Kris Godinez 00:02
Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only the views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA or any other therapist for that matter.
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Kris Godinez 01:00
Alright, so, let’s talk about how to stand up for yourself in a bunch of different situations. So first of all, let’s understand why it’s so hard for us to stand up for ourselves. We’ve been groomed, we’ve been groomed, we have been groomed. And when we stood up to our abusers what would happen usually not anything good. So, they would either abuse more, or they would throw us out of the house, or they would, you know, do whatever their punishment BS stuff was. Or they’d flip it on us and use the You, you, you, you, you guns or they would you know, whatever. So, we learned quickly early on that it wasn’t okay to confront and we’ve gotten this really bad connotation to confronting so instead of thinking of confronting as standing up for ourselves and clarifying we think of it as something oh my god horrible, awful and to be avoided. No, no, no, no, no, no no. Confrontation for us is a good thing. Clarifying for us is a good thing because we are standing up for our boundaries and we are standing up for ourselves. So, the tools you’re going to need to do that are as follows. Glenn Schiraldi The Self Esteem Workbook. I am not just whistling a tune when I say that I mean it you guys go get it and start working it! Why? Because in that workbook, he has a section on what is your value what is your worth? Do you understand you have value and you have worth and you are worth fighting for, for yourself. So that’s why I like that workbook. So Glen Schiraldi The Self Esteem Workbook, the next thing, the Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker, why people pleasing. So, when we are a people pleaser, we hate or are afraid of clarification confrontation, because we don’t want to disappoint the other person. But what ends up happening is people who are not looking out for our best interest will mow right over us. And I want to talk about that. Because twice now this year, I’ve had two friends have doctors that did the wrong thing or misdiagnosed and they just believed them because people pleasers God bless them. And you know that Oh, well. They’re the expert. No, guys, no, this goes for me. This goes for doctors, this goes for anybody, listen, but verify. Seriously, listen, but verify. So I’m fine with people going, Oh, well, you know, I’m going to challenge this, I’m going to talk. That’s great. But if they start quoting people that are not scholarly articles, I’m going to say go get a scholarly article, and then let’s talk. So, but seriously, so I had one friend that was misdiagnosed with colon cancer ended up dying because they misdiagnosed it. And she just went along because she did you know, oh, they’re the experts. And I’m like, No. And then I had another friend recently who had a therapy given to them, medicine, whatever, and it really messed with them. And he kind of had that warning kind of going. I don’t know about this. I shouldn’t you know, maybe I should double check. And he didn’t do it because he just believed the doctors. So basically, what it is listen, but verify and listen to your gut and you’re not going to be able to hear your gut if you haven’t worked on self esteem that rock solid self esteem and boundaries. The other thing you’re going to need in no uncertain terms is your list of deal breakers. You absolutely need your list of deal breakers and people go and we talked about this this last week, you know that? Oh, well. The list of deal breakers is gonna be different for friends than it is for lovers than it is for boss. No, it’s all the same. I don’t care who they are. If they disrespect you, if they roll their eyes at you That goes for doctors. Oh, yeah, we’re gonna talk about that. If they are making your work life miserable, if you’re getting up in the morning and throwing up because you don’t want to go into work, because you’re stressed out a little person, because they’re driving you crazy. Yeah, those are all deal breakers. Those are all deal breakers. So, disrespect, name calling, anxiety inducing people, drama, you know this, these are all deal breakers. And the other thing you’re going to have to get used to is the word no. And you’re going to have to tolerate other people’s being disappointed or trying to use fear, obligation and guilt to get you to do what they want you to do.
Kris Godinez 05:47
So, standing up for yourself really honest to God is working on your self-esteem, working on your boundaries and having your list of deal breakers and being okay with the word no, and okay with somebody not liking you. And that’s hard for us as survivors of abuse, because our survival had always depended on, you know, if not the abuser liking us, at the very least not abusing us, right? So, we would, you know, bend ourselves over backwards trying to make them happy, right? So, in your mirror work, in your mirror work, you are going to get used to saying the word no, hi, good to see you have a great day, I give you permission to have boundaries, I give you permission to say no, and mean it. And then you just keep working on that, you keep working on that, because that’s a really scary thing to put into practice. But you’ve got to start doing it. Because otherwise, you’re gonna find abusers everywhere. So, remember how I talked about you know, the the statistics say, oh, it’s only 9% of the population. I’m like, BS! Moo! You know, it is closer to probably 30 to 40%. Because they don’t go get diagnosed. They just don’t they don’t go get help. So, you’ve got a greater number of abusers, narcissists, out there than is in the scholarly work. So, and it’s like I said, because they don’t go get help, does not get diagnosed, does not get put into these statistics. So, and honestly, it’s like personal observation. How many completely disrespectful, nasty, mean, narcissistic people are in positions of power. A whole lot. I’ve seen a whole lot. So okay, so what you’re going to want to do you want to give yourself permission to say no, you need to understand your value your worth, you are worthy. And it’s okay. Give yourself permission to second guess an authority figure seriously, doctors are the worst with this. And I, there’s so many, so much to talk about. So, I wanted to hit, So basically, in order to be able to stand up for yourself, you have got to understand you are worthy. You have got to understand that you have value and that your words matter that you need to be heard that this is this is something that doctors do that just pisses me right the bleep off. They don’t want to listen, the narcissistic ones. They don’t want to listen, they don’t want to hear they don’t want to, you know, and you’re dealing with somebody’s life. So, if you’re giving them a wrong medication that’s going to mess them up. Like what happened with my one friend, or you’re giving a misdiagnosis? Yeah, you better listen. So okay, your voice is valuable. And that is something to remind yourself of when you’re doing your daily affirmations. I have the right to be heard and believed. And I think that’s the component that messes us up. Because how many times did we ask for help? I don’t know about you. But I asked for help loudly, multiple times, and nobody would do anything. Because they didn’t want to get involved. You know, didn’t want to have to do the paperwork, didn’t want to soil their hands, didn’t want to piss off my dad, you know, whatever. So, we very quickly learned that nobody’s gonna hear us and nobody’s gonna believe us. Here’s the thing. That is, that’s the inner child. So, we got to get the inner child up to speed that they are heard. They are believed and it is okay for them to ask for what they need. That’s why I keep saying work on the inner child work on the self-esteem, work on understanding your value and your worth. Because if you don’t, it’s going to be extremely hard for you to stand up for yourself because you’re not going to believe it. You’re going to be like timid or frightened or scared or, or apologetic. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. When you’re dealing with somebody who is clearly in the wrong and they’re in a position of power, you’re, you’re not going to apologize, don’t apologize, especially if they’re wrong. Especially if it’s a doctor, especially if it’s a therapist, especially if it’s anybody in a position of power. Now, I think the hardest one, because somebody asked me specifically, what do you do with a narcissistic boss? So, hang on, let me find that. Okay. This is from Inc, by Lolly Daskal.
Kris Godinez 10:27
And this is how she suggested dealing with a narcissistic boss. Here are the 10 power moves that will help you deal and keep you from feeding the narcissistic behavior. Understand the source to cope with your narcissistic boss, you have to understand what’s going on, the odds are very high, they are never going to change and they are never going to be easy to work with the description that’s been going around under names like the narcissist prayer sums it up. Well, that didn’t happen. If it did happen. It wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, it’s not my fault. And if I was and if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. Basically, what she’s trying to say is you got to really decide if you want to stay in that situation or not. And the good news bad news is, is that I read an article today and it was on CNN about how companies are less likely to fire people now because people are less likely to put up with BS and I think that’s great. So, but and, you know, if you’re in a job and you need that income and you don’t have a second job set up, then you kind of are at a power differential with that boss. And narcissists know it narcissists thrive on power differentials, narcissists thrive on making you feel less than so you have to decide whether this is something you can tough out until you get another job. Or conversely, if you’re waking up at two o’clock in the morning throwing up because you can’t stand the idea of going to work for the love of God and all that’s holy quit find a different job. This is this is detrimental to your mental health. These types of bully bosses are terrible, and they cause mental and physical damage they do! They make unreasonable requests on your time. You know, I had this one boss that was insisting that we work on weekends, and that we would answer the phone at two o’clock in the morning when he was dead drunk because he wanted to, you know, show us his greatest musical composition. And he hadn’t had a hit years and I’m just like, No, unplug the phone didn’t answer it pissed him off, but uh, well, and then I got out as soon as I could. So um, okay, hold on, back to this one. Respond, don’t react. The worst thing you can do with a narcissistic boss is to shine a spotlight on their bad behavior. They thrive on any kind of attention negative or positive. So, if you’re broadcasting that, you know, they’re this horrible Boss, this and the other thing you are basically giving them carte blanche to start abusing you even worse. What you want to do, though, is to find out what is the corporate culture. So, remember, corporations are only as healthy as the people at the top because doodoo rolls downhill. So, if you’ve got a bunch of narcissists, up here, pretty much they’re stocking the rest of the positions of power with other narcissists. So, if that’s the case, and this is, this goes for, like major corporations, this goes for Mom and Pop corporations. So, if you’re in a situation where it’s like, there’s no allies, there’s no one you can turn to, to be like, “This is crazy. You know, this is unhealthy. This is this is illegal.” This is because trust me, narcissists will push illegal thing. So, when I was working for an agency, at one point, they got taken over by a corporation, and they decided that everyone needed to change their diagnosis. So, they got more money, that’s insurance fraud. I’m not changing the diagnosis. So, when push came to shove, and the boss had their minion, call me and demand that I change it. I said, “Funny. I put in a call to the ACA and talk to their lawyers. And they said, No, don’t you dare. So if you would like to have the ACA, crawl up your hind in fine, try to make me change my stuff.” And at that point, I knew the time was ticking, and I had to get out of there. So, do you see where I’m going with that? So, they’ll ask you to do illegal things. They’ll ask you to do immoral things. They’ll ask you to do unethical things they’ll ask you to do you know, they’ll ask you to stay at work, you know, 16/17 hours. It’s ridiculous. No, you don’t have to. So that’s when you have to decide is it worth my mental health to stay here or not? And some people Yeah, they say yeah, it is because I need the job. Other people are like no, so if you’re gonna stay, these are the things to help you kind of deal with it. React, don’t react, respond, the worst thing you can do is shine a spotlight we talked about that. Instead learn to respond in an effective way that keeps you in control of options and choices. If you feel yourself reacting, ie getting emotional, step away and regain back your control. Remember, narcissists Poke, poke, poke, poke, and they want you to blow up, they want you to melt into 1000 tears, they want you to come unglued, so they can point the finger and go see, they’re just too sensitive. They’re just oh buh, buh, buh, buh you know that whole thing. You’re basically never going to win with a narcissistic boss is what I’m trying to say. And if you are going to stay in that environment, you are going to have to gray rock like a Zen master seriously, like no matter what they say, no matter what they do, you are no emotion, no emotion because if you get emotional, they’ve got you
Kris Godinez 16:01
don’t Okay, set clear boundaries, set a firm boundary whenever you need one and stick to it. Remember, boundaries aren’t meant to control others. They’re a guideline for you to know what is and isn’t acceptable. Boundaries are part of self-care. They’re healthy, they’re normal, and they’re often necessary. So, for example, when my boss wanted me to change the diagnoses, I stood my ground and said no. And I also let them know that I would have the ACA all over them if that happened. So, in that’s the problem, oftentimes, you have to have something to be able to whack them with to make them back off. Not always. But in that case, I did because they were firing therapists left, right and center because they were getting rid of all the therapist and allowing peer supports who are not trained in psychology to lead groups, and they were wanting to get more and more money. So, they were wanting to you know, basically be unethical. So, but in that case, you know, that’s how I stood up to them. It was like I did my due diligence, I checked with the ACA, I spoke to an attorney, I you know, and they knew I wouldn’t put up with it. So that’s why they backed off seriously. narcissists go for people they think they can bully easily. That goes for friendships, bosses, co workers, you know, the whole thing, they go for people, they
Kris Godinez 17:24
think they can bully easily. So, what I talk about in the book that I’m going to have published in January is I had a professor that thought I was an easy target. And so he was bullying me like crazy, until I went over his head, went to the dean and I basically said, You need to tell this person to back off, because I’m not going to put up with it. I know the law. And I’m not going to play and I’m happy to hire an attorney. So, what are you going to do? and he backed off because they didn’t want to get sued. So again, it’s sometimes you have to have a stick to whack them with that, that’ll make them back off. You’re not always gonna have that as a worker. Not always now, in my case, I was lucky. I had the ACA and I had attorneys at the ACA that I had spoken to so you know what I’m going with that? So um, yeah, okay, setting clear boundaries now they’re gonna blow over those clear boundaries. But so um just like with the boss I had back in LA that was calling us at two o’clock in the morning. I basically unplugged the phone and when he complained, I said, I am under no obligation to answer your drunk phone calls at two o’clock in the morning. It’s kind of a legal thing with California there, dude. Again, you cannot allow bullies to bully now what is it inside of me that allowed me to do that because I still was working on stuff at that time. I think it’s the fight flight freeze or fawn. My response is almost always fight. It’s like really, you bring it, bring it! Let’s see how that ends for you. It’s not gonna end well, let me let me tell you that! So you know, it’s, it’s that nature nurture that whole thing. Now, however, medically I have been known to just cower and given to a doctor and then regret it later on. So, this is why I want to talk about all this stuff. So again, once I started working on my self-esteem, though, that has not happened. So, hold on, let’s get back to the boss thing. Don’t allow them to get under your skin. narcissists thrive on getting a rise out of someone, especially someone they feel they have power over, they will go shame you, call you out in in big meetings, embarrass you and humiliate you, but you don’t have to allow any of that to get under your skin. Use emotional intelligence to manage your thoughts and actions and remember that any cruel behavior and words reflect badly on the narcissist not on you. It does it and it feels intensely personal when they do that. So, like you’re in a big meeting and they zero in on you. You give them nothing, no shame, just look at them. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. And again, I would suggest that your time there is probably limited I would, I would leave, I wouldn’t put up with it. Don’t feed the beast. Narcissistic bosses need constant Flying Monkeys they need to be admired. They need to be told how great they are this that the other thing, it’s good to understand that the bad behavior comes from insecurity and the more normal the narcissistic boss acts out, the more insecure they are. But it’s Remember, it’s important to remember that the more you feed the bad behavior, the worse it will become. narcissists surround themselves with only two types of people, those who enable them, and those who bite their tongue, seriously. Anyone who doesn’t fit into these two categories will certainly be fired or banished. Or if the narcissist has their way manipulated into thinking it was their fault. That’s why I’m saying if you’ve got a narcissistic boss, the best thing to do gray rock start looking for a new job seriously. But while you’re there having to deal with these Jack wagons. You put up boundaries. No. And I mean it no is a complete sentence. No, I am not going to explain No. Do you see where I’m going with that, and they won’t like it, they won’t. And they’ll probably make your last few weeks there as miserable as possible, but they’re gonna make your weeks they’re miserable anyway. So, you might as well you know, do what you can to draw boundaries and protect yourself. Don’t empower those that don’t deserve it.
Kris Godinez 21:33
We know that your narcissistic boss holds some degree of power by virtue of their position. But we also know that there’s no leaders without followers refuse to follow those you don’t admire who those you don’t trust and those who just lie, you do your job to the best of your ability with respect, honor and integrity. When you do, you’ll be known as one of the sane ones, maybe even the only sane one, which is when you need to get out because it’s just too much stress. Fact check everything! Narcissistic bosses will lie to you, they will send you down the wrong path, they will tell you to do something one way and then you do it that way and then they come back and scream at you. I never said that gaslighting, you know lying, etc, etc, etc. If that’s happening, get out, get out, get out, you know, you’ve already stated your boundaries. They’re never going to accept that they gaslit gas lit gas lighted gas, you know what I’m saying? They’re never going to admit that they said the wrong thing to you. So, to try to sit there and try to get other people to see your point of view is just going to end up damaging you. You hold on your morals, you hold on your integrity, you hold on to your boundaries, you start looking for another job, you get the bleep out. Absolutely. Okay, hang on. Don’t argue with them. That’s what they want. They want a scene they live off of that narcissistic supply. They want your tears, your tears are delicious to them. They enjoy that, they want your anger, your anger is delicious to them. That’s their narcissistic supply. Don’t give it to them. Stay calm, stay cool gray rock facts and figures and document everything. Don’t be provoked. They love to blame other people and they want to blame whoever they can don’t allow yourself to be provoked or manipulated. Stay focused on what’s important. Working with a narcissistic boss means a constant pool to play by their rules and for everything to revolve around them. With no accountability or responsibility when things go wrong. It’s easy to feel angry and frustrated. That’s when you have to take a step back and reconnect with your purpose in being there. It’s never going to be easy working with a narcissist, often the wisest thing to do is to walk away. But when that’s not possible, remember, you’re at least gaining valuable experience in dealing with one of the most difficult personalities you’re ever likely to encounter. I would say leave I would say just get the heck out. Okay, so that’s dealing with a narcissistic boss. And there’s a difference because there’s a power differential. Now, let’s say you go into your doctor’s office and they roll their eyes at you or they fluff you off, you know, you know or they don’t explain something or they prescribe something that you know is not good for you. Some people are allergic to antibiotics, certain antibiotics and you know or addicts you know they tell the doctor I’m an addict do not give me anything that is addictive and what do they do? They prescribed for Percosett, you know, so you want to trust your own gut and it’s difficult to trust your own gut if you haven’t realized your own worth which is why I’m saying self-esteem workbook Glenn Shiraldi. The Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker, mirror work Hi,
Kris Godinez 24:49
good to see you have a great day. I trust my gut. I have a voice and I want it to be heard. I know my own body Do you see where I’m going with that. So, when you’re working with, okay, how to stand up for yourself at a doctor’s office, this is the next one. You can’t get an important appointment with the specialist you need. Unfortunately, Doctor shortages in some areas can cause long wait times for appointments. If you have a good relationship with your family physician or referring physician, ask for that doctor’s office help. This is especially important if your medical situation is time sensitive, such as seeing a neurologist following a stroke, or an oncologist after a diagnosis of fast-moving cancer. That is not something you want to be waiting around for them to twiddle their thumbs and pull it out of their hind in before they give you a referral. So, if you’ve got a, you know, a big medical issue going on you stroke it’s kind of big Hello, you know, cancer kind of big hello. You know, don’t allow them to dwaddle, dwaddle, dwaddle you know, don’t allow them to just, you know, I’m not gonna take care of it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And don’t be afraid to ask for a second opinion. So many times, we just hand over our power, because oh, well, they’re the doctor and I used to do that I did. I don’t do that anymore. So oh, they’re the doctor. They know better? Well, no, apparently they don’t, because they killed one of my friends. And the other one had a bad reaction to a medication. So, they don’t know everything. Listen, but verify. And if you don’t trust the doctor, like if something just feels off, you ever met a doctor where you’re just kind of like, this feels off? Something’s wrong. Something’s not right. Go get a second opinion. It’s perfectly okay. It is, you know, you need to trust your gut and your body. Okay, let’s see, um, okay, your doctor isn’t taking your complaints about side effects or symptoms seriously. Some doctors take the approach that bodies are predictable, and symptoms are ordered and unfold in a unfold in a uniform way. No, they don’t. Symptoms can be unpredictable. And bodies can be disorderly and unstable. So, if you’re dealing with a doctor, that dismisses your concerns, you can try talking to them, you can say I don’t understand why you’re not listening to my concerns. This is what my body is doing. I need you to hear me. Point blank. And if they don’t, that’s when you fire them seriously, that’s when you go, I’m getting a second opinion. And you go to a different doctor, I know it’s a pain in the hind in because yeah, you’re right. waitlists are really long. It’s hard to get into a primary care, you know, etc, etc, etc. But your life and your health is worth it. If they’re not listening to you, I wouldn’t trust them with anything else. If they’re not, if they’re not listening to you with side effects? What makes you think they’re gonna listen to you with something serious that’s going on? I mean, a side effect is serious, but you know what I’m saying? It’s like, if they’re doing that, get a different doctor, get a different doctor. Okay, hang on, um, you feel pressured into a treatment you don’t want. So, this is what happened to my friend, and he just kind of, oh, well, he’s the doctor, he knows more, you know. And what he needed to say was, I need to understand more about why this is being prescribed, what the side effects are, you know, my gut is telling me this. And of course, the doctor was just, you know, rushing him in and out, trying to get to the next. Next client, basically, have I gone over again, I have Darn it. Um, so here’s the other thing. So, when you are standing up to these people, calm, non emotional. So, remember, when you’re dealing with a narcissist, whether it’s a doctor, a lawyer, a judge, a boss, a friend, a lover, a family member, they do not want well, they want your emotion, they want you to be angry and upset or sad and scared and crying and whatever. You don’t want to give that to them. You want to stick to facts and figures. Now if this is somebody you’re not related to like a doctor or lawyer or judge or whatever, you know, you have the right to be like, yeah, no, here’s the facts. Here’s the figures and you need to hear me and then you can fire them now judges obviously you can’t fire but attorneys you can. So um, and it goes for therapists so you’re going to find Oh my good God, you would not believe the number of frickin narcissists there are in my profession. I just I
Kris Godinez 29:31
I’d like to go through with a cattle prod and just be like, Get out of my profession, get out of my profession. You know, they’re just, I don’t like them. So, if you find yourself with a therapist that you’re not jiving with, or if they say something like trying to victim blame you for the abuse, which I hear all the time, you know, fire them and it doesn’t have to be in person. You can send them an email saying thank you so much. Please cancel my appointments. This is just not working out and leave it at that and you owe them zero goose egg explanation. You don’t owe them anything, they are providing a service for you. And if they are not giving you the service you need you fire them seriously. So, a good therapist does not take a client not gelling with you personally, it happens all the time. I am not for everyone. I am very blunt. I do not sugarcoat things, I am more like a problem solve, problem solve type of therapist. Some people don’t want that. Some people want sugar coated, you know, ease into it. And I’m like, No, I might as well rip the band aid off, you know. So when somebody says, No, this is just not working out, I go, Okay, thank you for letting me know, I’ll cancel those appointments. I am here, if you ever do need me. And that’s it. What I have heard from clients what disordered therapists do is that they’ll like argue with the client and try to get them to stay and I suspect it’s money motivated. You know, instead of listening to the client and going okay, it’s just not working great. Let me give you some referrals. And you know, I’m here if you ever need me, you leave it at that, you know, but disordered therapists will try to manipulate control gaslight. Oh, you know, you’re not really doing this is just part of your issue. What? No, oh, please, oh, please go pound sand. You know what I’m saying? So yeah, so you have the right to fire your doctor, you have the right to fire your therapist, you have the right to fire your attorney, oh, my God, you. There are narcissists in the medical profession, there are narcissists in the legal profession, you’re going to find narcissists in almost every profession, unfortunately. So, you have the right to fire them. And like I said, it’s a little more dicey when you’ve got a job situation because of the power differential. But eventually, you’re going to have to decide for yourself whether you want to stay in that dysfunctional craziness or whether you’re ready to be like peace out. I am not doing this anymore. So. Okay, I’ve gone way over. Let’s get to the questions. I hope. So basically, let me let me recap here. So, in order to stand up for yourself, you have to have clear boundaries, you have to have a clear sense that you are worthy, that your voice is important that you need to be heard and it’s okay to ask for what you want. So that means the self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi, specifically, he’s got a chapter in there on your value and your worth. Do you understand that you have value and worth? Do you understand that your voice is powerful? Do you understand you have the right to ask for your guts, you know, opinion, it’s like do you understand that you trusting your gut is a good thing? And that you know your body more than anybody else? Do you understand that you have power? That you have the right to say no. That’s why the self-esteem workbook by Glenn Schiraldi is so important and then working on the people pleasing stuff so that you don’t get caught up in Oh, well, I don’t want to hurt their feelings. And I don’t want to I don’t no, it doesn’t matter what the doctor’s feelings are, it doesn’t matter what my feelings are, it matters what your feelings are. If it’s not working out, it’s not working out. That’s okay. So again, learning that you have the right to say no, and it doesn’t matter what emotional response that person has, they’re going to or not, if they’re a narcissist, they won’t but won’t be emotional, be angry. Anger is an emotion but it’s their favorite emotion. So anyway, the point being is, is that boundaries are important. Not people pleasing is hugely important. Having your list of deal breakers is hugely important. Not having somebody roll their eyes at you. Oh, that pisses me off that just you want to piss me off. That’s the first thing I say a concern. You roll your eyes. Oh, game on BEEYOTCH. Here we go. You know, and I’ll call them out. Oh, really? You’re gonna roll your eyes. Really? How professional is that? I don’t have a problem with that. So, and learning to think of confrontation as clarification protection. It is for your protection to second guess the doctor if your gut is screaming at you.
Kris Godinez 34:15
Trust me, I wish I wish Terry had been able to stand up and say no, something’s really wrong because she’d probably still be with us today. So, you’ve got to be able to say no, you’ve got to be able to say my gut is screaming at me. You need to hear me, you know, that kind of thing. So anyway, there that is okay. Now let’s get to the questions. All right. Okay, question my abusive narcissistic father is guilting me to nurse him as everyone else won’t help. He won’t get professional help and I have no power of attorney. Also, I’m almost at no contact. You don’t have to fall for the guilt trip guys. You don’t anybody who’s using fear, obligation and guilt and using all three. That’s the emotional Fog, you are under no obligation to care for this person you aren’t, you know, what you can do is hook them up with a social worker, seriously, hook him up with a social worker and get him into the services that he needs. Because that’s probably what’s going to end up happening. So, no power of attorney, there’s nothing you can do because you would need a power of attorney to do everything. But what you can do is you can call Adult Protective Services, Adult Protective Services, who come up with a social worker and let the social worker figure out the care situation for him. Absolutely. Now to deal with the guilt. You’re going to write the guilt a goodbye letter, dear guilt, go pound sand, I don’t need to feel guilty. I have almost no contact with this person. This is another game. This is another manipulation. I’ve gotten him to the appropriate care in that I’ve gotten him to a social worker who’s going to find him the services he needs. I am done. I wash my hands. I am taking my power back Have a nice life guilt. Go pound sand buh bye and then trot it out to the barbecue. Read it out loud once burn it, let it go. So yeah, you are under no obligation to care for him. Um, I would contact Adult Protective Services and set up care that way. Question. We went no contact within laws, who showed up after four years to inform us our niece was on life support. She passed away and was only 19 Oh, I’m so sorry. Advice for grieving a loss like this. Oh, grief sucks. It sucks. So, write and burn. Write and burn, write and burn, write and burn. That’s the best way to deal with it. Grief is a bitch. It just is. Because you go through all the emotions, anger, sadness, acceptance, numbness, you know, guilt, sadness, fear, you know, the whole thing. It’s a plethora of emotions, and it comes in waves. And it sucks. That’s, that’s the best way I can put it is that guilt truly sucks. So in dealing with the loss of a niece, who was only 19 You write and burn, write and burn her letters, you know, do a celebration of the life, you know, what did she like? What Foods did she like? What did she like to do? You know, write about that, write about the memories that you had of her and write and burn, write and burn, write and burn, write and burn until you get it out. So, in grieving, let me just remind everybody lasts a minimum of a year, okay, because you have to get through all the firsts. You know, all of the first holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, whatever, until you get to the anniversary of the death. And now you’re on to the second year of grieving where you’re moving them into a different space in your head kind of thing. And it’s a little less intense. It’s still intense, but it’s a little less intense. And it’s a little different, intense grieving, complicated grieving, where there’s been abuse or neglect or whatever, that can go on words of three years. So, give yourself time, give yourself space and give yourself permission. And that’s the biggest thing is this country is so uncomfortable with tears. So uncomfortable with grieving. I literally had clients be told to get over it when their child died a week later. If I could give a middle finger right now, I would so just in your mind, I’m flipping that person off. Yeah. So um, yeah, that that boss, a boss, not surprising, told them to get over it in a week. So that’s a sign of a narcissistic society that cannot handle grieving. So, what you want to do is write it out. Allow and give yourself permission. And remember the good times write those out, you can keep those or if you need to burn it, burn it. So do something to honor that niece donate, you know, to a cause and that niece’s name you know, you can do things like that. Absolutely. All right. Um
Kris Godinez 39:10
The other thing of it is too I want to mention is that in laws that you’ve been no contact with showed up after four years okay? So, something to be aware of is they’re going to use that as the excuse to stay in contact with you. So, if you went no contact with them and your life was better go back to no contact now that they’ve informed you of the nice so yeah, so just be aware narcissists use the I’m dying or somebody else’s dying Hoover, they also use the health Hoover, like the first one, you have to take care of me. Um, they’ll use any excuse they can to try to get back in contact. So, if you were happier being no contact and it was good, then go right back to no contact because they’ll try to use this death as an excuse to continue contact with you just to be aware um okay, how do I defend myself against a histrionic personality type? I’ve taken the first few initial steps with traditional blocking, but I’m still worried. Well, okay, so histrionic is drama, King, drama, queen, drama, drama, drama, drama drama. So, blocking should do it. Um, if they are more psychotic, they’ll do the stalking kind of thing. So basically, you have to understand personality disordered people.
Kris Godinez 40:38
The further down the line they get. So, there’s there’s traits of down here, there’s full blown down here, the further down the line they get, the more all of the other personality disorders kind of start over lapping, which is why you get like the dark triad, which is psychopathy, narcissism, Machiavellianism. And then you throw in borderline histrionic avoidance, OCD. They’ll have traits of all of them, once they get further down the line. The ones who stalk tend to be psychotic, they tend to be psychopaths, they do a antisocial personality disorder, because they tend to think that the rules do not apply to them. Like seriously, like, they think it’s perfectly okay to follow somebody around the parking lot of a grocery store and scream at them and threaten them thinking that nobody is going to do anything, and nobody’s going to call the cops. Oh, yeah, I’ve seen that happen. So, you know, it’s, it’s, and of course, they have a previous conviction for a felony assault, too, it’s like, and they think there’s going to be no repercussions from that. So, remember, abusers thrive on intimidation, they want to intimidate, they want to make you fearful, they want to live rent-free right up here, don’t go do that, don’t do that you’ve blocked them stop worrying, stop contact with them. Don’t allow flying monkeys, right. So, if somebody contacts you and says, oh, so and so wants me to get in touch with you or so and so said such and such, you cut ‘em off cold and go, I don’t want to hear it, I’m not interested, go away, or I’m gonna block you to, you know, the only time that you would need to up things is if they are stalking you, harassing you. So, like they’re calling from different phone numbers they’re calling from, or they’re emailing you or they’re calling from friend’s phones, or they’re stalking you on social media, posting inappropriate things, stalking you in a public place, that kind of thing, then you’re going to probably want to file an order of protection, and you will need documentation. So, it used to be they handed out orders of protection, like candy on Halloween. Now, they don’t do that. So, you need to have documentation, you need to have screenshots, you need to have proof that this person has over a period of time, continue to harass and stalk, so there you go. So right now, though, you’ve blocked them, don’t worry about it seriously, it’s like they’re gonna do whatever they’re gonna do, they’re gonna smear they’re gonna, whatever, you can’t control them, but you just don’t play their game unless they start, you know, unless they start really stalking, then you get an order of protection file a police report, if somebody stops you in a public place, and they’re screaming and yelling at you, you call the police, you file a police report. And that will be used again to get that order of protection. Absolutely. Okay, I’m how to reduce PTSD on my own. I am listening to Pete Walker’s from surviving to thriving, but I’d like to do more something I can do on a daily basis. Okay, so you can do meditation, you can do positive affirmations, you can be working on the self esteem because remember, this is all interconnected. Trust me, it’s not like self esteem and PTSD are two separate things. They’re all helped by self esteem. Self esteem really, truly is the key. You love yourself, you take care of yourself, you take care of yourself, you address your PTSD symptoms, and you don’t allow anyone to abuse you again. So, I would suggest meditation, I would suggest working on self esteem or working on boundaries. Writing, journaling, I love writing and journaling or singing or, you know, whatever creative thing you have to help you deal with the PTSD. Absolutely. So, um, yeah, there it is. Alright, let’s see, where are we? Okay. Um, all right. And mirror work. So remember, mirror work is hugely important because you’re, you’re reprogramming your brain. You’re telling the brain, okay, this happened. Okay. And and now I have permission to deal with it. Hi, good to see you. Have a great day. It’s okay to talk to your inner children. You know, or Hey, good to see you. Have a great day. It’s okay to say no. No or Hey, great to see you have a great day. Yeah, you’re gonna have flashbacks, you know what you’re okay. You know, is this true? When we have PTSD We have emotional flashbacks, we have physical flashbacks we have, you know, and so you just allow yourself to allow and be gentle with you that is the big and you do meditation and you write and you journal and you do all of that. So, there it is. Okay, um, how to stop feeling scared of an angry narc when we stop fawning? Well, you’re always going to have that danger response
Kris Godinez 45:35
you are because they’re dangerous. Let’s face it, you know, so angry narcs. Remember, they try to control through intimidation, that’s what they want. They want you scared. They want that fight flight freeze or fawn. And when you stop fawning, yeah, it’s going to piss them off. So basically, as soon as you can get away from them, get away from them. Because they’re not going to change. They don’t they get worse with age, they get nastier, they get vicious, they get crazy. I was just reading this article today on a website, that was a sting website for people who were looking to hire somebody to kill somebody. And the only people that would hire somebody to kill somebody would be sat with me, dark triads, you know, so, and it was just amazing how they wanted to hurt, harm, kill, you know, etc. And thank God, as soon as they filled out the form, it got sent to a police department, they got arrested. So, um, but they want you to be afraid they do. That’s why they use the anger. That’s why they use anger, they do they use the anger, because they want you to fawn and you’re not fawning, you’ve stopped doing that. So that pisses them off. So, they’re going to punish you, they’re going to scream and yell and make you do what they want. And what they’re realizing is, is that they have no power over you. So, the best thing to do is when, that’s why they’re screaming and yelling, because it’s like it’s not, you know, the other stuff isn’t working. So, we’re going to try this intimidation thing. So, what you do is you just get calm, you just get calm, and you get out as soon as you possibly can, and you get away from them and you go no contact. So, when I was working at the homeless shelter, I had, you know, numerous alcoholic drug addicts, whatever, who would get angry as all hell that I told them that the only way to get clean and sober was to stop using, kind of logical you would think, and one of them got right up in my face and was literally spitting in my face as they were talking and I just looked at them. My heart however was you know, pounding, pounding, pounding, pounding, pounding, pounding, pounding, pounding, pounding, and I was waiting for him to like do something physical because I was gonna take him out. That was the case. But um, yeah, and what I did is grey rocked. And I just basically told him that that was absolutely inappropriate, and he will be removed from this group and not come back. And of course, he didn’t want that because that was part of his conditional release from prison. So yeah, so but you stay calm with them. If you gray rock them and give them nothing, they will implode they will because he finally spent himself you know, slamming stuff and ran out of the office because he wasn’t getting the, the, the response he was looking for. He was looking for me to fight him. So, you kind of, somebody said this so well the other day it’s like Kenny Rogers you kind of know when to hold them, know when to fold them. You know, so you got to know when to do the fight response when to gray rock you know, and basically the always the right choice is gray rocking, don’t give them anything. Will that piss them off. Yeah. Are they going to implode? Yeah, and if they lay a hand on them on you, you call the police. You call the police you call the police you file an assault charge? Absolutely. So don’t be afraid of them. That’s what they want. They want you to be afraid they want you to be terrified. They want you to go back to fawning so the best thing to do is to get away from them go no contact. Okay. I want to have clear boundaries between my emotions and others’ emotions. However, I seem to absorb other feelings states especially the negative ones. How do I stop being a sponge? The Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker codependent no more by Melanie Beatty. Absolutely. Also journaling writing, okay, what is truly your emotion. So, for example, in a dysfunctional family, when somebody is very attuned to the abuser, you’ll walk in and you’ll know immediately that they have that attitude, right? And suddenly, you’ll take on that anger or you’ll take on that sadness or you’ll take on whatever it is, because you’re mirroring them. You’re mirroring them. So, what you want to do is you want to check in with your gut. What are you truly feel Am I really angry? Is this mine? You know, and you start differentiating? What is mine? What is somebody else’s? Wait a minute, I was in a perfectly good mood until I came across. I don’t know this person Susie, I came across Susie and she was just in a bad mood and suddenly I’m in a bad mood. Oh, that’s not my bad mood. That’s Susie’s bad mood. Oh, I was mirroring her. Ooh, what is going on? And then you start noticing Who are you around? And what emotions? Are you picking up? And
Kris Godinez 50:23
is it yours really? Or is it somebody else’s? And then you give yourself permission to maintain your mood, no matter what Susie or anybody else is doing. Does that make sense? So yeah, so it’s a learned behavior. It is because we learned to mirror our abuser so that they leave us alone. Basically, it was a way to stay safe doesn’t work so much as an adult outside of the family anymore. So, it’s really important to start working on, is this Susie’s mood, is this my mood and trust your gut, trust your gut also means self-esteem also means boundaries. So, all of these things you need to work on the self esteem workbook, Glenn Schiraldi, the codependent no more beyond codependent no more Melanie Beatty disease to please by Harriet Braiker, and doing mirror work and doing journaling. You know, what’s mine? What’s theirs? What’s mine? What’s theirs. And that’s how you start differentiating between you and other people. So yeah, everybody who’s been through this has to do that, to get to that point to understand what’s yours? What’s theirs. So, yep, totally common. Um, okay. How do you stand up for yourself, when there are multiple family members that are abusing and resort to violence, if you try to live your own life in a way they don’t like you go, no contact and get away from them. You go, no contact and get away from them, they are not going to change. When somebody has broken one of your deal breakers, you get away from them, and you go, no contact one of those deal breakers should be violence. If somebody gets violent with you, you go, no contact, called please make a report, then go no contact, file an order protection. So, you know, these people have shown you who they are, don’t stick around, don’t expect a different behavior. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and expecting a different outcome. They’re not going to change they’re not. So, if multiple family members are being, you know, inappropriate and abusive, you go no contact with a lot of them and you get away from them. That’s a strong boundary. That’s basically saying, Nope, no more, I’m done. Goodbye. And if you have to you leave you move. You do. Like say for example, okay. Here’s a great example, let’s say that there are family members in a certain section of town. Phoenix is a big area. But let’s say that they happen to live in your section of town. And they’re starting to do the crazy stuff. They’re stalking, they’re calling they’re abusive, they’re leaving things on your car, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. At that point, you would be smart to move and not tell anybody where you’re moving to, preferably to the other side of the valley, do you see where I’m going with that? Or another state or another city? Or you know, whatever. So, and that isn’t always possible, but it’s kind of like, okay, what are your options? What are the pros and cons? What are the cons of staying where you’re at? What are the pros of staying where you’re at? And you do whichever list is going to be longer. So in some cases, yeah, if there’s multiple family members that are violent, and abusive, the best thing to do is to get the heck out, get the heck out of Dodge. And make sure that wherever you move that nobody is giving away your address, you know, to these people, and if they do you stop talking to them. So yeah, absolutely. All right. Let’s see one more question here. Um, how do you regain trust and not be guarded after realizing how many narcissists are in your life and separating from them. Trust takes time, you’re always going to be guarded, you are a little less once you start trusting your own gut, but you’re always going to be guarded. So, I think I talked about this a few weeks ago. It’s like, I inherently do not trust people. I don’t because of my experience with my dad and teachers and things like that. I’m kind of like Missouri, show me, you know, show me prove it, you know, that kind of thing. So, you’re always going to have that guardedness you’re always going to have that mistrust, because that’s what we’ve learned. And quite frankly, there’s a lot of people out there that don’t deserve our trust. Trust needs to be earned. It does. Trust needs to be earned. They literally have to show you they are trustworthy, anybody has to do that. So, but for us, it’s really a matter of okay, is this person trustworthy? Is this person not trustworthy? What’s the deal? So, and it’s just trusting your gut, you got to trust your gut first, you got to trust you. First. You got to work on the self esteem and trust your gut trust you and then put your feelers out and go, is this person trustworthy or not? What
Kris Godinez 55:13
is my gut telling me and listen to that your gut will not steer you wrong. The head in the heart will tell stories. The gut doesn’t it’s a simple yes or no answer to a yes or no question. So, all right, my love’s go have a fabulous week. You guys be good. Be good to yourselves and each other drink plenty of water. Go get some exercise, get out in the sunshine and I’ll talk to you later.
Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Chris godinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.
You’ve been listening to the podcast version of We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez.