One thing abusers want more than anything else in the world is control. The more pathological
they are, i.e., NPD, ASPD, and Machiavellian or Dark Triad, the more they stalk, the more they
smear, and the more they seek control over the target. They want to control the target in the
relationship, and once the target leaves, they seek to control the target through flying monkeys
and social media. Nothing gives them more joy than knowing they have taken up residence
inside your head. Or that it pains you to see their picture or hear the nasty things they are
saying in the smear campaign. So? What can you do? First of all, you cannot control what they
say or who they say it to. What you can do is block them on all avenues of contact, meaning;
phone, social media, email, and mutual friends. You will need to let all mutual friends know in
no uncertain terms that you do not want to hear what the ex is doing, nor do you want any
“messages” from the ex to you passed along. If the friends try to give “messages” or tell you
what the ex is doing, you draw firm boundaries. “No! Stop, and I mean it! This is your one
warning! I do not want to know what the ex is doing, and I do not want the ex to know what I
am doing! I do not want “messages” from them through you, and if you do not honor this
boundary, you too will be blocked.” You will need to practice evicting them from your
headspace. Writing and burning letters is useful in helping your heart and your head accept that
the person you fell in love with was an illusion.
Is Forgiveness Mandatory?
A lot of survivors of abuse often get pressured from either the abuser themselves or flying monkeys to “forgive” them. Ahem. In short, no! You do not have to “forgive” your abuser. What an abuser means by forgiving them is they want you to “forgive AND forget”...
