CBT works with mistaken thoughts and mistaken beliefs. One way to process said mistaken thoughts and beliefs is to JOURNAL! You probably didn’t like that suggestion and you are probably wondering why I and so many therapists recommend it. Well, it all has to do with the amygdala.

Journaling, writing and burning letters, and making poetry out of our pain all take the trauma out of our heads and puts it in black and white on to paper. Some people resist journaling because they feel that it then makes the trauma “real”. Others are afraid of their journal being found. The funny thing is when the client finally gives themselves permission to journal, they start being able to put things in perspective and really begin the healing process! That and you need to be able to document abuse, especially if you are taking your abuser to court!

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Hello and welcome to We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez podcast. I’m your host Kris Godinez, licensed professional counselor. I help people get out of, and stay out of, toxic relationships. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only. The views and opinions stated herein are mine and mine alone. They do not represent the ACA, the APA, or any other therapist for that matter.

I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. Ph.D. level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

Okay, announcements before I dive into current events, so I will be in Vancouver, BC. On May 20th. Yeah, May 20th. I’ll be in Vancouver, BC, and then I will be in Portland, Oregon, on July 2. So, if you want to go hit one of those meet-and-greets, go to krisgodinez.com. And go to the IS IT shop? John? Did I send them to you? Oh, there’s an appearances tab. Okay, so just go to krisgodinez.com. And I’m close that, um, and then we’ll have the appearances. So right now, those are the two that I have going. So, Vancouver, BC and Portland, Oregon. I am going to be adding salt lake city, that’s probably going to be in the fall. So that is my evil plan for now. So hello, everybody. Okay, anything any other announcements need to make? I think that’s it.

Okay. Ah, current events. So, I don’t know if you remember a couple of weeks ago, I was talking about cult behavior I was talking about, you know, how cults behave and what they do and this kind of thing. Well, I just wanted to give you an unfortunate update on the one in Kenya. This was on the AP Nairobi, Kenya. 21 bodies have now been found so far on land owned by a pastor in coastal Kenya, who was arrested for telling his followers to fast to death. He literally told them that that was the best way to meet Jesus is to fast to death. Well, yeah, you’re going to meet Jesus just on the way I think you think you are. So anyway, it was crazy because they found okay. They found shallow graves. They’re now digging up. He was arrested. Paul McKenzie was arrested on April 14 over links to his cultism. Further, four people died after they and others were discovered starving at the Good News International Church. So, a tip-off from members of the public led to the police raided the pastor’s property in Melendi where they found 15 emaciated people, including the four who later died the followers said they were starving on the pastor’s instructions in order to meet Jesus that to me is just evil. Evil incarnate they the communal narcissist want to see when I say they want you dead I am not just whistling a tune here people they want to see your dead. And for a communal narcissist. That is the ultimate power trip the ultimate. I think it was coercive controls when I was talking about this but getting people to literally kill themselves because you’ve told them to that getting people to do things harmful to themselves.

So again, let’s take this a step further into the whole TikTok challenges, okay? TikTok challenges very often include dangerous things like overdosing on Benadryl or overdosing on cold medicines or whatever. And if the parents not paying attention recently, there was a child that died there was a child that died from overdosing on Benadryl because of one of the TikTok challenges. So, if somebody puts something out that they know is going to harm somebody or potentially kill somebody, I can guarantee you you’re dealing with a psychopath, you’re dealing with a narcissist, you’re dealing with a dark triad, because their ultimate goal is I’m going to say this, and can I make you do it? And they get off on it, and they get off on Oh, see, look how powerful I mean think of Jim Jones that look at Waco, Texas look at you know all of those cults who have called on their members to castrate themselves, kill themselves, starve themselves to death, etcetera, etc. If they get off on it, they literally want you dead. I’m not kidding at all. I say that, and people are like, Oh, you’re being extreme, and I’m like, really? Am I? Am I? Am I really being extreme? Let’s look at all these examples. Let’s look at how the Narcissus treats us. Let’s look at how the abusers treat us. Let’s look at what they do to soul-kill us if they can’t physically kill us. So, anyway, I just I saw that today. And my heart just dropped because I was hoping that it was limited to only four people, but now he’s killed 21 Well, 25, if you include the four that died, so communal narcissists, cult leaders, tell you to do things that are harmful, or they’re the ones on the internet, they’re still communal because they’re getting off on getting to an audience and getting people to do what they say. So, if they’re encouraging kids to go overdose on Benadryl, or you know, overdose on a cold medicine or whatever, and then not taking responsibility for having introduced this internet challenge. They’re abusive. They’re dark triads. They’re absolutely evil. They’re absolutely 110% evil, you tell somebody to go do something that you know is harmful, evil, period.

So anyway, I guess the thing is, is that I really want people to talk to their kids, again, about social media again because not everything that’s done on social media is done with good faith. Let’s put it that way. So, they, Yeah, somebody killed. Yeah, this was years ago. Oh, somebody mentioned a DJ who killed a woman with a water challenge that was in California. I remember that. And she drank so much water she died because you can screw up the electrolytes that way. And again, you should know that it’s like these idiots are like, Oh, it’s just water. It’s harmless. Well, too much of anything can become toxic. Hello, you know, but you know and, and I think what scares me is that with the social media, kids wanting to fit in, and I’m thinking more of you like younger kids, the person who drank the water was an adult. That again, obviously not educated obviously didn’t understand the danger. Obviously, you know, didn’t get you could die from drinking too much water. There’s a sad story with that one.

I have family members that have worked in the correctional situation and friends. And there was a mentally ill inmate who decided that the best way to get high was to do that was to drink too much water well, and eventually they died because they would keep continually doing that even though they took him to the hospital and tried to stop them and everything else, it just so basically talk to your kids, talk to your kids, teach your kids teach your kids that not to listen to these tick tock challenges. It scares me to death. I mean, I’ve got a whole slew of great nieces and great nephews that are like little ones, you know, and it terrifies me that you’ve got narcissists or triads sending out these harmful challenges to have them do it, and they think it’s all in good fun, but then it kills them. You know, like this kid, I’m thinking of that overdosed on the Benadryl. It’s like, how heartbreaking, so talk to your kids, make sure you make them understand that just because it’s over the counter doesn’t mean it’s safe. Just because it’s over the counter doesn’t mean you could overdose on it. Just because some idiot is telling you to go jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. Don’t effing do it. It just, Oh. I get really angry. I really do because the people who are getting hurt are the ones who are not well educated in what these things do. And the people doing it, I can guaran-frickin-tee it, you can take it to the bank and earn interest on it. They are dark triads. They’re communal narcissists. They’re disordered, and they’re getting off on hurting and hurting the kids who go for these challenges. So anyway, there is that, yes, Lori Vallow. Mm-hmm. She’s on trial right now. And that affects Idaho, Arizona, and Hawaii, she was all over the place and claimed she was a God. I think anyone who claims their god you may want to steer clear of or that they speak for God you may want to steer clear of so.

Kris Godinez  09:43

Anyway, there I just I saw that that update today, and it just broke my heart because it was horrible enough that four people starved themselves in order to see Jesus apparently, 21 others did the same thing. And he’s such a freakin coward. He hid it. So, He hid their bodies on his land. So that tells me everything I need to know about this dirtbag that he told us his followers basically starve themselves to death. And then, when they did, he hid the bodies. He hid the evidence. So yeah. Don’t get me started too late.

All right, so today, let’s dive into why it’s a good idea to journal Why is it a good idea to document? Why is it a good idea to write things down if you’re in a high conflict, divorce, or a high conflict? Custody, So, all right, so 10 good reasons to keep a journal. So, a lot of times when I’m working with people, I tell them, It’s like this is going to help. So, this is part of cognitive behavioral therapy, writing it out, getting it out of your head, getting it onto paper. Why? Lots of reasons.

So, one of it is, is that it doesn’t just sit in our head like an incomplete song. It doesn’t just there was there used to be this old coffee commercial. I’m going to show my age here, this old coffee commercial that used to go on, and it never stopped, and it would get stuck in your head. And then you’d like you’re, of course, thinking of that coffee brand. So that was the point. So, thoughts tend to ruminate. They tend to rumble around in our head until we do something with them. So, remember, the amygdala is stupid. threose Stupid, like, Oh, my God, stupid, cannot tell the difference between past present future emotional threat, real threat, thinking about a threat, it’s all the same. So, it kind of rumbles in our head. But if we write it out, the amygdala then goes, I know it then goes, Oh, I’ve done something with it. Oh, okay. I can let it go. And it drops it. I know. I know. It’s like, people are always fighting me on writing things out. They’re like, I don’t want to write it out. But I don’t want to write it out. Okay, what’s, what’s the fear of writing? Yeah, it’s going to make it real. Yeah, yeah, it is, it is going to make a real because you’re getting it out of your head, and you’re getting it onto paper, and you’re reading it, and you can process it. And the amygdala is not interfering, going, and freaking out and telling the hippocampus hypothalamus to drop cortisol in your system. And then you’re all tense. And now you’re not paying attention because you know, you’re having a panic deck. So anyway, the point being writing it out helps because it puts things into perspective. And does it make it real? Absolutely, because you’re getting it out of your head. And you’re putting it on paper. It’s in black and white. And I find a lot of survivors of abuse, especially when they have first left, especially a romantic relationship, resist writing it like nobody’s business because they don’t want it to be real. And that’s part of the gaslighting. That’s part of the lie.

Remember how I talked about all the lies and the fog and everything else? Because boy howdy you write it out? You’re able to process it. You’re able to work it through with a therapist. Yes, it’s real. Means you got to do something to help you. Yeah, absolutely. And so, a lot of survivors are really resistant to that. And it’s part of the inner child. So, it’s the inner child, that’s like, no, no, no, no, no la, la, la, la, la, I’m not listening, I don’t want to believe it, you know, and you kind of got to be like, honey, take your fingers out of your ears, it’s okay, we’re going to get through this.

So, okay, 10 good reasons to keep a journal. Now, here’s the deal. If you are still in an abusive relationship, you lock that journal down, you keep it at work, you leave it with a trusted friend or family member, and you do not leave the journal or any documentation any documentation where the abuser can find it, because they will, they have, and they will find those journals, read them, and then use whatever you’ve said in those journals against you, because that’s what those do jack wagons do. So, if you’re going to journal, keep it somewhere safe, or have it locked down so that they can’t get to it. If you if you do like on digital. I like to write it out with an actual pen and paper just because I can dig the pen into the paper if I’m really pissed off. And it just and I like writing, I just I do cursive, and I like writing.

So anyway, do what floats your boat. If you need to write it out, write it out. If you need to type it out, type it out. If you’re the artistic type, paint it out, sing it out, do whatever you need to but get it out. Does that make sense? You can record it if you’re doing the singing or you know, some form of, you know, poetry or you know, whatever, but get it out and then reread it or re-listen to it so that you can really let it sink in what you’re working on. Does that make sense?

So, 10 Good Reasons to Keep a Journal stress and anxiety and this is on Psychology Today. And this is 10 reasons to keep 10 good reasons to keep a journal by Kevin Bennett, Ph. D. This was written in January of 2023. It’s known to reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety; it can be used as a form of stress and emotional regulation. keeping a diary can be beneficial for mental well-being as well as personal growth and self-awareness, and it allows you to revisit things without having to store them up here. Creative insights and novel solutions to problems often result from habitual, uncensored writing. Now, that’s key point uncensored.

So, a lot of my clients, when they have been in a family of origin that was like controlling, manipulative, gaslighting, lying the whole thing, they have a really hard time doing the uncensored part because they feel like, Oh, my God, I’m being disloyal. No, you’re not. It is your right to write it out and get it out of your head. You can say whatever you want in the journal, I wouldn’t recommend saying it to the abuser. This is why when I say if you write and burn a letter to them, like, okay, when we come out of abusive relationships, whether it is parental, whether it’s a boss, whether it’s a lover, whether it’s whatever, there’s a lot of emotions, right? And talking to the abuser is not going to make a hill’s beans worth of difference. It’s not because they’re not going to get it. They don’t care. They don’t care. They truly do not care what they’re doing to us or how we feel about it. They’re not going to change. Listen to you now. Believe me later, they are not going to change. So when you write it out, do it how you’d like to not with the, you know, well, this is what I’m going to say that No, no, no, no, you are not, you’re going to just write it out, get it out of your head, get it onto paper and burn it, you know, or you’re leaving in your journal, one of the two, I don’t recommend personally keeping the bad stuff, once you’ve gone through all of it. You know, it’s like once you’ve divorced, and once you’re onto your happy life, you can burn that stuff if you want. That’s what I recommend because some people get stuck in writing out all the bad stuff, and they forget to put in the good stuff, too. So, as you’re not good stuff about the abuser, but good stuff about you, you know. So, if you’re doing the journal, make sure that you’re talking about your own growth, as well as how angry you are at the abuser and all of that, so that you have some balance in there. Oftentimes, I’ll tell people, it’s like, okay, you’re done with it. You’re divorced. You’ve got everything settled. You’ve got the evidence and other places. You can burn this now let it go, have a ceremony, have a ceremony, burn it bonfire. You know, it’s the big letting it go, you know, that kind of thing. And it’s really important. It’s important for our amygdala, it’s important for our inner children, it’s important for us to be able to go okay. I’m done with this part of my life now. And now I’m moving on. So don’t forget to journal about the good stuff to keep a separate journal for the good stuff. All right, creative insights, okay, stress and anxiety,

Writing about your feelings and experiences can be therapeutic, helping to relieve stress and anxiety, according to much research on mental distress in journal and keep in mind that the benefits of keeping a diary depending on how frequently you write in it and how honest you are with yourself, you got to be honest, you can’t. You can’t censor yourself is what I’m trying to say is don’t censor yourself because you’re afraid, you know, oh, my God, what would my mom and dad say? Well, they’re never going to read it. And you’re never going to tell them this is for you. And you alone. Now, when we come from abusive families, there are no boundaries. And I have seen abusive parents read the kid’s journals, read the kid’s diaries, and then use it against them. So as an adult, you lock it down. You make sure it’s secure. This is just for you. They’re never going to see it nor should they. So, this is for you to call them every name in the book or get out your anger or whatever you need to do. So. Yeah. All right.

Kris Godinez  18:48

Honest with yourself and not just write what you think others want to hear. This is not for anybody else; this is for you. enhanced creativity. Writing in a diary can stimulate your imagination and creativity. It can also be a good way to capture ideas for future projects. It improves the memory. keeping a diary can help you improve your memory as you reflect on past experiences. And remember details that may have been forgotten. So, when we are in an abusive relationship, we are dealing with CPTSD. And one of the key things of CPTSD, PTSD, is we don’t remember key aspects of the abuse. So, it’s great to write it down so that you when you go back, and you can go, oh, wait a minute, something else is being triggered in my head. What else have they said this, okay, and then you write it down. So, it helps with you. processing the trauma is what I’m trying to say. And it helps you get your memories back, which is huge, which, again, some clients are terrified of it, but it’s like, Don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid it. Knowledge is power. Remembering is power. And we remember when we feel safe enough. So, when you start remembering aspects of the trauma, give yourself a big old hug and a pat on the back because it means you’re feeling safer, and you’re able to start recalling certain aspects. You may or may not get them all back. That’s okay. But if you start remembering, it’s a good thing. It’s a good thing. Good job, keep going.

Okay, back to this. Boost your awareness. Writing in a diary helps you to reflect on your thoughts and emotions, helping you to understand yourself better. This increased awareness can lead to potential for personal growth and development. So, a lot of times I encourage my clients to write out what their triggers are. What triggered you in this moment? What were you seeing? What are you hearing? What were you smelling? What were you tasting? What were you feeling? What was the trigger? Let’s figure out what’s going on when you have these panic attacks. What’s causing it? What’s the thought? What are you thinking? So that’s all mindfulness. And journaling it out is a really good way to help you figure out patterns. So, for example, it’s like if you suddenly find yourself having a panic attack out of the blue, and you’re like, wait a minute, where was I?

Oh, I was grocery shopping. Okay. Why was I having a panic attack? Well, I was standing in this aisle, and I could smell the bakery or something, you know, and oh, gosh, that reminded me of, you know, a family member that was abusive when they were cooking or something, you know, it just things pop up in the weirdest ways they really do. So, you just write it out. So, you can find a pattern and then not avoid remind yourself, hey, I’m going into the grocery store, and there’s going to be smells that are going to remind me of my abusive grandparents. So okay, little ones, you’re safe, you’re okay, we can do this. Take your power back. That’s really what it’s all about. writing it out, figuring out the triggers, and the trauma is taking your power back so that these dead times about swear, you know what I’m saying? These dead Jack wagons no longer have power over you, so that if you get triggered because of a smell or have a sensory thing or whatever, you can start taking your power back and be able to go into that place without feeling that huge amount of fear. And it’s usually the inner child is the one that’s freaking out. It’s like, however old we were when we were getting abused. They’re freaking out. They don’t know what to do with it. And you have to step in as the adult and be like, Hey, little ones, we’re good. I’m the adult. I will kick anybody’s hind in that tries to hurt you. You know what I’m saying? So, Mama Bear, papa bear, with your inner children, you protect them. So, and let them know, Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay, and we’re going into the grocery store, there’s going to be a little bit of a trigger, and we’re going to be safe, we’re fine. We’re okay. We got it.

Okay, motivation, oh, good mental health, sorry, good mental health. So, keeping a diary can be an effective way to manage the symptoms of depression or anxiety. So, it’s like if you’re noticing you’re feeling depressed, or if you’re noticing you’re feeling anxious, write it out, see if there’s a pattern. And you know that way, then to when you go to speak to your counselor or a psychiatrist or a doctor, you can be like, here’s what I’ve noticed over the last month, and that helps them be able to help you. Help them help you. Help them help you that really is a good idea. Okay, motivation, because the thing I don’t think people are completely aware of, especially when they’re just leaving an abusive relationship. And especially if it’s going to be a high-conflict divorce, with a high conflict, custody to follow is that you will face anxiety like you have never experienced before as you try to protect yourself and as you try to protect your child, and some people are afraid to go to the doctor because they’re afraid the ex is going to use it against them. And you document, and we’re going to get to that, you document the abuse so that it’s clear that this person is causing the anxiety. So, motivation, writing down your goals and your plans can help keep you motivated and focused. You can track your progress on how far you’ve come. And this is important because abusers take away our dreams, and our hopes and our humor, and our everything. So, writing down your goals. It’s like you have the right to have your own goals. You have the right to have your own ideas. You have the right to, you know, what do you want to do now that you’re out of the realm of the abuser? What do you want to do? What? How do you want to live your life? What does it look like? How and how can we help you get from point A to point B? How do we do that? So that too is helpful to a therapist for you to write down. What do you want? Really give yourself permission? It’s okay for me to want to have a healthy life. It’s okay. Because boy, how do they tell us it’s not so working on the mirror work is going to help, but writing out What you really want is going to help you go, oh, I want to.

So, let’s say, let’s say you’re in a state with the abuser, and there’s no kids involved because that’s the simplest solution. So, the simplest situation, we’re going to talk about if there’s kids involved, or even if there is kids involved, if there’s no kids involved, your goal is to get as far away from as possible, figure out where you want to move seriously, like, get on the internet and start looking at and figure out where you want to go to get away from them. If you have children and you cannot leave, you’re stuck, right? Then you figure out the support groups. You figure out how far you can move away from them and still be able to drop the kids off. You know, you do things to protect yourself. So, it’s taking action. It’s, it’s how do I explain this? writing it out, writing your goals out, writing out what you want and What do you need, helps you figure out where to go next. Because when they’re throwing a whole bunch of stuff over our family wizard at you, and you’re just at survival, and you’re up to here with their BS, it helps to kind of go eye on the prize. What do I need? How do I keep myself and my kid as safe as possible? Where do I need to live? What schools do they need? How do I make this happen? You know, etc. So do that it really does help. Okay, um, all right.

It gives you a sense of accomplishment when you look back. Reflecting is always a great thing. Sometimes with my clients, I have to go do reflecting with them. It’s kind of, especially when they come in and they’re hopeless. It’s like, whoa, whoa, let’s look at how far you’ve come. Let’s look at when you first walked into this office, and I’ll flip back to the very first day and read to them what they have said. And they’re like, oh, yeah, yeah, I know how to deal with this now. And I’m like, Yes, you do. Look at how far you’ve come. Look at how much you’ve learned. Good job, keep going. You’re not hopeless. There’s hope. So anyway, that’s a good thing to do. Because it helps you kind of look back and go,

Kris Godinez  27:02

Oh, yeah, I’ve come a long way. greater productivity. Writing out your emotions can help with healthy relationships. You know, what are you feeling? What are you thinking? Is this really somebody you want to be around? That’s a good thing to do. If you’re starting to date again, it’s like, oh, are there red flags? Let’s look at the red flags, if there are any. Um, yeah.

So, there is that all right now, building your case, how to document abuse, and this is on thehotline.org. So, thehotline.org. So, all I did is I put it into Google, and it just said how to document abuse. And its National Domestic Violence Hotline popped up. So, it’s thehotline.org. So that popped up. So, if you’re in an abusive relationship and are in the process of taking or deciding to take legal action against your abusive partner, documenting the abusive behaviors of your partner can be an important component of building your case. Now, this goes with getting a restraining order. This goes with divorce. This goes with, you know, Dividing property. This goes with everything. So, it’s worth noting that every state has different laws about what evidence and documentation can be used in court. Speaking with a legal advocate in your state might help better prepare you for your unique situation. Our advocates at the hotline can help locate a legal advocate near you. Fantastic. So, if you guys are looking for legal advocates, go to thehotline.org. And they can help locate an advocate for you. So, in Arizona, we have fresh start Women’s Resource Center, and they have attorneys there, the retired, that give legal advice, they can help you fill out, you know, divorce papers, or you know, custody stuff or whatever, they cannot represent you in court, but then you can at least do the paperwork with you for like 15 bucks. So that’s way better than the 400 that most charge. So yeah, you want to go to thehotline.org. And, John, if you could put that in the chat. That’d be fantastic. Thank you, um, thehotline a.org. And I’m getting to an attorney to kind of help you sort through because, again, that book, It’s on the other side of the desk. Okay. Um, The No-Nonsense Guide to Divorce by Laurie Hellis. It walks you through the mumbo jumbo of what divorce really is like. So, I strongly recommend you read that if you’re thinking of getting a divorce. And again, do not let your abusive partner see this.

When you go to do all of the legal stuff, make sure that you’re keeping all of this stuff at work or at a trusted family or friend’s house so that they don’t have access to it. Okay, so, find an advocate Fresh Start Women’s Resource Center in Arizona go to thehotline data org to find one in your state. Okay, verbal testimony from you or from your witnesses. So, make sure you have people lined up that are willing to testify that this person has been abusive, hurtful, harmful, etc., and medical reports of injuries from the abuse. Get your medical records. Absolutely. If there’s bruises, take pictures dated of any injuries seriously. Scratches, bruises, etc. And this goes for men and women because women are abusive too the dark triads. You bet. Okay, police reports of when you are witness called the police. Now, this may or may not being helpful, but I would do it anyway. Because sometimes the abuser calls the police and claims that you were the abuser, and, in some states, it’s so stupid. They’re like, well, we don’t have to arrest so many, and then they end up. Oh, gosh, thank you, Rob. They ended up arresting the target of abuse as opposed to the abuser, and I’m sitting here going, what is your damage? Well, the damage is the police departments do not train their officers, really, in psychological situations in domestic violence, and let’s face it, a lot of them are narcissists themselves. So not all but some so all right, um, where was I? I was not there. There. There I am. Okay. Police reports of when you have witnessed, or you or a witness, called police, even if they make you go, it’s like, honestly, I will definitely get that.

Household objects that have been torn or broken by the abuser. So, it is very common when they start losing it that when they realize they can no longer control you. Or they can’t control you with the intimidation, the verbal stuff, they’ll start going physical. And oftentimes, they’ll harm pets. They’ll harm objects, things that are sentimental value to you, they’ll throw things. They love…. The thing that I’ve seen the most in working with targets of abuse is the abuser, male or female, will throw something and just barely missed the person, and I don’t know whether that’s on purpose and they’re just bad shots. Or that I’m like, lipstick is everywhere. What the hell, or if that’s just done to frighten the person, you know, they’ll grab things and throw it on the ground and, you know, in a temper tantrum. Basically, you’re dealing with a two-year-old at that point. So um, take pictures, take pictures, take pictures, take pictures, listen to me. Now, believe me later. You want to take as many pictures as you possibly can of anything that was broken, torn, they’ll go in, they’ll pour bleach on clothing, they’ll cut up clothing, they’ll you know all sorts of stuff it and of course their next line will be You made me You made me. You made me jealous. I think you’re cheating. You deserved it. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So, you guns are flying fast and furious. Take pictures, and date it. If you can’t get witnesses, that’s what you’re going to want. You want as many eyes on this situation as possible because, remember, they isolate us. Oh, my Lord, I am going to go over time here. And I don’t care because I need to get this information out. Okay. household objects torn or broken by the abuser, and pictures of the household disarray after a violent episode. So, they’ve tossed the furniture, broken windows, whatever, pictures of any weapons used by the abuser against you, a personal diary or calendar in which you’ve documented the abuse as it happened. So as soon as possible. After the event, you want to document where they’re not. If you start documenting in front of… that’s going to that’s going to enrage them even more so as soon as you possibly can get to someplace quiet note the date, the time who was a witness, and write out what happened as best you can. That’s what that’s what’s going to help you because when you go to get that restraining order, the judge is going to be like, Well, where’s your evidence? Well, here it is, Your Honor, you know, so? Yeah, okay. Um, below are a few actions you can take to create documentation, and visit the doctor. Go to your healthcare provider, and let them know that you’re in an abusive relationship. If you’re visiting a doctor for an injury, ask them about safe ways you can make notes about the abuse, some can right the cause of injury without it having to go to the police. So again, every state is different.

You’re going to have to find out and talk to your doctor. Consider outside documentation. Do you have a trusted friend, coworker, or family member who knows what’s going on and would be willing to help? There are many ways they can document the abuse, whether that’s a coworker making notes of times your partner calls you at the office or a friend holding your journal at her house. So again, abusers will call your home, your work, your best friends your entire family. If they’re not flying monkeys have them documented. Have somebody you trust document how many times you got called at work by your abuser. That’s harassment. You’re going to need that when you file your restraining order. Because on the restraining order, at least in Arizona, it’s going to ask, well, where you not want them to be in mind? When I did mine it was like everywhere. That’s what this person anywhere near me. I think they’re cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. So yeah, absolutely. Create a stalking log. If your partner is stalking, you create a stalking log that can be very helpful to your case. The set national center for Victims of crimes stalking Resource Center has examples of stalking logs in PDF and Word formats as well as additional information on stalking. So, the Stalking Resource Center at the National Center for Victims of crimes.

Okay, learn more about police reports, like filing about a lost bike, ask hypothetically if there was something that was happening that I wouldn’t want to report, always ask questions out, call your local police department’s non-emergency number and find out about the protocols and procedures for filing a police report. This is going to help you prepare for filing a police report if you need to, which creates a paper trail of the abuse, and this is important. So, a few years ago, I got some death threats here on YouTube. So, I found the police report, you know, not you know, not like I was expecting the police to be able to do anything, but I wanted a paper trail so that in case anything did come of it, that there was a paper trail, you know, and that’s what you want. So do that. Don’t be afraid of finding out how to file a police report. And if somebody threatens you, don’t be afraid of filing a police report. That’s what they are there for. I know some of them they’re not, because they’re narcissists, but that’s what they’re there for. So, yeah, absolutely file police reports. If you need to take pictures. Get a disposable camera, and we don’t really have disposable cameras anymore. They’re all on our phones.

Kris Godinez  36:55

And keep the pictures somewhere safe. So, you can put it on a little drive and give it to a friend. Let it go to voicemail. Is the partner or the abuser calling over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over? Let it go to voicemail and save the voicemail. That’s evidence that is evidence. Don’t erase it. Don’t listen to it necessarily, but don’t erase it. Have a friend listen to it. If you need to see what you need to, keep what you don’t save all digital evidence. Take a screenshot of 30 missed calls from your abusive partner and screenshot threatening text screenshot instead of responding to them, take a screenshot of the threatening texts to get it saved in your images folder. So, remember to send them on to a friend and delete them. If your friend if your partner sends threatening emails, don’t respond to them, but consider saving them in a folder in your inbox. Okay, so there is that.

How to document high con a high conflict parent develop a written parenting plan Everything has to be written down it all has to be written down. So, a lot of times, abusers will be like oh, we don’t need to we don’t need to go to court. We don’t need a written plan we don’t need on Uh huh. Because then they can change it however they want. And it’s usually a disadvantage to the other partners, so it needs everything needs to be in writing. Write it all down, document all digital evidence, document any physical abuse, store the evidence safely work with a lawyer experienced in dealing with a high conflict or narcissistic parent. So, this is why I strongly recommend you have it in writing. You do our family wizard, or some form of communication cannot be erased. And again, the problem is the attorney or the judges. Some will, you know, actually do their due diligence and read through the evidence, and others just side with the abuser because they’re narcissists themselves. It’s crapshoot video. It depends on the state. So, it depends on the judge. So, some judges will accept video evidence. Others won’t.

So, I mean, you could videotape it. But again, be very careful. Because if you’re videotaping it or recording it in any way, the abuser, if they find out, they’re going to use that as the excuse to physically attack you. They’ll slap the phone out of your hand. They’ll damage the phone. They’ll, you know, whatever. So, Lord, have mercy. It’s a thing, it really, it’s, it’s a thing. So, documentation is your friend. It’s scary. It makes it real. It absolutely does. The documentation is your friend. It’s going to be your friend for if you need to file a restraining order, and it’s going to be your friend if you’ve got a high-conflict divorce or a high-conflict custody battle going on. Get used to familiarizing yourself with the legal system. I hate to say this, but when we leave an abuser, you’re going to become an expert in psychology, and you’re also going to become an expert in law seriously because you’re going to need to know the law so that you understand what you’re dealing with. I think the biggest mistake people make is that they don’t understand the law and they don’t familiarize themselves with the law in their state or their procedures. And then they go in with this kind of Pollyanna attitude that the judge is going to watch out for them. No, people, no, you need to hire a damn good attorney that understands high conflict, divorce. If you don’t, you are going to be spending so much more money than if you had hired somebody who knows how to deal with these types.

So, for example, what they love to do is they love to, oh, I’m going to file a motion, oh, I’m going to file this motion, oh, I’m going to file this motion, I’m going to file that motion. Well, what the good attorney will do is they’ll start charging them, and they’ll be like, this is a frivolous motion. And then you know, counter file and be like, this is frivolous encounter file and frivolous encounter file. And eventually, if they’ve got a narcissistic attorney, the attorney will be tired of being not getting their funds because the narcissist has encouraged them to file, you know, and it’s like, now their client is getting dinged and having to pay, and yeah, you get a good attorney, get a good attorney, they’re worth their weight in gold. I’m not kidding you; if they know how to deal with high conflict, custody, and high conflict, divorce, do it, do it get an attorney. I’ve seen clients spend a ridiculous amount on attorneys that don’t know what they’re doing and don’t counter file and don’t punitively go after the BS that the abuser is trying to use. They’re trying to use the court as abuse by proxy. If you’ve got a good savvy attorney, they’ll recognize that not allowed that. But anyway, so this is why documentation is important. It is for your personal safety, it’s for your own remembering, you know, it’s like writing things down, look how far you’ve come, you know, a journal, that kind of thing. It’s for documentation for any legal stuff that you may need to do. But make sure that the documentation is safe. It’s locked down, and the abuser cannot get to it. Okay. Let’s get to the questions. All right.

As a child, I was never allowed to visit my best friend, who moved to Texas. She’d fly here to visit me. I went no contact with my family. 12 years ago, I just flew to Texas for the first time. Why did I wait so long? Well, sweetie, you know, we do what we can when we can seriously, it’s a fear. The way that parents make us afraid toxic parents make us afraid stops us from doing a lot. It really does. And don’t beat yourself up. At least you got there. At least you got there. Okay. So yeah, don’t be beating yourself up, Celebrate. Celebrate. Congratulations, you are now free to travel about the country. You know what I’m saying? So don’t be mad at yourself. It’s like, did it take a long time? Yeah. Okay, so it did. And you’re there now. Huzzah! You know, and just this is the level of damage that toxic parents inflict on their kids, the level of fear. And what we don’t realize until we’re in therapy, working on ourselves, doing the workbooks working on self-esteem, is that fear is a manipulation. It’s a manipulation. If you can make somebody fearful, you can control them. And that’s the name of the game for them is manipulation, power, and control. That’s what they want. So anytime anyone, politician, parent, coworker, or boss tries to make you fearful, really take a look at the motivation. What’s motivating this, huh? Nine times out of 10, It’s to make you malleable to make it so that they can manipulate and control you. So, fear false evidence appearing real false evidence appearing real, it ain’t real, it’s fake. But they love to instill the fear in us so that we don’t go do things because, How dare you succeed where I failed? How dare you go do things where I couldn’t? That’s what they do. So let it go. You did good. Let it go. Just keep traveling. Keep traveling, throw dart at the map, and go there? Absolutely. Travel is the best thing we can do. Honest to God.

When I was 21 Was it really when I was 21 I backpacked across Europe. And I got away from Mom and Dad, and I backpacked across Europe. And of course, my mother was freaking out. Don’t you dare. You’re going to get raped and murdered and killed, and just do that and don’t go to a communist country. So, I beelined it for East Germany. And I felt so amazing. After that trip. It’s like I came into my own. It was like, you know why? Biotches, y’all lied to me. I wouldn’t want to live in East Germany at that time. You know, but I traveled, and I was safe, and I was fine. And I met a lot of really cool people, and I’m still pen pals with one of them to this day. So, you know, it’s just, it’s great travel is great travel gets rid of fear. And you have to confront it, though. And did I have panic attack attacks all done I was traveling pretty much, pretty much, until after I got out of use Germany, and then I was going to like I’m badass. Yeah, you know. So, travel, travel, travel, do basically anything that your abusive parents said don’t do, you want to go do that? It’s true because they don’t want you to do anything fun or good. So go do the fun, good stuff, you know, obviously, don’t do anything dangerous, but you know what I’m saying. So just, you know, go travel, go do what you need to do, and good job and keep going. And don’t beat yourself up. Because that’s, that’s the training we got as kids so The Inner Child Workbook, Lucia Cappacchione or Catherine Taylor, work on that work on that aspect so that you get rid of that false evidence appearing real.

Okay, next. What are your thoughts on licensed clinical social workers running YouTube channels? And taking money for classes? Are they also helpful for healing adult children of narcissistic parents? Um, well, if they’re doing it through if they’re licensed? And it’s okay with their state. Then I suppose it’s okay. I mean, you could do that. It would be group therapy, kind of. I guess that’s kind of more they’re almost doing it like a life coach type of thing. It sounds like, but yeah, I don’t see anything ethically wrong with that. It shouldn’t go against any of the any of the ethics, so they’re taking money for classes. So, I’m assuming there. They’re putting together like a class and selling it. Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with that. As long as it’s good information, and they’re not, you know, cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Kris Godinez  46:55

Are they also helpful for healing adult children of narcissistic personality disorder? They can be if they’ve done the research. If they haven’t, then no. So basically, I see. I’ve seen some people online where I’m just like, oh, who are a disordered person. Why are you on here? And again, it’s like if they’re, they’re spewing stuff out, and it doesn’t sound right. Verify. Look it up. Look at the studies. Look at look at the articles. Look at that. Do you see where I’m going with that? So yeah, it depends on whether they actually know what they’re talking about or not. I hate to say it, but those of us who have, you know, like Marsha Diane, has been through it. I’ve been through it. Susanna Quintana has been through it. Shahida Arabi has been through it. Kim Saeed has been through. So those people I trust because we’ve been there and done that! And everything I’ve read from them. I’ve liked it’s been like, yeah, you’re absolutely right. Yeah, that’s absolutely right. Oh, ha That’s how you fix it. That’s how you heal yourself. That’s how you, so yeah, so it depends. It’s kind of a trust-your-gut kind of thing. And don’t listen to somebody who is, you know, spewing stuff, but they don’t have anything to back it up. Does that make sense? So, you know, frankly, that’s why I do the Psychology Today stuff when I come on here because it’s kind of like look at this and look at this, and oh my gosh, and I just pulled this article from over here. So yeah, so that’s absolutely what you want to do.

So okay, um, there is an abusive person who commiserates with Dad enabler who then tells me this is abuse when I defend my boundaries while having discussions with him. To tell him not to interject himself into other issues to create more issues pot stirring. Since a narc does not accept take taking ownership of any reality instead of experiencing emotion. Why do they resort to ego offense is a tactic of self-victimization? So, you’re dealing with narcissistic abuse, I mean, narcissistic injury. So, narcissists can never be wrong ever on this or any other planet. They can never be wrong. And so, they will get insanely defensive. And remember, if you watched it a couple of weeks ago, they love to stir the pot, they do, and they will throw themselves into the middle of everybody else’s business. Because it’s outside of them. And it’s a way to deflect. It’s a way to distract. So, they’re looking for a distraction. That’s what the chaos and drama is all about. It’s a distraction. And again, if they’re a communal narcissist, or if they’re a dark triad, they love to stir the pot and then sit back and watch all the drama, you know, while they eat popcorn, and it makes them feel powerful. So that’s why they do what they do. And then when they get called on it. They get defensive, and they get angry because, well you’re calling them out on it, and how dare you, and I’m not wrong, and I’m always right and bla bla bla bla bla you know, whatever their BS is. So, it’s, it’s narcissistic injury to call them out on it, and honestly, you would have a deeper conversation with my backdrop, then you would say it doesn’t do any good. It doesn’t do any good.

Okay, um, are there any support groups for adult children of narcissists, there’s tons of support groups, tons and tons and tons, but I would caution you that a lot of support groups online, and I don’t know about in-person, but I do know a lot of support groups online, have called narcissists in them because it’s hunting ground for them. So, um, you could look for them online. I would be very cautious, I would trust your guts. Um, you could create your own, you know, you could look for support groups in person. They’re a little less likely to show up necessarily in person, I do find that there’s more of the trolls and more of the narcissist on the online groups. But, you know, just be careful, just be careful, support groups are great. Don’t get me wrong, I do think they’re valuable I do. And it’s great to listen to other people’s stories because it’s like, I’m not alone. Oh, my God, this happened to you too. Holy crap, I thought I was the only one. So that’s why I love support groups is because it lets you know you’re not alone. There’s, there’s so many of us have been through similar, you know, situations or things that have happened. And it’s great, but just I caution you that any support group, whether you’re looking at a support group for having been the child of a narcissist, or whether you’re looking at AA, or you know, any of these groups, there’s always going to be trolls, there’s always going to be narcissists, there’s always going to be disordered people. So just, you know, watch your six, basically, is the biggest thing I can say is like, trust your gut, watch your six, don’t fall for their sob story. That’s the biggest thing. So. Okay, um, and what support groups would there be? So, there’s one called out of the fog. I’m trying to think of other online support groups. So, what I would do is I would just go onto Google and I would look for support groups for adult children of narcissists. But then, like I said, look at the reviews. Be careful. Trust your gut. Don’t engage with somebody who’s a narcissist or who’s an Ask hole. Help me, help me, help me. And then two seconds later, Help me Help me Help me and you help them two seconds later. Help me help him. So be careful of that. There’s a lot of covert nurses. But yeah, if you can find a group, do it, it couldn’t hurt. But just be aware, not everybody’s who they pretend to be. So, there is that.

Okay, um, all right, partner has abusive parents who have never helped him, no matter what. UI he takes it out on me whenever he feels insecure. You don’t help? Why do they do this? Why cut off heads to stand taller? Okay, so this is a common thing that happens is that a partner will have had an abusive, dysfunctional family. And they take it out on the partner because the partner is the safer target. You’re dealing with an inner child at that point. At that point, you need to put your foot down through be like, Oh, I’m not doing it. You need to go get help. Here’s your options. I’m not. I am not going to be your whipping post anymore. I’m not your mom, I’m not your dad, I’m not your whoever was the abuser. Okay. So, this is common. And so, it’s an inner child thing. So inner child, rather than confronting the abuser, will go for a safe target, meaning either the safe parent or the partner, and start trying to work out the stuff that happened with the family of origin with the partner. All that’s going to do is destroy the relationship because ain’t nobody going to put up with that. So, I would strongly suggest that the partner go get help. And if they refuse, you know what to do. And it’s, it’s not the answer you wanted. Don’t stick around, don’t stick around if the partner is not willing to work on themselves. It’s not going to get better. It’s only going to get worse. And why do they do that? Because it’s an inner child. It’s a child that’s child’s way of dealing with it’s going for the safer target as opposed to dealing with the user. So, there is that okay.

All right. I think we’ve hit the questions. So next week is going to be kind of a shorter version. I’m going to be traveling with you in Universal Studios with my familia, but I’m going to take time out. And I wanted to talk about TV shows and movies that send the wrong damn message. So that is what we’re going to talk about. And we’re going to talk about how that societal thing has kind of indoctrinated men and women into accepting toxic relationships. And so, we’re going to we’re going to be talking through a couple of couples, a lot of movies and TV shows that I’ve noticed that I’ve been like, why Is this relationship considered romantic? It’s so insanely abusive and toxic. Oh my god. So, we’re going to talk about that. If you have any questions, just go ahead, and throw them either in the chat or down below. And remember, I’m going to be in Vancouver and Portland. So go to krisgodinez.com and get your tickets there. All right, kiddos, I will talk to you next week. Talk to you later. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always listen live on YouTube every week Sunday at noon, Arizona Mountain Standard Time. And if you want to find out more or listen to other episodes, you can go to Krisgodinez.com and if you have a chance, subscribe to this show on whatever podcast app you use and let other people know about. I want to thank my sponsor betterhelp.com. They are an online therapy company. Whether you are in the US or international. They will set you up with a qualified licensed therapist. PhD level or Master’s level. If you are interested in more information, go to betterhelp.com/krisgodinez.

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