watching it and realize they’re showing you exactly what they want you to see. So don’t compare yourself. Remember, comparison is something that narcissists teach us is that we’re always in competition. And we’re always comparing so don’t compare yourself. So in healing from an abusive relationship, yeah, you’re not over them because of all of the things that they have done. Because of all of the manipulation, all of the eggbeater in your head going with the cognitive dissonance and the devaluing the discard and the love bombing and the you know, and falling in love with the potential so do read the Fantasy Bond by Robert Firestone, and Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiradi, The Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker. Okay, my love’s Have a great week and I will talk to you next week. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. Ph.D. level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.

The post 08-21-2022 Why Aren’t I Over Them? appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Kris Godinez  00:02

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA, or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Okay, let’s dive in to parenting. So I’m going to kind of do a contrast and compare the healthy versus the unhealthy. And I’m going to try to go chronologically, so this makes sense. So abusers when they decide to have children, it is for one purpose and one purpose alone and it is to basically trap their supply for the next 18 years. Hand to heart, I swear to God, that’s what they’re thinking. So when they’re pushing for a baby, that’s a huge red flag, especially if it’s early on in the relationship if they’re if you guys have known each other for a very, very, very short amount of time. And when I say short amount of time, I mean, less than a year. Okay? And the person you’re dating, love bombing, love bombing, love bombing, oh, you know, future faking Let’s talk about having babies. Let’s talk about how we’re going to be together. Let’s talk about… see where I’m going with that. So, they, they future fake, and they start talking about having babies and they get you thinking, oh, this person will be a great mom or a great dad or whatever. And you guys haven’t even been together a year. That’s a red flag on the play 15 yard penalty, back it up. You know, you want to be very careful. The next thing that abusers do because here’s the thing, healthy people don’t have babies, to connect somebody to them unhealthy people have babies to connect somebody to them.

The other thing that people do is disordered people is that they are giving that baby a job. So that baby is intended to keep them company. So, remember I talked about the mini me’s, keep them company, be their best friend. love them unconditionally. If you’re looking for somebody who’s going to keep you company, be your best friend and love you unconditionally, get a dog, don’t have a baby. So they look at the child as an object. Again, narcissists do not perceive babies, as people, they, they are extensions of them. And that’s how they view them. And so this child now has a job this child is supposed to keep them company, this child is supposed to love them unconditionally, this child is supposed to save the marriage this child is to you know, fill in the blank. That’s not fair. Babies cognitively cannot save a marriage. Okay, and if you’ve ever had a child, babysat children, had nieces and nephews had great nieces and nephews, you know how much work they are. And you know how much time goes into them. So unhealthy parents get jealous that the healthy parent is spending time with that little one, because the little ones need a lot of time and attention. Because that’s simply the nature of the way of being a baby, you know, babies are helpless, they literally cannot feed themselves change themselves, you know, protect themselves, etc. So, it’s the job of the parents to do all of that. But a narcissistic parent will have a fit and start punishing the healthy parent for spending, quote, unquote, too much time with baby.

Kris Godinez  04:12

Anybody else see a problem with that? I sure as heck do. So that’s another red flag. If you’ve got a partner that is suddenly jealous that you’re taking care of this child and spending time with this child, there’s a problem there is a huge problem. Now healthy couples find balance, they find the way to take care of the baby and still be a couple they don’t forget being a couple. But what the narcissist wants is they want all of the attention all the time and they view the child as a rival they do. So, they get jealous, they get angry, they start accusing the spouse, whichever one doesn’t matter, male or female, of loving the child more than them, etcetera, etcetera. It’s just crazy. The things that I have heard come out of their mouths is just cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

So good parenting is you find the balance and if there is an issue in the relationship like if there isn’t enough time being paid to both the child and the couple and individual, it’s a balancing act, you have to have time for yourself, you have to have time for your partner and you got to have time for your kiddo. So again, what narcissists love to do and one of my clients brought it up this week, and it just it made me so sad is that they got told over and over again, they got told over and over again. And I had this happen to me to children or to be seen and not hurt. No, no, no with a site of no extra helping of no and a hell note to go with that. So that is a very, um, Victorian kind of attitude where the upper crust would shove their kids into a nanny, and they were expected to never bother the parents. So that ain’t here and now. So, okay, so good parents spend time on themselves. They spend time with their spouse, and they’re able to spend time with their child. That is a balancing act, especially in today’s economy. It’s insane, I mean, the cost of childcare is I just don’t even know how young couples are able to do it. I really don’t I just and if there’s no family around, if the family themselves are disordered, they don’t have help. So, this is why if you are facing a situation where you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you’ve got the small child, there’s something called the respite, nursery, and it’s in Phoenix. So just look up respite nursery in Phoenix. There’s other programs through different churches and different social agencies that you can get a break. So super important to do that if you are still currently in a relationship with one of these people.

Okay, good parenting, good parenting. And when we were little kids, and we were raised by an abuser, we did not have good parenting. Let’s be clear. Anybody who screamed at you yelled at you made you terrified. told you were the problem. That’s bad parenting. That’s bad parenting. So, what narcissists do is they expect that little child to cognitively be a miniature adult.

Kris Godinez  07:19

That’s not how it works. So, the thing that narcissists do not have our abusers do not have is patience, they do not have patience. So, in order to be a good parent, you have got to have patience, first and foremost with yourself because mistakes are going to be made. Let’s face it, there is no parent out there, that is perfect. There isn’t. We’ve all made mistakes we have, you know, and so you forgive yourself, you figure out how to do it better. You correct it, you talk with the kids, and you move on with an abuser, though they look at that kid and they go Mini-Me, mini-adults, they need to be doing exactly what you think. If I say jump, they should ask How high will three year old’s don’t have that concept, sorry. And so, a three year old will get bored sitting somewhere or in a car or in a line or whatever. And so, narcissists are absolutely impatient with their kids. They absolutely yell at them scream at them demand that they sit for hours at a time and be quiet for hours at a time. That’s not I don’t know about you, but when I was a kid, I like to run around. I still like to run around it makes me happy. So, they treat the child as if they should be a little Perfect. Perfect. Mini-Me that is so unfair to the kid. Kids are not perfect. We are not perfect. The narcissist is not perfect, they will never acknowledge that.

So, I’m in good parenting you recognize you’re not perfect, the child is not going to be perfect stuff is going to go sideways, and you do the best you can with what you have and always with patience and with love. Nothing a narcissist does nothing an abuser does is done with either patients or love because they don’t have any patience. And they wouldn’t know love if it walked up and did the Watusi with them. So in re parenting yourself. I think the biggest thing I would impart to you is when you’re doing the mirror work Hi, good to see you have a great day. I give you permission to forgive yourself to have patience with your self that is the biggest thing I would impart because the abuser is like you know I want it now I want it now I want it now I want it now we need to do this now we didn’t in in in in it you know and the kid is constantly being rushed. And that’s not fair. Kids are not fast guys. They’re not when they’re, you know getting ready for school. How many of us have gotten little ones ready for school and they’re playing video games or they’re reading a book or they’re, you know kind of dawdling that’s what kids do. You know, of course you don’t allow that to continue but, you don’t scream at them. as if they are committing a cardinal sin either. You correct them with love, and you help them and you explain to them why this is not okay behavior or what you need from them or whatever. narcissists don’t do that narcissist if their immediate demand or command is not meant with immediate action, that kid is going to get the living crap either beaten out of them or screamed at them or whatever and you can’t do that. You can’t do that with yourself and you cannot do that with little ones.

So when you’re doing the mirror work, something that narcissists do not ever do with children or themselves or anybody else. They do not love. And so when we’re working on loving ourselves, re parenting ourselves or we’re working with oh my gosh, I have a child I don’t want to make the same mistakes that happened with me. So, it’s always with intent and with love. That is what you were looking at what is your intent? Are you doing it with love? Is there patience? Is there forgiveness for the self not for the narcissist the Narcissist can go pound sand, but you’ve got to have patience for yourself. You got to have patience for your little one. Boundaries, boundaries, like a boss seriously in parenting. So again, if you’ve ever been around a two-year-old, three year old, four year old toddlers, okay? They are manipulative like nobody’s business but it’s not manipulative, like a narcissist is manipulative. And sometimes people get triggered by that manipulation and they get angry at the child and they start you know, don’t you dare that and edit it as a stop, stop. No is their favorite word cognitively they’re not quite understanding what they’re doing. They’re going to get their but screaming at them is not going to help correcting them is going to help screaming at them is not going to help. But they are manipulative, and no is their favorite word. And narcissists hate that that is why when a child gets to be about toddler three, four or five around in there starts getting their own personality, the narcissist is going to come unglued when that child is no longer a mini me when that child is starting to develop their own personality. And they say no a lot. And that is the one word that narcissists do not like and will not tolerate, because there was something I posted on we need to talk on Facebook and it said something along the lines of if you draw a boundary with a narcissist, a realistic boundary with a narcissist, they will view that as a betrayal to the core and you will need to be punished. And that’s how they view it. So even when a toddler is saying no to them, they view that as division among the ranks, you know, how dare you How dare you say no to me, you can’t say no to me. I’m the dad. I’m the mom. I’m the whatever. And it’s like okay, guys, let’s realistically here’s the thing toddlers, especially two-year old’s know is their favorite word. Three-year old’s know is their favorite word. four-year old’s, they’re starting to question five year old’s definitely have their own personality.

So, it’s a matter of understanding development, child development. Now there’s some books out there in the past that I was like, Oh, dear God, no, please don’t read any of the old, old books that were on parenting, you’ve got to go get the new books that are about how to parent a child in this day and age. And it’s manners are huge. Manners are huge. And narcissists do not teach their children manners. They don’t. Because narcissists are short, sighted, obviously, short tempered, obviously, they want them what they want, and when do they want it? Now? Who does that sound like? That sounds like about a two-year-old. So it’s really important to start teaching yourself and start teaching your child manners please. Thank you. Boundaries. No, no is actually a manner it is. It’s it is what keeps the wheels of society going when people have boundaries. So, teaching boundaries to yourself. When you’re re parenting yourself teaching boundaries to the kiddos, it’s okay to say no. Because what narcissists do is they set their kids up to be people pleasers, and to be abused. Because if a child is not believed, when they draw a boundary and say no, then an abuser is going to recognize that and they’re going to abuse them. Okay. And there’s a lot of predators out there so that I was just reading something on the internet today about a girl in New York that was sexually assaulted by a predator that she had met on one of those chat things, Snapchat, I think. And so, you need to start teaching your kids good parenting, you need to teach them about technology, you need to keep them safe because it is no longer. You know, in the real world so much. It’s in the virtual world that you’re going to start finding the predators and again, for us as survivors when you start dating Again, you got to watch out for that, because that’s where the predators hang out, they are on all of the dating apps on Tinder on Grindr on plenty of fish.

Kris Godinez  15:09

What’s the other one eHarmony, all of the, all of the dating sites have got a disproportionate amount of predators on them, Snapchat, you know, other social media things.

So, I wanted to talk about a little bit about some of the books. So the one that I really liked was parenting in a tech world. This is on Amazon, parenting in a tech world. And this was written in 2020, a handbook for raising kids in the digital age, I think that is a must. Because in my, in my day, we didn’t have all this stuff, we didn’t have social media, we didn’t have, you know, worldwide access to literally predators worldwide. And now, unfortunately, with social media, the kids have got that kind of access. And that includes games like fortnight, you know, anybody could come on and start chatting with them. So, you’ve got to be aware of what the kiddos are doing. And what I see a lot of narcissists do is that they are only too happy to shove their kid in front of a TV and never interact with them. And okay, that’s not good for the kid. And too, you’ve got to be very careful about that. What Who are they talking to? What are the conversations like? Is it getting inappropriate? Is this person really who they say they are? etc., etc., etc. So, so there is there is that and all I did was I went on to Amazon and I typed in 10 Best Books for parenting, and it popped up a ton of these books. The other one was raising good humans, parenting, teen boys, child development and positive parenting. Absolutely.

So, something that I think people forget is that little kids really need positive reinforcement, not negative. So, what abusers love to do is they love to do the punishment. It makes them feel powerful. That’s why they do it. That’s why they hit that’s why they whip that’s why they belt people. That’s why they do the things that they do is because it makes them feel powerful. Little ones don’t need to be hit. They don’t, correct it absolutely told why you shouldn’t put your hand on a hot stove. Absolutely. But you know, abusers will physically punish them, and then they will start emotionally punish them. So it’s really important for us if we’ve been raised by abusive parents, that we start doing the positive. What are you doing right? Remind yourself, remind your kid, what are they doing right on a daily basis? Trust me, we all know what we’ve done wrong. We that’s all we ever talk about, oh, I should have done this. I could have done this, I would have done that. Where does that come from? That comes from the abusive parents because they never said what was right, they only pointed out what was wrong. So if you’re raising a child, and you’re getting away from one of these abusers, you want to make sure that you tell them what they are doing, right. How they are doing it. Right? What you are proud of them about, you know, what are they doing that you know, is really good for them, and you’re so proud that they’re taking care of themselves, standing up for themselves. That’s great. Good for you. I’m glad you stood up to that bully. I’m glad that you voiced your concerns to that teacher or whatever, you know, getting a good grade, make sure they know it, you know, instead of what I see these abusers do is the kid comes home with a report card, or they get the report card on in the email or whatever. And it’s less than perfect and the abuser will come un glued and punish them for getting an A minus as opposed to an A. Ayiyi. So um, okay, there was that hold on. I wanted to get back over to the other books. Simply the simply baby book, so that’s for the little ones. There’s a ton of good parenting books, I would read the reviews and see which one you need because parenting teens is very different than Parenting Toddlers. Although it says the same like that sometimes. But yes, it is very different because they’re kind of on the cusp.

So you know, okay, here’s another thing that abusers do is if they are sexually deviant, and a lot of them are my dad was they have a very strange idea about sex.

Kris Godinez  19:40

And their birds and bees talks will include a lot of shame. And you don’t want that. What you want to do is you want to talk to the kids openly and honestly about sexual relationships and the consequences. Now you do this when they start exhibiting interest in the opposite sex and it is age appropriate. So I remember when I was age five, I was like, Where do babies come from? And my mom told me, she was like, let’s get Grey’s Anatomy. And here’s the book and let’s go through it. And it made sense, okay? You don’t want to use euphemisms, you don’t want to use baby words for body parts, because predators look for that. Let me say that, again, predators look for children who do not use the appropriate language for the sexual organs.

So, for example, instead of calling it a penis, oh, it’s your pee pee? No, no, it’s penis. What that tells the predator is, oh, this kid has got parents that are talking to them. And that’s what you want. So, you know, and you know, vajayjay know, it’s a vagina, you know, boobies, no, their breasts, you know, so you be open, honest, and the correct anatomical stuff for them. In this country, we seem to have a really weird idea about sex. And it’s really almost like a forbidden topic. But you’ve got to teach your kids the proper names and boundaries, nobody touches them. Nobody touches them, okay, until they’re older, you know what I’m saying and you give the proper boundaries, narcissists will skew that. And they’ll make the whole growing up thing very awkward.

So, when I was going through puberty, my dad did the whole weird, oh, you’re a woman now, which was his clue in his head that he could start trying to molest me. You know, so it’s like, if you’ve got a partner that’s making an abnormally big deal about puberty, you might want to watch that, seriously. Because a healthy parent will be like explaining to them your body is going through changes. This is what’s happening. These are the hormones, this is what you’re going to feel, you know, here’s the whole sexual thing, we prefer that you wait until you’re older, but if you’re going to do it, use a condom, you know, be safe, there’s diseases out there, you know, you talk to them about this stuff. Narcissists, don’t or they are, they’re weird about it, okay, because of their own predatorial type of thing.

So, um, okay. The other thing I want to make insanely clear. The other thing that narcissists will do is they again, view their children as objects to be used, okay? And if they were, you know, wanting to do soccer, they’re going to demand that their kid do soccer, but the kid really loves to play baseball. So, what do you do? You encourage them to play baseball? Is that going to cause problems between you and the narcissist? You betcha. Your job is to protect your kid, your job is to protect your kid. And if this is a bad, abusive relationship, get the hell out and protect your kid. The other thing I’ve seen abusers do is they will after the divorce, give the kids the divorce decree and try to make the parent that has raised them the bad guy.

Kris Godinez  23:00

So other things to think keep in mind when there are medical documentation, okay, when the child is a minor, yes, those are belonging to the parents. However, the second that that child turns into an adult, that parent no longer has the right to send those medical records out to anybody, they have to get permission from that child who is now an adult. So, they will try to do that they will try to shame the child, you know, that type of thing. So just be aware. So, Okay. All right. What are we how are we doing on time? Oh, we’re doing good. Okay.

So, in parenting ourselves. I think patience is the most important thing. I think forgiving yourself is the most important thing. I think patience for the little ones is the most important thing when I was at Disneyland, part of what made it so miserable, aside from the fact that Disney has completely lost their minds is that the lines were long people were hot, and I saw these parents get impatient with their child and literally yank them. That’s a great way to dislocate your child’s shoulder. Babies are not ragdolls. And I see people throw their kids around, it’s abusive, throw their kids around, yank their kids around, drag their kids around. You cannot do that. And if your partner is doing that, you’ve got to put a stop to it. Because babies bodies, yes, they’re resilient. Yes, they’re amazing. Yes, they can bounce back from some pretty horrific things however in there’s no reason to yank them around physically to drag them around to scream at them to rush them to, you know, do whatever, and that’s what abusers do.

So, um, I think what I wanted to point out is, is if we’ve come from an abusive family of origin, I don’t think a lot of us even realize how much unhealthy parenting physically, mentally, emotionally, religiously, whatever that we got. I really don’t and I don’t think we realize, or we’ve minimized how bad it really was. And I think that’s why some people have a right really hard time doing the repairenting because they’re like, I have no frame of reference, I don’t know what to do.

So when you are re parenting yourself, my suggestion would be if you’re having a hard time, grab one of those parenting books and do a contrast and compare. What is the good parenting versus what your abuser did to you? Did they drag you around? Did they yank you around? Did they hurry you and make you wrong and belittle you and call you names and put you down and you’re not, you know, you’re not smart enough, you’re not fast enough, you’re not this that bla bla bla bla bla, or how dare you say no to me, you know, that kind of thing. So do a contrast and compare between the healthy books on healthy parenting and how you were raised. And then when you’re doing the mirror work, emulate the healthy books emulate the, the way that the child should be raised the way that the child could be raised, if there was healthiness there. So, you start talking to yourself with absolute love, absolute patience, absolute joy.

So, something that I don’t think people understand either is that we get our sense of self from how our parents mirror back to us. And the abuser will never mirror back a correct image, what they it will always be a funhouse mirror, you know, the funhouse mirrors are wavy, and they don’t present the correct image of the person. And so, we as survivors of abuse, get this funhouse idea, this imposter syndrome of who we are, which is why I encourage the mirror work to reparent yourself, you get to look at yourself, clearly. Get to, not have to, get to, and you get to tell yourself that you like yourself and love yourself. And that you will have patience with yourself. So, when a good mom or a good dad sees their baby, first thing in the morning, they’re standing of the crib, you know, or they’re just waking up, the parents come in and they’re like, Oh, hi, you’re good to see you. That’s the kind of love I want you to look at, your children with. And you with, that’s unconditional, then you’re just happy because they’re awake, you know? And that’s awesome. And that is the way it should be. Narcissists. Everything is conditional, what have you done for me? How are you making me look? Are you a mini me? Are you going to jump when I say frog, or whatever the term is, you know, you say how high when I say jump, you know that kind of thing. Um, but a healthy parent looks at their child with love, and really enjoys the fact that that kid is here on the planet. And things are important.

Something else I want to point out and this is something else, oh Lord, I’m going over again. This is something else that I’ve been dealing with adult survivors of abuse. Their birthday comes and they minimize it, or they downplay it, or Oh, no, it’s really not No, I don’t need to know the birthday is not that important, okay. Stop stop stop birthdays are important because you’re here on the planet. And it’s a way to acknowledge that you’re here on the planet. It’s a way to acknowledge yourself. And it allows other people to acknowledge how much they love you. Birthdays are important, but how to how do abusers handle birthdays? Well, like they do any other important holiday, or event, they ruin it. They ruin it. And so that gives the kid just like that funhouse mirror, the impression that they’re not worthy. They don’t deserve it. You know, they’re taking up space, they’re a burden, blah, blah, blah. Okay, so to undo all of that, celebrate your birthday, celebrate Christmas, celebrate Hanukkah, celebrate all of the important things that the abuser always ruined. You know what I’m saying? Abusers either ignore the date or they set out to ruin the day one of the two.

So, in good parenting, you acknowledge you acknowledge you acknowledge you acknowledge you acknowledge your kid, you acknowledge yourself you acknowledge your kid you validate yourself you validate your kid. Do you see where I’m going with that? And you give them an accurate read of who they are. What abusers do is you’re a burden. You’re this You’re that and that gives that kid that funhouse mirror effect and creates that impostor syndrome, which is why it’s so important when you’re doing the mirror work. Make sure that you give yourself the positive affirmation make sure you’re giving your kiddos the positive affirmation. A lot of abusers do the whole Oh, kids learn better if you yell at them and tell them what they’re doing wrong. It’s reverse psychology. No, it’s abuse. It’s abuse. Kids do not do better with that, kids do better when they’re given a realistic goal, realistic goal and steps on how to get there and then when they get there. They are praised appropriately. Now, that is not the you know, giving them an award for just showing up. That’s different. That’s also a narcissistic thing. It’s appropriate, you know, so yeah, abusers really set the survivors up and the kids up for imposter syndrome, low self-esteem, not knowing who they are, because the abusers don’t know who they are. That’s why they try on other people’s personalities, if you’ve ever noticed that. So, you want to give yourself and you want to give your kiddo a good, strong sense of who they are. And this is why when I suggest doing the mirror work, in the morning, you set the intention you do the positive affirmations, you know, hi, good to see you have a great day I give you permission to like yourself, or I give you permission to be successful, or I give you permission to say no. Or if… see whatever you’re working on. And then at night, and you do this with your little ones little ones love the mirror work. They really do kids love looking in mirrors. They really do. It’s kind of fun for them. It’s like, Oh, who’s that? You know, and they get to kind of discover who they are. So, at night, do the things that were right that day list three things to your little one that they did, right? What did they do right that day? Hey, you know what, kiddo? You did great today, getting your shoes on before school. Thank you so much. That was awesome.

Kris Godinez  31:10

And now, the endorphins, the dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, all feel good chemicals are going in the kids going to go… Oh, I put my shoes on. That feels good. Okay, and they’ll go do it again. That’s why I’m saying the negative stuff doesn’t work. It’s the positive reinforcement that does appropriate positive reinforcement. Okay. But you do the same thing with yourself, what are three things that you did right? During the day, make sure you tell yourself that make sure you tell your little ones that whether they’re your little ones or their great grandkids, or grandkids or cousins or whatever, make sure that there is positive affirmation going and that there is an acknowledgement of the things that have gone, right, because what an abuser will do is you did this wrong, and you did that wrong. And you you you, you you guns are blazing. They never ever tell their kids the truth about how great the kids are. And kids are great. They really are.

Now, can toddlers be a little bit of a terrorist? Yes. And it’s a phase that they go through. It doesn’t last it. It does drive every single mom and dad crazy on the face the planet, but it doesn’t last. But with a narcissist, they act as if that phase is forever, and they will just scream at that kid and make them wrong. And this that and the other kids go through phases, guys, that’s what I’m saying. It’s really important. And let me go find the other books. And then I’m going to get to the questions. I’m so sorry. It’s really important that you realize children go through growth spurts, and they go through cognitive develop development. So, things that they wouldn’t understand when they’re like three, they’ll get when they’re 10. You know, and so you cannot treat a 10 year three-year-old like a 10 year old, you can’t treat a 10 year old like a 20 year old. It’s just, it doesn’t make sense. So, on Audible, and I looked this up 10 of the best parenting advice books. So, one of them was crib sheet. The other one was how to raise an adult. Toddlers are a holes, which just kind of went yeah.

Kris Godinez  33:16

Achtung baby, parenting the teen in the in the age of anxiety, because teens have a lot of anxiety. And there’s a whole bunch more on here. So, there’s a whole bunch of really good books on audible. All you got to do is put in parenting advice or parenting books, audible and it’ll pop up, which is great.

So anyway, the big takeaway is, we don’t ever get grace. Little ones are never given grace, they’re never allowed to be little, they’re never allowed to be small. They’re never allowed to be not mini me’s and not miniature adults. And they’re not cognitively they can’t cope with it. So, if you’re going through a divorce with one of these Jack wagons, and you’ve got a little one, make sure that you put in the divorce decree that they get counseling, with a really good therapist, and you have to agree to it. They can’t just you know, and usually what abusers do is, oh, I don’t want my child in therapy because they don’t, because to them, it means there’s something wrong with the kid, which means there’s something wrong with them which in reality, there’s something wrong with the abuser so but you want to make sure that they’re in therapy, because what the abusers will do when you’re going through a divorce is they will tell the children, adult things that the child should have no knowledge about. No knowledge about it is not the child’s job. So, abusers give the child a job. So, they either relay messages to the kid to get back to the other parent, or they use the child as a therapist and a 10 year old, a six year old can’t cope with that. They can’t they cognitively don’t have the emotional ability to cope with this incoming information of guilt and anger and fear and all of this stuff they cannot cope, this is why children then develop anxiety issues going forward because you’ve got an abuser shoving all this stuff into their space.

So, if you’re divorcing, you want to make sure that kid has got play therapy or a therapist of some sort so that they have a safe place to unload and dump. And it needs to be very clear, there will be nothing discussed with the children about the divorce of no financial stuff, no emotional stuff, we can tell them the bare basics, but that’s it. And what abusers love to do is they love to go to overshare Oh, mommy or daddy is so lonely because Mommy or Daddy left me, okay, financially, I can’t afford anything you you’re a burden, blah, blah, blah, they say that, you know, and that sets the kid up for heartache and for codependency and taking responsibility for things that are not their responsibility. And I think that is something that we as adults also have to be very cognizant of. We have to work on the codependency, we have to realize what is theirs, what is ours, what is not the kids, what is ours? Do you see where I’m going, it’s like, you’ve got to be able to have good boundaries. And you’ve got to be able to have the ability to step away and detach, you know, emotionally from the abuser and not involve the kid in the divorce proceedings, because it’s too much it is cognitively it is too much for them.

So, anyway, to quickly recap, and then we’ll get to the questions. Patience, patience is good parenting, not ripping your kid around by the arm and jerking them around. You know, being kind, being respectful teaching your child boundaries, teaching your child manners, those are all important things, things that the abuser will never do, you know, it’s always, you know, well, you need to respect me, but notice the abuser never respects anybody else. And then the kid sees that and starts emulating that. So, you want to make sure to impress upon them the importance of boundaries and the importance of saying no, and meaning it and being believed. Because how many of us were told, you’re to be seen and not heard. And we felt unheard. Unseen. Unbelieved. You know, it’s really important because being believed as part of self-esteem, it is. Because if we don’t feel like we’re believed, it’s kind of like, what’s the point? So, you got to when you’re talking yourself, I believe you. I believe you. I love you, I believe you have a great day. You know, that type of thing. Okay, let’s go to the questions.

What are the effects of not having any privacy in any aspect? How can we learn more about that? Okay, privacy is a part of boundaries. Privacy is a part of respect. So that’s going to be the self esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, there are books out there on how to get your privacy back how to say no assertiveness books, you know, so with an abuser, they will do things like you know, take the door off the bedroom, because they want to know exactly what the child is doing 24/7. And this is not when the child is, you know, misbehaving or whatever. This is like a normal kid, and you know, getting interested in boys are getting interested in girls, and they’re going to make sure, again, the sexual weirdness, they’re going to make sure nothing is going on. So, they take the door off the bedroom, the child has no privacy, or the parent, the abusive parent goes through the diary, how many of us had that happen? Raise your hand, you know, so we learned very quickly, it’s not safe to keep a diary, we learn very quickly, we have no privacy, they go through our phones, they go through our computers, etc., etc., etc. So really, as an adult, it’s making sure that you have passwords on everything, and understanding that you do not have to overshare and that’s part of that oversharing thing. They tell us basically, that they own us, they think you know, I own your phone, I own your phone, I have the right to look at it, I need to know where you’re going. Okay, if the kid is, you know, doing things that are illegal and is in recovery, or is in danger. Yeah, I can understand that. If the kid is a straight A student has never done anything against the law is doing everything they’re supposed to do. And the parent is looking looking looking looking. There’s a problem. Do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, they don’t respect boundaries, and they don’t respect privacy and privacy is a boundary. So, this goes hand in hand, with the non-oversharing not over apologizing, and being able to say no, so we have to work with a good trauma therapist about this, because so many people coming out of abusive relationships, don’t know how to trust. Kids don’t know how to trust because they haven’t been shown the adults in their life or the adult in their life is going to be trustworthy. So, it’s really a matter of working with a trauma therapist, and rediscovering the beauty of privacy. You have a right to privacy; you have a right to your own thoughts. You have a right not to share everything 24/7 With your abusive family you do, that’s something else that I’m hearing from people quite a lot is that the abusive families are like, well, you need to tell me this and you don’t ever tell me that you need to tell me this need to…, I don’t. No, I’m an adult. No, you don’t need to know this by, you know, you start detaching, and you stop contacting them so much. And I think a lot of times, when kids go, no contact, and then a flying monkey comes in and says, Oh, well, you should feel guilty. They’re your parent, bla, bla, bla, and then they get back into contact with them. It’s a disaster, because now the abuse just starts all over again. And now this person is having to redraw all of these boundaries, this wall of No. So, if you’ve gone no contact with an abuser, stay, no contact with the abuser, they’re not going to change, they’re not going to get better, they’re not going to get different, they’re not going to anything. So, you’re going to want to work with trauma therapist on your right to have boundaries. That’s what privacy is about. It’s about boundaries. So yeah, you don’t have to share everything all the time. 24/7 with anybody with anybody, you only share things with people who are going to be supportive, kind, helpful, whatever you don’t have to share. And I think that is something that is a bad habit that we get into because of the codependency because we’re trying to please them and so we verbally kind of vomit everything out, and then they start using stuff against us or sabotage it, or whatever. So okay, hope that answered the question a word glasses again.

Kris Godinez  41:35

Okay. Um, okay. Who How did I lose that one? There it is. Okay. Um, okay. And so, the effect of privacy is, the effect of not having privacy is that we again, are setting ourselves up to be abused. Because if somebody is pumping you for information. Remember, narcissists love to pump for information. And if you’re giving them everything, they’re going to, they’re just racking all this stuff up, and they’ll start using it against you, you know, at the most bizarre points in time. So that’s kind of along the lines with using the correct terminology for sexual organs, and having boundaries that lets that potential abuser now hope she’s not going to share her he’s not going to share, you know what I’m saying? Because remember, they do pump us for information. Okay?

How do I learn to correct without resorting to yelling? Oh, Lord? That’s a good question. I don’t have good communication at home. And I don’t want to make the same mistakes. Okay. So, what you’re going to do is you’re going to get, there’s a couple of books on communication. Now, reflective listening is really good if you’re dealing with a little one, okay? Remember, cognitively, they’re not going to get the reflective listening, they’re just not. So, yelling doesn’t help. Sometimes we get louder when we’re not being heard. And so, we think that if we just get louder, the kid is suddenly going to get it. No, they’re not, they’re just going to tune us out. So um, there’s a couple of books on communication. So, I would go and look for communicating with whatever age range your child is. There are books on that. There are books for communicating and healthy relationships. So, if they’re older, if they’re teenagers, you can do the reflective listening. So, one of the books that I recommend to the couples that are healthy, not the abusive couples, because I don’t see them is fighting for your marriage by Markman and others, but Markman was the one I could remember. So, it’s all communication skills. So, it’s all reflective listening, it’s all you know, instead of getting over the top, yelling, get quieter, you know, speak in a softer voice, it kind of forces people to lean in. And listen. I know little tricks like that. But go on to Amazon, go on to Audible and look for communication skills for parents, you know, those will pop up and speaking to a three-year-old is going to be different than speaking to a teenager, you know, different cognitive skills, and you can’t talk down to a teenager either, because they find it condescending, because remember, they’re right on the cusp. They’re like on the cusp of adulthood. And they don’t want to be treated like a baby, but they also don’t want to be set free completely. They you know, they need rules and boundaries and everything else. So, it’s learning how to talk. It’s learning how to communicate, again, get with a good trauma therapist to re learn healthy communication skills. So, the point of communication is not being right now this is what abusers in their communication skills. It’s always been right. They have to be right. Everybody else has to be wrong. It’s not being right. It’s making sure everybody understands what’s going on. It’s for clarification, it’s communicating is clarifying. Like, you know, here’s, here’s what happened. Here’s what needs to happen, you know, that type of thing. And if they’re, you know, kids get big emotions, and their little bodies don’t always handle it. And I saw that a lot of Disneyland, you know, meltdowns and things like that. The good parents would just sit quietly with them and reassure them that they love them. And you okay, you’re having big emotions? It’s okay. You know, but they wouldn’t give in to them, but they also wouldn’t punish them for it. So, you know, it’s a matter of, you know, figuring out what’s going on are they just having big emotions, and they don’t know how to cope with it. And it’s kind of your job to teach them, you know, how do they cope with big emotions? Well, first of all, you acknowledge it, big emotion, I hear it, I see it, you’re angry, I get it. And we still have to put our shoes on.

Kris Godinez  45:37

And you don’t take it personally, I think that’s something that a lot of adults coming out of an abusive family system is that they take it personally when a child defies them, or has a meltdown or whatever, because that’s what we saw the abusers doing doesn’t mean you’re an abuser. So, let’s be very clear, we’re going to pick up fleas we are we’re going to pick up fleas parenting from what we saw growing up. So, you have to remember, it’s not personal when a child doesn’t do what you want them to do. It’s because cognitively they’re not quite getting it. And they’re that age. And they’re stubborn, and there’s, you know, everything else kids are, you know, I don’t know if you guys have been watching the Obi Wan Kenobi show, but the little girl who plays Leah, I just love because there’s this scene where they’re going into this safe bunker. And Obi Wan says you’re stubborn, and she’s like, I am not. And I’m like, oh my god, that was the most kid thing I’ve ever heard. So, you know, it’s kids are just kids, and you cannot take their behavior or anyone else’s behavior, personally. Because it’s not about you. It’s about what they’re going through. And that’s where you have to step out of that kind of raising that we had, where everything was personal, everything was a personal affront. If I didn’t jump, as soon as my dad said to go do something like if I was in the middle of something, he would inevitably say, you need to go, whatever, fill in the blank. And I’ll be like, okay, well, as soon as I’m done with whatever I’m doing, and he would hit me because I didn’t immediately stand up and go do it. And that’s, that’s not cool. So, um, again, it’s understanding, you know, how to talk to kids, how to help them understand what their emotions are, and not taking it personally. My dad took it personally. You don’t respect me, no jerk. I was in the middle of doing this thing that needed my attention. And you hit me and now it’s ruined. So, thanks. You know, so and that’s what they do. Because they’re control freaks. It’s all about power and control. And they take everything personally. You cannot when you’ve got a toddler, you cannot take that personally. Dear God and heaven if you did, you’ll be a nervous wreck. You’ll be a wreck. You’ll be a wreck because kids going to be kids, you know, and they’re going to have meltdowns and they’re going to have illogical moments. They are you know, and so it’s just stepping out not taking it personally validating acknowledging Yep, you’re angry I got it and because it’s an and world we still need to put our shoes on you know and not getting angry at them because somehow, they’re just respecting you know, their three you just kind of got to start taking yourself out of that. And that’s really hard when we’ve come from an abusive family where everything was a personal affront not everything is a personal affront not everything is a personal affront. Okay, let’s see what the next question is. Dun dun dun How are we doing on time? Oh, we’re doing good okay. Um, so yeah, get with a good get with a good therapist and work on the communication skills, get fighting for your marriage by Markman look up communicating with kids, you know, whatever their age range is, how do I communicate with my three-year-old? How do I communicate with my teenager? These, all of these books are really good for that. Okay.

How to tackle the fear of missing out feeling for events when they happen for other people. Ex, ex, oh, dear. High school graduation parties make me feel sad. Because although I was top of my class, top of my class, graduation meant nothing. Oh, I understand. Okay. So, because the when you were a kid, the family didn’t acknowledge, didn’t acknowledge, didn’t appreciate and acknowledged and whatever. So, this would be working on the inner child workbook, this would be getting a really good trauma therapist, and here’s an idea, throw yourself a party, throw yourself a party, and it can be a silly party. It can be like, you know, this party is to acknowledge all of the cool things I did growing up that my family absolutely would not acknowledge. That’s what this party is about. Huzzah! Let’s have some pizza, you know, so, but it’s important because that’s your inner child. That’s your inner teenager. That’s the one who worked so hard and graduated, and you’re proud of yourself and what did you get Crickets? Crickets. So, I would say the child is the one that feels jealous or feels a Fear Of Missing Out kind of thing. And so, what you want to do is you just want to acknowledge it, write your inner teenager, a letter, a love letter, acknowledge the inner teenager for all of the hard work, all of the good deeds, all of the things that they did that they never got acknowledgement for. So hey, teenager, me, you know what, I’m the mom now or I’m the dad now. And guess what I see you. I hear you. You did not get acknowledged for graduating, for doing yard work for doing the dishes for taking care of the other kids for, you know, whatever it is that the abuser forced us to do that forced us to not be kids, right? Because that’s the other thing abusers do is they forced the older ones to take care of the younger ones. That’s not fair. Now every once in a while, a teenager babysitting. Okay, that’s fine, but the abusers do it. 24/7. So, um acknowledging yourself, you know, writing that teenager, a love letter. I love you. I think you’re great. You know what, let’s have a graduation party. Okay, it’s 30 years later, but so what? So what So what, let’s have fun, let’s acknowledge ourselves, let’s, you know, have a party sometime in the summer time, have a party, you know, and acknowledge all the things that you didn’t get acknowledged for, right, that teenager a love letter, get with a good trauma therapist, and work on that jealousy because remember, narcissists teach us to be jealous narcissists are chronically pathologically jealous of anybody or anything that gets something that they did not. And that is a fleea. So, you’re going to squish it, you’re going to squish it, you’re going to be happy for the other people for being acknowledged. That’s great. And then later on in the summer, throw yourself a party. There’s nothing wrong with that, you know, I just had a dinner party not too long ago, because A, I haven’t seen my friends in two years, because it’s stupid pandemic. And B, it’s like, I wanted to hear what everybody was doing and see what everybody was doing. And just, you know, have fun because God knows we all need it, dear Lord. So, you know, it’s okay to throw a party, it’s okay to acknowledge yourself. It’s okay to have fun. It’s okay to socialize. That’s something else that abusers do is they isolate their kids. My dad was constantly moving me and oh, God, Nancy and I were talking about that the other weekend. Her mom, I think she counted 13 times, she was uprooted and moved. And so, she was never able to get those lifelong, young, you know, from birth on, friends. Same thing, my dad would move me from school, to school, to school to school, whenever he got pissed off at whoever the principal was. And so really, my lifelong friends are from high school, because that was the longest, I ever stayed anywhere. So, you know, it was really, that’s something they love to do is to make us not feel good in a social situation.

So that’s something else you want to teach your kids how to socialize, how to listen to other people, how to not be self-centered, like the abuser, you know what I’m saying. And that is really important. And that’s why I think parties are important. And parties are important with kids. Because the kids get to have fun, and they get to see how adults socialize in a healthy way. And I don’t mean like a drunken you know, debauchery, I mean, like a barbecue, like getting together and having pizza watching a movie, you know, that kind of thing. So yeah, because abusers like to isolate their kids, and they don’t want us to socialize because God forbid, we tell somebody what’s really going on. So yeah, there’s that. So, forgive yourself and definitely get with a good trauma therapist and start working on that fear of missing out and really practice, practice gratitude. I am so grateful that all these kids are graduating and they’re safe and they made it through school and they’re going on to college and you know, gratitude, gratitude, gratitude and then throw yourself a party. There’s nothing wrong with that. Okay.

Do narc mothers always loved bom  the child no!

Kris Godinez  53:47

Who knew my narc mother never showed any love. I have only memories of her being nasty and hateful. Yeah, so um, narcissistic mothers can be love bombers, they absolutely can. But they can also be cold as ice and punishing, like nobody’s business. So, narc mothers are, I think jealous, pathologically jealous of the kids. They’re jealous of, especially if the daughter or the son is doing better than them. Especially if the daughter is it’s the dynamic with narcissistic mothers and daughters is really sick. They’re in competition, they’ll compete for boyfriends, they’ll compete for attention, they’ll compete for whatever. So, if the child is beautiful, that mother will do everything they can to harm that child. They’ll cut their hair off without the kid wanting it cut off. They’ll constantly tell them that they’re not good looking or beautiful or thin enough. You know, the weight thing is a huge thing that narcissists use um male and female narcissists do that. Some narcissistic mothers, like I said, they don’t do the love bombing some do. So, let’s be clear, you know every narcissist has their own little peccadilloes. But some narcissistic mothers are cold as ice, angry as hell, and in competition and punishing, punishing, punishing, punishing, punishing, punishing, punishing. The only time I’ve ever seen that type ever do a love bomb is when they were in the older stages, they were like geriatric, and they were desperate to have somebody be their supply. And so, they would hold the inheritance over the head or love bomb or whatever. But for the most part no a lot of them don’t a lot of them don’t a lot of them are just nonstop nasty, non-stop nasty, you know, dragging the kids across the floor again. The stories I have heard, would seriously I think, just shock. A lot of you guys so you know, dragging the kid across the floor by their hair, dragging them across the floor by their arm, dislocating their shoulder, you know, that kind of thing. They’re sadistic. So those types of mothers are, there is not a warm bone in their body. They are not warm and fuzzy. They are not loving or kind. They’re harsh. They’re critical. They’re nasty. And that is really damaging to a kid because we look up to the same sex parent for how to be an adult as the same sex. Do you see where I’m going with that? So, an opposite sex parent, then that sets us up for oh my gosh, is this what you know, a romantic partnering should look like? No, no, no, no, no, no, you know, romantic partnering should be best friends. It shouldn’t be best friends. You know, that’s what John and I have, and we communicate like nobody’s business. And I love him so much. You know, but with a narcissistic mom, they’re harsh. They’re mean, they’re critical. They’re damning their spouse; they’re making fun of them sexually in front of the kids. They’re, you know, all sorts of nastiness, all sorts of nastiness. So ya know, they don’t all up they don’t the word pathological they are, let us be clear. So down here at one end of the spectrum, we’ve got traits up over here at the other end of the spectrum, we’ve got the dark triad. The further down on the spectrum they are, the less feelings they’re going to have. So, the more antisocial the motive psychotic, the more you know, no feelings, alien kind of thing. Yeah, I mean, there’s, there’s some parents, God, when I talk to my clients, they will say things like, you know, it’s like she was a lizard. It’s like there was no warmth at all there was no kindness there was no empathy there was it was just like dealing with somebody who didn’t understand how to be a human. And I’ll agree with that. So, all right, my loves you guys be good. Go look up those parenting books. Drink plenty of water. It’s going to be 108 degrees this week. So, you guys yourselves. I’ll talk to you guys later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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The post 06-05-2022 Healthy Parenting appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Kris Godinez 00:02

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Okay, yeah, imposter syndrome. Let’s talk about that. So, um, imposter syndrome, where does it come from? First of all, let’s define what imposter syndrome kind of is. So, imposter syndrome is when you sit there and go, Oh, I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m a fraud, they’re going to find me out. I’m going to, I’m going to be exposed for not knowing what I know, you know, etc, etc, etc. It’s like you don’t trust yourself. It’s like self-doubt on steroids. On crack. On meth. Yeah, like all three, you know, it’s really bad. It’s, it’s bad. So it’s that sense of not trusting yourself thinking that other people know better or more or are what’s the word I’m looking for… more better, they’re more better than you are. Oh, God, the grammar just left. So they’re, they’re better. They’re, they’re smarter, they’re, they’re this, they’re that and you don’t trust your own knowledge and your own ability and your own way of being, etc, etc, etc. Now. So where does this come from? Well, no surprise to those of us who lived with abusers. Let’s start with the family of origin.

Kris Godinez 02:15

Family of Origin, it always goes back to the family of origin. If it’s not the family of origin, then it is the romantic relationship. If it’s not the romantic relationship, it’s toxic friends, if it’s not toxic friends, it’s the bully bosses. Holy cat, we’re gonna cover all of it. Okay. All right. So family of origin. So family of origin, if we had a family that put us into competition with everybody, so they would judge us against siblings, they would judge us against our peers, they would judge us against… fill in the blank. And we always came up lacking. What a surprise because that’s what abusive families do hang on a second. Family of Origin always in competition, always in competition, always comparing, always comparing, always comparing, that sets up imposter syndrome. Because if you’ve got parents alleged, if not proven, in name only that are saying things like you know, oh, well, you know, (pat, pat, pat) you did okay, but Billy did better. Or why can’t you be more like your big brother? Or your big sister? Oh, God, I hate it. When I hear parents do that you know what I’m saying? So that sets up that doubt in the kid because now the converse, the flip side of that is you also don’t want to have parents that do the whole Oh, my little chi, chi, you are perfect. You never make a mistake. You are great in everything. You are the best at everything. No, because that also sets up imposter syndrome. So balance, guys, healthy parents have got balance, and they’re able to tell their kids when they do good. And they’re also able to tell their kids when they need to improve, but it’s not. What’s the word I’m looking for. So bad parenting, abusive parenting is that nasty. Comparing hypercritical. I think we touched on this last week, the inability to give constructive criticism, their criticism is always personal and it is always left wanting we are always wanting, we are always less than we are always not good enough. We are always…do you see where I’m going without so that comes from the family of origin. So the family of origin is very important in the kids developmental stages. So remember between zero and two is hugely important, which is why when there was all the adoptions going on from Romania back in the 80s, something like that there were so many children with attachment disorders because they were shoved into cribs and ignored from zero to two, zero to four, zero to 10. Yeah, so those developmental years are extremely important. The entire developmental years are extremely important. So if you have a family that is constantly comparing, constantly criticizing constantly putting down, and constantly gaslighting constantly lying to you. So for example, every family does what we do, every family does this, you don’t see the pink elephant in the corner of the living room, there is no pink elephant. And if you see the pink elephant, I’m going to beat it out of you. How many of us went through that? Oh, raise your hand. You know what I’m saying? So we all did, or most of us did, or a lot of us did. Anyway, the point being is, is that that imposter syndrome comes from constantly having the rug ripped out from underneath you by the family of origin originally, okay? So the line the gaslighting the rewriting history and telling you that you you know that this is normal that beating children is normal that screaming at Kids is normal that you know having affairs as normal that you know, you need to cover up for mom and dad is normal that you know that stuff that rips reality out from underneath you and that creates imposter syndrome. The other thing that these are Jack wagons, I really wish I could swear you have no idea. The other thing that these Jack wagons do is that they, they take credit. So you do something, you do something amazing, you write a fantastic, you know thesis or you do well in your career, or you do some sort of acting gig or a singing gig or whatever. And guess who takes credit for it? They never give it to the person who’s actually doing it. They take the credit for oh I, I, I, I, taught them,

Kris Godinez 06:28

I did this, I did that, you know, and it’s never Yeah, my kids did great, I’m really proud of them. It’s never that they always take credit for it. So it’s kind of like you do all the hard work. And I think you can see where I’m going with this when we get into co-workers and bosses that you do all the hard work, and they take the credit for it. And you never get the accolades or the validation, validation, that you need, and kids need validation, kids need accurate reflections back of who they are. And when you have a parental unit or two, that is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. It’s a funhouse mirror. It’s not an accurate reflection of who you are. And so you don’t know who you are, and you don’t trust that you know what you know. So there’s the foundation for it.

Now, let’s move into a romantic relationship with one of these people. So these abusers cannot stand it when anybody shines, or anybody outshines them, or anybody does something that they haven’t done, or, or, you know, whatever. So they’ll do one or two things, they’ll either start mocking and making fun of what you’re doing, to cause you to give it up, because I’ve seen that happen too. Or they will try to take it over and outdo you. So say, for example, you like to paint, they’ll suddenly decide that they’re the painter in the family and that they need to go do you know, a show at a coffee house or whatever, or, you know, or whatever, they’ll take it over. So you’re a writer, they suddenly you’re the writer, you’re an actor, they’re suddenly the actor or the director, you know, it’s like, I’ll do you one better, and I’ll become a director, what I really want to do is direct…. I never understood that. Anyway, the point being, herding actors is like herding cats. Um, so anyway, the point being is they try to outdo you, they try to outdo, they try to one-up you. And they try to devalue you and tell you that you’re not good enough and that they’re way better. I’ve seen them do that, as well. That happens with parents,  even happens with romantic partners. So with a an abusive, romantic partner, if you’re out doing them, they’ve got to cut you down to size in their crazy heads. So they will devalue discard, you know, criticize, criticize, criticize, nasty, vicious, oh, well, you know, it’s not as good as so and so, you know, it’s similar to the parental stuff that I was talking about. Now, it’s worse because, you know, this is a romantic relationship. And this person should be your partner. Huge support, they need to be supportive. They do, you know, they can be honest and be like, let me just give you some constructive criticism. That’s helpful. That’s great. But if they’re doing the whole, you know, personal attacks, and just criticizing for the sake of criticizing, lying, gaslighting, history rewriting, you know, etc, etc, etc, putting you down all the time, no support not showing up to your shows not showing up to your stuff that you’re doing not being supportive… huge red flag. Oh, my God, huge, huge red flag. So, imposter syndrome comes from the drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip of the criticism, the comparing the competition, the lying the gaslighting, the, the erasing history, the rewriting history, all of that starts creating imposter syndrome. And then we start feeling like we don’t know what we’re talking about, or that we don’t really know what we’re doing, or that we should give credit to somebody else or whatever fill in the blank. So imposter syndrome is that is the inner critic.

Kris Godinez 10:18

Long story short, it’s the inner critic, it really truly is. But it’s, it’s, it’s another facet of the inner critic. It’s, it’s like, it’s, what’s the word I’m looking for? It is the subtour. It is the seven tour and it pops up. Mostly, when you’re doing something outside of the comfort zone of the family of origin or outside of the comfort zone of the abuser, or outside of the comfort zone of what you’ve been told you can and cannot do. So let’s be very clear about that.

So let’s say that your family has said, Oh, no, you can’t become a doctor because you’re a girl. Or you can’t become a pilot, because you’re a different race, or you’re different. And they do, they will try to put you down no matter how they can. Okay, so that’s usually the using the race and the and the sex is usually from romantic partners, they will do that they will use anything they can to keep you down, they will. And so they’ll say, oh, you can’t do that. Because you’re this race, or you’re this sex or you’re this old. You know, you can’t do that. Because you’re too old. You can’t do this because da, da, da, da, da. So basically what you need to do to anybody who tells you, you can’t do something because you’re a different race or your age, or you’re a woman or you’re a man, they sometimes use that with men that want to go into traditionally female careers, which just blows my mind. I’m just like, Ah, hello. Welcome to the 2020s here, guys, what the frick? So they do that. And they try to put you into neat little boxes. And when you step out of those boxes, they come unfreaking hinged because you’re not playing their game. You’re not believing their bs, and it’s not really boundaries, it’s boxes, they want to put you into a neat little box.

So let me give you a personal example. And I’ve talked about this before, my dad was so ageist So sexist, so racist, so everything he was just a nightmare. And he would constantly tell me, I was a cute one, not the smart one, and that I was too dumb, basically, to go to college, which did he sabotage it he tried, he tried to keep me from graduating, I graduated. You know, when I got my master’s degree, I told no one in my family except for my sisters because I was like, don’t trust any of you mother cluckers.  Got my master’s degree opened my own business the whole thing. The whole time. I was doing that. I was working with a therapist. Why? Imposter syndrome! Thanks, Dad. Yeah, anyway. Yeah, because he gave me this whole list of Don’t you dare Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare be smart. Don’t you dare be successful. Don’t you dare do this. Don’t you dare do that. Don’t you dare Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare. And that’s what abusers do is they want to put us in this nice little box that we can never escape from and that we believe their BS, basically. So when I wrote my first book, okay, which was What’s wrong with your dad? First of all, I broke so many rules, family rules, you know, don’t air the dirty laundry. Don’t tell anybody. Don’t you know, every family acts like the Oh, yeah. Watch this. Click, click, click, click like, you know, so when I first wrote that book, I remember telling Jack Hayworth, who’s a friend of mine, he’s awesome. And I told him, I said, Dude, I hope it fails. He said What? I said, I’m okay with failure. I know what failure looks like, I know how to cope with that. I’m not so sure I know how to cope with success. And I was terrified and when it did well, and when I did the show, and when things started going, I was like, you know, panic attack because it was like, oh my god, I’m going against all of the what’s the word I’m looking for? All of the lies all of the boxes, all of the BS that my abuser shoved into my head which was your female you can’t be successful. You’re too old. You’re too stupid. You’re too this you’re too that… da, da, da, da, da. And I went against all of it. And no, and I published and then I published another one and then I published it other one and now I’m publishing a fourth one here soon.

Yeah, so basically when you go up against that, that basic assumption, that’s the word I was looking for. The basic assumption so the basic assumption is generally unhealthy. The basic assumption that we get from abusers is you’re not good enough. You’re gonna fail. It’s not okay. How dare you How dare you be seen! How dare you be heard! And most importantly… How dare you be believed! Holy crap! Do you see where I’m going with that? So, you go up against all of those basic assumptions that got shoved into our heads and you start busting out of that box… You betcha that inner critic is going to go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, and it’s going to be like, Oh my God, how dare you, you can’t do that. You can’t do that you need to stop blah, blah, blah, it’s gonna be terrible. You’re fake. You’re a fraud. You’re this You’re that bla bla bla bla, thank you for your input. Shut the bleep up. Why? Because I say so. Thanks for playing, go pound sand by, you know what I’m saying. So that is essentially what is happening is that inner critic just blows up because we are coming out of those basic assumptions that we got from our abusive family or our abusive, romantic partner, or we get into an office worker situation, and somebody’s always taking credit for what we do. Funny. Been there, done that, yeah, or we get a boss that’s a bully. How many of us have had bosses that were bullies? Oh my sweet baby Jesus? Yes. So we have all of that stuff, reinforcing all of that negative stuff from the family of origin. And that’s where we get that imposter syndrome. Oh, my God, I’m not good enough. Oh, my God, I’m a fake. Oh, my God, I’m a fraud. Oh, my God, I’d rather fail. Oh, my God, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. Yes.

So basically, it boils down to self-esteem. No surprise, self-esteem, it is self-esteem and working on the mistaken thoughts and the mistaken beliefs that we got from our abuser because if their lips were moving, they were lying. And they still are. And they will be until the day that they are put six feet underground and probably beyond. So there you go, you know what I’m saying. So the basic assumption is a bunch of lies, that got shoved in your head, about who you are, how we are, where we are, what we can talk about, what we can’t talk about, how we can be, how can we not be, etc, etc, etc. So it is working on again, the trauma from having been either raised in a family of origin that was just completely abusive, verbally, physically, mentally, emotionally, religiously, or whatever, or going into an abusive relationship where they did the same thing or similar, or they do that and you haven’t had that happen before. And now that completely messed your world up and put an egg beater in your head and screwed everything up, up there.

So or you get into a boss situation that’s abusive, that’s taking credit for everything that you do, or coworkers when it’s a bully situation, or whatever, and that reinforces whatever else is going on. Basically, it boils down to self-esteem.

So I pulled up a whole bunch of scholarly articles and other articles from Psychology Today. So quickly, I want to go over those. So this one is by… let me find, okay, this is called a new way to address imposter syndrome. It starts with integration of immunity change and schema therapy. So this one is advocating schema therapy, which I think is great. This was written on January 26, 2022, by Sebastian Selaku. So he talks about okay, the solution. Immunity to Change is learning is a learning process developed by the Harvard University Graduate School of Education faculty, Robert Keegan, and Lisa Lahey, informed by 30 years of research on adult development, so Immunity to Change that is the name of the modality. So it’s basically teaching you how to be able to change, grow, adapt, etc. Um, it’s designed to protect individuals from the negative consequences of personal change. And this think about it… shame. They love to shove shame into our head. Disappointment, they love to make us feel like disappointment is somehow bad, wrong, or whatever. Yeah, you’re going to be disappointed things are not always going to go your way. If I quit at my first disappointment, I would not be here. What I basically did is oh, crap, that didn’t work. Okay, well, what can I do differently, right? Oh, okay, dust myself off, get back up on the horse. Keep riding. You know what I’m saying? So, yeah, so narcissists, parents and narcissistic partners, narcissistic bosses. They all try to shove perfectionism and neuroses into our heads. So we oftentimes suffer from No, it can’t change. No, it has to be this way. No, it has to be this way. And so we get very stuck in this very rigid way of thinking now think about it. abusers are rigid thinking splitting, black, white, good, bad, all nothing. Okay. So they don’t have that fluidity to kind of roll with the punches or roll with whatever changes. So that teaches us as kids to be very rigid, and no, no, don’t like change. Oh, my God. Oh, well, you know, here’s the There’s two constants in life change and taxes. You don’t have to like either one of them, but they’re gonna happen. So you know, it’s it’s you got to get that ability to have flexibility. And to stop with the perfection. The analysis paralysis keeps some of the most brilliant minds from moving forward. And and I think it’s on purpose, you know, when a kid is super intelligent, and they’re really good at something, and then the parent starts doing not good enough, not good enough has to be perfect has to be perfect, has to be perfect. That kid then gets stuck in Oh, no, I can’t release it, because I can’t turn it loose. Because, you know, it has to be perfect. And so then they never do anything because they’re stuck in that analysis paralysis. And I think it’s intentional. I do because the abuser does not want you to succeed. There we go. So yeah, so schema therapy is a great way to deal with that the immunity to change. You know, it’s that’s something to really think about.

Kris Godinez 21:01

In short, the new approach works because it uncovers the processing of information that escapes mental consciousness, so that schema therapy, fully unpacks and deconstructs and disables the immune system that maintains your imposter syndrome by unlocking your unique life trap combination codes. So that’s the immunity to change. So that is something to look into.

The other thing I wanted to talk about too, is EMDR. So that was Bessel. Vander Kolk, was a huge proponent of EMDR. He was like, this is a great modality for trauma, I strongly recommend it now some people love it. Some people hate it, some people works with, some people, it doesn’t. Again, you’re going to have to kind of explore and figure out what works for you. I recommend doing EMDR in combination with talk therapy of some sort DBT CBT something because EMDR is great, but then there are some things that you do need to process. cerebrally. So yeah. Okay, so that was on psychology today.

This one also is on psychology today. This is Do you sometimes feel like a fraud and this is by F Diane Barth licensed social worker. Okay, and here’s what I loved and she’s like, here’s how to cope with it recognize that you are not alone. This affects men and women, not just women it was it’s affects men as well especially if they got the whole you know, not good enough not good enough, not good enough. Pay attention to your actual successes.

So you know how I always say write down what they did to us so you can remember so that when they do the the hoovering that you’re not like oh rose-colored glasses primrose path to hell, let’s go drop down there. No, no, you do the writing down of that so you can remember so that you don’t take that path now. With imposter syndrome. You write down all your successes to remind yourself yeah, I did this, I did this, I did. This is just like when I talk about the self-esteem work. So the mirror work so at night, so in the Okay, sorry, back up! Alright. And in the morning, I always say, create yourself, you know, hi, good to see you have a great day, I give you permission to draw boundaries and then walk out, right. But then at night, I strongly recommend that you also end the day you do like bookends, you end the day by reminding yourself of three things you did right that day. Why? Because our abusers never remind us of what we did. Right? They love, love to just take our nose and rub our nose in everything we did wrong, real or imagined. Mostly imagined. So it’s really important for you to reparent yourself and remind yourself three things you did right every day every damn day. Make it a habit. So in the morning, you’re setting the intention in the evening you’re putting that nice little bookend Hey Good to see you again. Here are three things you did right today you did this right, you did this right, you did this right go sleep well. Have a wonderful night’s sleep dream happy wonderful dreams travel, travel on the astral have fun, and then go to bed. Okay, you’re setting the intention for sleeping because a lot of us have got sleep problems raise your hand if you have sleep problems. Yep. So yeah, we all do um, especially coming out of an abusive relationship or when something traumatic happens in the world like oh, I don’t know you know possible world war three. So do you see where I’m going with that? So you set the intention for the night you know I did this right, I did this right, I did this right. It’s great to see me I love you sleep well. How happy dreams let the world go have happy dreams and then go to bed.

Kris Godinez 24:50

So does that make sense? So yeah, so this is why it’s important to do that bookend of what did you do right? Remind yourself what you did wrong. A good parent, always tell kids what they did right?

Spending time in Alaska with my nephew and his wife and the two kids was phenomenal because Vernon and Megan always do this thing where they go at the dinner table. It’s like, what was the best part of the day? What was the worst part of the day? What would you like to do again? You know, what are you proud of yourself for? You know, it’s a great thing that everybody you know, they go around the table, everybody says something, everybody answers the question. It’s really wonderful. And that’s what good parents do. Bad parents don’t care, bad parents are too busy. Go away kid, I’m too busy. I you know, and then, or, Oh, you’re such a bad kid. Bla, bla, bla. You know, it’s like what, you know, how you speak to your children becomes their inner dialogue seriously. So yeah, anyway, okay.

So, back to, okay. Okay. Pay attention to your actual successes, write them down, say them out loud. Ask for help. So, a trauma response is not asking for help, because we have learned early on. You know, I remember clearly walking up to my dad and saying, Dad, I have a problem. And he looked at me he was so angry. Because he was angry all the time. He was an alcoholic and an opiate addict. He looked at me and he was like, I have my own problems kid go away. So Oh, okay. Thanks, dad. Now I know I cannot rely on you, you jackwagon Do you see where I’m going with that? So we learn quickly not to ask for help, because we know none is coming. So it’s kind of like, oh, okay, pulling up my own bootstraps, and I’ll figure it out myself. Thanks. When I say thanks. What I mean is go pound sand. So you know what I’m saying? So we learn quickly not to ask for help. But but healthy, healthy, healthy adults. will say yes, let’s get you some help. Yes. Let’s figure this out. Yes, let’s, okay, what is your problem? What do you need? What? How can I help you? You know, not not the codependent kind of thing. But like a healthy parent would have said, Oh, my gosh, on what’s going on, you know, and at least have been curious. He wasn’t even curious. He didn’t care. It wasn’t about him. You know what I’m saying? So you, we learn not to ask for help. So that’s a trauma response. So it’s really important when you are suffering when you are having imposter syndrome. Go get help. And that’s what I did. You know, you go get your own therapist, you go get, you know, a sounding board, you go work on self-esteem because all comes from lack of self-esteem. It really truly does. Okay, hold on, how are we doing? Ah, I’m going over sorry, I will get to the questions, asked for help.

Okay, um, check out your goals? Are they realistic? What do you want to achieve? Are you trying to impress someone in your family? Never a good idea. Because especially if they’re disordered, it’s never going to happen? Do you have a mentor that you’re afraid of letting down work on these issues? You know, it’s not about the other people it is about you? Did you set some goals for yourself when you were younger, that you’re trying to attain to take some time to revisit these goals? What would it mean, if your dad wasn’t impressed with that? With what you would accomplish? How disappointed would that mentor be? And what if you don’t meet a goal you established when you were younger and maybe more naive? Will you not be a good person? Yeah, because we often get that well, if you don’t do this, you’re not a good person. You’re not good enough, bla bla bla, will you not be happy? And so remember, the reason our abusers do these impossible goals and these impossible comparisons, is because they’re not happy and God forbid we should be. Nothing pisses off an abuser more than to see somebody who is genuinely happy and having a good time and enjoying themselves. How dare they, you know, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had narcissists. Literally yell at me because my laugh was too loud. Or you know, I’m sure inappropriate your da, da, da, da, da. It’s like really because the world is kind of absurd right now. I’d rather laugh than cry. Thank you have a nice day, go pound sand, do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, abusers hate laughter runs from laughter. Devil runs from laughter, so, anyway, um, so okay. So there is that okay, um, okay.

So, this is also from Psychology Today, this is Mark traverse PhD, this is how to overcome imposter syndrome.

Kris Godinez 29:12

So the tendency to doubt one’s abilities and be afraid of failure, even when failure would could be professionally enriching. So I think what I’m going to suggest for overcoming the imposter syndrome is to get with a good trauma therapist. Number one, find a good trauma therapist. Start working on self-esteem. Start doing the mirror work daily, morning and evening, morning and evening, morning and evening. Do it daily. Start writing down your successes and start calling out, start challenging the BS messages you got from mom, dad, grandparents, teachers, whoever tried to make you feel that you were not good enough. That was intentional on their part. It totally was. So writing down all the good stuff.

Um, oh, that was another thing. Procrastination. So we tend to procrastinate when we have imposter syndrome because we’re afraid it’s all fear-based. Procrastination is a form of power and control because nobody can make us do it. You know, like, I’ll do it when I want to. I do what I want, you know, that kind of thing. So procrastination is a form of self-sabotage. So really take a look at how much do you procrastinate and why. What’s going on? What are you trying to avoid? What are you afraid of what’s happening, get with a good trauma therapist and start working through all of these little self-sabotaging kind of things. Okay, so there’s that hang on.

Um, alienation a feeling of loneliness or isolation from oneself. So this is where the self-esteem work. The CPTSD from surviving to thriving, super important. Putting the BS back where it belongs, putting the mistaken thoughts, mistaken beliefs, all the things that were them, remember, they project. So if they’re losers, they’re going to project that you’re a loser. You’re not, you’re not, they are. So you put it back on them, and you do not accept their story. Because they’re trying to make their story, your story. So you write and burn those letters. You get rid of the stuff that’s not real or true to your dad. Guess what? I own my own business. I have this YouTube channel I’ve written I’m writing the fourth book. Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep you you did evil, go pound sand, have a nice afterlife, whatever, and then trot it out to the barbecue and burn it. To have some humor about it. Not everything is super serious guys, you can have humor about this. You can and anybody who tells you you can’t is probably disordered. All right, so let’s see. Um, all right. Okay, so there was that one? Let me get rid of that.

Okay, family dynamics, obviously is a cause of it. Comparison is a huge cause of it. They talk about parents comparing, and all of that stuff. Okay. And then there is on brill, Brill.com, dealing with imposter syndrome. This is by Judy Robertson, and she talks about do you feel like a fraud? And then she talks about the high pressure of academia, you know, did the parents put this ridiculous amount of pressure on the kids to be perfect, or, you know, make them look good, or whatever, and then that translates into the work environment. So that one specifically is about the work environment, she offers some really good suggestions with that. Okay, sorry, I’ve gone way over, but I thought this was a really interesting topic. Okay, let’s get to the questions. Okay.

What to do if imposter syndrome comes up in a high-pressure moment, and usually does so, to be clear, imposter syndrome usually doesn’t poke its head up until it’s a high-pressure moment, you know, like, you’re going to be on the spot you’re going to be performing, you’re going to be presenting, you’re going to be you know, whatever. For instance, during a presentation, you start hearing the critical voice. So what you’re going to do, you’re going to take a moment, you’re going to take a moment, you’re going to have a glass of water or something next to you, just like I talked about in court, right? So if you have to give testimony, you have the water and when you take that sip of water, you’re going to say I know what I’m doing. Thank you, go pound sand! I know what I’m doing. And you just do that to yourself. You just you don’t say it out loud, obviously because microphone, but um, you just take that sip of water and you I know what I’m doing. It’s okay, thank you, critic. Go pound sand, you know, and then start your presentation. So yeah, especially if you hadn’t really worked on the the family of origin stuff if you haven’t worked on the trauma if you’re not aware of the game playing the inner critic does. Yeah, you’re going to be in a high-pressure situation all of a sudden it’s gonna pop up and you’re just going to have to be like, I hear you I see you the thought stopping I hear you I see you not today Satan Have a nice life. Go pound sand buh bye. I’ll deal with you later at home. Buh bye go play in traffic. Goodbye.

Kris Godinez 34:10

Do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, it is gonna pop up. And it usually is in high pressure situations. So I remember when I first started this whole whole, this whole journey, when I was doing the radio show back on a little AM station here in Phoenix. And I was terrified the first time that my co-host couldn’t be there because I was like, What do you mean, I have to do the show by myself. I don’t know what I’m doing. What do you mean, you know, so it was really terrifying. And yes, that inner critic popped up like nobody’s business but I did it, you know, and then I realized, wait a minute, I do know what I’m doing. I don’t necessarily need another person there. Thank you very much. So you know what I’m saying so that it just experience experience brings confidence it does. It also shows you where to work on so if it pops up during present That’s your clue. Oh, I got some more work to do. I got some more self-esteem work to do. I’ve got some more boundaries to do. I’ve got some more CPTSD from surviving to thriving work to do I got to put this back with the abuser. This is not even mine. This fear is not even mine. That’s theirs, you know? So it’s just look at everything as an opportunity to work on yourself. It’s like, what is it showing you? What is it teaching? Why is it popping up now? Oh, isn’t that interesting? You get to be competent, you get to know what you know, who doesn’t want you to know what you know? Hmm, might be time to write them a go-pound sand letter, you know, and work it through with a therapist. Really, really important. Okay.

Um, why would my narc mom want to be in competition with me? It was so bad. She was trying to seduce my boyfriend. Oh, that is so common. Oh, good Lord, it is so common. So narcissists are always in competition with everybody and especially their own children. And yes, they will try to seduce boyfriends they’ll try to seduce girlfriends, they’ll because in their sick and twisted little mind, remember their their emotional development is maybe, maybe on a good day, if the wind is blowing in the right direction that of a two-year-old. Seriously. So they are in competition with everybody. And they view life as a piece of pie. Instead of infinite. You know, it’s like there’s 7 billion people on the face of this planet, y’all got enough love for every single one of them. So maybe not Putin, but that’s another issue. Anyway, the point being is, is that they view life as finite, they view it as Oh, there’s only so much for each person. And if you take that, then you’re you’re taking away from me. That’s literally how they look at things. How old are they? Oh, my God, not very old. And so they view your being with somebody as a threat. And so they’ve got to prove that they are the most handsome, most beautiful, most seductive, most this most, that most whatever. And they have to have that attention. Otherwise, it feels to them. Because they’re crazy. Like it’s taking away from the pie that they’re gonna miss out on that piece of the pie. You know what I’m saying? As opposed to 7 billion people on this planet, you can love them all. Thank you very much. Thanks for playing goodbye. You know what I’m saying? So they can’t understand that. They’re not. They don’t feel the way we feel. Let’s just go back to that. They don’t have empathy. It’s very, it’s a very emotionally immature way of thinking. And it is very black, white, good, bad, all nothing. Okay, splitting. And that’s why they’re in competition because they have to be the best, the smartest, the sexiest, the most seductive the whatever. And they’re terrified of aging, too. Oh, dear God. So yeah. Um, so I hope that answered the question. Yeah, they absolutely do do that. And the best way to deal with a parent that is doing that is to simply not be around them. Or if you feel the need to introduce your boyfriend, girlfriend to your family, you warn them ahead of time. So like with John, bless his heart. We went out to dinner. And this was when I was still drinking, and I got wasted and I told him, everything, like literally everything because I was like, okay, dude, here. Here it is. This is the family you’re marrying into. God bless. Good luck. You might want to wear garlic, you know, I mean, I told him everything. And so he was kind of prepared. When he did meet my family, and my mom was inappropriate. And my dad was telling racially inappropriate jokes. And, you know, it just, I’m sitting there kicking the backseat of my dad’s car, like, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, you know, and I’m just like, do you want me to be an old maid? What are you doing? And John bless his heart? He was like, well, they’re kind of interesting. They’re now you know. Like, oh, you have a sense of humor. Oh, this is good.

Kris Godinez 39:10

So yeah, so basically, you You stay away from the family, if you can, if you feel the need to introduce I seriously advocate for telling the truth. Like, look, my family’s crazy. I don’t recommend getting drunk. That was when I was still drinking, but, you know, tell them the truth. Tell them everything so that they’re not shocked and explain it to them. And if they leave, then they’re not the right person for you, basically. So can you know because it’s kind of like they need to be prepared because if you take a boyfriend or girlfriend home and then mom or dad or both are hitting on them, it’s going to be really awkward and weird, but if they kind of know about it ahead of time, they’re kind of got to be like, Oh, I see this. Okay, got it. All right, cool. Look at the time, gotta go, you know, they’ll help you hopefully get out of it. So, huh? Anyway, There is that.

Um, in regards to write and burning letters because I have a hard time letting go, because that’s what the abuser was dismissive and forgot. Oh, oh, okay. So it’s a fine line. So abuse is not always the verbally always on you kind of thing. Sometimes the abuse is the neglectful dismissive, not paying attention doesn’t care ignoring. Oh, dear God, you know, it’s a thing. So what you want to do with that, I still think writing the letter would be good. But you also have to remember you cannot make them be healthy or normal, you cannot make them. You know, whatever. And sometimes we hang on to those letters are we hang on to the anger in a misguided and very young way of trying to fix them, or change them. And I know for me, that’s what I discovered I was doing with my dad after he died.

So after he died, you know, my therapist was just like, you gotta let him go. You’re keeping angry at him because you’re still trying to fix him. I was like, No, I’m damn it. Looks like she got me. You know? And yeah, it’s true. I was, it’s like, there was that part of me that was like, I’m gonna fix him. I’m gonna fix them. I’m gonna, I’m gonna make him right. I’m gonna make him okay. No, not mothercluckers Dad, I can’t do jack diddly squat. It’s up to the higher powers now, you know.

So you just kind of got to let that stuff go. Because it says nothing about you. Nothing. If they were dismissive. If they neglected it, they ignored if they didn’t validate they’re cuckoo, they are the problem, not us, not you, you’re not the problem. They are because they are the ones that did the whole, neglecting, ignoring, not validating, etc, etc, etc. They’re the problem. That’s not normal. That’s a normal, healthy parent, a normal healthy parent is involved and talking and with you, which is why I want you to do the mirror work morning and night because you’re re-parenting yourself the way you wished you’d always been spoken to validate, validate, validate, love yourself, love yourself, talk to yourself. Hi, good to see you have a great day. You know what? I give you permission to be heard. I give you permission to be seen. I give you permission to be validated and then walk out because that’s what you’re looking for. So become your own parent. I know. And it’s not fair, is it? It really isn’t. It is not fair. But you know, it is the way it is. We got the cards we got dealt with. Let’s make the best of it. So the best of it is to reparent ourselves. Do not give your power over to your abuser. Do not hang on to them. Let them go, just let them go. You can’t fix them because you didn’t break them. The only person that can fix them is them and they’re unlikely to do that. So there that is yeah, I totally get it though. It’s the neglect in the in the ignoring you that.

Um, okay, what if there’s praise in the mix alternating with the rest? So I always call that damning with faint praise. damning with faint praise. And that is what abusers do. And my dad was an expert at that. So yeah, they’ll give like this. It sounds like praise. But then there’s this nasty nonconstructive criticism thrown in, which basically say it with me invalidates whatever praise there was because it wasn’t real in the first place because they don’t praise. So yeah, it’s damning with faint praise is what I call it. So when somebody does that, I’m already wiping my hands, I’m like, Oh, damn spot out. I say, oh, yeah, it’s like, nope. Thank you. You’ve shown me who you are. You show me how you really think. Thanks for playing, go pound sand.

Kris Godinez 43:55

Especially with bosses, co-workers, anybody that does that damning with faint praise? No, they show you who they are. Believe them the first time. Absolutely. And yeah, they do that and it’s on purpose absofreakinglutely.

Um, I have memory issues after so many years of abuse, and I’m wondering if it gets better with time? It can Yeah, it does. Usually, um, PTSD. One of the hallmarks of PTSD is not being able to remember key events of the trauma. If there was a lot of trauma. You know, like I said, I get some clients that come in and have very little memories of their childhood. So they’ll say, Well, I can remember till about age 10. And then I’m like, oh, Red Alert, shields up. Something happened. Something happened. Hello. You know, so if there’s not a lot of consistent childhood memories that says to me, a great deal of trauma has occurred. Memory loss as in not remembering things that can be a stress response, Absolutely. If you are concerned about it, though, I strongly suggest going and getting a physical go talk to your medical doctor because not everything is psychological. So you want to rule out the physical stuff, you know, is there. Is there something going on neurologically? Is there something going on physically that needs to be addressed. So you want to rule that out. And then also you want to double whammy, you want to also work with a trauma therapist and see if it improves with working on the trauma. So yeah, so you just want to cover all your bases. That’s a really good way to do it. That’s what I like to do. Because it’s kind of like, oh, yeah, let’s make sure this is not physical. Let’s, let’s rule out this. And then let’s see if it’s if it really is psychological. And it can be because PTSD, obviously, we don’t remember key events from trauma, stress, ongoing stress that will cause you to completely lose your mind. You bet. Absolutely. So, yeah, so check it out. And and double-check that it’s not something physical. Okay. Um, it can get better over time. Yeah. Once you start how to explain this. Once you start working on the trauma, a lot of my clients will start remembering past whatever age they could not remember. And obviously, it’s a lot of trauma. And some of them are freaked out there. Like oh my god, oh my god. Oh my God, I don’t want to remember and I’m like, take a deep breath. It’s all good. This is good. This is good that you remembering because now you can deal with it. And now you’re not being run by it and it’s not the inner child making decisions. It’s the dolt. You’re making decisions. So choose reframe the way you’re thinking about it. It’s okay to feel it’s okay to feel, it’s okay to remember it is Is it scary? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You betcha. Yeah. But necessary, because you want to work through it so that you’re making the decisions adult you not little you. So yeah, absolutely. Okay, hold on. Let me get back to this. Yes, it can get better over time with the proper therapy. And if it’s not a neurological issue,

do narc abusers have inverted posture syndrome, they usually pretend to be better than they are. And their victims tend to believe their own worth is less than it really is. Well, kind of. So abusers, narcissists, in particular, totally overstate their abilities, they have to be the best of the best of the best of everything, and they will lie about it. And of course, they have to put down anybody who’s a threat to them. Like totally put them down, like you know, go for the jugular, say lies, etc, etc, etc, because they’re so threatened by genuine emotions, genuine intelligence, genuine people, genuine whatever. So yeah, they do, they do, do that they overstate their worth and the targets of abuse when you’re in the fog, the fear, the obligation, and the guilt when you’re in that thrall of the abusers. almost hypnotic kind of weirdness that intermittent positive rewards the love bombing, the you know, I love you he the whole thing. When you’re in that Thrall, you believe whatever they say, even though you know it’s not true, because you want it to be true, because you want to believe them. And unfortunately, part and parcel of that is believing what they say about you. So that’s why it’s so important that once you go, no contact with an abuser, you stay no contact, do not go back to them, because you’ll just go fall right back into the fog. I mean, like, immediately, and it’s scary, how quickly it can happen. Especially if you haven’t done the work on yourself, especially if you haven’t been working on self-esteem. Especially if you haven’t been working on boundaries. You get back with that abuser and oh my god, you fall right back into those roles, and you fall right back into that fog, and it’s dangerous. So that’s why I’m saying if you go no contact, you stay no contact no matter what they say. And they will say the prettiest lies. Oh, I’ve changed. It’ll be different this time. It’ll be better. I’m in therapy. Right? No, you’re not. You know what I’m saying? So yeah, you don’t you don’t believe them? Because if their lips are moving, they are lying.

Okay. Um, how can I be the best parents? I can for my three-year-old I struggled with PTSD after leaving my abusive ex. So you work on yourself that you lead by example. Seriously, kids are little sponges and I tell parents this all the time. Kids are sponges, they watch us they look to us for how to respond. So if something really scary is happening, and you’re calm and cool and collected, the kids gonna be calm and cool collected. If you’re running around like a chicken with its head cut off. The kids gonna be freaked out the dig where I’m going with that. So they watch us to how to react they do. So the best way to be the best parent for your kid his work on you. You’ve got PTSD from being in an abusive relationship. Okay, get with a good trauma therapist. If you cannot afford a good trauma therapist start working CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. Do the mirror, work with your kid, make it a fun game. Include them. And then at night when you put them to bed Hey little guy, three things that I love about you, or a little girl or whatever, you know, three things I love about you here, I love this. I love this, I love this talk to them, you encourage them, you let them know you love you. Because you’re gonna be sitting there going, I love you, I love you, I love you to them. And if you’re not loving yourself, they’re, they’re going to the greatest little BS detectors in the world, your kids. So yeah, do you see where I’m going with that. So you work on you, you be a role model, you be the role model for your little one that your parents may or may not have been for you, you know, so you work on you self-esteem, boundaries. CPTSD do the mirror work, your work daily, include them, make sure to tell them what they’re doing right. Make sure you tell them you love them. Make sure you hug them, make sure you comfort them, make sure you let them be kids, I just get so sick of these ebbing nurses that insist that their little, little, little little little ones be many adults and like they’re not cognitively capable of it. Don’t get me started anyway. So let them be kids. Let them be kids recognize that they’ve got a different cognition than we do as adults. And let them be kids and be age-appropriate for whatever you need to tell them and don’t bad mouth, the other parents and you know, be open and honest. So yeah, just be a good role model be a good role model. Okay, let’s see. Is that it? Oh, that’s it. We are done. So anyway, I hope this helped with imposter syndrome. Every single survivor, almost every single survivor of abuse has got it. It’s because of the nonstop lying, gaslighting, rewriting history pulling reality out from underneath us, etc. And the best way to deal with that, give the good trauma therapist start working on self-esteem. Start doing them your work daily morning reading morning, evening. Really do take very good care of yourself. Drink plenty of water, get some exercise, get out in the sunshine, do take good care of yourself. All right, you guys be good. Love you take care of yourselves and I will talk to you soon.

The post 03-13-2022 Imposter Syndrome Explained appeared first on Kris Godinez.

Kris Godinez  00:02

Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

So, lies that they tell to keep us stuck. Oh, so many. If their lips are moving, they are lying. Let’s just be clear about that, unfortunately. So basically, what the first lie they start with is the I Love You lie. The love bombing, the love bombing, love bombing, this Mirroring is a lie. And it’s hard for us to see. Because when we come in contact with one of these abusers, they mirror us perfectly, perfectly. And we’re coming up on Valentine’s Day. So, we’re coming into the heaviest part of the hoovering season. I mean, Christmas was pretty heavy, but we’re coming into another heavy part of the hoovering season, this time of year, they’re either looking for new supply, or they are going back to old supply and lying to get the old supply or they’re lying to get the new supply if that makes any sort of sense. So basically, if their lips are moving, they’re lying. So, the first lie they tell us is the love bombing. So, when they’re on the hunt for a new supply, they figure out everything that we like.

So, something to be really careful of is when you’re dating, especially God, please don’t go on dating websites, they are filled with predators filled and I keep telling people this and then I keep getting comments back going, oh my god, I just met another narcissist on this website. I can’t believe it. And I’m like, um, please go off of those websites, you’re not going to meet a well, you might but it would be a rarity. It would be like, you know, one in a million. It is filled with predators because they can pretend to be whoever they want to be on the online sites. You know, the best way to meet somebody honest to God, first of all, you work on yourself. I know I’m going off on a tangent, sorry, I’ll get back to the topic. First, you want to work on yourself and get your self-esteem rock-solid, know who the heck you are. And then you go do the things you love. And that is where you’re going to meet like-minded people. If you’re specifically looking for a partner or a dating or things like that, you’re going to find predators, go do the things you love, work on your self-esteem, get your self-esteem, rock-solid, know who the heck you are, and then go off and do that. Why? Because back to the lies they tell.

So, to hook us, they start asking all sorts of questions, you know, and they’re pumping us for information. We don’t even realize it. We think that oh, it’s just the normal. You know, they’re, they’re asking, you know what I like what I don’t like it’s the normal dating thing. It’s the normal, normal getting to know you kind of thing. But if you’ll notice, they’re pumping you for information. They give up very, very few bits of information about themselves. They don’t really talk about themselves. They’re trying to figure out who you are what you’re about, you know, and then they start doing the Prince Han/Princess Anna Frozen thing. Oh, you like moose? I like moose. You like to ice skate. I like to ice skate, you like pizza. I like pizza, you know, the whole everything you like they like kind of thing. Mirroring, so they’re mirroring you. So that’s the first lie. Okay, then as the time goes on, it’s like some of them and especially if they’re closer to the dark triad end of the spectrum. They just lie to see if they can get the frick away with it. That’s really they’re kind of it’s a it’s a game to them. And with others, they lie because they are serial cheaters and I want to talk about that as well.

So, somebody asked me, why do they need a harem? Okay, so

Kris Godinez  04:46

if they are narcissistic more than likely they are cheaters and more than likely you’re not the only one and more than likely they’ve got a whole bunch of harem out there male/female doesn’t matter they need narcissistic supply like we need oxygen. Okay, so what a narcissist does and especially the more psychopathic they are, they need a harem. They need that constant of who can I call on who can I get the supply from? Who can I get this from? Who can I get that from? So, they romance or woo multiple partners without telling any of these partners now there’s a difference between polyamorous and cheating. Polyamorous is where everybody is on board. Everybody knows about everybody else. Everybody is on the same page. Everybody understands that this is a polyamorous relationship. With a narcissist, they go out and they get different people, but they don’t tell any of the other ones. And they tell each one of them. You’re the only one

Kris Godinez  05:43

I know. I know. I know. So. And another thing they like to do. And this is something that somebody had asked me about online, they were like, can you talk more about double affairs? So, a double affair is when the narcissist is married, the target is married, and they start going after the target who’s married but they’re married. So, a double affair. It’s in the urban dictionary at the double affairs when both parties are married. But there is an affair going on. Now. Why would a narcissist do that? Oh, em, gee, can you say supply? like nobody’s business? Remember, they are all ego there is not a shred of decency about this person whatsoever. They don’t care about anybody except themselves. Me, me, me I, I, I more, my genitals. That really is the way they think. So, when they’re doing a double affair, it is a double. What’s the word I’m looking for? It’s like, it’s double nose candy for them. To be able to get the target of abuse away from an established relationship… It’s like cocaine for them, seriously. So, they love it because it’s, it’s exciting. And oh look, I was able to take them out of this relationship and up dah dah dah dah dah dah, dah dah. So, it’s, it’s a sort of looking for is an ego thing. It is a power and control thing. Look how powerful I am. Look how brilliant I am. Look how smart I am or how handsome or beautiful I am. Look how, you know, whatever their thing is, I was able to do this. Now, the thing of it is, is that they’re not just doing this to one married person, they probably have multiple that none of them know about and something else I have gotten question about questions about is,

okay, I’ve discovered that they have multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple partners. They’re married, I’m married, they’ve ruined my marriage. You know, should I talk to the wife? Should I? I wouldn’t. I mean, some clients have done that. And it did turn out, okay, the wife was willing to confront the abuser and leave them and you know, basically let them get their just desserts. But a lot of times it doesn’t turn out, okay. And the reason for that is, is because if the person is as disordered as the narcissist is, and sometimes that happens, either they’re disordered or they’re deep in denial, and they don’t want to deal with it, and they want to believe that the person is a good person, they’re not going to believe you. And then that creates the Drama Triangle, where you have the hero, the villain and the victim, You’re the villain. The spouse is the victim, the narcissist is the hero. So, you don’t even want to you don’t even want to entertain that. Now, if the spouse comes to you, and wants to know stuff, you know, leave it up to your discretion, what good is it going to do you know if it’s going to do good, great, do it if it’s going to harm you in any way, shape, or form or if they’re going to turn around and use it against you in any way, shape, or form? Don’t do it. So yeah, so that’s a double affair is when the narcissist who’s married, goes after a married target, and they generally have more than one married target that they’re going after. It’s this weird how do I explain this? It’s this weird thing of juggling? How many? Can I keep going? How many can I keep going? How long can I keep this lie going?

And what they tell each target of abuse is, Oh, Baby, you’re the only one oh, you know, I’m in this horrible relationship and my spouse is just an awful person. And this that and the other thing and it turns out generally that the spouse is not an awful person that the narcissist is telling the newest target this in order to feel get them to feel sympathy for them, in order to get them to feel sorry for them in order to get them on their side, etc, etc. And they’re not just doing it to the one target. They’re doing it to every single target that they’re, you know, they’re telling them how horrible the spouse is or how horrible this other person is. Generally, they don’t let them know that they’re dating other people. They, they try to make each spouse or each target think that they’re the only one but they generally villainize the, the spouse that they’re currently with because villain, victim hero, they need that triangle. So, they will keep people strung along for years, decades in some cases, because what they will do is they will say things like, Oh, well, you know, I just, I can’t leave him right now you know, the kids the financial and, you know, she would just clean me out and I can’t do it. And, you know, Ba,ba, Ba,ba Ba,ba, but you know, that whole, you know, that whole thing. If their lips are moving, they’re lying. The other thing they’ll say is, oh, well, you know, I’m going to divorce them. I’m going to divorce them. It’s going to happen, you know, decades go by, I’m gonna divorce them, it’s gonna happen. And then it never does. Because they don’t want to lose the supply. And they enjoy the harem. They enjoy. And remember, this is not just male narcissists, female targets. This can be female narcissist. Male targets, they do the same thing. It doesn’t matter. Male, female doesn’t matter. They do the same thing. So, they will target you know it and they will keep them all stringing along. Oh, yeah. I’m gonna leave him. Oh, yeah, this is gonna happen. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I can’t do it right now. I just don’t have the money. Oh, it’s not safe right now. You know, they come up with 100,000 million different excuses. And so what is so frustrating is when I deal with clients that are going through this, I tell them point blank, break up with them. Break up with them. They’re not ever going to leave that spouse. They’re not. This is a game and you are the favorite punching bag right now, you know, for narcissistic supply because they get their jollies off on telling you Oh, yeah, yeah, I’m gonna leave this person. Meanwhile, they never do and you keep coming back. And you keep hoping that this person is going to live up to all of these lies that they’ve told you, Oh, yeah.

When we’re when we’re together, future faking. Future faking. When we’re together, it’s going to be fabulous. We’ll move to Maui. You know, it’ll be great. We’ll, we’ll start over. It’ll be a fresh clean slate, we’ll you know. And it’ll be great. You know, you and I will go travel, we’ll go do this, we’ll go do that. And they don’t mean any of it. They’re not about to leave their spouse No way in hell, and especially if they are in

Kris Godinez  12:22

a communal narcissist position, like pillar of the community, they’re not going to divorce their spouse, they want everyone to think that that little family unit is perfect and has absolutely no cracks in it whatsoever. So, they do future faking, you know, it’s going to be great when I finally leave my spouse and you and I will be together and we’ll do it never happens. It never happens. They are never willingly going to divorce that person. Because a they enjoy the drama that’s coming from all the different supplies and be if they’re a communal narcissist, they want the prestige of everybody thinking that they’ve got this perfect little family unit. If they get divorced. There goes that thing.

So, there was an article that I really liked on elephant journal. And it was called how to move on without closure and healing from fantasy bonds. And let’s see who wrote this. Let’s see if I can find Naomi day Gasperus it’s a really good article. So um, it’s on elephant journal. And I know they do ads where they’re like, please pay please help us. You don’t have to, but it’s I love elephant journal. So, I subscribe to them. Breakups are painful. There’s no quick way through the heartache, basically. And then, you know, they go through like the the narratives, what do we tell ourselves about this? So, fantasy bonds, and this is what abusers get us to buy into is the fantasy bond/ trauma bonding. Yes, they absolutely do the intermittent positive rewards with us absolutely in one of these situations, but they also do the future faking, which is a fantasy bond. So, let’s talk about that. Fantasy bonds in fantasy bonds closure is nearly impossible, because the attachment was to a version of the person not the actual person. How many times have I said that? When we fall for them when they do the love bombing. You know, love bomb, love bomb, love bomb. You love pizza. I love pizza. You love moose. I love moose. You love ice skating. I love ice skating. They create this fantasy. Oh baby, baby. I’m going to leave them and we’re going to have this great romantic, exciting, adventurous life together future faking right. And so, we start buying in to the fantasy that they are selling. This is psychopathy, psychopathy. This really is. It’s like this dark triad.

So they get us buying into that fantasy. Um, it’s a pattern Falling in love with potential. How many times have we gotten involved with a narcissist in the past and we fell in love with their potential with but they’re so smart, that they’re so funny. But there’s so this there’s so that they have the they have the potential No, here’s the deal. They have the ability to mimic like predator. Did you remember that movie Predator, predator would mimic and yeah.

Kris Godinez  15:29

So they mimic they that that’s not really them, they are doing behavior that they see that you like in the beginning, they mimic it, they’re mimicking, they’re, they’re basically mirroring you back to you. And you start thinking oh my gosh, that’s them. This is great. You know, somebody who gets me somebody who understands somebody who loves me, somebody who you know, has the same moral code, somebody who, etc, etc, etc. But really, it turns out, they don’t, they’re just mimicking and once the supply goes away, the mimicking goes away and the real them comes roaring out and they’re not funny. They’re not smart, they’re not kind they’re not any of the good qualities that you are. Remember, they try to take over the target, they try to mimic the target as best they can, because they want those qualities, they want to be known as loving and kind and funny and this and that. And the other thing with the reality of it is they simply do not, they cannot, they do not feel the way we do and that is heartbreaking because we have fallen in love with the potential the fantasy of overlooking present unmet needs for the possibility of future needs being met future faking, we hope that somehow this person will become more aware, more kind, more attentive, the lack of affection, unreturned calls and broken promises get smoothed over and rationalized away with this imaginative narrative.

So this is the thing that every survivor of abuse must do when leaving one of these abusive relationships you have to write down every rotten thing they ever did, every way that they lied, every untruth every half-truth every omission every, every way that they harmed you, every way that they hurt you. Stop making excuses for their sorry hind end. And this is what I see happening over and over and over again with especially with survivors that are coming out of initially the very first you know, recognizing realizing getting out of they start making excuses for the abuser because they’ve done it for decades. You got to stop making excuses for them. There is no excuse. There is no excuse and something that I heard somebody say the other day and I just wanted to throat punch and they were like oh but Hurt people hurt people….go blow it out of your nose. No, I’m sorry. How many of us came from really, really, really awful families. Hello, hurt people do not hurt people, psychopaths, hurt people. narcissists hurt people, people at the end of the spectrum hurt people. That’s who does that. Okay, so no, it’s not Oh, poor them. They had a rough life. See, that’s, that’s another lie that they tell. Oh, I had this horrible childhood. Okay, well join the frickin club. You don’t see the rest of us acting like a bunch of buffoons. Thank you very much. You know it’s, it’s like they tell the sob story. I had this horrible childhood. This is the reason why name whatever BS that they’re lying about, you know.

So again, sex, a lot of times they’ll use sex and they’ll lie about sex. So in the beginning, they’re like crazy sexual, and then they get their hooks into you. And the sex dries up.

Kris Godinez  18:50

Oh, it’s my childhood. Oh, well, it’s this well fine go to therapy. And they never do. Because they don’t want to fix it and it probably is not the real issue. So yeah, they use all sorts of BS to keep us hooked. The lack of affection, the unreturned calls, the broken promises gets smoothed, rationalized away with an imaginary narrative. So, you cannot give yourself, you know what I’m saying? A fake narrative! What is, what is really right here in front of you. What are they doing? How are they harming you? That is reality. That’s the real them and that is so hard for targets of abuse to wrap their heads around, is that this person who came across as prince or princess charming was an illusion. I know. A mirage that disappears as soon as you get close to it. That’s a good analogy. Yeah, it’s a mirage that disappears. As soon as you get close to it, poof, gone. Not there. You know, and the real them is the one that goes and wants to harm hurt, take over demon demoralized, devalue, discard and keep looking for other targets of abuse, because they need a harem, to keep that ginormous ego going.

So they’re literally how do I explain this? If they don’t have somebody feeding their ego, they, in their minds pretty much cease to exist. And that’s a terrifying thought for them. And that’s why they’re so vicious about what they do. And you know, instead of turning inwards and going, kill the ego, who am I really? What is my place in the universe? What’s, you know, what’s my purpose? How can I help mankind, you know, that kind of thing. It’s all feed the ego feed the ego, feed the ego, feed the ego, use as many people as you can feed the ego, you know, evil, basically, if you want my personal opinion, okay.

Back to this article, how to move on without closure. We end up giving more chances and more leeway because our thoughts stay stuck on the fantasy bond, and the kind of toxic hope that sounds like, oh, maybe they just don’t get it. Maybe they’re in a bad place. If I can help them understand. If we can work through this, it would be so great. Maybe we need more time, more communication, more sex, more vacations, if they realize what’s happening, and how, how it makes me feel, how good we could be, and then everything will get better. But it never happens, guys, ever. They don’t care. They don’t. I mean, I’m sorry. But listen, it’s like if you’re in a healthy relationship, a healthy one. And if there is a communication issue, you bring it up to your partner, and the partner will more than likely go, Hey, I need to work on that. Let me go either buy some books, or let me go get with a therapist and figure out where this Hiccup is coming from. There’s no fear. And there’s no ego involved. With a narcissist. If you ask them to go get therapy, they come unglued. I don’t like therapists. There are a bunch of frauds, they’re fake. They’re this, I’m not going there’s nothing wrong with me. That was my father’s favorite thing. And I’m just like, Oh, I think a whole town of Gridley can tell you what’s wrong with you, daddy dearest, but okay, you know what I’m saying? I mean, it’s just, they’re crazy. They’re crazy. And they don’t want to go get help, because they know, they know, intrinsically that there is something wrong with them. And they just don’t want the confirmation. Because remember, they think they’re gods. So if somebody comes along and goes, Oh, by the way, you’re not, you know, that kind of blows their whole ego thing.

Kris Godinez  22:33

So, um, so yeah, so we’ve got to get out of that fantasy, if only, not if only… what is. What is, what is, is that they have kept you away from family and friends. They’ve isolated you. They have called you names they have put you down, they have made you give up your job, they have… fill in the blank, you know, what else have they done? Have they killed the pets? Have they harmed one of your kids? Have they you know, what is? What is, not what if, what is and that’s why you write this out. That’s why you keep a list of every rotten thing that they have ever done. That is the real them. Not this beautiful fantasy of future faking. Oh, it’ll be so wonderful, will be great, will be this, will be that, no, that’s not real.

Okay, um, when the desired outcome doesn’t happen, the fantasy of the relationship comes to a crashing halt. And that can take days, weeks, months, years decades. You know, it depends on how much in denial we are. And it depends on the family of origin. You know, like if we had a family of origin that sold us a bill of goods, it’s going to take a little while for us to undo all of that and realize, okay, here’s unhealthy behavior, here’s healthy behavior, which is why getting into therapy is a really good idea if your family of origin was disordered because if your family of origin is disordered, it’s going to make you more susceptible to another disordered person. That’s an abuser that’s going to sell you a bill of goods, you need to be able to discern truth from fantasy. So, it’s really important because how many how many families of origin do this magic thinking stuff a lot? How many abusers do the magic thinking stuff all of them? You know, so it’s really important for us to figure out what is real, what is not real. And unfortunately, what is real is not this beautiful illusion of you know, prince or princess charming. The real them is when the mask slips and the claws come out. That’s the real them.

People who are healthy, have good self-esteem and good boundaries. They are very conscientious about not harming somebody and if we do harm someone, we take steps to make amends and make it right. And we own it, you know, whereas with a narcissist, there is never the word I am sorry in any sentence it’s always I’m sorry but, I’m sorry you, oh, let’s talk about the other lies they do… you, you guns. You did this. You did that … you’re the reason I can’t retire. You’re the reason we have no money. You’re the reason da, da, da, da, da, da, da. If their lips are moving, they’re lying. What they love to do is they love to get into a relationship and then they bankrupt the person they do. Not you, they do. And so that but they flip the script, and suddenly you’re bankrupting them because you went out and bought yourself. I don’t know, new pair tennis shoes or something. You know, they literally crazy, crazy. There is no there, there. So Okay, back to this thing. And then we’ll get to the questions I promise. Um okay.

Okay, experiencing a deep connection with somebody who then pulls a switch, deeply destabilizing. So that’s what they do. They, it’s like everything is great. And then you know, that clock, the abuse clock, so you…. love bombing at noon, and then at about three things start getting a little wonky. And then by six the devalue and discard, the abuse starts happening. And then by about nine, they’re realizing, okay, I pushed this too far, I’m gonna lose this supply. And then the love bombing starts all over again. So yeah, they get us to buy into the future faking. And that’s dangerous. Because how many of us wanted to believe, Oh, it’s gonna be beautiful. We’re going to go on all these great trips, we’re going to have this wonderful life, we’re going to, you know, that kind of thing, and then not so much. Okay, so I’m okay. All right. So anyway, I don’t want to go through the whole article. But I just thought that part about the fantasy, the fantasy bond, and it’s so true, they get us with the fantasy bond, and moving on without closure.

Kris Godinez  26:49

Once people are in a better place, many people come to realize that their connection was a fantasy bond. And that’s really hard. And this is According to psychologist Robert W. Firestone, PhD, author of The fantasy bond, go get it read it. Creating a fantasy of connection in is one of the ways that children cope with their unmet needs. Inner Child workbook, Catherine Taylor. In absence of a secure attachment, Kid imagines that if only mom didn’t have to work so hard, she’d be more patient and less angry. If only Daddy was around more, we wouldn’t feel so lonely or scared. If we had more money, the family would be relaxed, and things would be different. So, it’s the if only, you know, it’s not true. It’s if only it’s a kid way of thinking about it. So, this is why I say work on the inner child workbook by Katherine Taylor, or any inner child workbook, just start working on it.

So, these lies that they tell us to keep us stuck. One: I love you. Number one, they don’t love. They don’t love, look at their behavior. So, when somebody says I love you, damn straight actions and words had better damn well match, period. None of this, I love you, but I’m going to call you names, I love you, but I’m going to cheat on you, I love you. But, you know, and none of the you, you, you, you, you guns, that’s all lies as well. And if they are doing the double affair thing, you know, trying to get you to leave your spouse, you know, Oh, I’m so much better than your spouse, or I’m in such a horrible place. And only you can save me, red flag, red flag on the play 10 yards, you know, it’s like, you know, you don’t want to do that. And, and they tell lies. Once they get you, oh, I’m going to divorce them. Oh, it’ll happen. Oh, you know, well, I can’t do it right now don’t have the money, or wait until the kids are grown. Or, you know, and they do this future faking things. So you’ve got to watch out for all of this stuff.

These are all ways that they keep us stuck. You know, the intermittent positive rewards. That’s another way that they lie to us. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Well, yeah, they do hate us. But it’s not because of us, it’s because of them.  I love you. I love you. I love you. Okay, they don’t, because you don’t hate somebody that you love. You don’t call somebody names that you love. You don’t harm somebody that you love. You don’t sabotage somebody that you love, you don’t cheat on somebody that you love, you don’t do those things to somebody that you love. And if there are issues going on in the relationship, you get that stuff handled. And if it can’t be handled, you end it, then you go out and look for somebody else. Okay? And this is the thing that gets people stuck because it kind of makes the fantasy come crashing down. And the reality of it comes up, it’s like well, no, you need to finish out this relationship over here before you even pursue this relationship over here to see if it’s even real. You know, and, and usually that’s when the whole thing starts falling down. And people have this awakening that’s very painful. Yeah, it’s it’s this is the multiple ways that they lie to keep us stuck.

So actions and words have to match. You know, they just, they do and if somebody is pursuing you and you You’re in a relationship you kind of got to ask yourself, What’s this about? What’s going on? What’s What’s the agenda what’s happening? And it’s really this remember when we’re in a when we’re in a family of origin, we have a tendency to take their word because we’ve been trained that way. No, no, you don’t see the pink elephant taking a doodoo in the corner of the living room, and if you do, I’m gonna punish you for it. So then pretty soon we go Oh, yep, not paying attention to my gut instincts. Nope, I don’t see the pink elephant. Oh, I’m just gonna take them at their word. Dangerous. That’s how we get hooked by these suckers. This is how we get harmed by them. So it’s really it’s, these are the lies they sell the fantasy bond. Is this based in reality, or is this complete fantasy? Nine times out of 10 is complete fantasy. And they need harems to keep their very fragile sense of self going remember, it’s all other esteem for them. It’s not self-esteem. It’s others to tell me how great I am. Show me how great I am. You know, give me that ego boost that I need healthy normal people. Yeah, it’s nice to hear those things, but it’s not needed. It’s kind of like icing on top of the cake. It’s not needed. Okay, enough cake itself enough. You know, icing is nice, but we don’t need it, but they need it.

So anyway, okay, let’s hit the questions. I hope that answered the question about double affairs. Why they need a harem. And the lies that they tell a fantasy the future faking the fantasy bond? Oh, it’s going to be great. Watch out for all that stuff. Write down what is not what if. And that’s what keeps us stuck is because we keep wanting to ignore what is and we keep wanting to go to what if and we can’t do that. And guess who that is running the show that would be the inner child. So inner child workbook by Katherine Taylor or any workbook on the inner child. The disease to please Harry Braiker beyond codependent no more Melanie Beatty or codependent and more also by Melanie Beatty.

Kris Godinez  32:00

And the self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, you’ve got to get your self-esteem where you know who the heck you are. They can’t tell you who they are. And when somebody does a total BS moo, you’re able to go wait a minute, my gut is screaming at me. This is not something’s not right. Because oftentimes, what I see with people coming out of a situation where there has been a double affair, there cognitive dissonance because the abuser has been telling them lies. And then here’s reality, and then it comes all crashing down. And they’re like, but, but, but they told me… Well, yeah, they told you a lot of stuff. And none of it was true. So what is what is not what if what is so those are lies that they tell to keep us stuck.

Alright, let’s go to the questions. Okay, where are we? My ex said I was the narcissist and the abuser now I’m scared of opening up again. How do I work on that? Okay, if you watched the show I did last week, they throw around terms they do. And unfortunately, they come on to channels like this and they get enough information in terms that they then turn around and throw it onto the target of abuse. So very often, I have targets sit on my couch. Well, in the old days when I actually did in person I’m still doing online. Um, thank you. COVID. Um, so they come in and they’re like, Oh, my God, they said they said, the abuser says I’m antisocial. And again, if you want to clear that up, go to the Mayo Clinic look up antisocial. If you’re not setting fires and intentionally breaking laws, you’re not antisocial. Oh my God. They said I was a psychopath. Okay, that is technically not in the DSM five why I have no idea… it is used in legal and clinical terms. Don’t get me started anyway. The point being is if you’re in not, you know, in trouble with the law, setting fires kleptomaniac. You know, liking hurting people. And if you’re terrified of being any of the things that the narcissist said you were then you’re not that okay, let’s just be clear. They throw terms around to try to undermine you. So, this is why I’m saying self-esteem is a must. Self-esteem is a must if we know who we are they cannot manipulate us because they can lie all they want and your guts gonna be going a red flag, red flag danger Will Robinson, danger, you know, and you’re gonna be able to go That’s a load of crap. I’m not, I’m not buying that. Thanks for playing by, you know, you cannot be manipulated. That’s why self-esteem is your best defense against any and all manipulators, liars, abusers, etc. Psychopaths, narcissists. malignant borderlines the whole thing because you know who you are, who you are really, you know what your morals are, you know what your code of ethics are, you know what you like, you know what you dislike. They come in and try to tell us all this stuff. And they try to do cognitive dissonance, they try to basically put a blender in our head and turn it on, you know, chop, or whatever the high setting is, and basically get you confused. That’s their goal. So, if you are working on self-esteem and know who you are rock, solid sun comes up in the east, you will be bulletproof against these people. They won’t even try, they won’t even come sniffing around.

It’s like Susanna and I were talking the other day. And, you know, we both said that it’s like, it’s so funny, because when we were going through the learning about all this stuff, you know, in our own therapies in our own learning thing, you know, yeah, we would get taken advantage of because we hadn’t completed the work, we’d started the work, but we hadn’t completed the work. And then once we completed the work, it was like, oh, yeah, trolls, and narcissists try to come around all the time. Or at least they used to, and you know, and then we’re both just like, Flick, flick, not buying it flick. And pretty soon they stopped because they know we’re not going to buy it. Sorry, go find somebody else go away, you know. And that’s really what it’s all about is making yourself bulletproof. So that you can go live your life and be healthy, happy and whole, know who you are. Have good self-esteem, like yourself, you know, do the mirror work. Hi, good to see you. Have a great day, I give you permission to like yourself, and then walk out. Do that every day. I do that every day. Every time I catch my reflection in a mirror or window. I say something nice to myself. That is part of self-esteem. That is not egotistic. egoism. Narcissism goes tell me I’m great. Other esteem, other esteem other people need to tell me I’m great. Other people need to both bolster me. That’s ego that’s narcissistic. Self-esteem is just you being kind to you and being the parent you always needed that you probably didn’t get. So that’s what you want to work on is self-esteem, the self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi.

So look up the terms if an abuser is calling you names, and you’re afraid of it, and you’re like, Oh my God, I don’t want to be that. Congratulations. You’re not that because narcissists don’t care. They actually think that these terms are something good. Because Oh, I can intimidate people I can frighten people I can, you know, do XY and Z. So they don’t understand that being called a narcissist. Is no bueno. So there is that.

All right. Um, do female narcissists seek out married men on purpose to destroy their marriage and blackmail them? Well, they can. Now that’s something that I did not talk about is the blackmail aspect of it. So, what narcissists will do I started to with the talking about sexual stuff. So, what narcissists will do is they will encourage their partner to do things that they would not otherwise do, whether that is a partner that’s married, or just a plain old, you know, single target or whatever. They’ll tape them having sex, they’ll ask them to do orgies or threesomes or things that they would not normally do. And then they’ll try to blackmail them with it. Yeah, absolutely. But here’s the thing. So that’s a federal offense. It’s called revenge porn. And it’s a federal offense, and it will land them in jail for a very long time. So yeah, it’s yeah, they do. They do. They absolutely do. Because they’re counting on the fear of the partner, spouse finding out so they’ll videotape it or tape it, or I don’t even know what it’s called nowadays, in my day, in my day.

Kris Godinez  38:57

And my day, we have VHS

Kris Godinez  39:02

whatever they’re doing to make, you know, movies, they’re doing that. And so they’ll do that with the hopes that they can then manipulate and control the person that they had the affair with, with the fear of oh my gosh, their spouse finding out so basically, it’s like, I hate to say it, and I tell my clients this all the time, if you want to not be manipulated and controlled, you’re gonna have to tell your spouse that you had an affair. You know, especially if they’re trying to use that as blackmail. And will it blow apart the marriage? Yeah, it could. It absolutely could. There’s a great book called after the affair, and I do not know who wrote it. I’ll have to look it up. Or Johnny, if you could look it up. That would be great. Thanks. It’s called after the affair and it helps both the person who had the affair and the person who had been cheated on kind of understand what’s going on the unmet needs that you know, the things that need to be worked on the communication this or that Some people take the spouse’s back. Some people don’t, you know, and it’s better honestly, truth is always the best way. Because it’s gonna come out at some point. And if somebody is trying to use something against you, I would much rather be like, Okay, here’s the truth. Here’s what happened. Great. Now, what are you going to use? You know what I’m saying? Because they do remember, they’re, they’re evil. They’re antisocial. Truly, you know, because that’s blackmail. That’s extortion. Hello, that’s illegal. You know, and they’re trying to maintain power and control over somebody by doing that. Yeah, in the smear campaign, I’ve seen them also send these videos to family and friends. Oh, look what a look at what a player he is. Or look what a slut she is, or whatever their BS is, you know what I’m saying? And they try to do that for the smear campaign. But then, you know, the question really that needs to be asked is why are you filming this and sending this to people? extortion? Yeah, blackmail? Yeah. Oh, that’s a federal offense. Great. Thanks for giving me the evidence. I needed to get my restraining order on you and send you to jail. Have a nice day. And bye have a nice day. I mean, go pound sand. Yeah, they do that absofreakinglutely. They’re, you know, unethical, immoral, evil.

How are we doing on time? Oh, we’re good. Okay. Um, all right. Is it okay to grieve the fantasy I had of my ex? Yes. Sometimes I feel dumb for crying over it. No, don’t feel dumb for crying over it. I missed what I had with him. Even though he was a monster. Does that make me dumb? No, sweetheart, it does not. So, let’s talk about that. When they love bomb us, okay. They present themselves as everything we ever wanted in a partner. Funny, sexy, intelligent, kind, caring, empathic, everything. They were mirroring us back to us. So really, we kind of fell in love with ourselves. So that’s kind of the good news/Bad news kind of thing. Do we grieve the loss of that illusion? Absolutely. absofreakinglutely. It was real. To us. It was not real in reality, but it was real to us. And it felt real. Which is why their whole selling us a bill of goods is so dangerous because it feels real. It does. It feels real. No, you are not stupid. Dear God, please stop calling yourself names pretty please. Sweet are darling. Do not call yourself names. Every everybody here has ever been fooled by future fakers. Raise your hand and who grieved the loss. Hello? Yeah. In my book. What’s wrong with your dad, I talk about my dad, you know, and if only. If only he had been sane. If only he had been a good dad. I missed the fantasy that I had in my head. Because remember, we talked about this, I said, you know, in my head, I was like, they have to be aliens. Aliens, that, you know, aliens replaced them and that they simply didn’t know, my dad simply didn’t know how to be a human being because he was an alien. And that was the that was how I coped as a little kid pretty imaginative. So, you know, and so that’s how I made it okay, is that he was an alien. And so, when he died, ooh getting emotional about this When he died, I had to go back through and comfort that little three-year-old, six-year-old, eight-year-old, you know, and really talk her through honey. He wasn’t an alien. He was abusive. He was crazy. He was disordered. He was never, ever not on this or any other planet going to be the dad you wanted or needed. So I’m your parent. Now. Let me reparent you. Let me parent you, let me love you. Let me come for you. Let me protect you. And let me help you grieve the loss of the parent you wished you had. And it’s the same thing when we have a romantic partner. We have to grieve the loss of the romantic partner that we wished we had.

Kris Godinez  44:14

It’s heartbreaking it is and it is a grieving process and you’re absolutely not stupid. Every single one of us here on this channel has been there, done that… that’s why we’re all here. So, you’re not stupid sweetie. Don’t ever put yourself down. Don’t ever. What’s the word I’m looking for? Don’t ever allow the abusers voice to come out of your mouth. You know what I’m saying? You’re not stupid. You’re not. Loving is not stupid. Loving is not stupid. It’s just that we unfortunately got trapped by an abuser in an abusive relationship and we fell for it that doesn’t make a stupid and we loved, we loved and they hated us for it. They want us dead. That’s essentially what they want is they want us Dead either emotionally, spiritually, physically, they want us dead, because they will never feel the depth of love and depth of emotion that we feel. They don’t have it. They’re incapable of it. So, it is a grieving process.

So, what I would recommend, is write a goodbye letter. And you’re going to write a goodbye letter to the illusion, but you’re going to have to remember don’t get stuck in Oh, but it was so great. And oh, if only and Oh, but when they did this, oh, but back in the love bombing. Don’t get stuck in that you can talk about it for sure. So, the good that would be the good when they mirrored you back to you, and all of the things that you thought were great about them. But then you need to go to the bad. When did the devalue and discard start? When did the mask start slipping? And then the ugly. When did they start really doing the abuse? What did they say to you? How did they hurt you? And then the unforgiveable, The Good, the Bad, the Ugly, the horrific, or the unforgivable. And you talk about that. And at the very, very end, you tell them good bye. They’re not real, that I wish that’d be great. But you’re not real, a real human being would never have done X, Y, and Z. Ever. How dare you? How dare you sell me this bill of goods? How dare you pretend that you were this person when you were not. So, this is where I cut the cord. This is where I say goodbye, this is it, we’re done. You’re dead to me, you are dead because you never existed. Goodbye. And you’re going to cry, and you’re going to be angry and you’re going to be hurt, and you’re going to be betrayed, and you’re going to be sad, and you’re going to be every single emotion you could possibly think of, then you trot it out to the barbecue, read it out loud once burn it or you can keep it to remind yourself that this was an illusion, this was not real. And you may have to do that several times. This is a grieving process. And the hardest death bunny ears, we will ever grieve is that of a living person that is still walking around, still breathing still harming other people.

Kris Godinez  47:24

That that person that they presented to us never existed was not real. I mean, it existed with us. But it was not real. They presented what they thought we wanted, so that they could hook us and then use us. So, so you’re not stupid, sweetie, every one of us here has been there and done that whether it was with a family of origin, or with a romantic partner, a friend, a boss. We’ve all been there done that you’re in good company. None of us are stupid. You’re not stupid.

So basically, it’s learning to trust our gut. And learning to watch for the signs the warning signs of how they behave. The biggest thing I think that I want to warn people about is the love bombing phase. You know if they’re needing to be with you every waking moment, Houston, there’s a problem. If their love bombing and they love everything that you do, like literally everything that’s a red flag, you know, if they don’t have their own friends, their own life, their own this, their own that that’s also a red flag. Promise me, you will only say good things about yourself. Okay, were we gullible? Yeah, we were. But you know what? I would rather feel and have fallen for something like that, then to never feel at all. Does that make sense? So wiser, sadder, older? Yeah, for sure. You betcha. I dated my share of narcissists when I was younger. So, but you know, once we start working on ourselves, and once we really start loving ourselves, we don’t call ourselves names. And that’s where I want you to get, I want you to get to the point where it’s like, okay, learning experience, not the most fun. But here’s what I learned from it. And no, I’m not a bad person for having this happen. And no, I’m not a bad person for grieving the loss of this illusion. This is what normal healthy people would do. In this situation, we would grieve the loss of that, you know, normal healthy people probably would not get involved with a narcissist. But again, realize it’s a journey. I got involved with narcissists when I was in college and young adult you know a couple of them so you know, it’s a learning process and it’s realizing family of origin what’s going on with that what groomed me to start dating these types and then once you realize okay, I came out of this really abusive relationship. Yeah, I do miss the illusion but boy howdy, that’s not real and what comes with that illusion the cost is too high. You’re worth more than that. So self-esteem workbook Schiraldi, mirror, work, gentle, gentle, gentle. gentle with you. Gentle with you, please. Okay. All right, next question. Dun dun, da How are we doing on time?

Okay, um, how do I oldest of four and my youngest sister heal from the trauma of discovering through DNA testing that our late mother lied to everyone, including her husband about who our fathers were, oh, oooh, so they do that. They lie about adoption. They lie about who parents are, they lie about… if their lips are moving, they’re lying. And it’s because they’re hiding something, you know, either they are trying to make themselves look goody goody two shoes. You know, there’s, I have heard of parents that hid that the kids were adopted until some medical issue came up. And then when the kid was like, Hey, I’ve got this genetic thing. And there’s nobody in the family that has this. And the doctor is telling me, this is impossible, your family has to have this what’s going on? Finally, it came out. And it was just devastating. Because it was like 56 years later, and it’s like, why would you do that to a kid? So um, yeah. Don’t get me started. So yes, they do that. So how do you heal from that? Boy, that’s almost like another topic. But here it is.

Kris Godinez  51:28

What, in the one case of the adoption, what the girl did is she went and found her, her birth family. And some of it was great. And some of it was not great. So, you have to understand that sometimes, when we go looking for the bio dads, or the bio moms or the bio family, it may or may not be good, a lot of cases it is. But in some cases, it’s not, you know, so just be prepared. If that is the choice that you choose to do, I would get with a really good trauma therapist, both you and your sister. And I would start working this stuff through, it’s a betrayal. It’s a betrayal, it’s basically a betrayal that you were not ever told the truth. You know, when a child gets old enough to kind of understand this, it’s important to tell them this, especially if there’s like, health issues that they need to be aware of. Or if there’s, you know, hey, I don’t look like my siblings, what’s going on, you know, kids are not stupid. But narcissists, always act as if kids are stupid. And they’ll do things like talk about the kid in front of the kid expecting the kid to not listen, or to not acknowledge or whatever. So I would get with a good trauma therapist, both you and your sister, I would write and burn right and burn angry letters to Mom, mom, why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell us? Why was this a secret? Why was this you know, and a lot of times, it’s this mistaken thought or this mistaken belief that there’s shame or something involved. If there’s multiple, you know, dads, you know, kind of thing. And oh, we can’t tell them? Well, yeah, you can. It’s not the 1950s anymore, thank God, you know, so it could be shame involved, that might be the reason why they did it. Or it could be the, you know, the bio dads are maybe not people you she wanted you to be involved with, but again, that should be left up to the kid not to the mom. So, um, yeah, I would get with a therapist, and I would start working, I would write and burn, write and burn, write and burn, you know, especially if your mom has passed. And there’s no, you know, ability to go back and ask her WTF, you know, why did you do that? You know, then write and burn and get with a good trauma therapist. That would be my suggestion. Okay. Let’s see.

Um, I was falsely accused of sexual assault three years ago by a person with borderline. She left me alone for three years, but I am still worried about it and have no money for therapy or legal advice. Any advice? Well, okay. Here’s the thing. Abusers will accuse their partners of everything and their dog. unless there was a police report filed, there’s probably nothing that’s going to happen. I would speak to an attorney; I would find one of the low-cost attorneys that you could just talk to. Here in Arizona, there is fresh start women’s resource center.org, I think it is, and they have attorneys that you can talk to for like 15, 20 bucks, they’re all retired. And so they do this as like a volunteer kind of thing. So in your state, find, the State Bar, is there a place where there’s clinics, that you can go ask and find out what you need to do if they’re contacting you again, after three years, they’ve accused you of sexual assault, get a restraining order on them seriously. You know, if they’re contacting you, and you’ve made it clear, you want nothing to do with them and they’re continuing to contact you get a restraining order because honestly then if they go and try to say, Oh, this sexual assault happened three years ago, and there’s a restraining order on them, it’s they’re less likely to automatically assume that they’re the victim. Does that make sense? So yeah, they abusers do that, abusers make all these horrible accusations and they use it as a threat, they use it as blackmail. And they do that with financial stuff. They do that with sexual assault charges. They do that with, you know, I’m gonna tell everybody that you embezzled blah, blah, blah, where’s your proof? You know, I’ve seen that happen as well with clients. It’s like, you know, the abusers saying, Oh, you stole all this, where’s your proof? You know, you can make all the accusations in the world. But if it gets to the point where they are harming your reputation, that’s when you can go after them for defamation of character. So yeah, so I would write down everything that has been said or emailed to you keep every email, keep every text and go find a low-cost legal clinic that you can say, hey, this is what happened. This is what this person is doing. How do I protect myself? You know, and go get some legal advice on that. Okay, let me see if there’s any more questions. Um, I think that’s it. So gentle with yourselves my love’s gentle with yourselves. Please, please, please speak kindly to you speak to you the way you wished a good kind parent would have spoken to you. So love understanding kindness, patience. Gentle, gentle. Alright guys, be good. And thank you to my sponsor better help.com Go be awesome. I’ll talk to you later. Bye!

Kris Godinez  56:27

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Chris godinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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