All families have problems like ours! No marriage is happy! The rest of the family thinks YOU are
crazy! You’re mother/father is a whore/asshole/bastard/bitch! Therapy is for losers! Only crazy
people go to therapy! No child of mine will be in therapy! You don’t need therapy! You only
need God! I had to beat you because YOU made me! I don’t want you to contact your
sister/brother because they are a drug addict! I don’t want you talking to your sister/brother
because they are the reason my kids don’t talk to me! I never said/did that! You’re fat! You’re
ugly! You’re too loud! You’re too sensitive! You laugh too much! So and so said such and such
about you, and they agree with me!
Do any of these sound familiar to you? If you were raised in a dysfunctional family you are
probably triggered just by reading that list of lies. Abusers desperately try to normalize the not-
normal and tell their kids/family/friends/anyone who will listen that the lies they are spreading
are the truth and normal. Let me just disabuse you of all of the above lies.
When an abuser says:
“All families have problems like ours.” And/or No marriage is happy!” Abusers assume
(wrongly) that everyone thinks and acts and will do what they do. It is very black-and-white
thinking, and it shows how little introspection they have. They also want the target of abuse to
believe that there isn’t anything or anyone or any system better out there. They want to
normalize the abuse so the abused will continue to be a whipping post for the abuser.
“The rest of the family thinks YOU are crazy!” The abuser is basically letting you know they have
been smearing you to the rest of the family. The only family members that will side with them
are flying monkeys.
“Your mother/father is a whore/asshole/bastard/bitch!” They are attempting to do parental
alienation. Bad-mouthing the other parent hurts the child, and if the child is not in therapy and
understands the manipulation, they will do the Freudian ego defense of siding with the
aggressor to stay safe.
“Therapy is for losers! Only crazy people go to therapy! No child of mine will be in therapy!”
Abusers do not want the world to see that they are, in fact, not perfect. They also do not want
eyes on their abuse. They will actively interfere with therapy of their children by trying to
intimidate the therapist, demanding all notes, so the child has no privacy, or conveniently
“forgetting” to take them to the appointment when it is the abuser’s time with the child.
“You don’t need therapy! You need God!” and I will give you three guesses of who “God” is in
this statement. It isn’t the Almighty. It is the abuser. Communal narcissists align themselves
with hardcore fundamentalist religions, not just Christianity, and use that dogma as the excuse
to control, manipulate, and abuse.
“I had to beat you because YOU made me!” Abusers will never, ever, not on this or any other
planet, take responsibility for their words or actions. They always blame the target or someone
or something else. It is NEVER the fault of the target when an abuser abuses.
“I don’t want you to contact your sister/brother because they are a drug addict! I don’t want
you talking to your sister/brother because they are the reason my kids don’t talk to me!” The
first lie is a toxic parent lying about a healthy sibling because abusers are all about divide and
conquer. If there is nothing to smear they will make shit up! The second one is a disordered
sibling blaming a healthy sibling because the disordered sibling’s children have gone no contact,
and rather than go to therapy and figure out why they lash out at a sibling that they believe
they can abuse. They will cling to a false narrative even though the sibling had nothing to do
with the kids going no contact because, again, they cannot take responsibility for their own
actions and words.
“I never said/did that!” Gaslighting at its finest! Yes, they did say/did that!
‘You’re fat! You’re ugly! You’re too loud! You’re too sensitive! You laugh too much/too loud!”
No sane or healthy person would EVER speak to anyone like this. All of the above is intended to
break down the target’s self-esteem and make them doubt who they are, and conform to what
the abuser wants.
“So and so said such and such about you, and they agree with me!” Triangulation of
communication. My response to that is, “Great! Let’s get them on the phone right now and
clear this up, as I’m sure they wouldn’t want you speaking for them!” You’d be surprised how
quickly they back-paddle.”
